All language subtitles for Frasier - 8x08 - Mary Christmas.HDTV.NoTV.en

We've got a minute
before we go to the news.

l understand we have Tom
from Fremont on line one.

Go ahead, Tom.

TOM [OVER PHONE]: l don't
want to be squeezed into a minute.

l will go on after the news.

Well, why don't you tell me
your problem now

and then l can give you my reply
when we come back?

No, l'll wait.

Very well.

- Roz, who else do we have?
- We have Brian on a car phone.

Ah.

Go ahead, Brian, l'm listening.

BRlAN:
For what, 30 seconds? l'll wait too.

All right, then.
l guess l'll just use the time myself.

''Giddap, giddap, let's go

to the Seattle Christmas parade
this Saturday,

broadcast live on Channel 6 TV

and hosted by Kelly Kirkland
of Channel 6's Kelly and Cal Show. ''

You know, l must say,
that Kelly Kirkland is a real treasure.

She's sincere and charming

and, well, just about as likeable
as sunshine.

We'll be right back.

- Are you okay?
- Huh? Well, of course. Why?

l was afraid with all that sucking up,
you might have burst a lung.

That is very funny, Roz.

You see, Kelly's looking for a new
co-host for the parade this year.

l was hoping it might be me.

l've watched that parade
since l was a child

and this is my chance
to become a part of it.

- She did that with her husband.
- l guess you haven't heard.

See, she's discovered that Cal's been
having an affair with her cue-card girl.

How'd she catch him?

She find a giant love letter
in his pocket?

[CHUCKLlNG]

Hey, Frasier, guess who.

Mary Thomas, well...

Hello, Mary.
Roz, you remember Mary.

She and l briefly co-hosted
my show last year.

Of course l remember.

l listen to your show
on KAZW all the time.

Well, thank you so much.

And just for that,
here's a copy of my new book.

- And, Frasier, here's one for you too.
- Oh, well...

''Cornbread for the Soul
by Dr. Mary.''

l see you're still identifying yourself
as a doctor.

But now it's true.
You read the inside cover.

''Dr. Mary has healed thousands
of Seattle radio listeners

and is a summa cum laude graduate
of the school of hard knocks.''

Yes.

Well, Mary, l hate to quibble about
things like accreditation and such--

Whoa, it's like the American
Medical Association in here.

So isn't this great?
Dr. Mary's coming back to KACL.

- Oh, hey, congratulations.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Yes, congratulations indeed.
l must have missed that memo.

She was doing so great in the ratings
we had to steal her back.

l thought doctors
took an oath not to hurt anybody.

You were killing us.

Aren't you sweet?
You give me some sugar.

l hope you're all right.

Last time you weren't thrilled
about working together.

This time we'll have separate shows.
Not like we're gonna be sharing a mike.

- We won't be sharing a mike, will we?
- Of course not.

We're giving Mary
the morning-drive shift.

Oh. Well...

The shift with the biggest audience
and the best demographics.

But don't you worry, l'll be promoting
your show every single day.

ls this woman not generous?

- Give me some sugar.
- No, baby, you already got yours.

But here's a book for you.
And Merry Christmas to all.

KENNY:
Merry Christmas.

What the hell's wrong with you?

- Hey.
- Oh. Niles.

l hope you had the presence of mind
to bring presents of mine.

l haven't heard that line
since last year.

But then,
Christmas is the season for chestnuts.

What's all the food for?

Well, Kelly Kirkland's coming over.
l'm trying to make a good impression.

You see, l'm doing my best
to charm my way into that parade job.

What is it with you and this parade?

Oh, Niles, don't you remember
when we were kids?

We'd sit on the couch,
we'd cradle our cocoas

and stay up late
to watch our holiday hosts:

Bob Vernon
and Sergeant Michelle...

- The traffic lady.
- The traffic lady.

Oh, l haven't thought about them
in years.

You know, to me, that was always
the official beginning of Christmas.

And now this is my chance
to usher in the season

for a whole new generation.

- l loved Sergeant Michelle.
- Yeah.

Every time l cross against the light,
l feel l'm letting her down.

[FRASlER CHUCKLlNG]

- All right, what is that fetid smell?
- Oh, oh, that's the food.

l'm preparing dishes that have been
featured on Kelly's show.

[BELL DlNGS]

Oh, Lord,
that will be my Hobo Casserole.

Hobo. That's the smell.

- Hey, Niles.
- Hello, Daphne.

So where are we going
for dinner tonight?

Oh. Well, it's your pick.
Although, word on the street has it

that Chez du Mont has the most
delectable Hudson Valley foie gras.

Niles, you're spoiling me.

All this food's gonna start
catching up with my figure.

No, not you, my little hummingbird.
Never.

You're as sweet as a chocolate souffl�.
Let's get some of those tonight.

Well, that's it.

l knew l should have stockpiled
Ballantines

as soon as they stopped making it.

Now l can't find a single can.

Christmas is ruined.

Christmas is about
more than beer, Mr. Crane.

Yeah. And this year's extra special
because Daphne and l are together.

Well, that's true.
No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith.

Maybe l won't need beer
this Christmas.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

- That's Kelly. Showtime.
NlLES: Oh.

FRASlER: Ah, Kelly.
- Hi, Frasier.

Gosh, you know, l haven't seen you

since the Broadcasters
Against Litter march.

- l think we really made a difference.
- lndeed we did.

Now, please, come on in.
l'd like you to meet my brother, Niles,

- and his girlfriend, Daphne.
- Hello.

Hello.

Do l smell Hobo Casserole?

Yes. Close your eyes,
it's like you're under a railroad bridge.

Yes, off you go.

So you know about Hobo Casserole.

Well, l make it on my show.

You know, l get so many of my recipes
from your show

that l've forgotten which are mine
and which are yours.

Ah! Now, don't tell me
that's potato-chip salad.

Uh-oh.

This is embarrassing.

- So you really are a fan of the show.
- Guilty.

l especially admire your work
on the Christmas parade.

- You really want this, don't you?
- Oh, gosh, l do. l really do.

l must admit it. ln fact, l'd be willing
to audition for you right now.

- Frasier, now, that's not necessary.
- Kelly, Kelly, please, l'd like to.

Listen, l examined
the parade schedule

and l have taken the liberty
of preparing a few ad libs,

if you would indulge me
in one or two?

Okay.

Say, Kelly, have you ever seen
80 beavers march in perfect rhythm?

Oh, Frasier, everyone knows
beavers can't march.

Oh, they can.

When they're the Marching Beavers
of the Riverside High School band.

Hey, you tricked me.

Sorry, Kelly. But how about
those incredible formations?

- They're so precise.
- Well, that doesn't surprise me, Fras.

After all,
the beaver is nature's first engineer.

That's nice banter.

Well, Seattle,
thank you for your calls.

Seattle, thank you for your calls.

Hey, Frasier, what are you doing
over the Christmas weekend?

Well, Roz,
if you insist on interrogating me,

l'll be co-hosting the Seattle
Christmas Parade tomorrow night

on Channel 6 with the lovely
and talented Kelly Kirkland.

l hope it'll be the beginning
of a new holiday tradition.

Good mental health, Seattle.
See you at the parade.

[FRASlER CHUCKLlNG]

- Hey, doc.
- Oh.

Sure wish you hadn't done
that little promo.

Why? Kelly told me l had the job.
Her word is good enough for me.

- l've got some bad news.
- l knew l couldn't trust that woman.

And after l had her to my home
for that hillbilly buffet.

She's got food poisoning.

She'll be laid up for days.

Oh. Tough blow.

l'm nothing if not a team player.
l'll do the parade myself.

Boy, you really know
how to land on your feet, doc.

- But you're still gonna have a co-host.
- Uh-huh.

There's nothing official yet,
but a few names are floating around.

[SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

l'll let you know if l hear anything.

Well, anyway, happy holidays, Duke.
Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait, l almost forgot.

Guess who's hosting
the Christmas parade tonight.

That would be sweet.

No, it's Frasier.

- Okay. See you, Duke.
- Well, Dad,

- how do l look?
- Well, a smile would help.

l know. lt's just that this whole
Mary thing's got me kind of upset.

That woman grew up in Seattle.
She's never seen that parade.

lt's a sacrilege. God, you know,
this event, it's an institution.

lt carries with it a tradition
of pride and pageantry

and old-fashioned good times.

You know, that's not bad.
l think l might open with it.

- Hey, Frasier, good luck tonight.
- Thanks, Niles.

We'll be watching.

Hey, maybe
you could say hi to us on the air.

For God's sake, Daphne,
this is not some sort of a home movie.

This event carries with it a tradition
of pride, pageantry

and old-fashioned good times.

Eh, no, l don't like it.

Maybe l'll heat up some cider
for the parade.

- Ooh, sounds good to me. Dad?
- l guess.

The parade just won't be the same
without Ballantine.

ls anything the same to you
without Ballantine?

Well, sure, lots of stuff.

No, not really.

Christmas is days off, but Daphne and
l were wondering if it wouldn't be good

for you to open
one of your presents early.

No, that would be cheating.

No opening presents
till Christmas morning.

Are you sure?

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Well, you know,
l guess one wouldn't hurt,

but l'm not doing this
by myself though.

- You two gotta open something too.
- What do you think?

- One wouldn't hurt.
NlLES: All right.

This is for you.

- And that's yours.
- Thank you.

- Got something?
NlLES: Yes.

All right. Good.

Oh, ho, ho. l knew it.
Thank you so much.

Just-- How'd you keep it cold?

l hid it in the vegetable crisper.
l knew you'd never look there.

Oh, Niles, they're exquisite.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

And you got me... Oh.

Ooh.

[GASPS]

Batteries! Thank you.

You opened the wrong package.
You were supposed to open this one.

Oh, no, no, l can't open another one.
That's not fair.

Well, you know,
if we all open one more,

that would make it even.

- Sounds fair.
- All right, but that's it.

- Yes, no more.
- Yeah.

[MARCHlNG BAND PLAYlNG]

Merry Christmas, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane--

And Dr. Mary.

--welcoming you to the 42nd
annual Seattle Christmas parade.

Yes. First off, we wanna wish
Kelly Kirkland a speedy recovery.

lndeed. And may l say,
it's an honour to be sitting here

in the very chairs
that were once occupied

by the legendary Bob Vernon
and his co-host Sergeant Michelle,

that started this tradition
so many years ago.

And here comes our first float,
Frosty the Snowman.

You know, Mary,
historically speaking,

the first float was probably
the Trojan horse,

which was a gift
to the people of Troy.

Once brought inside the city walls,
however,

they discovered it was filled
with Greek soldiers

who slaughtered their Trojan enemies
in the street.

Of course, modern floats
have come a long way since then.

We hope.

Well, this float comes to us as a gift

from Seattle's sister city,
Managua, Nicaragua.

Well, you know,
l like the way that sounds.

Managua, Nicaragua.

Sounds like the name
of a fine Latino man.

Would you like to dance, Dr. Mary?
Yes, l would, Managua Nicaragua.

Shake that cute
little Costa Rica for me.

For more information,
here's float reporter Mike.

And we're clear.

- This is fun. lsn't this fun?
- Yes, but you know, Mary,

maybe we should try
sticking to the script.

The more we improvise,
the less professional we look.

Oh, okay, l'm sorry.

Hey, Mary, great ad libbing.
More of that.

Frasier, try to loosen up.
We're back in five, four, three...

As you can see, Mary, this enormous
stocking is overstuffed with presents.

l'd like to tear into one of those gifts
right now.

FRASlER: Well, not until
Christmas morning, Mary.

You know, in my house,
we don't even shake the boxes.

We're going to need
some wrapping paper.

- There's a couple of rolls in my room.
- l'll get the tape.

And this is the fifth float sponsored
by a local software company.

Hey, those guys on that giant laptop
are throwing candy canes.

Yes, Mary,
at a hundred and fifty feet,

it certainly is the largest float
in the parade.

Hey, throw some
of those candy canes over here.

Come on, come on,
put some muscle into it, you nerds.

Now, Mary,
let's not disparage the good--

MARY:
Ow! Oh.

Thanks. Thank you.

This might be a good time
for a break.

But we have an exciting surprise
coming up,

a special mystery guest.

lt's Santa.

[CROWD CHEERlNG]

Thank you, Mary.

And we're clear.

- l think l'm gonna go get some air.
- But we're outside.

l'm gonna stretch my legs.

Hey, Frasier, thanks for the tickets.
Alice is having a great time.

Well, l'm glad somebody is.
Mary is ruining my parade.

Do you know this has been called
nice banter

by a top parade professional?
Does anybody get to hear it? No.

lnstead,
Mary prattles on endlessly

as if every idea in her head
is worth saying out loud.

She is totally unpredictable.

Now, Santa's coming up
and l prepared a really cute bit

and l know
she's gonna ruin that too.

Look, if you tell her how important it is,
l'm sure she'll back off.

- She's a reasonable person.
PRODUCER: Fifteen seconds.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

l've let you have free rein
over the parade this evening.

Could l please do
the Santa interview myself?

- Of course, of course.
- Thank you, thanks.

PRODUCER: And cue.
- And we're back.

l see someone special
getting off his sleigh.

SANTA: Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.

Well, hello, young man.

Some call him Saint Nick,
others Kris Kringle.

ln Holland,
he's affectionately known--

SANTA:
Oh, you must be Dr. Mary.

You know,
l've been meaning to call your show.

My elves always seem to get
a little blue when the work is done

and, well,
l thought maybe you could help.

Oh, Santa.

Santa, l've got some questions
over here for you.

Well, let's all see
if we can put our heads together

and come up with a solution.

Kids, do you think that Dr. Mary
can help Santa to cheer up his elves?

CROWD:
Yes!

Well, why don't you give them
some candy?

- Oh, now, that's a great idea.
- No, that's a terrible idea.

Your elves are probably suffering
from seasonal affective disorder.

Now, loading them up with sweets
will only aggravate the problem.

But Mary's right. Kids love candy.

Elves are not kids. They're tiny men.

- Well, if you want my opinion--
FRASlER: No, thank you, Mary.

We've been listening,

and frankly, there isn't room
left in our heads for another.

Now, if you would just
get back to the dais--

- l'm so sorry.
- What the hell's wrong with you?

- Look, l'm bleeding. l'm bleeding.
- lt was an accident.

- l'm dizzy.
FRASlER: Here. Sit down.

Cut to tape. l don't care what tape.
Find something.

What's wrong with you?
You attacked Santa Claus.

Well, it was an accident,
wasn't it, Mary? You saw it.

Oh, now you want my opinion.
Honey, you're on your own.

- Hello, Mary.
- Hello.

Any word on Santa?

Oh, he'll be all right.
They gave him a coagulant.

l'd like to apologise
for the way l acted toward you.

lt was rude and disrespectful.

Well, what did l do
to make you treat me that way?

Well, it's just that doing this parade
has been a dream of mine,

and it felt like
you were taking that away from me.

- What do you mean? We were a team.
- Oh, yeah.

l was the boring stiff guy
and you were the one everybody loved.

- Oh, come on, now.
- No, it's true, Mary.

This town has taken you into its heart
in a way that they never have with me.

l guess l'm a little jealous of that.

Oh, Frasier, if it helps, l forgive you.

You know, when you're not trying so
hard, you're kind of loveable yourself.

Really?

Would l be overstepping my bounds

if l were to ask
for some sugar right now?

Come on.

Merry Christmas, Frasier.

Merry Christmas, Mary.

- l'm gonna get on out of here.
- Right, right.

l'd offer to walk you,

but there's still some angry parents
in the parking lot.

- Oh. Okay.
- Bye-bye.

MAN: Excuse me.
- You can just sweep around me.

No, l wanna introduce myself.
l'm Bob Vernon.

Bo--

- Bob Vernon?
- That's right.

- Oh, it's an honour, sir.
- Thank you.

Say, you didn't watch the parade
this evening, did you?

l turned it off
when the smelling salts

started making Santa nauseous.

You know, Frasier,

l got off to a rather rough start
in this parade myself.

- You did?
- Mm. Oh, yes.

Now, Sergeant Michelle and l had
absolutely no rapport that first year.

- No.
- Well, frankly, she got on my nerves.

You know,
she wasn't a real sergeant.

No.

Listen, son,
try to lighten up on yourself.

You did some real nice work
out there today.

- Thanks.
- Good luck.

- Say, Mr. Vernon?
- Yeah?

ls there any chance

that you'd like to join me
in a little banter?

lt would be an honour.

[FRASlER MUMBLES
AND CLEARS THROAT]

Ah. Right here. Uh...

Say, Bob.

Have you ever seen 80 beavers
march in perfect rhythm?

Frasier, everyone knows
beavers can't march.

They can when they're
the Marching Beavers

of the Riverside High School
marching band.

Whoa, you tricked me.

Sorry, Bob, but how about those
incredible...?