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00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:18,934
Previously on Californication...
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00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:23,063
I'm having what you might call a crisis
of faith. To put it simply, I can't write.
4
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:26,692
You have this incredible talent,
and you're just flushing it down the toilet.
5
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,861
Maybe you're right.
I'm fucked up right now.
6
00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:31,155
- I need you.
- No, I'm getting married.
7
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:35,325
- Is Dad a bad person?
- No. Not at all.
8
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:38,328
I mean, he does have a habit
of getting into trouble sometimes.
9
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:39,747
Fuckin' fucker!
10
00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:45,669
Get on with your life. And forget about
the woman you didn't want to marry.
11
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:49,131
As your friend and agent, may I suggest
you start looking for a nice girl.
12
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,216
What is your name, by the way?
13
00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:53,218
Wouldn't you rather just fuck me?
14
00:00:53,261 --> 00:00:54,595
I'm a scientologist, Hank.
15
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,099
So, you're the famous writer, huh?
16
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,852
This is Mia, Bill's daughter.
17
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:03,729
She's 16.
18
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:07,274
What happened the other night
will never happen again.
19
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,234
I know you guys aren't gonna live
happily ever after.
20
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,653
It's just nice to be together sometimes.
21
00:01:11,696 --> 00:01:14,281
I want to go back
and do it all over again.
22
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:15,657
I'm gonna marry Bill.
23
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,327
- I wrote something.
- You what?
24
00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:21,455
- Hank wrote a new book? Can I read it?
- I don't think that's appropriate.
25
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:22,539
What did you write?
26
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,292
An older man unwittingly beds
an underage girl.
27
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,418
I wrote this novel.
28
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:29,421
- This woman's written the book of the year.
- Is that right?
29
00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:32,716
If I say anything,
there's no stopping her from telling Karen.
30
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:33,842
Fuck, the police.
31
00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:36,637
If anyone knows of a reason
why this couple should not wed,
32
00:01:36,679 --> 00:01:38,472
speak now or forever hold your peace.
33
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:39,807
What?
34
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,601
- Wait! Hank!
- You sure?
35
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,478
Quick, before I change my fuckin' mind.
36
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,688
Karen, wait!
Come back!
37
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:59,076
(♪ Echoing guitar intro)
38
00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,454
(Alarm beeps)
39
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:06,166
(♪ The Mamas & the Papas:
California Dreamin' on radio)
40
00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:24,852
(Sighs)
41
00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,278
Are you ready?
42
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:37,698
Fuck, no.
43
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:41,910
You are gonna be so glad you did this.
44
00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:44,037
I don't want to talk about it right now.
45
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:48,083
I've got a godlike erection.
Seems a shame to waste it.
46
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,419
- We got to get going.
- Really?
47
00:02:50,461 --> 00:02:53,505
- Mm-hm.
- You'd deny a dying man his final meal?
48
00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:57,843
Oh, my God. You're gonna milk this
for all it's worth, aren't you?
49
00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:01,013
Absolutely.
Don't make me beg. It's unseemly.
50
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:07,144
- Fine. You better make it snappy.
- Oh, you won't feel a thing. I promise.
51
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:12,399
- Oh, what are you doing?
- Just assuming the posish.
52
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,234
Oh. Oh, hot diggety.
53
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:17,863
- What are you doing?
- I'm assuming my posish.
54
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:21,491
Get a rubber. One more time.
Come on, what's the big deal?
55
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:25,954
That's my point exactly.
I'll pull out and hose you down.
56
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,540
Ooh! Is that supposed to turn me on?
57
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:29,958
Maybe.
58
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:32,502
- Did it?
- Not so much.
59
00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:44,389
You better start talking dirty.
This could take a while. Urgh!
60
00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:45,724
OK.
61
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:49,061
- What do you want me to say?
- Right before you come...
62
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:52,105
- Mm-hm.
...call me Bill.
63
00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:55,651
- Who says I'm gonna come?
- Ooh, a challenge.
64
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:57,986
Game on.
65
00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,446
(Twanging)
66
00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:02,366
Get ready for Thor's hammer.
67
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,748
(Snipping)
68
00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,959
- You want to see it?
- See what?
69
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,544
The section of the vas def I just cut out.
70
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,129
Vas definitely not.
71
00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:20,300
If it feels like I'm sewing the flesh
at the base of your penis back together,
72
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,510
that's because I am.
73
00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:24,388
Why do you look like a welder?
You're not welding anything, are you?
74
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:27,182
- So, why the vasectomy?
- I hate the rubbers.
75
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:31,103
Yeah, me too.
Can't feel a damn thing.
76
00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:34,106
- Ow!
- Try not to give the guy a hard-on, OK?
77
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,233
That would be messy.
78
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,567
(Sizzling)
79
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:40,946
(Whistles)
Looks like there's a new Pope.
80
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:44,533
Pain and swelling, totally normal.
A bag of frozen peas should do the trick.
81
00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:47,244
Some prefer edamame.
It's totally up to you.
82
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,247
No sex for 48 hours,
and that includes masturbation.
83
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,207
After that, the more the better.
84
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:55,335
Seriously. You still got
a lot of viable sperm up in there.
85
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:59,423
Got to get it out somehow.
If you need any help, let me know.
86
00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:01,550
Great-looking cock.
87
00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:03,260
(Rings bell)
88
00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:05,762
Thank you.
89
00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:58,648
Don't think I don't see
what's happening here.
90
00:05:58,691 --> 00:05:59,816
Oh, what's that?
91
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,985
You're not attracted to me anymore.
92
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,820
That's right, that's right.
93
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,822
I ran away with you on my wedding night
94
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:08,367
because you just don't do it for me
anymore.
95
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,327
Yes. See, on a purely chemical level,
96
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,038
you realise that
I can't impregnate you any more.
97
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,624
The biological imperative
has been compromised.
98
00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:18,960
You should consider yourself lucky
that we're even having sex.
99
00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:24,216
Oh, I do. I do. And it's been rad. You know,
I forgot what a little hellcat you can be.
100
00:06:24,258 --> 00:06:26,760
- Meow!
- No, no, no. Please, don't do that.
101
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,553
- No, that was gross.
- Seriously.
102
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,472
A man should not meow... ever.
103
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,058
We're doing what couples do, Hank.
104
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:37,187
We're making responsible,
grown-up decisions.
105
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,271
Together.
106
00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:41,108
- Why are you smiling like that?
- How am I smiling?
107
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,860
Like a retard.
108
00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:47,280
It was just nice to hear you
refer to us as a couple again.
109
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,574
- Sounded good.
- Wow...
110
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:53,245
They really did neuter you,
didn't they?
111
00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:54,454
Kiss the eunuch.
112
00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:59,918
- Oh, honey! God. Don't grind. No grinding.
- I know, but I forgot. I'm so sorry.
113
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,962
(♪ Heavy metal blaring)
114
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,889
(Turns volume down)
115
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:17,811
How's the package?
116
00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:20,730
This is not a conversation I ever wanted
to have with my daughter,
117
00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,357
but thanks for asking, sweetie.
118
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,444
- She called.
- She who?
119
00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:28,989
That real estate whore.
She's bringing some people by.
120
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,574
Language, young lady.
121
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:35,203
Next time she tells me to clean my room,
I'm gonna say, "Clean this, lady!"
122
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,872
And give her a titty twister.
123
00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:37,998
(Laughs)
124
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,584
As much as I'd like to see that,
125
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:43,128
the idea is to sell this place
and get out of dodge.
126
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,922
If you tidied up your shrine
to Norwegian death metal,
127
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:47,841
it might facilitate things a little bit.
128
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:50,844
I don't want to help sell the place
because I don't want to move.
129
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,263
This is our home.
We're happy here.
130
00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:55,724
I love L.A.
131
00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:57,100
She's your daughter.
132
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:02,147
Hey, honey, not that I mind having this
conversation for the 73rd time this week,
133
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:05,108
but could we do it maybe
when Daddy's balls don't ache so much?
134
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,194
And it's black metal, not Norwegian!
135
00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:08,987
- She needs more time.
- (Door slams)
136
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:12,824
Karen, we have discussed this
like the responsible parents that we are.
137
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:15,452
- (♪ Heavy metal plays)
- New York will always be there for us.
138
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,370
You agreed she'd be better off
in New York.
139
00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:21,291
But we don't have the right to yank her
away from the only life she knows.
140
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,376
Damn it. I need a cigarette.
141
00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:25,128
How about a Vicodin?
142
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:27,380
Oh, I like-o-din.
143
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:28,632
Well, that'll do.
144
00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:32,135
My poor little gelding.
145
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,261
That's mean.
146
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,392
- Oh, Karen. Karen!
- (Door opens and shuts)
147
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:41,061
Peas!
148
00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:42,812
Or edamame!
149
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:45,148
(♪ Heavy metal continues)
150
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,219
That is nice.
151
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:22,644
Make yourself at home.
152
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,855
Mi casa es su casa.
153
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,901
Might want to start out at the patio,
though.
154
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:39,286
Hey, big fella, you think I might get
my hands on some frozen veggies there?
155
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,454
I think you should wait your fuckin' turn.
156
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,171
You.
157
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:51,381
Me.
158
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,799
- We...
- Sure did.
159
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,552
- Couple of times, actually.
- Long time ago.
160
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,804
In a galaxy not so far away.
161
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,599
So, what's going on?
162
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:02,601
Oh, not much.
I'm just, uh, you know,
163
00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:06,438
in the market for some frozen peas,
maybe some edamame.
164
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,064
Totally up to me.
165
00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:09,941
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
166
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,568
Why? I'm fine.
167
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,070
I don't know,
you seem like you're in pain.
168
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,489
No more than usual.
How you doing?
169
00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,618
Same old.
Livin' la vida loca.
170
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:22,454
True dat.
It's hard out there for a pimp.
171
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,248
So...
172
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:31,963
Do you want to get high
and listen to some... records?
173
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,048
Oh, dear.
174
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:38,928
Would that I could but... big life changes
since last we made the love.
175
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,805
Got back together with the ex.
176
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,558
Baby mama.
177
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:44,809
It's on.
178
00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:47,979
That's too bad.
179
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,148
You were a great lay.
180
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,943
That is...
181
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,529
so sweet of you to say.
182
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:59,199
I will tell the old lady you said so.
183
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,034
Be well, Hank.
184
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,708
You too...
185
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,131
...surfer girl.
186
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,342
What are you, some kind of pussy?
187
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,344
She would have totally fucked you.
188
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:22,764
- I don't do that anymore.
- You should do that while you still can.
189
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,308
You never know when
you're gonna wind up in one of these.
190
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:28,770
You don't really need that thing, I bet.
You just like to zip around in it.
191
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,647
- Makes you feel special.
- Oh, yeah?
192
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,482
You ever hear of a prolapsed rectum?
193
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,566
Asshole.
194
00:11:33,609 --> 00:11:34,693
(Phone rings)
195
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,569
Rectum?
196
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:38,613
Damn near killed him.
197
00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:42,283
Hello?
198
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:43,410
Yeah? No.
199
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:45,328
Oh, she was there when I left.
200
00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:57,298
(♪ Distorted electric guitar)
201
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,685
You, Becca.
202
00:12:09,478 --> 00:12:11,938
- In the car, now.
- Dad.
203
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,732
I'm not fuckin' around! Now!
204
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,823
So, who is this, like, your dad?
205
00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,283
Go away.
206
00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:24,909
I'm serious. I'll kill you.
207
00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:28,246
Your dad's kind of a dick.
208
00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:40,091
- (Mia) Kind of?
- I don't want her hanging out here.
209
00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:42,260
What am I supposed to do,
kick her to the curb?
210
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:45,096
- She's my little pseudo-sister.
- What is this?
211
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,099
It's not a memoir.
212
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,852
It's a written account
of my sexual relationship with you.
213
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:52,937
Written by me as a fuckin' novel.
214
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:56,274
Even I'm confused,
and I stole the damn thing.
215
00:12:56,317 --> 00:13:00,361
Well, I hope you're enjoying it. I hope
all my hard work is paying off for you.
216
00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:02,864
- Is it?
- It is, very much so.
217
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:06,159
Just as I hope you're enjoying
my father's wife.
218
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,745
- He says hi, by the way.
- He doesn't.
219
00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:19,005
Are you all right... here?
220
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,757
You're all alone, and I...
221
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:25,887
Much as it warms the cockles
to hear you say it, I'm fine.
222
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,306
Don't worry about me.
Worry about the Becca.
223
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,767
She's pissed off and she's scared.
224
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,685
Scared?
225
00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:35,522
Think about it.
She got what she always wanted,
226
00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:38,441
the happy ending
to beat all happy endings.
227
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:42,153
She's just waiting for the other shoe
to drop, for you to fuck it up,
228
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,906
or for Karen to realise
she made a big mistake.
229
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:47,450
Both have been known to happen.
230
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,245
Goddamn it,
I need a cigarette.
231
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:54,749
Goodbye.
232
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,094
I know you're pissed at me.
233
00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:08,972
I know your mother and I have done
some unforgivable shit to you,
234
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,850
and I know you're rapidly approaching
that age where the thought of
235
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:14,978
having a conversation with your father
makes you nauseous.
236
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,856
But I just want you to know
that I'm not gonna quit trying.
237
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,899
OK?
238
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:23,611
Cos you're the best thing
that ever happened to me.
239
00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,321
And I love the shit out of you.
240
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,368
How's the balls?
241
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:37,083
The boys have seen better days.
Thank you.
242
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:42,672
Was that a laugh? My pain is funny to you?
Jesus, you're just like your mother.
243
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:46,801
You should know what that woman
put me through. It is a hideous, barbaric...
244
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,678
almost medieval procedure.
245
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,890
Hank, you're preaching to the choir, OK?
I've been there.
246
00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:53,641
Really? You've been vasectomised?
247
00:14:53,684 --> 00:14:55,643
Why do you think
we don't have any little rug rats?
248
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,896
I guess I just always
assumed you were barren.
249
00:14:57,938 --> 00:14:58,897
Asshole.
250
00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:01,316
- Hey, be nice to my wounded soldier.
- He started it.
251
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:03,109
Or the bald eagle was shooting blanks.
252
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,904
That I am, my good man,
ever since the snip, snip, snip.
253
00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:08,781
- Well, the second one.
- Shh! You're gonna freak him out.
254
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:11,284
What do you mean "the second one"?
The second what?
255
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:14,370
You know, they...
Sometimes, uh...
256
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:16,289
- It doesn't take.
- Doesn't take?
257
00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,292
- That's not cool at all.
- Sometimes you got to do it again.
258
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:22,086
I did not have a perfectly good chunk
of my vas def cut off
259
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:25,632
so I could go back to wearing condoms
like some pimply-faced teenager.
260
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,550
- I love the rubbers.
- Why?
261
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,927
Why do you love rubbers?
262
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,512
They slow me down, man.
Keep me in the game.
263
00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:32,847
Retard sensation.
264
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,683
- He's an excitable boy.
- That's right.
265
00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:40,188
Are you intimating that
he ejaculates prema-charlie?
266
00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:42,315
- Nice. Thank you.
- (Charlie) Great, right?
267
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,859
- Boop!
- Brrup!
268
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:46,778
Why would you guys want to go back
269
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,697
- to that disgusting city of yours?
- (Marcy) Oh, don't bring that up.
270
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,075
(Karen) It's because it's a city.
(Marcy) Oh, come on.
271
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:54,827
(Man) Can I have a white wine?
272
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:01,334
Yeah... Sonja.
Hey. Hank.
273
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,087
Awkward.
274
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:07,924
- Karen.
- Hey, Karen!
275
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,550
- Hey, look.
- (Karen) Hey, Sonja.
276
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,344
(Charlie) Nice to see you again.
277
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,929
(Sonja) I found something
that works better.
278
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,640
You mean you found something better
279
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:20,144
than a pseudo-religious cult
founded by a lunatic sci-fi hack? Do tell.
280
00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:22,355
Well, it's a little complicated over drinks.
281
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:24,857
But maybe lunch tomorrow?
It's been too long.
282
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,734
- Sure.
- Wait, hold on a second.
283
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:30,947
I'm not sure how I feel about two ladies with
whom I've made the love lunching together.
284
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,031
Hank.
285
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:35,451
OK, I'm pretty sure
I feel pretty good about it.
286
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:38,079
It's cute. You guys
are officially back together?
287
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:41,290
For now. Until we fuck it up, right?
288
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,668
- Could be any second now.
- No.
289
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:47,213
- Dude, Julian's a writer, too.
- Really? My condolences.
290
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,508
He wrote The Artist Within.
Fucking genius.
291
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,760
- No way.
- Check, please.
292
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:56,139
- Hank, that's rude.
- I'll send you guys a copy if you want.
293
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:59,600
No need. I have it
on my nightstand right now. I love it.
294
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:02,103
(Hank) Let me try to understand this.
295
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,398
Hold on a second. You write about
what it's like to be an artist?
296
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:09,027
- Don't be a douche, Hank.
- You ask the impossible, sweetheart.
297
00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:12,030
No, it's fine.
The negativity is... It's normal.
298
00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:16,659
What I write about is...
accessing the artist
299
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,245
that exists inside every single one of us.
300
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:23,833
It really works. I've never been happier.
My business has never been better.
301
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:27,336
I'm thinking of expanding,
bringing on an architect. We should talk.
302
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:34,302
So, you really believe that everybody
on this planet has an artist inside them,
303
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:37,055
like, an inner Schnabel, if you will?
304
00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:38,264
I do.
305
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:40,808
Which means you
must consider yourself an artist.
306
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:45,563
Uh, I like to think of myself
as more of a creative midwife.
307
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:49,984
Well, I like to think of myself as having
a 12-inch cock, but it doesn't make it so.
308
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,569
- Oh, my God.
- Two inches shy.
309
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,863
- Ay-oh!
- Brrrup!
310
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,157
Ah, well, we have to get going, baby.
311
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,701
- Fashionably late is one thing...
- Oh, right.
312
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,829
You know what? We're going to this party
up in Laurel Canyon.
313
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:04,832
You guys want to come?
You would fucking love this house.
314
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:07,376
- A party? Even us?
- (Sonja) Yes, even you.
315
00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:09,879
- (Charlie) Fuckin' A, let's go.
- No, but have fun.
316
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,802
(♪ Rock music)
317
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,978
I quit smoking.
318
00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:28,439
Wow. Look at you.
No, I'm good, thanks.
319
00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:30,149
What, did you give it up for Lent?
320
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:31,234
No, I'm...
321
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:32,568
I'm pregnant.
322
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:36,656
- You didn't notice my bump?
- I did. I just thought you put on weight.
323
00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:39,659
- No.
- I'm kidding. Congratulations.
324
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:42,245
Thanks. Thank you.
Yeah, we're very happy.
325
00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,080
Well done, lady.
326
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,291
Last time I saw you, you were
boning a degenerate doggy-style
327
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,502
and projectile-vomiting
all over Bill's bedroom.
328
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:52,255
Two things which I totally dug about you.
329
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:55,133
- Was that me? Wow.
- Yeah, don't ever change.
330
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,885
- What the hell? Oh!
- What?
331
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,429
Shooting cock pain.
I got to go.
332
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,098
- Good to see you.
- OK. Yeah.
333
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:03,307
Ow!
334
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,519
(Snorts)
335
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,312
Oh! My mama!
336
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:10,648
What the fuck?
337
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:14,360
I leave you alone for two seconds.
You're not supposed to do that.
338
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:17,655
- Why not, Daddy?
- You know why not.
339
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,282
I know, but...
340
00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:21,450
Just look how nice they look.
341
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,536
Pretty little maids all in a row. Just...
342
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,080
You want to go back to Promises?
343
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,293
(Whispers) Come on.
344
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:33,171
Don't you remember...
345
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:39,343
...how good the sex used to be...
346
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:42,889
(English accent) when I used
to sprinkle it on your naughty bits?
347
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:47,310
I seem to recall something vaguely pleasant
about the sensation, yes.
348
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:03,743
Wow! What do you know?
You're without "the artist within".
349
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,077
Must be lonely.
350
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:08,456
You must be jealous.
That's kind of cute.
351
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:10,625
Come on. We got to go.
352
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:11,709
Hank?
353
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:16,464
I am so touched
by what you did for me today.
354
00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:19,050
I am.
355
00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:20,176
Yes, but...
356
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,763
What I did for you today
means that I can't do this
357
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,098
or anything like it for the next 48 hours.
358
00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:27,642
Oh, yeah.
359
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:33,648
Well... there's more than one way
to skin a cat.
360
00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:36,192
Jeez, I like you stoned.
361
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:39,028
You do? I like you liking me stoned.
362
00:20:42,824 --> 00:20:45,243
- Holy shit.
- What?
363
00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:48,454
- I think you're giving me a boner.
- That's great news.
364
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:51,999
It is great news. No, no, it is.
I just... I'm afraid I might pop a stitch.
365
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,085
- Come here.
- No, I want to check it.
366
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:55,336
I'll be right back.
367
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:58,547
I don't want you to see him like this.
It could be bloody.
368
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:01,008
What are you doing?
369
00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:05,221
- Assuming the posish.
- Ow!
370
00:21:06,139 --> 00:21:08,891
Feel free to start without me.
371
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:15,523
Hey, you got a rubber?
372
00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:20,069
I think I got the Ramses in my wallet from
high school, but I'm pretty sure it's expired.
373
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,571
- Hand it over.
- I was kidding.
374
00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:25,408
Fuckin' chick is insisting I wear a rubber.
375
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:26,993
What is that all about?
376
00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:29,036
- That's not very rock 'n' roll.
- Not at all.
377
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:31,580
If it's dark enough,
you could rip open an Alka-Seltzer.
378
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:33,708
- And bang her with it?
- No.
379
00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:36,961
It'll create the illusion
that you're wearing a jimmy hat.
380
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:40,423
David Copperfield does it.
Not on stage.
381
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,800
- Thanks, man.
- You know, I was kidding.
382
00:22:17,961 --> 00:22:19,378
(Woman sighs)
383
00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:21,881
(Moaning)
384
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,051
(Groaning)
385
00:22:42,986 --> 00:22:44,862
(Moaning)
386
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:50,910
(Gasps)
387
00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:56,415
(Woman) Hey, asshole!
388
00:22:57,959 --> 00:22:59,001
Hey!
389
00:22:59,294 --> 00:23:00,336
Hello?
390
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,713
Karen!
391
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:07,635
Karen! Karen!
392
00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:09,762
Hey, anybody got an Alka-Seltzer?
393
00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:10,846
Lew!
394
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:14,433
This fucking perv
just tried to mouth-rape me!
395
00:23:14,476 --> 00:23:16,394
Really? What the fuck, dude?
396
00:23:16,436 --> 00:23:19,313
You're a guest in my home,
and you go mouth-rape...
397
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,401
- What's your name, sweetheart?
- Destiny.
398
00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:24,777
Felicity.
399
00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:26,987
Come on, there was no raping.
400
00:23:27,030 --> 00:23:29,448
I wasn't raping.
I'm not a rapey kind of guy.
401
00:23:31,284 --> 00:23:35,204
Karen! I was looking for you. There you are.
God! Tell him I'm not rapey.
402
00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:38,874
I accidentally went down on her.
403
00:23:38,917 --> 00:23:42,044
What? How do you accidentally
go down on someone?
404
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,963
Big house, a lot of rooms, it was dark.
405
00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:47,758
I went to the bathroom, got turned around
and accidentally went down on her.
406
00:23:50,846 --> 00:23:54,348
I'll buy it. Sell it to her.
407
00:23:56,059 --> 00:23:59,311
So I seem to have procured
a little prophylactic.
408
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:03,983
I'll get the car.
409
00:24:08,405 --> 00:24:10,990
I know, I smell like pussy.
410
00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:15,453
I'm sorry, Karen. I'm very sorry.
That was an honest mistake.
411
00:24:15,495 --> 00:24:18,581
Oh! You just had your mouth
on another woman's vagina?
412
00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:22,126
Yes, I did, but the moment
my tongue hit clit I knew it wasn't yours.
413
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:23,627
- Shut up.
- It wasn't perfect.
414
00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:26,964
I could pick your pussy out
of a police line-up of pussy. I could.
415
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:30,050
You know, if your pussy was ever arrested,
God forbid,
416
00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:33,888
and had to be identified in some kind of
line-up, I would get it right away.
417
00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:38,517
"Pussy number 2, step forward,
turn profile. That's Karen."
418
00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:43,939
Oh, my God. I must have been fucking
crazy thinking things could be different.
419
00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:47,193
- (Siren)
- Fuck me!
420
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:56,869
Don't start saying things
you can't take back.
421
00:24:56,912 --> 00:24:58,871
I don't want to take it back.
422
00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:00,539
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
423
00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:02,500
- You do.
- Don't tell me what I mean.
424
00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:04,543
- Good evening, sir, ma'am.
- Good evening.
425
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:07,296
- You know why I stopped you?
- No, I don't, sir.
426
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,423
Educate me, Officer...
427
00:25:10,258 --> 00:25:12,510
- Dick? Really?
- (Whispers) Shut up.
428
00:25:12,552 --> 00:25:14,595
- Hank, shut up.
- Officer Dick.
429
00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:16,931
That was mean.
That was really a low blow.
430
00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:21,143
- Coming from the mouth rapist?
- You have a headlight out.
431
00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:24,563
Yes, it's been that way for months,
but tonight I get stopped, of all nights.
432
00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:25,898
Just my fuckin' luck!
433
00:25:25,982 --> 00:25:30,319
- Cos it's all about luck. It has nothing...
- Can we just sleep on this?
434
00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:32,821
Is there a reason
you're not wearing a shirt, sir?
435
00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:35,157
Yes, there is, officer.
436
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,494
There's a very good one,
and I couldn't even begin to explain.
437
00:25:38,578 --> 00:25:42,122
No. Try, try.
See if he thinks it was an honest mistake.
438
00:25:42,165 --> 00:25:44,333
OK, one more time, for the cheap seats.
439
00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:46,418
What happened there
could have happened to anybody!
440
00:25:46,461 --> 00:25:49,964
Wrong place, wrong time, wrong vagina!
441
00:25:50,006 --> 00:25:52,800
Shh! I'm sorry. He's been drinking.
442
00:25:52,842 --> 00:25:54,718
What the fuck, Karen?
443
00:25:56,179 --> 00:25:59,348
- Have you been drinking, sir?
- Hours ago.
444
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,560
But not to excess.
I don't do that anymore.
445
00:26:02,602 --> 00:26:05,521
I mean, I do,
but not nearly as often as I used to.
446
00:26:05,564 --> 00:26:11,443
- And he's been taking Vicodin.
- (Chuckles) Come on, now. That's... Karen.
447
00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:16,156
I know you're pissed at me
for going down on that woman,
448
00:26:16,199 --> 00:26:18,450
but are you trying to get me thrown in jail?
449
00:26:18,493 --> 00:26:20,369
- Shut the fuck up.
- (Officer) Step out of the car.
450
00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:21,620
Hold on, sir...
451
00:26:21,663 --> 00:26:26,375
- Out of the car now.
- You just caught us at a really bad time.
452
00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:30,129
Excuse me for saying so, ma'am. You don't
have to put up with this kind of behaviour.
453
00:26:30,171 --> 00:26:33,424
- I know. He's...
- You just mind your own fuckin' business!
454
00:26:33,466 --> 00:26:34,508
Excuse me, sir?
455
00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:38,345
All due respect, Officer, but aren't
you stepping outside the job description?
456
00:26:38,388 --> 00:26:40,723
I didn't know you guys
had the right to editorialise.
457
00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:46,186
Have you been smoking marijuana, sir?
458
00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:50,566
- One hit. One!
- OK, let's go. Turn around.
459
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:52,818
You can't arrest somebody
for being a wiseass.
460
00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:55,654
No, but I certainly can
for driving under the influence.
461
00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:57,323
Officer, excuse me.
462
00:26:57,365 --> 00:27:00,117
This is just, like, a big misunderstanding.
463
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,785
Of course it is. OK?
464
00:27:01,828 --> 00:27:03,996
The thing that I can't understand
465
00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:07,916
is what a woman like that
is doing with a prick like you.
466
00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:09,793
She's got to have a screw loose, right?
467
00:27:09,836 --> 00:27:12,171
Maybe that's how you like 'em, right,
a little crazy?
468
00:27:12,213 --> 00:27:14,965
Maybe if you go down on her
a little more often...
469
00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:16,258
Oof!
470
00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:18,385
Hank! What the...
471
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,013
Hank! No!
472
00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:24,767
- Ow!
- No!
473
00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:33,484
- Not the balls!
- Ah!
474
00:27:35,195 --> 00:27:37,696
(♪ Warren Zevon: My Shit's Fucked Up)
475
00:27:37,739 --> 00:27:40,115
♪ He said the shit that used to work
476
00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:43,494
♪ Won't work now
477
00:27:44,537 --> 00:27:46,538
♪ Yeah, my shit's fucked up
478
00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:53,545
♪ That amazing grace
479
00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:56,840
♪ Sorta passed you by
480
00:27:58,218 --> 00:28:00,052
♪ You wake up every day
481
00:28:01,513 --> 00:28:03,597
♪ And you start to cry
482
00:28:05,016 --> 00:28:06,892
♪ You wanna die
483
00:28:08,228 --> 00:28:10,270
♪ But you just can't quit
484
00:28:11,439 --> 00:28:13,607
♪ Lemme break it on down
485
00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:16,902
♪ It's the fucked up shit ♪
485
00:28:17,305 --> 00:29:17,179
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