All language subtitles for Tsk55

Hello, I'm Greg Davies and
this is Taskmaster.

Thanks for having us
in your lives.

It's episode five of series five,
and there are five contestants,

each waiting to battle it out
for a maximum of five points

in the five tasks we've scheduled
for tonight's competition.

Coincidence?

- Yeah, it is coincidence.
- [laughter]

Let's meet the people with a rampant
desire to take home this...

[he gasps] Oooh.

...overtly sensual statue trophy.

Please welcome our contestants.

They are... Aisling Bea!

Bob Mortimer!

Mark Watson!

Nish Kumar!

And Sally Phillips!

And as pathetic as he
is sycophantic,

desperate and irritating,

it's Alex Hooorne!

[cheers and applause]

Hello.

Thank you for writing your
own introduction.

Pleasure.

What else have you been up to?

I've been very busy, actually.

I've been mainly working... I've been
working on my alibi quite a lot.

Just, uh...

I'm fairly convinced I'm gonna be
caught up in a serious crime,

so I'm just sort of getting
my story straight.

OK?

But you haven't done a crime?

Not yet, so I'm just, um...

No, I don't think I will,
but I'm just thinking,

if I do get caught up in something,
I need witnesses.

Where were you last
Thursday at 3 p.m.?

Well, I'll have to call Peter.

[laughter]

See? It works.

- Specifically Peter.
- Mm-hm.

I mean, fine. What's today's
prize category?

OK, well, today it's a good one.

We've asked them to bring in
their most high-octane item.

This is exciting. You're going to judge
whose is the most high-octane,

and at the end of the show, at the end
of the white-knuckle ride of a show,

one of them will go home with
all five high-octane items.

All to play for.
OK, Mark Watson.

What have you brought
and why is it so?

I thought, "What would
I be most scared of?"

I took "high-octane" to mean
adrenaline-inducing,

- frightening, basically.
- OK.

And the most frightening thing I
could think of was stealing something.

Specifically from you,
um, Taskmaster.

So my high-octane item is
a pair of your trousers.

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

A couple of weeks ago, you performed
at the Comedy Garden in Bristol,

- and I had liaised with some of the other acts.
- And I lost my trousers!

[laughter]

Nothing to do with me.

That is amazing, because
the last thing I said,

as I left that gig, was,
"Who loses fucking trousers?"

[laughter]

And you've made swear now, you minge!

- My accomplice was Ed Gamble.
- Ed Gamble, yeah.

The comedian Ed Gamble.

And I though that he got in
his car very quickly, as well.

Yes, he got in his car quickly
'cause I was on the phone to him,

going, "Go! Leave, leave!"

[laughter]

That is an undeniably
high-octane item.

I mean, my heart's beating now,
thinking about it.

Sally, what is your
high-octane item?

I found a product so high-octane,
it's actually illegal in this country.

Now we're talking.

Yeah. High-octane feed for show pigs.

Yes, we have it here.

[laughter]

It just makes a pig instantly enormous.

I don't know if you remember
the pictures of...

Instantly? Like a rip-pull?

Yeah, it's like... Do you remember
the Agragrian Revoluted pigs?

Those pictures from history, the pictures
of the Agrarian Revolution pigs.

Oh, the Agrarian Revolutionary pigs.

You and I were chatting about
those the other day.

[laughter]

Nish?

I've brought a high-octane item.

It was a present that was given
to me for my 21st birthday.

OK.

So we're talking ten years ago now,

and it's a mobile phone
hands-free kit.

And what it actually really is,
it's just a massive rubber band.

So, I mean, that...

[laughter]

Now, the reason it's high-
octane is that, after a while,

that really cuts the blood
flow to your brain.

[laughter]

So it really depends on
how long you fancy

carrying the conversation on for,
and the longer the minutes go,

the closer you are to genuine death.

I don't know about you, Alex,
but I always feel settled

when we've found out who's
last in the first round.

- Yes.
- [laughter]

Aisling?

I bandied about a few
suggestions at Alex,

until eventually he decided to
tell me what "octane" meant.

It's dangerous. So, gardening...

A big passion of mine.

- I'm sorry, does it mean danger?
- I don't think it does mean danger.

- Well, I mean, it's risky.
- High-risk.

- Adrenaline-fuelled activities.
- Yes, so gardening.

[laughter]

Oh, God, so you can imagine the scene.
You haven't cut the grass in a while.

You can't remember where
you left A) your rake,

or B) that custard pie you
made and left out.

Oh, my God. If they've been
combined and I walk into them.

Ka-boom!

- You can see the rake and custard pie.
- That's my item. You see?

- [laughter and applause]
- [Aisling] High octane.

Bob?

It's a rocket bike that
I made for my son.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

I did a radio phone-in where I
claimed that my son was a fast runner,

and another parent from the
school phoned in and said,

"Not as fast as my son."

And he was telling the truth.

So I challenged him to
speed-cycling,

and this is the rocket bike
I made for my son.

- [laughter]
- [Aisling] Whoa!

[Greg] And your son... You lit it and
it did propel your son?

Yes, well, no. He propelled it,
but it gave it that kind of vibe...

You know, that feeling of speed.

- Sort of jazz hands.
- Yeah.

Yeah, like it was a bike
like that, yeah.

Yeah.

OK, I mean, this is gonna
surprise you, I think.

- Mark, I'm gonna put in last place...
- YES!

...because he stole my
fucking trousers.

I did think that could happen, yeah.

Nish can come crashing in, for
obvious reasons, into fourth.

- Oh, easy come, easy go.
- [Alex] He's still happy.

Still happy.

The trouble is, there is
part of me that wants

to get smashed in the face by
a custard pie at all times,

and feel the same, I know,
so Aisling comes in at third.

And this is gonna
surprise everyone,

but I want my high-octane--
[he laughs]

[laughter]

It's just me, but I want my
high-octane goods pig-based.

So I'm gonna put Bob in second
with his rocket bike,

- and the lustrous pig meal in first.
- [laughter]

- Sally Phillips gets five points.
- Who would have expected it?

[Greg] Who would have expected it?

On we trudge. What's first?

And off we go.

Hello-o-o?

[Alex] Hi, Sally.

Hello there, Andy.

[Alex] Alex.

Alex.

[laughter]

Oh, I don't like things
with balloons in.

[Alex] You don't like things
with balloons?

I don't really like balloons, no.

They make me nervous.

[Alex] Why's that?

Well, they burst and all sorts,
and also I'm not good at blowing them up.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's see what the task is.

"Put the biggest thing
inside this balloon."

Oh, Alex, again? That's disgusting.

"The balloon must then be
successfully inflated..."

"...tied, and bigger than your head."

I have ten minutes.

The biggest thing.

This is bad news, 'cause for a start,

I don't know that I can manually
inflate a balloon.

I, Alex, famously, in my family,

cannot blow up a balloon.

My time starts now.

[applause]

So Mark and Aisling both claim not
to be able to blow up balloons.

No claim about it, it's just pure fact.

What is that? Have you
not got enough muscle

structure around your lips?
What's going on?

I use too much of it for
pouting on selfies.

[laughter]

Here's Mark and Aisling, Mark being
mildly phobic of balloons. Here we go.

Could I put a load of things in it?
Like a load of biscuits?

[Alex] Mm-hm.

I don't really know where
you go from there.

I'm just gonna see, first of all,
if I can fit a cherry tomato in.

It says the balloon must be inflated.
It doesn't say I have to do it.

I think that's gonna be the only way.
I'm gonna have to get an assistant.

But what is the biggest
thing that could go in it?

Can I fit a load of cherry
tomatoes in it?

[Alex] If you think a load of cherry
tomatoes is a thing, then that's OK.

Yeah, 'cause once they mush
together, they make a sauce.

[Alex] So you're putting a
tomato sauce in there?

Actually, I'm putting in bruschetta.

So, look, let's just put this...
For example, this will go in here.

They're nice and round.

A breadstick.

Break that in.

I mean, what if I ask one
of the people here?

Do you reckon you could do this?

Oh, I hate it when balloons do that.

So, I'd like you to blow it
bigger than my head.

So if you use my head as a...

Oh, my God!

- Now that, I reckon...
- [Alex] Yes.

So that is bigger than my head,
so that is an entry now.

Oh no, it won't be me tying that.
I don't think I can do that either.

[Alex] Sorry, can you not
tie a balloon, Mark?

Er, well, I wouldn't have
thought so, no.

In my balloon today is a very
simple bruschetta dish.

And I think... you can safely say...

that it is bigger than my head.

Oh, this is making me feel very...

He's done it, he's done it.
There we go.

Alright, well...

Thanks, everyone. I hope we'll work
on a task together soon.

[Alex] Thanks, Mark.

[applause]

Well, I mean, who doesn't enjoy a delicious
bruschetta rammed into a balloon?

[laughter]

Lovely job.

Then you burst it and it's ready to eat.

[Greg] Yeah!

I like to open all my lunches
with a loud explosion sound.

Um, OK, Mark. What's
wrong with you?

[laughter]

Come on, Watso.

It would take probably too
long to go into...

Come on, mate. You're a father.

Yeah, I know. Imagine how many parties
I have to go to with balloons and stuff.

I bloody hate them.

Do you eat proper grown-up food?

If somebody cuts it up.
If someone cuts it up for me.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Normally the sound guy cuts it up for me.

Well, I can tell you that Mark,
despite the fear,

he did manage to place a single small
pebble in the uninflated balloon.

But then he did get it inflated,
so I think it's fine.

So the score so far is one
very small pebble,

and Aisling got nine tomatoes,
two breadsticks,

and a little bit of bread as well.

- Or a bruschetta.
- A bruschetta.

Yes. It's break time.

My absolute favourite.
See you again soon.

Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Alex Horne, would you please update me
like a very good little boy?

I'll do my best.

So it's balloon-filling. Not an easy one,
not as easy as it sounds.

We're gonna see Bob
and Sally now.

Well, Bob Mortimer probably
got a penguin in it.

Maybe... I can repair a balloon.

So I could cut the balloon...

Am I allowed to have
these thoughts?

[Alex] You can have whatever
thoughts you want, Bob.

And you're not gonna advise me
in any way. I appreciate that.

You're not that type of guy.

Well, I don't think the
sofa's gonna fit.

So maybe I'll just work
down from the sofa.

Pineapple's a strong contender.

The bell jar's slightly bigger
than the pineapple, is it?

And I've also brought a vine,
which is quite a big concept.

That's not as stretchy
as I was hoping.

Little out of practice with
this kind of thing.

It's just like reverse
childbirth, right?

- Getting the baby into the Femidom.
- [laughter]

Put the biggest thing inside it.

Could that thing be liquid?

There's taps here and that,
isn't there?

Plenty of taps.

Slippy hands.

It's a shame the task wasn't
"make a good noise".

[Alex] 15 seconds.

I'm not gonna do it.

Three, two, one...

[blows whistle]

I didn't tie it.

Let's get the concept of a vine.

- [laughter]
- [whistle blows]

[Alex] Bigger than your head?
Are you saying that's...?

Yeah, certainly bigger than my brain.

[she laughs]

[applause]

I've never seen a de-escalation
like that before.

Your initial opening was sofa.

You went sofa, bell jar,
little wooden man,

bunch of grapes.

[laughter]

Can I say, Taskmaster,
I'm a little bit, like, fed up.

Do you know, because...

I don't believe Sally
blew her balloon up.

I did!

We never have controversy on
this show. This is awesome.

What are you complaining about, Bob?
Because Sally's balloon went down.

No, it's just that my only
problem was tying the balloon.

I would say, Bob, that it says "inflate",
which is from the Latin...

fiatare, which means "to blow".

So one could say that water didn't...
I mean, if we're being pedantic.

Well, if we're being pedantic, you put some
grapes in it and didn't blow it up.

[laughter and applause]

I don't think, Bob, that it
said anywhere that you

weren't allowed to ask
someone else to tie it up.

No, and all I'm saying is,
I don't want any credit for it,

I just wanted to say I'm fed up.

[laughter]

I think he's right to be fed up.
I also feel fed up.

Right, having said that,
the two people who can't

blow or tie up balloons
are now in the lead.

- [Greg] OK.
- Yes!

Up next, it's...

It's Nish.

[laughter]

What about this stone?

The problem, really, here,
is the balloon.

If it was just a task of
"find a big thing"...

it'd be so easy.

Let's try a smaller stone.

Straight in.

Right, just a series of stones.

I wonder if that constitutes an object.

[Alex] I'd say a pile of stones.

A pile of stones. There we go.

How many constitutes a pile
of stones, do you reckon?

[Alex] A hundred.

- [laughter]
- Let's get another stone in there.

Come on, you stony shit.

And another stone.

Now they're just slippin' down.

It's like a bag of change
from a medieval film.

[Alex] Two minutes, Nish.

Oh, God. OK.

Not quite.

[audience groans]

[whistle blows]

- [laughter]
- [he laughs]

[Alex] Thank you, Nish.

[applause]

See you later.

[applause]

I don't think it'd be
uncharitable to say that

Nish has done fabulously
badly across the series.

Yeah.

I really felt like this was
your big chance, mate.

You know, simple thing.

The way that these all keep
getting put together is, they go,

"And now here's all the people
who are still in the game."

"And now Nish!"

- [laughter]
- Now Nish, yeah.

So, lovely. Unfortunately, we've got to
go by the literal rules of the game.

So you can just tell us who
successfully blew up the balloon,

and who got the biggest thing in it.

Weirdly, the bruschetta wins it.

- Oh!
- So Aisling gets five points.

[cheers and applause]

And Mark gets four points
for a very small pebble

- in a balloon.
- Done by somebody else.

That does mean, scoreboard-wise,
Aisling is now in the lead,

and Nish is, er, last.

- Ah!
- [Greg] Oh!

[applause]

What's next, Alex?

Well, we've got another task, and...

This one's gonna have everyone gossiping
in the office about it tomorrow.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

Hmmm.

Hrm, hrm, hrm.

[Alex] Hi, Bob!

Hello!

Right, so...

What do we have here?

"Generate a water cooler moment
involving this water cooler."

"Most remarkable water
cooler moment wins."

"You have one hour."

"Your time starts now."

[he laughs]

So I've got to come up with something
that's gonna get people talking.

And a "water cooler moment"
we're defining as something

that people talk about
around a water cooler.

I've never actually had
a water cooler moment.

I'm a water cooler virgin.

Good luck, Alex.

- Thank you, Bob.
- Thank you.

[applause]

Alright, we're looking for
a water cooler moment.

It's like a segment in a TV show that's
worth discussing the next day,

- especially in the workplace.
- Thank you for defining that.

We're gonna start with Bob's
water cooler moment.

Right, here it is.

[he whistles]

Oh, look. Somebody's left
their Royal Gala apple

on the water cooler.

So what I'll do for you is I'll rip
this into two perfect halves

using my bare hands.

I'll just rotate it for you slowly,

so you can see it's
a perfectly normal

untamperèd-with apple.

[laughter]

It's gonna blow.

- Oh, it's so close!
- [laughter]

[cheers and applause]

- Well, there you go.
- Love it!

I mean, Jesus Christ, it's
incredible, isn't it?

It's something I can do.

I've recently learnt how to
peel a hard-boiled egg

in one piece, but I didn't have
that skill when we filmed this.

So you're just always evolving.

Well, I now have two skills
of which I'm proud.

You're like the worst
superhero of all time.

Bob, it's absolutely incredible.

I've actually seen it before.
I've been on a TV show with you.

- Oh, you were there. Yes!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I'm still amazed.

- That's the thing I can do.
- That's how powerful it is.

So Bob did do that before on
Would I Lie to You?

and that moment went viral.

So, I mean, that was exactly an
example of a water cooler moment.

It was.

[Alex] There are 500,000 hits of you...

Shit!

...doing the apple. Yeah.

Really?

- [Greg] Yeah.
- [Alex] Yeah.

Who's next?

Well, Aisling next.

OK then, let's do it.

Whoa, this boat.

- [laughter]
- I don't wanna go overboard.

Whoa... Whoa!

- [she screams]
- [laughter]

[laughter and applause]

I meant to do that.

Water.

Cooler.

Moments.

That's me. That's...

[Alex] Great stuff, Aisling.
Thank you.

No, thank you, Alex.

[applause]

I forgot that happened.

Yeah, no, you capsized
on a driveway.

- Yeah, I did.
- [laughter]

I mean, honestly, the literal
interpretation of the task,

I was like, "Eh, this is OK."

When it all went wrong for you,
now that's a water cooler moment.

I'm glad.

Yeah. Bob asked me why I was fishing.

I was fishing for a moment.

By the way, I can see
they're, like, Galaxy.

They're not actual Moments.

- We tried to find Moments.
- They were discontinued in the 90s.

- [laughter]
- Yeah, I'm disappointed that happened.

Yeah, well, I'm not.

I thought it was, um, tremendous,

and I enjoyed watching
you in a small plastic boat.

Pffffbt.

There was some accidental
water cooler...

Yes?

...shiz, I'm gonna say.

- So I'm down with the kids.
- OK. When are you gonna say it?

- You've said it, haven't you?
- I'll say it again.

When you're not expecting it.

- OK.
- Shiz.

- I wasn't expecting that!
- Yeah, yeah.

We're gonna see one more
before the break.

Um, I think you'll enjoy it, Greg.

This is Sally Phillips's
water cooler moment.

- [caravan creaking]
- [Sally moaning]

- [sultry music plays]
- [ecstatic cries]

[laughter]

[water sloshing]

[Sally's cries continue]

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Your water cooler moment...

Well, it was fucking a
water cooler, wasn't it?

- [laughter]
- Yeah.

I didn't have a better idea.

No, you didn't.

And I kept saying, "I probably
shouldn't do this."

And then you guys, like
a whole ring of men,

going, "No, I think you
probably should."

- Yeah, I bet they were.
- [laughter]

"Ring of men" sounds...

Yeah.

And then once I'd established that
as a kind of theme for the show,

but now we're into episode five, it's kind
of almost dull that I did that.

Not for me, not for me.

I don't think anyone found
it dull, Sally.

- [Greg] No, it was incredible.
- It was definitely unexpected.

Gosh, yeah, and quite a
climax to the whole...

[laughter]

I think we all need to calm down
a little bit and take a break.

We'll see you in a few sex.
Seconds. Secs.

[laughter]

Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Before the break,
I was having a moment.

Yes, a water cooler moment.

Bob broke an apple, Aisling
cracked a cooler,

and Sally popped a cherry. Next up...

[laughter]

Next up, and let's not forget,

there's a chance he's done
exactly the same as Sally,

it's Mark Watson.

[laughter]

Uh...

Write on this the general idea.

I'm gonna call it the
Watson Cooler.

I sent a Twitter message out,
saying can anyone come

within the next half-hour
and collect this.

So this gentleman called Mark,
he'll take it,

and we just have to see
what happens after that.

OK, well, we just wait for the man.

Here he comes.

Hello, mate.

- Thanks very much for coming at no notice.
- No worries.

What I want is to create a
kind of chain of positivity

by as many people as possible
writing nice messages,

and there's all round the
other side as well.

And passing it one person at a time...

Right.

...as far as possible
around the country.

OK.

Don't quite know how the
top comes off this.

But, yeah, there we go.

Shame to waste all this water, but I
suppose if we do it over there,

then the old tree will
grow a bit more.

If you can jam that in your
car any way you can.

- Good luck, Mark.
- Cool, thank you very much.

- I'll stay in touch.
- No worries.

We'll see what happens,
but at the very least,

I trust him to move it
on to someone else.

[Alex] At the very least, you've given
someone a water cooler.

[laughter]

[applause]

Do you want to see how far
the water cooler went?

Yeah, yeah.

We're all expecting it to
be pretty impressive.

Yeah.

Well, OK, if we start on
the graphic of the globe.

[laughter]

We do have to zoom in slightly,
just to register it first.

But we'll see where it started off.
It started off there at the Taskmaster house.

Yeah.

It then went to this man called
Mark in south-west London.

It stayed it south-west London,
it went to south London,

and then it went to south-east London.

Wow.

And that's where it stopped. So it's not...

[laughter]

It went 33 miles in five months.

It would've been faster
if it had just rolled.

[laughter]

Which was my plan B actually, yeah.

[laughter]

Well, there's one
person left. It's Nish.

[Greg] It's Last Place Kumar!

You know what they say, Gregory.

Let's save the best till Nish.

[laughter]

[spaghetti western music plays]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[applause]

[cheers and applause]

OK, and this is saying a lot,

in slow motion, that's one of the
shittest things I've ever seen.

- Can we actually see it in...?
- In real time?

- In real time?
- Oh, no!

[laughter]

It doesn't get better for you,
Nish. It doesn't get better.

[he screams]

[laughter and applause]

And at the time, at the time
you were so pleased.

You were so pleased
when you did it.

Again, ambition did not
quite match result.

Well, in that, your foot
went no higher

than if you'd just walked
past the water cooler.

There's a lot to unpick, and you've
got to do that with numbers.

OK, I'm gonna do it really quickly.

There is no denying that,
in five months,

moving a water cooler two
miles is rubbish.

So I'm sorry, Mark.
You must go there.

The literal interpretation
means that, unfortunately,

- Aisling has to come in next.
- Ah, balls.

I'm gonna put Bob next,
not 'cause it's not brilliant,

just 'cause 500,000 people have
already seen him rip an apple.

So he's gonna have to bring
his egg game next time.

And this is gonna amaze you.

You know, that was so shit...

that I feel people will be
talking about it.

So Kumar, through his own shitness,
has come second for the first time.

Yes!

[cheers and applause]

And I don't think there is
any need for me to tell you

- why Sally Phillips came first.
- [laughter]

Well, came first?
Did she? Who knows.

[Greg] Sally Phillips is
the winner of that!

[cheers and applause]

Alex Horne, what is next?

Well, we've seen Mark with these
tactics of taking his time

and really throwing himself
into a task with research.

So we thought we would
make the most of that

aspect of your character
by setting you

your own special task,
which you didn't know...

- [laughter]
- What?

We set you, and only you, this task.

Oh, hi, Alex.

[Alex] Oh. Hello, Mark.

In the old lab.

A phone, an old phone.

[he laughs]

Er...

"Send the Taskmaster...

an anonymous cheeky
text message...

every single day for the
next five months."

[laughter]

- [Alex] 150.
- 150, yeah. 150 texts.

[laughter and applause]

N-nobody else was doing it?

[Alex] Nope.

This task has overshadowed
five months of my life.

[laughter]

And his.

I mean, it's interesting, isn't it,

that Alex, when he set the
task on my behalf,

thought to give you a fake phone,

but thought it was OK to
give you my real number.

[laughter]

I'm really sorry.

Every day you got a little text.

Every single day.

For five months.

And I'm such a needy human being

that literally every night,
my phone went "beep beep"

and I went, "Ooh, who's texted me?"

- I didn't think it was Mark coming onto me!
- I didn't think I was really texting him!

[laughter]

The most disappointing thing is,
I really did put a lot of effort into it.

If no one else was doing it,
presumably there's no points available.

Well, I've got the effort
you put in here.

This is your Cheeky Texts
by Mark Watson.

- [laughter]
- There's one on every page.

And the first, the first one's not bad.

They're cheeky, remember?

"Hey, sexy. Just getting in touch."

"This is the first of 150 messages."

"You're in for a treat."

[laughter]

That is quite cheeky, but look how...

I'm not very far into the book,
now, of your 150 texts.

And yet, page 12.

"I have a big dick."

[laughter]

It's cheeky, isn't it?
Very cheeky.

Is that cheeky?

[laughter]

I think it's the sort of edgier
side of cheeky, yeah.

There are different sorts
of cheeky, as well.

You said, "Can you lend me 50 quid?"

[laughter]

"Cheeky" could... You know, I thought it
might just mean impertinent.

Are you gonna give him a point?

You asked him to do 150. He did 148.

Oh, then I can give him no points.

- [laughter]
- [audience groans]

Oh, no! What a shame!

[applause]

What a terrible waste of time.

It is awful...

but honestly, I have got five months
of irritation bubbling up here,

and the fact that I'm not gonna
give you a single point for that...

[audience] Awww!

You can kiss my ass, all of you.

I'm devastated it was just me,

and I'm absolutely
shattered to get no points

out of something which, genuinely,

if I look back on this calendar year,

it's one of the major
things I've done with it.

[laughter and applause]

Can we have something less
irritating, for me and for Mark?

[Alex] OK, here we go.

This is the next task.
Let's move on.

This is like a Bergman film.

Would you like to stand
in my... ring?

[laughter]

Would you mind standing
in my noose?

Not at all. Whe-ew!

OK, that's perfect.
How do you feel?

Fine.

I used to tether my donkey like this.

[Alex] I know.

To keep it out of the kitchen.

That's nicely on, isn't it?

Thank you, Mark.

- No problem at all.
- The task is in the trolley.

"Make the tallest tower of
cans on this table."

"Highest tower wins."

"Also, whilst building your tower,
you must shake Alex's hand..."

"...and say you're from
a different country..."

"...once every ten seconds."

"Alex will blow his whistle
every ten seconds."

"Your time ends when you fail
to shake Alex's hand..."

"...and say you're from a different
country before Alex blows his whistle."

I'm gonna blow the whistle,
so before it blows again,

you've got to come and shake my hand and
say you're from a different country.

"Your time starts when Alex
blows his whistle."

Wait, wait, wait.

That's fallen over.

[Alex] Oh, yeah.

[applause]

Whilst building a stack of cans,
they had to come and shake my hand

and say they were from a different
country every ten seconds.

They couldn't just say the line,
"I'm from a different country."

They actually had to say the
name of a country each time.

- Do you want to start with Aisling?
- Oh, God, yes.

OK.

- Are you ready?
- Yes.

So every ten seconds, I'm
gonna blow it. Good luck.

[whistle blows]

[laughter]

[whistle blows]

[laughter]

What?! No!

No, no, no, no, no!

No!

No-o-o!

- OK, Aisling.
- No!

No!

[applause]

How was I supposed to know?

I got the-- We kept going for so long!

A long time. I know, I know, I know.

We kept going so fucking long!

There were tins of beans!
"Hello, I'm from Portugal!"

"Hello, I'm from Guadalajara!"

"Hello, I'm from the Ukraine!"

[Alex] I know, I know.

[laughter]

It wasn't till we
watched it back that we

realised you missed
the very first one.

I'm... I...

How many countries did I say?
I was so proud of myself.

- Sixty-one.
- Sixty-one!

[audience gasps]

Sixty-one countries.

You got it up to ten
high at one point,

and I thought you'd done very well,

but we had to look at the footage,

and you didn't-- So, one.
One can is what you scored.

[audience] Awww!

Oh, that's good. One's better than
getting no points at all, isn't it?

[laughter]

Unlucky, Aisling. You know, good try.

Here's Bob's go.

OK.

Was there anything in there
that said I had to keep this?

All the information is
on the task, Bob.

Seemingly not.

[blows whistle]

Just do that a bit sexy for you.

Hello, Alex. I'm from Canada.

[whistle blows]

Hello, Alex. I'm from Greenland.

Hello.

[whistle blows]

- Hello, Alex. I'm from Russia.
- [blows whistle]

Oh, that was close, Bob.
That was close.

I knew I had a bit of leeway
'cause it was Russia.

[laughter]

[whistle blows]

Argh! No, I'm alright.

I don't think you are, Bob.

There you are, then.

[Bob] One, two, three, four, five, six.

[Alex] Yes, there they are.

- Thanks, Bob.
- Thank you.

[applause]

That was a tricky--
It looks easy.

It's a tricky task.

- Yeah.
- I found it tricky.

You found it very tricky.

- Yeah, I did.
- [laughter]

It was tricky. You unshackled
yourself, and that was fine.

- It never said you can't take the rope off.
- Oh, what?!

[laughter]

I don't know that it
really helped, did it?

Imagine reading the rules
in a very pedantic way

and using it to your
own advantage.

[laughter]

You only said three countries.
We showed what you said.

You said Canada, Russia
and Greenland.

- But you got the cans six high, so...
- [Greg whistles]

- Very high.
- I'm alright with that, for sure.

- Do you wanna see Mark and Nish?
- Yes, please.

Ah, Losers' Corner!

Can I just think about
this for a second?

Not really. [blows whistle]

[laughter]

Hello. I come from Chad.

Hi, I'm from Albania.

Oh, hello.

[whistle blows]

Botswana.

Chile.

Democratic Republic of Congo.

Finland.

OK.

Couldn't think of one
beginning with E?

[whistle blows]

I'm from Slovakia.

From India.

Nope.

I'm from Croatia.

- Struggling a bit.
- [whistle blows]

Djibouti.

From Hungary.

I'm from Liberia!

- [whistle blows]
- Kenya.

From Georgia.

Lithuania is where I'm from.

Japan.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

- [audience groans]
- Piss and shit!

[whistle blows]

Hello, I'm from Switzerland.

[whistle blows]

Oh, I'm gonna kill you!

From Uruguay.

- [whistle blows]
- [Nish yells]

I'm from South Korea.

- [whistle blows]
- North Korea.

- [whistle blows]
- Zimbabwe!

[whistle blows]

- I'm afraid that's two whistles in a row.
- [frustrated yell]

[Alex] Five high.

- [whistle blows]
- Ah.

[Alex] Six?

- That'll have to do then, yeah.
- Yeah.

Does it also count that I also
made some subsidiary towers?

- [laughter]
- Do you want it to count?

I've made sort of a complex.

[Alex] It's not very complex.

Peace out, my brother.

[Alex] Goodbye.

[applause]

- Not bad.
- I felt bad.

Do you feel like your
knowledge of countries

was let down by your
physical dexterity, Mark?

A lot of things are let down by
my physical dexterity, yeah.

I think that was the vibe
with me, as well,

'cause I actually hit on
a revolutionary system.

I did the whole alphabet but
with a different country for...

That's really clever, yeah.

- He got 25 countries.
- [Nish] Yeah, 25 countries.

And five cans. One less than
Bob, who said three countries.

[laughter]

Well, Mark said an
impressive 92 countries.

- [Bob] Wow!
- The fuck?!

And how many cans?

Er, six cans, exactly
the same as Bob.

[laughter]

Was it really 92 countries?

Yeah, half the countries of the world.

[laughter and applause]

OK, look. Sally's attempt
is still to come.

Did she have it off with
a trolley full of cans?

Let's find out after the break.

Hello!

Join us for part four of Taskmaster.

- Alex?
- Greg.

So, our contestants are trying to
stack cans whilst naming countries.

Quick reminder, it had to be a
different country every time,

and it did have to be a
country, not just a place.

Next up, Sally Phillips,
who graduated from

Oxford University with
a first-class degree

and in Modern Languages.

Here is Sally's attempt.

[Alex] So your time starts...

[whistle blows]

Oh, you...

buggers.

[with accent] I am from Italy.

[with accent] From Australia.

[with accent] From Italy.

[BUZZER]

From Alaska.

[BUZZER]

Abu Dhabi.

- [BUZZER]
- Abu Dhabi?

Abu Dhabi.

[whistle blows]

- From Dubai.
- [BUZZER]

Beirut.

[BUZZER]

Ooh.

From, er... er...

- Kuala Lumpur.
- [BUZZER]

Portugal.

- Portugal.
- [BUZZER]

Poland.

Denmark.

Georgia.

- Poland.
- [BUZZER]

- Denmark.
- [BUZZER]

- Georgia.
- [BUZZER]

- Doha.
- [BUZZER]

Please, God, let that be a country.

[laughter]

- Um, ah...
- [whistle blows]

- Oh.
- Oh!

[applause]

Yeah, it's a high-rise building.

But I said all those things twice.

You did, but you were on such
a roll, we just let you...

Really?

[laughter and applause]

Wow.

I liked that you did the accent
of the first three countries.

But the third was Italy.
You'd done Italy.

[laughter]

Oh, man. Well, let's talk
about some points.

Sally, you got to a
total of eight cans,

but by your first mistake,
there were two cans high,

so you came second last.

It was one point to Aisling, two to Sally,

three to Nish, and then joint first
with five points each, Bob and Mark.

Bang!

[cheers and applause]

Can we have a look at the
scoreboard, Alex?

Yes, I mean, the good news is,
it's very close.

Obviously, Nish is last,
but above them...

Above them, just two points separating
them, we can see them there.

[Alex] Yeah, close.

[applause]

OK, can everyone please stand up?

And then sit down again.

Because tonight, just for a change,

please don't make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

[audience] Oooh!

Whoa, it's ghosts!

[eerie sci-fi music plays]

[Greg] People.

Five people.

What could it possibly mean?

[dramatic music]

Alex, could you please give
Nish the task to open?

OK. That's for you, Nish.

Good luck.

Nice and clear, please, Nish.

Why are they all white people?

[laughter]

"Find the Finns."

"You may each ask one question
to one person."

"Your question must not pertain to
the nationality of the people."

"You must then write which
number you think is a Finn."

"Most accurate Finn-finder wins."

[laughter]

Well read. Really good reading.

- Yeah, thanks a lot.
- Thank you.

Is this some kind of Brexit thing?

- Are we now rooting out Europeans?
- [laughter]

We're gonna go left to right,
so Aisling, you get to go first.

Who would you like to ask
your question to?

Um, number four.

Could you please repeat to me,
"Mary Had a Little Lamb"?

The whole thing.

Mary had a little lamb.

No, no, no, not that.
The whole song.

That's all I know.

[Nish] Because he's from Finland!

Four is from Finland.

[Alex] OK.

So that's a point for everybody.

[laughter]

Bob, who do you want to
ask a question to?

I'd like to ask my question
of number two, please.

That's fine.

Hi there.

Have you ever seen, or eaten,
a wind-dried puffin?

[laughter]

- Sorry, I couldn't hear.
- No.

[Greg whistles]

OK, Mark. Your turn.

Number four, can you name
five cities in Finland?

Er, Helsinki.

Tampere.

[laughter]

Hämeenlinna.

What was that last one?

Hamelino?

Listen, will you? Hamenina.

[laughter]

Rovaniemi.

[laughter]

Jämsä.

[Alex] OK.

I thought Jämsä was more
of a small village, but OK.

[laughter]

So, Nish, it's your turn.

Number three,

in... four words or more...

How do you feel about the
nation of Sweden?

[laughter]

It's a lovely country.

Very interesting, number three.
Thank you for your time.

[laughter]

So the final question to Sally.

I'm going to ask number five.

Could you say for me, in Finnish,

"Would you like a threesome.
You, me and a water cooler?"

[laughter]

[she speaks Finnish]

[laughter and applause]

As they say in Finland, let's party.

[laughter]

So we haven't heard
from number one,

but you need to write
down on your cards

the numbers that you think
are from Finland.

And in a second, the Finns
will cross the Finnish line.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, man.

- [laughter]
- OK, so, Sally.

Which numbers do you
think are Finns?

One, three and five.

- One, three and five.
- [Greg] God, that was confident.

Nish?

I've got four, five and three.

So we've got two threes,
two fives, a one and a four.

Mark?

Four and five, but who knows
what the fucking truth is?

- [laughter]
- [Alex] I know. Bob?

One, five, three.

[Alex] The same as Sally. Aisling?

I've done three, four and five.

OK, so four of you think
three of them are Finns.

One of you thinks two
of them are Finns.

That is statistics that I enjoy,
that no one else will.

[laughter]

May the Finns cross
the Finnish line?

[cheers and applause]

We do have a Swede,
a German, a Swede,

and then we have Antti and Anniina.

Give them a round of applause.

[applause]

OK, Alex, I would love to
hear the final scores.

Absolutely love to.

OK. Well, just to say that in that task,
Bob and Sally came joint fourth,

so get two points each.

Aisling and Nish,
they were lämpimämpi,

which is genuinely
Finnish for warm.

So they get four points each.

- Mark gets five points...
- OK.

...which means that the final scores

looks like this.

[cheers and applause]

That does seem fairer.
Both ends of the scale.

Huge congratulations to Mark.

Please will you head
the heck up there and

collect your well-deserved
high-octane belongings!

[cheers and applause]

What are you doing?

I'm sending you a
cheeky little text.

[laughter]

Here's a thought. Instead of getting
a drink from your water cooler

when you go to work on Monday,

why not kick it and then bang it?

[laughter and applause]

Let's hear it one more time for
tonight's winner, Mr Mark Watson!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you very much for
believing in me.

Good night!

[subtitles by tribbletown]