All language subtitles for The Magnificent Seven Deadly Sins (1971) BRRip.ENG

- Oh, that's beautiful,
Gregory, beautiful.

Slowly in, slowly.

That's fine.

Keep your hands up, darling.

That's lovely.

Yes, keep on the head, Gregory.

Slowly pan down.

Splendid.

Now, how about the hands
on the hips, darling, eh?

Oh, that's very good, baby.

Now, how about just a
little smile to the camera?

Oh, that's beautiful.

Come around, baby.

Don't be shy.

That's nice.

Now, to the right.

Yes, yes, now to the left.

Oh, very good.

I should explain
that this sequence

has nothing to do with the
film you are about to see,

unless, of course, you
call being a peeping Tom

one of...

which it isn't.

It's just that this
young lady happens to be

a close personal friend
of mine and I promised

to get her into pictures.

I'll see you back in
the dressing room, baby.

All right, Gregory.

Let us look at the
opening credits.

Idiot.

Okay, Arnold.

Roll 'em.

Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

What are those numbers
doing up there?

Arnold, keep your
mind on your work.

Now what's going on?

Arnold, stop living in the past.

Oh, no.

No, not again.

Arnold, stop showing
your home movies.

Arnold.

Right, Arnold, let us
show them the first scene.

And it's not that one.

Clayton.

Good morning, Mr. Elsinore.

Clayton, give me a cigarette.

Help yourself, Sir.

- I don't know how you
smoke these things.

Sorry, Sir.

Clayton?

Can I fill you up, Sir?

- No, a packet of
tissues, please.

Packet of tissues?

Yes.

Right, then.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for your custom.

Do call again.

- I embarrassed you
there, didn't I, Clayton?

No, no, Sir.

What?

Yes, Sir.

Quite.

Which is why I'm the man
in the back of the Daimler

and you are driving it.

- Ah, but money isn't
everything, Sir.

You see, what I always
say is we're all given--

- I don't know what
you were talking about

behind that glass plate
of yours, Clayton.

One thing I'm sure
of, it was wrong.

Money isn't everything?

Let me tell you
something, Clayton.

Everything comes
to he who takes,

not he who waits.

Talking about waiting,

I'm going to the office, now.

You'll wait here.

I'll be going to
the city shortly.

Understand?

Yes, Sir.

Oh.

Just a moment.

What do you think you're doing?

- There's a fifty-pence
piece there, Sir.

It's gone down the drain, Sir.

Well, it wasn't ours, was it?

It certainly wasn't ours.

It was mine and you've lost it.

It's your fault.

No, Sir--

- If you hadn't tried to steal
it from me in the first place

it wouldn't have
gone down there.

I didn't--

- You've lost my
fifty-pence piece.

No, you see, you've got--

- I don't want your
fifty-pence piece.

I want my fifty-pence piece.

Well, what can I do, Sir?

- If you want to impress
me with your capabilities,

you'll get it for me.

- Mr. Elsinore, I shall
get that fifty-pence piece

even if I have to dig up
half of London to do it.

Good lad, Clayton.

- Here, do you reckon
he's having a faint?

No, he's probably a student.

- What do you reckon
he's partying?

May I?

Well, I--

I don't think this
is gonna work.

Well, it don't matter anyway.

Half the fun of fishing is
just sitting there, isn't it?

I can't wait about.

I'll have to get down there.

Help.

♪ When I'm calling you

♪ Ooo ooo ooo

That's not funny anymore.

That could have made
me slip, that could.

You know what that
means in our business.

Right.

You keep your gear on.

♪ When I'm calling you

♪ Ooo Ooo Ooo

- Have you got permission
to fish down that drain?

- A fellow lost some
money down there.

Where is he then?

He's gone down after it.

Are you pulling my leg?

I wouldn't mind.

No one down there.

Look here.

I've got a strike.

Hey.

There is someone down there.

Hey, hey.

What's going on here?

Hey.

Oh.

Who are you, then?

I'm a chauffeur.

- You haven't got
your car down here?

No, I haven't.

Oh.

That's all right then,

because driving's not
allowed down here.

I'm caught on this fish hook.

Fishing's not allowed either.

Here, what's your
bleeding game up there?

Language, language.

There are ladies up here.

Where?

- If you can see my buttons
gleaming down there,

you'll know that you're
talking to a WPC.

A Well-Protected Crotch?

They've got no
jurisdiction down here.

- Can
you hear me down there?

- Shall we sharp-bandy
words with the likes of her?

No.

Would you just get
this fish hook?

- Come down here, telling
us how to run our sewers.

Can you hear me down there?

Hello?

Don't you walk away from me.

Hello?

You won't escape
from me, you know.

Hello?

What was it you lost again?

A fifty-pence piece.

In a tin can?

In a tin can.

Down that hold back there?

Yes.

That hole back there.

Right.

Now, let's see.

You got your main
flow running East.

Now, that's deflected by
the inlet from the West End.

Very nasty area, that West End.

Let me see.

What are you doing?

Testing the warm air currents.

We've got a lot of warm
air currents through here.

All the warm air
comes through in here.

We've got about a
three-knot flow.

Should be well up your
North Passage by now.

Up there.

You can't miss it.

Help.

Oh, you did.

- Here, what do you
reckon he does with

the fish he catches?

I reckon he throws 'em back.

Thank God for that.

- If I'd known you
were so lovely,

I'd have never shouted at you.

Oh, you startled me.

I think I've got something.

You filthy beast.

What?

- Think you can do
what you please?

- You're not even safe
in a sewer nowadays.

North Passage.

Mr. Elsinore?

I've found it.

Mr. Elsinore?

Thank you.

Not a bad day.

Anyone seen a chauffeur?

I think he went down that way.

Bloody fool.

Clayton? Clayton?

Mr. Elsinore, I found it.

Good, because you're fired.

But I found it, Mr. Elsinore.

I found it.

Mr. Elsinore? I found it.

Mr. Elsinore, there's a--

Mr. Elsinore?

I found it, Mr. Elsinore.

- I'm trying to
make a picture and

I'm getting no co-operation
and no collaboration

of any kind.

Suddenly, everyone
has disappeared.

They're all expecting
me to do this

whole thing on my own.

For heaven's sake,
where is everybody?

Why can't I get any
help, or even assistance?

Where has everybody got
to, for heaven's sake?

- Envy,
Scene One, Take One.

That's it.

That's the house I want.

I've always envied that house.

When I used to walk past it,

I used to think how
lovely to live there.

- I don't think
that one's for sale.

Well, make them an offer.

You won't know until
you've made them an offer.

Besides, who was it
that stuck the pin

in the football coupon?

You, love.

- And who was it who come
up with 250,000 pounds

first dividend?

You, love.

Right.

Well, that's the house I want.

- But what
shall I say to them?

How do I know?

You're the one who's
got all the chat,

you and your amateur dramatics.

Operatics.

It's all the same.

And don't talk common.

Do your posh voice,

the one you done in
The Student Prince.

It's all right, dear.

I'll go.

- Have you ever
thought of moving?

Moving?

Yes, moving.

Moving what?

- Well, there's some lovely
houses in this area, no?

Look at this one.

Six beds, four receps,
oil-fired central heating.

This one.

Eight beds, two
baths, two receps.

Thank you, not today.

All right then.

Sell this one, then look around.

No, not today.

- I'll give you a
good price, you know.

35,000 pounds.

Good of you to call.

Good day.

37,000.

- Who was that at
the door, dear?

- Sort of a traveling
estate agent.

He was selling houses.

You didn't buy one I hope.

Oh, no. Never.

- Doesn't do to buy things
from people at the door.

Look at the brushes I bought.

38,000.

I saw Mr. Parker today.

How is he?

38,000 cash.

I can make out a check now.

I've got the checkbook.

Look.

- He said his leg
was much better.

Good.

All right, then

40,000.

- You know, we haven't had a
rummage in the attic for ages.

No, we have.

Let's.

Yes.

You can have it all in fivers.

We've got plenty of cash.

My wife's not short
of a bob or two.

I made them an offer.

They're thinking about it.

About three minutes.

How long do they want?

Get back in.

Right, love.

Have you decided yet?

Hello? Hello?

I did knock, but
nobody answered.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Do you mind if I
have a look around?

I say, do you mind if
I have a look around?

Yoo-hoo.

I say.

Hello?

Have you made up your mind yet?

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were in there.

There's a house
going on the river

for 35,000 and it's
got two more rooms.

- Darling, you really
must lock this door.

Anybody might come in on you.

Strangers, or anybody.

- If you want more time
to think about it, say so.

I've made her an offer.

She's thinking about it.

I'll be in touch, then.

I'll be in touch.

I say, if I come
back in half an hour,

could you let me--

Are they letting us have it?

They didn't say.

Well, go back and ask them.

Go back and ask them?

Are you going to let us have it?

Well? Are they selling?

I don't think so.

Oh, yes they are.

We can't make them, you know.

Of course we can.

How?

Subterfuge.

Resident's Association.

I wonder if you could
sign this, old man?

It's a petition about
the new airport.

Airport?

Yes.

They'll be taking off
right over your heads.

They've all signed,
all the neighborhood.

But, why--?

Because of the hideous--

the noise.

- I'm sorry, I can't
quite hear you.

It will be deafening.

What will?

The noise.

What noise?

The airplanes.

What airplanes?

- The airplanes at the
new airport they're

building up the road.

- Are they building
it up the road?

Oh, yes.

Then certainly I'll sign.

Oh, you don't know the
favor you're doing me.

It will be a boon, won't it?

Save all that dreadful
journey out to Heathrow.

Splendid, splendid.

Good morning.

- Just check it over and
sign there, would you?

Just to say you've had it.

I haven't had it yet.

- You're going to
have it right now.

Am I?

Aye. And here it is.

- What am I supposed
to do with it?

Fire it, of course.

That's your distress rocket,

and here's your rubber dinghy.

Hello?

Oh, there you are.

Issued to everybody
in case of danger.

I'm not in danger, am I?

If that new embankment goes,

you'll be 40 feet underwater.

But not to worry.

You'll have two minutes warning.

Only two minutes?

Well, thirty seconds really,

but we don't want to
panic people, do we?

No.

That's the idea.

Here's your life belt.

You'd better put it
on straight away.

Do I have to wear it?

Night and day.

Next to my skin?

Anyway you like.

It's not very pretty, is it?

Well, have I got everything?

I suppose you have, really.

- Where would you like
me to put this, dear?

- You put it where
you like, darling.

What's this cord you've
got hanging down here?

I think you'll have to stop
rubbing that cream on, darling.

Hello there, mon.

I'm your new next-door neighbor.

Oh.

- Yes, just moved
in with the family.

The wife's family, the
cousin's family and

the two brother-in-law's family.

All 22 just moved in.

22 people?

No, 22 families.

And now we're all
going to open a

Caribbean calypso
club next door.

So, anytime you
want any of that old

West Indian music, mon,

just come along in there.

Oh, mon, that music.

- Excuse my asking, but you
are colored, aren't you?

Of course, definitely.

Splendid.

Because I believe you
people are the only ones

who can make that kind of music.

I could listen to it all night.

- I must say, I think
they've done a good job.

I should hope so.

It cost enough.

- Just delivering
your newspaper.

- You're the man who offered
us 40,000 for the house.

Yes, Sir, I am,

but I do a newspaper round
on the side, you see.

It all helps out.

Good morning.

Oh, I say.

Bad news?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Something wrong then?

Good heavens.

It will come straight
through here then.

Yes.

All this stuff will
be coming down.

Yes.

I suppose you
wouldn't still be--?

I might be.

It's only the land
they're after, you see.

Oh, oh.

Well, it's all yours.

I knew we'd get it.

I just knew.

Yes.

Oh, by the way.

They were right about the road.

Oh, yes?

Oh, yes.

Ready, darling?

Yes, sweetheart.

Take that thing away.

No, no.

Find one for yourself.

Ten?

No, I guess not.

Get back, get back.

- Beautiful,
darling. Beautiful.

I will make you an
underwater star, my liebchen.

Now, just wave your tentacles
to show that you love him.

Oh, that's fantastic.

You don't have to
overplay, baby.

What happened to the lights?

That's the one I want.

Are you quite sure?

Positive.

I have others.

No, that's the one I want.

- Well, you're the
one who's paying.

Jean?

Is that what you had in mind?

- That's exactly
what I had in mind.

Right. Bob?

Beautiful, baby, beautiful.

- And in our Spring campaign
for Slimmo Biscuits,

we can't over-emphasize
the perils of over-eating.

We must also think thin
and fight fat that is fatal

with Slimmo Biscuits.

Sign for it on behalf
Slimmo Biscuits,

Stockholm, AB, Richard
Clements, advertising manager.

How many copies?

To all departments.

- You really believe
in our product,

don't you, Mr. Clements?

- Miss Johnson, how could
a man sell a product

unless he believes in
it with all his heart?

Eight Slimmo Biscuits
a day and you'll have

no desire for any other food.

You did say all departments?

You really do love those
biscuits, don't you?

What is it?

Miss Benson just rang down.

She'll be coming to see
you in five minutes.

Thank you.

Come in.

- Can you spare
me a few moments?

Yeah, yeah of course.

- You sure I'm not
disturbing you?

No, no.

No, not at all.

Uh-uh.

I realized we never
had the chance

to discuss the new
campaign properly.

Well, I suppose we could.

- It's so difficult with
all the distractions

in the office.

Yes, it is.

- If you would care to come
to my apartment one evening,

we might have a better chance.

Yes.

We might.

And also, we might have--

and now I am going to suggest

something rather naughty.

Oh?

- Braised duckling,
new potatoes, petit
pois and stuffing.

But we couldn't.

What would they say?

Do they have to know?

But you're the Vice President.

You were the one who said

we must all keep
our weight down.

And so we must, Dickie.

But this is a very
special occasion.

It's a chance for us to
get to know each other.

So, Thursday evening,
eight o'clock.

My place.

Right?

Right.

Petit pois.

Braised duck

and stuffing.

Oh.

- Organically sound
but you've put on

five pounds, 15 ounces.

But I couldn't have.

The scales never lie.

What do you weigh?

Nine stone four.

Now, what have you been eating?

- All I've had is eight
Slimmo Biscuits a day.

What are you doing?

What's this?

And this?

Now, look--

And this? And this?

You're a walking repository
of carbohydrates.

As company doctor, I'm
duty-bound to report anyone

who's shown signs of obesity.

But, you wouldn't.

- Well, I might
overlook it this time.

What have you had to eat today?

Well, there was this doughnut.

Cream?

Jam.

Jam?

A bowl of rice pudding.

Bowl of rice pudding.

And a sandwich.

A sandwich?

Contents of sandwich?

Ham.

York?

Virginia. Honey-baked.

Oh, God.

Cheese.

Cheddar?

Dutch. Danish bleu. Castello.

Oh, my God.

- Salami sausage, tomato
sauce, and it was toasted.

And it was toasted.

There's only one answer for you.

Plan B.

Plan B?

But that's only two
Slimmo Biscuits a day.

Exactly.

And you'll remain on Plan
B for at least two weeks.

Otherwise--

Excuse me.

I must go and have
a quick conference.

- Baked Virginia ham,
Dutch Danish bleu,

salami sausage and tomato sauce.

And it was toasted.

Oh.

Braised duck.

New potatoes.

Petit pois.

And stuffing.

Braised duckling.

New potatoes.

Petit pois and stuffing.

- I just came to
tell you it's off.

What is?

The duck.

They've got me on Plan B.

Never mind.

It will do you all
the good in the world,

make you a lot fitter.

How do you know?

I invented it.

After all, look
what it did for me.

We must watch our calories.

Yes, we must.

Oh, I was so looking
forward to that duck.

Is that it?

I'd better turn it off.

I can see it's worrying you.

No, no.

Sniffing it can't
hurt you, can it?

- No, and after all,
I will have to keep

my strength up, won't I?

Anyway, let's see if I
can take your mind off it.

Tell me, how do you
like my new perfume?

It's lovely.

It's, it's...

no, no, don't tell me.

Chanel?

No.

Givenchy?

No, don't tell me.

Don't tell me.

It's, it's...

It's oxtail soup
you've got on there?

Oh, Dickie.

After all, when two
people like each other,

nothing else matters.

Have you done it with parsley?

Who?

- I think I must
go to the bathroom.

The bathroom is that way.

Indigestion tablets.

What happened?

- I tried to open the
window and it fell on me.

Oh, my poor boy.

Why don't you sit back?

Let it ring.

Perhaps it's the office.

It might be important.

Yes, yes, of course.

Goodbye, then.

Now, where were we?

I think I'd better leave.

- No, you'll only
go to have dinner.

Stay here and I'll keep
you out of temptation.

Oh, darling.

You're so demonstrative.

It's very hot in here.

You're so right.

I'll change into
something cooler.

Patience, darling.

Soon, darling, soon.

Darling, I'm ready.

Darling?

Are you there, darling?

Just cooling off, darling.

Well, do hurry, darling.

Four pound duck, underwater?

Well, don't worry.

We'll save you, but don't move.

Just lie there.

I take it he didn't
get to the pudding.

No, he didn't get that far.

Pity.

I like something
that's rather sweet.

I'm sure you do.

- Perhaps I'd better
take a look at it.

Perhaps you should.

Beautiful, beautiful.

- Do you
really think so?

- I've never had
anything like it in my life.

- I'm so
glad you like it.

- Do you
know when I touch it,

it goes wobbly-wobbly-wobbly?

- Now, Gregory, we have a
nice shot here, you see?

And a quick pan to
that one over there.

That would be very
good, very good indeed,

but for this name, I want
it sharp, really sharp.

Hello, darling.

You doing anything tonight?

Because if you're not, I
might be the fellow like,

the fellow you've
been looking for like.

You and me might sort of
paint the town red like.

Oh, God.

I've got to stop using
that word "like. "

What about the more
whimsical approach?

Play it a bit sad.

No, someone come up to a
bird looking like that,

she'd call the law.

Eyelids don't lend
themselves to whimsy.

They're more like
cruel and sensual.

You will learn to play
the piano, Jessica.

You will.

Oh, God.

God, God.

Now, if I was a bird,
would I fancy me?

Would I?

You must be joking.

Still, I might be
all right tonight.

I think I'll have a
little wander out West,

see if Lady Luck waggles
her hips in my direction.

No good wandering
anywhere with that open.

Bunch of gutless looking
fellows and they get birds.

Look at that.

Alistair all bubble-and-squeak.

Him and the boats.

How do you do, bird?

Easy to get birds if
you've got a yacht.

Hello, darling.

Care to come aboard?

That's a girlie.

Well, up anchor.

Full steam ahead.

You can't get out and
walk now, darling.

You're lumbered.

Yeah, if I had a yacht, I'd
have thousands of birds,

a different one for
every night of the year.

But, right now, I'd be
happy with just one.

It's not asking for
the moon, is it?

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I get a bird?

It all looks so
easy on the telly.

Unzip a filter tip.

You're never alone
with a banana.

B. O.

Yeah, just scrub
under the armpits

with a lump of old
soap and voila.

Straight into bed with
some ripe little girl

and--

Bleeding laundry.

Except in real life, it don't
work out that way, do it?

I mean, there must be birds
in the same position as me.

It stands to reason.

I mean, who are they
aiming them commercials at?

Listless hair ruined
my social life.

I can't even get the ones
with listless dandruff.

I must save up some
more fag coupons.

Certainly not.

I'm all on the out.

It's not right.

It's not fair.

I am 38 years old.

I've got natural needs.

Now, check
bird-hunting equipment.

Lighter.

Pardon me, Miss.

Was you looking for a light?

Yeah.

Pretty useful for
opening conversations
with birds, that is.

Right.

You're sitting on the train.

There's a rather dolly looking
bird sitting beside you.

She's rummaging around
her bag for a cigarette.

She takes one out and now
she's looking for a match.

Right, in you go.

Not bad.

I have to clip one or
two seconds off of that,

otherwise some right
looking geezer might

beat me to it.

That's better.

Ambrose Twombley, the fastest
lighter on the Bakerloo.

What, foreign phrase books
for chatting up au pairs

and other sundry
foreign crumpets.

Spanish-English,
Swedish-English,

How To Say It in German.

I'll have to get some
on the way there.

Right.

All set then.

All right, off we go then.

That's good, isn't it?

You had your chance
and missed it.

The fastest lighter
on the Bakerloo?

More like the Phantom
Fire-Raiser from Finchley.

Anyhow, she knows you're there.

She probably wants
chatting up anyhow,

but she'll only let you as
long as you let her pretend

she doesn't want to
know and you talked her

into it in the first place.

Right, chat her.

Go on.

Now.

Hello, darling.

You're going to
London alone, darling?

What did you say?

I do beg your pardon.

You called me "darling. "

I distinctly heard
you call me "darling. "

I'm very sorry.

I thought you was a young lady.

I mean, I thought--

I know what you thought.

I know very well
what you thought.

That's nice, isn't it?

Charming, eh?

Cor blimey, a
gentleman can't ride on

the London Underground
by himself now

without being accosted
by every passing pervert.

What can I say?

You were a girl before,
only you changed.

I mean--

I heard what he said.

He called you "darling. "

Asked me if I was on me own.

They can't help it, you know.

It's the hormones.

I've read about them.

He's desperate, he is.

Hormones.

Me neighbor's boy's got 'em.

Hormones.

- Of course, you know, you
can get pills for 'em now.

Well, they tell
you you can anyway.

Where to then?

Probably I'll just hang about
by the ticket office upstairs.

That's the place.

Birds waiting for their dates.

One of them's bound
not to show up.

Yeah, I'll hang about upstairs.

Blimey, look at that.

Now, that's
deliberately titillating

my lower sensibilities, that is.

Oh.

That's a possible.

Legs not bad, looks a bit nasty.

Yeah, I think I'll
hang about upstairs.

Hormones.

- Now then, Ambrose, hang
about a bit nonchalant.

Take your time, no hurry.

Remember, you are
not rugged, I mean,

you're after big game.

Passing pervert.

Now, which little darling's
going to get lucky tonight?

That one?

No, she's too tall.

Tall ones always giggle.

Mm. Not bad.

Typist, maybe.

No, no.

Her fingernails is
too long for a typist.

Receptionist, perhaps?

Uh-oh. She's got them
funny stockings on.

Probably hiding blotchy legs.

I can't stand blotchy legs.

Oh, that's better.

No, it's not.

Oh, God. The mouse
is still here.

Oh, truth.

Oh, that's it, isn't it?

Definitely a Swedish au
pair on her night off,

lost in a foreign city.

Right, now's me chance.

Just don't run away.

"Are you the ticket collector?"

"Which way to Platform 5?"

"Can I help you, Madam?"

Can I help you, Madam?

I beg your pardon?

Having some trouble, Gert?

Wait, he's foreign.

I think he's lost.

Are you lost?

Are you still at it?

You have got them hormones.

You'll wanna watch him.

You, what's your game?

You trying to pull my bird?

You better watch it, son,
or I'll have you, mate.

I'll have you, son.

I'll have you, son?

Who does he think he's kidding?

I'm not the type that
frightens easily.

Can I help you?

I'll have this one.

50 pence, Sir.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I'll have a bit of a read.

Never hurts to look
a bit intellectual.

Filthy swine.

That's typical days.

I bet he's got more
hormones than I have.

Hello.

That's a bit much, isn't it?

I mean, I'm not a prude,

but that's a bit much in public.

Talk about flaunting
your wealth.

Hello, she's going off.

I guess she didn't
have blotchy legs.

Let's see.

That leaves...

the mousy bird.

Oh, well.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Shall we have a go?

Blimey, don't tell me
she's going and all.

No, she's been stood up.

She's going to
phone the boyfriend,

find out what went wrong.

This calls for immediate action.

Right.

He's out.

He has stood her up.

He ain't gonna be here.

All right, Twombley.

This is your last chance.

Come on, darling.

Answer it.

Hello?

Jane, is that you?

No.

That's funny.

I dialed 734-double 1-29.

That's right.

Only it's a call box.

- Well, it appears I
have been stood up.

I know the feeling.

Really?

Fancy that.

Two destinies come together.

Ships that pass in the night.

Ships?

Are you a sailor?

No.

What I'm trying to say is,

I feel as if I know you already.

I know what you mean.

Well, you know what I mean.

Exactly.

Oh, you put it so
much better than I do.

By the way, my name is Ambrose.

Hello, Ambrose.

Hello.

What's your name?

No, don't tell me.

Let me guess.

Greta.

How'd you know?

I don't know.

Shot in the dark, I suppose.

Or perhaps it's because I once

knew a girl called Greta
when I was a little boy.

Pretty little thing, she was.

She's got blue
eyes, blonde hair,

a lovely little turned-up nose,

got a mole on her cheek.

Mole?

Just under the right eye.

What about her?

Oh, nothing really.

Just I was madly in love
with her for a while.

She never knew, of course.

I wonder what happened
to little Greta Spavin

from Willesden.

My name's Greta Spavin.

That's my name.

What do you know about that?

- Hear now, you weren't
that nice little boy

that used to push
me on the swings

in Gadstone Park, were you?

You do remember.

- I've often wondered
what become of you.

- Look, Greta, it
just so happens I'm
doing nothing tonight.

I wonder if we could sort
of meet and have a coffee.

I can't tonight, Ambrose.

I'm waiting for my date.

Only, he ain't shown up.

I was trying to phone
him when you called.

Well, he won't show now.

Well, he might.

No.

Greta, look, Greta.

Listen.

Please meet me.

Just for a talk.

I mean, it's just that it's
rotten being on your own

on a Saturday night.

Will you?

Meet me, I mean?

Just for a talk.

Well, all right.

There's just one problem.

What's that then?

- There's a right idiot
in the next box to me.

He's been following
me all night.

Funny-looking little man.

He looks like a monkey.

Well, as soon as
I get rid of him,

I'll be there.

You choose the place
and I'll meet you.

And if I'm ever
gonna meet you then--

Ambrose?

Hello?

Hello, Ambrose?

It's all right, he's gone now.

Ambrose? Ambrose?

- There
goes one plane

and there goes another one.

That was one of ours.

Keep the camera on those planes.

Now, now you must use
the tripod, Gregory.

Gregory, use the tripod.

You idiot, you idiot.

Well, go on, then.

Back up.

I beg your pardon?

I said, back up.

I can't get past here, can I?

I suggest you back up.

I'm not backing up.

Oh, no.

It's not up to me to back up.

I know me highway code.

I'm further up the
lane than you are.

You most certainly are not.

I am and that's the law.

The one furthest up the
lane has the right-of-way.

- Don't keep on about
being further up the lane.

There's a good chap.

- Don't you "there's
a good chap" me, mate.

Don't you "mate" me.

Are you gonna back up or not?

Certainly not.

I see.

Well, that's it then, isn't it?

I got all day.

Go on, Albert.

Back up.

Me? Oh, no.

I'm further up the
lane than he is.

It's up to him to back up.

- You've got to win
every time, haven't you?

- I'm in the right
and I'm not moving.

So, sit there and shut up.

- Why don't you
back up, Charles?

It won't take a minute.

Certainly not.

We are further up the
lane than they are.

Don't be so childish.

I'm not being childish.

- You always have to be
in the right, don't you?

Look, see here.

Would you please
leave this to me?

Just sit there and keep quiet.

Just honk all day, mate.

I've switched off.

While I'm here,

I might as well kill two
birds with one stone.

I see.

Well, two can play at that game.

Charles.

I need one anyway.

Now, look here.

This has gone far enough.

Don't lean on my car.

- I was just resting my
hand on the windscreen.

Well, don't.

Don't touch the car.

I don't like people
touching my car.

- Look, it would be
much easier for you

to back up your car than it
would for me to back up mine.

- You've got no right
coming up a lane like this

with a great car that size.

- I am entitled to drive
my car wherever I please.

- You think because
you've got a Rolls-Royce

we've all got to drive up
the bushes to let you get by.

Oh, I see.

That's it, is it?

You resent the fact that
I have a Rolls-Royce

while you have a...

what is it?

Don't matter what it is.

It's stopping you, isn't it?

- Are you going to back
up this heap of old tin

or am I going to have
to push you back?

What did you call my car?

Albert.

Keep out of this.

What did you call my car?

A heap of old tin,

which, if necessary,

I shall drive up to and
push back right the way

down to the other
end of the lane.

And if you do,

I shall push your teeth
right the way down

the other end of your throat.

Right.

We'll see about that.

- Charles, you're not
going to brawl in public.

You know, there are
times when I find it

extremely difficult
not to laugh at you.

Thank you, my dear.

It is always encouraging to know

that one's wife is on
the side of the enemy.

Oh, do what you like,

but watch your blood pressure.

- Honestly, I don't
think we've ever been

out in the car without you
getting involved in something.

If it's not a fight,
it's sticking your
head out the window

and shouting at people.

You can always stay at home.

- Just remember what
the doctor said about

your vericose veins.

Before we start,

what are we fighting for?

Loser backs up?

- In that case, you might
as well back up right now.

Well, don't you be so sure.

Yeah?

- I'm going to smash you
within an inch of your life,

you loudmouth lout.

You opera-house twit,

I'm gonna beat the
daylights out of you.

- Come on, you
vulgar little man.

Here, it's real now.

I went all tight before.

It'd be a pleasure to
smash your head in.

- Put your hands up,
put your hands up.

Stop backing away, you coward.

Who's backing now?

Careful, you nearly got one in.

- You think I can't
take care of myself?

Oh. Oh.

- Can I be of any
assistance, Sir?

It's a good job you arrived.

He was just about
to get the biggest

hiding of his life.

I was just gonna put him away.

All right, then.

Come on, let's see.

Come on.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Please.

Has there been an accident?

Not yet.

This fellow refuses to back up.

It's not for me to back up.

I'm further up the
lane than he is.

No, you are not.

- Obviously, one of you will
have to back up, won't you?

Gentlemen, I must,
without fear or favor,

exercise my discretion.

Now, is that your car, Sir?

Naturally.

All right, come on.

Back up.

You bum.

Come along, Sir.

Please, come on.

Back up.

- It's
not for me to move.

- Some people just don't know
how to behave on the road.

Very nice car,
these, aren't they?

Thank you very much.

- Has your AA badge fallen
off by any chance, Sir?

Hm?

No, I only belong to the RAC.

Oh, dear.

Only people of your class
of car usually belong

to both organizations.

Not that I have anything
against the RAC, of course.

I know we don't boast
the Royal prefix,

but our past president
is the Duke of Edinburgh.

- Look, this is no time
to tout the business.

Are you going to get
him to back up or not?

- My first
consideration must be,

regardless of my own
personal feelings,

to our members.

- Hey, he's not one
of your lot and I am.

- Do I understand that you
are asking me to back up?

If you wouldn't mind, Sir.

Well, I bloody well do mind.

I'm not going to.

- Having a little
spot of bother, Sir?

Yes, he won't back up.

Do you mind?

I'm speaking to my member.

You were saying, Sir?

- This car is
blocking my way and

the driver refuses to back up.

- Have they been
intimidating you, Sir?

We'll soon sort this out.

Come along there.

Back up.

- It's your duty to
look after my interests.

That's what you're paid for.

- My member catagorically
refuses to move his vehicle

in any other direction
than forward.

Good lad.

- As a representative of
the senior organization--

As the what?

Senior organization.

We were formed before you were.

Who's got the most members?

- It's quite obvious
my member is farther

up the lane than your member.

- Well, there's an
easy way to settle it.

That's our eldest.

He takes after his father,

unfortunately.

- Men are such
children, aren't they?

Mine is.

Right pig-headed, he is.

- He can't be worse
than mine, honestly.

He's on the board
of 30 companies and

if they saw how he
behaved at home,

they'd throw him off
every one of them.

- Well, Albert, mine,
he's a shop steward.

He's always the
first one on strike.

He'll never amount to anything.

- Thank God his
father left him money,

that's what I can
say about mine.

More champagne?

Oh, thank you.

- Your member is 103 yards
from the nearest lay-by.

- Your member is 101 yards
from his nearest lay-by.

Right, he's nearest.

He backs up.

Now, just a minute.

Your member has a bigger
car than my member.

- What's
that got to do with it?

- Your member's
vehicle is two yards longer

than my member's vehicle.

Ah ha.

Which means they're both
exactly the same distance apart.

Well, then.

Hello, Harry.

Now, what seems to
be the trouble here?

- His member's blocking
my member's path.

- His member is blocking
my member's path.

Yours?

Yes, that's right. Yes.

Yours?

Yes.

- You have got the
MOT certificate?

Well, it's been done for.

Is the handbrake full-on?

Yes.

The indicators, please.

Right.

Well, if they were a bit bigger,

you'd be able to take
off, wouldn't you?

I'm sure you'll be
hearing from someone

in the next few days.

- Danger to the public,
wrecks like that.

Driving license, insurance?

I beg your pardon?

Driving license. Insurance.

- Well, I don't normally
carry them on me, Constable.

- Nearest police station
in the next five days.

Well, so you both refuse
to back up, do you?

Then, I'll be forced to
take a legal decision.

Back up, lad.

Elsie?

Oh, excuse me.

I think we're off.

Yes.

Well, thank you so much.

It's been very nice.

Not at all.

It was a pleasure.

Thanks all the same.

Well? You feel better now?

Eh.

- Thank you very
much, Constable.

- You may proceed
now, Sir, if you wish.

We won, darling.

How clever of you.

- Yes, I'm quite
pleased about that.

Stand up for what you believe.

It's the only way.

Oh, Constable?

How far is Lord
Canewood's house?

Lord Canewood?

About a mile, Sir.

Oh. Thank you very much.

- I wouldn't go that
way if I were you, Sir.

Why not?

Because he lives back there.

By the way, you won't
be able to turn round,

so you'll have to back up.

Back up.

-
I'm not backing up.

Back up.

Now, look here.

Will you get that
thing out of here?

- You get
your thing out of here.

- I've got
the right-of-way.

Get it out of here.

- What
about my right-of-way?

- Oh, for
crying out loud.

Will you move that
vehicle or not?

Cue the mountains.

Bring in the Roman soldiers.

Now, the chariots.

Oh, there is still
something missing.

I was promised elephants.

I thought there
was more than one.

I wonder if there is more?

I must speak to the
casting department.

- Now, where is that
other piece of tape?

Birth of a Nation,

Gone with the Wind,

ah, here we are.

My latest masterpiece.

- All my life I
spent in the Army.

- Three pounds I
pay and she won't

even let me keep a cat.

- 25 years, ended up
a Company Commander.

I said to her, I said,

"You've got a cat,
Mrs. Latimer. "

Scrap heap.

Big fat thing.

Never moves and when it does,

it makes a mess.

- 25 years and now
I'm being pushed about

by an Acting Lance Corporal.

Look at the bike.

Go on.

Here he comes.

The pride of the Pioneer Corps.

What's it going to be this time?

- So, it's kindness to
our feathered friends week

this week, is it, Sir?

May I remind you that
those little creatures

already do receive
a balanced diet.

Don't want their
little crops stuffed up

with carbo-dehydrates,
do we, Sir?

Right.

Let's have that litter
in the basket then,

shall we, Sir?

He dropped it down.

He'll pick it up.

Come on, let's have it up.

Oh, do forgive me, Sir.

I forgot, you're
too old, isn't you?

I'll do it for you, Sir.

- Of course, you realize I
couldn't have done any of that.

I'm too old.

You've done it now, Sir.

It won't be just a fine
for that, you know.

That's vandalism, that is.

I'll have the law
on you for that.

I'll have the police after you.

Don't forget.

You're a witness.

- You know
what we've got to do?

What's that?

- I'm afraid we've
got to kill him.

You're not joking?

Nope.

Oh, good.

You mean you think we should?

Oh, yes.

Of course.

I've thought so for a long time.

Sandwich cream?

I must say.

You're a bit of a
dark horse, Kenneth.

Nothing personal, but
I'd always considered

you a bit wet.

You know, that
Jarvis is a bastard.

Excuse the language.

Once we've taken care of him,

we should attend to
your little problem.

That damn cat.

No.

That damn Mrs. Latimer.

- Oh, have another
sandwich cream.

- After all, at our age,
what have we got to lose?

That man has gone too far.

He's made me very, very angry.

Would you mind giving me a hand?

Certainly, old boy.

One. Two. Three.

Vandals, vandals.

Is nothing sacred?

George? George?

Here, what's going on here?

We should have tried my idea.

Shut up.

After you, Kenneth.

No, no. After you, George.

Very well. If you insist.

- Now you know
what it feels like.

Hey, hey you.

What do you think this is, then?

Scots mist?

Yes, very nice.

Right. Right, mate.

I'll bury you.

If you think you can
flaut law in my park

and get away with it, mate,

you've got another thing coming.

I'll have you, mate.

Don't go away.

Oh.

The bastard's indestructible.

I think I have the solution.

- He's indestructible,
I tell you.

What are we?

- I've never really
wanted to use this before,

but I fear we have an emergency.

What?

- Mrs. Latimer's
homemade juniper wine.

I don't understand.

- When we've given some
to Jarvis, you will.

There we are.

- Then I'll leave you to
administer the potion.

Yes, all right.

Are you sure it will work?

- Well, I'd hate to tell
you what it once did to me.

Well, it's worth a try.

Get on.

- Yes, well, not bad
as a peace offering.

Mind you, don't
imagine for one minute

that's going to get me
to sit down on the job.

Oh, I'm sure it won't.

- You'll still have to mind
your P's and Q's, you know.

About now, I should think.

Five, four, three, two, one.

You did fix the
wires, didn't you?

No, I left that for you.

After all, you're the
explosives expert.

Quick, before he finishes.

Well, it was worth it.

- Oh, yes. I do
so agree with you.

It's perfect here.

And we can throw as
much paper as we like.

Yes, of course.

Right.

Let's have all that
litter up then, shall we?

Come on, look lively.

- What makes you think
you've got control up here?

Impertinence.

- May I remind you
that we are in Heaven?

Oh, no.

You're bloody well not.

Go on.

Get that litter up, come on.