All language subtitles for Dr. Ken - 01x22 - Ken Tries Stand Up.AVS.English.HI.C.edit.Addic7ed.com

Excuse me. I'm looking for Dr. Ken Park.

About yea high.

Looks like an Asian lesbian,
acts like an Asian gay man.

Clark, can you call Tanya at Nail Depot

and tell her next time there's
a bubble in my top coat,

I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Absolutely.

- Buddy!
- Doug!

Oh, my... oh, look
at you, Mr. Clean.

You here for a shine?
[Imitates squeaking]

Look at you. Still working at
Doctors Without Decorators, huh?

[Laughs]

This is my old buddy Doug.

He's a stand-up comic, which
means he's bitter and poor.

Better than being short and ugly.

Is it, Doug?

You know what?

I'm in town for a couple
days at the Laugh Factory.

Oh, is that no longer a comedy club?

[Laughs]

So, let me guess.

You still don't have health insurance,

so you dropped by for a free checkup?

I was hoping you could fit me in

in between putting toe tags
on the rest of your patients.

Did he hear about last week?

[Laughs]

Okay, all right, just shut up, Julie.

Hey, why don't you talk
that woman you duped

into marrying you to
come to my show tonight?

Ooh, yeah, we'd love
to hear your fresh take

on Internet dating and
how everyone's eating kale.

[Chuckles]

I'll leave you some comp
tickets at the box office.

Comp tickets?

I'm intrigued.

Who are you, friend?

Pat, this is my buddy Doug from college.

He does stand-up.

Ah. Well, put me down
for one comp ticket.

You a big comedy guy?

No, I'm more of a "live sex show" guy.

But those are hardly ever free.

Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -

You guys, why are we sitting here?

Surgeons took our table.

Yeah, they think they're
so much better than us.

Why? Just 'cause they
have tons more education

and way more money
and are more attractive?

You know what, guys?

They're better than us.

They don't have more money than me.

I inherited a fortune after that
satellite fell on my grandma.

What? I never told y'all
that story? [Chuckles]

Craziest thing I ever seen.

- [Clattering]
- Whoa.

[Groans]

This is ridiculous.

We don't have to take this.

You know what?

Julie is right.

We are gonna march
over there confidently,

and Damona is going to say something.

Man: Right there,
concierge is standing there.

I didn't notice at first. I
was there myself to check...

Excuse me, hi.

I know you don't know this,
but we usually sit here.

- And who are you?
- Family Medicine.

That's my low-sodium soy sauce.

I just leave that there.

That is how much our table this is.

Really enjoyed the chat.

Now leave us alone.

And that's how I met Stephen Dorff.

Uh, excuse me, but I
don't think you heard me.

I said this is our table.

Oh, I heard you.

So, what color Tesla do
you think I should get?

Okay, well, can I at least get
my low-sodium soy sauce back?

- This soy sauce?
- Yeah.

- Right here?
- Right there.

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Damona: [Gasps]

Your pastry!

No, he did not do that to your pastry!

No. No.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, D.K.

Unannounced.

Not unannounced.

I rang doorbell.

Melon ripe. In season.

Oh, good, another box of unwanted fruit.

And is it super heavy?

[Grunting] Perfect.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, we don't need those.

Oh, you say that now,

but when melon hunger
hits, best to have melon.

So wise, Papa.

Well, we got to get
to the Laugh Factory.

Doug usually only
gets like five minutes.

That's right.

We missed him last time because
someone refused to valet park.

Oh, sure, $20 cover and valet?

Hey, why don't we buy a
tiger while we're at it?

We'll live like rappers.

Mom, Dad, there's this new
video game that everyone has.

If you really want me to
fit in like you claim to,

I need it immediately.

Dave, you don't need
another violent video game.

But "Blood Lust" is educational.

It's like an anatomy lesson.

When you win a sword fight,
your victim is cut wide open.

You can see everything. [Laughs]

You want to take this one?

Fine.

You'll have it by tomorrow.

- No.
- No!

What's wrong with you, Dave?

Geez.

You don't need video game.

You need exercise.

Kids today just sit on their
butts staring at screens.

You're soft.

He's not wrong.

I'll make a deal.

I'll buy you that
inappropriate video game

if you can do more push-ups
than me by next week.

Can you do more than zero?

That's his personal best.

Yeah, and that's when I was working out.

See, Allison? No valet. Not so bad.

Yeah. I really enjoyed the
eight-block walk uphill.

[Laughs]

Well, thanks for
dropping me off in front.

[Laughs]

Hey, Parks. Thanks for saving me a seat.

We didn't.

So...

I did a little light
Googling on your friend,

and, uh, apparently he is blowing up.

Yeah, just recorded a
one-hour comedy special

and posted a scathing review
of a carpet store on Yelp.

That's light Googling?

Well, for me, yeah.

When I go deep, I can
tell you a guy's shoe size,

little miss 7 1/2.

Switch seats with me.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

The Laugh Factory's proud to present

one of Variety's
top 10 comics to watch.

You'll see him on
"Jimmy Kimmel" next week.

He's here for you right now.

How about a big hand
for Mr. Doug Miller!

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, everybody!

Thanks for coming out.

What's up, cutie?

Thanks for sitting in the front row.

You brought your Uber driver, great.

[Laughter]

This girl asked me out the other day.

She told me she was an
actress in porno movies.

So, I was like,

"All right, well, when
do you want to go out?"

She goes, "Well, I'm working
Tuesday and Wednesday.

How about Thursday?"

"Uh... how about Monday?"

[Laughter]

Yeah, he's been doing that joke forever.

I'm sorry. Am I interrupting
your conversation?

Oh, no, no, sorry.

No, no, he was just telling me

you've been doing that joke forever.

Oh.

I liked it, though.

And Monday was the right call.

Folks, this is actually
my buddy Ken from Duke.

You should've seen this guy in college.

He really cleaned up
with the sorority girls.

Yeah, his work-study job,
he was janitor for Tri Delt.

[Laughter]

I'm laughing. I'm thinking.
I'm having a great time.

You know what? Every
year, Ken made Dean's list.

- Oh.
- That's true.

Yeah. Dean was our buddy who
made a list of all the virgins.

[Laughter]

[Forced laughter]

In fact, Ken's major was virginity

with a minor in never losing it.

[Laughter]

No, it was biochemistry.

I don't get that.

Ken, it's great to see you.

You have a beautiful family, too.

Lovely children and a wife
who insists they're your kids.

I don't know.

[Laughs loudly]

Hey, both of our kids are a product

of the amazing sex I had
with this lady right here.

Switch seats with me.

I had no idea he was doing so well.

Did you know back at Duke,
I was the funny one?

Yeah, it's come up.

I'm sorry, but if he can do it...

Why didn't you ever try it?

I almost did.

There's this bar at Duke where
Doug was doing open mikes.

I signed up, but when
I told my dad about it,

he was like [as D.K.]
"Oh, you no Steven Wright.

You Steven Wrong. [Chuckles]

Oh, there's joke for you, joke boy.

Now back to library."

Well, there's no reason you
can't give it a shot now.

[Normal voice] Think so?

Go try an open mike.

Wouldn't that be better

than wondering what if
the rest of your life?

I don't think so, Al.

I've gotten pretty cozy with what if.

But I've always had this
idea that I could get up there

and do it, but... if I can't,
then the dream is gone.

Or what if you can?

[Laughs]

That'd be pretty cool, Allison.

You know what? I think I'm gonna do it.

Yeah, you are!

Oh, so exciting.

Wait, you sure you don't
want to call your daddy first

and ask permission?

- It's ringing.
- I was kidding.

Oh, oh, so was I.

[Grunting]

Molly, do you happen to know
where I can find any steroids?

What?

Zero push-ups is hard
enough, but one is impossible.

"Well, you'll get there," she
said, not meaning it at all.

Wait, can you train me?

Dave, push-ups are like riding a bike.

You'll never be able
to do either of them.

Oh, yeah? If you don't help
me, I'll tell Mom and Dad

about the fake I.D. I saw in your purse.

You're bluffing.

Am I, Madonna Bronkowitz?

It's Burkowitz, okay?

If I'm gonna help
you, get my name right.

Hey, guys.

Guess what your dad's
gonna do Tuesday night.

Finally spend some quality time with us?

Nope. Mol, any guesses?

Something purely for you
that inflates your ego?

Oh, so close!

[Laughs]

I'll just say it.

I'm gonna try stand-up.

That's right!

Your dad's gonna prove he's
not just funny around the house.

Like when he slammed the
cabinet door on his thumb.

[Both laugh]
Yeah.

Okay, you know what?

Just for that, neither of you are going.

Well, they can't go
anyway. They're not 21.

Yeah, and it's not like either of us

has a fake I.D. in our purse.

Oh, Dave, you're so funny.

Let's get out of here.

Stop right there, young lady.

And just why do you
think Dave's so funny?

Because he got it from you?

Exactly. Now go have fun.

Oh, and don't forget your purse.

Oh. [Chuckles nervously]

[Chuckles]

Guys, guess what I'm
doing Tuesday night.

Oh, finally taking me
to dinner for my birthday

like you've been promising?

Nope. Anyone else?

Something completely about yourself

that you're gonna drag us into?

Oh, you're so close! [Laughs]

All right, I'll just tell you. Um...

I'm finally doing an open
mike at the Laugh Factory.

[Gasps] That's so exciting!

You've been telling us
forever how funny you are.

You're doing an open
mike? Well, I don't know.

Based on what I witnessed
from you the other night,

they might want to
call it an open grave.

Thanks, Pat.

You know, 'cause you're
gonna die up there.

- Got it.
- Because you are not funny.

Oh, he's funny.

Come on, little man. Give us a taste.

- [Groans]
- Okay. Okay.

I just came up with this
one. Okay. [Chuckles]

Uh...

Oh, you see a lot of Asian doctors,

but I've never seen
an Asian veterinarian.

[Chuckling] Not gonna happen.

[Asian accent] "Oh, I'm so sorry.

Your doggie not make it."

Are you implying that he ate the dog?

[Normal voice] Oh, no,
no, no. I'm not implying.

I'm saying he ate the dog.

Okay, that is wildly offensive.

Write this down.

Not funny at all.

Horrifying.

Aggressively racist.

Laugh Factory? More like
Setting Your People Back Factory.

[Laughter]

See, Ken, it's not so hard.

Okay, you guys, this is
really constructive feedback.

I've got it now, and
I'm gonna run with it.

So thank you. All right. Good.

Actually, if it was a cat instead...

- No!
- Oh, my God! No!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back to work, then.

People.

Hear ye.

The cafeteria wars will soon be over,

and those surgeons will be

waving the white flag of surrender.

What in the hell are you talking about?

Sorry, I've been kind of
bingeing on "Game of Thrones."

Anyhoo, I took the bolts off the table.

And as soon as those smug bastards

put any weight on it, that thing
is gonna come crashing down

like a satellite on Damona's grandma.

Well, Clark, you know,

we're not up here
because of the surgeons.

Pediatrics is using the cafeteria.

They're throwing the kids a party.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

I thought the balloons
would break my fall.

One, two, three.

You've got this, Dave.

Four, five.

You're gonna get that video game!

Six and... seven push-ups!

Great job, Dave!

So, that's what it's
gonna sound like on my end.

Kids, Dad says he has something

important to talk to us about.

Thanks, Al. Now, listen up, guys.

This affects all of us.

I was working on some material
that I realize might be

offensive to Asians, animals, and Julie,

who had to take a half day,

so I broke out some of the stuff I use

when I host the HMO banquet.

[Clears throat]

You know what some lazy
nurses do on their day off?

Same thing they do on their day on.

[Chuckles]

You know, 'cause they're lazy.

[Laughs]

Now that I understand it, I love it!

Nurses.

Pap smear. Uh...

Pap smear.

Pap smear campaign.

No, no, no, no. Too political.

Ken, come to bed.

I appreciate the offer, Al,

but I'm not feeling it right now.

Hit you back double this weekend.

I meant come to sleep.

It's 2:00 in the morning.

I can't. The open mike's tomorrow,

and I've got nothing.

Okay, let me help you.

Um...

Oh, here's something.

You know how there's a
back-up camera on our car?

Yeah?

Why don't you do something with that?

Thanks, Al. That's great.

Yeah. Oh, hello?

Comedy Hall of Fame?

Yeah, it's Ken Park. Clear some space.

I got this monster back-up camera bit.

Okay, you don't have
to be nasty about it.

I'm sorry. I'm just freaking out.

I'm gonna suck.

[Sighs]

I'm not gonna do this.

No.

I know you, Ken, and
if you back out now,

it'll eat at you for
the rest of your life.

And you know what?
You can do this.

And you're gonna be great.

Just don't over-think it.

Be yourself.

You're the funniest person I know.

That's why I married you.

Thanks, honey.

[Chuckles]

Back-up cameras. Just saying.

[Laughs]

All right, Dave, you can do this.

Just remember what we talked about.

Tighten your core, breathe,
and try not to poop again.

No promises, Mol.

- [Grunts]
- One!

Dave, that's a new personal best!

- [Grunts]
- Two!

You're playing with house money now.

[Grunts]

Okay, two. Not bad.

Okay, my turn.

One, two, three.

Three to two.

You lose.

Darn. Now I just have to make do

with the many violent
video games I already own.

I am so over "Zombie Pimp."

Okay, double or nothing.

I'll give you two video
games if you can beat me

in the 100-yard dash next week.

Seriously? Two video
games for 100 yards?

You're on, sucker!

I'm gonna go ice my pecs.

Way to trick him, Grandpa.

Not tricking.

Motivating.

Respect.

Now I got to figure out
how to train him to run.

[Ice cream truck music plays]

Ice cream truck!

I'm so worried for Ken.

He'll be fine.

Ken got sense of humor from me.

You all ready, buddy?

What are you doing here?

I'm MCing.

I had to be here for you, pal.

You're gonna do great.

You really think so?

No. But here we go.

Welcome to the Laugh
Factory open mike, everybody!

[Cheers and applause]

Yes!

You're gonna see some
amazing talent tonight.

But first, here's my pal Ken Park!

[Laughter, applause]

Have fun.

Hey. What up, Laugh Factory?!

[Cheers and applause]

Make some noise!

[Light cheers and applause]

Let's get this party
started! [Chuckles]

Mm, uh, so, uh, you
guys like impressions?

Okay, here's a classic.

Korean Johnny Carson.

"Is that a, uh, John Wayne Bobbitt...

ja-ji [speaks Korean]."

[Laughs]

John Wayne Bobbitt?

His wife chopped off his ja-ji?

Oh, come on! That's funny!

"Ja-ji" means "penis."

Um...

uh, so, uh, you see a
lot of Asian doctors.

But I've never seen
an Asian veterinarian.

- No!
- Okay.

Back-up cameras.

What's up with them, huh?

You ever run over your kids and think,

"Hey, I wish I had a
home movie of that?"

Oh, God, no.

What am I even doing up here?

I'm a doctor.

No matter what happens, I got to

wake up tomorrow morning
and cradle some scrotums.

[Laughter]

And tomorrow's my day off.

[Laughter]

[Chuckles]

Oh, my God, I just made that up!

Okay, um...

Okay, well, yeah... it's true.

I'm a doctor.

Yeah, yeah, my parents
Korean'd me into it.

Know what I'm saying?

[Chuckles]

Yeah, it's not like my parents
forced me into doing this stuff.

It's not like I went
up to my dad and said,

"Gee, Papa, when I grow up,

I want to be a doctor and save lives."

[As D.K.] "No, no. You tell joke!"

[Laughter]

I would never say that.

[Normal voice] It
was really easy for me

to get in med school.

I mean... I mean, look at me.

It's like my birthright.

Here was my interview.

"So, Ken, tell me about yourself."

"Well, I'm Korean."

"Stop! Congratulations. You're in."

That's it. That's it.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

[Laughter]

Dad, you were awesome.

He was amazing.

And I knew you would be. You're welcome.

[Laughs]

[Cellphone chimes]

What's that?

It's Jamie Masada, owner
of the Laugh Factory.

He says he wants to manage me.

So, are you gonna do this?

Nah.

I just wanted to prove I
could do stand-up, that's all.

You know, you were really good.

Great even, but come on.

What am I gonna do,

give up being a doctor
and become a comedian?

That is pretty ridiculous. [Laughs]

"No more medicine for me.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna hit the road

and perform at the
Funny Bone in El Paso."

[Laughter]

Hey, maybe they'll put you in movies.

[Laughter]

Or your own TV show.

[Laughter]

I guess you guys are right.

That's full-on crazy.

[ Laughter ]

"I'm just gonna throw my
medical degree in the street."

[ Laughter ]