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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:18,934 Previously on Californication... 3 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:23,063 I'm having what you might call a crisis of faith. To put it simply, I can't write. 4 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:26,692 You have this incredible talent, and you're just flushing it down the toilet. 5 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,861 Maybe you're right. I'm fucked up right now. 6 00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:31,155 - I need you. - No, I'm getting married. 7 00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:35,325 - Is Dad a bad person? - No. Not at all. 8 00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:38,328 I mean, he does have a habit of getting into trouble sometimes. 9 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:39,747 Fuckin' fucker! 10 00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:45,669 Get on with your life. And forget about the woman you didn't want to marry. 11 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:49,131 As your friend and agent, may I suggest you start looking for a nice girl. 12 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,216 What is your name, by the way? 13 00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:53,218 Wouldn't you rather just fuck me? 14 00:00:53,261 --> 00:00:54,595 I'm a scientologist, Hank. 15 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,099 So, you're the famous writer, huh? 16 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,852 This is Mia, Bill's daughter. 17 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:03,729 She's 16. 18 00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:07,274 What happened the other night will never happen again. 19 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,234 I know you guys aren't gonna live happily ever after. 20 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,653 It's just nice to be together sometimes. 21 00:01:11,696 --> 00:01:14,281 I want to go back and do it all over again. 22 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:15,657 I'm gonna marry Bill. 23 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,327 - I wrote something. - You what? 24 00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:21,455 - Hank wrote a new book? Can I read it? - I don't think that's appropriate. 25 00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:22,539 What did you write? 26 00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,292 An older man unwittingly beds an underage girl. 27 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,418 I wrote this novel. 28 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:29,421 - This woman's written the book of the year. - Is that right? 29 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:32,716 If I say anything, there's no stopping her from telling Karen. 30 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:33,842 Fuck, the police. 31 00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:36,637 If anyone knows of a reason why this couple should not wed, 32 00:01:36,679 --> 00:01:38,472 speak now or forever hold your peace. 33 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:39,807 What? 34 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,601 - Wait! Hank! - You sure? 35 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,478 Quick, before I change my fuckin' mind. 36 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,688 Karen, wait! Come back! 37 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:59,076 (♪ Echoing guitar intro) 38 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,454 (Alarm beeps) 39 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:06,166 (♪ The Mamas & the Papas: California Dreamin' on radio) 40 00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:24,852 (Sighs) 41 00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,278 Are you ready? 42 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:37,698 Fuck, no. 43 00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:41,910 You are gonna be so glad you did this. 44 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:44,037 I don't want to talk about it right now. 45 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:48,083 I've got a godlike erection. Seems a shame to waste it. 46 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,419 - We got to get going. - Really? 47 00:02:50,461 --> 00:02:53,505 - Mm-hm. - You'd deny a dying man his final meal? 48 00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:57,843 Oh, my God. You're gonna milk this for all it's worth, aren't you? 49 00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:01,013 Absolutely. Don't make me beg. It's unseemly. 50 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:07,144 - Fine. You better make it snappy. - Oh, you won't feel a thing. I promise. 51 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:12,399 - Oh, what are you doing? - Just assuming the posish. 52 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,234 Oh. Oh, hot diggety. 53 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:17,863 - What are you doing? - I'm assuming my posish. 54 00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:21,491 Get a rubber. One more time. Come on, what's the big deal? 55 00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:25,954 That's my point exactly. I'll pull out and hose you down. 56 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,540 Ooh! Is that supposed to turn me on? 57 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:29,958 Maybe. 58 00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:32,502 - Did it? - Not so much. 59 00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:44,389 You better start talking dirty. This could take a while. Urgh! 60 00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:45,724 OK. 61 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:49,061 - What do you want me to say? - Right before you come... 62 00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:52,105 - Mm-hm. ...call me Bill. 63 00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:55,651 - Who says I'm gonna come? - Ooh, a challenge. 64 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:57,986 Game on. 65 00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,446 (Twanging) 66 00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:02,366 Get ready for Thor's hammer. 67 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,748 (Snipping) 68 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,959 - You want to see it? - See what? 69 00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,544 The section of the vas def I just cut out. 70 00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,129 Vas definitely not. 71 00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:20,300 If it feels like I'm sewing the flesh at the base of your penis back together, 72 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,510 that's because I am. 73 00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:24,388 Why do you look like a welder? You're not welding anything, are you? 74 00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:27,182 - So, why the vasectomy? - I hate the rubbers. 75 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:31,103 Yeah, me too. Can't feel a damn thing. 76 00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:34,106 - Ow! - Try not to give the guy a hard-on, OK? 77 00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,233 That would be messy. 78 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,567 (Sizzling) 79 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:40,946 (Whistles) Looks like there's a new Pope. 80 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:44,533 Pain and swelling, totally normal. A bag of frozen peas should do the trick. 81 00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:47,244 Some prefer edamame. It's totally up to you. 82 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,247 No sex for 48 hours, and that includes masturbation. 83 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,207 After that, the more the better. 84 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:55,335 Seriously. You still got a lot of viable sperm up in there. 85 00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:59,423 Got to get it out somehow. If you need any help, let me know. 86 00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:01,550 Great-looking cock. 87 00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:03,260 (Rings bell) 88 00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:05,762 Thank you. 89 00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:58,648 Don't think I don't see what's happening here. 90 00:05:58,691 --> 00:05:59,816 Oh, what's that? 91 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,985 You're not attracted to me anymore. 92 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,820 That's right, that's right. 93 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,822 I ran away with you on my wedding night 94 00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:08,367 because you just don't do it for me anymore. 95 00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,327 Yes. See, on a purely chemical level, 96 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,038 you realise that I can't impregnate you any more. 97 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,624 The biological imperative has been compromised. 98 00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:18,960 You should consider yourself lucky that we're even having sex. 99 00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:24,216 Oh, I do. I do. And it's been rad. You know, I forgot what a little hellcat you can be. 100 00:06:24,258 --> 00:06:26,760 - Meow! - No, no, no. Please, don't do that. 101 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,553 - No, that was gross. - Seriously. 102 00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,472 A man should not meow... ever. 103 00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,058 We're doing what couples do, Hank. 104 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:37,187 We're making responsible, grown-up decisions. 105 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,271 Together. 106 00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:41,108 - Why are you smiling like that? - How am I smiling? 107 00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,860 Like a retard. 108 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:47,280 It was just nice to hear you refer to us as a couple again. 109 00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,574 - Sounded good. - Wow... 110 00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:53,245 They really did neuter you, didn't they? 111 00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:54,454 Kiss the eunuch. 112 00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:59,918 - Oh, honey! God. Don't grind. No grinding. - I know, but I forgot. I'm so sorry. 113 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,962 (♪ Heavy metal blaring) 114 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,889 (Turns volume down) 115 00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:17,811 How's the package? 116 00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:20,730 This is not a conversation I ever wanted to have with my daughter, 117 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,357 but thanks for asking, sweetie. 118 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,444 - She called. - She who? 119 00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:28,989 That real estate whore. She's bringing some people by. 120 00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,574 Language, young lady. 121 00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:35,203 Next time she tells me to clean my room, I'm gonna say, "Clean this, lady!" 122 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,872 And give her a titty twister. 123 00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:37,998 (Laughs) 124 00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,584 As much as I'd like to see that, 125 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:43,128 the idea is to sell this place and get out of dodge. 126 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,922 If you tidied up your shrine to Norwegian death metal, 127 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:47,841 it might facilitate things a little bit. 128 00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:50,844 I don't want to help sell the place because I don't want to move. 129 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,263 This is our home. We're happy here. 130 00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:55,724 I love L.A. 131 00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:57,100 She's your daughter. 132 00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:02,147 Hey, honey, not that I mind having this conversation for the 73rd time this week, 133 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:05,108 but could we do it maybe when Daddy's balls don't ache so much? 134 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,194 And it's black metal, not Norwegian! 135 00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:08,987 - She needs more time. - (Door slams) 136 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:12,824 Karen, we have discussed this like the responsible parents that we are. 137 00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:15,452 - (♪ Heavy metal plays) - New York will always be there for us. 138 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,370 You agreed she'd be better off in New York. 139 00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:21,291 But we don't have the right to yank her away from the only life she knows. 140 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,376 Damn it. I need a cigarette. 141 00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:25,128 How about a Vicodin? 142 00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:27,380 Oh, I like-o-din. 143 00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:28,632 Well, that'll do. 144 00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:32,135 My poor little gelding. 145 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,261 That's mean. 146 00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,392 - Oh, Karen. Karen! - (Door opens and shuts) 147 00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:41,061 Peas! 148 00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:42,812 Or edamame! 149 00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:45,148 (♪ Heavy metal continues) 150 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,219 That is nice. 151 00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:22,644 Make yourself at home. 152 00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,855 Mi casa es su casa. 153 00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,901 Might want to start out at the patio, though. 154 00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:39,286 Hey, big fella, you think I might get my hands on some frozen veggies there? 155 00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,454 I think you should wait your fuckin' turn. 156 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,171 You. 157 00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:51,381 Me. 158 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,799 - We... - Sure did. 159 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,552 - Couple of times, actually. - Long time ago. 160 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,804 In a galaxy not so far away. 161 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,599 So, what's going on? 162 00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:02,601 Oh, not much. I'm just, uh, you know, 163 00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:06,438 in the market for some frozen peas, maybe some edamame. 164 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,064 Totally up to me. 165 00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:09,941 - Are you OK? - Yeah. 166 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,568 Why? I'm fine. 167 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,070 I don't know, you seem like you're in pain. 168 00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,489 No more than usual. How you doing? 169 00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,618 Same old. Livin' la vida loca. 170 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:22,454 True dat. It's hard out there for a pimp. 171 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,248 So... 172 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:31,963 Do you want to get high and listen to some... records? 173 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,048 Oh, dear. 174 00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:38,928 Would that I could but... big life changes since last we made the love. 175 00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,805 Got back together with the ex. 176 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,558 Baby mama. 177 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:44,809 It's on. 178 00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:47,979 That's too bad. 179 00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,148 You were a great lay. 180 00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,943 That is... 181 00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,529 so sweet of you to say. 182 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:59,199 I will tell the old lady you said so. 183 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,034 Be well, Hank. 184 00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,708 You too... 185 00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,131 ...surfer girl. 186 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,342 What are you, some kind of pussy? 187 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,344 She would have totally fucked you. 188 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:22,764 - I don't do that anymore. - You should do that while you still can. 189 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,308 You never know when you're gonna wind up in one of these. 190 00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:28,770 You don't really need that thing, I bet. You just like to zip around in it. 191 00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,647 - Makes you feel special. - Oh, yeah? 192 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,482 You ever hear of a prolapsed rectum? 193 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,566 Asshole. 194 00:11:33,609 --> 00:11:34,693 (Phone rings) 195 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,569 Rectum? 196 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:38,613 Damn near killed him. 197 00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:42,283 Hello? 198 00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:43,410 Yeah? No. 199 00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:45,328 Oh, she was there when I left. 200 00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:57,298 (♪ Distorted electric guitar) 201 00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,685 You, Becca. 202 00:12:09,478 --> 00:12:11,938 - In the car, now. - Dad. 203 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,732 I'm not fuckin' around! Now! 204 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,823 So, who is this, like, your dad? 205 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,283 Go away. 206 00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:24,909 I'm serious. I'll kill you. 207 00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:28,246 Your dad's kind of a dick. 208 00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:40,091 - (Mia) Kind of? - I don't want her hanging out here. 209 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:42,260 What am I supposed to do, kick her to the curb? 210 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:45,096 - She's my little pseudo-sister. - What is this? 211 00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,099 It's not a memoir. 212 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,852 It's a written account of my sexual relationship with you. 213 00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:52,937 Written by me as a fuckin' novel. 214 00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:56,274 Even I'm confused, and I stole the damn thing. 215 00:12:56,317 --> 00:13:00,361 Well, I hope you're enjoying it. I hope all my hard work is paying off for you. 216 00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:02,864 - Is it? - It is, very much so. 217 00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:06,159 Just as I hope you're enjoying my father's wife. 218 00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,745 - He says hi, by the way. - He doesn't. 219 00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:19,005 Are you all right... here? 220 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,757 You're all alone, and I... 221 00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:25,887 Much as it warms the cockles to hear you say it, I'm fine. 222 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,306 Don't worry about me. Worry about the Becca. 223 00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,767 She's pissed off and she's scared. 224 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,685 Scared? 225 00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:35,522 Think about it. She got what she always wanted, 226 00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:38,441 the happy ending to beat all happy endings. 227 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:42,153 She's just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for you to fuck it up, 228 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,906 or for Karen to realise she made a big mistake. 229 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:47,450 Both have been known to happen. 230 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,245 Goddamn it, I need a cigarette. 231 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:54,749 Goodbye. 232 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,094 I know you're pissed at me. 233 00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:08,972 I know your mother and I have done some unforgivable shit to you, 234 00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,850 and I know you're rapidly approaching that age where the thought of 235 00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:14,978 having a conversation with your father makes you nauseous. 236 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,856 But I just want you to know that I'm not gonna quit trying. 237 00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,899 OK? 238 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:23,611 Cos you're the best thing that ever happened to me. 239 00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,321 And I love the shit out of you. 240 00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,368 How's the balls? 241 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:37,083 The boys have seen better days. Thank you. 242 00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:42,672 Was that a laugh? My pain is funny to you? Jesus, you're just like your mother. 243 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:46,801 You should know what that woman put me through. It is a hideous, barbaric... 244 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,678 almost medieval procedure. 245 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,890 Hank, you're preaching to the choir, OK? I've been there. 246 00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:53,641 Really? You've been vasectomised? 247 00:14:53,684 --> 00:14:55,643 Why do you think we don't have any little rug rats? 248 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,896 I guess I just always assumed you were barren. 249 00:14:57,938 --> 00:14:58,897 Asshole. 250 00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:01,316 - Hey, be nice to my wounded soldier. - He started it. 251 00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:03,109 Or the bald eagle was shooting blanks. 252 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,904 That I am, my good man, ever since the snip, snip, snip. 253 00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:08,781 - Well, the second one. - Shh! You're gonna freak him out. 254 00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:11,284 What do you mean "the second one"? The second what? 255 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:14,370 You know, they... Sometimes, uh... 256 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:16,289 - It doesn't take. - Doesn't take? 257 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,292 - That's not cool at all. - Sometimes you got to do it again. 258 00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:22,086 I did not have a perfectly good chunk of my vas def cut off 259 00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:25,632 so I could go back to wearing condoms like some pimply-faced teenager. 260 00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,550 - I love the rubbers. - Why? 261 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,927 Why do you love rubbers? 262 00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,512 They slow me down, man. Keep me in the game. 263 00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:32,847 Retard sensation. 264 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,683 - He's an excitable boy. - That's right. 265 00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:40,188 Are you intimating that he ejaculates prema-charlie? 266 00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:42,315 - Nice. Thank you. - (Charlie) Great, right? 267 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,859 - Boop! - Brrup! 268 00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:46,778 Why would you guys want to go back 269 00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,697 - to that disgusting city of yours? - (Marcy) Oh, don't bring that up. 270 00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,075 (Karen) It's because it's a city. (Marcy) Oh, come on. 271 00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:54,827 (Man) Can I have a white wine? 272 00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:01,334 Yeah... Sonja. Hey. Hank. 273 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,087 Awkward. 274 00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:07,924 - Karen. - Hey, Karen! 275 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,550 - Hey, look. - (Karen) Hey, Sonja. 276 00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,344 (Charlie) Nice to see you again. 277 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,929 (Sonja) I found something that works better. 278 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,640 You mean you found something better 279 00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:20,144 than a pseudo-religious cult founded by a lunatic sci-fi hack? Do tell. 280 00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:22,355 Well, it's a little complicated over drinks. 281 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:24,857 But maybe lunch tomorrow? It's been too long. 282 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,734 - Sure. - Wait, hold on a second. 283 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:30,947 I'm not sure how I feel about two ladies with whom I've made the love lunching together. 284 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,031 Hank. 285 00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:35,451 OK, I'm pretty sure I feel pretty good about it. 286 00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:38,079 It's cute. You guys are officially back together? 287 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:41,290 For now. Until we fuck it up, right? 288 00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,668 - Could be any second now. - No. 289 00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:47,213 - Dude, Julian's a writer, too. - Really? My condolences. 290 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,508 He wrote The Artist Within. Fucking genius. 291 00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,760 - No way. - Check, please. 292 00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:56,139 - Hank, that's rude. - I'll send you guys a copy if you want. 293 00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:59,600 No need. I have it on my nightstand right now. I love it. 294 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:02,103 (Hank) Let me try to understand this. 295 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,398 Hold on a second. You write about what it's like to be an artist? 296 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:09,027 - Don't be a douche, Hank. - You ask the impossible, sweetheart. 297 00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:12,030 No, it's fine. The negativity is... It's normal. 298 00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:16,659 What I write about is... accessing the artist 299 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,245 that exists inside every single one of us. 300 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:23,833 It really works. I've never been happier. My business has never been better. 301 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:27,336 I'm thinking of expanding, bringing on an architect. We should talk. 302 00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:34,302 So, you really believe that everybody on this planet has an artist inside them, 303 00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:37,055 like, an inner Schnabel, if you will? 304 00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:38,264 I do. 305 00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:40,808 Which means you must consider yourself an artist. 306 00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:45,563 Uh, I like to think of myself as more of a creative midwife. 307 00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:49,984 Well, I like to think of myself as having a 12-inch cock, but it doesn't make it so. 308 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,569 - Oh, my God. - Two inches shy. 309 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,863 - Ay-oh! - Brrrup! 310 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,157 Ah, well, we have to get going, baby. 311 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,701 - Fashionably late is one thing... - Oh, right. 312 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,829 You know what? We're going to this party up in Laurel Canyon. 313 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:04,832 You guys want to come? You would fucking love this house. 314 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:07,376 - A party? Even us? - (Sonja) Yes, even you. 315 00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:09,879 - (Charlie) Fuckin' A, let's go. - No, but have fun. 316 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,802 (♪ Rock music) 317 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,978 I quit smoking. 318 00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:28,439 Wow. Look at you. No, I'm good, thanks. 319 00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:30,149 What, did you give it up for Lent? 320 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:31,234 No, I'm... 321 00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:32,568 I'm pregnant. 322 00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:36,656 - You didn't notice my bump? - I did. I just thought you put on weight. 323 00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:39,659 - No. - I'm kidding. Congratulations. 324 00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:42,245 Thanks. Thank you. Yeah, we're very happy. 325 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,080 Well done, lady. 326 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,291 Last time I saw you, you were boning a degenerate doggy-style 327 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,502 and projectile-vomiting all over Bill's bedroom. 328 00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:52,255 Two things which I totally dug about you. 329 00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:55,133 - Was that me? Wow. - Yeah, don't ever change. 330 00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,885 - What the hell? Oh! - What? 331 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,429 Shooting cock pain. I got to go. 332 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,098 - Good to see you. - OK. Yeah. 333 00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:03,307 Ow! 334 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,519 (Snorts) 335 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,312 Oh! My mama! 336 00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:10,648 What the fuck? 337 00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:14,360 I leave you alone for two seconds. You're not supposed to do that. 338 00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:17,655 - Why not, Daddy? - You know why not. 339 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,282 I know, but... 340 00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:21,450 Just look how nice they look. 341 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,536 Pretty little maids all in a row. Just... 342 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,080 You want to go back to Promises? 343 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,293 (Whispers) Come on. 344 00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:33,171 Don't you remember... 345 00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:39,343 ...how good the sex used to be... 346 00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:42,889 (English accent) when I used to sprinkle it on your naughty bits? 347 00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:47,310 I seem to recall something vaguely pleasant about the sensation, yes. 348 00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:03,743 Wow! What do you know? You're without "the artist within". 349 00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,077 Must be lonely. 350 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:08,456 You must be jealous. That's kind of cute. 351 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:10,625 Come on. We got to go. 352 00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:11,709 Hank? 353 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:16,464 I am so touched by what you did for me today. 354 00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:19,050 I am. 355 00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:20,176 Yes, but... 356 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,763 What I did for you today means that I can't do this 357 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,098 or anything like it for the next 48 hours. 358 00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:27,642 Oh, yeah. 359 00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:33,648 Well... there's more than one way to skin a cat. 360 00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:36,192 Jeez, I like you stoned. 361 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:39,028 You do? I like you liking me stoned. 362 00:20:42,824 --> 00:20:45,243 - Holy shit. - What? 363 00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:48,454 - I think you're giving me a boner. - That's great news. 364 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:51,999 It is great news. No, no, it is. I just... I'm afraid I might pop a stitch. 365 00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,085 - Come here. - No, I want to check it. 366 00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:55,336 I'll be right back. 367 00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:58,547 I don't want you to see him like this. It could be bloody. 368 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:01,008 What are you doing? 369 00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:05,221 - Assuming the posish. - Ow! 370 00:21:06,139 --> 00:21:08,891 Feel free to start without me. 371 00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:15,523 Hey, you got a rubber? 372 00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:20,069 I think I got the Ramses in my wallet from high school, but I'm pretty sure it's expired. 373 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,571 - Hand it over. - I was kidding. 374 00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:25,408 Fuckin' chick is insisting I wear a rubber. 375 00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:26,993 What is that all about? 376 00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:29,036 - That's not very rock 'n' roll. - Not at all. 377 00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:31,580 If it's dark enough, you could rip open an Alka-Seltzer. 378 00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:33,708 - And bang her with it? - No. 379 00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:36,961 It'll create the illusion that you're wearing a jimmy hat. 380 00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:40,423 David Copperfield does it. Not on stage. 381 00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,800 - Thanks, man. - You know, I was kidding. 382 00:22:17,961 --> 00:22:19,378 (Woman sighs) 383 00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:21,881 (Moaning) 384 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,051 (Groaning) 385 00:22:42,986 --> 00:22:44,862 (Moaning) 386 00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:50,910 (Gasps) 387 00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:56,415 (Woman) Hey, asshole! 388 00:22:57,959 --> 00:22:59,001 Hey! 389 00:22:59,294 --> 00:23:00,336 Hello? 390 00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,713 Karen! 391 00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:07,635 Karen! Karen! 392 00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:09,762 Hey, anybody got an Alka-Seltzer? 393 00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:10,846 Lew! 394 00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:14,433 This fucking perv just tried to mouth-rape me! 395 00:23:14,476 --> 00:23:16,394 Really? What the fuck, dude? 396 00:23:16,436 --> 00:23:19,313 You're a guest in my home, and you go mouth-rape... 397 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,401 - What's your name, sweetheart? - Destiny. 398 00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:24,777 Felicity. 399 00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:26,987 Come on, there was no raping. 400 00:23:27,030 --> 00:23:29,448 I wasn't raping. I'm not a rapey kind of guy. 401 00:23:31,284 --> 00:23:35,204 Karen! I was looking for you. There you are. God! Tell him I'm not rapey. 402 00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:38,874 I accidentally went down on her. 403 00:23:38,917 --> 00:23:42,044 What? How do you accidentally go down on someone? 404 00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,963 Big house, a lot of rooms, it was dark. 405 00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:47,758 I went to the bathroom, got turned around and accidentally went down on her. 406 00:23:50,846 --> 00:23:54,348 I'll buy it. Sell it to her. 407 00:23:56,059 --> 00:23:59,311 So I seem to have procured a little prophylactic. 408 00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:03,983 I'll get the car. 409 00:24:08,405 --> 00:24:10,990 I know, I smell like pussy. 410 00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:15,453 I'm sorry, Karen. I'm very sorry. That was an honest mistake. 411 00:24:15,495 --> 00:24:18,581 Oh! You just had your mouth on another woman's vagina? 412 00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:22,126 Yes, I did, but the moment my tongue hit clit I knew it wasn't yours. 413 00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:23,627 - Shut up. - It wasn't perfect. 414 00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:26,964 I could pick your pussy out of a police line-up of pussy. I could. 415 00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:30,050 You know, if your pussy was ever arrested, God forbid, 416 00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:33,888 and had to be identified in some kind of line-up, I would get it right away. 417 00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:38,517 "Pussy number 2, step forward, turn profile. That's Karen." 418 00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:43,939 Oh, my God. I must have been fucking crazy thinking things could be different. 419 00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:47,193 - (Siren) - Fuck me! 420 00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:56,869 Don't start saying things you can't take back. 421 00:24:56,912 --> 00:24:58,871 I don't want to take it back. 422 00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:00,539 - Yes, you do. - No, I don't. 423 00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:02,500 - You do. - Don't tell me what I mean. 424 00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:04,543 - Good evening, sir, ma'am. - Good evening. 425 00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:07,296 - You know why I stopped you? - No, I don't, sir. 426 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,423 Educate me, Officer... 427 00:25:10,258 --> 00:25:12,510 - Dick? Really? - (Whispers) Shut up. 428 00:25:12,552 --> 00:25:14,595 - Hank, shut up. - Officer Dick. 429 00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:16,931 That was mean. That was really a low blow. 430 00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:21,143 - Coming from the mouth rapist? - You have a headlight out. 431 00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:24,563 Yes, it's been that way for months, but tonight I get stopped, of all nights. 432 00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:25,898 Just my fuckin' luck! 433 00:25:25,982 --> 00:25:30,319 - Cos it's all about luck. It has nothing... - Can we just sleep on this? 434 00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:32,821 Is there a reason you're not wearing a shirt, sir? 435 00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:35,157 Yes, there is, officer. 436 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,494 There's a very good one, and I couldn't even begin to explain. 437 00:25:38,578 --> 00:25:42,122 No. Try, try. See if he thinks it was an honest mistake. 438 00:25:42,165 --> 00:25:44,333 OK, one more time, for the cheap seats. 439 00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:46,418 What happened there could have happened to anybody! 440 00:25:46,461 --> 00:25:49,964 Wrong place, wrong time, wrong vagina! 441 00:25:50,006 --> 00:25:52,800 Shh! I'm sorry. He's been drinking. 442 00:25:52,842 --> 00:25:54,718 What the fuck, Karen? 443 00:25:56,179 --> 00:25:59,348 - Have you been drinking, sir? - Hours ago. 444 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,560 But not to excess. I don't do that anymore. 445 00:26:02,602 --> 00:26:05,521 I mean, I do, but not nearly as often as I used to. 446 00:26:05,564 --> 00:26:11,443 - And he's been taking Vicodin. - (Chuckles) Come on, now. That's... Karen. 447 00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:16,156 I know you're pissed at me for going down on that woman, 448 00:26:16,199 --> 00:26:18,450 but are you trying to get me thrown in jail? 449 00:26:18,493 --> 00:26:20,369 - Shut the fuck up. - (Officer) Step out of the car. 450 00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:21,620 Hold on, sir... 451 00:26:21,663 --> 00:26:26,375 - Out of the car now. - You just caught us at a really bad time. 452 00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:30,129 Excuse me for saying so, ma'am. You don't have to put up with this kind of behaviour. 453 00:26:30,171 --> 00:26:33,424 - I know. He's... - You just mind your own fuckin' business! 454 00:26:33,466 --> 00:26:34,508 Excuse me, sir? 455 00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:38,345 All due respect, Officer, but aren't you stepping outside the job description? 456 00:26:38,388 --> 00:26:40,723 I didn't know you guys had the right to editorialise. 457 00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:46,186 Have you been smoking marijuana, sir? 458 00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:50,566 - One hit. One! - OK, let's go. Turn around. 459 00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:52,818 You can't arrest somebody for being a wiseass. 460 00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:55,654 No, but I certainly can for driving under the influence. 461 00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:57,323 Officer, excuse me. 462 00:26:57,365 --> 00:27:00,117 This is just, like, a big misunderstanding. 463 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,785 Of course it is. OK? 464 00:27:01,828 --> 00:27:03,996 The thing that I can't understand 465 00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:07,916 is what a woman like that is doing with a prick like you. 466 00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:09,793 She's got to have a screw loose, right? 467 00:27:09,836 --> 00:27:12,171 Maybe that's how you like 'em, right, a little crazy? 468 00:27:12,213 --> 00:27:14,965 Maybe if you go down on her a little more often... 469 00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:16,258 Oof! 470 00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:18,385 Hank! What the... 471 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,013 Hank! No! 472 00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:24,767 - Ow! - No! 473 00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:33,484 - Not the balls! - Ah! 474 00:27:35,195 --> 00:27:37,696 (♪ Warren Zevon: My Shit's Fucked Up) 475 00:27:37,739 --> 00:27:40,115 ♪ He said the shit that used to work 476 00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:43,494 ♪ Won't work now 477 00:27:44,537 --> 00:27:46,538 ♪ Yeah, my shit's fucked up 478 00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:53,545 ♪ That amazing grace 479 00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:56,840 ♪ Sorta passed you by 480 00:27:58,218 --> 00:28:00,052 ♪ You wake up every day 481 00:28:01,513 --> 00:28:03,597 ♪ And you start to cry 482 00:28:05,016 --> 00:28:06,892 ♪ You wanna die 483 00:28:08,228 --> 00:28:10,270 ♪ But you just can't quit 484 00:28:11,439 --> 00:28:13,607 ♪ Lemme break it on down 485 00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:16,902 ♪ It's the fucked up shit ♪ 485 00:28:17,305 --> 00:29:17,179 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 37913

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