All language subtitles for The.Ladies.Man.2000.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX].ENG

Along the Stevenson expressway,
the traffic's moving along nicely.

Another shadow traffic update
with t.J. Burks in ten minutes.

You are listening to wrix,

Chicago's number one news
and financial network.

Now, back to money matters.

Welcome back.
I'm your host, Gil Stewart,

and we're almost out of time
here on money matters,

but here's a quick wrap-up
of the day's biggest stories.

The dow closing out today
at minus 55,

while the nasdaq
was up seven points.

The s&p is down four.

Gold takes a big hit on
the floor as the international
monetary fund

unloads 10%
of its gold holdings,

causing ripples throughout
the banking industry,

continuing the trend
of unloading the bulk
of its holdings

in favor of
better-performing securities.

You've been listening to
money matters.

I'm Gil Stewart,
looking after your money.

It's now 2:00 A.M.
and time for

what's happening ?
And welcome to
the ladies man,

the love line with
all the right responses
to your romantic queries.

My name is Leon Phelps,
and to those of you
that are uninitiated,

I am an expert
in the ways of love.

Um, I have made love
to many fine ladies,

from the lowliest
bus station skank

to the classiest,
most sophisticated,

educated, debutante,
high society bus station skank.

But listen.
I am doing good,
if you were askin'.

I got my courvoisier cognac
right here,

and I'm ready
to take your calls.

While I am not a psychiatrist
or a psychologist or whatever,

I have done it
to a lot of ladies,

and that makes me
somewhat like an expert.

I have a Ph.D. in tang,
as it were.

So, if you have
a romantic query and you are
under the age of 50

and you're not
freaky or disgustin',
please give us a call.

My lovely producer,
Julie Simmons,

she is over there and she is
awaiting with bated breath

to hear what
you got to say.

Okay, you're gonna have
to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.

Susan from oak park,
you have a question for Leon ?

Oh, he left his clothes
at your house.

The phone is lighting up,
so let's take a call.

Hey, what's happening ?
This is Leon Phelps.
You got the ladies man.

Hello, ladies man.
Oh, it's a lady.

I'm new to this city, and
I don't know too many people.

And I am painfully shy.

Yeah, you sound painfully shy.
Listen, this is
what you should do.

Uh-huh.
Go to the bus station
or to a bowling alley

and hang out
with no underpants.

Trust me. It works.
What ?

Yeah, you'd be surprised at
how many men will approach you.
I know that I would.

Next caller, go ahead.
You got the ladies man.

Ladies man, lately I've been
feeling really confused.

Yeah, that sounds good.

No, it's not good.

I'm in a relationship, but
I don't know if he is for real.

How do you know when
you're really, truly in love ?

Don't worry.
When you're really,
truly in love,

you will feel it
deep down in your pants.

Unless, of course,
you're not wearing any pants,

which is not uncommon
in my case.

What are you talking about ?
I asked you about
finding true love.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
You did. Listen, I hope
whatever I said was helpful.

Next caller.
You got the ladies man.

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put
you on hold, okay ? Ladies man.

Listen, I don't care
what you say.
Chlamydia is a soup.

It's my opinion.
I can have that if I'd like.

You don't have to argue.
I've seen it on
the grocery store shelves.

Yes, I know that clam chowder
is not a venereal disease.

Don't argue with me about it.
I don't care
if you are a doctor.

No, we promise there won't be
any more vulgar material.

You gotta get a thumb and
just stick it up in there.

Actually,
get two thumbs up in there,
you know, like the fonz.

L ike this-hey.

There may be some weird smells
afterwards, but don't worry.
Just take a shower.

Hey, go ahead, caller.
You got the ladies man.

No one knows where Leon
came from exactly,

but he started out life on
the steps of a majestic mansion.

The master of the house
was a great man

who surrounded himself
with the world's
most beautiful objects.

He had everything he wanted,

except a son.

Young Leon was taken
into this world

and raised as one of their own.

And in that warm
family environment,

Leon developed into quite
a stylish young man.

He learned everything
a bright young kid
would wanna know about

stereo systems
and, of course, love.

In this magical kingdom,

the king shared
everything with him.

Only one thing was off-limits.

But Leon being Leon,

the day finally arrived when
the benevolent proprietor
and Leon parted ways.

Poor little Leon
was thrown out into the cold,

much like Moses
in the days of old.

After that it wasn't easy
for the little man,
but he got along.

He always did.

Not because he was smart
and not because he was rich,

but because

the ladies loved Leon Phelps.

How did he do it ?
Hey, Leon.

Well, I guess you'd better
ask the man yourself.

Lester, how come you tell
that story every time
we walk into this bar ?

I don't know.
Maybe there's somebody out there
who don't know you.

Yeah, right.
It's the same five
or six people in this place.

How'd your show go tonight ?
Oh, yeah, good question.

Um, same old, same old.
Leon Phelps is a genius.

Yeah, same old angry calls
from our listeners

and same old threats
from the boss.

But listen, for every
hundred angry calls we get,

there is somebody
that I helped.

Ain't that right,
scrap iron ?

Huh ? Yeah.

Leon single-handedly saved
my second and fourth marriages.

Mm-hmm.
That's right.
And it was Leon

who taught me I didn't have
to be ashamed of my body.

Thank you, candy.
You see, I like to help people.
That is what I do.

You know,
I am like Mother Teresa,

but of boning,
you see what I'm saying ?

Listen, Julie,
you are now in the world
of Leon Phelps, okay ?

Everything will work out.
Trust me.

Thank you, scrap.

And besides that, Julie,
you have to learn

that there are
more important things
in life than work.

Can I help you ?
Martini with lemon.

So excuse me while
Leon Phelps shows you

how he brings home
the bacon.

That's my cue.
I'm out of here.

Yeah, I know.
It's a heartbreak,
ain't it, girlfriend ?

I mean, when's it
gonna be our turn, right ?

You know, you and me
are exactly alike.
Eerie.

See you later, scrap iron.
Bye, baby.

Bye, Lester.
See you tomorrow, Leon.
Bye, sweetie.

There goes Julie Simmons.

I bet you're wondering
what a nice girl like that
is doing in a place like this.

Well, that's exactly
what I was wondering one night
about two years ago.

Do me wrong

do me right

do me right, baby

tell me lies

bourbon, up.

Let me help you with that.
There you go.

Listen, I was wondering,
can I ask you a question ?

Was your father
a meat burglar ?

Here's why I ask.
Because it looks like
somebody

stole two fine hams
and shoved them down
the back of your dress.

And then it happened.
She started laughing.

Kept on laughing.
I thought she was crazy.

They talked and laughed
on into the night.

Leon didn't go home with her,
but he took home
her business card.

She said she was in radio.
Said she wanted
to put Leon on the radio.

That was two years ago.

I guess she packed
her wedding dress away

for another day.

Listen, seriously, Lester.
Can you take a break
for a second ?

I'm trying to concentrate
over here.

Leon, I think she gonna be
a tough shoe to Polish.

Au contraire, bon jour.

Let me give you
the play-by-play.

I will probably begin
with a very classy first line.

Something like

say, sweet thing,
can I buy you a fish sandwich ?

Mm-hmm.

And then I will commence to
whisper sweet words in her ear.

Something like

man, I'd like to take a bite
out of your butt.

And then I will close the deal
by giving her a preview of

the goods.

Hallelujah

the day you pick up
that pretty woman,

that's the day I believe
a wet bird don't fly at night.

Yeah ? Well, get ready
to see a wet bird
fly at night, my friend.

Say there, sweet thing.

Uh, I have a question.
Could I

hey, swinger.
I've got an idea.
Yeah ?

My husband's away.

Let's go back to my place.

So you don't want
a fish sandwich ?

Okay, that's cool, I guess.
But listen.

My car doesn't exist, so
yes.
Shut up.

The bus is what
we'll be taking.

Hey !
Hey, man ! Hey !

To the left. To the left.
Yeah. Just like that.
Like that ?

Honey, the front door.

Barney, is that you ?

Well, it isn't the orkin man.

I'll be right there.

You'll never guess
what happened.

I was cleaning up
the broom closet,

and it was so stuffed
with crap.

So I opened the door

and it was like,
uh-uh-uh-uh.

Don't open that door, McGee.

'Cause all that stuff

just came tumbling down
all over me.

Do you have a man
in there with you ?
Oh, yes !

Oh, yes ! Oh, yes !
Don't stop.

Cheryl ?

Oh, don't stop !
Oh, don't

listen, baby, that was cool,
but I gotta go.

No !

Wake up !

It is 2:30 in the A.M.,
and you are listenin'
to the ladies man.

All right.
So let's take some more calls.
Go ahead, caller.

Hello ? Am I on ?

Yes, you are.
What seems to be your query ?

Uh

well, look, I've never called
a show like this before,

but I'm in
I'm in really bad shape.

I was, uh
I was kind of hoping
that you'd help me out.

Well, we'll see
what we can do.

So, I came home last night,

and what do you know.

My wife of seven years was
in the sack with another guy.

Yeah, that sounds good.
No, it's not good.

I-I saw the guy.

I saw him running
running down the street.

He had this, like, smiley

tattoo thing on his, uh,
on his, uh

okay, sir, listen.

We're gonna take
a break right now.

We'll be back in a few moments
with the answer to our survey,

what is your favorite hole ?
Thanks for calling.

I don't wanna talk.
I just came to pick up my

Barney !

No ! No !

It's not what you think.

Way to go, Leon.
You really are a class act.

Well, what can I say, baby ?
The ladies,
they love Leon Phelps.

What ladies ?
Who are these women ?

And why do you feel like you
have to sleep with all of them ?

Um, let me see.
Have you ever had sex ?

Yes, Leon, I've had sex.

Yes, well, there you go.

That's delightful.

Yeah.
It's exactly
that kind of language

that's gonna get you
kicked off the air

Mr. Kent.
Yes !

You certainly seem
in good spirits today.

I didn't think it showed.

I just got a letter
from the f.C.C.

So I suppose you could say
I'm full of
contentment and cheer.

What do you mean ?

Well, I'm sure you're aware
that your smutty-mouthed
little friend, Leon Phelps,

has always been a Thorn
in my side.

He's unprofessional.
He drinks on the air.

He has a little sip
of cognac now and then, but

I would have fired him
years ago if
he wasn't such a

such a favorite with
the owner of the station.

I don't know what
she sees in him.

But I finally decided to
go over her head about this

and straight to the f.C.C.

And if Leon Phelps
is responsible
for even one more

tiny little fine,

I get to fire him.

Well, we haven't had
a fine in weeks.

Leon's completely
cleaned up his act.

Oh, is that a fact ?
All right, caller.
You got the ladies man.

Yeah, you see,
what your problem is

is that you suffer from,

um, homo-UN-erectus.

Which means, basically, that
your wang is hugeified

not by a woman but by a man.

Well, you never know.
I mean, some nights
the f.C.C. Doesn't even listen.

Really ?
No !

They listen all the time.
Probably listening now.

Hey, what's up ? Bucky Kent
is visiting us in the station.
How you doing ?

Well, I guess
he can't stick around.

But you still got Leon Phelps.
I'm sticking it out here.

We gonna take a break.
We gonna be right back.

Leon
listen, don't let bucky
get you all upset.

He is just jealous.
Leon, I think
he's serious this time.

He said that
the radio station won't pay
for any more of your fines.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.
We only got three minutes
left for the show.

I'm just gonna ease my way out.
Just play a little music.
No more phone calls, okay ?

And you'll see by tomorrow
bucky Kent will be
all cooled down.

You promise ?
Julie, come on.

The one person you can trust
is Leon Phelps.

Okay.
Kiss me. Kiss me !

Stop it.

What's happening ?
You got the ladies man,

Leon Phelps here,
and I am looking at a half-empty
bottle of courvoisier,

which means that we are
just about out of time.

But before I go,
I'd like to leave you
with just one more thought.

This is a little something
that I wrote.

And I read:

What is love ?

What is this longing in
our hearts for togetherness ?

Is it not
the sweetest flower ?

Does not this flower
of love

have the fragrant aroma
of fine, fine diamonds ?

Does not the wind
love the dirt ?

Is not love
not unlike the unlikely
not it is unliking to ?

Are you with someone tonight ?

Do not question your love.

Take your lover by the hand.

Release the power
within yourself.

You heard me,
release the power.

Tame the wild cosmos
with a whisper.

Conquer heaven with one
intimate caress.

That's right.
Don't be shy.

Whip out
everything you've got

and do it in the butt.

By Leon Phelps.

Let's go.
Come on.

Good distance.
Yeah, not bad.

Listen, Julie,
I just wanna say

thank you
for sticking up for me.

Yeah, okay. Leon
no, listen.
You always stick up for me.

Yeah, but Leon
listen, face it.
You're the greatest, you know ?

Thank you.
And another thing.

No matter what they do to me,
they can fire me
from their radio station,

they can call me
all kinds of names,

they can make me
get down on my knees
and beg for my job,

but the one thing
that they cannot take away

from sweet Leon

is his dignity.

So this is my fabulous yacht.

Or as I like to call it,
my personal skankuary.

I told you before, Leon,
it's not a yacht
if you get mail there.

Mm-hmm.
It's more like
a trailer park of the sea.

Yeah, well, even so,

this is what I like to call
the L.A. forum,

because this is where
the magic happens.

And the magic just happened
once on that chair
that you're touching.

I have performed the magic
once in that wastepaper basket.

And you know, I actually
had to get the magic cleaned
from out of this curtain.

That was a long shot.
Wore me out.

Let's get you
into bed, okay ?

Here.
Officer, no.

Come on. Let's see
if we can get you into bed.

Watch it. Ow !

I'm sorry, Julie.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come on.

I'm sorry.
It's okay.

Listen, I handle my drink
better than today.

I've seen you. I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about the firing.

It's okay.
Just lie down.
You deserve better.

It's okay. We're gonna be fine.
You should be
with a professional.

Mrs. Robinson, are you
trying to seduce me ?

No, I'm not.

In fact, I'm looking
around this place

and I can't understand
why anyone would ever
want to seduce you.

Turn off the lights

that is why.

Light a candle
you've gotta be kidding.

Mm-mmm.

Pina colada butt lotion ?
Mm-hmm.

Where do you even
find this stuff ?

Mostly at K-Mart
and Wal-Mart.

And why do you have a water bed
when you live on a boat ?

Oh, it's because there's
more motion in the ocean.

Come on in, baby.
The water's fine.

So, Julie ?
Huh ?

Are we going to do it ?

No, we are not going to do it.

I would hate to see you
as an old man, Leon.

You are gonna be
one sorry sight.

Where you going ?
I'm going home.

The job search
starts tomorrow.

Oh, boy.

Smiley

ass tattoo.

Victims of the smiling ass.

Have you seen this ass ?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Welcome to the v.S.A.

Victims of the smiling ass.

We will have our revenge.

Well, let me tell you
a little bit about wrqe.

We play all the biggest names
in soft rock and light jazz.

Folks like Enya, yanni, tesh.

I don't know if you've heard
of a little lady who goes by
the name of miss Celine Dion.

No, who is that ?

I have to say I've heard of you,
but I'm not too familiar
with your show.

I don't stay up
that late anymore.

Do you have a tape
I could listen to ?
I'm afraid we don't

yeah, actually, we do.
This should give you

a good idea of what
we can bring to your station.

Fantastic.

Let's see
what we've got here.

You know, clinically speaking,
doing it doggy style has

there's some racy stuff
at the beginning there, but
you can speed right through it.

All right.

Yeah.

Sounds like the answer for you
is doing it doggy style.

Just speed through.
Same stuff.

Boy, excuse me.
Anyways, doggy style

you can speed right through
that part too.

Yeah, see, you was
kicked in the scrotum.

Or as they say
in the medical profession,
the ball sac.

You can skip
through that part.

Well, you know,
the scientific name
is the hershey highway.

Speed on through.

Hey. But that
is the only tape.

The tape is important.
There's people looking.

That's not-don't

Miss, uh, Simmons ?
Yes.

Uh, let's see.

Oh, very nice.
Very nice.

Thank you.
And, uh

Mr. Phelps.

Yeah, that's me.

I'm presently in the process
of getting my resume typed up
over at kinko's.

Kinko's.
Good people. Nice.
Yeah.

I see under interests,
you've written debit ?

No, that's da butt.

Da butt ?
Yeah.
And also I like tennis.

Good, good.

Well, Mr. Phelps,
today might be your lucky day.

Our morning anchor quit,
out of the blue.

And we are desperate for
someone to fill her old slot.

Well, that's no problem,

'cause I have a lot
of experience at filling
other people's slots.

Really ?
Mm-hmm.

You mean you've filled
other people's slots before ?

Yeah, this morning.
Fantastic.
You got the job.

Really ?

Yeah, absolutely.

Well, welcome to wpjt radio.

What's happening ?
And welcome to the ladies

uh, the lord's man show.

Um-so, I understand
that you are a nun ?

Yes, that's right.
Yeah, that's cool.

And how long have you been,
uh, nunning it up ?

For about 30 years now.

Yeah. Well, congratulations.
That's good.

Now, I understand
that your work

takes you all around the world,
is that right ?

Yes, that is correct.
In fact, I'll be
leaving the country

very soon to assume
a missionary position.

I'm sorry. What was that ?

I'm going to assume
a missionary position,

and I'll probably be holding it
for a very long time.

Yeah, well, that's
that's interesting.

Um-so, where will
you be holding this

missionary position ?
In Bangkok.
Yeah.

Bangkok. Yeah.
That's, uh, cool.

So why don't we talk
about something else.

Bangkok is lovely.
In fact, I'm looking forward
to taking it all in.

Hmm.

But it can get
a little steamy.

Hot and steamy.

Have you ever gone down
the yellow river ?

Yeah, once in the '80s,
but I did not enjoy it.

What about
a missionary position ?

Have you ever known the joys
of a missionary position ?

Yeah, okay.

Here's a story I'm gonna
tell you. It goes
a little something like this.

I was with these two girls,
right ?

And so I was doing
the twin sisters and then
her mother walks in,

and her mother
has a video camera.

So she puts it on the tripod
and she starts to ram it.

It was sort of
a missionary position

Yeah ?
Well, up yours too.

Oh, well,
on to the next one.

Next one ?
There is no next one.

That's nonsense, Julie.
There's that kiddie station
up in wilmette.

Leon, you're gonna have to come
to the realization that we may
never work in radio again.

No, listen, Julie.
That is where you are wrong.

We'll get out of this mess.
Trust me.

Last time I trusted you,
you told the city of Chicago
to do it in the butt.

Yeah. Well, there was
no way to predict that
that was gonna end up so badly.

But look, it'll be
different this time.
Whatever, Leon.

I need to think this through.
Why don't you call me when
you come back to reality.

Don't you worry, Julie.
I'm a man of action.

I have a plan
for this type of thing.

There's only one thing to do.

I'm must go and have sex

and wait for something
to randomly happen.

It'll work out, you'll see.

It will randomly work out !

Score ! Score ! Score !

Yeah. Whoo !

Well, I just had sex, and

U.S. mail !
There's the random occurrence.

I hate
the houseboat guy.

Hey, what's happenin' ?

Shh.
I was bonin' a lady inside.

Say, look at this.
It's a telegram
from jimmie Walker.

Really ?
Ooh, it says, urgent.

Dear Leon. Stop.
The '70s are over. Stop.

Let me see that.

Here's your-oops.

I seem to be dropping
all your mail.

I guess
I'm a clumsy mailman.
You're a bad mailman.

And this is not
from jimmie Walker.

Let's see here.

Gas bill.

Houseboat bill.
Electrical bill.

Ooh, what is this ?

Ooh. It's a lady.

Dearest Leon,
I know it's been a long

my back pressed against
the washing machine

money

this is it !

Dearest Leon,

I know it has been a long time
since we parted ways
that fateful night,

but I still remember
the tender moments
we spent together.

The feeling of your skin
pressed up against mine.

The feeling of my back
pressed up against the wall
of the laundromat.

Mm-hmm.
I remember how you said
I was your one true love.

Time has changed nothing.

I want you even more.

And I have all the money
we'll ever need
to make a fresh start.

Mm-hm.
Come back to me, Leon.
I'm waiting for you

and I've never stopped
thinking of myself

the way you always used to
describe me

as your very special
sweet thing.

You gotta be kidding me.
Uh-uh.

This is the answer to all your
unemployment problems ?
Mm-hmm.

Who is she ?
I don't know.

You don't know ?
Uh-uh.

As you can see,
she did not sign her name,

so I guess she thought
I knew who she was.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.
Yeah.

All I know is that
all my problems,
they are now solved.

Leon, all your problems
will be solved when you get
a job like normal people.

How am I supposed to do that ?
We tried every radio station
in town.

Not every one.
I can still pull a favor,
hopefully,

over at wams from Cyrus.

Cyrus Cunningham ?
Your ex-fiancé ?

The one that
dumped you ?

The one with
the three-inch penis ?

No, Julie, listen.
I can't stand the idea of you

crawling back to that jerk
just because
I got both of us fired.

Listen, baby, the answer
to all of our troubles

is in this rich lady's
letter and her money.

Her money. Leon,
this is a love letter,
not a lottery ticket.

This is a woman
who cared for you,

who you called
by a special pet name.

Who you called
hey, sweet thing.

Hi. Can I get some more
waffles down here ?
Thank you.

I'm sorry.
What were you saying,
sweet thing ?

I'm, uh
I'm sorry about the door.

Do I have the right
place ? I was just

wow ! You're huge.

We know who you are, Barney.

I think you'll be glad
that you decided to come.

What-what is this ?

These are people just like you, Barney.
Hi, Barney.

They, too, have had
their lives shattered

by the sight
of that man's ass.

I caught this
mysterious tattooed guy
and my wife going at it

in July, 1992.

Spring of '89.

December, 1994.

November of '95.

And then April of '96.

And then again
in June of '96.

And then twice more
on January 15, 1997.

And three more times
in the spring of '99

arbor day, cinco de Mayo
and flag day.

That's hal. Don't
make any sudden moves
around him.

It's all right,
man.

What about you ?
I mean, what's your story ?

It was April, 1990.

I was in training
for the U.S. olympic team.

Greco-Roman wrestling.

My wife and I didn't have
a perfect marriage.

Maybe I didn't understand
her needs.

But she definitely didn't
understand my passion

for wrestling.

She didn't understand why Brian,
my wrestling partner, and I

trained constantly.

She didn't understand
the thrill any man would feel

after grabbing a big,
husky guy like Brian

and pinning him down
to the ground

until he squirms and squeals
like a little piglet.

One night,
I went out to train

at-at Brian's.

I returned home only
to find my wife lying there

with a faraway look.

I noticed an open window,

and out of it I saw our man
running through the parking lot.

I would've chased after him,
but I was too sore.

From the training.

Of course, the training.

Right. After that,
I discovered
there were others like me,

and I formed this group.

The point is,

we may not know his name,
but we're onto him.

And one day,
he'll slip up.

And when he does, we're gonna
be there to nail him

and cut his balls off !

Okay, sorry.
Sorry, everyone.

Maybe we won't
actually go that far.

That's yucky.

Well, you don't have to wait
for him to slip up.

He already has.

'Cause when he ran
out of my apartment

look !
He's a circus clown !

Yeah, we already know
about the clothes.

He runs out of
all of our houses
bare-assed, you know.

The clothes really
haven't given us anything.

What ?

Damn it !

I mean, there must be some way
to catch this woman's dude.

Gentlemen,

prepare for battle.

Listen up, everybody.
This will be

our general area
of our search, okay ?

Now, years ago
I was in the army,

and we spent a lot of time
in this area here.

The army, they called it Asia,

but I like to call it
freaky-deeky sex world.

Scrap iron, you're my man.

This will be your area.
I suggest that

you stick to the back streets
and the whorehouses.

I'm right on it.
Good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Scrap, wait a minute. Leon.
Now

this postmark is from Chicago.

Hey.
Let me see that, Lester.

If the lady lives
right here in Chicago,
that ought to be easy.

I mean, you could find
all the women you been with
in town, right ?

That's a very good question,
candy. Yes, I can,

because I have written the names
of all of my very special
sweet ladies down

in this, my black book.

Look at that thing.
And in addition to that,

I have made these photocopies
for you all to take a look at.

That's for you, Lester.
Do you have any idea
who this woman is ?

Yes, I do, because
when I read this letter

I hear a voice
that I connect to a face.

And because I have
what is called 20-20 memory,

that tells me that this is
my very special sweet thing.

Leon Phelps.

You miserable,
fatheaded jackass.
Theresa !

What the hell
are you doing here ?
I hoped you were dead.

No, I'm not dead.
Surprise.

Ew.
What ?

You expect me to let you
stick your tongue in my mouth
after two years ?

Yes, I do.
Ooh, courvoisier.

Let's have a drink.
Come on in, baby.

This is nice.

Leon, why haven't
you called me ?

This is the thing.
They kept changing all those
collect call phone numbers,

so it became really difficult
for me to use the telephone.

Shut it up.
I can't believe this.
Okay.

I meet you under the stands
at a dog track.
You sweet-talk me into leaving.

Next thing, I'm busting slobs
with you in a bathroom
of a Chuck E. Cheese.

You called me
your sweet thing.

Wait a second.
It says here we did it
in a laundromat.

What ?
Yeah.

Didn't you send me this letter
about getting together
and sharing your money, love ?

Mistakes
are sometimes funny.

Listen, I could really
use that drink now.

All right, that's nice.
I got everything but the glass.

Rot in hell, Leon.
Yes, I heard you
the first time.

No, no, no, no, no.
I hope you burn in hell.

Yes, duly noted.
Rotting and burning.

Yes, in hell. I got you.
Your mother looks like
Florida Evans, you scrub !

Listen, there's
no reason to go there.

You mud duck !
Quack on.

Hey, Sandra, it's me, Leon.
What's happening ?

Hey, Margie. What's up ?
It's Leon.
Hi.

How you doing ?
Good to see you.

I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Yeah, I know you gotta go.

Listen, did you
write this letter ?
What ?

No ? Okay.
Go on up there.
Have a good time tonight.

Play some al green
and smack her on the ass.
She likes that.

Hey. How you doin' ?

Hey, what's happening,
Evelyn ? I remember

That was not a good idea.

What's happening, Chicago ?

Ladies, if you are rich
and I boned you,

could you please meet me
at the nacho cart ?

Also, if you are rich
and you want to be boned,

would you please meet me
at the nacho cart ?

Hey, Lester.
I stepped in a time machine.

Oh.
Look at this place.
This place is disgusting.

You don't have to stay long.
Just long enough to meet Leon.

I'm telling you,
he's just what
your station needs.

Leon, this is Cyrus.
Cyrus Cunningham.

Yeah, this is the guy
that dumped you.

You're a lot shorter than
I expected. But the hair
and the shoes, they help out.

Well, Julie, sweetheart,
I said I would meet
your friend and I have.

I wasted a lot of my time
in the process.

Obviously,
you haven't grown up much
since our little mistake.

Look, Cyrus, why don't you
just listen for a second ?

Wams has done quite well
without the help of rejects

and winos and ditsy women
who think they can run
with the big boys.

Listen, if you need a temp job,
let me know, okay ?
Gotta go. Love your place.

Listen, don't talk
to Julie like that.

Excuse me.
What was that, little man ?

I said that you don't talk
to Julie like that.

Don't push up on me
in front of your peeps, okay ?

Don't let the smooth
taste fool you.

I'm from the streets.

Oh, yeah ?
Well, I still live
in the streets

and will occasionally
find myself waking up
in the streets.

That's right.
That's right.

Gentlemen, there will be
no fighting in this bar.

All right, fine.
We can take it outside.

Listen, I'm sorry.
We-we got off
on the wrong foot here.

Um, why don't we just
let bygones be bygones ?

Whatever you say, sugar.
That's fine with me.

Listen, how about you have a
I'd like to offer you
a pickled pig's feet.

I don't think so.

Come on, Johnny Mathis.

You said you from
the streets, brother.
Yeah.

Yeah, well,
Julie told me that
while they were datin',

there were some things that
Cyrus didn't have a taste for.

Interesting.
Hey, hey, hey.

It ain't no thing, all right ?
It ain't no thing.

I was raised on
pig's feet.

I can eat this. Fine.
I can eat it.
If this is what you want, fine.

This is what
you want me to do ?
Mm-hmm.

Just to impress you and
the rest of the sunshine band,
I'll eat it.

That's fine.

See ? I'll eat it here.
Cut it up a little bit
and eat it like that. See ?

There.

Perhaps you thought I'd recoil
from your bar food, but

you want some pickled eggs ?
I'd love some pickled eggs.
That'd be nice.

One pickled dish at a time.
Why are we gonna

okay, I'll stay
for one pickled egg.

Look, everybody.
People are actually eating
the bar food.

All right, boys, eat up.
The food is free.

It disappears.
Pickled egg you want,
pickled egg you got.

This ain't the welfare.
This is the good stuff.

Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm !

Hey, how about
some prairie oysters ?
Ooh, prairie oysters !

They are really good.
Come on. Bring it on.
Let's go.

Look like a chitlin to me.
Prairie oysters. Mmm !

Oh, yeah, look at that.
Oh, yeah, it's fresh.

This is gonna be so good.
I haven't had these
since yesterday.

Mmm !
It's an acquired taste.

Take your time.

Hmm ?
Good, huh ?

Spicy hog balls.

Not the hog balls.

Spicy hog balls.
Where'd you find these ?

Ooh, look at that.
They got two balls.

And they going right down here.
Mmm ! Mmm !

Oh ! Yes, indeed.
Look at them.

Eat all you want, boys.
Eat all you want.

Show him how
to do it, Leon.

Mmm !
Mmm, mmm, mmm !

How you boys doing ?

So, is that it ?

I've eaten more exotic foods
than that.

How about
a piece de resistance ?
Hmm.

Back-bottom gristle lumps.
Special of the house.

Practically nobody
eats these.

I don't remember seeing
those on the menu either.
Oh, these are good.

These are new.
The best !

These are mine.
No, no, no.
No way. No way !

They're mine.
Get the hell off of them !

Jeez !

Don't be fighting over
gristle lumps. Come on, now.

There you go, now.
That's a nice one.
That's a nice one.

Just some gristle lumps.
Gristle lump you want,
gristle lump you got.

I got your gristle lump.

Savor the flavor.
Mm-hmm.

Got some hot sauce
to go with that too.

Mmm. I did it.
That's right. You sure did.

I did it.
You did it all right.
I'm proud of you.

I did it. I did it !

I've never seen anything
like this in my life.

Boy, you just
done ate some shit.

Some what ?
You just ate some human shit.

Human shit ?
Human shit ?

Why would you bottle
human shit ?

What possible holiday would you
bottle human shit for ?

That's the funniest idea yet !
You people are sick !

That's the first time
it's ever worked.

We scored so big.

You know that that was
our last chance
at a steady paycheck.

Mm-hmm.
But I feel good.
I feel real good.

Well, that's good,
because listen,
there's no way

that I was gonna let that dude
disrespect my Julie twice.

So, listen, excuse me.

I will be going to the bathroom
to puke up a hog ball.

Gentlemen, we've been waiting
for this day for a long time.

This man, this ladies man,

thought he could take
something from us,
something we hold sacred.

He tried to take our manhood.
Was he successful ?
No !

No, he was not. Why ?
Because we're men among men.

That's right !
Yeah !
Super men !

And from this moment on,
I declare
our supreme manliness !

I feel like this
is something really special

something tells me
this is truly grand

I've got a brand-new lease
on life now

and it's all because we're
gonna get the ladies man

that's right !

All at once the search
is truly over

everything is happening
as planned

I hope he's naked
and good-looking

and it's all because we're
gonna get this ladies man

that's right !

When we catch him, we're gonna cut his balls off.
You bet !

I don't know
what I'm feeling

I never felt
like this before

I want to sing
from a mountaintop

and let my true heart soar

Going up.

I can't believe
it's finally over

all of my dreams
are near at hand

I'm gonna kill
that dirty bastard

the time has come
to kill the ladies man

the time has come
to kill the ladies man
that's right !

His name is Leon Phelps.
I fired him a week ago.

Say, is that a picture
of him over there ?

Yes. Yes, it is.
That's your man.

That's, uh
that's Leon Phelps.

Leon Phelps.

Where might we find
this Leon Phelps ?

Oh, you might try
his houseboat,

or that gin tank
called Lester's lounge.

And when you find him,
tell him to come in
and pick up this crap.

What's this ?
Fan mail

from all the sluts
he's been banging
for the past couple of years.

A lot of these
are from my wife.

You thought I wrote this ?
Yeah, I did.

Sorry, Leon.
I'm not really interested
in settling down right now.

You're on in ten minutes.

Excuse me. I'll
just be a minute changing.

This is a nice place.
It looks like you've finally
made the big-time.

Yeah, my work is everything
to me right now.

That's why I couldn't dream
of settling down.

In fact, the only thing
that ever compared

to the thrill
of my performances

were those wild nights
we had together in bed.

Yeah, we did some pretty
messed-up junk.

Hey, Leon.
Yes ?

I've got a crazy idea.

I've got a few minutes
before I go on.

Let's have a quickie
for old time's sake.

That's not a crazy idea.
I like that idea
and I will support it.

Let's do it like we used to
real nasty !

Listen, maybe it's not
a good idea. We don't have
the time to do this.

We'll do it real quick.
Come on, baby.
You know what bloopy likes.

Okay, listen, bloopy ?

I'm about to go on.
I have to stay in character.

Now, give it to me,
you stud.

Take it easy there, bloopy.
Bloopy's gonna lick you
all over your body.

Okay, listen.
I don't know.

Oh, what the hell.

I can't believe
it's finally over

all of my dreams
are near at hand

I'm gonna kill
that dirty bastard

the time has come
to kill the ladies man

the time has come
to kill the ladies man

that's right !

Hal, why don't
you just
yeah.

He's not here, guys.

This stinks.

This stinks, he's not here
and this stinks

and we know why he's not here
because he's not

he's gone

so, this is where he lives.

Well, tasteful.

Gentlemen,
let's torch it.

Hey.
Let's go !

We really didn't
think that through.

That place was full
of pleather and Cologne.

It was quite a thrill, though,
when it went up in flames.

Ah, gentlemen,
can I help you ?

A round of beers for my men.
Yeah !

Is there something else
I can help with ?
I think there is. My card.

We're also looking
for this man.

His name is Leon Phelps.

He also goes by the ladies man.
Yeah !

You guys friends of his ?
You might say that.

We want to kill him.

Well, he doesn't
hang out here.

What would you want
to kill a guy like
that for anyway ?

He's a dangerous thief
of hearts.

He seduced my wife.
He screwed all our women !

Yeah !

So that's why you want
to kill Leon Phelps.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's why
we wanna kill him.
And we're going to.

We're going to catch him
and cut off his
tiny little pecker.

Tiny little pecker ?
You're not talking about
that's him !

Get him !

See you later !
How does he do it ?

He's outsmarted us again.
Lance, his little black book.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes,
this is good.

This is very good !

Why is it very good ?
It's the book of
all of his numbers.

This is not cool.
This is unfair.

I did not do anything
to deserve this.

My houseboat.
It's my houseboat !

Why ?

Mm.

This is how my uncle
taught us to drink tea.

You put your pinkie up.
Then take it to your lips,
like this.

Julie.
Come on in.

Your friend Leon
has made some suggestions

pertaining to us
and our love life.

I'm so glad
you invited Leon here
to spend this time with us.

I didn't invite Leon

as far as I'm concerned,
he can stay as long as he wants.

I'll drink to that.
I do too.

If you got some courvoisier,
we could pour some of that
in here too.

Julie, when am I
gonna see your room ?

I am Julie's piano

I am Julie's piano

that's a song
I wrote for you.

Look, you got your nice
little stuffed animals there.

And look at that nice poster
of Rick astley.

Okay, I told you
this was temporary.

You don't have
to tease me.
Yes, I do.

I'd like to remind you,
young lady,

about the trailer park of
the sea line, my houseboat

which I don't
have anymore.

Oh, man.

You know something, Julie ?
I'm realizing that my life
really sucks.

You know whose fault it is,
don't you ?

It is the fault of the wang.
I should cut this thing off.

You're not gonna
cut it off.
I know.

That's the craziest thing
I've ever thought of.

But I just can't live
like this anymore.

I'm so tired of being
the ladies man.

You know, you were never
the ladies man to me.

Really ?
Really.

No, to me you've always been
just plain old Leon Phelps.

A lonely, misguided

idiot.

You know something, Julie ?
Hmm ?

I think that you wrote
the mystery letter.

Yeah ! Leon, I've never
had sex with you,

especially not
in a laundromat.

Yeah, that is true.

You know what ?

It would've been really nice
if you had written this letter.

Oh, yeah ?
Yeah.

You know, a girl like you,
that's what I need.

I don't need
some crazy mystery lady.

Well, how could you find
a girl like me ?

Yeah, how can I find
a girl like you ?

She'd have to be single.

That would be
really nice this time.
Yeah.

And she'd have to be
attractive.

Yeah, well,
you have that.

She'd have to have parents
that wouldn't throw you off
the porch.

Yeah, that would
be really nice.

And she'd have to have
known you long enough

to finally realize
what a wonderful person
you're capable of being.

Julie, can you
do that again ?

All this time

like the stormy sea

reaching for the sky

all this time

that's it.

That is it.
What ? What ?

Delune.

Delune !

Delune, delune.

Honey delune !

Sweet thing is
honey delune !

That is it !

Oh, my god !

I am rich !

Look out, Chicago !
The ladies man is back !

Yes !

Well, there goes Leon Phelps,
chasing his dream.

But here's a funny thing
about running after a dream

sometimes you find what you
were dreaming about was right
in front of you all along.

Lester, could you
just shut up and give me
the number for honey delune ?

Right.

Just thought you could use
a little advice.

Okay.

5, 9

hello ?
Guess who, sweet thing !

Leon ? Leon Phelps ?

That's right, baby.
It's your laundromat
love machine.

Oh, my god ! It is !

So you got my letter,
right ?
Mm-hmm.

Oh, when so much time
went by, I thought

maybe you didn't
want to have anything
to do with me.

I guess that was silly,
huh ?
Yes, it was.

It was downright stupid, baby.

Ever since
we last saw each other,

I have had this aching
in my soul.
Oh, you did ?

Yeah. So how about I come
over there and go to town
on your money and your ass ?

Oh ! Heh-heh !

Oh, uh, Leon,
you're gonna have to give me
a little bit of time.

What the hell for ?
To tie up some loose ends.

Baby, I want to leave
my whole life behind
and run away with you.

How does a trip around the world
sound for starters ?

Are you paying for it ?
Of course.

Well, that sounds good.
Wonderful.

Um, come by and pick me up
tomorrow night. Okay ?

All right.
Sure, sweet thing.
Ha ha !

Were you talking on
the phone just now ?
No, sweetheart.

Good.

Nice try, my friend.
Hello, Mrs. Delune.

Hi, Brian.

Here comes the pterodactyl.
Hope you like it.

Who's that lady
who's that lady

beautiful lady
hey !

Yo !
What's up, aloysius ?

My main man !
I need some new stuff.

Man, I got you covered, baby.
This is all right.

This is the darkest brown
you got ?
Yeah.

That's German chocolate.
Can't get no deeper than that.
Yeah. Aloysius

I think you got a deal.
Yeah. Mm !

Mm !

Get up
on the downstroke

everybody get up
yeah.

Get up on the downstroke
that's right.

Mm-hm.
Get up on the downstroke

player of the year.

You the man now.
Get up on the downstroke

everybody get up
cleaner than
a broke-dick dog.

Everybody get up

Hey, Leon !
Yeah, that's right.
It's me.

Hey, there, Leon !

You like that ?
I don't believe this.

Custom-made, $100.

You look like
monkey d.
Thank you very much.

I just got off the phone with my
sweet thing. She is gonna take
me on a trip around the world.

Wow ! Where you
gonna go, Leon ?

Well, basically,
around the world, you know.

We'll go to Paris, of course.
We might go to France.

Acapulco, Sweden,
maybe the Solomon Islands.

You know.
Well, Leon,
you finally made good.

That's the way I like
to look at it, you know.

When a man works hard
all his life

and dorks hundreds of ladies,
many of whom he don't
even remember,

you'd like to think that
at the end of the day

he'll be given a lot of money
without having to earn it.

I believe that, yes.

So, yes, I think I have
found true happiness.
And I raise my glass.

To happiness.
To happiness.

Happiness !
Thank you.

Mmm !

That is good courvoisier.

I would love to stay
and have another one,
like I usually do,

but I cannot keep the future
Mrs. Leon Phelps waiting.

So I bid you adieu.
See you on the other side
of the tracks.

Take care of yourself.
All right, scrap.

Julie,
you made it just in time.

I'm on my way to see
the girl of my dreams.

Yeah. Now, that's
what I'm talkin' about.

Leon Phelps.

Damn !
Baby, what happened
to your face ?

This is nothin'.
It's just one of those
bioré patches, that's all.

Sorry about that.
I brought you some flowers.

They look and feel plastic,
but they smell real.

And also I bought you a box
of my favorite Mexican wine.
Oh. Oh, wow !

It's a little heavy.

Well, you've always
been sogiving.

Mm.
Why don't you come on in ?

I will. This is my house,
after all. Right ?

I mean, this is my statue,
and this is my carpet.

This is my mirror.

That's my urn.

And that is
my frieze.

Why don't you go have
a seat in the living room,
and I'll fix you a drink.

Yeah, that
sounds good.

Let me see if
I remember
cour

courvoisier, yes.
That is the drink.

Yeah. This is a nice place
you got here.

It's no houseboat,
but it's nice.

Can we sell it ?
Just kiddin'.

My god, this is a butt-load
of cash you got here.

Is this ours ?
Well, it's ours now.

Well, that's nice,
but you should put
that in a safer place,

like a bank
or somethin'.

Stop talking.

I want you to take me,
wild man.
Now ?

Yes, now. My husband
won't be back for hours.
Your husband ?

Yeah. You might have to
kill him, but I don't think
it'll come to that.

You better be sure it's safe,
because I can guarantee
if it was not safe

I would never do something
of this nature.

Because over the years
I have learned to not do

unsafe things,
you understand.

Because
shut up and kiss me.

Okay, listen,
this is very nice,
but

okay
hey, Macarena

listen,
this is not cool.

Why don't we talk first ?
We never get to really
whoa !

We're never gonna
catch this guy.
Calm down, Barney.

You've gotta take that
defeatist attitude
and subdue it.

Wrestle it to the ground.

Pin its-its
well-oiled and

musky form down hard.

Let it feel your-your

soft breath on
on the back of its neck.

I mean
you know what i'm

trying to get at.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, sure.
You bet.

Yes ! Yes ! Yes !
No, no. No.

Listen,
I can't do it.
What ?

I can't do it.
It's not workin'.
It looks fine.

Oh, no,
that is workin'.
Yeah.

But I can't do it.
Somethin' is wrong.

You see, I

I know I'm in control
of my personal world.

Nothing will ever
violate my

my personal space.

That's for sure.
Whoops. Butterfingers.

Let me just grab these keys,
and we'll be right inside.

Something is wrong.
I can't do this.

You know, I think
that I'm in love.
What ?

Yeah. When you sent
that letter, all I could
think about was the money.

But then when we started
to do it, all I could think
about was Julie's face.

I don't mean like thinkin'
about some hot chick
when you're bonin' a skank.

This was sensitive.

Gentlemen, please step into
the Serenity

of my beautiful foyer.

All right.
All right.

Listen-listen, honey,
I don't think this is
a good idea.

I'm telling you
remember how

yeah, I know
gettin' it together.

Hi, sweetheart.
Have you met Leon Phelps ?

Yeah, what's happenin' ?

Son of a bitch !
Don't say son of a bitch.
That's not nice.

What's wrong with
you fellas ?

Oh, my god !

My wife had that ?
Yeah, she did.

Fellas, I can understand
you bein' angry,

but you can't blame
the wang.

Well, he's got
a point.

I mean,
that's a beauty.

Kill him !

Yeah !
Yeah !
No !

Yeah, you heard
what he said. No !

I've waited longer
for this than anyone.

Gentlemen he's mine.

And he's dead.
Yeah !
Yeah !

Don't drink
so much whiskey, girl

it ain't no good for you
you know you're
too pretty, girl

you don't know
what whiskey can do to you

talk to her, lord.
Please talk to her.

I told you we were
a lot alike.

It's all right, baby.
Men are pigs.

The only way to deal
with them is booze.

Booze and penicillin.

I swear,
I never thought I could
be taken in again

by another insincere man.

Easy. Easy, girl.
That's one rambunctious guzzle
you got there.

I drank that one
for Leon's one true love.

Rot in hell,
honey delune.

In hell !

Did you say that woman's name
was honey delune ?

That's what she said.
If that's her name, Leon is
in a whole lot of trouble.

Why is that ?
That's the wife of the dude
who wants to kill Leon.

Somebody wants
to kill Leon ?
Mm-hmm.

My Leon ?
Yup.

Lance ! Lance !
Lance ! Lance !

Lance ! Lance !
Lance ! Lance !

Lance ! Lance !
Lance ! Lance !

Lance ! Lance !
Lance ! Lance !

Lance ! Lance !
Lance ! Lance !
I am going to wrestle you.

You really don't
have to do this.

I was just saying
to your wife honey
that I'm a changed man.

And if I can have
the self-control to not bone
a lady as fine as she is

she can do that amazing thing
with her tongue-you know
what I'm talkin' about

that should be reason enough
to let me go.

Kill ! Kill !
Kill ! Kill !

Oh, yes. I'm going
to enjoy this.

Oil ?

No, that's all right.
Oh.

Well, i-I'm still
going to enjoy this.

But definitely not as much.
And that makes me angry.

I am a master of greco-Roman wrestling.
Yeah !

I will crush you,

and you will learn
a new definition of pain !

Totally !
Yeah !

All right !

Are you sure you don't want just
a dab ? It's a lemon essence,
and it is delightful.

Mm.
Ah

you'd better take the oil,
Leon. It's pretty rough
without the oil.

No, that's all right.
I'm good.
Okay. Suit yourself.

And Lance, dear,
can you kick ass quietly ?

10-4, apricot.

Now, Leon Phelps,
prepare to meet your doom.

Yeah !
Yeah !

Cry havoc, and set
free the dogs of war !

Yeah !
Yeah !

Vengeance is mine !
Aa-aah !

Ooh ! Ooh ! Ooh !

Ooh !

O-O-Ohh !

Ow ! You punched me.
Yeah.

That is not wrestling !
Hello !

Boss, you want us
to let him go now, or

he's got a gun !
What, are you crazy,
round boy ?

No, we don't let him go !
Get back in there !

This guy's ruined my life !

Get me the bolt cutters.

This man has stolen
our manhood.
Cuckoo !

It's time to
take it back.

Cut his balls off !
Wait a second !

Aarrgh !
Before you do
what you're about to do,

there's something
I want to say, all right ?

Now listen.
All you men here with
wives or girlfriends

or sisters or mothers,

yes, I did sex them up
a little bit.

Kill him !
Wait a second. There's
something else I wanna say.

In most cases,
it was really good.

Kill !
No, hold on !

I didn't force myself
onto your women.

I simply gave them somethin'
that you all wasn't givin' them.

Like frank.
You, for instance.
Yeah ?

Your wife, she loves you, man.
She does ?

Yes. She always used
to call out your name when
I was rockin' on top of her.

She did ?
Yeah. And hal.

Me ?
Hal, hal, hal.

All your old lady ever wanted
was you to spend time
gettin' her in the mood.

Really ?
Yeah. And you never did,
did you ?

Say it loud.
No.

You see ?

And Lance.
Well, Lance,
you're clearly gay.

There's nothing really else
to say about that.
I think you all know that.

That's cool. But you
were tryin' to oil me up,
and that's not really cool.

You all need to listen
to your ladies.

You need to say to her,
baby, what is it
that you want ?

Or, do you want
to do it in the butt ?

No ? Okay, well, let's
move on to somethin' else.
You just need to listen.

I know that now, because I,
too, have a woman that I love.

Her name is Julie,
and I never listened to her.

I was too busy trying to be
Leon Phelps, the ladies man,

instead of Leon Phelps,
the man.

Leon
just a second, Julie,
I got-Julie !

That was beautiful.

You're not getting off
the hook this time.

No, Lance, no !
Lance, Lance.

Nuts !
Al's right.

Hey, hey ! Watch it !
He's not the problem.

I-I'm the problem.

Look what it's
done to us.

It's turned us crazy !
Whoa ! Whoa !

I'm sorry, Lance.
I'm going home.

No-o-o !

No !

Lance !

Lance !

Lance !

I'm sorry.
That was way too dramatic.

I'm actually with these guys.
You're all right in my book.

See you later.
Take care.

Well, there goes Leon Phelps.

His days as the fastest
and loosest wang in town
may be over,

but it's not the end of
his story by a long shot.

In fact, he got

hi.
Hi.

Let's go.
Yes. Let's.

In fact, Leon got his show back.

His popularity grew
and grew until he was one of
the biggest deejays in town.

His face appeared on
the nation's most popular brand
of hog balls.

Ladies man became america's number-one radio talk show.
No, it's not you.

Your husband is
a little insecure because
he's retirin', that's all.

Don't worry.
It's a passing thing.
Okay, Hillary ?

Now, I will see you and bill
this weekend. Okay ? Bye-bye.

All right. You're listening
to the ladies man,
the coast-to-coast love line

with all the right responses
to your romantic queries.

And I think we got time
for one more call.

Hello ? Ladies man ?
Hey, it's a lady.

How do you know
when you're really,
truly in love ?

That's a good question.

I can tell you how
I felt when I knew
I was truly in love.

It happened when
I met someone

that made everything
that I enjoy in life

a little bit
more special.

Plus, I felt it
in my pants.

Well, that is
all the time we have.

Until next time,
this has been the ladies man.

Get up on the downstroke

everybody, get up

get up on the downstroke

everybody get up

Yeah, yeah

o-o-oh, baby

oh, baby

baby

sexy situation

givin' you old-school love

ooh, yeah

anything you can think of

yeah, oh

All right

Yeah, yeah

yeah

Yeah, baby

oh

Yeah, baby

Oo-oo-ooh

right in front of me

right before my eyes

all this time

like the stormy sea

reaching for the sky

all this time

after all this time

I looked into your eyes

and I fell
so in love with you

hey, hey, hey you know
it took some time to see

that you were meant for me

oh, oh, oh, oh
and I was made for you

all this time

right in front of me

right before my eyes

hey, yeah

all this time

like the stormy sea

reaching for the sky

all this time

right before my eyes

hey, yeah

all this time

like the stormy sea

reaching for the sky

all this time