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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,086 --> 00:00:07,722 [PANTING] 2 00:00:07,740 --> 00:00:10,810 [LASZLO] As you know, Gizmo is in a perpetual twilight... 3 00:00:10,843 --> 00:00:11,972 [SCREAMS] 4 00:00:11,983 --> 00:00:14,086 ... between being a human and a vampire. 5 00:00:14,346 --> 00:00:15,514 [GRUNTS] 6 00:00:15,781 --> 00:00:17,683 [SCREECHES] 7 00:00:18,737 --> 00:00:20,974 "Not a human, not yet a vampire," 8 00:00:20,985 --> 00:00:22,687 to paraphrase one of your contemporary 9 00:00:22,698 --> 00:00:24,258 musical troubadours. 10 00:00:24,269 --> 00:00:26,739 Now, I've turned my attention to isolating 11 00:00:26,750 --> 00:00:30,080 the genetic marker which is slowing his transformation. 12 00:00:30,535 --> 00:00:33,076 It's a very complex scientific procedure 13 00:00:33,087 --> 00:00:34,789 where I mix his DNA 14 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,185 with the DNA of stray animals 15 00:00:37,196 --> 00:00:38,665 just to see what shakes. 16 00:00:38,871 --> 00:00:41,607 So, I began by fusing him with a swine. 17 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:42,942 All very good. 18 00:00:42,975 --> 00:00:44,924 And a frog... Frog not so happy, 19 00:00:44,935 --> 00:00:46,601 - but it's just a frog. - [FROG RIBBITS] 20 00:00:46,612 --> 00:00:48,648 This beaker for the dog, 21 00:00:48,767 --> 00:00:50,168 and this one for you. 22 00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:53,544 - Mm. - [LASZLO] Oh, shit. 23 00:00:53,555 --> 00:00:55,680 I just realized I got those the wrong way around. 24 00:00:55,704 --> 00:00:57,220 - My mistake. - What do you mean, that... 25 00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:58,780 That's a big mistake. Am I gonna be okay? 26 00:00:58,813 --> 00:01:01,127 You'll be fine. I just need another urine sample. 27 00:01:01,138 --> 00:01:03,241 - Urine sample? For... - To refill the beakers. 28 00:01:03,252 --> 00:01:04,786 [RETCHING] 29 00:01:04,797 --> 00:01:06,426 [DOOR SLAMS] 30 00:01:06,437 --> 00:01:07,455 [LASZLO] Ha-ha! 31 00:01:07,465 --> 00:01:08,815 Laszlo's been in there for three days 32 00:01:08,825 --> 00:01:10,069 - and three nights now. - Success! 33 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,815 - I think he's on the verge of a breakthrough. - [CRASH] - Aw, shit. 34 00:01:11,826 --> 00:01:13,973 [DOOR OPENS] 35 00:01:14,006 --> 00:01:15,574 Well? 36 00:01:16,455 --> 00:01:18,132 I don't know how to put this lightly, 37 00:01:18,143 --> 00:01:19,512 but you're fucked. 38 00:01:19,523 --> 00:01:20,758 And while we're being blunt, 39 00:01:20,769 --> 00:01:23,059 you are what the scientific community 40 00:01:23,070 --> 00:01:26,941 refer to as a lost cause with no hope whatsoever. 41 00:01:26,952 --> 00:01:29,911 So... that's it? You're just gonna give up on me? 42 00:01:29,922 --> 00:01:32,725 I'm not gonna give up on you, I'm gonna give up on the experiments. 43 00:01:32,758 --> 00:01:34,727 And I'd like you to do one thing for me. 44 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:36,541 Anything. Whatever you want. 45 00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:41,135 - [BLEATING] - [GUILLERMO] What are those? 46 00:01:41,146 --> 00:01:42,881 [LASZLO] Those... well, they're just some of the results 47 00:01:42,892 --> 00:01:44,494 of my experiments with your DNA. 48 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,931 Kill them. 49 00:01:48,841 --> 00:01:50,943 ["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING] 50 00:01:50,976 --> 00:01:53,546 ? Don't sing if you want to live long ? 51 00:01:53,579 --> 00:01:55,948 ? They have no use for your song ? 52 00:01:55,981 --> 00:01:59,385 ? You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ? 53 00:01:59,418 --> 00:02:01,620 ? You're dead and out of this world ? 54 00:02:03,055 --> 00:02:06,092 ? Now your hope and compassion is gone ? 55 00:02:06,125 --> 00:02:08,895 ? You sold out your dream to the world ? 56 00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:11,364 ? Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ? 57 00:02:11,397 --> 00:02:13,465 ? You're dead and out of this world. ? 58 00:02:16,163 --> 00:02:18,198 ? ? 59 00:02:23,531 --> 00:02:26,534 [NADJA] These are words for "money" in America. 60 00:02:26,545 --> 00:02:28,114 So I have been teaching a class 61 00:02:28,147 --> 00:02:29,982 in Little Antipaxos on 62 00:02:30,015 --> 00:02:32,451 assimilating to America. 63 00:02:32,462 --> 00:02:34,932 I have been helping them master everyday skills 64 00:02:34,943 --> 00:02:36,712 such as language proficiency. 65 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,658 [NEW YORK ACCENT] Whoa! Hey, I'm walkin' here! 66 00:02:38,669 --> 00:02:41,111 Learn better driving etiquette, you piece of shit! 67 00:02:41,122 --> 00:02:44,497 I just spilled my coffee! [REGULAR ACCENT] Write it down. 68 00:02:44,530 --> 00:02:46,508 Typical American industries. 69 00:02:46,519 --> 00:02:49,322 Films, newspapers, beef. 70 00:02:49,333 --> 00:02:50,368 Write it down. 71 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:53,039 And I told them the words to the colonial patriot hymn, 72 00:02:53,072 --> 00:02:54,736 which is the song of the nation. 73 00:02:54,747 --> 00:02:57,135 ? Burgers and fries ? 74 00:02:57,146 --> 00:02:58,499 ? Mickey Mouse ? 75 00:02:58,510 --> 00:03:01,292 ? Mount Rushmore. ? Yeehaw! 76 00:03:01,303 --> 00:03:03,015 Also, a very important day, which is 77 00:03:03,048 --> 00:03:05,451 the annual turkey sacrifice. 78 00:03:05,484 --> 00:03:07,478 Okay, so, welcome to Thanksgiving. 79 00:03:07,489 --> 00:03:09,844 When we are not eating we are paying respects 80 00:03:09,855 --> 00:03:12,091 to the bird... touching it, blowing it kisses. 81 00:03:12,146 --> 00:03:14,030 Keeping very low, on three. 82 00:03:14,041 --> 00:03:16,443 One, two, three. 83 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:18,753 And then acknowledge the onion. 84 00:03:18,764 --> 00:03:20,766 It all started when The Guide discovered a new detail 85 00:03:20,799 --> 00:03:23,636 about this ancient hex that's been ruining my life. 86 00:03:23,713 --> 00:03:24,781 Give me that. 87 00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:27,662 [SPEAKING GREEK] 88 00:03:27,673 --> 00:03:30,076 "For those you've burned, you must atone." 89 00:03:30,683 --> 00:03:32,767 And that's when I figured it out. 90 00:03:32,778 --> 00:03:34,981 So, back in my Antipaxos, there was only 91 00:03:35,014 --> 00:03:37,087 one school that everyone went to. 92 00:03:37,098 --> 00:03:40,541 School wasn't easy for anyone, but especially not me. 93 00:03:40,552 --> 00:03:42,788 All the other children said I was too noisy, 94 00:03:42,821 --> 00:03:44,838 so I was always made to sit outside. 95 00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:48,516 And then one day, somebody burned down the school. 96 00:03:48,527 --> 00:03:51,464 And that person was me. 97 00:03:52,001 --> 00:03:54,433 Nobody died, but no one ever learned 98 00:03:54,466 --> 00:03:55,668 anything ever again. 99 00:03:55,701 --> 00:03:58,337 My fellow villagers never forgave me. 100 00:03:58,370 --> 00:04:00,706 Which is why I believe doing a school 101 00:04:00,739 --> 00:04:04,544 for my fellow little Antipaxons will maybe be a way 102 00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,812 to reverse this motherfucking hex! 103 00:04:09,474 --> 00:04:11,673 - Whose... - These freaks of nature 104 00:04:11,684 --> 00:04:14,316 are a result of my DNA recombinations. 105 00:04:14,327 --> 00:04:16,411 In layman's terms, they're tiny Gizmos. 106 00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:19,692 Created for the diagnosis of your vampiratus interruptus. 107 00:04:19,725 --> 00:04:22,495 [STAMMERS] These creatures are-are me? 108 00:04:22,738 --> 00:04:24,085 Pretty much, yeah, I mean, 109 00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:26,332 you can tell by the irritating way in which they behave. 110 00:04:26,365 --> 00:04:28,388 - Get the fuck off. - [SCREECHES] 111 00:04:28,399 --> 00:04:31,724 That one there came from one of your stool samples and a pig. 112 00:04:31,735 --> 00:04:34,227 This one, from a cheek swab and a dog. 113 00:04:34,238 --> 00:04:36,337 And I believe you've met these chaps before. 114 00:04:36,348 --> 00:04:37,880 - Oof. - Ugh. 115 00:04:37,891 --> 00:04:39,867 - Do we have to kill them? - I'm afraid so. 116 00:04:39,878 --> 00:04:42,582 Their continuous existence is too painful reminder 117 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,884 - of my failings as a scientist. - [BLEATING] 118 00:04:44,939 --> 00:04:47,722 Ah, and that one... now that's a complete mistake. 119 00:04:47,733 --> 00:04:49,757 Some wool from one of your hideous sweaters 120 00:04:49,768 --> 00:04:51,144 got in the petri dish, 121 00:04:51,155 --> 00:04:53,726 and there you go. But between you and I, 122 00:04:53,811 --> 00:04:55,646 kill that one first. 123 00:05:01,026 --> 00:05:05,483 In conclusion, the two steps 124 00:05:05,494 --> 00:05:09,939 one, go to bank, two, open account. 125 00:05:09,950 --> 00:05:10,953 Write that down. 126 00:05:10,964 --> 00:05:12,645 - Ooh, ooh! - Ooh. 127 00:05:12,678 --> 00:05:14,347 [NADJA] I asked Nandor and Colin Robinson 128 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,015 to come with me on the first day because 129 00:05:16,048 --> 00:05:17,917 I didn't want the class to look too empty. 130 00:05:17,950 --> 00:05:20,881 But now I cannot get those two tits to leave. 131 00:05:20,892 --> 00:05:24,387 It's not the best school class I've ever attended, 132 00:05:24,398 --> 00:05:26,125 even though it's the only one. 133 00:05:26,158 --> 00:05:28,394 How was your weekend? 134 00:05:28,565 --> 00:05:30,796 Same old, same old. 135 00:05:30,829 --> 00:05:32,431 I hear that, asshole. 136 00:05:32,442 --> 00:05:35,624 [NANDOR] I thought we'd learn more about history, like warriors 137 00:05:35,635 --> 00:05:38,762 and killing and pillaging, 138 00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:42,344 but I guess we got to get through the boring stuff first. 139 00:05:42,355 --> 00:05:46,116 [COLIN] I used to audit a lot of night school classes. 140 00:05:46,127 --> 00:05:48,347 Fiction writing, mostly. I once 141 00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:50,116 did a poem that I titled 142 00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:52,985 An Ode to My Father's Masculinity. 143 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,565 Easy drain. 144 00:05:54,576 --> 00:05:57,378 How many people did you have sex with this weekend? 145 00:05:59,892 --> 00:06:02,099 - Seven. - One. 146 00:06:02,110 --> 00:06:04,975 No! Water cooler does not talk. 147 00:06:04,986 --> 00:06:06,154 Write that down. 148 00:06:06,165 --> 00:06:07,833 [QUIETLY] Oh, so stupid. I give up. 149 00:06:07,866 --> 00:06:09,569 I'm starting to think that 150 00:06:09,580 --> 00:06:13,417 maybe I'm not very good at this. [EXCLAIMS] 151 00:06:14,850 --> 00:06:17,887 No, I... I can't. 152 00:06:17,898 --> 00:06:19,600 I can't do this. I can't 153 00:06:19,709 --> 00:06:21,603 hurt an innocent creature... Ew. 154 00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:23,482 - Get off, get off, get off. - [SCREECHING] 155 00:06:24,653 --> 00:06:26,255 I could just probably call an exterminator 156 00:06:26,266 --> 00:06:29,789 or animal control because, technically, you are vermin, so... 157 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,770 Wow, you do look like me. 158 00:06:33,012 --> 00:06:34,981 [NADJA] Is teaching 159 00:06:34,992 --> 00:06:38,898 actually going to help me lift this fucking hex? 160 00:06:38,953 --> 00:06:41,789 - [HISSES] - You are struggling. 161 00:06:42,121 --> 00:06:44,778 Oh, fantastic. Another disgruntled student. 162 00:06:44,811 --> 00:06:46,847 You have a troubled energy about you. 163 00:06:46,858 --> 00:06:49,193 A dark presence looms. 164 00:06:49,204 --> 00:06:51,807 Do you know about the hex? 165 00:06:51,818 --> 00:06:53,620 Ever since you have come here, you have brought with you 166 00:06:53,653 --> 00:06:56,790 a very dark, spectral 167 00:06:57,109 --> 00:06:58,311 specter. 168 00:06:58,326 --> 00:07:00,160 It's like a hex, if you will. 169 00:07:00,193 --> 00:07:03,030 [SIGHS] And what is your name, 170 00:07:03,085 --> 00:07:04,953 crispy, old, wizened crone? 171 00:07:05,090 --> 00:07:06,825 Oh, my name's Helen. 172 00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:10,626 Hel... Oh, just Helen. That's it. Just Helen? 173 00:07:10,637 --> 00:07:13,904 - Helen the Magic Woman. - And you can help me 174 00:07:13,915 --> 00:07:16,476 rid myself of this disgusting hex? 175 00:07:16,663 --> 00:07:18,378 - Yes. - [CHUCKLES] 176 00:07:18,389 --> 00:07:21,225 I am so sorry, class, but something has come up. 177 00:07:21,236 --> 00:07:23,772 Colin, Nandor, one of you is the teacher now! Go! 178 00:07:23,783 --> 00:07:26,153 - I can't say I am surprised... - I am the teacher... 179 00:07:26,186 --> 00:07:28,155 - ... by this turn of events. - ... and you will listen to me now. 180 00:07:28,188 --> 00:07:30,057 - I have been known to... - I am an expert in... 181 00:07:30,090 --> 00:07:31,591 - ... um... - [GROWLS SOFTLY] 182 00:07:32,322 --> 00:07:34,528 [NADJA] Okay. I think I have gotten this. 183 00:07:34,583 --> 00:07:36,919 A gray egg from a red turkey, 184 00:07:37,003 --> 00:07:39,073 a petal of wolfsbane... 185 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,867 Magic can be a very 186 00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:43,170 strange and confusing thing, 187 00:07:43,203 --> 00:07:45,639 which is why I do not fuck with it. 188 00:07:45,672 --> 00:07:47,847 ... a snake's nose... 189 00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:49,476 But if this sorceress 190 00:07:49,509 --> 00:07:53,554 can fix me, then hell yes, I'm all in. 191 00:07:53,565 --> 00:07:56,772 Is there anything else you require for this magic potion? 192 00:07:56,783 --> 00:07:58,518 I will need an eye of newt, 193 00:07:58,551 --> 00:08:00,187 a black cat's whisker 194 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:04,858 and a chocolate glazed from the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue. 195 00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:07,994 What is this, uh, an enchanted forest or something? 196 00:08:08,027 --> 00:08:09,487 It is a pastry shop. 197 00:08:09,498 --> 00:08:11,434 - Oh. - They sell what in these modern times 198 00:08:11,445 --> 00:08:14,521 are called doughnuts. 199 00:08:14,532 --> 00:08:15,802 A doughnut? 200 00:08:15,835 --> 00:08:18,004 - Why would you need a doughnut? - Normally, 201 00:08:18,037 --> 00:08:20,707 I would require you to retrieve the sweetest flower 202 00:08:20,718 --> 00:08:24,190 - from the peak of Mount Juktas. - Oh. 203 00:08:24,201 --> 00:08:26,402 But honestly, it tastes a lot like a doughnut, so... 204 00:08:26,413 --> 00:08:28,737 I'll get on with this. Goodbye, hex. 205 00:08:28,748 --> 00:08:30,517 - Come on, get inside. Let's go. Okay. - [BLEATING] 206 00:08:30,550 --> 00:08:31,852 No, I don't know what the next step is, 207 00:08:31,885 --> 00:08:34,654 but it's definitely not killing them. Maybe to the zoo? 208 00:08:34,687 --> 00:08:37,626 Uh... the park? I could drop you guys at the park, huh? 209 00:08:37,637 --> 00:08:40,420 A good run in the park would do me a world of good. 210 00:08:42,118 --> 00:08:44,567 - You can talk. - Many of us can. 211 00:08:44,577 --> 00:08:47,601 I apologize for not telling you sooner, I just didn't want to... 212 00:08:47,634 --> 00:08:49,135 - shock you. - [SCREECHES] 213 00:08:52,060 --> 00:08:58,326 A question: What is the most important knowledge... 214 00:08:59,450 --> 00:09:01,219 one can possess? 215 00:09:01,230 --> 00:09:02,616 History. 216 00:09:02,649 --> 00:09:04,651 And where did human history begin? 217 00:09:04,706 --> 00:09:08,510 The great empire of Al Qolnidar rose to power 218 00:09:08,521 --> 00:09:12,404 in what the Western world calls 1262. 219 00:09:12,415 --> 00:09:14,403 But we're gonna forget about that 220 00:09:14,414 --> 00:09:18,138 and just call it the year O. 221 00:09:18,149 --> 00:09:22,283 Whatever, man. History is subjective. 222 00:09:22,294 --> 00:09:23,859 I mean, teach what you want, 223 00:09:23,870 --> 00:09:26,346 but just know that history 224 00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:28,319 is written by the oppressors. 225 00:09:28,330 --> 00:09:31,176 One of the biggest and most 226 00:09:31,187 --> 00:09:34,462 commonly-used energy drains imaginable 227 00:09:34,473 --> 00:09:37,017 is being the cool teacher. 228 00:09:37,050 --> 00:09:39,686 I used to have a bumper sticker that said, 229 00:09:39,719 --> 00:09:42,111 "I rather be reading Bukowski." 230 00:09:42,434 --> 00:09:43,557 It was pretty rad. 231 00:09:43,590 --> 00:09:45,887 Uh, I have a little gift for you guys. 232 00:09:45,898 --> 00:09:47,160 Some condoms. 233 00:09:47,193 --> 00:09:49,546 I want you guys to be healthy out there. 234 00:09:49,557 --> 00:09:52,554 You don't have to be in love to wear the glove. 235 00:09:52,565 --> 00:09:54,034 - Right, Lorraine? - [NANDOR] Colin Robinson 236 00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,036 has tricked my pupils into thinking 237 00:09:56,069 --> 00:09:58,238 - that they are learning. - [CHUCKLES] 238 00:09:58,271 --> 00:10:00,107 Meanwhile, I have not heard the word "history" 239 00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:02,360 or Al Qolnidar mentioned once. 240 00:10:02,371 --> 00:10:03,799 [COLIN] Let me tell you about Hamlet. 241 00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:05,812 A prince of a castle. 242 00:10:05,845 --> 00:10:08,041 You wince, but his hassle 243 00:10:08,052 --> 00:10:10,410 was the death of... his daddy. 244 00:10:10,421 --> 00:10:11,789 A baddy? No. 245 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,599 - But sad he was when the lad said, "Egad"... - [GROWLS] 246 00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:17,456 a prince driven mad, ya boy got had. 247 00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,993 [NANDOR] What is even worse is that he keeps sitting up 248 00:10:20,026 --> 00:10:21,795 on the desk with his legs crossed 249 00:10:21,828 --> 00:10:25,317 so that everyone can see his nut hanging out his short. 250 00:10:27,103 --> 00:10:28,278 [GUILLERMO] You can talk? 251 00:10:28,289 --> 00:10:30,292 - You're, like, real people? - [BLEATING] 252 00:10:30,303 --> 00:10:31,605 Why didn't you tell me you could talk? 253 00:10:31,638 --> 00:10:33,273 I guess we can be shy sometimes. 254 00:10:33,328 --> 00:10:35,690 What, you open up to people right off the bat? 255 00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,711 Well, no, not usually, I guess I take a second, 256 00:10:37,744 --> 00:10:38,921 yeah, but... 257 00:10:38,932 --> 00:10:42,508 - I made an oopsie, Daddy. - No, no one's Daddy. 258 00:10:42,519 --> 00:10:43,793 But Daddy Gemerno, 259 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,433 - the oopsie is getting bad. - [GUILLERMO] Oh, shit. 260 00:10:46,444 --> 00:10:47,601 Ugh, what'd you eat? 261 00:10:47,612 --> 00:10:48,847 Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of 262 00:10:48,858 --> 00:10:50,426 made the froggie pregnant. 263 00:10:50,437 --> 00:10:51,745 - What? - I want raw meat. 264 00:10:51,756 --> 00:10:53,324 - Da-da, my oopsie's really bad. - [BLEATING] Da-da. 265 00:10:53,334 --> 00:10:54,990 - [DOG] What's the plan, Daddy? - Come on! 266 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,828 - I want to go outside. - Shh, shh, shh, shh! 267 00:10:56,839 --> 00:10:59,177 Stop talking. I got to think, I got to think. 268 00:10:59,318 --> 00:11:02,042 Laszlo wants me to, you know, get rid of you. 269 00:11:02,053 --> 00:11:04,255 What means "get rid of"? 270 00:11:04,266 --> 00:11:06,569 - Um... - Our elders spoke of a prophecy 271 00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:08,849 of the one true Guillermo who saves us. 272 00:11:09,138 --> 00:11:11,374 What are you talking about? Elders? Who-who are your elders? 273 00:11:11,385 --> 00:11:13,287 He was born 15 minutes before me. 274 00:11:13,388 --> 00:11:14,543 Hello, young one. 275 00:11:14,554 --> 00:11:17,149 Rest easy, all. Guillermo will save us. 276 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,475 - Daddy, Daddy. - [DOG] Ain't that right, Daddy? 277 00:11:18,486 --> 00:11:21,161 - I don't want to die. - Shh! Stop, stop, stop, stop talking. 278 00:11:21,172 --> 00:11:22,740 - Fine. I'll save you. - Yeah! 279 00:11:22,751 --> 00:11:24,961 - Thank you, Daddy. - But you can't tell Laszlo, okay? 280 00:11:24,972 --> 00:11:26,897 - Agreed. - Is this all of you guys? 281 00:11:26,908 --> 00:11:28,567 - Where's-where's Binky? - Who? 282 00:11:28,578 --> 00:11:30,113 Binky's the most fragile among us. 283 00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,292 He lives in the koi pond. 284 00:11:31,303 --> 00:11:34,228 - Find him, Guillermo. - Okay, fine, I'll find him. I'll find Binky. 285 00:11:34,239 --> 00:11:35,841 And you're all gonna stay put 286 00:11:35,852 --> 00:11:38,268 a-and not make a noise. All right? 287 00:11:38,279 --> 00:11:40,885 Do not think your bravery will go unnoticed. 288 00:11:40,896 --> 00:11:42,911 - See her? This fetching bitch... - [WHINES] 289 00:11:42,922 --> 00:11:45,692 ... is my beautiful daughter. You may lay with her. 290 00:11:45,703 --> 00:11:47,991 - No, I'm good. I'm gonna take this gun. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 291 00:11:48,002 --> 00:11:49,263 - [PIG] We love you, Daddy. - I'll be back. 292 00:11:49,274 --> 00:11:50,377 [DOG] Daddy! 293 00:11:51,981 --> 00:11:54,050 Helen, I'm home! [CHUCKLES] 294 00:11:54,136 --> 00:11:55,838 So, I think I got everything. 295 00:11:55,977 --> 00:11:57,335 One monkey paw. 296 00:11:57,346 --> 00:12:00,283 - Great... - Tears on a woman's love letter. 297 00:12:00,579 --> 00:12:04,120 Oh. Okay, so we're going straight for the doughnut. 298 00:12:04,131 --> 00:12:05,803 Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had 299 00:12:05,814 --> 00:12:08,792 vanilla glazed with rainbow sprinkles. 300 00:12:08,803 --> 00:12:10,863 What am I supposed to do with this? 301 00:12:10,874 --> 00:12:13,379 Could you not use that for your magic potion? 302 00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:14,925 Has to be chocolate or... 303 00:12:14,936 --> 00:12:17,556 You think I can put this in my big bowl? 304 00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:19,035 Do you mean a cauldron? 305 00:12:19,046 --> 00:12:20,766 Yes. That is the word. 306 00:12:20,777 --> 00:12:22,427 You're gonna have to go back out. 307 00:12:22,438 --> 00:12:23,827 Of course, yes. 308 00:12:23,838 --> 00:12:27,795 And why don't you also grab me 309 00:12:27,806 --> 00:12:29,579 three Boston creams, 310 00:12:29,612 --> 00:12:32,282 three chocolate glazed, four jelly 311 00:12:32,315 --> 00:12:35,088 and five glazed crullers. 312 00:12:35,099 --> 00:12:36,824 - What else? - Do you think you might want 313 00:12:36,835 --> 00:12:39,224 more of witchy, spooky stuff? 314 00:12:39,235 --> 00:12:41,666 Uh, maybe, after we get the Dunkin' sorted. 315 00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:43,560 [NADJA] I don't know much about hexes 316 00:12:43,571 --> 00:12:45,661 or how to get rid of them, obviously. 317 00:12:45,672 --> 00:12:49,237 Maybe the doughnut is something to do with the circle of life? 318 00:12:49,248 --> 00:12:53,358 Also, Helen said she had this magic wand for thousands of years. 319 00:12:53,369 --> 00:12:55,805 But I'm pretty sure I saw her go outside 320 00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:57,762 and pick up a stick from the ground. 321 00:12:57,773 --> 00:12:59,976 - It was, like, a "crullan." - Cruller. 322 00:13:00,009 --> 00:13:02,378 - "Crewlour." - Cr-uller. 323 00:13:02,389 --> 00:13:04,559 "Crew-row-row... row-row-ler." 324 00:13:04,570 --> 00:13:05,593 Close enough. 325 00:13:05,781 --> 00:13:07,383 [HUMMING A TUNE] 326 00:13:07,416 --> 00:13:09,452 [CLATTERING IN DISTANCE] 327 00:13:09,485 --> 00:13:11,993 What the fuck... Gizmo? What are you 328 00:13:12,004 --> 00:13:13,772 doing in there... are you wanking? 329 00:13:13,783 --> 00:13:16,386 - No! What? - Well, I wouldn't judge you if you were. 330 00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:19,224 I wank in there all the time. 30 minutes ago, to be precise. 331 00:13:19,235 --> 00:13:21,304 No. Actually, I'm trying to catch one of your abominations. 332 00:13:21,464 --> 00:13:23,032 Listen, I understand this kind of thing 333 00:13:23,043 --> 00:13:24,345 is not for the faint of heart. 334 00:13:24,356 --> 00:13:25,590 So if you don't have the balls for it, 335 00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:27,269 - I don't mind stepping in. - No. 336 00:13:28,070 --> 00:13:30,285 - I-I have the balls for it. - Good. 337 00:13:30,296 --> 00:13:32,171 - Get out of my shed. - Oh, you're gonna go and... 338 00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:33,409 - And wank. - Yeah. 339 00:13:33,442 --> 00:13:34,711 - Yes! - Okay. 340 00:13:34,744 --> 00:13:36,679 - And shut the door. - Shut the door. 341 00:13:37,647 --> 00:13:39,315 Okay. 342 00:13:39,348 --> 00:13:41,506 Binky. [SMOOCHES] 343 00:13:41,837 --> 00:13:44,254 Hey, buddy. Come on. 344 00:13:44,287 --> 00:13:45,355 Come on. 345 00:13:45,388 --> 00:13:47,323 Whoa, Nelly! 346 00:13:48,646 --> 00:13:49,692 [GASPING] 347 00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:53,396 Daddy, what is "wank"? [GASPS] 348 00:13:56,672 --> 00:13:59,442 [OUT OF TUNE CHORD] 349 00:14:00,022 --> 00:14:01,823 I almost have it. 350 00:14:02,598 --> 00:14:03,762 Oh, I'm in the wrong spot. 351 00:14:03,773 --> 00:14:05,118 - [SIGHS] - Hold on. 352 00:14:05,129 --> 00:14:06,931 - [IN-TUNE CHORD] - There. 353 00:14:06,942 --> 00:14:10,327 So, what did we just learn about sound waves? 354 00:14:10,338 --> 00:14:11,436 Yeah. Lenore. 355 00:14:11,447 --> 00:14:12,682 When will learn about, uh, 356 00:14:12,693 --> 00:14:14,529 starting mortgage? 357 00:14:14,540 --> 00:14:16,654 Right after I play 358 00:14:16,665 --> 00:14:18,670 "Nightswimming" by R.E.M. 359 00:14:18,681 --> 00:14:20,283 - Uh, let's see... - Colin Robinson, 360 00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,329 what are we doing outside? 361 00:14:22,491 --> 00:14:24,594 Having class on the quad, man. 362 00:14:24,627 --> 00:14:26,462 Kind of a college tradition. 363 00:14:26,495 --> 00:14:28,164 I catch your drift, though. 364 00:14:28,555 --> 00:14:31,279 How about we get the old blood pumpin' 365 00:14:31,334 --> 00:14:34,918 - with some hacky sack? - [GRUNTS] 366 00:14:34,929 --> 00:14:35,929 - That's not cool. - [THUD] 367 00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:38,323 - We are going to the history museum. - [CAR ALARM BLARING] 368 00:14:38,334 --> 00:14:40,606 - Who's with me? - Museum? Is inside? 369 00:14:40,617 --> 00:14:43,179 Yes. Very much so. Follow me! 370 00:14:43,212 --> 00:14:45,215 - Oh. [MUTTERS] - Who here has seen Garden State? 371 00:14:45,248 --> 00:14:47,899 There's a song in it that I'd love for you guys 372 00:14:47,910 --> 00:14:49,912 to listen to by The Shins. 373 00:14:53,158 --> 00:14:56,282 This is from the Dunkin' on Forest and Broadway. I said it must be 374 00:14:56,293 --> 00:14:59,495 - Forest and South. - What? How can you even tell? 375 00:14:59,528 --> 00:15:02,131 Hello! I'm a magic woman. I can tell everything. 376 00:15:02,164 --> 00:15:03,733 - [SIGHS] - I will need a dozen more 377 00:15:03,766 --> 00:15:06,780 - from the Forest and South location. - Are you kidding me? 378 00:15:06,791 --> 00:15:09,060 How many donuts do you need, lady? 379 00:15:09,071 --> 00:15:10,607 - [GROANS] - Oh! 380 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,408 Oh, Magic Woman, what is happening? 381 00:15:12,441 --> 00:15:15,297 Oh, the hex. It grows more powerful 382 00:15:15,308 --> 00:15:16,877 with each passing moment. 383 00:15:16,888 --> 00:15:19,637 - Oh, no. - Oh, you must fetch me one last thing. 384 00:15:19,648 --> 00:15:21,173 Yes, yes, anything. 385 00:15:22,910 --> 00:15:25,154 A dozen powdered Munchkins. 386 00:15:25,187 --> 00:15:28,992 Powder represents the ashes of your ancestors. 387 00:15:29,003 --> 00:15:32,095 I will get you a dozen powdered Munchkins. 388 00:15:32,106 --> 00:15:33,741 Stay with me, Helen! 389 00:15:34,216 --> 00:15:36,219 - [WHIMPERING] - Oh. 390 00:15:36,230 --> 00:15:38,423 - Piss! - [STOPS WHIMPERING] 391 00:15:38,875 --> 00:15:41,037 What are you doing?! Come on! 392 00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:43,540 [NANDOR] And you will not call the police about us 393 00:15:43,573 --> 00:15:46,309 being here while the museum is closed. 394 00:15:46,364 --> 00:15:48,099 [QUIET CHATTER] 395 00:15:48,341 --> 00:15:51,914 The entire history of Staten Island! 396 00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:54,498 - Look at this. - [COLIN] This is a recreation 397 00:15:54,509 --> 00:15:57,654 of the 19th century immigrant experience, 398 00:15:57,709 --> 00:15:59,678 based on old travel chests 399 00:15:59,689 --> 00:16:02,225 that were never claimed from the customs house. 400 00:16:02,258 --> 00:16:04,494 This fellow is wearing traditional 401 00:16:04,527 --> 00:16:07,063 Al-Qolnidarian gown. 402 00:16:07,074 --> 00:16:09,907 This is exactly the kind of outfit I wore 403 00:16:09,918 --> 00:16:11,968 on my journey to America. 404 00:16:12,001 --> 00:16:14,170 And I do so love 405 00:16:14,203 --> 00:16:18,424 that this is from the immigrant's perspective. 406 00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:21,892 So accurate, down to the underwear. 407 00:16:21,903 --> 00:16:24,880 Those look very much like a pair I used to own. 408 00:16:24,891 --> 00:16:26,482 Wait a minute. 409 00:16:26,937 --> 00:16:29,112 Those are a pair I used to own! 410 00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:31,782 How did these fuckers get my stuff?! 411 00:16:33,322 --> 00:16:36,570 Donut wench, I need a dozen powdered Munchkins, and make it quick. 412 00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:40,151 - A hex is killing my friend. - Okey dokey. 413 00:16:40,162 --> 00:16:41,726 $5.07 for the Munchkins, 414 00:16:41,737 --> 00:16:43,839 and I'll ignore the other stuff. 415 00:16:43,850 --> 00:16:46,202 Wait... Wait, hang on, that is her. 416 00:16:46,235 --> 00:16:48,505 That is my friend. How do you know Helen? 417 00:16:48,538 --> 00:16:50,937 Um, I guess I know her from, like, 418 00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:53,447 harassing me and my co-workers. 419 00:16:53,458 --> 00:16:54,547 That's mainly how. 420 00:16:54,558 --> 00:16:57,140 Hang on. Helen Johnson? 421 00:16:57,151 --> 00:16:59,907 I thought her name was Helen the Magic Woman. 422 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,118 [SPEAKS GREEK] 423 00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:04,889 Something here stinks of a snake's shit. 424 00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:06,735 I have your Munchkins. 425 00:17:07,579 --> 00:17:09,314 We need to have a little chat. 426 00:17:09,668 --> 00:17:12,999 What is this? Why does it say Helen Johnson 427 00:17:13,010 --> 00:17:15,361 when your name is Helen the Magic Woman? 428 00:17:15,372 --> 00:17:18,697 I, um, never told you my full name, 429 00:17:18,708 --> 00:17:22,614 which is Helen "the Magic" Johnson. 430 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,121 The hex is playing tricks on you. 431 00:17:24,132 --> 00:17:27,501 This is textbook hex. The solution is a strawb... 432 00:17:27,512 --> 00:17:29,367 No! Ugh! 433 00:17:29,497 --> 00:17:30,631 Wait! 434 00:17:32,490 --> 00:17:35,143 You have no idea what it's like 435 00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:38,242 to not be allowed back to the one place 436 00:17:38,253 --> 00:17:41,112 - you feel at home. - [SIGHS] 437 00:17:41,123 --> 00:17:42,770 I do know what it is like 438 00:17:42,781 --> 00:17:44,160 to be driven from the only place 439 00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:45,662 you have ever called home, 440 00:17:45,695 --> 00:17:48,366 just as I was driven out of my village. 441 00:17:48,377 --> 00:17:49,692 It ain't great. [SHORT CHUCKLE] 442 00:17:49,703 --> 00:17:51,765 My hex may not have been lifted, 443 00:17:51,776 --> 00:17:54,563 but with a little hypnosis, 444 00:17:54,756 --> 00:17:56,843 at least Helen's has been. 445 00:17:57,663 --> 00:18:01,626 Welcome home, sweet freak, Helen "the Magic" Johnson. 446 00:18:01,637 --> 00:18:04,739 You "doughnut" need to be sad anymore. 447 00:18:05,456 --> 00:18:08,573 "This immigrant probably came from a small village 448 00:18:08,584 --> 00:18:13,401 in the Near Middle East, one with a particularly weak army, 449 00:18:13,412 --> 00:18:15,661 based on their inferior weaponry." 450 00:18:15,672 --> 00:18:18,127 What? Those are my travel weapons. 451 00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:22,137 "Also inside was a well-worn good-luck amulet. 452 00:18:22,148 --> 00:18:26,036 The Atlantic Crossing was terrifying to most uneducated 453 00:18:26,047 --> 00:18:29,951 travelers of the day, and they sought comfort in superstitions..." 454 00:18:29,962 --> 00:18:32,279 I was not terrified of shit. 455 00:18:32,290 --> 00:18:34,420 And I don't even know what an amulet is. 456 00:18:34,431 --> 00:18:37,795 That is a key chain given to me by my mommy. 457 00:18:37,806 --> 00:18:42,596 [COLIN] It also says that the immigrant was a talented writer. 458 00:18:42,607 --> 00:18:45,941 - It does? - "Stories about sexual escapades 459 00:18:45,952 --> 00:18:48,010 while flying in the sky." 460 00:18:48,021 --> 00:18:50,159 That's right... sky fucking. 461 00:18:50,192 --> 00:18:51,494 Glad to see they've acknowledged 462 00:18:51,527 --> 00:18:53,363 some of the cool shit that I've done. 463 00:18:53,396 --> 00:18:56,366 "It's a rare example of early erotic fiction." 464 00:18:56,399 --> 00:18:58,653 Fiction? This is not fiction. 465 00:18:58,664 --> 00:19:01,638 - This is my diary! - [COLIN] "It is likely that, unable 466 00:19:01,671 --> 00:19:04,469 to find a sexual partner, 467 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,359 the immigrant bided his time imagining one. 468 00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:09,928 The crude and improbable descriptions 469 00:19:09,939 --> 00:19:11,842 of his intercourse 470 00:19:11,853 --> 00:19:13,915 - furthermore suggests this individual... - [LOW GROWLING] 471 00:19:13,926 --> 00:19:16,307 - Don't say it! - ... never had sex." 472 00:19:16,318 --> 00:19:19,315 [NANDOR GROANING, YELLING] 473 00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:24,806 [COLIN] Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 474 00:19:25,835 --> 00:19:27,736 - [BLEATING] - [SQUEALING] 475 00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:31,970 [LASZLO] I know it's tough, Gizmo, but it must be done. 476 00:19:32,025 --> 00:19:34,639 Steady thy hand and become death. 477 00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:37,531 But wait till I'm gone. I don't want to be covered in brains and shit. 478 00:19:37,542 --> 00:19:39,452 - Au revoir. - [BLEATS] 479 00:19:39,463 --> 00:19:41,177 - Bye. - [WHIMPERING] 480 00:19:41,188 --> 00:19:43,733 - Shh. - [GUNSHOTS] 481 00:19:43,744 --> 00:19:44,823 - [BLEATING] - There we go. 482 00:19:47,485 --> 00:19:49,287 Thank you so much, Guillermo. 483 00:19:49,298 --> 00:19:52,345 - Hey, no one's dying on my wa... - [CREATURES EXCLAIMING] 484 00:19:52,356 --> 00:19:53,725 Oh! [GRUNTS] 485 00:19:53,758 --> 00:19:56,162 - No. No, drop it. Drop it! - [GROWLING] 486 00:19:56,173 --> 00:19:57,500 Sorry about that. 487 00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:00,932 [COLIN] Hello. 488 00:20:01,183 --> 00:20:03,835 I thought you might want this 489 00:20:03,846 --> 00:20:05,715 key ring that your mommy gave you. 490 00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:07,972 I stole it from the museum. 491 00:20:07,983 --> 00:20:11,113 Is this how history is going to remember me, Colin Robinson, 492 00:20:11,124 --> 00:20:13,278 if it is going to remember me at all? 493 00:20:13,311 --> 00:20:16,614 Well, I also took the liberty 494 00:20:16,647 --> 00:20:19,651 of rearranging the museum display. 495 00:20:19,662 --> 00:20:21,671 "This immigrant was a very feared 496 00:20:21,682 --> 00:20:23,855 and very cool ancient warrior 497 00:20:23,888 --> 00:20:27,458 who set the world's record for having the most constant 498 00:20:27,491 --> 00:20:29,627 - sexual intercourse"? - Sexual intercourse. 499 00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:33,531 "Often while flying, and he was never scared of boat rides." 500 00:20:33,712 --> 00:20:35,021 [NANDOR] You're shitting me. 501 00:20:35,076 --> 00:20:38,614 Whatever, you know? Uh, history is a construct. 502 00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:40,293 Thank you, Colin Robinson. 503 00:20:40,304 --> 00:20:41,989 You are not just a cool teacher. 504 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,216 You are also a cool friend. 505 00:20:44,227 --> 00:20:46,333 [SINGSONGY] Awkward moment. [SHORT CHUCKLE] 506 00:20:47,078 --> 00:20:49,447 - [BRAKES SQUEAKS] - Okay. 507 00:20:49,709 --> 00:20:52,245 Just remember: never be seen by the staff. 508 00:20:52,928 --> 00:20:54,998 - You're only safe with the old people. - Okay. 509 00:20:55,008 --> 00:20:56,921 - [BLEATING] I understand. - Yes, we understand. 510 00:20:56,954 --> 00:20:59,290 [GUILLERMO] So I just dropped them off at a retirement home 511 00:20:59,323 --> 00:21:00,692 that my t�a works at. 512 00:21:00,725 --> 00:21:02,327 She's always saying the residents 513 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:03,695 are really lonely and love company. 514 00:21:03,728 --> 00:21:07,265 - Who has B-1? B-1? - [MAN] Yeah. B-1. 515 00:21:07,298 --> 00:21:09,421 [GUILLERMO] And it was super easy to get the paperwork 516 00:21:09,432 --> 00:21:10,934 for an emotional support animal. 517 00:21:10,945 --> 00:21:13,304 [CHUCKLING, SIGHING] 518 00:21:13,990 --> 00:21:16,407 [GUILLERMO] They'll be happy here, I think. 519 00:21:17,603 --> 00:21:19,207 I hope. 520 00:21:19,510 --> 00:21:21,946 ? Born free ? 521 00:21:21,979 --> 00:21:25,783 ? As free as the wind blows ? 522 00:21:26,358 --> 00:21:30,088 ? As free as the grass grows... ? 523 00:21:30,375 --> 00:21:33,348 I decided to keep Binky because he's happy here. 524 00:21:33,505 --> 00:21:36,408 [LASZLO] Gizmo, what are you doing out there? 525 00:21:36,681 --> 00:21:37,697 Having a wank? 526 00:21:37,708 --> 00:21:40,256 Ah, good man. Carry on. 527 00:21:41,696 --> 00:21:43,768 - Hey, buddy. - [GURGLES] 528 00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:46,504 ? Live free ? 529 00:21:46,537 --> 00:21:50,441 ? And beauty surrounds you ? 530 00:21:50,474 --> 00:21:53,478 ? The world still astounds you ? 531 00:21:53,511 --> 00:21:55,647 ? Each time you look at ? 532 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,818 ? A star ? 533 00:21:59,851 --> 00:22:02,787 ? Stay free ? 534 00:22:02,820 --> 00:22:06,724 ? Where no walls divide you ? 535 00:22:06,757 --> 00:22:09,627 ? You're free as the roaring tides ? 536 00:22:09,660 --> 00:22:11,629 ? So there's no need ? 537 00:22:11,662 --> 00:22:16,267 ? To hide ? 538 00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:20,338 ? Born free ? 539 00:22:20,371 --> 00:22:23,741 ? Born free... ? 540 00:22:23,774 --> 00:22:27,779 ? Born free ? 541 00:22:27,812 --> 00:22:29,781 ? Born. ? 542 00:22:29,831 --> 00:22:34,381 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40385

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