All language subtitles for Only.Murders.in_.the_.Building.S03E05.WEB_.x264-TG

Oliver Putnam, long considered

New York's most un-land-able
bachelor, is in love.

That's right. This merchandise
is off the market, bruh.

Ah! Loretta. Whom you
have yet to ask out.

You're not supposed to be here.

There was someone in
his dressing room.

Whose lipstick is this?

I would imagine it
belongs to our killer.

You found my lipstick.

Charles-Haden Savage,
I'd be honored.

The answer is yes.

I would love to marry you!

This is a fun twist.

Ah, love!
You gotta love it.

Everywhere you
look, there it is.

But in the city
that never sleeps,

how do you really know who
the hell you're sleeping with?

People can conceal some
very dirty secrets.

Or fatally fatal flaws.

Everything's fine.

Joy's just loudly shattering sea
glass to put in her aquarium.

Sure, sure.

Uh, have you asked your new
fiancée about the lipstick yet?

Did she write "fucking pig"
on Ben's dressing room mirror?

Oh yeah.
No. But, I will.

Charles, you said you
would ask her two days ago.

Let us in. We can talk to her.

I am handling the
situation in my own time.

See, I told you he didn't need our help,

but I do. Does this scarf say,

"Loretta, I've loved you since
the first day I met you"?

I don't know what the scarf is saying,
but all I can see is a crayon box.

Ah. Well,
see, that's why

we always carry a backup.

- Thank you, Mabel.
- Charles,

I can calmly talk to Joy.

You know, investigator
woman to suspect woman.

She is not another Jan.
I... think. She could be

but it's important for me
to be able to interrogate

my murderous
girlfriend... fiancée...

Shit.

What about my hair?

Is it giving Karen...

or Cary Grant?

Hold on.

- Mabel Mora, are you going out on a date?
- Date?

No! I... No. No.

Tobert has a suspect
he has a lead on.

I'm meeting him for a stakeout,

and the place has a dress code.

- Well, it's a date.
- Yeah.

It's a stakeout! When
two totally platonic,

semi-professional
investigators wait together,

in an out-of-sight,
enclosed space,

and watch while a suspect
hopefully incriminates themselves,

while we hold in our pee for
hours

and eat stale Cheetos.

In a cocktail dress.

Look, I'm gonna
unmute your texts.

I'll be in the wings if
anything should go haywire.

I'll be okay.

Oy.

Is it possible you're sleeping
next to a lunatic, or a liar?

Sure, it is.

But I always tell people,
better lose your mind loving

than to live your life loveless.

It's been a while
since I dipped my quill

in a woman's ink pot.

Any new moves I
should know about?

Please don't make me
take the next one.

Joy, can you come
in here, please?

♪ Rapidly hums Wedding March ♪

♪ Here comes the bride,
all dressed in white ♪

♪ She's wearing a thong,
we hope that's not wrong ♪

♪ We're late to taste ♪

♪ Magnolia Bakery
wedding cakes ♪

- Charlie, you ready to go?
- Yeah!

Yeah. Hey, Joy!

Hey, this, uh, Ruby
Strippers lipstick?

- Uh-huh.
- Did I tell you where we found it?

It was backstage.

- Okay...
- Yeah. It was...

in Ben's
dressing room to be exact.

I mean, any clue how that
would've gotten there?

Hey, Brazzos.

Hang
up your badge, okay?

We're on hiatus.

Remember?

Yeah, b-but just for my case files,
how would it have gotten there?

Seriously, President McKinley?

This is your last strike!

President McKinley?

I always wanted to be
friends with a president,

but this one's an asshole.

You think I don't see what you're
doing, you slimy-finned terrorist?

I do not tolerate
bullies.

You're in solitary, POTUS.

Joy,

someone wrote a threatening
message on Ben's mirror with this.

Do you know anything about that?

Charles-Haden Savage.

Do you honestly think I had
something to do with Ben's death?

- Whoa!
- Happy engagement!

Ow!

Whoa! Charles, you gotta
get you to my Pilates guy.

And my face guy.

You got a little Shar-Pei
action going on there.

- Sazzmatazz!
- Almond Joy!

Oh...

You know, they say
a gift given in love

has the power to wipe
away any storm brewing.

It's an 18-piece fondue set.

- Oh, thank you.
- Aw, we missed ya, Sazzmanian Devil.

Well, Wile E. Joy-ote,

apparently not enough
for your new fiancé

to make me his
understudy in the play.

- Oh, well, I...
- I'm over it.

I'm doing stunts for
Bakula next week in LA.

Are you cheating
on me with Scott?!

Ooh.

Woo!

Do send Scotty my
love.

I miss his faith in me.

He never accuses me
of horrible things.

You know what, Charles?

You trust my palate, right?

I think that, uh, I can taste
test these cakes on my own.

You stay here with Sazz.

Maybe she wants to
be interrogated.

Ooh.

Okay, talk to mama.

- Oh! Oliver, you're here.
- Ah.

- I thought I heard someone.
- You're a vision.

Well...

Enchanté, ma chérie.

Oh. Welcome to my
slice of New York.

It's itty-bitty, but
it's, you know, it's...

- Oh! Mm-hmm.
- Art!

It's art.

Who are you?

I'm a woman
with a broken microwave.

Which is why I'm forced to
improvise with this...

prehistoric broiler that
I never use!

You do like pork chops
though, don't you?

Oh, sure. Love
solid food. Love...

chewing on a
chop.

Yeah.

You know, I zap a perfectly
pink one in my microwave.

- Yeah? Mm...
- But it's broken and now my timing,

- the temperature, all thrown off.
- C-Can I assist?

No, just, uh, pop
a squat, kumquat.

Oh.

So... unique.

What's this fun thing?

- Oh no! Don't open that! Don't do that!
- Oh!

S... I'm sorry. I didn't...

Didn't mean to jump the gun.

Dinner before
dessert, I always say.

Oh.

There you are.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You look fantastic.

Thanks. You also look, um...

Well, you know, I clean up.

So, we're here
because your suspect

likes swanky piano bars?

Oh, I already ordered
us some, uh, bites.

I wasn't sure what
your drink was.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a warm welcome...

Wait, what's going on?
Wh-Where's your lead?

Hey, cool cats.

I'm Johnny Jay, and I'm
gonna sing for you tonight.

♪ Just a song at twilight ♪

♪ When the lights are low ♪

Jonathan?

Howard's sweet
boyfriend is your guy?

Well, he was. I thought
he was a great suspect.

Ben's understudy?

Who else had more to gain
from him dying, you know?

But, I've been following
him around for a while now,

and all I could find out was that
he volunteers with Broadway Cares

and has this fantastic
weekly cabaret set.

- You've gotta be kidding me.
- No, seriously.

He did, uh, Somewhere Over The
Rainbow last week. I actually wept.

Let me get this straight. You
texted me saying you have a lead.

I text you saying
"tell me more."

You say "meet me
here," I'm here,

and now you're telling
me you don't have a lead.

You're just Jonathan's
biggest cabaret fan.

And now, I am on a date with
that cute girl from the armoire.

Okay, yes, I got
creative. Is that okay?

Mezcal old-fashioned.

Is my drink.

That I'm now gonna need.

Yes, ma'am.

Let's
unpack what just happened.

Safe space. Well,
safe-ish.

This is the Arconia.

Oh, abnormal amount of
death in this place.

By the way, are we sure that
the killer was after Ben,

- and not you, Charles?
- What?

Well, I've been
getting some vibes.

I also have my ham radio,

and there's chatter of people
wishing it was you instead of Ben.

- Me?!
- Anywhos,

what's going on with Joy?

And have you talked to
a therapist about it?

- I don't have a therapist.
- I know you don't.

It was always worth me asking,
'cause that big white head of yours?

Could use
a good shrinking.

Ah, Jan and I laugh about that.

- Jan?
- Whoa!

I should've
trigger-warned. Yes, yes.

I have continued
to see Jan, yes.

As in dating? She's a murderer.

Yeah.

You know, I guess it's
the, uh, stuntwoman in me.

I got the hots for
danger.

Anyway, it's a bit
hard behind plexiglass.

Or, as Jan calls it, sexi-glass.

There's only so much you can
do with a raised eyebrow,

a wet lip, and a sliver of tit.

God, you are tense, man.

Sazz.

- I'm worried that Joy is another killer.
- What?!

Joy?

We've known her for decades.

No, no, no, no, no.

You've got the case and the
engagement all mushed up.

You have to prove to yourself
Joy's not a murderer,

so you can go ahead
with the wedding.

No. I have to prove
Joy isn't a murderer,

so I can break up with her

and not be in fear for my
life like I was with Jan!

Charles, you are
suffering from MGDS:

Murderous Girlfriend
Derangement Syndrome.

It's rare. I invented it.

But it also means I
know the treatment.

Whoa. You know you got the
Rolls Royce of fish tanks here.

We're gonna play a game.

Cheers.

Cheers.

So glad we didn't waste our
money going to Le Cirque.

Yeah.

Hm...

Mm.

Mm...

It's so solid. So
fully formed, you know?

- Damn broiler. I'm just...
- No, it's just...

Oh, what the hell,
I'm just gonna...

Look at this.
That's what I'm gonna...

- Well...
- Wh-Why cut it?

Why not?

So good.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

So sorry!

Is that mine?! LORETTA:
Oh no, I'm so mortified!

Let me get you some
ice or something.

No, no, no, I don't... I-I
actually don't feel anything...

- You sure?
- No.

Oh God.

I love
that little snort you do.

- You do?
- Yeah,

I do. You're like
an adorable little piglet.

I played a pig in the
cruise ship production

of Charlotte's Web
once, in my 30s,

but I think I really
honed my snort

when I played Snowball
in a black box production

of, um, Animal Farm.

How many pigs have you played?

I
don't know.

Come on.

Fucking pigs. Fucking pi...

Hey, you know who was a
real fucking pig?

Ben Glenroy.

Let's toast to him.

- What's the matter?
- N-Nothing.

You just went white.

No, no, no, nothing. I just,
um, it's just those words.

Did you ever tell Ben that?

That he was a, how'd you
put it, a fucking pig?

Let's not talk about
Ben now. I mean...

Yes! No, no, no.
No, no, no, n...

No more Ben talk.
No more Ben. No Ben.

Just...

Did I just make things weird?

- No! No, no, no. No. Just...
- Yes.

You poor thing. Your tooth.

Do you trust me?

Huh?

Wanna get outta here?

I know just the place for this.

♪ Meet me tonight in dreamland ♪

Mm! Okay, so your drink
of choice, mezcal.

Your weather of choice, rain. And
your favorite time of day, night.

Not exactly a fount of
information, are you?

Hey, you got me here
under false pretenses.

I'm making you work
for it.

That's fair. So, um, Oliver
and Charles, what is that deal?

Are they, like, your
dads, your patrons,

your volunteer
work, what?

No! They're... my best buds.

Okay. That's rad.

But, like, what
do you talk about?

Murder, mostly.

And how to connect to Bluetooth.
We talk about that a lot.

So what do you say? Have
I earned a second round?

- Yes, ma'am?
- Two more, please.

Coming right up.

Alright, so who's in your crew?
And wildlife doesn't count.

Honestly, it's really
tough to stay in contact

with anybody when you're
constantly traveling.

And if you don't have a partner
to ground you, put down roots...

Is that something you want?

I think about it.

Welcome to "Commit
Or Be Committed!"

And tonight's
contestants are me,

in the role of Joy Payne,

makeup artist to the stars.

And playing opposite Joy,
you know him as Brazzos,

- Charles-Haden Savage!
- Hey.

Our first category...

is sexual relations.

Now,
remember. I'm Joy.

I
need sex twice a day,

three times on weekends!

Wrong answer!

Nothing wrong with a
supercharged sex drive, Charles.

Our next category is the future.

You are my future.

And I'll never, ever
leave you, Charlie. Ever!

Never! Never ever!

Well!
Our first green light.

Alright. You're up. Dig deep.

Joy has been this close to
my face for 30-plus years,

looking at every flaw and pore,

and she still wants to jump
my bones, often twice a day.

Now, isn't that the
behavior of a psychopath?

Mm, sounds like the behavior of
someone who loves you for you.

But I'm me.

Look at me. Is this the face
of someone who deserves Joy?

Ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding!

I think we have a diagnosis.

Charles-Haden Savage,

you're not afraid of
uppercase "J" Joy.

You're afraid of
lowercase "j" joy.

That's it.

That's my problem.

Now do you still think
she's capable of murder?

No, I was crazy
for thinking that.

No, you're not that complex. You do
need to stop being a scaredy cat.

Whoa.

Wow!

- Oh, my gosh.
- You know, it is truly amazing

that you can charter a yacht

in the greatest city on
Earth for four dollars.

Yeah.

Is there a destination?

- The tropics?
- You'll see.

Pick your poison.

Poison?

Or...

Hoo-wee!

Now, we're talking.

- Look, that joint has purple rolling paper.
- I know.

Groovy-doobie.

Do
you doobie, baby?

My 12th roommate, Babette Claus,

gave me this back in 1978.

- Wait, Babette? I-Is...
- Yeah.

Is that the chorus girl
that got struck by lightning

- skinny dipping in Central Park...
- Skinny dipping, Central Park Reservoir.

- I know... Mm-hmm.
- Oh my... Okay, this is... this is insane.

I rolled 10 joints for Babette

using a purple streamer
from Studio 54 that year.

- At Grace Jones'...
- Her 30th birthday party!

Yes!

- I was at that party! Yes, I was!
- No, you were not.

Oh, my God!

That's the only time I
ever got in there.

This is ridic... I can't believe
this. I think I rolled that joint.

- Now, spark it, baby!
- Wow.

So I guess... I guess we've been

running in the same
circles for a long time.

- Oh, yes.
- It's a shame our orbits never crossed.

Well, I may not have
been on your radar,

but you were certainly
on mine.

I would've killed to be in one of
your productions but...

something always
happened to screw it up.

Like my ponytail got stuck
in the subway doors once

on the way to audition
for your Merry Wives.

Oh, and then there was
the time Bernadette Peters

gave me a bottled water
that was laced with Valium.

And then I passed out
in the waiting room,

and I missed the chance
to be your Annie Oakley.

You made that all up,
didn't you?

Oh Jesus.

Dear God. Oh my...

Wow.

Yeah, but you know,
it is always something

just infuriatingly, um, banal.

Like, "your accent
is too authentic,"

o-or, "casting doesn't like
you," or... I don't know.

You know, when I was a kid,
they called me Lucky Durkin

because I won the school
raffle four times.

But, since then...

Some nickname that
turned out to be.

Maybe I'm just
cursed.

Or... it's probably...

what I deserve.

Oh, come on. What could you have
done to deserve being cursed?

Open your mouth.

That was super sexy.

Am I crazy?

I thi...

I think the gap is handsome.

Well, that might be the
40-year-old weed taking effect,

you know?

♪ There let my dreams... ♪

♪ Come true... ♪

God, I can't believe you
ever thought Jonathan was...

♪ A murdering man ♪

That's still not
a song, but cute.

So, what, you solved the first two
murders just on your first try, I presume?

Yeah, totally. Between
me, Charles, and Oliver,

it's just, like,
a one-day process.

Well, lucky for me, this one's
taking you a little bit longer.

Oh, there's Jonathan again.

Who's he hugging hello?

No! Don't look.
Don't draw attention.

Could Jonathan be...

No, he wouldn't cheat on Howard.

With who? There's
somebody? Describe him.

Well, he looks like he
should be in a limo.

Rider or driver, I can't tell.

That's your description?

- He's wearing a red coat and a cap.
- Huh.

Oh, now Jonathan's
handing him an envelope,

and the guy is giving
him a slip of paper?

Okay, this is killing me. I'm
just gonna come to that side,

- and we can both be watching.
- No!

- Sorry! Sorry. You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I think we should stay
down here for a second.

Yeah.

- Okay, I gotta look.
- No, no, no, don't.

You look, he'll
definitely see you.

I mean, unless we
do the classic move

from the secret spy movies
where the target looks,

and just sees two unassuming
secret agents making out.

Yeah, I don't think
that'll be necessary.

- They didn't see us.
- Well.

Ah, we should've done
the kissing thing.

What the hell?

We need to figure out who
this guy in the cap is.

Actually, I think
I do know that guy.

We were very tired.

We were very merry.

We had gone back and forth
all night on the ferry.

This is really...

really nice.

It is.

I'm sorry about earlier.

At my place.

I didn't mean to
get weird about Ben.

I just had an idea about tonight

and talking about a dead person
just didn't feel like the mood.

Well, it-it-it's alright
to talk about him.

You know, I mean it-it's quite
the thing we all went through.

- Yeah.
- It's just...

that was a very...

specific turn of
phrase you used.

"Fucking pig."

Yeah,
shit, because I...

I did call him that.

We had a fight.

Yeah.

Just half an hour before he
went on the stage that night.

He said that I was
obsessed with him,

and that, uh, I had wormed
my way into the show

and that he didn't really want to
share the stage with a no-name.

So, I... Yeah, I snapped.

"You fucking pig."

Let go of
me, you fucking pig!

The last thing I said to him...

before he collapsed. Ugh.

But I was...

far from the only person in that
theater who felt that way about him.

He was an asshole to everybody.

Even his...

kind-hearted brother.

But I'm really sorry you
didn't get your opening night.

Well, I'm sorry he
was terrible to you.

I adore you,

Loretta Lucky Durkin,

and everything about you.

Apart from that pork chop. I'll
never forgive you for that.

Here we are.

This is why I brought
you out on the ferry!

What?

Family tradition.

When I was a girl,
whenever I lost a tooth,

my mom would take me out
on the Mississippi River,

on the ferry boat and

when we got underneath a bridge,

we'd throw the tooth overboard

and make a wish.

The Tooth Fairy can swim?

- It's...
- Tooth ferry.

- Tooth ferry!
- Yeah.

- Okay, okay.
- I know, it's really corny.

Oh, I-I'm a...

- big fan of corny.
- Well, here's your tooth.

Right. Alright.

What'd you wish for?

♪ Gentle crescendo ♪

♪ music fades ♪

So who was he?

That was... Thank you. That
was Ben's private doctor.

One of those, uh,
celebrity concierge,

anything-you-need
prescription-filler types.

He's actually come to see Ben
a few times this past year.

Huh. You know what for?

Uh, they never let me in the room.
I just know they call him Dr. C.

Great, that's a
perfect combination

of mysterious and un-Googleable.

But what was he talking
to Jonathan about?

And if Jonathan was paying
him for something...

You are so cute
when you theorize.

We should get outta here.

Hey! I'm sorry you missed Sazz.

She asked me to give you a
playful punch on the arm,

but I don't wanna do that.
How'd the tasting go?

I brought back 20 samples,

so I wouldn't accidentally
leave a particular flavor behind

and have you give me the
third degree about it.

Oh, about that.

I-I'm sorry I gave you a
hard time about the lipstick.

I was backstage
on opening night.

Oh?

Howard summoned me
back there in a panic

because Ben had a
cosmetic emergency.

I don't know, I guess
somebody hit him in the face,

and left a big red mark,

- and it needed covering, which I did.
- Oh, wow.

I'm guessing that my lipstick fell out
of my clutch when I was back there.

But I didn't write on his mirror

because I didn't
kill Ben, Charlie.

Well, here's one I
never told anyone.

I may, uh... probably,

have been the
person who hit Ben.

Let go of me, you fucking pig!

What the hell's going on?

- He attacked me!
- No, I didn't...

We were rehearsing.
Stay out of it, fuckbag!

Hey!

Wait, you hit Ben?
The night he died?

And yet, for some reason,

you've been thinking that
I could be the killer?

Wh... For how long?

- Oh, not long at all.
- Oh.

I mean, at first, I was
like, "Joy? My Joy? No way!"

But then, Oliver and
Mabel weren't so sure.

Wh... You talked about this
with everyone else except me?

And you still proposed
thinking all this?

Well,
you know, funny story.

That was actually an accident.

Accident?

Well...

No. Not a... I mean,
it was, but then...

You didn't mean
to propose to me?

No, I didn't.

What?

Wow. Okay.

Gut punch.

So...

But...

Do you wanna marry me now?

I do! And it was great
that you left me with Sazz

because she did this thing
with the fish tank, and a quiz.

And it was like, uh,
"Is Joy a nymphomaniac?"

Do you hear yourself right now?

I think of all the years of you
in my makeup chair, Charlie.

Joking.

Little winks in the mirror.

That kick in your step
when you hopped up,

looking good to go to the set.

I always thought we had
something special, Charlie!

So I looked past all the stuff.

Your ego, your self-absorption,

your psoriasis elbows.

- You gave me a cream...
- It's not working!

You know, Charlie,

I've been trying to
have an open dialogue

about what we both want.

But I'm kidding myself to
think you're really ready

to open up to a woman
as open as I am.

I tried telling myself
you're gonna change,

but I think it might
be too late for you.

No.

It's not too late
because I have realized

you are Joy...

and joy.

And I can embrace both of you.

And I want to, Joy.

I do. I do.

Embrace this.

The engagement's off.

Only two other men
have seen this before.

I was pretty
confident going into tonight,

but I did not expect to get all
the way to the Murder Board.

- Wow, really?
- Due diligence.

You really know how to
make a guy feel special.

- May I?
- Uh, I...

don't know. I'm worried
about your handwriting.

You shouldn't be.

Well...

Look at us. Real-life
Rizzoli and Isles over here.

What are you doing?

Following the lead.

I may not be good at dinner...

But you excel at
dessert.

Shall I draw us a bath?

- You have one in here?
- Well, it's...

more of a glorified
barrel.

Sounds cozy-wozy.

I will say one
other thing about love.

There are times

when you've been totally blinded

by the mirage of
your own desires.

Hm.

And when the truth of
who you gave your heart to,

of who they really are

is suddenly staring
you right in the face?

It might be a sign that things
just aren't meant to be.

Or worse.

Oliver?

I'm waiting...