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1
00:00:04,656 --> 00:00:06,484
Obviously, I don't have
to remind you gentlemen
2
00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:08,312
that this meeting never took place.
3
00:00:08,356 --> 00:00:10,575
Of course not, Mayor Blossom.
4
00:00:10,619 --> 00:00:13,230
Has Ethel Muggs been talking much
5
00:00:13,274 --> 00:00:14,971
since she's been with the Sisters?
6
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,712
Not a peep.
7
00:00:16,755 --> 00:00:20,281
Sister Woodhouse has
imposed a vow of silence.
8
00:00:20,324 --> 00:00:21,978
Very good.
9
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,501
- What about the PTA?
- Parents are still upset.
10
00:00:23,501 --> 00:00:25,199
It's all they talk
about at our meetings.
11
00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:26,983
Who killed Mr. and Mrs. Muggs?
12
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:30,334
As long as people remain
focused on this murder case,
13
00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:35,774
the more precarious our grasp
of the situation becomes.
14
00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:37,211
What's the Sheriff's office doing?
15
00:00:37,254 --> 00:00:41,258
Tom is trying to find this "milkman"
16
00:00:41,302 --> 00:00:42,346
and the murder weapon.
17
00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:43,782
Why is he doing that?
18
00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:50,572
I have the murder weapon right here.
19
00:00:50,615 --> 00:00:52,052
What are you getting at, Fredreich?
20
00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:53,705
We have to stop rehashing
21
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:56,360
the Muggs murder case
and start making sure
22
00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:59,233
that something like
it never happens again.
23
00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:02,714
In my extensive research,
in case after case,
24
00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:07,632
comic books are the influencing
factor in most incidents
25
00:01:07,676 --> 00:01:11,332
of juvenile delinquency
and teen violence.
26
00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:14,857
They are a moral scourge, gentlemen.
27
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:18,078
And their creators,
criminal degenerates.
28
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:21,081
That's what the PTA
should be talking about.
29
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,124
Comic books.
30
00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:25,389
Not the Muggs.
31
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:30,351
And I believe I know exactly
how to make that happen.
32
00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:39,316
Well, look who strolls in
whenever his heart desires.
33
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,360
What do you want, kid?
34
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,405
I was just in the neighborhood.
35
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:43,451
Where is everyone?
36
00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:44,843
They're all out with a stomach bug.
37
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,410
Now I'm under more
water than the Titanic.
38
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:47,628
Can I help?
39
00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:49,370
I need a full issue...
40
00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:50,501
I can do that.
41
00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:51,894
... written by tomorrow morning.
42
00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:53,287
Yeah, that's no problem, Mr. Fieldstone.
43
00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:54,853
I'm fast. I'm a great speller.
44
00:01:54,896 --> 00:01:57,029
Four stories. Seven pages each.
45
00:01:57,073 --> 00:01:58,378
Zero margin for error.
46
00:01:58,422 --> 00:01:59,509
I'll write 'em on spec.
47
00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:01,469
If you like them, then great.
48
00:02:01,512 --> 00:02:03,775
And if not, there's plenty
more where that came from.
49
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,647
Right.
50
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:08,389
If you have trouble
coming up with some ideas,
51
00:02:08,431 --> 00:02:10,259
take these springboards.
52
00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:11,696
Talk them through with Bernie.
53
00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,568
I will. Won't let you down.
54
00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:15,309
Bernie.
55
00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:21,793
Gosh, Bernie, all these
stories have been done to death.
56
00:02:21,837 --> 00:02:24,361
Aren't there any original ideas anymore?
57
00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:25,579
Says the teenager?
58
00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:29,932
Bernie, you're a genius.
59
00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:33,631
What about stories about
teenagers and high school?
60
00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:35,851
Pep Comics doesn't have
any of those, right?
61
00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:36,982
Uh...
62
00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:38,245
Al says he doesn't relate to them.
63
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,638
But teenagers do buy our books.
64
00:02:40,682 --> 00:02:42,945
Well, shucks, me and my friends do.
65
00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:45,034
What about a narrator
66
00:02:45,077 --> 00:02:50,170
that's actually a witchy lunch
lady, or a creepy janitor?
67
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:53,216
We can call it "Homeroom of Horrors."
68
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,478
Huh?
69
00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:55,958
You think Mr. Fieldstone will bite?
70
00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:57,001
Sure.
71
00:02:57,481 --> 00:02:58,656
Give it a whirl.
72
00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:08,362
There's my little tortured genius.
73
00:03:08,405 --> 00:03:10,102
Think you could take a break
74
00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:12,103
from writing the next
great American novel
75
00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:15,020
and take this glamour
gal to go see a fun flick?
76
00:03:16,413 --> 00:03:17,806
Diaboliqueis playing at the Babylonium,
77
00:03:17,849 --> 00:03:20,461
and I know you don't mind subtitles.
78
00:03:20,504 --> 00:03:22,419
Ooh. Could we go tomorrow, maybe?
79
00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:23,855
I'm on deadline.
80
00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:26,466
Al's asked me to write an
entire issue by morning.
81
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,817
An entire issue?
82
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,211
Sounds like a bit of a coup for you.
83
00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:32,516
Yeah, it is.
84
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,039
But it's also a lot of pressure.
85
00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,172
Though, if I do a bang up
job on these pages tonight,
86
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,174
Fieldstone could ask me
to be one of his go-to's.
87
00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:40,611
Okay. Okay.
88
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:43,048
My French thriller about
murderous schoolteachers can wait.
89
00:03:43,091 --> 00:03:46,269
But since I'm here,
maybe I can help you.
90
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:47,401
How far have you gotten?
91
00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:49,359
I'm almost done with my first story.
92
00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:51,492
I'm all ears. What's it about?
93
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:52,667
Sports-themed.
94
00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,364
Because what's scarier than gym class?
95
00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:55,670
And it has a narrator,
96
00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,367
like all of my yell yarns will,
97
00:03:57,411 --> 00:04:00,501
um, called the Key-Keeper.
98
00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:03,330
I had one of the artists
at Pep Comics do a mockup.
99
00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:04,548
It's pretty nifty, right?
100
00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,811
The niftiest. Looks like a real charmer.
101
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:14,689
Well, well, well, if it
isn't another problem child.
102
00:04:14,732 --> 00:04:17,430
You're looking for a
little mischief and mayhem,
103
00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:18,649
aren't you?
104
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:21,478
Well, maybe I can be of some assistance.
105
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:26,396
I'm the Key-Keeper, you see?
106
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:30,792
The midnight custodian of
this schoolhouse of horrors.
107
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:33,621
Come along and let's wake the dead
108
00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:35,536
with a real spine twister, shall we?
109
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,193
I call this sordid little tale...
110
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,156
Every team has one,
111
00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:49,158
the runt, the klutz, the pip-squeak.
112
00:04:49,201 --> 00:04:50,638
On the Bulldogs basketball team,
113
00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:52,944
that half pint was
114
00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:55,295
Dilton Doiley,
115
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:59,037
who was short, near-sighted
and uncoordinated.
116
00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,608
At the end of one
particularly grueling practice,
117
00:05:04,652 --> 00:05:08,395
Coach Kleats had the team
line up for free throws.
118
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:12,442
No one could leave until
everyone had made a basket.
119
00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:16,490
But Dilton couldn't make
a shot to save his life.
120
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,579
Come on, Doiley.
121
00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:20,320
Get your head in the game.
122
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:28,806
Maybe you need a little motivation.
123
00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,508
Coach Kleats had the other players
124
00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:39,513
start running laps until
Dilton sunk one lousy bucket.
125
00:05:39,556 --> 00:05:40,992
You're a dead man, Doiley.
126
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,865
Poor Dilton.
127
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:49,087
He would soon learn the true
meaning of the term "foul play."
128
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,961
The hell is wrong with you, Doiley?
129
00:05:54,397 --> 00:05:55,790
I'm sorry, fellas.
130
00:05:55,832 --> 00:05:58,488
I... I'm trying my best.
131
00:05:58,532 --> 00:05:59,968
Why are you even here
132
00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,797
if you can't make one stinking basket?
133
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,842
I just wanted to be part of a team.
134
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,496
Then be the damn water boy.
135
00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:11,414
It's like what Coach Kleats said...
136
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:13,155
"You've got to get
your head in the game."
137
00:06:14,286 --> 00:06:16,593
How... how do I do that?
138
00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:18,334
Maybe a night stuffed in a locker
139
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,466
will help you figure it out.
140
00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,468
What? No. Guys, guys, guys.
141
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:23,557
Please, please, don't do that.
142
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:24,732
No. Please! Please!
143
00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:25,775
You don't understand.
144
00:06:25,776 --> 00:06:27,822
Stop! I can't.
145
00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,954
- Hey, guys, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
- Don't leave me here!
146
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,696
- Stuff it, Andrews.
- I can't be here alone.
147
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,524
- Please. I can't.
- Doiley's got to learn.
148
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,526
He's gonna start pulling his weight.
149
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:41,183
Or we're gonna murder him.
150
00:06:44,273 --> 00:06:45,317
No! Don't go!
151
00:06:45,361 --> 00:06:46,928
Please! Please! Don't go!
152
00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:49,539
Don't leave me here!
I can't do this. No!
153
00:06:49,582 --> 00:06:51,193
No! Please!
154
00:06:51,236 --> 00:06:54,631
What these merciless jocks didn't know
155
00:06:54,675 --> 00:07:00,675
was that Dilton Doiley was
born morbidly claustrophobic.
156
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:14,695
So, by the time the day shift
found and released Dilton
157
00:07:14,738 --> 00:07:17,741
the next morning...
158
00:07:17,785 --> 00:07:22,442
Dilton had suffered a
complete psychotic break.
159
00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:27,490
He was a changed man.
160
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:30,319
A madman, you might say.
161
00:07:30,362 --> 00:07:34,454
Hell-bent on revenge
against the Bulldogs.
162
00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:40,460
Then it was just a
matter of lying in wait
163
00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:43,811
for his teammates to reconvene
for basketball practice
164
00:07:43,854 --> 00:07:46,030
later that afternoon.
165
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:50,687
Luckily, Dilton had
the perfect hidey-hole
166
00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:53,951
from which to pop out and
surprise his teammates.
167
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:57,825
After which Dilton
could dedicate himself
168
00:07:57,868 --> 00:08:01,655
to perfecting his free throw technique.
169
00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,221
Gotta keep my head in the game.
170
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,007
Gotta keep my head in the game.
171
00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:07,443
Attaboy, Doiley!
172
00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,075
Help!
173
00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:33,774
Gotta keep my head in the game.
174
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:35,645
Gotta keep my head in the game.
175
00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:39,082
Gotta keep my head in the game.
176
00:08:39,126 --> 00:08:41,129
Gotta keep my head in the game.
177
00:08:41,172 --> 00:08:42,652
Gotta keep my head in the game.
178
00:08:48,641 --> 00:08:49,990
Good for Dilton.
179
00:08:50,034 --> 00:08:51,949
Those awful bullies got
what was coming to them.
180
00:08:51,993 --> 00:08:53,211
Exactly.
181
00:08:53,255 --> 00:08:54,822
And you see, that's what
nitwits like Werthers
182
00:08:54,865 --> 00:08:56,301
just don't understand.
183
00:08:56,345 --> 00:08:57,868
What, exactly?
184
00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,348
Well, that these so-called
"degenerate" comics
185
00:08:59,391 --> 00:09:01,959
are actually bite-sized morality tales.
186
00:09:02,003 --> 00:09:03,265
Especially those that involve
187
00:09:03,308 --> 00:09:05,441
Julian Blossom getting
his head chopped off.
188
00:09:05,484 --> 00:09:07,443
I mean, you joke, but it's true.
189
00:09:07,486 --> 00:09:10,272
Yes, comics can be over the
top and bloody sometimes,
190
00:09:10,315 --> 00:09:13,188
but in these stories, people
that break the rules get punished.
191
00:09:13,231 --> 00:09:15,233
People who are cruel
to others get punished.
192
00:09:15,277 --> 00:09:17,453
People who have lustful
sex get punished.
193
00:09:17,496 --> 00:09:19,847
Lustful sex, did you say?
194
00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:21,936
Tell me more about that, Juggiekins.
195
00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:23,851
I've got a tale for you.
196
00:09:23,894 --> 00:09:25,635
And it starts, believe it or not,
197
00:09:25,678 --> 00:09:27,855
on a dark and stormy night...
198
00:09:27,898 --> 00:09:32,337
With a flat tire near
an isolated mansion.
199
00:09:32,381 --> 00:09:36,211
And a young, strapping
man in need of assistance.
200
00:09:40,041 --> 00:09:41,564
Yes?
201
00:09:41,607 --> 00:09:42,913
May I help you?
202
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,436
I'm sorry to bother
you at this hour, ma'am,
203
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,918
but my hot rod got a
flat tire down the road.
204
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,659
Must've ran over a nail or something.
205
00:09:49,702 --> 00:09:51,052
Oh, how dreadful.
206
00:09:51,095 --> 00:09:54,533
And now here you are,
stranded, you poor dear.
207
00:09:54,577 --> 00:09:56,318
Why don't you come inside?
208
00:09:56,361 --> 00:09:59,930
You can use our telephone
to call the garage.
209
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:04,021
At this hour? Oh,
they'll be closed, ma'am.
210
00:10:04,065 --> 00:10:07,111
Would it be too much trouble
if I stayed the night?
211
00:10:07,155 --> 00:10:09,418
That way, in the morning,
I can call the garage
212
00:10:09,461 --> 00:10:10,767
and I'll be out of your hair.
213
00:10:11,942 --> 00:10:13,944
I suppose. But...
214
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,817
I'm afraid the storm has
knocked out our power.
215
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:18,819
But you can warm yourself by the fire.
216
00:10:18,862 --> 00:10:20,559
Well, come in.
217
00:10:20,603 --> 00:10:21,734
Come in.
218
00:10:21,778 --> 00:10:23,171
Oh, you look a fright.
219
00:10:26,304 --> 00:10:30,526
They say a picture is worth 1,000 words,
220
00:10:30,569 --> 00:10:33,529
but I only need two for this one.
221
00:10:33,572 --> 00:10:35,357
Hubba-hubba.
222
00:10:40,753 --> 00:10:42,016
Thank you for the tea, ma'am.
223
00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:46,237
It's... I already feel better.
224
00:10:46,281 --> 00:10:49,806
There's not much in this
world that a strong cup of tea
225
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:52,156
and a roaring fire can't fix.
226
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:56,030
And you're welcome to stay
in my guest room tonight.
227
00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:57,640
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
228
00:10:57,683 --> 00:10:59,337
That's very kind of you.
229
00:10:59,381 --> 00:11:04,038
However, there are one or two
ground rules you must observe.
230
00:11:04,734 --> 00:11:05,866
Of course.
231
00:11:05,909 --> 00:11:07,215
Of course. Anything.
232
00:11:07,258 --> 00:11:11,088
Once you're in your
room, you must stay there.
233
00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:13,134
All night.
234
00:11:13,177 --> 00:11:16,572
And you must lock the
door, and keep it locked
235
00:11:16,615 --> 00:11:19,053
for the entire night.
236
00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:22,447
Any particular reason why?
237
00:11:22,491 --> 00:11:24,058
Alas, yes.
238
00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:26,843
I am not alone in this house.
239
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,019
My granddaughter lives with me,
240
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:33,240
and she's not quite in her right mind.
241
00:11:33,284 --> 00:11:36,461
She has this compulsive craving
242
00:11:36,505 --> 00:11:38,507
for intimate, physical,
243
00:11:38,550 --> 00:11:44,121
some might even say
inappropriate touching.
244
00:11:44,948 --> 00:11:46,080
Really?
245
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:49,213
Oh, yes. She's ravenous for it.
246
00:11:49,257 --> 00:11:52,129
Can't keep her hands to herself.
247
00:11:55,654 --> 00:11:57,918
Wow. That's...
248
00:11:59,006 --> 00:12:01,225
I mean, that sounds... Wow.
249
00:12:01,269 --> 00:12:05,012
She's even been known to
sneak into the bedrooms
250
00:12:05,055 --> 00:12:08,450
of strange young men in
the middle of the night
251
00:12:08,493 --> 00:12:12,454
in order to get her "fix," as it were.
252
00:12:17,981 --> 00:12:23,160
Is... that your granddaughter?
253
00:12:24,248 --> 00:12:26,120
Yes, it is.
254
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,860
She's beautiful, isn't she?
255
00:12:29,471 --> 00:12:31,255
Well, it's getting late.
256
00:12:31,299 --> 00:12:33,910
Let's get you settled, shall we?
257
00:12:40,047 --> 00:12:42,788
Surely some rules were
meant to be broken,
258
00:12:42,832 --> 00:12:45,182
especially when the
consequences might prove
259
00:12:45,226 --> 00:12:49,143
to be downright titillating.
260
00:13:09,337 --> 00:13:10,512
You're here.
261
00:13:11,426 --> 00:13:14,037
You came.
262
00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:16,344
Are you the old lady's granddaughter?
263
00:13:16,387 --> 00:13:18,172
Yes. I'm Cheryl.
264
00:13:19,303 --> 00:13:21,044
I'm so glad you're here.
265
00:13:21,088 --> 00:13:26,310
It's been so long since I've
gotten to touch... like this.
266
00:13:26,354 --> 00:13:30,053
I... sure am happy to be here, too.
267
00:13:30,054 --> 00:13:31,055
Let me just light a candle.
268
00:13:31,056 --> 00:13:32,534
- No! No!
- Whoa.
269
00:13:32,577 --> 00:13:33,883
No.
270
00:13:33,926 --> 00:13:35,667
What we're about to do is best...
271
00:13:35,711 --> 00:13:37,452
It's best done in darkness.
272
00:13:37,495 --> 00:13:39,280
Now kiss me.
273
00:13:39,323 --> 00:13:43,197
And let me... feel you.
274
00:13:46,765 --> 00:13:51,596
Avert your eyes, pervert,
and turn the page,
275
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:55,209
to a bright new day.
276
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:04,479
How was your night, young man?
277
00:14:04,522 --> 00:14:06,872
Did you sleep well?
278
00:14:06,916 --> 00:14:11,747
It was... incredible.
279
00:14:11,790 --> 00:14:14,054
Thank you again for
the hospitality, ma'am.
280
00:14:14,097 --> 00:14:17,144
I, uh... I saw your granddaughter,
281
00:14:17,187 --> 00:14:19,450
I think, by the window.
282
00:14:21,017 --> 00:14:22,192
So what's wrong with her?
283
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:23,715
Some kind of mental illness?
284
00:14:23,759 --> 00:14:26,240
Oh, Cheryl was once
youthful and vibrant,
285
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,764
like any young girl her age.
286
00:14:28,807 --> 00:14:31,027
But she wanted adventure.
287
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,247
And I couldn't help but indulge her.
288
00:14:33,290 --> 00:14:37,642
She took a trip to some tropical jungle
289
00:14:37,686 --> 00:14:39,079
in some far-off place,
290
00:14:39,122 --> 00:14:42,343
and unfortunately, while she was there,
291
00:14:42,386 --> 00:14:46,086
she contracted a rare form of leprosy.
292
00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:51,047
Leprosy?
293
00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:54,877
Horrible, terrible, disfiguring disease.
294
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,401
Rotting her swollen flesh away,
295
00:14:57,445 --> 00:14:59,708
and incredibly painful.
296
00:15:01,188 --> 00:15:02,885
Now she can't be around other people
297
00:15:02,928 --> 00:15:05,627
because it's so very
contagious, you know.
298
00:15:08,064 --> 00:15:10,980
But, I mean, you don't...
299
00:15:11,023 --> 00:15:14,679
Oh, no, I was exposed as a child,
300
00:15:14,723 --> 00:15:16,246
and so I'm immune.
301
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,161
I don't suppose you...
302
00:15:18,205 --> 00:15:20,381
Am immune? No.
303
00:15:20,424 --> 00:15:24,124
Mercifully, she'll soon
succumb to the leprosy and die,
304
00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:25,647
which is why
305
00:15:25,690 --> 00:15:27,344
I do everything in my power
306
00:15:27,388 --> 00:15:33,388
to ensure that she relishes
her final days on Earth.
307
00:15:33,437 --> 00:15:35,309
What do you mean?
308
00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:36,919
What do you mean by that?
309
00:15:36,962 --> 00:15:40,401
It was no accident that
brought you here, young man.
310
00:15:40,444 --> 00:15:44,318
How do you think those
nails got onto that road?
311
00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:48,626
I did warn you.
312
00:15:48,670 --> 00:15:53,370
I gave you a chance to lock
that door and be a good boy.
313
00:15:53,414 --> 00:15:56,852
And now you're almost
certainly infected as well.
314
00:15:56,895 --> 00:15:58,332
After last night,
315
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:02,118
we're going to be
together forever, and ever
316
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,250
till death do us part.
317
00:16:12,607 --> 00:16:14,217
Well, that was grotesque.
318
00:16:15,305 --> 00:16:16,872
What was the moral there?
319
00:16:16,915 --> 00:16:18,569
Don't trust creepy old ladies
320
00:16:18,613 --> 00:16:22,573
and their nymphomaniac,
leprosy-ridden granddaughters?
321
00:16:22,617 --> 00:16:27,056
Well, it's more of a "curiosity
killed the cat" message, I think.
322
00:16:27,099 --> 00:16:28,666
Ah.
323
00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:30,712
Or don't engage in heavy
petting in the dark with someone,
324
00:16:30,755 --> 00:16:32,540
if you haven't got proper protection.
325
00:16:34,150 --> 00:16:38,328
You know, I'm hearing that
Archie and Cheryl broke up,
326
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,592
and that in the end, they
didn't do much more than neck...
327
00:16:41,636 --> 00:16:43,638
Oh, yeah? Well...
328
00:16:43,681 --> 00:16:47,250
Who can keep up with all the
horny teens at Riverdale High?
329
00:16:47,294 --> 00:16:50,210
I mean, what else is there to do?
330
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:54,518
That's why God created high school.
331
00:16:54,562 --> 00:16:57,391
So there'd be a place
where boys could...
332
00:16:57,434 --> 00:17:00,176
chase girls and vice versa.
333
00:17:01,525 --> 00:17:02,700
Yeah.
334
00:17:02,744 --> 00:17:04,441
I mean...
335
00:17:04,485 --> 00:17:05,963
girls will do just about anything
336
00:17:06,008 --> 00:17:07,617
to get a boy's attention.
337
00:17:07,662 --> 00:17:10,664
Including feigning an interest
in comic books, apparently.
338
00:17:17,324 --> 00:17:18,586
Every school has one.
339
00:17:18,629 --> 00:17:20,674
The plain Jane with the ponytail mane,
340
00:17:20,718 --> 00:17:23,112
the sweater-set waiting for better yet
341
00:17:23,154 --> 00:17:26,681
who none of the boys seemed
to sick their sights on.
342
00:17:26,723 --> 00:17:30,946
Bland Betty was little
more than an invisible girl.
343
00:17:30,989 --> 00:17:33,601
Yes, my foul fiends,
344
00:17:33,644 --> 00:17:38,867
Betty's prospects of landing
a date were very grave indeed.
345
00:17:38,910 --> 00:17:42,914
So she followed the advice
of her favorite beauty mags.
346
00:17:42,958 --> 00:17:46,266
And now, how can I help you, hun?
347
00:17:46,309 --> 00:17:49,269
I would like a new look, please.
348
00:17:49,312 --> 00:17:51,619
Oh, what's giving you the gringles,
349
00:17:51,662 --> 00:17:53,098
doll face?
350
00:17:53,142 --> 00:17:55,362
I just feel so...
351
00:17:56,363 --> 00:17:58,103
unseen.
352
00:17:58,147 --> 00:18:00,410
All the girls at my school have beaus,
353
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:03,500
and it's just like I'm a, uh...
354
00:18:04,022 --> 00:18:05,502
ghost.
355
00:18:05,546 --> 00:18:06,851
I need something...
356
00:18:07,896 --> 00:18:09,463
else, something new.
357
00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:11,465
Something amazing that will
get all the boys' attention.
358
00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,293
Well, I've got to tell you,
359
00:18:13,336 --> 00:18:15,556
this ponytail is doing you no favors.
360
00:18:15,599 --> 00:18:16,905
But, but, but,
361
00:18:16,948 --> 00:18:19,864
I just came back from my
fabulous honeymoon abroad.
362
00:18:19,908 --> 00:18:23,346
And there's this new hairstyle
that is all the rage in Europe.
363
00:18:23,390 --> 00:18:24,434
Really? What is it?
364
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,742
It's called the Beehive.
365
00:18:27,785 --> 00:18:28,873
"Beehive."
366
00:18:30,048 --> 00:18:31,702
Sounds sophisticated.
367
00:18:31,746 --> 00:18:33,269
Oh, it is.
368
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,227
So we tease up all your
hair, put in some extensions,
369
00:18:35,271 --> 00:18:38,448
and then we roll it all up
into a dome, just like a hive.
370
00:18:40,102 --> 00:18:41,538
A hive-hive?
371
00:18:41,582 --> 00:18:42,800
I know it sounds a little silly,
372
00:18:42,844 --> 00:18:44,193
but wait till you see it.
373
00:18:44,236 --> 00:18:45,629
All the girls in England and France,
374
00:18:45,673 --> 00:18:46,804
they just love it.
375
00:18:46,848 --> 00:18:48,458
And the boys, they're crazy about it.
376
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,547
And, on my mother's grave,
377
00:18:50,591 --> 00:18:52,593
may she rest in peace...
378
00:18:52,636 --> 00:18:55,770
you're going to get all the
attention you've ever wanted,
379
00:18:55,813 --> 00:18:56,814
and then some.
380
00:18:57,859 --> 00:18:59,643
What the heck?
381
00:18:59,687 --> 00:19:02,124
If it's good enough for the
Parisians, it's good enough for me.
382
00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:03,343
Oh, smart girl.
383
00:19:03,386 --> 00:19:05,170
You're going to look so chic.
384
00:19:05,214 --> 00:19:07,608
Now, there's just one thing.
385
00:19:07,651 --> 00:19:09,653
Once we get your goldie
locks up into the hive,
386
00:19:09,697 --> 00:19:11,351
you're not gonna be
able to wash your hair
387
00:19:11,394 --> 00:19:12,787
or undo it, ever.
388
00:19:14,266 --> 00:19:16,921
Oh. Well, how do I maintain it?
389
00:19:16,965 --> 00:19:18,662
With this. Hair spray.
390
00:19:18,706 --> 00:19:21,926
Use throughout the day as needed.
391
00:19:21,970 --> 00:19:24,625
Well, my mom says, I'm
supposed to wash my hair
392
00:19:24,668 --> 00:19:26,714
every other day or at least once a week.
393
00:19:26,757 --> 00:19:29,064
With all due respect to your dear mama,
394
00:19:29,107 --> 00:19:30,413
I'm the professional.
395
00:19:30,457 --> 00:19:32,154
And you do want to look beautiful.
396
00:19:32,197 --> 00:19:33,373
Am I right?
397
00:19:35,984 --> 00:19:37,464
The next day,
398
00:19:37,507 --> 00:19:39,857
an all-new Betty showed up at school.
399
00:19:39,901 --> 00:19:43,905
Her coif climbed to such heights
it rivaled the Tower of Babel.
400
00:19:43,948 --> 00:19:47,909
And similarly, it got everybody talking.
401
00:19:47,952 --> 00:19:51,347
All the boys went goo-goo-ga-ga.
402
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,523
And as for the girls, well,
403
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:57,484
they were positively gangrene with envy.
404
00:20:13,195 --> 00:20:15,110
Watch where you're spraying, Betty.
405
00:20:15,153 --> 00:20:17,721
You know, that ridiculous
hairstyle will never change the fact
406
00:20:17,765 --> 00:20:20,550
that you'll always
be a ponytail princess
407
00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:21,943
on the inside.
408
00:20:23,814 --> 00:20:25,512
Betty didn't care
409
00:20:25,555 --> 00:20:26,948
what Cheryl and Veronica thought.
410
00:20:26,991 --> 00:20:28,558
In fact, that was the first time
411
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,255
they'd spoken to her.
412
00:20:30,299 --> 00:20:33,128
And once Betty got
that blush of attention,
413
00:20:33,171 --> 00:20:37,524
well, she started needing
it, feeding off it.
414
00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:39,743
The more hairspray she put in her hair,
415
00:20:39,787 --> 00:20:42,529
the heavier and more
shellacked it became.
416
00:20:42,572 --> 00:20:44,748
And the more the boys noticed her.
417
00:20:44,792 --> 00:20:47,359
Can I carry your books to class, Betty?
418
00:20:47,403 --> 00:20:48,883
Aw, gee, thanks, Julian.
419
00:20:48,926 --> 00:20:50,624
Hey, uh, Betty, can I take you out
420
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:52,016
this Friday night, please?
421
00:20:52,060 --> 00:20:53,670
Aw, Archie...
422
00:20:53,714 --> 00:20:56,412
I'll think about it.
423
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:59,023
And Betty stayed true to her word.
424
00:20:59,067 --> 00:21:03,463
She didn't wash her
hair or undo it, ever.
425
00:21:03,506 --> 00:21:05,595
She even slept in her beehive,
426
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:09,599
putting more hairspray on before
tucking herself in at night.
427
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:14,474
And that's when the
very bad thing happened.
428
00:21:19,783 --> 00:21:23,613
I swear, in all my years,
I've never seen a cuter couple.
429
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:26,224
She's a cool cookie now, isn't she, Pop?
430
00:21:26,268 --> 00:21:27,574
What do you mean, "now?"
431
00:21:27,617 --> 00:21:29,619
Betty's always been a peach.
432
00:21:31,839 --> 00:21:33,928
You're making me blush, Archie.
433
00:21:33,971 --> 00:21:35,582
Hey, I'm a lucky cat.
434
00:21:35,625 --> 00:21:37,105
I'm going out with the ginchiest girl
435
00:21:37,148 --> 00:21:39,629
with the ginchiest
hair at Riverdale High.
436
00:21:40,935 --> 00:21:43,633
Mmm! Best song ever.
437
00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:45,679
- Come on, snake, let's rattle.
- Okay.
438
00:21:57,386 --> 00:21:58,692
Betty, is everything all right?
439
00:21:59,823 --> 00:22:00,824
Whoa, Betty.
440
00:22:02,522 --> 00:22:03,697
Something's not...
441
00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:05,655
Betty. Betty!
442
00:22:05,699 --> 00:22:08,266
Betty!
443
00:22:08,310 --> 00:22:09,659
Someone get some help!
444
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:12,662
Betty's having some kind of fit!
445
00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:14,708
Someone call the hospital!
446
00:22:14,751 --> 00:22:16,536
Oh, God! Betty!
447
00:22:16,579 --> 00:22:19,756
No one could guess how
a young girl like Betty,
448
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,847
so full of life, would just drop dead.
449
00:22:23,891 --> 00:22:29,026
Then again, maybe the town's
coroner will have the answers.
450
00:22:29,070 --> 00:22:32,726
So young, so beautiful,
451
00:22:32,769 --> 00:22:35,642
and what a fascinating hairstyle.
452
00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:37,773
Hmm.
453
00:22:52,049 --> 00:22:53,094
Oh, my.
454
00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:57,359
What have we here?
455
00:22:57,402 --> 00:22:58,665
No.
456
00:22:58,708 --> 00:22:59,753
No!
457
00:23:00,971 --> 00:23:02,233
Please, no!
458
00:23:02,277 --> 00:23:04,975
No, anything but spiders!
459
00:23:05,019 --> 00:23:06,760
Turns out, Betty's hair
460
00:23:06,803 --> 00:23:09,589
attracted more than just boys.
461
00:23:09,632 --> 00:23:12,330
A black widow spider had crawled
462
00:23:12,374 --> 00:23:14,028
into her tresses that night
463
00:23:14,071 --> 00:23:16,987
and laid a batch of eggs
in that ginchy hive of hers.
464
00:23:17,031 --> 00:23:20,382
And when those itsy-bitsy
spiders hatched,
465
00:23:20,425 --> 00:23:22,036
they chewed into her brain,
466
00:23:22,079 --> 00:23:25,692
which is what triggered
Betty's deadly diner bug-out.
467
00:23:25,735 --> 00:23:27,215
Poor, sweet Betty.
468
00:23:27,258 --> 00:23:30,087
She had to learn her
lessons the hard way.
469
00:23:30,131 --> 00:23:34,918
Beauty is only skin
deep, and vanity kills.
470
00:23:40,489 --> 00:23:44,972
"Beauty is only skin
deep?" "Vanity kills?"
471
00:23:46,060 --> 00:23:48,628
Are these actually different lessons
472
00:23:48,671 --> 00:23:51,152
or variations on a theme?
473
00:23:51,195 --> 00:23:54,068
And what's wrong with
wanting to look good?
474
00:23:54,111 --> 00:23:55,983
Boys do the same thing.
475
00:23:56,026 --> 00:23:58,899
They toss weights around, to
turn themselves into he-men.
476
00:23:58,942 --> 00:24:02,337
- Uh...
- At any rate, by my count,
477
00:24:02,380 --> 00:24:03,947
you're down to your last story
478
00:24:03,991 --> 00:24:06,341
and I still haven't had
a starring role in one.
479
00:24:07,864 --> 00:24:09,866
Well, say, that's a notion.
480
00:24:09,910 --> 00:24:12,913
Something romantic would be nice.
481
00:24:12,956 --> 00:24:16,656
Or something that focuses
on female friendship.
482
00:24:16,699 --> 00:24:18,222
Yeah, what if we did a flip
483
00:24:18,266 --> 00:24:20,964
of the classic teenage love triangle?
484
00:24:21,008 --> 00:24:22,357
One in which the girls
485
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,012
don't go at each other's
throats and cat-fight.
486
00:24:25,055 --> 00:24:27,101
Now, you're singing my tune.
487
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:33,673
Presenting my fourth and
final story of the evening.
488
00:24:33,716 --> 00:24:37,111
A terror tale I'm
calling "My Better Half."
489
00:24:39,635 --> 00:24:41,245
Archie's a good egg.
490
00:24:41,289 --> 00:24:45,859
But a half-wit when it
comes to decision-making.
491
00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:47,948
He struggles with the most basic
492
00:24:47,991 --> 00:24:49,950
of all multiple-choice questions.
493
00:24:49,993 --> 00:24:53,954
Should he go for A,
"The girl next door?"
494
00:24:53,997 --> 00:24:57,871
Or B, "The rich starlet-socialite?"
495
00:24:57,914 --> 00:25:01,265
But in a rare stroke of mad genius,
496
00:25:01,309 --> 00:25:04,878
Archie chose C, "Both of the above."
497
00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:07,228
So, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays,
498
00:25:07,271 --> 00:25:08,882
Archie takes Betty out.
499
00:25:08,925 --> 00:25:11,101
And on Tuesdays,
Thursdays and Saturdays,
500
00:25:11,145 --> 00:25:13,234
he takes out Veronica.
501
00:25:13,277 --> 00:25:16,019
The one downside to
this break-neck schedule
502
00:25:16,063 --> 00:25:18,065
was that Archie would, on occasion,
503
00:25:18,108 --> 00:25:21,285
collapse from sheer exhaustion.
504
00:25:21,329 --> 00:25:23,810
But it was nothing that
couldn't be rectified
505
00:25:23,853 --> 00:25:25,550
with a strong cup of coffee.
506
00:25:25,594 --> 00:25:27,552
Or four.
507
00:25:27,596 --> 00:25:29,685
But even for a strapping young buck,
508
00:25:29,729 --> 00:25:32,906
six dates a week will wear a fella out.
509
00:25:32,949 --> 00:25:35,386
That's why Archie saved
Sundays for himself.
510
00:25:35,430 --> 00:25:39,303
To rest, recover, and
replenish for the week ahead.
511
00:25:42,872 --> 00:25:44,613
Now, you might think Archie
512
00:25:44,656 --> 00:25:46,702
would try to keep his
relationships a secret.
513
00:25:46,746 --> 00:25:48,312
But he didn't.
514
00:25:48,356 --> 00:25:50,880
Betty and Veronica knew
he was dating the other.
515
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:56,581
Still, each girl wanted
Archie all to herself.
516
00:25:56,625 --> 00:25:57,844
They're playing Double Indemnity
517
00:25:57,887 --> 00:25:59,846
at the Babylonium tomorrow night,
518
00:25:59,889 --> 00:26:02,239
if you want to play a
little back row bingo.
519
00:26:02,283 --> 00:26:05,025
Oh, I wish I could swing
it, but I got plans.
520
00:26:05,068 --> 00:26:07,810
Meaning you've got a date with Veronica.
521
00:26:07,854 --> 00:26:10,813
When are you going to
drop that vapid airhead?
522
00:26:10,857 --> 00:26:12,815
Oh, please. Don't get razzled.
523
00:26:12,859 --> 00:26:14,512
Why shouldn't I?
524
00:26:14,556 --> 00:26:18,734
Having to share my beau
with that smelly tomboy.
525
00:26:18,778 --> 00:26:20,040
Don't I make you happy?
526
00:26:20,083 --> 00:26:21,606
Of course you do.
527
00:26:21,650 --> 00:26:24,435
Then why aren't I enough?
528
00:26:24,479 --> 00:26:27,482
Oh, come on, it's not like that.
529
00:26:27,525 --> 00:26:30,137
Hey, you guys are both so different.
530
00:26:30,180 --> 00:26:32,443
But let me let you
in on a little secret.
531
00:26:36,012 --> 00:26:37,797
You're my favorite.
532
00:26:39,015 --> 00:26:40,712
Really?
533
00:26:40,756 --> 00:26:42,149
Oh, Archie.
534
00:26:46,370 --> 00:26:48,198
How do you do it, Andrews?
535
00:26:48,242 --> 00:26:50,679
Two broads at the same
time. What's your secret?
536
00:26:50,722 --> 00:26:54,509
All right, listen, 'cause I'm
only gonna say this once, okay?
537
00:26:54,552 --> 00:26:56,685
You tell them what they want to hear.
538
00:26:56,728 --> 00:26:59,296
That yes, I'm seeing other girls,
539
00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:03,039
but I'm only serious about you.
540
00:27:03,083 --> 00:27:06,869
Okay? You feed them the
same three simple words.
541
00:27:10,699 --> 00:27:12,527
"You're my favorite."
542
00:27:14,485 --> 00:27:17,140
Technically, that's four words.
543
00:27:17,184 --> 00:27:19,055
"You're" is a contraction.
544
00:27:19,099 --> 00:27:20,317
"You are my favorite."
545
00:27:20,361 --> 00:27:23,581
- Four words.
- Shut up, Doiley.
546
00:27:23,625 --> 00:27:26,367
We're learning from Don Juan here.
547
00:27:26,410 --> 00:27:31,502
But don't you ever get... exhausted?
548
00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:33,591
Sure.
549
00:27:33,635 --> 00:27:36,507
But that's why God
invented Sundays and coffee.
550
00:27:38,770 --> 00:27:41,034
Things might've kept humming along as is
551
00:27:41,077 --> 00:27:42,513
until graduation day,
552
00:27:42,557 --> 00:27:45,865
but the Good Ship Archie
was headed for an iceberg,
553
00:27:45,908 --> 00:27:47,518
Valentine's Day,
554
00:27:47,562 --> 00:27:51,174
which, this year, disastrously,
landed on a Sunday.
555
00:27:51,218 --> 00:27:52,610
So, Veronica, who's the lucky guy
556
00:27:52,654 --> 00:27:54,830
taking you out for Valentine's Day?
557
00:27:54,874 --> 00:27:57,789
- Archiekins, of course.
- Keep dreaming.
558
00:27:57,833 --> 00:27:59,095
Archie is my date.
559
00:27:59,139 --> 00:28:00,967
You know, Betty, for a smart girl,
560
00:28:01,010 --> 00:28:02,664
you really are dense.
561
00:28:02,707 --> 00:28:06,102
Archie is going to spend
V-Day with his best girl.
562
00:28:06,146 --> 00:28:07,495
And that's me.
563
00:28:07,538 --> 00:28:09,236
- Says you.
- Says him.
564
00:28:09,279 --> 00:28:13,022
Archiekins says the only reason
he spends so much time with you
565
00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:15,111
is because you're a charity case.
566
00:28:15,155 --> 00:28:19,289
First of all, he hates
being called Archiekins.
567
00:28:19,333 --> 00:28:21,161
Second of all, the only reason
568
00:28:21,204 --> 00:28:23,119
he spends any time with you at all
569
00:28:23,163 --> 00:28:25,948
is because your ego is so fragile
570
00:28:25,992 --> 00:28:29,082
he's afraid you might do
something desperate or crazy
571
00:28:29,125 --> 00:28:30,300
if he breaks up with you.
572
00:28:30,344 --> 00:28:32,041
He said I'm fragile?
573
00:28:32,085 --> 00:28:34,739
Oh, as a Glamerge egg.
574
00:28:34,783 --> 00:28:36,916
Well, he told me you're so high-strung
575
00:28:36,959 --> 00:28:40,615
you sometimes take your mom's
sleeping pills to go to bed.
576
00:28:40,658 --> 00:28:42,965
- He told you that?
- Mmm-hmm.
577
00:28:43,009 --> 00:28:45,968
Sounds like someone's been
playing you two for fools.
578
00:28:50,233 --> 00:28:52,105
That rat-fink!
579
00:28:52,148 --> 00:28:54,107
Archie, you have to choose right now.
580
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:56,065
Who's going to be your
date for Valentine's Day?
581
00:28:56,109 --> 00:28:57,893
And after you pick me, of course,
582
00:28:57,937 --> 00:28:59,895
you need to end things
with Betty permanently.
583
00:28:59,939 --> 00:29:03,246
Ladies, ladies, let's all calm down.
584
00:29:03,290 --> 00:29:05,596
In fact...
585
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:07,859
neither of you can be my
date on Valentine's Day.
586
00:29:07,903 --> 00:29:09,296
Why not?
587
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:12,734
'Cause I'm taking my mom.
588
00:29:13,691 --> 00:29:15,171
You see, it's...
589
00:29:15,215 --> 00:29:17,565
It's her first Valentine's
Day without my dad, and...
590
00:29:19,349 --> 00:29:21,177
And, well, she needs me.
591
00:29:22,439 --> 00:29:24,528
I hope you guys can understand.
592
00:29:24,572 --> 00:29:27,140
Archie, of course we understand.
593
00:29:27,183 --> 00:29:28,924
That's so sweet and thoughtful.
594
00:29:28,968 --> 00:29:31,100
I'm sorry we pressured you.
595
00:29:31,144 --> 00:29:33,189
Me, too. It was her idea.
596
00:29:33,233 --> 00:29:35,452
Well, you guys shouldn't
have to miss out
597
00:29:35,496 --> 00:29:37,324
on Valentine's Day on account of me.
598
00:29:37,367 --> 00:29:39,152
I mean, there must be some
other guys you can go out with.
599
00:29:39,195 --> 00:29:41,067
Yeah, Betty, find somebody else.
600
00:29:41,110 --> 00:29:43,112
No. No, it's really okay.
601
00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:44,679
There's an extra credit report
602
00:29:44,722 --> 00:29:46,333
that I've been putting off, so...
603
00:29:46,376 --> 00:29:48,509
As for me, Mademoiselle
just published a recipe
604
00:29:48,552 --> 00:29:50,728
for an egg-white face mask
I've been dying to try.
605
00:29:50,772 --> 00:29:52,730
So that'll keep me busy.
606
00:29:52,774 --> 00:29:56,604
Okay, so you're both staying
in this Sunday night, then?
607
00:30:05,569 --> 00:30:09,269
But when Sunday night rolled around...
608
00:30:09,312 --> 00:30:13,316
Betty and Veronica
decided against staying in,
609
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:16,015
and went on a Valentine's date,
610
00:30:16,058 --> 00:30:17,625
together.
611
00:30:19,322 --> 00:30:23,587
So, imagine their surprise
when who should walk in but...
612
00:30:27,417 --> 00:30:30,855
- He wouldn't.
- He couldn't.
613
00:30:30,899 --> 00:30:32,640
That rat-fink!
614
00:30:38,341 --> 00:30:39,560
Wait.
615
00:30:39,603 --> 00:30:41,257
Whatever you're about to do...
616
00:30:43,085 --> 00:30:44,913
I have a much better idea.
617
00:30:53,226 --> 00:30:56,185
Betty. Veronica.
618
00:30:56,229 --> 00:30:57,752
What's going on?
619
00:30:57,795 --> 00:30:59,841
We were wondering how
your Valentine's date went
620
00:30:59,884 --> 00:31:01,321
with your mom.
621
00:31:01,364 --> 00:31:04,193
Yeah, it was nice. Quiet.
622
00:31:05,629 --> 00:31:07,066
Why?
623
00:31:07,109 --> 00:31:09,938
Well, because a night-off
gave us a chance to reflect,
624
00:31:09,981 --> 00:31:12,593
and since you've been
having such a hard time
625
00:31:12,636 --> 00:31:15,161
deciding between the two of us,
626
00:31:15,204 --> 00:31:16,553
we were thinking...
627
00:31:18,033 --> 00:31:20,035
what if you had us both?
628
00:31:23,038 --> 00:31:25,562
At the exact same time,
629
00:31:25,606 --> 00:31:28,609
for a very, very special date?
630
00:31:30,828 --> 00:31:32,134
Really?
631
00:31:32,178 --> 00:31:33,222
Really.
632
00:31:35,268 --> 00:31:37,313
Say no more.
633
00:31:37,314 --> 00:31:38,314
I'll pick you both up tonight,
634
00:31:38,314 --> 00:31:39,620
we'll head over to Lover's Lane.
635
00:31:39,663 --> 00:31:42,318
I know the perfect
spot. Nice and private.
636
00:31:42,362 --> 00:31:46,061
Actually, Betty had an interesting idea.
637
00:31:46,105 --> 00:31:49,369
I was thinking we could
meet in shop class.
638
00:31:49,412 --> 00:31:51,980
After hours, of course.
639
00:31:52,023 --> 00:31:53,242
Why would we go there?
640
00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:55,026
Don't you know?
641
00:31:55,940 --> 00:31:57,725
It's sound-proof.
642
00:31:57,768 --> 00:32:02,860
And we plan on making a lot of noise.
643
00:32:09,345 --> 00:32:12,174
Come, Archie. Join us.
644
00:32:16,961 --> 00:32:18,311
Wait.
645
00:32:18,354 --> 00:32:20,095
You're forgetting something.
646
00:32:22,141 --> 00:32:24,099
Your coffee.
647
00:32:24,143 --> 00:32:26,188
We took the liberty of brewing it
648
00:32:26,232 --> 00:32:27,885
extra strong for you tonight.
649
00:32:27,929 --> 00:32:31,237
Oh, guys, I really don't think
I'm gonna need a boost tonight.
650
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:34,065
Now, now, no need to posture.
651
00:32:34,109 --> 00:32:35,740
You'll want all your energy
for what we have planned.
652
00:32:36,460 --> 00:32:39,811
- Promise.
- Cross our hearts and hope to die.
653
00:32:47,035 --> 00:32:48,123
Mmm.
654
00:32:54,999 --> 00:32:57,785
Everything all right, Archiekins?
655
00:32:57,828 --> 00:32:59,874
Yeah, no, I'm good. I just...
656
00:33:12,843 --> 00:33:15,150
Someone's waking up, Vee.
657
00:33:15,194 --> 00:33:17,370
I think you're right, Bee.
658
00:33:17,413 --> 00:33:19,285
Welcome back, handsome.
659
00:33:21,591 --> 00:33:22,636
What's happening?
660
00:33:22,679 --> 00:33:23,985
Apologies if you're
661
00:33:24,028 --> 00:33:25,595
experiencing a splitting headache.
662
00:33:25,639 --> 00:33:27,380
I wasn't sure how many
of my mom's sleeping pills
663
00:33:27,423 --> 00:33:28,990
to slip into your coffee.
664
00:33:29,033 --> 00:33:31,775
Whatever it is, I'm sure
we can figure it out.
665
00:33:31,819 --> 00:33:34,038
But it's already been
figured out, silly.
666
00:33:34,082 --> 00:33:36,476
Trust us. This is a perfect solution.
667
00:33:36,519 --> 00:33:39,696
After all, a problem
shared is a problem solved.
668
00:33:39,740 --> 00:33:42,525
- Shall we, Vee?
- After you, Bee.
669
00:33:42,569 --> 00:33:44,614
Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait!
670
00:33:44,658 --> 00:33:47,269
Wait, hold on! Hold on!
671
00:33:52,361 --> 00:33:55,495
Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
672
00:33:55,538 --> 00:33:58,672
This won't hurt... much.
673
00:33:58,715 --> 00:34:01,065
We just want to double our fun.
674
00:34:14,035 --> 00:34:15,776
Here, for the first time,
675
00:34:15,819 --> 00:34:18,995
Betty and Veronica are
with their beloved Archie
676
00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,042
on the same night at the same time,
677
00:34:22,086 --> 00:34:25,524
secure in the knowledge
that they'll never have to
678
00:34:25,568 --> 00:34:27,962
share him again.
679
00:34:28,004 --> 00:34:31,747
Didn't I tell you he was a half-wit?
680
00:34:38,928 --> 00:34:40,408
Well?
681
00:34:40,453 --> 00:34:42,890
What did you think of that
tag-team twist at the end?
682
00:34:42,933 --> 00:34:46,285
O. Henry, eat your
heart out, am I right?
683
00:34:46,328 --> 00:34:49,939
I have... opinions.
684
00:34:49,984 --> 00:34:51,290
Okey-dokey.
685
00:34:52,943 --> 00:34:56,730
I'm detecting a pattern, Jughead.
686
00:34:56,773 --> 00:34:59,950
The sexual politics
in most of your stories
687
00:34:59,994 --> 00:35:03,476
are troubling, to say the least.
688
00:35:03,519 --> 00:35:06,174
Veronica, my gosh,
689
00:35:07,044 --> 00:35:09,960
you may be overthinking this.
690
00:35:10,004 --> 00:35:12,093
These stories are
just meant to be a gas.
691
00:35:12,136 --> 00:35:13,616
For whom?
692
00:35:13,660 --> 00:35:16,315
Not teen girls, not when
you're depicting them like...
693
00:35:17,577 --> 00:35:20,319
shallow, crazy killers.
694
00:35:20,362 --> 00:35:21,668
Is that what you think of us?
695
00:35:22,495 --> 00:35:24,497
No. Of course not.
696
00:35:24,540 --> 00:35:26,760
The boys aren't great shakes, either.
697
00:35:26,803 --> 00:35:29,110
So you admit you're demonizing women?
698
00:35:29,153 --> 00:35:32,418
Veronica, it's just a comic book.
699
00:35:39,773 --> 00:35:43,298
Anyhoo, I'm done now.
700
00:35:43,342 --> 00:35:45,431
Why don't we try to catch
that last showing of Diabolique
701
00:35:45,474 --> 00:35:46,693
at the Babylonium?
702
00:35:46,736 --> 00:35:48,477
What do you say? My treat.
703
00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:53,613
I think I'll take a
page from your last story
704
00:35:53,656 --> 00:35:55,179
and split.
705
00:35:57,356 --> 00:36:00,359
What's going on? Are we
not copacetic anymore?
706
00:36:00,402 --> 00:36:01,577
Of course we are.
707
00:36:01,621 --> 00:36:04,275
I'm just tired, is all.
708
00:36:04,319 --> 00:36:06,408
I'll catch you at
school tomorrow, promise.
709
00:36:07,757 --> 00:36:10,194
And as easy as that,
710
00:36:10,238 --> 00:36:15,983
whatever bubble Veronica and
I had been in, just burst.
711
00:36:16,026 --> 00:36:20,422
Tomorrow, at school,
things would be different.
712
00:36:20,466 --> 00:36:22,642
We'd no longer be the Marilyn Monroe
713
00:36:22,685 --> 00:36:24,905
and Arthur Miller of Riverdale High.
714
00:36:24,948 --> 00:36:26,646
We'd pass each other in the hall,
715
00:36:26,689 --> 00:36:28,474
but she'd once again be
the beautiful socialite,
716
00:36:28,517 --> 00:36:31,390
and I'd be the melvin
who writes comic books.
717
00:36:31,433 --> 00:36:35,916
The kind that hopefully weren't
corrupting the youth of America.
718
00:36:35,959 --> 00:36:38,005
"Don't be fooled by their name.
719
00:36:38,048 --> 00:36:40,181
These publications
are anything but comic.
720
00:36:40,224 --> 00:36:43,402
In their pages, crime is glorified.
721
00:36:43,445 --> 00:36:48,276
Acts of wanton carnality are celebrated.
722
00:36:48,319 --> 00:36:52,454
Stabbings and beheadings and
disembowelings are commonplace,
723
00:36:52,498 --> 00:36:53,977
vividly depicted,
724
00:36:54,021 --> 00:36:57,154
and offered up to our children
like so much bubblegum.
725
00:36:57,198 --> 00:36:59,635
If anyone doubts the insidious effects
726
00:36:59,679 --> 00:37:00,984
of this subversive medium,
727
00:37:01,028 --> 00:37:03,552
let me stress what my extensive research
728
00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:04,988
has proven time and again.
729
00:37:05,032 --> 00:37:07,774
There's a direct and undeniable link
730
00:37:07,817 --> 00:37:10,646
between gruesome acts
of brutality depicted
731
00:37:10,690 --> 00:37:12,300
in the pages of comic books,
732
00:37:12,343 --> 00:37:15,521
and similar acts of savagery
committed in real life
733
00:37:15,564 --> 00:37:19,046
by the juveniles who
read these comics books.
734
00:37:19,089 --> 00:37:21,004
Our children are being seduced
735
00:37:21,048 --> 00:37:25,792
by violence, by sex, by depravity.
736
00:37:25,835 --> 00:37:28,577
Their innocence must be preserved
737
00:37:28,621 --> 00:37:30,492
by any means necessary."
738
00:37:31,580 --> 00:37:33,669
I congratulate you, Dr. Werthers.
739
00:37:33,713 --> 00:37:35,758
That's a brilliant editorial.
740
00:37:35,802 --> 00:37:39,153
The soon-to-be-forgotten Muggs murders,
741
00:37:39,196 --> 00:37:41,329
small potatoes compared
to the threat to America
742
00:37:41,372 --> 00:37:43,505
that you have outlined
here for us tonight.
743
00:37:43,549 --> 00:37:44,811
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
744
00:37:44,854 --> 00:37:47,944
I consider it my civic and moral duty.
745
00:37:47,988 --> 00:37:50,860
That's why these so-called creators
746
00:37:50,904 --> 00:37:55,778
of these dangerous and
morally reprehensible stories
747
00:37:55,822 --> 00:37:57,345
must be held accountable
748
00:37:57,388 --> 00:38:00,957
and punished to the
full extent of the law.
749
00:38:04,352 --> 00:38:06,049
I've been reading your stories, Jones.
750
00:38:06,093 --> 00:38:07,747
I gotta say, I love 'em.
751
00:38:07,790 --> 00:38:09,270
This is incredible stuff.
752
00:38:09,313 --> 00:38:11,490
Thank you, Mr. Fieldstone. I, um...
753
00:38:12,665 --> 00:38:14,144
I needed a win today.
754
00:38:14,188 --> 00:38:15,972
Oh, how come?
755
00:38:16,016 --> 00:38:19,106
Ah, let me guess. Girl trouble?
756
00:38:19,672 --> 00:38:21,325
Yeah.
757
00:38:21,369 --> 00:38:24,894
I... kinda had this sweet
thing going with this one gal,
758
00:38:24,938 --> 00:38:27,680
but then she read my comics and, um...
759
00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:31,031
Well, she took it the wrong way.
760
00:38:31,074 --> 00:38:33,076
I don't think she
liked what I was saying.
761
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:34,774
I don't even know what that means.
762
00:38:34,817 --> 00:38:35,905
But you busted your ass
763
00:38:35,949 --> 00:38:38,995
to turn those stories around overnight.
764
00:38:39,039 --> 00:38:40,562
And I think you deserve
765
00:38:40,606 --> 00:38:42,085
a little something extra for that.
766
00:38:42,129 --> 00:38:44,653
- A bonus?
- God, no. What are you, nuts?
767
00:38:44,697 --> 00:38:46,699
No, I'm thinking, um, credit.
768
00:38:46,742 --> 00:38:48,483
- Your name...
- On the cover?
769
00:38:48,527 --> 00:38:51,747
God, no. A byline.
770
00:38:51,791 --> 00:38:54,533
- On the inside. But still...
- It's my name in print.
771
00:38:54,576 --> 00:38:57,840
Oh, golly, that would be
incredible, Mr. Fieldstone.
772
00:38:57,884 --> 00:38:59,363
I mean, my friends would flip.
773
00:38:59,407 --> 00:39:02,907
How does Jughead "Jugular"
Jones sound for a byline?
774
00:39:04,151 --> 00:39:06,849
Oh... I'm crazy for it.
775
00:39:06,893 --> 00:39:08,111
Yeah.
776
00:39:08,155 --> 00:39:09,983
Now, you listen to me, kid,
777
00:39:10,026 --> 00:39:12,725
I don't know much, but I do know this.
778
00:39:12,768 --> 00:39:14,727
Girls come and go.
779
00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:16,598
But your name in print,
780
00:39:16,642 --> 00:39:20,820
now that's a thing that'll make
people sit up and take notice.
781
00:39:20,863 --> 00:39:23,300
Little did any of us
imagine how prophetic
782
00:39:23,344 --> 00:39:25,955
Mr. Fieldstone's words
would turn out to be.
783
00:39:31,701 --> 00:39:36,701
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
56811
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