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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,702
I can't believe you said it.
You can't say stuff like that!
2
00:00:03,702 --> 00:00:05,982
He was hot. He was a hot bouncer.
3
00:00:06,368 --> 00:00:08,508
Niamh, if a hot bouncer found
4
00:00:08,593 --> 00:00:11,631
powder laxatives in your bag,
what would you have said it was?
5
00:00:11,631 --> 00:00:13,031
Not Semtex.
6
00:00:13,031 --> 00:00:14,111
It was a joke!
7
00:00:14,111 --> 00:00:15,511
I don't think Londoners have
8
00:00:15,511 --> 00:00:17,031
a sense of humour about terrorism.
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00:00:17,031 --> 00:00:18,351
Especially when you have
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00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:19,551
a fucking accent like ours.
11
00:00:19,551 --> 00:00:21,191
We're not the terrorists any more.
12
00:00:21,191 --> 00:00:22,551
There's new terrorists now.
13
00:00:22,551 --> 00:00:24,631
Better looking terrorists.
In London now,
14
00:00:24,631 --> 00:00:27,871
people don't automatically associate
the Irish with terrorism.
15
00:00:27,871 --> 00:00:30,551
We're more likely
to be associated with...
16
00:00:30,551 --> 00:00:32,710
What?
17
00:00:32,711 --> 00:00:34,510
Louis Walsh.
18
00:00:34,511 --> 00:00:38,644
Right, we need to finish these,
then go and blow something up!
19
00:00:39,452 --> 00:00:43,252
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
20
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Oh, Jesus, let me die.
21
00:00:50,991 --> 00:00:54,991
Oh, please, Lord, just let me die.
22
00:01:01,271 --> 00:01:05,271
Yes.
23
00:01:15,311 --> 00:01:19,311
Jesus Christ, wise up!
Where the fuck...?
24
00:01:32,911 --> 00:01:35,550
We didn't...
25
00:01:35,551 --> 00:01:39,551
..did we?
26
00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:46,791
What are you doing here?
27
00:01:46,791 --> 00:01:49,990
I know, I'm going to be late
for work.
28
00:01:49,991 --> 00:01:52,150
And it's all your bloody fault.
29
00:01:52,151 --> 00:01:55,231
I mean, how did you get in?
You invited me, Patrick.
30
00:01:55,231 --> 00:01:57,871
No, I didn't. Then why did you
leave the bathroom window open?
31
00:01:57,871 --> 00:02:01,110
No. This isn't happening. Not again.
32
00:02:01,111 --> 00:02:05,111
It's like we can't
keep away from each other.
33
00:02:06,671 --> 00:02:08,711
Why am I tied to the fucking bed?
34
00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:11,671
You know I don't like it
when you swear, Patrick. Untie me.
35
00:02:11,671 --> 00:02:14,791
I've been thinking about
what you said last night.
36
00:02:14,791 --> 00:02:17,311
Steph, look,
I know this is no excuse,
37
00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:18,951
but I was fucker-faced last night.
38
00:02:18,951 --> 00:02:21,631
I thought I saw a dinosaur
on Clapham Common.
39
00:02:21,631 --> 00:02:23,711
So, it doesn't matter what I said.
40
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We can't see each other again.
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00:02:26,151 --> 00:02:27,351
Ever.
42
00:02:27,351 --> 00:02:29,670
Why? It's just not a good idea.
43
00:02:29,671 --> 00:02:33,350
What, with my commitment issues
and your...
44
00:02:33,351 --> 00:02:35,270
..mental health issues.
45
00:02:35,271 --> 00:02:38,151
I think you're right.
A little break would do us good.
46
00:02:38,151 --> 00:02:41,671
Really? Just the two of us.
We could go back to Rome.
47
00:02:41,671 --> 00:02:45,671
We were never in Rome.
48
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We can talk about this later.
49
00:02:53,791 --> 00:02:57,791
Fan-fucking-tastic!
50
00:03:02,791 --> 00:03:06,791
Oh, very good!
51
00:03:34,071 --> 00:03:36,630
So, how was the wedding?
52
00:03:36,631 --> 00:03:38,991
It was piss.
And you were there, Niamh.
53
00:03:38,991 --> 00:03:42,470
Oh, right. What did I make of it?
Not much.
54
00:03:42,471 --> 00:03:45,591
Is it true somebody stole the dress
from the bridal suite?
55
00:03:45,591 --> 00:03:47,270
So I hear.
56
00:03:47,271 --> 00:03:48,910
Mad. Tea?
57
00:03:48,911 --> 00:03:52,830
No, I'm all right. Niamh, listen.
58
00:03:52,831 --> 00:03:54,871
There's a fecking toddler
in my bed.
59
00:03:54,871 --> 00:03:56,911
How did a toddler
end up in your bed?
60
00:03:56,911 --> 00:04:00,470
I dunno. I think I must have
stole it last night.
61
00:04:00,471 --> 00:04:02,190
Oh, no, hold on...
62
00:04:02,191 --> 00:04:03,551
Is he small... and gay?
63
00:04:03,551 --> 00:04:08,151
Gay?! Well, not fully-blown gay. Not
yet. But heading in that direction.
64
00:04:08,151 --> 00:04:10,711
Now that you mention it...
Oh, that'll just be Frankie.
65
00:04:10,711 --> 00:04:12,711
Who's Frankie? The kid I'm minding.
66
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,631
That's a relief, actually, because
I thought I'd left him in Tesco.
67
00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:18,350
Why are you minding a kid?
68
00:04:18,351 --> 00:04:20,991
Because it's my job.
I'm a nanny and nannies mind kids.
69
00:04:20,991 --> 00:04:23,591
You're not a nanny.
I told you about this.
70
00:04:23,591 --> 00:04:25,831
I became a nanny. You never listen.
71
00:04:25,831 --> 00:04:28,111
You can't just become
a nanny overnight!
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00:04:28,111 --> 00:04:30,311
You need qualifications, references.
73
00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:32,111
Well, what am I supposed to do?
74
00:04:32,111 --> 00:04:34,271
Call up his mother and say,
"Uh, sorry,
75
00:04:34,271 --> 00:04:36,991
"I lied. I'm not actually qualified
to look after your child"?
76
00:04:36,991 --> 00:04:39,431
Yeah, that's precisely
what you're supposed to do!
77
00:04:39,431 --> 00:04:41,870
She's paying me £400!
78
00:04:41,871 --> 00:04:45,871
Right... Happy fucking days.
79
00:04:52,431 --> 00:04:56,431
Oh, shit!
80
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Nope.
81
00:05:00,751 --> 00:05:04,751
Not a fucking baldies.
82
00:05:10,551 --> 00:05:13,390
All right...
83
00:05:13,391 --> 00:05:14,910
Fuck me!
84
00:05:14,911 --> 00:05:16,911
That was some night, wasn't it?
85
00:05:16,911 --> 00:05:20,150
You want to get
a Berocca into you, mate.
86
00:05:20,151 --> 00:05:23,270
You look like shite.
87
00:05:23,271 --> 00:05:27,271
Sorry, I'm Conor.
88
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:31,631
Well, you're quite the little cunt,
aren't you?
89
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:46,951
Is that dwarf autistic
or what's its craic?
90
00:05:46,951 --> 00:05:49,150
It's a child, Packy.
91
00:05:49,151 --> 00:05:51,991
Although it does have
a massive head, in fairness.
92
00:05:51,991 --> 00:05:54,470
Listen, what constitutes rape?
93
00:05:54,471 --> 00:05:56,751
What do you mean?
What are the rules?
94
00:05:56,751 --> 00:05:58,551
Broadly speaking, if you ride someone
95
00:05:58,551 --> 00:06:00,831
and they don't want ridden,
you've raped them.
96
00:06:00,831 --> 00:06:04,431
You better not have raped me
last night, Packy, I'm serious!
97
00:06:04,431 --> 00:06:07,311
Of course I didn't rape you!
I didn't rape anybody.
98
00:06:07,311 --> 00:06:09,270
Steph raped me.
99
00:06:09,271 --> 00:06:11,070
You stupid bastard!
100
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,711
I warned you about
leaving that bathroom window open.
101
00:06:13,711 --> 00:06:16,071
But would you listen?
Now look what's happened -
102
00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:17,911
you've gone and got yourself raped.
103
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:19,311
All right, don't start.
104
00:06:19,311 --> 00:06:22,431
I am sick of you letting strays in.
Having Conor here's bad enough!
105
00:06:22,431 --> 00:06:25,431
Oh, here we fucking go! I want him
out today, Packy. I mean it.
106
00:06:25,431 --> 00:06:28,271
His landlady's kicked him out!
I don't want him staying here.
107
00:06:28,271 --> 00:06:30,111
It'll be a few weeks at most.
108
00:06:30,111 --> 00:06:32,751
I don't feel comfortable around him.
He's creepy.
109
00:06:32,751 --> 00:06:36,951
Do you not think he's creepy?
I get a really creepy vibe off him.
110
00:06:36,951 --> 00:06:40,751
He's your brother, Bronagh!
I'm not living with the fella, OK?
111
00:06:40,751 --> 00:06:43,591
He's a fucking dickhead.
Who's a fucking dickhead?
112
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You are, Conor.
You're a fucking dickhead.
113
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Oh, right, grand.
114
00:06:46,911 --> 00:06:48,471
Christ, I am in ribbons!
115
00:06:48,471 --> 00:06:51,030
Really?
I don't even have a hangover.
116
00:06:51,031 --> 00:06:54,151
You don't get hangovers.
You haven't been sober since 1998,
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00:06:54,151 --> 00:06:56,630
you giant fucking ballbag!
118
00:06:56,631 --> 00:06:58,670
Could everybody just not...?
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00:06:58,671 --> 00:07:01,311
My head's banging
and I've been raped, so...
120
00:07:01,311 --> 00:07:02,811
Raped, were you?
121
00:07:04,271 --> 00:07:06,710
All right?
122
00:07:06,711 --> 00:07:09,910
How's it going?
123
00:07:09,911 --> 00:07:10,951
Yeah.
124
00:07:10,951 --> 00:07:12,790
No problem.
125
00:07:12,791 --> 00:07:15,790
I'll let them know.
126
00:07:15,791 --> 00:07:17,310
Who's that? Dermot.
127
00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:20,991
Oh, absolute fucking ballbag.
That fucking wanker. Prick.
128
00:07:20,991 --> 00:07:23,471
If there's one prick I cannot stand,
it's Dermot.
129
00:07:23,471 --> 00:07:25,831
The fella is an absolute
fucking dose.
130
00:07:25,831 --> 00:07:27,991
I mean, the state of him last night!
131
00:07:27,991 --> 00:07:30,991
Did you see him jumping about the
dance floor like a burning spastic?
132
00:07:30,991 --> 00:07:33,591
I know. And then parading Ciara
in front of me!
133
00:07:33,591 --> 00:07:35,831
Hands all over her.
As if I'm still bothered.
134
00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:37,871
You are still bothered,
though, Packy. I'm not.
135
00:07:37,871 --> 00:07:41,191
You love Ciara. I just don't know
what she's doing with him!
136
00:07:41,191 --> 00:07:43,951
Well, he's really good looking.
He's not REALLY good looking.
137
00:07:43,951 --> 00:07:46,591
Well, he is very attractive.
He's not VERY attractive.
138
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:49,991
But he's still a cock.
I hate the bastard, I really do.
139
00:07:49,991 --> 00:07:52,151
What did he have to
say for himself anyway?
140
00:07:52,151 --> 00:07:55,550
Not much. He's dead.
141
00:07:55,551 --> 00:07:58,150
Gone, just like that.
142
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His whole life still ahead of him.
143
00:08:00,591 --> 00:08:02,550
It's so awful.
144
00:08:02,551 --> 00:08:04,990
It's tragic!
145
00:08:04,991 --> 00:08:07,351
He was a cunt. You said so yourself.
146
00:08:07,351 --> 00:08:08,910
Bronagh, it's sad.
147
00:08:08,911 --> 00:08:10,710
Why's it sad?
148
00:08:10,711 --> 00:08:12,310
The fella was a ride.
149
00:08:12,311 --> 00:08:14,630
A ride has died.
150
00:08:14,631 --> 00:08:17,311
That's true. Cunt or not,
I'd have still climbed on him, like.
151
00:08:17,311 --> 00:08:19,311
That's beautiful,
you should write the eulogy!
152
00:08:19,311 --> 00:08:21,111
Why are you so bothered?
You hated him.
153
00:08:21,111 --> 00:08:22,591
Yeah, that was when he was alive.
154
00:08:22,591 --> 00:08:24,631
Now that he's dead,
I don't mind him so much.
155
00:08:24,631 --> 00:08:27,111
It's Ciara I feel sorry for.
She'll be grand.
156
00:08:27,111 --> 00:08:29,231
Her life partner's
just hit the deck.
157
00:08:29,231 --> 00:08:33,231
Niamh's right, poor Ciara.
Poor sad, lonely, single Ciara.
158
00:08:34,871 --> 00:08:36,911
What do you think you're doing?
159
00:08:36,911 --> 00:08:39,350
Taking my break.
I'm on MY break.
160
00:08:39,351 --> 00:08:41,751
What, we can't take our breaks
at the same time?
161
00:08:41,751 --> 00:08:44,911
No, we can't! That means there's
no-one behind the fecking bar!
162
00:08:44,911 --> 00:08:48,911
It's under control.
There's a system in place.
163
00:08:51,191 --> 00:08:54,870
Can I have one of those, mate?
164
00:08:54,871 --> 00:08:57,830
Seriously,
what's this prick's problem?!
165
00:08:57,831 --> 00:08:59,630
Ignore him, he's twatted.
166
00:08:59,631 --> 00:09:01,750
Christ, here it comes.
167
00:09:01,751 --> 00:09:04,831
We're on a break, James.
Just pour your own there.
168
00:09:04,831 --> 00:09:07,310
That's the system, is it?
Brilliant!
169
00:09:07,311 --> 00:09:11,270
Um, yeah. OK, I'll...
170
00:09:11,271 --> 00:09:15,270
Yup.
171
00:09:15,271 --> 00:09:18,511
Would you ever just cut the poor
bastard loose, for God's sake?
172
00:09:18,511 --> 00:09:21,311
I have no intention of cutting
him loose. I really like him.
173
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,471
You don't think he's a bit...? What?
174
00:09:23,471 --> 00:09:26,511
Englishy. Well, he is English.
He's overly English, though.
175
00:09:26,511 --> 00:09:30,310
What the fuck does that even mean?
He says "fun".
176
00:09:30,311 --> 00:09:32,031
And "literally". He does not.
177
00:09:32,031 --> 00:09:34,471
What is the craic with their
inability to form a sentence
178
00:09:34,471 --> 00:09:35,831
without using "literally"?!
179
00:09:35,831 --> 00:09:39,630
That is such balls... Hiya.
180
00:09:39,631 --> 00:09:41,790
How did you know I'd be here?
181
00:09:41,791 --> 00:09:44,190
I didn't really. I just...
182
00:09:44,191 --> 00:09:47,030
Well, I took an early lunch,
183
00:09:47,031 --> 00:09:51,698
and I thought I'd just pop in on the
off-chance that you're, um, here.
184
00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:53,790
And you are.
185
00:09:53,791 --> 00:09:57,791
Riveting!
186
00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:00,271
I had so much fun at the wedding.
187
00:10:00,271 --> 00:10:04,404
I mean, I, literally, just had
THE best time. Didn't you guys?
188
00:10:05,231 --> 00:10:08,710
OK, on that note, I need to go.
189
00:10:08,711 --> 00:10:11,591
Where? I need a bit of air. My head
feels like someone's shat in it.
190
00:10:11,591 --> 00:10:15,858
Try not to mount her just yet.
Who? Ciara. I'm going for a walk!
191
00:10:15,951 --> 00:10:17,191
I'm not going to...
192
00:10:17,191 --> 00:10:20,670
You think I'm going to try
to crack onto Ciara?
193
00:10:20,671 --> 00:10:22,231
Now, that's disgusting, Bronagh.
194
00:10:22,231 --> 00:10:26,231
You're disgusting to think it
and I am disgusted to hear it.
195
00:10:26,951 --> 00:10:28,830
Disgusted.
196
00:10:28,831 --> 00:10:31,910
It's OK, Ciara. Just let it all out.
197
00:10:31,911 --> 00:10:35,911
I still can't believe it,
it doesn't feel real. I know.
198
00:10:37,111 --> 00:10:40,670
I'll never forget
finding him like that.
199
00:10:40,671 --> 00:10:43,670
When we got home,
I went into the bathroom.
200
00:10:43,671 --> 00:10:46,470
I changed into this...
201
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,750
It doesn't matter.
202
00:10:48,751 --> 00:10:50,631
I don't know why
I'm telling you this.
203
00:10:50,631 --> 00:10:54,630
No, really, Ciara, it's important
for you to talk about it.
204
00:10:54,631 --> 00:10:57,350
So, you changed into...? It's silly.
205
00:10:57,351 --> 00:11:00,430
He bought me some lingerie.
206
00:11:00,431 --> 00:11:02,790
I wanted to surprise him.
207
00:11:02,791 --> 00:11:05,150
But he never even got to see it.
208
00:11:05,151 --> 00:11:09,151
Because when I walked into
the bedroom, he'd already...
209
00:11:09,551 --> 00:11:11,230
It's OK.
210
00:11:11,231 --> 00:11:13,630
So, what colour was this...?
211
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:16,390
I just can't believe he's gone!
212
00:11:16,391 --> 00:11:18,990
I know exactly how you feel.
213
00:11:18,991 --> 00:11:22,590
I felt the same way
when my sister died.
214
00:11:22,591 --> 00:11:24,951
I didn't even know you had a sister.
215
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:28,951
Yeah. In many ways, neither did I.
216
00:11:29,551 --> 00:11:32,591
See, I know what it's like
to lose someone you love.
217
00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:36,590
To realise that you'll never
see that person again.
218
00:11:36,591 --> 00:11:40,230
That you'll never
speak to them again.
219
00:11:40,231 --> 00:11:41,511
Never touch them.
220
00:11:41,511 --> 00:11:44,750
That they'll never touch you.
221
00:11:44,751 --> 00:11:47,110
That they'll never hold you again.
222
00:11:47,111 --> 00:11:49,790
Never kiss you again...
223
00:11:49,791 --> 00:11:53,791
Was she like a foster sister?
224
00:11:53,991 --> 00:11:58,191
What I'm trying to say is,
if you ever need someone to talk to,
225
00:11:58,191 --> 00:12:00,070
I'm here, OK?
226
00:12:00,071 --> 00:12:04,071
You're so lovely. I know.
227
00:12:08,271 --> 00:12:10,111
James keeps looking at me funny.
228
00:12:10,111 --> 00:12:11,911
Everybody looks at you funny.
229
00:12:11,911 --> 00:12:14,151
We're probably going to
have to go to this wake.
230
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,671
I would rather fuck my own Da!
I don't do wakes any more.
231
00:12:16,671 --> 00:12:19,111
Corpses freak me out,
ever since Black Peter's funeral.
232
00:12:19,111 --> 00:12:21,751
What happened at Black Peter's
funeral? He winked at me.
233
00:12:21,751 --> 00:12:25,151
Can we stop calling him Black Peter,
please? It's fucking racist!
234
00:12:25,151 --> 00:12:27,750
How am I racist?
I love black people.
235
00:12:27,751 --> 00:12:29,191
All black people are sound.
236
00:12:29,191 --> 00:12:32,150
"All black people are sound"?
Really?!
237
00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:36,151
Er... Obama, sound.
Oprah Winfrey, sound.
238
00:12:36,271 --> 00:12:38,070
Moira Stewart, sound.
239
00:12:38,071 --> 00:12:39,630
Peter Andre...
240
00:12:39,631 --> 00:12:42,030
No, Niamh, not Peter Andre.
241
00:12:42,031 --> 00:12:44,150
Oh, Christ!
242
00:12:44,151 --> 00:12:45,351
Guess who's back?
243
00:12:45,351 --> 00:12:47,431
Oh, please,
not this fucking bomb scare.
244
00:12:47,431 --> 00:12:49,711
Hey, guys! So, I suppose
you've heard the good news?
245
00:12:49,711 --> 00:12:51,791
I take it Patrick told you
we're back together?
246
00:12:51,791 --> 00:12:53,551
Well, he said you raped him.
247
00:12:53,551 --> 00:12:56,671
Yeah, we're both really happy.
It just feels right, you know?
248
00:12:56,671 --> 00:12:58,351
I'm on my lunch,
so I can't stay long.
249
00:12:58,351 --> 00:13:00,710
Oh, no... Is Patrick inside?
250
00:13:00,711 --> 00:13:02,151
He's gone out.
251
00:13:02,151 --> 00:13:05,950
And now I have to go away...
252
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:09,951
..also.
253
00:13:10,071 --> 00:13:14,138
You know what we need? A good
old-fashioned girlie night out.
254
00:13:14,351 --> 00:13:18,071
We've never had the chance to bond!
I want us to bond. I want that.
255
00:13:18,071 --> 00:13:20,311
I do, I really do. You frighten us.
256
00:13:20,311 --> 00:13:22,150
So, when? When, when, when?
257
00:13:22,151 --> 00:13:23,551
I need to check my diary.
258
00:13:23,551 --> 00:13:25,271
You don't have a diary.
Focus, Niamh.
259
00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:28,431
What about tonight? We can't
tonight. We have to go to a wake.
260
00:13:28,431 --> 00:13:31,630
Whose wake? A man.
A dead man. A friend.
261
00:13:31,631 --> 00:13:32,911
A dead man friend.
262
00:13:32,911 --> 00:13:35,711
If it's a friend of Patrick's, I
really should pay my respects, too.
263
00:13:35,711 --> 00:13:37,351
I mean, I am his girlfriend.
264
00:13:37,351 --> 00:13:41,351
Except you're not, though, are you?
I'd better run.
265
00:13:42,471 --> 00:13:46,471
Wappo!
266
00:13:48,551 --> 00:13:50,031
Is there anything else, mate?
267
00:13:50,031 --> 00:13:53,311
Look, I know it's difficult,
but you have to tell Bronagh.
268
00:13:53,311 --> 00:13:57,311
And I'm sorry,
but if you don't, I will.
269
00:13:57,711 --> 00:14:00,670
All right. Grand.
270
00:14:00,671 --> 00:14:02,111
I'll tell her...
271
00:14:02,111 --> 00:14:03,910
about that thing.
272
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:07,951
She's going to find out sooner
or later anyway. It's unavoidable.
273
00:14:07,951 --> 00:14:09,660
Literally.
274
00:14:16,492 --> 00:14:18,559
And you've no idea
what James was talking about?
275
00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:21,000
Not a fucking notion, mate.
How bad did it sound?
276
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,120
Bad enough. Yeah,
she's never letting you move in.
277
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,800
I don't fancy your chances
with Ciara much. Why?
278
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,159
He's a very good looking lad.
279
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,360
Aye, but he's also in
the early stages of decomposition,
280
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,679
so I think I might have the edge.
281
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,720
Right, so you need to
find Ciara... and you tell her how
282
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,680
sorry you are, blah-blah-blah,
283
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,959
then say nice things about me.
284
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,959
Right... like what?
285
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,240
You know,
just highlight my good qualities.
286
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:50,159
Oh, right...
Like the ambidextrous thing?
287
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:54,160
You are beyond useless,
you know that?
288
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,759
I think he's still breathing.
289
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,559
Look at his chest... Look.
290
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,680
Jesus, Conor, I've told you before,
a dead body's like a magic eye -
291
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,440
if you stare at one long enough,
292
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:13,440
it'll probably start doing
fucking cartwheels.
293
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,080
You really
didn't have to come, James.
294
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,600
It's totally fine. Honestly.
295
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,800
I've never actually been
to a wake before.
296
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,360
This one isn't that great.
297
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,159
I'll take you to
a good one next time.
298
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,799
Where's Frankie?
299
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,160
I dunno,
maybe he went out for a smoke.
300
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,479
Have you... seen Conor?
301
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:38,760
Yes, he's just
in the other room, so he is.
302
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:42,760
I'm just going to, literally,
pop my head in and say hello.
303
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,200
You, literally, do that.
304
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,119
Conor...
305
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:06,120
Oh, listen, I haven't told
Bronagh yet... but I will.
306
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,400
I swear I will.
307
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:12,640
I just need to know exactly what
I'm going to tell her... exactly.
308
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:14,519
I beg your pardon?
309
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:15,840
What did I do?
310
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:19,279
Look, Conor,
this is the worst part, I know.
311
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,960
But once this part's over,
we'll be in the next part -
312
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:25,359
the better part, the good part.
313
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,920
Do you understand what I'm saying?
314
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,959
Not really.
315
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,599
I just want to be honest. About us.
316
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,800
Us?
317
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:37,800
Us.
318
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:42,240
Oh, fuck!
319
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,679
Oh, there you are.
I just needed a minute.
320
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:51,680
Oh, I'll go. No, stay... please.
321
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,959
So... you having a good night?
322
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:59,960
Sorry. Jesus Christ!
I didn't... Shit...
323
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:04,719
It's OK.
324
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,960
You kept that quiet, didn't you?
What?
325
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,080
Congratulations.
Your fiancee, she's so lovely.
326
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:14,080
My fiancee?
327
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:15,880
Brilliant!
328
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,920
It was his grandmother's.
She died in the potato famine.
329
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,319
So tragic. A bit like this, really.
330
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,760
I thought maybe
we should postpone the wedding,
331
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,600
but Patrick was having none of it.
332
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,599
"Dermot wouldn't have
wanted that", he said.
333
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:32,680
"Dermot would have wanted us to be
happy". Patrick's so thoughtful.
334
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:36,813
Always considering what other people
want. Even the dead ones!
335
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,639
Look, Frankie... He's dead!
336
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:47,640
Feel how cold he is. Go on.
337
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:54,559
You can't please that child.
338
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:58,519
It is a pity all the same.
I definitely would, like.
339
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,999
I'll give you a tenner
if you snog him.
340
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,279
He's dead, don't be sick. Go on!
341
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,200
That's so disrespectful, Bronagh.
342
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,039
20 quid?
343
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,280
20 quid?
And all I have to do is lob the gob?
344
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,039
Yeah.
345
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,519
Here. Hold this.
346
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,959
For 30 seconds.
You can't add in rules!
347
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,960
If I'm forking out 20 quid,
I want a bit of a floor show.
348
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,359
There you are.
349
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:30,693
We need to leave. Steph's here
and she's so spectacularly mental.
350
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,359
Ah, right. So, listen, last night...
351
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,919
Yeah? Apparently, James blew me!
352
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:41,253
James blew you? You let James,
your sister's boyfriend, blow you?
353
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,039
Yeah. But he says "fun".
354
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,040
Yes, he does.
He said it several times, while...
355
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,760
She is going to cut your balls clean
off. Why did you let him do that?
356
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,640
You know how it is
when you're steaming.
357
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,880
I've spent the last 14 years
of my life steaming,
358
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,520
but I'm yet to let another man
put his mouth around my lad.
359
00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:01,239
What am I going to do?
Are you gay now?
360
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,240
Why would you say that?! If that's
who you are, I respect that.
361
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,840
I mean, obviously I couldn't be
friends with you any more.
362
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,119
I'm not gay! So tell him that.
363
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:11,560
Oh, but I feel bad.
He's such a nice fella.
364
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:15,039
Did he buy you them?
365
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,320
He says he loves me.
366
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,800
Aye, it might be all flowers
and fucking blow jobs now,
367
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,600
but sooner or later you're going to
have to take it up the hole, Conor.
368
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:22,840
Your choice.
369
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,319
Eight. Nine.
370
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,119
Ten. Eleven.
371
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:32,519
12.. Jesus Christ!
372
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,679
We're so sorry for your loss.
373
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,760
Why would you do that?
Why would anybody do that?
374
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,720
Ciara, it's not
what it looks like...
375
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,080
It looks like you were sexually
assaulting my boyfriend's corpse!
376
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,120
In fairness Bronagh,
377
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,120
it does look like we were sexually
assaulting her boyfriend's corpse.
378
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,680
No, no, because she never
actually ventured down there.
379
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,120
It was all from the neck up.
380
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,599
It was just a bit
of innocent neck-up fun.
381
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,359
You said "fun".
382
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:59,199
I want yous out of here.
Now! I'm serious!
383
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:00,560
What's going on?
384
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:04,560
Bronagh said "fun".
385
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,399
Oh, Jesus!
386
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:11,400
Look, all right...
It's not a big deal.
387
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,720
I've just been explaining
to James here that, umm...
388
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,039
..I'm not gay.
389
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,639
And to, sort of,
thank him for keeping quiet
390
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:25,640
about a previous
accidental homosexual encounter...
391
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,439
..I agreed to ride him.
392
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,399
Ah... no, sorry. Crossed wires.
393
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,640
I was actually the one going
to be doing the, um... the riding.
394
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,973
Look, no-one's going to be riding
anybody until I deal with this.
395
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:45,079
You see,
it won't be happening again.
396
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,920
So there's no need to tell Bronagh.
397
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,759
Frankie!
398
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,079
Frankie... wait!
399
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,399
You are both disgusting!
400
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,359
Oh, Ciara, that's a bit much.
401
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,880
I couldn't even stick the tongue in,
his lips are fucking sewn together.
402
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,999
Were they, aye? Jesus, lads.
403
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,240
I don't believe this.
I can't deal with this!
404
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,200
All right, everybody,
let's just calm down.
405
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,800
Let's talk about this reasonably.
406
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,440
Please Frankie,
don't say anything!
407
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,400
Help! It's our secret.
I'll buy you sweets!
408
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:14,359
Shitloads of...
409
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,479
..sweets.
410
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,039
Fudge.
411
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:22,279
Fuck. No.
412
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,279
All right, then.
413
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:28,239
Niamh, Bronagh,
step away from the corpse, please.
414
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:32,480
Conor, could you just stick your cock
back in for us, that's a good man.
415
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,720
I'll grab our coats
and we'll be on our way.
416
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,120
Not you. You're mental.
417
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:40,120
If you ever do fancy coffee
or a drink, you...
418
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,119
Well, you have my number.
419
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,200
It's been lovely.
420
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:47,600
Well, not lovely - Dermot's dead
and stuff, but... a great buffet!
421
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,559
So, you know, every cloud...
422
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,239
All right.
423
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:57,240
Bye-bye, then.
424
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,239
So, Ciara thinks I'm engaged
to that psychopath,
425
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:10,307
and that I'm best friends
with two necrophiliacs and a paedo.
426
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,600
I know what you were really
doing in that bathroom.
427
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:17,560
What? You were in that toilet
pulling the middle out of yourself.
428
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:21,560
Admit it!
You were wanking at a wake!
429
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,279
Yes!
430
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,039
I was.
431
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,879
I was wanking at a wake!
432
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,840
That's what I was doing, exactly.
433
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,840
You dirty, filthy bastard. At least
I'm not actually a paedophile.
434
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,160
That's something, isn't it?
435
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,320
Do they have less paedophiles
over here?
436
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:39,560
What?
437
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:42,560
It's just an observation. Maybe
I'm wrong, but we seem to have
438
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,480
more of a paedo vibe in Ireland.
439
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,960
Definitely, Ireland's always had
a very rich paedo culture.
440
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,879
Sorry, are you actually
saying these words?
441
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,240
We're not as strong
on the serial killing, though.
442
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:54,960
The English win hands-down on that.
443
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,200
Do we even have serial killers?
I don't think so.
444
00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:01,667
None of the good ones, anyway.
Ah, well, you can't have everything.
445
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,920
Where are you going?
Time to call it a night, I think.
446
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,640
You haven't finished your drink!
It's just been such a mental day.
447
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,359
Mate,
you haven't finished your drink!
448
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:13,319
I'm tired!
449
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:14,919
Packy, your drink!
450
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,920
I don't care about my drink!
I'm going home, OK?!
451
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,679
Fucked in!
452
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:32,319
That's not even funny.
453
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:36,320
Right.
454
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,843
Let's get fucking wallpapered!
455
00:23:41,025 --> 00:23:52,235
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