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In May of 2009, I was on the verge
of scoring my first big client
2
00:00:04,451 --> 00:00:06,110
as an independent architect.
3
00:00:06,235 --> 00:00:08,341
I was willing to do anything
to make it happen.
4
00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:11,340
Here's what we want, son.
It's real simple.
5
00:00:11,615 --> 00:00:14,128
We're opening a restaurant
called Rib Town
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00:00:14,253 --> 00:00:16,103
and we want it to be shaped
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00:00:16,403 --> 00:00:17,803
like a cowboy hat.
8
00:00:19,006 --> 00:00:19,956
Anything.
9
00:00:20,241 --> 00:00:21,269
A cowboy hat?
10
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,706
That's brilliant.
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00:00:23,932 --> 00:00:25,382
I love it! I mean,
12
00:00:25,507 --> 00:00:28,194
nothing says delicious like
the inside of a cowboy hat, right?
13
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:31,062
Look, I'm telling you...
I'm your guy. I...
14
00:00:32,192 --> 00:00:33,592
I think I was born
15
00:00:33,717 --> 00:00:35,917
to design this building. I just...
16
00:00:36,211 --> 00:00:37,161
I see it.
17
00:00:37,330 --> 00:00:40,180
I don't see it! I don't see it!
I don't see it!
18
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:44,377
- What's so good about it?
- Up all night?
19
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,706
I told these guys
I have a vision for this thing.
20
00:00:46,831 --> 00:00:49,548
They want to see a pitch in a week
and I got nothing.
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00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:50,591
It's cute.
22
00:00:50,967 --> 00:00:51,767
Cute?
23
00:00:52,849 --> 00:00:55,049
I could be designing concert halls
24
00:00:55,361 --> 00:00:57,656
and bridges.
Bridges so beautiful
25
00:00:57,781 --> 00:00:59,174
they could be in museums.
26
00:00:59,299 --> 00:01:01,559
And I could design those museums.
27
00:01:02,034 --> 00:01:05,093
But what am I designing instead?
What has my career come to?
28
00:01:05,218 --> 00:01:06,668
A two-story Stetson
29
00:01:07,302 --> 00:01:09,402
with outdoor dining on the brim.
30
00:01:10,164 --> 00:01:11,864
It's a sick cosmic joke.
31
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,115
The universe is conspiring
against me.
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00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:17,168
You just need to get out
of the house. Take a walk.
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00:01:17,293 --> 00:01:18,393
Get a bagel.
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00:01:19,487 --> 00:01:22,223
That'll solve everything.
I haven't slept for 34 hours,
35
00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:23,780
but a bagel is the answer.
36
00:01:23,905 --> 00:01:26,751
A cinnamon raisin bagel
with a little cream cheese.
37
00:01:27,412 --> 00:01:29,952
Actually, that sounds pretty good...
I'm going to get a bagel.
38
00:01:30,077 --> 00:01:31,847
Bring an umbrella.
It's supposed to rain,
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00:01:31,972 --> 00:01:33,759
according to Galoshes,
our weather clown.
40
00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:36,227
Your show has a clown
who does the weather?
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00:01:36,352 --> 00:01:38,597
That's a little cheesy,
don't you think?
42
00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:41,570
And what's that restaurant
you're designing shaped like,
43
00:01:41,695 --> 00:01:42,495
Hoss?
44
00:01:43,745 --> 00:01:46,564
Fine. You want me out of the house,
I'll get out of the house.
45
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,246
Can't wait to see what the universe
has lined up for me out there.
46
00:01:55,730 --> 00:01:58,841
Kids, I've been telling you the story
of how I met your mother.
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00:01:58,966 --> 00:02:01,291
And while there's many things
to learn from this story,
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00:02:01,416 --> 00:02:03,116
this may be the biggest.
49
00:02:03,344 --> 00:02:06,825
The great moments of your life won't
necessarily be the things you do.
50
00:02:06,950 --> 00:02:09,517
They'll also be the things
that happen to you.
51
00:02:09,642 --> 00:02:11,539
Now, I'm not saying
you can't take action
52
00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:13,335
to affect the outcome of your life.
53
00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:15,023
You have to take action,
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00:02:15,148 --> 00:02:16,298
and you will.
55
00:02:16,922 --> 00:02:19,070
But never forget that, on any day,
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00:02:19,195 --> 00:02:20,850
you could step out the front door
57
00:02:20,975 --> 00:02:23,475
and your whole life
can change forever.
58
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,941
You see, the universe
has a plan, kids,
59
00:02:26,066 --> 00:02:27,980
and that plan is always in motion.
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00:02:29,059 --> 00:02:31,059
A butterfly flaps its wings...
61
00:02:31,828 --> 00:02:33,578
and it starts to rain.
62
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:37,251
It's a scary thought.
But it's also kind of wonderful.
63
00:02:37,376 --> 00:02:40,452
All these little parts of the machine
constantly working,
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00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:43,203
making sure that you end up exactly
where you're supposed to be,
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00:02:43,328 --> 00:02:45,756
exactly when you're supposed
to be there.
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00:02:45,881 --> 00:02:47,131
The right place
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00:02:47,706 --> 00:02:49,106
at the right time.
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00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:51,900
Synchro: Mickeyte et MiniBen314
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00:02:52,025 --> 00:02:54,067
Traduction: MiniBen314,
Eomyn et Lino72
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00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,337
Relecture: MiniBen314
Transcript: yetts.net
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How I Met Your Mother
4x22 - Right Place Right Time
72
00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:03,057
par la "Have You Met Team"
pour www.forom.com
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00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:08,520
Kids, that's a miracle that
I ended up on that street corner.
74
00:03:08,645 --> 00:03:11,774
Especially when you consider how easy
it would have been not to end up there.
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00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,837
I mean, for instance, when I first
stepped out of the apartment,
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00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,672
I almost went right instead of left.
77
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,139
Why didn't I go right?
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00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:20,241
To answer that,
we have to go back a few days.
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00:03:20,854 --> 00:03:23,991
As you know, back then, your
Aunt Robin hosted a morning show.
80
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:27,361
Now Eunice here
makes all of these purses herself.
81
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:30,186
They're hand embroidered
with the world's finest silk.
82
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,047
And each one takes months
83
00:03:32,172 --> 00:03:34,088
to make. I cannot emphasize
84
00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:36,173
how much work goes into...
85
00:03:39,924 --> 00:03:41,469
Go to weather, you idiot.
86
00:03:43,618 --> 00:03:47,810
Hey, everybody. We got a high pressure
system coming in from the west and...
87
00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:51,883
On the plus side,
88
00:03:52,008 --> 00:03:54,149
I bought the cutest purse today.
89
00:03:54,319 --> 00:03:56,150
So, wait, why did you throw up?
90
00:03:56,971 --> 00:03:59,154
- You don't want to know.
- Come on. Tell me.
91
00:04:00,539 --> 00:04:01,574
I'm pregnant.
92
00:04:02,072 --> 00:04:03,788
I will raise this child with you.
93
00:04:03,913 --> 00:04:06,478
You are not alone in this.
We can even get married if you want,
94
00:04:06,603 --> 00:04:08,913
but I still want to see other girls,
so it would have to be
95
00:04:09,038 --> 00:04:11,906
- one of those kinds of marriages...
- God, stop it. I'm not pregnant.
96
00:04:12,031 --> 00:04:13,512
It's food poisoning.
97
00:04:14,672 --> 00:04:16,738
I ate something from this place and,
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00:04:16,863 --> 00:04:18,223
three hours later, I was
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00:04:18,348 --> 00:04:20,236
spewing like an open hydrant.
100
00:04:20,814 --> 00:04:22,011
God. From where?
101
00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,096
Well, that's a gross question.
102
00:04:24,569 --> 00:04:25,890
Where was the food from?
103
00:04:27,654 --> 00:04:29,351
- I don't want to tell you.
- What?!
104
00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:32,610
Go to YouTube. Put in "Robin
Scherbatsky morning show vomit".
105
00:04:32,735 --> 00:04:34,063
Hey, Robin. Home so soon.
106
00:04:34,872 --> 00:04:36,734
Someone already put it on YouTube?
107
00:04:37,165 --> 00:04:37,965
Yeah.
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00:04:38,262 --> 00:04:39,162
Someone.
109
00:04:40,596 --> 00:04:43,032
So... why you been throwing up?
You pregnant?
110
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,034
Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant.
111
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:52,124
Wait, why won't you tell me
where you got food poisoning?
112
00:04:52,294 --> 00:04:55,377
You love this place.
If I tell you, it'll just ruin it.
113
00:04:57,180 --> 00:04:58,530
That makes sense.
114
00:04:59,114 --> 00:05:00,314
Don't tell me.
115
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:02,828
Is it that Indian place
where the cat jumps
116
00:05:02,953 --> 00:05:04,574
- on all the tables?
- I'm not saying.
117
00:05:04,699 --> 00:05:06,573
That Spanish place
with the baby's crib
118
00:05:06,698 --> 00:05:09,173
- in the middle of the restaurant?
- I'm not saying.
119
00:05:11,962 --> 00:05:14,396
Is it this place?
Tell me, damn you!
120
00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:16,415
Fine. You really want to know?
121
00:05:17,206 --> 00:05:18,856
It's Schlegel's Bagels.
122
00:05:19,347 --> 00:05:21,097
Why did you tell me that?
123
00:05:21,615 --> 00:05:22,571
Schlegel's?
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00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:24,605
Thanks a lot, Robin.
125
00:05:24,939 --> 00:05:27,521
Now I'm going to have to try
to find another place in New York
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00:05:27,646 --> 00:05:28,950
that serves bagels.
127
00:05:30,916 --> 00:05:33,730
So, you see, kids, if I had gone
to Schlegel's Bagels as usual,
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00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:35,459
I would have taken a right.
129
00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:37,921
I would have gotten a bagel...
130
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:40,536
gone home, worked
on the old hat building,
131
00:05:40,661 --> 00:05:42,840
and you kids might never
have been born.
132
00:05:43,396 --> 00:05:45,078
But I turned left instead,
133
00:05:45,203 --> 00:05:47,568
to go to my second-favorite
bagel place
134
00:05:47,693 --> 00:05:49,393
and the rest is history.
135
00:05:49,518 --> 00:05:52,711
Of course, I stopped at that
magazine stand on the way.
136
00:05:52,836 --> 00:05:54,386
Why did I stop there?
137
00:05:54,511 --> 00:05:55,438
Here's why.
138
00:06:01,446 --> 00:06:02,946
Bro's Life magazine.
139
00:06:03,650 --> 00:06:04,677
Page 83.
140
00:06:04,993 --> 00:06:05,943
Check it.
141
00:06:07,257 --> 00:06:10,122
"What your paintball gun
says about your personality"?
142
00:06:10,247 --> 00:06:11,297
Below that.
143
00:06:11,422 --> 00:06:14,205
"That last five pounds,
how to get her to lose them."
144
00:06:14,459 --> 00:06:15,623
Above that.
145
00:06:16,358 --> 00:06:17,960
Petra Petrova.
146
00:06:18,303 --> 00:06:19,669
Petra Petrova.
147
00:06:20,024 --> 00:06:22,832
Bro's Life magazine's Girl
of the Year
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00:06:22,957 --> 00:06:23,757
for May.
149
00:06:24,097 --> 00:06:26,804
A delicate flower in stiletto pumps
and leopard panties,
150
00:06:26,929 --> 00:06:28,469
straddling an ATV.
151
00:06:28,641 --> 00:06:31,100
These magazines are so lame.
She's probably airbrushed
152
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,005
- and enhanced.
- I have a date with her.
153
00:06:33,130 --> 00:06:36,102
You are my hero! Are you serious?
How do you have a date with her?
154
00:06:36,273 --> 00:06:37,871
Not part of the story.
155
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,450
I have been waiting a long time
to say this.
156
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:42,675
This girl...
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00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:43,693
is the one.
158
00:06:43,864 --> 00:06:47,112
Of course she's the one.
You have to marry those. Her.
159
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,083
Marry?
160
00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:54,747
I have something much,
much more special in mind.
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00:06:55,418 --> 00:06:57,368
Petra here, if all goes well,
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00:06:57,683 --> 00:07:00,056
will be my... wait for it...
two hundredth.
163
00:07:00,181 --> 00:07:02,102
Sorry, I couldn't wait.
It's all too exciting.
164
00:07:02,227 --> 00:07:03,997
Your two hundredth, as in
165
00:07:04,122 --> 00:07:05,006
"sex with"?
166
00:07:05,176 --> 00:07:06,647
As in "sex with."
167
00:07:07,004 --> 00:07:09,595
I request the highest of fives.
168
00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:12,472
Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit.
169
00:07:13,852 --> 00:07:15,225
200 is too many.
170
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:19,074
Right, 'cause there can be
too many of something wonderful.
171
00:07:19,199 --> 00:07:22,774
"Hey, Babe Ruth, easy, big fella.
Let's not hit too many homers."
172
00:07:23,090 --> 00:07:24,892
"Hey, Steve Guttenberg,
173
00:07:25,155 --> 00:07:28,655
maybe just make three Police Academy
movies. America's laughed enough."
174
00:07:28,825 --> 00:07:30,198
Who are these girls?
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00:07:30,623 --> 00:07:32,575
That was rhetorical.
Don't show me the list.
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00:07:32,747 --> 00:07:35,828
199 satisfied customers.
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00:07:36,104 --> 00:07:38,331
Anyway, the big night is thursday.
178
00:07:38,593 --> 00:07:41,375
I'm having a celebratory soir�e
beforehand at MacLaren's.
179
00:07:42,119 --> 00:07:43,288
Prepare a toast.
180
00:07:43,413 --> 00:07:45,231
Black tie optional, but preferred.
181
00:07:45,356 --> 00:07:48,487
Gifts are, look, I would say
unnecessary, but follow your heart.
182
00:07:48,612 --> 00:07:50,218
Barney, 200's too many.
183
00:07:50,389 --> 00:07:52,221
- It's not too many.
- It's too many!
184
00:07:52,489 --> 00:07:54,515
- It's not too many.
- Thank you.
185
00:07:54,686 --> 00:07:55,927
No, don't get me wrong.
186
00:07:56,052 --> 00:07:58,104
You're disgusting,
and the cops should probably
187
00:07:58,229 --> 00:08:00,247
clamp a boot on your genitals, but
188
00:08:00,372 --> 00:08:01,932
that number should be higher.
189
00:08:02,057 --> 00:08:05,098
After Barney told me about all this,
I crunched the numbers and,
190
00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:06,073
well...
191
00:08:06,408 --> 00:08:08,089
I had some charts made up.
192
00:08:09,671 --> 00:08:11,258
Barney here hits on roughly
193
00:08:11,383 --> 00:08:12,591
20 girls a week.
194
00:08:12,716 --> 00:08:14,131
It's way more than 20.
195
00:08:14,256 --> 00:08:16,756
And B. Smooth
don't do nothing roughly.
196
00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:19,662
Let's say 20.
So, 20 girls a week means
197
00:08:19,787 --> 00:08:22,199
1,040 girls a year.
198
00:08:22,506 --> 00:08:25,151
In Barney's 16 years
of sexual activity,
199
00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:29,298
that means he's hit on 16,640 girls.
200
00:08:29,672 --> 00:08:32,268
Now, if he's bedded 199 of them,
201
00:08:32,393 --> 00:08:34,704
that is a success, right of...
202
00:08:36,164 --> 00:08:37,732
a little... over...
203
00:08:38,153 --> 00:08:39,434
one percent.
204
00:08:40,122 --> 00:08:42,271
That's a batting average of 12,
205
00:08:42,441 --> 00:08:45,690
eight times worse than
the career batting average of
206
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,309
one-handed pitcher, that's right,
207
00:08:48,897 --> 00:08:49,897
pitcher...
208
00:08:50,108 --> 00:08:51,158
Jim Abbott.
209
00:08:53,596 --> 00:08:54,555
Jealous.
210
00:08:54,892 --> 00:08:55,845
Jealous.
211
00:08:56,121 --> 00:08:56,952
Hero.
212
00:08:57,291 --> 00:08:58,537
Suspiciously quiet
213
00:08:58,662 --> 00:09:01,324
during this conversation
about number of sex partners.
214
00:09:01,449 --> 00:09:02,249
Hero.
215
00:09:02,647 --> 00:09:05,459
It's the grand total.
That's the only number that matters.
216
00:09:05,631 --> 00:09:07,841
- Says who?
- Matthew Panning,
217
00:09:08,142 --> 00:09:10,885
the stud of Port Richmond
Middle School.
218
00:09:11,587 --> 00:09:15,428
Stinson, you're such a dweeb-o. I bet
you never even done it with a girl.
219
00:09:15,599 --> 00:09:16,935
Neither have you.
220
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:19,352
How many times do I have
to explain this?
221
00:09:19,477 --> 00:09:21,107
I've done it with 100 girls.
222
00:09:21,232 --> 00:09:24,032
They're seventh graders at my
cousin's school on Long Island.
223
00:09:24,157 --> 00:09:27,315
You know what, Matthew?
Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200.
224
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,111
Call me when that happens.
225
00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:34,635
And call him I will.
226
00:09:35,899 --> 00:09:38,243
I think he's gonna say it
again really slow.
227
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:40,325
Call him...
228
00:09:41,661 --> 00:09:42,610
I will.
229
00:09:44,837 --> 00:09:48,216
You listed Gaby Allan twice,
as 78 and 162.
230
00:09:48,541 --> 00:09:50,967
What? Let me see. Seventy...
231
00:09:51,747 --> 00:09:53,328
Once.
Oh, my God.
232
00:09:54,365 --> 00:09:56,705
Wait a... I counted
the same girl twice?
233
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,931
That means I'm only at one 198?
234
00:09:59,503 --> 00:10:03,060
That only means that you're half
a percent less gross than we thought.
235
00:10:03,410 --> 00:10:06,195
I'm seducing a Czech supermodel
in two hours.
236
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,518
I can't squander that on 199.
237
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,600
Petra has to be 200.
238
00:10:12,725 --> 00:10:15,658
What are you going to do? It's not
like you're going to find someone new
239
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,708
to have sex with
in the next two hours
240
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,779
Barney Stinson, millionaire astronaut.
Want to come back to my place
241
00:10:20,904 --> 00:10:22,520
- and see some moon shells?
- Go away.
242
00:10:22,645 --> 00:10:25,048
I just got back from my
wife's grave. Put her in the ground
243
00:10:25,173 --> 00:10:26,675
a year ago today. Man, I miss her.
244
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,805
- I sure could use some comfort.
- You're creepy.
245
00:10:28,930 --> 00:10:30,669
Man, aren't you sick
of all the games?
246
00:10:30,794 --> 00:10:33,970
I just want to settle down and have
a gaggle of rug rats, like, right now.
247
00:10:34,095 --> 00:10:36,718
I have Mace, and I enjoy using it.
248
00:10:40,142 --> 00:10:43,267
Knowing how important this is to me, do
you think Lily would even consider...
249
00:10:43,392 --> 00:10:45,129
And by the way,
I would do all the work...
250
00:10:45,254 --> 00:10:46,804
I will end your life.
251
00:10:52,806 --> 00:10:54,860
Where'd Barney go?
It's been over an hour.
252
00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:57,651
You know, looking over
the names on this list,
253
00:10:57,776 --> 00:10:59,934
I'm not sensing
a lot of ethnic diversity.
254
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:01,951
He should really
look at that in himself.
255
00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:06,372
All done.
256
00:11:06,738 --> 00:11:08,972
199 done, one more to go.
257
00:11:09,097 --> 00:11:10,831
Hey, you done with your drink?
258
00:11:13,253 --> 00:11:14,653
There's the stuff.
259
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,243
What the hell happened to you?
260
00:11:18,368 --> 00:11:20,721
So... there's this girl at my gym...
261
00:11:21,003 --> 00:11:23,472
Pauline. She's been after me
for some time.
262
00:11:23,644 --> 00:11:26,642
- Why'd you wait until now?
- She's not exactly my type.
263
00:11:27,222 --> 00:11:29,062
Looking good, Pauline.
264
00:11:29,234 --> 00:11:31,044
You are gonna rip it up at the
265
00:11:31,169 --> 00:11:34,067
Women's Pumping Iron Classic
in Sarasota this fall.
266
00:11:38,651 --> 00:11:40,194
So... I was thinking...
267
00:11:40,912 --> 00:11:42,339
about you and me...
268
00:11:43,474 --> 00:11:45,709
and if you're still interested...
269
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:49,198
Okay, blondie,
time for Mama's cardio!
270
00:11:51,006 --> 00:11:52,212
Every inch of her
271
00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:54,504
tasted like roast beef and creatine.
272
00:11:56,844 --> 00:11:57,994
But I did it.
273
00:11:58,119 --> 00:12:01,487
I did it and I still have 30 minutes
before I'm supposed to meet Petra.
274
00:12:01,612 --> 00:12:04,139
Robin, do you have any concealer
handy? I'd really like to
275
00:12:04,264 --> 00:12:06,098
cover up some bruises
and razor burn.
276
00:12:08,837 --> 00:12:10,811
I hate to break this to you, but...
277
00:12:10,984 --> 00:12:12,519
- What?
- Well...
278
00:12:12,867 --> 00:12:15,817
you did count
Gaby Allan twice, but...
279
00:12:16,188 --> 00:12:18,467
you also went from 138 to
280
00:12:18,592 --> 00:12:20,696
138. You used the same number twice.
281
00:12:21,184 --> 00:12:22,834
Wait, so, that means...
282
00:12:23,278 --> 00:12:25,952
Pauline wasn't 199 Pauline was 200?!
283
00:12:26,372 --> 00:12:27,578
Congratulations!
284
00:12:29,353 --> 00:12:33,099
That was supposed to be Petra!
Petra was supposed to be 200!
285
00:12:33,224 --> 00:12:36,462
Gorgeous, feminine, doesn't wear
a weight belt in bed, Petra!
286
00:12:37,286 --> 00:12:39,548
Come on. You made it to 200.
287
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,184
You should be proud.
288
00:12:41,309 --> 00:12:43,887
You should be tested
but you should be proud.
289
00:12:44,432 --> 00:12:47,348
Who cares if Pauline doesn't pose
for bikini pictures in magazines?
290
00:12:47,732 --> 00:12:48,969
Actually, she does.
291
00:12:49,094 --> 00:12:51,974
She's gonna be in next week's issue
of Muscle Sexxy.
292
00:12:52,099 --> 00:12:54,440
And like many of the ladies
in that magazine,
293
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,808
Sexxy has two X's and one Y.
294
00:12:59,428 --> 00:13:01,174
And so, on my way to get a bagel,
295
00:13:01,299 --> 00:13:03,503
I stopped at a newsstand
for a full minute
296
00:13:03,628 --> 00:13:06,003
to check out a picture
of Barney's 200th.
297
00:13:07,610 --> 00:13:10,747
If I hadn't done that, I would've
walked right by the newsstand,
298
00:13:10,918 --> 00:13:14,092
cut down 77th and gotten
to that corner a minute early.
299
00:13:14,217 --> 00:13:16,857
I would've gotten the bagel,
done some work,
300
00:13:16,982 --> 00:13:19,131
and you kids might never
have been born.
301
00:13:19,485 --> 00:13:22,879
Now, why did I cut down 77th,
and give a dollar to the homeless guy?
302
00:13:23,004 --> 00:13:24,004
Here's why.
303
00:13:24,129 --> 00:13:26,973
Back when Marshall first started
working at Goliath National Bank...
304
00:13:29,034 --> 00:13:30,658
Fran, I don't mean to bother you
305
00:13:30,783 --> 00:13:33,447
but I have a big presentation
tomorrow and it would really help
306
00:13:33,572 --> 00:13:35,945
if I could get like some
charts and graphs made up.
307
00:13:36,070 --> 00:13:37,474
Could you help me with that?
308
00:13:37,599 --> 00:13:39,400
Honey, this is the
graphics department.
309
00:13:39,525 --> 00:13:41,624
We can make as many graphs,
as many charts
310
00:13:41,749 --> 00:13:44,114
in as many colors on as many kinds
of paper as you want.
311
00:13:48,356 --> 00:13:50,006
Frannie, Frannie, Fran.
312
00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:52,695
We are gonna have some fun.
313
00:13:53,042 --> 00:13:56,500
I've ranked the Presidents in order
of how dirty their names sound.
314
00:13:56,985 --> 00:13:58,525
One: Johnson.
315
00:13:59,012 --> 00:14:00,504
Two: Bush.
316
00:14:01,004 --> 00:14:02,469
Three: Harding.
317
00:14:02,806 --> 00:14:04,258
Four: Polk.
318
00:14:05,858 --> 00:14:06,926
This circle
319
00:14:07,051 --> 00:14:09,514
represents "People
Who Are Breaking My Heart..."
320
00:14:10,262 --> 00:14:11,549
and this circle
321
00:14:11,822 --> 00:14:15,172
represents "People
Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily."
322
00:14:15,878 --> 00:14:17,528
And where they overlap,
323
00:14:18,657 --> 00:14:19,709
Cecilia.
324
00:14:22,218 --> 00:14:25,404
This is a pie chart
describing my favorite bars.
325
00:14:28,204 --> 00:14:32,063
And this is a bar graph
describing my favorite pies.
326
00:14:39,151 --> 00:14:40,295
What's going on?
327
00:14:40,467 --> 00:14:41,832
Enough with the charts.
328
00:14:41,957 --> 00:14:43,407
And the graphs.
329
00:14:43,532 --> 00:14:46,403
Really any visual
representation of data.
330
00:14:47,830 --> 00:14:49,126
I'm not an idiot.
331
00:14:49,251 --> 00:14:50,168
Okay...
332
00:14:51,037 --> 00:14:54,337
I know how you guys feel
about my charts and my graphs.
333
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:57,642
As a matter of fact, I've made a chart
of your reaction to my charts.
334
00:14:57,767 --> 00:15:00,189
Let's take a look.
Yes, it is true,
335
00:15:00,361 --> 00:15:04,121
since Cecilia, your interest in my
charts has been steadily dropping.
336
00:15:04,246 --> 00:15:07,766
But, based on recent trends,
I have also made...
337
00:15:08,553 --> 00:15:10,241
A projection chart!
338
00:15:10,412 --> 00:15:11,462
And look...
339
00:15:11,872 --> 00:15:15,616
huge spike in interest coming! And
this isn't just some dead cat bounce.
340
00:15:15,741 --> 00:15:18,959
This is big sustainable growth
over the long term.
341
00:15:19,129 --> 00:15:21,002
You're a big sustainable growth.
342
00:15:24,343 --> 00:15:26,796
So, I have prepared a few charts
343
00:15:27,304 --> 00:15:30,856
to... demonstrate how setting up
a shell corporation in Bermuda
344
00:15:30,981 --> 00:15:33,222
could help minimize our
second quarter losses.
345
00:15:34,517 --> 00:15:36,141
And save you all some jail time.
346
00:15:37,964 --> 00:15:39,316
To begin with...
347
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:46,528
Could you just please excuse me?
348
00:15:51,445 --> 00:15:54,118
- Mosbius Designs.
- What the hell happened to my charts?
349
00:15:54,289 --> 00:15:56,204
- We threw them away.
- What?!
350
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:57,972
That's how an intervention works.
351
00:15:58,097 --> 00:16:00,749
You wouldn't stop using,
so we flushed your stash.
352
00:16:00,921 --> 00:16:03,553
Come on, Ted!
I need my charts, man!
353
00:16:03,678 --> 00:16:06,487
Just for today and then I promise
I will never ever use charts again.
354
00:16:06,612 --> 00:16:09,049
I'm under at lot of pressure here.
I need my charts, Jack!
355
00:16:10,193 --> 00:16:11,760
You're doing charts at work?
356
00:16:12,086 --> 00:16:14,075
They're for work, you idiot!
357
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,877
I'm giving a big
presentation right now
358
00:16:16,002 --> 00:16:18,174
and if I don't have those charts
I'm gonna get fired!
359
00:16:18,299 --> 00:16:19,099
Crap.
360
00:16:19,375 --> 00:16:21,437
Okay... stay right there.
I'll bring them to you.
361
00:16:21,608 --> 00:16:24,481
Hurry up! I'll try to think
of a way to stall them.
362
00:16:25,562 --> 00:16:26,612
Hi, okay...
363
00:16:27,349 --> 00:16:30,321
I'm sorry but there's been a little
delay with the charts. But we will...
364
00:16:30,998 --> 00:16:32,948
get started in just a minute.
365
00:16:39,036 --> 00:16:40,539
Fish are weird, right?
366
00:16:41,346 --> 00:16:42,266
I mean...
367
00:16:42,391 --> 00:16:43,891
what's up with fish?
368
00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:51,990
Charts! Get your charts here!
369
00:16:55,355 --> 00:16:56,736
Excuse me, Milt?
370
00:16:56,861 --> 00:16:58,512
I think those are my charts.
371
00:16:58,821 --> 00:16:59,971
These charts?
372
00:17:00,096 --> 00:17:01,180
On my blanket?
373
00:17:01,305 --> 00:17:03,798
That's also my blanket.
We'll get to that later.
374
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:05,439
But I really need these charts.
375
00:17:05,611 --> 00:17:07,446
Oh, good, 'cause they're for sale.
376
00:17:07,863 --> 00:17:09,068
Fine, how much?
377
00:17:10,436 --> 00:17:11,654
One million dollars.
378
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,990
- I'll give you five bucks.
- A million dollars.
379
00:17:15,613 --> 00:17:18,160
No one's gonna pay
a million dollars for these charts!
380
00:17:19,291 --> 00:17:20,788
One million dollars.
381
00:17:20,959 --> 00:17:22,459
Okay, Milt, you win.
382
00:17:23,863 --> 00:17:25,834
I'm gonna give you
one million dollars.
383
00:17:26,737 --> 00:17:27,837
Urinating...
384
00:17:28,354 --> 00:17:30,173
The problem is, the ATM...
385
00:17:30,341 --> 00:17:31,840
The alien time machine.
386
00:17:32,258 --> 00:17:34,004
The alien time machine
387
00:17:34,129 --> 00:17:36,926
has a withdrawal limit.
So, here's what I'm gonna do.
388
00:17:37,051 --> 00:17:38,923
I'm gonna give you one dollar
389
00:17:39,048 --> 00:17:39,848
a day
390
00:17:40,356 --> 00:17:42,112
for a million days.
391
00:17:43,582 --> 00:17:44,532
That's...
392
00:17:45,370 --> 00:17:47,064
That's 2700 years.
393
00:17:48,511 --> 00:17:49,316
Deal!
394
00:17:49,690 --> 00:17:50,690
All right!
395
00:17:52,657 --> 00:17:53,507
Sucker.
396
00:17:54,408 --> 00:17:57,627
I'm sorry, is there a land bass
I don't know about?
397
00:18:01,772 --> 00:18:02,871
Let's get started.
398
00:18:02,996 --> 00:18:05,541
And so, if I hadn't bought
those charts back for Marshall,
399
00:18:05,712 --> 00:18:08,951
I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th
to give Milt his daily dollar
400
00:18:09,076 --> 00:18:10,976
and well, you know the rest.
401
00:18:11,326 --> 00:18:13,078
So, there you have it, kids.
402
00:18:13,203 --> 00:18:16,328
There's a lot of little reasons
why the big things in our lives happen.
403
00:18:16,453 --> 00:18:19,141
If I had known then where all those
little things were leading me,
404
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,218
and how grateful
I'd be to get there,
405
00:18:21,343 --> 00:18:22,143
well,
406
00:18:22,481 --> 00:18:24,583
I probably would've done something
407
00:18:24,708 --> 00:18:25,708
like this.
408
00:19:05,208 --> 00:19:08,589
Because somehow, I ended up
in the right place at the right time.
409
00:19:09,092 --> 00:19:10,442
And, as a result,
410
00:19:10,879 --> 00:19:12,900
my life would've never be the same.
411
00:19:28,388 --> 00:19:31,296
The next day, Uncle Barney
finally confronted Matthew Panning,
412
00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:33,460
the stud of Port Richmond
Middle School.
413
00:19:33,585 --> 00:19:34,793
So, Barney,
414
00:19:35,020 --> 00:19:37,686
great to hear from you after all
this time. What's been going on?
415
00:19:37,811 --> 00:19:39,593
I've had sex with 200 women.
416
00:19:42,283 --> 00:19:44,424
God! That's way too many.
417
00:19:44,803 --> 00:19:46,600
I mean, that's just gross.
418
00:19:46,874 --> 00:19:48,868
Have you sought counseling
for sex addiction?
419
00:19:48,993 --> 00:19:50,562
Because you're a prime candidate.
420
00:19:50,733 --> 00:19:53,023
Have you sought counseling for
I win you lose?
421
00:19:54,424 --> 00:19:56,906
Suddenly those 100 girls
you nailed in the seventh grade
422
00:19:57,031 --> 00:19:58,445
aren't so impressive.
423
00:19:58,762 --> 00:19:59,762
100 girls?
424
00:20:00,121 --> 00:20:02,616
Is that what this is about?
Barney, I lied.
425
00:20:03,175 --> 00:20:04,325
Sure you did.
426
00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:06,604
I was 12, of course I was lying.
427
00:20:07,166 --> 00:20:08,914
I didn't have a pet Ewok either.
428
00:20:09,268 --> 00:20:10,290
Sure you didn't.
429
00:20:11,272 --> 00:20:13,972
Your whole adult life
has been built around
430
00:20:14,097 --> 00:20:16,672
something I lied about
when I was 12?
431
00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:18,382
Jealous?
432
00:20:18,553 --> 00:20:21,253
Look, I gotta go pick
my kids up at school.
433
00:20:21,751 --> 00:20:24,222
It sounds like you got
a lot of problems.
434
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,727
Good luck, I guess.
435
00:20:28,098 --> 00:20:29,198
I'm awesome.
436
00:20:32,474 --> 00:20:33,274
200.
437
00:20:35,113 --> 00:20:36,063
Now what?
33202
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