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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,737
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,806
Only on FXX.
3
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:10,644
FXX presents You're the Worst.
4
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:11,812
[ Man Laughs ]
5
00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:22,056
(loud, rhythmic whirring)
6
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,593
Excuse me!
7
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,595
Excuse me!
8
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,430
Oh, sorry, Jimmy.
Got to protein-load.
9
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:33,033
Today in improv class,
we're finally doing Harolds.
10
00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:34,602
Anyway, I really
like my instructor.
11
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,737
And after what
happened with Lindsay,
12
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,940
I think I'm finally ready to
let love into my life again.
13
00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:42,376
You've never had love
in your life.
14
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:43,877
That's why I need to come up
with an excuse
15
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,613
to see Dorothy after class.
16
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:49,450
So, I was thinking, after
Stretch and Share, I neg her
17
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:50,784
and tell her
she looks winded
18
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:52,720
and that she should sign up
for my gym, and that...
19
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,088
Edgar, as always,
you're overthinking it.
20
00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:56,190
For once in your life,
just keep it simple.
21
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:57,625
You mean just ask her out?
No.
22
00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:59,560
Get her hammered
and finger-bang her in your car.
23
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,962
Hmm. Maybe I should
be more direct.
24
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:04,532
I mean, with Lindsay, I
got friend-zoned for life.
25
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,535
One time, she texted me,
"Yo, girl, want to get brunch?"
26
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,470
Have you noticed
something's up with Gretchen?
27
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:11,705
You mean how she's been sneaking
out in the middle of the night?
28
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,874
You knew?
29
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,876
Morning.
30
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,578
How-how'd you sleep?
31
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,313
Fine.
Okay, good.
32
00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:21,048
Why?
33
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,317
Nothing. You just
look a little tired.
34
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,253
Cool. Thanks.
35
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,954
Your dick's a weird color.
36
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:29,223
Catch up again tomorrow?
37
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,325
I got to go shower.
38
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,827
Sam released
Shitstain's chinchilla
39
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,229
into Griffith Park.
40
00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:36,830
This feud's out of control.
41
00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:42,102
Why don't you just ask Gretchen
where she's been going at night?
42
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:44,505
Poor, ignorant Edgar.
43
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,840
You don't just drop
your accusation on a perp
44
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,109
without gathering proper
forensic evidence first,
45
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,579
or they're likely to blow.
46
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,681
NCIS: LA.
47
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,716
Ah.
48
00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:09,263
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
49
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:12,032
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
50
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:15,369
* Gonna leave you anyway.
51
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,242
(birds singing)
52
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,112
(clicking)
53
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,480
Ugh.
54
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,048
Bulbs.
55
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,886
Get hot!
56
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,723
My toast is still bread, Paul!
57
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:36,957
What's happening?!
58
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,392
Have you been paying
the utilities?
59
00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:39,660
You need to come help me.
60
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,562
Why haven't you cashed
any of the checks I sent?
61
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:42,730
Cash a check?!
62
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,565
Who am I, Lee Iacocca?
63
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:49,270
Well... I guess I could cover
your bills this month.
64
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:55,909
Lindsay, I'm sorry
to hear about your power,
65
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,845
but it isn't my problem anymore.
66
00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,012
(phone beeps off)
67
00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:01,014
Hello?
68
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:03,050
Paul?
69
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:07,755
In a long-term relationship,
hurt feelings are inevitable.
70
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:11,191
The trick is being able
to communicate that hurt
71
00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:13,093
appropriately and
constructively.
72
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,062
Are you guys sure
you want me here?
73
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,330
Yeah, bitch!
74
00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,532
This whole feud
was your idea.
This feud
75
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:19,933
was not my idea.
76
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:21,735
The fake feud was my idea,
77
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:23,871
and only for crass,
commercial reasons.
78
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:26,274
Okay, just to be clear,
you started
79
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:28,942
a real feud
which then became a fake feud,
80
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:30,944
which has now become
a real feud again
81
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:34,882
because the resultant "dis
tracks" have become hurtful?
82
00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:35,949
SHITSTAIN:
On this last one,
83
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:38,118
Sam called me
the black John Turturro.
84
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,354
He called me
"skinny fat."
85
00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:43,123
Y'all told Fire 103
I let a dude suck my dick!
86
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:45,793
You d let a dude
suck your dick.
GRETCHEN:
Guys.
87
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,528
Remember, we're just
pretending to be mad.
88
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,797
You guys still need
to be working on new music
89
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,399
for when we stage
the big reunion!
90
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:52,566
SAM:
Bitch,
91
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,234
I'm going solo.
92
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,637
I could take a dookie
that would chart higher
93
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:59,807
than anything I ever did
with Crustache over here
94
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,209
and Mr. 800-On-His-SATs.
95
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,445
I told you that
in confidence.
Whatever.
96
00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,614
Forget you tricks! I'm done.
97
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:10,884
(door opens, closes)
98
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,253
May I use
the remaining time
99
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,689
to talk about
my parents' divorce?
100
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,326
Dad, I told you
101
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,794
that we'd have a great time
at the museum.
102
00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,896
Yeah, but where were
all these boobs at?!
103
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,499
(laughter)
And blackout!
104
00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:28,769
(applause)
Great class, you guys!
Really good today.
105
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:30,338
Good class.
Good class.
106
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,272
Good work.
107
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:38,846
Hey.
Hey.
108
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,448
Um, so listen.
109
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,816
I think you're funny and cute,
and I'd like to take you out
110
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,352
on a date with me
for-for a date.
111
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,687
Is this a bit?
112
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:50,658
I don't think so, but I'm still
not 100% sure what a bit is.
113
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,360
Wait, are you asking
me on a date?
114
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,362
No. (laughs) Phsh.
115
00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:57,365
Uh, you want to get drunk
and hang out in my car?
116
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,166
No. Please don't
take it back.
117
00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:02,035
Uh... you know guys
don't do that, right?
118
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:03,937
At least not
comedy guys.
119
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:06,139
I mean, I might get a text
that's like, "You up?"
120
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:08,275
That's how comedy dudes
ask you out. They joke.
121
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,710
Like, "Wouldn't
it be so funny
122
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:11,779
if you came over and
were sucking my dick?"
123
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,013
And then, next
thing you know,
124
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,382
you've joked yourself
into sucking their dick.
125
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:17,050
Uh, so, is-is that a no?
126
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:20,020
No! You just broke my
brain a little bit. Yes.
127
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,923
Uh, you want to go
somewhere right now?
128
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,399
(slurping loudly)
129
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,233
(sighs)
130
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,135
Thanks again for picking me up.
131
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,904
How is a person supposed to know
132
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:38,906
they have to put oil
in their car?
133
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,308
There's a little oil can light
on your dashboard.
134
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,811
Paul took care
of all that garbage.
135
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,747
And now I don't have power,
I don't have hot water,
136
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,816
I don't have TV!
137
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,851
I'm like a frontiers woman.
138
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:54,988
I'm like Reese Witherspoon in
that commercial for backpacks.
139
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:59,159
Right. Lindsay, I asked you
to lunch for a reason.
140
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,260
Oh.
141
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:01,595
Gretchen keeps sneaking out
142
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,263
in the middle of the night.
143
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:04,932
Do you know where she's going?
144
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,934
Probably got a side bitch.
145
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,436
(laughs)
146
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:11,104
I don't think
she has a... a side bitch.
Oh, Jimmy.
147
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:13,206
Let me tell you
how relationships work.
148
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,374
You cheat,
149
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:17,344
and then she cheats, and
then, one day you wake up,
150
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,547
and he's gone,
none of your stuff works,
151
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:22,282
and you're having crabby puffs
with some British guy.
152
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,951
I'll give you a ride.
You know what?
153
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:28,489
No. I'm gonna figure out
how to get home on my own.
154
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:30,891
(sighs)
155
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:32,893
That's the kitchen.
156
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,928
(sighs)
157
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,648
(touch tones sounding)
158
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,952
(touch tones sounding)
159
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:03,156
VOICE:
* Ding, ding.
160
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,529
(touch tones sounding)
161
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,468
VOICE:
* Ding, ding.
162
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,041
(touch tones sounding)
163
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:33,020
(birds singing, dog barking)
164
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:35,523
(sighs)
165
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,359
No.
166
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,867
(gasps)
167
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,802
Ah.
168
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,087
(laughs)
169
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:18,866
(sighs)
170
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,233
(sniffs)
171
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,737
Ugh.
172
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:25,773
(sighs)
173
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,211
(sighs)
174
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,219
Ah.
175
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,428
(laughs)
176
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,932
(bicycle bell tinkles)
177
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,789
(baby babbles)
178
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,459
(door opens)
179
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,698
Oh, I've created a monster!
180
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:27,200
Sam just tweeted an
old photo of Shitstain
181
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,937
in his scoliosis brace.
Why are you dressed like that?
182
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:33,807
I was thinking you and I
could go out for a proper drink.
183
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,375
Oh. Okay.
184
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,711
Actually, I heard
about this cool new bar
185
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,079
that's opening
tonight in Hollywood.
186
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:41,715
Cool, new bar in Hollywood?
187
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,216
You like old,
gross bars
188
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,384
in sketchtown.
189
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,386
Edgar might bring
a girl home tonight,
190
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:47,755
so it's probably
in our best interest
191
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,122
to evacuate the premises.
192
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,557
I mean, can you imagine
193
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,225
the nightmarish cacophony
of rage sounds
194
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,494
that will emanate from that
room when he finally enters
195
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,496
a live human woman
after years...
196
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,498
Eject!
197
00:09:58,531 --> 00:09:59,933
New bar it is.
198
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:05,973
It must be so cool to be
on such a long-running team.
199
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,575
Hey, Put That Down,
Brian! is an institution.
200
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:11,344
Honestly, it's hard
being the only girl.
201
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,513
The guys are always
showing me their dicks.
202
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,982
Or worse than that,
their balls.
203
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,149
"Hanging brain,"
they call it.
204
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:17,450
All the guys do that?
205
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:18,952
For my birthday,
they gave me a mug.
206
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,954
It looked like it had
a bunch of inkblots on it.
207
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,455
Turns out, they had gone
to Color Me Mine,
208
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,623
dipped their balls in paint
209
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,025
and tea-bagged the mug
a bunch of times.
210
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,927
That's sexual harassment!
211
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,762
And I should know,
we were trained in that.
212
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:30,931
There's no such thing
as sexual harassment in comedy.
213
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,599
You're just
a "no fun tight-ass,"
214
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,434
and then pretty soon,
you get the tired,
215
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,536
"girls aren't funny" bullshit,
all stemming from the fact
216
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,171
that you didn't want
to bone down
217
00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,539
with some insecure
five-six neckbeard
218
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:42,142
who once had a meeting
with Bob Odenkirk so he thinks
219
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:43,911
he's no longer
a repulsive troll.
220
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:49,783
Look, I'm no expert, but...
221
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:53,721
maybe you should
be more direct
222
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,889
about your feelings
with these guys.
223
00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:58,892
I mean, I was
nervous to tell you
224
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:02,696
how I felt, but...
225
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:06,333
I'm really glad that I did.
226
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:08,335
Yeah?
227
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,370
Me, too.
228
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,219
*
(indistinct chatter)
229
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,989
BARTENDER:
So, what can I get you?
230
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,691
Hmm. What's the
Alpirsbach?
231
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:33,360
That one originates
from Germany,
232
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,328
but we've separated
the hydrogen molecules
233
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,497
and infused them
with lavender.
234
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,499
Yeah, okay. But what's
in it? Is it gin?
235
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,700
This is a water bar.
236
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:41,835
A what now?
237
00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,270
Aechtoeau
238
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:45,739
serves
the finest artisanal water
239
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,941
from around the globe.
240
00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:49,777
Jimmy, what's happening?
241
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:52,345
Yeah, I read a listicle
242
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,281
about the benefits of hydration.
243
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:57,017
I am going to the bathroom,
244
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,185
and when
I get back,
245
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,887
you are going
to take me to a real bar
246
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,555
and feed me cheap whiskey
until I forget about that time
247
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,224
that I stopped being able
to have sex
248
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,859
with my boyfriend
ever again
249
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:09,897
because he took me to a bar
that only served water.
250
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,834
(chuckles)
251
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:23,911
(indistinct chatter)
252
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:33,887
Well, well, well.
253
00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:35,388
Ty Wyland.
254
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,656
Jimmy. Nice to see you.
255
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:38,158
Oh, so that's
how you're gonna play it, is it?
256
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,492
Like the two of
you haven't been
257
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,828
sneaking around in the wee hours
258
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,595
like a goddamn Pinter play?
259
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,364
Who's Pinter?
VOICE:
* Ding, ding.
260
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:59,579
As I was saying,
the-the, um...
261
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,249
the...
Gretchen, hi.
262
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:06,286
Oh. You look
ravishing.
263
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:11,358
Ty. Why...
are you?
264
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:12,459
Oh, this is
my place.
265
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:13,994
Got to say, not surprised.
266
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:16,529
Right. You two catch up.
I'll be back.
267
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:20,467
(chuckles)
268
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,635
Ty, you opened a bar.
269
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,771
Kinda.
Yeah.
270
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,606
Well, not alone.
271
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,775
Adam Levine, Swaggy P,
and I were in Vegas
272
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,978
talking about Maslow's
hierarchy of needs.
273
00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:33,813
Interesting thing,
actually, with that...
274
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,482
(grunts)
275
00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:37,150
Sorry I couldn't be there, babe.
276
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:39,219
I know
it's perineum massage night,
277
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,554
so I made you
this instructional vid.
278
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,823
This'll help what's-his-butt
279
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:46,793
slide right on out. So, first,
280
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,962
it's time to lube those thumbs.
281
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:51,731
Next, you're gonna take
those thumbs
282
00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:54,734
and insert them
about three centimeters.
283
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,970
And I know you can handle it
because your thumbs
284
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,405
are not as big as my dick.
285
00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,907
(laughs)
286
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:00,908
Kidding.
287
00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,575
But, really, they're not.
288
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,811
Now it's time to start
289
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,747
the gentle massaging,
290
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:11,251
round and down. Ready?
291
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:14,587
Round and down.
292
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,489
(knocking)
Good.
293
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,091
Round...
294
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,996
Uh, what the hell
happened to you?
295
00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:26,166
My power got turned off.
Well...
296
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:29,269
(stammers)
I don't know how to do anything.
297
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,438
Well, now,
don't beat yourself up.
298
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,440
It's probably Mom's fault.
299
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,342
Probably.
300
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,378
She did always take
so many more photos of me.
301
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,847
Do you need a place to crash,
302
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,849
huh, until your power
gets turned back on?
303
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:43,850
Yeah?
304
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,519
Yeah.
Come on.
305
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:49,189
(chuckles)
Yeah. The guest room's
a nursery now,
306
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,025
but you... Okay. You can sleep
in Vernon's man cave.
307
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:54,094
He's at the hospital
and I'm going to prenatal yoga,
308
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:57,397
so, eh, the house
should be fairly quiet.
309
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,532
But I'm sure you're used
to the deafening silence
310
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,900
of an empty house by now.
311
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:05,472
(chuckling)
312
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:06,506
Oh.
313
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:10,477
Mmm.
You and I need to talk.
314
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,045
No shit.
315
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:14,914
Your girl's been sending me
banana-ass texts all day.
316
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:16,783
Actually, I sent those messages.
317
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,218
Look, just tell me,
318
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,587
are you her side bitch?
319
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:23,056
What? Hell no!
320
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,992
Bitch eats
floor candy.
321
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:28,095
Ain't seen a foreign film
in a decade.
322
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,963
Do you know why
she has a burner?
323
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,064
Oh, the God phone?
324
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:32,732
I gave her that
because sleepy bitches
325
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,267
don't deserve regular phones.
326
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,169
She didn't tell you
about my clever speech?
327
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,737
Now,
328
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:41,074
I'm gonna go hit up that girl
with the booty jorts over there.
329
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:42,342
Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
330
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,144
She looks hydrated as hell!
331
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:45,245
Yeah.
332
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,813
...and, honestly,
333
00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:48,848
I was thinking
about postponing the whole trip.
334
00:15:48,881 --> 00:15:52,185
The Nepalese government
just put all these restrictions
335
00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:55,422
on Everest because of the whole
human waste pollution.
336
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,790
Talk about a pile of shit,
right?
337
00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,792
Well, that's the problem,
Gretchen.
338
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:01,228
No one does.
339
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:07,467
Hey, isn't that
Christoph Waltz?
340
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,102
Excuse me.
341
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,703
Christoph!
342
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,146
(exhales)
343
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,753
(beeping)
344
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,341
DOROTHY:
This isn't about
forgetting a prop.
345
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:49,509
You guys
never bring props.
346
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:52,179
Uh, I made that big-ass
strawberry last month.
347
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:54,181
Mm-hmm.
348
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,016
I feel...
349
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:59,186
I feel like this group
doesn't respect me.
350
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,353
(scoffing)
JOSH:
What?
351
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:01,888
You guys are always
showing me your balls.
352
00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:03,156
We're just joking around.
Yeah.
353
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,791
It's sexual harassment.
354
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,527
I'm a feminist.
I was raised
355
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,496
by two strong lesbians.
You know
I only use
356
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:10,530
my balls ironically.
Okay,
and besides,
357
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,532
okay, you didn't seem to mind
358
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:15,668
my balls when you were sucking
on 'em for all these years.
Oh.
359
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,170
Boom!
(chuckles)
360
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:19,206
Hey, you want to know why nobody
wants you to direct their shows?
361
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:22,575
Because you're a jerk and
your mise en scène sucks.
362
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:24,577
Oh, so you want to get honest
right now, huh?
363
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,713
Well, honestly, I am clearly
364
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:29,015
the most talented person
in this group,
365
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,717
and, as such,
I am sick and tired
366
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,253
of you guys refusing
to let me do "Baby Undertaker"!
367
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:35,722
"Baby Undertaker"
isn't funny!
368
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:36,889
You isn't funny!
369
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:39,359
You know, I think
it's finally time to admit
370
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:42,429
that Hey, Put That Down,
Brian! is going nowhere,
371
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:44,197
just like all of you guys, okay?
372
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:46,065
So, suck it, double suck it,
373
00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:47,567
you don't get to suck it
anymore.
374
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,437
Tall Nathan
out.
375
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:52,472
For good.
376
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:56,209
Wait. Tall Nathan!
377
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,577
I'm out, too.
378
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,583
Are you okay?
379
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:07,053
I can't believe Tall Nathan
talked to you like that.
380
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,088
Things have been
getting weird.
381
00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:11,791
We've been sleeping
together on and off
for the last seven years.
382
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:13,426
Oh.
383
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,928
I can't believe
the group is done.
384
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:20,633
My God, I wasted all of my 20s
and part of my 30s.
385
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,036
Can I do anything?
386
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:28,775
You could hang out with me
a lot.
387
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:32,379
I suddenly have tons
of free time.
388
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:42,689
Watch your step.
389
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,457
(chuckles)
390
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:46,993
(clattering)
391
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,835
PAUL:
Lindsay?
392
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,439
You found me.
393
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,141
Yeah. What are
you doing here?
394
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,811
I don't know how to do anything.
395
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,346
Hey.
396
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:08,315
(clattering)
397
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:10,983
I'm here.
(sniffling)
398
00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:14,187
Everything's gonna be okay.
Shh.
399
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:16,155
Wh-Whoa.
400
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:19,025
Linds, no.
401
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,027
Look, it's real tempting.
402
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:23,330
Your bazungas are epic stupid.
403
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:25,031
And ever since Becca hit
her second trimest,
404
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,133
she's been
a total cooze.
405
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,135
But I love her,
406
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,339
and I can't do that
to the mother of my child.
407
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,040
(audio distorting)
408
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,181
(normal):
I'm gonna let you
get some sleep.
409
00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:47,887
Wait. Vernon?
410
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,190
Do you think I'm useless?
411
00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:53,025
You might not be useful
in the tradish sense,
412
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:55,395
but you're a good friend.
You make people happy.
413
00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:00,700
Will you hold me?
414
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:03,403
Just for a minute.
415
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,908
(grunts)
416
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:13,045
Linds?
417
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,214
Fine.
418
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:18,084
Honk honk. A-ooga.
419
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:20,720
(both chuckling)
420
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:22,755
(crickets chirping)
421
00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:37,069
(door closes)
422
00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:39,105
*
423
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:56,055
* Time stands still
424
00:20:56,088 --> 00:21:01,394
* Call your name
425
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:06,132
* Fall in love
426
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:18,445
(sniffles, stammers)
427
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:20,613
Jesus Christ.
428
00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:23,483
What are you doing?
Nothing. Just...
429
00:21:23,516 --> 00:21:25,652
(sniffles)
crying in my car.
430
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:26,953
Is it something I did?
431
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:29,155
No.
432
00:21:29,188 --> 00:21:31,791
So you're not... sleeping
with someone else?
433
00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:33,326
No, Jimmy. We're fine.
434
00:21:34,361 --> 00:21:37,296
Right.
435
00:21:37,330 --> 00:21:39,799
So, should I leave you alone
then?
436
00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:41,934
Yeah. Probably.
Okay,
437
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:44,337
well, see you. Uh...
438
00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:47,106
So why'd you bring the phone?
439
00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,108
Oh, I...
440
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:51,478
I like to play Snake
while I cry.
441
00:21:51,511 --> 00:21:52,979
Oh.
442
00:21:53,012 --> 00:21:56,716
Well, that's-that's
a classic game, that.
443
00:22:00,887 --> 00:22:02,889
*
444
00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:10,830
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
445
00:22:10,863 --> 00:22:15,835
* Oh, my,
we're beginning to blue, oh *
446
00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:21,841
* Oh, my, we're beginning
to blue, oh *
447
00:22:21,874 --> 00:22:27,847
* A wild shake
cannot wake us up *
448
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,851
* Do believe that it's done
449
00:22:31,884 --> 00:22:36,889
* Oh, my God, oh, my God...
450
00:22:48,935 --> 00:22:50,437
[ Clears Throat ]
451
00:22:56,375 --> 00:23:00,413
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
452
00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:08,287
[ Crowd Cheering,
Applauding ]
453
00:23:10,923 --> 00:23:14,026
When a thoroughbred is retired,
he's put out to stud.
454
00:23:14,060 --> 00:23:16,596
My only regret
is that I cannot inject
my excellence into--
455
00:23:16,629 --> 00:23:18,197
Future generations,
456
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:20,567
who will know
that I respected
and admired--
457
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:24,637
Boobs. Boobs do not make you
less of a fantasy player.
458
00:23:24,671 --> 00:23:28,207
I dominated these guys.
I stomped all over their--
459
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,443
Sacks. Touchdowns.
460
00:23:30,477 --> 00:23:33,379
Doesn't matter how you score,
as long as you
leave everything--
461
00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,114
In the toilet.
462
00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:37,884
Every year,
my team inevitably
ends up in the crapper.
463
00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:39,452
Sometimes I feel like I--
464
00:23:39,486 --> 00:23:42,622
Smoked everything in sight.
465
00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:44,557
Wait. What were we
talking about?
[ Man ] Eskimo bro!
466
00:23:44,591 --> 00:23:47,660
[ Announcer ]
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
467
00:23:47,694 --> 00:23:50,229
Only on FXX.
468
00:23:52,298 --> 00:23:54,000
(electricity crackling)
469
00:24:00,473 --> 00:24:03,342
American Horror Story: Hotel.
470
00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:06,245
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00
on FX.
471
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,081
-This January--
-(cackling)
472
00:24:09,115 --> 00:24:11,017
-(laughs)
-Sunny is back--
473
00:24:11,050 --> 00:24:12,785
-(giggling)
-(laughing)
-Ha-ha-ha!
474
00:24:12,819 --> 00:24:16,422
-for an all new season.
-(high-pitched laughing)
475
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:18,658
(mock high-pitched
laughing)
476
00:24:18,691 --> 00:24:20,927
It's Sunny. Premieres January.
477
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,261
Only on FXX.
478
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:25,331
Who are you guys?
479
00:24:25,364 --> 00:24:27,199
-(together) We have come
to have sex with you.
-Holy--
480
00:24:29,001 --> 00:24:31,170
What are you
looking for exactly?
481
00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:35,241
(screams)
482
00:24:37,209 --> 00:24:39,278
Why not get
surgically conjoined?
483
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:43,215
Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season
January on FXX.
33480
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