Original subtitles

Previously on Heels...

I told Ace about the Kleenex.

- What'd he say? - The whole thing

was a little bit of a blur.

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

I may not deserve it, but if you give me another chance

I promise I'm never gonna let you down again.

You wanna be seen? You cannot rely on others

who want the focus on them.

Hey, Ace!

Your new DWL champion is

the valet,

Bunny Bombshell--according to Jack Spade's logic,

I guess anybody can just grab the belt.

Jack, you need my expertise.

You don't know, really, what the fuck you're doing.

You must introduce me to Wild Bill.

Bill, this is Constance. She booked us for the fair.

You are a wise woman, Constance.

You got suspended?

You can't hit people out of anger.

Dad hit Uncle Ace at the hospital.

Jack, each action and each situation,

you could've resisted. You embraced 'em.

You fucking leaned in.

You act like you're some kind of genius.

You ruined my fucking life.

Tomorrow's a new day.

You could talk to him more.

This is Ace. Leave a message,

and I'll hit you back.

Thatta boy, Ace.

Thatta boy.

Hey, Willie, it's Brian from Mayorca Beer.

Uh, couldn't make the show, but heard the news.

Congratulations.

Now let's square up, uh, accounts

now that you're flush.

I'm around all day. Give me a call.

Oops, must've missed your message, Brian,

you perky fake fuck.

Willie, Reggie from Connors Roofing.

Tell Jack I gotta get paid. It's been eight months.

Never a lid. Never a lid.

Lids just vanish.

See you guys tonight. No idea when.

Hey, hug.

In two years, I'll be off to college,

- and you'll miss me. - Really?

Get your grades up, or you won't sniff a college

you can go away to.

Have fun at work, hon.

I thought she was quittin' the DWL.

Me too, love. Me too.

- What's wrong? - Hey.

Sorry, no one died.

But I just got an alert about a county highway meetin'

on the family calendar, so...

Sorry, I keep clicking

on the wrong calendar.

No worries. We all do it.

The county's taking bids,

but they moved that meetin' to the 11th.

Jack, today's the 11th.

Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Shit! God damn it!

Just call and say you overslept.

Jack, you're okay.

Jack, you there?

Yeah, no, I'm here, in our home.

I'm just not where I should be, which is selling

industrial fucking lawnmowers, God damn it!

I'm sorry. I love you.

Shit!

Jack, they love you there.

So don't rush. Also, I wanna remind you

we gotta meet with Thomas' principal tomorrow

to discuss the punching incident.

It's also on the shared family calendar--

the purple one.

Timmy's got me scheduled to open the shop tomorrow

if I'm not fired today.

Thomas is suspended until we meet with the school.

Well, do we both have to be there?

Because I took off too much time for the fair,

and my leverage has dwindled.

Both parents need to be there.

Well, then I'll be there.

Jack, you sell more lawnmowers than anyone else

at that company.

Chisel that onto my gravestone.

Drive safely. Call me later.

I will.

So nice to go on a run with you.

Sorry, I just-- I needed to run hard, think,

then run and not think.

You and Thomas can stay here as long as you need.

What's up?

Oh, Jack just added a work meeting

on the shared family calendar.

I was afraid he'd miss it, so I called him.

You're nicer than I would've been.

Not really.

Poor guy's always doing three things at once.

He's--I feel for the guy.

He's...

he's my guy still.

We just...

gotta find our way back to each other.

Hey, you and I need to talk.

Where are you?

Why? You bringin' over croissants?

- You wish. - That's why I suggested it.

I just wanna make sure that last night,

when we were talking, you weren't blackout drunk

or high as shit, because if you and I are gonna work together,

we really need to be--you know.

No, I wasn't high last night.

You're whispering.

You've got some chippy in your bed, don't ya?

A lady, not a chippy. Her name's Constance.

I believe you've met.

You banged Constance, the fair commissioner?

Perhaps I did. Perhaps I did not.

Which would you prefer?

Oh, my God! That dirty, dirty bird.

She's quite nice-- and the reason we got the fair.

Correction-- I'm the reason we got the fair.

Yeah, okay, well, she still owes us our appearance fee.

So you tell that dirty bird--

Hey! Slut-shamer. Stop calling her that.

I will call that trampy little knob-gobbler whatever I want.

Get her to get me a check.

I've got countless overdue bills I gotta pay today.

Happy to be of service.

You've serviced nothing but that dirty Tweety's twat.

Get her up out of bed and get her flapping her wings my way.

And if her check doesn't bounce,

maybe you'll get some goddamn croissants.

Chocolat, s'il vous plait. Merci.

Oh, God damn it.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, I'd like the restroom key, please.

You gotta buy something, thank you.

Um, I'll get just the key-- would be great.

Key's for people who buy something.

I bought four Cokes at a Gas 'N' Break five hours back.

I didn't sell you those Cokes.

Each Gas 'N' Break's a franchise.

Profits from those Cokes are in the register

of the Gas 'N' Break five hours back, not mine.

Well, yeah, but come on, man.

You guys draft off each other, right?

Makes sense that if I buy X amount of liquid

at Gas Break A, I should be able to use the restroom

at Gas Break B.

People lie all the time.

I got the empty Cokes

and the receipt in my Volvo to prove it.

I'm just tryin' to piss it back out.

Y'all gotta come up with some sort of sales QR tracking code

or some shit, so we're not debatin'

a man's right to relieve himself.

Sir, I'm not in the restroom business.

If you wanna piss out their Cokes,

drive back, piss out their Cokes in their restroom,

or you could buy a new Coke here.

I'll loan you my key.

I got Coke, Cherry Coke, Coke Zero.

Stick 'em all up your ass, sir.

You gon' wash that all away.

This fucking...

That's it. Now git.

For good.

First time I kissed a man with a moustache.

Ooh, so last night was your first time

riding one too?

You took to it pretty well.

If you need me today,

I'll be at my chiropractor.

Don't tell Willie I forgot the check

because you seduced me.

How 'bout we go to my big, empty house next time?

Gets cold there, maybe you can come by and warm me up.

I'll use my entire body as a giant blanket.

Mmm. Mm.

Mmm. Mmm!

Would you like to touch it one more time before you go?

Not in a parking lot.

But definitely later. Call me.

Will do.

Hey, guys, we've got Jim Freeman

with us today, author of one of my favourite books,

The Journey is the Obstacle.

Jim, please.

Tell the folks about your inspiration for writing it.

Thanks, Alex.

So there's many an adage that has led us astray.

Top of the list--

life's about the journey, not the destination.

-I say bullshit. -Right.

Many of us are stuck on the wrong journey.

Yet we dawdle, because we've been taught

that we don't deserve the astonishing now.

You cannot create your own version of the astonishing now

if you're mired in making a foolish journey

seem meaningful.

The journey you've chosen is your obstacle.

Yeah, totally. I can see that.

If the journey you're on is not astonishing

in its spectacularity,

you must abandon it and start anew.

- Mm. - Each of us are called

to ignite journeys sparked

with the transcendent power of the astonishing now.

But so many of us don't answer.

Wake up!

Hey, Siri, define "transcendent."

Whoo, there's the champ!

Did you sleep

with that thing on?

Oh, I did not sleep.

I didn't want the feeling of that moment to end.

Didn't end. It is just starting.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, um,

Bobby, I just wanted to say...

thank you for being in my corner.

I've never had anyone in my corner.

Not like you.

It's dope.

Well, your corner's a fun corner.

- Hey! - Hey!

Amazing job last night.

Well, last night's over.

Today, the wolves are at the door.

People think we're flush with cash now.

Money from the fair is spoken for--

still got a mountain of unpaid bills.

We always knew the state fair was gonna be a loss leader.

We did it to capitalise on the buzz that we'd get.

Don't tell me why we did it. I know why we did it.

I also know a lot of that buzz paints us as jabronis.

Gully's already cut two promos, saying our finish was bogus.

I already blew off all of Gully's heat.

Get on Instagram,

'cause half our comments are Dystopia marks mockin' us

-on our own page. -Let 'em.

Nobody ever gave a shit. Now they do.

That's good.

Not if we don't know

what we are doing.

Look, I got 50 texts-- media, fans, sponsors--

possible momentum, but I got no-mentum with no plan

because the fair's finish was not our plan.

- We're back to square one. - No.

Mystery plus confusion equals ticket sales.

We're at, the very least, at square two.

Ticket sales? To what?

Look, I don't know what I'm promotin'.

Is Crystal really champ? Bunny?

Is someone calling someone else out?

Maybe there's an in-ring interview

with Bill's shit-stained tights.

I don't need a full script, just a gist,

just a sliver of a gist, something to promote.

We gotta pack the house, dude. We gotta pack it this week,

next week, and the week after that.

We gotta pack it over and over and over.

What the fuck is up with Ace?

'Cause he vanished last night.

I'm gonna go see him this afternoon.

And do what, just have a laugh about how y'all almost

killed each other in the ring?

He heard the cheers. He knows what we achieved.

-It was greatness. -Well, good.

Maybe greatness can be achieved a second time

by inspiring some words to come out of your mouth,

about what the fuck happens next?

Goin' to round everyone up.

This is Ace. Leave a message,

and I'll hit you back.

Ace, look, I know we had an eventful endin'

to last night's show, and we hadn't talked yet.

I've been trying to reach out

and I'm sure you're still sleepin'.

Willie's been up my ass for next week's show.

Look, just tell me what you wanna do.

And we'll do it. Okay?

Let's build off of what we accomplished--

together.

I think these boys got something here.

I'd cut back on the road dates, build the business with them.

-You? -Only if you promise

your possum drone will puke in Jack's face.

I'll shake on that right now.

Look, a lot of upside here, a lot of potential.

But they need a update-- announcers, big screens

so the live house can watch promos, vignettes,

interviews, maybe a podcast-- gotta take it beyond the ring.

Look at you, Bill, wakin' up with ideas.

Twitchin' her cottontail ass,

so she got the belt.

According to Jack Spade's logic, I guess anybody

can just grab the belt.

They don't even need to be in the back.

They could be a bunny, a chipmunk,

or a palomino pony with a braided tail.

That boy's neck must be made of concrete.

Billy, you clobbered him.

Hurtin' him put a hop in my step.

Gully's got a good point, though.

It was a no-DQ match, but Crystal still wasn't in it.

Crystal won. They cheered.

You didn't seem this concerned

with Crystal winning last night.

Eh, I just shotgunned three beers, bro.

I'm just saying.

In the light of day, we got some explainin' to do.

Hardcore fans won't respect us if we don't.

Now boys, it is what we make of it.

Maybe since Crystal's Bill's valet,

she won it for Bill.

You fixed it even better, Ricky.

Somebody bring big daddy my belt.

How are the hangovers, y'all?

Round of applause for all of us!

Yeah right!

Willie! Debbie.

Everything that you did behind the scenes--bravo.

You are seen. You are appreciated.

Thank you.

- Whoo. - Good job, ladies.

- That's right. - Ricky!

It's good to have you with us last night.

You lent us your fans and your skillset.

- Thank you. - Amen!

- Ricky! - Whoo.

I hate that stupid heart thing,

almost as much as when they bow with praying hands.

The Dad!

I-I didn't see your match, but Willie says you did good.

Thank you and congrats.

- Yeah. - All right, Dad.

Yo, he fucking killed it.

- All right, Dad. - Big Jim.

Okay, he's back.

- Big Jim. - Talk to your wife.

Make it official. We're better with you here.

- Yes, sir. - Welcome back, Jim.

Sure hope these guys like gettin' paid in compliments,

'cause that's all we've got left to pay 'em with.

Bill.

You swallowed your embarrassment,

and you kept the show goin' last night.

That gesture, that means a lot,

not just 'cause it benefitted us,

but for what it says about you as a friend to the DWL.

Says I shoulda took a enema.

Crystal.

You launched yourself into the chaos last night

of some festering Spade family drama.

And we only weathered it 'cause of you.

It's 'cause of your guts. It's your instinct.

It's your heart.

I'm grateful for you.

Thank you.

That shit was amazing.

Last but not least is Ace Spade,

who's still sleeping apparently.

When everything was gettin' crazy last night,

before Crystal saved the day,

Ace coulda climbed the ladder, grab the belt, but he didn't.

Okay?

'Cause he cares about this here promotion.

DWL was resuscitated,

because Ace and I shook hands

on a vow of loyalty.

And for real bad reasons, I-I squandered that.

So if anyone here

has a problem with Ace Spade...

...it started with me.

I deserve the blame,

because I put y'all's hard work at risk.

I'm sorry.

I gotta write this week's show.

Crystal,

you're now a DWL wrestler.

Welcome to the roster.

Okay, for this week's card,

I gotta rewind a few things just a little bit.

We're gonna invalidate the results of the ladder match

due to technicalities,

build some heat, promote the shit out of it,

deliver killer stories.

I want y'all to stay sharp, stay tuned.

We survived.

Now, let's build on it. Thank you.

Jack, come on!

That shit's not fair!

I think I deserve way more than scraps.

It's bullshit that I have to give up the belt

after holdin' it for one night.

I'm confused.

I should be able to defend my title in the ring,

not relinquish it on some fuckin' technicality.

You came to my house.

You said you'd do whatever it takes for the DWL.

So there were conditions you didn't disclose then?

Jack, I'm tryna talk about my future in the DWL

in the present.

We were together in the past, five seconds ago,

when I pronounced you a DWL wrestler,

which, 24 hours ago, you were not.

I'm not arguin' that.

No? You were shoutin' after me

and calling bullshit.

Jack, I- I followed you to talk to you.

A week ago, you cried to me, saying that you would do

anything for the DWL.

I wasn't crying to you.

I was trying to take responsibility for my actions.

But it would seem that "anything" meant

before you got the belt.

'Cause now you got the belt,

and you're the one who's telling me what's next?

That's what you left out when you were cryin'

and apologisin'.

You're real focused on that day.

I gotta square that day with what's happening right now.

And do not consider any part

of any event scraps.

So let me know if you wanna be part of this promotion.

Follow me, fucko.

- Ah. - You just got a gift.

I was just trying to stick up for my--

Shut up!

I thought you were smart.

Jack just gave you more praise than anyone in this buildin'.

I got two sentences. You got a monologue.

He actually used the words, "I am so grateful for you."

And you go marchin' after him, stampin' and stompin'

in your little Care Bear boots, whinin' "No fair"?

Jesus.

This promotion is in the dark ages

when it comes to women wrestlers.

You ever wrestled a 30-minute match?

'Cause that's what it takes to be at the top of the card

in this business--30 minutes.

How's your cardio, hmm?

And what's your gimmick?

'Cause as far as the audience knows,

Bunny Bombshell now has the DWL belt--

or whoever Bunny was, before you tore your ears off.

We don't know.

So if you've got solutions, share 'em.

Otherwise, quit runnin' your mouth.

I wasn't tryin' to run my mouth.

Really? 'Cause you opened it,

and you let words spew forth without thinkin'.

-If you say so. -Oh, I say so.

I fuckin' know so.

I've lost my life to this business.

So listen to what I say.

I'm sorry.

I am listening.

Really.

Well, I have no idea who your Mr. Miyagi is,

but clearly, you've been practicin'.

You didn't learn all that on the trampoline in your front yard.

Regardless,

there's a match this Saturday night,

and before your hissy fit, Jack was writin' you into it.

For all I know, now he's in his office writin' you out.

Well, I will go apologise to him.

You will sit in this room for ten minutes

and do nothin' but reflect

on how you can better speak to people about your aspirations.

Nobody owes you shit.

Today's Monday.

Your road to fairness starts now.

Go get one of the boys, who isn't tryin'

to stick his dick in you to help and start workin'.

Get in the ring.

Get through five minutes of action nonstop,

then ten minutes, then 15, then 20.

And if you can't do that, well, that's the story Jack writes--

you sidelined before you even got started.

And whose fault is that?

- Hey, Ma. - Hi.

What's with the rocks?

I'm bombarded with junk mail.

I discovered if I ship back a box of rocks

using the postage-paid-by-addressee

envelope, it'd cost them a lot of money,

and it stops.

-Respect. -Mm-hmm.

I've been calling Ace since last night.

Well, we--

the show went well, but we had a little bit of a spat.

He's gone, Jack.

You make it sound ominous.

He left with food and his sleeping bag.

Then just say he went camping.

He went camping, Jack.

You don't think he went camping.

Took his Xbox.

Welcome.

Please be made aware that this establishment is cash only.

No credit card, no Venmo, no PayPal, no Apple Pay,

no crypto--cash only.

Seems pretty restrictive.

I'll just have some, uh, white toast.

Hmm, tryna lose weight?

Just tryna enjoy some toast.

Let me buy you a meal, partner.

Man with your frame needs protein.

I'm not tryin' to offend.

I've had days where all I ate was toast.

I like toast.

Can't trust a man who doesn't.

-I usually-- -Buddy, I ain't lonely.

Go find some other runaway to make s'mores with.

Mm.

Well, you seem kind of old to be a runaway.

Hey!

So you dining and dashing on me, you motherfucker?

What you mean?

- What? - Pay.

Get--pay yo' bill.

Oh, God.

- Keep the change. - Change?

Keep the fuck away from here, you goddamn thief.

Hey.

Here.

I don't know why I did that.

I do.

You feel the world owes it to you.

So you keep it.

- Okay. - Come on.

Come on, Dad.

- Nice, nice, nice. - Attagirl.

That was 12 minutes.

That was not 12 minutes.

That was 11 minutes, 46 seconds.

Ah, that sucked.

Diego, you think you can last 15 minutes with me?

Uh...

Okay. All right.

In a bygone era, I woulda had a great answer

to that question, but I'll just say this.

Let's lock up.

Ah.

Hey, man, you work here?

Are you buying or complaining?

Buyin'. Uh, is this, uh, jacket

good for the rain?

What do you mean "good for the rain?"

If I'm in the rain, will I be good?

Well, it is a raincoat.

So I think the answer is yes.

You ever gone camping in Dover Springs?

Nah, I hate camping.

You work at a camping store.

Alimony. Don't ever get married.

So if you're hikin' and campin' in Dover Springs,

I hope you're all geared up. You got bear spray?

There's bears in Dover Springs?

Oh, yeah, lots of 'em.

They passed a law you can't kill 'em anymore,

but bears don't seem to be thankful about that

when you run into 'em, so watch out.

You got hiking boots?

Uh, naw, I was just-- I was just gonna wear these.

You're gonna hike in soccer shoes?

It's pretty rough terrain.

They're broken in. I'll be good.

Hey, I just wanna make sure

you know what you're doin' up there.

I mean, you're asking me about the efficacy of a raincoat.

This-- this particular raincoat.

Raincoats always work, man. That's why they're raincoats.

Do you sell tents?

Oh, my God.

Every time, just keeps making the bus.

I don't understand...

I don't think it's too bad.

I'll smile more to offset it.

Thank you for waking me up yesterday.

Think we're gonna get that contract with the county--

a lot of mowers.

Jack, that's so great.

Ace left town.

I have no idea where.

I think the idea is he don't want me havin' any idea,

'cause he hates me.

He doesn't. He's not gone far.

He took his Xbox.

I never shoulda told him the truth.

Staci, we were cookin'.

We had arrived.

Let's just have this meeting, get Thomas back in school.

Ace will be back.

Hello there, Mr. Spade, Mrs. Spade.

-Good to see you again. -Hey, good to see you.

Despite the circumstances. Um...

-This is Jennifer Stone. -Hi.

Pleasure to meet you, Ms. Stone.

- Hi. - She works with

the district as a school psychologist.

Uh, sorry we kept you waiting.

Uh, no worries at all.

The amount of time I spent in this here office as a boy

makes me nostalgic to be back.

Usually, the principal's office

brings up scary memories.

I hope you weren't a troublemaker, Mr. Spade.

Well, I didn't necessarily make any trouble--

didn't shy away from it when it found me,

certainly wasn't scared of it.

Violence sometimes suggests a deeper issue going on

with a child, and the proximity to professional wrestling

may even normalise it.

It's boys. We handled it at home.

Tell us. We're concerned.

No need for a concern. It's handled.

Thomas understands he can't use his fists to express himself.

Well, not at school, anyways.

School, their rules.

School rules say you can't defend yourself that way.

Noted.

There's no need for a deeper dive.

Okay, well, the video evidence of the incident

might amend your feelings about it.

You got any audio evidence?

Audio evidence would amend your feelings,

because audio evidence would

reveal what provoked Thomas that day.

Thomas broke the boy's nose.

We want to make every effort to de-escalate the situation.

I-I-It's over.

It's de-escalated.

You think this is funny?

No, I don't.

But I was just recalling when I was in fifth grade here.

A kid named Dave Curley

pulled down Becky Colquit's pants at recess.

Becky's brother, Todd, stepped up.

He broke Dave's nose,

and then he broke Dave's left arm.

And Dave learned something that day about bullying.

Now, guess what?

Dave turned into a pretty good guy.

He's working as a social worker now up in Raleigh.

Thomas is a sensitive boy,

who responded in a way we don't prefer.

Thomas got told to go fuck himself.

That's bullying.

Thomas taught that bully a life lesson

about using threats and fightin' words.

There's no such thing

as fighting words, Mr. Spade.

Fighting words escalate into a school shooting,

and you don't want that, do you?

Did you just ask me if I wanted this to escalate

to a school shootin'?

I did.

Until Congress legislates an approved list of fighting words

that justifiably provoke physical retribution,

we're just gonna draw the line at no punching,

no kicking, no scratching, no pulling hair too,

but top on the list is no punching.

Make sense?

Totally. Completely.

Well, mission accomplished.

That was one of the worst routes ever taken

to accomplish any mission ever.

It's a miracle we got out of that meetin'

with them agreein' to let Thomas back in school.

Well, Staci, it's over and done with, and he's unsuspended,

so what is the deal for tonight?

You gon' drive to Alpharetta, grab Thomas,

and just come on back, 'cause that's a--

That's a lot of driving for one day.

I don't even know what to s--

Staci, I came to the meetin'.

Me, it's Jack. It's my point of view.

I figure since we were invited--

Summoned. We were summoned.

They had the district school psychologist there.

This wasn't a meetin' about detention and writin'

"I'm sorry for punching" 200 times.

They think our son might have mental health issues.

They...

They're concerned

that the school district's gonna get sued.

They're just tryin' to cover their ass.

They wanted us to acknowledge punching as wrong.

How could you not read that?

'Cause punchin' is not always wrong.

Listen, are we supposed to live according to principle,

or we just supposed to suck it up?

We're supposed to live according to principle

and common sense.

Well, let me know when to use which.

And hey, how- how is it that I'm here talkin' 'bout Thomas,

and you're clearly tryin' to talk about me?

No, I'm talkin' about all of us.

This is exactly my point.

I think we're doin' this together,

and then you go rogue, arguing about fighting words.

No, goin' rogue's fightin'

in the absence of fightin' words.

Those people have master's degrees.

If they think we should reframe our son's behaviour,

maybe we should just listen.

I listened, then I responded.

You talked. You schooled the school people.

What the hell, man?

You have one gear lately-- confrontational.

I was in there defendin' our son,

who did not have mental health issues--

I don't wanna argue.

I just wanna hold your hand

and walk through this life together.

But I...

I sure can't imagine anyone observin' us

and thinking, "Wow, what a great marriage."

But it's what I want.

It's what we deserve, and it's not this.

And I'm not in a hurry to come home

if this is the way we're gonna treat a--

Go ahead.

Say something else

about how I'm no longer the man that you married.

Stop provoking me. I wasn't going--

I did what you asked. I told Ace the truth.

I'm here at this meetin' listening to those two

fucking idiots tell us that our son is a bully,

which is not true.

I conceded the point. I did not think it true,

but I did for you, for Thomas, for us.

I can play by the rules, but you're here,

and you're threatenin' me, Staci.

You're threatenin' to stay separated!

No, I am telling you

I am so disoriented and--and--and unfamiliar

by this way you now seem to express your unhappiness.

And that it has to change, Jack,

because I can't do it like this.

Well, I don't know

when you got so conditional, but there it is.

-Don't say it's conditional. -That's fine.

-No, it is! -Who the fuck are you?

It is!

And look, may- maybe it should be.

I get--I get it.

I'm--I'm gonna stop asking you to come home,

because clearly, I haven't earned it.

Who am I?

I disappeared

the day my dad shot himself in the head.

And Daddy's final words to me were,

"Jack, take care of Ace," and I thought that I was.

I'm a man who's desperate to provide,

who's tryin' to build a home for all of us.

And, Staci, I'm failin' at all that.

So n--so I'm--so I'm a man

who doesn't know where his brother is,

and--and whose wife and son have left him

alone in our home.

Now what's that make me? Who's that make me?

I'm just a dude.

I'm just...

I'm just a dude who's tryin'.

And all I'm doin' instead is I'm fuckin' everything up.

I'm a disaster.

I don't know

what I have to do

to find the guy that I was before.

I don't know the first thing.

I'ma figure it out.

This is Ace. Leave a message,

and I'll hit you back.

Ace, hey, listen to me, man.

I don't know how far you went or where,

but I know that you took your Xbox with you.

So just tell me what I gotta do to get you back here.

You want me to run down Main Street naked

with a pumpkin head?

Done! All right?

I messed up, but I need you with me,

and I want you to know that I won't keep on working

to build this thing until you decide to come back.

You know that you gon' come back,

because you were born to wrestle!

So just reach out, and let's fix this!

Okay, okay.

Naked lady walks into a bar.

Poodle under one hand.

There's no way, dude.

Ace has gone away, no idea where.

New plan--Crystal, you're gon' be on the card.

Where? I don't know.

But we're gonna throw you in the deep end.

That way, if you drown,

we will not have wasted any time.

Don't ask me how it ends. Don't ask me how it begins.

I'm gonna write a promo. We're gonna shoot it tonight.

Brew some coffee.

Jesus, the minute we get some momentum--

these fucking brothers, man.

Now Ace quit? Rooster defected.

Pock's gone AWOL. Bobby's leg's broke.

It's fucking great.

Actually, I'm healing really fast.

Doctor said that I make more calcium

than the average person.

How's that work, exactly?

You got, like, a milk titty in your leg?

Hey, Jack.

Want you to know I'm here

to relieve some pressure, here to help.

Bill, if you're gonna tell me that I don't know

what the fuck I'm doing again, no, thank you.

"You don't know what the fuck you're doin'"

is not an insult.

It isn't.

Look, you can't be judged on your ability to do something

if you haven't been properly taught how--

no disrespect to your dad.

Hey, you wanna go where he never went

and where I've been.

Sometimes my turns of phrase misfire.

I own that. I offer an apology.

And I am here to help.

Not to disrupt.

Now, look.

We are, right now, what we call in the business,

butt-fucked.

The finish to the title match gave us a huge pop,

but we booked ourselves into a corner.

We gotta figure out how to make you whole again

while still pushing Crystal without emasculatin'

your sausage party of a talent roster.

Look, you can write.

Write.

But I got some ideas--

some good ones.

I'd like to share 'em with you.

In this...

...battered notebook, one of about 100,

there lies the scribbled wisdom born out of 7,000 nights

in 6,000 motels.

Let's put our heads together and get this shit goin'.

As president of the Duffy Wrestling League

board of directors, I called this press conference

to address the recent controversy.

Last week, in an overzealous moment,

our referee erroneously awarded the title to Bunny Bombshell,

who was not a legal competitor in the title match,

and therefore, was ineligible to win.

- Huh. - 'Scuse me.

This referee

is now suspended without pay, pending an investigation.

There's no need. There's no need.

I'm retiring from reffing.

Praise the Lord.

Nice passing the heat to the ref.

Time-tested good shit.

Shut the fuck up, Kevin.

Bill Hancock was incapacitated during the match

and left unattended,

a grievous oversight by our entire promotion.

I want to apologise to Mr. Hancock

for our mishandling of your gastrointestinal complication

and offer you Jack Spade in a ladder match rematch

for the DWL title.

This is only happenin',

'cause he's threatenin' to sue the DWL!

Eddie.

I accept your completely unmotivated apology.

But if you're looking for who to blame,

look at who might gain through sabotage.

Jack Spade.

Ace Spade.

I was poisoned!

And who had better access

than my so-called valet, Bunny freakin' Bombshell?

A valet that had just come off workin' with Ace Spade.

Maybe they never stopped working together.

Keep on using them fightin' words, Bill,

and you're gonna find yourself in a world of hurt.

You got your money, and you got your lawyers,

but what you also have is a mouth writin' checks

that your leaky ass can't cash!

Let's go right now, big Jack!

Please! Leave it for the ring,

where we will all gladly pay

to see you spill one another's blood.

And now, Ms. Bombshell--

Whoa, check yourself.

My name is not Bunny Bombshell or Tits McGee

or any other cartoon stage name

this hairy, syphilitic sack of skin tried pinnin' on me.

You will call me Crystal Tyler.

I am a grown, damn woman.

Oh, you think it's funny, Jack Spade, huh?

I do.

What's funny was that look on your face

after I kicked your ass and took your title!

-You wanna go right now? -I'll do whatever...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Ms. Tyler!

I am impressed by your competitive fire,

but this belt and the title are gonna be held in abeyance

until Saturday's match

between Jack Spade and Wild Bill Hancock.

And Ace Spade, you're invited to return to Duffy

and challenge for the belt again.

If not, your spot'll be taken by another challenger.

See you all Saturday, 7:30 p.m.,

live from the Duffy Dome.

- Cut. - Good!

Hey, good job.

- Nice job. - Very well done!

Ain't nothin' without the words, Shakespeare.

Hey. Standing room only.

Field of fucking Dreams out there.

Promo worked so good.

Merch is moving. Beer is flowing.

We're gonna make some money tonight.

Yeah, they still gotta buy what we're sellin' in the ring.

Okay, one victory at a time.

You sure about the finish? Just confirming.

This is Ace. Leave a message,

and I'll hit you back.

Hey, if you show up here

in the next ten minutes or so, just slide in the back,

and I'll fill you in once we're in the ring.

Otherwise, I'm gon' keep reachin' out,

and I'm gon' keep leavin' these messages.

I need you back here.

Let's go.

Ace! Ace! Ace!

Ace! Ace! Ace!

Folks, I'm sorry to say this,

but Ace Spade is a no-show.

But you were promised a triple threat ladder match

for the DWL strap, and that's exactly what you're gonna get.

Ace Spade's sudden and mysterious absence

has provided the opportunity of a lifetime.

I am makin' an open challenge

to any other man on the DWL roster.

Now, who's it gonna be?

How 'bout a woman?

I got a DWL contract right here,

which means I'm on the roster.

No, no, no, no!

And I came here for what's mine--

to win back my belt!

Oh, don't encourage her now, folks.

She's a spectator just like yourselves tonight.

Look at this typical male bull crap.

Woman comes in, beats three men

only to have a fourth man

manufacture some technicality

to dismiss her.

They're lookin' at me like,

"Who's this bitch think she is?"

Shut up!

You guys see that look on Jack Spade's face?

Yeah, he don't like a lady

using such language in the DWL, but you know what?

You're actually right about me, Jack.

My name is Crystal Tyler,

and I am the baddest bitch

the DWL has ever seen!

Nice.

I am the real goddamn champ

till one of you has got the balls to take it from me.

Your job is to hop around and fetch my robe.

So quit twitching your little bunny tail here

and hop on out!

This match is no place for a woman.

Crystal Tyler, you want in the match?

You got it!

But! But don't you come crying to me

'cause you got bit trying to play with the big dogs.

Ring that bell, Eddie!

I am officially protestin--

Shit!

That's a living legend right there!

How dare you!

All right, folks. We are under way.

Oh, he's giving her a police escort

right into the turnbuckle there.

She don't belong in this ring!

Witchcraft!

Burn her!

There's just two left in the dance contest now.

Okay, here we go.

Now this is some great action here.

You don't turn your back on a girl

with that kind of agility, I'll tell ya.

Looks like she's tryin' to maybe choke him.

Whoa!

Crystal just lands on her feet like a housecat.

Stuck the dismount.

Uh-uh. She means business.

Oh!

Well, that done backfired on him, didn't it?

Ow! Come on!

- Did it hurt? - Yes!

Yeah?

She just keeps slappin' with her open hand.

I don't understand that.

I would use a rock or a closed fist.

Closed fist is illegal in professional wrestling,

Eddie Earl.

Oh!

He threw her for distance.

Oh, he's fixin' to end

this girl's career before it starts.

Oh, she's jumping up to the top pole.

Appliances. Here she goes.

Oh! That is some kind of superkick right there.

Every time Jack takes his eyes off the prize,

Crystal does something fantastic.

Oh!

-Good lord! -Oh!

Like a young Nadia Comaneci,

right with an elbow to the face.

For anybody under 75 right now,

he means Simone Biles.

He's working the outside of the ring here.

- Thanks very much. - Hey!

He's stealing a $7-beer. That's not all right.

Remember, this is a ladder match.

You need to use the ladder to climb and grab the belt.

You need the ladder to win the match,

but it can also be used against you.

Look at her.

She's been to a Home Depot before.

All right, well, he's back in the ring.

He's a little--oh. Little do-si-do there.

She didn't plan to land on that elbow.

Hot dog, kids these days call that a cutter.

It's a Crystal Cutter, Eddie Earl!

That's a rich country in the Middle East as well.

All right, that ladder's twice the size

of that little girl.

Well, she's gotta get up to the top floor

and get that belt.

Oh, Crystal's gonna win

this match right here, right now.

Hold up, Ricky.

Have you ever seen a ladder match

where someone climbed the ladder

with a sense of urgency or alacrity?

Oh!

He's got a hold of her-- an impolite hold of her.

Could be prosecuted in some states.

He's gonna throw her into the second row.

Oh, wait!

She's reversed it on him.

Oh. Oh, she is--

Jade Spade might be in trouble here.

She is twisting the life out of his neck.

Like a boa constrictor.

- Use those thighs! - Choke him out!

You got it!

She's locked in a triangle choke.

He's very much in trouble.

I would think a lot of men

would want to be in his position.

He's tapping out. He can't breathe.

He don't wanna be there.

He's out. Jack's unconscious.

It's all over but the climbin' now.

Come on, Crystal!

When she grabs that belt,

no one can say that she won on a technicality.

She beat these men fair and square.

We are all eyewitnesses.

She's this close to winning the belt again.

Wait a minute! He's comin' from the side!

Wild Bill is back. He has self-released himself.

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

She's made it!

She has won the belt again.

Yeah! Whoo!

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

It's CrystalMania, is what it is.

That's what's broken out here.

What a sport. Hey, look it--

look at how dejected Jack Spade is.

He's upset.

Well, he should be.

Yeah, absolutely.

He just lost to a 101-pound girl.

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

Great piece of business, Jack.

One hell of a sacrifice for a top guy

to put over a five-foot-nothing female--

and clean, at that.

It was the right thing to do.

And judging by those cheers,

it was a good call.

Thank you.

You helped put her over too.

"Therefore, Saul took a sword and fell on it.

"And when his armourbearer saw that Saul was dead,

he also fell on his sword and died with him."

I'll be fine.

I once lost to Vanilla Ice and a Ninja Turtle.

There she is!

Way to go, Crystal Tyler.

Willie, I just--

All right.

Good job.

Go ahead and grab yourself a beer or a shot,

you know, to celebrate.

Oh.

Hey.

All righty then.

Hey, a few more shows like that,

and you might actually make some money.

I know.

This guy did it. He was--

- This guy. - Yeah.

This guy! This guy!

Hey.

Ace, hey, listen to me, man.

I don't know how far you went or where,

but I know that you took your Xbox with you.

So just tell me what I gotta do to get you back here.

Do you want me to run down Main Street naked

with a pumpkin head?

Done! All right?

I messed up, but I need you with me.

I want you to know that I'm gon' keep on working

to build this thing.

Until you decide to come back.

You were born to wrestle!

So just reach out, and let's fix this!

Jack, look.

Turns out the DWL didn't need Ace after all.

Now we got...

CrystalMania!

Help?

Can anyone hear me?

Help!

Help!