Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

No way!

Er...

Gosh! Where's the hole?

ARDAL GROANS SOPHIE CRIES OUT

CHRIS TRUMPETS Are you having a laugh?

GRUNTING

JUDI GASPS CHRIS CRIES OUT Ooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies, I'm middle-aged

but the pheromones I emit still compel sailor-filled ships

to dash themselves onto the rocks.

Watch them work their magic

as five sensible, and in some cases, intelligent comedians

get angry about rubber ducks.

All for the chance to take home a trophy that is yet

to make its £3 reserve on eBay.

Feast your eyes on their hopeful little faces.

They are...

..Ardal O'Hanlon...

APPLAUSE

..Bridget Christie...

APPLAUSE

..Chris Ramsey... APPLAUSE

..Judi Love... APPLAUSE

..and Sophie Duker.

APPLAUSE

And now for a man who once confided in me that his first French kiss

was with his second cousin, Jacob,

now a legal underwriter on the Isle of Man.

It's little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE

All right, sweet cheeks?

Well, I'm just feeling quite pleased with myself today.

Mm-hm. I've done my, uh, chores for the year,

I've finished my letter to Santa.

"Dear Santa, this year I want spaghetti, press-up equipment floor,

"uh, a million earrings and infinity wishes,

"cos that way...

"Thank you, Alex."

LAUGHTER And off we go.

Let's hear about today's Prize Task category please, Alex.

Here you go. They had to bring in today

the object that you would most like to show to an alien.

Five points will be given to the owner of the object

Greg thinks is the best one to show to an alien

and all five objects will go home with the person

who has the most points at the end of the episode.

Whether they will ever get to show them to an alien,

I'm afraid I just don't know at this stage, Greg.

All scripted. Yeah. Incredible.

Bridget Christie.

Oh, me first? Yeah, why not?

Ooh. Well, I thought that I would show an alien the film ET.

He'd get... I'd get all cosy,

get some treats in and then say,

"This is what we think you're like."

And then we could watch the film and I'd go,

"Do you do that?" And they'd go, "Oh, you know,

"none of us have done anything like that really."

Do you think aliens would like that representation of them?

I think they would be going, "Who the hell is this guy?" You know.

What, ET?

He needs to be sacked. Yeah. This is rubbish.

He needs to be sacked from the aliens. Yeah.

Sophie, can you beat ET?

The answer is yes, by the way. Yeah. Yes.

I think the thing about the aliens is that they're a threat

so I would show them a historical artefact.

A portrait of me and my housemates

but in the style of a Dutch militia company.

Well, I, I, I feel like I've had a stroke at this stage.

THEY LAUGH

So you'd show it to the aliens.

I'd show it because they want to know about the timeline

but this would confuse their understanding of the timeline.

Enabling you to...

Travel through time.

I dunno... I dunno what's going on here.

He'll be like, "Let's go, how are you here?

"Why aren't you in the Netherlands?"

I think they'd spend ages analysing this. Yeah.

I think they'd spend most of their time just...just colouring it in.

Judi. Yes. This should be fun.

What do you think's the best thing to show an alien?

I would show an alien a ruby cubey.

That's what I call it, OK.

Yeah, cool.

I'm showing him this because these aliens always going on like,

you know, they're so smart, they're smarter than us,

I would be like, "Fix that, innit.

"Do that in ten seconds and then I know you're real."

What if they had... if you had a competition...

Yeah. ..and they asked you to do it really quickly.

I would say, "I am Queen Zufufu

"and I do not take part in these things because..."

And your Queen Zufufu is powerful.

It's something I made up, I made up in my head. No way.

I thought you really were Queen Zufufu.

ARDAL: You're not Queen Zufufu? Oh, no. No. No.

So if I've got this right,

you would present the alien with a Rubik's Cube

and announce yourself Queen Zufufu. Yes.

And expect them to be your servants?

Yes.

OK. Thank you.

Yeah. Good, good answer.

Chris.

It's me robot lawnmower.

Yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful.

I mean, separately, away from this question,

that's a lovely bit of kit.

Thank you.

The reason is cos I feel like aliens would either be well impressed

or they'd improve it somehow, which'd be win-win for me.

I...I am struggling to see how it would excite

the alien life force because of their advanced technology, Chris.

Well, we don't know, it's all hypothet... I mean, Al... I'm looking at you, Alex.

You didn't even like the bit at the beginning. Saw an alien,

we don't know anything about these aliens... Ooh, he's gone too Geordie for me.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Right, let's see if Ardal can beat robotic lawnmower.

OK, the best thing, uh, to show an alien would be a mirror.

Ooh. Like as in Frankincense?

Uh, no, a mirr-or.

Mirrurr.

Oh, you think it would be a mirror?

A hand-held mirror...

..because it's the thing, like, we made the leap

towards self-awareness when we invented the mirror

and if I held the mirror over my face like this... Hmm.

..and met the alien, so the alien would have to have

a good look at themselves, possibly for the first time ever,

and I think if they had a good look at themselves,

saw all the heads and the slithery bits and the drool

and the slime, I mean, I think, you know,

they might become quite self-conscious and...and retreat.

Now... OK.

I want you all to take note from what Ardal's done there.

He's brought something totally shit in...

LAUGHTER

..but what he's done is

he's constructed quite a clever argument

that means I can give him more points than all of you.

So, is it points time? It feels like it might be.

I'm going to give Ardal five points... Right, well.

..straight away, I'll tell you that.

APPLAUSE

Good work. Good work.

There's got to be a gulf between Ardal and the others.

Of course there has.

Right, I'm going to give all of the others two points each.

GASPS

Wow. Wow. Well, well done, Ardal O'Hanlon gets five points.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's go. The competition proper.

Yes. We're in. Yes, and we start with one of my pet names for you,

Greg, it's the Pretty Maypole. Here we go.

Hello, Ardal. Hi.

Lovely.

This is fun.

Oh, of course. They're all fun.

No, they're not. Oh.

It's a bit muddy and animals.

What animals were there?

Moos. Ah.

"Either tie a ribbon round the maypole

"or strike it with a ping pong ball.

"You must be properly blindfolded at all times."

Thank you, of course I must.

"And must never step beyond the rope."

And when we say beyond the rope,

you can step on the rope, but not over it.

"Fastest wins.

"Your time starts when Alex gives you a thumbs up."

CHRIS: Goggles, ribbon.

Is that a papoose.

You recognise the papoose?

Papa-who?

Oh, it's like a little baby.

Wait, I'm crying already.

Ah. Cos I'm feeling quite maternal.

Right.

Like, these are like my eggs.

They shouldn't be out and about.

Are you sure this is just not for your pleasure?

Bit of both.

Oh, me eyelashes. Me eyelashes.

Ow. You've never played role-playing things at home, have you?

Have we got thumbs up?

No, I won't give you a thumbs up till you spin round ten times.

It doesn't say I've got to do that.

I know, but that's what's going to happen.

Oh. One.

Was that one? One.

It's a bit cruel, Alex.

Uh-huh.

Are you counting?

Yes.

Are you counting? Yes.

Happy?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I'm actually losing my balance a little bit now.

That's definitely ten times.

No, that's 12 now.

You...you said ten.

I've given you the thumbs up.

Oh, my God, you absolute twat face.

Ardal, I wrote down, I hope this isn't insulting,

I wrote down, "Increasingly, Ardal puts me in mind of

"a provincial vicar who comes round to help in the garden

"but makes things worse."

Looks quite fun, I'm excited. Let's go.

OK. Right, well, we're going to start

with Ardal, Judi and Bridget. Here are their attempts.

Have you given me the thumbs up?

Yep. Oh, OK.

Alex.

Yes. Am I close to the rope?

Hmm. You've been closer.

Was that good?

One. Two.

Is it hitting it?

I don't know where I am.

Nope. I don't know where I am. My head's spinning.

Oh, what's this?

That's not a pillar I don't think.

No.

Is that a fence? Yes.

Eh? The fence is miles away.

Maypole's flap...

Uh-huh. ..in my experience.

So you're listening out for flapping?

I'm listening...listening out for flapping. OK.

No, that's, that's you flapping, Alex, is it?

I'm not flapping.

I'm just sort of wandering around.

Ooh.

Oh, is that another bloody fence?

Yeah, you've found the other fence.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, there's the rope.

If I just move the rope up to the maypole

and then just not go beyond it.

OK.

Ooh, shit.

SHE LAUGHS

What are you doing, Judi?

I'm trying.

SHE SNORTS

POLE DINGS

I've stopped the clock. ARDAL CHEERS

Yes. Ah.

What's that?

Ooh.

Well, I've got both now so I just need to find the maypole. Yes.

Judi, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Alex? Yes.

Yeah, I'm trying to get the ribbon out.

Oh, no, that's not the ribbon. The ribbon was on your... Ah.

I'm done.

Ooh.

It's obviously over here.

Ooh.

Striking.

Yes, I've stopped the clock, congratulations.

SHE LAUGHS

Right, I take back what I said about Ardal being

an ineffective provincial vicar

because that was an elite athlete.

That was someone with a system and I hope you don't mind,

I wrote down what I think the system would be named

and it's called Listening To The Flap.

Right, onto Bridget's system.

System? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Well, he... Not my fault.

You did. You made me spin too many times.

I think if I'd done ten spins I'd have...

It would've been less of a shit show, would it?

Oh, I'd have been... It would've been seconds I expect.

Judi. I mean, I can short cut and tell you that the final part

of the system was you on your hands and knees

wheezing in front of a maypole, sure.

No-one else heard the wheezing, Greg,

you didn't have to say that bit, babes.

They heard the wheezing.

Go on, tell me some times.

Well, you know, I don't think you'll be that disappointed by Bridget.

11 minutes 30. Not a disaster.

It felt longer, I think we'd all agree.

Judi, she was quick. Can't be good.

It was four minutes 15 seconds.

How?

Ardal's finding flapping throwing, two minutes ten.

Time for a break. Go and drink some water,

what you're eating's full of salt, your body needs water.

You need to start being kind to yourselves.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and a very warm welcome back to the second part of the show.

Before the break, the contestants were trying to locate a maypole

to either strike with a ping pong ball

or tie a ribbon around, all whilst blindfolded.

There are only two people to go

and they're really, really young compared to the others.

It's Sophie and Chris.

Oh, no. Oh, no, I don't know where it is.

I can stand on the rope, yeah?

OK.

Why are you saying OK?

All the information's on the task.

Which I can't read. Oh.

I'll stop the clock.

Not quite.

Oh.

Yes. I've stopped the clock.

SHE CHEERS

Have you ever felt cooler?

It's the best thing that's ever happened in me entire life.

Do not pan down, I might have an erection.

Amazing.

First time. One ball. First time.

Perfection. Hmm.

That's what it was.

Yes, but was...was there a system?

Yeah, he held on to the pillar while he was spinning,

so he never lost his bearings.

Oh. Wow. Clever.

Ooh, you never thought the flapping system would be beaten, did you?

Now, the mother.

Yes.

You know, fairly decent performance.

She promised to pay anyone who beat her £20.

So, I guess what we need to do is

see the two throws next to each other in real, actual real-time.

I'm going to hit it.

Happy? Yes.

Oh, no. Oh, no, I don't know where it is.

Down there.

No.

Right. Have I had a thumbs up yet?

Yes. OK. Are you sure?

Have I had a thumbs up?

Yeah, I'm not blindfolded.

Not quite. Oh.

Yeah, I've stopped the clock.

I've stopped the clock.

All right. Bye, Chris.

Bye, Alex. Bye, easiest task of the series.

Hey, hey.

Wow.

Let's be honest, speaking on behalf of the whole room.

Who thought that that would be exciting?

LAUGHTER

Well, Bridget obviously one point, she took ages.

Judi four minutes - two points.

Ardal, three points for his two minutes in the flapping,

but Chris only gets four points,

in an impressive 38 seconds

but Sophie five points for 31 seconds.

There we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a scoreboard.

I think you'll be surprised by who's in the lead.

It's Ardal O'Hanlon with eight points at this stage.

Not surprised at all. Next.

Ooh. One...one second.

Greg, smile.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Lovely stuff, there it is.

That is very cool.

Ooh.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Ardal.

CHRIS: Very cosy, isn't it?

This is where I live.

It's horrible.

Everything I want. Yeah?

That's weird.

My hero.

Why's he your hero?

Is there any way of not having that there?

No. OK.

Oh, I love them, man. I'll never get sick of a wax seal.

"Reveal the coolest photo in your phone.

"You have five minutes.

"Your time starts now."

Let me see, let me see, let me see.

Ooh, that one's a bit naughty.

SHE LAUGHS

I'd like to see it.

No. No.

No.

There's me paddleboarding. Oh, that's cool.

I've got me dressed as Charles II.

SHE LAUGHS

Judi...

Judi.

OK, that's not cool.

Are they beetles?

No, they're sockets. Sockets. Hidden in a wardrobe.

OK, so you've got some options.

Oh, God.

I've got one of Margaret Atwood reading her own book.

Lorraine Kelly.

Does he like Kingfishers?

Would this appeal to him?

Even though I live in the countryside, I get 927 mg a second.

That is cool. That's the quickest.

Oh, I've a brilliantly cool photo. It's not very clear.

Unfortunately, it's not really visible to the human eye.

Can I see it? TM's going to love it. He's going to love it.

I'm going to go with this one.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Oh, it's...

It was the worst blow I've ever seen, I think.

Thank you for the photo.

I've only...

SHE GASPS

Oh, that's so evil.

"Recreate the coolest photo in your phone.

"Most accurate recreation wins.

"You have 15 minutes.

"Your time starts now." How am I going to do that?

Sockets would've been easy.

Sockets would've been so easy, you're right.

I guess we should tuck into what everyone's view of cool is.

Hmm. Yes.

Uh, sockets in a wardrobe.

They were hidden in a wardrobe. Hidden.

It's not the one I chose in the end.

But you thought about it.

Well, we're going to hold back the photos for a little while.

Let's see them preparing their replica photos.

Let us do that. Here we go.

I've got some ideas. Oh, my God, this is the smallest caravan ever.

What's wrong with ya?

I'm going to do your nipples and then I'm going to do your face.

Pardon?

BRIDGET: That's got to attach to something.

CHRIS: I need a onesie. Something grey.

JUDI: I need you to draw some faces. Faces.

Faces. Ahh.

HE SIGHS

Cheese. Take number one.

Well, that is dangerous.

CHRIS: No. No. No, that's not right.

They're mountains by the way.

I think the teats look like darker and better if they're a bit wet.

OK, we're nearly there.

CHRIS: Can I have beer?

Yeah, look at that.

That foot is in that hole

and this foot is on top of that one.

I...I don't think it's going to work.

Oh, you're doing real good work there you know, babes.

Yeah, thank you. Uh...

Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh...

Great.

OK. Well, I think I'm done.

Hmm, intriguing. Very intriguing.

Well, I think I've got a bit of a handle on what

Judi, Ardal and even Chris are up to.

The other two, I mean, literally scare the shit out of me.

"I'm going to do your nipples first then your face,"

and then there were some wet teats?

Yeah, there was wet...wet teats. "I'm going to make your teats wet."

I'm going to, yeah. Lovely. And I don't know what this madness is.

It's, you know, I'm off the ground.

Now that's the sort of teaser we need to go into a break.

Just time for you to pull your trousers down

in front of your partner and scream, "Why don't you see me any more?"

Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's part three and it's little Alex Horne with the news.

Dong. Before the break...

How they do it.

Before the break, the cast showed me their cool photos

and then had to try and physically recreate those cool photos.

Dong. Off we go then.

First of all, here's Chris' recreation of the cool photo.

It's a nice...nice photo, isn't it, Greg?

Yeah. This was the original photo.

Aw!

The future man.

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

Oh, my God, you know I'm a qualified social worker, right?

Wow. We can see the original

and the recreation next to each other.

Ahh.

SOPHIE: You could've pissed in the bottle or something

to make it yellow.

There's a lot more stars on your...

OK. Well, this time I'm going to start with the cool photo

and then the recreation.

So this is Bridget's coolest photo in her phone.

GASPS

Wow. Oh, my God.

Yeah, she's in the air holding herself up

just with her arms on the rope.

Pretty cool.

Would you like to see the 15-minute recreation?

Who's that?

So we can see the two next to each other. Yeah.

There are hoops, there's a hoop in there.

The...the hooded man in the original isn't pissing against a wall.

That's what I thought but I hadn't seen that,

otherwise I'd have changed like to say you look like you're pissing.

JUDI: Quite good though.

OK, again, we're going to see Sophie's original photo first.

Her coolest photo was of a dog in Ghana.

There it is.

It's a pretty odd choice but there... Thank God.

I think we know where this is going. This is what happened next.

APPLAUSE

That is excellent. I just...

Can we see them next to each other? Course we can, side by side.

I won't know which one's which.

I think you've got the breed wrong.

I think that's clearly an Alsatian over there.

Wow.

I've got the teats, the teats are wet. The bags.

I'm... I'm very aware of the wet teats.

Let's see Judi's cool photo.

It's her performing at Wembley Arena.

Beautiful. I mean, it is an undeniably cool picture

but I'm marking you on the accuracy of the recreation.

Good luck, Judi. Oh, well, you know me, babes.

All right, so just keep looking at that.

I'm just gonna put the other one up. You'll barely notice the change.

Here we go.

I'm not going to tell you when I've done it.

JUDI LAUGHS

Now, bear in mind that was a quarter of an hour,

just a quarter of an hour she did that.

I mean, what? The SSE is there, the guy is that,

look, same expression with the guy with the...

Look, look at the teeth,

the one at the top with the teeth on the... Yeah, yeah.

The dog from the last photo's in it.

You've got the... Oh, the dog is there. The dog...

THEY LAUGH

OK, here's them side by side.

Look at that, you see, look.

Good. We've heard a lot from the last guy.

Yeah, he has, he's really been chopsy through this.

Hmm. This is what he created, again, in just 15 minutes.

Here's his picture.

So... JUDI LAUGHS

OK, here we go, with just a touch of a button. There's the original.

It's some sheep playing football.

Some sheep playing football in Ireland.

The nerve of the man.

SOPHIE: You said the breed of my dog was different.

You was saying there was too many stars on my onesie.

At least I mead some effort to make sheep.

OK, all ten photos here.

Here we go.

There's some quality there.

Shall we get this over with?

Yes, here we go. Here we go. Ready?

In last place first please, Greg.

Well, I mean, come on.

Ardal gets one point. Correct.

Really?

Well, look. I mean, obviously

it's the preposterous wet-teated dog, isn't it?

That's...that's me you're talking about, I think.

For accuracy's sake, I must put Judi at three points.

OK, three points to Judi.

It feels... Is it another tragic silver medal for Chris?

Yeah, and I do think it's cruel

because I very much enjoyed his picture

but Bridget takes it.

It's the best recreation,

it's five points to Bridget Christie.

All right, you will give me another task, please.

Yes, I will. How about this?

It's the first team task of the series.

CHEERING

Hey.

Hello. How are ya?

Ah, how's it going, man? Good to see you.

You all right? Yeah, nice to see you.

Ahh.

Ahh. Yeah.

Hello, babes.

So what...what the hell's going on here?

In this task, you two are a team.

Oh, that's good to know.

Ahh.

Hello. Some company at last.

This must be what it feels like when you're on like

Love Island or something. Yeah.

"Score a goal.

"With each of the exercise balls.

"You may only move the exercise balls on the pitch

"when driving the buggy.

"Each person must score a goal using their own personal wheels

"to drive the buggy and no-one may score two goals in a row.

"Fastest hat-trick wins.

"The fastest hat-trick wins.

"Your time started when you broke the seal."

Ooh, sorry. I mean, honestly. I'm so sorry.

I didn't listen to any of that.

Ahh.

Could the instructions be any clearer?

Ahh.

Right, I need to do things really slowly. OK...OK.

"Score a goal."

Oh, no. This is going to really stress me out.

Then there's a line. Oh, no.

Where's the buggy?

ALEX: It's not far away.

Is it within the confines of the hockey pitch?

Yes. OK, thank you.

Uh...

Someone look for the buggy. Oh, is that the buggy?

I haven't finished, we're... OK. Oh, no. ..only halfway through.

Is part of the task to find the buggy?

Well, we didn't think it was, but apparently it is.

OK. Uh, well, let's...

Are we stupid? Let's have a look for the buggy.

Ahh. Oh, there it is.

APPLAUSE

Very hard to pick who I think's going to be worse.

JUDI LAUGHS

Very hard.

Uh, the angle is unfair. From where we were,

that bit of wood was obstructing the view of the buggy.

You... Oh, you was the same place where we was, weren't you? Yeah.

We found it straight away.

Yes.

Let's let the chaos commence.

All right, and we're going to begin with the boys. Good luck.

Um, I'm weirdly confident with these, can I go first?

OK, yeah. You go first, yeah. I'm weirdly confident with it.

Please, please go first.

That'll do.

Vroom-vroom-vroom.

Chris. Bye.

So I'll be... I'll be kind of a cox, yeah?

You can't touch the balls, Ardal.

Go on, Chris. You gonna do a Panenka?

I don't like football, so I don't know who that is.

It's good. It's good, it's good.

Ahh. Ahh. Don't touch it, we'll get told off.

Ahh.

This way. Come on, come on, come behind it,

come behind it, come behind it.

Uh, nice, nice. Oh, that's good.

Ah, shit.

Oh, no, no.

Ah, God.

It's much harder than I thought it would be, Ardal.

Gentle. Gentle.

Yes. Yes, to the pit stop, let's go.

Yay.

Let's put a clock on the pit stop.

And he's in.

OK, you do the mechanics there.

Done it. OK, grab yours.

OK.

OK. Fit? Yeah, yeah, good.

Oop. No, no, no, that's the wrong way.

Down, yeah. Both hard. Put your feet up, whack it.

What do I do?

Up to stop.

Oh, I see. Yeah. And then it's like that. Yeah.

So that's that and that's that.

Going for the start.

Lovely. Lovely start.

Oh, my God. He's done it.

Oh, my! Brilliant. Ha-ha!

That is absolutely amazing.

HE CHEERS

Smashed it. We're in.

Where do we go? Wonderful work, sir.

Turn us on.

Yeah.

Ooh, nice control.

Look at that ball control. Come on.

Ahh. Turn, turn, turn.

Ah, no.

Ah, this is good. This is good technique.

Go on ya... It's stuck.

It's in, it's over the line.

No, that's not fully over, it's not fully over.

Yes. Now it's fully over.

I've stopped the clock.

Well done, Chris.

Amazing stuff. Whoo.

Right, I've written this sentence down. OK.

See what you make of it.

"Throughout that, I felt like a proud father watching his two weird sons have fun together."

Have we got a picture of Ardal?

Yes, you could see how much fun he was having.

This is... There we are. ..his face mid-flow.

There's Ardal, aged nine.

My tongue helped a lot.

Um, my tongue is a sort of a throttle. Uh...

We'll take that quote in isolation.

My tongue is some sort of a throttle.

Yes. Their total time was eight minutes and 38 seconds.

Hmm. OK. Time for a quick break.

Go into the street and egg the windows

of anyone not watching this show, we need to smoke these people out.

Welcome back, everyone, it's the final part of the show

and we're in the thick of our first team task.

Yes, it's boys versus girls this series. The boys have been

and now it's the turn of the girls

to score three gym ball goals on a hockey pitch

whilst driving a hover cart. Here's how they got on.

Bridget. Bridget. You want to go first?

Bridget, you look like... No. Last night,

I genuinely pointed the remote control at the oven

and so I'm not going first.

OK.

Do you want to go first? Cos I'm obviously going second.

I'll go first.

Oh, God. OK, it's heavy.

Oh, God.

And then off you go really.

SHE SCREAMS SOFTLY

SHE SCREAMS

Wrong way.

Get that goal, girl. Get that goal.

Ahh.

Oh, you've gone past them.

Oh, God. OK.

OK. This is... Oh, God.

Ahh. There's a slug.

Would you like me to help?

I think we can touch the ball when it's not on the pitch.

Ahh.

Go on, girl.

Ahh.

Yes. Goal.

That's one goal.

Yeah. Congratulations, Sophie.

Let's go, next. Next.

Right, you're in the pit area.

OK. Alex, I love the way you're just watching us but...

Ah, do you want me to applaud?

Uh, you could applaud when we do a goal.

Let's go.

Is it on? No.

I'll turn it on for you.

SOPHIE LAUGHS

OK...

OK.

Oh, good control. Guys, guys.

Yeah. Have you done this before?

No.

This seems like a lot more civilised.

Guys, I just need it to go straight.

Right, one more goal to score.

How do you turn it?

Judi. This way, Judi.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Straight for the ball.

She is fast.

You can do it.

Yes, girl.

Ah.

Bring it home.

I...I can't move round. Oh, hang on. That's it, girl.

Do it.

That ball's between your legs.

Ahh. Ah-ah.

Yes.

WHISTLE BLOWS

It's a goal.

APPLAUSE

Sophie, I hope this isn't offensive, uh, screamed like a lamb.

No, that's fine, you can say that.

I think that's...that's...that is valid.

And yet, you employed full power.

I thought... Thought it was a confident lamb.

Yeah, I was trying to go fast.

You went fast but for a long time.

Yeah.

Judi, I hope this isn't insulting.

THEY LAUGH

Initially, I thought you had

"the rictus grin of Davros from the Daleks."

There was something about the stillness.

I...I think there was something wrong with mine,

it was really slow.

It was going really slow.

I thought that was you doing that on purpose.

I thought you were being quite poised.

Oh, was I can I control the speed?

Yeah? Bridget's ball technique, pretty sweet. Hmm.

Didn't say I couldn't.

No. Popped it on your lap. Popped it on me lap.

Scored with yourself. Yep.

It took them a long time to read the task,

a long time to construct the machine and their pit stops were also long.

But what an entertaining team they are.

Oh, they're lovely to watch. The flare of the individuals.

Yes, useless but fun. Yeah.

But it all added up to, uh,

eight minutes 38 from the boys,

15 minutes and two seconds from the girls.

Ahh. So there we go.

But it's up to you, Greg, to divide the points.

Normally it's five points split between the two teams,

so it could be five and zero,

four and one, three and two, it's up to you.

Oh, well I can't give my lovely boys nothing.

No, no, well they won.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that...that make...

I can easily give the baby lamb nothing.

I think five and three feels fair.

Oh, right, OK.

No, that's fine, yeah. Yes, cool.

So we're getting three points? Three points.

Yeah, I think it was, uh... Ahh. SHE BLEATS

Three points to the girls, five points to Ardal and Chris.

Quick look at the scores.

OK, then. At the top,

he won the last episode, he's winning this one as well.

With 15 points, it's Chris Ramsey. He's getting away with it.

Pretty close. Right, you better make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

APPLAUSE

Right, who's going to read the task out, lovely pretty boy?

Thank you again, Greg, for my compliment.

I would like Chris Ramsey to read the task today, please.

"Identify the object under your table

"and draw it on the canvas on the underside of your table.

"You must also write down three words

"to describe your object.

"Most accurate drawing wins.

"You must also stare menacingly at the Taskmaster at all times.

"You have 100 seconds."

Stare at him at all times? Yeah.

Menacingly. Greg, are you ready for me to reveal the objects?

Oh, God, yes.

OK, off we go.

Lovely.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

I was quite pleased with my little trot. Shall we start?

Yes. Your 100 seconds...

Chris.

..starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

And they're off.

Do not stop looking at me. Do not...

HE SHRIEKS

CHRIS: Oh, what's happening? Why does it feel weird?

What's happening?

Oh, wait, we've got to put our hand in this...?

Just keep looking at me.

It's...it's on the bucket, Judi. On the bucket, Judi.

It's on the bucket, Judi.

What is this? And why does it feel the worst thing ever?

Urgh.

ALEX: That's exactly the question.

Ahh.

Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Oh, the words on the table?

Yes, I should've said that. I'm watching you. Watching your eyes.

We're looking for colours, textures.

CHRIS: I don't know what she's doing.

Are you all right, Sophie?

Uh-huh. OK.

You look happy. All good, Sophie. Yeah?

Make sure you've written your three words.

Have you all written your three words?

CHRIS: Yes. Yes?

WHISTLE BLOWS OK.

OK, relax. Don't look.

APPLAUSE

Right.

Hello, Ardal. Hi. Hello. So, Ardal. How are you?

What three words did you write down for your object?

I wrote - wet, horse, green.

Wet, horse, green.

Not a wet, green horse.

No, a wet horse green. No, wet horse green.

OK, well, let's have a look at your wet horse green.

There it is.

And here is...

Here is your wet horse green.

There's the actual object.

It's a wet camel. It is soaking wet, he has got wet right.

Sorry, is it worth me saying, uh, making a comment on Ardal's?

Yes, always. It's rubbish.

OK.

Hello, Bridget, what have you drawn?

Birdy hand finger.

OK, well, let's have a look at your birdy hand finger.

It's like a character from a '60s film.

Ooh. Ooh, birdy hand finger.

Yes, there's your birdy hand finger.

OK, well, let's pop that down there

and let's show you your birdy hand finger.

There you go.

Ooh, it was a... It's not awful.

It's pretty credible, because honestly, from here

I don't know what that object is.

Well, it was a rubber glove frozen in a fridge

with two fingers snapped off, obviously.

Oh, of course.

Hello, Chris. Hello.

You've written three words. I've got stuff on me hands.

Yes, what do you think you've got on your hand? I don't know.

I've sniffed it, but I'm frightened to lick it.

Do not lick it. Do not lick it.

Good rule of thumb. Good rule of thumb.

What have you written down there, Chris?

"Gunky slime," and I've tried to write "vase"

but I don't know, that's terrible.

Gunky slime vase.

Gunky, gunky slime vase.

OK. That's his picture of a gunky slime vase.

Oh, I mean, honestly... AUDIENCE GASP

That's a gunky slime vase.

To be fair... I can't wait to see what this is.

..unlike Ardal's, it's a shape.

It is a shape and he's got the opening of the fish vase.

Oh, you... It's a gunky slime vase.

Gunky slime vase.

Yeah, it's a fish vase covered in jam.

Right, Judi, what have you, uh, what have you written down?

Sea, crab, lobster.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Oh. Given yourself a couple of options.

You said three words.

Yes, no, I... Yes. All right, here it is.

Look, let me show you something.

OK. Let me show you something. Yes.

The sea. That's the sea. Oh, yeah.

And that's the lobster bit at the sides.

But I'm a... I'm a special child

and I colour on the outside of the lines.

Yeah. I mean, she's got the colour right.

There we go.

Come on. Come on.

APPLAUSE

CHRIS: Nice.

She has captured something of the essence of that beast.

She has. Yeah.

Finally, Sophie Duker. Yeah.

You've written down a little sentence.

I've written down, "Difficult to see."

Yes.

What do you think it is?

Like, a really effective condom.

Can we have a look at the picture of her really thick condom?

Pfft!

That spells pregnancy.

LAUGHTER

It does spell pregnancy, yeah.

OK, do you mind if I just pop it now?

It's a pineapple, that's all it is.

Yeah. Yeah, it's just a pineapple.

Well, there we go, Greg, that's it.

Well, it would be very unfair for me

to make a distinction between Ardal's and Sophie's

being as they both are rubbish.

One point? One point for both of them.

OK, we're moving up, I guess, to three points now.

I think gunky slime vase is probably the three points

because it's a basic interpretation

of quite an elaborate jam-covered fish.

Judi's flavours of the sea takes second place with four.

Wonderful. And whatever that pointy finger thing was

takes the full five points. Congratulations, Sophie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come back down and we'll see how that's affected the final scores.

Ooh.

Well, there we are. Welcome back.

Thank you. Nail-biting stuff.

Yes. Bridget did very well, she got the five points

and it was almost enough to give her the episode win

but not quite.

For the second episode in a row we have... Oh.

We have the winner, it's Mr Chris Ramsey.

This time with 18 points. Wow!

Again.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Chris Ramsey is tonight's winner.

Please beam yourself onto the stage

and collect your alien-friendly goodies.

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that in hundreds of years

when the Earth is scorched and the human race is long gone,

hopefully, aliens will visit and find something that tells them

that Queen Zufufu and her army of Dutch militia reign supreme over ET,

robot lawnmowers and the mysterious shining mirrurr.

That's it then. Until next time, take care of yourselves

and well done again to Chris Ramsey.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media