All language subtitles for Youre.the.Worst.S02E12.Other.Things.You.Could.Be.Doing.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-SiGMA_track3_[eng]

The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on FXX.

FXX presents You're the Worst.

[ Man Laughs ]

(moaning)

(sighs)

(moaning)

*

I'm gonna suck on your toes.

Do it.
(moans)

Oh, my God!

What?

(gagging)

Oh, stop.

Skiing is rough on the feet.

Skiing?! It looks like

these things got caught
in the gears of a clock.

This is crazy.

I was just about
to let you rawdog me

on my bar
with my foot in your mouth.

Yeah, the foot part's
not happening.

Neither is the other part.

What?
I've had enough drunken,

sloppy hookups
to last me a lifetime.

Oh, so the stories about sex

in the Winter Olympic
Village are true?

It's like a rap video
from the '90s,

except everyone's pale
and has pins in their legs.

Listen, I'm going up
to my cabin later today.

If we're gonna do this,
let's do it right.

I'll pick you up at 5:00.

Okay.

Oh, hey, um, don't knock.

I'll just meet you outside.

It's my roommate.

Shh. I get it.

(birds singing)

* I'm gonna leave you anyway

* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *

* Gonna leave you anyway.

(sputtering)

(sputtering,
humming)

Tall Nathan called.

They're renting my room.

I have to clear out my stuff
this week.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I guess.

You've been great
about letting me crash with you,

but it's time
to get my own place.

Wow, it's so sad.

I'm 33, and I'm excited

about living in a shitty studio
in Koreatown.

What are you doing?
(sighs)

I'm trying to
forge a connection

with each audience
member beforehand.

(laughs)

Oh, you're not doing a bit.

I really hope he
likes the show.

He saw a bad production of
Caucasian Chalk Circle once.

It ruined his entire summer.

Hey.

You get to be selfish today.

I know, but...

this is the first chance

for Jimmy to see me
as something else.

Improv is the only
thing I've ever done

that I've been really proud of.

What about Iraq?

One night after a bunch
of us went drinking,

we came across these
locals playing Mheibes.

Okay, well, have a good show!

Hi.

Shh. These decals are
tricky to apply straight.

You should have seen the
mess I made of the dolphin.

It looked like a
scene from The Cove.

The other night,
I almost died.

Uh-huh.

As I stood there,

cold steel pressed
against the side of my head,

seconds from oblivion...
Well...

a traumatic event like that

makes you reevaluate
your relationships.

So...

here.

What is that?
The key

to the Tuppermans' house.

You used to babysit for them.

Where did you find this?

I was desperate for a place to
make out with Kenny Van Dzingel,

so I stole their key
from your room.

You got me fired!

Mom took away

my Tamagotchi!

It starved to death, Lindsay.
Starved!

I've been such a bad sister.

I am so, so,

so sorry.

I want to be better
to everyone, especially you.

I love you.

Oh!
What?

I guess the baby loves the
sound of you apologizing. Feel.

Now, while you're
on an apology tour,

have you apologized to Paul for
dragging things out for so long?

I can't. It's too hard.
Hey.

You bravely apologized to me

for how you've been
a totally really

shitty sister
for our entire lives.

If you can do that,
you can let go of Paul.

(sighs)

You never told me.

Am I gonna be an aunt
or an uncle?

No, Linds, you-you...

The doctor wrote it
down in this envelope.

Oh. We're saving the reveal
for the big baby shower.

We don't even know.

But from the length of my mucus,
I do have a guess.

Can you not talk about mucus?

I just had a lot of very
questionable yogurt toppings.

I thought you were staying
at Lindsay's indefinitely.

Do you want to talk?

Okay. Well, judging from
the things you said last time,

I'm assuming
you didn't come for me.

Unless you did.

Which is something you could
confirm or deny right now

with a grunt.

Or a twitch, really.

Gretchen?

(gasps)
Do you know what?

You are being dramatic
and self-pitying,

and, frankly, it's unbecoming.

Just snap out of it.

Just stop it, Gretchen. Just...

(clapping)
Stop it!

So that's it, is it?

You're done?

Well, fine.

I'm leaving town for a few days.

(phone buzzes)

This is ridiculous!

If you don't want me to talk
to you, why did you return?

(phone buzzing)

Are you not even
slightly curious

where I might be going, hmm?

'Cause you wouldn't like it.

Not at all.

(phone buzzing)

All right, now you've really
cheesed me off.

This is my house!
I'm not going anywhere.

(phone buzzing)
No!

Not reading any more texts.

In fact, I'm gonna block you.

And in doing so, I've
inadvertently read your text.

I did not think this out
properly.

Well, that's the last one.

If you want to communicate,

then you can just talk to me
with your dumb mouth.

What are you doing?

If you're not gonna talk to me,

then you can talk
to your friends.

Your contacts
make no sense.

"Weird cummer?"
"Racist but hot?"

Eight that just say,
"Do not answer."

Henry Rollins?

Don't call him.
Don't call anyone.

Well, then get up and stop me.

SAM:
Dang. That's spooky.

She's just
staring at nothing.

Just like one of
them Peaky Blinders.

Okay, I haven't
watched it yet.

Jaclyn got us
watching Rectify.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

I'm sorry I gave you scabies.

I'm sorry I left you alone
at that party with Moby.

Your mother didn't needlessly
and recklessly

vaccinate you, did she?

Want to hear a joke?

I know exactly how you feel.

It's like, what's the point
of it all?

I, uh...

I forgot my joke.

I have this friend, Kasia,
who was in the dumps, too.

She was sleeping in an abandoned
apartment in Novokuznetsk,

living off potato water
and Ukrainian candy, but...

you should see her now.

(chuckles, sighs)

Some of the most
legendary geniuses

of our time suffer
from depression.

David Foster Wallace, Hemingway,
Spalding Grey,

Boner from Growing Pains.

What?!

Seriously?
Mm-hmm.

All of them?
(whispers):
All of them.

My dad looks
just like you do right now.

Last week, he didn't come out
of his room for three days,

so I had a mustard sandwich
for dinner.

And so that's why I founded
my anti-vaccine group.

Because I realized I really have
to give back, you know?

And, also, it's just not
about me anymore.

And, also, can you imagine
how hard my life would be

if my baby came out...?

I'm sorry. During
The Rock of Love auditions,

I called you
a "poor man's Isla Fischer."

"Oh, great,
they opened a pudding stand

next to the taxidermy school."

Who cares?

Now she drives an Alpina.

I only drive a seven series!

She's got a gold Apple watch!

That heartless,
tyrannical bitch.

Even Boner?

Even Boner.

It ain't even real acting.

You just be, like,
"Yeah, my car broke down."

Then you nut a dude or two
while they drive the van around,

and they give you,
like, 65 bucks!

Free money, basically.

What if we, like,
just got a group together

and went to the Ace,
Palm Springs?

Lexi won't care.

Plus... I have
a separate credit card.

My dad gave it to me
for emergencies.

I guess I'm not exactly sure

what I'm supposed
to be doing here.

LINDSAY:
And I'm sorry

about that one time
we were camping,

and I told you a bear pooped
in your sleeping bag.

There was no bear.

(applause and cheering)

Thank you for coming
to the 101 class show

for our baby improvisers.

We know
that there are other things

that you could be doing
at 3:00 p.m. on a Wednesday,

like working...
(laughter)

...or watching Maury Povich,

masturbating, masturbating
while watching Maury Povich.

I like when they're not the dad,
and then they immediately

jump into the audience and start
high-fiving everyone.

And then, the mom's, like,
"No, I thought he was the dad!"

Anyway,
please welcome our 101 class!

(applause)
Oh, babies!

(applause and cheering)

All right, all right, we're
starting with speed scenes.

I need a location.
Yell it out.

Train station!

(applause and cheering)
I heard "train station."

Oh, gee, I hope the
train comes soon.

I can't wait to get to my
job at the bomb factory.

Extra! Extra!
Japan surrenders.

The war is over! Ha.

Oops. Well, back to
the kitchen for me.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Wow. That is offensive.

I am totally not blind.

(laughter)

(Bronx accent):
Hey, yo, watch it!

I'm a baby over here!

Oh!

Hey, yo, Bill.
Yeah, Carl?

I think it's really cool

when the lady feeds me
from her boob, ya know?

Yeah, I like that, too.

Aw, yeah.

I just pooped myself.

Noyce.

(cheering, laughing)
Uh, oh, oh...

Oh...

*

Thank you all so much!

Thank you so much for coming.

Please stick around
for beer and wine in the lobby.

What?

I'm not the father?

Yeah!

(whooping, applause)

*

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, yes! Yes!

(laughs)
Yes!

That was great!

*

Yeah!

(laughs)

(giggling)

Your chicken-wing is improving
by leaps and bounds.

I've got a good teacher.

(laughs)

(watch beeping)

Oh, zorp!

The parking meter's almost out.

I'll be back in a jiff.

Then I want a mancala rematch.

Oh, someone's a glutton
for punishment.

(gasps) Oh.
Let me ask you
something.

Do you really love Paul?

I-I feel for you.

You had the perfect man

and you didn't appreciate him.

But to answer
your question,

yes.

I do love him.

Unequivocally,
to the end of the galaxy...

which is ever-expanding,

so, technically,
not an actual place, but...

You just talked back to me.

Never do it again.

But that's good.

Paul needs someone
who can defend him.

He's kind of a marshmallow.

And that's the difference
between you and me:

I love that about him.

Here.

I signed them.

(sighs)

He's yours.

Wow.

Thanks.

Why... why are they sticky?

Take care of him, okay?

Make sure
he puts on

that super-tight sweatshirt

if there's a thunderstorm.

The pressure
reduces his anxiety.

I know.

That's for stealing my husband.

Relationships are tough, Jimmy.

My mom has
a new boyfriend.

My dad won't
stop crying.

He's been playing
"Hurdy Gurdy Man"

on repeat for days.

It's really scary.

Oh, that's good to hear.

Go away.

You're erect!

That's amazing.

I can't say it again.

I can't.

I just still can't understand.

Can you... can you
explain it to me, please?

I'm... scraped out.

I'm that car
we sent to Mars,

flipped upside-down so the sun
can't reach my solar panels.

I've always been able

to flip myself back over
eventually, but...

I ran out of times.

This is how I am now.

And it's not okay with you.

Nor should it be.

Okay.

Well, um...

I suppose it's-it's good
that this happened now,

instead of, I don't know, like,
ten years down the line.

Yeah.

I'll be back
in a couple of days.

I'll be out
by the time you get back.

Have fun.

You deserve it.

Whoever she is.

(sighs)

*

*

(parking brake engages)

(phone buzzing)

DOROTHY:
I couldn't find you!

That was so good.

Didn't that feel good?

Oh, my God, your steroid
accountant character

was hysterical.

Who just lets someone sit

in someone else's reserved seat?

They give them up as soon as
the show starts, you know that.

All I know is

when you think someone's
here supporting you

and then they're not,

it feels really bad.

I hate that Jimmy ruined
that great show for you.

That sucks.

I just thought we were
getting to a new place.

He sees me
with a girlfriend,

a job, a new passion...

But... clearly I was wrong.

He still
just thinks of me

as a freeloading veteran
with perfect features.

Hey, you need
to concentrate on you.

On what's next for Edgar.

And I hope whatever's next
for Edgar has me in it.

Hey, I have to go look at
this new apartment.

You want to come with me
and then go to the diner?

Yes.

Have you ever dipped fries
into a milk shake?

Sounds weird.

Oh...

NINA:
Mother...!
(horn blares)

(car door opens)

Hello.

(car door opens)

(door shuts, engine starts)

(tires squeal)

(sighs quietly)

DOROTHY:
The bedroom is small,

but it's not like I'm going
to do CrossFit in there.

And, Edgar, there's a little
window in the closet.

And I love
the floors.

Yuck to the kitchen,

but it's got a view.

I've never had a view before.

Dang, I wish it was $400 less.

You love it.

I love it.

Then you should live here.

I can't afford it.

At this point,
it's just a fantasy.

But maybe someday,

if I pick up a few extra
classes...

We could split it.

What are you talking about?

What do you... what do you
think I'm talking about?

Living together.

But that's crazy.

Right?

You're serious?

Could we get furniture

that's not just trash
from off the street?

We could do that.

So, for real?

You want to do this?

For real.

You want to live with me!

*

* I am a house built

* Out of twigs and

* Sto-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ones

* I am a house...

You stayed?

Yeah.

(crying):
You stayed.

(sobbing)

* But I got love to give

* And give and give and give

* And give and give

* I got love to give

* And give and give and give

* And give and give

Farts.

* I am storm cloud

* But without a lightning bolt

* To help me see my
way-ay-ay-ay-ay *

* I am a rain drop

* But without an earth below

* I am due to fall
apar-ar-ar-ar-art *

* But I got love to give

* And give and give
and give... *

(dog barks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

You're the Worst.
All new, Wednesday at 10:30.

On FXX.

[ Crowd Cheering ]
A fantasy league
is like a family--

said no one ever.

I have achieved more
than I ever thought possible--

a checking account,
unlimited texting.

Win or lose,
it's how you play
your friends.

Do I have any regrets?
Yeah. Tony Romo.

History is not written
by the winners.
It's written by the cheaters.

My mother always wondered,
how low can you go?

Well, Mom, pretty low.

The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on FXX.

* (funk intro)

MAN:
* I been in the right place

Fargo. All-new,
Mondays at 10:00 on FX.

-This January--
-(screams)

Ew. (sniffs)
Bro.

(gasps)
Oh, God!

Do you hear
that chirping sound?

(squawking)
Aaah!

What the hell
am I looking at?

Hello!

Oh!

-(screams)
-(hisses)

-(cheers)
-No!

We're mainlining wine.
It's not beer.

We can't mainline beer
because it's got
bubbles in it.

We tried. It was bad.

Oh!
Oh.

Sunny. Premieres
Wednesday, January 6.

Only on FXX.

-Who are you guys?
-We have come to have sex
with you.

Holy--

What are you
looking for exactly?

(screams)

Why not get
surgically conjoined?

Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season,
Wednesday, January 6 on FXX.

-MAN (on speaker):
Welcome to ¡Que Ricos!
-Tangerine Fanta, please.

-We do not have that.
-Pepsi Lime.

-We have Coke.
-New or Classic?

-Just regular Coke.
-Okay. Schweppes then.

Did you say "Schweppes"?

Schweppes!
Schweppes!

- Sorry. I heard two people.
- Schweppes! I said Schweppes!

MAN (on speaker):
Don't have it.