Original subtitles

[Clark] No more secrets, right?

So... Here's the rest of me.

-[rumbling] -[both gasp]

[high-pitched voice] What?

[obelisks thuds]

I can't-- It's a ship! Lois, it's a spaceship!

Look at the pointy boys!

They're obelisks.

They project holograms and transport material--

[Jimmy] this is the greatest day of my life!

I know I lied.

-I can't erase that. -[Lois] Then we start over.

Hey, big guy. I'm Lois Lane.

What's your name?

[chuckles softly]

Uh, Clark Kent.

Though sometimes I go by Superman.

Wow, that seems like a great name,

given to you by someone especially talented.

Where do you come from?

[Clark] Outer space.

What planet or where, I... I have no idea.

What can you do?

I'm still figuring that out. [chuckles]

Why did you bring me here? Really.

I brought you here because there's no bad guys,

no robots, and absolutely nothing

to interrupt me when I ask you this,

Lois Lane, will you go on a date with me?

[opening music playing]

Have no fear, your wingman is here.

Let's get ready for tonight's...

[mumbling] Okay, all right.

So, what is happening here, buddy?

Jimmy! Great timing.

You can help me chart out the dates.

-What? -[Clark groans]

This is our first official date.

So I've plotted a route and timed it,

because I'm taking Lois out

for the most romantic evening of her life.

I'll fly in to pick her up at 6:45.

The cherry blossoms in the Park bloom at exactly seven o'clock,

so we'll have 15 minutes to get to the romantic rooftop view,

which we'll savor for, uh, 31 minutes

before flying to Lois's

favorite restaurant at 7:50

for our 8:00 p.m. reservation,

then coffee at 9:30!

So, you finally got a date with the girl of your dreams,

and your first move is to make a flow chart?

And a map.

Seems like you're putting a lot of pressure on this.

Well, it has to be perfect.

Lois deserves it.

One night with no talking gorillas,

or freeze-ray bank robbers.

Just me and her.

Oh, I forgot about the swans taking flight at 7:45.

-Oh, okay. [mumbling] -Well, have fun losing your mind.

I'm going to go hang out at Lois's

where it's normal, and--

[Lois] Hmm, yeah.

-Mmm-hmm. -Nope. She's lost it too.

Jimmy! Great. I think I figured out the perfect gift for Clark.

Oh, a collection of crazed notes written on loose leaf paper.

[Lois] No, no, no.

His past.

Every time I've hit a block, Clark's been there for me,

you know, in one form or another.

And I wanna give him back something in return.

I can't fly or fight robots.

But investigating, finding answers? This is what I can do.

I've started my research, gonna crush it,

and I'm ready to meet Clark ten minutes early.

I'm perfect.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

[exclaims] Sweatpants!

And there it is.

Ugh! I left my dress at the drycleaners.

I'm gonna be late!

[trilling]

[tense music playing]

Most of us own at least one drycleanable item.

Not all of us can wear the same blue jacket every day.

And done.

I can do this. It's just me and Lois,

and no weird Superman stuff to ruin it. [laughs]

[knocking on door]

Superman.

I'm Mr. Mxyzptlk,

an interdimensional peacekeeper, and I need your help.

[door shuts]

Nope.

I'm charged with the safety of the multiverse, son.

So I need you to put on your suit and come with me.

Okay, look, I'm not Superman.

-I'm just, uh... -Mild-mannered Clark Kent.

Wannabe reporter with superpowers.

Nice try, sport, but Clark is Superman in almost every reality,

This Earth, Earth 12, Earth 50, Earth 508,

Weird Earth, the works.

How did you... How did you...

Was I a crab?

There are infinite universes out there, pal,

and infinite Supermen.

But I'm here because Lois Lane is in danger.

Your Lois Lane.

She's been kidnapped by a gang of inter-dimensional criminals.

-[Lois groaning] -[Mr. Mxyzptlk] These people,

they're ruthless.

But if you're sure you're not Superman--

Where is she?

I can get you to their hideout, but, uh, oh...

It's got measures to stop me from portaling in.

You'll have to break through their security.

Whatever it takes to save Lois.

I knew I could count on you.

You're the Dependable Clark.

[chuckles] Now let's go.

[both exclaiming]

[cell phone buzzing]

Huh. No response.

Good. That gives me time to change.

[gasps]

[intense music playing]

[female voice] Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen of Earth 12,

you need to come with us.

Why? Who are you people?

Lois Lane?

I'm Lois Lane.

That's Lois Lane. And that's Lewis Lane.

We are the League of Lois Lanes.

And your Clark Kent is in danger.

[Lois] Huh?

[yells, grunts]

[groaning]

-Where are we? -[Mr. Mxyzptlk panting]

Hey! Are you okay?

I'm fine. Just not as strong as I used to be.

[chuckles softly]

And this is the kidnapper's lair.

They're... They're inside and so is Lois.

Quick, she doesn't have much time.

-[gate rumbles] -[Clark grunts]

Huh? Whoa!

Oops! Ow!

You gotta look out for their guard dog, too.

[trilling]

[exhilarating music playing]

[gasps] What?

[Leader Lois] Welcome to the flagship

of the interdimensional peacekeeping force,

The League of Lois Lanes.

[device beeps]

We were founded by Lois Prime,

the first Lois to discover the multiverse.

We protect every dimension,

recruiting only the best Loises to help.

Usually after our first Pulitzer,

around our 21st birthday.

Oh, um, I'm... I'm 23.

So... You were reporters before then?

Ooh, which Lois are you?

-My name's Jalana Olsen. -[Jimmy gasps]

And unfortunately, it seems I'm you.

Many Olsens are also a part of the league.

This brings us to why you're here.

This is Mxyzptlk.

He calls himself a "Chaos God."

We managed to disarm him, but as we were taking him in,

a portal opened to a previously unknown universe, yours.

He escaped into it.

If I ever get my hands

on the jerks who helped that gorilla

and the brain who opened that stupid portal--

Why do you need us for this Mr. Mxyzptlk?

Because your Clark is helping him.

What? Clark would never help a bad guy.

[scoffs]

No one's saying that.

But we tracked Mxy here,

and now your Clark and Mxy are missing.

Lois, we need your help.

To find him, of course! I'll do what I do best,

investigate. Ah!

[computer trilling]

Excellent.

Once the scanner analyzes your dimensions' tachyons,

we'll be able to find your Clark.

Oh. That's what you needed.

Good. Great.

If it helps Clark, then--

You have no idea what you're dealing with, do you?

Not now.

[chuckles] Give us a moment, will ya?

-In the meantime, make yourself at home. -[Jimmy whoops]

Just not in there.

[device warbling]

[gasps, chuckles]

[Clark grunts]

-Ah! -Great.

Now, you smash and I grab.

Wait. Are... Are you robbing this place?

[laughs] No. Of course not.

We're robbing this place.

-What? No. -Hey, look, there's the good stuff.

-[clattering] -[grunts]

Where is Lois?

Metropolis, probably. How should I know?

Ooh, Cosmic Rod, Flight Ring...

Ah!

Here we go.

Lois was never in danger, was she?

No. Lois was never in danger.

I deceived you. I lied.

Why?

Because portal-proof vaults are a huge inconvenience,

and you are very strong.

[chuckles] But you're not the quickest guy from planet Krypton, are you?

Wha... uh... Krypton? Is... Is that where--

Help me break this glass.

-No! -Oh, that's okay.

I got it. [grunts] Yeah.

[snickers]

-Stop! -[exclaims]

You are going to put that back, and I will turn you over

to whatever authorities deal with you,

and then Lois and I are going on a perfect, normal date!

[laughs]

Normal? You are never going to be normal.

I have seen countless yous,

and it is your fate to always be different,

and weird, and alone.

And you may be stronger than me,

but can you stop me?

[snickers] I think...

[groans]

-[shuddering] -[sighs]

You're not okay.

No. I lost something dear to me.

I'm less... than I was,

but strong enough for one last trick.

No, no, no!

Hey!

I thought now would be a perfect time to get

some footage for my next Flamebird update.

This week's episode is definitely gonna be about the multiverse.

Wait. You're a Flamebird?

Out of all the Olsens in the multiverse,

I've never met another one.

Oh, what's the coolest thing you've seen?

Mine's the decaying remains

of the secret government laboratory

that definitely did not have a gorilla or a brain in it.

Telepathic Horse!

I'll show you!

-Don't, don't make us watch. -Not... Not again! Come on.

Ha-ha! It's time, bird-lievers!

Equus Mensa. Hippos Telepathia.

Comet.

The telepathic horse has many names.

All right. What are you hiding?

[system trilling]

[automated voice] Lois, Earth 52, multiple award-winning reporter.

Earth 24, received key to the city at 19.

Lois, Earth 1, "Ready to meet with Dad."

Hmm.

"Superman-File X. Redacted?"

What does that mean?

Restricted. Access at headquarters only.

So, where is headquarters?

[Leader Lois in distance] Everybody downstairs!

[system trilling]

[Leader Lois] Analysis complete.

We found Mxy and Clark.

They just jumped to Earth 14...

after robbing Earth Prime's Space and Superhero Museum.

I knew it.

No, this... this has to be a misunderstanding.

You know Clark.

Your Clarks.

You know he'd never do something like this, uh, right?

Maybe you don't know Superman as well as you think you do.

-[system trilling] -Coordinates set.

League, get ready.

We go after them in three, two...

[whooshes]

[Mr. Mxyzptlk] The scene is set.

All we have to do... [coughs] is wait for them to show up.

Wait for who to show up?

-[wind blowing] -[Clark yells]

So what do we do?

Uh, what are those?

Only thing that'll take down a Clark.

What do you mean, take down?

Neutralize the Kryptonian.

He's too powerful to give the benefit of the doubt.

No. I won't let you do this.

-We know. -[gasps]

You didn't grab us to help you.

[gun cocks]

Lois, you're not league material,

but you're enough like us to cause problems.

Keep 'em separated.

[muffled] No! Let me out!

Don't do this!

-Watch Olsen. He could be trouble. -[Jalana] Hmm.

[Mr. Mxyzptlk] Well, well. If it isn't Lois, Lois, and what's his name?

But there's something wrong with this picture.

All these Loises and not one Clark.

Got you.

It's him. Fire!

Ah! [grunts]

-[gun fires] -[Clark yelling]

[both grunting]

[groans]

What is... this?

[gasps]

-Clark! -No, Jimmy.

I thought we were Flamebros.

I'm sorry.

[Clark groaning, gasping]

The Clark is neutralized.

Now for you, criminal--

What? Spread out!

He still has some of his illusion powers!

We don't stop until we find--

-[portal whooshing] -[spaceship whirring]

Our Lois is still aboard!

No!

[Leader Lois] Lewis, rig our gauntlets

to pierce the space between worlds.

We can't let Mxy get away.

I'll keep an eye on Superman.

Yes! [chuckles]

And Mxy lived happily ever--

-[gun cocks] -[gasps]

You've got exactly ten seconds to turn this ship around.

Oh, come on!

I went through some really excellent lies

to avoid this exact scenario.

Caught by Participation Trophy Lois.

[automated voice] Coordinates requested,

League Headquarters.

Master Key required.

Wait. League Headquarters.

-You know where it is? -I don't.

But Lois Prime did.

Which is why I nabbed her recorder.

You're not gonna try to stop me.

The other Loises are hiding something from me about Superman.

So you're gonna take us to HQ

and I'm gonna find out what it is.

You met a legion of yourself,

and the first thing you did was suspect them of lying?

Lois Prime would've loved you.

And why is that?

Because she didn't trust anyone either,

which is why she kept a secret backup master key.

And now I know which Lois you are.

You're the fun one!

This place is beautiful.

Eh, it's a little pretentious, in my opinion.

I know I can't trust anything you say,

but I might as well ask,

what do you know about Clark?

Lots. But it'll be way more fun to watch you figure it out.

[door closes]

Here you go. The knowledge of the multiverse

at your fingertips.

[typing]

This is a file?

How... How does... How does it work?

What am I supposed to do with this?

[sensors buzzing]

-[beeps] -[gasps]

Ah!

[grunting]

Sorry, Fun Lois, It's been real--

But it's now time to take back what's mine.

I'm back!

[laughs maliciously]

[panting]

[screams]

[yelling]

[groans]

Now, I'm going to need to get you off my back.

[chuckles] All of you.

-So... -[sensor beeps]

[system buzzing]

Oh, look. It's the League of Loser Lanes

getting in my way.

-Lois. -No, he's got the hat!

[evil laughter]

[all grunting]

[Clark grunts]

I'm so glad you're okay.

[both] I'm sorry I ruined our date.

No, Lois, this is my fault.

I wanted to give you a normal first date

without any Superman weirdness,

but I... I ruined it before it even started.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

I've seen the files. I'm literally the worst Lois

-in the multiverse. -[Clark] No.

You would be better off with anyone else.

Lois...

You're the only Lois for me.

I'm annoying.

You're dedicated. I'm weird.

You're amazing.

I love going on adventures with you, Clark.

I love your brilliance.

I love your kindness.

I love...

I love...

[fireworks bursting]

Hey, not to be a bummer,

but could you stop making out before the Chaos God blows us up!

[Mr. Mxyzptlk laughing]

[yells]

[laughs]

[Mr. Mxyzptlk yells]

[laughing]

[grunting]

I have an idea!

[Mr. Mxyzptlk laughing]

Huh?

Enough of this.

[snickering]

[Clark grunting]

[Mr. Mxyzptlk grunts]

[Mr. Mxyzptlk] Ha!

Ha!

[Clark yells]

[grunting]

Goodbye, Dependable Clark.

Hello, Mxyzptlk, God of Chaos.

You're not strong enough to best me.

[Clark] But I am strong enough... [groans]

for one last trick.

[gasps]

No, no.

-[Jimmy grunts] -[Mr. Mxyzptlk yells]

[grunting]

[groans]

[automated voice] Self-destruct, deactivated.

[sighs] It's over, Mxy.

As for you three--

-Where did they go? -Sorry, Captain.

They grabbed a gauntlet while we were busy.

The computer's too fried to find their universe's coordinates again.

Ugh! Let's just put this one in confinement and call it a day.

[device trills]

[all grunting]

Yes! You can always trust the Flamebro

to have your back.

What time is it?

9:30 p.m.

-[Lois exclaims] -Oh, I'm...

-[Clark chuckles] -...so tired. [chuckles]

Uh, better go. Bye.

[exclaims softly]

So, uh, Lois, um...

It's too late for dinner, but I was thinking...

Treat me to coffee, Smallville?

[sighs]

[humming]

[sighs]

Huh, how do you work?

[beeps]

What?

[people screaming]

[people screaming]

Have you figured it out yet?

[gasps]

Weren't you in jail?

I was! It didn't take.

Besides, your drama is too fun to miss.

Is this some kind of trick?

Oh, no. It's the truth.

Just like not every Lois wins a Pulitzer...

Not every Superman is good.

[Mr. Mxyzptlk snickers]

This just got interesting.

-What is it? -Sorry.

It'll be much more fun to watch you figure it out.

[chuckles] Ta-ta!

[dramatic music playing]