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1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:01,935
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,273
Only on FXX.
3
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:10,644
FXX presents You're the Worst.
4
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:11,745
[ Man Laughs ]
5
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,316
JIMMY:
See, even the greatest writers
6
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,850
have been forced
to take the odd job.
7
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:18,719
Hmm.
Faulkner was a mailman.
8
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:20,154
Kafka, a clerk!
9
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:21,889
Now, as you have said,
10
00:00:21,922 --> 00:00:24,658
the novelization market
is blowing up
11
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:27,995
in a "ginormous" way.
12
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:31,165
So I have prepared
a list of films
13
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:34,735
that I would agree
to novelize for your company.
14
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,104
The Seven Samurai,
15
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,505
The 400 Blows,
16
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,939
Thirty Two Short Films
about Glenn Gould...
17
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:42,210
Uh, Jimmy, we're gonna
stop you right there.
18
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,911
They don't all have
numbers in the title.
19
00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:47,014
We aren't the department
that handles film novelizations.
20
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,849
We're in charge of
literary cross-promotion
21
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:52,052
for all entities owned
by our parent company--
22
00:00:52,086 --> 00:00:53,621
Burger Hole.
23
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,055
What does that mean?
24
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:58,359
We prioritize more
amorphous in-house ideas
25
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,894
sparked by properties in
the Burger Hole multiverse
26
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:03,030
that have the most
mental real estate.
27
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,566
Uh, for instance, uh,
this just came in yesterday.
28
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:08,402
Uh, corporate was thinking
of something involving
29
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,703
French fries?
30
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,038
(chuckles)
31
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,473
Could be a "fish out
of water" thing.
32
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:15,776
Or how about this new theme
park ride-- the Dragonator?
33
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:18,279
It's a dragon with a goddamn
roller coaster for a tail.
34
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,214
(laughs)
35
00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:21,215
Maybe he's a single dad.
36
00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:23,617
I don't know.
37
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:24,885
You're the writer.
38
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,621
Do you have anything
with an actual narrative?
39
00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:30,291
Uh, we do have
some TV projects
40
00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:32,993
that are open
for literary pollination.
41
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,395
Um...
42
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,230
There's, uh, Bones,
43
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,232
Property Brothers,
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
44
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,633
The Slap.
45
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:42,270
There's Caught on Camera
with Nick Cannon,
46
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,505
NCIS: LA,
Dog with a Blog...
47
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,073
Sorry, NCIS: LA?!
48
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,741
You're a fan?
49
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,510
Heard of it.
50
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,412
Oh, who am I kidding?
It's my favorite!
51
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,080
Oh, great!
52
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,915
We'll send start papers
and parameters,
53
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,818
but you will be imagineering
your own original story.
54
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,820
What?!
55
00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:01,322
Here's a copy
of the show bible.
56
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:03,791
Oh, do not need it!
57
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:06,294
But I'll take it.
58
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:16,370
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
59
00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:18,972
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
60
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:21,375
* Gonna leave you anyway.
61
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,848
Sam, I'm sure they meant
62
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:31,519
"soft-ass poseur bitch"
in a meta way.
63
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:33,187
You guys are in a fake fight!
64
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,622
Keyword-- "fake."
65
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,357
No, don't hang...
66
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:37,791
Goddamn it!
67
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,760
(indistinct chatter on TV)
68
00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:43,531
Ooh, I love dumb procedurals.
69
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:44,865
Wash over me, garbage.
70
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:46,200
Numb my brain.
71
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:47,468
Make me feel nothing.
72
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,137
Okay, that is elitism,
Gretchen.
73
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,039
Would you have dismissed
Dickens for being popular?
74
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:54,408
David Copperfield...
didn't even do any magic.
75
00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:56,977
Ooh, ya burnt, Dickens!
76
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:59,913
Why are there so many
naval crimes, anyway?
77
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:01,649
EDGAR:
Oh, Navy's villains.
78
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,050
They're one degree from pirates.
79
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:04,184
Oh.
80
00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:05,419
MAN (over television):
Looks like we need
81
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:06,820
to go discuss this
with the admiral.
82
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:07,921
(childlike voice):
Play with me.
83
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,089
Right!
84
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:10,924
Shut up, both of you!
85
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:13,527
All right?
This is my job now.
86
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:15,696
It's your-your job?
87
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:19,199
Jimmy... you're not
writing recaps, are you?
88
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:20,601
Oh, Jimmy.
89
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:21,735
Are you grading this episode?
90
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:23,271
No!
91
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:26,574
I am writing the official
novelization of the show.
92
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:29,009
Wow! Seriously?
93
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,445
I am super impressed.
94
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:32,613
Right. Everybody out,
95
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:34,415
so I can work.
96
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,450
Out!
97
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:37,618
Fine.
98
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,453
You, too.
Oh, no problem.
99
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:42,523
I've got to get
to my improv comedy class.
100
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,858
And, yeah, I've been
waiting to tell you guys.
101
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,427
It's this really cool
and exciting new thing
102
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:47,928
I'm doing with my life.
103
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:51,565
I'll tell you
more about it later.
104
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,601
Bye, Jimmy.
105
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,675
(door closes)
106
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,348
(smooth jazz music playing)
107
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,735
(line ringing)
108
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,638
WOMAN: Hello?
This is customer number 7532.
109
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:33,073
I don't know
how much time I have.
110
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:36,777
Send over one of the tall ones.
111
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,046
Asian.
112
00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:47,421
Oh, my God!
113
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:48,922
What is this?!
114
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,023
Why is this?!
115
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:51,359
I thought you'd gone.
116
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,961
I forgot my fro-yo punch card.
117
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,429
What is this, even?
118
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:57,431
None of your business!
119
00:04:57,465 --> 00:04:59,032
Oh...
120
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,201
Erotic Tales?
121
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:06,540
"By Jimmy Shive-Overly,
122
00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:08,842
age 11"?!
123
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,077
Still holds up.
124
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:15,248
This is the most Jimmy
thing you have ever done.
125
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:33,767
(clears his throat)
126
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,538
(smooth jazz playing)
127
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:48,816
(all buzzing)
128
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,484
EDGAR:
Excuse me, sir?
129
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:52,653
You may be a dog,
130
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,488
but that doesn't
make you handicapped.
131
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:55,823
(laughter)
132
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:56,990
And scene!
133
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,058
Great callback, Edgar.
134
00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,993
Awesome class, you guys.
135
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,829
Good work.
136
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,664
Good work.
137
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,433
Oh, and hey, you guys.
138
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,401
My group
Hey, Put That Down Brian!
139
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:10,504
has a show tomorrow night,
so, you guys, please come.
140
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:11,739
Just kidding,
don't come, don't come.
141
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:12,840
I don't want you to come.
142
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,107
Seriously, though,
if you don't come,
143
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,108
I'll kill myself, so
144
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,277
please come.
145
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:20,013
Bye, guys!
Thank you.
146
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:22,049
Uh, so, so,
uh, Dorothy,
147
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,684
you're in Brian?!
148
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:24,918
I didn't know they had a girl.
149
00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:26,053
Yeah, yeah, that's me.
150
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,021
The lone vulva.
151
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,523
That's the team
with Tall Nathan, right?
152
00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:30,691
Yeah, and Kyle and Josh.
153
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,025
You know them?
154
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,594
Nah, I only met
Tall Nathan once.
155
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:34,928
But I'm a huge fan.
156
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,864
In one scene he played a dude
157
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,366
that doesn't understand sarcasm.
158
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,401
So funny.
159
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:44,137
Yeah.
160
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:45,973
You want to help me
pick up the chairs?
161
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,575
Absolutely.
162
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:48,509
Cool.
163
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,881
That's really great space work.
164
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,916
Um, I meant the actual chairs.
165
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:58,586
Ah, of course you did.
166
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,888
(quietly):
Stupid.
167
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,490
LINDSAY:
How's work?
168
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,725
Are you still in charge
of that fake rap feud?
169
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,560
Ugh, it's gone completely
off the rails.
170
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:07,895
Honey Nutz and Shitstain
171
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,631
wrote a dis track about
how Sam has pepperoni nipples,
172
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:14,568
so he told his fans to murder
them in World of Warcraft.
173
00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:16,470
What have you been up to?
Not a lot.
174
00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:18,105
Little of this,
little of that.
175
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,407
Shot a condom full
176
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,810
of piping hot semen into my vaj.
177
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,612
How's the cake batter?
178
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:25,979
First of all, are you okay?!
179
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,414
I'm fine.
180
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,583
I mean, I won't be riding
a horse anytime soon.
181
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:32,419
But I'm already banned
from the equestrian center.
182
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,922
And secondly, what?!
Why?!
183
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,990
I was just so upset about Paul.
184
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,425
And the idea
of him shoving
185
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,995
his ding dong into that
beer cooze's hand-pussy.
186
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,832
And Edgar's been so weird
and clingy lately.
187
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,767
It's like I can't
think straight
188
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,969
with these guys
clogging up my brain!
189
00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:55,475
GRETCHEN:
Seriously.
190
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:58,612
I spend all day dealing
with my dumb rapper babies.
191
00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:00,313
And when I get home,
there's Jimmy and Edgar.
192
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,315
And then the one chance I get
to sneak away for a quick hang
193
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:03,617
with the Louise to my Thelma...
194
00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:04,952
Who are they?
195
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,687
And all we talk about is men!
I know!
196
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,489
We are complex women
with rich inner lives.
197
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:11,224
For God's sakes,
let's act like it
198
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:12,492
and discuss something
other than dicks
199
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,294
and the dildos
they hang off of.
200
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,530
I'm in.
201
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:22,803
So...
202
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,138
So...
203
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,207
(gasps)
I know.
204
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,310
There was just this really
grody murder in Alabama
205
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,680
where this woman thought
her kids were demons,
206
00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:35,482
so she drowned all eight
of them and dressed them up
207
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,817
like Victorian dolls.
208
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,887
Ugh! Postpartum murders
are so basic.
209
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,488
Maybe we can talk
about powerful women?
210
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,057
(gasps)
Like George Clooney's wife,
Amal Clooney?
211
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:47,227
She's both super accomplished
and absolutely stunning.
212
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,261
She a'ight.
213
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,665
I guess we can shit-talk
women we know.
214
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,400
That's within the rules, right?
Ooh, we can?!
215
00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:54,902
Like Becca?
216
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,536
Ugh, that sausage wallet.
217
00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,105
Sausage wallet?
I hope
218
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,174
she gets pregnancy 'rhoids
and they leave her bedridden,
219
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,876
and I have
to raise her baby myself.
220
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,111
I'd parent the
shit out of her.
221
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:07,948
"Wear that skirt.
Don't blow that boy.
222
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,183
This is pizza!"
223
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,719
Time-out!
Who are we?
224
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,086
We can't talk about men,
225
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,188
so we're talking about babies,
living and dead?
226
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,390
Weak sauce. We can do
better than this!
227
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,126
Oh, you're right.
228
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:22,730
Men have ruined our damn minds!
229
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:28,268
Tomorrow we'll meet up
for breakfast
230
00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:30,871
with prepared lists
of interesting, non-dude topics.
231
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,005
Yes!
232
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,475
This is feminism, right?
233
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,477
Yes, it is.
234
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,079
(punching card)
235
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:51,158
You guys can't come in here
anymore.
236
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:52,492
EDGAR:
Morning.
237
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,227
How's it going?
Not great.
238
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:57,264
There are so many moving
parts to the NCIS universe.
239
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,232
It's quite
daunting, really.
240
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,902
(Edgar laughs)
241
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,737
I'm sorry.
242
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,438
I was thinking
about something funny
243
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,240
that happened in improv class.
244
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:10,944
We were all driving cars,
and I said, "Excuse me, sir,
245
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,280
you may be a dog, but you're not
handicapped, are you?"
246
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,282
(laughs)
247
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,417
It was a callback.
248
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,019
If you're interested
in watching some,
249
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:20,453
I stuck the calendar
on the fridge.
250
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:23,590
In fact, I'm going to my teacher
Dorothy's show tonight.
251
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,793
She's in Hey,
Put That Down Brian!
Ah.
252
00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:28,161
You should come.
Oh, that sounds
really, really fun,
253
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,798
but you know what I
think I'd rather do?
254
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:33,000
Hmm?
Stab myself in the bowels.
255
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:34,634
Okay.
Do you know what I'd
rather experience
256
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,770
than long-form improv?
257
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:38,205
Long-form bone cancer.
258
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,207
Point taken.
No, I don't think it is.
259
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,776
See, you just described an
improvised comedy scene to me.
260
00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:44,377
That's worse than
telling someone
261
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:47,214
about a dream that
doesn't feature them sexually.
262
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,282
I mean, you've had some
awful, awful hobbies,
263
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,018
but this is by far the worst.
264
00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,720
And I'm including heroin
265
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,321
and not knowing things
are a school.
266
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:56,924
I didn't know it was a school.
267
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:01,729
(sighs)
268
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,396
(door bells tinkle)
269
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:07,134
All right, Lindsers,
I have here a list of things
270
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,838
to talk about, none of which
involve stupid men.
271
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,840
First off, "Our mothers
and how their pathology
272
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,742
messed us up."
Maybe it's all their fault.
273
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,043
Yeah. Sure.
274
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:18,211
But what about "Icees."
275
00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:21,648
Icees? Oh, I don't think
they have those here.
276
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,516
I'm talking about
the Islamic State, Gretch.
277
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:26,219
They formed their
own "cellophane."
278
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:29,189
Do you think Obama has a
strategy to neutralize them,
279
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:32,325
or will O-Bummer betray America
like he did with Benghazi?
280
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,427
What the hell's going on?
281
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:37,097
You told me not to
think about dicks,
282
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:38,598
so my brain
got real bored
283
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:40,333
and I started reading
these Web sites,
284
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,835
and then some
other Web sites
285
00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,503
that disagreed with
the first Web sites.
286
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:47,340
(gasps) Did you know
about global warming?
287
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,509
It's a huge threat,
but at the same time
288
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,511
is made up by a bunch
of socialist lib-tards.
289
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,246
My question is,
who benefits?
290
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,348
You have to follow
the money, Gretch.
291
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,017
Big oil, the Middle East.
292
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,551
(snaps fingers)
Benghazi!
293
00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:00,053
I don't want to talk
about Benghazi.
294
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:02,022
Nobody does!
And the Koch brothers?
295
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:05,759
For some great patriots
dedicated to upholding
the Constitution...
296
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,105
Chapter 13.
297
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:20,740
Our heroes race
to stop Chechen terrorists
298
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,709
from blowing the H...
299
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,744
off the Hollywood sign.
300
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,213
But oh, no.
301
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,048
There's an ambush.
302
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,050
They've been double-crossed.
303
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,384
Well?
304
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,720
I'm not sure it tracks.
305
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:34,922
I know it doesn't,
goddamn it!
306
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,723
Can I go back to school?
My mom says
307
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,059
I'm the man of the house now and
that I have to get an education.
308
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,294
Sorry, when I gave you
that sleeve of Pop-Tarts,
309
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,530
was that for your help
or your biography?
310
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:48,068
(groans)
311
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,436
(phone rings)
312
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,504
Jimmy! How's it coming?
313
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:54,074
I'm sorry, Female Executive,
I can't do it.
314
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,575
I'm a fraud of a writer.
315
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,010
Can't I just write
316
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:58,678
the roller coaster book?
We already
317
00:12:58,711 --> 00:12:59,913
gave that to Neil Gaiman.
318
00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,348
Jimmy, just take a break.
319
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:02,615
Walk away from the proj...
320
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:04,751
(beep)
321
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,287
(heavy sigh)
322
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,758
*
323
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,193
(audience laughter)
324
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,028
Honey, I'm home!
What's for dinner?
325
00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,296
Aw, Mom,
326
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,098
carrots again?
327
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,433
(laughter)
328
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,871
Hey. So glad
you decided to come watch.
329
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:26,006
Actually,
I just came to remind myself
330
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:27,941
that I am a good writer.
331
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,642
When they ask for a suggestion,
332
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:32,145
I'm gonna yell out
one of my classic heckles.
333
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:33,446
"I have a suggestion.
334
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,348
"Instead of improvising
your show,
335
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:36,816
"try the written word,
336
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:39,119
invented by the Mesopotamians
in 3200 BC."
337
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,287
Shh!
338
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,990
You shush! How dare you?
Watch the show!
339
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:47,294
Hey, lady!
Give me those carrots.
340
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,962
Don't kill me.
Take the carrots.
341
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,630
Take all
the carrots.
Yeah!
342
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,866
That's a lot of carrots.
Ha-ha-ha!
343
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,968
MAN: Uh, sir, we've been getting
complaints from customers
344
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,469
at the health food store.
345
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,705
I told you I wasn't good
with organic food
346
00:13:58,738 --> 00:13:59,973
when you hired me!
347
00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:02,342
And we flash back
to the day he was hired.
348
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,412
Now, how are you
349
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:06,880
with organic food?
350
00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:08,081
Not good.
351
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:09,649
I'm gonna go
with my gut on this.
352
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:13,486
Your gut should be trusted--
it's a good gentleman, sir.
353
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,422
All right, we have
a clean-up in organic foods.
354
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,394
But, Councilman,
vaccines are really important,
355
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,897
but they're also
really, really bad.
356
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,933
They're transferring me
to the state capitol.
357
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,100
Local government
358
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:28,401
is such a joke.
359
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:29,769
Thanks, O-Blunder.
360
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:32,672
Oh... oh, no...
361
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,441
What?
Oh, nothing.
You don't want to see this.
362
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:36,243
Is this about
the Keystone Xbox pipeline?
363
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:37,610
'Cause that'll
just make me madder.
364
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:39,679
I found this last night.
365
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,748
It's Paul and Amy
at the Coliseum.
366
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,016
Amy's onstage
367
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:46,086
at some concert.
368
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:48,288
Amy is interpreting...
369
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,623
for Beyoncé?!
370
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:53,260
She is finger-singing Beyoncé!
371
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,262
RECEPTIONIST:
Senator Pelosi's office.
Stop calling me!
372
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,931
Ma'am, you called us.
(beep)
373
00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:00,433
Men are mean and
they hurt my brain.
374
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,207
I need wine.
375
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,809
Aw, come here, dum-dum.
376
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,244
(sighs)
377
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:14,381
Let's watch some garbage TV
and get our minds off of it.
378
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,084
Which one of
the Real Housewives
are the stupidest?
379
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:18,485
All of them.
380
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,153
'Cause they're wives.
381
00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,388
ANNOUNCER:
Who doesn't deserve
a tasty treat...
382
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:24,657
But really, it's New Jersey.
383
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:26,493
JIMMY:
How'd you come up
with the carrots thing?
384
00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,661
MAN: Well, we were talking about
supermarkets, so obviously
385
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:31,831
carrots came to mind.
The connections
you made out there
386
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:33,833
were just... mind-blowing.
387
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,468
Oh, thanks.
388
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,104
Yeah, I also do Sketchthon,
389
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:39,506
where we write and perform
12 sketches in 12 hours.
390
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:40,673
Oh. Why do you do that?
391
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,509
Well, I...
392
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:43,977
I don't know.
393
00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:46,746
Hey, say...
394
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,181
what do you think
of Dorothy?
395
00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:49,682
You have nothing to offer her.
396
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:51,351
Jimmy...
I'm being realistic, mate.
397
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,086
You just started.
398
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,356
These guys are
at the absolute
top of their game.
399
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,858
Tall Nathan's just done
improv on a cruise ship.
400
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:01,661
Kyle's been
to Greg Proops's condo!
401
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,030
Oh, you're right.
402
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:04,864
I haven't done
anything with my life.
403
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:07,200
I went straight from
high school to the army,
404
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:09,036
then straight to Iraq,
and I didn't even get
405
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,837
to see the cool
parts of Iraq.
406
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:14,274
I was in Fallujah, which is
basically their San Diego.
407
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,708
I'm referring to myself, too.
408
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,378
I'm a one-not-really-
a-hit wonder.
409
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:20,880
I mean, how can I write
when there are people
410
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:22,849
this brimming with talent
out there?
411
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:26,286
You and I, we are
just visitors in this world.
412
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,221
We'll pass through
like shadows,
413
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:31,391
and when we die...
no one will care.
414
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:34,727
Oh, look!
It's the chubby kid
415
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,363
from the LensCrafters
commercials.
416
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,398
MAN:
That's why I stopped
drinking sodas,
417
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:39,566
for the most part.
418
00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:41,068
Hey, Edgar.
419
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,903
Tall Nathan, this is Edgar--
he's in my class.
Oh, yeah!
420
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,538
Wait, what do I know you from?
421
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:47,074
Uh, no-nowhere cool.
422
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:49,642
Y-You just came and volunteered
with my veterans' group.
423
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:52,479
(chuckles):
Oh, yeah! That was a lot of fun.
424
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,747
You guys really like gay jokes.
425
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,583
I didn't know you
were a veteran.
426
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,751
I did a couple tours in Iraq.
427
00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,420
(scoffs)
Dumb.
428
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,754
Whoa.
429
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,790
Were you... in the shit?
430
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,759
Yeah.
431
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,096
I guess you could say
I was in the shit.
432
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:10,497
Speaking of...
433
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,432
being in shit, uh,
did I tell you about the time
434
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:13,733
the toilets broke
435
00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,103
on that improv cruise?
Get us a couple beers.
436
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,106
(exhales)
437
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:20,273
(clears throat)
438
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:21,541
That's incredible.
439
00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:23,676
So... what was it like?
440
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,778
I mean, unless you'd
rather not talk about it.
441
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:28,115
Oh, no, no. Uh...
442
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:30,583
What do you want to know?
443
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,152
Everything.
444
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,756
Are you sure you didn't write
those jokes beforehand?
445
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,024
Nope.
446
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,459
You don't have an algorithm
447
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,861
that changes your scenes based
on the audience suggestion?
448
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:44,264
It's all just...
completely original?
449
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,433
Yeah, I guess you could say
that, yeah. Why? What do you do?
450
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:48,201
Oh.
451
00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:49,769
I'm a novelist.
452
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,204
Mm.
In fact,
I came here tonight
453
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:53,306
with a written list of heckles.
454
00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:55,642
(chuckles): Really? All right,
what were some of them?
455
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,910
Oh. Um...
456
00:17:57,944 --> 00:17:59,646
Ah, this one's good.
457
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:02,982
"Instead of improv comedy,
why don't you kill yourselves
458
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:06,719
and impro comedy?"
459
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:07,887
(fake chuckle)
Mm.
460
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,489
Mm-hmm.
You don't like it.
461
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:12,325
You want to...
end the heckle
462
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:15,027
with the meanest
part of the joke.
463
00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:21,334
"Improve comedy--
464
00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:23,035
kill yourselves."
465
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,140
That's really good.
466
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:33,813
Hmm? Unicorn.
467
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,148
(groans)
468
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,516
Hey, Jimmy.
469
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,585
I was dreaming about a unicorn.
470
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,253
How you doing?
Terribly.
471
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,322
I met some artists
who fully exposed
472
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,257
the depths of my own hackery.
473
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:47,360
Sorry, Gretchen, I
have to go throw myself
off the Hollywood sign.
474
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,329
Nice knowing you.
475
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:51,531
What are you hiding
under there?
476
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,802
You're reading my erotic tales?
477
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:58,338
And after you teased me
about them relentlessly?
478
00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:00,340
No! Yes.
479
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:02,475
Well... what do you think?
480
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:04,177
Jimmy...
481
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:06,012
they're hella hot!
482
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:08,681
They are, aren't they?!
And to think that I've
483
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:12,385
been interviewing with authors
and novelizing TV shows--
484
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:15,622
albeit great ones-- while
the world awaits my second book.
485
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,191
Who am I to deny them?
Who are you?
486
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,893
And I finally know
what it should be.
487
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:23,730
I'm gonna give the world
what I've been preparing for
488
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,398
since I was 11:
489
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,534
the first truly
literary erotic novel
490
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,202
since Portnoy's Complaint.
491
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,704
I'd jerk off to it.
In fact...
492
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,172
why don't you...
493
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,342
read me a little bit
of the chapter
494
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,709
in the barn.
Ah...
495
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:39,279
that's one of my
favorites as well.
496
00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:44,050
(click)
(clears throat)
497
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:47,520
(low, steady buzzing)
"Wallenda bathed
herself in milk.
498
00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:49,722
(buzzing continues)
"'Aye,' the Baker
Boy thought,
499
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,191
''tis a fine meal I'd
make of this one.'"
500
00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,593
Oh, yeah, that's good.
501
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:55,194
(click)
(buzzing rises in pitch)
502
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:59,232
"He averted his eyes, his
manhood stiff and trembling
503
00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:00,700
"beneath his breeches.
504
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,735
"Wallenda cried out, 'No!
505
00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:06,573
"'Don't you dare look away,
you naughty Baker Boy.
506
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:10,243
(buzzing rises in pitch)
"'Take in the wholeness
of my nudity!'
507
00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:11,611
(click)
And he did."
508
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,080
(buzzing rises in pitch)
509
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:17,750
*
510
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:20,253
WOMAN (on TV):
In Arizona, cactus are sacred.
511
00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:22,689
If you steal one,
you're going to prison.
512
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,691
But if you mess
with someone's heart,
513
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,126
there's nothing anyone
can do about it,
514
00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:28,461
except me.
515
00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:29,929
My name is Sandra Hope,
516
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:32,198
and I run Mate Check
Private Investigations
517
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:33,766
with my boyfriend, Tom.
518
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,602
TOM:
Mate Check. Can I help you?
519
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:37,904
So, then, tomorrow night,
I'm sitting in with this
group from Chicago,
520
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,406
Michael Jordan's
Gambling Debt.
521
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:40,807
I'll check it out.
522
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:44,444
Uh, so, uh, Teach...
523
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:46,112
buy you a drink?
524
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:47,980
Sure. I'll have
what you're having.
525
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:50,016
(phone buzzing)
526
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:11,137
WOMAN (on TV): Well, Nana,
you need to, like, you need
527
00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:12,639
to party up a little bit.
528
00:21:12,672 --> 00:21:14,507
HOPE: Xanadu's the youngest,
and a good girl.
529
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:20,179
(sighs)
530
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:23,716
*
531
00:21:43,870 --> 00:21:46,038
*
532
00:21:51,177 --> 00:21:54,514
* Come and watch
a curtain rise *
533
00:21:54,547 --> 00:21:58,017
* Just in time for us to hide
534
00:21:58,050 --> 00:21:59,386
* Do you wanna
535
00:21:59,419 --> 00:22:01,554
* See my ghost?
536
00:22:01,588 --> 00:22:05,392
* Picking up
the old boy's slack *
537
00:22:05,425 --> 00:22:08,461
* Only can we go so far
538
00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:14,367
* Take a bow and raise a glass,
oh... *
539
00:22:14,401 --> 00:22:16,469
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
540
00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:19,572
* Hold it right there
541
00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:24,076
* Do you want to keep me
on the line? *
542
00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:28,214
* Hold it right there
543
00:22:28,247 --> 00:22:30,883
* Caught the operator...
544
00:22:30,917 --> 00:22:32,885
*
545
00:22:39,559 --> 00:22:41,528
(dog barks)
546
00:22:50,403 --> 00:22:53,873
You're the Worst.
All new, Wednesday at 10:30.
547
00:22:53,906 --> 00:22:55,542
On FXX.
548
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:59,178
Determination,
549
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:00,747
tenacity,
550
00:23:00,780 --> 00:23:02,549
endurance...
551
00:23:02,582 --> 00:23:04,116
may produce champions,
552
00:23:04,150 --> 00:23:06,953
but legends
really come to life...
553
00:23:06,986 --> 00:23:08,555
when they get hard.
554
00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:13,460
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
555
00:23:13,493 --> 00:23:16,295
Only on FXX.
556
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,302
(gunfire)
557
00:23:27,674 --> 00:23:30,076
(wind whistling)
558
00:23:30,109 --> 00:23:32,945
(woodpecker tapping)
(gunfire)
559
00:23:32,979 --> 00:23:35,414
Fargo.
All new, Mondays at 10:00.
560
00:23:35,448 --> 00:23:37,650
Starts October 12 on FX.
561
00:23:38,851 --> 00:23:40,286
(metal ringing)
562
00:23:48,928 --> 00:23:50,563
The Bastard Executioner.
563
00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:53,466
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
564
00:23:55,001 --> 00:23:57,136
(knocking)
565
00:23:57,169 --> 00:23:59,672
(electricity crackling)
566
00:23:59,706 --> 00:24:01,841
(knocking continues)
567
00:24:04,010 --> 00:24:06,813
American Horror Story: Hotel.
568
00:24:06,846 --> 00:24:09,682
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00
on FX.
569
00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:12,485
-This January--
-Yow!
570
00:24:12,519 --> 00:24:14,587
-Yikes.
-Ha-ha!
571
00:24:14,621 --> 00:24:16,255
-Hoo!
-Ow!
572
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:18,758
R-R-R-Remix!
Oh!
573
00:24:18,791 --> 00:24:20,793
-The all new season.
-Yaah!
574
00:24:20,827 --> 00:24:21,661
-(thunderclap)
-Aaah!
575
00:24:21,694 --> 00:24:23,796
Sunny returns January.
576
00:24:23,830 --> 00:24:25,231
Only on FXX.
577
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:29,101
Who are you guys?
578
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:30,970
-(together) We have come
to have sex with you.
-Holy--
579
00:24:32,739 --> 00:24:34,907
What are you
looking for exactly?
580
00:24:37,510 --> 00:24:39,011
(screams)
581
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:43,015
Why not get
surgically conjoined?
582
00:24:43,049 --> 00:24:46,385
Man Seeking Woman.
An all new season
January on FXX.
40244