All language subtitles for _Oh God

-Jer, clean or dirty?
-Marginal.

No, it's not.

I don't know why you use that thing.
I mean, if it's for me, it's not necessary.

-Of course, I do like to watch you use it.
-I know.

Listen, I think we should wait
with the powder room.

Nope, no more waiting for toilets.

I just don't like to see you worrying
about loans and mortgages, that's all.

Then don't look.

I don't think we should spend money--

No more thinking tonight! Let's watch TV.

Is there any good mail today?

A couple of junk, some bills,
and a letter for you.

Read this.

"God grants you an interview.

"1600 North Hope Street,
Los Angeles, California.

"Room 2700. Tomorrow at 11:00 a.m."

It's a gag.

No stamp, no return address?
Pretty crazy gag.

-It's an ad.
-For what?

For God oven cleaner, or God detergent,
or I don't know.

Nobody would dare.

Air ball.

Artie Coogan.

-What?
-Artie Coogan, that's it.

Yeah.

Crazy Artie.

No, an English teacher
wouldn't misspell "interview."

Neither would God.

I can't meet him tomorrow. I've got
to meet the District Produce Manager.

-Sorry, God.
-Two points.

Did we make love last night?

Just checking.

Keep checking.

I love you.

Honey, it's so late.

That was two points.

-Wash your hands, Norman.
-We were just....

Good morning, Mr. McCarthy.
I'm sorry to be late, sir.

Landers. Hold it.

Is this how you've instructed your staff
to prepare romaine lettuce for display?

I know what you're getting at,
and I had the same argument...

-...with the last district manager.
-Please answer.

Yes, I do.

Why would anyone buy that...

...when they could get this
for the same price?

Mr. McCarthy, if I put this head of lettuce
in the bin, it's going to stay there all day...

...it'll be there tomorrow
and the next day...

...and we will wind up
throwing it away.

Our other stores--

They do not have a Ralph's up the street
and a Lucky Market...

...right around the corner
who trim even closer than I do.

Now, I know my customers, Mr. McCarthy.

I see.

Landers?

I also noticed that you haven't been
oiling your cukes.

-What?
-Why haven't you been oiling your cukes?

It takes time, it takes oil,
it's dishonest, Mr. McCarthy.

-Dishonest?
-Sir, there's an interview that I--

Look, our company has
certain policies, which--

I have an interview with....

You have a what?

Thank you very much.

Stay.

What is this?

You're right on time. I like that.
Close the door.

-Who are you?
-You read the note.

-Who is that, Artie?
-God.

-Come on, Artie.
-No, it's me, God.

-God?
-Right, God.

God Almighty. Big "G."

It's not a gag, I promise.

-Where you going?
-I've got this load of plums coming in.

Let the plums wait.
How often do you talk with God?

Practically never.

How do I know you're God?
All I hear is a voice on an intercom.

You're not allowed to see me.

-Why not?
-Because.

-That's no answer.
-Sue me.

-lf you're God....
-Yeah?

-lf you're really God....
-Yeah?

If I'm really God, what?

-You leaving?
-Right the first time.

Where are you leaving?
Where do you think you are?

What do you mean, where?
Right here is where, that's where.

-And where is here?
-1600 North Hope Street, Room 2700.

Jerry.

There's no Room 2700 in this building.

There's no 27th floor here.

I thought, this way
we'd have a little privacy.

Check it out. Go ahead, I'll wait.

-Sir?
-Yes, sir?

How do I get to the 27th floor?

-In this building?
-Yeah.

I'm afraid you'd need a can opener.
We only have 17 floors.

Seventeen.

Have a nice ride?

Come in.

Close the door.

Sit down.

Go ahead.

Relax.

Don't smoke.

-I don't.
-Good.

Tobacco was one of my big mistakes.

-Mistakes?
-You try.

Ostriches were a mistake.
Silly looking things. Avocados.

Made the pit too big. Like I say, "You try."

You still don't believe it?

Artie, if this is you, you win.

-This is the best gag you've ever pulled.
-I'm not Artie.

Went to a lot of trouble to make it
a comfortable interview.

You misspelled it, you know.

-What?
-"Interview."

In your note.

It's "I"....

It's "I" before "E."

Give me a break. A few things, I got right.
I put summer before winter, didn't I?

You're scared.

Well, sure. But look, if this is a joke,
it's gone too far.

It's no joke.

How come you've got such a....
Just a voice, like everybody's?

Empathy. I'm talking to you
in a way you can accept.

I'm relating.

I don't like to brag,
but if I appeared to you just as God...

...how I really am, what I really am,
your mind couldn't grasp it.

I think you made a mistake.
I'm not religious.

So?

I'm not one of your believers.
And I sure as heck don't believe this.

That's why I showed up.
Too many nonbelievers.

But I read in an article
that religion is on the upswing.

Religion is easy, I'm talking about faith.
You're going to help me change that.

Me?

-I don't belong to any church.
-Neither do I.

Go back to work.
I don't want you to get in trouble.

Thank you.

We'll talk on the way.

-How?
-Trust me. Like it says on the money.

Sir? Are you all right, sir?

No.

Jerry.

-You want me to talk louder?
-Oh, God.

I thought you didn't believe in me?

That's just an expression.

I'm more than that,
and I want you to spread the word.

Me?

-Spread what word?
-That I am. I exist.

That we've spoken.

You want me to tell people
that I've spoken with God?

-Yes.
-They'll put me away.

I'm tired of all the talk that I may be dead,
or that I never was at all.

Or that God was just
particles of cosmos. Gas.

I'm not gas. I found that very insulting.

-Do you actually expect people to believe--
-That's your job.

But I'm just a man. I'm no Moses.

What was Moses?
Do you think Moses was born on Page 1?

Moses was just a messenger,
my messenger.

Look....

God, if....

If I tell people
that I spoke with God, they....

And now an oldie but a goodie,
Jerry Gray and A String of Pearls.

God?

Top-ten time on KGOD. What is it, Jerry?

That guy on the motorcycle thinks
I'm a nut. Is that the kind of God you are?

-How come you didn't let him hear you?
-That's a policy of mine.

I try not to work with
more than one savior at a time.

Savior? Me?

-You do your job right....
-I can't take this job. I don't believe--

I know, but even nonbelievers want
what they've got down here to work.

Have you read the papers lately?
It ain't working.

That's why I came, to tell everybody
I set the world up so it can work.

Only, it's up to you.
You can't look to me to do it for you.

No.

You can do it. It's only one message.

-Moses had to handle ten.
-But you gave him tablets.

-He had a bad memory.
-I need something.

What kind of something?

I don't know. Anything. A tape recording.

My voice wouldn't come out on tape.
It's very complicated.

It's like, you know how Dracula
can't see himself in a mirror?

It's along those lines.

If people could just hear your voice--

This isn't even how I sound. I'm talking
like this so that you'll understand me.

Understand? I don't understand anything.

That's a beginning. Over and out.

Hold it. Don't hang up on me.

You just went through a red light.
You're going to get yourself killed.

I need you down here.

I have some nice, fresh chicken soup.
Why don't you let me fix you a bowl?

Is that all I can get from you? Soup?

-You know what, darling?
-What?

Why don't you and I take a few days off
and go on a little holiday?

-A holiday?
-Yeah.

We could go to San Francisco.

You haven't even seen
your sister's new baby yet.

You don't want me to see my sister's baby.
You want me to see my sister's husband.

I am not crazy, and I don't need
some child psychiatrist to tell me...

...that I didn't talk to God, because I did.

-On an intercom.
-And on the car radio.

Yes, Jerry.

Do you remember when Artie Coogan
set up that hidden microphone...

...and he broadcast those filthy limericks
through the television set?

It was not Artie.

I know all of Artie's voices.

Artie is not capable of adding 10 stories
to a building that doesn't have them.

He cannot talk back and forth
through a car radio...

...that's been busted for two months.

Whoever the hell this guy is,
he's very smart.

And I'm going to listen to him.

-For a while.
-And you think it's God?

Well, he thinks he's God.
And I'm in no position to argue with him.

-I thought you believed in him.
-I do. I believe in God.

I just don't believe that he exists.
I mean, in the sense...

...that he repaints floor numbers in office
buildings or doubles as a disc jockey.

Well, that is what he does.

And he wants you
to give his message to the world?

Yes.

Jerry, does he know
how you feel about him?

I told him. Doesn't seem to bother him.

So is that all he told you?

That you're going to be the savior?

And that to tell everybody,
what we have down here can work?

Yes.

He also told me,
he's very disappointed in avocados.

-He is?
-He said he made the pit too big.

I am not crazy!

Jerry?

I let you sleep a little later.

I'll take the kids to school, okay?

How do you feel?

You know, about....

I almost forgot. I'm fine.

Good.

Because, you know, I was thinking...

...you didn't actually see,
all you did was hear.

And you know what they say.

-What?
-Seeing is believing.

Not hearing.

-What about Ingrid Bergman?
-Ingrid Bergman?

Joan of Arc. She played Joan of Arc.

Joan of Arc.

Joan didn't see either.
She just heard, like me.

Jerry?

-Oh, God.
-That's right.

-Is that you?
-In person.

-You're not on the radio?
-Have you got a radio out here?

-No.
-Bingo.

You're here?

-In my bathroom?
-Come take a look.

-I can't. I'm naked.
-You think I don't know what you've got?

That was another little goof of mine.
Shame.

I don't know why
I thought we needed shame.

Come on out.

Don't catch cold.

Not what you expected?

I picked a look you could understand.

For someone else,
I would've looked different.

I could do any face, voice, whatever.
I could even be a woman.

-Feeling a little strange?
-Very strange.

Like you're going to faint?

You know what's good for that?

Shaving.

-Shaving?
-Sometimes when you don't feel normal...

...doing a normal thing
makes you feel normal.

Here, start shaving.

Go ahead.

I am.

I don't mean with the shaving...

...with the questions
that are popping into your head.

Yeah.

-Why me?
-Why not you?

You mean, there's no special--

Life is a crap shoot, like the millionth
customer who crosses a bridge...

...gets to shake hands with the governor.

You thought I picked you
because you're better than everybody?

I'm not?

You're better than some,
but not as good as others.

But you crossed the bridge
at the right time.

If you wanted to see me,
why didn't you just appear over my bed?

Hollywood. Next question.

People are always praying to you.
Do you listen?

I can't help hearing. I don't always listen.

-Then you don't care?
-Of course I care.

I care plenty. But what can I do?

What can you do?

You're God.

Only for the big picture.
I don't get into details.

Then whatever happens to us--

Happens. Here, I put in a new blade.

You mean, there's no plan...

...no scheme to guide our destinies?

-A lot of it is luck.
-Luck? Just luck?

Put on a little toilet paper.
I'll get you a piece.

-You don't control our lives?
-I gave you a world and everything in it.

It's all up to you.

-But we need help.
-That's why I gave you each other. Here.

With your powers,
you could solve so many problems.

Don't wet it.

-Are you sure?
-Am I sure?

Did I do a good job on the Grand Canyon?

Anyway, why don't you?
Solve all our problems.

-Work a few miracles.
-I don't do miracles. They're too flashy.

And they upset the natural balance.

No miracles? I knew it.

Maybe now and then,
just to keep my hand in.

The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets.

Before that,
I think you have to go back to the Red Sea.

That was a beauty.

No offense,
but I don't believe the Red Sea...

...and I don't believe
six days to create the world.

You're right.

-I am?
-Tell you the truth...

...I thought about it for five days
and did the whole job in one.

I'm really best under pressure.

-One day to create the world?
-And the sun. I hate to work in the dark.

You have to remember...

...that one of my days
is not exactly one of yours.

How long are they?

When I got up this morning,
Sigmund Freud was still in medical school.

-lf you're so involved with us....
-Yeah?

How can you permit all the suffering
that goes on in the world?

-How can I permit the suffering?
-Yeah.

I don't permit the suffering. You do.

Free will. All the choices are yours.

Choices? What choices?

You can love, cherish and nurture
each other, or you can kill each other.

Incidentally, "kill" is the word.
It's not "waste."

If I meant "waste," I would have written,
"Thou shalt not waste."

You're doing some very funny things
with words here.

You're also turning the sky into mud.
I look down, I don't believe the filth.

Using rivers for toilets,
poisoning my fishes.

You want a miracle?
You make a fish from scratch. You can't.

You think only God can make a tree?
Try coming up with a mackerel.

And when the last one is gone,
that'll be that.

Eighty-six on the fishes. Good-bye, sky.
So long, world. Over and out.

-I thought you said we would make it.
-I said, you have to make it work.

-You don't care.
-I do care.

-Then do something about it.
-I did. I got you to carry the ball.

-I got no ball. How can I carry it?
-I gave you a mouth, didn't I?

Tell people how I feel, what I said.

How do I do that?

How did you get to be
an assistant manager?

Did you ever hear of
newspapers, reporters?

You got a scoop here, an exclusive,
a hold-the-presses.

Fine.

And how do I convince anybody
that I've actually seen you?

-That you exist?
-Simple.

Show them this.

-Your card?
-No, it's not my card. It's God's card.

-It's God's card?
-Look at it.

I am.

-Do you know where I got it?
-At a novelty store?

-God gave it to me.
-Did he?

-May I ask when and where you got it?
-This morning, in my bathroom.

God visited you in your bathroom
this morning?

Yes.

Sounds crazy to you, doesn't it?

Yesterday,
he was just a voice on an intercom...

...and then he was on the radio.

-God spoke to you on the radio?
-In my car.

-What station?
-All stations.

Right. And then this morning,
he showed up in your bathroom?

Yes.

Why do you suppose
the Almighty spoke to you, Mr.--

-Landers.
-Mr. Landers.

Jerry Landers. He said that he wanted
me to be his messenger, like Moses.

What sort of work do you do, Mr. Landers?

I'm the assistant manager
of Food World in Burbank.

I see. Then you don't speak
to God every day.

Never before yesterday.

Did God say why he needed a messenger...

-...at this particular time, Mr. Landers?
-Yes, he was very specific.

He said that he wanted us to know
that it can work.

-What "it" is that?
-Us "it."

Our lives, our world, everything.

He says that he's given us everything
that we need, and it's entirely up to us.

-And those were his exact words?
-Close enough. You can print that.

Did God specify the Los Angeles Times?

That was my idea.

Well, we're very grateful.

I'm not a nut.

-I didn't say that you were.
-I'm not even religious.

Yes, thank you very much, Mr. Landers,
for bringing us this story.

Look, don't brush me off.

Do me a favor, and look at that card again.
Take a good hard look at it.

Certainly.

Now, does that look like something
I'd get at a novelty shop?

Yes.

Norman, did you just put a bag of potatoes
on top of that white bread?

No, sir.

-I think you did.
-Mr. Landers, please come to Aisle 10.

Aisle 10, please.

Did you hear that, Norman?

Yes, never put a bag of potatoes
on top of a white bread.

No, the page. I was just paged.
Did you hear that?

I didn't hear anything. Did I?

We'll get you a new white bread, ma'am.
Take care of it.

God?

Chemicals, all chemicals.
Turning kids into garbage cans.

Jerry, I didn't see one word
in the newspapers.

Of course not.

That guy at the Times kept looking
at me like I was some kind of lunatic.

And I felt like one.

-Did you show him my card?
-Sure I did.

And he said, "You can get one of those
in any novelty store."

Here. You know, I really felt like an idiot.
Please, don't do that to me again.

-You said what I said?
-Absolutely.

And they didn't find God's word
fit to print?

Some tough cookies, boy.

-Did you get the Coke?
-Yes.

I have Cup-a-Soup.

-Good morning, Mrs. Levin.
-Hi.

-Mrs. Green.
-Hi, Jerry.

You know, I'd like you to meet....

-You did it to me again.
-What'd she do?

What?

Nothing.

-Can I help you ladies?
-No.

-We're all right.
-Yes, thank you.

-What was that all about?
-I don't know.

-Why did you change on me?
-Why did you start to introduce me?

I don't want to be
the only guy in the world--

Look, I can't make appearances all over.
Don't you understand?

-No, I don't.
-People would drop dead from hysterics.

-Mr. Landers?
-This place is too busy.

Can you sign this, please?

Jerry?

Up here.

-Let's go for a ride.
-I'll meet you.

-Where?
-What? Not you.

I can't understand it. Why wouldn't
a religious editor believe you?

Face it, you goofed again,
just like the avocado pit.

You picked the wrong message boy.

-You don't believe I'm here, do you?
-No, I don't.

Then how do you explain
this conversation we're having?

I'm having. I'm dreaming you.

And I ought to be real glad
when I wake up, too.

What color are my eyes?

My eyes?

Blue.

My shirt?

Red plaid.
What does that got to do with anything?

-Do you dream in color?
-No.

Bingo, again.

Okay. All right.

You know a lot of things...

...and you've been making things happen...

...but none of it seems....

-Godlike?
-Yeah. Godlike.

Now, what, to you, would be Godlike?

-Change the weather.
-Special effects?

What would you like?
A little earthquake? Small hurricane?

No, I wouldn't want anybody hurt.

I was just thinking, maybe,
what about a little rain?

-Little rain?
-Yeah. A small shower.

One small shower. You got it.

It's raining.

You made it rain.

You didn't even bat an eye.
You didn't lift a finger.

-Rain's not that hard.
-It's unbelievable.

-Would you like it to rain a little harder?
-No, this is fine.

-How about bigger drops?
-No. This is fine.

Would you care for a little snow?

I don't believe it.

It's not raining outside. It's just in here.

Why should I spoil everybody's day?

-This is fantastic.
-Thank you.

-It's just like Noah's ark.
-Same thing, without the smell.

-What's the problem, officer?
-I was about to ask you.

My radiator must be leaking.
I'm sorry about that.

A radiator doesn't hold that much water.

I must have driven through a car wash
with my windows open?

-That'd do it.
-Yeah.

-Roll up the windows next time.
-Yes, sir, I will. Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

-He believed that dumb excuse.
-There's an aura of goodness around you.

You.

Going to try a little harder
to get the word out?

-Yeah! I'll give it another shot!
-That's my boy.

Mr. Briggs.

-You're all wet.
-Of course I'm wet.

I didn't dry myself, I wanted you
to see this. Do you remember me?

Of course. You're the nonbeliever
who spoke to God, twice, I believe.

Four times, now.

-Is he still visiting you in the toilet?
-I just rode with him in my car.

This time, I have got the proof.

-He gave you another calling card?
-No. He made it rain inside the car.

This water that I'm dripping all over here
is water that he made.

This is holy water.

-lf you'll excuse me, I really am in a hurry.
-I will not excuse you, Mr. Briggs!

You are a reporter of religious events...

...and this is the most important
religious event of our time.

And I expect you....

I don't expect, I insist,
that you print his message...

...in your paper and give it
the prominence it deserves.

Or, by God, you'll hear from me again.

Jerry.

No, listen to this.

"It should come as no surprise to anyone
that in these tense-filled times...

"...religious freaks abound.

"From the Bronx cabbie who claims
he drove Mary Magdalene...

"...to the airport last Christmas...." Listen.

"To the Burbank, California,
supermarket manager...

"...who insists he has had
four conversations with God, no less."

What?

"According to this second gentleman...

"...who flashes a calling card
with God's name on it...

"...God wants very much for us to know...

"...He is alive and well and that
our world can work. It's up to us."

Let me see that.

The Los Angeles Times.

-Where is it?
-How could you, for God's....

It's right here, with some terrific company.

See this? A janitor who sleeps all night
tied up on a cross.

Did anybody else say they saw God?

No, but there's an insurance salesman
selling life-after-death policies.

But only you have talked to the Big Boss.
Did you just say that you saw him?

-Yes.
-You didn't just hear him?

One line. That's all they gave it is one line.

-Are you saying now that you saw God?
-Three times, yeah.

-Three times?
-In the bathroom, at work, and in the car.

One lousy line. I don't believe it.

Let's go away for a couple days, okay?

-Bobbie, I know how crazy this all sounds.
-No, you don't.

I saw him. He spoke to me.

All right, let's say, for a minute,
that you saw God--

Look, don't humor me.
That'll really make me crazy.

Okay! You saw him.

-But why is he talking to you?
-Why not me?

Why not the Pope, or Billy Graham,
or somebody way up there?

-He doesn't care about religion.
-God doesn't care about religion?

That's what he said.

He sure picked a funny business
to go into then, didn't he?

I'm sorry, Jerry.

I can't seem to accept the concept of you...

...actually having a real, honest-to-God
conversation with God.

I don't understand
why he wanted to talk to you.

God, listen to me, this whole thing
is making me nuts now, too.

Too?

-You do think I'm crazy.
-No.

I don't think you're crazy.

Which is why I think I'm crazy.

Bobbie, how can I convince anyone at all,
if I can't convince you?

Jerry, for some reason
that I can't even begin to fathom...

...you really believe all this stuff,
don't you?

Can't you?

I believe...

...that you believe.

Which, in some sense,
is the same as believing, I guess, isn't it?

Do you understand what I've said?

Do you have any questions?

Adam?

Sounds pretty bananas, Dad.

Hello?

Who?

No, he isn't home right now.

No, that's not him.

Yes, you can print that in your paper.

He is definitely not the man
in the Times today.

-Can I go now, Dad?
-Sure, Son.

I'll meet you.

Look, I'm his wife. You can believe me.
Don't call back.

-What do you think?
-Maybe he's going through a stage.

You know, "mentalpause."

That's "menopause."

-Yeah, like Grandma.
-I hope.

And finally, this note.

The Los Angeles Sunday Times reports
today that in Tarzana, California...

...a supermarket manager, Jerry Landers,
had an alleged conversation...

...with someone he claimed was God.

According to the story,
God has appeared on earth to reaffirm...

...that He lives and our world can work.
It's up to us.

This reporter would like to hedge his bets
on the outside chance...

...that God did make this appearance
and that he just might be tuned to ABC.

We'd like him to know, we did report it.

This is Jerry Dunphy.
Thank you and good night.

-Even Moses didn't give his last name.
-That should get the phone ringing.

I told you.

Hello.

Yes, this is Jerry Landers.
It's the Tarzana Daily Review.

Yes, I'm the one.

Spoke with him? Absolutely.

About 6 foot, blondish hair....

Oh, him.

About 5' 7", I guess. Gray hair.

-I almost forgot my project.
-Jerry.

-I'm coming!
-You made the front page.

What?

-Everybody, look.
-What?

Channel 11? That's the 10:00 news.

-Can we stay up and watch us?
-Jerry, I don't want the kids on TV.

Can't be any worse than watching it.

Don't worry. Come on, kids.

Hold the cameras.

-Mr. Landers?
-Yes.

Channel 11, 10:00 news.

You're quoted as saying
that you've talked with God, sir?

Yes.

-Face to face?
-That's right.

He's a fruitcake.

And you say God wants to affirm he's alive
and he's very disappointed...

-...with the way we're handling our world?
-That's right.

How are you going to get people
to believe you?

It wasn't my idea.

He picked me.

Is God going to reveal himself to you,
as you claim he has?

Not as I claim he has. As he has.

I don't know if he'll show up again,
but he gave me his message and--

-Dad. It's 10 to.
-Yes, Adam.

That he exists?

Yes, and that he would like us
to cherish and nurture each other...

-...as opposed to killing one another.
-He said that?

Yeah, that he's our shepherd,
and we shall not want.

-We can quote you?
-I didn't make that up.

For 10:00 news, this is Mario Machado
and the man who talked to God in Tarzana.

The second time,
the first time was in Los Angeles.

I stand corrected.

Mr. Landers, please call
Mr. Summers at his office.

Mr. Summers for Mr. Landers.

-Landers.
-Mr. Summers.

Glad you could get here so fast.

-Well, you said--
-Right, have a seat.

Thank you.

-How's it going, Landers?
-Fine.

-You took over while Slavic is vacationing?
-Yes, sir.

-Think you can handle a store as manager?
-I'm sure I can.

Good.

-Everything all right at home?
-Wonderful.

The missus? Kids? Adam? Betsy?

Becky.

Good, what is this "seeing God" crap
all about?

It's not crap, Mr. Summers. I've seen him.

I've heard it all in this chair.

I know what being a manager
can do to a man.

Trouble with books.

-Humping check-out girls in the freezer.
-I'm only the assistant.

You can tell me.

There's nothing like that to tell.
I really have seen him.

Landers, the founder and
principal stockholder of Food World...

...is a man devoted to prayer.

Lowell Wilson has personally
gotten down on his knees...

...with three US Presidents.

He attended prayer breakfasts
and asked for God's blessing...

...with the Joint Chiefs of Staff
right in the war room of the Pentagon.

I don't think that Mr. Wilson
is going to take too kindly to the idea...

...that one of his employees...

...is claiming to have had a personal
audience with the Almighty himself.

I should think that he would be very happy
to know that his prayers are heard.

Mr. Wilson has reached
that point in his life...

...where he can be sure
his prayers are heard.

He doesn't need any help from you.

It's not me. I'm just kind of like a Moses.

Look, Landers.

I don't want to pump any sunshine
up your skirt...

...but you have a future at Food World.
Don't blow it.

Now, you just keep your mouth shut,
and stay away from reporters.

And if I don't?

God may have been interested in you
as an assistant manager...

...we'll just see how he feels
about you as a bag stuffer.

Over here!

I thought I'd straighten up a little.

The mess people make.

Take a seat.

It's started?

You said you saw me,
and the pressure started.

-Is it going to get any worse?
-How should I know?

What do you mean,
how should you know?

-How could I know?
-You know everything.

I only know what is.

Also, I'm very big on what was.
On what isn't yet, I haven't got a clue.

-But when you said--
-Move your foot.

Sit down.

When you said
everything would work out...

...I thought you could tell the future.

Absolutely, I could tell the future,
the minute it becomes the past.

I said, everything could work out,
if that's everybody's choice.

People have to decide
what's to be done with the world.

I can't make a personal decision
for everybody.

Why the face? So far, so good.

We hit the papers, a little TV,
we're in business.

I'm liable to lose my job.

Lose a job, save a world. Not a bad deal.

Hey, Adam.

-What are you doing here?
-I got off early from work, Son.

I thought I'd give you a lift home.

No thanks, Dad. I'll walk.

-Come on.
-No, I got new tennis shoes on.

I want to break them in.

See you later.

Come on, let's go.

Why wouldn't they be embarrassed?

-Their friends ribbed the hell out of them.
-That's rotten.

They wanted to know if you could
get their test answers from God.

And could he do anything
about their little-league team?

They gave them a very rough day.

Jerry, what are you going to do
about Mr. Summers?

What can I do?
What do you want me to do?

I want you to say no more about it,
like he said not to.

Bobbie,
Mr. Summers represents Food World.

God is with "World World."
It's a slightly bigger obligation.

-Bigger than your job?
-I have no choice.

That's the problem.

The problem is, you do!

How far do you intend to take this?
How long is this going to go on?

Until everyone gets the message.
Until I can convince people of this miracle.

I mean, that's what it is.

It's a miracle, nothing less.

I have to reach the greatest number
of people possible and tell them.

It's for you.
The producer of The Dinah Shore Show.

You've been on television a long....
Not that long. I'm sorry.

No, I'm much younger than I look.

-No, I didn't want to say it that way.
-You look....

I'm younger than people think I am,
because I've been around a long time.

Everything you've done
has had such tremendous impact.

It's been magnificent.
I've never done anything bad in my life.

I'm one of the perfect people.

-That's kind of exciting.
-It is.

Do you remember your first moment
on television?

Actually, I do. It was in 1948.
It was Maggie McNellis's Crystal Room.

We were told to be visual in those days.

The Picture of Dorian Grey
was very popular then.

I gave a 15-second impression
of The Picture of Dorian Grey.

About the man who carouses.

He stays looking good,
but his picture falls apart.

-Ready, Mr. Landers?
-Right.

I think I broke a jaw.

America is not ready for this.

Okay, you'll take the empty seat
next to Dinah.

-This show is taped, isn't it?
-Yes, it'll be on a week from today.

You may have read about my next guest
in the newspapers recently.

He is a supermarket manager
from Tarzana, California...

...who says that he has been instructed
by God to spread the message...

...that God lives and God cares.

Please welcome Mr. Jerry Landers.

-Am I on?
-Almost, that applause is for you.

-Is Dinah nice, Daddy?
-Not now, honey.

-You're not nervous, are you?
-No.

I don't mind telling you, I am.
You have some pretty powerful friend.

-Why are they laughing?
-Just watch.

Because God is Daddy's friend.

-Why do you suppose he picked you, Jerry?
-God only knows. I mean....

You're right.

You said that God wants us to know
that he still cares.

Is there anything else
that he wants us to know?

Yes, that he's given us everything
that we need to make our life work...

...make the world work,
and that he's watching us.

-He's watching?
-Yes.

Watching us?

-Now?
-Yes.

You agreed earlier
to be part of an experiment today...

...with the Los Angeles Police Department.

Do you want me
to take a lie detector test?

-No.
-I will.

What this is, is a sketch artist
from the Los Angeles Police Department.

He's an expert and very adept
at making a sketch from a description.

I think all of us here would like to know
what God looks like.

You would like to know.

-Shall we?
-Okay.

Follow me.

-Jerry, this is Mr. Fernando Ponce.
-Hello, sir.

-Please sit there.
-Thank you.

Mr. Ponce, as I said, is an expert
at eyewitness sketches...

...for the LA Police Department.

-How do I start?
-Tell me about the shape of his face.

The shape is...

...triangular.

-Good.
-I guess.

-He's got large ears.
-He has?

Jerry, I don't believe you actually did this.

It was their idea.

He does. He wears glasses.

God wears glasses?

He's wearing a fishing cap.

-A fishing cap?
-Maybe it's like a baseball cap.

His lips are kind of thin.
His nose is straight.

It's round on the ends.

No one's supposed to know
what God looks like.

-I do.
-You do?

Yeah. In Bible Comics,
they had a picture of him last week.

They're horn-rimmed glasses.
They're plastic ones, you know?

Where would you suppose
he would get his glasses?

I don't know.

-Anywhere he likes.
-Yeah.

Boy, I sure hope my friends are
doing their homework.

This is what God looked like to you?

He's sort of captured the sense...

...I guess.

America, here it is...

...as seen through the eyes
of Jerry Landers.

God.

Dad, you're going to get God arrested.

-You said it would be done by 6:00.
-I'm sorry, but I just got the part.

-Weren't you on the Dinah Show last night?
-Yeah.

Yeah, that was real different.

Excuse me.

How am I supposed to get home now?

Where to, mister?

Get in.

I hope you have a license.

-Did you watch Dinah Shore last night?
-I watch everything.

I got you national exposure.
I hope you're happy.

I could be happier.

How?

For starters, you do a show like that...

...you don't let them put you on
the last few minutes.

That's for fellas who write diet books.

It wasn't up to me.

And what was that drawing thing?

-He was a police artist.
-Man draws crooks.

Makes everybody look like a crook.
Made me look like a second-story man.

-It's publicity.
-I'm used to a little better treatment.

That painting of me by Michelangelo,
that's a picture.

And he did it laying flat on his back.

Now what happens?

Now we see who can still believe,
who wants to, who needs to.

A few million people
saw you last night, right?

A few million?
Some of them will believe you.

Some are going to want to
punch me in the head.

Some will want to fire me.

Some may decide
I'm too crazy to live with.

We can't worry about those.
The ball is rolling.

-Yeah, right over me.
-Don't be a malcontent, I'll watch over you.

While you're watching over me,
would you mind watching the road?

I'd rather watch a nice sunset.

Dinah Shore must get a pretty big rating.

You're on, kid.

-Jerry?
-Yes, God?

You have the strength
that comes from knowing.

Can I have one minute with you?
I have something very important to say.

It just can't wait.

Please, bless my baby.

Touch him, pray for him. Pray for my baby.

If I could just have one second with you....

-It's not for me, it's for you.
-Sanctify my body.

Bless him, make him a true believer!

I have something very important.
This is for you!

-Give me your golden staff.
-I can't!

-God said it's okay.
-I'll tell you this, it's very important!

Officer, could you move
the rest of them along?

Yes, sir.

One little moment, please.
What I have to tell him is--

Okay.

I went to empty the garbage,
and two people blessed me.

Then one of them blessed the garbage.

And then he asked me if our children
were conceived immaculately.

Now, calm down, honey.

The police had to take our kids
to school today.

-They said it was safer.
-That's awful!

Yes, that's awful.
You want to hear awfuller?

Mr. Summers said that Lowell Wilson...

...is personally deciding
whether or not you can keep your job.

Is that awful enough for you?

Now, Bobbie, don't let it get to you.

Don't let it get to me?

Jerry, it's gotten to me! Don't you see?

Jerry, look, you've got him to talk to.

It's just me here,
me and those religious nuts outside!

I have to leave the phone off the hook.

People keep calling up
and asking to talk to God.

Except, of course, for the guy
who offered to chew on my pantyhose!

Telegrams, notes in the mail box
and the doorways.

Today they even put one
in the dog's mouth.

This is from the university.

I've been invited to appear
before a theology group.

-They want to verify the miracle.
-Terrific.

It is! This'll give me credibility,
and God'll get his word across.

It'll help me keep my job.

Mr. Landers,
it is the consensus of this group...

...that you are a person of
little or no theological knowledge.

You have demonstrated, over the years...

...an astonishing lack of interest
in spiritual matters.

It strikes me,
as one who has actually heard his voice...

...that you have virtually no prerequisites
to make direct contact...

-...with the Almighty, whatsoever.
-You've heard him?

He has made his word known to me.

What was he wearing?

I know his word through the scriptures.

It would be blasphemy to suggest...

...that we could describe the Creator
in human terms.

Why?

If He created us...

...why wouldn't he appear to us
as one of us?

Don't you....

Don't you, young man...

...try to teach this assemblage
the role of the Deity.

Rabbi Silverstone,
my good and great friend...

...brother in the work of the Lord, with
whom we have broke bread many times...

...is a pillar of
the American Jew community.

Bishop Reardon represents millions
of Roman Catholics.

Bishop Marcos,
multitudes of Greek Orthodoxers.

Why, we have virtually every
religious persuasion...

...represented here today.

And I personally have been chosen...

...to render the benediction
at this year's Super Bowl.

Mr. Landers, we really find
insufficient documentation...

...to support your claim.

But you're not saying it didn't happen.

No, we are saying
there is insufficient documentation.

Which puts the score at God 7, you 0.

We have decided, however,
out of a sense of fairness...

...and ecclesiastical curiosity...

...to allow you to present us
with certain evidence.

What evidence?

We have assembled a set of questions...

...for you to ask God.

There are 50 questions.

Fifty.

You want me to get God to take a quiz?

Unless you've been concealing
an abundant knowledge--

Which I find highly doubtful.

There are questions there
that you could not possibly answer.

Look, I don't know when...

...or if he'll ever appear again.

As a control measure, you will remain
locked in your hotel room...

...alone.

-Not even my wife?
-No.

There'll be no outside calls, whatsoever.

You could, of course, decline.

But then,
that would form the basis of our report.

God?

-God?
-Room service.

Just put it right around over here, please.

You can't come in. I understand.

Do I need to sign this?

Thank you very much.

-They forgot the ketchup.
-Come in!

They're playing our number.

$11 for a steak? Who would have thought?

With me, cows were an afterthought.
Just to give new mothers a little rest.

-Boy, am I glad to see you.
-Eat. It'll get cold.

Pretty cute.

-What is it?
-They made sure you couldn't answer.

The questions are in the ancient tongue
of Aramaic.

Is that what that is?

They've figured out so many ways to talk
to each other, they're finding nobody can.

Let's see.
"What's the true origin of the universe?

"What is the source of the planet Earth?"
It's a History final, right?

So many repeats.

Eat the steak, and then get a pen.

"Did man fall from grace
in the Garden of Eden?"

I'll tell you something, never came out.
I made Adam 17.

Eve was 15, 16, tops.

I figured then,
16, 17 was middle-age, you know.

Who knew people would live so long?
Trees, I figured they had the best chance.

Now I realize that they were kids, babies.

Young people can't fall from my grace.
They're my best things. Put that down.

-"Which of the world's--"
-Wait.

Okay.

"Which of the world's religions is
the closest to the divine truth?"

The divine truth is not in a building
or a book or a story.

Put down that the heart is the temple
wherein all truth resides.

"Is Jesus Christ the son of God?"

Jesus was my son.

Buddha was my son.

Mohammed, Moses, you...

...the man who said there was
no room in the inn was my son.

So is the one who charges $11 for steak
in this one.

Let's mush on.

What was that last question?

-"Will there--"
-"Will there be a judgment day for man?"

If they mean a doomsday,
an end-of-the-world thing...

...I'm certainly not going to get into that.

But if you want my personal opinion,
I wouldn't look forward to it.

There'd be a lot of yelling,
and I don't need that anymore than you do.

Got that?

Got it.

"What is the meaning of man's existence?"

Life is like a glass of tea.

No, I better not go for laughs.
Voltaire may have had me pegged, right?

He said I was a comedian playing
to an audience who's afraid to laugh.

But seriously,
put down that man and women-persons...

...their existence means
exactly and precisely...

...not more, not one tiny bit less,
just what they think it means.

What I think doesn't count at all.

-That's very profound.
-Sometimes I get lucky.

-Last question.
-Thank God.

You're welcome.

"Why have you chosen
to appear at this time?"

You've already said.

Maybe they want to hear it
in your own words.

I want to say to everyone that everything
around them that they see and smell...

...and feel and hear,
they should delight in all this.

That what is here are
some of my very best ideas.

I want everyone to try very hard...

...to make sure
it doesn't all go down the drain.

Give me, I'll do it.

Can you remember exactly what you said?
It was perfect.

Boy, these answers are
really going to get them.

That's my handwriting!

lmagine that.

Shall I call the panel
and tell them I'm ready?

Never mind the panel.
You deliver those papers to Rev. Williams...

-...the one who looks like a football player.
-I didn't like him.

He's having one of his big dos
at the Shrine Auditorium.

Every time I turn around,
he's spreading the word, my word.

Only, my words he ran out of years ago.
I'll tell you the truth.

The reason I put everybody here naked...

...I wasn't trying to be cute,
I just didn't want to create clothes.

With clothes, there's right away pockets,
and you have to put something in them.

You take these,
and give them to Rev. Bigmouth.

Tell him that God says he's a phony.

Also, tell him if he wants to get rich, fine.
Tell him to sell Earth Shoes.

But personally tell him
I'd like him to shut up. I'll see you.

God?

Yeah?

-Thank you.
-Hope I get an "A."

Love.

Let's talk about love.

What is it?

You can love your brother, can't you?

You can love your wife or your husband.

You can love your new dress.

You can love my new car.

You can pass by a pet shop...

...and say, "I just love
that little doggie in the window."

You can love this, and you can love that.

But what am I talking about?

Some folks say...

...that love is what they saw
in a pornographic movie.

But that is lust, not love.

-Is that what you want?
-No!

-Is that love?
-No!

-Is that what the Bible teaches?
-No!

-Is that what I'm talking about?
-No!

No, because what I'm talking about
is the kind of love...

...that calls for a sacrifice.

Are you willing to make a sacrifice...

...to show God how much you love him?

Yes!

To show God how you love him
with all of your heart and soul?

Yes!

-How do we love God? With all our....
-Hearts!

-How do we love God? With all our....
-Souls!

-Is that what I'm talking about?
-Yes!

Yes, amen, I say, yes!

-Raise your right hand, and say amen!
-Amen!

-Say amen!
-Amen!

And you can show God how you love him...

...by digging down deep...

...so that this ministry will reach
all of the people of the earth!

Because the Bible tells us:

"Show God you love him,
and he will show you the way."

Amen!

Now, I'm going to ask all of you
to come up.

Those of you who haven't come up before...

...I'm going to ask you to come up for God.

Shake my hand,
and let God see us together.

Because the Bible tells us...

...that God knows the falling of a sparrow...

...and the depth of a pocket,
and that is what I'm talking about!

Amen!

Come up, brothers and sisters...

...and put in our hands
what you would put in God's hands...

...and he will have the whole world
in his hands!

"He's got the whole world in his hands

"He's got the whole world in his hands

"He's got the whole world in his hands

"He's got the whole world..."

May the Lord bless and keep you.
It's so good to see you.

You can put that right--

Yes, thank you very much. God bless you.

May the Lord always bless you
and keep you. It's so good to see you.

Thank you, please keep moving.

-Rev. Williams.
-That's all right.

He is in need of me.
What are you doing here?

-God sent me to you.
-One moment!

Ladies and gentlemen,
brothers and sisters...

...this is the young man
who has used so much energy...

...to convince everyone
that he has seen God.

Now, wait!

Would you repeat
what you just said to me?

God sent me to you.

God sent him to me!

-Are you certain of that?
-Yes, I just left him.

He wanted me to give you these answers
to all of those questions.

-God specified me?
-Yes.

And he also asked me to tell you
that he's very unhappy.

God is very unhappy.

Yes, he's unhappy that you're
getting rich this way.

And that he'd like you to stop pretending
that you're spreading his word.

In fact, he suggested that you sell shoes.

That's what he said! You're a fake!

This poor boy is ill.

Get him out of here!

Rev. Williams!

Slander, Your Honor.
Slander, surely, cruel and foul.

The Rev. Willie Williams is
on the road for God...

...to the tune of 100,000 miles a year.

He's a tireless, selfless servant of the Lord.

The idea that he'd line his pockets
in this pursuit is the unkindest cut of all.

Not only is Willie Williams'
organization nonprofit...

...he personally pays over six figures
in income tax every year.

Give him back his honor, Your Honor.

Award him the damages we seek
from this defendant.

A man so out of touch with reality...

...he even tries to smear the good name
of a religious giant.

A man whom the President of
the United States once called...

..."God's own quarterback."

Thank you, Your Honor.

Mr. Landers, will you come
to the bench, please?

-You haven't changed your mind?
-No, sir.

A professional lawyer would be helpful.
This is a tough time for you to be alone.

I won't be alone, sir.

-They're just going to kill you today, Jerry.
-We'll see.

We're going to lose everything
you worked for.

Isn't there any way
you can say you're sorry?

That it was all a big mistake?

No, because I'm not, and it wasn't.

I just can't believe
that God would set me up...

...to get me into all of this trouble.

I have to believe that he had a reason...

...and I have to believe
that he'll bail me out.

And all I want to say is,
that young man is out of his mind.

And the absolute being, the all-powerful,
all-knowing, all-merciful...

...infinite spirit, the supreme soul...

...the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords...

...the infinite, everlasting eternal being...

...last came to you how?

As a busboy.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

You may step down now, Mr. Landers.

Call your witnesses, please, Mr. Landers.

Yes, Your Honor, I would like to call
one witness and one witness only.

I'm waiting, Mr. Landers.

Yes.

Your Honor, I would like to call
to the stand the Lord God.

I object. The defendant's trying
to make a mockery of this proceeding.

Your Honor, I was trying to make a point.

-What point?
-Your Honor...

...when I just asked God
to take the stand...

...in that brief moment after I called him,
wasn't there a trace of expectation?

Just a trace, Your Honor?

Wasn't there a hesitation in this room?
Didn't you feel it?

Didn't we all feel it?

It was the possibility that God does exist.

And if he exists, he could materialize
and sit right in that chair.

In that moment, Your Honor,
when no one in this room knew...

...what was going to happen next,
in that flash of an instant...

...lies the benefit of the doubt you must
give me to know that my story is true.

And that I spoke exactly as God asked me.

Mr. Landers, I cautioned you earlier
that legal representation would be helpful.

I must now warn you that,
in addition to the plaintiff's charges...

...I'm seriously considering
citing you with contempt.

Amen.

For what you apparently thought
was a very clever stunt.

You're getting deeper and deeper
into trouble with this court, Mr. Landers.

Excuse me, Your Honor.

It's him.

Bobbie, it's him.

-This is most irregular.
-Your Honor, he--

I'll take it from here.

May I ask who you are, sir?

You better swear me in.
You'll never believe it.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help me me.

So help you you?

If it pleases the court,
and even if it doesn't please the court...

...I'm God, Your Honor.

Order in the court.

Your Honor, I'd like permission
to question this witness.

Sit down, Sonny,
I've answered enough questions.

He saw me, just like he said.
Each word true.

The man tried to tell a lie,
his tongue would snap off.

Which I wouldn't say
I could say about everybody.

Why is it so hard for you to believe?

Is my physical existence
any more improbable than your own?

What about all that hoo-hah with the devil
a while ago, from that movie?

Nobody had trouble believing
that the devil took over...

...and existed in the little girl.

All she had to do was wet the rug...

...throw up some pea soup,
and everybody believed.

The devil you could believe, but not God?

I work in my own way.
I don't get inside little children.

They got enough to do,
just being themselves.

I'm not going to go around
to every person in the world and say:

"Look, it's me, I want to talk to you."

So I picked one man.

One very good man.

I told him God lives. I live.

He had trouble believing, too,
in the beginning. I understood.

I'm not sure how
this whole miracle business started.

The idea that anything connected with me
has to be a miracle.

Personally, I'm sorry that it did.

It makes the distance between us
even greater.

But if a miracle helps you believe
that I am who I say I am...

...I'll give you one, a good one.

Let me see.
What's my most impressive miracle?

Pick a card.

-What?
-Pick a card, any card.

-I don't know what you think you're doing.
-A cute little miracle. Go ahead, pick one.

-There are no cards there.
-Look again.

There's nothing miraculous
about good sleight of hand.

Have you ever seen this one?

Yes, I've seen them make cards appear
and disappear.

As a matter of fact, I once saw
a magician make an elephant disappear.

Good. Now I'll show you one
that you haven't seen.

Have to get these shoes fixed.

Watch this, Your Honor.

I know how hard it is, in these times,
to have faith.

But maybe if you could have the faith
to start with...

...maybe the times would change.
You could change them. Think about it.

Try. And try not to hurt each other.

There's been enough of that.

It really gets in the way.

I'm a God of very few words,
and Jerry's already given you mine.

However hopeless, helpless,
mixed-up and scary it all gets...

...it can work.

If you find it hard to believe in me...

...maybe it would help you to know
that I believe in you.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

What?

This court is now recessed.

May I see both parties
in my chambers, please?

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

So help you you?

Where's....

Order in the court.

Your Honor, I'd like permission
to question this witness.

That's all there is.

Not one word of what I assume
we all assume we heard.

Someone must have erased it.

Nobody erases tapes anymore.

-Then the machine....
-No. Not a thing wrong with it.

He said he couldn't be recorded.

God, when he first spoke to me,
he said it wasn't his real voice I heard.

He said he was just using one
that I could understand.

He did it again today.

And there's nothing wrong
with your stenotype machine?

It took down every word, Your Honor,
except now...

...some of them are not on the paper.

Don't you see?
He wants us all to decide for ourselves...

...whether or not we saw him
and heard him.

It's what he always said,
that everything is up to us.

No! There is no proof whatsoever
that God was in that courtroom today.

No, none whatsoever.

-We saw Him! We heard Him!
-We did.

-He made himself and the cards disappear.
-We saw it.

On the basis of our common experience
here today...

...I can see why you first claimed,
and later maintained...

...that you had seen,
and been in the actual presence of...

...God.

And for that reason,
your remarks to the Rev. Williams...

...could be regarded
as a divine assignment.

I shall rule, therefore,
that the charge of slander be dismissed.

Sam!

Now, if, as you also claim...

...it is God's opinion...

...that we should all make
our own decisions...

...and abide by them accordingly...

...then I must also rule
that on the basis of the evidence...

...or rather the lack of it...

...that as much as we all may think...

...that what we saw here today was real...

...God did not, in fact,
appear here before us.

You may, of course,
appeal to a higher court.

We heard from the highest court.

Thank you.

-Good-bye, Mister Slavic.
-And Jer, we'll send you your picture.

-Would you do that?
-Sure.

Thank you.

Hello?

-Where are you?
-Turn around.

How do you like it?

I'm going on a trip
to spend a little time with animals.

I like animals, and sometimes
I don't spend enough time with them.

-We failed, didn't we?
-What are you talking? We did terrific.

I gave a message of encouragement,
you passed it along, now we'll see.

You did good. We both did good.
We're covered.

You think anybody got the message?

Do you think we have enough apples
in the world?

Apples?

We got all the apples we need.
You're Johnny Appleseed.

You drop a few seeds, and you move on.
If the seeds are good, they'll take root.

I gave you great seeds, the best.

I lost my job, you know.

There are other cities, other supermarkets.

Everybody thinks I'm a nut.

Galileo, Pasteur, Einstein, Columbus.

You're in good company. Hold on.

Better be going.

-Aren't you coming back?
-No.

-Ever?
-When ever comes, we'll see.

Sometimes, now and then...

...couldn't we just talk?

I'll tell you what. You talk, I'll listen.