All language subtitles for Tsk54

Hello! Hello again.

And hello, welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies, and this, as
I've just said, is Taskmaster.

At the end of today's episode, we'll have
reached the halfway point in the series.

Before we know it, a glorious
winner will be holding this...

[everyone gasps]

...lovely trophy high
above their head,

weeping uncontrollably with
massive tears of giddy joy.

So, let's amble towards that
pitiful eventuality

and meet this week's guest panel
of regular contestants.

They are... Aisling Bea!

Bob Mortimer!

Mark Watson!

Nish Kumar!

Sally Phillips!

And here, still, but very much under
the probation period of his contract,

It is my furry little friend...

[high-pitched] It's little Alex Horne!

[cheers and applause]

Have you genuinely got children?

[laughter]

I do. I've seen them...

this year. They are...

I'm a good father.
I've got two boys...

and a boy. Three boys.
I've got three boys.

And, uh, up they go.
Older and older.

Yeah.

[Greg] Well, um...

[laughter]

I'm very glad that I keep you
away from those children,

as often as I do,
because you're, um...

Well, you're a bad dad.

- [laughter]
- [audience] Aww.

- Shall we get on with it?
- Yes. I do miss them. So...

[laughter]

Today's most, I think most
extraordinary prize so far,

the prize category, is most
extraordinary souvenir.

We've asked them to bring in their
most extraordinary souvenir.

You're gonna just which one is
the most extraordinary souvenir.

Yes, I am.

And whichever one you judge
to have done the best,

they get the first five points of the show.

Whoever wins the whole show will go home
with five extraordinary souvenirs.

OK. Sally Phillips,
good day to you.

Good day to you, Greg.

What is the souvenir that
you have brought

and why would I consider it to be...

- Extraordinary.
- ...extraordinary?

I brought in the souvenir most
designed to make you sneer,

which I think I'm going to
find sexually arousing.

[laughter]

It is ABBA Monopoly.

Now I'm just betting that
you loathe ABBA.

[laughter]

I personally don't dislike
the music of ABBA,

but I'm irritated by the band.

All this sort of, "We're not getting back
together, we're not gonna play another gig."

Why not fucking grow up?

[laughter]

Mark, what did you bring in?

Well, I've got a t-shirt
from Kuwait.

It says "Kuwait" on it and
there's a sort of a cityscape.

- [Alex] We can see it if you want.
- Oh, yeah.

The reason it's extraordinary is
because an ordinary souvenir

reminds you of a place you've
been to, but in my case,

I went to Kuwait and
I wasn't allowed in.

So I haven't actually visited Kuwait,
but I bought the t-shirt on eBay

as a souvenir of the place
I would have seen.

[laughter]

Right.

I asked Alex and he told me that that's
the buildings that Kuwaitis live in.

- [Alex] Yeah, they've all got one of them.
- [Greg] They've all got one of those.

[Alex] It's a funny old country.

Nish, what have you brought in
and why is it extraordinary?

I have brought in a single leaf.

Shit.

Bob, what have you brought in?

[laughter]

That is a man-made leaf from the
set of The Lord of the Rings.

- [they gasp]
- [audience] Wooo!

[Nish] Which is now a sort
of tourist attraction

called Hobbiton that you can
go to in New Zealand.

And when I was there, that
little guy had fallen to the floor,

and I popped it in my pocket
and popped back home.

- Very extraordinary.
- Happy with that?

Bob? Yeah, more than happy.

Bob, what you have brought in?
Extraordinary?

It's extraordinary to me.

It's a big stuffed toy woodpecker.

- [laughter]
- About so high.

[Bob] There he is.

- [Aisling] Aww.
- [Bob] It's very tall.

- [Greg] It's about five foot tall?
- [Bob] Yeah.

Wow.

And I took my kids to, like,
Butlins in the south of Spain.

And they wanted that, and you know
when your kids are young,

you wanted to make their
dreams come true.

So I spent five days trying
to get that one,

'cause it was the ping-pongs, but there
was one ping-pong right at the top.

If you get that,
you got the big fucker.

[laughter]

I'm not a dad, but I would say
that most kids' dreams

are to spend five days
with their dad.

[laughter]

Aisling Bea, what's your
extraordinary souvenir?

When my teeth would fall out,
my mother would keep them,

and she would put them in an envelope
and put them in a cupboard in the kitchen.

So she has, you know, the way you
keep the bones of your child?

[laughter]

They're my teeth.
Any tooth that fell out.

[Greg] Thank you, Aisling.

Well, I'm gonna mark
these very quickly.

OK.

The least extraordinary gift, as far as
I'm concerned, is Woody Woodpecker.

OK? And I'm not going to
explain myself on television.

[laughter]

Fourth, pretty obviously, I'm putting the
absolutely horrendous t-shirt in fourth.

Unfortunately, my furious attitude
towards the band ABBA

for their selfishness in not reuniting means
Sally Phillips can only take third place.

[he gasps]

Second place, then Greg?

Nish, because anyone who brings in

a physical representation of their youth

in the form of actual parts of their body

has brought in an extraordinary souvenir.

Thank you, weird mother!

[cheers and applause]

Task me up, Alex.

OK, we're off, and you will either
love or hate this next one.

- Oooh.
- Mm-hm.

[whooshing noise]

Hi.

[Alex] Hello, Bob.

- [Alex] Hello, Nish.
- How's it hangin'?

[Alex] What do you mean?

How are you doing?

OK.

"Make... Marmite."

"You have ten minutes to select
your ingredients..."

"...and then ten minutes to
make your Marmite."

I'm pretty sure it takes them longer to
make Marmite than that in real life.

"Best Marmite wins."

I'm going to be brilliant at this.

How much would you give me to
take a shit in this right now?

[Alex] £8.

[laughter]

I know it's... No, I'm
thinking of Bovril.

It says beef extract on it.

Well, I know it's yeast extract.

How would they extract...? I'd better
have some yeast, just in case.

What is yeast?

Maybe... put a cow in a
room till it withers?

And then they can mop up...

what's the residue?

Miso paste.

Sherry.

[Alex] Sherry?

I'll just get him pissed.
What about absinthe?

[she laughs]

Vinegar?

Balsamic vinegar.

Dark... In other words, dark vinegar.

Can I get a tin of Marmite?

You know what? Make that two.

[cheers and applause]

I think that most people
went instinctively,

as I think I would have and you
would have said, it's yeast.

Bob didn't know.

Bob said, "You just put a cow
in a room till it withers."

- [laughter]
- It might work.

How long does the cow take to...?

Forty days.

- [laughter]
- Forty days and nights.

Forty days, you get your first
residue around the hoof.

[laughter]

[Greg] Wow, incredible.

Um, Nish, if you've
bought Marmite

and included it in
your Marmite,

you haven't made Marmite,
you've bought Marmite,

and I will be on you
like a puma, my friend.

[laughter]

Do you want to see them
making their Marmite?

- I do, and quickly.
- OK.

Here we go.

Marmite...

I think it's salt plus
memories of meat.

It says 89.9% proof.

There we go, job done.

OK, I think it's just
gonna be bread.

Shit.

Oh, this looks so much like Marmite now.

Oh, what's this? Bovril!

I've just found some Bovril.

I mean, it's not quite as thick
as I'd like it to be.

Oh, my word.

[whistle blows]

[Mark] Look at that.

- [laughter]
- Kumar-mite.

[audience groans]

[applause]

We're gonna look at them one at a time,
and then you can judge them.

- Yeah, yeah.
- We'll start with Aisling.

This is her finished product.

Uh, temperature-wise, very hot.

Yes, because it's just been made.

- Doesn't it smell like Marmite?
- No.

- What?
- It doesn't smell like Marmite.

You're having a bloody laugh, mate.

Have you smelt it?

Marmite.

It's all edible, it's all natural.

So your main selling point is,
"It's all edible."

Yeah.

Cheers.

Talk to me.

It tastes a little bit like Bovril.

It's not not nice.

Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?

Mm, but it doesn't taste
like Marmite.

Oh, Alex, you're living
in a dream world!

[applause]

It didn't look like Marmite,
it looked like baby poo.

But did it taste like Marmite?

Alex, tell him the truth.

[laughter]

Tell them the truth, Alex.

God, I can feel the force of her.

[whispers] Tell them the truth.

Tasted a little bit like Marmite.

- A little bit?
- Yes.

And the eyes, they're so angry,
so shall we move on to Mark?

[laughter]

Let's see Mark-mite.

Oh, yeah.

Can you see the... the colour
at the top of that?

[audience groans]

[Alex] Do I spread or pour Marmite?
I can't remember.

Oh, no, Marmite's a spread.
It's a spread, it's a spread.

- Well, I've poured it.
- That's not my fault, is it?

Cheers.

Oh, cheers.

The texture's appalling.

The colour is good.

The taste is not unlike Marmite.

[applause]

I mean, the texture was clearly
that of frogspawn.

But Alex, you know, his
mouth doesn't lie.

It didn't look great,
but I've got to say,

I do believe it tasted a
fair bit like Marmite.

And you know that because
of the surprise

in Alex's eyes that it
wasn't total shit.

[Greg] Yeah. OK, well, let's
see the next VT.

Sounds like a swimming coach.
Bob Marmite.

[laughter]

This is Bob Marmite.

Is it just a little bit you
have on the toast?

Treat it exactly as you
would Marmite, right?

[audience groans]

[laughter]

Thank you.

Thank you.

I would say, if I didn't know
that wasn't Marmite,

I would probably guess
that's Marmite.

[cheers and applause]

You said, if you close your eyes,
it would have...?

Yeah.

You could have been fooled
into thinking it was Marmite?

Bob kept saying that he didn't want the beef
to dominate, and it didn't dominate.

Thank you.

Phew!

Considering there were
24 beef Oxo cubes in it.

[laughter]

Stop everything!

We're governed by advertising.
Here's your next apportioned ration.

Hello and welcome back to this
particular episode of Taskmaster.

Alex, can you update me with
the current situation, please?

Yes, they've been making Marmite.
Next up, it's Nish.

who you've threatened, because he bought
Marmite to make Marmite with

and displeased, you so...
Here we go.

It's not a million miles away
from the colour of Marmite.

It's not the colour that
I'm worried about.

- It's the sound.
- [watery sloshing]

It doesn't sound like Marmite.
Also, it's very, very hot.

Yeah, really... [he laughs]

It looks to me like a combination
of pouring and dolloping.

- [audience groans]
- Ooh, fuck!

[Nish] It's not an ideal consistency.

Have you ever regretted this show?

Not yet.

[laughter and applause]

It's quite nice.

Oh, yeah.

You can really taste the vinegar.

Mm, you can also taste the
Marmite, if I'm honest.

Because of the Marmite in it.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, Nish.

[cheers and applause]

Um, he put Marmite in it?

Yes, and a lot of vinegar
and hot water.

It was liquid, lumpy and
very, very hot.

I genuinely quite liked it.

- [laughter]
- I don't know why!

- Absolutely disgusting.
- Well...

Let's see my favourite
weathergirl, Sally Marmite.

[laughter]

Shall we start with
Marmite number one?

[Sally] Yeah.

This is the best Marmite because
it is not Marmite. It's absinthe.

- [Alex] You really drench it.
- There we go. Mm-hm.

[laughter]

Oh my God.

[laughter]

- [she laughs]
- [both wheezing]

Didn't like number one.

Come on, that's amazing.

Yeah, it is amazing.
I really feel drunk.

That's number one. Number two.

- The best Marmite.
- "The best Marmite, yeah!"

- It comes with a free toy.
- [toots horn]

Mm-hm?

- Try that.
- It looks a little bit like jam.

There's a lot going on.

[laughter]

[applause]

What actually happened when
he had the absinthe

was he went bright purple and
couldn't speak for 20 minutes.

[laughter]

There was a lot going on.
Do you want to see all their jars?

You can see Sally's, how
much she contrasted...

- Insanity?
- Yeah, well, exactly.

We haven't labelled hers, 'cause it's
quite obvious which ones are hers.

[Greg] OK.

You're gonna have to judge
them as the best Marmite.

♪ Guess who's got nul points ♪

[laughter]

It was the flagrant
breaching of the rules,

even though you had me thinking that
soggy bread might be alright.

You crash into fifth place
with no points.

- [Greg] Sally misheard the task.
- No, I'm not going to accept this.

- She misheard the task as...
- No, no.

"Can you please show Alex
the time of his life."

Fourth place. Unlucky.

Er, oh...

I mean, I'm gonna have to go by what you
told me was the most Marmite-like in taste.

Aisling, he told me behind
your back...

Behind my back?

...that it tasted, and I quote,

"Fuck-all like Marmite."

[laughter]

[applause]

You weak, weak little turd, Alex Horne.

You are weak.

- Yes, I am. Yes, I am.
- You are weak.

And just on taste alone, you told me that
Bob's virtually tasted like Marmite.

So Mark must sadly fall into second
place, and Bob is the winner.

- OK, OK.
- Simple as that.

- [applause]
- First, second, third, fourth...

He did seem to really enjoy it.

Are the scores looking
healthy after that?

They're looking terrific, and my favourite,
Aisling Bea, is now in the lead.

[cheers and applause]

OK, I fancy a team task.
Do you have a team task?

I do have a team task.
It's this one.

Just three legends,
don't worry about it.

Just the gang. Bob, Sal and Ash.

[all] Hi.

The team's in town.
Watson and Kumar.

- Hello, Nish. Hello, Mark.
- Hello, Alex.

Wumar.

- Quite a few clocks, isn't there?
- Lot of clocks on the table.

Not to jump the gun, but it looks
like there are clocks involved.

[Bob] All non-digital.

- That's interesting, isn't it?
- Ahhh.

Yep.

I'll do this one.

Got a lot of energy, haven't you?

"Do something remarkable,
synchronised."

"You have a maximum
of 30 minutes."

"Most remarkably synchronised
behaviour wins."

"Your time starts now."

Maybe it would trigger some ideas

- if we wander around the house a bit?
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I guess we should try... I'll try
and mimic your exact walk.

- OK.
- Just to get in practice.

As I say, this is just...
This is good backup.

[applause]

Doesn't necessarily bode
that well for Wumar.

[laughter]

As we're now known.

But you chose to do a
difficult-to-copy walk.

The problem is, when
someone tells you

to think about the way
that you're walking,

you immediately walk like you've
got severe haemorrhoids.

Let's have a look how
these two clowns did.

OK. That's exactly what
they are. Here we go.

Breakfast hats on.

[jaunty music plays]

My hand is on the toaster.

[Nish gasps]

Hard, actually, without
a spoon, isn't it?

Er, use the banana to fish the...?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

And we scoop it out,
onto the table it goes.

One bite.

- To the breakfast whiskey?
- Breakfast whiskey.

[Nish] And now onto the...

- The traditional shot of honey, yeah.
- The traditional shot of honey.

Ahh.

[both] Breakfast.

[applause]

Well, my observation was
that you were...

never synchronised.

[laughter]

But why put a giant glass of whiskey in

when Mark Watson clearly struggles...

clearly struggles to power-drink a
giant glass of whiskey at mid-morning.

I think it's a pattern, really, in this.

I'm more about commitment
than actual attainment.

[laughter]

I think what we should do is
probably see your competitors.

I mean, I don't feel good about
your chances, but...

...this might be awful.

So the trio were much
more organised.

They planned it, they
rehearsed for 15 minutes.

They also recorded Sally's voice to
instruct them when to do the things.

- It was a good plan.
- Great.

But did it work?

OK, are you ready to go?

[Bob] Go on!

- Dolphinately?
- Woo! Yeah.

[Sally's voiceover]
Facing forward, holding tea.

And right, right.

Left, left.

Forward, back.

Forward, to the side, over the top.

- To the side, over the top, step back.
- [laughter]

And sip the tea and throw the mug.

And to the right, right.

- Left, left.
- [laughter]

Forward, back, forward.

To the side and over the top.

To the side and over the
top and step back.

And spit the tea.

And right, forward, back, forward.

To the side and over the top.

To the side and over the top.

And take out your ketchup.

Wait for Bob.

[Bob] One, two, three...

[loud squelching]

I was fucking shit.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

- Sally and Aisling were absolutely bang on.
- Faultless, faultless.

- Absolutely faultless.
- Literally faultless.

[Greg] Yeah.

I loved the fact that you forgot to
keep your tea in your mouth.

[laughter]

I know, you get to a
certain age. I'm the same.

If I get a lovely cup of tea,
that's going down.

[laughter]
- It's going down!

Well, there are five
points to be won.

- Yeah, there are.
- Hmm.

Listen, I enjoyed both of them
in their own special way.

I'm gonna give Wumar two points.

If only for Mark Watson's
face when he was

struggling to take half
a pint of whiskey down.

- [Mark] You owe me, mate.
- [Nish] You really saved my bacon.

And the almost synchronised
trio, three points.

Three points. OK, there we go.

[cheers and applause]

And now it's smooth link time.

That's the end of part
two of Taskmaster.

Farewell, for now.

Hi, I'm Greg Davies
from Taskmaster.

I feel like it's time for
a whole new task.

What have you got for me, Alex?

I've got you a little bracelet.
A friendship bracelet.

It's half a heart there.
I've got the other half.

[audience] Awww.

[laughter]

[Greg] And the task?

[laughter]

Yeah, we've got a task, we've
got a task. Another task.

I'm so sorry.

Excellent.

What the bejesus is this all about?

Hi, Alex.

Ugh, he's not talking.
It's up to him, innit?

"Wearing this blindfold,
blow up this balloon."

Uh-oh.

"Blow up this balloon so that
its circumference

is the same as the length of
a standard cucumber."

But... Its circumf...

Yeah, OK. Um...

"You have one minute. Your time starts
when Alex blows his whistle."

"You have one minute."

What's all this, then, mate?

A distraction?

I mean, I can't blow up balloons.

So already I'm at a disadvantage.

OK.

[applause]

Good, so, pretty straightforward task.

Yeah, it was quite a simple task.

Blow up a balloon so its...

[both] ...circumference is the
same length as a cucumber.

- Standard cucumber.
- Standard cucumber.

They popped on their eye masks,
and they tried to successfully

blow the balloon to the
right circumference.

[whistle blows]

I can't blow up balloons, lads.

The circumference of a cucumber.

Surely the circumference of a
cucumber is very, very narrow.

Can I ask in help?

- [whistle blows]
- Oh.

[laughter]

[whistle blows]

Now that I think about it,
that is massive.

That is definitely too big.

Oh, there's a different task.

I did sort of wonder
about all that stuff.

Oh, right.

Wow.

"Spot the difference."

"Have a look at the scene
in front of you..."

- [audience groans]
- Oooh!

You never told me that I had
to look at it in the first place.

"Have a look at the scene
in front of you

and explain exactly what's changed
since you put the blindfold on."

"You have two minutes. Your
time starts now."

[applause]

Sneaky, wasn't it?

You were all surprised when you took off
your eye masks and something had happened.

But we did make ten differences
to the scene in front of you.

We had a minute to do it whilst
you were blowing your balloons.

This is what we did.

- [laughter]
- [whistle blows]

Oh, I don't believe it.

Just to run through
the ten differences,

the mannequin has now got a beard.

There we go.

The lamp is now a duck,

the water's turned to wine,

the potato is on the table,

the squirrel is now a cat.

"Pots" became "spot". There we go.

Rug - the rug has swivelled.

The entire backdrop is blue
instead of green,

Alex's hat has changed,

and Alex's body has changed.

[Alex] How do you think they did?

Well, I would think that if anyone
didn't notice a human had changed...

...those people should seek
some sort of professional help.

- [Greg] Let's see.
- Well, we can start with Mark.

I've known Mark for 20 years.

[laughter]

We can look at Mark
and Sally and Bob.

Oh, OK.

- [Alex] OK.
- Uh-oh.

Here we go.

- I believe that said "pots", not "spot".
- [DING]

The thing on the easel was
different, and the pots

- were in a different configuration.
- [BUZZER]

- The cat was in a slightly different position.
- [BUZZER]

I thought it was a squirrel on the chair

- [DING]
- but is it that cat?

- Was it always that cat?
- [BUZZER]

- I think the duck may have been somewhere else.
- [BUZZER]

- I don't think the duck was there at all.
- [DING]

Horne's hat... I don't think was that, was it?

I think Horne was wearing
sort of a cowboy hat

- or something, but...
- [DING]

- I believe the colour of Alex's hat has changed.
- [DING]

- I think that Alex had a different hat on.
- [DING]

- Is he wearing a gas mask now...?
- [BUZZER]

[whistle blows]

Oh, thanks everyone. Bye, Alex!

Thanks for the task.

[laughter]

[applause]

Unbelievable.

I think that pretty much Bob and Sally
just said everything, didn't they?

- Yeah, they just...
- There wasn't a table. [imitates buzzer]

[laughter]

They both noticed two
things were different.

Everyone noticed the hat,

and Bob noticed the
squirrel had gone,

and you noticed the
duck had appeared.

Mark, not much better. He noticed the hat,
the sign that said "pots",

that was good, and then
the potato and the wine.

So, uh... not great.

Right.

None of you noticed I wasn't there.

[laughter]

Easily done.

[audience] Awww.

Let's see if younger eyes
are more successful.

OK, here are Aisling and Nish.

- The mannequin in the bed has a beard.
- [DING]

- The man in the sleeping bag now has a beard.
- [DING]

- The cat was a dog.
- [BUZZER]

- That cat was not on the chair.
- [DING]

- And also "spot" was black.
- [BUZZER]

I knew I should've been
paying better attention!

That didn't say "spot", I think
it said "pow" or something.

- It said something but beginning with a P.
- [DING]

- The potato and cat swapped positions.
- [BUZZER]

- The duck was there.
- [BUZZER]

- The pots of paint were not there.
- [BUZZER]

- The mat's the same.
- [BUZZER]

The blanket is going
the opposite way

- to the way it was.
- [DING]

Alex... is shorter.

- [laughter]
- Wait a minute.

- That's not Alex!
- [DING]

Right, well Horne was
wearing a... a Stetson.

- Now he's wearing a hard hat.
- [DING]

- The hat is an obvious difference.
- [DING]

- [whistle blows]
- There... That's what I've got.

[cheers and applause]

Not a bad effort from
Nish, considering...

Well, how spectacularly rubbish
he is across the board.

[laughter]

No, Nish didn't do very well.

The beard, the cat and
the hat. That old...

- Oh, that old children's tale.
- [laughter]

Whereas Aisling was the only
one who noticed it wasn't me.

So, thank you for that.

Yet earlier on, with the Marmite,
you stabbed me in my face.

[laughter]

I mean, you were absolutely
incredible at that task.

Incredible performance.

Yeah, the beard, the "spot"
became a word beginning with P.

The blanket was the other way
round, that was amazing.

No one spotted that the three-metre by
two-metre tarpaulin had changed colour.

That the biggest thing had
changed from blue to green.

Was there nothing for the
cucumber-measuring?

Absolutely fuck-all.

- There is, there is.
- Oh, sorry.

No, I know there is,
it was just instinct.

It was just instinct to
shut him down.

[laughter]

What about the cucumber?

Oh, there's definitely
something for the cucumber.

Oh, yeah?

So in the first half of the task,
Aisling gets five points.

Mark and Nish four,
Bob and Sally two.

OK? Because of their observations.

Stroke, physical problems.

[laughter]

Cucumber circumference,
obviously I've put it in a graph.

- Pretty pleased with this graph.
- Obviously.

- The standard cucumber, as we all know...
- [laughter]

I've converted circumference
to length of cucumber.

As we all know, the standard cucumber
is 30 centimetres or one foot.

That's why quite often we say,
"I'm six cucumbers tall."

[laughter]

And, weirdly, Mark was the closest.

He was just 1.5 centimetres out.
A couple of peas away.

[Greg] Lovely.

Bob... Bob was a green bean away,

then Aisling, then Sally, then Nish,

who was a whole cucumber out.

[laughter]

[Greg] So there's some
points there, right?

Factoring in the cucumbers
and the differences,

the totals are Aisling and
Mark both get eight points,

Bob, six. Nish and Sally, four.

[cheers and applause]

It's all fine, isn't it?
So can we see a scoreboard?

[Alex] OK, I can show you
a scoreboard.

There is nine points
from last to first,

and Aisling is in the
lead with 19 points!

[cheers and applause]

- She's yet to win an episode.
- Right.

None of that's been cheated to
put you in the lead, either,

just 'cause Alex is so
genuinely frightened of you.

You're not frightened of me,
are you, Alex?

- I'm not frightened of you.
- See? He's grand.

[laughter]

Do you want to see the
series scoreboard?

Oh, God, yeah.

They're all in the 60s,
except for Nish, so...

Mark is the current leader. Yet to win
a show, but he's on 67 points.

Then it's 66 Bob,
62 to Sally and Aisling,

and then there's Nish, isn't it?

[laughter]

[Alex] It's quite tight.
It's quite tight.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, neck and neck.

We've got time for one really
quick task, if you want to.

Er...

- Yes, I do.
- OK, that's a relief.

Here it is.

Hmm.

Hi, Alex.

[Alex] Hello, Mark.

I always feel a bit like I'm coming to
see the headmaster in this room.

[Alex] Thank you.

"Sneeze. Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

Like an actual sneeze?

[Alex] Yes, please.

[laughter]

How do you force yourself to sneeze?

- [applause]
- You wanted to see some big sneezes.

Yeah.

I should say, early doors,
I want a genuine sneeze.

- Mm-hm.
- Who shall we see first?

I guess we're gonna try to
see the involuntary spasms

of Aisling, Bob and Sally.

[Alex] Fastest wins. Your
time starts now.

A-choo!

"Sneeze. Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

A-choo!

[Alex] Right, I've recorded
half a second.

Yes, but, can I tell you...

that I already did
a sneeze before that.

I would like it counted.

Is that done?

[Alex] Yeah, I'll just take
the hanky and...

Some spit there.

And when we analyse the footage,
were they definitely sneezes?

- Yeah.
- Do you think?

[sneezes weakly]

[Alex] Is that a real one?

Yeah.

[Alex] These are all
real sneezes?

Everything's a real sneeze.

[whispers] What is real?

What brings on sneezing?

Jumping really high?

I'm sticking the tail
of this up my nose.

Will that make me sneeze?

[laughter]

Doesn't feel sneezy.

White pepper always seems
stronger to me.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[he sneezes]

Yes!

[cheers and applause]

There was pepper
coming out for weeks.

But yeah, yeah.

So weird, isn't it?

I was just, like everyone, so thrilled
when he actually sneezed.

[laughter]

- It took him ten minutes and one second.
- Ten minutes? Wow.

[Greg] Amazing.

Uh, you two need to
explain yourselves.

You can't prove mine wasn't real.

- [Greg] I can't prove it?
- Yeah.

- [Sally] None of you can prove...
- I can ask you to tell me the truth.

[laughter]

Where is the doctor?

Show me the doctor who tells
me that's not a sneeze.

I see. You're worst liar I've
seen since I was a teacher.

[laughter]

We're stopping there, mid-sneeze.

See you here in a few minutes
for the final part of the show.

Hello again.

It's part four and there's a
task that needs completing.

Sneezing, Alex?

That's right. All they have to
do is sneeze. Fastest wins.

Let's how the twins,
Mark and Nish, got on.

[he hums rhythmically]

I can normally...

- [humming continues]
- [laughter]

I can normally make
myself sneeze by...

...just doing that.

- [Alex] Well, that would be ideal.
- Yeah.

I've got hay fever.

You got any pollen on you?

These flowers must be
out of pollen.

This is very undignified.

I found some pepper but I don't
know whether it really works.

No, not really.

I need dust, Horne.

Or flour!

[Alex] There's a hoover
bag full of dust.

Oh, that is too much.

[laughter]

[he coughs]

[laughter]

I surrender.

My nose is burning quite badly

and I feel a bit dizzy and sick.

[he inhales]

You can see why this isn't the one that
they end up doing at parties.

No, I don't think it's gonna come.

So if I do sneeze any time,
the rest of the day,

I'll try and send you
a video of it.

[applause]

So, Nish failed.

Well, he gave up on ten minutes,

one second before Bob's came out.

You may have just
missed it by a second.

[Greg] Ooh.

I think we're gonna have
to drill down into...

within, like, two or three
seconds of being set the task,

Mark fell straight to his
default technique.

And I believe I'm quoting correctly,
"This normally works."

Of, um... [he honks]

[laughter]

And my question to you is, where
did you develop the technique?

And why did you develop the technique?

The real story is, like Nish,
I suffer from hay fever,

and sometimes, with hay fever,
your nose is constantly tickly,

you can't quite sneeze.

So I evolved a technique for
basically forcing a sneeze.

But I was wondering up and
down the house doing that for...

It was, well, Alex...?

- Forty minutes?
- Yeah.

[laughter]

It was, uh...

[applause]

Mark did promise us a sneeze within
two to three working days.

[laughter]

And within 48 hours, I did
receive a video message.

OK.

And then I received seven more video
messages over the next week.

[laughter]

He says he's got quite a
distinctive sneeze. Here it is.

A-cha!

A-cha-ha-ha!

A-cha-ha!

Cha-ha!

Cha-ha!

Ch-ch!

[laughter]

There, um...

That's another sneeze.

- [applause]
- Very drunk in that one.

[applause]

So it's up to you, Greg, to decide
which are the real sneezes.

We had Mark after 48 hours,

and just in front of him,
Bob after ten minutes.

OK, well, Nish ruled himself
out, early doors.

Both of the women did...

Sally and Aisling.

Oh, I sometimes group the
men together as well,

but if you want me
to go individual,

both of the chicks,
Sally and Aisling...

[laughter]

[laughter]

Sorry.

Hot chicks.

I'll actually take that. OK.

Sally and Aisling did fake sneezes,
I would bet Alex's life on that.

[laughter]

Obviously, Bob nailed it.

So five to Bob, four to Mark,
none to anyone else.

- Correct.
- OK, there we go. We've finished.

[cheers and applause]

Which means there's just one point
separating three people at the top.

Bob and Mark have 20 points and
Aisling has 19 now. There we go.

[applause]

OK, will you all please head
to the stage, everyone,

'cause it's the final task of the show!

[cheers and applause]

Three blokes, Aisling and Sally...

- [laughter]
- ...and some balloons.

Alex, who's gonna read the task out?

Four blokes?

- [laughter]
- [audience] Aww.

[Greg] Sorry, mate.

I... I, uh...

[Mark] No, I think Greg's
maths was right.

[Greg] I hadn't noticed
you were there.

[laughter]

Aisling, there's a task for you.

OK, I don't have my glasses on,
so I might have to squint.

"Stand on one leg for the longest,

while playing a game of
Greg Says, Alex Says."

What the hell is that?

"Your raised foot must remain
above the balloon at all times,

and may not touch any other item."

So you've all got to stand with
one leg raised over the balloon.

They're each wearing a...

I guess you'd call it a sandal
with pins on the bottom.

So that's the one that has
to go over the balloon.

And we're gonna play a game
of Greg Says, Alex Says.

Which is like Simon Says.

When Greg says it, as in, I'll say,

"Greg says do this,"
then you have to do it.

If it says, "Alex says,"
just ignore it.

- [audience] Aww.
- Really?

Yeah.

So if it says Greg says do
the thing, you have to do it.

If it says Alex says it,
you don't have to do it.

I love this game.

[laughter]

Greg is gonna be watching your foot.

It must stay over the
balloon at all times.

The other foot must stay
on the red circle.

The first balloon to go,
they'll get one point.

The last balloon to go
will get five points.

[Aisling] OK, OK.

Greg says put one foot
over the balloon.

From now on, that must stay over the balloon,
so make sure you're comfortable.

And now we're ready to play.

Greg says put your hands on your head.

- [laughter]
- [Nish] Oh, I hate this show!

Hands on your head, please.

Alex says put one hand on the
head of a person next to you.

- [audience] Aww.
- Oh, Bob's out!

Greg says bow deeply.

[Nish] Don't!

Kumar's gone.

OK, Greg says blow a kiss to
the Taskmaster. A French kiss.

[laughter]

- A French kiss.
- Yeah.

OK. Alex says twerk.

- [laughter]
- Sally's gone!

OK, she's gone, she's gone.
There's two left in it.

Greg agrees, and Greg
also says twerk.

Oh, I don't know...

[laughter]

Oh, no!

- Watson's gone!
- Watson's gone.

Aisling wins!

[cheers and applause]

Can you all make your way down,

we'll see how that's
affected the final scores!

[cheers and applause]

All right, then, Alex.

So now can you give me
lots of information?

Mark came second and
Aisling came first,

and what that means is
that the scoreboard,

excitingly, looks like this.

For the first time in the
series, we have...

[Greg] Oh!

- [Aisling] Argh!
- [Alex] A draw. We have a draw.

Shut the front door. A tie-break.

Alex, what happens now?

Well, as you know, over
the past few months,

our contestants took part in
some tie-break challenges.

Yes!

In case exactly this sort
of thing happened.

And in this tie-break task,
we tested their ability

- to back-throw a Swede.
- [Mark] Oh, no.

[laughter]

All they had to do was stare
at a picture of you,

and chuck a picture of our old friend
Fred into the bin behind them,

in as few attempts as possible.

[laughter]

We're gonna see Aisling's
attempt first.

- Here it is.
- Go.

Is this a famous Swede?

Because he looks like he
might be a murderer.

I got into comedy so I wouldn't have to
sit at a desk, dealing with paper.

Argh!

Oh! Did I get it in?!

[she hums]

[cheers and applause]

Well, the celebration's gonna
take some beating.

Can we see Mark's?

Yeah, this is Mark's attempt.

Glasses off.

- [audience] Woo!
- Yeah.

[applause]

So I can tell you that Aisling got
Fred in the bin in 66 attempts.

[she giggles]

[laughter]

Mark got Fred in the bin...

in 15 attempts.

[cheers and applause]

Well done.

Well done, Mark Watson.

Go and collect your souvenirs
for keepsake. Mark Watson!

[cheers and applause]

Are we doing bedtime?
Bedtime for you, Alex.

- Is it?
- Yep.

Good, good.

[laughter]

- Just there?
- Yep.

[laughter]

Good boy.

[applause]

So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that even Alex
Horne's closest friends

don't notice when he's not there.

But, hey now, don't forget,
it's all about Mark tonight.

Well done to him, and well
done to you for watching.

Good night!

[subtitles by tribbletown]