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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,737
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,739
Only on FXX.
3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,677
FXX presents You're the Worst.
4
00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:10,778
[ Man Laughs ]
5
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,216
(indistinct conversations)
6
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,418
*
7
00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:22,823
Two, inside or out.
8
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,558
* Sunday Funday
9
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,260
* Better than a Monday....
10
00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:27,595
No! No!
11
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:28,262
No!
12
00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:29,863
Absolutely not!
13
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:30,898
How dare you?
14
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,766
Ambushing me with
this nonsense again!
15
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:36,270
Do I look like I'm in the mood
for Sunday Funday?
16
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:37,905
Okay, bye.
17
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,207
Oh, no, wait!
18
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,541
Please.
19
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,876
Dorothy's
joining us later,
20
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,746
and it's just really important
she feel accepted.
21
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:46,714
It-it-it...
22
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:49,217
it would mean a lot
to Lindsay, too.
23
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,119
She's living
24
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:52,620
in Vernon's man cave.
25
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,427
Oh, goddamn it.
26
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:02,596
Fine.
27
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,802
Good job.
28
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:11,572
For a second I thought
you forgot this was a set-up.
29
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,808
We'll give Gretchen
a fun Halloween day.
30
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,145
She'll drink.
We'll do my list...
31
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:18,212
Yeah, uh, your list is weird.
32
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:19,280
That's the point.
33
00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:20,581
I tailored the activities
34
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,916
for Gretchen's perverted
and morbid tastes.
35
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:26,120
You just need to pretend
you wrote the list.
36
00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:29,290
There's no way
she'll be able to remain sad
37
00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:31,225
after a day like this.
38
00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:32,860
(chuckles)
39
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:35,996
A toast.
40
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,231
To the best day of the week.
41
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,500
On the best day
of the year!
42
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,502
Spooky Sunday Funday.
43
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,504
Ooh.
(chuckles)
44
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:46,174
(spooky accent):
* Sunday Funday
45
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,642
* Better than a Monday
46
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:51,679
* Can only do it one way
47
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,447
* And that is the drunk way
48
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:56,083
* Sunday Funday
49
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,185
* Better than a Monday
50
00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:58,519
* Can only do it one way
51
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:01,054
* And that is the drunk way!
52
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,529
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
53
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:11,299
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
54
00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:14,034
* Gonna leave you anyway.
55
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,316
Costumes?
56
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,484
God. Seriously?
57
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:33,487
Well, we have to wear costumes,
Gretchen.
58
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,756
It's, uh, on the list.
59
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,862
Oh, sorry, sir.
60
00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:46,166
Paul?
61
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,301
(beeping)
62
00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:49,036
Paul?
63
00:02:49,069 --> 00:02:50,204
COMPUTER VOICE:
Hello.
64
00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:51,372
Nine to sell you.
65
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:53,607
Oh, no, dang it.
66
00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:56,877
Nice to send yogurt.
67
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:59,580
I'm still working out the kinks
on this thing.
68
00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:01,315
Why are you in a wheelchair?
69
00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:03,083
Did Amy do this to you?
70
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,252
I'm Stephen Hawking.
71
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:05,719
The famous cosmologist.
72
00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:08,155
A crippled guy does makeup?
73
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,923
(laughs)
74
00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:12,360
So, you ever
get the power turned back on?
75
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:14,262
No. Someone abandoned me,
76
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,496
so I had to move into Becca's.
77
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:16,930
Oh, Lindsay.
78
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,366
What?
79
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:20,434
Someday you're gonna
have to learn
80
00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:22,670
not to quit
when things gets hard.
81
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,137
I'm not a quitter, Paul.
82
00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:28,208
I'm not!
83
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:29,443
You'll see!
84
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:31,445
COMPUTER VOICE:
I won't hole my bread.
85
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:33,814
Dang it.
86
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,054
(Jimmy laughs)
87
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,256
Oh, my God.
88
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:44,992
Edgar, look what I've
managed to toss together.
89
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,398
Oh. Hey.
90
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:53,601
Hmm?
91
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,770
Heathstead from
Buckle Your Shoes!
92
00:03:56,804 --> 00:03:57,971
Never heard of it.
93
00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,640
It's about an assistant deacon
94
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,275
who sleeps
with the constable's daughter
95
00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:03,477
and is forced to hide out
as a ladies' shoe salesman.
96
00:04:03,511 --> 00:04:05,245
You've never heard of it?
97
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:09,317
(funny voice): These heels
are a bit small, love.
98
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,653
Shall I stretch
them out for ya?
99
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,689
No? Come on.
100
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,999
A doctor costume for ladies?
101
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,335
(scoffs) Fake.
102
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:30,504
Ugh, I can't find anything.
103
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:32,172
You've barely looked.
104
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,241
Oh, no.
105
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,509
He's right.
106
00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,611
Paul said I give up
on things real easy.
107
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:38,812
I don't do that, right?
108
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:40,481
Interior design school,
cardio barre,
109
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:41,782
season two
of House of Cards.
110
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,951
You even quit
Ralph's Reward Club
111
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,353
'cause you couldn't handle
the commitment.
112
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:46,654
What, I'm going to carry
113
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:48,255
one of those shitty
little plastic cards
114
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,057
on my keychain like a poor?
115
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,866
(phone chirps)
116
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:02,536
Phone, how do I turn
on my power?
117
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:04,872
PHONE:
Sex Goddess Lindsay 69,
118
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,206
I found the phone number
119
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:08,609
for Los Angeles Department
of Water and Power.
120
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,710
Would you like me
to dial it for you?
121
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:11,712
This thing never works.
122
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,180
(clears throat)
123
00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:14,615
Hmm?
124
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,183
No idea.
125
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,818
(sighs)
126
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,820
So, you found anything yet?
127
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,889
I'll just wear these wings.
128
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:26,059
You can do better than
"saddest girl at the rave."
129
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:27,728
What about that?
130
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,097
These are fine.
131
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,535
How much to rent that costume?
132
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,737
Uh, 400 a day plus
a thousand-dollar deposit.
133
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,439
Are you insane?
134
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,945
(sighs)
135
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:51,819
I'm kind of nervous.
136
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,354
You understand I'm not actually
inside your head.
137
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:56,590
I haven't had sex
138
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:58,592
(whispering):
in three years.
139
00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,093
(giggles)
140
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,228
What?
141
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,530
Oh, my God!
142
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:03,931
Dorothy's meeting us later and,
143
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,833
well, we've gotten close...
144
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,068
Yeah? How close?
145
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:08,902
Over the bra.
146
00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:10,037
So, not close at all, then.
147
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,439
Please don't tell anyone.
148
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:12,706
Oh, believe me,
I won't tell anyone
149
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:14,542
you still touch girls
over the bra.
150
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,877
That's too embarrassing.
151
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,680
(sighs)
152
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:22,783
* 20s, 50s, 100s,
hundred grand *
153
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:25,453
* 20s, 50s,
100s, hundred grand *
154
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,955
* 20s, 50s, 100s,
hundred grand *
155
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,223
* Pull up to the club,
walking slowly *
156
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,960
* Flash-forward, next saw
this model that know me *
157
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,261
* She was lookin'
158
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:35,629
* And I was lookin'
159
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:36,797
* And we was lookin'
160
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,566
* Together we like 100 grand
161
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:42,002
* All so mature,
all in the mix. *
162
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,141
TOUR GUIDE:
All right, folks.
163
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:50,544
On the third floor
is where, in 1954,
164
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:51,745
former silent film star
165
00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:53,647
Poopsie Carmichael
166
00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:55,082
was killed by Nick O. Donnik,
167
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,150
who went on a rampage,
killing seven
168
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,819
in the building
while they slept.
169
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,320
You might also recognize it
170
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:02,890
from the opening credits
of Better Off Ted!
171
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:06,026
So...
three years, huh?
172
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,629
Does Dorothy know?
173
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:09,830
No, not yet.
174
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,832
I should be honest
and tell her, huh?
175
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,634
Shit no.
(laughter)
176
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,268
Yeah,
I'm not getting on a plane
177
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:18,238
if the pilot just took
three years off flying.
178
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:21,008
Also, can you imagine
the first time?
179
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:23,811
It'd be like... (grunting)
180
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,513
(imitates explosions)
181
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:26,847
(laughter)
182
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,017
So, why did you put
a murder tour on your list?
183
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,018
Pssht!
184
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,953
I'm totally into murder.
185
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,855
I love it so much,
186
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,490
I became a soldier.
187
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,025
You can murder anyone you want.
188
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:39,760
TOUR GUIDE:
And for our final stop,
189
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,328
we'll visit the sight
of the murder
190
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:44,031
of one of hip-hop's
biggest stars.
191
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:44,765
Ooh!
192
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,067
Any guesses?
193
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:54,474
Christopher George
Latore Wallace.
194
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:55,843
Big Poppa.
195
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,711
Who shot you, Biggie?
196
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,479
This is fun, right?
197
00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,114
Yeah.
198
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:03,216
BIGGIE IMPERSONATOR:
And then sometimes
during the service window,
199
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,686
the serviceman comes out,
checks the lines,
200
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:06,787
checks the meters,
201
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,488
lights the pilot light
if need be,
202
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,890
and then you're reconnected.
203
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,224
Sure, but then what happens?
204
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:13,060
What's the next thing
to go wrong
205
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,128
that I won't know how to fix?
206
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:18,899
Hey, mo' money, mo' problems.
207
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,071
That'll be five dollars.
208
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,906
Who shot you, Biggie?
209
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,708
Oh, my God!
210
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,209
T.
211
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,579
U.
212
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:34,948
P.
213
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:38,986
A...
214
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,387
(gasps)
I knew it.
215
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,457
EDGAR:
L.
216
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,694
L?
217
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:47,928
Tupal?
218
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,297
I don't know that fool.
219
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:53,567
(spooky laugh)
220
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:58,271
Oh, what's next, Edgar?
221
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,374
Damn it.
222
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,346
JIMMY: That's a pretty
convincing Baby Spice.
223
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,514
He a'ight.
224
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,784
You wanted to see
a Spice Girls cover band?
225
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:12,519
Yeah.
226
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,021
I love Spice Girls.
227
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:16,957
Name three of their songs.
228
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:20,460
"If You Wanna Be My Lover,"
(scoffs) is one.
229
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:23,230
"You Gotta Get With My
Friends," is another.
230
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:25,198
Oh, and the one where
she raps about slinging
231
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,601
your body down and
winding it all around.
232
00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:29,302
That's all the same song, dummy.
233
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:31,204
Excuse me, sir.
234
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,906
I don't mean to be
too forward,
235
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,541
but you've caught me
with your Hook.
236
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,777
You're at the top
of my Schindler's List.
237
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:37,978
My loins are
238
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,780
Terminally Always
239
00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:41,314
The Color Purple for you.
240
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:44,217
So please open your Jaws
and make out with me.
241
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,485
Munich.
242
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,892
Guys, it's Dorothy!
243
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,628
Oh, finally.
244
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:56,997
I'm sure someone entrenched
in the comedy world
245
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,832
will know what my costume is.
246
00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:00,400
Hmm?
247
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,401
Drop Dead Fred?
248
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,003
Century 21 salesman
of the month?
249
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,504
The bassist for The
Mighty Mighty Bosstones?
250
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,173
Gay Wolverine.
(laughs)
251
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:09,977
Like anyone knows
who Edgar's supposed to be.
252
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:13,313
The Situation from
The Jersey Shore...
253
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:14,915
...seven years later
than relevant.
254
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,183
Sorry, honey.
255
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,118
I still want to
smooch on you though.
256
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,420
EDGAR:
Uh, yeah, um...
257
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,354
we're in public.
258
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,423
Oh, fine.
Well, then later.
259
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,624
(growls)
260
00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:26,193
(growls)
261
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,697
Ooh! I'm want to Vine
those motorcycles.
262
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,464
(clicks tongue)
263
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:35,468
Wow.
264
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:37,604
Looks like that dry spell
is about to end.
265
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,207
Try not to blow a hole
through her back.
266
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,475
I like Dorothy so much,
267
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:45,879
but I'm scared that if we
go past a certain point,
268
00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:47,881
I'll have to tell her
about my problems,
269
00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:50,250
and I'm just not ready.
270
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:52,786
Who gives a shit
if you're ready.
271
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:55,055
Three years worth
of backed-up jizz
272
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,656
in your balls is not healthy.
273
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,391
Yeah, but it's not
about the jizz in my balls.
274
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:01,028
It's about the jizz
in my brain and in my heart.
275
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:03,463
The jizz in my heart, Jimmy.
276
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,765
Can we go home now?
277
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,001
(clears throat)
278
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:11,338
Uh, actually, Gretchen,
there's one more stop.
279
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:12,672
Ah.
280
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:13,741
The grand finale.
281
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,308
The grand finale?
282
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,310
Yeah, it's Italian
for "big final."
283
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:20,213
No, I... Never mind.
What is it?
284
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,189
MAN:
Smile for the camera, maggot.
285
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:35,095
Okay.
286
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,765
There is no exiting once
you go through those doors.
287
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,266
There is
no safeword.
288
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,334
There are no rules.
289
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,369
(chuckles)
290
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,937
Acknowledge!
291
00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:46,139
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, sir.
Okay.
Okay.
292
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:57,250
(door creaks shut)
293
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,422
This isn't so scary.
294
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,394
(thrash metal playing,
all screaming)
295
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:17,637
(screams)
296
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:20,908
(screaming)
297
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:23,143
*
298
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,578
(screaming)
299
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:26,914
(Jimmy sobbing)
300
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:30,550
(screaming)
301
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,752
I want to go home.
302
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:34,054
(roars)
303
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,589
(woman cackling)
304
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:37,991
Right.
305
00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:40,160
I'd prefer not to
interact with a mouse.
306
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,628
WOMAN:
Shut up, maggot!
307
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:44,131
This mouse is going to eat
your ugly pussy face.
308
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,165
Then he'll burrow
down your throat
309
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:46,733
and eat your
gory heart.
310
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,401
Then he'll chew through your
intestines until he goddamn
311
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,337
chews his way out
of your asshole
(laughing)
312
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:52,505
so all of your bloody,
gory, chewed-out intestines
313
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:54,307
flop out of your
body onto the floor
314
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,076
like a shitty garden hose!
315
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,077
GRETCHEN:
Oh, no, Jimmy!
316
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,813
You're so screwed!
317
00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:02,715
(screaming)
318
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,753
(screaming continues)
319
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,221
Whoa!
320
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,392
This sucks.
321
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,996
(whimpering)
322
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:18,698
(crying):
Why are you doing this to us?
323
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,633
(sobs)
324
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:23,470
Why is this happening?
325
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:24,471
(growls)
326
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:25,839
(screams)
327
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:27,507
Ah!
328
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,113
(screams)
329
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,548
*
330
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:38,919
(screams)
331
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,489
(screams)
332
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,125
Is that all
you pussies got!?
333
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,894
Ha-ha! Jimmy!
334
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,228
What's going on, guys?
335
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:49,662
What are you
doing here?
336
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,331
I'm a horror house nerd
from way back.
337
00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:53,233
After this, I'm heading
to another one in Sylmar.
338
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:55,335
They've got a real,
live Babadook.
339
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,470
(snarling)
You guys should totally...!
340
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,606
(laughing)
341
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:03,944
Ah...
342
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:07,180
You good?
343
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,248
I'm great!
344
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:09,883
This place is nuts!
345
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:13,720
(panting):
You guys probably shouldn't
sit on that couch.
346
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,724
(screaming)
347
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:21,828
(water dripping)
LINDSAY: Hello?
348
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,463
Hello?
349
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:26,633
Hello?
350
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:29,169
Oh, my God.
351
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,771
Where am I?
352
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:33,840
Help me!
353
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:37,410
(freaky voice):
No one can help you, Lindsay.
354
00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:40,047
You're all alone now!
355
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,949
How did you know my name?!
356
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,283
Shh.
357
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,953
I don't like the taste
of fear in my meat.
358
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:48,021
(screaming)
359
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:50,290
(mocking scream)
360
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,225
(screaming)
361
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,127
(growling)
362
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:56,829
(crying)
363
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,802
Um...
364
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:04,904
What are you doing?
365
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,139
LINDSAY:
What I always do.
366
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:08,475
I'm giving up.
367
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:09,576
Um...
368
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:10,810
Good!
369
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:13,480
It'll make it easier
for me to rip open your flesh
370
00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:15,615
and make a cape from your skin.
371
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:17,817
I'll probably make
a shitty cape!
372
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,553
Just like I'm a shitty wife.
373
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,956
Just like
I'm a shitty homeowner.
374
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:25,959
I can't even turn my power on.
375
00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:27,594
How pathetic is that?
376
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:33,433
Have you tried calling
customer service?
377
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,370
(thrash metal playing)
378
00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:52,019
(screaming)
379
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,253
No. No!
380
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,055
(laughing maniacally)
No! No!
381
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,329
(maniacal laughter
continues)
382
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,135
Oh, hell yeah!
383
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,502
Ha-ha!
384
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:13,040
Our Father, Who art in heaven,
385
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,108
hallowed be Thy name...
386
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:16,776
(shrieking, sobbing)
387
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:17,777
Oh, damn!
388
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,446
(panting)
389
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,014
This is almost
over, right?
390
00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:22,215
You'll be fine.
391
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:23,350
Just breathe.
392
00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,018
(inhales deeply)
393
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:30,057
See?
394
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,092
(growling)
(yells)
395
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,794
DOROTHY:
Oh, my God.
396
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,063
Stop!
397
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:37,397
Stop!
398
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,832
Edgar, stop!
399
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:42,235
I'm telling!
400
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:44,637
I have to tell you something.
Okay.
401
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:47,974
I have... residual issues
402
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,409
from...
403
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,312
I'm sorry I never told you.
404
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:55,248
I'm honored that you
trust me enough to tell me.
405
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:58,017
Also, I haven't had sex
in three years.
406
00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,887
Is that why you keep
touching me over the bra?
407
00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:03,956
Three years, huh?
408
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:14,167
(distant screaming,
monster roaring)
409
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,868
This whole thing is derivative.
410
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:16,836
It's homage.
411
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,871
Face it, horror
films are legacy.
412
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:20,407
Forget about movies.
413
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,376
This is the golden age
of television. TV owns.
414
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:24,377
(laughs)
415
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:27,046
(rattling)
416
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,116
(moaning)
417
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:34,621
Ah... ah...
418
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,226
Hey, we all get overwhelmed.
419
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,560
If a problem seems too big,
420
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,395
try breaking it up
into smaller chunks.
421
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:43,696
It's called chunking.
422
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,932
There's a really great
TED talk about it.
423
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:47,767
Huh.
424
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:48,801
"Chunking"?
425
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:50,069
Okay, you ready?
426
00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:51,471
Now, when the voice comes on
427
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:52,872
and asks you what you want,
428
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:53,973
you say "operator."
429
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,942
Then they'll do this thing
where they say,
430
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:58,245
"While you wait, what is
the nature of your problem?"
431
00:17:58,278 --> 00:17:59,479
That's a trick.
432
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,080
Just say "operator" again.
433
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,682
You want me to dial for you?
434
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:05,585
No.
435
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,322
I can do it myself.
436
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:12,592
Attagirl.
437
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:27,073
They weren't kidding
about that no rules thing.
438
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,576
That-that little girl
with her arms on backwards
439
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,344
straight-up bit my tit.
440
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:32,512
That was so much fun!
441
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,747
I knew it would work.
442
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,683
What would?
This whole day.
443
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,585
To whack you out of your funk.
444
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,119
I made you think
it was Edgar's idea,
445
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:41,454
but it was mine.
446
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:42,922
Goddamn it, Jimmy!
447
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:43,856
I knew it!
448
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:45,458
I mean... no, I didn't know it,
449
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:46,459
but I knew it!
450
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:47,927
Wait, you...
451
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,796
you're mad at me because
you had a good time?
No!
452
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:52,532
I am mad at you because
you think you can fix me!
453
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:54,601
You can't fix me, Jimmy.
454
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,336
I don't need to be fixed.
455
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:57,704
Wow.
456
00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,872
Well...
457
00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:03,042
I'm sorry I tried to give you
a nice day.
458
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:04,744
What an asshole.
459
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,227
Where's Jimmy?
460
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:21,461
He left.
461
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:22,629
He's trying to fix me.
462
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,831
Of course he is,
he's Jimmy.
463
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,866
He's not gonna stop,
you know.
464
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:31,671
Unless...
465
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:34,674
he thinks he fixed me already.
466
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,576
(indistinct chatter)
467
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:39,011
WOMAN:
That's a great Heathstead.
468
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:41,648
What?
469
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,082
WOMAN:
Your costume.
470
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:46,052
Heathstead, from
Buckle Your Shoes, right?
471
00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:48,921
Yeah.
472
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:51,424
No one has gotten
it all day.
473
00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:53,159
Seriously?
474
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,728
Remember when Maggie Cornelia
has the bunion?
475
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:58,265
But he can't tell her,
476
00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,567
because she's redoing her will.
477
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,202
And the dog?
And the dog, yeah!
478
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:04,271
(laughing)
479
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:06,839
Ah...
480
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:07,674
Rough day?
481
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,743
Oh, yeah. Halloween.
482
00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:12,345
It's a stupid holiday.
483
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:13,713
I like it.
484
00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:16,082
It's good for business.
485
00:20:16,115 --> 00:20:17,384
Speaking of which,
486
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:18,718
I should probably
get back in there.
487
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:20,287
Don't want to
piss off the boss.
488
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,821
Ah, she's a pushover.
489
00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:24,457
It's my bar.
490
00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:26,192
I'm Nina.
491
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,694
Keune.
492
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:31,364
I've been serving you
for the last... few months.
493
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:33,600
Oh. Sorry, I...
494
00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:35,034
I don't remember people.
495
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,036
That's okay.
496
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,639
Hey, maybe I'll, uh, come join
you when things cool down.
497
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:40,973
We need
to talk about
498
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,310
when Iolanthe left Crumpleton
for London.
499
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:48,214
(posh accent):
She always did refuse
to accept her station.
500
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,182
(laughs)
501
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:06,399
You were right!
502
00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:07,834
It's crazy,
503
00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:09,669
but I feel like
a whole new person.
504
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:13,005
I guess all I needed was
a fun day doing things I liked.
505
00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:14,574
Well, then.
506
00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:17,176
Wow, that's... that's great.
507
00:21:17,209 --> 00:21:18,511
Yes, it is.
508
00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:20,380
Smart, smart man.
509
00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:23,082
How'd you know
I was coming?
510
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:26,386
Oh, I just had a feeling
everything would work out.
511
00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:36,529
Oh, my God, the guy
coming out of the tub.
512
00:21:36,563 --> 00:21:38,531
And the guy with the...
513
00:21:38,565 --> 00:21:40,199
Helen Keller thing?
(chuckles)
514
00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:42,369
(laughing)
515
00:21:43,570 --> 00:21:45,472
KID:
Oh, she's coming!
516
00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:46,506
Let's go!
517
00:21:46,539 --> 00:21:48,207
Go, go! Go!
Go!
518
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,342
Go, go!
519
00:21:49,376 --> 00:21:50,710
Come on, man!
520
00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:57,417
*
521
00:22:02,555 --> 00:22:05,492
(sighs)
522
00:22:05,525 --> 00:22:08,728
(alarm beeping)
523
00:22:08,761 --> 00:22:11,163
(TV playing football game,
alarm beeping)
524
00:22:17,404 --> 00:22:20,773
(whirring, alarm beeping,
TV playing in distance)
525
00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:26,979
* We...
526
00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:28,347
* Never got control
527
00:22:28,381 --> 00:22:30,082
* Lost the whole damn world
528
00:22:30,116 --> 00:22:35,922
* Lie... like a pair of dice
529
00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:41,160
* Us just a pair of dice
530
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:44,263
* Us just
531
00:22:44,296 --> 00:22:48,334
* A pair of dice
532
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,971
* Us just...
533
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,575
(dog barks)
534
00:22:55,608 --> 00:22:58,445
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
535
00:23:05,585 --> 00:23:09,055
You're the Worst.
All new, Wednesday at 10:30.
536
00:23:09,088 --> 00:23:10,289
On FXX.
537
00:23:12,158 --> 00:23:15,795
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Applause ]
538
00:23:15,828 --> 00:23:19,065
I would like to dedicate
this induction to my
number-one draft pick,
539
00:23:19,098 --> 00:23:21,133
year in and year out.
540
00:23:21,167 --> 00:23:24,637
Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.,
541
00:23:24,671 --> 00:23:26,806
who, like me,
542
00:23:26,839 --> 00:23:29,909
has spontaneous
and amazing facial hair...
543
00:23:29,942 --> 00:23:32,445
and the support
of a superhot wife.
544
00:23:32,479 --> 00:23:34,180
Love you, Sofia.
545
00:23:34,847 --> 00:23:36,449
Love you, Gisele.
546
00:23:36,483 --> 00:23:39,251
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
547
00:23:39,285 --> 00:23:41,420
Only on FXX.
548
00:23:43,823 --> 00:23:46,325
(material flapping)
549
00:23:48,127 --> 00:23:52,331
Fargo.
All-new, Mondays at 10:00 on FX.
550
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,434
-This January--
-(cackling)
551
00:23:55,468 --> 00:23:57,403
-(laughs)
-Sunny is back--
552
00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:59,138
-(giggling)
-(laughing)
-Ha-ha-ha!
553
00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:02,775
-for an all new season.
-(high-pitched laughing)
554
00:24:02,809 --> 00:24:05,011
(mock high-pitched
laughing)
555
00:24:05,044 --> 00:24:07,279
It's Sunny. Premieres January.
556
00:24:07,313 --> 00:24:08,548
Only on FXX.
557
00:24:09,816 --> 00:24:11,684
Who are you guys?
558
00:24:11,718 --> 00:24:13,553
-(together) We have come
to have sex with you.
-Holy--
559
00:24:15,354 --> 00:24:17,524
What are you
looking for exactly?
560
00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:21,628
(screams)
561
00:24:23,563 --> 00:24:25,632
Why not get
surgically conjoined?
562
00:24:25,665 --> 00:24:29,569
Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season
January on FXX.
563
00:24:30,837 --> 00:24:32,705
-MAN (on speaker):
Welcome to ¡Que Ricos!
-Tangerine Fanta, please.
564
00:24:32,739 --> 00:24:35,107
-We do not have that.
-Pepsi Lime.
565
00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:36,976
-We have Coke.
-New or Classic?
566
00:24:37,009 --> 00:24:39,612
-Just regular Coke.
-Okay. Schweppes then.
567
00:24:39,646 --> 00:24:41,147
Did you say "Schweppes"?
568
00:24:41,180 --> 00:24:42,882
Schweppes!
Schweppes!
569
00:24:42,915 --> 00:24:46,753
- Sorry. I heard two people.
- Schweppes! I said Schweppes!
570
00:24:48,220 --> 00:24:49,756
MAN (on speaker):
Don't have it.
36507
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