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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,737
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,739
Only on FXX.
3
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:10,644
FXX presents You're the Worst.
4
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:11,812
[ Man Laughs ]
5
00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:19,853
Okay, what nationality
was "Chop-in"?
6
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:21,255
(quietly): Chopin.
Who the hell is that?
7
00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:22,323
Piano guy.
8
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,192
Ew.
Just guess a country.
9
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,426
Whatever.
10
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:26,560
Delaware.
11
00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:27,695
Delaware's a state.
12
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:29,497
(groans)
State, country.
13
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:30,364
(gasps)
Ooh!
14
00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:31,232
Europe.
15
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,366
"Pol-ish."
16
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,667
What's "pol-ish"?
17
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:34,735
Polish.
18
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,237
It's where Poles are from.
19
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:37,538
You'd love it there, Lindsers.
20
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:38,706
(giggles)
21
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,041
Sport and leisure.
22
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,843
What's the first letter
on the typewriter?
23
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:43,711
(scoffs)
"A."
24
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:45,546
Wrong. "Q."
"Q"?
25
00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:46,547
"Q"? "Q"?
26
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,548
Why "Q"?
27
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:48,516
It just says "Q."
28
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,717
Why would "Q" be first?
29
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,552
Barely any words use Qs.
30
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,054
Qs are like
the elbows of letters.
31
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,423
What does that mean?
32
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:56,890
(laughs)
You're so funny.
33
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:57,958
It should totally be "A."
34
00:00:57,991 --> 00:00:59,026
Yeah!
35
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,027
I should get a pie.
36
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,061
(gasps)
I want a pie!
37
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:02,230
Here.
38
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,232
Oh.
39
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:05,733
You thought we meant real pie,
didn't you?
40
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:08,068
You want a pie?
I can make you a pie.
41
00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:09,570
Oh, Edgar.
(laughs)
42
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:12,373
You don't have to make me
a coconut cream pie.
43
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:13,807
Then you'd have to go
to the store for me
44
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:17,111
and also buy me ice cream
and tampons while you're there.
45
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,382
I am learning so much
from this game.
46
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,251
That the National
Air and Space Museum
47
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,319
isn't named after some guy
named Aaron Space?
48
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,420
No.
49
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:28,922
That Edgar will
do things for me.
50
00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:30,057
Ever since I owned the mic
51
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,625
at Becca's stupid
surprise baby party,
52
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,294
he's been riding my jock hard.
53
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,262
You did what now?
54
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:35,729
I sang Kate Bush.
55
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,097
It was crazy.
56
00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:38,766
Just preheating the oven.
57
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,768
You're sweet!
My turn.
58
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,503
Oh, my God!
Are you not done?
59
00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:44,104
Science and nature.
60
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:46,607
Who was the first man in space?
61
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:47,441
Easy.
62
00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:48,776
Hmm.
63
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,444
Let me see.
64
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,780
I know Louis Armstrong.
65
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,782
Buzz Lightyear?
66
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:57,485
The name Kurt Loder
is coming to mind.
67
00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:58,952
That does sound familiar.
68
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,087
Yuri Gagarin!
69
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,656
It's Yuri Gagarin.
70
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:05,125
Louis Armstrong
was a jazz trumpeter.
71
00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:07,461
Buzz Lightyear is a cartoon.
72
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:10,364
And Kurt Loder was a VJ for MTV,
73
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:13,033
about whom the only
connection to space travel
74
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:16,204
was that the network's logo
was a man in a space suit.
75
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:17,438
EDGAR:
Yeah.
76
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,472
I don't know, Jimmy.
77
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,974
That doesn't sound right.
78
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:23,477
Charles Dickens wrote
what 1837 novel
79
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,346
about the plight
of street urchins?
80
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,980
Annie.
81
00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,216
Wow.
Yes!
82
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:31,785
EDGAR:
Pie for you.
83
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,854
(door closes)
84
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:42,230
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
85
00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:44,298
* I'm gonna
leave you anyway *
86
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:47,701
* Gonna leave you anyway.
87
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,073
Salinger, Brontë,
88
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:56,310
Ralph Ellison, Sylvia Plath.
89
00:02:56,344 --> 00:03:00,180
The expectation of a second
novel can paralyze some.
90
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:01,849
But what is there
to be afraid of?
91
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:05,018
I received an only positive
92
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,187
adjacent review in The Times.
93
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:10,157
If you look past
Michiko Kakutani's
94
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,226
thinly veiled ethnocentrism
95
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,027
and scorching ephebiphobia.
96
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,863
But am I afraid?
97
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,030
No!
98
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,899
Writing is fear.
99
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:21,702
To say that I allowed
fear to cripple me
100
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,405
would be to say that I am not,
in fact, a writer,
101
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:27,941
which would be akin to saying,
"Lo, condemn me thus
102
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:31,144
back to the earth,
for I am no more."
103
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:35,182
Wait, so do you
or do you not
104
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,050
have something
for me to read?
105
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:38,352
You're my agent, right?
106
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:40,120
It's your job to find me work
107
00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:43,090
while things percolate
on the follow-up.
108
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,092
Jimmy, I can't get you
any more magazine work
109
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,894
after Megan Thomas sued you
110
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,362
for writing about
having sex with her.
111
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:50,931
Chuck Klosterman sent me
a bottle of scotch for that one.
112
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,400
I do get calls for people
needing translation work,
113
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:55,135
research assistant,
novelization of movies...
114
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:58,105
there's a popcorn catalog
that needs a copywriter.
115
00:03:58,138 --> 00:03:59,206
(groans)
Forget it!
116
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,275
Just hearing
those horrific choices
117
00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:03,043
has fueled my fire.
118
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,579
I can tell that the big idea
is right around the corner.
119
00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:07,415
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised
120
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:10,083
if I start flying through
those pages any day now.
121
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:13,921
Nope, would not be
surprised at all.
122
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:16,089
He'll have another.
123
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:17,425
I'll get the tab.
124
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:18,759
But this is really stretching
125
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,594
the definition
of the word "meeting," Jimmy.
126
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,107
Jimmy?!
127
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,242
Jimmy!
128
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,310
JIMMY:
What?!
129
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,947
Where's the Bloody Mary bar?
130
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,281
What the hell? Edgar!
131
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:43,083
Edgar!
It is Sunday, right?
132
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,753
Edgar!
Edgar!
133
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,488
Oh, my God.
134
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:48,956
I don't think he's home.
135
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,224
It's all right.
136
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,362
We're adults.
137
00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:56,597
We can do this ourselves.
138
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,632
Okay.
139
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:03,337
Well, I know it involves
vodka and tomato juice.
140
00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:05,138
Well, we have a tomato.
141
00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:07,140
I'm sure that's fine.
142
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:09,977
Celery.
143
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,979
We have carrots.
144
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,181
Same thing, basically.
145
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:15,616
Mayonnaise?
146
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,184
Yeah.
147
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,626
Don't you think it's time
you got your own stuff?
148
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,495
I mean, you're wearing
my clothes,
149
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:28,996
using my toothbrush...
150
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,564
So?
151
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:33,333
Listen, I'm perfectly fine
having you as a girlfriend.
152
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:34,668
Aw.
153
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,003
But not as a dependent.
154
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,838
I'll get stuff.
155
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,039
But where in
your mind's eye
156
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,674
do you see me
putting said stuff
157
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:41,875
once I get it?
158
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:44,011
You know,
where you keep things.
159
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:46,346
You mean, the three trash bags
on the floor in the corner?
160
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,215
Uh-huh, Gretchen's corner.
161
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,384
Fine. Look.
162
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,486
If there's space
that I'm not using
163
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:55,355
that can't be,
you know, seen,
164
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:56,490
it's yours.
See?
165
00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:58,025
There's no room for me
in my own house!
166
00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,527
Sorry, your house?
167
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,861
Fine-- our house.
168
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,195
Um...
169
00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:04,064
When I was a kid,
I'd say come over
170
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,866
and watch Skin-amax
and drink Zima
171
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,401
in "my house"
or "our house,"
172
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:09,336
not "the house my
parents bought."
173
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,005
Well, they should've
corrected you on that.
174
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,240
(clears his throat)
175
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,211
Mmm.
176
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:19,179
(laughter nearby)
177
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,515
Hey, guys!
178
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,884
You have one job
on Sundays, one!
What were you
thinking not being here?
179
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:26,687
My fault-- I made him take me
to get football costumes.
180
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,922
EDGAR: Yeah, everything's
in the Bloody Mary drawer.
181
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:30,524
I'll show you.
182
00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:32,125
It's super easy...
183
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,293
What's going on?
184
00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:35,228
You've never watched
a sport in your life.
185
00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:36,897
Gretch, I need to get over Paul.
186
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:38,231
And apparently, on Sundays,
187
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:39,633
they have these sports bars
188
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,134
full of horny macho dum-dums
189
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,402
whose girlfriends
are all at home.
190
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:43,437
Plus wings.
191
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:44,705
You do love wings.
192
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:45,906
I need a bo-hunk.
193
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:47,374
Paul was such a gump.
194
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,743
Get this-- he told me
the definition of love
195
00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:51,879
is putting someone else's needs
above yours.
196
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,246
Ew.
I know.
197
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,083
Meanwhile,
Edgar's being so nice.
198
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:59,119
He knows I'm hurting
so he keeps doing stuff for me.
199
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:00,954
Just be careful with him, okay?
200
00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:03,591
Edgar, let's hit the wing place
before the game starts.
201
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:04,625
JIMMY:
Yeah.
202
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:05,926
We'll ride with you.
203
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,661
There's a Towels &
Stuff in that mall
204
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,797
where Gretchen can
buy a toothbrush
205
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:11,932
and other things
adults own.
206
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:12,933
You're gonna help me shop?
207
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:13,967
Hell, no.
208
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:15,469
I'm going for
literary inspiration.
209
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,270
I'm not finding it here,
so maybe I'll find it
210
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:20,240
amongst the diabetic masses
of the American shopper.
211
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,309
I'm like Thoreau,
212
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:25,078
only the mall
shall be my Walden.
213
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,814
Mall-den.
214
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:29,783
(all laughing)
215
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:33,487
I would've found that
eventually.
216
00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:39,793
(sniffing)
217
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:41,161
Mmm! (sniffs)
218
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:43,196
This way!
219
00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:47,134
Wait!
220
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:50,337
Hang out with me first.
221
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,806
What do you want to do?
222
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,276
* Hey, I do what I want,
I do, I do what I want *
223
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,179
* I do what I want, I do, I do
what I want *
224
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:00,447
* Hey
225
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,850
* You ain't my daddy
226
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:05,853
* Hoppin' in the Caddy
227
00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:07,855
* Pullin' into Cali, ow...
228
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:10,658
* I do what I want, I do, I do
what I want *
* Get off my phone
229
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:13,360
* I do what I want,
I do, I do what I want *
* Hear a dial tone
230
00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:15,495
* If you ain't hear it
on the first hang up *
231
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,197
* I do what I want, I do, I do
what I want *
232
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,866
* I do what I want
* Hey
233
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,200
* VIP line
234
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,669
* You got out the line
235
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:24,237
* Boys got a wristband,
trying to be my boyfriend *
236
00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:25,505
* I do what I want
237
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:26,840
* Break them like a piggy bank
238
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:28,041
* I do what I want
239
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:29,877
* Rollin' on E
like a gas tank. *
240
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:31,545
That's your boyfriend.
241
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:32,680
(Gretchen chuckles)
242
00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:34,682
That's your girlfriend.
243
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,316
(laughs)
244
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,919
That's your boyfriend.
245
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,320
(slurping)
246
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,155
Yes, he is.
Mm-hmm.
247
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,390
I love my boyfriend.
248
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:44,892
Do you really?
249
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:47,160
* I do what I want, oh
250
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:49,730
* I'm in the end zone
251
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:53,366
* Try and tackle me,
I'm so gone *
252
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,902
* Pull up to the bank
in the armored truck *
253
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,369
* They call me lady luck...
254
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:58,906
This is shit!
Derivative trifle!
255
00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,407
The composition is wretched.
256
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,175
Tonal harmony nonexistent.
257
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,111
Don't even get me started
on the perspective.
258
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,579
Blue ribbon?
259
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:07,380
This contest is a sham.
260
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:08,782
(scoffs)
261
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:13,754
* I do what I want, oh.
262
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,889
Oh, what next? What next?
263
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,925
Go buy your crap.
I have to work now.
264
00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:19,927
(whimpering)
No whining, woman!
265
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:27,034
Let the observation...
266
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,403
begin.
267
00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:33,774
And they have four chances
to get said ten yards.
268
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:36,543
Now, before I get into some of
your various offensive packages,
269
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,112
I'm reminded of when
my older brother Salazar
270
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,614
took me to see a Raider game.
271
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:44,151
We were so far away, but to me,
it was like being on the field.
272
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:47,387
And then he sold crank to a
Chargers fan in the men's room
273
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,290
and we used the money
to go to Applebee's.
274
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:53,060
You know what I think?
275
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,962
I think...
276
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:56,964
that's my guy.
277
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:58,131
At the bar.
278
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,933
Over there,
with the shoulders.
279
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,735
All right, go to it.
280
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:02,936
Go to what?
281
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,337
Go wing man for me.
282
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:06,306
Oh, okay.
283
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:09,009
How many wings should this man
284
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,311
go get you?
No.
285
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,846
Go talk to that cute guy for me.
286
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,652
Oh, but now
that you mention it,
287
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:21,621
I could use
some more wings, too.
288
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:31,699
Okay, here I go.
289
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,035
Nope.
290
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,471
Nope.
291
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:41,975
Nuh-uh.
292
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:45,478
Can I help you
find something?
293
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:47,848
Puppies?
294
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,883
Do you have any puppies?
295
00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:51,651
(laughs):
Oh, wait...
296
00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,987
this isn't a dog store.
297
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:57,157
(laughs, then cries)
298
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,659
JIMMY: Daisy and Mort met
in Buenos Aires
299
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:01,394
in 1968.
300
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,130
Daisy worked at a hat factory.
301
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,366
Mort lived as an Ashkenazi Jew,
but really
302
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:09,236
he was a Nazi war criminal.
303
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:10,804
No, that's dumb.
304
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:12,840
Who cares?
305
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:18,712
Megan was just like
any other 15-year-old girl.
306
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:20,513
She loved social media,
307
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:21,882
hated her parents,
308
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:25,152
and lived and died by the
fluctuating attention from boys.
309
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,653
But what most people didn't know
310
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,156
was that Megan was actually...
311
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,892
a Nazi war criminal.
312
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:34,061
Aah! What's wrong with me?
313
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,395
Excuse me?
314
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,197
Yeah?
Uh, your job must be
315
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,565
tedious and bleak.
316
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:39,833
Tell me about it.
317
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:42,836
Ah, sure. Well, so far
it's a sweet-ass gig.
318
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,238
I walk around
macking on hos all day.
319
00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:47,407
And nobody in the food court
busses their trays,
320
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:48,842
so I eat like a king.
321
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:51,879
And if I don't want to chase
a shoplifter, I don't.
322
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:54,081
I go smoke a bowl
out on the delivery bay
323
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:56,083
and wait for him
to bail with the merch.
324
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,185
Plus, I get to work for
my best friend Eric,
325
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,619
who's a sweetheart.
326
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,889
Ah, he's got sickle cell,
327
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,590
but he's real positive about it.
328
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:05,692
So, yeah, I guess, all in all,
329
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,294
this job really
fits my lifestyle.
330
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:08,528
Why do you ask?
331
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,397
Oh, um...
332
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:11,598
I'm a writer.
333
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:14,234
Ooh.
I was looking for a subject.
334
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,602
So, let me ask you something.
335
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,637
If you were offered the job,
would you write,
336
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:20,540
say, a novelization
of a movie?
337
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,110
Are you serious?
338
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:24,711
Bec-Because I would love that!
339
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,113
Oh, my God.
Wait right here.
340
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,380
I'm gonna be right back!
341
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:30,583
(quietly):
Come on, come on.
342
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,297
Oh, my God.
(rapid buzzing nearby)
343
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:46,466
What is that?
That is delightful!
344
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:47,868
(giggles)
345
00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:58,111
Hey, uh...
wha-what's your name?
346
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,948
Thanks, but I'm just
not interested.
347
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:02,649
Wh... what? No.
348
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,017
I'm not gay, no.
349
00:13:04,051 --> 00:13:05,152
My friend, over there,
350
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,987
with the sauce on her face,
she wanted me
351
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:09,356
to come, uh, talk to,
talk to you for her.
352
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:12,192
Well, tell her thanks,
353
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,660
but I'm actually gay.
354
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,462
Ah.
355
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:16,629
Okay.
356
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,665
Sorry.
357
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:25,172
Wait, you said you weren't
interested in me.
358
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:26,706
Right.
359
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,541
But you're gay.
Yes.
360
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:31,211
I don't understand.
361
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,445
I can't do it.
362
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,381
I can't buy stuff.
Why?
363
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,716
It's like, my old stuff was
just stuff I accrued over time.
364
00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:39,052
Crap I stole during
my shoplifting days.
365
00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:40,720
Shit I inherited
from that old lady
366
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:42,155
who thought
I was her granddaughter.
367
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:44,491
And now I have to
completely furnish,
368
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:46,459
from scratch,
the life of an adult woman
369
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,996
and I have no clue
how to do that.
370
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,865
Anyway, Jimmy doesn't even
371
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:53,867
want to make space for me
in his house.
372
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:55,468
That's why
you need stuff, Gretch.
373
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,870
To stake your claim.
374
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,505
Get your shit up
in those crevasses.
375
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:00,407
Besides, stuff is the best.
376
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,375
You can never get
lonely with stuff.
377
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:04,577
And there are so many
examples of stuff--
378
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,679
ice cube trays
shaped like high heels.
379
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:07,915
Towels.
380
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,582
Smaller towels for your butt.
381
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:12,185
Chairs, which I guess
are also for your butt.
382
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,753
Okay, got it.
383
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,588
MAN:
Wait, so you...
384
00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:18,425
like her, but you're
trolling for dudes for her?
385
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,260
What a bitch.
386
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,929
She is so using you.
387
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,430
Instead of talking
to dudes for her,
388
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:25,698
you should be lining up
some sweet ass for yourself.
389
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:28,601
Or if you prefer it--
"hot puss."
390
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,203
You're right.
391
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,371
You see that cocktail waitress
392
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:32,439
with the brown hair?
393
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:33,873
(scoffs)
Yeah.
394
00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,208
She's a friend of ours.
395
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,077
And she needs to stop dating
396
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,079
(louder):
married baseball players.
397
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:40,447
I'll introduce you.
398
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,115
Okay, thanks.
399
00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:43,716
And then once
you get her number,
400
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:46,086
Mm-hmm.
bring your friend a wet wipe.
401
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:57,130
You've been standing
here for 20 minutes.
402
00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:58,631
Can I help you find something?
403
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:01,568
No, I'm fine.
404
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,971
I'm waiting for someone.
405
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:06,806
My son... actually.
406
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,108
Jayden?
407
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:09,309
Cart paralysis.
408
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,877
It's very common.
409
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,245
What do you need to get?
410
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:14,747
Everything!
(laughs)
411
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,449
I just moved in
with my boyfriend
412
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:17,985
and I don't have any stuff
413
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,786
except for a food processor
414
00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:22,155
and, like, 19 thongs,
because even though
415
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:24,824
at first we were like,
"I am not wearing that,"
416
00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:27,660
the patriarchy somehow convinced
us that visible panty lines
417
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:29,596
were unacceptable, so now
I've just grown accustomed
418
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:30,998
to the feeling of a fabric rope
419
00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:33,166
against my actual asshole
all day.
420
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,667
And anyway,
even if I did buy
421
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:37,070
the stuff of a life,
there's nowhere for me to put it
422
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:39,506
because I'm not sure this dude
really wanted me to move in
423
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,174
because I'm
an irresponsible monster
424
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:44,677
who burned down her apartment
with her vibrator!
425
00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:46,013
I'm just gonna leave you
426
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,115
with this checklist
for college freshmen.
427
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:58,291
"Hair dryer.
428
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,327
Hair dryer..."
429
00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:09,036
"Shower shoes."
430
00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:20,447
More wings.
431
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,049
Uh...
I said
432
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:24,884
I'll tell you
when I've had enough.
433
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,223
I really like your shirt--
it shows off your shoulder.
434
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,861
Did you find
everything you need?
435
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:37,230
Why, yes, I did.
Thank you.
436
00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:39,232
And, like, 20 things
I didn't know existed.
437
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,901
Little dryer balls that beat
the shit out of your clothes?
438
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,204
A banana holder?
439
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,739
Get off the counter,
banana, you fancy now.
440
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:48,241
And I'm gonna
make my own soda.
441
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:49,376
Can I make champagne?
442
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:50,410
Don't know.
Gonna try.
443
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:52,579
Fantastic.
Yeah.
444
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:53,913
Starting a whole new life.
445
00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:56,716
It's scary but...
I'm doing it.
446
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,418
This is a lot of stuff.
447
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:01,121
Did you need help with
any storage solutions today?
448
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,757
Please don't.
449
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,793
I'm so sorry.
450
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,943
Where's your stuff?
451
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:25,878
Why do I have to go
buy everything?
452
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,380
Uh, because you have nothing.
453
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:28,615
I know!
454
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:30,217
But why do I have to be the one
455
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,284
making all the adjustments?
456
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:32,552
How has your life changed
457
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:33,786
since I moved in,
other than you get
458
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,622
all of this next to you
every night?
459
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,124
Not one bit.
460
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,192
Any change for you
is purely theoretical.
461
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,627
"Oh, I live with someone now."
462
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,595
Big stinking deal.
I have nothing.
463
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,631
I told you, we would find
room for your things.
464
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,733
I don't want to live
around you, Jimmy.
465
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,535
I don't want
to live in the crevasses.
466
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,137
I'm not moss!
467
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,472
Uh...
See you later.
468
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,474
MAN:
There you are.
469
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:57,910
So... what movie
are we adapting?
470
00:17:57,944 --> 00:17:59,979
What?
471
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:01,414
Oh, no, it was a hypothetical.
472
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,316
And for me, not for you.
473
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:05,585
But I just quit my job.
474
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:07,587
Damn it!
This keeps happening to me.
475
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,122
Oh, my God!
476
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:11,458
I told Eric to suck my dick!
477
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,825
Why would I do that?
478
00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:14,761
I love that guy.
479
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:22,169
I-I, I got your text.
480
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:23,636
What's the crisis?
481
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:27,006
And h-h-how do you still have
buffalo sauce on your face?
482
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:29,676
I went to the mall today
looking to take my mind off
483
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:32,779
how lonely I am and maybe
hook up with a nice guy.
484
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:36,616
Turns out, I was looking
in the wrong place.
485
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:39,952
The answer was right in
front of me the whole time.
486
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,222
My phone!
487
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:46,025
I don't need to be
looking in the real world.
488
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:48,127
I need to be looking online.
489
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,997
So, what I am doing here?
490
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:52,965
I need sexy photos
491
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,367
for my profile.
492
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,035
I can help.
493
00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:01,841
So, are you going to, uh,
494
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:05,845
call that cute waitress
you were talking to?
495
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:08,648
Nah. We have nothing in common.
496
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,650
(click)
497
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,852
How did you get
wing sauce down there?
498
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,021
Russell, it's Jimmy.
499
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:16,389
Um, those jobs you mentioned--
500
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:18,191
you can find me something.
501
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,493
Probably not the popcorn thing.
502
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:23,530
Also, this counts as a meeting,
so you owe me a drink.
503
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,565
(phone beeps)
504
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:33,940
(door opens, footsteps approach)
505
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:39,546
Hey. Um... listen.
506
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,681
I understand that my actions
507
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,150
could lead you
to feel a bit unwelcome,
508
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:48,154
and I'll work on not being
such a control freak.
509
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,923
I mean, this is your house, too.
510
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,426
So, I made you...
511
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,428
a nightstand.
512
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:58,197
It's called a Klüf.
513
00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,932
Cool, thanks.
514
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:03,736
What, what is that?
What are you doing?
515
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:04,937
Why-why are you doing that?
516
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:06,439
Well, you just said
it's my house, too,
517
00:20:06,473 --> 00:20:08,608
so I'm just putting
some art on our walls.
518
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:09,742
Okay.
519
00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:11,444
But you see, ev-everything here
520
00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:13,946
is meticulously curated so...
521
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,282
I don't know, Jimmy.
522
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,617
I really like this poster.
523
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:18,718
Look at that cat.
524
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:19,786
He's so cool.
525
00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:21,588
All right.
526
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,790
If you really want me
to feel comfortable here
527
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:26,326
maybe there's another way.
528
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:32,465
What about the-the Klüf?
529
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:34,100
You can use it.
I'll just take yours.
530
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:39,138
Thank you
for making room for me.
531
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:40,973
You're welcome.
532
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,410
I like our place.
533
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:46,145
Me, too.
534
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,814
Guess what Paul's
definition of love is.
535
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,449
What?
536
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:51,418
Putting someone else's needs
above yours.
537
00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:52,419
Ew!
I know.
538
00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:54,454
He's such a gump.
539
00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:58,491
Come on, let's
tackle the closet.
540
00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:03,095
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
541
00:21:03,129 --> 00:21:05,832
* Son, you'll have
to grow thicker skin *
542
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:07,667
* Before you turn amphibian
543
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:11,404
* Then you'll have
to grow some gills *
544
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:13,340
* If you want
to breathe oxygen *
545
00:21:13,373 --> 00:21:16,108
* You're gonna have
to live on land *
546
00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:19,245
* And maybe I'm surprised
you don't. *
547
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:36,629
[ Water Dripping ]
548
00:21:41,868 --> 00:21:43,370
[ Clears Throat ]
549
00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:54,881
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
550
00:22:03,490 --> 00:22:06,225
[ Crowd Cheering,
Applauding ]
551
00:22:08,861 --> 00:22:11,964
When a thoroughbred is retired,
he's put out to stud.
552
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:14,534
My only regret
is that I cannot inject
my excellence into--
553
00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:16,135
Future generations,
554
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:18,505
who will know
that I respected
and admired--
555
00:22:18,538 --> 00:22:22,575
Boobs. Boobs do not make you
less of a fantasy player.
556
00:22:22,609 --> 00:22:26,145
I dominated these guys.
I stomped all over their--
557
00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:28,381
Sacks. Touchdowns.
558
00:22:28,415 --> 00:22:31,317
Doesn't matter how you score,
as long as you
leave everything--
559
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:33,052
In the toilet.
560
00:22:33,085 --> 00:22:35,822
Every year,
my team inevitably
ends up in the crapper.
561
00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:37,390
Sometimes I feel like I--
562
00:22:37,424 --> 00:22:40,560
Smoked everything in sight.
563
00:22:40,593 --> 00:22:42,495
Wait. What were we
talking about?
[ Man ] Eskimo bro!
564
00:22:42,529 --> 00:22:45,598
[ Announcer ]
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
565
00:22:45,632 --> 00:22:48,100
Only on FXX.
566
00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:52,639
[ Springs Squeaking ]
567
00:23:03,783 --> 00:23:06,686
Married. All new,
Thursdays at 10:30.
568
00:23:06,719 --> 00:23:09,121
Only on FX.
569
00:23:20,332 --> 00:23:22,301
The Bastard Executioner.
570
00:23:22,334 --> 00:23:24,771
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
571
00:23:27,774 --> 00:23:30,477
[ Material Flapping ]
38602
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