All language subtitles for The Producers 23.976 FPS Blu-ray-English.ENG

Opening night
Opening night

It's opening night

It's Max Bialystock's latest show

Will it flop or will it go?

The cast is taking its final bow

Here comes the audience now

The doors are open
They're on their way

Let's hear what they have to say

He's done it again
He's done it again

Max Bialystock has done it again

We can't believe it

You can't conceive it

How'd he achieve it?

It's the worst show in town

We sat there sighing

Groaning and crying

There's no denying

It's the worst show in town

Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss

We've seen shit
But never like this

Max Bialystock has done it again

The songs were rotten
The book was stinkin'

What he did to Shak espeare
Booth did to Lincoln

We had this specially made up
for Max Bialystock.

We couldn't leave faster

What a disaster

We are still in shock

Who produced this schlock?

That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock

What a bum

Hello?

Mr. Bialystock?

Anybody here?

Mr. Bialystock?

Who are you?
What are you doing here?

What do you want?

Speak to me, dummy. Speak!

Why don't you speak?

Scared. Can't talk.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Calm down. Get ahold
of yourself. Come with me.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, right this way.
Watch your step.

Look, just

Take a deep breath.

Let it out slowly.

Who are you?
I am Leopold Bloom.

I'm an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall & Marks

and I've come to do your books.
Oh, you have, huh? Well, listen

Who is it?
Hold MeTouch Me.

Hold MeTouch Me.
One of my backers.

Listen, I have to meet
with an important investor.

Do me a big favour,
go to the bathroom.

But I don't have to go.
Try. Try. Think of Niagara Falls.

Be with you in a moment,
my darling.

Hold MeTouch Me.
Where is Hold MeTouch Me?

Kiss MeFeel Me,
Clinch MePinch Me

Lick MeBite Me, Suck Me

Here she is. Hold MeTouch Me.

You know, it worked.
As soon as I pictured Niagara Falls

I didn't have any trouble at all
Back. Back. Don't make a sound.

Coming. Coming.

Hello, gorgeous.

Hold me, touch me.
As soon as I shut the door.

Did you bring the checkie?

Bialy can't produce plays
without checkies.

Here you go.

But first,
can we please play a game?

One dirty little game.

All right, my little sex kitten.

What shall we play?

The Debutante and the Bricklayer?

Oh, no.
No.

How about the Rabbi
and the Contortionist?

You like that one, mama,
keeps you limber.

I know.

Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid
and the Well-Hung Stableboy.

I don't think I have the strength.

Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
All right.

Oh, dear

this milk is so heavy.
I'll never reach the house.

You there, well-hung stableboy.

Won't you please help me?

Of course, my little dairy queen.

First I'll take your milk.

Then I shall take your virginity!

No! No! Never! Never!

Yes. Yes.

Give it to me, well-hung!
Give it to me.

Darling, wait,
I haven't even had coffee yet.

Take it easy. Take it easy.
Oh, my God.

Send me to the moon, you animal.
Send me to the moon.

Yes. Yes, my darling.
Thursday. Come back Thursday.

I'll send you to the moon Thursday.
I may even join you.

But first, the checkie.

Where's the checkie?
Come on, come on, find the checkie.

Here you go.

I made it out, like you told me,
to the title of the play:

Cash.
Yes.

That's a funny name
for a play, Cash.

Yes, so was The Iceman Cometh.

I'll see you Thursday.

Bye.
Bye. Bye.

Yes, yes, yes.

You dirty old buzzard.

May I come out of the bathroom now,
Mr. Bialystock?

Yeah, sure.
I'm terribly sorry I caught you

feeling up the old lady.
Feeling up the old lady.

Thank you, Mr. Tact.

May I take your coat?
Oh, thank you.

So you're an accountant, huh?

Yes, sir. I am, sir.
Then account for yourself!

Why are you looking up little
old ladies' dresses? Bit of a pervert?

I know what you're thinking.

How dare you condemn me
without knowing all the facts.

Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't condemn
Shut up!

I'm having a rhetorical conversation.

Do you know who I used to be?
Well, yes. You're Max Bialystock

the king of Broadway.
No, I'm Max Bialy That's right.

That's right.
And might I say, Mr. Bialystock

And please don't take this
the wrong way

but you're not just a dirty old man.
Thank you.

Oh, you're also
a great Broadway producer.

And there's something about me
you should know.

When I was a kid

I had the good fortune
to be taken to Bialy-Hoos of '42.

Oh, Bialy-Hoos.
Yes.

And I still have the ticket stub.

Oh, look at that.
Yeah.

And ever since,
I've had a secret desire

to be a Broadway producer.

A secret desire, huh?

Kid, can I give you some advice?
Yes, sir.

Keep it a secret.
Do the books, please.

Top drawer, to the left.

Oh, my God.

Will you look at that.

That's it, baby!
When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Mr. Bialystock,
may I speak to you a minute?

A minute?
Yes.

Just one minute?
Yes.

Okay.
In glancing at your books

Go! You have 58 seconds left.
I noticed that in the column

You're gonna time it?
Time is money.

I looked at your books and the
columns marked monies received.

And I can't make the figures work out.
Forty-eight seconds. Hurry.

There's a problem with your figures.
Twenty-eight. Running out of time.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
I cannot

Fifteen seconds.
I cannot I can't function.

I cannot function in these conditions.
Five, four, three, two, one.

You're making me
extremely nervous.

What is that, a handkerchief?

What? This? No, it's nothing.
It's nothing.

Well, if it's nothing,
then why can't I see it?

My blanket. My blue blanket!

Give me back my blue blanket!

Give me my blanket! Give it to me.
Give it to me. Give me the blanket.

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Here, here, here.

Don't panic. Don't panic.
Don't panic.

I

I'm sorry.

It's just that I don't like anyone
touching my blue blanket.

It's not important,
it's a minor compulsion.

I can deal with it if I want to.

But I've had it ever since I was a baby,
and I find it very comforting.

I need to lie down for a minute now.

They come here. They all come here.

How do they find me?

Hey, kid. Hey.

Look at this.

How can I help you?

What's wrong?
You're gonna jump on me.

What?
You're gonna jump on me.

I know you're gonna jump on me
and squash me like a bug.

Oh, God.
Please, don't jump on me!

I'm not gonna jump on you!
I'm not gonna jump on you!

Get ahold of yourself!
Stop it! Stop it!

Stop! Calm down!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me.

What's the matter now?
I'm hysterical. I'm having hysterics.

I can't stop when I get like this.
I can't stop. I'm hysterical.

I can see that.
All right. All right, calm down.

I'm coming, I'm coming.
Take it easy.

I'm wet!

I'm wet.
I'm hysterical and I'm wet!

I'm in pain.

I'm in pain, I'm wet

and I'm still hysterical.

All right, all right. What can I do?
You're getting me hysterical.

Move away, you frighten me.

You're too close.
I frighten you?

Yes, get over there and stop
touching Move over there! Sit down.

I'm sitting, I'm sitting.

You still look angry.

I'm sorry. How's this?

Who's my little accountant?

Who's my little accountant?

Are you my little accountant?
Are you my little accountant?

Are you my little accountant?
I am.

Yes, you are.

Well, thank you for smiling.
That helped a great deal.

Well, you know what they say:

Smile and the world smiles
with you.

This man should be
in a straightjacket.

You feeling better?
Oh, yes, I'm fine now. Thank you.

Good.
May I speak to you?

Yes, Prince Myshkin.
What can we do for you?

Well, this is hardly
the time for levity, Mr. Bialystock.

I've discovered a serious error

in the accounts of your last show,
Funny Boy.

Where? What?
Well, according to the backers list

you raised $100,000.
But your show only cost 98,000.

There's 2000 unaccounted for.

I went to a Turkish bath.
Who cares?

The show was a flop.
Bloom, do me a favour

move a few decimal points around.
You can do it, you're an accountant.

You're part of a noble profession.
The word count is part of your title.

That's cheating.
It's not cheating.

It's charity.

Bloom

you see this stickpin?

This once held a pearl
as big as your eye.

I used to wear handmade
Italian shoes, $500 suits.

And look at me now.

Look at me now!
I'm wearing a cardboard belt.

Bloom, you gotta save me.

I'm reaching out to you.

Don't send me to prison.

Help me.

All right. All right.
Okay, I'll do it.

Really?
Yes, I'll do it.

See, $2000 isn't so much.

I'm sure I can hide it someplace.

After all, the IRS isn't interested
in a show that flopped.

Right. Good thinking.

You figure it out.
I'm gonna take a little nap.

Now, let's see.

Let's see, if we add up
these deductions, we get

Carry the three, divide by four

Amazing.

It's absolutely amazing, but

under the right circumstances

a producer could
make more money with a flop

than he could with a hit.

Yes, it's quite possible. If he were
certain that a show would fail

a man could make a fortune.

Yes?
Yes, what?

What you were saying. Keep talking.
What was I saying?

You were saying that a producer

could make more money
with a flop than a hit.

Well, yes. It's quite possible.

You keep saying that,
but you don't say how.

Well, it's simply a matter
of creative accounting.

Let's assume for a moment
that you are a dishonest man.

Assume away.

All right. When you produced
your last show, Funny Boy

you raised $2000
more than you needed.

But you could've raised a million

put on your $100,000 flop
and kept the rest.

But what if my show was a hit?
Then you would go to jail.

See, rather than 100 percent
of the show

you would've sold
more than 1000 percent.

So if the show's a success,
there's no way to pay off the backers.

Get it?
Got it.

So in order for our scheme to work,
we'd have to find a surefire flop.

Our scheme? What scheme?

What scheme?

Your scheme,
you bloody little genius.

I meant no scheme. I merely posed
a little academic accounting theory.

It was just a thought.
Bloom

worlds are turned
on such thoughts.

Don't you see, Bloom?
Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.

It's so simple.

Step one,
we find the worst play ever written.

Step two,
we hire the worst director in town.

Step three, I raise 2 million dollars.
Two?

Yes, one for me, one for you. There's
a lot of little old ladies out there.

Step four, we hire the worst actors
in New York and open on Broadway.

And before you can say step five,
we close on Broadway

take our 2 million and go to Rio.

Rio? That'd never work.

Oh, ye of little faith.

What did Lewis say to Clark
When everything look ed bleak?

What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing

As they struggled
Toward Everest's peak?

What did Washington say
To his troops

As they crossed the Delaware?

I'm sure you're well aware

What'd they say?

We can do it

We can do it

We can do it
Me and you

We can do it

We can do it

We can make our dreams come true

Everything you've ever wanted

Is just waiting to be had

Beautiful girls
Wearing nothing but pearls

Caressing you, undressing you
And driving you mad

No.

Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute, now.

Hear me out. Just think about it.

Stop!

We can do it
We can do it

This is not the time to shirk

We can do it
You won't rue it

Say goodbye to petty clerk

Hi, producer
Yes, producer

I mean you, sir
Go berserk

We can do it
We can do it

And I know it's gonna work

What do you say, Bloom?

What do I say?

Finally, a chance to be
A Broadway producer

What do I say?

Finally, a chance to mak e
My dreams come true, sir

What do I say?
What do I say?

Here's what I say to you, sir

I can't do it
I can't do it

I can't do it
That's not me

I'm a loser
I'm a coward

I'm a chick en
Don't you see?

When it comes to wooing women

There's a few things that I lack

Beautiful girls
Wearing nothing but pearls

Chasing me, embracing me
I'd have an attack

Why, you miserable, cowardly,
wretched little caterpillar.

Don't you ever wanna become
a butterfly?

Don't you want to spread your wings
and flap your way to glory?

No!

Where to?
Central Park.

Gotta breathe. Gotta breathe.

We can do it
Mr. Bialystock, please stop the song

You've got me wrong
I'll say so long

I'm not as strong a person
As you think

Mr. Bialystock, just take a look
I'm not a crook

Drink champagne, not ginger ale
I'm a schnook, bottom line is I stink

Come on, Leo, can't you see-o?
I can't do it

You see Rio, I see jail

Driver, stop.

Here.

We can do it
I can't do it

We can do it
I can't do it

We can do it
I can't do it

We can do it
I can't do it

We can do it
I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot do it

'Cause I know it's gonna fail

Fail? How could it miss?
All you need is a little courage.

Bloom, you know what you are?
You're like a

You're like a

You're like a fountain waiting
to explode and shoot into the sky!

I'm a fountain?
Yes, you're a fountain!

Don't you realize? There's a lot more
to you than there is to you.

Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made
a terrible error in judgment.

You've mistaken me
for someone with a spine.

I'm going back
to Whitehall & Marks now.

Goodbye forever.
Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute! Bloom.

Think about it. You'll never get a cab
at this hour! Bloom.

Oh, Lord. Dear Lord

I want that money!

Unhappy
Unhappy

Very unhappy

Unhappy
Unhappy

Very, very, very, very, very
Very, very unhappy

Bloom!

Where the hell have you been?

You are six minutes late.
This is an accounting firm

not a country club.
You can't come and go as you please.

Yes, Mr. Marks.
Remember, you're a nobody.

A PA. A public accountant.

And I am a CPA.
A certified public accountant.

A rank a miserable little worm like
yourself could never hope to achieve.

Yes, Mr. Marks.
Thank you for speaking to me.

You're welcome.

What are you gawking at?

You never saw a person
humiliated before?

Now, get back to work. All of you!

Unhappy
Unhappy

Very, very, very, very
Very, very, very unhappy

I spend my life accounting

With figures and such
Unhappy

To what is my life amounting?

It figures, not much
Unhappy

I have a secret desire
Hiding deep in my soul

It sets my heart afire

To see me in this role

I wanna be a producer

With a hit show on Broadway

I wanna be a producer
Lunch at Sardi's every day

I want to be a producer

Sport a top hat and a cane

I wanna be a producer
And drive those chorus girls insane

I wanna be a producer

And sleep until half past 2

I wanna be a producer
And say, You, you, you

Not you.

I wanna be a producer

Wear a tux on opening night

I wanna be a producer

And see my name, Leo Bloom
In lights

He wants to be a producer

Of a great big Broadway smash

He wants to be a producer

Every pock et stuffed with cash

He wants to be a producer

Pinch our cheeks till we cry

Yes.

He wants to be a producer
With a great big casting couch

I wanna be
He wants to be

I wanna be
He wants to be

I wanna be the greatest, grandest

And most fabulous producer
In the world

He's gotta dine
With a duchess and a duk e

I just got to be a producer

Drink champagne until I puk e

Drink champagne till he puk es
I wanna be a producer

Show the world just what I got

I'm gonna put on shows
That will enthral them

Read my name in Winchell's column

I wanna be a producer

'Cause it's everything I'm not
Unhappy

Unhappy

I wanna be a producer
Very, very unhappy

Unhappy
I wanna be a produce

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hold everything.

Hold everything!

What am I doing here?
Mr. Bialystock was right.

There is a lot more to me
than there is to me.

Stop the world, I wanna get on!

What the hell is going on in here?

Do I smell the revolting stench
of self-esteem?

Bloom,
where do you think you're going?

You've already had
your toilet break.

I'm not going into the toilet.
I'm going into show business.

And, Mr. Marks,
I have news for you. I quit!

And you were right about one thing,
you are a CPA.

A certified public asshole!
Hooray!

Here's my visor

my Dixon Ticonderoga
number 2 pencil

and my big finish!

I'm gonna be a producer

He's gonna be a producer

Look out, Broadway
Look out, Broadway

'Cause here I come

Mr. Bialystock. Mr. Bialystock.

I'm back! I'm back.
I've changed my mind.

Boy, you are good.

Who are you talking to?
Never mind, just an old friend.

What happened?
Oh, just this

Just this: When I said that I was
scared that I was gonna go to jail

I didn't realize
that I already was in jail.

I've spent my life counting
other people's money.

People I'm smarter than

better than.

When's Leopold Bloom
gonna get his share?

When's it gonna be Bloom's day?
I want I want

I want everything
I've ever seen in the movies.

And, Leo, you're gonna have it.
Because

We can do it, we can do it
I'm gonna be a producer

Say goodbye to woe and gloom

With your brilliance, my resilience
I'm gonna be a producer

Up together we will zoom
Up together we will zoom

We can do it, we can do it
We can do it, we can do it

Every show I touch I doom

We were fated
We were fated

To be mated
To be mated

We're Bialystock and Bloom
We're Bialystock and Bloom

Oh, Max

Oh, Max, let's give up.
I can't read anymore.

How many plays can a person read?
Stop complaining.

We have to find the worst play
ever written.

I've been reading all night.
Who cares?

You wanna be a producer, read,
read. Keep reading.

Here's one.

Act I, scene one.

Gregor Samsa awoke one morning
to discover

that he had been transformed
into a giant cockroach.

No, too good.

But how could you see me?
The glass was frosted.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I've read this before.

I think I've read this one before.
What's it called? What's it called?

The Frosted Glass.

Max, I'm reading plays
that I read last night, Max.

I can't go on anymore.
It's too much.

Let's face it, we'll never find it.

We'll never find it.
We'll never find it.

We'll never find it.
We'll never find it.

Leo. Leo. See it? Smell it.

Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it.

It's the mother lode.

What is it? You found a flop?
A flop.

That's putting it mildly.

This is a catastrophe.

A disaster certain to offend peoples
of all races, creeds and religions.

A guaranteedto-closein-onenight
beauty.

Well, let's see it.
Here.

Springtime for Hitler

a gay romp with Eva and Adolf
at Berchtesgaden.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God is right.

It's practically a love letter to Hitler.

Max, this won't run a week.
A week? Are you kidding?

This play has got to close
on page four.

What's the author's name again?

Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street,
New York, New York.

Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street.

Let's go. We'll get the Broadway
rights to Springtime for Hitler

even if we have to go so far
as to pay him.

Come on.
This other hat, Max

may I wear it?

No, you may not.
Why?

Because that
is a Broadway producer's hat.

You don't get to wear
a Broadway producer's hat, son

until you're a Broadway producer.

And you're not
a Broadway producer until

I know, I know. Until I've produced
a show on Broadway.

But I'm going to wear that hat,
and soon too, because

We're gonna be the producers

Of a great big Broadway flop

Ja, ja, my Lieblings.

Let me grab you here.

We have work to do.

Hilda, my darling. Here, I have
written an important message

which must reach
Ernst Schlongdorf.

29 West Santiago Boulevard

Buenos Aires, Argentina.

AQAP.

As quick as possible.

Good.

Fly, Hilda. Fly!

Hilda, where are you going?

Argentina's that way!

Okay, chow time.

Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Goes right into your belly.

It's just a hunch,
but I'm betting this is our man.

Max, he's wearing a German helmet
and lederhosen.

Yeah, I know. Don't notice them.
Don't notice anything.

Always look straight ahead.
Remember, we need that play.

Franz Liebkind?

I was never a member
of the Nazi Party!

I only followed orders.

I had nothing to do with the war.

I didn't even know
there was a war on.

We lived in the back

right across from Switzerland.

All we ever heard was yodelling.

Who are you?!
Relax.

Mr. Liebkind,
we're not from the government.

We're producers,
Bialystock and Bloom

here to talk to you about your play.
My play?

You mean Springtime for

you-know-who?
That's the one.

What about it?
We love it. Don't we love it?

We think it's a masterpiece.
We want to put it on Broadway.

Broadway! Oh, joy of joys.

Dream of dreams. I can't believe it.

I must tell my birds.
Tell your birds.

Otto, Bertha, Heinz,
Heidi, Wolfgang

Adolf.

Do you hear?

We are finally going to clear
the Führer's name.

Broadway!

You know,
not many people know this

but the Führer was a terrific dancer.
Really?

We didn't know that, did we, Leo?
No, no, we sure didn't.

That's because you were taken in
by the BBC!

Filthy British lies!

But did they ever say a bad word
about Winston Churchill?

Churchill!

With his cigars, with his brandy
and his rotten paintings.

Rotten!

Hitler.

There was a painter.

He could paint an entire apartment
in one afternoon.

Two coats.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, of course he could,
Mr. Liebkind.

And that is exactly why
we wanna produce your play.

Show the world the true Hitler.
The Hitler you loved

the Hitler you knew,
the Hitler with a song in his heart.

Here, Franz Liebkind.
Sign here

and make your dream a reality.

No.
That's what nein means.

First you must prove to me
that you believe as I believe

by joining with me and singing and
dancing the Führer's favourite tune:

Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop.

I know.

Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop?
Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop.

No. I could never sing
the Führer's favourite

Delighted. Delighted.

song.
Shut up, he's almost ready to sign.

All right. First you will roll up
your pants.

Rolling?
Rolling.

Don't be stingy. Show some leg.
Alrighty.

Good.
Good.

Key of E?
Is there any other?

Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop

Ach, du lieber
Und oh, boy

Guten Tag clap clap
Guten Tag slap slap

Ach, du lieber
What a joy

Oh, wir essen und fressen
Und tanzen und trink en

Tanzen und trink en
Until we get stinkin'

Everybody!
Guten Tag hop hop

Guten Tag clop clop

Guten Tag
Mein lieber Schatz

So we hop our hops
Und we clop our clops

Und we drink our Schnaps
Till we platz

You will sway?

We will sway.

Follow me.

Very good.

Whatever you say.

This is a tricky one

Oh, the Hop-Clop.
It's been so long!

Sort of a Nazi hoedown.

Gentlemen, you may
produce my play.

Excellent. Excellent.

Here we are. Here.

But only if you take
the Siegfried Oath.

The Siegfried Oath?
What's that?

A pledge of eternal allegiance
to our beloved Führer.

Never

took that oath before.

One for me, one for you,
und one for you.

Never Had one of those on before.
Thanks very much.

You're welcome.
Nice colours.

Oh, look, reversible.

Oh, yeah, you're right.
Max.

Max, we never
should have started this.

I think we're getting in too deep.

Too deep? This is nothing.

I'll tell you when
we're getting in too deep.

All right.

First, you will raise
your right forefinger

und repeat after me.

I solemnly swear

I solemnly swear
I solemnly swear

to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.

to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.
to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.

Und
Und

Und

never, never, never

never, never, never
never, never, never

dishonour the spirit und the memory
of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

dishonour the spirit und the
dishonour the spirit und the

Elizabeth?
Elizabeth?

Ja, that was his middle name.

Not many people know this

but the Führer was descended
from a long line of English queens.

Is that right?

Yes.

Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

Good. Now I sign your contract.
Excellent! Excellent.

Here we are, sir.
Right here on the dotted line.

There you are.
You shall never regret this.

So thank you, Herr Liebkind.
Alrighty, then.

Thank you.

Let it go. Let it go.

Halt!

I forgot to tell you.

The penalty for breaking
the Siegfried Oath

is dess.

Dess?

Is that anything like death?

Yeth.

Sorry to hear that. Don't worry

we'll iron out all these
thorny details over strudel.

Ta-ta, big guy. Here we go

We're trapped! Trapped!

Got it.

Let's have lunch.

What nice guys.

Broadway.

I haven't been so happy
since we crushed Poland.

Hello, the living room of
renowned theatrical director

Roger DeBris' elegant
Upper East Side townhouse

on a sunny Tuesday
afternoon in June.

Who may I say is calling?

Listen, you brokendown
old queen

he was drunk, he was hot,
you got lucky.

Don't ever call here again.
Who was that?

Wrong number.

Yes?

Well, hi there.

I'm Max Bialystock and this
is my associate, Mr. Bloom.

We have an appointment
with renowned theatrical director

Roger DeBris.
Ah, yes. Yes, please come in.

Please. Yes.
Thank you.

I am Carmen Ghia

Mr. DeBris'
common-law assistant.

You are expected.

May I take your hat, your coat
and your swastikas?

Oh, these. We We

We just came from this big rally.
Everybody was wearing them.

You didn't tell me we had those on?
I didn't notice them.

You told me to look straight ahead.
Yes, all right. Let's not fight. Okay?

Oh, Roger.

We're not alone.

Here's Roger.

Max, he's wearing a dress.
No kidding.

Roger, good to see you again.

Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom,
I presume?

Forgive the pun.

What pun?
Shut up. He thinks he's witty.

Roger, may I say you look gorgeous.
Absolutely gorgeous.

By the way, Max, darling,
we loved Funny Boy, didn't we?

Worshipped it.

To be or not to be
You mean a lot to me

Showstopper!
Fabulous.

Oh, dear. Your Mr. Bloom
is staring at my gown.

Well, I was
I should explain.

I'm going to the Choreographers' Ball.
There is a prize for best costume.

We always win.
I'm not so sure about this year.

I'm supposed to be
the Grand Duchess Anastasia

but I think I look more like
the Chrysler Building.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, without
your wig on, you're only half dressed.

Well, then,
why don't you go and get it

oh, Wicked Witch of the West.

If your intention

was to shoot an arrow
through my heart

bull'seye!

Oh, Roger, let's face it,
that building is you.

Listen, I know we sent it to you
only this morning

but did you read
Springtime for Hitler?

Read it? I devoured it.

And I find it remarkable.
Remarkable!

I feel it is a very important piece,
drenched with historical goodies.

I, for one, for instance,
never realized that the Third Reich

meant Germany.

Yeah, how about that.
Then you'll do it?

Do it? Of course not. It's not my
kind of thing. I mean, Max, please.

World War II?
Too dark, too depressing.

The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed

It's hard to sell a tick et on Broadway

Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty

Shows should be more

What's the word?

Gay?
Exactly.

No matter what you do on the stage

Keep it light, k eep it bright
Keep it gay

Whether it's murder
Mayhem or rage

Don't complain, it's a pain
Keep it gay

People want laughter
When they see a show

The last thing they're after is
A litany of woe

A happy ending
Will pep up your play

Oedipus won't bomb

If he winds up with Mom

Keep it gay
Keep it gay

Keep it gay
Keep it gay

Couldn't agree more.

And you have our blessings,
Roger

to make Springtime for Hitler just
as gay as anyone could possibly want.

So come on, do it for us. Please.

I'm sorry, Max.
It's simply not my cup of tea.

Still, fair is fair.

I should ask my production team
what they think.

Your production team,
who are they?

You'll see. They all live here.

Guys! Come say hello
to Bialystock and Bloom!

This is my set designer, Brian.

Hello.

Keep it mad, k eep it glad
Keep it gay

Here's my costume designer, Kevin.
Hello.

Keep it happy, k eep it snappy
Keep it gay

We're clever, creative
It's our job to see

That everything's perfect
For Mr. DeBris

Scott, my choreographer.

Hi there.

And, finally, last and least

my lighting designer,
Shirley Markowitz.

Keep it gay
Keep it gay

Keep it gay

Now, they all just read Springtime.
What did you think of it, fellas?

It needs glamour
And glitz

It needs sequins
And tits

Leo. Leo, I think we're losing them.

Go say something nice to Roger.
I think he likes you.

But, Max
Go on. It's just show biz.

Mr. DeBris. Roger.

Roger, actually,
I think your gown is very stunning.

Why, thank you, Mr. Bloom.

Leo.

What is that enchanting
cologne you're wearing?

Me? I'm not wearing any cologne.

You mean that smell is you?

Oh, God.

If I could bottle you, I'd shove you
under my armpits every day.

Oh, Max.
Max, we never should've started this.

I think we're getting in too deep.
Too deep? This is nothing.

I'll tell you when
we're getting in too deep.

And so the rule is

When mounting a play

Keep it funny
Keep it sunny

Keep it gay

What should we do?
Relax. Watch this.

Roger, l

I think that Springtime for Hitler would
be a marvellous opportunity for you.

I mean, up to now,
you've always been associated with

Dare I say it? frivolous musicals.

You're right.
I've often felt as though

l've been throwing my life away
on silly entertainments.

Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns.

Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn,
kick, turn.

Roger.
It's enough to make you heave.

Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max, I just
couldn't do Springtime for Hitler.

Why not? Think of the respect.
No.

Think of the prestige.
No, no, no.

Think of the Tony!

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony

What's the matter?
Is he all right?

He's having a stroke.
What?

Of genius!
I see it at last.

The chance
to do something important.

Roger DeBris presents
History

Of course that second act
has to be rewritten.

They're losing the war? Excuse me,
that's too downbeat.

Roger DeBris presents
History

But maybe

It's a wild idea,
but it just might work.

I

See

A line

Of beautiful girls

Dressed as storm troopers
Each one a gem

With leather boots
And whips on their hips

It's risqué, dare I say, S & M
Love it!

I see German soldiers
Dancing through France

Played by chorus boys
In very tight pants

And wait, there's more

They'll win the war

And the dances they do
Will be daring and new

Turn, turn, kick, turn.
One, two, three, kick, turn.

Keep it sassy, k eep it classy
Keep it

That is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!

I speak for Mr. Bloom
and myself, Roger

when I say you are the only man
in the world

who could do justice to
Springtime for Hitler.

Will you do it, please?
Please.

Wait a minute.
This is a very big decision.

It might affect the course of my life.

I shall have to think about it.
I'll do it.

I'll do it

Sabu, champagne!

If at the end
You want them to cheer

Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay

Whether it's Hamlet, Othello
Or Lear

Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay

Comedy's joyous
A constant delight

Dramas annoy us
And ruin our night

So k eep your Strindbergs
And Ibsens at bay

I'll sign
Sign

Sign
Sign

Sign
Sign

Sign!

Roger Elizabeth DeBris.

Keep it gay

Conga!
Everybody!

And so the rule is

When mounting a play
Keep it gay

Keep it gay

Stop it.

Keep it gay

Exclusive Broadway rights
to the worst show ever written

and a signed contract
with the worst director who ever lived.

We're in business.

And what a business.

In the same day,
I'm taking the Siegfried Oath

and dancing the conga
with a cop, a sailor

and an extremely friendly
Cherokee Indian.

Yeah. Oh, well.

It's not easy
being a Broadway producer.

But together we'll make it.
Partners, Leo. Partners all the way

and nothing or no one
will ever come between us.

Nothing or no one, Max.

Come in.
Come in.

Bialystock and Bloom?

What?
Oh, excuse me.

Swedish.

Casting today?

Cahstink? Cahstink?
Cahstink?

Casting!
Casting.

No, no, no, miss.
We're not casting yet.

We don't even know when
we're beginning rehearsals

Yes, we just started
casting today. Yes.

We're casting?
Yes. Yes, we're casting.

If you don't mind,
just once in my life

l'd like to see somebody
on that couch who's under 85.

What's your name, my dear?

My name is Ulla Inga

Hansen Benson Yonsen
TallenHallen Svaden Svanson.

Wait. Wait.
What's your first name?

That was my first name.

You wanna hear my last name?

We don't have the time.
We'll just call you Ulla.

Okay? Yeah. What do you do, Ulla?

Ulla sing and dance.
Oh, yeah?

You want Ulla make audition?
Oh, no, miss.

That won't be nece
Yes, it is nece.

Extremely nece.

Please. Please make audition.
Make audition all over the office.

What are you going to sing?
Well

yesterday when I was stepping out
of a big, white Rolls-Royce limo

a crazy man
yelled something out the window

that inspired me to write this song.

When you got it

Flaunt it

Step right up and strut your stuff

People tell you modesty's a virtue

But in the theatre
Modesty can hurt you

When you got it

Flaunt it

Show your assets
Let 'em know you're proud

Your goodies you must push

Stick your chest out
Shake your tush

When you got it
Shout it out loud

Now Ulla dance.

When you got it

Show it

Put your hidden treasures
On display

Violinists love to play an E string

But audiences really love a G-string

When you got it

Shout it

Let the whole world hear
What you're about

Clothes may make the man
All a girl needs is a tan

When you got it
Let it hang out

Remember when Ulla dance?
Yeah.

Ulla dance again.

Ulla dance again!

When I was just a little girl
In Sweden

My thoughtful mother
Gave me this advice

If nature blesses you
From top to bottom

Show that top to bottom
Don't think twice

Now Ulla belt.

Don't think twice!

When you got it

Share it

Let the public feast
Upon your charms

People say that being prim
Is proper

But every showgirl knows
That prim will stop her

When you got it

Give it

Don't be selfish
Give it all away

Don't be shy
Be bold and cute

Show the boys your birthday suit

When you got it

If you got it

Once you got it

Shout out

Hooray!

Okeydokey.

You like it?

Like Like it?

I want you to know, my dear,
that even though we're sitting down

we're giving you
a standing ovation.

She's in the show.

Wait, Max. Max, we don't even know
if there's a part for her in the show.

Would you excuse us, my dear?

Nonsense, Bloom.

Bloom,
do I have to teach you everything?

There is always a part
for the producer's girlfriend.

But we don't even know
when we're starting rehearsal yet.

So what? So what?
We're producers, aren't we?

So until she goes into the show,
she can work for us here.

Because we need
Nay, deserve to have ourselves a

Deserve to have ourselves a gorgeous
Swedish secretary/receptionist.

But, Max, a secretary who doesn't
speak English? What will people say?

They'll say:

Offer her the job, please?

Just a moment, miss.

We might have a position for you.

As a matter of fact, we might
have several positions for you.

Until the show gets going

we can offer you a job here
as a secretary/receptionist.

Secretary/receptionist?

Okey/dokey!

I can do that.

Answer telephone.

Bialystock and Bloom.

Bialystock and Bloom.

Smart as a whip.

You're hired!

Well Well, all right. If he says so,
I don't have a

Secretary/receptionist.

And maybe you can tidy up
around here a little bit too.

Tidy up? Tidy up.

Such a funny word.
What means tidy up?

You know, clean.
Make look nice.

Oh, yeah. Ulla can make tidy up.
Very good.

What time can you be here
in the morning?

Well, Ulla wake up every morning,
5 a.m.

From 5 to 7, Ulla like to exercise.

From to 7 to 8,
Ulla like to take long shower.

From to 8 to 9, Ulla like
to have big Swedish breakfast.

Many different herrings.

From to 9 to 11, Ulla like to practice
her singing and her dancing.

And at 11, Ulla like to have sex.

What time should I get here?

Eleven.
Eleven.

Good. Ulla will come at 11.

Ulla will come at 11.

God bless America!

God bless Sweden.

Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic.

The most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.

I've never felt this way before.

It's like a volcano erupting
inside of me

like hot lava rising higher
and higher and

What is that, Max?

What is it?

It's called an erection.
It's either that or malaria.

But don't worry,
they have shots for everything now.

Come here,
I want to show you something.

What do you see?
Nothing.

Exactly. But now that we've got
our surefire flop

it's gonna be our job
to fill that safe with 2 million dollars.

Two million?
Gee, how much do we put in?

How much?
How much do we put in?

Bloom

the two cardinal rules
of being a Broadway producer

are one, never put
your own money in the show.

And two?

Never put your own money
in the show!

Get it?
Got it.

Good.
So how do we raise the money?

How? I'll tell you how.

From my investors.

Hundreds of little old ladies

all looking to Max Bialystock for one
last thrill on their way to the cemetery.

So in the days to come, Bloom,
you shall see very little of me.

And right now,
I'd like to see very little of you.

Scram while I get myself ready.

For Max Bialystock
is about to launch himself

into littleold-lady land.

The time has come

To be a lover from the Argentine

To slick my hair down
With brilliantine

And gargle heavily
With Listerine

It's time for Max

To put his back ers on their backs

And thrill them with amazing acts

Those aging nymphomaniacs

They were helpless
They were hopeless

Then along came Bialy

They were joyless
They were boy-less

Then along came Bialy

They're my angels
I'm their devil

And I k eep those embers aglow

When I woos 'em
I can't lose 'em

'Cause I cast my spell
And they start yellin'

Fire down below!

So romantic
They were frantic

Then their prayers were heard
Up above

Heaven sent them

Their Bialy

I'm the celebration of love

Who is it? Who is it?

It's Max Bialystock.

Maxy.

Fire down below!

We were listing
We were sinking

Then along came Bialy

We were desperate
We were drinking

Then along came Bialy
Who's your daddy?

So romantic
We were frantic

Then our prayers were heard
Up above

It's Bialy

Hey, Bialy

He's the culmination

The restoration

The consummation

The titillation

Ejaculation

He's the celebration of love

Thank you.

Bloom! Bloom!

What, Max? What?

I've done it. I've done it,
I've raised the 2 million.

Now all we have to do is put on
the biggest flop in history.

That's great!

We can't miss

I gotta make the next payment
on the theatre by 3:00 or else

Sorry, wrong office.

Bialystock. Bloom.

Max. Leo.

Ulla?
Ulla?

What happened to the office?

Like you tell Ulla, tidy up.

Tidy oop?

How did you find the time
to do all this?

I skip lunch.
Of course you did.

Very nice.
She skipped lunch.

Almost 3.
That payment to the Shuberts.

I'll get the cash from the safe.

You make sure
all those contracts are signed.

Yes, Max.

She painted over the numbers.

Hello, boys.

Nobody knows
what I went through to get you.

Ulla knows.

You had to shtupp
every little old lady in New York.

That's right. That's right.

And I've still got
the denture bites to prove it.

Work, work, work. Work, work, work.

So, Mr. Bloom.

We are all alone.

Yes, we are, aren't we?

Why Bloom go so far camera right?

Bloom no like Ulla?

Ulla like Bloom.

Bloom like Ulla, all right.

Maybe a little too much.
Good.

I'm glad.

Why Bloom need blue blanket?

Oh, it's not important.

It's just a minor compulsion.
It's that I've

I've had it ever since
I was a baby, and I

You're a little too close.

The urge to merge
Can rob us of our senses

The need to breed
Can make a man a drone

We must be on alert
With our defences

For every skirt will test

Testosterone

So knowing this
I severed all connection

With any creature
Sporting silk or lace

I was firmly headed
In the right direction

When suddenly I stumbled on

That face

That face
That face

That dangerous face

I mustn't be unwise

Those lips
That nose

Those eyes

Could lead to my demise

That face
That face

That marvellous face

I never should begin

Those cheeks
That neck

That chin

Will surely do me in

I must be smart
And hide my heart

If she's within a mile

If I don't duck
I'm out of luck

She'd kill me with her smile

That face
That face

That fabulous face

It's clear I must beware

I'm certain if I fall in love

I'm lost without a trace

But it's worth it

For that face

Bloom help Ulla down?

All right. Bloom help Ulla down.

That face

That face

That lovable face

It melts my Swedish heart

I'm certain if I fall in love

I'm lost without a trace

But it's worth it

For that face

Again! Arabesque, prepare

pirouette and twirl.

And goose step, goose step

waltz-clog and kick. Again!

Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette and twirl.

And goose step, goose step,
waltz-clog and kick! Again!

Arabesque, prepare, pirouette!

Halt!
Halt.

Halt!
Halt!

This is bedlam! Bedlam!
This is bedlam! Bedlam!

Shut up!

We must have some order here.

Will all the dancing Hitlers
please wait off-stage right

and all the singing Hitlers
off-stage left.

Get that way.

Carmen,
call in a singing Hitler, please.

Yes, darling Roger.

Jacques LaPidus.

Jacques LaPidus.

Jack Lapidus.

Well, Jack, what are you
going to sing for us?

I would like to sing
A Wandering Minstrel I.

If you must.

A wandering minstrel I

A thing of shreds and

Thank you!
Patches

Next, please.

Donald Dinsmore.

Well, Donald, if we

Well, Donald, l

Hi, how are you?
That's all right, Donald.

Hello. Yes.

Now, what are you
going to sing for us, friend?

I'd like to sing
The Little Wooden Boy.

Thank you.

Next!

Jason Green.

Well, Jason,
what have you been up to lately?

For the last 16 years, I have been
touring in No No Nietzsche.

You played Nietzsche?
No, no.

What are you gonna sing for us?

Have You Ever Heard
the German Band?

No.
That is the name of the song

I am going to sing.

Play it, please.

Speed it up.

Haben Sie gehört
Das deutsche Band?

Mit a bang

Mit a boom

Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom

Oh, haben Sie gehört

Halt! Halt!

Halt! No, no, no.

This man could never play
Adolf Hitler.

The Führer wasn't
a mousy little mama's boy.

The Führer was butch!

And that is not how you sing

Haben Sie gehört
das deutsche Band?

This is how you sing Haben Sie
gehört das deutsche Band?

B-flat. Two-two time!

Modulate at the bridge!

Haben Sie gehört
Das deutsche Band?

Mit a bang
Mit a boom

Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom

Oh, haben Sie gehört
Das deutsche Band?

Mit a bang
Mit a boom

Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom

Russian folk songs
Und French ooh-la-la

Can't compare
With the German oom-pah-pah

We're saying

Haben Sie gehört
Das deutsche Band?

Mit a zetz
Mit a zap

Mit a zing

Polish polkas
They're stupid und they're rotten

It don't mean a thing
If it ain't got that

Schweigen-reigen-schone-
Schutzen-schmutzen Sauerbraten

Key change!

We're saying

Haben Sie gehört
Das deutsche Band?

Mit a zetz
Mit a zap

Mit a zing

It's the only kind of music

That we Hans und our honeys
Love to sing

That's our Hitler!

Have your tickets ready.
Have your tickets ready.

This way, please.
This way, please.

Take your seats.

Good evening, sir. Nice to see you.

Enjoy the show.
Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Bloom.
Oh, Mr. Bloom.

You look so handsome.
Thank you.

Leo!

Leo, who said
you could wear that hat?

Nobody, Max. But I thought now that
I'm the producer of a Broadway show

Has the curtain gone up yet?
No.

Has the curtain come down yet?
No.

Then you're not a producer yet.
Give me that hat.

Mr. Bloom! Leo.

Your tie is all askew.

Askew. Oh, thank you, Ulla.

Have a good show.

Roll them in the aisles.

Okeydokey.

I will try to.

But there's just so many of them.

Gee, I thought we were partners,
sharing everything 50-50.

Now I'm out in the cold, and you two
are busy askewing each other.

Askewing? Never, Max.

Hugs and kisses, yes,
but that's as far as I go.

Gunter, you will pick me up back here
right after the curtain.

Oh, God, will they love us?
Will they hate us?

The suspense is killing me.

I know.
I feel like I'm going into labour.

Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom.
Well, gentlemen, merde.

And I just wanna
wish everybody good luck.

What? What did you say?
Bite your tongue.

Well, what's the matter?
All I said was good luck.

He said it again.
Hasn't anyone ever told you?

It's bad luck to say good luck
On opening night

If you do
I tell you

It is certain by the curtain
You are through

Good luck.

It's bad luck to say good luck
On opening night

Once it's said
You are dead

You will get the worst reviews
You ever read

Good luck.

Even at the Comédie Française

On the opening night
They are scared

Bonne chance, mes amis
No one says

The only word you'll ever hear is
Merde

Good luck, good luck, good luck.

It's verboten
Wishing luck on opening night

Take advice
Don't think twice

Or your show will surely end up
In the Scheiss

At the famous La Scala in Milan

On opening night it's a rule

Al bocca lupo, they say with élan

And just for luck they all shout

Vaffanculo
I got it

Now I'll never say good luck
On opening night

That's the rule
I'm no fool

What do I say, I beg?

What you say is break a leg

Break a leg?
Yeah.

Break a leg.
Break a leg.

If you're clever

Good luck.

You'll endeav our

To never, never, never, never
Ever, ever, ever say

On opening night

Five minutes to curtain.
Curtain going up in five minutes.

I'm late. I must run!

Break a leg!
Break a leg!

Franz, what happened?

I broke my leg.

Now we'll have to cancel the show
and give everyone their money back.

Money back?

Money back?

Money back.

Don't ever say that again.
Money back?

Never.
We gotta think of something else.

But Franz plays Hitler, Max,
and he has no understudy.

You're right. What are we gonna do?
There must be a way out.

If I could only think of something.
Some way. Some

Hold it. I got it.
Roger, you. You could play Hitler.

You know every line in the show.

I've seen you at rehearsal, always
moving your lips along with the actors.

It's an embarrassing habit.
I'm trying to break myself of it.

But me play Hitler? No!
There's no way I could go on tonight.

I don't have the strength.
I don't have the courage.

I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it!

Wow, that hurt.
Roger.

Listen to me.

You can do it.

You know you can do it,
and I know you can do it.

You've been waiting all your lifetime
for this chance.

And I'm not gonna let you
pass it up.

You're going out there a silly,
hysterical, screaming queen.

But you're coming back
a great big

passing-for-straight
Broadway star.

All right. You're right.

I'll do it! By God, I'll do it!

I've got to get into makeup.
Quick, get Franz's Hitler moustache.

And, oh! My lucky
Gloria Swanson mole.

Got it!

Leo, the overture.

Let's go.

Max.
What?

This is it!

Good luck, Leo.
Good luck, Max.

Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story

Needed a new leader
To restore its former glory

Where, oh, where was he?

Where could that man be?

We look ed around

And then we found

The man for you and me

And now it's

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

Deutschland is happy and gay

We're marching to a faster pace

Look out
Here comes the master race

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

Rhineland's a fine land once more

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

Watch out, Europe

We're going on tour

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

Look, it's springtime

Winter for Poland and France

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

Springtime
Springtime

Springtime
Springtime

Springtime
Springtime

Springtime

Come on, Germans

Go into your dance

I was born in Düsseldorf
And that is why they call me Rolf

Don't be stupid, be a smarty
Come and join the Nazi Party

Well, I never!
Talk about bad taste.

Come on, let's get out of here
before they kill us.

The Führer is coming

The Führer is coming

The Führer is coming

Heil Hitler
Heil Hitler

Heil Hitler

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

Heil Hitler

Heil myself

Heil to me

I'm the Kraut who's out

To change our history

Heil myself
Raise your hand

There's no greater dictator
In the land

Everything I do, I do for you
Yes, you do

If you're looking for a war
Here's World War II

Heil myself
Raise your beer

Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
Stand and cheer

Hooray

Heil myself

Heil myself

Every hotsy-totsy Nazi

Stand and cheer

He's so cute
Let's give a salute and heil

Heil myself

I love you.

I was just a paperhanger

No one more obscurer

Got a phone call from the Reichstag

Told me I was Führer

Germany was blue

Oh, what, oh, what to do?

Hitched up my pants

And conquered France

Now Deutschland's smiling through

Oh, it ain't no mystery

If it's politics or history

The thing you gotta know is

Everything is show biz

Heil myself

Watch my show

I'm the German Ethel Merman
Don't you know?

We are crossing borders

The New World Order is here

Make a great big smile

Everyone Sieg Heil to me

Wonderful me

And now it's springtime

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

Goose step
Goose step's the new step today

Bombs falling from the skies again

Deutschland is on the rise again

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

Uboats are sailing once more

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

Means that
Soon we'll be going

We've got to be going
You know we'll be going

You bet we'll be going

You know we'll be going

To war

Roger!

A satiric masterpiece.

No way out.

A surprise smash.

No way out.

It was shocking,
outrageous, insulting

and I loved every minute of it.

No way out!

How could this happen?

We picked the wrong play,
the wrong director, the wrong cast.

Where did we go right?

Congratulations.

What are you doing?
I'm taking these books

and I'm leaving.

Don't try and stop me.
I've made up my mind.

Wait. Where do you think
you're going?

I'm turning myself in.
It's the only way.

I'm going to play ball with the IRS.

I'm going to cooperate
with the authorities.

They'll reduce my sentence,
there's time off for good behaviour.

Maybe I'll get a job
in the prison library.

Please keep in touch.
It's been very nice working with you.

Leo. Leo. Leo.

Frightened Leo. Nervous Leo, relax.

Take it easy, all right?

You're overwrought.
You don't know what you're doing.

You're acting out of panic.

Give me those frigging books!
Give me!

Give me! Give me! Give me!
I never should've listened to you.

I was an honest man
before I met you.

An honest man?
You were an honest mouse!

Give me. Give me.
How I hate you!

Double! Double! Double!

Fat! Fat!

I'm not that fat.

Fat!

Fat!

Fatty!

Fatso!
You fat, fat, fatty, fatty, fat walrus.

Give me the fat books!

Never, never!
Fat, fat, fatty, fat!

Oh, Jesus!
Give them to me!

Give me the books!

Congratulations!
Congratulations!

Give it to me! Give it to me!
No! No!

Give it to me! Give it to me!
No! No!

Now, that's what I call celebrating.

You. You lousy fruit.

You ruined me.
You ungrateful breeder.

After he stepped in and saved
your little show, I cannot My chains!

Leave him alone!
My Italian chains! My chains!

You have broken the Siegfried Oath.

You must die. You all must die!

What are you doing,
you neoNazi nitwit?

Your show's a hit.
Who cares?

You made a fool out of Hitler.

He didn't need our help.
He didn't need our help.

Stand still! How can I shoot you
if you keep moving?

Get back here!

Under the desk! Under the desk!

Darling, quick, back in the closet.
Okay.

This is no good.

I'm not killing anybody.

You must cooperate!

All right, Bialystock und Bloom.

Now I got you.

Say your prayers!

Remember I'd tell you
when we're in too deep?

Yeah?
We're in too deep.

Franz, don't do it! Please, I beg you!

Oh, no, no.

You snivelling cowards!

Cringing under a desk?

Clinging to life like baby butterflies.

Franz Liebkind will show you
how to die like a man!

Jammed.
Boy, when things go wrong

That's it. Next time, no author.

What are you shooting
at us for anyway?

You Teutonic twit!

Wait. Wait a minute.

I just got an idea.

A way to close the show.

Franz, l

There, there.
Where? Where?

Franz, listen to me.

Why don't you use this
where it'll do some good.

Why don't you shoot the actors.
The actors?

Yes, the actors.

Everybody laughed at your
beloved Führer tonight, and why?

Because of the actors.
The actors were making fun of him.

Yeah, you're right, the actors!

Yes. Here, go, buy bullets.

Kill. Kill all the actors.
I must kill all the actors.

Wait a minute!

What are you talking about?

What do you mean, kill the actors?
You can't kill the actors.

Actors are not animals.
They're human beings.

They are?
Have you ever eaten with one?

Here. Listen
Open up, it's the police!

The police!
The police!

Come on, boys.

I was never a member
of the Nazi Party. I had nothing

You, drop that gun.

Ociffers!
What's going on here?

This crazy Kraut is crackers!

He crashed in here
and crassly tried to kill us.

Oh, Roger, what alliteration.
Thank you, darling.

Okay, youse two can go.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Tried to kill him, eh?

Officer O'Rourke, take this man in.

Next stop, Sing Sing.

Sing Sing?
You'll never take me alive!

What happened?
I broke my other leg.

All right, who are you,
and why was he trying to shoot you?

I haven't the slightest idea,
Sergeant O'Toole.

The name is O'Bialystock.

I was just passing by on me way
to the Pat O'Brien Film Festival

and I ducked in to see
what the hell was going on.

And now I'll be on me way,
before me voice gets any higher.

As we say in the old country, Taxi!

Hold it!

Hey, sarge, look at this.

What?
I found these two accounting books.

This one says, Show to the IRS.
And what's the other one say?

Never show to the IRS.

I think the three of you
better come downtown with me.

Three?
Yeah, you and them two books.

Mr. Bialystock?

Mr. Bloom?

Where are you?

Everyone is waiting for you
at the opening-night party.

Ulla, help me.

What happened to you?

I know.

You hung up your coat
while you were still in it.

Thank you for helping me down.

What were you doing up there?

Hiding.

I was hiding.

From who? From what?

From the police.

They were just here.
They've arrested Max.

They found the books?
I don't know what to do.

Poor Max.

Maybe I should turn myself in
and go to jail with him.

Well, my sweet cupcake,
I know we both love Max

but it seems to me
you have two choices.

Number one, you can go to jail
with Mr. Bialystock

for years and years and years.

Or number two

you can take that 2 million dollars
and Ulla, and go to Rio.

Oh, my God, what a dilemma.

Oh, what should I do?

Should I go to jail or go to Rio?

Mail call.

Hey, fatso.

I'm not that fat!

Says you.

You got a postcard.

A postcard? From where?

Brazil.

Brazil.

Who do I know in Brazil?

Why am I asking you?

Dear Max, Rio is everything
you said it was and more.

Ulla and I think of you
every chance we get.

In the morning, when we
have breakfast on our terrace

many different herrings.

In the afternoon, when we rub
each other's sun-drenched bodies

with banana-cream coconut oil,
number 15.

And then, in the evening, when
we samba together in the moonlight.

You'll find your happiness in Rio

The beaches there
Are strewn with pearls

The tropic breezes
Always blow there

And so, we hear
Do the girls

Sorry, must run. Ulla's waiting.

It's almost 11.

Wish you were here.

Your pal, Leo.

Just like Cain and Abel

You pulled a sneak attack

I thought that we were brothers

Then you stabbed me in the back

Betrayed

Oh, boy, I'm so betrayed

Like Samson and Delilah
Your love began to fade

I'm crying in the hoosegow
You're in Rio getting laid

Betrayed

Let's face it, I'm betrayed

Boy, have I been tak en

Oy, I'm so forsak en

I should have seen
What came to pass

I should have known
To watch my ass

I feel like Othello
Everything is lost

Leo is lago

Max is double-crossed

I'm so dismayed

Did I mention I'm betrayed?

Now I'm about to go to jail
There's no one who will pay my bail

I have no one who I can cry to
No one I can say goodbye to

I'm drowning!

I'm drowning!

I'm drowning here!

I'm going down for the last time.

I can see my whole life
flashing before my eyes.

I see a weathered old farmhouse
with a white picket fence.

I'm running through fields
of alfalfa with my collie, Rex.

No, Rex, not on the alfalfa.

And I see my mother.

I see Mama standing
on the back porch

in a worn but clean
gingham gown.

And I hear my mama
calling out to me.

Alvin!

Don't forget your chores.

The wood needs a-cording
and the cows need a-milking.

Alvin! Alvin!

Wait a minute.

My name's not Alvin.

That's not my life.

Somebody else's life
is flashing before my eyes.

What the hell is that about?

I'm not a hillbilly.
I grew up in the Bronx.

Leo's taken everything,
even my past.

My past's a dying ember

But wait, now I remember

How did it begin?
He walk ed into my office

With his cockamamie scheme

You can make more money
With a flop than with a hit

We can do it
We can do it

I can't do it
We can do it

I can't do it
Goodbye, Max

Lord, I want that money
I'm back, Max

Come on, Leo, we can do it

Step one, find the play

See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it
Hello, Mr. Liebkind

Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop

Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?

Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop

Step two, hire the director
Keep it gay, k eep it gay, k eep it

Two, three, kick,
Turn, turn, turn, kick, turn

Ulla

Step three, raise the money

Along came Bialy

Step four, hire all the actors

A wandering minstrel I
A thing of shreds and

Next
The little wooden boy

Next
That's our Hitler

Break a leg
I broke my leg

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

A surprise smash
Springtime for Hitler and Germany

It'll run for years!
Where did we go right?

Where did we go right?

Give me those books
Fat, fat, fatty

Give me those books
Fat, fat, fatty

Books, fat, books, fat
Books, fat, books, fat

Lousy fruit
Kill the actors

You ever eat with one?

Then you ran to Rio
And you're safely out of reach

I'm behind these bars

You're banging Ulla on the beach

Just like Julius Caesar

Was betrayed by Brutus

Who'd think an accountant
Would turn out to be my Judas

I'm so dismayed

Is this how I'm repaid?

To be

Betrayed

Betrayed

Gentlemen of the jury,
have you reached your verdict?

Yes, Your Honour, we have.

We find the defendant

incredibly guilty.

Hold me, touch me.

I'm a little busy.

Does the defendant have
anything to say on his own behalf?

Yes, Your Honour, I do.

I admit, for the last 20 years
I've been a lying, doublecrossing

two-faced, backstabbing,
despicable crook.

But I had no choice.

I was a Broadway producer.

A man without a conscience

and with no one
who gave a damn about him.

And that, Your Honour,
is what hurts the most.

I thought I'd at last
found a loyal partner.

A man I cared about

and who I thought
cared about me.

What breaks my heart is now

when I need him most,
he's deserted me.

I will probably never see
or hear from him ever again.

That's not true!

Order! Order in the court!

And stop that samba!

Who are you?
I am Leopold Bloom

Max Bialystock's partner.

And who are you, my dear?

My name is
Ulla Inga Hansen Benson

Yonsen TallenHallen
Svaden Svanson Bloom.

Bloom?

You're his wife?
Ja, Your Honour.

He wouldn't do it
unless we got married.

What a schmuck.

Now, Mr. Bloom,
why in the world would you

want to come back here
and give yourself up?

Why? To speak on his behalf.

We all know that Max Bialystock
is a lying, doublecrossing

two-faced, slimy,
manipulative, underhanded

Please

don't help me.

Your Honour Your honour,
if I may address the court.

The law was created to protect
people from being wronged.

So whom has
Max Bialystock wronged?

Well, not these dear ladies.
No.

And not me, not

Not me.

I was this nobody.

No one ever called me Leo before.

I mean, Your Honour,
I know it isn't a big legal point

but even when I was in kindergarten
everybody always called me Bloom.

I guess what I'm trying to say
is that even when I was in Rio

and had everything
I'd ever dreamed of

I suddenly realized that

That this man

This man

No one ever made me
Feel like someone

Till him

Life was really nothing
But a glum one

Till him

My existence bordered on the tragic

Always timid
Never took a chance

Then I felt his magic

And my heart began to dance

I was always frightened
Fraught with worry

Till him

I was going nowhere in a hurry

Till him

He filled up my empty life

Filled it to the brim

There could never
Ever be another one

Like him

Leo

Leo

I never realized.

You're a good singer.
Thank you.

No, really, like a professional.
Well, I sang it for you, Max.

I sang it because I'm your friend.

You are?

I've had a lot of relationships

but you couldn't call
any of them friend.

But come to think of it

no one ever, ever really knew me.

Till him

Everyone was always out
To screw me

Till him

Never met a man I ever trusted

Always dealt with shysters
In the past

Now I'm well-adjusted

'Cause I've got a friend at last

Don't help me.

Always playing singles
Never doubles

Till him

Never had a pal
To share my troubles

Till him

He filled up my empty life

Filled it to the brim
Filled it to the brim

There could never ever be

Another one

Like him

Gentlemen, it breaks my heart

to break up
such a beautiful friendship.

So I won't.

Five years in the state penitentiary
at Sing Sing.

Gotta sing, sing

Gotta sing, sing

Oh, you can lock us up

Und lose the k ey

But hearts in love

Are always free

Come on, boys.

Prisoners of love

Blue skies above

'Cause we're still prisoners of love

Congratulations.

You now own 45 percent

of Prisoners of Love. Next!

How much have you sold so far?
Six hundred percent.

Is that all? Keep selling.
Keep selling.

All right, break it up! Break it up!
Quiet! Give me that.

How many times do
I have to tell you guys?

No knife fights in rehearsal.

Hi. What are you in for,
lack of rhythm?

Get in line.
Everybody get in line, right away!

All right, you animals,
let's take it all together!

From the top! Hit it, Franz!

Prisoners of love

Blue skies above

Can't k eep our hearts in jail
Tempo, fellas! Pick up that tempo!

Prisoners of love
That's it.

Our turtledoves
Okay, just the murderers!

Hey, you.

The warden wants to get in
on this thing.

Tell the warden he now owns
100 percent of Prisoners of Love.

Thank you.
Sing out, criminals.

Let them hear you in solitary.

Take it home, boys.

We open in Leavenworth
on Saturday night!

Hey, Bialystock, Bloom, Liebkind,
good news!

This just came from the governor.

Gentlemen, you are hereby
granted a full pardon

for having, through song and dance,
brought joy and laughter

into the hearts of every murderer,
rapist and sex maniac in Sing Sing.

You're free!
Free?

Next stop, Prisoners of Love
on Broadway!

Broadway!
Adolf, you must tell the other birds.

But hearts in love
Are always free

Gotta sing, sing

Sing, sing

Prisoners of love
Blue skies above

Can't k eep our hearts in jail
Can't k eep our hearts in jail

Prisoners of love

Our turtledoves
Soon coming 'round with bail

Tote that bale
Oh, you can lock us up

And lose the k ey

But hearts in love
Are always free

Prisoners of love

Blue skies above

'Cause we're still prisoners

We're still prisoners

We're still prisoners of love

Love, love, love
Love, love, love, love

Love, love, love, love

Love

Leo and Max

Up off our backs

Back on the Great White Way

Leo and Max

Back on our tracks

We're back on top to stay

So when we take your money
Never fear

We'll knock Broadway
Right on its ear

The cast is great
The script is swell

But this we're telling you, sirs

It's just no go
You've got no show

Without the producers

We'll never quit

Hit after hit

The producers
Leo and Max

The overture is over

The curtain starts to rise

You're suddenly in clover

You can't believe your eyes

You're sitting on the aisle

You break into a smile

Why this magic feeling?

And then you realize

That there is

Nothing like a show on Broadway

Nothing like a Broadway show

Hearts will skip a beat on Broadway

If you're feeling blue
I'm telling you

That's the place to go

Movies drag
Their endings sag

TV's just a bore

So hit the street
And move your feet

To the place we all adore

Because there's nothing
Like a show on Broadway

There's nothing
Like a Broadway show

It's often been said
The theatre is dead

The critics repeat it en masse

But the theatre's alive
It's gonna survive

Although it's a pain in the ass

You waited forever
And finally got tick ets

To get to your seat
You gotta cross pick ets

The guy to your right
Is frightfully tight

The guy to your left
Appears to have rick ets

The music's yuck
The lyrics suck

The casting is all wrong

And when you reach the bathroom

The line is five miles long

But still there's nothing
Like a show on Broadway

There's nothing
Like a Broadway show

You swear you'll never go again

It's simply not worthwhile

You make that vow
And then somehow

You're back there on the aisle
You're back there on the aisle

That's why there's

Nothing like a show
On Broadway

There's nothing
Like a Broadway show

Till you're in movies

There's nothing
Like a Broadway show

And though it is expensive
At a hundred bucks a throw

There's nothing

Like a Broadway show!

Don't forget to buy Mein Kampf

in paperback.

Available near you

at Borders books

or Barnes & Noble

und amazon. Com.

Thanks for coming
To see our show

Sad to tell you
We got to go

Grab your hat
And head for the door

In case you didn't notice

There ain't any more

If you like our show
Tell everyone but

If you think it stinks
Keep your big mouth shut

We're glad you came but
We have to shout

Adíos
Au rev oir

Wiedersehen
Ta-ta-ta

Goodbye
Get lost

Get out

It's over.