Original subtitles

Satan,

the Devil,

Lucifer,

Prince of Darkness,

Yanluowang,

Belial,

Abaddon,

Beelzebub,

Prince of Darkness.

¶

Beelzebub,

Belial,

Abaddon,

Satan,

the Devil,

Lucifer,

Beelzebub,

Belial,

Prince of Darkness.

Good morning.

Neil!

Eh?

What? Too daring?

Not if you're daring people to kick your ass.

It's called pea-cocking, bro.

Alright, females are attracted to bright colours.

How's it--

How's it working so far?

You know, it's working well.

You've got to play to your strengths.

Style and charm, you know what I mean.

You should play to yours,

you should bust out those panty dropping card tricks

that you never show anyone.

Girls don't like card tricks.

Are you kidding?

Of course they do.

No, they don't.

Yeah, they do.

Dude. According to Men's Health

females are 18 percent more likely to sleep with a guy

after seeing a card trick.

Really?

Yeah,

May 2010. Look it up.

Hey gorgeous.

Gorgeous, would you like to see a card trick?

Sure.

Alright, pick one and don't show me.

Now tear it up.

Can I have that back.

Give it to him.

Is this your card?

No, not even close.

Check your bra.

What?

Check your bra.

That's amazing, how did you do that?

I can't tell you.

She's coming back...

Oh my god, it's working!

Listen, I'm having a party at my house next weekend.

You should come.

That sounds amazing,

but I've got this church thing so...

Church thing.

Church thing...

No, no, no, no, no.

Neil just gets exhausted after a show,

you've got to give him a break.

[bell ringing]

What?

What the hell was that, man, church?

You're supposed to try to get in her pants, you know,

not convert her.

I know, I blew it.

You at least touched her boob.

I didn't.

Well, then how did you?

It was magic.

Are you magically touching a boob right now?

Hey Denise, he just totally felt up Cheryl.

Yeah, I know.

And so does Kent.

He's on a rampage, you'd better hide your ass.

Oh shit, oh shit, hurry up.

Over here.

Oh fuck.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

Where is that little shit?

Uh, the, uh...

Neil!

Neil, yeah Neil is you know Neil.

He put a card in my girlfriends bra,

I'm going to tear him in half like a phone book.

Open the door or I'll put you through it.

No, no, don't.

Uh, alright man just alright.

Matt, fuck.

What the fuck are you doing in there?

You jacking it?

Hey everyone, Neil's jerking off in the closet,

what a fucking gross little perv.

Eew!

Leave him alone, asshole.

Go.

Lets let him finish.

I don't know, wouldn't you rather be sleeping in

on the weekends?

It's only an hour a week and it makes our parents happy.

I fucking hate church, so lame.

Come on, put your robe on.

Wait, wait.

In Nomina Satanas.

(All): Hail Satan!

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan, and thank you Satan.

[slurps]

Brothers and sisters,

as the celebration of Astaroth approaches

it is time to ask ourselves why do we worship Satan?

Is it for the power he has promised us?

Is it to be on the winning side

at the final battle of Armageddon?

The worship of Satan allows us to eat freely

from the tree of knowledge, of good and evil.

It gives us the freedom to indulge our senses

in the pleasures of Earth, Heaven and Hell.

Jesus Christ.

[whispers] Blasphemy!

If we could have everybody's undivided attention?

Thank you.

Where was I.

Side of truth.

Oh yes, brothers and sisters

the worship of Satan is all of these things.

But most of all it is to be on the side of the truth.

Let the scales fall from your eyes

for God is the deceiver and Satan is the salvation.

Soon we will perform the celebration of Astaroth,

our young brother Neil will give himself over completely

to our Lord to foil the accursed forces of Heaven.

Hail Satan!

(All): Hail Satan!

Bring forth the offering.

[bah, bah, bah, bah]

Aw, look at the goat.

Lord, please accept this humble sacrifice.

I would totally trade places with that goat right now.

As a token of our faith.

Just keep watching.

In Nomina Satanas!

And remember, this Wednesday we're having a bake sale

to raise money for our bowling team and also the star

of our upcoming celebration of Astaroth ceremony,

Neil, is working so hard to prepare.

Lets show him our support.

[applause]

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Hey, so this talking during church thing.

Pretty fun, is it?

Mom, Dad, listen.

No, no, no, no, no.

I can actually see how joking and laughing

and embarrassing your family you know instead of

paying attention to the sermon could be a little entertaining.

Matt totally started it.

Okay, it's always Matt's fault huh?

Yes, actually it is.

Are you going to go through the rest of your life

never taking responsibility for your actions?

Huh?

Yeah.

Oh really.

Sheldon, hi, we were just talking about how sorry we are

for that interruption during the sermon.

I should certainly hope so.

You understand that next time it's quite a different story?

Yes sir.

How are the preparations going?

Oh, he's ready.

In fact, why don't you recite for them the names of our Lord.

Yes, do tell.

Tell us.

Lucifer, Affamet, Beezelbub.

That's Beelzebub.

Beelzebub, Belial, Abbadon.

There are over 40 of them you know.

You should take time to learn them.

There are such fabulous things in store for you.

Can I go?

We're all very excited for the ceremony.

So am I.

Should be fun.

So, you've kept him chaste?

Oh, that problem kind of took care of itself.

You know, I never got into trouble

until your family joined this church.

Yeah, and you never had any fun either.

Did you? Did you?

Get off me.

You know, I still just don't understand

this whole oath business.

Like, they made you lock up your dick

while they're all getting it on.

That doesn't make any sense, it's not fucking fair.

They're stealing the greatest part of your youth,

the hot steamy sexual part.

Why would you agree with something like that?

I'm not getting laid because I'm not allowed to,

what's your excuse?

Oh, I see, I see.

So, you're scared huh?

I'm not scared.

No, no?

You've got a little case of the vagaphobia.

I don't have vagaphobia.

Seriously though, you've just got to,

you've got to figure this shit out man.

Before it's too late.

Hey Dad.

Because really Neil, what we should be doing

is tripping over each others dicks to see

who can bag the most babes, you know?

Fuck something.

Anything.

That kids got problems.

Yeah, and that problem is you.

Bye Neil!

We just wanted to make sure that both of you

were spiritually prepared for what's going to happen.

Of course, it's a great honour.

It will all be over very quickly, right?

Oh, just as quick as I can make it my dear.

I can assure you that -

That the dagger plunges into the flesh swiftly, smoothly.

It sounds so painful.

No, no, no.

He'll feel a little pinch but for no more than an instant.

So, no pain.

No, there will be pain.

Extreme pain.

And blood, lots and lots of it.

I'm so sorry.

As I was saying this whole process is not only painless

but euphoric.

I have a crazy idea.

Why don't we just sit him down and explain everything to him,

that way he'll be prepared.

What are you going to tell him, okay,

that his best friend is going to have to mop him up

after the ceremony?

No. Shelly, come on.

He'll accept it.

He loves Satan.

Sheldon, I'm so sorry.

No, no, please please.

There's no reason to confuse the little fellow.

We don't have time for second thoughts.

If we don't perform the ritual

on the equinox of his 18th year

Jesus Christ will return and usher in a thousand years

of peace on Earth.

Is that what you want?

No.

I didn't think so.

So, my advice to you is to put your misgivings aside

and focus on the positive.

[horn]

Eat some cake.

Yeah, you should be enjoying your big night.

[horn]

Want some ice cream on that?

You should be eating like there's no tomorrow.

It's a clown, dad.

I'm 18.

Why don't you tell us what's wrong?

Is it a girl?

No.

Actually, yeah kind of.

Oh.

Did something happen?

I'm not going to bore you with the details.

You're going to look me in the eye

and you're going to answer me truthfully,

was there any physical contact?

No.

So, there was no intercourse?

Inter-- No.

And no oral?

Giving or receiving?

No.

What about anal?

Jesus, mom!

Answer your mother, was there anal?

No.

Okay, look, something happened that will ensure

I will never get laid in my whole life.

Son, look, you know you can talk to me about anything.

I didn't break my stupid oath, alright.

[sigh of relief]

Okay then.

The oath isn't stupid honey,

it's the whole reason you were born.

We were your age when I conceived and we just,

we didn't know what to do but Sheldon told us

that you had a special purpose.

Look, I'm sure you're going through

some pretty depressing teenage stuff right now.

Been there, done that, even I had a stupid haircut once

didn't I?

But you are representing our family and our church,

when it is all over you will have a fuller understanding

of what it is all about.

I've got to take a leak.

Gary, we need to tell him.

You know how he hates surprises,

if we just explain it to him.

Absolutely not!

He'll cause a scene, crying and kicking and screaming.

Do you want other people to see that?

Look, you heard , okay,

he has suffered enough humiliation, trust me.

We did not choose Neil's destiny.

He did.

[thunder and lightning]

Lucifer, Baphomet, Belial,

Abbadon, Beelzebub, Belial,

Prince of Darkness,

Lucifer, Baphomet, Belial,

Abbadon, Beelzebub...

I want you to know that it won't just be Neil

who will be rewarded for his sacrifice.

To a new era.

To a new era.

Thank you.

[bell tolls]

It's almost sundown, dear.

Oh, would you kindly excuse us?

Of course.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Lucifer, Baphomet, Belial,

Abbadon, Beelzebub, Belial.

I am so proud of you.

Thanks.

You've been such a good son.

There he is buddy, huh?

Man of the hour.

Listen, I heard that after the confirmation

you get to bone any woman you want

from within the congregation.

If it were me I'd go for Colette

and make her boyfriend fucking watch.

Don't embarrass me.

Do I ever?

[bells ringing]

Okay everybody, time to get started.

Are you excited?

Brothers and sisters,

we are gathered together for an ancient ceremony.

Momentous and beautiful.

Before we begin please turn off your cell phones

and all other electronic devices.

[cells turning off sounds]

Eighteen years ago our Lord chose this young man

to join him in battle against the Great Deceiver.

His spirit will join with the Father on this night.

We now ask young Neil

to lay his earthly vessel upon our altar.

Handmaidens of our Lord.

Dude.

I think they're going to fuck you

right here in front of everyone.

[chanting] In Nomina Satanas.

In Nomina Satanas.

Now the time approaches to release his spirit

into the arms of our father

whereupon his soul will join our King for all eternity.

The sacrificial lamb will stand with Lucifer in Hades.

Whoa, whoa, sacrificial lamb?

It's a metaphor.

As we tear the virgins flesh asunder

so that the blood may spill forth in holy offering.

[chanting] In Nomina Satanas,

In Nomina Satanas...

In Nomina Satanas,

Dude.

Satanas Rex.

Dude!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the?

In Nomina...

What the fuck!

Satanas!

Neil! Neil!

Hey!

Neil!

After him!

Neil!

Get back here!

Go, go, go!

Move, move, move!

Okay, holy shit.

Come on.

Oh fuck!!!!!!!

Come here, quickly!

Come on.

Are they there?

Where's my other shoe?

Where's my other shoe?

I am so sorry, Sheldon.

I mean, what can I say?

You can say nothing!

[cell phone chiming]

Get that.

Hello?

We have until sunrise or the window will close.

If we fail his wrath will fall on us all!

No, that won't happen.

I'll go get him he'll be back on that altar in no time.

No! You stay right here.

Take these two with you and fetch them back.

We need a soft touch to lure them back.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you Colette?

I think so.

Good girl, now go.

And remember, as always to keep a low profile.

And you, if they don't return

consider yourself excommunicated

and you will never see the gates of Hell!

Matt! Matt!

What the fuck are you doing, Matt!

What the fuck, man?

You can't take that,

that's my families Mexico money for the summer.

Oh, I'm sorry

why don't you enjoy your lovely time in Acapulco

and don't forget to send me a postcard

before they murder you.

Dude, look my Dad's an asshole too, okay.

I know.

Oh fuck me.

I'm calling the cops.

What?

No, no, no, don't do that.

Don't do that.

Fuck off.

Don't do that.

Alright, my Dad's a cop and half the force goes to our church.

Police, please.

No, give me.

Hello?

This is the police.

Hey. It's Matt, Paul's kid.

My Dad's gone rogue.

Matt, where are you?

I'm at my friend Neil's house.

Is Neil with you?

Stay where you are, we'll send somebody right now.

Who are you sending?

st stay where you are Matt.

Oh shit, fuck!

We've got to go!

This sucks, alright, we could be at Cheryl's party right now

totally enjoying the all you can eat vagina buffet

or muffet if you will.

Wait.

This all happened because you're a virgin right,

so we get you laid problem solved.

Oh, I've got it.

Who are you calling?

Stop, stop, stop calling people.

Okay, what?

Denise!

A friend fuck, oh that's brilliant.

Come on, I mean we give her rides all the time I mean.

[dog barking in the distance]

Neil!

Matty?

You guys here?

Come on out!

[text message alert]

You're overthinking this, man.

She's my friend, alright,

I just don't want her to feel like she's being used.

She's not being used, she's saving your life.

I know, she's saving my life.

Exactly.

That's why I'm just going to tell her the truth, alright.

Denise is super cool, man, she'll totally get it.

No, that's sweet okay but women don't really respond well

to the truth okay, it's like they like mystery.

It's like your magic.

If you told them how you did the magic

you lose the magic, right?

Ask me how big my dick is.

What?

Why would I ask you that?

Besides, I've seen it.

It looks like a toe.

Just bear with me okay, just ask.

How big is your dick.

Well, I don't really like to talk about it but, you know,

it's 9 and a half inches.

Okay, see, now I'll ask you, how big is your dick?

I don't know, I've never measured it.

Average?

Wrong! Ten inches.

Why would I lie?

If the lie works I'm going to get caught.

It doesn't matter that's the thing.

Okay, by the time she finds out that it's only five inches

it's two inches deep.

Oh, okay, okay Matt you're going to stay outside, okay.

I'm not doing this for an audience.

Fine.

That's fine.

I wash my hands of this,

I just I'll just be out here making phone calls.

[doorbell]

No Cheryl's, huh?

Wasn't-- Wasn't feeling it,

um, can I come in?

Yeah, sure, why not.

Are your parents home?

No.

I've been stuck on this level for like two days.

I swear, one more day of this and I am pillaging the internet

for cheat codes.

Dude, can you sit down, this is pretty annoying.

Okay, okay, I really need to talk.

I really need to talk to you about something.

It's kind of a big deal.

Okay, talk.

Yeah.

Only Denise can be this busy!

Okay.

Hey, Amy.

It's Matt, listen.

There's some crazy shit going down tonight

like end of the world type stuff

so Cheryl's party might be your last chance

to get with me, alright?

Holler back.

You know how much I respect you.

Yeah.

So much, yeah, okay.

Um, I think you're awesome.

I think you're kind of a dork.

Uh, what I am about to ask

I can never ask anybody else.

Okay, drama queen.

I just need you to say that you will do this one thing for me

and I promise I will never ask you for anything ever again

as long as I live, which might not be for long.

Lets hear it.

I need you to have sex with me tonight.

If you don't I'm going to die.

I just, I just need to put it in

it doesn't have to be anything special.

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to be doing

but I don't even know the rules I don't know I just -

What the fuck, Neil?

There's some crazy shit going down tonight

like end of the world type stuff so Cheryl's party might be

your last chance to get with me so.

Holler back.

Normally I would never think of doing anything

remotely sexual with you

but I am really fucking desperate.

I just need you to just let me just fuck

like just no meaning to it,

just the tip, anything will work.

Oh, keep going lover boy really my panties are dripping,

I swear.

[knocking]

They're here!

Holy fuck!

Oh.

Denise.

Okay, lets do it.

Really, the sheer balls of it is impressive.

I'm not fucking with you okay,

you know the church my family belongs to?

It's kind of different.

Well, they just tried to sacrifice me

because I'm a virgin.

What?

[doorbell]

I've never had sex before.

Yeah, I know what a fucking virgin is

but what the fuck are you talking about?

Unless I lose my virginity tonight

they're going to sacrifice my ass!

To Satan!

They're here! Come on!

Oh my god!

[laughs]

Denise, it's not fucking funny!

[ringing doorbell and pounding on door]

Oh.

Listen, I need to know if this is going to happen

or I've really got to run.

Neil, I don't know what the fuck you're on

but you're being a real asshole right now.

I'm going to get the door.

Oh my god, listen to me.

Oh fuck.

Yeah?

Hey, oh my god this is so annoying

but you wouldn't happen to have seen Neil?

No.

Well, we were all just hanging out at the mall you know,

listening to CD's and he just ran off.

We think he might be losing his mind

we were just really worried so.

Well, he was babbling nonsense.

So, you saw him?

Yeah.

Do you want to maybe tell us where he went?

Sorry, who are you guys?

Oh hi, I'm Brad and it would be really helpful

if you could help us find him.

Alright, uh yeah, come in.

How'd they know we were here?

I don't know.

Fucked!

Oh shit, shit, shit.

These pants are too tight.

Okay.

Ow, my nuts!

Come on, come on. I've got you.

Lets go.

Go.

So, it's just down this street here

oh but it's a one way so you should just go around via Oak

and Cheryl's house should just be right there.

You've been incredibly helpful, thank you.

Yeah, how do you guys know Neal again?

From church.

What church is that?

You've never heard of it.

We worship Satan.

Fuck.

Dude, you have nothing to lose.

No, humiliation is worse than death.

You've never walked into a room where everybody

has seen you wearing jizz.

Ah, yes. I have.

I can't do it, I choose death.

No, no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait okay.

Your parents almost killing you tonight

that's the best thing that could have happened to you.

They lit a fire under your ass to go out there grab

life by the ears and make sweet sweet love to his mouth.

Fuck, you're a selfish prick you know that?

How am I selfish?

Because this is your last chance, Neal.

If you don't go in there and bust your hymen

then you're a dead man.

And then that's on my head

and I can't live with that shit so fuck you.

I wouldn't want me dying to be a source of guilt for you

or anything.

Yes!

[dance music] ¶¶¶

Aw, see, it's not so bad huh?

Uh, shit, uh lets get you a beer this way.

Ladies, you guys know Neal right?

Hi Neal.

Hey.

Oh, can I play one with you?

Here we go, here we go, beer pong baby.

Neal, wait, Neal. Neal!

Hey, look everybody it's the man himself!

Lets all do the fucking Neal!

Dude, hey.

Oh my god, that was the worst thing

I've ever seen happen to anybody.

You need a shot.

To hitting bottom.

Nowhere to go but up.

Nowhere.

Oh, oh that's awful.

[gags]

[knocking]

(Male voice): Who's in there?

I think it's that masturbating guy.

Hey man, you jerking off in there?

[pounding on door]

Need some rhythm bro?

[chanting] Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

[cheering]

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Whoa!!!

Behold!

The Great Master Bater.

[cheers]

And I give to you my fabulous phallus of fun.

(Crowd): Oooh!

[loud pop sound]

[cheering]

Thank you, thank you.

Now, I need a volunteer for this next trick.

How about um you.

Fuck that.

We've got a bashful one, folks.

Lets give him some encouragement.

Kent!

Kent!

(Chanting): Kent! Kent!

Kent! Kent.

Kent! Kent.

Kent! Kent.

Kent! Kent.

Kent! Kent.

[cheering and applause]

Now, I need complete silence for this next trick.

Touch me and you're a dead man.

(Crowd): Oooh!!!!!

Alright.

Pick a card, any card.

What? A stupid card trick?

Any card at all.

Now show it to the room.

Did you guys get a good look?

Now put it back.

Alright.

Kent, is this your card?

Fuck no.

Is this his card?

No.

Oh. Check your pants.

Check my what?

Your pants.

Fuck!

What the fuck!

[applause]

Thank you.

That was, that was pretty awesome.

Yeah, you want to see another one?

Maybe.

¶

¶

Oh fuck.

Just!

Like my outfit?

It's really pretty.

Thanks.

Take the back of the knee, right,

it's surprisingly sensitive.

It can't always be about the clitoris.

Oh hey, you go to my church.

Oh, that's right.

It is so good to see you.

It's good to see you.

So, where's Neal?

Neal, Neal's amazing.

I know, right?

Where is he?

No, no, no, no, I'm not telling you.

You I'm not going to tell.

Please tell me?

Please? Please?

Tell me?

You smell like cinnamon.

Okay, okay, okay I'll tell you okay

but you're a little late because he's already having sex.

So, what are you into?

Besides magic I like video games,

I kind of like the retro stuff

because it's more about the game play.

I meant like in bed.

Uh.

You want to fuck me, don't you?

That would be super helpful.

Yeah.

I mean yes.

Ok.

Neal?

Neal, are you up here?

Are you ready?

I think so.

You feel ready.

I feel ready.

This is not what it looks like!

Cheryl? Really?

I asked you first.

You know I just came to warn you that these people

from your church are coming.

Oh. Can we still do this?

You're kidding, right?

Oh shit, fuck.

Do something.

That was close.

Lets go.

No, I'll stay here and buy you some time.

Denise, it's not safe.

They're not after me okay,

we'll catch up later and see what happens.

So, you believe me now?

Yes, I believe you're being hunted by a Satanic cult.

Go.

Did you see Neal?

Jesus, is every girl at this party trying to get with him?

Where is he?

Hi.

Hey.

[¶¶¶]

Matt?

Oh my god, hey!

You know, I was wondering where all the hot guys were.

What are you doing here?

[gagging]

Matt, come on we have to go.

What?

We have to go, get up.

Wait, wait, wait, do I have puke in my teeth?

Where's your friend?

Who?

Neal?

Uh, did you try upstairs?

Yeah.

Oh, I've just got to sit for a sec.

Oooh!!!

Ow.

Dude!

Oh, the keys.

We've got to go man!

Alright.

I've got the key.

You're all smiling.

Hey guys, wait, where are you going?

We're not stealing a car.

No, we're borrowing it.

[drunken laugh]

[struggling grunts]

That's it, that's it for you.

[grunts]

Oh hey, so this church is it like any regular church or?

No, it's the exact opposite.

Oh okay, so your altar boys molest your priests then?

I don't really know.

[crash]

Oh shit, sorry.

[alarm wailing]

There.

You'd better drive, you've got to be responsible here.

[car horn]

Ahhhh!!!!!!!

We're not going to hurt you!

Go! Go!

Go! Go!

Get out of the goddamn car!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Come on!

Get the truck.

Put her in the car!

[squeals]

How the fuck did they find us?

I'll tell you how, your friend without benefits sold us out.

Denise?

No fucking way man, she helped us escape dude.

Aw, barely.

You don't know what you're talking about,

how about your dad?

The cop?

I bet you 50 bucks he's got some kind of tracking chip implanted

into your nut sack.

Listen, there are Satanists all over this town.

It could be anyone, okay?

It could be you know the fucking taxi drivers,

waitresses, cops, hobos, fucking baristas,

dog groomers, fucking vegans, fucking hipsters man.

You're right, you're right,

we've got to keep our eyes peeled.

Bottom line, the only people we can trust are each other, okay?

Wait, what if you just lied.

How would they know?

They will know, my mom is a bloodhound for bullshit.

What self respecting teenager doesn't know how to lie

to his own mother?

She can smell it on my breath.

Oh fuck, oh fuck, fuck.

[car horn wailing]

What?

Fuck!

What?

What's wrong?

We're out of gas.

Maybe the Satanists will be too scared to follow us here.

It's one of those pre-paid deals.

I got it.

Hi, fifty bucks on pump two.

(Sheldon): Let the scales fall from your eyes

for God is the deceiver and Satan is the salvation.

il's mom): Sheldon told us t you had a special purpose.

What?

I'm going to pay for it.

Yo dude, what the fuck is all that?

Provisions, in case we have to go into hiding.

Yeah, hiding, about that.

I've been thinking hiding might not be the best idea,

I mean.

Okay, come on, get in the car.

No, no, no this might sound a little fucked up

but if any of this shit is real

then getting me laid might actually save the world.

Get in the car, come on.

What? I'm kind of serious.

I know you're serious, that's why this is

so fucking insane man.

That's like delusions of grandeur much?

They tried to kill me.

If this shit is real nobody is safe, you get that right?

Dude, there is no Hell.

There's no Satan or any of that shit.

I mean, your parents, my parents, Sheldon, Mary,

they're all just brainwashed lunatics dude.

The sooner you realize that the freer you'll be,

come on dude look at me.

I'm just living in the moment having a fucking blast

enjoying not one but two flavours of beef jerky.

It's no big deal because I know at the end of the day

the only asshole who is judging me is me.

You know why I'm here, right?

Because I'm your only friend.

Yes, that and because I want to be there

for the first moment that your dick tastes vaginal glory.

You want to watch me have sex?

No, no dude.

I just want to see you be happy.

Come on, man.

Be happy?

You just want to live vicariously through me

because you're not.

Not what?

Nothing.

Never mind, I didn't say that.

Oh.

Because I'm not cool enough for you?

Because I'm just your tag-a-long friend, right?

And now all of a sudden that you're Mr. Popular

you can't hang out with a loser like me?

Did I say that?

Oh please, Neal.

Be my friend.

Here, take my jerky.

How much for a sleepover.

You want to hang out now?

Huh?

Take everything.

Stop.

Everything I have.

Stop. Stop.

Whoa.

What?

I can't believe I'm even suggesting this.

What?

Prostitutes.

Prostitutes.

Prostitutes.

Prostitutes!

Prostitutes!

Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah man.

Alright.

Keep looking.

It does not look good I'm afraid.

He'll show up Sheldon, trust me.

You don't have to fear me, Gary.

I'm on your side.

But you need to fear, what we all need to fear,

is our Lord below.

I'm merely an instrument of his wrath.

What Sheldon is trying to say is that -

Yes, Mary.

Explain to them what I'm trying to say.

What Sheldon is trying to say is that if Neal doesn't show up

we're going to need to find some kind of replacement offering.

Thank you for clarifying my dear.

Oh.

Oh, this is sad.

We should be helping these women not exploiting them.

Hey, hey, hey, this was this was your idea.

I know I just thought it would be less tragic somehow.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Hey, you looking to make some real cash money

and get serviced by a couple of barely legal studs?

Both of you looking?

No.

Yes, yes.

How much?

That depends on what you want.

Uh, I just really need to lose my virginity tonight so.

Yeah, I can help you out.

But not here.

Meet me there and ask for Ashley.

Oh.

Is this it?

Yeah, yeah.

Can I help you?

[whispers] Is this the house of ill repute?

You don't have to whisper.

Oh, oh okay.

I'd like one prostitute please.

Alright.

What were you looking for exactly?

I'd like a good personality,

I'd like a cute laugh, and boobs.

They all have boobs.

We'll take Ashley.

Great.

Great.

Yeah.

Go with that.

Great.

Have a seat.

The things have got red eyes.

You come with me.

You sit tight.

Oh.

No, no, no, no.

See, the thing like.

Do you want to do this?

Yes.

Please.

Yes, please.

Then he goes first.

Well.

Whoa, ah.

Wait, Ashley.

Uh, baby.

Look, I cannot wait to get with you

and I'm so flattered that you feel the same way

but he really should go first.

Yeah.

I really need to go first.

Matt?

Come on.

Matt? Matt? Matt?

I don't know, man.

So, what's your deal?

Well, I'm thinking I'd like to start off with a hand job

and then you know work my way up to a blow job

and then finish off with a vagina job?

Okay.

Yeah?

Uh, cool.

And the same exact same goes for my friend out there.

I really can't stress enough how important it is

that he gets a proper vagina job.

Well, how much money do you got?

Yes, currency.

[squeaky bed sounds]

So, how did you get into prostituting?

So, I mean you must have some wild stories.

Not really.

No?

You, I mean meet any crazy characters at least or?

I guess.

What's the weirdest thing

that anyone's ever asked you to do?

This one guy pays me to poop on his dog.

Oh.

What kind of dog?

I don't know, a brown one.

Can I see your boobs at least?

Shhhh!!!!!!!

[squeaky bed sounds]

[cell phone beeps]

What if I told you this is my first time?

Please don't cry.

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.

Good.

[heavy breathing]

Wooo-hooooo!!!!!!!!!

And?

So, what happened?

Talk to me buddy.

Oh man, was it awesome.

Uh, I just, I mean not only was the sex amazing

but...but you know I think that the best part was

that Ashley and I really connected you know.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

Okay.

So, where is she?

Ashley?

Oh, uh, poor thing is exhausted.

You know I really gave it to her in there but don't worry

you know I'm sure she's got another one in her

just don't be mad at me if she still has Matt on the mind.

I'm going to have sex.

You're going to have sex.

And I'm not going to die.

You're not going to die, go in there do it.

You're ready.

I'm ready, man.

Have a great time.

I am a fucking pussy.

Ashley...

Hey, it's my turn.

You just sit there, okay.

Hey, where are you going?

I'll be right back.

Matt!

Matt!

Matt!

Hey Neal, we just need to talk to you for a minute.

Everything is okay, everything is okay

we just need to talk to you for just a second.

This is a raid!

Everybody out!

Neal, Neal, Neal.

Open up, it's the police!

[screams and chaos]

Colette, you seen them?

Go, go, go!

Hey, get back here!

Rod, it's not Neal!

Greg!

Neal!

Get the fuck back here!

Greg!

Greg get back here!

Get the fuck back here!

Oh, you goddamn idiot.

Rod, he stole the car!

What?

Greg, come on!

Shit!

Well, I have to hand it to you.

It's pretty brave of you to come back for me.

What happened to you?

Just tried to keep them busy.

Tried to buy you some time,

I did get pretty friendly with Brad.

Denise, he's the enemy.

For fucks sake, Neal.

I'm joking.

You're never going to get it are you?

Get what?

That I like you, you moron.

I like you too but you don't have to be a bitch about it.

No, Neal.

Fuck, I like like you.

Like like.

What? Why?

I don't know, because you're like the coolest person

I've ever met?

I'm not cool Denise, I don't even know how to be cool.

Exactly, Neal.

Oh wow.

Awesome, does that mean we get to have sex now?

No.

Make love.

Okay, you really have to do better than that.

You smell nice.

No, Neal.

Jesus, what do you want me to say?

That I like you but I've always liked you but I thought.

I knew it, you're a fucking chicken.

Fuck.

Okay.

Lets just go back in time,

pretend I had the guts to ask you out on a real date.

A date.

Okay, where are we going?

It's a surprise but you say yes,

I pick you up at your house with one perfect red rose

and I'm really nervous because this is the night

I'm going to tell you everything

and you're really nervous too because you know what's coming.

Alright, tell me more.

We start with something fun like go-carting

and after we walk down to that fancy vegan restaurant.

Nice touch.

After dinner we walk by the beach

and I gather every bit of courage I have

and tell you what I've always needed to.

What do you say?

That I've liked you since I was old enough to like girls

but I was terrified that if I made a move on you

I would ruin it and screw it up

and you would never talk to me again.

Oh boy.

Hold on.

Oh.

Are you fucking kidding me, Neal?

Ohhhh!!!!!!

Neal, are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, fuck me.

Sorry.

Oh my god.

Neal.

Come on.

I'm sorry, I'm just really sorry.

It's a mess.

Denise, I really...

What the?

Dude.

Was there penetration?

A bunch.

Really, so tell me what it felt like.

Like a fucking.

Put a sock on a foot man and it fits just right.

He's still a virgin.

Lets go, lets go.

Lets go.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Call me tomorrow.

I will.

Did you, did you get it in?

Did you get it in her?

So? What happened?

Are you going to say anything?

Are you going to tell me what happened?

Alright, what happened.

Okay.

I told Denise I liked her,

she said she liked me back which was great

and then I came all over her fucking leg.

Happy?

That's awesome dude, shit if you would have told her sooner

you could have been breaking your oath all over the place.

We wouldn't even be here.

Oh, so this is my fault now Matt?

What?

No.

No, no, no, no.

I'm just saying.

Oh, you're just saying.

Good, okay good you're just saying.

Ah, okay well what I'm saying

is that you've made this whole night about you.

I was the one who was supposed to get laid tonight,

you got in line and you were the one who had sex.

Yeah, I had sex with a dirty hoe okay,

what you have with Denise that's special,

that's that's nice.

Fuck you, man.

Fuck me?

It's too late, there's no more me and Denise, dude.

I'm not going to school again, dude,

I'm dead like fucking dead.

Dead, dead, dead.

You're not dead yet okay,

you still-- we can still get out of here

and don't blame me for this.

How am I going to get out, my hands are fucking tied.

My hands are tied!

My hands are tied too.

Did you just kick me?

Did you just fucking kick me?

Yeah I fucking kicked you.

What are you doing, man?

You fucking kicked me first.

When you kicked me it fucking hurt.

Hey, shut the fuck up back there.

No, you shut the fuck up man.

Fuck you, man.

Fuck.

[struggling grunts]

Want to fucking go?

Don't even.

Ah, there you are.

You are more trouble than you're worth.

And you have kept us waiting.

Well, I've got to hand it to you Neal,

you continually find new ways to humiliate your family.

I'm the embarrassment, really Dad, me?

I'm the embarrassment?

Yeah, that's right buster.

This stupid religion has fucked with your heads so bad

you're actually willing to sacrifice

your own flesh and blood

for some red guy with a tail.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's where you go easy.

You worship a fucking Halloween costume.

Yeah.

Shut up.

You dragged Mom down with you, look at her,

does she look okay to you?

I'm not the embarrassment.

How very sweet.

I wish we had more time for such touching family reunions

but alas we do not.

Get them ready.

Everything is going to be okay now.

[goat sounds]

Real nice, real fucking nice.

Your own son?

You're gutless.

Neal.

Come on, Neal.

Don't talk to me.

I cried.

What?

I cried.

What are you saying?

What do you mean you cried?

What are you talking about?

I lost my virginity to a prostitute tonight and I cried.

[goat sounds]

Yeah, alright.

I don't know what happened man, I just lost it.

I mean, I had it but then I don't know

something just snapped and I just.

Well, at least you didn't come on her leg.

Right on the leg?

The leg, the seat.

It's fucking embarrassing.

Come here man, come here.

I'm sorry dude, I'm sorry man.

Come here, come here man.

I'm sorry man, this whole night has been so fucked up dude.

No, no, no.

This is nice.

I needed this.

Well, this is it buddy.

Wait, there still might be a way out of this.

No, there isn't.

No, no, no, stop.

Just stop being so at peace with everything okay

just listen to me here, hear me out okay

I'm not going to give up on you.

When does a guys virginity really end, right?

It's when he penetrates something with his erect penis.

Right.

Who says it has to be a vagina.

[goat sounds]

Oh god no.

No, no, no, I'm telling you dude if it's going to save your life

you've got to do me.

I can't, I can't.

You have to.

Are you saying that you couldn't fuck your best friend

to save your own life?

Is that what you're saying?

I'm just not sure the equipment would work.

Be totally mean right now okay, just, I'm at least an 8.

Even if you were a 10.

I'm just saying how hard could it be?

Give me a sec.

Okay, yeah, just think.

Okay, I'll try.

What?

I mean, really?

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

I mean, I want to live right.

Yeah, I want you to live man.

Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

What was that?

Sorry, I thought maybe.

No extras man, no time.

No time for extras.

Lets just, we've just got to go.

How do we start?

Uh, uh, come here.

Just, just alright, you know.

Oh fuck, oh my god.

You're my best friend, man, you're my best friend.

Best friend.

So, what are we going to do with her?

You stay here and watch her.

But no, I want to watch the sacrifice you said that.

That's enough Bradley.

Oh my god.

She talks to you like you're a child.

I am not allowed to talk to you anymore.

Come on Brad.

You're this smart, sexy guy

and with your arms and abs, this chest

I mean girls must be hitting on you all the time.

It is hard to find single women in this church.

Well, as a single woman how would I go about becoming

part of the church?

You've got to renounce God, get a tattoo,

take a whiz on a bible.

It's a whole thing.

You know, if you really want to go out there

you should just go.

Yeah, I know I just can't because I have to stay here

and babysit you.

I think I'll be fine.

What's going on back there?

I'm not hard.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to blow you dude.

I didn't ask you to blow me, Matt.

I know, it's just just get it in you know.

Oh god.

Oh shit, we were just, hi, hi Dad.

Alright, break it up.

It's time.

Hey, there's no judgement.

I fucked a lady prostitute.

A lady prostitute and she was hot.

Few hours ago, real hot.

Like, you want to get to him you got to go through me.

Oh, alright.

Whoa, Neal.

It's all good, man.

Neal. Neal.

I'm right here man, I'm right beside you.

In Nomina Satanas,

[chanting] In Nomina Satanas...

[chanting] In Nomina Satanas...

Satanas Rex.

(All): Satanas Rex.

I invoke his power by these names.

Belial, Baphomet, Beelzebub, Lucifer,

Awful Monster.

Skip the names.

What are you talking about?

We can't skip the names.

It's almost sunrise.

I know what time it is,

I've got a bloody watch you know.

Then you know it's time to get on with it.

If you can do better why don't you do it then,

go on take the knife.

No, no, no.

Take the book, take my robe,

I'm so sorry for this interruption.

No one cares about the names for fuck sake.

Alright, alright.

In Nomina Satanas...

Lord, we offer this virgin flesh unto you

that you may draw strength from the blood of innocence.

For the glory of your kingdom.

I'm sorry, Neal.

[Continued Chanting]

In Nomina Sat--

[sniffs]

Hells own inferno has come!

I see his face in the flames!

In Nomina Satanas.

Gary!

Ow, ow, Satan burned my hand!

No, the curtains are on fire.

Ow my hand, it's fucking hot!

[screams]

Children!

Back, back!

Back!

No!

No!

Yeah!

Aw, I love you man!

Alright, is this your card?

No.

Do I check my bra now?

Well, I could check for you.

What?

Oh my god, that's amazing.

It will make you an all powerful video game god.

I've been looking for this online for like months.

How did you find it?

One of my birthday party clients hooked it up,

I did an extra hour for his 5 year old.

Aw, awesome.

Yeah, magic.

You missed a wonderful service.

We're good, mom.

Honey, just remember Jesus loves you.

He died for your sins.

Give me the keys.

I'm going to drive.

Matt?

Guys, oh Shelly looking beautiful as always.

Oh, you're so sweet Matt.

Maybe going to grab some vegan,

hit the go-cart track.

Cool, cool.

I mean, I'd tell you to come along.

No, no, no, no.

I'm fine, I've got my Bible study,

catch you guys later.

Alright.

Alright.

Is that all you ate?

You had one crepe, you're ridiculous.

Ridiculous.

Could you put on that Christian rock station?

Sure.

¶