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ALL YOU NEED IS CRIME

Here they are, the lowlifes.

- Selfie?
- Selfie? What?

- Okay, a quick one.
- Ok.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

You're welcome, have a good day.

Boys, this is no good.
We're off to a terrible start.

It says here 10 o'clock.
I've been waiting here two hours.

It was chaos on the roads.

I think you'll find that
you're the one creating chaos.

Come on now,
let's get the stand set up.

Look how you've spelt "tour".

Here you go. This is for you.

Join us, gentlemen,
as we take you on a journey

through the city of Rome
and its history of organised crime.

A symbolic tour

of robberies, kidnappings, killings
committed by the Magliana Gang.

For you, for you.

I'm telling you,
this is so embarrassing.

But we're "making money
by the shovelful."

"Pijamose Roma."
What does that mean?

"Let's take Rome."
It's a catchphrase, advertising.

- A slogan?
- Forget about it. Here, madam.

- Watch out, you're getting fined.
- Look.

No!

I'm hardly running Colosseum tours!
There I'd need a permit.

Can I see that gun, please?

- Let's go.
- Oh.

This? This is a fake, look.

See? "Made in China."

Want me to show you?

I can shoot myself in the leg,
in the stomach, in the head.

Come on.

I'll turn a blind eye to the gun,
even though you shouldn't have it.

- What?
- You shouldn't have it.

But you're running unlicensed tours,

illegally occupying public space
and your car is in a no-parking spot.

What's the damage?
1054.32 euros, right?

Precisely.

And I don't even want to know
what you have in that bag.

Oh, this?

These are very strong laxatives
for my wife.

She has chronic constipation.

And this is very banal,
an electronic cigarette.

I recently quit smoking.

- Here's your fine.
- A fine.

- Have a nice day.
- The fine.

- Same to you.
- For me?

The fine.

You were supposed to get a permit.

Did the Gang ask for permits
when it took Rome?

Anyway, I'm taking this off,
I'm sweating.

Giuseppe, I forgot you were so ugly.

- You really are.
- Says you?

Hey, would 1000 euros be enough
to pay your fine?

- Who's that?
- No idea. Who is it?

- It's Gianfranco Richetti.
- Is it?

- It's the Sucker!
- Don't call me that.

Irina, Markéta, come here.

- This is Moreno, Sebastiano...
- Sebastiano.

- And Giuseppe.
- Hello.

We were always together at school,
I thought we were friends.

But they were just using me

to copy from me in lessons,
to steal my ball...

That was him!

When I realised,
I went my own way

and they stayed as they are now,
poor blokes.

How dare you?

Calm down, they're Belarusian,
they can't understand.

Do you really have three nipples?

"Da, da." Hear that?

- Get it?
- Very funny.

- Good one.
- What a bright idea I had.

Big Data.

I founded a start up

and sold it to Apple
for 35 million dollars.

- Wow, 35 million dollars.
- Come on.

Ladies, if it's ok with you

I'd like to take a tour
with my three failure friends.

- Bye, bye.
- Hasta luego chicas.

I've given you the money.
You have to take me on this tour.

This is Via del Pellegrino
where, on 2nd February 1990,

Renatino, the boss of all bosses,
new leader of the Magliana Gang,

was stopped by two assassins
on a motorbike.

He was on his scooter
right here, outside number 65

and they shot him.

Moreno's good, isn't he?

Always obsessed
with this Magliana crap.

- How is it crap?
- Oh, come on.

What was it did back in school?
Think fast!

Can you please quit messing around?

I have palpitations.

- And here we are.
- Why are we here, Sebastiano?

- Why?
- I don't know.

- This is the Sant'Apollinare church.
- Yeah.

- The boss was buried here.
- I remember.

- The boss, Giuseppucci.
- Giuseppucci? No, Renatino.

What's in there,
other than Renatino's remains?

"The Gang hid its treasure inside"

"until the sting on 12 July 1980,
when they were all arrested."

And who tipped them off?

I'll tell you right away.

- The Worm.
- The Worm.

- Of course, if you'd...
- You're a moron.

Look, Gianfranco.
Let's combine our intelligence.

Invent something! Import, export...

Exports... What will we export?

Olives! Roman stuffed olives.
To Qatar.

With the money you stole?

You...
Perhaps you don't remember.

When we were little

and you were jerking off
to mail-order catalogues,

I was putting money aside
to buy a Commodore 64.

I remember, it cost 970,000 lira.

And you stole that money from me.

Now, the 1980s' most famous club.

- Good, I can tell you studied.
- Thanks.

What do you mean studied?
He's reading it.

Well, he's doing a good job reading.

Unlike Sebastiano,
whose reading is awful.

Alright.

It's said that the Gang
laundered tons of money here,

drinking rivers of champagne
and snorting dunes of cocaine.

Imagine!

- What did you say?
- I said, "mozzarella di bufala".

We'll open a huge dairy in Cape Town,
what do you think?

We'll sell contaminated mozzarella
from Caserta.

Like the Gang used to say,
we'll make money by the shovelful.

By the shovelful, very good.

This was the Gang's HQ.

Now it belongs to the Chinese, of course.

- Is there much left?
- Ah, so you want more!

There's the bank, the bookies'...

What do you think? Coffee break?

My treat, seeing as you're all poor.

Thank you.

- When did he get like that?
- I've always hated him.

Sorry, was it not always our fault?

- Four coffees, please.
- Coming up.

Do you really think
this tour can make you money?

Why not? Why wouldn't it?

I think it's a great idea,
fresh, new, for the tourists.

I'm amazed.
How has a business genius like you

not invested in this start up yet?

- Why don't you fund it?
- Because it's a load of crap.

And who else is going
to give you pity money like this?

I'm just going to the bathroom.
Excuse me, are they down there?

- Yeah, down there.
- Thanks. Be right back.

I'm going to wash my hands, too.

- The toilette.
- Yes.

We're leaving through the back door.

- I love coffee.
- I can't.

- Let's go.
- Giuseppe, you were different.

Those two buffoons changed you.

I know, Gianfranco, you're right.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm just...

Weak. A chicken.
The classic coward.

And in my opinion, you...

Giuseppe, where are you going?

Come on, we've lost the fat lump!

- What's in here?
- Where are you?

We have a tour to finish.

- Look for a way out.
- There's a window.

- Look.
- What is it?

- Neon lights... bar?
- Strip club?

Come on, let's try it.

Ouch! You stood on my foot.
The shoes were enough pain as it was.

- Quiet or I'll thump you.
- You're too jumpy.

- He's right, you're too jumpy.
- Peppino, get lost.

- Go, the Sucker's coming!
- Are you in?

Go or he'll catch us.

Go, in there.

Go.

Don't push me.

Where the hell...

Hey, come here.

It's pitch black.

- Are you there? Hey!
- What is it?

- A door!
- Go!

- Go through it!
- Go, go in!

- Close it!
- We've lost him.

- Close the doors!
- Who cares?

(INDISTINCT VOICES)

He's handed it to me.

(INDISTINCT VOICES)

Can't you see it?

Hey!

Excuse me, hello.

Long live Italy!

Italy! Italy!

- Was there an Italy game on?
- No.

Excuse me.
Was there a friendly on?

A friendly? It's the World Cup!

We just beat Argentina.

The World Cup?
We didn't even qualify this year.

Bruno Conti!

Bruno Conti?
What are you on about?

Bruno Conti!

Is this a joke? Get lost.

- On your bike.
- Hey!

- Look, there's no signal here.
- Was there something in that coffee?

Either they slipped us LSD...

Or we've crossed
an Einstein-Rosen bridge, a wormhole.

- A what bridge?
- An Einstein-Rosen bridge.

- A tunnel through space and time.
- Sorry, what?

A shortcut through time.

The theory of relativity
says space and time are curved.

- Curved?
- No one told me.

Well, I'm telling you now:
space and time are curved.

Take an apple, for example.

To get to the other side,
a worm has to go round.

- Unless...
- Unless...?

Unless it digs a tunnel
and goes through the middle.

- So...?
- So it's very dangerous.

- We need to go.
- Where are you going?

Back to the future.

- I'm coming with you.
- Gianfranco?

- Lads?
- What?

Wait, let's think about it.

Do you really believe
we've gone back in time

because that idiot says so?

DANGER - ENTRANCE FORBIDDEN

- Another bitters for the boss.
- It's ready to go.

- It's the Ox.
- Huh?

What?

It's the Ox. In real life.

- It can't be.
- Let's go.

Yeah, come on.

Down here.

I want to go back.
It's not possible.

- Shh, I've been thinking...
- About what?

This is how we make our fortune.

- Oh come on!
- What? I want to go home!

Don't you get it?
We're in the year 1982!

Exactly. If I don't finish my reports
my father-in-law will kill me.

You still have 30 years to do that.

Boys, please,
if life has taught me anything

it's not to mess
with a space-time paradox.

What if Serena has hit menopause
by the time I get back?

What do you care?
You haven't shagged for years.

- Fair point.
- Six years?

Six, yeah...

Anyway, I don't feel like it.

- I'm shitting myself.
- Me neither.

You're not getting the point.

Fate has granted us
a stroke of excellent fortune.

And you want to turn your backs?
On fate?

- What?
- How?

These people know nothing.
We're 30 years ahead of them.

This is our chance
to make money by the shovelful.

Want an example?
Shall I give you one?

We'll invent
the tablet, Facebook, Crazy Frog.

- Who cares about Crazy Frog?
- He has a point.

- OK, maybe.
- But I'm addicted to WhatsApp.

- It has to be said.
- He is.

And how will I charge my e-cig?

- Listen to him.
- They haven't even been invented!

I can't just start smoking again!

- Hey!
- Who's that?

- What are you doing?
- Is it the Boar?

- It's the Ox.
- We're looking for the toilette.

- The toilette?
- Yeah.

You speak weird.
Are you gay?

No, it's just a saying.

- Get the hell out of here.
- Yes.

- Right away.
- Bye bye.

That way no one else
is getting through here.

- Get out!
- Woah, easy.

- You need to disappear.
- Yes.

- I never want to see you again!
- No.

(SONG: "I FOUGHT THE LAW”
BY SONNY CURTIS)

How has this happened?

- Do know who they were?
- Four troublemakers, yeah.

For sure: the Ox, the Industrialist,
The Worm and Accattone.

Junior was there too.

We're right in the midst
of the Magliana Gang.

It's a miracle we're alive.

Come on, let's celebrate. We won!

Live the 1980s Rome experience!
Come on, breathe it in.

There it is.

They still didn't have
catalytic converters.

I don't believe it,
how has this happened?

Sorry, I'm taking my shoes off.

My feet are cooking in these loafers.

- They don't smell too bad, try it.
- Get that stench away from me.

You're telling me?
I'm sweating like a pig in this wig.

Put it back on, Christ, it's 1982.

Shaved heads are lame, remember?

- You think?
- "Tuesday 29th June 1982."

Have you seen this?

Now we've had our lovely little dip
into the past,

I say we go back to the bar,
back through the wormhole,

and then we go home.

- Let's go.
- Home? Stop right there.

Let me show you something.

On eBay, for just 70 euros,

I bought 500,000 lira.

And we're going to use it
to make more.

Don't you want to make me rich?
In the future, at least?

So I can afford the maintenance
I have to pay my wife.

- How are we going to do that?
- Illegal gambling.

But we don't know the results!
Wikipedia hasn't been invented.

We have Giuseppe.
Who needs Wikipedia?

- Group 5 in the World Cup.
- OK.

- Northern Ireland, four points.
- See?

Spain and Yugoslavia, three.
Honduras, two.

Spain goes through on goals scored,

robbing it from Honduras,
an excellent team

captained by keeper Arzú
and the legendary Figueroa.

Figueroa! You see?

So we're really going to do it?
"Make money by the shovelful."

See? Not such a moron after all.

You're too kind, thanks.

- Ok let's go.
- Where, though?

I'll show you.

Boys, I'm telling you:
let me do the talking.

I know these places, OK?

- Can we come in?
- It's not your Gran's living room.

Hello.

There he is.

The Pharisee,
Rome's most infamous bookie.

Aside from anything,
he's mates with the Ox.

- Italy-Brazil, 50.
- He'll take any bet.

- Anything.
- 4-0 to Brazil.

In fact, just seeing him...
I'm in awe.

- Why?
- What has he done?

You idiots. He's dead!

He dies in three years' time.
In 1985, they shot him in the face.

- Poor guy.
- "Poor guy"? They obliterated him.

Guys, can we go?
Like... now?

- I can't do this.
- Wait.

- Don't be scared, we're here.
- Exactly.

Moreno's right.

- We need to show confidence.
- Yeah.

Or they won't respect us.
Let me show you.

- No!
- Relax.

Pharisee, how the fuck are you?

What did you say?

- No!
- Are you Mister Pharisee?

Who the hell let you use that name?

Are you a cop?

- No.
- Please!

- Listen.
- Sorry, he made a mistake.

He just wants to place a bet,
he went about it all wrong.

Your friend is a moron.

- Sure, we've known that for years.
- Absolutely.

- OK. You want to place a bet?
- Yes.

- Show me the money.
- Come on, show him.

Here, 500,000 lira, in cash.
No online transfer required.

- Online...?
- You know, it's all there.

It's all there.

Which match are you betting on?

- West Germany-England?
- Final score.

If you give us odds of 10 to one,
we'll bet on who scores, too.

You're throwing money away.
Come on then.

- Final score?
- 0-0.

- 0-0?
- 0-0.

- Then goals don't...
- Come on!

- Let's say...
- Hey!

- Come here, let's put this down.
- Sorry.

Coming.

Doctor Biafra.

- Hello.
- Hi there.

- OK, what's your bet?
- 0-0.

0-0.

In the unlikely event that you win,

500,000 at 10 to one...
that's five million.

- But seeing as you'll lose...
- Yeah, got it, thanks.

- Here's your slip.
- Here we go.

(Singing: "TEQUILA" by THE CHAMPS)

It's on.

Thank you.

I came from the west side of Rome
On an old, beat-up Vespa Sport.

I used to have half a million,
but now I have so much more.

Thank you and goodbye.

Sorry, they've never won before.

(SONG: "TEQUILA" by THE CHAMPS)

Thank you.

Oh, this is the stuff.

Let's see.

No, surely not! Look.

- Paolo Rossi.
- Paolo Rossi.

- Little Pablo and...
- And...?

- And...
- Tell him.

Figueroa!

No, you're kidding!

That's it?

- Really?
- No, he's just really rare.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Come on!
- Stop it!

Everyone's looking at you.

Identical!

This is so good.
They stopped making them.

- Because if it's good...
- They stopped making it.

What can you do?

(SONG: "LAST NIGHT A DJ SAVED MY LIFE"
by INDEEP)

- You're crazy!
- I haven't had so much fun since '82.

- I haven't done this for 30 years.
- I'd never done it!

I can tell.

And the music was better then.

Oh, better than now.
It's all "boom, boom, boom".

- Exactly!
- And there's no singing.

Gentleman!
A new entry takes the stage.

With an excellent B-side.

- Two beautiful pins.
- Femme fatale.

I'm taking a photo.

- Take a photo.
- What are you doing with that?

- You look insane here, put it away.
- No, yes.

Bravo!

- Good dancer, and beautiful.
- Killer.

She's dressed like
Jamie Lee Curtis in "Perfect".

- My God.
- Killer.

Look at those moves.

- Where's she going?
- Is she coming over?

Oh hello. Hi.

- Good evening.
- Go on, Sebastiano.

This is crazy!

- I'm Sebastiano.
- Let's open another.

- Look at that leg.
- Moreno.

We've lost him.

Thank you.

That's it, like that.

She's so good, killer.

If her father could see her...

- Wait... there it is!
- Come on!

Is she choking?

- Where are you going?
- You scared her off.

- I got distracted.
- Bye!

- Cheers!
- Bye!

- My ring!
- Huh?

- She swallowed my wedding ring!
- What?

Can I come in?

Miss?

Who is it?

Can I come in?

Excuse me, miss,
I don't want to intrude, but...

What do you want?

See something you like?

Quickly, in and shut the door.

- Closed...?
- I need to change.

- So?
- I'm looking for my ring.

Your ring?
You're looking for it here?

So many men come looking for that!

Know what I tell them?

That I'm not a therapist.

Look, miss, I get it.
Could you just give me back my ring?

It has the date of my wedding
and my wife's name on it.

If you love your wife so much,

you should be with her,
not watching a striptease.

It's a long story,

but I promise, this is my first time
in a place like this.

You're all the same,
coming in here, whining away.

"I can't do this, we don't have sex,
we don't love each other anymore."

Poor blokes.

I get it, you want money.
Now give me back my ring, or...

Or what? Who you gonna call?
Lieutenant Columbo?

Or Kolchak? Who do you prefer?

No, actually in the '80s
I was a big fan of "CHiPs".

Ah, Poncherello's here too!

Please, forgive me.

- I didn't take you for a moron.
- You're not the first to say that.

But let me assure you,
I have never cheated on my wife.

Look how I really feel this feeling

Feel the feeling

I feel feel the feeling

Where's he come from then?

I'm Italian.

A handsome man, well done.

But go before her boyfriend sees you
or he'll pull off your ears.

This is my friend, Nespola.

Nice to meet you, Mr Nespola.
I'm Sebastiano.

And I'm Debbie Harry.
Here, do you smoke?

No, I've moved on.
To electronic cigarettes.

- To what?
- I've quit.

Oh.

Do you always get given so many gifts?

No. In five minutes it's my birthday.

Well, happy birthday.

Guess who is the only person
that forgot?

- Her boyfriend.
- Stop going on!

Tomorrow he could come
and give me a ring, a diamond.

Good one, what a performance.

Shut up,

this poor guy spent the whole day
in his lawyer's office yesterday,

ironing out his divorce.

I wouldn't believe it if I saw it.
Pinocchio!

No time for a smoke, my dear.

Put the cigarette down,
you're up, quick.

- Ciao, honey.
- Very funny.

- No, wait, my ring.
- Ah, your ring.

You'll have to be patient.

- Yeah... huh?
- Why don't you come back tomorrow?

- I have a slow gut.
- What? You too?

What a coincidence.

These were for my wife.
It's a very strong laxative.

- Laxatives?
- Yes.

- Laxatives for my birthday?
- Yes.

You're so sweet and handsome,
what a good boy!

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Oh God.
- Excuse me.

Here he is, Sebastiano.
Did you find your ring?

No, she swallowed it.

I have to get it back
what am I going to do?

Ha, ha, ha... it's not funny.

Sebastiano!

- They didn't have them.
- Woops.

- So.
- Gino?

- Another Magnum.
- Yes, Gino, another Magnum.

- A toast?
- Yes.

Yeah!

To hell with paying maintenance
and to hell with Gianfranco.

And to hell with palpitations
and especially my father-in-law!

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

Now you, Sebastiano:
"To hell with Sere..."

No, I don't like this game.

- "Sere..."
- No, please stop.

- "Serena."
- Let's do this.

"Let's take Rome!"

- No!
- Moreno, let's not get carried away.

(snoring)

Excuse me?

Excuse me, we're closing.

- He says...
- Here.

Wait.

- What is it?
- I'll get it.

Here.

Here we go.

- What is it?
- There's a mistake.

- 6 million? There's a mistake.
- Are they mad? 6 million!

- 6 million!
- You're right, my mistake.

- See?
- Yeah.

I left off a Magnum,
of Dom Pérignon.

That'll be 8,400,000 lira.

- How is it 8 million?
- 4,200 euros.

Are you kidding?
Are you having us on?

Are you being serious?
I want to speak to the manager.

- You must be joking.
- Hey.

Here we joke about everything.
But money.

Mandrake's here!

Quit laughing, that's Renatino.

- Who?
- Renatino, the boss.

- I'm telling you.
- What we gonna do with you?

In there?

- Get out.
- Where?

- Yes, I'm good, relax.
- Calm down, quick.

We're here?

Just yesterday,
you were shitting yourselves in here.

Relax, you're only missing
5,200,000 lira.

- Keep walking, come on.
- Giuseppe, Christ, say something.

- I have a heart condition.
- Come on.

- Something helpful.
- Right, helpful.

OK, can I suggest a deferment?

With interest, of course.

We could agree a reasonable rate.

- You think I offer loans?
- Of course not, Signor Renatino.

- How do you know my name?
- I don't know.

Who are you? Who sent you?

- Cops? That politico, Andreotti?
- Andreotti's dead.

No one sent us,
I'm just a huge admirer.

- You know who I am?
- Of course, everyone knows.

- How does everyone know?
- You're becoming famous, Renatino.

- They're making a movie.
- Yeah, they called in Al Pacino.

"Scarface" is coming out soon.

We'll get you your money,
give us a few days.

- OK, sure. You've got 36 hours.
- OK.

Tomorrow, we'll be here
watching the Brazil game.

When the whistle goes,
if you're not back, you're dead.

Of course.

- Worm, see them out
- Bye.

- Let's go.
- Thanks.

- Goodbye.
- Where the fuck are you going?

- To get your money.
- "To get my money"?

- Yes.
- Do I look soft to you?

- No.
- How can I be sure you won't vanish?

- We won't, we're men of our word.
- Absolutely.

We're all men of our word here.

No, don't worry.

Hey, aren't you happy?
We can be friends.

Go.

A minute late
and we'll shoot him in the mouth.

Get out of the fucking way.

- I didn't understand.
- He said "fuck off".

Thanks, guys. On you go.
Good luck.

Poor Peppino.

- 5 million... What are we gonna do?
- We'll come up with something.

- How?
- We'll do it.

But first you need see the whore,
get your ring back

and take it to the pawnshop.

Then sell yesterday's purchases.

We'll never do it,
Gianfranco was right.

We should have gone back,
that's it.

Gianfranco.

Look out.

- What is it?
- Come on.

I'm just walking.

Oh, my back!

I hate getting old.

- Look, it's just as it was.
- No, it just is 1982.

Then it'll become a kebab shop.
A crap one, at that.

- Come on, look for the box.
- Go, go.

- Where are you going? It's here.
- Here, you say?

I don't say, I know. In fact...

Here!

- Ah, shit!
- Stop, stop!

Do you realise who they are?

Of course. It's us.

- Let us through!
- Stop right there!

You have so much beautiful hair now.

You'll lose it all as you get older,
you'll be bald. Happy?

You can't even see yourself, Giuseppe.

- Help! Run, Moreno!
- Stop!

- Leave him. Already a chicken.
- Run!

- I was a sensitive child.
- What?

- Giuseppe, run!
- Stop right there!

I'll beat him
if you don't give me the box.

- Who cares?
- Good point, who are you talking to?

I may have been a coward,
but you were a scumbag.

Hey, Giuseppe!

- Give me that!
- I got it first!

- Let it go!
- Give me it!

- Stop!
- The Sucker!

- Don't call me that.
- Gianfranco.

That's my savings.
Moreno, you're a thief.

- We're not friends anymore.
- Like I care!

- Stop him!
- Come here!

Who are you? His accomplices?

His accomplices?

No, we were trying
to get your money back.

- You make me laugh.
- It was him that took them!

Dad!

- Don't call your dad!
- Shut up!

Aren't you Gianfranco,
the one who needs a Commodore 64?

Who are you?

Who am I?

My name is Jobs.

- Steve Jobs.
- Look at that.

And what do you want from me?

I want your mind, because you,
my friend, are a freaking genius.

I came from the future
to speak to you.

- Yeah, me too.
- From the future?

From the future.

I crossed the Guns N' Roses bridge.

- Einstein-Rosen.
- Exactly.

Anyway, I need that money,
to buy my Commodore 64.

Again with the Commodore 64!
Can't you see it's a pile of crap?

I have a proposal.
I want to do business with you.

Look at this device.

It has everything you need.

Big Data.

"Making money by the shovelful",
you understand?

- Want to see? Here.
- Stop!

Can I pass it to you?
I'll pass it with my foot.

- Pass it on the floor.
- Would you shut up?

Pass it on the floor.

Listen to Steve Jobs.

Yes.

It's off.

- It's off.
- Hang on, I've got this.

You can charge it with this.

I'll pass this on the floor too,
I won't come over, it's OK.

Ready? Go!

What is it, a battery?

- A battery!
- A battery...

It's the olden days... You'll see.

No, I don't believe you. Dad!

- You're calling your dad?
- Put that down.

Are you crazy? Go!

What are you doing with that?
It's blocking traffic.

I need to paint a huge wall,
I need a big brush.

You don't need a big brush,
you need a great brush.

- Cinghiale brushes.
- What about my wife?

Of course I remembered.
Your birthday is tomorrow.

- 100, 101...
- It's today?

Then, happy birthday! Hello?

What are you looking at?
Do I have something on my face?

Sorry, I wasn't looking.

- You, pay attention.
- I am.

(Voices From THE TV)

What are you doing?

- Are you a doctor?
- No, I'm an accountant.

At my father-in-law's firm.

- I hope he pays you.
- Almost every month.

He says he'll make me partner soon.

As long as your friends make it.

For Christ's sake.

Citroen Dyane,
you can always say it's your wife's.

(RENATINO DIALS A NUMBER)

She's not answering.

- Get up.
- Right away.

Tell your father-in-law
to go to hell.

Words are for priests,
suck-ups and traitors.

I like things I can touch.

Paintings, statues, gold, your knee.

If you can't touch it,
it means it's not yours.

Like a woman who doesn't answer
when you call.

Exactly.

It's a lack of respect.

A bit like the tax man.

Always leaves you on hold,
listening to that music,

until you lose the connection.

- They do it on purpose.
- Yes.

It really drives me mad.

Exactly, Signor Renatino,
but that's how it is.

Then the tiniest little mistake
and you have to pay, plus interest.

- And you can't say anything.
- And you can't say anything.

Her birthday...
How can I remember everything?

You're right,
you can't remember everything.

There's nothing for it,
you have to go in person.

You're right! I need to go in person.

If not, you'll be left
with your pants down.

- What did you say to me?
- What did I say?

You said: "Pants down."

You know: caught out.

- You're coming with me.
- Where?

Here she is.

- What a figure.
- Be good.

- Focus.
- Those legs.

I want to go in.

Go, go on, get moving.

- Go.
- OK, I'm going.

Yes, what?

I don't get it.

- Did you call me?
- No.

- OK.
- Go!

Duracell lasts longer.

- Happy birthday to me.
- Switched on for an hour.

They're all powered
by zinc carbon batteries, bar one.

- Happy birthday, dear idiot.
- They all stop, bar him.

Happy birthday to me.

Duracell lasts five times longer.

Copper and black,
Duracell lasts longer.

(DOORBELL)

- Hello.
- What are you doing here?

- I came for my ring.
- Who gave you my address?

If my boyfriend sees, he'll kill you.
Come on, quickly.

Come in? I'll come in.

Beautiful house! Simple, beautiful.

Thanks, I take pride in it.

I brought you a little cadeau.

- A cadeau?
- A little gift.

- How sweet, thank you.
- You're welcome, it's nothing.

"P-I-J..." Is it French?

Is it French? No.

I mean, yeah it's French.

- Make yourself comfortable.
- Is that OK?

- Sure.
- Thanks, this ok?

- So?
- Here we are.

- What's with all the rush?
- The rush...

You won't believe this,
but I'm desperate.

If I don't find 5 million by tomorrow,
they'll kill my friend.

- And you want to use your ring?
- I need to do something.

Obviously it's not nice for Serena,
but I have to do something, you know?

You're so sweet and considerate.

If I had the 5 million,
I'd wire it to you now.

- But times are hard...
- Of course.

- I'll go get the ring.
- Thank you.

- If you're hungry, take a slice.
- I'd love a little slither, thanks.

- Happy birthday again.
- Where is it?

Anyway, those pills, they worked a treat!

Sorted me right out.

Yes, my wife always says they...

- Ah, here it is.
- Oh shit!

- What happened here?
- I'm sorry.

She's not answering the phone,
but she's home, the little...

(SINGING AN ITALIAN SONG)

- Now that's done.
- I apologise again about the cake.

Don't worry about it.
Come on, take off that shirt.

- My shirt?
- Yeah.

Here. Thanks again.

The trousers, too, come on.

Come on, you men,
you can't do anything yourselves.

But, it's a bit embarrassing...

Done, one... two. Here.

Cute little song, how'd it go?

(SINGING AGAIN)

And then you can make it up,
I don't remember the words.

Is it that band, "Ricchi e Poveri"?
I don't know it.

No, but in a few years
everyone will be singing it.

(SINGING)

Good!

(SINGING TOGETHER)

And then sing what you like.

- Sweet.
- As you like it.

- I knew it, there's a man!
- No!

Signor Renatino, sorry to interject,

but it looks more like a silhouette,
of a mannequin.

- See how still it is?
- A mannequin? But...

See? Not moving.

It's a mannequin.

- I see it.
- It's still, not moving.

What are you doing here?
Sebastiano's inside.

- What is he doing?
- Hey.

What's up with you?

You're out of breath.

No, it's just my heart
I'm supposed to take nebivolol.

It's just you don't have it here yet.

Here? What?

Here on the west side of Rome.

You're odd, Giuseppe.

Really odd, I don't get you.

All done.

Thank you.

Sebastiano...

- What's happening here?
- I don't know, I don't...

I can't.

There's a man in there.

- There's a man in there.
- I thought it was a mannequin?

Mannequins don't move, Giuseppe,
mannequins stay still.

- Come on.
- OK.

Warn Sebastiano.

I'm coming.

How?

- Hey!
- Who is it?

Come on!

- I get it.
- They'll kill you, go!

- You don't like me.
- What do you want?

What do you mean what do I want?

What do you want... me to say?
I've never cheated on Serena.

That's how it is.

You're just so sweet,
polite, respectful!

(DOOR NOCKING)
Oh God, who is it?

Open the door,
before I break it down.

- Now!
- It's my boyfriend.

We haven't done anything,
we'll just explain.

You don't get it.

Whoever's there,
I'll cut out his guts and eat them.

Let me check out the terrace.

- Hi sweetheart.
- Hello.

Who were you with, you snake?

- No one!
- Who were you with?

It's better that you tell me
than I find myself.

- Renatino.
- I'm warning you, I'm totally calm.

Before I shoot you,
tell me where he is...

- Excuse...
- Shut it.

- Where the fuck is he?
- I'm alone!

I'll tear the house apart.

I paid for it anyway.

You're alone? Liar!

Christ, I'm gonna rip your head off.
Where is he?

- Sorry, could I...
- What do you want?

I'd like to point out the mannequin,
just as I pointed out before.

- So?
- Could we be mistaken?

- I don't make mistakes
- Of course not.

Get out of my way.

Come out, you bastard!
I'll rip your arms off!

- Where are you?
- Has he gone?

I'll sort him out, OK?

Calm down, my love, please.

OK, I'm calm.
Tell me there's no one but me.

- There's no one but you.
- Just me, right.

What was the silhouette
I saw from outside?

It was the mannequin!

He was right, your ugly friend.

- Now calm down.
- OK, I'm calm.

OK, good, good.

Good, that helps.
Just a mannequin, good.

I know, sometimes I get carried away.

But it's because I love her.

I love my wife, Giuseppe,
but it's like she's a relative.

Sabrina reminds me what it's like
to be a real man.

That's why I get mad
and a tiny bit jealous.

Because I can't tame her, you know?

And I can never be there,
there's work to be done.

It's tough being the boss.
But what would you know?

- Are you listening?
- Huh?

- Yes, Signor Renatino.
- Quit with all this "Signore".

I've come to like you today,
well done.

- You're clear.
- What? I'm going forwards.

We can't even afford a sandwich
in this place.

- I know.
- I need to convince Renatino.

- To kill all three of us?
- What are you on about?

It's psychology,
I can read these people.

- And what is it you're reading?
- I know how to reason with them.

You read a couple of books
and think you know it all.

"They killed him here,
and him there."

"He snorts this stuff,
he hides treasure here."

What do you really know?

- Nothing.
- The treasure.

- You're not such a moron after all.
- What?

Where are you going?
What if the priest turns up?

What priest? Come on. Shh!

- See that wall?
- Yes. And?

If I've worked this out right...

- You pull the candle, then what?
- Look.

Fusaia let this slip in questioning.

What?

- What?
- About this candelabra.

- Here it is!
- What did I tell you?

Bravo! Watch your head, go.

- You first.
- Careful.

Go.

- No, I'm scared of the dead dwarves!
- Dead dwarves? Stay where you are!

They used to be popes, bishops,
cardinals, archpriests.

Why were they all so short?

You think you'll still be this tall
when you die?

Don't push me, please!

What's in here?

- Oh my God!
- Christ, look at all this!

- Money.
- Look! Money, ingots, look.

My God.

Ah! Watch this one, he's tall.

Oh my God, look at this,
look at the paintings.

See? The Gang's treasure:
50 billion lira.

Want to pay my wife off?

With this we can pay
Giuseppe's ransom, all of it.

You want to pay off the Gang,
using the Gang's money?

- What if they find out?
- How will they find out?

Leave that money!

Take what we need to pay the ransom.

We'll come back,
when the coast is clear.

The Worm's going to rat on them,
send them all to prison, right?

12th July 1982.

OK, but we need some.
To live off, to eat, right?

I wanted to buy some cowboy boots.

- They weren't even cool in 1982.
- Cowboy boots?

Just ten minutes left.

Brazil three, Argentina nil.

The goals, again:
Zico at 11 minutes, Serginho...

- It can't be.
- It's almost over.

And Junior, 75.

See? I was right about your friends.

They're two morons.

Unfortunately, I'm all too aware,
Signor Renatino.

Renatino, no Signor.

And you know what?

I'm sorry I have to kill you,
I liked you.

- Stop!
- Here's the money!

- It's all here, all the money's there.
- Relax.

Put your guns down.

Viking, show this man out
and shut the door.

Here it is, all of it.

(VOICES FROM THE TV)

Giuseppe?

Are you crazy?

Come on, it's over now.

- Come on now, you're all sweaty.
- Moreno.

- Excuse me, can I go to the toilet?
- Did you shit yourself?

Yes. Thanks.

"Did you shit yourself?" Ingrate.

It stinks, it really honks.

(SINGING IN ITALIAN)

Hey, cute little song you got!

You inspire me.

Well, then, I'm happy for you,
good luck with it.

- I don't get it.
- Never mind, go get 'em.

Thanks.

- They sent off Maradona!
- For that?

Arsehole!

Batista has just come on
as a substitute for Zico.

- I'm ready.
- Finished?

Come on, boys, let's go.

- Signor Renatino, Miss, thanks.
- Goodbye.

Thanks for your hospitality,
and enjoy the match,

especially the goal from Díaz,
it's just coming up.

- Passes to Díaz.
- Goodbye.

- Look!
- He shoots, he scores!

What a corker!

- Ramón Díaz for Argentina!
- You're an idiot.

- Come here.
- Me?

- Come here.
- Absolute moron.

- Have you got contacts in Spain?
- No, Mr Renatino, of course not.

You mean you just guessed?
You knew Díaz would score!

- No.
- Let these three tools go.

We have an appointment at the bank
in a few days, remember.

I know, but first I want to know
how the fuck he knows this stuff?

It's a gift, runs in the family.
I always guess right.

- It's true.
- Who cares what he knows?

- Let's get on with business.
- Ox, let's get one thing straight.

I decide what we get on with.
Tell me how you do it.

- I have a gift, I swear that's it.
- How do you do it?

Don't take me for a ride.

- Do you have a light?
- No, I quit smoking.

- Stop acting up.
- You're so boring!

(SINGING IN ITALIAN)

That song again?
Where did you hear it?

- It's a secret.
- You're keeping too many secrets.

I know it. You were with someone.

If I was with someone,
they were nice to me,

not an arsehole like you.

- Hey, you're mine, don't forget it.
- Am I?

Then leave your wife!

Don't you dare mention my wife.

- You're hurting me!
- Shut it.

Who are you sleeping with?

I'll tell you, look. Was it Ox?

You like Ox?

Or one of these? Him?

Was it him?
Stay there or I'll blow your head off.

Or Accattone, and his fish eyes?

- No? Was it Ventresca.
- Ahi.

You like him, huh?

Or with one of these suck ups.

- The know-it-all, the pirate...
- Ow!

- Ow.
- Or this wimp, over here?

You'd never think it, would you?
Do you like my girlfriend?

- I don't understand...
- You like her? Isn't she beautiful?

- Of course, but I would never...
- No you wouldn't.

No you wouldn't.

What's going on, Renatino?

Oh my God.

Are you crazy?

Ox, take him away.

For God's sake! I don't believe this.

Goal from Díaz!
Bloody Díaz!

- It slipped out.
- And they took us hostage.

Anyway, I'd never witnessed
someone getting killed. Awful.

Me neither, not even an animal.
Horrible, blood curdling.

And the Worm!
Of everyone, he shot the Worm.

- Him, someone else... who cares?
- You know you're an idiot, right?

Oh sure, so you keep telling me.
Thank you.

The Boxer! I had one just like it
when I was 14.

You know who the Worm was?

On 12th July, The Worm rats them out.

And they arrest them all.
Who'll spill the beans now?

We'll come up with a plan.

Of course, you.
You'll come up with a plan.

Soon, because of you,
all three of us will be dead.

Why couldn't you think twice
before going to that whore's house?

- She's not a whore.
- She's the best whore in Rome.

I'm telling you, I've read the books.

I didn't know she was with the boss,
you're the expert.

Do you like her?

- What?
- You like her.

Look, you can't argue with beauty.

Well I hope you're not a jealous man,
people get hurt that way.

Ha, ha, ha, how very funny.

83, 84, 85.

82, 83, 84.

105, 106, 107,

108, 109.

(SONG: "ITALIAN ANTHEM")

Here's the Italy line up.

- Zoff, Gentile, Cabrini...
- Pharisee, 5 million on Italy.

Thanks for the gift, Renatino.
No way you're winning this.

Why are you doing this,
bending over for the Pharisee?

You really believe this moron?

How the hell can we beat
Zico, Falcão and Sócrates

with that pussy Paolo Rossi?

Sorry, Mister Ox,
I don't want to contradict,

but it's possible that, today,
Rossi will score three goals.

- Shut your face, for Christs' sake.
- Hey, relax.

Be cool, he has palpitations.

- Thank you.
- Take a hit, go on.

- Take it, it'll do you good.
- No, thank you.

- My heart will explode.
- Take it, go on!

- Cabrini, Antognoni.
- There.

- How many for Rossi?
- Three.

Pharisee, another 200
on a Rossi hat-trick.

Really? Has Christmas come early?

- Cabrini's looking ahead.
- Has he...?

Cabrini crosses it, Rossi...

Goal!

There, hear that?

- Pablito scored.
- Yeah.

Bruno Conti comes wide for Cabrini.
Crosses it. On the head...

- Paolo Rossi... One for us.
- Come on!

It's charged.

I'm going to try texting Serena,
maybe it'll send.

The technology doesn't even exist.

- Do you really think it'll send?
- I can try though, can't I?

Maybe it'll arrive in 40 years
and she won't even know who you are!

No point thinking of the future,
they're going to kill us all.

I haven't spoken to Serena in a week,
can't I at least try?

Do what you like,

but we don't even know
the future moves at the same speed.

Maybe in the future
only a minute has passed!

And what are you gonna talk about?

Cellulite, hand cream, constipation?

Why are you even together when-

Because we're a family,
not a loner like you!

Sorry.

Peres takes the ball.

Brazil were disheartened,
but that equaliser...

Giuseppe.

Because of you,
I've put 5 million on 3-2.

- Are you sure about this?
- I think so.

- Then I think I'll shoot you.
- No, I'm sure, 3-2.

- Conti, corner flag...
- Come on.

- He turns it.
- Yes.

- Yes!
- Goal!

- Goal, 3-2, a hat-trick for Rossi!
- I don't know how I did it.

Hat-trick for Rossi, Giuseppe!

Pharisee!

Go fuck yourself.

- Come on, Giuseppe.
- Yes.

(SONG: "LE FREAK" by CHIC)

Come on, love, come up and dance.

- Hey, what's up?
- No, nothing.

No? Are you still thinking about
that guy from the other night?

Come on, you need to dance.

Giuseppe, what's next?
We'll clean out every bookie in Rome.

Italy-Poland, 2-0, Rossi scores both.

Renatino, we've got a job tomorrow.

Ox, let it go.
I don't need bank jobs now!

I bent over backwards to arrange this.

Your ways are out, Ox.

He can make us money on the game,
without us getting our hands dirty!

The problem is...

I like getting my hands dirty.

You saw, he cracked the Pharisee open
like a clam.

You're an account, right Giuseppe?

- In a year we'll make him treasurer.
- Thank you.

Renatino, we built this gang together.

I respect you, you know that.
But you've gone too far.

- You want to say that again?
- You've gone too far, Renatino.

You offed the Worm, no one knows why.

This one appeared from nowhere,
now he's your best friend.

- So?
- So he's a twat.

And if he's Secret Services?
A cop?

- I'm not going down for this.
- Right.

Do one thing for me, Ox.

Go to hell.

You're getting soft, Renatino.
You make me sick.

Not as sick as I made you rich, huh?

Get out. And don't let me catch you
at the bar again.

Here, take the keys.

Trust me, I never want to set foot
in that bar again.

Hey.

- Thanks for everything, goodnight.
- You're welcome.

- Here, for your troubles.
- No way!

OK, OK.

No.

- What is it?
- Who is it?

- Hey!
- Giuseppe!

- So?
- All fine for now.

Good, then?

- Then he'll kill us after the final.
- Why?

As much as I'd love to,
how am I supposed to remember

every match from every competition
since 1982?

I'll get it wrong sooner or later.

And when Renatino realises,

we'll be useless to him.
Guess what happens then.

Bloody criminals.

That's a master Criminal to you.

This man has balls.

- He's gone mad.
- Completely gaga.

Clearly we need to find a way
to get back to the future.

Boys, with the Worm dead
they're never going to prison.

They've changed the entire history
of the Magliana Gang.

God, I'm so hot.

I have an idea,
but we have to stick together.

Yeah, we'll all die together in 1982.

- Go on.
- We'll take the Worm's place.

Do the Worm's job
and have Renatino arrested.

Giuseppe's keeping Renatino busy

betting on the last three matches
in the World Cup.

You remember them all, right?

Of course, those ones I remember.

While you keep him busy,

I send the Police an anonymous letter

and get them all arrested.

Then we'll go to Sant'Apollinare,
take the Gang's treasure,

bury it somewhere safe, and go home.

Then we'll dig it up in the future.

- It's a great idea.
- Excellent idea.

Bravo. We just have one problem.

- Here we go.
- What's that then?

The Ox and Renatino had a fight.

- The Gang split.
- Was it really bad, this fight?

Well, there was a war,
but not for another eight years.

- And there's another problem.
- Another one!

The Ox no longer has the keys
to where the wormhole is.

- Who does?
- Your girlfriend.

- Well someone has to go get them.
- Who should go?

- Think about it, who should go?
- Hmm, who should go?

Are you kidding?
Why do I have to go?

Because she's in love with you,
it's so obvious.

An incredible lack of intelligence
on the girl's part.

Sorry, but it's true.

- I'm not going.
- Why aren't you going?

- Shag her.
- Of course.

- Shag her.
- Take her to bed.

Do what you have to do,
two, three minutes...

When she falls asleep,
find the key and let's go.

Guys, I'm not shagging anyone.

And she's the boss' girlfriend,
I'm not going out like the Worm.

Fine. We'll stay here then.

Giuseppe?

Giuseppe, wake up!

Morning, Signor Renatino.

Why didn't you tell me
you wear a wig?

Who?

Because... I'm embarrassed.

Fair enough, Giuseppe,
you're pretty damn ugly without it.

But don't worry,
I won't tell anyone.

The whole Gang would take the piss.

- Thank you.
- No problem.

- Put it on, it's disturbing.
- Sure, right away.

- Done.
- Listen, I've got a gig today.

Oh, really? Do you sing
or play an instrument?

- An instrument?
- No?

- It's a bank job, Giuseppe.
- Oh.

- Before Ox and his boys get there.
- But I thought you didn't...

You didn't do that anymore.
What changed your mind?

- I do what the fuck I like.
- Right.

Of course, better that way.

Yeah, and it'll teach those traitors,

the ones that went with the Ox.

The Industrialist, Accattone, Caciola,

the Driller, Kawasaki,
the Skunk, Greasy.

- I get it, everyone.
- Almost everyone.

- Almost.
- Almost everyone.

Still got Junior, Molisan, Halitosis,
Chicken Legs, Ventresca, Fusaia.

- You know, all the others.
- Yeah.

But the bank job is mine.

Well, what is it they say?

Break a leg.

- "Break a leg"?
- Yes.

You've missed the point, Giuseppe.

You and your pals are coming with me.

Thank you for this honour,
but I can't... my palpitations.

Idiot. I'm an artist.

Hey, up you get!
Time to put on your costumes.

Let's go. Today,
I'll show you how to rock and roll.

(SONG: "I WAS MADE FOR LOVIN' YOU"
by KISS)

- I'm mad.
- Why?

I always preferred the Rockets.

I can't be part of a robbery.

Come on. Let's get some money out.

Everyone freeze!
This is a hold up!

Don't even think about it.

- Junior.
- Put your gun down!

OK, relax, here.

- Relax.
- Get back.

If I hear a peak out of you,
I'll shoot.

Everyone face down, now!

- OK.
- What the hell are you doing?

- Oh, them.
- Get over there.

- Over here?
- Giuseppe, is he?

Is he what?

I said: "Everyone face down."
"Everyone" means "everyone".

- You deaf?
- Get down, for God's sake.

Didn't you hear, idiot? Turn around.

Open the safe.

- Open the safe.
- Not in the mouth, come on.

- I don't have the key.
- Shame.

And you were so handsome.

No, please, I'm the manager,
I have the key.

It's here.

Open it then, come on.

Come on.

Stay down. Face down!

Please.

No, my beautiful lady,
no need to get up.

Is that me? Oh, it's mine.

- Just a second, sorry.
- Hang up.

- Won't take a minute.
- Turn it off!

Yes, hello?

Sure, here he is.

- He's asking for Steve Jobs.
- Have you gone completely mad?

- Just a second.
- Hello?

- Hi, Steve, it's Gianfranco.
- The Sucker!

I charged the iPhone
with that Duracell thing.

- Pretty advanced stuff.
- Tell him to write to my wife.

- Get lost.
- As well as a Commodore 64.

Here's what I want:
going into business with you.

I'm a little busy right now,
can we talk later?

- Such a good friend, later.
- Quit it with the walkie-talkie!

- Of course, finishing up now.
- Is this a robbery or not?

- You're right.
- Come on!

They got me! Help!

- Get down!
- Shoot that arsehole!

What is that?

- The alarm.
- They've set off the alarm!

Take the bags and get in the car!

Please, let's get out of here!

- Boys, police!
- Police, hands in the air!

- Police!
- Everyone freeze!

- The police.
- Get over there, go!

- Over there!
- Giuseppe, watch out!

Shit.

Oh for God's sake!

Thanks, boss.

You, come here.

- No!
- Put your gun down!

Quickly, or I'll blow your brains out!

- He's gone mad.
- Down!

Please, no.

- You two, behind me.
- Of course, coming.

Boss, let's go!

Go outside, I'll get the money.
To the car, go!

- Live in peace, peace is beautiful.
- Get outside.

- No crying, this is nothing.
- Yes.

Just a hole in the leg,
you're not going to die.

Maybe a wheelchair,
but you're not going to die.

Guns down, or I swear to God,
I'll blow your brains out!

- Guns down!
- And who are you?

- We're Kiss.
- You're Kiss, are you?

Get out. Here.

- Don't move!
- What happened to your palpitations?

I got over them.

- Stop!
- Go!

(POLICE SIRENS SOUNDS)

- You're surrounded!
- Police, give yourselves up!

Go.

We could have died,
we risked our lives.

I robbed a bank, I'm so ashamed.

That was the most epic moment
in my life.

Just one thing left to do.

- Hello?
- Sebastiano!

My love, how are you?
I've missed you so much!

- I missed you too.
- I have something for you.

- Thank you.
- What happened?

It was a disaster.

They made us rob a bank,
all dressed in spandex.

We escaped in a police car
and they arrested Renatino.

I know. You talk too much.

- Come here.
- No, wait a second.

- Let's just talk a second, wait.
- What is it now?

I can't, you know that.

- Listen.
- Yeah?

I've known my fair share of men,

but one who makes such a big deal
out of his wife...

- You're right.
- You're not gay, are you?

No.

You're just so sensitive...

No, I just think you deserve
more than a married man.

I get it, I'm like forbidden fruit,

"everyone wants it
but no one will take it".

- Smoke? Oh, no you don't even smoke.
- Actually, I'll take one, please.

- Well, then...
- Yeah?

What is it you want from me?

I just want you to be happy,

to pay less attention
to the crap men tell you

and more to what you want.

- Sebastiano.
- Yeah?

- Come here.
- Yes.

- Let's have a cuddle.
- A cuddle sure, that's fine.

- I'll snuggle in here.
- I respect you.

- Is that ok?
- I'd like that, yes.

Yeah?

You've made quite the reputation
for yourselves.

I'm not the only one
caught up in your antics anymore.

Well done, you walk.

The Minister sends his regards.

Look.

Ox.

I've already told Renatino.

Neither you nor your pals
are welcome here.

There's been a few changes.

We're no friends of Renatino here.

Pharisee, me and you gotta talk.

Where's the key?

Is it here?

(SABRINA SNORING)

Here it is!

Here it is.

Hey.

There's something about you,
I can feel it.

Me too.

- Yes, no, right from the start.
- Slowly.

Since the first time I saw you...

I can't even explain how I feel.

But it was me that...

What...

- What's this?
- Weren't we...

- These are the keys to the bar.
- Yes, I can explain everything.

- Did you only come to steal them?
- No.

- Can I tell you the truth?
- The truth is: you're all the same.

No, the truth is I'm from the future,
from 2018.

And I'm Coco the Clown. Get out!

How do you think we know
the World Cup results?

We've already seen those matches,
Italy's going to win the cup.

There's a wormhole in the bar,
a thingy bridge,

an Einstein and Rosen
something-or-other.

We came through it.

Now that Renatino is in prison,
we can finally go back to the future.

I know what you want to do.

- You want to steal the Gang's gold.
- No.

But no one knows where it is.

It's in Sant'Apollinare.

What do you know?

I read it in a book
that comes out in 20 years' time.

Oh come on!

Listen, when I go back I'll leave Serena.

You've shown me
it's no good being with a woman

purely out of guilt.

You have to find the strength
to start over.

You gave me that strength.
I want to take you to the future.

How long does it take?

Boys, here we are.

- Watch your step.
- Her?

- We're here.
- What's she doing here?

I'm the one you need to speak to,
because I'm the one with the keys.

"Even-Stevens", OK?

"Even-Stevens"?

You went to get the keys
and you got her instead.

- You talk too much.
- Seriously?

- Steve Jobs.
- Gianfranco, how did you find us?

Find My iPhone.

It was a nightmare connecting the GPS
to the Coast Guard, but I did it.

Who's this?
You've got a son, as well?

No, it's the Sucker as a kid.

Don't call me that. Imbecile.

- Moron.
- Cretin.

- Smelly.
- Arse.

Get lost!

Are you seriously arguing
with a little boy? Let's go!

I've never liked him,

Even the other day, embarrassing us
with those Belarus sluts.

- What? When?
- In 2018, you wouldn't understand.

Anyway, I'm warning you,
as a grown up, you're a bore.

In 2018?
You're still on about that?

You're all crazy.

- Gianfranco, you should go home.
- Go on.

You can't be here, go.

But we're friends, Steve Jobs.

We've got a business to run together.
We'll "make money by the shovelful".

- Make money...
- Well, I'm taking this money for me.

What's she taking?
Where's she going?

- Leave her be.
- What?

- What do you care?
- "Even-Stevens", she said it.

- Leave her be.
- I need that money.

- Moreno, she's a lady.
- A lady? She's a whore!

- Your mum's a whore!
- Ow!

- No, stop, let's not...
- Arsehole!

- Enough!
- Peppino.

No, no more of this "Peppino" crap.

Go on, put it down, it's not yours.

What? We came here to steal it.

- Exactly.
- You don't deserve it.

You can't even comprehend the graft,
the sacrifice, the genius required

to amass a fortune like this.

Come on, put Renatino's treasure back
you ingrates.

You're a thief, an assassin.

Bravo.

You're right,
the world is full of idiots.

But I knew I could trust you.

Come here, Giuseppe.

And you?

What are you doing here?

My love.

I didn't want to, they made me.

- Really? They made you?
- Yeah.

- But didn't harm a hair on her head.
- It's true.

- Of course not.
- Exactly.

- So you wanted to take my money.
- No.

- Go on then.
- No, don't kill him!

Steve Jobs is a genius,
the world needs him.

- Please, reconsider.
- Shut it.

- No!
- He's just a boy.

Not the boy.

You're not Steve Jobs.
You're certainly not a genius.

Tell him the truth.

Tell him the truth. Name?

I'm Filipponi Moreno.

"Filipponi Moreno"? Moreno?

Occupation?

Unemployed.

Renatino, what do we do with the boy?

Now you've told him my name,
make soup out of him, and these two.

- My love, no.
- "My love"? Stay out of this.

Come on, get out.

Let's go.

- Watch her.
- OK.

Face down.

Come on, face down.

Shoot them.

- No, you can't ask me to do that.
- Kill them, like the dogs they are.

Come on.

No, I can't.

No!

No!

(SONG: "FIGLI DELLE STELLE"
by ALAN SORRENTI)

- There, do a line.
- No.

It'll relax you.

- Are you going to tell me what's up?
- I'm leaving.

Look, you ingrate,
what's got into you?

Renatino, it's over.

I decide when it's over, come here.
Where the fuck are you going?

Get this into your thick head.

You're mine, you get it?

- Mine!
- You disgust me.

Peppino, turn away,
I'm talking to my girl.

Leave her be.

What are you gonna do about it?

- Declare my income?
- No.

I'll kill you.

I almost fell for that.

For Christ's sake!
Good one, Giuseppe, bring it in.

Let's go get another hit.

Ox? It's me, Biafra.

At the bar.
The boss is watching the final.

At 90 minutes, it'll blow so hard
they'll hear it in Spain.

We'll take them all down,
those pieces of shit.

Ox, hang on, I'll call you back.

Hey!

- I know you.
- No, I don't think so.

You're Renatino's bitch,
you piece of shit.

- I'm gonna kill you!
- Woah!

What are you doing?

- Goodbye, moron.
- No!

Run!

What's happening?

Look!

- Run!
- What the...?

Watch out!

No!

What's going on?

Oh my God.

Oh my good God, what have I done?

He just ran out, call a doctor!

- What happened?
- They're alive.

- Who's alive?
- Moreno and Sebastiano are alive.

- What? We watched them die.
- No, the gun was shooting blanks.

See it? It was this one, it's fake.
We brought it from the future.

- Come with me.
- I couldn't brake in time.

My life is over.

Come on.

Moreno!

Sebastiano!

- Moreno!
- Sebastiano!

Where are they?

Sebastiano!

- Who is it?
- Sebastiano!

- It's Giuseppe.
- Moreno!

We're here!

- Slowly.
- My friends!

My friends!

- Come here.
- My love.

- What about Renatino?
- I left him.

You're all mine, then?

- Kiss later!
- Yeah, OK.

Let's go, Ox's buddies
put a bomb in the bar.

We need to hurry,

or they'll blow up the wormhole
and then we'll be screwed.

Since when do you speak in dialect?

I did a line in the club last night.

- A line?
- Yeah, huge. This big.

And I snorted it. Let's go!

- We need to move the treasure first.
- That we do.

Where are we going to stash it?

Hmm.

Behind my granddad's hut,
where I used to hide my mags.

- Yes!
- You read dirty magazines?

- I was a kid.
- You're all the same.

(SONG: "TEQUILA" by THE CHAMPS)

Come on.

That's it.

Watch out.

Don't you want to close the bags?

- Careful.
- Here it is.

Moreno?

We've actually
"made money by the shovelful"!

Instead of fooling around,
could you maybe give me a hand?

Do I need to remind you?
A bomb is about to explode.

- Of course, but my back...
- I'll do it.

- Come on.
- You're doing great without me.

(VOICES FROM THE TV)

Boys, if they see us we're dead.

Want some? They're so good.
Better than those awful e-cigs.

(VOICES FROM THE TV)

- When does the bomb blow?
- In 15 minutes.

Come on then.

After you.

- They should bring Causio on.
- You're kidding.

Nah, he's dead.

- He's right.
- Look at him go.

- Shut up.
- 15 minutes.

- Come on, we're nearly there.
- If we can hold out, we'll win.

Come on, let's have another.

- In the lead!
- It's ours.

Quiet.

- Quickly, open it.
- The key.

- Open it.
- The key.

- Come on.
- Would you hurry up?

- Let me find the key!
- Help!

- Help!
- Can you hear that?

- What?
- What?

- Shut it.
- Help!

- What is it?
- Can't you hear it?

- Help!
- It's a cat.

A cat?

- Goal!
- Altobelli's goal, nine minutes.

Hurry up, for God's sake.

- Gianfranco's here.
- Gianfranco?

- Little Gianfranco, the kid.
- He's in here?

Somewhere in here.

- Help!
- Move!

It's coming from next door,
the pool room.

But we'll have to go past everyone
to get there.

- No.
- Absolutely not, it's too risky.

- In nine minutes, a bomb goes off.
- Exactly.

We'll all be dead, let's go.

- It's suicide.
- Boys, I have to.

- Where are you going?
- Moreno!

The President is loving this shit.

He's even stood next to the King
What's his name?

Juan Carlos.

- Juan Carlos!
- They're tired.

It's my round.

- Throw in.
- Look at the President.

Here's Oriali with Rossi.

- My God.
- Conti.

Steve Jobs, you came for me!

Steve Jobs, still?
I'm not Steve Jobs.

Gianfranco,
go out this door, OK?

Get right away from the bar,
run home as fast as you can.

- Got it?
- OK.

Listen, Gianfranco:
follow your dreams.

And tell Moreno
that business is done as a team.

None of this crap
about stuffed olives in Qatar.

Moreno isn't so bad,
he's just jealous of you,

because you're better than him.

- Than you?
- Than me.

Go.

Let's go.

- Run, go.
- Hey.

Thank you, I owe you one.

- Here it is.
- When's the whistle?

How do I know?

Bearzot brings on Causio for Altobelli.

- Who's going off?
- He's time wasting.

- I feel sick.
- Zoff puts it back in play.

Here's Oriali.

- Come on, hurry!
- Quickly.

You did it, come on.

- Little Gianfranco?
- Tell you later.

- Everyone in, quick.
- I can't see a thing.

Love, give me your hand.

- Sorry but you were right.
- What? Where are you?

I deserve more
than another married man.

No, I'll leave Serena
the second we get back.

I don't want to be
someone else's woman anymore.

- Gotta believe in myself.
- OK, Christina, move it!

- He's right, go!
- My love, where are you going?

- Where...?
- My love?

- No!
- What do you care?

She's going back to take the treasure!

- You think?
- Of course she is!

- Oh crap.
- The treasure!

- Quickly!
- Careful.

Where is she?

What the fuck is this?

Close it!

Where are you going?
You're screwed!

Shut the bridge and let's go,
before they kill us all!

- The lighter!
- Yes, nice one!

Open that door!
You hear me, Giuseppe?

I believed in you,
but you're a traitor like the rest!

- There we go.
- Giuseppe!

- Open up!
- A wall?

No!

Giuseppe, open this fucking door,
I'll kill you.

Open up!

Stand back.

- We're surrounded.
- What's that?

- It's me!
- The Sucker!

Don't call me that.

We'll never call you it again,
just get us out of here!

Come on.

- Open the fucking door.
- Watch out.

- He's going to kill us.
- Come on, nearly there!

- Go.
- I owe you one, Gianfranco.

Thanks, Steve Jobs.
But there's a bomb about to blow.

- Come on, nearly there.
- Yes.

Go.

And it's all over!
Italy, World Champions!

I'm sorry,

but if Moreno doesn't turn up
cheque in hand,

he's going straight to prison.

Hello, my good lawyer.

Hi.

- Look at that.
- And what is that?

Can't you see it?
It's a solid gold ingot.

About double what my wife is due.

And I also owe her some apologies.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as you all know,
this isn't just a business,

it's also a big family,

where the bonds between us
matter more than anything.

And so, it's with great pleasure
that I present my new partner.

But really he's not new,
because I've known him a lifetime.

My new partner is...

Pierpaolo Caterini.

Thank you.

I can't thank you enough.

Well done.

Sorry, but I really think.
I deserve to be made partner.

What? Let's be serious, now.

You need to stand up for yourself
in this role

and you, I'm sorry to say Giuseppe,

are nothing but a doormat.

- What is this, a circus act?
- Listen up.

Here is my contract
for a permanent, full-time job

at the top pay grade,
including bonus,

holidays, expenses and benefits.

And that is my resignation
with severance package

and 16 years of back payments.

Now, be good.
Initials on every page

and your full signature at the end.

Are you insane? What is this?
La Grande Révolution?

Do you know where I'll tell you
to shove this pen?

I've a pretty good idea,
but you're gonna sign this

and then it'll be me showing you
where to shove it.

And if you like it, well,
you can shove this up there too.

- Oh God!
- Giuseppe.

Now, I'll count to three.
One, sign it.

- I'm signing!
- Two.

- I'm signing!
- And three.

Now, whenever you see me in future,
I want to see you lower your gaze.

Because, gentlemen,
I was Renatino's sidekick!

He's gone mad.

Boys, if my research is correct,

Sabrina lives in Montecarlo.
married to an old French tennis star.

- And?
- She'll have half the treasure.

I don't know if I want to see her,
she'll be as old as my mother.

Gianfranco, you don't need money.
Didn't your start up make millions?

You realise I spent it all
bringing you back to the future?

Well, then let's take that treasure,
Come on!

- Right, let's take Montecarlo!
- "Take Roma back"!

Go ahead, go ahead.
I'm coming for you.

(SONG: "NON CI RESTA CHE IL CRIMINE"
by FRANKIE HI-NRG MC and MAURIZIO FILARDO)