Original subtitles

Woohoo!

Ooh!

Oh!

Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello and hello again. I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome, one and all, to Taskmaster.

This series we've been experimenting

with slimming down the show's opening monologue.

LAUGHTER

Our five crucial contestants are...

..Alice Levine.

APPLAUSE

Asim Chaudhry.

APPLAUSE

Liza Tarbuck.

APPLAUSE

Russell Howard.

APPLAUSE

And Tim Vine.

APPLAUSE

Next to me, obscenely obedient and, believe me, obediently obscene...

..it's...

..liiiiiiiiiiiittle

Alex Horne!

APPLAUSE

This is proper banter time now. We're on camera.

This is when the fireworks start.

OK. Ready?

Are you wondering what that smell is? Oh, gosh. Yes, I am.

Well, I've invented a new scent. I thought I'd show everyone tonight.

There it is. It's my new musk.

Because it's my musk, it's called Alsatian.

Very me. Actually, it's not aftershave, it's before shave.

You spray this on a couple of minutes, or a week or two,

or, maybe, a year before shaving, and its scientifically proven

to cling to your beard because it's made of deodorant and glue.

So...

So, that's it? Is that the end of this banter?

Yes, but there are two more scents to be released later in the show.

Are there? Good. Well...

Good.

OK, we're going to start with a prize task, if you want.

So, our comics aren't just taking on our tasks to win

Greg's Taskmaster trophy.

There is the added bonus of playing for

one another's personal possessions.

'Tonight, we've asked them to bring in the best hairy thing that isn't alive.

So, the winner at the end of the show will take home

a load of hairy things.

And, today, to kick things off, I choose Liza Tarbuck.

My hairy thing that isn't alive

is a collection of FaceTime wigs.

Oh!

I FaceTime mum virtually every other day

so, if FaceTime goes,

I keep them in the kitchen, put a wig on, so that when...

It kind of freaks mum out, but not that much.

I like the way you delivered "FaceTime wigs"

as if they were a known thing.

Are these all in your kitchen? In a bag. Yeah.

Why not? Asim.

My best hairy thing that isn't alive is a life-size cut-out of me.

Let's have a look. This is it. Yeah. Wow! What's that up my arsehole?

That's propping you up. Oh, right. OK.

It's a lovely item. But...

It doesn't look especially hairy. Well, mate, you ain't seen my back.

Well, I'll have to take your word for it

that underneath your clothing you're a hairy man. Cool.

Alice. I figured you'd want something special. Me personally?

You personally. I do.

So I have gathered hair from my hairbrush

and the plughole of the bath and shower

and I formed it into a little ball, a little clump,

and you can, maybe, put that under a bell jar,

or display it on your coffee table.

Here it is.

From your shower? Shower and bath. And bath? Yeah. Very good.

Thank you for your clump of hair.

HE GAGS

Russell Howard. A life-size Chewbacca. Let's have a look.

It is huge, and you can wear it.

Imagine what would happen if you put that on

when you are on the phone to your mum.

That looks like the back of a woman's head

and you're following her and then, suddenly, that mouth opens

and you go... "Aaarggh! Aargh!"

"Hello!"

"Stop following me."

OK. There's one left.

Yeah, it's Tim, isn't it? It's actually a genuine hair from Elvis.

Shut up!

There it is. It's in that little round bit at the bottom there.

Oh, my God. There it is!

Please tell me that hair was caught in a trap!

That would be the most amazing thing.

APPLAUSE

There are several reasons why you might say,

I bet that's not his hair.

One of which being, I bought it in a shop in Manchester.

But, no, if you look at the back of that... And I will. Exactly.

You'll see that there are various letters that are signed.

One of them says that the foremost collector of hair,

he says it's real.

Are you ready to score them? Yeah. I feel bad doing this.

Because we've only done one show

but I've grown to like him very much.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Sorry, mate. There's no hair on a cardboard cut-out of you.

It's hairy, though, right. It looks hairy. Yeah, it looks... But...

It is cardboard, though. It isn't hairy. OK. One point to Asim.

I was thinking I was going to put Alice fourth

because I was expecting the image to be much more disgusting

from her fur ball description.

Now, I might give her joint fourth with Russell

because it's not Chewbacca, is it?

It's just a woman with a massive mouth in the back of her head.

And, then, I actually found Liza's story heart-warming

because I like the idea of her making an effort to wig herself up

before she talks to her mother. Wig herself up, you say? Yeah.

But, I have to accept that Tim's Elvis hair is real, for his sake.

Because I don't want to see a grown man cry on television. OK.

So it's four points to Liza, five points to Tim Vine.

There you go.

APPLAUSE

Good. Let's start with our first task proper, Alex Horne.

I think you mean let's play darts! Oh!

ALL CONTESTANTS: Oh, no!

LAUGHTER

What have you got me?

I'm shit at darts!

Hello, Alice. Hi, Blossom.

Isn't it a horrible day? Thank you.

You know why people don't play darts outdoors, don't you? Why's that?

Get the highest score in darts.

You can either throw one dart from one metre away.

Three darts from 2.37 metres away.

Or 60 darts from 10 metres away.

When throwing, please stand behind whichever distance line you choose.

You have a maximum of 10 minutes. Your time starts now.

This is not my forte.

Isn't it?

I would imagine Tim Vine will go for 60 darts from 10 metres away.

60 darts there, is there? Yeah.

Must be a real quandary for you, Tim,

because you are a proper good darts player. I've seen you in action.

It's weighing the thing up. Do you...

Can you get enough with three darts?

But playing outside, even from a normal regulation distance,

the wind does come into play.

Ready? Yeah.

Well, first up to one of the three oche options are Asim

and Liza Tarbuck.

The idiot in me, which is a big part of me,

wants me to do 60 darts because it's not really a thing of skill,

it's a thing of chance, right?

So, if I just go mental, you never know. But it's stupid.

Well, is that 2.37? It is. Yeah.

I've got to go for the three off of that, haven't I? Have you? Yeah.

I'm going to go for three. Here.

I want to do it.

The annoying thing about the 20 is that it's right next to the one

and five.

'Oh, fuck!

'Three. No, two.

Double, innit?

'Four.

Fuck.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Oh, fuck!

14. HE SIGHS

16. That's shit.

APPLAUSE

Dramatic sign off on the tip.

And then a 10 and... "Fuck!".

Just to clarify the scores, Liza got 32, which is a double Asim.

He got 16. OK, well, listen. That's the end of that leg.

We'll see if Tim Vine is good enough at darts to save his Elvis hair

after the break.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back, each and every one of you.

This is Taskmaster, where we have a hot darts competition on the go.

Isn't that right, Alex? Yes. It's very hot and you're very right.

And you're very hot.

From the standard oche position of 2.37 metres,

which is exactly your height... It is.

..Asim Chowdhury scored 16 in his attempt

and Liza Tarbuck scored an impressive 32.

Up next is the darts semipro himself Tim Vine versus the wild card

Russell Howard.

Let's have a look.

Let me tell you a bit about darts, Alex. I play a bit of darts.

You've got a big crosswind here.

It's a bit behind me, actually. Three darts is not much area for...

Where is the 10? That's the 10. Fucking in for a penny.

We'll go for this, yeah. More fun, isn't it?

You've got just lest than 10 minutes. OK. How is your darts?

What? How is your darts? Not great. All right.

I think the question...

Because, really, throwing three darts from here, even though

I would say, if there was no wind and I was feeling confident,

then, maybe, I'm...

I've got my range in now.

So the question is,

can I hit the board more than three times out of 60 darts?

This is it.

I'm going to go for 60 darts. From this distance.

You've got five and a half minutes. Right. Come on, Vine.

Something is going wrong here.

METALLIC TING

Hit the blooming board...

It's physically not possible, what I'm doing.

SEVERAL METALLIC TINGS

For flip's sake, man!

It just looks like a waste now.

You've let yourself down, Vine.

Aah!

One of the things I enjoyed most about it

was the off-screen ting of despair.

That ting was the centre pole. I hit it about four times.

Should have gone higher.

I'm going to say this to you. I've known you for a long time, Russell.

Yeah. And I genuinely mean this.

I actually found you quite sexy in that.

LAUGHTER

Do you know why? Why?

Because you didn't care that much.

You decided quickly what you were going to do

and you're a natural sportsman and you just started wanging them

into the board.

And I just wanted you to take me away.

And he smashed his melon up, got all punk at the end!

'I tell you what, I was pretty angry with the melon afterwards but I just...

I said a couple of things to it but...

I can show you exactly what numbers Russell hit

with his successful darts.

OK. That was his score.

See, look at that.

He scored three.

APPLAUSE

And what did Tim get? I bet he did well now, didn't he?

I can tell you that fewer of Tim's hit the board...

I feel a "but" coming.

I did. Not enough of a but. Liza got 32. She did. Tim Vine scored,

as you can see, 29.

Oh!

That's not bad. Not bad.

Next up, it's Alice Levine. Here we go.

I don't know whether... I mean, obviously, I'm not an idiot.

Well, not obviously, so I know the middle is a high score

but I don't really even know how you calculate the score

other than the bull's-eye.

There are numbers on the board, Alice. Do you know what?

I'm going to go one for one.

This one's nice. Oh, I've broken that one. OK.

Do you think that bit matters? Which bit? Um, the hat bit.

The wings? Yeah.

It's called the wings. Yeah.

Can you ask me if the wings matter?

Do the wings matter? The wings? Is it not called the wings? No.

What's it called?

The flight.

Fine.

OK.

Is it worth anything on the black bit on the outside?

I don't think so. Oh. That's what I was going to go for.

Come on!

Very close to that triple, isn't it?

That's what I was going for, yes. Thank you, Alice. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Oh, God.

Who would have thought it was possible for that to be made

any more tragic?

Did you ask if you can score on the outside ring?

With fairness to me, the number is by the black bit.

I can tell you, Alice scored 13.

Which is 10 more than Russell and Russell used 59 darts more.

From a metre, you could have pretty much put it in. Excuse me?

You didn't use the lean, that's what he's saying. The lean? Yeah.

Is that the green bit... Oh, no. That's the wings. What is that?

The flight?

He means the... Oh, a physical lean!

LAUGHTER

OK! Russell, I'm afraid, is in last with three. Add 10 for sexy points.

Right, Greg? No.

It goes, Alice, Asim, Tim,

but with 32, Liza is the winner

and gets five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's usually around this time we see a scoreboard, Alex, right?

Yes. Yes, exactly now. Ready?

We've got joint second place and joint first place, as well.

Tim and Liza joint first with nine points.

APPLAUSE

Good, let's crack on. Let's have another task. What is it?

It's time for our first team task.

Oooh!

So, here is an introduction to whet your appetite.

How long have you been there for? Nice suit. Wow! You look nice.

I like the blue. You look really good on it. Shall I...extract this?

"Keep Alex dry. Driest Alex wins." You may not touch Alex at any point.

Wouldn't want to.

"You may not be within the compass when the shower is on."

'"The shower will be turned on for two minutes in two minutes from now."

So, I say we go to the shed and find something... A platform or, like,...

An umbrella. Or tarpaulin. OK.

We may not be in there when the shower's on. But it's not now.

So, let's put a bin bag over him.

It's starting in two minutes, the shower.

Bin bags or tar... Tarpenters.

APPLAUSE

Oh-oh!

Erm, what's a tarpenter?

Don't know. Tarpenter!

Words get lodged in my head, beyond a certain age.

They all ran off to look for a tarpenter. They did.

That's your power, Liza Tarbuck. That's your power. Is it?

Do you want to know why we've teamed them up in their teams?

Because we've got the teams of Alice and Russell

and, of course, Asim, Liza and Tim. Yeah, I'd like to know.

We grouped them like that because of their work schedules. Ah.

Who are we going to see first?

We're going to see Tim, Liza, and Asim first.

Did they manage to keep me nice and dry?

I don't know. I haven't seen it. OK, yeah.

I've got bin bags here. Have you? Loads? Loads, yeah.

I brought this for his head. Oh! Hang on. Let's get one of these on.

And then let's pop that over.

Have that first. It might stop him suffocating. Hang on a minute.

Let's put this over him, like that. 45 seconds. Quick, quick, quick!

We need another bin bag over the top, don't we? OK, yeah.

Are we allowed just to block the shower off?

Lift your feet, please, Alex.

Get out of the compass! Get out!

WHISTLE

Good work. Yeah. The bag's good. OK.

It's keeping it off his feet there, look. Yeah, that's really good.

We've got a lot on his trousers, near. His back is going to be dry.

His front isn't, though, is it? Yeah.

And put it...

Oh, no... Ooh, that's good. Yeah.

WHISTLE

All right. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Bye. Bye.

APPLAUSE

When the shower started going, you screamed, as if what you were

doing was actually blowing up some of those industrial towers.

I was really excited! It was just a shower coming on.

And working with other people. It was thrilling.

I loved it. You worked very hard to get the tarpenters ready.

Tim helped put the tarpenters on.

When the shower started to flow, Tim used his initiative

and started to divert the water...

Whilst staying outside of the circle.

..while staying outside of the circle. Asim...

..stuck a plastic bowl on your head.

I was really keen to get that on, as well,

because I had noticed that's all I contributed.

I was, like, "Don't forget the bowl!" It wasn't a bad effort.

How wet did you feel? Somewhere between soggy and damp, I suppose.

Moist? Moist. Yeah. That's the end of part two.

Oh!

There is part three coming

and it brings more promise of more excitement! Bye!

Hello!

It's Taskmaster, it's part three and it's over to little Alex Horne.

Thank you. This one is called Ache.

Oh. It's a mid-shave so you use this while shaving and it aids the shave

because it's made of Chinese five spice and ground up razor blades.

It helps remove... So, were going to move on to the second team.

We've seen Asim, Liza, and Tim trying to keep me dry.

They partly succeeded. I was only a little bit wet and quite upset.

The next are Russell and Alice.

Hey! Don't try get a cheeky slick little rhyme in.

I've got another one. All right. Ready? Yep.

Up next are Russell and Alice, they are cool kids

and this is what they dids.

How heavy is this? Could we hold this over?

It's too heavy, isn't it? Yeah. I was just thinking that.

It's not that heavy for two minutes. Yeah, that's all right, isn't it?

Yeah, well, let's take that back first and see if that...

Anything else?

Shall we quickly try this and see if that works.

Wait, actually, why don't we, rather than cover him,

cover the shower.

Don't touch Alex at any point, though.

Feel's like he's going to be all right.

Or we could just turn the hose off.

If we disconnect it, makes it go over here.

A-ha!

Just put it down there.

Let's get a hairdryer and really dry him up, as well.

Is there any dry white wine?

Yes, yes, yes!

OK. This is a dry martini. Dry martini?

We're going to hairdryer you, as well.

The shower is on. Well, it looks like you're pretty dry, eh?

I mean, sometimes on the show you just have to put your hand up

and go, they absolutely knocked it out of the park.

So the shower... Yeah. The bit above him, was that on?

Well, yeah, they turned it on but it didn't work.

The shower was on but it was disconnected

because Team Funk went and bust it.

LAUGHTER

Can I just clarify, we haven't settled on Team Funk.

Yeah, that's... By the end, I was very dry.

I was drier than I was before. I was like a raisin.

OK, I'm going to give four points to Alice and Russell

and one point to the other team. They don't even deserve one!

They seem happy with that. Yeah, let's move on.

APPLAUSE Unbelievable.

We're shifting now. What else have you got, Alex?

'We are shifting, aren't we? We've got a different sort of task. Here it is.

Hello, Alex. Asim Chaudhry.

How you doing, mate? Good, thank you.

Hello. Hello, Russell.

Good luck. Thank you.

Take a picture of a group of people, each holding an egg.

Ha!

'Most people holding eggs in a picture wins. You must be in your picture.

You have one week to text the picture

to the Taskmaster's assistant.

Next Thursday, 3:05pm, I'd like a picture of you...

With a lot of eggs? And a lot of people. Up me.

Pardon?

LAUGHTER

If I was gigging at the moment, I could definitely win.

I'm not doing any shows. Right.

Well, good luck. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Right, so, simple.

A picture of as many people as possible holding an egg.

They've got to be in the picture as well. They had a week to do it.

This is Liza's. Wow.

There are 85 eggs there. It's clearly photoshopped.

Did it say in the instructions that you couldn't do that? No.

We can zoom in. You can see Liza.

She's mid-right. There she is. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think it's a good idea. Let's have a look at Asim's.

I just put a thing out saying, "Send me pictures with eggs."

You put a thing out on social media? Yeah. And you got those nine people?

Yeah. LAUGHTER

How many have we got, Alex?

There's 14 there. 14 egg holders but they're real people.

This is a more straightforward approach. Alice, her workmates.

That's Radio 1. And they're holding chocolate eggs up.

We just went with chocolate eggs. It smacks of minimal effort to me.

Sure, sure.

Also, women do work at Radio 1, I must stress.

Erm...

Let's have a look at Russell's.

This is me with the cricket team, the Mumbai Blasters.

You can see my mum in the middle, very excited.

Give me some stats. We haven't seen Tim yet but we've got nine... Nine.

And then we've got 11. Yeah. And then we've got 85.

And 23. Yeah, but they're 85 rogues. Can it.

LAUGHTER

Time Vine had a fifth approach.

Oh!

That's an infinite number of mes holding an infinite number of eggs.

The photographer is my local butcher.

How many eggs can you see in the picture? It just goes on forever.

It doesn't though, does it, mate? Well, it does a bit.

Go on, then, Greg. I think, you know, there's some pictures

of people holding eggs.

Whether they're real eggs or not, it doesn't matter.

In last place, it's got to be Alice... No, Tim.

Because there's only nine hipsters holding eggs.

There's only one butcher and one non-butcher in that one.

I'll decide this.

Six, seven... I can see eight people holding eggs.

So do I not come last any more?

No, because you've got nine useless hipsters holding eggs up.

Are you not happy with it? No, I'm fine.

It's just a game, mate. Exactly. It's nice to be out of the house.

Alice has now got two points. Yeah. Good. Tim's only got one point now.

Asim, there's 14 people. Russell, there's 23 people.

Liza, there's hundreds of eggs, she gets the five points.

Five points to Liza Tarbuck!

APPLAUSE

Time to start another one, I'd say.

OK, this is a task that wound up a little man.

That was me trying to come out as quick as possible.

I'm not familiar with doors. That bit there was... Right.

Hello, Tim. Hello.

What the Dickens?!

Oh.

Make this wind-up little man go on the most extraordinary journey.

You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now.

I'm trying to think of something other than just a long journey.

The motion of the winding

it doesn't say has to be how he goes on his journey. No.

I think we're going to head out to the road, lads.

And we're going to give this...

this guy...

the ride of his life, quite literally.

APPLAUSE

'Pretty straightforward. Yeah. An extraordinary with a little wind-up man.

'A little wind-up man on a penny-farthing. He had a moustache and no eyes, like Hitler,

except for the eyes... And the hat. And the penny-farthing, yeah.

Shouldn't have mentioned Hitler. LAUGHTER

So, who are we going to see first?

Shall we see Liza Tarbuck first? Yeah.

OK, this is Liza's extraordinary journey.

So, I've got the little guy here and what I'm thinking of

is to get him from one side of the road to the other.

He's outside, it's life or death.

You don't get more extraordinary. Has he been outside before?

I don't know. I haven't asked him. He's terse.

I don't even really like him.

Ah.

Oh, my God!

She avoided it.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Still not dead though.

He's not dead. There's life in him, isn't there?

LAUGHTER

Jesus.

Are you all right? He didn't feel a thing. He was alive.

I was scared that he was in pain.

You didn't need to put him out of his misery. I did. It was horrible.

Look at his head. I don't want to look at his head.

APPLAUSE

At the beginning of the extraordinary journey,

you muttered almost to yourself, "I don't even like you."

He was so tinny.

None of us knew you were going to do the stamp

and it was quite harrowing. You were upset.

You did look genuinely upset. He was.

At the time, it was the only little man we had.

LAUGHTER

Do you want to see Russell Howard's little man journey? Oh, I do. OK.

CHIMING BELLS

Right, are you ready? Yeah.

So, he's about to go on a physical journey and a spiritual one.

And who am I? You're the Buddha, so hit him with a quote.

"The route of suffering is attachment."

Bit more preachy. Come on, mate.

"You can only lose what you cling to."

That's better. I'm going to get him up there.

"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."

More spiritual. I am doing it spiritual.

A bit more flamboyantly, mate.

"Rule your mind or it will rule you."

No, you're saying it like a geography teacher.

I need you to say it like the Buddha.

"The route of suffering is attachment."

He's right at the top now. I'm ready.

"The mind is everything..." I'm going to let him go, all right?

I'm ready. Here we go, Buddha.

Right, here he goes!

Here he comes!

Now! Yeah!

And that's why people follow you.

APPLAUSE

Normally, when you see someone talking about their faith,

it tends to be in a very soft, gentle way,

but you were encouraging Alex as if you were a football manager.

Yeah.

"That's it. More spiritual."

"Say it more spiritual."

I really loved it. Who's next?

We're going to see Tim Vine's attempt.

How's it going, Tim? Good.

He's going to go to a fir tree summit. A fir tree summit?

That hasn't happened.

Go.

Keep going!

Come on! To the summit.

Yes, come on!

That's it!

He's there.

And obviously the key to a journey is that he returns.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that hasn't happened.

Let me just think about this. How long have I got? 12 minutes.

LAUGHTER

Not quite long enough!

Come on, Mideon.

Ooh! Come on, boy.

Come on.

Flippin' heck!

Finished.

You've done your journey. Thank you, Tim.

APPLAUSE

You named him Mideon. Mideon, yes.

Why did you go for Mideon?

Well, it wasn't me who went for it, as you put it,

it was his parents.

LAUGHTER

The string was tied around Mideon's neck.

You sort of lynched Mideon.

LAUGHTER

Very different story, isn't it?

Very different from being alive to being lynched.

But, you know, why are we being angry with Tim for that?

Liza kicked the shit out of hers. LAUGHTER

OK, we all need a break once in a while and that while is now.

Then it's part four, when we discover who gets to take home

Alice Levine's hair ball.

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster. It's the final part of the show

and Tim Vine is getting more and more nervous

about losing his precious Elvis hair.

Where were we, then, Alex?

We were trying to send a little man on an extraordinary journey.

So far, he's been on a voyage of self discovery with Russell,

'he's been up a tree with Tim and he's had his life abruptly ended by Liza Tarbuck's foot.

Next up, it's Alice Levine.

Where would be cool to take a journey to?

Where's about as far as you can go?

Southern hemisphere.

Yeah, I might send him to my cousin.

OK.

"Hi, Heather and Ava and Freya. I was hoping you girls could help me.

'"I need to send this little guy on an extraordinary journey for a challenge that I'm doing.

"Is there any way you could take him to the beach with you

'"or to a good old Australian barbecue and send me a picture? Lots of love, Alice."

I'm just going to take this to the Post Office. OK.

And you're happy to approve air mail?

I approve. You've got 11 minutes to get there. OK. B.R.B.

APPLAUSE

So, what happened? You posted him... Yeah. And?

We don't know where he is. LAUGHTER

Why don't we know where he is?

I had to call home to get the address for where my cousin lived

and my dad was, like, "No problem",

and then basically gave me an address from about 38 years ago.

But he definitely had a great journey and adventure

in the postal system, both in the UK and potentially abroad.

He could still be in the UK.

I think he died alone in a bag.

LAUGHTER

He died alone in a bag, you smashed the shit out of him,

you brainwashed him in some cult and you lynched him.

These lot!

Asim's got a very good point, that all of these people

have shown scant regard for small moustached man's safety.

Absolutely not. Such big hope. Such big hope.

The view from fir tree summit is amazing.

Let's have a look at Asim's, and if it's shit, woo-hoo,

there's going to be hell to pay.

Here we go, mate.

Now, listen to me,

be careful, all right?

There's going to be some monsters down there, but I believe in you.

And I believe in that girthy moustache he's got.

It's very powerful, mate.

Godspeed!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Come on, mate!

Cycle! Cycle!

Watch out! Watch out!

Fire!

Monsters! Fucking loads of dangerous shit!

Come on!

Come on, you can do it. I believe in you! Come on, come on, come on!

Come on, mate!

You made it!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

I mean, I loved it. Thank you.

And you're taking directing to a new level as well, by adding "and shit".

LAUGHTER

I just tried my best and shit.

I love the idea of Spielberg pitching ET

"Oh, he's got a long finger and shit."

LAUGHTER

OK, I'm going to make a very quick decision on this.

I'm going to separate one person

because the honesty of her destruction...

If you are going to kill a small man,

at least be blatant about it and say, "I don't like the guy",

and snap his head off.

So, for that reason, I'm putting Asim in first place, Liza in second

and joint third place with three points each are the other three.

Thank you. The winner is Asim Chaudhry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've got one. I've got one.

Can we see a late in the day scoreboard, Alex, please?

Yes, we can. We have an outright leader.

Liza Tarbuck is on 19 points!

APPLAUSE

Can everyone please make their way to the stage

for the final task of the show?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's fascinating, Alex. Who's going to read the task out?

Asim. OK.

When instructed, put your grape in either your mouth or your hand

whilst staring at the Taskmaster.

You must then answer the Taskmaster's questions

and fool the Taskmaster into thinking your grape

is not where your grape is.

You... LAUGHTER

'You must not eat your grape. Your answer must contain at least five words.

If the Taskmaster correctly guesses where your grape is,

you are eliminated.

You get a grape.

You can put it in your hand or you can pop it in your mouth.

Then I'm going to ask you a question and you have to answer in detail,

'and at the end of your answer I will guess whether your grape is in your hand or your mouth.

If you fool him, you stay in. If you don't, you go out.

Whoever's still standing at the end gets five points.

If you want to take a grape. Don't do anything with it yet.

We're going to start with the person in first place,

which is Liza Tarbuck. Let's go, then. OK.

LAUGHTER

Put it in your hand or mouth and I'm going to ask you a question.

What's the best way to tame a horse?

LAUGHTER

I'm afraid you've lost me there. OK.

Greg, where is Liza's grape? The grape is in Liza's hand.

Liza, where's your grape? Out.

Happy to take it.

APPLAUSE

'Russell Howard, you're next. Please put your grape in either your hand or your mouth.

LAUGHTER

You're in a fight with Theresa May's husband.

LAUGHTER

How are you going to take him down? Hit him.

As hard as I possibly could.

And I would then look at Theresa May...

..and I would say...

..if you don't correctly fund the NHS...

..I will finish him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I believe the grape to be in Russell's hand.

Russell, where is your grape?

APPLAUSE

We will now move on to Tim Vine.

LAUGHTER

What's the physically biggest cat you've ever seen, Tim?

Biggest cat?

The biggest...

LAUGHTER

..cat I've ever seen,

is...

LAUGHTER

Is a tiger.

I believe Tim's grape to be in his hand.

APPLAUSE

Alice Levine next.

Are they staying there? Mm-hm.

Clever.

There's a ring at your door. It's Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees.

LAUGHTER

Thinking back to what you currently have in your fridge,

what are you going to offer Barry as a lovely snack?

Hummus. Hummus!

Hummus and celery because it's healthy.

Where is Alice Levine's grape? In Alice's hand.

Yes!

APPLAUSE

Asim Chaudhry, please put your grape in your mouth or your hand.

Ah!

Ooh!

LAUGHTER

What is the best Japanese short story that you know?

I'm not brilliant at Japanese stories.

I like Chinese...

stories.

And hentai.

I believe the grape to be in Asim's hand.

Where is your grape?

Fuck sake!

So Asim Chaudhry's out.

It's a head-to-head.

It's Russell Howard to play first. OK.

Shoot.

What are your favourite words that begin with 'S'?

Slippery.

Sausages.

LAUGHTER

Serendipity.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

It's so creepy.

You fooled me once, you won't fool me again. It's in your hand.

Aargh!

APPLAUSE

Can we check it? Let's see it in your mouth.

It's in my pocket.

I'll be honest with you, I forgot.

I think you have to take a step back.

If Tim Vine fools you, he's won the five points.

If he doesn't, no-one get any points and that's the end of that.

It's a big moment.

Tim, please put your grape in your hand or your mouth. I will.

In a German accent...

LAUGHTER

..could you tell me the best way to mount a trampoline?

Zat is very simple.

LAUGHTER

Take a small donkey.

LAUGHTER

Line it up with ze trampoline and climb on.

Well, I think Tim's grape...

..is in his hand.

Bums on seats!

No-one gets any points!

APPLAUSE

Come down and let see how that's affected the final score.

What happened there, then, Alex?

In a way, there was no point doing any of it,

because no-one got any points.

It's not just about the winning though, is it?

It's about some gladiators hiding their grapes.

And also my brand-new fragrance. Have I got time to...

No, you haven't. It's my roll-on. Drink it.

LAUGHTER

Oh!

Right, do you want some scores? Yes, please.

Alice and Asim are in last place.

Joint second, Russell and Tim. But the winner is Liza with 19 points!

I can't believe it.

Liza has won. Liza, please head up and collect your collection of hair!

APPLAUSE

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that if your beloved pet is injured

in a roadside accident, don't call Liza Tarbuck.

She'll stamp on it and then cover its corpse in a tarpenter.

LAUGHTER

Of course, someone won the show.

Coincidentally, that person is Liza Tarbuck.

Huge congratulations to her.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes. Victory!

Goodnight to you all. Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media