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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:01,035
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
2
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:05,606
Only on FXX.
3
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,911
FXX presents You're the Worst.
4
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,046
[ Man Laughs ]
5
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,898
(sniffing)
6
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,671
(sniffing)
7
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,273
(whispers):
Okay.
8
00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:41,342
* Dorothy and Gretchen
9
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,244
* Sayin' hello
in the mornin'. *
10
00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:45,346
Shh!
11
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:46,780
Okay.
12
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,216
Bye.
13
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:50,218
I'll see you later.
14
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,186
Ugh!
15
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,687
Can you get rid of that?
16
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,589
Guns freak me out.
17
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:57,291
950 grams.
18
00:00:57,325 --> 00:01:00,128
They say the human soul
weighs 21 grams.
19
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,662
Never mind. I'll do it.
20
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:04,898
Hey, that's your best
garbage bag.
21
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,134
You going somewhere?
22
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,701
I'm just staying
at Lindsay's for a bit.
23
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,370
She needs help with everything.
24
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,504
See ya.
25
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,449
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
26
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:24,285
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
27
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,787
* Gonna leave you anyway.
28
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,327
* I see you callin'
29
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,129
* But I just keep stallin'
30
00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:36,330
* Uh-huh, uh-huh *
31
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,132
* New phone, who 'dis?
32
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,267
* Who 'dis? *
33
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:40,401
Killer hook, Linds.
34
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:41,435
Thanks.
35
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:42,903
And guess what.
36
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,071
We're going to Fire 103 today
37
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,406
to drop the song
38
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,475
on Trace's show.
Nice!
39
00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:50,678
Well, I better get back to it.
40
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,113
Oh, creating a human life.
41
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:56,150
I got to tell you,
it is so fulfilling.
42
00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:58,186
But making a grammatical
nightmare of a song
43
00:01:58,219 --> 00:01:59,787
with Gretchen's
psychopath client,
44
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,456
that's a really big deal,
you know, for you.
45
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,258
Oh, hey.
46
00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:05,759
Tomorrow I'm eating runny cheese
47
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,828
and going on
an inverted roller coaster.
48
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,430
Want to come?
Okay.
49
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,332
Oh, sorry, I forgot.
50
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:14,034
You can't ever do anything fun
because you're ruining your body
51
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,869
with some
ginger-headed parasite.
52
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,605
Ha!
Whatever.
53
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:20,674
In five months, I will be on
a Disney cruise with my family
54
00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:22,343
while you're
at divorce court,
55
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,712
looking back on the time
someone took pity on you
56
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,014
and let you sing
on their stupid song.
57
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:31,952
"New Phone Who 'Dis?"
is not a stupid song.
58
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,021
It's about texting!
59
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,563
"K"?
60
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,698
Wow.
61
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,166
You weren't lying.
62
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,835
Was that 2010?
63
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,170
Giant slalom.
64
00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:51,639
So what happened?
65
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,974
Well, here was me
a couple of months later
66
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,544
at the Winter X Games,
out of my gourd
67
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,646
on a couple of bong loads of
Shaun White's sour diesel.
68
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,147
Ah.
69
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,516
Well, you are skiing
the general idea of the course.
70
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,852
You're pole adjacent. Christ!
71
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,220
Oh, God!
72
00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:07,421
Oh, that is... Oh, no!
73
00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:09,223
I broke my leg
in a dozen places.
74
00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,225
If you listen close,
you can hear Brent Musburger
75
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:12,360
gag back a puke.
76
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:15,028
So I hung it up,
77
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:16,096
and then my grandpa died,
78
00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:17,831
and I took over his bar.
79
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,066
Life is long.
80
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:21,735
That it is, my gimpy friend.
81
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,606
So, skiers.
82
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,675
You guys must have large feet
83
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,444
in order
to balance properly, right?
84
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:34,047
(sighs)
85
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,917
My, what big, silly feet
you have.
86
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,051
(chuckles)
87
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,853
Fitting boots to those
would give
88
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,355
Giles Kevinson a heart attack.
89
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:43,056
Oh, a Buckle Your Shoes
deep cut.
90
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,858
I'm so mad
91
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:47,261
that we never got a happy ending
between Heathstead and Beatrix.
92
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:48,462
You've not seen
the holiday special?
93
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:50,063
There's a holiday special?
94
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,565
Yes, I own a copy.
95
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:52,633
What happens? Do they kiss?
96
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,302
Well...
Don't say anything.
97
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,736
Go get it.
I have to watch it now.
98
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,272
I doubt you have
an all-region DVD player.
99
00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,807
I don't even know what that is!
100
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:00,908
Can I come over
101
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,643
and watch?
102
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,445
Come on, come on.
103
00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,146
Come on.
Okay.
104
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:07,915
Give me a second.
105
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,583
Come on, come on.
106
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:10,584
Come on, come on,
107
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:12,219
come on, come on, come on.
108
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,822
Come on! Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on,
109
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,157
come on, come on.
110
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:18,392
Come on, come on,
come on.
111
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:19,327
Okay, let's go.
112
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,329
(laughs)
113
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:23,597
* New phone, who 'dis?
114
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:26,300
* Who 'dis, who 'dis,
who 'dis? *
115
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:28,101
* I feel you textin'
116
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:31,305
* But you get no sexin'
117
00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:33,106
* New phone, who 'dis?
118
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,575
* Who 'dis, who 'dis... *
119
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,910
(cheering)
120
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,446
Okay, that was, uh,
121
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:41,782
"New Phone Who 'Dis?"
122
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:45,085
The first solo single
by my man Sam Dresden.
123
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,454
Caller, you're on Fire 103.
124
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:47,855
Tell me what you think.
125
00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:49,289
WOMAN:
Wack.
126
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:50,358
Hmm.
127
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,459
Thoughts on Dresden's new song?
128
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,260
WOMAN 2:
Wack as hell.
129
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,428
You're on with Trace. Go.
130
00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:55,696
MAN:
A step back creatively.
131
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,297
Without his
former collaborators,
132
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,666
Dresden leans
on typewriter drums
133
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,868
and almost unmotivated
tempo shifts.
134
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,471
Not helped
by the thin female vocals.
135
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,872
He said I sounded thin!
136
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:07,140
Man, my tempo shifts
are unmotivated on purpose!
137
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:09,176
Gretchen Cutler,
138
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:10,444
Caliber Publicity.
139
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:11,979
I think it's important
to consider
140
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:13,514
side projects separate
from the main artists.
141
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:16,016
Uh, Temple of the Dog,
Chris Gaines.
142
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,985
These are really
old references.
143
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,421
I'll look stuff up.
Anyway, context!
144
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:24,825
TRACE: I went to commercial
as soon as you started talking,
145
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,193
and your client bailed
on my show.
146
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,395
Shit.
147
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:32,132
* Rims on layaway,
y'all, rims on layaway. *
148
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:35,803
Could you transfer some funds
from the account ending in 3278?
149
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,371
WOMAN:
I'm sorry, sir.
150
00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,840
That checking account
is overdrawn.
151
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:40,708
Hey, babe!
152
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,643
I can have one.
153
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,244
I'm celebrating.
154
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:46,747
Lindsay's song totally tanked
on the radio.
155
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,417
I need you
to get me some food.
156
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,218
Write this down.
157
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,421
Two...
158
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,255
Two beef and cheddars
from Arby's,
159
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,357
a birthday cake,
Red Vines,
160
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:59,593
Skinnylicious Salmon Rolls
from Cheesecake Factory,
161
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,929
a large popcorn from AMC--
just buy the ticket and leave.
162
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:04,231
Oh, man, I don't
have any cash.
163
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:06,166
You never have cash lately.
Just put it on the card.
164
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,068
We need the points
for the cruise anyway.
165
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,503
Oh, yeah, doy.
166
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,071
(baby-talking):
Thanks for the food, Daddy!
167
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,521
GRETCHEN:
Sam!
168
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:28,689
Why would you let me
do that show?
169
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,190
Because you wanted to.
170
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,694
You said, and I quote,
"Get your negligent ass
171
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,596
down to Fire 103.
We doin' a show."
172
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,030
My blood sugar was low!
173
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,566
You're supposed to give me
some goddamn almonds!
174
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:41,101
I am doing the
best I can, Sam!
175
00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:43,704
Then do someone else's best,
like Hillary Clinton
176
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,473
or Tori Amos circa
Little Earthquakes.
177
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:47,741
What are you on right now,
honestly?
178
00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,977
And don't lie to me.
Adderall.
179
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,612
And it's not even
working anymore.
180
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:55,082
This entire feud is your fault,
and those dis tracks
181
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:56,884
contain some shit that,
quite frankly,
182
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,119
I'm having some problems
recovering from.
183
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,455
Honey Nutz and Shitstain
literally haven't said anything
184
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:02,756
about you that isn't true.
185
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,492
They said your
grandma's a whore,
186
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:06,494
you don't have the head shape
for a five-panel hat,
187
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,496
your built-ins
aren't original,
188
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:10,230
you're not licensed
to teach Meisner...
189
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,732
Hold up, hold up!
190
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,367
They said my built-ins
aren't original?
191
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,104
How did they know?
I...
192
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,572
Listen, they nailed shit
back then
193
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:19,940
instead of using dowels,
Gretchen.
194
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,074
There were no dowels!
195
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,511
There were no dowels!
196
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:24,512
Never!
197
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:25,979
There were no dowels!
198
00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:35,689
Hey, you're still coming to my
improv grad performance, right?
199
00:07:35,723 --> 00:07:38,125
Oh, how could I squander
the opportunity
200
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:42,262
to see the gifted thespians
of the Wednesday 3:00 p.m. show?
201
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,765
So I'm going
to a barbecue tomorrow
202
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,000
with Dorothy's old team.
203
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,802
I'm a little nervous.
204
00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:53,841
Just mimic everything they do
like a rapidly mutating virus.
205
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,543
I think I'm just gonna
be myself.
206
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:58,011
(scoffs)
That's the worst version of you.
207
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:03,016
So, Gretchen told me
she's staying at Lindsay's.
208
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:05,352
Something going on?
209
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,187
We're fine. Go away.
210
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:12,660
(toilet flushes)
211
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,562
Go, go, go.
212
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:23,203
HEATHSTEAD:
Here's the last of the wellies.
213
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,572
Oh, look.
214
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,506
It's starting to snow.
215
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,041
(bell chiming)
216
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:30,210
Is this it?
217
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:38,552
HEATHSTEAD: Beatrix, can I
fetch you a pair of wellies?
218
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,087
Oh, my God.
219
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,724
Oh, Heathstead, I'm not here
for bleeding boots.
220
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:46,093
Well, Beatrix,
221
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:49,597
it's been a right pleasure
222
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:51,431
buckling your shoes.
223
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,601
What are you doing?!
224
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,845
I forgot one thing.
225
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,980
Do it. Do it!
226
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:10,618
They're kissing! (laughs)
227
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,052
Jimmy, they're kissing!
228
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:13,687
Oh, my God!
229
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,088
Oh, finally.
230
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:16,590
Okay!
231
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:18,759
Look, the truth is,
232
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:21,228
I have a girlfriend.
233
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,696
Who?
234
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,765
Greasy-hair Queen of Dragons?
235
00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:25,966
Yeah.
236
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,300
Oh, Jesus.
237
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:30,237
So, I'm gonna go.
238
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:33,440
And I'm gonna take this DVD
239
00:09:33,473 --> 00:09:36,644
and this DVD player
and this HDMI cord.
240
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,021
(belt clinking)
241
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,295
I don't know how
I let it go so far,
242
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:58,732
but I am in big trouble, Paul,
with a girl from the Internet.
243
00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:00,868
What girl?
244
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:04,838
Fun! Great shot, nerd!
245
00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,108
I'm a money slave.
246
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,143
A money what?
A money slave.
247
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,145
I let a girl from the Internet
control my finances.
248
00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:14,447
It's like S and M,
but instead of physical pain,
249
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:15,683
it's financial pain.
250
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:19,853
Little pig boy,
pay for my Invisalign.
251
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,155
Send money, loser!
252
00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:24,424
That's my goddess, Kasia.
253
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,994
In the last four months,
I've given her, like, a hundo.
254
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:29,229
$100,000?!
255
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:31,699
Ha!
256
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,500
Nice fart, Paul!
257
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:34,968
Real poopy!
258
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,873
I'm ending it.
Kasia's gone rogue.
259
00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:42,943
If I don't give her $15K,
she's gonna tell Becca.
260
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,013
You got to help me.
We're family.
261
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:48,481
Okay. Of course, Vernon.
262
00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:49,349
Oh, geez.
263
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:51,018
Thanks, Paul.
264
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,488
When I was 12,
265
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:58,158
me and my buddy, Slider,
jacked off next to each other
266
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,192
on a camping trip.
267
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:00,961
Why are you
telling me that?
268
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,696
Nothing.
269
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:04,431
Just memories.
270
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:14,274
(laughter)
271
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:17,477
You're here!
272
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,645
Hey, guys, you remember Edgar.
273
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:19,913
Hey.
274
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,314
Hey, man.
Hey. Uh, hi.
275
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,416
I, uh, I brought this.
276
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,753
Oh, wine, thanks.
277
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:30,724
Oh, damn it, my back!
278
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:31,658
Are you okay?
279
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,760
Oh, yeah, it just hurts
280
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,061
'cause my dick's so big.
281
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,428
(laughter)
282
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,230
Nah, he's always showing
us his tiny dick,
283
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,566
and the bit is he pretends
like it's all big.
284
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:41,234
So your back
doesn't hurt?
285
00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:42,602
No, actually it does.
286
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:43,904
Last week, my neighbor's
pit bull attacked me
287
00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:45,105
when I was carrying a pizza.
288
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:46,706
(laughs)
289
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,408
That actually wasn't a bit.
290
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:50,710
Yeah, it's really bad-- I have
to sleep in a water brace.
291
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,345
Probably end up in a wheelchair.
292
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:53,881
Oh, my God,
I'm sorry.
293
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:55,282
(laughing):
I'm just kidding, man.
294
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,484
That was a bit.
295
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,254
Oh, there's the team
that I coached--
296
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:03,223
"Beverley Hills
with an Extra E."
297
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:04,958
I should probably
go say hi.
298
00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:06,193
You good?
299
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,395
Oh, y-yeah,
yeah, totally.
300
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,464
Oh, hey.
301
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:12,699
You know Edgar?
302
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:13,901
He's the one putting
it in Dorothy
303
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:15,402
and taking it
back out again.
304
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,905
Nah. (chuckles)
I usually just leave it in.
305
00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,940
Uh...
So, anyway,
306
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,942
I'm putting this packet together
for the new Hee Haw reboot.
307
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,110
Man, that...
308
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,380
(knocking on window)
309
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,249
Goddamn it!
310
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,483
What?!
311
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,352
JIMMY:
Hello.
312
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:37,724
Red licorice vodka?
313
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,259
Were you expecting Chris Hansen?
314
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,294
Why are you here?
315
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:44,164
Last night, a certifiable
fox hit on me,
316
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:45,632
and I did not respond.
317
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:47,734
I masturbated furiously
afterwards,
318
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,970
but only after I'd rejected her.
319
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:51,638
You need to stop.
320
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:53,140
It's like you have amnesia.
321
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:55,575
Every day, you think
things are gonna be different,
322
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,077
and I'll just be happy.
323
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,512
Well, maybe you can
324
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:02,015
understand this.
325
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:04,751
I feel nothing.
326
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,287
About anything.
327
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,023
Dogs, candy,
old Blondie records,
328
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:12,125
nachos, you, us-- nothing.
329
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:17,064
So for the last time, please go!
330
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,076
Ugh.
331
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,547
(sniffing)
332
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,223
TRACE: You're listening
to Clockin' Out with Trace
333
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:44,791
on Fire 103.
334
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,159
Yeah, welcome back now.
335
00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:49,029
Everybody's been
talking about what happened
336
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,730
on yesterday's show.
337
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,799
So when Sam called up, looking
to apologize, I was like,
338
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:57,304
"You need to come down here,
man-to-man, face-to-Trace."
339
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,339
I wasn't trying
to be disrespectful
340
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:01,208
by walking out yesterday.
341
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:02,342
TRACE:
Hold up, hold up.
342
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:03,977
I got a surprise for you.
343
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:08,015
In the building--
S-stain and Honey Nutz!
344
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:10,250
Live on Fire 103, 'cause
we keeps it real here.
345
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,419
Gentlemen.
346
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:13,653
(grunts)
347
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,855
So, Sam,
348
00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:18,758
you had
something to say?
349
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,028
I feel bad for walking
out yesterday.
350
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,763
But I'm happy
that I'm here now,
351
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,665
so I can tell you...
352
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,235
what nasty mother
(bleep) y'all are!
353
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:29,702
(bleep) you, Shitstain!
354
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:32,739
(bleep) you,
Honey Nutz!
355
00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:34,674
And (bleep) you, Trace!
Ouch.
356
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,609
Almonds, Sam, almonds,
almonds.
I don't want no
goddamn almonds.
357
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:40,347
Well, caller,
you on with Trace. Go.
358
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,951
WOMAN: I mean, Sam,
you coming off like a bitch.
359
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,953
Who you calling a bitch?
360
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:47,220
I will kill you!
361
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:48,621
Come down to the station.
362
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,590
Fine. What's the address?
363
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,592
Oh, you don't have Google?
364
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,561
Look it up, you poor-as-shit,
365
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:58,131
no-search-engine-having
hand-job prostitute!
366
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:00,767
I am a one in a generation.
367
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,602
A disrupter.
368
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,804
You know how in that Charlie
Chaplin movie, there's this ho
369
00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:06,273
walking and talking
on a cell phone
370
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:08,708
even though it's 1928?
371
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,543
I'm that future-ass
cell phone ho!
372
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,479
Trace,
373
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,314
I'm out here every day,
374
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,749
changing the face
of everything--
375
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:19,319
music, art,
376
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,088
amusement parks,
377
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:23,790
farm-to-table, claymation,
378
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,258
laser shows...
379
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:28,128
Oh, whoa, careful, man,
that's medicinal.
380
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,798
(East L.A. accent):
They call me Dr. Weed.
381
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:32,799
(laughter)
382
00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:35,902
They call me Dr. Weed...!
383
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,005
Boy, I'm gonna
get you some water.
384
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,440
They call me Dr. Weed, bitch!
385
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:42,642
(others laugh)
386
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:45,678
No way Dorothy
doesn't love this.
387
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:51,451
Hey, come hang out.
388
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,686
Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have gotten so messed up.
389
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,954
It happens. Let's go.
390
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:56,589
I'm so over this party.
I'm sorry.
391
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:59,026
I apologize.
392
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:02,529
From the bottom of my...
393
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,832
Jesus Christ, Edgar,
put those away!
394
00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:09,369
Dr. Weed... is
going to live...
395
00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:11,804
forever!
396
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:14,041
Cannonball!
397
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,042
(shouting)
398
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,211
I only have one thing
to say to you fools,
399
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,647
and it is this:
how dare you?!
400
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,115
You stopped coming
to sessions.
401
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,284
All of my success is for us.
402
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,886
Because unlike you,
I'm loyal as shit.
403
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,188
Then why didn't you show up
404
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:29,656
to Jaclyn's dental school
graduation?
405
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,691
I told you, I don't
like hanging out
406
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:33,193
with those rich USC assholes.
407
00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,562
Your dad is a lawyer for CBS.
(tires screeching)
408
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,335
Which one of y'all is Sam?
409
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,171
Are you that bitch
that called the station?
410
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,206
Oh!
Oh, no!
411
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:47,507
He got that Denzel face.
412
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,376
Size her up, Stain.
413
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,244
Stop it!
Get up, Stain!
414
00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:52,812
Stop it! Aah!
415
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,482
HONEY NUTZ: You got to fight,
Stain! Get up, Stain!
416
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:56,583
Stain!
417
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,418
Oh, I'm sorry.
418
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,721
Oh, I'm ready for you now.
419
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,495
"Can't afford a search engine."
420
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,397
Talk about me.
I got Google.
421
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:11,398
Google that.
422
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:12,499
Song is wack as hell.
423
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,268
Pineapple! Pineapple! (groans)
424
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,039
Run.
Let's go!
425
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,479
(car engine revs)
426
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:30,517
You okay, man?
427
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,352
(tires screeching)
That was crazy.
428
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,287
That little one was
kind of hot though.
429
00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:35,288
(chuckles)
430
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:37,390
SAM:
Guys, I'm sorry.
431
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,392
SHITSTAIN:
Yeah, me, too, man.
432
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,060
HONEY NUTZ:
I'm sorry, too.
433
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:43,263
Take me to my Volt.
434
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,865
(groaning)
435
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,135
HONEY NUTZ: That little
one can swing, man.
436
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:57,577
I mean, who does
Lindsay think she is?
437
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:59,212
She's not even a trained singer.
(cell phone vibrates)
438
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:02,649
I'm the one who was almost
on Kids Incorporated.
439
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:10,123
Ugh, that bitch.
440
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:11,458
I know, right?!
441
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,725
Can't even believe
we're sisters sometimes.
442
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:13,926
(Vernon moans)
443
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:17,964
(sobbing loudly)
444
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,966
Uh, uh, honey?
445
00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,000
Honey?
446
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,670
Honey, if you
could...?
447
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:28,375
We're closed.
448
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,479
Why are your lips all red?
449
00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:34,947
Oh, flavored vodka.
450
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:35,948
Yikes.
451
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:37,317
You want some coffee?
452
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:38,985
Nah.
453
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,187
How about some Scotch?
454
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,054
(chuckles)
455
00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:46,326
Hey, wait, Dor...
456
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,595
Dorothy, wait!
457
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,963
Hey, I didn't do anything
your friends don't do,
458
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:53,333
and you spent seven
years with them.
459
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,335
No, I wasted
seven years on them.
460
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:57,036
I woke up one day
in a rotting Victorian
461
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,005
with three smelly dudes.
462
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:01,007
And then you came along,
a new person,
463
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:04,010
who's honest
and sweet and rare.
464
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:06,012
But you know what, maybe
I just make bad decisions.
465
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:08,215
I mean, I bought a chocolate
fountain-- who does that?
466
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,452
I don't want to be
a bad decision.
467
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,887
I'm 33; I need
my life to move forward.
468
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:17,357
Uh, uh, Jimmy told me
that I shouldn't be...
469
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:18,725
Okay, I should've known.
470
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:20,126
Don't ever listen
to Jimmy's advice about me.
471
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,828
Okay.
472
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:25,232
Do you still like me?
473
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,734
Of course I do.
474
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,902
So much that it sucks.
475
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:44,851
Oh.
476
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,722
That fight really
scared me, Gretch.
477
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,392
Lying in that trash,
478
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:56,563
my life flashed before my eyes.
479
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,030
Dick.
480
00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:01,033
Following Smash Mouth
around Europe.
481
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:03,903
Negative after negative
customer service interaction.
482
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:06,205
Divorce.
483
00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,874
More dick.
484
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,410
I realized I really need
to get my shit together.
485
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:12,612
(sighs)
486
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:17,116
Hey, are you okay?
487
00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:21,020
When I pulled a gun on that
girl, coked out of my face,
488
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,591
I suddenly felt
this strange feeling.
489
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,426
I was bored.
490
00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:31,063
You were bored almost getting
murdered by female gang ladies?
491
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:33,633
That's really messed up,
isn't it?
492
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,303
Yes.
493
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:42,108
This isn't
working anymore.
494
00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:48,981
I'm sorry you don't
feel anything, Gretchen.
495
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:51,918
Me, too.
496
00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:03,162
(laughs)
Okay.
497
00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:05,965
Right, let's play...
498
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:07,600
a hypothetical.
499
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:11,904
All right, so let's say
I was your boyfriend.
500
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,005
Okay.
501
00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:14,474
Could I drink here for free?
502
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:15,842
(scoffs)
Of course.
503
00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:17,344
Could I have my own stool?
504
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,278
Sure.
505
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:22,114
With a plaque
with my name on it.
506
00:21:22,148 --> 00:21:25,084
Wait, in this fantasy, you
get everything you want?
507
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:27,019
Uh-huh.
Free drinks,
your own stool.
508
00:21:27,053 --> 00:21:27,987
Uh-huh.
509
00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:30,089
What do I get?
510
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:33,326
Well, you have to ask
for what you want.
511
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,796
Would you dedicate
your book to me?
512
00:21:37,697 --> 00:21:39,098
Absolutely.
513
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:42,034
Where would
your plaque be?
514
00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:43,336
Well, here.
515
00:21:43,370 --> 00:21:45,171
Where?
516
00:21:45,204 --> 00:21:47,173
Here. Look close.
517
00:21:47,206 --> 00:21:49,509
Can you picture it?
518
00:21:49,542 --> 00:21:52,011
It'll be so beautiful.
519
00:22:01,053 --> 00:22:03,155
I should go.
520
00:22:03,189 --> 00:22:05,358
Yeah.
521
00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:16,736
Night, Nina.
522
00:22:16,769 --> 00:22:18,938
Night, Jimmy.
523
00:22:28,581 --> 00:22:30,750
I forgot one thing.
524
00:22:33,085 --> 00:22:36,423
* Find yourself now
525
00:22:36,456 --> 00:22:39,091
* In the shade
526
00:22:39,125 --> 00:22:41,394
* When there's nothing
527
00:22:41,428 --> 00:22:46,065
* You won't know
that it's too late *
528
00:22:46,098 --> 00:22:49,068
* Find yourself now
529
00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:52,104
* From everyone
530
00:22:52,138 --> 00:22:54,373
* When the time comes
531
00:22:54,407 --> 00:22:57,910
* You can find
what you've become. *
532
00:23:08,621 --> 00:23:11,591
(dog barks)
533
00:23:11,624 --> 00:23:13,760
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
534
00:23:20,933 --> 00:23:22,435
[ Clears Throat ]
535
00:23:28,475 --> 00:23:32,178
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
536
00:23:38,017 --> 00:23:43,389
[ Crowd Cheering,
Applauding ]
537
00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:46,493
When a thoroughbred is retired,
he's put out to stud.
538
00:23:46,526 --> 00:23:49,095
My only regret
is that I cannot inject
my excellence into--
539
00:23:49,128 --> 00:23:50,663
Future generations,
540
00:23:50,697 --> 00:23:53,065
who will know
that I respected
and admired--
541
00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:57,136
Boobs. Boobs do not make you
less of a fantasy player.
542
00:23:57,169 --> 00:24:00,673
I dominated these guys.
I stomped all over their--
543
00:24:00,707 --> 00:24:02,942
Sacks. Touchdowns.
544
00:24:02,975 --> 00:24:05,845
Doesn't matter how you score,
as long as you
leave everything--
545
00:24:05,878 --> 00:24:07,614
In the toilet.
546
00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:10,349
Every year,
my team inevitably
ends up in the crapper.
547
00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:11,951
Sometimes I feel like I--
548
00:24:11,984 --> 00:24:15,121
Smoked everything in sight.
549
00:24:15,154 --> 00:24:17,023
Wait. What were we
talking about?
[ Man ] Eskimo bro!
550
00:24:17,056 --> 00:24:20,159
[ Announcer ]
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
551
00:24:20,192 --> 00:24:22,194
Only on FXX.
552
00:24:25,732 --> 00:24:28,234
(material flapping)
553
00:24:30,036 --> 00:24:34,040
Fargo.
All-new, Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
554
00:24:35,808 --> 00:24:37,677
-This January--
-Yow!
555
00:24:37,710 --> 00:24:39,779
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
556
00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:41,447
-Hoo!
-Ow!
557
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,950
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
558
00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:45,985
-The all new season.
-Yaah!
559
00:24:46,018 --> 00:24:46,853
-(thunderclap)
-Aaah!
560
00:24:46,886 --> 00:24:48,988
Sunny returns January.
561
00:24:49,021 --> 00:24:50,422
Only on FXX.
562
00:24:52,692 --> 00:24:55,227
-MAN:
Hey, lock up your daughters.
-Ugh.
563
00:24:56,829 --> 00:25:00,166
What do I do-do?
Currently I am...
564
00:25:00,199 --> 00:25:02,001
-a temp.
-(screaming)
565
00:25:02,034 --> 00:25:05,237
ANNOUNCER:
Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season, January.
566
00:25:05,271 --> 00:25:07,106
-(screaming)
-On FXX.
567
00:25:08,908 --> 00:25:10,810
-What's your clown name?
-Renoir.
568
00:25:10,843 --> 00:25:13,913
Can't have no clown here
named Renoir. You're Baskets.
569
00:25:13,946 --> 00:25:15,915
-Great.
-You're hired.
570
00:25:15,948 --> 00:25:17,950
I am?
571
00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:20,887
Care for a cup of coffee
before you leave?
No, I'm okay.
572
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:21,954
(slurps)
38247
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