All language subtitles for Riverdale - 07x05 - Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Two_ Tales in a Jugular Vein.ELEANOR.English.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,656 --> 00:00:06,484 Obviously, I don't have to remind you gentlemen 2 00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:08,312 that this meeting never took place. 3 00:00:08,356 --> 00:00:10,575 Of course not, Mayor Blossom. 4 00:00:10,619 --> 00:00:13,230 Has Ethel Muggs been talking much 5 00:00:13,274 --> 00:00:14,971 since she's been with the Sisters? 6 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,712 Not a peep. 7 00:00:16,755 --> 00:00:20,281 Sister Woodhouse has imposed a vow of silence. 8 00:00:20,324 --> 00:00:21,978 Very good. 9 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,501 - What about the PTA? - Parents are still upset. 10 00:00:23,501 --> 00:00:25,199 It's all they talk about at our meetings. 11 00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:26,983 Who killed Mr. and Mrs. Muggs? 12 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:30,334 As long as people remain focused on this murder case, 13 00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:35,774 the more precarious our grasp of the situation becomes. 14 00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:37,211 What's the Sheriff's office doing? 15 00:00:37,254 --> 00:00:41,258 Tom is trying to find this "milkman" 16 00:00:41,302 --> 00:00:42,346 and the murder weapon. 17 00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:43,782 Why is he doing that? 18 00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:50,572 I have the murder weapon right here. 19 00:00:50,615 --> 00:00:52,052 What are you getting at, Fredreich? 20 00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:53,705 We have to stop rehashing 21 00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:56,360 the Muggs murder case and start making sure 22 00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:59,233 that something like it never happens again. 23 00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:02,714 In my extensive research, in case after case, 24 00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:07,632 comic books are the influencing factor in most incidents 25 00:01:07,676 --> 00:01:11,332 of juvenile delinquency and teen violence. 26 00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:14,857 They are a moral scourge, gentlemen. 27 00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:18,078 And their creators, criminal degenerates. 28 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:21,081 That's what the PTA should be talking about. 29 00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,124 Comic books. 30 00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:25,389 Not the Muggs. 31 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:30,351 And I believe I know exactly how to make that happen. 32 00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:39,316 Well, look who strolls in whenever his heart desires. 33 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,360 What do you want, kid? 34 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,405 I was just in the neighborhood. 35 00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:43,451 Where is everyone? 36 00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:44,843 They're all out with a stomach bug. 37 00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,410 Now I'm under more water than the Titanic. 38 00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:47,628 Can I help? 39 00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:49,370 I need a full issue... 40 00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:50,501 I can do that. 41 00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:51,894 ... written by tomorrow morning. 42 00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:53,287 Yeah, that's no problem, Mr. Fieldstone. 43 00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:54,853 I'm fast. I'm a great speller. 44 00:01:54,896 --> 00:01:57,029 Four stories. Seven pages each. 45 00:01:57,073 --> 00:01:58,378 Zero margin for error. 46 00:01:58,422 --> 00:01:59,509 I'll write 'em on spec. 47 00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:01,469 If you like them, then great. 48 00:02:01,512 --> 00:02:03,775 And if not, there's plenty more where that came from. 49 00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,647 Right. 50 00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:08,389 If you have trouble coming up with some ideas, 51 00:02:08,431 --> 00:02:10,259 take these springboards. 52 00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:11,696 Talk them through with Bernie. 53 00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,568 I will. Won't let you down. 54 00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:15,309 Bernie. 55 00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:21,793 Gosh, Bernie, all these stories have been done to death. 56 00:02:21,837 --> 00:02:24,361 Aren't there any original ideas anymore? 57 00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:25,579 Says the teenager? 58 00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:29,932 Bernie, you're a genius. 59 00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:33,631 What about stories about teenagers and high school? 60 00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:35,851 Pep Comics doesn't have any of those, right? 61 00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:36,982 Uh... 62 00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:38,245 Al says he doesn't relate to them. 63 00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,638 But teenagers do buy our books. 64 00:02:40,682 --> 00:02:42,945 Well, shucks, me and my friends do. 65 00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:45,034 What about a narrator 66 00:02:45,077 --> 00:02:50,170 that's actually a witchy lunch lady, or a creepy janitor? 67 00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:53,216 We can call it "Homeroom of Horrors." 68 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,478 Huh? 69 00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:55,958 You think Mr. Fieldstone will bite? 70 00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:57,001 Sure. 71 00:02:57,481 --> 00:02:58,656 Give it a whirl. 72 00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:08,362 There's my little tortured genius. 73 00:03:08,405 --> 00:03:10,102 Think you could take a break 74 00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:12,103 from writing the next great American novel 75 00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:15,020 and take this glamour gal to go see a fun flick? 76 00:03:16,413 --> 00:03:17,806 Diaboliqueis playing at the Babylonium, 77 00:03:17,849 --> 00:03:20,461 and I know you don't mind subtitles. 78 00:03:20,504 --> 00:03:22,419 Ooh. Could we go tomorrow, maybe? 79 00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:23,855 I'm on deadline. 80 00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:26,466 Al's asked me to write an entire issue by morning. 81 00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,817 An entire issue? 82 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,211 Sounds like a bit of a coup for you. 83 00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:32,516 Yeah, it is. 84 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,039 But it's also a lot of pressure. 85 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,172 Though, if I do a bang up job on these pages tonight, 86 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,174 Fieldstone could ask me to be one of his go-to's. 87 00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:40,611 Okay. Okay. 88 00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:43,048 My French thriller about murderous schoolteachers can wait. 89 00:03:43,091 --> 00:03:46,269 But since I'm here, maybe I can help you. 90 00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:47,401 How far have you gotten? 91 00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:49,359 I'm almost done with my first story. 92 00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:51,492 I'm all ears. What's it about? 93 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:52,667 Sports-themed. 94 00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,364 Because what's scarier than gym class? 95 00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:55,670 And it has a narrator, 96 00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,367 like all of my yell yarns will, 97 00:03:57,411 --> 00:04:00,501 um, called the Key-Keeper. 98 00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:03,330 I had one of the artists at Pep Comics do a mockup. 99 00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:04,548 It's pretty nifty, right? 100 00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,811 The niftiest. Looks like a real charmer. 101 00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:14,689 Well, well, well, if it isn't another problem child. 102 00:04:14,732 --> 00:04:17,430 You're looking for a little mischief and mayhem, 103 00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:18,649 aren't you? 104 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:21,478 Well, maybe I can be of some assistance. 105 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:26,396 I'm the Key-Keeper, you see? 106 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:30,792 The midnight custodian of this schoolhouse of horrors. 107 00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:33,621 Come along and let's wake the dead 108 00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:35,536 with a real spine twister, shall we? 109 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,193 I call this sordid little tale... 110 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,156 Every team has one, 111 00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:49,158 the runt, the klutz, the pip-squeak. 112 00:04:49,201 --> 00:04:50,638 On the Bulldogs basketball team, 113 00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:52,944 that half pint was 114 00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:55,295 Dilton Doiley, 115 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:59,037 who was short, near-sighted and uncoordinated. 116 00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,608 At the end of one particularly grueling practice, 117 00:05:04,652 --> 00:05:08,395 Coach Kleats had the team line up for free throws. 118 00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:12,442 No one could leave until everyone had made a basket. 119 00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:16,490 But Dilton couldn't make a shot to save his life. 120 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,579 Come on, Doiley. 121 00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:20,320 Get your head in the game. 122 00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:28,806 Maybe you need a little motivation. 123 00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,508 Coach Kleats had the other players 124 00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:39,513 start running laps until Dilton sunk one lousy bucket. 125 00:05:39,556 --> 00:05:40,992 You're a dead man, Doiley. 126 00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,865 Poor Dilton. 127 00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:49,087 He would soon learn the true meaning of the term "foul play." 128 00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,961 The hell is wrong with you, Doiley? 129 00:05:54,397 --> 00:05:55,790 I'm sorry, fellas. 130 00:05:55,832 --> 00:05:58,488 I... I'm trying my best. 131 00:05:58,532 --> 00:05:59,968 Why are you even here 132 00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,797 if you can't make one stinking basket? 133 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,842 I just wanted to be part of a team. 134 00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,496 Then be the damn water boy. 135 00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:11,414 It's like what Coach Kleats said... 136 00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:13,155 "You've got to get your head in the game." 137 00:06:14,286 --> 00:06:16,593 How... how do I do that? 138 00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:18,334 Maybe a night stuffed in a locker 139 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,466 will help you figure it out. 140 00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,468 What? No. Guys, guys, guys. 141 00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:23,557 Please, please, don't do that. 142 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:24,732 No. Please! Please! 143 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:25,775 You don't understand. 144 00:06:25,776 --> 00:06:27,822 Stop! I can't. 145 00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,954 - Hey, guys, maybe this isn't such a good idea. - Don't leave me here! 146 00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,696 - Stuff it, Andrews. - I can't be here alone. 147 00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,524 - Please. I can't. - Doiley's got to learn. 148 00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,526 He's gonna start pulling his weight. 149 00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:41,183 Or we're gonna murder him. 150 00:06:44,273 --> 00:06:45,317 No! Don't go! 151 00:06:45,361 --> 00:06:46,928 Please! Please! Don't go! 152 00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:49,539 Don't leave me here! I can't do this. No! 153 00:06:49,582 --> 00:06:51,193 No! Please! 154 00:06:51,236 --> 00:06:54,631 What these merciless jocks didn't know 155 00:06:54,675 --> 00:07:00,675 was that Dilton Doiley was born morbidly claustrophobic. 156 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:14,695 So, by the time the day shift found and released Dilton 157 00:07:14,738 --> 00:07:17,741 the next morning... 158 00:07:17,785 --> 00:07:22,442 Dilton had suffered a complete psychotic break. 159 00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:27,490 He was a changed man. 160 00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:30,319 A madman, you might say. 161 00:07:30,362 --> 00:07:34,454 Hell-bent on revenge against the Bulldogs. 162 00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:40,460 Then it was just a matter of lying in wait 163 00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:43,811 for his teammates to reconvene for basketball practice 164 00:07:43,854 --> 00:07:46,030 later that afternoon. 165 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:50,687 Luckily, Dilton had the perfect hidey-hole 166 00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:53,951 from which to pop out and surprise his teammates. 167 00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:57,825 After which Dilton could dedicate himself 168 00:07:57,868 --> 00:08:01,655 to perfecting his free throw technique. 169 00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,221 Gotta keep my head in the game. 170 00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,007 Gotta keep my head in the game. 171 00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:07,443 Attaboy, Doiley! 172 00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,075 Help! 173 00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:33,774 Gotta keep my head in the game. 174 00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:35,645 Gotta keep my head in the game. 175 00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:39,082 Gotta keep my head in the game. 176 00:08:39,126 --> 00:08:41,129 Gotta keep my head in the game. 177 00:08:41,172 --> 00:08:42,652 Gotta keep my head in the game. 178 00:08:48,641 --> 00:08:49,990 Good for Dilton. 179 00:08:50,034 --> 00:08:51,949 Those awful bullies got what was coming to them. 180 00:08:51,993 --> 00:08:53,211 Exactly. 181 00:08:53,255 --> 00:08:54,822 And you see, that's what nitwits like Werthers 182 00:08:54,865 --> 00:08:56,301 just don't understand. 183 00:08:56,345 --> 00:08:57,868 What, exactly? 184 00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,348 Well, that these so-called "degenerate" comics 185 00:08:59,391 --> 00:09:01,959 are actually bite-sized morality tales. 186 00:09:02,003 --> 00:09:03,265 Especially those that involve 187 00:09:03,308 --> 00:09:05,441 Julian Blossom getting his head chopped off. 188 00:09:05,484 --> 00:09:07,443 I mean, you joke, but it's true. 189 00:09:07,486 --> 00:09:10,272 Yes, comics can be over the top and bloody sometimes, 190 00:09:10,315 --> 00:09:13,188 but in these stories, people that break the rules get punished. 191 00:09:13,231 --> 00:09:15,233 People who are cruel to others get punished. 192 00:09:15,277 --> 00:09:17,453 People who have lustful sex get punished. 193 00:09:17,496 --> 00:09:19,847 Lustful sex, did you say? 194 00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:21,936 Tell me more about that, Juggiekins. 195 00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:23,851 I've got a tale for you. 196 00:09:23,894 --> 00:09:25,635 And it starts, believe it or not, 197 00:09:25,678 --> 00:09:27,855 on a dark and stormy night... 198 00:09:27,898 --> 00:09:32,337 With a flat tire near an isolated mansion. 199 00:09:32,381 --> 00:09:36,211 And a young, strapping man in need of assistance. 200 00:09:40,041 --> 00:09:41,564 Yes? 201 00:09:41,607 --> 00:09:42,913 May I help you? 202 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,436 I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, ma'am, 203 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,918 but my hot rod got a flat tire down the road. 204 00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,659 Must've ran over a nail or something. 205 00:09:49,702 --> 00:09:51,052 Oh, how dreadful. 206 00:09:51,095 --> 00:09:54,533 And now here you are, stranded, you poor dear. 207 00:09:54,577 --> 00:09:56,318 Why don't you come inside? 208 00:09:56,361 --> 00:09:59,930 You can use our telephone to call the garage. 209 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:04,021 At this hour? Oh, they'll be closed, ma'am. 210 00:10:04,065 --> 00:10:07,111 Would it be too much trouble if I stayed the night? 211 00:10:07,155 --> 00:10:09,418 That way, in the morning, I can call the garage 212 00:10:09,461 --> 00:10:10,767 and I'll be out of your hair. 213 00:10:11,942 --> 00:10:13,944 I suppose. But... 214 00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,817 I'm afraid the storm has knocked out our power. 215 00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:18,819 But you can warm yourself by the fire. 216 00:10:18,862 --> 00:10:20,559 Well, come in. 217 00:10:20,603 --> 00:10:21,734 Come in. 218 00:10:21,778 --> 00:10:23,171 Oh, you look a fright. 219 00:10:26,304 --> 00:10:30,526 They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, 220 00:10:30,569 --> 00:10:33,529 but I only need two for this one. 221 00:10:33,572 --> 00:10:35,357 Hubba-hubba. 222 00:10:40,753 --> 00:10:42,016 Thank you for the tea, ma'am. 223 00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:46,237 It's... I already feel better. 224 00:10:46,281 --> 00:10:49,806 There's not much in this world that a strong cup of tea 225 00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:52,156 and a roaring fire can't fix. 226 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:56,030 And you're welcome to stay in my guest room tonight. 227 00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:57,640 Oh, thank you, ma'am. 228 00:10:57,683 --> 00:10:59,337 That's very kind of you. 229 00:10:59,381 --> 00:11:04,038 However, there are one or two ground rules you must observe. 230 00:11:04,734 --> 00:11:05,866 Of course. 231 00:11:05,909 --> 00:11:07,215 Of course. Anything. 232 00:11:07,258 --> 00:11:11,088 Once you're in your room, you must stay there. 233 00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:13,134 All night. 234 00:11:13,177 --> 00:11:16,572 And you must lock the door, and keep it locked 235 00:11:16,615 --> 00:11:19,053 for the entire night. 236 00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:22,447 Any particular reason why? 237 00:11:22,491 --> 00:11:24,058 Alas, yes. 238 00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:26,843 I am not alone in this house. 239 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,019 My granddaughter lives with me, 240 00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:33,240 and she's not quite in her right mind. 241 00:11:33,284 --> 00:11:36,461 She has this compulsive craving 242 00:11:36,505 --> 00:11:38,507 for intimate, physical, 243 00:11:38,550 --> 00:11:44,121 some might even say inappropriate touching. 244 00:11:44,948 --> 00:11:46,080 Really? 245 00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:49,213 Oh, yes. She's ravenous for it. 246 00:11:49,257 --> 00:11:52,129 Can't keep her hands to herself. 247 00:11:55,654 --> 00:11:57,918 Wow. That's... 248 00:11:59,006 --> 00:12:01,225 I mean, that sounds... Wow. 249 00:12:01,269 --> 00:12:05,012 She's even been known to sneak into the bedrooms 250 00:12:05,055 --> 00:12:08,450 of strange young men in the middle of the night 251 00:12:08,493 --> 00:12:12,454 in order to get her "fix," as it were. 252 00:12:17,981 --> 00:12:23,160 Is... that your granddaughter? 253 00:12:24,248 --> 00:12:26,120 Yes, it is. 254 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,860 She's beautiful, isn't she? 255 00:12:29,471 --> 00:12:31,255 Well, it's getting late. 256 00:12:31,299 --> 00:12:33,910 Let's get you settled, shall we? 257 00:12:40,047 --> 00:12:42,788 Surely some rules were meant to be broken, 258 00:12:42,832 --> 00:12:45,182 especially when the consequences might prove 259 00:12:45,226 --> 00:12:49,143 to be downright titillating. 260 00:13:09,337 --> 00:13:10,512 You're here. 261 00:13:11,426 --> 00:13:14,037 You came. 262 00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:16,344 Are you the old lady's granddaughter? 263 00:13:16,387 --> 00:13:18,172 Yes. I'm Cheryl. 264 00:13:19,303 --> 00:13:21,044 I'm so glad you're here. 265 00:13:21,088 --> 00:13:26,310 It's been so long since I've gotten to touch... like this. 266 00:13:26,354 --> 00:13:30,053 I... sure am happy to be here, too. 267 00:13:30,054 --> 00:13:31,055 Let me just light a candle. 268 00:13:31,056 --> 00:13:32,534 - No! No! - Whoa. 269 00:13:32,577 --> 00:13:33,883 No. 270 00:13:33,926 --> 00:13:35,667 What we're about to do is best... 271 00:13:35,711 --> 00:13:37,452 It's best done in darkness. 272 00:13:37,495 --> 00:13:39,280 Now kiss me. 273 00:13:39,323 --> 00:13:43,197 And let me... feel you. 274 00:13:46,765 --> 00:13:51,596 Avert your eyes, pervert, and turn the page, 275 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:55,209 to a bright new day. 276 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:04,479 How was your night, young man? 277 00:14:04,522 --> 00:14:06,872 Did you sleep well? 278 00:14:06,916 --> 00:14:11,747 It was... incredible. 279 00:14:11,790 --> 00:14:14,054 Thank you again for the hospitality, ma'am. 280 00:14:14,097 --> 00:14:17,144 I, uh... I saw your granddaughter, 281 00:14:17,187 --> 00:14:19,450 I think, by the window. 282 00:14:21,017 --> 00:14:22,192 So what's wrong with her? 283 00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:23,715 Some kind of mental illness? 284 00:14:23,759 --> 00:14:26,240 Oh, Cheryl was once youthful and vibrant, 285 00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,764 like any young girl her age. 286 00:14:28,807 --> 00:14:31,027 But she wanted adventure. 287 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,247 And I couldn't help but indulge her. 288 00:14:33,290 --> 00:14:37,642 She took a trip to some tropical jungle 289 00:14:37,686 --> 00:14:39,079 in some far-off place, 290 00:14:39,122 --> 00:14:42,343 and unfortunately, while she was there, 291 00:14:42,386 --> 00:14:46,086 she contracted a rare form of leprosy. 292 00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:51,047 Leprosy? 293 00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:54,877 Horrible, terrible, disfiguring disease. 294 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,401 Rotting her swollen flesh away, 295 00:14:57,445 --> 00:14:59,708 and incredibly painful. 296 00:15:01,188 --> 00:15:02,885 Now she can't be around other people 297 00:15:02,928 --> 00:15:05,627 because it's so very contagious, you know. 298 00:15:08,064 --> 00:15:10,980 But, I mean, you don't... 299 00:15:11,023 --> 00:15:14,679 Oh, no, I was exposed as a child, 300 00:15:14,723 --> 00:15:16,246 and so I'm immune. 301 00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,161 I don't suppose you... 302 00:15:18,205 --> 00:15:20,381 Am immune? No. 303 00:15:20,424 --> 00:15:24,124 Mercifully, she'll soon succumb to the leprosy and die, 304 00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:25,647 which is why 305 00:15:25,690 --> 00:15:27,344 I do everything in my power 306 00:15:27,388 --> 00:15:33,388 to ensure that she relishes her final days on Earth. 307 00:15:33,437 --> 00:15:35,309 What do you mean? 308 00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:36,919 What do you mean by that? 309 00:15:36,962 --> 00:15:40,401 It was no accident that brought you here, young man. 310 00:15:40,444 --> 00:15:44,318 How do you think those nails got onto that road? 311 00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:48,626 I did warn you. 312 00:15:48,670 --> 00:15:53,370 I gave you a chance to lock that door and be a good boy. 313 00:15:53,414 --> 00:15:56,852 And now you're almost certainly infected as well. 314 00:15:56,895 --> 00:15:58,332 After last night, 315 00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:02,118 we're going to be together forever, and ever 316 00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,250 till death do us part. 317 00:16:12,607 --> 00:16:14,217 Well, that was grotesque. 318 00:16:15,305 --> 00:16:16,872 What was the moral there? 319 00:16:16,915 --> 00:16:18,569 Don't trust creepy old ladies 320 00:16:18,613 --> 00:16:22,573 and their nymphomaniac, leprosy-ridden granddaughters? 321 00:16:22,617 --> 00:16:27,056 Well, it's more of a "curiosity killed the cat" message, I think. 322 00:16:27,099 --> 00:16:28,666 Ah. 323 00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:30,712 Or don't engage in heavy petting in the dark with someone, 324 00:16:30,755 --> 00:16:32,540 if you haven't got proper protection. 325 00:16:34,150 --> 00:16:38,328 You know, I'm hearing that Archie and Cheryl broke up, 326 00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,592 and that in the end, they didn't do much more than neck... 327 00:16:41,636 --> 00:16:43,638 Oh, yeah? Well... 328 00:16:43,681 --> 00:16:47,250 Who can keep up with all the horny teens at Riverdale High? 329 00:16:47,294 --> 00:16:50,210 I mean, what else is there to do? 330 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:54,518 That's why God created high school. 331 00:16:54,562 --> 00:16:57,391 So there'd be a place where boys could... 332 00:16:57,434 --> 00:17:00,176 chase girls and vice versa. 333 00:17:01,525 --> 00:17:02,700 Yeah. 334 00:17:02,744 --> 00:17:04,441 I mean... 335 00:17:04,485 --> 00:17:05,963 girls will do just about anything 336 00:17:06,008 --> 00:17:07,617 to get a boy's attention. 337 00:17:07,662 --> 00:17:10,664 Including feigning an interest in comic books, apparently. 338 00:17:17,324 --> 00:17:18,586 Every school has one. 339 00:17:18,629 --> 00:17:20,674 The plain Jane with the ponytail mane, 340 00:17:20,718 --> 00:17:23,112 the sweater-set waiting for better yet 341 00:17:23,154 --> 00:17:26,681 who none of the boys seemed to sick their sights on. 342 00:17:26,723 --> 00:17:30,946 Bland Betty was little more than an invisible girl. 343 00:17:30,989 --> 00:17:33,601 Yes, my foul fiends, 344 00:17:33,644 --> 00:17:38,867 Betty's prospects of landing a date were very grave indeed. 345 00:17:38,910 --> 00:17:42,914 So she followed the advice of her favorite beauty mags. 346 00:17:42,958 --> 00:17:46,266 And now, how can I help you, hun? 347 00:17:46,309 --> 00:17:49,269 I would like a new look, please. 348 00:17:49,312 --> 00:17:51,619 Oh, what's giving you the gringles, 349 00:17:51,662 --> 00:17:53,098 doll face? 350 00:17:53,142 --> 00:17:55,362 I just feel so... 351 00:17:56,363 --> 00:17:58,103 unseen. 352 00:17:58,147 --> 00:18:00,410 All the girls at my school have beaus, 353 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:03,500 and it's just like I'm a, uh... 354 00:18:04,022 --> 00:18:05,502 ghost. 355 00:18:05,546 --> 00:18:06,851 I need something... 356 00:18:07,896 --> 00:18:09,463 else, something new. 357 00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:11,465 Something amazing that will get all the boys' attention. 358 00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,293 Well, I've got to tell you, 359 00:18:13,336 --> 00:18:15,556 this ponytail is doing you no favors. 360 00:18:15,599 --> 00:18:16,905 But, but, but, 361 00:18:16,948 --> 00:18:19,864 I just came back from my fabulous honeymoon abroad. 362 00:18:19,908 --> 00:18:23,346 And there's this new hairstyle that is all the rage in Europe. 363 00:18:23,390 --> 00:18:24,434 Really? What is it? 364 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,742 It's called the Beehive. 365 00:18:27,785 --> 00:18:28,873 "Beehive." 366 00:18:30,048 --> 00:18:31,702 Sounds sophisticated. 367 00:18:31,746 --> 00:18:33,269 Oh, it is. 368 00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,227 So we tease up all your hair, put in some extensions, 369 00:18:35,271 --> 00:18:38,448 and then we roll it all up into a dome, just like a hive. 370 00:18:40,102 --> 00:18:41,538 A hive-hive? 371 00:18:41,582 --> 00:18:42,800 I know it sounds a little silly, 372 00:18:42,844 --> 00:18:44,193 but wait till you see it. 373 00:18:44,236 --> 00:18:45,629 All the girls in England and France, 374 00:18:45,673 --> 00:18:46,804 they just love it. 375 00:18:46,848 --> 00:18:48,458 And the boys, they're crazy about it. 376 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,547 And, on my mother's grave, 377 00:18:50,591 --> 00:18:52,593 may she rest in peace... 378 00:18:52,636 --> 00:18:55,770 you're going to get all the attention you've ever wanted, 379 00:18:55,813 --> 00:18:56,814 and then some. 380 00:18:57,859 --> 00:18:59,643 What the heck? 381 00:18:59,687 --> 00:19:02,124 If it's good enough for the Parisians, it's good enough for me. 382 00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:03,343 Oh, smart girl. 383 00:19:03,386 --> 00:19:05,170 You're going to look so chic. 384 00:19:05,214 --> 00:19:07,608 Now, there's just one thing. 385 00:19:07,651 --> 00:19:09,653 Once we get your goldie locks up into the hive, 386 00:19:09,697 --> 00:19:11,351 you're not gonna be able to wash your hair 387 00:19:11,394 --> 00:19:12,787 or undo it, ever. 388 00:19:14,266 --> 00:19:16,921 Oh. Well, how do I maintain it? 389 00:19:16,965 --> 00:19:18,662 With this. Hair spray. 390 00:19:18,706 --> 00:19:21,926 Use throughout the day as needed. 391 00:19:21,970 --> 00:19:24,625 Well, my mom says, I'm supposed to wash my hair 392 00:19:24,668 --> 00:19:26,714 every other day or at least once a week. 393 00:19:26,757 --> 00:19:29,064 With all due respect to your dear mama, 394 00:19:29,107 --> 00:19:30,413 I'm the professional. 395 00:19:30,457 --> 00:19:32,154 And you do want to look beautiful. 396 00:19:32,197 --> 00:19:33,373 Am I right? 397 00:19:35,984 --> 00:19:37,464 The next day, 398 00:19:37,507 --> 00:19:39,857 an all-new Betty showed up at school. 399 00:19:39,901 --> 00:19:43,905 Her coif climbed to such heights it rivaled the Tower of Babel. 400 00:19:43,948 --> 00:19:47,909 And similarly, it got everybody talking. 401 00:19:47,952 --> 00:19:51,347 All the boys went goo-goo-ga-ga. 402 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,523 And as for the girls, well, 403 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:57,484 they were positively gangrene with envy. 404 00:20:13,195 --> 00:20:15,110 Watch where you're spraying, Betty. 405 00:20:15,153 --> 00:20:17,721 You know, that ridiculous hairstyle will never change the fact 406 00:20:17,765 --> 00:20:20,550 that you'll always be a ponytail princess 407 00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:21,943 on the inside. 408 00:20:23,814 --> 00:20:25,512 Betty didn't care 409 00:20:25,555 --> 00:20:26,948 what Cheryl and Veronica thought. 410 00:20:26,991 --> 00:20:28,558 In fact, that was the first time 411 00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,255 they'd spoken to her. 412 00:20:30,299 --> 00:20:33,128 And once Betty got that blush of attention, 413 00:20:33,171 --> 00:20:37,524 well, she started needing it, feeding off it. 414 00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:39,743 The more hairspray she put in her hair, 415 00:20:39,787 --> 00:20:42,529 the heavier and more shellacked it became. 416 00:20:42,572 --> 00:20:44,748 And the more the boys noticed her. 417 00:20:44,792 --> 00:20:47,359 Can I carry your books to class, Betty? 418 00:20:47,403 --> 00:20:48,883 Aw, gee, thanks, Julian. 419 00:20:48,926 --> 00:20:50,624 Hey, uh, Betty, can I take you out 420 00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:52,016 this Friday night, please? 421 00:20:52,060 --> 00:20:53,670 Aw, Archie... 422 00:20:53,714 --> 00:20:56,412 I'll think about it. 423 00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:59,023 And Betty stayed true to her word. 424 00:20:59,067 --> 00:21:03,463 She didn't wash her hair or undo it, ever. 425 00:21:03,506 --> 00:21:05,595 She even slept in her beehive, 426 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:09,599 putting more hairspray on before tucking herself in at night. 427 00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:14,474 And that's when the very bad thing happened. 428 00:21:19,783 --> 00:21:23,613 I swear, in all my years, I've never seen a cuter couple. 429 00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:26,224 She's a cool cookie now, isn't she, Pop? 430 00:21:26,268 --> 00:21:27,574 What do you mean, "now?" 431 00:21:27,617 --> 00:21:29,619 Betty's always been a peach. 432 00:21:31,839 --> 00:21:33,928 You're making me blush, Archie. 433 00:21:33,971 --> 00:21:35,582 Hey, I'm a lucky cat. 434 00:21:35,625 --> 00:21:37,105 I'm going out with the ginchiest girl 435 00:21:37,148 --> 00:21:39,629 with the ginchiest hair at Riverdale High. 436 00:21:40,935 --> 00:21:43,633 Mmm! Best song ever. 437 00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:45,679 - Come on, snake, let's rattle. - Okay. 438 00:21:57,386 --> 00:21:58,692 Betty, is everything all right? 439 00:21:59,823 --> 00:22:00,824 Whoa, Betty. 440 00:22:02,522 --> 00:22:03,697 Something's not... 441 00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:05,655 Betty. Betty! 442 00:22:05,699 --> 00:22:08,266 Betty! 443 00:22:08,310 --> 00:22:09,659 Someone get some help! 444 00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:12,662 Betty's having some kind of fit! 445 00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:14,708 Someone call the hospital! 446 00:22:14,751 --> 00:22:16,536 Oh, God! Betty! 447 00:22:16,579 --> 00:22:19,756 No one could guess how a young girl like Betty, 448 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,847 so full of life, would just drop dead. 449 00:22:23,891 --> 00:22:29,026 Then again, maybe the town's coroner will have the answers. 450 00:22:29,070 --> 00:22:32,726 So young, so beautiful, 451 00:22:32,769 --> 00:22:35,642 and what a fascinating hairstyle. 452 00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:37,773 Hmm. 453 00:22:52,049 --> 00:22:53,094 Oh, my. 454 00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:57,359 What have we here? 455 00:22:57,402 --> 00:22:58,665 No. 456 00:22:58,708 --> 00:22:59,753 No! 457 00:23:00,971 --> 00:23:02,233 Please, no! 458 00:23:02,277 --> 00:23:04,975 No, anything but spiders! 459 00:23:05,019 --> 00:23:06,760 Turns out, Betty's hair 460 00:23:06,803 --> 00:23:09,589 attracted more than just boys. 461 00:23:09,632 --> 00:23:12,330 A black widow spider had crawled 462 00:23:12,374 --> 00:23:14,028 into her tresses that night 463 00:23:14,071 --> 00:23:16,987 and laid a batch of eggs in that ginchy hive of hers. 464 00:23:17,031 --> 00:23:20,382 And when those itsy-bitsy spiders hatched, 465 00:23:20,425 --> 00:23:22,036 they chewed into her brain, 466 00:23:22,079 --> 00:23:25,692 which is what triggered Betty's deadly diner bug-out. 467 00:23:25,735 --> 00:23:27,215 Poor, sweet Betty. 468 00:23:27,258 --> 00:23:30,087 She had to learn her lessons the hard way. 469 00:23:30,131 --> 00:23:34,918 Beauty is only skin deep, and vanity kills. 470 00:23:40,489 --> 00:23:44,972 "Beauty is only skin deep?" "Vanity kills?" 471 00:23:46,060 --> 00:23:48,628 Are these actually different lessons 472 00:23:48,671 --> 00:23:51,152 or variations on a theme? 473 00:23:51,195 --> 00:23:54,068 And what's wrong with wanting to look good? 474 00:23:54,111 --> 00:23:55,983 Boys do the same thing. 475 00:23:56,026 --> 00:23:58,899 They toss weights around, to turn themselves into he-men. 476 00:23:58,942 --> 00:24:02,337 - Uh... - At any rate, by my count, 477 00:24:02,380 --> 00:24:03,947 you're down to your last story 478 00:24:03,991 --> 00:24:06,341 and I still haven't had a starring role in one. 479 00:24:07,864 --> 00:24:09,866 Well, say, that's a notion. 480 00:24:09,910 --> 00:24:12,913 Something romantic would be nice. 481 00:24:12,956 --> 00:24:16,656 Or something that focuses on female friendship. 482 00:24:16,699 --> 00:24:18,222 Yeah, what if we did a flip 483 00:24:18,266 --> 00:24:20,964 of the classic teenage love triangle? 484 00:24:21,008 --> 00:24:22,357 One in which the girls 485 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,012 don't go at each other's throats and cat-fight. 486 00:24:25,055 --> 00:24:27,101 Now, you're singing my tune. 487 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:33,673 Presenting my fourth and final story of the evening. 488 00:24:33,716 --> 00:24:37,111 A terror tale I'm calling "My Better Half." 489 00:24:39,635 --> 00:24:41,245 Archie's a good egg. 490 00:24:41,289 --> 00:24:45,859 But a half-wit when it comes to decision-making. 491 00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:47,948 He struggles with the most basic 492 00:24:47,991 --> 00:24:49,950 of all multiple-choice questions. 493 00:24:49,993 --> 00:24:53,954 Should he go for A, "The girl next door?" 494 00:24:53,997 --> 00:24:57,871 Or B, "The rich starlet-socialite?" 495 00:24:57,914 --> 00:25:01,265 But in a rare stroke of mad genius, 496 00:25:01,309 --> 00:25:04,878 Archie chose C, "Both of the above." 497 00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:07,228 So, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, 498 00:25:07,271 --> 00:25:08,882 Archie takes Betty out. 499 00:25:08,925 --> 00:25:11,101 And on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, 500 00:25:11,145 --> 00:25:13,234 he takes out Veronica. 501 00:25:13,277 --> 00:25:16,019 The one downside to this break-neck schedule 502 00:25:16,063 --> 00:25:18,065 was that Archie would, on occasion, 503 00:25:18,108 --> 00:25:21,285 collapse from sheer exhaustion. 504 00:25:21,329 --> 00:25:23,810 But it was nothing that couldn't be rectified 505 00:25:23,853 --> 00:25:25,550 with a strong cup of coffee. 506 00:25:25,594 --> 00:25:27,552 Or four. 507 00:25:27,596 --> 00:25:29,685 But even for a strapping young buck, 508 00:25:29,729 --> 00:25:32,906 six dates a week will wear a fella out. 509 00:25:32,949 --> 00:25:35,386 That's why Archie saved Sundays for himself. 510 00:25:35,430 --> 00:25:39,303 To rest, recover, and replenish for the week ahead. 511 00:25:42,872 --> 00:25:44,613 Now, you might think Archie 512 00:25:44,656 --> 00:25:46,702 would try to keep his relationships a secret. 513 00:25:46,746 --> 00:25:48,312 But he didn't. 514 00:25:48,356 --> 00:25:50,880 Betty and Veronica knew he was dating the other. 515 00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:56,581 Still, each girl wanted Archie all to herself. 516 00:25:56,625 --> 00:25:57,844 They're playing Double Indemnity 517 00:25:57,887 --> 00:25:59,846 at the Babylonium tomorrow night, 518 00:25:59,889 --> 00:26:02,239 if you want to play a little back row bingo. 519 00:26:02,283 --> 00:26:05,025 Oh, I wish I could swing it, but I got plans. 520 00:26:05,068 --> 00:26:07,810 Meaning you've got a date with Veronica. 521 00:26:07,854 --> 00:26:10,813 When are you going to drop that vapid airhead? 522 00:26:10,857 --> 00:26:12,815 Oh, please. Don't get razzled. 523 00:26:12,859 --> 00:26:14,512 Why shouldn't I? 524 00:26:14,556 --> 00:26:18,734 Having to share my beau with that smelly tomboy. 525 00:26:18,778 --> 00:26:20,040 Don't I make you happy? 526 00:26:20,083 --> 00:26:21,606 Of course you do. 527 00:26:21,650 --> 00:26:24,435 Then why aren't I enough? 528 00:26:24,479 --> 00:26:27,482 Oh, come on, it's not like that. 529 00:26:27,525 --> 00:26:30,137 Hey, you guys are both so different. 530 00:26:30,180 --> 00:26:32,443 But let me let you in on a little secret. 531 00:26:36,012 --> 00:26:37,797 You're my favorite. 532 00:26:39,015 --> 00:26:40,712 Really? 533 00:26:40,756 --> 00:26:42,149 Oh, Archie. 534 00:26:46,370 --> 00:26:48,198 How do you do it, Andrews? 535 00:26:48,242 --> 00:26:50,679 Two broads at the same time. What's your secret? 536 00:26:50,722 --> 00:26:54,509 All right, listen, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once, okay? 537 00:26:54,552 --> 00:26:56,685 You tell them what they want to hear. 538 00:26:56,728 --> 00:26:59,296 That yes, I'm seeing other girls, 539 00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:03,039 but I'm only serious about you. 540 00:27:03,083 --> 00:27:06,869 Okay? You feed them the same three simple words. 541 00:27:10,699 --> 00:27:12,527 "You're my favorite." 542 00:27:14,485 --> 00:27:17,140 Technically, that's four words. 543 00:27:17,184 --> 00:27:19,055 "You're" is a contraction. 544 00:27:19,099 --> 00:27:20,317 "You are my favorite." 545 00:27:20,361 --> 00:27:23,581 - Four words. - Shut up, Doiley. 546 00:27:23,625 --> 00:27:26,367 We're learning from Don Juan here. 547 00:27:26,410 --> 00:27:31,502 But don't you ever get... exhausted? 548 00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:33,591 Sure. 549 00:27:33,635 --> 00:27:36,507 But that's why God invented Sundays and coffee. 550 00:27:38,770 --> 00:27:41,034 Things might've kept humming along as is 551 00:27:41,077 --> 00:27:42,513 until graduation day, 552 00:27:42,557 --> 00:27:45,865 but the Good Ship Archie was headed for an iceberg, 553 00:27:45,908 --> 00:27:47,518 Valentine's Day, 554 00:27:47,562 --> 00:27:51,174 which, this year, disastrously, landed on a Sunday. 555 00:27:51,218 --> 00:27:52,610 So, Veronica, who's the lucky guy 556 00:27:52,654 --> 00:27:54,830 taking you out for Valentine's Day? 557 00:27:54,874 --> 00:27:57,789 - Archiekins, of course. - Keep dreaming. 558 00:27:57,833 --> 00:27:59,095 Archie is my date. 559 00:27:59,139 --> 00:28:00,967 You know, Betty, for a smart girl, 560 00:28:01,010 --> 00:28:02,664 you really are dense. 561 00:28:02,707 --> 00:28:06,102 Archie is going to spend V-Day with his best girl. 562 00:28:06,146 --> 00:28:07,495 And that's me. 563 00:28:07,538 --> 00:28:09,236 - Says you. - Says him. 564 00:28:09,279 --> 00:28:13,022 Archiekins says the only reason he spends so much time with you 565 00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:15,111 is because you're a charity case. 566 00:28:15,155 --> 00:28:19,289 First of all, he hates being called Archiekins. 567 00:28:19,333 --> 00:28:21,161 Second of all, the only reason 568 00:28:21,204 --> 00:28:23,119 he spends any time with you at all 569 00:28:23,163 --> 00:28:25,948 is because your ego is so fragile 570 00:28:25,992 --> 00:28:29,082 he's afraid you might do something desperate or crazy 571 00:28:29,125 --> 00:28:30,300 if he breaks up with you. 572 00:28:30,344 --> 00:28:32,041 He said I'm fragile? 573 00:28:32,085 --> 00:28:34,739 Oh, as a Glamerge egg. 574 00:28:34,783 --> 00:28:36,916 Well, he told me you're so high-strung 575 00:28:36,959 --> 00:28:40,615 you sometimes take your mom's sleeping pills to go to bed. 576 00:28:40,658 --> 00:28:42,965 - He told you that? - Mmm-hmm. 577 00:28:43,009 --> 00:28:45,968 Sounds like someone's been playing you two for fools. 578 00:28:50,233 --> 00:28:52,105 That rat-fink! 579 00:28:52,148 --> 00:28:54,107 Archie, you have to choose right now. 580 00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:56,065 Who's going to be your date for Valentine's Day? 581 00:28:56,109 --> 00:28:57,893 And after you pick me, of course, 582 00:28:57,937 --> 00:28:59,895 you need to end things with Betty permanently. 583 00:28:59,939 --> 00:29:03,246 Ladies, ladies, let's all calm down. 584 00:29:03,290 --> 00:29:05,596 In fact... 585 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:07,859 neither of you can be my date on Valentine's Day. 586 00:29:07,903 --> 00:29:09,296 Why not? 587 00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:12,734 'Cause I'm taking my mom. 588 00:29:13,691 --> 00:29:15,171 You see, it's... 589 00:29:15,215 --> 00:29:17,565 It's her first Valentine's Day without my dad, and... 590 00:29:19,349 --> 00:29:21,177 And, well, she needs me. 591 00:29:22,439 --> 00:29:24,528 I hope you guys can understand. 592 00:29:24,572 --> 00:29:27,140 Archie, of course we understand. 593 00:29:27,183 --> 00:29:28,924 That's so sweet and thoughtful. 594 00:29:28,968 --> 00:29:31,100 I'm sorry we pressured you. 595 00:29:31,144 --> 00:29:33,189 Me, too. It was her idea. 596 00:29:33,233 --> 00:29:35,452 Well, you guys shouldn't have to miss out 597 00:29:35,496 --> 00:29:37,324 on Valentine's Day on account of me. 598 00:29:37,367 --> 00:29:39,152 I mean, there must be some other guys you can go out with. 599 00:29:39,195 --> 00:29:41,067 Yeah, Betty, find somebody else. 600 00:29:41,110 --> 00:29:43,112 No. No, it's really okay. 601 00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:44,679 There's an extra credit report 602 00:29:44,722 --> 00:29:46,333 that I've been putting off, so... 603 00:29:46,376 --> 00:29:48,509 As for me, Mademoiselle just published a recipe 604 00:29:48,552 --> 00:29:50,728 for an egg-white face mask I've been dying to try. 605 00:29:50,772 --> 00:29:52,730 So that'll keep me busy. 606 00:29:52,774 --> 00:29:56,604 Okay, so you're both staying in this Sunday night, then? 607 00:30:05,569 --> 00:30:09,269 But when Sunday night rolled around... 608 00:30:09,312 --> 00:30:13,316 Betty and Veronica decided against staying in, 609 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:16,015 and went on a Valentine's date, 610 00:30:16,058 --> 00:30:17,625 together. 611 00:30:19,322 --> 00:30:23,587 So, imagine their surprise when who should walk in but... 612 00:30:27,417 --> 00:30:30,855 - He wouldn't. - He couldn't. 613 00:30:30,899 --> 00:30:32,640 That rat-fink! 614 00:30:38,341 --> 00:30:39,560 Wait. 615 00:30:39,603 --> 00:30:41,257 Whatever you're about to do... 616 00:30:43,085 --> 00:30:44,913 I have a much better idea. 617 00:30:53,226 --> 00:30:56,185 Betty. Veronica. 618 00:30:56,229 --> 00:30:57,752 What's going on? 619 00:30:57,795 --> 00:30:59,841 We were wondering how your Valentine's date went 620 00:30:59,884 --> 00:31:01,321 with your mom. 621 00:31:01,364 --> 00:31:04,193 Yeah, it was nice. Quiet. 622 00:31:05,629 --> 00:31:07,066 Why? 623 00:31:07,109 --> 00:31:09,938 Well, because a night-off gave us a chance to reflect, 624 00:31:09,981 --> 00:31:12,593 and since you've been having such a hard time 625 00:31:12,636 --> 00:31:15,161 deciding between the two of us, 626 00:31:15,204 --> 00:31:16,553 we were thinking... 627 00:31:18,033 --> 00:31:20,035 what if you had us both? 628 00:31:23,038 --> 00:31:25,562 At the exact same time, 629 00:31:25,606 --> 00:31:28,609 for a very, very special date? 630 00:31:30,828 --> 00:31:32,134 Really? 631 00:31:32,178 --> 00:31:33,222 Really. 632 00:31:35,268 --> 00:31:37,313 Say no more. 633 00:31:37,314 --> 00:31:38,314 I'll pick you both up tonight, 634 00:31:38,314 --> 00:31:39,620 we'll head over to Lover's Lane. 635 00:31:39,663 --> 00:31:42,318 I know the perfect spot. Nice and private. 636 00:31:42,362 --> 00:31:46,061 Actually, Betty had an interesting idea. 637 00:31:46,105 --> 00:31:49,369 I was thinking we could meet in shop class. 638 00:31:49,412 --> 00:31:51,980 After hours, of course. 639 00:31:52,023 --> 00:31:53,242 Why would we go there? 640 00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:55,026 Don't you know? 641 00:31:55,940 --> 00:31:57,725 It's sound-proof. 642 00:31:57,768 --> 00:32:02,860 And we plan on making a lot of noise. 643 00:32:09,345 --> 00:32:12,174 Come, Archie. Join us. 644 00:32:16,961 --> 00:32:18,311 Wait. 645 00:32:18,354 --> 00:32:20,095 You're forgetting something. 646 00:32:22,141 --> 00:32:24,099 Your coffee. 647 00:32:24,143 --> 00:32:26,188 We took the liberty of brewing it 648 00:32:26,232 --> 00:32:27,885 extra strong for you tonight. 649 00:32:27,929 --> 00:32:31,237 Oh, guys, I really don't think I'm gonna need a boost tonight. 650 00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:34,065 Now, now, no need to posture. 651 00:32:34,109 --> 00:32:35,740 You'll want all your energy for what we have planned. 652 00:32:36,460 --> 00:32:39,811 - Promise. - Cross our hearts and hope to die. 653 00:32:47,035 --> 00:32:48,123 Mmm. 654 00:32:54,999 --> 00:32:57,785 Everything all right, Archiekins? 655 00:32:57,828 --> 00:32:59,874 Yeah, no, I'm good. I just... 656 00:33:12,843 --> 00:33:15,150 Someone's waking up, Vee. 657 00:33:15,194 --> 00:33:17,370 I think you're right, Bee. 658 00:33:17,413 --> 00:33:19,285 Welcome back, handsome. 659 00:33:21,591 --> 00:33:22,636 What's happening? 660 00:33:22,679 --> 00:33:23,985 Apologies if you're 661 00:33:24,028 --> 00:33:25,595 experiencing a splitting headache. 662 00:33:25,639 --> 00:33:27,380 I wasn't sure how many of my mom's sleeping pills 663 00:33:27,423 --> 00:33:28,990 to slip into your coffee. 664 00:33:29,033 --> 00:33:31,775 Whatever it is, I'm sure we can figure it out. 665 00:33:31,819 --> 00:33:34,038 But it's already been figured out, silly. 666 00:33:34,082 --> 00:33:36,476 Trust us. This is a perfect solution. 667 00:33:36,519 --> 00:33:39,696 After all, a problem shared is a problem solved. 668 00:33:39,740 --> 00:33:42,525 - Shall we, Vee? - After you, Bee. 669 00:33:42,569 --> 00:33:44,614 Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait! 670 00:33:44,658 --> 00:33:47,269 Wait, hold on! Hold on! 671 00:33:52,361 --> 00:33:55,495 Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! 672 00:33:55,538 --> 00:33:58,672 This won't hurt... much. 673 00:33:58,715 --> 00:34:01,065 We just want to double our fun. 674 00:34:14,035 --> 00:34:15,776 Here, for the first time, 675 00:34:15,819 --> 00:34:18,995 Betty and Veronica are with their beloved Archie 676 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,042 on the same night at the same time, 677 00:34:22,086 --> 00:34:25,524 secure in the knowledge that they'll never have to 678 00:34:25,568 --> 00:34:27,962 share him again. 679 00:34:28,004 --> 00:34:31,747 Didn't I tell you he was a half-wit? 680 00:34:38,928 --> 00:34:40,408 Well? 681 00:34:40,453 --> 00:34:42,890 What did you think of that tag-team twist at the end? 682 00:34:42,933 --> 00:34:46,285 O. Henry, eat your heart out, am I right? 683 00:34:46,328 --> 00:34:49,939 I have... opinions. 684 00:34:49,984 --> 00:34:51,290 Okey-dokey. 685 00:34:52,943 --> 00:34:56,730 I'm detecting a pattern, Jughead. 686 00:34:56,773 --> 00:34:59,950 The sexual politics in most of your stories 687 00:34:59,994 --> 00:35:03,476 are troubling, to say the least. 688 00:35:03,519 --> 00:35:06,174 Veronica, my gosh, 689 00:35:07,044 --> 00:35:09,960 you may be overthinking this. 690 00:35:10,004 --> 00:35:12,093 These stories are just meant to be a gas. 691 00:35:12,136 --> 00:35:13,616 For whom? 692 00:35:13,660 --> 00:35:16,315 Not teen girls, not when you're depicting them like... 693 00:35:17,577 --> 00:35:20,319 shallow, crazy killers. 694 00:35:20,362 --> 00:35:21,668 Is that what you think of us? 695 00:35:22,495 --> 00:35:24,497 No. Of course not. 696 00:35:24,540 --> 00:35:26,760 The boys aren't great shakes, either. 697 00:35:26,803 --> 00:35:29,110 So you admit you're demonizing women? 698 00:35:29,153 --> 00:35:32,418 Veronica, it's just a comic book. 699 00:35:39,773 --> 00:35:43,298 Anyhoo, I'm done now. 700 00:35:43,342 --> 00:35:45,431 Why don't we try to catch that last showing of Diabolique 701 00:35:45,474 --> 00:35:46,693 at the Babylonium? 702 00:35:46,736 --> 00:35:48,477 What do you say? My treat. 703 00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:53,613 I think I'll take a page from your last story 704 00:35:53,656 --> 00:35:55,179 and split. 705 00:35:57,356 --> 00:36:00,359 What's going on? Are we not copacetic anymore? 706 00:36:00,402 --> 00:36:01,577 Of course we are. 707 00:36:01,621 --> 00:36:04,275 I'm just tired, is all. 708 00:36:04,319 --> 00:36:06,408 I'll catch you at school tomorrow, promise. 709 00:36:07,757 --> 00:36:10,194 And as easy as that, 710 00:36:10,238 --> 00:36:15,983 whatever bubble Veronica and I had been in, just burst. 711 00:36:16,026 --> 00:36:20,422 Tomorrow, at school, things would be different. 712 00:36:20,466 --> 00:36:22,642 We'd no longer be the Marilyn Monroe 713 00:36:22,685 --> 00:36:24,905 and Arthur Miller of Riverdale High. 714 00:36:24,948 --> 00:36:26,646 We'd pass each other in the hall, 715 00:36:26,689 --> 00:36:28,474 but she'd once again be the beautiful socialite, 716 00:36:28,517 --> 00:36:31,390 and I'd be the melvin who writes comic books. 717 00:36:31,433 --> 00:36:35,916 The kind that hopefully weren't corrupting the youth of America. 718 00:36:35,959 --> 00:36:38,005 "Don't be fooled by their name. 719 00:36:38,048 --> 00:36:40,181 These publications are anything but comic. 720 00:36:40,224 --> 00:36:43,402 In their pages, crime is glorified. 721 00:36:43,445 --> 00:36:48,276 Acts of wanton carnality are celebrated. 722 00:36:48,319 --> 00:36:52,454 Stabbings and beheadings and disembowelings are commonplace, 723 00:36:52,498 --> 00:36:53,977 vividly depicted, 724 00:36:54,021 --> 00:36:57,154 and offered up to our children like so much bubblegum. 725 00:36:57,198 --> 00:36:59,635 If anyone doubts the insidious effects 726 00:36:59,679 --> 00:37:00,984 of this subversive medium, 727 00:37:01,028 --> 00:37:03,552 let me stress what my extensive research 728 00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:04,988 has proven time and again. 729 00:37:05,032 --> 00:37:07,774 There's a direct and undeniable link 730 00:37:07,817 --> 00:37:10,646 between gruesome acts of brutality depicted 731 00:37:10,690 --> 00:37:12,300 in the pages of comic books, 732 00:37:12,343 --> 00:37:15,521 and similar acts of savagery committed in real life 733 00:37:15,564 --> 00:37:19,046 by the juveniles who read these comics books. 734 00:37:19,089 --> 00:37:21,004 Our children are being seduced 735 00:37:21,048 --> 00:37:25,792 by violence, by sex, by depravity. 736 00:37:25,835 --> 00:37:28,577 Their innocence must be preserved 737 00:37:28,621 --> 00:37:30,492 by any means necessary." 738 00:37:31,580 --> 00:37:33,669 I congratulate you, Dr. Werthers. 739 00:37:33,713 --> 00:37:35,758 That's a brilliant editorial. 740 00:37:35,802 --> 00:37:39,153 The soon-to-be-forgotten Muggs murders, 741 00:37:39,196 --> 00:37:41,329 small potatoes compared to the threat to America 742 00:37:41,372 --> 00:37:43,505 that you have outlined here for us tonight. 743 00:37:43,549 --> 00:37:44,811 Thank you, Mr. Mayor. 744 00:37:44,854 --> 00:37:47,944 I consider it my civic and moral duty. 745 00:37:47,988 --> 00:37:50,860 That's why these so-called creators 746 00:37:50,904 --> 00:37:55,778 of these dangerous and morally reprehensible stories 747 00:37:55,822 --> 00:37:57,345 must be held accountable 748 00:37:57,388 --> 00:38:00,957 and punished to the full extent of the law. 749 00:38:04,352 --> 00:38:06,049 I've been reading your stories, Jones. 750 00:38:06,093 --> 00:38:07,747 I gotta say, I love 'em. 751 00:38:07,790 --> 00:38:09,270 This is incredible stuff. 752 00:38:09,313 --> 00:38:11,490 Thank you, Mr. Fieldstone. I, um... 753 00:38:12,665 --> 00:38:14,144 I needed a win today. 754 00:38:14,188 --> 00:38:15,972 Oh, how come? 755 00:38:16,016 --> 00:38:19,106 Ah, let me guess. Girl trouble? 756 00:38:19,672 --> 00:38:21,325 Yeah. 757 00:38:21,369 --> 00:38:24,894 I... kinda had this sweet thing going with this one gal, 758 00:38:24,938 --> 00:38:27,680 but then she read my comics and, um... 759 00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:31,031 Well, she took it the wrong way. 760 00:38:31,074 --> 00:38:33,076 I don't think she liked what I was saying. 761 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:34,774 I don't even know what that means. 762 00:38:34,817 --> 00:38:35,905 But you busted your ass 763 00:38:35,949 --> 00:38:38,995 to turn those stories around overnight. 764 00:38:39,039 --> 00:38:40,562 And I think you deserve 765 00:38:40,606 --> 00:38:42,085 a little something extra for that. 766 00:38:42,129 --> 00:38:44,653 - A bonus? - God, no. What are you, nuts? 767 00:38:44,697 --> 00:38:46,699 No, I'm thinking, um, credit. 768 00:38:46,742 --> 00:38:48,483 - Your name... - On the cover? 769 00:38:48,527 --> 00:38:51,747 God, no. A byline. 770 00:38:51,791 --> 00:38:54,533 - On the inside. But still... - It's my name in print. 771 00:38:54,576 --> 00:38:57,840 Oh, golly, that would be incredible, Mr. Fieldstone. 772 00:38:57,884 --> 00:38:59,363 I mean, my friends would flip. 773 00:38:59,407 --> 00:39:02,907 How does Jughead "Jugular" Jones sound for a byline? 774 00:39:04,151 --> 00:39:06,849 Oh... I'm crazy for it. 775 00:39:06,893 --> 00:39:08,111 Yeah. 776 00:39:08,155 --> 00:39:09,983 Now, you listen to me, kid, 777 00:39:10,026 --> 00:39:12,725 I don't know much, but I do know this. 778 00:39:12,768 --> 00:39:14,727 Girls come and go. 779 00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:16,598 But your name in print, 780 00:39:16,642 --> 00:39:20,820 now that's a thing that'll make people sit up and take notice. 781 00:39:20,863 --> 00:39:23,300 Little did any of us imagine how prophetic 782 00:39:23,344 --> 00:39:25,955 Mr. Fieldstone's words would turn out to be. 783 00:39:31,701 --> 00:39:36,701 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 56811

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