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♪ What you see right now ♪
2
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♪ Is a man in a pool of light ♪
3
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♪ Camera swings around ♪
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♪ You see he’s brownHe isn’t white ♪
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♪ You’re surprisedWho’s this Indian guy? ♪
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♪ He’s a Netflix Recommend ♪
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♪ Plain to see diversity ♪
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♪ Is policy ♪
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♪ Let me introduce myself ♪
10
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♪ Unless you’ve already left ♪
11
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♪ Which makes you a racist ♪
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♪ In the digital sense ♪
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♪ If you come down to India ♪
14
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♪ I’m a big deal ♪
15
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♪ Check out this stadium ♪
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♪ That I just filled with my family ♪
17
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♪ And now you’re feeling alienated’Cause you don’t anticipate ♪
18
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♪ That I can make you laugh ♪
19
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♪ You’ve never met an Indian blokeYou’ve never heard an Indian joke ♪
20
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♪ So will you understand? ♪
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♪ Fucking relax ♪
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♪ Let the camera track ♪
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♪ ’Cause as the cameraGoes around my back ♪
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♪ You see my show has another half, eh ♪
25
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♪ Now we’re in New York ♪
[audience cheering]
26
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♪ City ♪
27
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♪ In an American comedy club ♪
28
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♪ That’s kind of small and pretty ♪
29
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♪ I’ve traveled far ♪
30
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♪ ’Cause in your marketI’m just starting out ♪
31
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♪ I haven’t made it ♪
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♪ I have just downgraded ♪
33
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♪ To this American crowd ♪
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♪ Hey, hey, yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Yeah ♪
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♪ Yeah ♪
37
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♪ My bags are packed ♪
38
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♪ And I think it’s time ♪
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♪ To go ♪
40
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♪ So make some noise ♪
41
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♪ If you wanna start my show ♪
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[cheering]
43
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[cheering continues]
44
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Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Vir Das.
45
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Thank you so much for coming out
and being in my Netflix special.
46
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Thank you.
47
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[cheering]
48
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It is good to be in my hometown of Delhi,
ladies and gentlemen.
49
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I am a Delhi boy.
50
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This is my dream, ladies and gentlemen.
51
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Not the Netflix special
or, like, the stadium.
52
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I’ve just never had eight clocks.
53
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It’s nice, no?
54
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This is what it takes to get
a Delhi audience here on time, by the way.
55
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- Eight clocks.
- [cheering]
56
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,826
What is tonight about,
ladies and gentlemen?
57
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,812
Tonight is about things
that I don’t understand.
58
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That’s the whole show.
59
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And hopefully, at the end of the night,
we cannot understand that shit together.
60
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I have to tell you something.
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This show is going to be shot half here
and half in America.
62
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So at this point in the special,
in three seconds,
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we’re going to cut
to 200 clueless Americans
64
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sitting in a comedy club.
65
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And they’re waiting
to hear what we have to say.
66
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And I’m just hoping to God
that they understand.
67
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[speaking Hindi]
68
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[cheering]
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- [whistling]
- No English.
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[speaking Hindi]
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Two hours. No English. Only Hindi.
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[speaking Hindi]
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[chuckles]
74
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All the white people are like, “Oh, no.
75
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,625
It’s like that time we watched Narcos.”
76
00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:14,638
Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Vir Das.
77
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Thank you for coming tonight.
Are you feeling good, New York City?
78
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Are you feeling good, yes?
79
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[cheering]
80
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Listen. I have an announcement
before we start the show, all right?
81
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Let’s just get this out of the way.
I have an Indian accent.
82
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This is the next hour of your lives.
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This does not change. I’m not doing a bit.
84
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I’m not impersonating
a hilarious relative.
85
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There’s no fucking Apu
from The Simpsons joke coming up.
86
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,844
Tonight, for the first time in your life,
maybe the Indian accent
87
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can be a perspective, not a punch line.
88
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- Wouldn’t that be nice, yes?
- [cheering]
89
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But so give it time.
My accent will grow on you guys.
90
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Give it time, all right?
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Just give it four or five generations,
we’ll be fine.
92
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And it’s okay
to not understand each other.
93
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There are things about me
that you don’t understand, like my accent.
94
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There are things about you
that I do not understand, like your women.
95
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I don’t understand American women.
96
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I don’t understand
how you can resist this.
97
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Have you tried Indian yet, darling?
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- [woman] No.
- Oh, you must.
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Once you go brown,
the other colors let you down.
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[chuckles]
101
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There are two Mexicans in the back.
“Write this shit down, man.
102
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This shit applies to us too, ese.”
103
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No, I apologize. I don’t mean to insult,
like, Mexican people. I’m sorry.
104
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I’m just a comedian.
I’m not running for president.
105
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[audience laughs]
106
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Oh, come on.
We have to talk about this shit. We do.
107
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Are you okay, guys?
I’m so sorry. Are you okay?
108
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Fuck the Netflix show.
We’ll turn the cameras off.
109
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We’ll just hug each other for an hour.
Let’s do that.
110
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And believe me, as Indians, we understand.
111
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We understand.
112
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We have both,
in a very poetic coincidence,
113
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elected very large, very popular,
very scary,
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very orange leadership
to run our countries.
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Do you like our new prime minister, yes?
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- [cheering]
- So do I.
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Like, not everything is Modi’s fault.
118
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You can’t blame Modi for everything.
It’s a parliamentary system.
119
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Plus, to blame the prime minister,
he kind of has to be here.
120
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And this is what I like
about the American presidential system.
121
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At least you always know
where the president is. Right?
122
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He is in the White House,
and you know that house
123
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because you have seen it blow up
in ten different movies.
124
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This is the other thing, like,
with American movies.
125
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They keep blowing up their White House.
Have you noticed this?
126
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It’s very cathartic.
127
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Like, aliens blew up the White House.
Gerard Butler blew up the White House.
128
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Donald Trump will blow up the White House.
129
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[audience cheering]
130
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But you never see that
in, like, Indian movies, right?
131
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:09,054
You never see an alien hover over Delhi
and just blow up the Lok Sabha.
132
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’Cause Indians wouldn’t believe that shit.
133
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Be like, “What a stupid alien.
134
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It’s parliament. There’s nobody in there.
135
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It’s Monday.”
136
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:26,738
But they get a cool address in America.
They get the White House, man.
137
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What is Modi’s address?
138
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Who knows where Modi lives,
139
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apart from the hearts of Hindus
and memories of Muslims?
140
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Huh? Who knows? I’m just saying.
141
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[cheers, applause]
142
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But they do that shit in their movies.
143
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I remember watching an American film
called Air Force One.
144
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- Do you remember that movie, guys?
- [applause]
145
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They hijacked the president
of the United States’s plane.
146
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You can’t do that shit to Modi.
He flies Air India.
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Do you know how hard it is
to hijack an Air India plane?
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“All right,
everybody get down on the floor.”
149
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“Uh, excuse me, sir.” “Shut up.
150
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:02,774
Okay, put your hands up in the air.”
151
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:04,943
“Uh, excuse me, sir.” “Shut up.
152
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,463
This plane belongs to the Caliphate
of the Brotherhood of the... ”
153
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,906
“Excuse me, sir.” “What?”
154
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,616
“Sir, veg or non-veg?”
155
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,999
“Are you serious?
I’m trying to take hostages.”
156
00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:21,918
“Sir, we don’t have that.
We have chicken tikka or palak paneer.”
157
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[stammering] “Fine. Veg. All right?”
158
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“Sir, we are out of veg.”
159
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“Then why did you...?
160
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Stop crowding the aisle, all right?
Lose some weight, would you? Get out.
161
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,015
Okay, who is the pilot of the plane?”
162
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“Sir, I am the pilot of the plane.”
163
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“Okay,
you are going to call your government
164
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,062
and tell them not to expect
your prime minister tomorrow.”
165
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“Sir, they are not expecting him tomorrow.
166
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They never know when to expect him, sir.”
167
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“How can they not know when to expect him?
He’s a prime minister, not a monsoon.”
168
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“Sir, frutti?”
169
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“Bitch, I will behead you
and shoot your beheaded head.
170
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Okay, where is the prime minister?”
171
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,251
“Sir, he’s in economy.”
172
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“Don’t lie to me.”
173
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:08,923
“No, sir, in Air India,
the first-class seats don’t recline.
174
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:11,593
But if you get three economy seats,
it becomes a flat bed.
175
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:12,886
It’s very comfortable, sir.”
176
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:18,600
But I don’t mean to insult my country,
ladies and gentlemen.
177
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- I am a patriotic Indian. Are you, yes?
- [audience] Yes!
178
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My patriotism is based
on a very simple fact:
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that this country is where I live.
180
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That’s it.
181
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:33,031
I live in India. I am proud of India.
182
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:37,410
If I lived in Estonia,
I would be proud of Estonia.
183
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:41,247
If I lived in Zimbabwe,
I would move to Estonia.
184
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,337
There is no middle ground
in India anymore.
185
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,381
We all have to align ourselves.
You’re left wing or right wing.
186
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,135
Left wing or right wing.
187
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,554
It’s like you think India is a bird.
188
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India’s not a bird. Birds are free.
189
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[applause]
190
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,898
India is a goldfish, ladies and gentlemen.
191
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,942
It’s a really good goldfish,
but it’s a goldfish.
192
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,361
We have a memory of 15 seconds.
193
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,529
This is India.
194
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:15,240
“I’m India. I live in a bowl.
195
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:16,741
I love my bowl.
196
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:19,869
I want nothing more
than what is in my bowl.
197
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,372
But look. The bowl is made of glass.
198
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,833
There’s another world outside the bowl,
199
00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:27,961
a world with different cultures,
different ideologies, different beliefs,
200
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,587
different sexual orientations.
201
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:32,590
I must learn. I must embrace. I must...
202
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:35,802
I’m India. I live in a bowl.
203
00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:39,180
I want nothing more
than what is in my bowl.”
204
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,809
But don’t worry.
I think there’s a bright side.
205
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:46,354
The way I see this whole thing working out
for you guys is you’re like a girl.
206
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:49,190
You know what I mean?
And you were in a relationship
207
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,692
with a guy for about seven years.
208
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,111
Barack was a good guy,
but it didn’t work out.
209
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:54,779
And you broke up.
210
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:58,700
And then you met this older guy, Bernie,
but he was too geeky for you,
211
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,368
but he had good ideas.
212
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:02,513
And then you were, like,
in a long-distance relationship
213
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:03,997
with this chick called Hillary,
214
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,708
but everything was on e-mail
and you didn’t like that shit.
215
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:11,337
And eventually,
your parents forced you to marry a boy.
216
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:15,425
This is your arranged marriage,
ladies and gentlemen.
217
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:19,012
In the most literal sense,
your parents picked this guy for you,
218
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,097
’cause you didn’t vote for him.
219
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,600
[scattered laughter, applause]
220
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,813
Look at the sad Indians clapping.
221
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,504
But I don’t think
it’s going to change that much.
222
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,488
I think it’ll just...
It’ll be a temporary thing,
223
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:41,743
but it’ll redefine
what American patriotism is for a while.
224
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:44,621
’Cause your patriotism,
it should be very open, very accepting.
225
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:49,667
It was like, “Man, welcome to America,
land of the free, home of the brave.
226
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:53,212
Give us your tired, your poor,
your huddled, your jet-lagged,
227
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:54,464
your peckish, whatever.”
228
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,840
It was everybody.
229
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,610
And now it’s just going
to change for a while.
230
00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:59,761
It’ll just be like, “America. We’ll see.”
231
00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,741
I want to leave you with a bright side.
232
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,017
Even this huge orange cloud
has a silver lining.
233
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,560
All right? Now, this is it.
234
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:10,021
I genuinely think this will cut down
on terrorism. I do.
235
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:14,359
It will cut down on terrorism,
because, honestly, what’s the point?
236
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,075
“We must bomb America.”
237
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,660
“Well, why should we bomb America?”
238
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,537
“To leave them in a state of despair,
hopelessness and collapse.”
239
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,674
“They beat us to it.
240
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,468
Seems a bit redundant.”
241
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:42,804
But this is a scary man.
242
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:45,390
We saw him on TV every day.
“We’ve got to ban the ‘Muh-slims.’
243
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:48,059
Kick out the ‘Muh-slims.’
Ban the ‘Muh-slims.’
244
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,770
Throw out all the ‘Muh-slims.’
No ‘Muh-slims.’”
245
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:55,441
And the entire world is watching that
going, “It’s Muslim, you son of a bitch.
246
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,739
Learn how to pronounce it
before you ban it, would you?
247
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:05,201
Muslim is a religious belief.
Muslin is a fabric.
248
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,998
What, are you going
to ban stretchy clothes, you moron?”
249
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:15,670
I understand religious phobia,
ladies and gentlemen.
250
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:18,631
Do you believe we live in a world,
in an atmosphere of religious phobia?
251
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,383
- Yes or no.
- [audience] Yeah!
252
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:23,136
Do you believe that 99 percent
of that phobia is irrational?
253
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,721
- Yes or no.
- [audience] Yeah!
254
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,056
Do you believe that religion
is the problem?
255
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,766
- [audience] Yeah!
- I don’t.
256
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,351
Religion is good at its heart.
257
00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:32,235
Right, ladies and gentlemen?
It’s always good.
258
00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:34,355
What is a religion? It’s five don’ts.
259
00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:36,733
Five things you shouldn’t do,
they wrote it down.
260
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:37,942
Four of them make sense.
261
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,236
The fifth one they added
just to fuck with you.
262
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:42,822
Just to see if you’re paying attention.
263
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,492
That’s a religion. Don’t lie. Don’t cheat.
Don’t kill. Don’t fuck.
264
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,953
Don’t eat non-veg on Tuesdays.
265
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:51,622
[cheering]
266
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,170
Don’t wear panties on Sunday night.
That’s a religion.
267
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,690
Ladies, it’s a religion. Take them off.
I swear to God.
268
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,382
We’ll go to heaven together.
269
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,009
Come on.
270
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,197
Like, to me, the problem is not religion.
271
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,015
It’s religious text, ladies and gentlemen.
272
00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:12,060
Think about what you’re reading.
The Quran, the Gita, the Holy Bible.
273
00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:15,438
You are reading
some ancient dude’s written version
274
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:19,400
of what he heard some really magical dude
he has never met
275
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:22,904
said to some other really magical dude
he has never met
276
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,907
said to some human dude he has never met.
277
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,992
There are no facts.
There are no verification.
278
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,369
They just printed that shit.
279
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:32,872
You are reading the 3,000-year-old
Times of India, ladies and gentlemen.
280
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,035
That’s what you’re reading.
281
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:41,339
And people said crazy shit back then
all the time.
282
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,299
People used to say things like,
283
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:47,053
“He who questions the authority of God
shall open the chasm of death,
284
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:50,473
as the blood of the infidel
shall spill into the ocean of locusts,
285
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,768
and the arrows of the meek
shall ascend into the kingdom of heaven
286
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:55,686
in the paradise of stolen butter.”
287
00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:58,648
Fuck. That was a sentence back then,
ladies and gentlemen.
288
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:03,319
Because people back then
were high as balls, okay?
289
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:08,408
It wasn’t drugs. There was just
so much good oxygen in the atmosphere.
290
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:13,037
And all the shit that was said back then
made complete sense for back then.
291
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,121
It did.
292
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:17,083
Like, Islam has a saying,
“A thief must have his arm cut off.”
293
00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:18,751
- Have you heard of that, yes?
- Yeah!
294
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:21,045
Now, it made sense
for back when it was written,
295
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:24,340
because back then,
there was no good way to identify a thief.
296
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,720
So it was a system.
297
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:32,849
You saw a one-handed dude,
you were like, “Fucking thief.”
298
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:37,103
Nowadays, there are databases
full of thieves, right?
299
00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,564
You know where all the thieves
in your neighborhood live
300
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:42,358
because once a year, they come over
and ask you to vote for them.
301
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,068
So you know who they are.
302
00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:45,903
You know where they live.
303
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,534
Or like Christianity has a saying.
304
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:54,245
“Don’t have premarital sex.”
Have you heard of that, yes?
305
00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:57,039
Now, it made sense
for back when it was written,
306
00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:59,750
because back then,
people got married at 12.
307
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,630
So it’s pretty good advice.
308
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,968
“Hey, don’t try and fuck someone
when you’re eight and a half.
309
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,513
You may not make a very good impression.
310
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,515
Learn to write the letter ‘G’
311
00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:17,143
before you look for the spot
that is associated with it.”
312
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,148
We need to update
the religious texts of the world.
313
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,293
Do you agree with me,
ladies and gentlemen? Yes or no.
314
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,903
- [audience] Yes!
- Good. So I have a plan.
315
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:31,616
We shall take all major religions
and just give them to the company Apple.
316
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:36,162
Every six months, Apple can update
and relaunch the religion to the world.
317
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,498
How nice would that be?
That’s what we need.
318
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:41,209
We need Islam 6s, ladies and gentlemen.
319
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,586
We need Jesus Pro.
320
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,339
We need the GitaBook Air.
321
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:48,549
If nothing else,
you’ll cut down on fanaticism.
322
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:49,842
You’d slow it down.
323
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:52,553
Can you imagine
how much we would cut down on fanaticism
324
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,889
if every time you wanted
to commit a jihad...
325
00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,353
you first had to sign
a new online agreement with Apple?
326
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,564
Suppose you had to get a jihad ID?
327
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:08,402
Then you had to sync all your bombs
and your devices to the same jihad ID.
328
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:11,822
Except that one bomb didn’t work
with the old version of iTunes,
329
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:14,784
so now you have to download
the new version of iTunes.
330
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,829
And then you’re all set to go up to heaven
and get your 72 virgins,
331
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:23,251
but your iCloud only holds six virgins,
and now you have to upgrade.
332
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:29,637
You know what my favorite part
of that joke is?
333
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:33,052
It’s just Android users going,
“What the fuck is he talking about?
334
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,932
What cloud? There’s a cloud?
You have a cloud?
335
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,686
My Samsung explodes, then there’s a cloud.
Is that a cloud? I don’t know.”
336
00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:50,361
And anyone being Islamophobic
in today’s world
337
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:53,364
needs to take a long, hard look
at their own religious history.
338
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:55,616
Let’s talk about it, huh?
339
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,700
♪ If you’re Hindu and you know itClap your hands ♪
340
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:58,786
[audience clapping]
341
00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:00,955
♪ If you’re Hindu and you know itClap your hands ♪
342
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,351
♪ If you’re Hindu and you know itThen you really want to show it ♪
343
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:07,628
♪ Join the government and implementSubliminally fascist policies ♪
344
00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:09,171
♪ Hey ♪
345
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,800
Hey, Hindus, remember sati?
346
00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:18,889
Yeah, we did that shit for 2,000 years.
347
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:23,561
Remember when a woman’s husband would die
and we would cremate him, just not alone.
348
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,648
So the entire village
would gather around the wife.
349
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:31,277
“Sushma, I’m so sorry.
350
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:36,073
It’s just terrible what happens.
351
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:38,826
[exhales]
352
00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,288
Whenever you’re ready.”
353
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,333
“What?”
354
00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:48,628
“No, take your time. Sing a song.
Take a breath. Whatever you need.
355
00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:51,297
But eventually, just mosey on in there.”
356
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,675
“In the fire?”
357
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,218
“Yeah.”
358
00:18:57,386 --> 00:19:00,556
- “Why do I have to go in the fire?”
- “B-B-B-Because he’s going to heaven.”
359
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,767
“Why can’t he go alone?”
360
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,685
“It’s no stag entry.”
361
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,625
But I’m a bad Hindu, ladies and gentlemen,
362
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,859
’cause I’ve kind of been unfaithful
with Christianity.
363
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,799
And I don’t think I’m alone.
Come on, Hindus. Raise your hands.
364
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,968
Let me see, people. Raise your hands.
Come on. Raise your hands.
365
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,328
Now, keep your hands raised
366
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:25,748
if you, as Hindu people in New York,
have celebrated Christmas.
367
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:29,418
See, we’re going to hell together,
all of us.
368
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,356
But it wasn’t religious. You just wanted
the fucking trees and the shopping, right?
369
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:33,540
That’s why you did that shit.
370
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:38,469
’Cause Christmas is this amazing,
confusing, exhilarating festival, right?
371
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:41,389
Especially for Hindus in New York.
There’s snow everywhere.
372
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,992
We don’t know whether to play with it
or just stand there
373
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,726
and ask for an independent Kashmir.
374
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,502
Christmas is all about the trees,
ladies and gentlemen.
375
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,112
The trees overtook Christianity
a long time ago.
376
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,781
Jesus would come back from the dead today,
on Christmas Eve,
377
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:02,118
the only person at JFK to receive him
would be one Hindu cabdriver.
378
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,788
“I’m Jesus, Son of the Lord.
379
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,416
I have returned. Take me to my people.”
380
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:10,167
Hindu cabdriver. [laughs]
381
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,002
“Mr. Jesus, you come here, please.
382
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,840
See, I’m very sorry, Jesus.
383
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,552
Your people are all with the trees.”
384
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:24,181
“What do you mean, trees?
That’s ridiculous. I’m the Son of God.”
385
00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:26,308
“Yeah, you know, it’s kind of ironic,
Jesus.
386
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,730
Second time in your life
you are defeated by a piece of wood.”
387
00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,565
[audience] Ooh!
388
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:37,445
Yeah, but ten minutes of Muslim jokes
were okay with you guys, huh?
389
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:43,743
[chuckles]
390
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,084
But it’s good to be here,
ladies and gentlemen.
391
00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:49,957
The best part of my job is I get
to travel and perform for people
392
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,460
who I don’t understand
and they don’t understand me.
393
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:54,420
Clearly.
394
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,465
And we work that shit out.
395
00:20:57,548 --> 00:21:00,885
Like, my whole life has been
a long journey of travel.
396
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:05,097
Let me tell you a little bit about myself.
I grew up in Lagos, Nigeria, in Africa.
397
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:09,226
I then went to school
in Delhi Public School, NOIDA.
398
00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:13,856
I then went to college
in Galesburg, Illinois, in the Midwest,
399
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,025
and I finally settled down in Bollywood.
400
00:21:17,485 --> 00:21:20,488
It’s been a long journey
towards fairer skin.
401
00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:22,490
[laughter]
402
00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:24,492
[applause]
403
00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:29,371
But I wanted to come to America.
This was my big dream.
404
00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:32,541
The first time I landed in New York City,
I was 18 years old.
405
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:36,462
As the sun rose
over the Manhattan skyline, I wept.
406
00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:40,549
And it had nothing to do
with America or the American dream.
407
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:42,218
I had breakfast.
408
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,262
’Cause I grew up in a world of cornflakes,
guys.
409
00:21:45,346 --> 00:21:48,140
Imagine a universe of endless cornflakes.
410
00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:52,061
And not even real cornflakes.
That dirty Mohan Meakin’s bullshit.
411
00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:55,356
Ostrich feces cornflakes.
412
00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,485
[chuckles] And then I landed
in New York City,
413
00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:02,404
and somebody gave me
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
414
00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,406
[audience] Whoo!
415
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,912
And I... It fucked with my head.
416
00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:14,542
’Cause my brain knew
that what I was eating was not cinnamon...
417
00:22:15,376 --> 00:22:18,003
or toast or crunch.
418
00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:20,881
But my heart believed,
ladies and gentlemen.
419
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:25,135
’Cause what was cereal originally?
It was just a way to get milk into kids.
420
00:22:25,219 --> 00:22:27,680
Right? Make milk interesting for kids.
421
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:31,100
What God did with tits,
America did with breakfast cereal.
422
00:22:33,811 --> 00:22:35,729
The best version of that transaction.
423
00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:40,067
You don’t appreciate your American luxury.
424
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:43,237
I went to your supermarket the other day.
You have an aisle for cereal.
425
00:22:44,822 --> 00:22:46,865
An aisle for cereal.
426
00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:48,951
There are countries with apartheid still.
427
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:50,202
You have an aisle.
428
00:22:50,953 --> 00:22:52,830
It is 60 feet by ten feet.
429
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:56,000
That’s 600...
In Bombay, that’s a school, okay?
430
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:02,923
In Africa, that’s a university,
ladies and gentlemen.
431
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:06,927
And your food looks so good. Man.
432
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:09,555
I saw an ad for french fries
on TV the other day.
433
00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:11,181
Fucking should have won an Oscar.
434
00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:14,445
I don’t know why it didn’t.
Maybe a black guy made it. I’m not sure.
435
00:23:15,686 --> 00:23:17,646
- [chuckles]
- [applause]
436
00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:19,607
Thank you, racists.
437
00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:22,443
It was cinematic...
438
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:26,822
There was a golden sunset
and a philharmonic orchestra.
439
00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:32,077
And the fries fell down in slow motion,
with, like, CGI sprinkles of salt.
440
00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,163
And then there was a chick in a bikini,
441
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:37,207
and the fries rappelled down
the side of the tittie really slowly.
442
00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:40,794
And I was just watching that going,
“Oh, gods, gods, gods!”
443
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,505
Potato.
444
00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:46,300
Potato!
445
00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:47,885
Potato.
446
00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:52,139
I shouldn’t have done that shit.
447
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:57,436
- [applause]
- [man] Whoo!
448
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:00,814
I just fucked myself.
449
00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:03,668
I’m going to do legitimately
intelligent material tonight.
450
00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:06,236
Your only takeaway is going to be...
potato!
451
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,615
[chuckles] “How was the Vir Das show?”
452
00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:10,949
Potato.
453
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:19,583
But it was an erotic experience.
Chick in bikini. There was sex with food.
454
00:24:19,667 --> 00:24:21,919
You can’t do that shit with Indian food.
455
00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:26,799
Just get a naked chick
and drop hot dal all over her.
456
00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:28,175
“Aah!”
457
00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:30,844
[chuckles]
458
00:24:30,928 --> 00:24:34,139
But let’s talk about this. Indian food.
Clap your hands if you agree.
459
00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:37,351
- Tastiest food on the planet.
- [applause]
460
00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:42,356
Not the best-looking cuisine
on the planet.
461
00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:46,318
Indian cuisine all looks like you
digested some other cuisine.
462
00:24:49,071 --> 00:24:52,449
Saag paneer for dinner
looks like you had Greek salad for lunch.
463
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:55,994
Yeah, close your eyes. Really picture it.
464
00:24:57,663 --> 00:24:59,641
Indian food is not visual food,
ladies and gentlemen.
465
00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:02,126
Like, I watch MasterChef Australia.
466
00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:04,086
That is visual food, right?
467
00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:07,172
“Oh, I love what you’ve done
with the plating and the arrangement.
468
00:25:07,256 --> 00:25:08,924
It’s amazing.”
469
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:11,635
You show those three dudes
a bowl of baingan ka bharta,
470
00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:13,178
they would lose their mind.
471
00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:15,806
“Oh, fuck.
472
00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:18,684
Was it in pain before it died?”
473
00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:21,437
[applause]
474
00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:26,608
“Can we make people look at this
as a punishment for petty crimes?”
475
00:25:28,277 --> 00:25:32,072
Like, Indian food is not visual food.
It is audible food, ladies and gentlemen.
476
00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:34,616
Like,
if you walked past an Indian restaurant
477
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:37,035
and there was beautiful pictures of food,
478
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,681
you would not go into that restaurant,
would you, ladies and gentlemen?
479
00:25:39,705 --> 00:25:40,706
You wouldn’t.
480
00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:43,041
But if the door opened
and you heard somebody say...
481
00:25:43,125 --> 00:25:45,878
[speaking Hindi]
482
00:25:47,504 --> 00:25:49,173
you would order everything on the menu.
483
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:51,592
[audience cheering]
484
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:54,261
Also, Indian food is romantic food.
485
00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:57,144
There’s nothing romantic about sitting
with somebody and having dinner.
486
00:25:57,181 --> 00:25:59,141
[grunting]
487
00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:01,935
But if you can spend your life
with somebody who’s just...
488
00:26:02,019 --> 00:26:05,272
[slurping] Ahh!
489
00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:08,150
That is true love, ladies and gentlemen.
490
00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:13,864
This is why I believe you could never have
an Indian Bond villain.
491
00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,451
’Cause Bond villains
are always eating or drinking something
492
00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:19,995
while they say some genuinely badass shit.
493
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:23,081
“Greetings, Mr. Bond.
494
00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:25,083
You should not have come here today.
495
00:26:25,167 --> 00:26:26,877
Tonight you die.”
496
00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:29,755
“Bonsoir, Monsieur Bond.
497
00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:31,632
We have been expecting you.
498
00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:33,342
Tonight you die.”
499
00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:35,427
Indian food. “Yeah, hello, Bond.
500
00:26:36,804 --> 00:26:38,055
See, you should...
501
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,015
You should not...
502
00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:42,768
Fuck it. Eat this vindaloo. You’ll die.”
503
00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:46,647
Plus, Bond knows how to fire a gun.
504
00:26:48,649 --> 00:26:51,318
Indians are not good with guns.
That’s why I respect your country.
505
00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:54,571
You take entire control
of the gun manufacturing process.
506
00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:57,950
You manufacture the gun,
the bullet, the victim, all in house.
507
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:03,038
Like, in India, we don’t have guns,
so we don’t have gun violence.
508
00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:04,414
Right, guys?
509
00:27:04,498 --> 00:27:07,668
You couldn’t have typical
American gun shootings in India.
510
00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:11,964
You couldn’t. Because firstly, in India,
you would never find the gay nightclub.
511
00:27:14,383 --> 00:27:16,426
Because it’s a WhatsApp group.
512
00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:20,722
Followed by, like, tea at Raju’s house.
513
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:24,852
Or, like, you couldn’t shoot Indians
sitting in a cinema. You couldn’t.
514
00:27:24,935 --> 00:27:28,605
’Cause Indians don’t sit still
during a Bollywood movie, do we?
515
00:27:28,689 --> 00:27:32,401
You know how hard it is to shoot
somebody going...? [singing in Hindu]
516
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,403
♪ Heh heh heh heh ♪
517
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:43,161
So you have the guns.
518
00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:45,581
And you’re not going
to get rid of the guns.
519
00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:49,626
But can you at least change the guns?
Or put your own technology into guns.
520
00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:52,921
America, you invented the iPhone.
Well done.
521
00:27:53,005 --> 00:27:55,048
That has Siri. Well done.
522
00:27:55,132 --> 00:27:58,427
It doesn’t understand my accent.
What the fuck? So...
523
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:02,472
Use that shit. Siri for guns.
524
00:28:03,223 --> 00:28:05,893
You should have to convince the gun
to let you shoot the gun.
525
00:28:06,894 --> 00:28:09,146
Can you imagine a terrorist? “Siri!”
526
00:28:09,897 --> 00:28:11,356
“How can I help you?”
527
00:28:12,441 --> 00:28:13,942
“I want to kill the infidel!”
528
00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:17,154
“It sounded like you said
you want to sing ‘Jingle Bells.’”
529
00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:19,907
♪ Jingle bells ♪
530
00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:24,828
’Cause guns are an audible experience
as well, ladies and gentlemen.
531
00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:27,372
A sound happens over here.
Something happens over there.
532
00:28:27,456 --> 00:28:31,043
The first time I realized this,
I saw an American cowboy movie.
533
00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:33,837
It’s called The Good, the Bad, the Ugly.
Do you remember that, yes?
534
00:28:33,921 --> 00:28:36,757
’Cause they gave the cowboys
such good sound effects, right?
535
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:41,470
He used to walk in...
[imitating boots walking]
536
00:28:42,471 --> 00:28:43,764
[whooshing]
537
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,099
[imitates gunshot]
538
00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:48,518
[exhales]
539
00:28:49,937 --> 00:28:52,272
You couldn’t give an Indian person
those sound effects.
540
00:28:52,356 --> 00:28:54,191
We get too excited. We’d fuck around.
541
00:28:57,861 --> 00:28:59,154
[imitates boots walking]
542
00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:06,912
[imitates boots walking]
543
00:29:16,338 --> 00:29:19,258
[beat boxing]
544
00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:22,177
We’re not violent people.
545
00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:24,781
This is why you don’t have
Indian terrorists, ladies and gentlemen.
546
00:29:24,805 --> 00:29:27,975
Indians... We would never put a bomb
in a building, would we, guys?
547
00:29:28,058 --> 00:29:30,477
That’s not our style.
That is cruel. That is violent.
548
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,562
But more than that, it is inefficient.
549
00:29:34,064 --> 00:29:37,109
We would put an accountant
in the building, buy the building,
550
00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:40,821
make sure there’s real estate investments
all around that building, wait ten years
551
00:29:40,904 --> 00:29:43,532
and sell the property back to you
at an 80 percent escalation.
552
00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:45,909
That is Indian terrorism.
553
00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:51,915
Our business practices are our terrorism.
554
00:29:56,086 --> 00:29:57,879
Speaking of terrorism,
ladies and gentlemen,
555
00:29:57,963 --> 00:30:00,507
I think I’m ready to be a father.
556
00:30:02,676 --> 00:30:04,052
[man] Whoo!
557
00:30:04,136 --> 00:30:05,989
’Cause I’ve stopped worrying
about little things
558
00:30:06,013 --> 00:30:08,473
like proper segues between routines.
559
00:30:08,557 --> 00:30:11,560
[scattered laughter]
560
00:30:12,561 --> 00:30:14,146
Thank you, three people.
561
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,399
No, I want to have a child,
ladies and gentlemen,
562
00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:19,401
because, firstly, I know how to make them.
563
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:23,655
Fuck it. I make kids like I make Maggi.
Two minutes. Nobody’s satisfied.
564
00:30:23,739 --> 00:30:25,907
That’s what I’m talking about.
565
00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:28,785
But I’m at that age
566
00:30:28,869 --> 00:30:33,373
where I just find myself
staring at children and having desires.
567
00:30:33,457 --> 00:30:35,000
[laughing]
568
00:30:35,083 --> 00:30:36,626
[man] Ohh!
569
00:30:36,710 --> 00:30:38,295
Oh, shut up, all right?
570
00:30:40,714 --> 00:30:45,010
I’m going to tell you this story.
I was in Bombay and I had a car accident.
571
00:30:45,093 --> 00:30:49,014
And that’s the day I knew
I was ready to be a dad. Right?
572
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:51,892
I was in my Range Rover.
We are at a speed breaker, stationary.
573
00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:54,519
All of a sudden, I hear...
[imitating honking, thuds]
574
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:58,607
I get out on the passenger side,
and I see a circle of people
575
00:30:58,690 --> 00:31:01,443
gathered around a scooter, two-wheeler,
that had skidded,
576
00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:05,864
a boy who is on the floor weeping
and a girl who is in shock bleeding.
577
00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:08,992
So I grab this boy, and I’m like,
“What the hell happened?”
578
00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:12,329
“Sir, I was teaching her to drive
the scooter, and it was the monsoon.
579
00:31:12,412 --> 00:31:14,539
She didn’t know how to drive.
We hit a lamppost.
580
00:31:14,623 --> 00:31:17,250
Kept skidding for ten feet
until we hit your car.”
581
00:31:18,001 --> 00:31:22,381
And right then, I experienced
my first ever two paternal emotions.
582
00:31:22,964 --> 00:31:27,302
“Number one, I have to save this girl.
I must save this girl.”
583
00:31:27,386 --> 00:31:29,638
But far more paternal than that...
584
00:31:30,347 --> 00:31:32,349
I want to kill this boy.
585
00:31:34,226 --> 00:31:37,229
Who teaches a girl to drive a scooter
in the middle of the monsoons?
586
00:31:37,312 --> 00:31:38,939
I’m going to kill this boy.
587
00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:41,149
I pick up the girl,
put her in the Range Rover.
588
00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:43,044
I’m trying to get the boy up,
but he’s still weeping.
589
00:31:43,068 --> 00:31:45,028
I’m like,
“I’ll kill him in the Range Rover.
590
00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:47,489
I have money. We’ll reupholster.”
591
00:31:48,407 --> 00:31:50,909
We then get to the hospital.
We spend about 7,000 rupees.
592
00:31:50,992 --> 00:31:53,221
Get her into the emergency room.
The girl’s going to be okay.
593
00:31:53,245 --> 00:31:55,664
The boy is still crying.
I’m like, “You know what?
594
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:58,583
Now we’re in the perfect atmosphere
for me to kill this boy.
595
00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:01,169
We are in a hospital.
There is a morgue downstairs.
596
00:32:01,253 --> 00:32:02,504
Somebody will write a report.
597
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:05,173
I probably already have
a bogus hit-and-run case against me.
598
00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:07,509
Fuck it. Double or nothing.
Murder. Let’s go.”
599
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:10,595
I grabbed this boy,
who’s taller than me for some reason.
600
00:32:11,888 --> 00:32:14,015
I say,
“Now give me her father’s phone number
601
00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:16,327
because we have to tell the family
there’s been an accident.”
602
00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:18,103
He’s like, “Sir, I can’t do that.”
603
00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:19,855
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
604
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:23,233
♪ I’m going to kill this boyI’m going to kill this boy ♪
605
00:32:23,316 --> 00:32:26,111
He’s like, “Sir, you don’t understand.
She’s a Hindu.”
606
00:32:27,362 --> 00:32:28,947
“No, you don’t understand.
607
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:31,783
She’s not a Hindu.
She’s a banged-up Hindu.
608
00:32:31,867 --> 00:32:33,535
Are you familiar with the concept? No?
609
00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:36,746
Eat a cheeseburger in Maharashtra,
and you’ll find out what that shit is.”
610
00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:39,875
He’s like, “No, sir, you don’t understand.
611
00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:41,042
I’m a Muslim.
612
00:32:42,711 --> 00:32:44,254
Her father doesn’t know.
613
00:32:45,172 --> 00:32:47,257
If he finds out she is with a Muslim boy,
614
00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:49,801
he will never let her out
of the house again.
615
00:32:49,885 --> 00:32:51,595
Please call the mother. She knows.”
616
00:32:55,765 --> 00:32:58,143
“Fuck you, man! Fuck you!
617
00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:00,729
I was this close to killing you, bro.
This close.
618
00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:03,190
I’m in an action zone right now.
619
00:33:03,273 --> 00:33:04,858
I am in Die Hard 4.
620
00:33:04,941 --> 00:33:07,777
You’re coming at me with the plot
of Saudagar. Fuck you, dude.”
621
00:33:11,740 --> 00:33:16,036
And as I drove home, ladies and gentlemen,
just covered in blood...
622
00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:19,581
I knew I was ready to be a dad.
623
00:33:20,290 --> 00:33:23,168
Not because I applied first aid,
624
00:33:23,251 --> 00:33:26,671
because I got to the hospital,
because I saved the girl.
625
00:33:27,506 --> 00:33:32,344
I know I’m ready to be a dad
because I didn’t kill the boy.
626
00:33:33,261 --> 00:33:35,472
[applause]
627
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,684
And I think that’s what being a parent is.
628
00:33:40,352 --> 00:33:44,689
It’s resisting the urge to commit murder
every single morning.
629
00:33:49,694 --> 00:33:51,655
Is that too emotional?
630
00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:54,574
Okay, fuck it. Let’s talk about things
people aren’t emotional about.
631
00:33:54,658 --> 00:33:57,953
[inhales] Racism. Let’s do that shit, huh?
Come on.
632
00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,080
♪ If you’re racist and you know itClap your hands ♪
633
00:34:00,163 --> 00:34:01,873
- [clapping]
- What the fuck, bro?
634
00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:03,500
[audience laughs]
635
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:05,001
What the hell?
636
00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:09,923
Was that...?
637
00:34:10,006 --> 00:34:11,716
I don’t even...
638
00:34:14,302 --> 00:34:16,680
We know who you voted for. All right.
639
00:34:18,598 --> 00:34:21,619
You know what’s weird? Two people clapped.
One of them is brown. One is white.
640
00:34:21,643 --> 00:34:23,270
How did that work?
641
00:34:24,312 --> 00:34:26,481
It’ll be cool
if they looked at each other. Like...
642
00:34:29,568 --> 00:34:32,028
Now, I understand racism,
ladies and gentlemen.
643
00:34:32,112 --> 00:34:35,282
Indian people, we spend our lives
claiming that we’re victims of racism.
644
00:34:35,365 --> 00:34:38,410
Don’t we?
But yet, all Indians back home...
645
00:34:39,369 --> 00:34:40,453
[man] Very racist.
646
00:34:40,537 --> 00:34:42,247
Pretty fucking racist, right?
647
00:34:42,330 --> 00:34:45,208
But it’s this strange
dichotomous failed racism
648
00:34:45,292 --> 00:34:48,169
mixed with, like,
feudalism and servitude and curry.
649
00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:52,299
Like if a beautiful American girl,
blonde hair, blue eyes,
650
00:34:52,382 --> 00:34:54,634
comes down to Delhi
and is walking down the road
651
00:34:54,718 --> 00:34:56,678
because she’s insane...
652
00:35:01,516 --> 00:35:05,270
within two minutes, there will be
two fat, balding, paunchy Indian men
653
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:08,064
across the road looking at her,
like, “Madam!
654
00:35:08,898 --> 00:35:10,567
Hello, madam!
655
00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:11,651
[kisses]
656
00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:13,403
Madam!”
657
00:35:14,738 --> 00:35:17,198
And think about the dichotomy
of that racism.
658
00:35:17,282 --> 00:35:20,660
While they are creeping her the fuck out,
they are still calling her “madam.”
659
00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:24,372
There is respect there.
660
00:35:28,293 --> 00:35:32,047
And look, like most Eastern cultures,
our version of racism...
661
00:35:33,715 --> 00:35:37,135
is what we adapted
from what was taught to us.
662
00:35:40,347 --> 00:35:43,058
By the British. I’m sorry. It’s true.
663
00:35:43,141 --> 00:35:45,578
Britain kind of invented this shit.
Didn’t they, ladies and gentlemen?
664
00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:47,270
’Cause they ruled the entire world.
665
00:35:47,354 --> 00:35:50,815
This isn’t the first Brexit to happen
in history, ladies and gentlemen.
666
00:35:50,899 --> 00:35:53,735
It’s just the first intentional one,
all right?
667
00:35:53,818 --> 00:35:56,946
Britain ruled America. They ruled Africa.
The ruled the Orient.
668
00:35:57,030 --> 00:36:00,116
I feel like Britain must look at America
the way Venus looks at Serena.
669
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:01,701
Like, “Bitch, I trained you.
670
00:36:05,121 --> 00:36:06,873
You learned this shit from me.”
671
00:36:07,499 --> 00:36:08,833
Lob.
672
00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:12,045
I’m going to tell you a story
about racism, ladies and gentlemen,
673
00:36:12,128 --> 00:36:15,507
and I guarantee you at some point,
you’re going to get uncomfortable.
674
00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:17,884
But hang in there with me.
There’s a good ending.
675
00:36:19,803 --> 00:36:24,724
So I was surfing in the south of India.
Small village in Tamil Nadu.
676
00:36:24,808 --> 00:36:27,060
Kind of village where everybody
spends ten hours a day
677
00:36:27,143 --> 00:36:28,853
on the beach, tanning, baking.
678
00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:33,358
Couple of different nationalities.
Me, couple of Brits, couple of Aussies.
679
00:36:33,441 --> 00:36:35,568
Black guy named Marcus.
680
00:36:36,069 --> 00:36:39,155
As Marcus is holding his surfboard,
walking down to the beach,
681
00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:43,368
he’s stopped by a Tamil villager who says,
“Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
682
00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:46,538
You. You black. Blackie.”
683
00:36:48,915 --> 00:36:50,041
Now, hang on.
684
00:36:51,251 --> 00:36:53,086
Instantly, your educated mind explodes.
685
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:56,506
Poof! This is racism.
Even Marcus is shocked.
686
00:36:56,589 --> 00:36:59,342
He’s like, “Man,
what the fuck did you just say to me?”
687
00:36:59,968 --> 00:37:03,805
He’s like, “No, no, no.
You. You black. Blackie.”
688
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:06,599
This man then goes to his house,
689
00:37:06,683 --> 00:37:09,394
wakes up two sleeping children
from their afternoon nap,
690
00:37:09,477 --> 00:37:10,854
as they rub their eyes,
691
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:13,940
and says, “See, see, see, see.
He black. Blackie.”
692
00:37:15,442 --> 00:37:19,696
I submit to you that that is not racism
on two counts, ladies and gentlemen.
693
00:37:20,697 --> 00:37:23,116
Number one,
there is no malice in that man’s heart.
694
00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:24,839
There is fascination. There is curiosity.
695
00:37:25,452 --> 00:37:28,288
And number two,
this happened in Tamil Nadu...
696
00:37:30,498 --> 00:37:33,126
where the villager
and his whole fucking family
697
00:37:33,209 --> 00:37:35,211
are ten times darker than the black guy.
698
00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:39,716
And then the kids surround Marcus,
and they’re playing with him,
699
00:37:39,799 --> 00:37:42,093
and he’s playing back,
they’re looking at his hand
700
00:37:42,177 --> 00:37:44,137
and looking at their own hand.
701
00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:46,347
And they touch his hair
and they touch their own hair.
702
00:37:46,431 --> 00:37:48,475
And anybody from a frontal angle
looking at that
703
00:37:48,558 --> 00:37:50,810
says, “Yes, this is racism. It qualifies.”
704
00:37:50,894 --> 00:37:53,146
But if you make a small left
and look at that,
705
00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:55,940
it is one of the most beautiful things
I’ve ever seen.
706
00:37:56,691 --> 00:38:00,111
It is the most honest, simple,
nonjudgmental, naive way
707
00:38:00,195 --> 00:38:02,113
of acknowledging our differences.
708
00:38:02,197 --> 00:38:03,990
Acknowledging them.
Because we are different.
709
00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:05,825
Aren’t we, ladies and gentlemen?
710
00:38:05,909 --> 00:38:07,660
My hair is different.
My skin is different.
711
00:38:07,744 --> 00:38:10,079
My color is different.
My values are different.
712
00:38:10,163 --> 00:38:11,915
And it’s okay to talk about that.
713
00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:14,167
If we just talk about the fact
that we are different
714
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:16,085
and acknowledge why we are different,
715
00:38:16,169 --> 00:38:18,171
instead of pretending
that nobody is different
716
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:20,298
and still secretly thinking
we are different,
717
00:38:20,381 --> 00:38:24,594
we might finally all be on the same page
and be less different.
718
00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:29,098
[cheers, applause]
719
00:38:32,519 --> 00:38:34,312
If you took that man out of Tamil Nadu
720
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:37,190
and dropped him right here
in the middle of New York City,
721
00:38:37,273 --> 00:38:39,513
he’d walk around in Harlem
just going, “You black, black.
722
00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:42,570
You black, black. You black, black.
Blackity, blackity, black, black.”
723
00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:45,281
And when he got out of the hospital...
724
00:38:46,407 --> 00:38:49,327
See, it’s okay. He wouldn’t understand
what he has done wrong,
725
00:38:49,410 --> 00:38:52,580
because to him, political correctness
is not a concept that he understands.
726
00:38:52,664 --> 00:38:56,084
Like, if there’s stupid shit in your head,
say it once, learn, educate yourself,
727
00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:57,770
find out why it’s wrong,
never say it again.
728
00:38:57,794 --> 00:38:59,688
- Do you agree with me? Yes or no.
- [audience] Yes.
729
00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:01,339
Good. So let’s start tonight.
730
00:39:02,507 --> 00:39:06,845
So, white people, I submit to you this.
731
00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:09,472
All Indians, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis,
732
00:39:09,556 --> 00:39:11,307
Nepalis and Sri Lankans.
733
00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:14,060
We all look the fucking same.
734
00:39:15,144 --> 00:39:17,438
Please, confuse us all you like.
735
00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:20,775
We are essentially the same people.
It’s okay.
736
00:39:20,859 --> 00:39:23,486
The only difference
between me and a Pakistani person
737
00:39:23,570 --> 00:39:26,364
is increased musical quality
and decreased life expectancy.
738
00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:27,782
That’s it, all right?
739
00:39:30,743 --> 00:39:31,786
[chuckles]
740
00:39:33,788 --> 00:39:37,166
Chinese people, let me talk to you.
Let’s all chill out and talk about this.
741
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:40,086
Chinese people,
I know that China isn’t the same as Laos,
742
00:39:40,169 --> 00:39:42,630
isn’t the same as Philippines,
isn’t the same as Cambodia.
743
00:39:42,714 --> 00:39:45,717
But I also know
that, like, lilac, mauve and lavender
744
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:47,760
are all purple at some level, all right?
745
00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:50,489
White people, can I please talk to you?
746
00:39:50,513 --> 00:39:54,183
Please stop overcompensating
for shit that your great-grandparents did.
747
00:39:54,267 --> 00:39:57,520
Just ’cause your great-granddad was mean
to us doesn’t mean you have to be nice.
748
00:39:58,396 --> 00:40:01,691
Every time I’m with white people, I feel
like Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting.
749
00:40:02,525 --> 00:40:04,777
“It’s not your fault, man.
It’s not your...”
750
00:40:04,861 --> 00:40:06,905
Just get over it. Be like Germany.
751
00:40:10,950 --> 00:40:13,620
Have you met German people?
At least they’re over it, right?
752
00:40:13,703 --> 00:40:16,456
“Some shit happened. Was not cool.
From now on, I’m going to be cool.
753
00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:19,018
High-five. Get on the train.
It’s a good one. No gas. Electric.”
754
00:40:19,042 --> 00:40:20,668
Work that shit out!
755
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:25,548
’Cause we live in an angry world.
We live in an angry world.
756
00:40:25,632 --> 00:40:28,509
We need more love in the world.
Do you agree with me? Yes or no.
757
00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:29,427
- [man] Whoo!
- Good.
758
00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:32,722
So after that manipulative setup,
I want to talk about India and Pakistan.
759
00:40:32,805 --> 00:40:34,432
- Let’s begin.
- [cheering]
760
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:37,661
I recognize that what happens
with India and Pakistan
761
00:40:37,685 --> 00:40:40,563
is official leadership
largely on that side
762
00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:42,732
making officially bad decisions.
763
00:40:42,815 --> 00:40:44,192
I get that.
764
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:46,069
But essentially we are the same people.
765
00:40:46,152 --> 00:40:47,612
- Yes or no?
- Yes!
766
00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:50,823
Do we know why we hate each other,
ladies and gentlemen? Do we know?
767
00:40:50,907 --> 00:40:52,408
We don’t understand the hatred.
768
00:40:52,492 --> 00:40:54,369
People do stupid shit
because of that hatred.
769
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,454
Like go to war and watch cricket.
770
00:40:58,164 --> 00:40:59,892
There are three types of Indians
who watch cricket.
771
00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:02,251
Number one, enthusiasts.
They watch it every single day.
772
00:41:02,335 --> 00:41:05,088
Number two, purists.
Watch it a couple of months a year.
773
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,882
Number three,
Indians who watch cricket one day a year
774
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:09,926
just because you hate Pakistan.
775
00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:12,428
You know who you are.
776
00:41:13,179 --> 00:41:16,224
And what is the big point of contention
between India and Pakistan?
777
00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:17,850
Is it Kashmir?
778
00:41:18,643 --> 00:41:20,603
Right? We keep talking about Kashmir.
779
00:41:20,687 --> 00:41:25,149
We keep talking at Kashmir.
Is anybody listening to Kashmir?
780
00:41:25,233 --> 00:41:26,734
- Really listening.
- [man] No!
781
00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:29,654
Kashmir is like a girl
who’s on a date with two guys,
782
00:41:29,737 --> 00:41:31,990
and both of them
are ordering food for her.
783
00:41:33,866 --> 00:41:36,077
So India’s like,
“She will have the veggies.
784
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:37,745
Veggies for Kashmir.”
785
00:41:37,829 --> 00:41:41,708
And Pakistan is like, “Oh, no, no, no, no.
Get her the beef. She likes the beef.”
786
00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:44,919
“She has been eating veggies
for 60 years.”
787
00:41:45,003 --> 00:41:47,964
“Yeah, but when you are sleeping,
she tries the beef.”
788
00:41:52,635 --> 00:41:55,722
“Oh, you want to give her beef? Cool.
Pork. Pork for Kashmir.
789
00:41:55,805 --> 00:41:57,181
Pork on Kashmir’s plate.”
790
00:41:57,265 --> 00:42:00,184
And Kashmir is just like, “I want fish.
791
00:42:01,686 --> 00:42:03,604
Nobody is asking me.”
792
00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:07,233
But that’s what’s cool about being here.
You know?
793
00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:09,902
Like over here, it doesn’t matter.
794
00:42:11,029 --> 00:42:15,867
Like in the West, Indians, Pakistanis,
Bangladeshis, Nepalis, Sri Lankans,
795
00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:18,161
we’re all the same, right?
796
00:42:18,244 --> 00:42:19,244
[man] Yep.
797
00:42:19,287 --> 00:42:21,039
In the West, we are all Arabs.
798
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,254
And there’s unity in that.
799
00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:29,797
Unlike the Arabs.
800
00:42:30,798 --> 00:42:33,009
Have you seen a war in the Middle East?
I don’t get it.
801
00:42:33,092 --> 00:42:35,678
The guys on this end are like,
“Allah... ” [imitates gunfire]
802
00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:40,683
And the guys on the other end are like,
“Allah... ” [imitates gunfire]
803
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:46,564
And I guarantee you,
Allah’s just up in heaven like, “Fuck!
804
00:42:49,734 --> 00:42:51,360
Which ones were you?”
805
00:42:52,403 --> 00:42:55,281
I don’t even...
This is why we invented chess, remember?
806
00:42:57,075 --> 00:42:59,035
“I need a consult.
Akbar, get in here, man.”
807
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:00,661
“Yeah, sure. What is it?”
808
00:43:01,537 --> 00:43:03,377
“Do you remember
which ones are the good guys?”
809
00:43:03,456 --> 00:43:05,708
“Go to hell.
I’m still not talking to you.”
810
00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:08,544
“Man, are you still sulking?”
811
00:43:09,087 --> 00:43:12,590
“Look, when we started the band,
it was Allah and Akbar.
812
00:43:12,673 --> 00:43:14,467
Okay? Allah and Akbar.
813
00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:16,469
Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.
814
00:43:16,552 --> 00:43:18,012
Allah and Akbar.
815
00:43:18,096 --> 00:43:21,057
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. Allah and Akbar.
816
00:43:21,140 --> 00:43:24,185
But now it’s Allah. Who Akbar, huh?
817
00:43:30,900 --> 00:43:33,194
It’s like everybody saying,
‘Oh, I know Allah.
818
00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:34,904
Who the fuck is Akbar?’
819
00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:37,698
Mr. Breakout Solo Artist.
820
00:43:38,366 --> 00:43:40,201
Mr. Muslim Timberlake.”
821
00:43:42,453 --> 00:43:45,206
You guys in love?
Are you seeing each other?
822
00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:55,591
What, am I asking for social security
numbers or something like that?
823
00:43:56,843 --> 00:43:58,363
- You. What’s your name?
- [man] Varun.
824
00:43:58,427 --> 00:44:00,388
Varun, is this your lovely wife?
825
00:44:01,222 --> 00:44:02,098
- [Varun] No.
- No?
826
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:03,826
She’s your girlfriend?
How long have you been together?
827
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:06,477
- One and a half.
- Why can’t you do this shit, man?
828
00:44:09,313 --> 00:44:12,650
I didn’t fly 2,000 miles to New York
to talk to fucking Varun.
829
00:44:15,236 --> 00:44:18,489
Good. I’ve now offended both sections
of the crowd. We’re in a good place.
830
00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:21,951
I believe I had the worst first kiss
in the history of first kisses.
831
00:44:22,034 --> 00:44:23,452
Let me tell you why.
832
00:44:23,536 --> 00:44:25,830
Because my first kiss
happened in the ’90s.
833
00:44:26,497 --> 00:44:28,499
And the ’90s was a reckless time.
834
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,835
We were just kissing without information.
835
00:44:31,711 --> 00:44:34,314
Nowadays, there is information, right?
You can Google map her lips.
836
00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:36,591
YouTube technique. Call an Uber.
That shit works out.
837
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:40,469
But in the ’90s in India, we had
two references for kissing training.
838
00:44:40,553 --> 00:44:42,471
Number one, Hollywood movies.
839
00:44:43,306 --> 00:44:45,224
Number two, Bollywood movies.
840
00:44:46,392 --> 00:44:49,854
Hollywood movies, every time
there was white people kissing on the TV,
841
00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:52,857
Indian parents fast-forwarded
the shit out of that footage.
842
00:44:53,482 --> 00:44:56,360
“This is sin. This is sin.
My child shall not watch.”
843
00:44:56,903 --> 00:45:00,072
So all white people look like two zombies
eating the shit out of each other.
844
00:45:01,949 --> 00:45:05,161
I’m 36 years old. Today, if I see
white people kissing, I can’t sleep.
845
00:45:06,996 --> 00:45:09,540
And a Bollywood kiss in the ’90s, really?
846
00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:13,294
I’m going to tell you
what a Bollywood kiss was in the ’90s.
847
00:45:14,253 --> 00:45:16,547
So let’s paint the scene, all right?
848
00:45:16,631 --> 00:45:19,467
The guy goes like this. [grunts]
849
00:45:20,384 --> 00:45:22,011
Twenty feet away.
850
00:45:24,805 --> 00:45:26,432
The girl goes... [grunts]
851
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:34,440
Two flowers fuck each other,
and everybody’s happy.
852
00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:37,151
[applause]
853
00:45:38,027 --> 00:45:40,655
We don’t show you a kiss.
We just show you two flowers.
854
00:45:45,326 --> 00:45:47,620
Cut back to the boy. [slurps] Ahh!
855
00:45:49,455 --> 00:45:52,625
’Cause a whole nation is going,
“Ooh, horticulture, yeah.”
856
00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:55,086
Chlorophyll.
857
00:45:56,504 --> 00:45:58,005
Potato.
858
00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:04,553
So I did not know so many things
about kissing.
859
00:46:04,637 --> 00:46:07,306
For instance, I did not know
that kissing involved tongues.
860
00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:09,892
I mean, I know that now.
861
00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:16,941
Hello.
862
00:46:18,025 --> 00:46:20,695
No, madam, I know there are
different approaches to the tongue.
863
00:46:20,778 --> 00:46:22,238
That’s why you’re laughing.
864
00:46:22,321 --> 00:46:24,490
You know,
some people don’t like a lot of tongue.
865
00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:26,969
Some people come at you
like Lord Voldemort.
866
00:46:26,993 --> 00:46:28,327
[speaking gibberish]
867
00:46:30,413 --> 00:46:32,415
[gibberish continues]
868
00:46:33,290 --> 00:46:35,209
This is the visual
that will haunt you tonight.
869
00:46:35,292 --> 00:46:37,253
[speaking gibberish]
870
00:46:37,336 --> 00:46:40,089
I did not know about the tongue,
so imagine my surprise
871
00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:42,174
when two minutes into my first ever kiss,
872
00:46:42,258 --> 00:46:44,927
suddenly a tongue showed up at the door,
like, “Bonjour.
873
00:46:45,594 --> 00:46:47,054
May I come in?”
874
00:46:47,596 --> 00:46:49,015
I know now as an adult,
875
00:46:49,098 --> 00:46:51,392
the correct response is to be like,
“Bonsoir.
876
00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:54,061
We have been expecting you.
877
00:46:54,145 --> 00:46:56,313
Can I show you the living room?”
878
00:46:56,397 --> 00:46:57,940
’Cause this is a French thing, right?
879
00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:00,317
Which two French children
came up with the French kiss?
880
00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:03,612
Stopped in the middle of a normal kiss
and went, “Stop, stop, stop.”
881
00:47:04,613 --> 00:47:05,656
[inhales]
882
00:47:05,740 --> 00:47:08,242
This kiss is shit. [blows]
883
00:47:08,325 --> 00:47:09,994
Where is the passion?
884
00:47:10,077 --> 00:47:11,871
Where’s the discovery?
885
00:47:11,954 --> 00:47:13,456
Where’s the “eat”?
886
00:47:13,998 --> 00:47:15,624
- “You mean the heat?”
- “No, the eat.
887
00:47:16,625 --> 00:47:18,169
I want to eat your face.
888
00:47:19,003 --> 00:47:21,088
I want to taste the surface of your soul.
889
00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:23,549
I want to know what you had for lunch.
890
00:47:24,633 --> 00:47:26,553
I want to find little cavities
between your teeth
891
00:47:26,594 --> 00:47:28,721
and hide my feelings in there.”
892
00:47:29,472 --> 00:47:31,515
So the minute her tongue
showed up in my mouth,
893
00:47:31,599 --> 00:47:32,933
I thought this was an error.
894
00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:34,268
I shut my teeth.
895
00:47:35,603 --> 00:47:38,606
So now her tongue
is licking the surface of my teeth.
896
00:47:38,689 --> 00:47:40,983
Just like a window washer at a skyscraper.
897
00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:44,934
Like trying to find an office in Connaught
Place. At the left, she got the right.
898
00:47:47,490 --> 00:47:50,618
Connaught Place is like Amish panties.
Very hard to find entry.
899
00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:51,869
All right, now...
900
00:47:53,829 --> 00:47:55,015
I still think this is an error.
901
00:47:55,039 --> 00:47:58,584
So now I send my tongue out to push
her tongue back into its territory.
902
00:47:58,667 --> 00:48:01,879
Our tongues are like India and Pakistan.
Fucking surgical strikes happening.
903
00:48:02,797 --> 00:48:04,340
And our noses slam into each other.
904
00:48:04,423 --> 00:48:07,843
There is water running down my face,
mixing with snot, going into our mouths.
905
00:48:07,927 --> 00:48:10,679
Our kiss tastes like a salty Goa beach.
906
00:48:10,763 --> 00:48:13,974
And in the middle of all of that,
my nostril starts to whistle.
907
00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:21,440
So my first ever kiss sounds like this.
908
00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:23,275
[imitates kissing, whistling]
909
00:48:24,527 --> 00:48:26,529
And the girl’s so sweet, she comes back.
910
00:48:26,612 --> 00:48:28,239
[imitates kissing, whistling]
911
00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:31,742
There are dogs and taxis
stopping all around us.
912
00:48:31,826 --> 00:48:34,745
Seven dwarves came in from the forest.
It was fucking beautiful.
913
00:48:35,788 --> 00:48:38,916
I could feel the puke rise up in her mouth
and go back down.
914
00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:40,668
[audience groaning]
915
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:42,951
It’s too easy for this generation.
You know what I mean?
916
00:48:43,003 --> 00:48:45,464
I have a nephew, right?
And this is how he meets girls.
917
00:48:45,548 --> 00:48:48,884
He sends them a message
and he’s like, “Hey, girl, you up?”
918
00:48:50,427 --> 00:48:52,263
And then the girl is like, “I’m up.”
919
00:48:53,222 --> 00:48:56,142
And then it’s up. I don’t know how...
920
00:48:59,520 --> 00:49:03,357
We had to take a compass and write
the girl’s name on our fucking arm, right?
921
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:04,440
Puja!
922
00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:10,865
I believe, ladies and gentlemen,
while we’re talking about love,
923
00:49:10,948 --> 00:49:14,952
that India has no right
to call itself a progressive country
924
00:49:15,035 --> 00:49:17,997
until anybody in India
can love who they want,
925
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:22,459
irrespective of race, caste,
creed or sexual orientation.
926
00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:24,879
[cheering]
927
00:49:25,754 --> 00:49:29,550
Like, I understand homosexuality,
ladies and gentlemen.
928
00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:33,596
I mean, I’m not attracted to other men,
but I can see how one would be...
929
00:49:35,014 --> 00:49:37,183
attracted to other men.
930
00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:39,894
Because I have been with numerous women
who have been.
931
00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,605
[laughter]
932
00:49:43,772 --> 00:49:45,750
But this is a crime in India,
ladies and gentlemen.
933
00:49:45,774 --> 00:49:47,902
It is a crime. How?
934
00:49:47,985 --> 00:49:52,031
If it’s a crime, there must be a way
of investigation and a way of judgment.
935
00:49:52,114 --> 00:49:54,742
How do you judge a gay crime?
Is there a trial?
936
00:49:55,451 --> 00:49:57,536
“Order! Order!
937
00:49:57,620 --> 00:49:59,622
The defendant shall now be sworn in.
938
00:50:00,414 --> 00:50:02,416
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth
939
00:50:02,499 --> 00:50:04,376
and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?”
940
00:50:05,169 --> 00:50:06,962
“I don’t know, man, but I got to tell you.
941
00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:09,798
This is the first Gita
I’ve ever laid hands on.”
942
00:50:16,597 --> 00:50:18,724
“Stop making jokes in my trial.
943
00:50:19,433 --> 00:50:24,688
The defendant has been charged
with sodomy, excessive fellatio
944
00:50:24,772 --> 00:50:26,357
and inherent flamboyance.
945
00:50:27,900 --> 00:50:30,527
- Defendant, how do you plead?”
- “Not guilty.”
946
00:50:30,611 --> 00:50:32,863
“Are you saying
you did not have sex with another man?”
947
00:50:32,947 --> 00:50:35,115
“No, I’m just saying I don’t feel guilty.
948
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:39,411
Can I plead ‘incredibly satisfied’?”
949
00:50:41,914 --> 00:50:43,374
But it’s not just sodomy.
950
00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:46,835
Do you know that according to 377,
oral and anal are also against the law?
951
00:50:46,919 --> 00:50:48,170
Did you know this?
952
00:50:48,254 --> 00:50:51,340
Oral sex and anal sex
against the law in India.
953
00:50:52,216 --> 00:50:55,678
We have 1.2 billion people.
954
00:51:02,393 --> 00:51:04,812
[cheers, applause]
955
00:51:05,771 --> 00:51:07,856
Forget legalizing oral and anal.
956
00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:10,150
We should be advertising that shit.
957
00:51:12,278 --> 00:51:14,863
There should be billboards
with blow jobs on them.
958
00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:17,616
We should have Anal Day.
959
00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:19,743
We should have Ass History Month.
960
00:51:20,119 --> 00:51:22,121
Hashtag: Back Lives Matter.
961
00:51:22,705 --> 00:51:25,165
[cheering]
962
00:51:25,249 --> 00:51:27,626
There should be an “all-odomy” party.
963
00:51:28,669 --> 00:51:31,422
The prime minister should do
a radio program called “Bum ki Baat.”
964
00:51:31,505 --> 00:51:33,632
Every Sunday “Bum ki Baat!”
965
00:51:42,891 --> 00:51:45,436
And let’s talk about the whole community,
not just gay men.
966
00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:47,980
Let’s talk about LGBT.
967
00:51:48,063 --> 00:51:50,816
Lesbians, gays... [muttering]
968
00:51:53,319 --> 00:51:56,572
’Cause as Indian men,
we have no response to lesbianism, right?
969
00:51:57,156 --> 00:51:59,241
We just don’t acknowledge its existence.
970
00:51:59,325 --> 00:52:02,578
After 2,000 years of educated evolution,
971
00:52:02,661 --> 00:52:06,123
our whole response to lesbians is just,
“Huh?
972
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:09,710
What?”
973
00:52:10,294 --> 00:52:12,629
Like, to us,
lesbians are a Bluetooth headset.
974
00:52:12,713 --> 00:52:14,673
“How do you pair the...?
975
00:52:16,425 --> 00:52:17,718
Is there a cord?”
976
00:52:19,678 --> 00:52:21,972
Like, to us, lesbians are the iPhone 7.
977
00:52:22,056 --> 00:52:23,390
No jack.
978
00:52:25,267 --> 00:52:26,602
No jack.
979
00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:31,106
I understand heartbreak.
980
00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:36,028
You know, sometimes it’s a relationship.
Sometimes it’s an election.
981
00:52:36,111 --> 00:52:37,613
[sighs]
982
00:52:38,197 --> 00:52:39,990
Has anybody had their heart broken?
983
00:52:40,074 --> 00:52:42,576
If you’ve had your heart broken,
raise your hands. Have you?
984
00:52:44,244 --> 00:52:47,581
You do things that you are proud of when
you’re putting your life back together
985
00:52:47,664 --> 00:52:49,500
that you will enjoy, correct?
986
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:52,920
Number two, you will do things
that you are not proud of
987
00:52:53,003 --> 00:52:55,172
that you will really, really enjoy, right?
988
00:52:56,465 --> 00:52:58,050
I’m going to tell you a story.
989
00:52:58,133 --> 00:53:01,053
Two years ago, in October,
I got married to the woman of my dreams.
990
00:53:01,136 --> 00:53:04,098
Now, this is the first time in my life
that I’ve gotten married.
991
00:53:04,181 --> 00:53:06,600
Second time in my life
that I’ve tried to get married.
992
00:53:07,935 --> 00:53:09,186
I’m in my 30s now.
993
00:53:09,269 --> 00:53:12,981
When I was 28, I had the misfortune
of having to cancel a wedding.
994
00:53:13,065 --> 00:53:14,733
But, uh... uh, my own.
995
00:53:16,527 --> 00:53:19,279
It’s not like I canceled
somebody else’s wedding.
996
00:53:19,363 --> 00:53:21,782
Only Indian dads can do that shit.
997
00:53:22,491 --> 00:53:24,034
“You can’t go.”
998
00:53:24,118 --> 00:53:26,412
“But I love him.”
[imitating slap] “Shut up, Fatima.”
999
00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:30,100
Here’s the information you need to know.
I proposed to a girl.
1000
00:53:30,124 --> 00:53:31,708
I got the proposal right, ladies.
1001
00:53:31,792 --> 00:53:35,546
Vice presidential suite at a hotel,
2,000 roses, 900 candles.
1002
00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:37,923
I got on one knee and proposed,
1003
00:53:38,006 --> 00:53:41,718
as a string quartet of violins
played our favorite song.
1004
00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:44,012
- [women] Whoo!
- Yeah?
1005
00:53:44,096 --> 00:53:47,141
And, ladies, the most important part
of that process is the...
1006
00:53:47,808 --> 00:53:48,684
[audience] Ring.
1007
00:53:48,767 --> 00:53:51,019
Not the ring, you selfish bitches, no.
1008
00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:53,105
Where are my romantic people?
1009
00:53:53,188 --> 00:53:55,068
The most important part
of the process is the...
1010
00:53:55,149 --> 00:53:57,085
- [woman] The knee.
- The knee. There you fucking go.
1011
00:53:57,109 --> 00:53:58,777
Give her a round of applause.
1012
00:53:59,528 --> 00:54:02,573
The knee. It’s very important,
right, ladies, to get down on one knee?
1013
00:54:02,656 --> 00:54:03,740
It is, yes?
1014
00:54:03,824 --> 00:54:05,844
That’s when they understand
they’re being proposed to.
1015
00:54:05,868 --> 00:54:08,871
When your knee goes “eh,”
their brain goes ping. They understand.
1016
00:54:09,788 --> 00:54:11,933
It’s always the first thing
they talk about in the story.
1017
00:54:11,957 --> 00:54:14,877
“Oh, my God, it was so romantic.
He got down on one knee.
1018
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:17,963
He defied gravity!
1019
00:54:18,046 --> 00:54:21,842
And the skeletal structure
of the human body and the tides and...”
1020
00:54:21,925 --> 00:54:24,928
What the hell else was he going to do,
a Surya Namaskara?
1021
00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:29,641
He can’t get down on both knees.
That’s your job.
1022
00:54:29,725 --> 00:54:32,644
[audience] Ohh!
1023
00:54:32,728 --> 00:54:35,314
I’m sorry.
Engineers, that’s a blow job joke.
1024
00:54:42,112 --> 00:54:44,382
My point is this, ladies and gentlemen.
My proposal was grand.
1025
00:54:44,406 --> 00:54:46,200
Would you agree, darling, yes?
1026
00:54:46,283 --> 00:54:48,952
- So my breakup should also have been...
- Grand!
1027
00:54:49,036 --> 00:54:52,164
Except I got broken up with on Skype.
1028
00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:56,460
Which is still okay. If it was Snapchat,
I would have shot myself.
1029
00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:59,630
The information you need to know is this.
1030
00:54:59,713 --> 00:55:04,051
My fiancée has gone abroad to New York
to complete her MBA before our wedding.
1031
00:55:04,134 --> 00:55:07,638
In her college, she has a very cute
study partner, a man I never liked,
1032
00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:11,600
because the minute I saw his face,
I knew there was going to be a twist.
1033
00:55:13,477 --> 00:55:16,438
We have sent out 1,000 invites
to people in Delhi,
1034
00:55:16,522 --> 00:55:19,107
which means 9,000 people
are coming to the wedding.
1035
00:55:20,442 --> 00:55:23,529
As Delhiites call it,
“Small, intimate family wedding.”
1036
00:55:24,238 --> 00:55:26,365
It is now Friday night,
three o’clock in the morning,
1037
00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:28,116
three months before my wedding.
1038
00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:30,327
My fiancée has informed me
that she’s in love
1039
00:55:30,410 --> 00:55:32,246
and will be leaving me for him.
1040
00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:34,289
Except she didn’t say that.
1041
00:55:34,957 --> 00:55:37,334
- She typed it.
- [audience] Ohh!
1042
00:55:37,417 --> 00:55:39,127
On Skype.
1043
00:55:39,211 --> 00:55:42,005
You Indian engineers can appreciate
how messed up that is.
1044
00:55:43,382 --> 00:55:45,592
“She did not use
the video chatting interface?
1045
00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:50,722
We have designed
a video chatting interface.
1046
00:55:52,391 --> 00:55:56,311
Millions of Indians have died as virgins
in San Jose, California, to design...”
1047
00:55:58,605 --> 00:56:01,358
You know that little chat box
at the bottom of Skype
1048
00:56:01,441 --> 00:56:02,943
for when the shit is not working?
1049
00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:04,111
Except the shit is working.
1050
00:56:04,194 --> 00:56:07,531
So you are watching somebody
that you can hear typing a message to you.
1051
00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:10,909
Meanwhile, you’re just looking at a box
that says “typing, typing, typing.”
1052
00:56:10,993 --> 00:56:13,930
As you wait for your heart to fall apart.
“Typing, typing, typing, typing.”
1053
00:56:13,954 --> 00:56:16,516
For karma that’s going to change
the direction of your entire life.
1054
00:56:16,540 --> 00:56:18,750
“Typing, typing, typing, typing.”
1055
00:56:18,834 --> 00:56:21,128
And which one of you bastard engineers
1056
00:56:21,211 --> 00:56:24,047
came up with
“typing, typing, typing, typing”?
1057
00:56:25,591 --> 00:56:28,343
Even on WhatsApp, it’s fucking annoying.
Yes or no?
1058
00:56:28,427 --> 00:56:30,554
- Yeah!
- Can’t we make it more honest?
1059
00:56:30,637 --> 00:56:31,722
“Typing.
1060
00:56:32,472 --> 00:56:33,473
Still typing.
1061
00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:36,476
I’m very bad at English.
1062
00:56:37,686 --> 00:56:40,022
I’m on Vodafone.
This could take nine months.”
1063
00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:44,651
But no. “Typing, typing, typing, typing.”
1064
00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:46,695
And then her confession arrives.
1065
00:56:46,778 --> 00:56:48,697
And the thing about heartbreak...
1066
00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:51,950
is it immediately downgrades
your intelligence
1067
00:56:52,034 --> 00:56:54,953
to the intelligence level
of the person breaking your heart.
1068
00:56:55,871 --> 00:56:58,248
- [man] Whoo!
- [applause]
1069
00:56:58,915 --> 00:57:01,918
’Cause all of a sudden,
I don’t know what to say.
1070
00:57:02,878 --> 00:57:05,339
And I’m a public speaker.
1071
00:57:07,090 --> 00:57:08,383
So for some reason,
1072
00:57:08,467 --> 00:57:12,929
I still don’t understand
why I start to type back.
1073
00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:17,476
Because my logic is
if I can’t vocalize “fuck you,”
1074
00:57:17,559 --> 00:57:19,811
then, by God, I’m going to capitalize it.
1075
00:57:23,565 --> 00:57:26,026
And then just
“typing, typing, typing, typing.”
1076
00:57:26,109 --> 00:57:27,945
And psoosh!
1077
00:57:28,028 --> 00:57:29,905
You know that noise on Skype? Psoosh!
1078
00:57:29,988 --> 00:57:32,699
That’s the sound
of a man’s heart breaking. Psoosh!
1079
00:57:33,742 --> 00:57:36,745
And then Friday night,
three o’clock in the morning,
1080
00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:38,747
is where I make my cardinal error.
1081
00:57:38,830 --> 00:57:42,918
I get onto Facebook.
1082
00:57:44,378 --> 00:57:46,338
We’ve all done it, haven’t we?
1083
00:57:46,421 --> 00:57:49,633
Made the mistake of thinking your
Facebook friends are your real friends.
1084
00:57:51,385 --> 00:57:53,637
But you’re not gonna get that on Facebook.
1085
00:57:54,554 --> 00:57:59,059
The only interaction you will ever get
from another human soul on Facebook
1086
00:57:59,142 --> 00:58:03,063
is “like, like, thumb, thumb,
share, share, LOL, LOL,
1087
00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:08,110
smiley, smiley, winky smiley,
crooked smiley, na-na-na-na-na.”
1088
00:58:08,694 --> 00:58:10,737
And worst of all, LULZ.
1089
00:58:12,614 --> 00:58:14,241
“L-U...
1090
00:58:15,993 --> 00:58:17,995
L-Z.”
1091
00:58:18,078 --> 00:58:19,413
LULZ.
1092
00:58:20,122 --> 00:58:22,791
Because, apparently,
LOL wasn’t enough for Indians.
1093
00:58:27,713 --> 00:58:30,382
So in the middle of the night,
I changed my Facebook status...
1094
00:58:32,092 --> 00:58:33,719
from “engaged” to “single.”
1095
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:39,850
And I go to bed thinking,
“Tomorrow will be a brighter day.”
1096
00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:42,436
[whistles]
1097
00:58:43,478 --> 00:58:44,563
LULZ.
1098
00:58:46,773 --> 00:58:48,734
My PR person calls me at 9:00 a.m.
1099
00:58:48,817 --> 00:58:52,070
and says, “Vir, did you change
your Facebook status last night?”
1100
00:58:53,196 --> 00:58:54,406
[whimpers] “Ye-Yeah.”
1101
00:58:55,157 --> 00:58:57,784
“You know reporters are your friends
on Facebook, right, Vir?”
1102
00:58:59,494 --> 00:59:01,621
“You mean they’re not my real friends?”
1103
00:59:02,122 --> 00:59:05,459
“The newspaper’s going to do an article
about your wedding getting canceled.”
1104
00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:08,545
I can’t tell you which newspaper.
I’m informed I’ll get sued.
1105
00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:10,671
Because it’s Netflix.
1106
00:59:10,714 --> 00:59:14,217
But, uh, it rhymes with “Windustan Times.”
1107
00:59:21,475 --> 00:59:22,475
[chuckles]
1108
00:59:22,517 --> 00:59:24,061
Legal loophole.
1109
00:59:25,687 --> 00:59:28,315
So now we’ve lined up an article
with another newspaper.
1110
00:59:28,398 --> 00:59:32,736
I can’t tell you which newspaper,
but it rhymes with “Wombay Times.”
1111
00:59:34,488 --> 00:59:37,408
“So you’re going to write a column
about being single in Mumbai, the life.
1112
00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:41,161
We put a positive spin on it,
and that’s how we break the news. Yay.”
1113
00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:45,040
I have been single in Mumbai
for six hours.
1114
00:59:46,416 --> 00:59:48,919
But here I am, just writing this column
about how I believe
1115
00:59:49,002 --> 00:59:51,004
Mumbai is the greatest city in the world
1116
00:59:51,088 --> 00:59:55,300
to find a girl and fall in love
and settle down and rent an apartment.
1117
00:59:55,383 --> 00:59:57,903
If you are not North Indian actor,
non-vegetarian, not a Muslim,
1118
00:59:57,969 --> 00:59:58,969
you’ll be all right.
1119
01:00:00,639 --> 01:00:03,892
And the newspaper likes it so much,
they don’t put it in their local paper.
1120
01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:06,978
They put it
in their national Sunday paper,
1121
01:00:07,062 --> 01:00:09,481
“The Wimes of India.”
1122
01:00:11,691 --> 01:00:15,821
With a big headline that says,
“Vir Das: Single in Mumbai, the Life.”
1123
01:00:16,530 --> 01:00:18,949
And that’s how I canceled my wedding.
1124
01:00:19,825 --> 01:00:23,203
On the day, nobody showed up.
1125
01:00:24,830 --> 01:00:26,623
But what did I tell you?
1126
01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:29,835
When you get your heart broken,
you will do things that you are proud of
1127
01:00:29,918 --> 01:00:31,336
that you will enjoy.
1128
01:00:32,254 --> 01:00:34,840
You will do things
that you are not proud of
1129
01:00:34,923 --> 01:00:37,634
that you will really,
really, really enjoy.
1130
01:00:38,468 --> 01:00:40,554
So here’s what I’m proud of.
1131
01:00:40,637 --> 01:00:43,640
Seven months after this happened,
I met a beautiful girl at a party.
1132
01:00:44,224 --> 01:00:47,269
Beautiful. Intelligence. Ambitious.
Driven. Just amazing.
1133
01:00:47,352 --> 01:00:51,398
And I said, “Hi. My name is Vir Das.”
And she said, “Oh, I know who you are.”
1134
01:00:51,481 --> 01:00:55,527
I thought maybe she had seen a movie,
and if it wasn’t Mastizaade, it’d be okay.
1135
01:00:57,946 --> 01:01:00,198
And she’s like,
“No. I read an article in the newspaper
1136
01:01:00,282 --> 01:01:02,075
that you wrote about love.
1137
01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:05,537
And I think you get love
in this really cool, groovy way.”
1138
01:01:06,204 --> 01:01:09,082
Ladies and gentlemen,
that girl is now my wife.
1139
01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:13,670
[cheering]
1140
01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:15,172
And that was nice.
1141
01:01:15,255 --> 01:01:16,965
I enjoyed that shit.
1142
01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:18,592
I’m proud of that.
1143
01:01:19,759 --> 01:01:21,636
Here’s what I’m not so proud of...
1144
01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:24,556
that I really, really enjoyed.
1145
01:01:25,182 --> 01:01:27,809
Two months after that happened,
the girl from New York City called
1146
01:01:27,893 --> 01:01:29,227
and said, “I’m so sorry.
1147
01:01:29,311 --> 01:01:32,355
I was in a lonely place. I was vulnerable.
I needed somebody to hold me.
1148
01:01:32,439 --> 01:01:34,458
Can you talk to me about this?
Can we forgive each other?
1149
01:01:34,482 --> 01:01:37,652
Can you take me back and start to talk
about this and build our relationship?”
1150
01:01:37,736 --> 01:01:39,404
And I said...
1151
01:01:40,822 --> 01:01:43,033
- “Yeah.”
- [audience] Ohh!
1152
01:01:43,116 --> 01:01:45,243
“Get on Skype.”
1153
01:01:45,327 --> 01:01:49,873
And I pasted the text of that article
really slowly into that chat box,
1154
01:01:49,956 --> 01:01:51,124
line by line.
1155
01:01:51,208 --> 01:01:53,543
’Cause I knew somewhere across the world,
1156
01:01:53,627 --> 01:01:58,298
she was just looking at a box that said,
“Typing, typing, typing, typing...
1157
01:01:58,924 --> 01:02:01,509
typing, typing, typing, typing.
1158
01:02:02,469 --> 01:02:03,469
LULZ.”
1159
01:02:12,395 --> 01:02:13,396
[chuckles]
1160
01:02:14,356 --> 01:02:16,751
This is my favorite moment of the show,
ladies and gentlemen.
1161
01:02:16,775 --> 01:02:19,653
The show’s going to end in 120 seconds.
1162
01:02:20,487 --> 01:02:22,489
I never know how to end shows.
1163
01:02:23,448 --> 01:02:24,783
What do I tell you?
1164
01:02:25,367 --> 01:02:28,453
I could tell you
that I started my career in this city...
1165
01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:32,499
in a gig for 60 people.
1166
01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:36,294
And I swore to myself
that one day I would come back here
1167
01:02:36,378 --> 01:02:38,672
and I would sell out a stadium.
1168
01:02:41,007 --> 01:02:42,425
But that’s not true.
1169
01:02:42,884 --> 01:02:45,512
I haven’t sold out this stadium.
1170
01:02:45,595 --> 01:02:48,139
Ten percent of you
work for the government or the police
1171
01:02:48,223 --> 01:02:50,433
or are some sort of fucking VIP.
1172
01:02:52,686 --> 01:02:58,149
I could tell you it was my dream to
perform in an iconic American comedy club.
1173
01:02:58,692 --> 01:03:00,694
But that’s not true.
1174
01:03:01,278 --> 01:03:04,281
This isn’t an iconic American comedy club.
1175
01:03:05,615 --> 01:03:08,034
The Comedy Store in LA,
that shit would have been nice,
1176
01:03:08,118 --> 01:03:10,078
but this is a good start.
1177
01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:13,164
I could tell you
that this is good-bye for a while
1178
01:03:13,248 --> 01:03:16,751
because I want to go across the world,
and I want to show them
1179
01:03:16,835 --> 01:03:21,047
that Indian comedy is more than
just head-bobble jokes and funny accents.
1180
01:03:21,131 --> 01:03:22,966
[cheering]
1181
01:03:25,719 --> 01:03:27,595
But that’s not true.
1182
01:03:27,679 --> 01:03:31,349
When I get there, I’m going to do
head-bobble jokes and funny accents.
1183
01:03:31,433 --> 01:03:34,853
I could tell you that I believe
I’m so excited about this market
1184
01:03:34,936 --> 01:03:38,481
because I believe it’s a mecca
for great performance style
1185
01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:39,941
from across the world.
1186
01:03:41,526 --> 01:03:43,445
But that’s not true.
1187
01:03:43,528 --> 01:03:45,965
It was true two weeks ago.
I don’t think we’re getting visas anymore.
1188
01:03:45,989 --> 01:03:47,198
That’s my point.
1189
01:03:49,409 --> 01:03:51,661
Or I could tell you
everything I wanted to tell you.
1190
01:03:51,745 --> 01:03:55,290
And I could sandwich it
between sarcasm and stupidity.
1191
01:03:57,042 --> 01:03:58,251
Because I know you.
1192
01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:00,378
And you know me.
1193
01:04:00,462 --> 01:04:02,589
And I know that you’d understand.
1194
01:04:03,465 --> 01:04:05,383
My name is Vir Das.
1195
01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:06,634
Thank you.
1196
01:04:06,718 --> 01:04:07,927
Namaste.
1197
01:04:08,011 --> 01:04:09,220
Jai hind.
1198
01:04:09,304 --> 01:04:10,889
Good night.
1199
01:04:10,972 --> 01:04:12,515
[cheering]
1200
01:04:17,145 --> 01:04:19,481
[cheering continues]
1201
01:04:20,231 --> 01:04:23,151
[rock intro]
1202
01:04:32,243 --> 01:04:34,120
[man singing: rock]
1203
01:04:49,010 --> 01:04:52,055
[singing continues]
1204
01:05:10,073 --> 01:05:11,074
[singing ends]
101801
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