All language subtitles for Tsk57

Thank you for the clapping. I'm Greg
Davies and this is Taskmaster.

It's the semi-final, which means
our five contestants are

running out of time to win
crucial Taskmaster points.

Points that could change
their lives forever.

Whoever wins this series
is guaranteed immortality

through the title of series
champion of Taskmaster.

So let's meet the people still clinging
on to the hope of winning this...

almighty cranium.

With an average
professional age of 41,

our contenders are...

Aisling Bea!

Bob Mortimer!

Mark Watson!

Nish Kumar!

And Sally Phillips!

[applause]

And forever needlessly loitering,

little Alex Horne!

- [cheers and applause]
- Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

You are looking
especially smug tonight.

Thank you. It's a compliment.

I am, I've had a good day.
I've a big day.

I've made to some improvements to
the place where you let me live.

Yep.

And I've found out you can put a
loo roll dispenser in any room.

Any room. It doesn't have
to be in the toilet.

So I've got one in the kitchen,
I've got one in the car.

I've got one here.
So I've just, um...

- It's... I just feel very...
- Oh, he has.

What are you planning
to use that for?

It's just in case, isn't it?

If, I mean...

If you make mess here, I'm gonna
clear it up with your beard.

[laughter]

- What is...
- Yes?

...the prize category this week?

Great question. Well, it's a big one.

Drum roll, please.

[silence]

- Today we've asked them...
- [laughter]

Today we've asked them to bring in the
most surprisingly expensive item.

- Surprisingly expensive.
- Surprisingly.

So it's up to you, Greg,
as the Taskmaster,

to decide who has brought in the
most surprisingly expensive item.

At the end of the show, the
person with the most points

will get to take home all the
surprisingly expensive items.

OK, so we'll find out
how much they cost,

and then I'll look at your face to
see how surprised you were.

- That's the system.
- That works, doesn't it?

Who shall we start with?
Drum roll, please.

[drull roll plays]

[laughter]

Aisling Bea!

- [cymbals crash]
- Oh, I won. I can't believe i won!

There was this one occasion
where I had to fly to Belfast

at six o'clock in the morning,

and I had 13 minutes before
I had to get on the flight.

And I was so tired that I bought
access for a 13-minute nap

to the business lounge
in Belfast Airport.

OK.

So, for a minute to the pound, it was the
most expensive thing I've ever bought.

We can see the voucher.

How surprising the
business lounge costs?

Yeah, it's for the Causeway Lounge,

complimentary access
at Belfast Airport.

How much do you think complimentary access
to the Causeway Lounge would cost?

Well, all I can see is
how much I would pay,

and I would pay £40.

Oh. Oh.

It cost £25.

Shall I do my facial reaction to that?

OK, let's have a look.

[laughter]

- OK, do you want to move on to Nish?
- Yes, please.

OK, Nish?

I have brought in 100 Euros

because it is surprisingly expensive
now to buy 100 Euros.

[Greg] Well, let's see how
surprising it is.

[Alex] OK.

- I travel to Spain regularly...
- Yes, you do.

...and I would have guessed, late 80s?
I would have said it was worth...

No, it's 91.

- I would have said 88.
- Yeah, it's 91.

- So I'll give you my surprised face.
- OK.

- [laughter]
- [Alex] Oh.

Who's next?

[laughter]

- What about Bob?
- Bob.

Bob?

Hi, I've brought in my
World Cup 2014...

football player sticker book.

- [Greg] Let's have a look at it.
- [Alex] Yes, there it is.

- [they gasp]
- [Mark] Very nice.

[Alex] It would cost an average of £374
to fill the whole thing.

Like if you get lucky, £68 is the
minimum you can spend,

but the average person
spends nearly 400 quid.

I'm gonna say that that is worth...

twenty English pounds.

We've had it valued at
ten English pounds.

[laughter]

[Greg] Who's next?

[Alex] Sally Phillips.

I've brought you a human turd.

[laughter]

OK, let's just go straight
to the face, shall we?

[laughter]

I've brought you one of
Bob Mortimer's turds.

- [Greg] Wow.
- Yeah.

This is gonna take some
unravelling, isn't it?

It's going to be
professionally dried out

and placed within a resin sphere.

And be just like one of the exhibits in the
National Poo Museum on the Isle of Wight.

That's all correct.

So I've brought an example...

This is what it will look like.

This is a fox one, which most
closely resembles a human one.

- [laughter]
- [Aisling] Oh dear.

How much do you think the whole
process of freeze-drying it

and then turning it into
a resin ball would cost?

£199.

Get ready for my reaction.

Here it says the process
would cost him £800.

[laughter]

£800 to do a fox poo.

But this is a Mortimer poo.

His conservative estimate,
the value of Bob's poo,

er, yeah, is between 10 and 15 k.

- [audience gasps]
- [laughter]

- We'll milk me!
- [Greg] I see.

Can I have one too?

- No, that's the last I'm giving away.
- He's a gold machine!

Who's left? Mark?

Mine's a gate where my kids...

- A what, sorry?
- A gate.

- A gate?
- A garden gate, yes.

My kids like to the play in
the garden and it adjoins

one of those sort of communal
gardens that you get.

- We can see it.
- We've got an image of it, I think.

[Mark] So it's that.

[Greg] Right, let's not mess around.
£88 for the gate. Labour, £75.

I've written down here £18,000.

- Yes, um...
- [they gasp]

- What?
- What?!

- [laughter]
- He looks like he's gonna throw up!

[laughter]

[applause]

The communal garden is jointly sort of
owned by a residents' association,

so it turns out, if you want
a gate that goes onto it,

you have to pay a three-year fee to
join that residents' association.

This is like madness, Mark.

So when we win this prize,
do we win access to the

- garden as well?
- The funny thing is, yes you do.

[laughter]

What is your decision?

This is my decision.

I've got a television, so I know how
much the Euro's worth, Nish.

Congratulations, you take your special,
traditional role as coming last.

[laughter]

Aisling and Bob, I was quite surprised
by the actual final prices.

I didn't realise how much they'd spent
per minute napping or per sticker.

I might, if it's alright,
I might put them joint next,

and I can't believe it,
I don't know why I'm putting

Bob Mortimer's turd in
second place, but I am.

I'm gonna put it in second
place 'cause I've just

seen the hurt in Mark
"£18,000 Gate" Watson's eyes.

Oh, I need this. I need this.

So I have to give him to it.
Mark Watson wins this round.

- OK, and we're off. Five points.
- [applause]

Right, we're rolling!
What's first?

It's this task, precisely, here.

[Alex] Hello, Bob.

Hello, Alex.

Hello, Aisling.

Why have you brought me to
this bloody shithole?

Please can I put a
blindfold on you?

[laughter]

I can't see a thing now,
unfortunately.

How many fingers am I
holding up, Mark?

Ah, that's a good example.
I can't see that, for example.

Ten?

[Alex] Great.

It was just one.

Well, it is just one, so now
I don't know what to do.

[laughter]

[Alex] Alright, we're gonna
go for a little walk.

OK.

- I'm gonna hold your hand, is that alright?
- I'd love that. Thanks.

Just a little jump here.
With me, one, two three...

That's it, and a really
big jump now.

[Nish] Yeah.

Go.

That's better.

Bit higher.

That's it.

Some bread.

Are you gonna ask me
to feed the ducks?

[Alex] "Wearing that blindfold
at all times..."

[Bob] Yes?

"...travel as far as possible
in three minutes."

"Alex will be at your
side at all times

because he is a strong,
independent, handsome man."

Right, OK. I feel like that...
You've thrown that in.

Thank you.

"On removing the blindfold, you will
then have another three minutes

to retrace your steps to
your starting position."

- That's here.
- Oh, right.

"Longest successful retracing
of steps wins."

Erm, do I have to keep my
feet on the ground?

[laughter]

Yes, she had a tactic. Some of
them did, some of them didn't.

Yep.

The idea...

[laughter]

...was pretty good. They had three
minutes to get as far as they could.

But they had to get back to exactly
the same spot where they started.

So you could just take one
step in the three minutes.

Oh.

And you'd get back to
where you were,

- but that's not a very long distance.
- It's not a very long distance, no.

[she laughs]

[Alex] OK?

Which of our highly intelligent
gang are we gonna see first?

Well, we're gonna save
Sally for a bit.

[laughter]

We're gonna start with Bob.

Are you ready?

Good.

- Your time...
- [Bob giggles]

Your time starts...
[blows whistle]

Well, I'm gonna put
a piece of bread.

I'm gonna take what I think
is the bottom of it off.

Quite like the idea
of having this...

shape.

One...

No, I'll take four...

Drops a bit of bread.

I'm doing it very traditionally
here, I suppose, but...

I can't think of any other way.

[laughter]

[whistle blows]

I'm gonna remain here.

- You've got 30 seconds.
- Oh, fucking...

I didn't come through there!

You've got three minutes
to retrace your steps.

Thank you.

Your time starts now, Bob.

Oh, fuck.

I could never have got
through there.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five.

[Alex] Have you retraced
your steps, Bob?

I have.

And that is where
I wish to be buried!

There you are, that comes
with age and experience.

[applause]

That, I believe, is the traditional cry
of the Middlesbrough peat man.

Bury me!

It was like a little adventure,
that. It was great.

Yeah, you did very well.
You travelled 54 metres

and got back to pretty much
exactly the right spot.

You could do what you
wanted with the bread,

but you left a trail and
that seemed to work.

Yeah, who wouldn't leave a trail?

- Oh, I imagine most of them...
- [laughter]

Let's stop there for now.

You have three minutes to do
something valuable with your life.

Goodbye for now.

Hello, and, um...

Welcome back.

[laughter]

It's part two and Alex is just
desperate to fill us in on the latest.

Thank you, Greg.

So, the current task involves getting
as far as you can whilst blindfolded,

and then retracing your steps.

Bob made it look easy.

Shall we see Mark and Aisling next?

- Yes, let's.
- OK.

[whistle blows]

I think the only way
to do this, really,

is to walk in what I believe to
be a completely straight line.

But already, that's not
very nice, is it?

OK, Alex. How's your back?

Here we go.

[she grunts] OK.

Go straight that way.

OK.

What's the slice of bread for?
Is that just one of those things?

Ah, breadcrumbs. I could leave
a trail of breadcrumbs.

Put me down for a second.

I've just realised the
point of the toast.

I should've put the toast
down where I started.

You've got one minute
and ten seconds to go.

Right, in that case, time to be
more liberal with the bread.

[Aisling screams] Ow! Ow, ow!

[Aisling] Put bread.

[Alex] Just be aware, now, I would.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Well, I don't see anything at all.

[whistle blows]

[she groans] That was so tiring.

[Alex] Was it?

[laughter]

Thank God I have these handy
little crumbs to keep me...

So when I blow the whistle,
you've got three minutes...

to work out where we started from.

[whistle blows]

[Mark] Now, where's the bread?

Where's the bread?

- [laughter]
- Alright, dog?

I found this old Quavers
bag full of water.

We must be close.

Is that where you think
you started?

[Mark] Well, roughly.

Why roughly?

Because the blindfold made it very
hard to know, in all fairness.

- This is where we started, is it?
- Yep.

Thank you, Aisling.

- Thank you, Alex.
- Goodbye.

[applause]

I love to see Alex
physically punished.

Of course.

So that was a big tick
in your favour,

but the bread realisation came late.

Yes, and I did actually have a
little munch at the start, as well,

just to have enough
energy for the task.

So I didn't have much toast left.

It was the furthest I've ever
carried an adult.

My previous record was 120 metres.

I had to take an aunt across
a car park at a wedding.

[laughter]

We can see on the map how
far I carried Aisling.

OK, she travelled 200 metres.

That's where she started, down there,

and then she sort of staggered
back that direction,

but didn't quite get far enough.

So she ended up only 64 metres
away from the starting point.

- Oh, but in the right direction.
- [Alex] In the right direction.

Which, in life, is not bad.

- And we can compare that to Mark.
- Not bad at all.

Mark walked 70 metres south-west.

He then should've gone north-east,

but he carried on going south.

[laughter]

So he ended up 140 metres
away from the start.

As you saw, I couldn't
find any of the bread,

but it makes sense.
It's 'cause it wasn't there.

[laughter]

It wasn't there because,
and this is incredible, Mark,

and absolutely indicative
of your luck on this show,

your bread was eaten by a dog.

[laughter]

[Greg] Who's next?

Next are two of our most
intelligent individuals,

Sally and Nish.

[whistle blows]

Oh, God. I wish I was
confident enough to run.

[Alex] Oh, you're running.

[laughter]

[she laughs]

[he yelps]

There was a ditch there, Nish.

[Alex] Yeah, a bit rougher
ground here.

[Nish] Forty. I'm counting my steps.

41, 42, 43...

- 61, 62, 63, 64...
- I have to warn you-- Stop!

Sixty-seven and then
turn to the right.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven...

[laughter]

Is this bread for any purpose?

[Alex] Bit bumpy here.

[Alex] Ten more seconds.
Be careful.

[Nish] Ow, ow, ow, ow!

[whistle blows]

[Alex] OK, you've got three minutes to get
back to your starting position.

[whistle blows]

[laughter]

Oh.

I've literally no...

I think I got to here and stopped.

Yes, this where you stopped. Yes.

[laughter]

[laughter]

I think it's over...

Did, like...?

[she exhales]

You've got one minute left, Nish.

[laughter]

OK, I think I didn't go that far.

I think it was...

Hmm.

You've got ten more seconds, Sally.

- [laughter]
- [whistle blows]

[Nish] Why did I not use the bread?

[applause]

Well, I just want to start by asking you
both a very specific question.

So what did you think
the bread was for?

Holding, Gregory.

Sally?

Right at the end, I went,

"Shit, I should have used
this as a compass!"

[laughter]

I think the thing that startled
me about you, Nish,

is if you've got a pet dog at
home and you blow in its face,

it absolutely baffles the dog,

absolutely confuses it,

and that was Nish's face
throughout this entire task.

The bread seemed to weigh you down,
'cause when you walked,

you just went in a circle.

You took 300 paces, but
travelled 15 metres.

- Do you wanna see some stats?
- Yeah.

Sally travelled 220 metres and then
headed back in the right direction.

She ended up just 74 metres away.

- [Nish] What?!
- So, not too bad.

- She ran all over.
- [Nish] Oh, my God.

- But more by luck than judgment.
- [Nish] That's really good.

Yeah.

[applause]

Nish ended up just 15 metres
from the starting point,

and then walked 180 metres

in the wrong direction.

- [laughter]
- Ended up 195 metres away.

But it's one point to
Nish, two to Mark,

three to Sally, four to Aisling,
and five to Bob Mortimer.

[cheers and applause]

Let's take our first look at the score-
board at this juncture, Alex.

OK, there's a three-way tie
for second place,

and Bob is one point ahead
of them. There we go.

[cheers and applause]

Alex Horne, what's next?

OK, we're going to have
our equivalent,

the Taskmaster equivalent
of the Winter Olympics.

Oh, shit.

[laughter]

Uh-oh!

I already know I'm going
to be brilliant at this!

Well, I dunno, really. I don't
know about this already.

This looks scary.

[Alex] Hello, Bob.

Hi there.

"Muster the biggest coconut
bobsleigh team."

"Most coconut bobsleigh team
members still on board..."

"...when their bobsleigh
comes to a halt wins."

"You may only use items in the caravan
to secure your coconuts."

"You will be disqualified--"
That's interesting.

"You will be disqualified if you use any
item used by another contestant."

Impossible to know what they've
used, though, of course.

"You have 20 minutes and one attempt."

"Your time starts now."

To the caravan!

[applause]

It is amazing how some
games on this show

can just give us a brief window into
the souls of the competitors.

I've written down everything
that they said.

Bob said nothing, he just
got on with it.

Aisling said, "I already know I'm
going to be brilliant at this!"

which is incredible.

Mark said, "Oh, I don't
know about this."

Sally said, "This looks scary."

And Nish went, "Oh, shit!"

[laughter]

Who are we gonna see first?

We're gonna have a
look, first of all,

just to see how to do it,
Mark Watson.

Oh dear.

By coincidence, there's a
coconut harness in here.

If you deployed this correctly, you could
put quite a lot of coconuts in it

and tape it to the skateboard.

This is like a prisoner's
dilemma or something.

We might think everyone's gonna
do it and then no one does it.

Right, let's think about this.
Still plenty of time.

Er...

There's an apron here, I don't...

Ah, Blu Tack!

I've found some blue tape.

It is basically about going
completely virgin

and just shoving all the coconuts
on and hoping for the best,

which is not the worst way of doing it.

Oh, there we go.
Now that's what we don't...

That's what we don't want to happen.

[laughter]

I mean, that's more than you'd have
in a real bobsleigh team, I think.

Oh, this is heavy.

It mustn't upturn. If it upturns,
we do have a problem.

And stay on, stay on,
stay on, stay on!

Stay on!

[laughter]

Pfft, I'll take it. I'll take it.

Well done, boys.

If anyone gets disqualified,
then I've beaten them.

[Alex] Well, thank you, Mark.

Well, thank you for
the opportunity.

[Alex] Bye-bye.

[applause]

Pretty powerful motivational
shit you were shouting there.

I had the idea that more of them
would stay on if I yelled at them.

We'll never know, 'cause we
didn't do a trial experiment.

Just "stay on", as well. Stay on, stay on

Stay on, stay on. Sometimes I say it
to myself when I'm just trying to...

[laughter]

I should say, it didn't have
to cross the finishing line,

it's when the skateboard
came to a halt.

Yeah.

Nevertheless, yeah, he put 19 on.

The harness would have held 18.

Yeah.

- Two stayed on.
- I admit it is not a great score.

- But I...
- We'll see.

It's a score, though.

Any score. I'm hoping that
maybe someone didn't do that.

Beep!

Yes, that's the end of part two.

Bye!

[laughter]

Part three, Alex?

[laughter]

Thank you, Greg. That's right.

Hello, my name is Alex Horne.

I'm gonna be 40 next year.

[laughter]

The brave contestants are trying
to send as many coconuts

down a ramp, on a skateboard,
as possible.

The goal: to have the most coconuts on
the board once it's come to a stop.

But if they use the same caravan-based
items to secure their coconuts

as anyone else, they're
gonna be disqualified.

We're gonna see Nish
and Aisling now.

Whoa.

Can I put the coconuts
in this thing?

[Alex] What is that?

It's a coconut harness.

I suppose so.

How do I know if other people
have used it already?

Do you think they might use
the coconut harness?

Yeah, I think they're probably
gonna use the coconut harness.

I'm definitely gonna use...

some of this fire hydrant stuff.

That'll be sticky, won't it, Alex?

[he chuckles]

But what if someone has used this?

- [laughter]
- Oh, God!

This game is so hard!

So I'm creating a larger
surface area, Alex,

to put the coconuts on.

I assume that's fine, Alex?

[Alex] As long as no one else uses it.

God, I hate this game!

[laughter]

I just wanna make, like,
a sort of barrier...

so the coconuts don't fall off.

[Alex] So it's a banana barrier.

Doesn't quite fit.

How's this work, then?

"Pull off the ring."

"Use upright, aim at base of fire."

See how that works.

I think-- [she screams]

Quick, get it on the thing!
Don't waste it on that!

[laughter]

Ah, Alex, you've ruined it.

Oh, God! It's so heavy!

[she grunts]

[she gasps]

It is bloody heavy.

Oh, God. Oh, it's gonna...
not gonna work.

Argh!

We have the classic underdog.

Sometimes, in life...

you have to dare to dream!

[laughter]

For Ireland... is the greatest
bobsleigh country...

in the wo-o-o-o-orld!

Come on, lads!

Keep going!

Ireland's the greatest country...

in the wooorld.

...ooorld.

Yeeaah!

[applause]

Well, she said she would
be good at it,

and I thought Aisling
absolutely smashed that.

[Alex] Yeah.

Thanks, Greg. Compliment.

I think that is the first ever
use of the banana barrier.

- [laughter]
- I think you may own the banana barrier.

It also is biodegradable, edible.

After you've finished
using it for anything,

you just go back and go...
[nibbling noises]

Eat it.

[Greg] You do.

- Nish.
- Nish.

Yes, hello.

What a great achievement
I had, as well.

Yeah.

It started off brilliantly. It looked like you
were gonna get the whole team down.

It wasn't bad, either. He put 35 in.
No one so far has used the same item.

Thirteen stayed on. Unlucky 13.

Yeah.

Thirteen alive?

Thirteen alive. Unlucky number.

And how many, sorry,
did Aisling get?

Fourteen.

[they gasp]

Oooh, suspense, Nishi.

You should have held your
boys in with fruit.

[laughter]

- Not the first time that's been said to me.
- Gotta use the banana barrier, guys.

Who are we gonna see now, Alex?

Bob and Sally now.

[Aisling] Woo!

- Only one attempt?
- [Alex] Yeah.

So I can't test this on there.

You can test, but when you're actually
doing your attempt, that will be the one.

OK, I might just... I might just...

I might just...

[laughter]

[both laughing]

[she laughs]

Gonna have a look in the caravan.

Well, I have a plan, people.
I have a plan.

Coconut harness.
Yeah, it's so tempting.

"If I use that, I'm disqualified."
Everyone will think that.

So should I just use it?

And we can all move on, you know?

Oh, I don't know whether I should just do
this one and not try to be clever.

OK... I've got a plan.

Have you taken down my curtain?

Yeah.

Now I'm thinking everyone's
gonna use the curtain.

[laughter]

So they're going in the curtain.

Yeah. I mean, yeah.

Ooh, they are heavy.

Shit!

- [laughter]
- Oh, we've lost two!

- Good luck, Bob.
- Thank you.

It's not me being shithouse.
I can't get any...

[laughter]

[laughter]

That's my attempt.

[Alex] Thanks, Bob.

I see myself coming down that ramp

with all the coconuts in a
beige velour curtain bag

like some kind of sick Santa.

- [Bob] Uh-oh.
- [Aisling] Oh, no!

Right.

[audience groans]

[she strains]

Yes. OK.

[she grunts]

Right, now...

Just need to... Here we go...

Ye-e-e-e-es!

[applause]

I mean, that has got to stick
in your craw, hasn't it?

Soz.

- Honestly, I'm just thrilled...
- [Bob] Sorry.

...that my mind works, sometimes,

in the same way as the
venerable Bob Mortimer.

Hey, Greg, but would you
have allowed it?

Would I have allowed yours?

Either of them.

I would have allowed Sally's.

The coconuts were on
the skateboard.

And mine were beside
the skateboard.

[laughter]

[Bob] I get you.

Sometimes my job gets done
for me, doesn't it?

[laughter]

It does mean that Bob and Sally
don't get any points for that.

Then it goes Mark with three,
Nish with four,

- Aisling Bea wins the task!
- [Greg] Boom!

[cheers and applause]

What do we have coming
up next, Alex?

I'm afraid we're gonna mess
with Nish's brain again.

It's another bloody referendum.

[they groan]

Oh.

Just trying to look
natural on camera.

This does not look authorised.

"Vote for which contestant you think
should receive five bonus points."

"The contestant who receives the most votes
will receive five bonus points."

"You may vote for yourself."

"If, however, you vote for yourself
and fail to receive most votes,

you will lose two points."

Ah, there's a polling
booth there. Lucky.

That's convenient, actually.

See, if I vote for myself...

I'm at risk.

But on the other hand...

I do think I should receive
all the bonus points.

The guys will all vote
for themselves,

except... Bob, who is
a kind of wild card.

And Aisling and I will vote
for other people.

[Nish] Passed my vote.

Done.

Democracy.

[applause]

So they're voting for someone
to get five bonus points.

I guess the tactic is to vote for who
you think is the weakest person,

- to improve their score.
- [Greg] Yep.

Sally voted for Bob,
Bob voted for Sally.

- [Alex] That's nice.
- [all] Aww!

[Alex] Aisling also voted for Sally.

Aww.

So far, so true. So far no one's
voted for themselves.

- Yeah, but...
- What do you think Mark and Nish did?

I mean...

[laughter]

They voted for themselves.
Exactly what Sally said came true.

Sally gets five points.
They both lose two points.

- [Nish laughs]
- [applause]

[Alex] It was incredible.

The scoreboard now looks
very even. It looks like this.

Sally and Aisling are
both at the top,

followed by Mark and Bob,

and there's Nish.

There we go. The scoreboard.

[applause]

That is fast becoming the
subtitle of this series.

- "And there's Nish."
- "And there's Nish."

[laughter]

OK, we've got time for
another one, right?

Jolly good. Here you go.

Bonjour, Alex.

[Alex] Hello, Aisling.

Oh, right, fine. Don't reply in
the language I came in with.

[Alex] Hello, Sally.

Hi. Is this an art task?

I'm wearing day-of-the-week socks.

But it's the wrong day.

I don't give an S.

Primary school.

- Feeling. Vibe.
- [Alex] OK.

Just saying.

[Alex] Was it a happy time?

- For me?
- Yeah.

My first day wasn't.

Someone had done a poo
in the sandpit.

[laughter]

"Make a funny little flick-book film."

"The mat beneath your feet..."

[quietly] "...is the paper."

"The camera above your head will
take photos of your paper."

"Funniest little flick-book film wins."

"You have one hour."

"Now flick the flick-book."

"Your time start... Your time sta..."

"Your time s... Your time... Y."

I did it backwards, didn't I, Alex?

[laughter]

[applause]

Er, who shat in the sandpit?

- [laughter]
- I'll never know.

I remember it was sweet.

- [laughter]
- That's all I remember.

I mean, at that age, something brown
and cylindrical, it's going in.

- [laughter]
- Pop it in.

So, uh, we're gonna see Bob's first,

who did an instructional video
on how to peel a banana.

[laughter]

- [laughter]
- [audience gasps]

- [cheers and applause]
- That was amazing! I fucking loved that.

We have, of course, made it
into a flick-book. There it is.

- Wanna have a go?
- That's a work of art.

- That is...
- It's technically excellent.

Really satisfying, Bob.

It really was exceptional.
Who's next?

Uh, do you want to see Sally's one?

- Oh, yes.
- OK, this is Sally's.

[Sally meows]

Le chat boing-boing.
Le chat boing-boing.

Le chat boing-boing. [she gasps]

Les chapeaux! Uh-oh,
attention, chapeaux!

Ils sont dangereux. Oh, non!

Oh, non, petit chat!

Les chapeaux!

[she screams]

Le chat a été mangé par
les chapeaux. Uh-oh!

Fin.

[laughter and applause]

Do you want me to... I could translate
it while you look at the flick.

My French is not all that, so if you
could translate it into English,

I think I'd get a full
understanding of the film.

"The cat is boing-boing. The cat is boing-
boing. The cat is boing-boing."

"The hat. Uh-oh, watch out for the hats!
The hats are dangerous."

"Oh, no, little cat! The hats!"

"The cat has been eaten
by the hats. Uh-oh."

- [laughter]
- It's better in French, isn't it?

- End?
- End? Oh, sorry. End.

And if you eat bananas, the
chat definitely boing-boings.

[laughter]

Right, quick break.

One part to go, and that
features a live task,

so until then, or perhaps for ever,

goodbye, everyone.

Hello. Welcome back to every
single one of you.

Alex, what were we doing
before the break?

We were having a good old flick.

- [laughter]
- Who's next?

Do you want to have a
look at Aisling's?

- Yes, please.
- OK, this is more complicated.

Hmm.

[laughter]

[dog panting]

[heavy thud]

[popping sounds]

[flies buzzing]

[squelching noise]

[applause]

[Bob] It is complicated.

I want to, if I may, drill
down into the narrative,

because I do think
this is an allegory.

Yes.

My perception is that
you think that love

is jumping at the wrong man

him deflecting you

and, by chance, you ending in
the arms of the right man,

and then you're forced to eat shit.

[laughter]

Yeah, that's actually it. Yeah.

Ring my mother, she'll tell you that's
pretty much my relationship history.

Because when you meet the
right guy, you think,

"Oh, this is gonna be great.
This is gonna be amazing."

And they're like, "No, I brought
all my past issues."

[blows raspberry]

[laughter]

In the form of dog shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, from this
other bitch I was seeing.

[laughter]

[Greg] Who's next, Alex?

Two left to see,

and the first of the last to
see is Mark Watson.

[gentle guitar music plays]

[laughter]

[melancholy music plays]

[jaunty music plays]

[laughter]

[applause]

Well, you should all know
that Mark and Alex

have been friends for 20 years, so...

And most of it's been like that.

Yeah, some real beauty there.

It was a very simple story of
friends getting together,

sharing some experiences, falling out
because of the selfishness of one of them,

and then that friend atoning for it.

You atoned with a kiwi fruit.

Atoned with a kiwi fruit,
the traditional method.

- And you ate the kiwi fruit together.
- We did, yeah.

I don't know, were there slight
homoerotic undertones?

Slight?

Well, that kind of stuff does really
well at the box office, so yeah.

Oh, OK.

I thought it was really touching,

and I loved the way we could
see your pants all throughout.

Le chat dans le pantalons.

[laughter]

We are gonna see the chat one
more time now, if that's alright?

Yeah.

We're gonna see the final film, Nish,

who did feature le chatty boing-boing.

Oui.

[Alex] Here it is.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

Où est le chat?!

Le est dans le Nish.

[laughter]

Oh, that is an absolutely
savage piece of filmmaking.

[laughter]

I can barely separate them.

- But if I had to...
- Which you do.

Purely on artistic merit,

if I were to give
two films the edge,

I would give Bob and Nish's
pieces of work the edge.

They were technically
very proficient.

- So five points to both of them?
- I would give five points to them.

Then the other three,
who I also hugely enjoyed,

I would give three points each.

Oh!

OK, so we've got two first places,
and three third places.

[Alex] That's how it works.
Three third places.

[applause]

Oh, God, d'you know what?

I've just been wondering,
what are the series scores like?

I thought you might mean that.
Well, I've got them here.

It is tight. We've got
Nish Kumar on 90.

Yes!

And then we jump up a bit.
We've got Sally...

[laughter]

Sally's on 112.

[Nish laughs]

[Alex] Aisling on 114, Mark 115,
Bob 117. It's within five points.

- [audience gasps]
- Within five, and then Nish.

[applause]

- It's between Aisling and Sally in this episode.
- [Greg] Let's have a look.

[Alex] 15 points each at this
stage. One task to go.

[applause]

Please head to the stage for
the final task of the show!

[cheers and applause]

Hello, Greg.

Hello, Alex.

Would you please tell me who's going
to read out tonight's final task?

It's gonna be Aisling Bea.

Thank you, sir.

[laughter]

Perfect.

"Send the most things
to the Taskmaster."

"Items must travel via zip line and land on
your segment of the Taskmaster's table."

"You may not move from your
current position."

[Mark] Yeah.

"You have..." [she gasps]

"100 seconds!"

OK, yeah, I'll blow the
whistle to start.

It was very dramatic.
It was very dramatic.

I realise I'm not a very
dramatic person, yeah.

OK, so you've got 100
seconds. Good luck.

Your time starts...
[blows whistle]

[audience cheers]

[Alex] Stay on the mat, please,
Aisling. Stay on the mat.

- Do stay on the mat, please, Bob.
- Sorry.

[Alex] Do stay on the mat.
Do stay on the mat.

[Nish] Oh, what? How's he done that?!

Bob Mortimer, basket in.

[Alex] Oh, we've got a problem here.
Oh, you must stay on the mat.

- [Alex] Yes?
- Can I get the wire?

Real problems here. She let go of it,
but she must stay on the mat.

[Nish] Come on, the bra! No!

Fuck off!

She's on the mat.

[cheers and applause]

You've 35 seconds left,
35 seconds left!

- Come on, shoe!
- [Alex] The shoe's on!

[Nish] Damn you! Damn you,
I'll see you in hell!

[laughter]

Why can't I get the coat hanger
on there? Come on, you prick!

[laughter]

[Alex] They must travel
via the zip wire.

Stay on your mat, please, Aisling.

- Come on, you prick!
- Stay on your mat, Aisling.

Stay on your mat. Stay on your mat.

You stupid monkey prick!

[Alex] You've got five seconds left.

[Alex] You've got three seconds left.

Two, one... [blows whistle]

[cheers and applause]

Come down and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores!

[applause]

Well...

Varying degrees of skill there, Alex.

I was very concerned for
your safety, Greg.

Yes, so was I, Nish.

[laughter]

Sometimes you get caught up
in the heat of the moment

and you chuck a coconut
at a massive white dude.

[laughter]

Unacceptable. Nul points.

Um, I thought it was a
lovely juxtaposition.

At one point, Bob was just very
delicately sending paper clips down.

[Greg] And very effectively. And just
to his right, Aisling was shouting,

"Get down there, you monkey prick."

[laughter]

Um, how did Mark do?

Er, Mark did pretty well.
He got five things down.

He started with the... How did you
get the balloons down there?

In the little basket.

He put the balloons in
the little basket.

Everyone had a nice run with
the basket, I noticed.

Not Sally, because she
dropped the rope.

[laughter]

So, no points for Sally?

Well, it depends how you want
to dish out the points.

Are you disqualifying Nish for
throwing coconuts at you?

No, I'm not going to disqualify Nish,

because, let's face it,

the guy's broken.

[laughter]

So it's Sally, then Aisling,

then Nish in third,
who got four things in,

Mark got five. Bob, eight items.

Wow!

[cheers and applause]

There's a change in the leaderboard.

The leaderboard now looks like this!

The winner is Mr Bob Mortimer!

[cheers and applause]

Well done, Bob. Will you
please head to the stage

and have fun fondling your
surprisingly expensive items!

[cheers and applause]

How much loo roll do
you have left, Alex?

I've got 84. Enough for
three more dirts.

[laughter]

So what have we learnt today?

Nous avons appris que les chats

est dans les chapeaux,

et les chat est dans Nish.

Le chat ils fait mort.

Et Alex c'est un dick.

[laughter]

That's it for another Taskmaster.

Well done to Bob and see you
next time for the grand finale!

Good night!

[subtitles by tribbletown]