Original subtitles

[theme song plays]

♪ One, two One, two, three, four ♪

[vocalizing]

[chicken clucks]

See the trick is to buy Halloween costumes in the off-season.

That's three Halloweens all for the price of one.

Ha ha, Dad, you're so good at saving money, it's scary.

[chuckles] Boo!

I'm going to use these props and costumes for my newest play:

The Specter of Affection.

Sounds great. I love the theater.

Who doesn't?

The bright marquees.

The happy theatergoers.

The scalpers selling definitely real tickets.

All these people have been moved to joy by they power of theater.

-Yeah. Except those people. -Hm?

[man] Stupid standby line.

I'm so bored of waiting for the theater.

If only someone could bring the theater to us.

Remy, start memorizing your lines.

We are putting on a show.

Ooh.

You know, it's not often we get errands done

without going on a wacky adventure.

-It's kind of nice to-- -Stop. Look.

It's all my favorite superheroes.

Dr. Robot. The Incredulous Bulk.

America Rat.

They're all here for realsies.

We got to go meet them. Come on, Dad.

Oh, right behind you, son.

[scoffs] If I wanted to see a hero wearing pantyhose,

I could just look in a mirror.

[laughs]

You're funny. Funny and mean.

-You're my new co-host. -Co-host for what?

My show. I go around and talk about stuff I hate.

-Sounds awful. -You're perfect.

-Let's go. -Ah!

Remy, do you swear the performer's oath

that we shall do whatever it takes

to bring a smile to everyone's face?

Oh, I'm not allowed to swear.

-Just say yes. -Yes.

It was the summer of my debutante debut,

and I, Honeybelle Sweet Tea, was to be wed.

But my father did not approve,

as my beloved Buford was a ghost.

Ooh!

Oh, foul fortune. How could you--?

-Boo! -Hey, that's my line.

Um, excuse me, why are you booing?

Ghosts are boring. I don't like it.

If this kid doesn't like the play,

we'll miss the opportunity to bring him joy.

What do we do, Tilly?

Instead of a ghost, what would you like to see, sir?

Airplane.

So it would make you happy

if the love interest was an airplane?

-Yes. -Well, you heard the man, Remy.

The show must go on.

[lips sputter]

[chuckles]

And we got it. Thanks for the photo.

Yup. If you're ever looking for a sidekick,

you know how to contact me.

Oh, uh...

Well, we'll keep you in mind.

-[voices giggling] -Huh? Oh, no.

-What's wrong? -It's them.

[laughter]

-Who are those guys? -Our mortal enemies!

[feet crashing]

[laughter]

Croblins!

-Run! -[all scream]

-Aw. -What?

[Tuck] Welcome back to I Hate It.

I'm here with Alice,

and she's going to tell us how it is.

-Fire hydrants? -City pimples.

-Pigeons? -Trash parrots.

Evan the camera guy.

Sweaty and desperate.

Hey!

-Correct. -Yes!

Three for three.

Now come on, let's keep moving.

There's a whole city of stuff to hate.

-Oh, yeah! Evan, move it! -[sighs]

I knew I shouldn't have worn this turtleneck.

Oh, providence divine.

They said that love between a woman

and a mid-size commercial airliner cannot be.

And so we must...

fly away together.

-[lips sputtering] -Huh?

[yawns]

The changes to the play aren't working.

The audience is still bored.

What are we going to do?

We are going to stick to our oath

and make sure our play brings everyone joy.

-Whoa! -And now for a brief intermission.

Ah!

Ugh, even looking at my watch is getting boring.

Excuse me, we're conducting a brief survey

about your theater experience so far.

Anything different you'd like to see in act two?

Well, some singing might be nice.

Okay. What else?

-What about a sword fight? -More wigs.

The actors come into the audience, and tickle them.

-[boy 1] Rollerblades! -[boy 2] Political intrigue!

[overlapped shouting]

Oh, what a wonderful photo.

You have filled my sweet round son with joy.

Please take all mein deutsche marks.

[cackling]

Well, we had a good run.

What the heck's going on? Those Croblins stole your spot.

Are you going to let them get away with that?

Yes, absolutely.

They may look cute, but those Croblins

are the true villains of Times Circle.

They hog the best sidewalk.

And keep all the tourists' tips to themselves.

Are you kidding? They look totally harmless.

Hey, you know what? I'll go talk to them for you.

What? No. It's too dangerous.

Yeah! Go get 'em, Dad.

Okay, so good so far.

He's pointing back at us, and--

Oh, they took his hat.

Oh, man, yeah, they're playing keep-away with him.

Oh, Dad, no, that's what they want you to do.

And, yup, they tabletopped him.

It's just plain rude.

All right, enough messing around.

You three are superheroes. You can take those guys easy.

Kid, you know we're not actually superheroes, right?

Oh. Oh, no.

My dude, really?

These are just costumes, dawg. You knew that, right?

You know superheroes aren't real, right?

My guy? For serious?

My man out here thinking movies is real?

Are you crying?

No! Whatever! Who cares?

What's important is that even if you're not real superheroes,

you can still stand up for yourselves.

-Yeah, but we don't want to. -Fine.

If you three won't be superheroes, then I will.

Okay, Remy.

We've surveyed the audience

and now know exactly what they want.

Um, you made a lot of changes to the script.

Are you sure it all makes sense?

I am sure it will bring them joy.

Now get changed and get out there.

Hey, everybody, I'm Hot Doug.

And I'd like you all to meet my beautiful son,

Douglas, Jr.

I'm daddy's little bratwurst.

Let's get it... Dijon.

Oh!

[Tilly] Not so fast.

[muttering]

I am a kitty cat.

Prepare to die.

Hm?

No one's smiling?

How is that possible?

Excuse me.

[muttering]

I don't get it.

Why aren't you enjoying the play?

I don't really understand what's happening.

Yeah, it's kind of all over the place.

It's a train wreck. And not the good kind.

Sorry for wasting your time.

[mutters]

-Mm. -Pack it up, Remy.

-Play's over. -What?

-But what about the finale? -Forget it.

I gave them everything they said they wanted,

and I still couldn't make anyone happy.

All I've done is make myself reverse-happy.

You mean sad?

You always have the right words, Remy.

[grunts]

-[laughing] -Hang on, Dad.

A hero has arisen.

[imitates air whooshing]

Don't worry. You're going to a better place.

-Hand me the rest, Remy. -[imitating air whooshing]

Whoa! That superhero looked a lot like Cricket.

Oh, great, what are you up to now, kid?

I'm here to help you vanquish those villainous Croblins.

We already told you, we're not real heroes.

Yeah, you cried about it, remember?

Lots of stuff happened, okay?

Listen, it doesn't matter if you're real heroes or not.

I believe in you.

So now all you've got to do is believe in yourself

and do what you think is right.

Do what I think is right?

I was so focused on what other people thought,

I stopped believing in myself.

Remy, we are putting on a show.

The original version.

-No changes this time. -[gasps]

So, what do y'all say?

I say you've got a point.

This is America.

Everyone should have an equal opportunity

to swindle money from tourists.

-Well, that's not-- -So let's go get those Croblins!

-[both] Yeah! -There you go.

-Huh? -Showtime.

-[Croblins laughing] -[groaning]

[Cricket] Hey, Croblins.

Your days of ruling the sidewalk and harassing adult men are over.

Oh, yeah? What are you going to do about it?

Sidewalk superheroes charge!

Father, how could you be so cruel?

Buford may be dead, but he makes me feel so alive.

[both grunting]

[yelling]

[Tilly] I'd like to see you marry my daughter behind bars.

Ooh!

Father, you fool.

He is intangible.

-Please let me go. -[Croblin cackling]

Bulk snatch!

Ew, why are you wet?

Ew, ew, gross!

I'm free!

Perhaps your father is right.

Woman and ghost can't be together.

That's just the thing.

For I was a ghost all along!

Wh-Wh-What?

Honey Belle, why didn't you tell me sooner?

For tension.

And they died happily ever after, the end.

[yawns]

Wow, what a rush.

Remy, you were great.

I-I was just riding off the energy you brought to the scene.

Though it doesn't seem like anyone actually liked it.

It's impossible to please everyone.

But as long as you like what you make,

that's all that matters.

Hey, everyone, the line's moving.

[all chatter]

I see a lot of theater,

and I must say this play was a delightful avant-garde aperitif.

I was going to give these roses to the star of today's show,

but I want to give them to you instead.

I no longer crave your validation,

but I do appreciate it.

Oh, okay, I'll just keep these then.

Gimme.

[all grunt and groan]

It's over, losers.

You go back to that garbage, where you belong.

It ain't over yet.

I still have one more trick up my sleeve.

[chanting in foreign tongue]

I've heard of war and peace, but this is war and please make it stop.

Am I right, Alice?

You'd better muzzle your grill

if you know what's good for you.

I hate plenty of things, but my family ain't one of them.

I'm out!

My only friend, gone.

[grunting]

Guys, now, while they're distracted.

-Huh? -[grunting]

America Rat!

[all moaning]

Oh, my gosh.

They're just a couple of teenagers.

And one old man?

And I would've gotten away with it

if it weren't for that meddling kid.

Come on, Dustin. Come on, Chance.

Let's get out of here.

[all grunt]

[yelling]

We did it, everyone.

The block is ours.

Wow, hey, look at these superheroes.

-Can we get a picture? -Line up, everyone.

Kid Cricket takes cash or card.

-Don't even think about it. -Respect.

[humming]

All done with the card, Cricket. Did you get the flowers?

[grunting]

Got them right here, Tilly.

Can you believe there are people out there who buy flowers?

They grow everywhere for free. Just take them.

Now remember, we've got to be extra sweet

when Gramma gets home from the doctor.

Papa's bringing her back from cataract surgery,

so it's our duty as grandchildren

to be extra loving in her time of need.

Cat-attack surgery?

Guess you can be pushed too far, huh, Dirtbag?

Meow?

No, Cricket.

She had a small operation to fix her eyesight.

She probably won't be her same spunky self,

so don't be alarmed if she looks weak and fragile.

Hyah! Who keeps moving the doorknob around?

Is this one of your pranks, Cricket?

-Uh, over here, Gramma. -Don't patronize me, boy.

Now, Ma, for the last time, until the bandages come off,

you won't be able to see for awhile.

I don't need eyes to see.

And I've got stuff to do today.

Stuff?

Can't whatever you want to do wait?

It most certainly cannot.

And just because my eyes are under the weather

doesn't mean I can't do my normal Tuesday routine!

First, I'll pick up my favorite newspaper, the Tuesday Gazette.

It's the only news that caters to country folk

who ain't into any phooey.

[spitting]

After that, I'll head over to Greasy Gus's Burger Stand.

They've been selling the best burgers in Big City

since it was still called Big Country.

[all spit]

I've done this every Tuesday for years,

and nothing has ever stopped me.

That can't be true. I was born on a Tuesday,

so you must've missed going at least once, right, Ma?

Ma?

[moaning]

-[popping sound] -[baby cries]

Whew. Welcome to life.

[chomping]

I didn't want to know that.

Now I've got my cane and my purse,

and no one's going to stop me from leaving.

Being a purse. This is my purpose now.

Now let's see.

Just got to find the front door.

Oh, for Pete's sake, if it's so important to you,

I can get your paper and burger.

Do I look like I need anyone's help?

Of course you don't. But think of this as a day off.

You get to sit back and relax,

while we get to take care of everything for you.

Hm. All right, Bill.

Just this once.

Really? Oh, that's a relief.

Here's the address for the burger stand.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I think I'll head to my room and rest for awhile.

Okay, you know she's up to something, right?

[sighs] Yeah, I know.

Just hold down the fort while I'm gone.

Make sure Gramma doesn't get up to any Gramma stuff.

Papa don't leave us alone with her.

Now, it's not going to be that bad.

I'll be right back before you know it.

You might want to barricade the door, just in case. Good luck, kids.

-[door closes] -[loud crash]

Gramma?

[Tilly] Is everything okay?

Hm. Where'd she go?

-[loud crash] -Look!

Gramma? Ah!

Gramma, you almost sliced my head off.

Then you keep your head out of my escape route!

Gramma, I'm over here.

-Oh. -Just let us take care of you.

We can all relax until Papa gets back with your burger and newspaper.

He ain't getting no burger.

I gave him a fake address.

Why would you do that?

Because he insisted I needed to recover like some frail old softy.

But you do need to recover.

What I need to do is my Tuesday routine!

Hyah! Tactical roll.

Oh, my gosh. She's loose.

Okay, got the newspaper.

Just got to find that burger joint.

According to the address Ma gave me, it should be right... here?

Who knew Ma went in for trendy places like this?

Let's take a gander here. Hm.

Cube BRGR.

The Make-Believe-A-BRGR.

Is this really a burger place?

Welcome to BRGR. May I take your order?

Can I get a... normal burger?

-[all gasp] -Sir!

There are no "normals" here.

Burgers come in all shapes and sizes.

-Every one is unique. -Oh, boy.

Okay, which way do you think she went?

[tires squeal, loud crash]

My Cricket senses tell me, probably this way.

-[indistinct chattering] -[man] She came out of nowhere.

-[groaning] -Hey, pal, are you blind?

Watch where you're going.

Look what she just did. We got to stop her.

Hold on, brother.

What if we don't stop her?

What if we help her?

She's too prideful. She'd never let us help her.

Then we'll have to do it without her knowing.

I see what you're getting at. Devilishly clever.

[mumbling]

[man] Hey! Over here!

[whimpering]

Hm.

[grunting]

Oh!

[indistinct chattering]

Is this the latest edition of the Tuesday Gazette?

[all gasp]

I always check out the funnies first.

-What the...? -[all scream]

What kind of paper is this?

-I'm talking to you, young man. -[sobbing]

[grunting]

Hello? I'd like to speak to your manager, please.

Huh? Oh, there it is.

Time to get my burger on.

[Tilly whimpering]

-[both] Whew! -We did it.

Now we just got to get Gramma back home, and we're done.

Well, Greasy Gus, after all these years,

you still make the greasiest burger around.

Hey, it's all I know.

Would you believe the nerve of my family,

thinking I couldn't hack it on my own just because of a little eye surgery?

If they'd seen how well I've done today

even without my sight,

they'd be eating those words!

In fact, I think I could take on something

a little more exciting.

More exciting?

[people muttering]

Come on!

Uh... uh...

Oh, gosh, this is the worst.

Whoa, dude, your boots.

M-M-My boots? Are they offensive?

No, I love them.

Those are original Deerharts boots.

Oh, they are so vintage.

Oh, you have a good eye.

I've had these babies for the last 20 years.

The weathered look is so killer.

Dude, also, you need to tell me

where you got these pre-distressed jeans from.

Pre-distressed?

Uh, not sure what you're talking about,

but I wore all the holes you see through hard work.

-[all gasp] -What?

[excited chatter]

[chuckles] Gee.

[moaning softly]

Oh, man, where's she going now?

-Oh, that's trash, Gramma. -No, don't dig around in trash.

[grunts and laughs]

What the...?

Oof!

What is this place?

[Cricket] It looks like some kind of seedy hangout for old folks.

Maybe she came in here by accident.

Nah, I don't think so.

Guess who's back and ready

for a high-stakes game of darts.

[all] Alice!

Dang it, Gramma.

I'm here to take on the reigning champ.

-Huh? -[woman] Is that so?

Even when you could see me, you never could beat me at darts.

Laugh it up, Gertie. I'm going to make you regret

ever crossing paths with Alice Green.

Uh, Alice, over here?

With Alice Green!

Oh, no. How are we going to help Gramma with this?

Alice, listen, you don't have your sight,

you don't have any money.

So, no, thanks.

I don't need my eyes to beat you.

And as for my money...

[grunts]

...feast your eyes on this.

-[both] Huh? -[Gramma] It's limited edition.

Very valuable.

-[all] Aw! -Ooh, I want that.

That would complete my collection.

Gertie, I'm so sure I can beat you

that I'm willing to bet this little darling on it.

So, what do you say?

Hm. Add him to the pot.

All right, here's the rules.

First to get three bull's-eyes wins the pot.

Gramma will never be able to do that.

So, Alice, you're up.

And you take a knife and, well,

just start cutting chunks of wood off.

This is called "whittling."

-Oh, gee! -Cool.

Bill Green, as a gift,

we've made a very special burger just for you.

We call it the Bill.

A plain and normal burger!

This is just what my ma needs.

See you around.

There goes Bill Green.

What an absolute unit.

Whenever you're ready, Alice.

I wish I could see the look on your face when I mop the floor with you.

Highly unlikely, Gramma.

Get ready for a whupping. Hyah!

[all gasp]

-Incoming! -[all growl]

He's gotten so big.

[screams]

-Okay, she's doomed. -Cricket, do something.

-Pretty good, huh? -Loud distraction.

Loud distraction!

Cricket, what the heck is wrong with you?

Why'd you follow me to this seedy place?

Tilly would never have done that.

As much as I'd like to remain in your good graces, Gramma,

I'm here, too.

Are you kids spying on me?

No, Gramma, we're here to help you.

I've been doing my whole routine no problem.

Gramma, you've been able to do your routine

because we've been helping you from the shadows.

Bullpucky. I don't need any help.

Oh, really? Then hit the dartboard.

Let me show you how it's done.

-[both scream] -It's okay.

It's the fake one.

No it's not, Gramma.

Oh. Shoot.

Okay, maybe it is true you've been helping me all day.

I always thought that as I got older,

I could just grit my way through it, no matter the limitation.

Maybe I'm just not as invincible as I thought.

Well, everybody needs help sometimes.

Yeah, even superheroes need sidekicks.

But that doesn't mean you're not our Super Gramma.

[Gertie] Ahem!

There's a matter of our little wager.

Right, Gertie. Here's the deal.

Turns out my lucky streak was actually a streak

of having wonderful grandkids.

So why don't we just call it a draw.

No way, you old broad.

We agreed that best out of three wins the pot.

Well, in that case... yoink!

Go, go, go, go!

-[bone cracks] -Ah, my hip.

[sighs]

Here's your chamomile tea.

And I made you a "you got well" card,

since you won't be able to read it until you're better.

Thank you, Cricket. I look forward to seeing it.

Hey, Ma, sorry I'm late,

but I got your paper and your burger.

Thanks, son, but I'm good.

Why don't you go ahead and enjoy that burger yourself?

I don't mind if I do.

[chomps]

This is just pure kale.

Hipsters!

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got bit ♪

♪ By 100 flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big ol' tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch And scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by a dog ♪

♪ Licked by a frog ♪

♪ Got a rash on my leg ♪

♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters At seven and ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow I'll do it all again ♪