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♪ Times have changed ♪
2
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:20,102
♪ And we've oftenRewound the clock ♪
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♪ Since the PuritansGot a shock ♪
4
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:26,108
♪ When they landed onPlymouth Rock ♪
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♪ If today any shockThey should try to stem ♪
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00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:34,700
♪ Instead of landing onPlymouth Rock ♪
7
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♪ Plymouth RockWould land on them ♪
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00:00:43,910 --> 00:00:46,996
♪ In olden daysA glimpse of stocking ♪
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♪ Was looked onAs something shocking ♪
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♪ Now heaven knows ♪
11
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♪ Anything goes ♪
12
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Motherfucking son of a bitch!
13
00:00:56,890 --> 00:01:00,393
♪ Good authors tooWho once knew better words ♪
14
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♪ Now only useFour-letter words ♪
15
00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:07,683
♪ Writing proseAnything goes ♪
16
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♪ Anything ♪
17
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♪ The world has goneMad today ♪
18
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♪ And good's bad todayAnd black's white today ♪
19
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♪ And day's night todayAnd most guys today ♪
20
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♪ That women prize todayAre just silly gigolos ♪
21
00:01:26,870 --> 00:01:29,205
♪ So though I'm notA great romancer ♪
22
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♪ I know thatYou're bound to answer ♪
23
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♪ When I proposeAnything goes ♪
24
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♪ Anything goes ♪
25
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♪ Anything goes ♪
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♪ Anything goes ♪
27
00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:52,728
♪ Anything goes ♪
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♪ Anything goes ♪
29
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♪ Anything goes ♪
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♪ Anything will do ♪
31
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:05,074
♪ Just think of thoseShocks you got ♪
32
00:02:05,074 --> 00:02:08,494
♪ And those knocks you've gotAnd those blues you've got ♪
33
00:02:08,495 --> 00:02:11,214
♪ From that news you've gotAnd those pains you've got ♪
34
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♪ If any brains you've got ♪
35
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,668
♪ From those little radios ♪
36
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♪ So though I'm notA great romancer ♪
37
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,309
♪ I know thatYou're bound to answer ♪
38
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,645
♪ When I propose ♪
39
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,180
♪ Anything goes ♪
40
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:33,269
♪ Anything goes ♪
41
00:02:33,269 --> 00:02:35,688
♪ Anything goes ♪
42
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,541
♪ And it's more than gold ♪
43
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:55,458
♪ That's what you got ♪
44
00:02:55,458 --> 00:02:57,426
♪ Oh, oh ♪
45
00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:59,462
♪ Oh ♪
46
00:02:59,462 --> 00:03:01,547
♪ It ain't easy... ♪
47
00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:09,388
♪ It ain't easy, no ♪
48
00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:10,773
♪ It ain't easy... ♪
49
00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:49,979
Shit.
50
00:03:57,186 --> 00:03:59,188
Hello? Hello?
51
00:03:59,188 --> 00:04:00,689
Hello? Merde!
52
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,414
Here you go.
53
00:04:34,057 --> 00:04:35,441
Hello.
54
00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:37,025
What do you recommend
for a catatonic fit
55
00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:38,727
in a parking garage?
56
00:04:38,728 --> 00:04:41,313
Ask your doctor.
57
00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:42,315
Did you just call a minute ago?
58
00:04:44,317 --> 00:04:46,452
Mm. It must have be Harold.
59
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:48,403
My doctor just canceled.
Can I come over?
60
00:04:48,404 --> 00:04:50,489
You're about
a day and a half early.
61
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,992
I just got in. I don't think
I'm ready for you yet.
62
00:04:52,992 --> 00:04:54,877
Why did the prick cancel?
63
00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:55,961
Oh, a virus or something.
64
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,580
He said he was
just too sick.
65
00:04:57,580 --> 00:04:59,465
Why didn't you tell him
you're sicker than he is?
66
00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:01,250
Huh. He already knows that.
67
00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:04,136
Okay, come on over.
And bring some ice.
68
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,722
Oh, Michael, don't give me
any responsibility.
69
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,725
At the moment, I can't
cope with anything weightier
70
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,560
than the directions
to your apartment.
71
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,645
Look, if you want a cold martini
when you get over here,
72
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,263
you better cope
with some ice.
73
00:05:14,263 --> 00:05:15,731
I'll cope with some ice.
74
00:05:16,599 --> 00:05:18,434
I thought you said
I was too early.
75
00:05:18,434 --> 00:05:20,519
You heard what I said.
You're too early, and hurry up.
76
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:21,521
Goodbye-aye-aye.
77
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:28,661
Seventy-five.
78
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:32,665
Keep it.
79
00:05:52,635 --> 00:05:53,636
How'd you get in?
80
00:05:53,636 --> 00:05:56,305
The street door was open.
Want a drink?
81
00:05:56,305 --> 00:05:58,890
Nope. Not until
I've had my shower.
82
00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:00,392
I want something
to work out today.
83
00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:03,362
I wanna try to relax
and enjoy something.
84
00:06:10,903 --> 00:06:13,155
I see you managed
to cope with Doubleday.
85
00:06:13,156 --> 00:06:14,740
Or did you meet
a bookmobile on the way?
86
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:16,709
Ha, ha, ha.
87
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:17,793
Excuse me.
88
00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:22,465
Are you in a blue funk
because of the doctor?
89
00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:23,916
Christ, no.
90
00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:25,500
I was depressed
long before I got there.
91
00:06:25,501 --> 00:06:27,002
Well, this'll
pick you up.
92
00:06:27,003 --> 00:06:30,089
I went shopping today and
bought all kinds of goodies:
93
00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:31,590
sandalwood soap...
94
00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:33,309
Oh, I feel better already.
95
00:06:33,309 --> 00:06:34,893
Your very own toothbrush,
96
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:36,896
because I'm sick to death
of you using mine.
97
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,898
Well, how do you think
I feel?
98
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,399
You've had worse things
in your mouth.
99
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,903
And also for you,
something called Control.
100
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,404
Now, notice.
101
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,407
Nowhere on the label
is it called hair spray.
102
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,908
Just simply Control.
103
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:51,410
And the words "for men"
are written about 37 times
104
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,912
all over the goddamn can.
105
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:55,364
Hm. And it's called
butch assurance.
106
00:06:55,364 --> 00:06:56,448
Still hair spray,
107
00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:58,250
no matter if
they call it "Balls."
108
00:06:59,535 --> 00:07:02,120
It's all on your very own shelf,
which is to be labeled
109
00:07:02,121 --> 00:07:03,922
"Donald's Saturday Night
Douche Kit."
110
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:08,677
By the way, are you
spending the night?
111
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,429
Nope. I'm driving back.
112
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,632
Why didn't the prick
call you and cancel?
113
00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:15,551
Suppose you'd driven
all this way for nothing?
114
00:07:15,551 --> 00:07:17,769
Why do you keep
calling him a prick?
115
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,355
Whoever heard of an analyst
having a session with a patient
116
00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:22,808
for two hours
on Saturday evening.
117
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:24,727
He simply prefers
to take Mondays off.
118
00:07:24,727 --> 00:07:27,813
Works late Saturdays
and takes Mondays off?
119
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:30,449
What is he, a psychiatrist
or a hairdresser?
120
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,534
Well, actually, he's both.
121
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:34,370
He shrinks my head
and then combs me out.
122
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:36,622
Besides, I had to
come in town
123
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:37,623
to a birthday
party anyway.
124
00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,625
Right?
You had to remind me.
125
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:42,628
If there's one thing
I'm not ready for,
126
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:46,131
it's five screaming queens
singing "Happy Birthday."
127
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,633
Who's coming?
128
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,468
Well, they're really
all Harold's friends.
129
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,304
It's his birthday,
and I want everything to be
130
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,805
just the way he'd want it.
131
00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:54,807
I don't wanna have to
listen to him kvetch about how
132
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,308
"Nobody ever does anything
133
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,893
for anybody but themselves."
134
00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,478
"Himself."
135
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,480
Himself.
136
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:03,482
I think you know
everybody anyway.
137
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:06,151
It's the same old
tired fairies
138
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,653
you've seen around
since the day one.
139
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:13,025
Actually, there'll be seven,
counting Harold and you. And me.
140
00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:16,495
Are you calling me a screaming
queen or a tired fairy?
141
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,581
I beg your pardon.
142
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,583
There'll be six tired,
screaming fairy queens
143
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,001
and one anxious queer.
144
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,372
Listen, I'll be out of
your way in one second.
145
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:29,208
I've just got
one more thing to do here.
146
00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:31,460
Surgery, so early
in the evening?
147
00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:32,544
"Cunt."
148
00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:35,014
That's French, with a cedilla.
149
00:08:35,965 --> 00:08:37,967
I just have to
comb my hair again.
150
00:08:37,967 --> 00:08:39,435
For the 37th time.
151
00:08:40,386 --> 00:08:43,389
Hair. That's singular.
152
00:08:43,389 --> 00:08:44,890
My hair,
without exaggeration,
153
00:08:44,891 --> 00:08:46,809
is clearly falling
on the floor, baby.
154
00:08:46,809 --> 00:08:48,477
And fast.
155
00:08:48,477 --> 00:08:50,562
You're totally paranoid.
You've got plenty of hair.
156
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:52,281
No. What you see
before you
157
00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:54,783
is a masterpiece
of deception.
158
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,819
My hairline
starts about here.
159
00:08:56,819 --> 00:08:58,904
All this is just
tortured forward.
160
00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:01,407
Well, I hope for your sake,
no strong wind comes up.
161
00:09:02,825 --> 00:09:05,327
Well, if one does,
I'll be in terrible trouble.
162
00:09:05,328 --> 00:09:09,248
I will then have a bald head
and shoulder-length fringe.
163
00:09:09,248 --> 00:09:10,832
Look.
164
00:09:10,833 --> 00:09:12,334
Not good, huh?
165
00:09:12,335 --> 00:09:14,303
Hm. Not the greatest.
Tsk.
166
00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:15,671
It's called getting old.
167
00:09:18,007 --> 00:09:20,509
Well, there's one thing
to be said for masturbation:
168
00:09:20,509 --> 00:09:22,477
you certainly don't have to
look your best.
169
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:24,012
Oh. Will you get
out of here?
170
00:09:28,684 --> 00:09:30,769
What are you
so depressed about?
171
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:32,822
Other than the usual
everything, I mean.
172
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:35,274
I really don't wanna
get into it.
173
00:09:35,274 --> 00:09:36,608
Well, if you're
not gonna tell me,
174
00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:38,827
how can we have
a conversation in-depth?
175
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,163
A warm, rewarding,
meaningful friendship?
176
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,998
Up yours!
177
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:45,501
Why, Captain Butler, how you talk.
178
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:47,419
It's just that, today,
I finally realized
179
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,922
that I was raised
to be a failure.
180
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:52,174
I was groomed for it.
181
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:54,759
Naturally, it all goes
back to Evelyn and Walt.
182
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,762
Christ. How sick analysts
must get of hearing
183
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:59,631
how Mama and Daddy made
their darling into a fairy.
184
00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:01,684
It's beyond just that now.
185
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:03,719
Today, I finally began to see
186
00:10:03,719 --> 00:10:06,722
how some of the other pieces
of the puzzle relate to them.
187
00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:10,192
Like why I never
finished anything
188
00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:12,777
I've started in my life.
189
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:15,864
My neurotic compulsion
to not succeed.
190
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,067
Donald, you're
so serious this evening.
191
00:10:20,569 --> 00:10:23,071
♪ Forget your troubles
Come on, get happy ♪
192
00:10:23,072 --> 00:10:25,407
♪ You better chase
All your cares away ♪
193
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:29,711
What's more boring than a queen
194
00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,547
doing a Judy Garland imitation?
195
00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:34,499
A queen doing
a Bette Davis imitation.
196
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:39,805
Meanwhile, back at
the Evelyn and Walt syndrome.
197
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,923
Failure is the only thing
with which I feel at home,
198
00:10:41,924 --> 00:10:45,143
because...that's what
I was taught at home.
199
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,026
Where did you get
that sweater?
200
00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:03,112
This clever little shop
on the Right Bank called Hermès.
201
00:11:03,112 --> 00:11:06,281
I work my ass off
for 45 lousy dollars a week,
202
00:11:06,282 --> 00:11:07,866
scrubbing floors,
and you waltz around
203
00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:09,251
throwing cashmere sweaters on.
204
00:11:10,119 --> 00:11:12,204
The one on the floor
in the john is vicuña.
205
00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:13,672
Why, I beg your pardon.
206
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:16,625
You can get a job doing
something else, you know.
207
00:11:16,625 --> 00:11:20,045
Nobody's holding a gun
to your head to be a charwoman.
208
00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:22,048
And that is, how you say,
your neurosis.
209
00:11:22,048 --> 00:11:24,383
Gee, and I thought
it's why I was born.
210
00:11:24,383 --> 00:11:26,468
Besides, just because
I wear expensive clothes
211
00:11:26,469 --> 00:11:28,220
does not necessarily mean
they're paid for.
212
00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:30,605
Oh, that is, how you say,
your neurosis.
213
00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:34,192
I'm a spoiled brat. So, what
do I know about maturity?
214
00:11:36,145 --> 00:11:38,197
The only thing "mature" means
to me is Victor Mature.
215
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:42,150
I can understand people having
an affinity for the stage,
216
00:11:42,151 --> 00:11:45,287
but movies are such garbage,
who can take them seriously?
217
00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:48,323
Well, I'm sorry if
your sense of art is offended.
218
00:11:48,324 --> 00:11:49,875
Odd as it may seem,
219
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:53,078
there was no Shubert Theatre
in Hot Coffee, Mississippi.
220
00:11:53,079 --> 00:11:55,664
However, thanks to
the silver screen,
221
00:11:55,664 --> 00:11:58,667
your neurosis has got...style.
222
00:11:58,667 --> 00:12:00,168
It takes a certain flair
223
00:12:00,169 --> 00:12:03,672
to squander one's unemployment
check at Pavilion.
224
00:12:03,672 --> 00:12:06,257
What's so snappy about being
head over heels in debt?
225
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,762
The only thing smart about it
is the ingenious ways
226
00:12:09,762 --> 00:12:11,764
I dodge the bill collectors.
227
00:12:13,015 --> 00:12:14,516
Come to think of it,
you're the type
228
00:12:14,517 --> 00:12:16,602
that gives faggots
a bad name.
229
00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:18,687
And you, Donald...
230
00:12:18,687 --> 00:12:21,189
you are a credit
to the homosexual.
231
00:12:21,190 --> 00:12:22,691
A reliable, hardworking,
232
00:12:22,691 --> 00:12:24,192
floor-scrubbing,
233
00:12:24,193 --> 00:12:27,246
bill-paying fag, who don't
owe nothin' to nobody.
234
00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,031
I am a model fairy.
235
00:12:30,282 --> 00:12:31,783
You think it's just nifty...
236
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:34,286
how I've always flitted
from Beverly Hills
237
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:37,839
to Rome to Acapulco
to Amsterdam...
238
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,542
picking up a lot of
one night stands.
239
00:12:40,543 --> 00:12:43,629
And a lot of custom-made duds
along the trail.
240
00:12:46,132 --> 00:12:47,633
Well, I'm here to tell you
241
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,635
that the only place
in all those miles--
242
00:12:49,635 --> 00:12:52,554
The only place I've ever been
happy was on the goddamn plane.
243
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,693
Run, charge,
run.
244
00:12:57,693 --> 00:12:59,277
Borrow, make.
245
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,783
Spend...run.
246
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,071
Waste, waste, waste.
247
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,126
And why?
248
00:13:18,664 --> 00:13:20,465
And why?
249
00:13:25,921 --> 00:13:27,889
Fini. Applause.
250
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,400
There's nothing
quite as good
251
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,402
as feeling sorry
for yourself, is there?
252
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:46,408
Nothing.
253
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,912
I adore cheap sentiment.
254
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:13,135
Backstage, New Moon.
255
00:14:14,637 --> 00:14:17,139
Alan. My God!
I don't believe it.
256
00:14:17,139 --> 00:14:18,440
How are you?
257
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,525
Uh, listen, Michael,
w-what are you doing tonight?
258
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,110
Oh, I'm all tied up tonight.
259
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,445
Uh, no, tonight's
no good for me.
260
00:14:24,813 --> 00:14:25,814
Oh, I'm all tied up too,
261
00:14:25,814 --> 00:14:27,315
but I...
262
00:14:27,316 --> 00:14:29,117
I thought I might just
drop by for a drink?
263
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,453
Oh, you mean now?
264
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,456
Oh, um...
265
00:14:34,456 --> 00:14:37,959
well, Alan,
old buddy, um...
266
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,461
well, you see,
it's a friend's birthday,
267
00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:41,463
and I'm having some people in.
268
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:44,466
I'm sorry I can't ask you
to join us,
269
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:46,251
but I'm afraid it just
wouldn't work out, kiddo.
270
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:48,670
Is it place cards?
271
00:14:48,671 --> 00:14:50,756
No, it's not. It's just--
272
00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:53,225
Oh, well, I'd hate to see you
for just for ten minutes.
273
00:14:54,677 --> 00:14:56,679
Oh, Mickey, please.
274
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,316
Alan? What's wrong?
275
00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:07,105
Mickey, I've gotta see you
about something right away.
276
00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:10,192
W-well, um-- Now, look, um--
Come on over.
277
00:15:11,694 --> 00:15:13,195
Oh, no. That's
perfectly okay.
278
00:15:13,195 --> 00:15:15,947
Um...just come on over,
and we'll have a quick drink.
279
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:18,033
It's the same old address?
280
00:15:20,035 --> 00:15:21,036
Okay.
281
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,599
Well, am I stunning?
282
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,184
You're absolutely
stunning.
283
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,136
You look like shit,
but I'm absolutely stunned.
284
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,473
Your grapes are,
how you say, sour?
285
00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:43,391
Listen, you won't believe
what just happened.
286
00:15:43,392 --> 00:15:44,893
Hey, where's my drink?
Oh, I didn't make it.
287
00:15:44,893 --> 00:15:46,394
I've been
on the phone.
288
00:15:46,395 --> 00:15:48,897
It was my old roommate
from Georgetown just called.
289
00:15:48,897 --> 00:15:50,398
Oh, Alan, um,
what's-his-name?
290
00:15:50,399 --> 00:15:52,901
McCarthy. He's up here
from Washington.
291
00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:53,902
On business or something.
292
00:15:53,902 --> 00:15:55,403
And he's on
his way over here.
293
00:15:55,404 --> 00:15:57,906
Well, I hope he knows
the lyrics to "Happy Birthday."
294
00:15:57,906 --> 00:15:59,908
Listen, asshole,
what am I gonna do?
295
00:15:59,908 --> 00:16:00,909
He's straight.
296
00:16:00,909 --> 00:16:02,744
Square City.
297
00:16:02,745 --> 00:16:04,580
I mean, he's really terribly proper.
298
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:06,081
Awfully good family.
299
00:16:06,081 --> 00:16:08,083
Oh, that's so important.
300
00:16:08,083 --> 00:16:10,802
I mean, his family looks down on people in the theater.
301
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:11,887
So, what do you think
he'll feel about
302
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:13,889
this freak show I've got
booked in for dinner?
303
00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:15,891
Oh, Christ,
is that good.
304
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:17,392
He really lost his spring
on the telephone.
305
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,396
He started crying. And
that's not his style at all.
306
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,898
He's so goddamn pulled together,
he wouldn't show any emotion
307
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:24,182
if he was in a plane crash.
308
00:16:25,434 --> 00:16:26,935
What am I gonna do?
309
00:16:26,935 --> 00:16:29,354
Are you suddenly ashamed
of your friends?
310
00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:32,241
Donald, you are the only person
I know whom I'm truly ashamed.
311
00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:34,826
Now, look, some people have
different standards,
312
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:35,911
and we have to
acknowledge them.
313
00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:37,913
You know what you are,
Michael?
314
00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:39,831
You're a real person.
315
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,200
Thank you, and fuck you.
316
00:16:43,452 --> 00:16:45,504
Want some cracked crab?
No thanks.
317
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,006
How could you ever
have been friends
318
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,675
with a bore
like that?
319
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,259
Well, believe it or not,
there was a time in my life
320
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,879
when I didn't go around
announcing that I was a faggot.
321
00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:56,882
Well, that must have been before
speech replaced sign language.
322
00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:58,967
Now, don't give me
any static on that score.
323
00:16:58,967 --> 00:17:01,352
I did not come out until after
I graduated from college.
324
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:03,938
It seems to me,
the first time we tricked,
325
00:17:03,939 --> 00:17:06,441
we met in a gay bar
on Third Avenue,
326
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,644
during your, uh,
junior year.
327
00:17:08,644 --> 00:17:09,778
Cunt.
328
00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:11,729
Oh, I thought
you'd never say it.
329
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:13,364
Are you sure you don't want
some cracked crab?
330
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:16,317
Not yet. If you don't mind.
331
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,956
Might know you'd be
working the streets.
332
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:25,127
You want my body, you're
gonna have to pay for it.
333
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,545
The last time
I saw a leg like that,
334
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:28,129
it had a message
attached to it.
335
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:29,414
Get in.
336
00:17:30,666 --> 00:17:34,169
Hi, big boy.
You like Chinese laundress?
337
00:17:34,169 --> 00:17:35,170
Heh, heh.
Hello, Emory.
338
00:17:35,170 --> 00:17:36,671
No tickee,
no nooky.
339
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,228
Well, that's all we need,
for it to rain.
340
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,232
You want some more
club soda?
341
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,734
What?
342
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,019
There's nothing but
club soda in that glass.
343
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,823
I've been watching you
for several Saturdays now.
344
00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:57,492
You've actually stopped
drinking, haven't you?
345
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,944
And smoking too.
346
00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:01,029
How long's it been?
347
00:18:01,029 --> 00:18:02,113
Five weeks.
348
00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:05,117
That's amazing.
I've found God.
349
00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:06,618
Or is God dead?
350
00:18:06,618 --> 00:18:08,620
Yes. Thank God.
351
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:11,205
I could always tell when
you were getting high.
352
00:18:11,206 --> 00:18:12,707
One way.
353
00:18:12,708 --> 00:18:14,209
I'd get hostile.
354
00:18:14,209 --> 00:18:16,344
What made you stop?
The analyst?
355
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:18,930
Well...certainly had
a lot to do with it.
356
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:22,717
But mainly, I just didn't
think I could survive
357
00:18:22,718 --> 00:18:24,686
another hangover,
that's all.
358
00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:26,220
Didn't think I could
get through one more
359
00:18:26,221 --> 00:18:27,972
morning-after
ick attack.
360
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:30,525
"Morning-after" what?
Icks.
361
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,561
Anxiety. Guilt.
362
00:18:32,561 --> 00:18:34,062
Hm.
363
00:18:34,062 --> 00:18:35,563
From that split second
when your eyes pop open,
364
00:18:35,564 --> 00:18:37,065
and you say,
365
00:18:37,065 --> 00:18:39,567
"My God, what did I do
last night?"
366
00:18:39,568 --> 00:18:41,570
And then suddenly,
zap.
367
00:18:41,570 --> 00:18:43,071
Total recall.
368
00:18:43,071 --> 00:18:44,072
Tell me
about it.
369
00:18:44,072 --> 00:18:46,574
And then that struggle
to survive until lunchtime,
370
00:18:46,575 --> 00:18:48,710
when you have
a double bloody mary.
371
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:50,411
That is, if you've
waited till lunch.
372
00:18:51,747 --> 00:18:53,248
And then you're half pissed
and useless
373
00:18:53,248 --> 00:18:54,716
for the rest of
the afternoon.
374
00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:56,751
So you hang on
till cocktail time.
375
00:18:56,752 --> 00:18:59,254
And by then, you're ready
for what the evening holds,
376
00:18:59,254 --> 00:19:01,256
which hopefully
is another party,
377
00:19:01,256 --> 00:19:04,259
where the whole goddamn cycle
starts all over again.
378
00:19:05,761 --> 00:19:08,930
Yeah, well, I've been on that
merry-go-round long enough.
379
00:19:08,931 --> 00:19:12,985
And I either had to get off
or die of centrifugal force.
380
00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:18,073
Joe College has
finally arrived.
381
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:19,657
And suddenly,
I've gotten such icks.
382
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:22,243
Oh, um-- Now, Donald,
when he gets up here--
383
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:24,829
Michael, don't insult me
by giving me any lecture
384
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,948
on acceptable social behavior.
385
00:19:26,949 --> 00:19:29,001
I promise to sit with
my legs spread apart
386
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,585
and keep my voice
in a deep register.
387
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:33,622
Donald, you are
a real card-carrying cunt.
388
00:19:43,465 --> 00:19:46,134
All right, this is a raid.
Everyone's under arrest.
389
00:19:46,134 --> 00:19:50,221
Hi, darling. Connie Casserole.
Oh, Mary, don't ask.
390
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:52,107
Hello, Emory. Put
that in the kitchen. Okay.
391
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,609
Hello, Larry. How are you?
392
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,194
Are we the first?
No, you're not.
393
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:59,198
Who is this exotic
woman over here?
394
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,699
Hi, Emory.
395
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,200
My dear, I thought
you'd perished.
396
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,202
Where have you
been hiding
397
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,870
your classically chiseled
features?
398
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:05,954
I don't live
in the city anymore.
399
00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:07,705
Emory, where's your gift?
400
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,791
Oh. It's arriving later.
401
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,629
Larry. Larry.
402
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,080
What?
Give Michael the gift.
403
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,631
Oh, here.
404
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:17,633
Uh, louder,
so my mother
405
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,134
in Philadelphia
can hear you.
406
00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:21,636
Well, you were just standing
there in a trance, weren't you?
407
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:22,671
Um, I think
you both know Donald.
408
00:20:22,671 --> 00:20:24,255
Nice to see you.
It's nice to meet you.
409
00:20:24,256 --> 00:20:25,257
Hi.
Hi.
410
00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:26,341
I thought
you'd met.
411
00:20:26,341 --> 00:20:28,426
Well, we haven't
exactly met, but we've--
412
00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:28,977
Hi.
Hi.
413
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:30,511
But you've what?
414
00:20:30,512 --> 00:20:31,596
Oh, we've seen
each other before.
415
00:20:31,597 --> 00:20:33,599
Well, that sounds murky.
Where?
416
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:36,101
I think they're having
their first fight.
417
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:38,103
Yeah. The first one
since the last one. Oh.
418
00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:40,271
Where did you find
this trash?
419
00:20:40,272 --> 00:20:42,741
Second Avenue. Leaning
against a lamppost.
420
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:44,325
With an orchid
behind my ear,
421
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:46,328
and big red lips
painted over the lip line.
422
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:47,829
Just like Maria Montez.
423
00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:49,831
Oh, please.
424
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:52,834
What have you got against Maria?
She was a good woman.
425
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,418
Now, look,
uh, everybody.
426
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,839
Uh, this old college friend
of mine is in town,
427
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:58,923
and he's on his way
over here,
428
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,927
for a quick drink on his way
to dinner or someplace.
429
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,678
But, now, look,
he's straight.
430
00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:05,764
Straight?
If he's the one I met,
431
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:07,849
he's about as straight as
the Yellow Brick Road.
432
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:09,433
No. You met
Justin Stuart.
433
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,886
I don't remember meeting
anybody named Justin Stuart.
434
00:21:11,887 --> 00:21:13,638
Well, of course you don't,
dope. I met him.
435
00:21:13,639 --> 00:21:14,723
Uh, well, this is
somebody else.
436
00:21:14,723 --> 00:21:18,226
Yeah. Alan McCarthy.
A very close total stranger.
437
00:21:18,226 --> 00:21:19,227
Now, it's not that
I care what
438
00:21:19,227 --> 00:21:21,229
he would think
of me. Really.
439
00:21:21,229 --> 00:21:23,731
It's just that he's not ready
for it, and he never will be.
440
00:21:23,732 --> 00:21:25,450
You understand that,
don't you, Hank?
441
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:26,951
Yeah, sure.
442
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:29,487
Now, you honestly believe
he doesn't know about you?
443
00:21:29,488 --> 00:21:31,072
Well, if there's
the slightest suspicion,
444
00:21:31,073 --> 00:21:32,157
he's never
let on one bit.
445
00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:33,158
What's he had? A lobotomy?
446
00:21:34,576 --> 00:21:36,661
Well, I was super-careful
when I was in college.
447
00:21:36,662 --> 00:21:38,163
And I still am.
448
00:21:38,163 --> 00:21:41,666
Whenever I see him.
I don't know why, but I am.
449
00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:43,301
Tilt.
450
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,387
When I was in college, I was just like Alan:
451
00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:47,472
very large in
the dating department.
452
00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:50,558
I wore nothing but those
constipated Ivy League clothes,
453
00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,561
and those ten-pound
cordovan shoe--
454
00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:55,063
No offense.
455
00:21:55,063 --> 00:21:57,181
Quite all right.
Quite all right.
456
00:21:57,182 --> 00:21:59,434
Who do you have to fuck
to get a drink around here?
457
00:21:59,434 --> 00:22:00,852
Ah. Will you light
somewhere?
458
00:22:02,437 --> 00:22:04,021
I know damn well
I did not come out
459
00:22:04,022 --> 00:22:05,490
until after I graduated.
460
00:22:05,490 --> 00:22:07,525
What about all those weekends
up from school?
461
00:22:07,526 --> 00:22:09,110
Well, I still
wasn't out.
462
00:22:09,111 --> 00:22:12,614
I was still in the "Christ-was-
I-drunk-last-night" syndrome.
463
00:22:12,614 --> 00:22:15,116
Mm. "Man, was I drunk
last night."
464
00:22:15,117 --> 00:22:17,202
"Christ, I don't
remember a thing."
465
00:22:17,202 --> 00:22:18,286
You were just guilty
because
466
00:22:18,286 --> 00:22:20,087
you were Catholic,
that's all.
467
00:22:20,088 --> 00:22:21,122
Now, that's not true.
468
00:22:21,123 --> 00:22:23,125
The "Christ-was-I-drunk-
last-night" syndrome
469
00:22:23,125 --> 00:22:25,677
knows no religion.
It has to do with immaturity.
470
00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:26,678
Although I will admit,
471
00:22:26,678 --> 00:22:28,680
there's a high percentage
of it among Mormons.
472
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:29,547
Trollop.
473
00:22:30,966 --> 00:22:33,969
Ah, somehow we all managed
to justify our actions
474
00:22:33,969 --> 00:22:34,970
in those days.
475
00:22:34,970 --> 00:22:37,472
Why, later, I found out
that Justin Stuart,
476
00:22:37,472 --> 00:22:39,974
my closet friend--
Oh, other than Alan McCarthy.
477
00:22:39,975 --> 00:22:41,943
--was doing the same thing.
478
00:22:41,943 --> 00:22:44,312
Only he was going up
to Boston for weekends.
479
00:22:44,312 --> 00:22:46,647
You see, in the "Christ-was-I-
drunk-last-night" syndrome,
480
00:22:46,648 --> 00:22:48,149
you really are drunk.
That much of it's true.
481
00:22:48,150 --> 00:22:50,152
It's just that you do
remember everything.
482
00:22:50,152 --> 00:22:53,655
A lot of guys have to get loaded
before they can have sex.
483
00:22:53,655 --> 00:22:55,373
Oh, uh, so I've been told.
484
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:58,160
Uh, Donald, if you recall, the first time we made it,
485
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,378
I was so drunk,
I could hardly stand up.
486
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:01,963
You were so drunk,
you could hardly get it up.
487
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,967
Christ, I was so drunk,
I don't remember a thing.
488
00:23:05,967 --> 00:23:07,468
Oh, bullshit. You remember.
489
00:23:07,469 --> 00:23:10,388
♪ Just friends
Lovers no more ♪
490
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,758
You might as well be.
Everyone thinks you are anyway.
491
00:23:12,758 --> 00:23:14,843
Yeah, well,
we never were, really.
492
00:23:14,843 --> 00:23:16,344
No, we didn't
have time to be.
493
00:23:16,344 --> 00:23:17,845
We got to know
each other too fast.
494
00:23:19,347 --> 00:23:21,015
Oh, Jesus, that must be Alan.
495
00:23:21,016 --> 00:23:23,518
Oh, um, now, look, everybody.
Please do me a favor
496
00:23:23,518 --> 00:23:25,653
and cool it for
the few minutes he's here. Okay?
497
00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:27,939
Anything for a sis, Mary.
498
00:23:27,939 --> 00:23:30,024
Now, that's exactly what
I'm talking about, Emory.
499
00:23:30,025 --> 00:23:31,076
No camping.
500
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:32,660
Sorry.
501
00:23:32,661 --> 00:23:34,663
Think the Giants are gonna win
the pennant this year?
502
00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:35,664
Yeah, fuckin' A,
mac.
503
00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,418
Hey, Bernard.
Hey, baby. What's shaking?
504
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:41,586
My knees.
505
00:23:41,586 --> 00:23:44,338
Oh, it's only another queen.
506
00:23:44,339 --> 00:23:45,423
And it ain't
the red one, either.
507
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:46,925
It's the queen
of spades.
508
00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:50,929
Hi, Bernadette.
Anyone ever tell you
509
00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:52,430
you'd look divine
in a hammock
510
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:53,432
surrounded by
louvers
511
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:54,933
and ceiling fans
and lots and lots
512
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:56,935
of lush
tropical ferns?
513
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:57,936
You're such a fag.
514
00:23:57,936 --> 00:23:59,687
You take the cake.
515
00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:01,773
Oh, what about the cake?
Whose job was that?
516
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:03,775
Mine. I ordered one
to be delivered. What?
517
00:24:03,775 --> 00:24:05,276
How many candles did you say
to put on it? Eighty?
518
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:07,779
I can't hear, there's noise.
I'm going to the other phone.
519
00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:09,447
Michael? May I use the private line?
520
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:11,817
Go ahead.
521
00:24:17,906 --> 00:24:20,959
Could I have the number for the Marseilles Bakery in Manhattan?
522
00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:22,543
Everybody ready for a drink?
I guess so.
523
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:25,797
Ready? I'll be your
topless cocktail waitress.
524
00:24:25,797 --> 00:24:27,331
Please. Spare us the sight
of your sagging tits.
525
00:24:28,333 --> 00:24:29,717
What are you having, kids?
526
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:31,302
Do you have any beer?
No, in the fridge.
527
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:33,305
I'll get it.
Who has beer before dinner?
528
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:35,307
Beer drinkers.
That's telling him.
529
00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:37,809
Well, maybe truck drivers do,
or wall paperers,
530
00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:39,811
but not schoolteachers.
They have sherry.
531
00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:41,813
Yeah? Well, this one
has beer.
532
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:44,515
Maybe schoolteachers
in public schools.
533
00:24:46,351 --> 00:24:48,353
How can a sensitive
artist like you
534
00:24:48,353 --> 00:24:50,355
live with such an insensitive
bull like that?
535
00:24:50,355 --> 00:24:51,856
I can't.
Emory, you'd live with Hank
536
00:24:51,857 --> 00:24:54,359
in a minute if he'd ask you.
In 58 seconds.
537
00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:55,860
Lord knows
you're sensitive.
538
00:24:55,861 --> 00:24:58,864
Why don't you have a piece
of watermelon and hush up?
539
00:24:58,864 --> 00:25:00,665
Oh, shit, they don't answer.
540
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:01,749
Well, what are
you having, Emory?
541
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,168
A pink lady.
542
00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:05,253
I'll make my own,
thank you.
543
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:10,342
Well, let's just hope.
544
00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:11,843
Order, please.
545
00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:14,345
Um...vodka and tonic.
546
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:16,431
Vod and ton, coming up.
547
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:26,941
What the hell
is that? Windex?
548
00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:30,312
It's a blue whale.
Oh, Mary, don't ask.
549
00:25:30,312 --> 00:25:33,365
Don't be silly, Alan. There's
nothing to apologize for.
550
00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:36,451
Well, it's just that
I feel like such a fool. I--
551
00:25:36,451 --> 00:25:39,070
I could shoot myself,
letting myself act that way.
552
00:25:39,070 --> 00:25:40,654
Look, it's just as well
that you're not coming.
553
00:25:40,655 --> 00:25:43,124
There are people here, and, uh,
it wouldn't be good to talk.
554
00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:44,575
Look, what about
lunch tomorrow?
555
00:25:44,576 --> 00:25:47,662
Fine. Why don't you, uh--
556
00:25:48,663 --> 00:25:50,164
Why don't you meet me
at the--
557
00:25:50,165 --> 00:25:51,666
The Oak Room, about 1:00?
558
00:25:54,169 --> 00:25:56,671
And listen, Michael...
559
00:25:56,671 --> 00:25:58,673
can you just
forget about tonight?
560
00:25:58,673 --> 00:26:01,142
Pretend it never happened?
I know I have, okay?
561
00:26:19,194 --> 00:26:20,195
♪ Listen, huh ♪
562
00:26:20,195 --> 00:26:21,696
Hey, Bernard?
563
00:26:21,696 --> 00:26:23,197
♪ You've got to seeAnd don't see ♪
564
00:26:23,198 --> 00:26:25,700
That's exactly what we need,
is some music around here.
565
00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:27,702
♪ You've got to hearAnd don't hear ♪
566
00:26:27,702 --> 00:26:29,704
Yeah, baby. Let's
hear that sound.
567
00:26:31,039 --> 00:26:34,542
The drum beat. And their
eyes sparkle like Cartiers.
568
00:26:34,542 --> 00:26:35,543
Here.
Oh.
569
00:26:35,543 --> 00:26:37,545
Don't get those
mixed up with mine.
570
00:26:37,545 --> 00:26:39,046
He's not coming.
571
00:26:39,047 --> 00:26:40,548
He'll never know
what he missed.
572
00:26:40,548 --> 00:26:41,549
You know, one of
these days,
573
00:26:41,549 --> 00:26:43,050
you're gonna get
my ass fired.
574
00:26:43,051 --> 00:26:45,553
Hey, thanks, Bernard.
I just read a review of this
575
00:26:45,553 --> 00:26:46,554
in last Sunday's Times.
576
00:26:46,554 --> 00:26:48,556
Just be careful of
the finger smudges.
577
00:26:48,556 --> 00:26:51,058
And no cigarette ashes
on the pages. Sorry.
578
00:26:51,059 --> 00:26:53,061
I didn't know Doubleday's
had a lending library.
579
00:26:53,061 --> 00:26:54,562
Well, they
don't. Hm. Oh.
580
00:26:54,562 --> 00:26:56,063
Well, anyway, looks
like you're stocked up
581
00:26:56,064 --> 00:26:57,565
for the summer, here.
582
00:26:57,565 --> 00:26:59,567
Are you kidding? Last week,
he did the complete works
583
00:26:59,567 --> 00:27:02,570
of Doris Lessing.
That'll last him two days.
584
00:27:02,570 --> 00:27:03,571
It would
last me two years.
585
00:27:03,571 --> 00:27:05,573
I still haven't finished
Atlas Shrugged,
586
00:27:05,573 --> 00:27:07,074
which I started in 1912.
587
00:27:07,075 --> 00:27:09,077
Some people eat, some drink,
and some take drugs.
588
00:27:09,077 --> 00:27:10,078
Yeah, well,
I read.
589
00:27:10,078 --> 00:27:12,080
And read
and read and read.
590
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,582
It's a wonder your eyes
don't turn back in your head
591
00:27:14,582 --> 00:27:15,583
at the sight of
a dust jacket.
592
00:27:15,583 --> 00:27:18,586
Well, at least he's
a constructive escapist.
593
00:27:18,586 --> 00:27:21,805
Yeah. What do I do?
Take planes.
594
00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:23,891
No. I don't
do that anymore.
595
00:27:23,892 --> 00:27:25,894
I don't have the money
to do that anymore.
596
00:27:25,894 --> 00:27:27,929
I go to the baths.
That's about it.
597
00:27:27,929 --> 00:27:30,514
I'm about to do both.
I'm flying to the West Coast.
598
00:27:30,515 --> 00:27:32,984
You still have that act
with a donkey in Tijuana?
599
00:27:32,984 --> 00:27:35,569
I'm going to San Francisco
on a well-earned vacation.
600
00:27:35,570 --> 00:27:38,072
I'm going to the club baths,
and I'm not coming out
601
00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:41,576
till they announce the departure
of TWA one week later.
602
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:44,078
You'll never learn to stay
out of the baths, will you?
603
00:27:44,079 --> 00:27:46,081
The last time "Emily"
was taking the vapors,
604
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,582
this big hairy number
strolls in.
605
00:27:47,582 --> 00:27:49,083
So Emily says,
"I'm just resting."
606
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:51,086
And the big, hairy number
says, "I'm just arresting."
607
00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:53,088
It was the Vice.
You have to tell everything,
608
00:27:53,088 --> 00:27:55,623
don't you?
Emory, here.
609
00:27:55,623 --> 00:27:57,758
Thanks, sonny.
You live with your parents?
610
00:27:57,759 --> 00:27:59,627
Yeah, but it's
all right. They're gay.
611
00:28:06,634 --> 00:28:09,136
What happened to Alan?
Oh, he got terrible icks
612
00:28:09,137 --> 00:28:11,139
about having broken down
on the telephone.
613
00:28:11,139 --> 00:28:13,141
He kept apologizing
over and over and over.
614
00:28:14,642 --> 00:28:17,144
He did a big about-face
and turned into the old Alan
615
00:28:17,145 --> 00:28:18,646
right in front of
my very eyes.
616
00:28:18,646 --> 00:28:20,280
Ears.
Ears.
617
00:28:20,281 --> 00:28:21,782
'Scuse me.
618
00:28:23,234 --> 00:28:25,236
Well, obviously the cracked
crab did not work out.
619
00:28:25,236 --> 00:28:27,238
Just put that down, if you
don't want your hand slapped.
620
00:28:27,238 --> 00:28:28,239
I'm about to
have some.
621
00:28:28,239 --> 00:28:30,241
I just wanna pour off
the melted ice.
622
00:28:31,242 --> 00:28:32,743
You know, sometimes
you remind me
623
00:28:32,744 --> 00:28:34,245
of the Chinese
water torture.
624
00:28:34,245 --> 00:28:35,746
No, no, no.
I take that back.
625
00:28:35,747 --> 00:28:37,749
Sometimes you remind me
of the relentless
626
00:28:37,749 --> 00:28:39,083
Chinese water
torture.
627
00:28:39,084 --> 00:28:40,502
Bitch.
628
00:28:42,587 --> 00:28:43,588
Hey, I wonder where
Harold is.
629
00:28:43,588 --> 00:28:45,590
Yeah, where is
the frozen fruit?
630
00:28:45,590 --> 00:28:47,592
Emory refers to Harold as the frozen fruit
631
00:28:47,592 --> 00:28:50,094
because of his former profession
as an ice skater.
632
00:28:50,095 --> 00:28:53,598
She used to be the Vera Hruba
Ralston of the borscht circuit.
633
00:28:53,598 --> 00:28:55,099
Time for your
rhythm injection.
634
00:28:55,100 --> 00:28:58,103
Now, how did you guess I didn't
want to lie down, Bernard?
635
00:28:58,103 --> 00:28:59,604
You know, if your mother
could see you now,
636
00:28:59,604 --> 00:29:00,605
she'd have a stroke.
637
00:29:00,605 --> 00:29:01,606
You got a camera
on you?
638
00:29:01,606 --> 00:29:03,107
All right, Emily,
up here right now.
639
00:29:03,108 --> 00:29:04,109
Look
out.
640
00:29:04,109 --> 00:29:06,528
Look at those
twinkle toes. Heh.
641
00:29:08,113 --> 00:29:09,697
Oh, my God, it's Lilly Law.
642
00:29:09,697 --> 00:29:10,698
Everyone
three feet apart.
643
00:29:10,698 --> 00:29:12,449
Quiet. Quiet!
It may be Harold.
644
00:29:14,035 --> 00:29:16,420
No, it's the delivery boy
from the bakery.
645
00:29:16,421 --> 00:29:18,423
Ask him if he's got
any hot-crossed buns.
646
00:29:20,291 --> 00:29:22,042
Come on, Emory.
Knock it off, will you?
647
00:29:22,043 --> 00:29:23,627
You can take her
anywhere but out.
648
00:29:23,628 --> 00:29:26,263
You remind me of
an old maid schoolteacher.
649
00:29:26,264 --> 00:29:28,516
You remind me of a chicken wing.
650
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:30,100
I'm sure you meant that
as a compliment.
651
00:29:31,386 --> 00:29:32,387
Um, thank you.
Good night.
652
00:29:38,393 --> 00:29:40,027
Hey, Bernard? Do you
remember that dance
653
00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:42,030
we used to do
at Fire Island?
654
00:29:42,030 --> 00:29:45,033
Man, that was in so far back,
I think I've forgotten it.
655
00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:46,534
I remember it.
656
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:49,537
One, two.
One, two.
657
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:50,538
Oh, Christ.
658
00:29:50,538 --> 00:29:52,540
Single, single.
Dance.
659
00:29:52,540 --> 00:29:54,041
All right.
Whoo!
660
00:29:54,042 --> 00:29:56,744
Wait a minute.
One, two, three, four.
661
00:29:56,744 --> 00:29:58,746
It's the geriatrics
Rockettes.
662
00:30:00,415 --> 00:30:02,417
Get 'em up there,
huh, babe. Whoo!
663
00:30:02,417 --> 00:30:03,918
One, two.
Who dreamed this up?
664
00:30:03,918 --> 00:30:05,419
Emory.
665
00:30:05,420 --> 00:30:08,506
It's the sensational
Menstruations.
666
00:30:10,725 --> 00:30:12,259
Come on, Donald.
Get in here.
667
00:30:12,260 --> 00:30:13,010
Ah!
668
00:30:13,011 --> 00:30:14,679
Get your hand
off my ass.
669
00:30:14,679 --> 00:30:15,730
Very funny.
670
00:30:20,185 --> 00:30:21,102
Whoa!
671
00:30:22,437 --> 00:30:23,488
Look, baby.
672
00:30:43,258 --> 00:30:44,292
Is Mike in?
673
00:30:49,797 --> 00:30:51,298
♪ Like a heat wave ♪
674
00:30:51,299 --> 00:30:52,216
♪ Burning in my heart ♪
675
00:30:52,217 --> 00:30:54,352
♪ Like a heat wave ♪
676
00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:55,436
Michael!
677
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,525
Michael!
Michael.
678
00:31:05,563 --> 00:31:06,564
♪ Heat wave ♪
679
00:31:06,564 --> 00:31:08,732
Um-- I, uh--
680
00:31:08,733 --> 00:31:11,035
I thought you weren't coming.
I'm sorry.
681
00:31:11,035 --> 00:31:12,619
Um. We were-- We were
just acting silly.
682
00:31:12,620 --> 00:31:13,904
Actually, when
I called,
683
00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:15,990
I-- I was in a phone booth
just around the corner.
684
00:31:15,990 --> 00:31:17,074
My dinner party's
not far from here.
685
00:31:17,075 --> 00:31:19,410
Um, Emory was just showing us--
When I walked past,
686
00:31:19,410 --> 00:31:20,577
the downstairs door
was open,
687
00:31:20,578 --> 00:31:22,162
so I just--
Oh, excuse me. This is Emory.
688
00:31:23,882 --> 00:31:25,250
Hello.
689
00:31:26,334 --> 00:31:29,337
Everybody, this is
Alan McCarthy.
690
00:31:29,337 --> 00:31:31,922
Alan, um--
Counterclockwise.
691
00:31:31,923 --> 00:31:34,425
Larry and Emory,
and Bernard...
692
00:31:34,425 --> 00:31:36,477
How are you?
...Donald and Hank.
693
00:31:36,477 --> 00:31:38,262
Hello, it's nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you.
694
00:31:39,564 --> 00:31:41,315
Uh, well, can I get you
a drink?
695
00:31:41,316 --> 00:31:43,318
Uh, Scotch, please.
696
00:31:43,318 --> 00:31:44,402
Fine.
Uh-- I'll get it.
697
00:31:44,402 --> 00:31:46,404
Oh. Thank you,
Donald.
698
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,406
Well, I guess I'm the only
beer drinker here tonight.
699
00:31:52,193 --> 00:31:54,912
Whose, uh--
Whose birthday is it?
700
00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,781
Oh, it's--
Harold's.
701
00:31:58,082 --> 00:31:59,416
Harold.
702
00:31:59,417 --> 00:32:02,503
He's not here yet.
She's never been on time--
703
00:32:02,503 --> 00:32:05,789
He's never been on time
in his life.
704
00:32:05,790 --> 00:32:07,291
Uh, H-Hank.
Alan is from Washington.
705
00:32:07,292 --> 00:32:09,294
Washington.
We went to college together.
706
00:32:09,294 --> 00:32:10,378
Georgetown.
707
00:32:10,378 --> 00:32:12,213
Isn't that
fascinating?
708
00:32:12,213 --> 00:32:13,797
Here. If that's too strong,
709
00:32:13,798 --> 00:32:14,799
I'll put some
water in it.
710
00:32:17,802 --> 00:32:19,270
No. It's fine, thanks.
Fine.
711
00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:21,555
Well, Alan, are you in the government then--?
712
00:32:21,556 --> 00:32:22,640
No, I'm a lawyer.
What do you do?
713
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:24,141
Oh, I teach
school.
714
00:32:24,142 --> 00:32:26,144
Oh, I would've taken you for
an athlete of some sort.
715
00:32:26,144 --> 00:32:28,146
You look like you might
play sports of some sort.
716
00:32:28,146 --> 00:32:29,647
Well, I'm
no professional.
717
00:32:29,647 --> 00:32:31,649
I was on the basketball team in
college, and I do play tennis.
718
00:32:31,649 --> 00:32:33,651
Well, I play tennis too.
It's a great game.
719
00:32:33,651 --> 00:32:34,652
Yeah, that's great.
720
00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:37,872
Uh, yeah, it's a great game.
721
00:32:39,741 --> 00:32:41,743
What, uh... W-- What do
you teach?
722
00:32:41,743 --> 00:32:42,744
Math.
Math?
723
00:32:42,744 --> 00:32:44,579
Yeah.
Math, well...
724
00:32:44,579 --> 00:32:47,582
Makes you wanna rush out and buy
a slide rule, doesn't it?
725
00:32:47,582 --> 00:32:50,418
Uh, excuse me, Alan,
I'll be right back.
726
00:32:50,418 --> 00:32:52,503
Come on, Emory. I'm gonna need
some help in the kitchen.
727
00:32:52,503 --> 00:32:53,720
You're elected.
728
00:32:53,721 --> 00:32:56,306
I'm always elected.
You're a natural-born domestic.
729
00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:57,808
Said the African
queen.
730
00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:00,311
You come on too. You can fan me
while I make the salad dressing.
731
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,813
Right this way,
Emory. Come on.
732
00:33:10,405 --> 00:33:11,906
Oh, hey,
look, uh...
733
00:33:11,906 --> 00:33:13,908
why don't we all
sit down over here?
734
00:33:13,908 --> 00:33:14,909
Sure.
735
00:33:24,919 --> 00:33:27,922
I, uh... I really feel terrible
about barging in
736
00:33:27,922 --> 00:33:29,423
on you fellows
this way.
737
00:33:34,128 --> 00:33:35,929
Well, that's perfectly
all right, Alan.
738
00:33:36,931 --> 00:33:38,265
Hi.
Hi.
739
00:33:42,970 --> 00:33:43,971
Hey, you're married?
740
00:33:45,973 --> 00:33:47,975
What?
I see you're married.
741
00:33:47,975 --> 00:33:49,526
Oh. Yes.
742
00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:51,612
Yes, Hank's married.
743
00:33:51,612 --> 00:33:53,113
Donald.
744
00:33:53,114 --> 00:33:54,115
Come up with some ice.
745
00:33:55,616 --> 00:33:56,483
Excuse me.
746
00:34:04,459 --> 00:34:05,460
Oh!
747
00:34:12,133 --> 00:34:14,502
Do you, uh--
Do you have any kids?
748
00:34:15,386 --> 00:34:18,055
Yes. Yes, I have two.
749
00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:20,758
I have a boy, nine,
and a girl, seven.
750
00:34:20,758 --> 00:34:22,309
They're great kids too.
751
00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:23,394
You should see my boy
play tennis.
752
00:34:23,394 --> 00:34:24,928
He really puts
his dad to shame.
753
00:34:24,929 --> 00:34:26,513
I've got two kids too.
Both girls.
754
00:34:26,514 --> 00:34:28,315
Hey, that's great.
How are the girls, Alan?
755
00:34:28,316 --> 00:34:30,401
Oh, they're just sensational.
They're...
756
00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:32,019
really something, those kids.
God, I'm--
757
00:34:32,019 --> 00:34:33,603
I'm nuts
about them.
758
00:34:36,074 --> 00:34:38,076
Well, Alan, um, how long have
you been married, then?
759
00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:39,527
Nine years.
Mm-hm.
760
00:34:39,527 --> 00:34:40,911
Can you believe it, Mickey?
No.
761
00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:43,030
Mickey used to go with my wife
when we were all in school.
762
00:34:43,030 --> 00:34:44,197
Can you believe that?
763
00:34:51,539 --> 00:34:53,541
Do you, uh...
764
00:34:53,541 --> 00:34:55,509
Do you live
in the city?
765
00:34:55,510 --> 00:34:57,211
Uh, yes, we do.
766
00:34:57,211 --> 00:35:00,297
I'm in the process
of getting a divorce. Uh...
767
00:35:00,298 --> 00:35:01,882
Larry and I are roommates
for the moment.
768
00:35:01,883 --> 00:35:02,884
Yes.
769
00:35:04,385 --> 00:35:06,603
I'm sorry, I-I--
I didn't mean to--
770
00:35:06,604 --> 00:35:08,188
No, no, it's perfectly
all right. I understand.
771
00:35:23,621 --> 00:35:25,489
Oh, I'm sorry.
Here. Let--
772
00:35:28,493 --> 00:35:31,496
Oh. Can I
help you, Alan?
773
00:35:31,496 --> 00:35:33,998
I can't seem to find
the Scotch. Uh...
774
00:35:33,998 --> 00:35:36,000
Well, you've got it
in your hand.
775
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,469
Oh, where the hell
could Harold be?
776
00:35:38,469 --> 00:35:39,553
He's always
late.
777
00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:41,055
But why does it take Harold
hours to get ready
778
00:35:41,055 --> 00:35:42,556
before he can go out?
779
00:35:42,557 --> 00:35:45,009
Because she's a sick lady,
that's why.
780
00:35:46,093 --> 00:35:47,644
Alan, we can go
to my bedroom and talk.
781
00:35:47,645 --> 00:35:49,146
I'm just gonna
finish this and go.
782
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:50,648
Come on, bring
your drink.
783
00:35:53,651 --> 00:35:54,652
I've finished it.
784
00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:55,653
Oh.
785
00:36:06,164 --> 00:36:07,665
Excuse us. We'll be down
in just a minute.
786
00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:08,666
Sure. Sure.
787
00:36:08,666 --> 00:36:10,501
Oh, um...he'll still
be here.
788
00:36:11,919 --> 00:36:12,920
This way, Alan.
789
00:36:22,129 --> 00:36:24,131
Now, just what was that
supposed to mean?
790
00:36:25,633 --> 00:36:28,135
What was what
supposed to mean?
791
00:36:28,135 --> 00:36:30,137
You know, that little--
Hey, you want another beer?
792
00:36:30,137 --> 00:36:32,189
Hey. You're jealous,
aren't you?
793
00:36:34,725 --> 00:36:35,692
No.
794
00:36:38,112 --> 00:36:40,948
I'm Larry.
You're jealous.
795
00:36:42,783 --> 00:36:45,902
The last time I saw you,
you were on your way to...
796
00:36:45,903 --> 00:36:48,906
California, or--
Or was it Europe?
797
00:36:48,906 --> 00:36:50,407
Hollywood.
798
00:36:50,408 --> 00:36:52,410
Which is not in Europe, and
which has nothing whatsoever
799
00:36:52,410 --> 00:36:53,911
to do with
California.
800
00:36:53,911 --> 00:36:56,914
Well, I've-- I've never
been there myself,
801
00:36:56,914 --> 00:36:58,916
but I would imagine
it must be awful.
802
00:36:58,916 --> 00:37:00,417
Everyone must be...
803
00:37:00,418 --> 00:37:01,635
terribly cheap.
804
00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:04,505
No. Not everyone.
805
00:37:04,505 --> 00:37:06,840
Alan...
806
00:37:06,841 --> 00:37:08,342
I'd like to try to
explain about tonight.
807
00:37:08,342 --> 00:37:09,843
What's to explain?
808
00:37:09,844 --> 00:37:14,932
Sometimes you can't invite
everyone to every party,
809
00:37:14,932 --> 00:37:16,767
and some people
take it personally.
810
00:37:16,767 --> 00:37:20,020
But I-- I'm not
one of them. I...
811
00:37:20,021 --> 00:37:21,989
should apologize
for inviting myself.
812
00:37:21,989 --> 00:37:23,573
Well, that's not
exactly what I meant.
813
00:37:23,574 --> 00:37:25,075
Your friends,
uh...
814
00:37:25,076 --> 00:37:28,829
Your friends all seem like
very nice guys.
815
00:37:28,829 --> 00:37:29,913
That, uh...
816
00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:32,783
That Hank, he's really
a very attractive fellow.
817
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:34,535
Yes, he is.
818
00:37:37,922 --> 00:37:39,924
We've got a lot in common.
819
00:37:41,425 --> 00:37:42,926
What's his roommate's name?
820
00:37:43,928 --> 00:37:45,429
Larry.
821
00:37:45,429 --> 00:37:46,463
And what does he do?
822
00:37:46,464 --> 00:37:47,965
He's a fashion photographer.
823
00:37:49,383 --> 00:37:50,884
And I like Donald too.
824
00:37:50,885 --> 00:37:55,389
The only one I didn't seem to
care too much for is...
825
00:37:55,389 --> 00:37:58,892
wh-wh-what's
his name? Uh...Emory?
826
00:38:00,278 --> 00:38:02,780
Yes. Emory.
827
00:38:04,231 --> 00:38:05,782
Well, I just can't
stand that kind of talk.
828
00:38:05,783 --> 00:38:07,785
It just
grates on me.
829
00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:12,790
Uh, what kind of talk, Alan?
830
00:38:12,790 --> 00:38:16,293
You know what
I mean. His...
831
00:38:16,294 --> 00:38:17,795
His brand of humor,
I suppose.
832
00:38:17,795 --> 00:38:20,164
Well, he can be
quite funny sometimes.
833
00:38:20,164 --> 00:38:22,666
I suppose so, if you find
that sort of thing amusing.
834
00:38:22,667 --> 00:38:25,169
It's just that he seems like
such a goddamn little pansy.
835
00:38:33,477 --> 00:38:35,979
I'm-- I'm s--
I'm sorry I said that. I--
836
00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:40,985
I didn't mean to say that.
That's such an awful thing
837
00:38:40,985 --> 00:38:41,986
to say about anyone.
838
00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:43,604
You know what
I mean, Michael.
839
00:38:43,604 --> 00:38:45,155
You must admit,
he is effeminate.
840
00:38:47,074 --> 00:38:48,075
Yes, he is a bit.
841
00:38:48,075 --> 00:38:49,276
A bit?
842
00:38:50,861 --> 00:38:53,864
Why-- Why he's like a--
843
00:38:53,864 --> 00:38:55,866
He's like
a butterfly in heat.
844
00:38:59,003 --> 00:39:01,088
I mean, it's-- It's no wonder
that he was trying
845
00:39:01,088 --> 00:39:02,089
to teach you all to dance.
846
00:39:02,089 --> 00:39:04,591
He probably wanted to
dance with you.
847
00:39:09,797 --> 00:39:12,299
Oh, come on, man. You--
848
00:39:12,299 --> 00:39:15,218
You know me.
You know how I feel.
849
00:39:15,219 --> 00:39:16,637
Your...
850
00:39:16,637 --> 00:39:19,139
Your private life
is your own affair.
851
00:39:20,107 --> 00:39:22,642
No, I don't know
that about you.
852
00:39:24,645 --> 00:39:26,146
Well, I--
853
00:39:26,147 --> 00:39:30,151
I couldn't care less
about what people do, as...
854
00:39:30,151 --> 00:39:31,535
As long as they don't
do it in public,
855
00:39:31,535 --> 00:39:34,120
or try to force their ways
on the whole damned world.
856
00:39:36,123 --> 00:39:38,625
Alan, what were you
crying about on the telephone?
857
00:39:46,584 --> 00:39:47,635
All I--
858
00:39:50,638 --> 00:39:52,640
All I can say is,
please forgive me
859
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:54,058
for making
such an ass of myself.
860
00:39:59,346 --> 00:40:00,347
You must have been upset,
861
00:40:00,347 --> 00:40:02,849
or you wouldn't have said
that you were.
862
00:40:02,850 --> 00:40:05,068
That you were upset
and that you wanted to see me.
863
00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:07,020
Had to see me,
and talk to me.
864
00:40:07,021 --> 00:40:08,238
Michael, please.
865
00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:12,159
Is something wrong
between you and Fran?
866
00:40:14,995 --> 00:40:16,413
Listen,
I've really got to go.
867
00:40:16,414 --> 00:40:17,364
Why are you in New York?
868
00:40:18,783 --> 00:40:21,285
I'm dreadfully late
for dinner, Michael.
869
00:40:21,285 --> 00:40:24,087
Whose dinner?
Where are you going?
870
00:40:29,176 --> 00:40:30,760
Oh, no!
Oh! Here.
871
00:40:30,761 --> 00:40:32,129
Come on.
872
00:40:32,129 --> 00:40:33,180
Here, I'll get the--
873
00:40:33,180 --> 00:40:35,048
Uh-oh. Denise Deluge.
874
00:40:35,049 --> 00:40:37,468
Oh, great.
Now it's stopped.
875
00:40:39,887 --> 00:40:41,471
Oh, Hank.
876
00:40:41,472 --> 00:40:43,056
Why don't you
come and join us?
877
00:40:45,559 --> 00:40:48,028
Well, that's an interesting
suggestion. Whose idea was that?
878
00:40:48,979 --> 00:40:50,981
Well, mine.
879
00:40:50,981 --> 00:40:52,782
He means
in the conversation.
880
00:40:55,453 --> 00:40:56,570
To your health.
881
00:40:56,570 --> 00:40:58,455
Up yours.
882
00:40:58,456 --> 00:40:59,824
Up my health?
883
00:41:01,125 --> 00:41:02,126
Where's the gent?
884
00:41:02,126 --> 00:41:03,627
In the gents' room.
885
00:41:05,129 --> 00:41:07,131
If you can hang on
for five more minutes,
886
00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:08,132
he's about to leave.
887
00:41:09,633 --> 00:41:11,134
Well, at last.
888
00:41:13,637 --> 00:41:16,973
♪ Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you ♪
889
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:19,559
♪ Happy birthday, dear Harold
Happy birthday to you ♪
890
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:20,844
Don't--
891
00:41:20,845 --> 00:41:23,230
Who the hell are you?
Well, uh--
892
00:41:23,230 --> 00:41:25,315
She's Harold's present
from me, and she's early.
893
00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:27,318
And that's not even Harold,
you idiot!
894
00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:29,353
Well, you said
whoever answered the door.
895
00:41:29,353 --> 00:41:30,854
But not until
midnight.
896
00:41:30,855 --> 00:41:33,073
He's supposed to be
a midnight cowboy.
897
00:41:34,158 --> 00:41:36,276
He is a midnight
cowboy.
898
00:41:36,277 --> 00:41:38,362
He looks right out of a
William Inge play, doesn't he?
899
00:41:38,362 --> 00:41:40,781
Not until midnight,
and you're supposed to sing
900
00:41:40,781 --> 00:41:42,783
to the right person,
for chrissakes. I told you,
901
00:41:42,783 --> 00:41:46,002
Harold has very, very tight,
tight black curly hair.
902
00:41:46,003 --> 00:41:47,754
This number's
practically bald.
903
00:41:47,755 --> 00:41:48,956
Thank you, and fuck you.
904
00:41:48,956 --> 00:41:50,457
Good thing I didn't
open the door.
905
00:41:50,457 --> 00:41:52,542
Not that tight
and not that black.
906
00:41:52,543 --> 00:41:54,545
Aw, I forgot.
907
00:41:54,545 --> 00:41:57,214
And besides, I-I want to get
to the bars by midnight.
908
00:41:57,214 --> 00:41:58,848
He's a class act,
all the way around.
909
00:41:58,849 --> 00:42:00,433
What do you mean,
"get to the bars"?
910
00:42:00,434 --> 00:42:03,220
Sweetie, I paid you for
the whole evening, remember?
911
00:42:03,220 --> 00:42:05,305
Oh, I hurt my back
doing my exercises,
912
00:42:05,306 --> 00:42:07,274
and I want to get
to bed early tonight.
913
00:42:07,274 --> 00:42:08,358
Are you ready
for this one?
914
00:42:08,359 --> 00:42:10,894
Well, that's too bad.
What happened?
915
00:42:10,895 --> 00:42:12,980
I, uh... Heh.
916
00:42:12,980 --> 00:42:14,982
I-I lost my grip
doing my chin-ups,
917
00:42:14,982 --> 00:42:16,984
and I fell on my heels
and twisted my back.
918
00:42:16,984 --> 00:42:19,369
You shouldn't wear heels
when you do chin-ups.
919
00:42:24,458 --> 00:42:25,959
I-I shouldn't do
chin-ups.
920
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:27,461
I have a weak grip
to begin with.
921
00:42:27,461 --> 00:42:30,747
A weak grip. In my day it used
to be called a limp wrist.
922
00:42:30,748 --> 00:42:33,167
Who can remember
that far back?
923
00:42:33,167 --> 00:42:34,251
Who was it who always
used to say,
924
00:42:34,251 --> 00:42:36,753
"You show me Oscar Wilde
in a cowboy suit,
925
00:42:36,754 --> 00:42:39,256
and I'll show you
a gay caballero"?
926
00:42:39,256 --> 00:42:41,258
I don't know. Who was it
who always used to say that?
927
00:42:41,258 --> 00:42:42,676
I don't know. Somebody.
928
00:42:42,676 --> 00:42:44,561
What does your card say?
929
00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:46,263
Uh, Y-you read it.
930
00:42:50,985 --> 00:42:53,737
"Dear Harold, bang, bang, you're alive,
931
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:55,739
"but roll over
and play dead.
932
00:42:55,739 --> 00:42:57,774
Happy birthday. Emory."
933
00:42:57,775 --> 00:42:59,159
Sheer poetry, Emmy.
934
00:42:59,159 --> 00:43:01,244
And in your
usual good taste.
935
00:43:01,245 --> 00:43:04,998
Yes. And so conservative to have
resisted a sign in Times Square.
936
00:43:04,999 --> 00:43:07,368
Cheese it! Here comes
the socialite nun.
937
00:43:07,368 --> 00:43:08,252
Damn it, Emory, shut up.
938
00:43:10,337 --> 00:43:12,672
Well, I'm off, Michael.
939
00:43:14,041 --> 00:43:15,542
Thank you
for the drink.
940
00:43:16,543 --> 00:43:19,045
You're entirely welcome,
Alan.
941
00:43:20,047 --> 00:43:21,548
See you tomorrow?
942
00:43:21,548 --> 00:43:23,132
No. I think I'm gonna
be awfully busy.
943
00:43:23,133 --> 00:43:25,635
I...may even go back
to Washington.
944
00:43:25,636 --> 00:43:27,888
Got a heavy date
in Lafayette Square?
945
00:43:27,888 --> 00:43:29,055
Emory.
What?
946
00:43:29,056 --> 00:43:29,890
Forget it.
947
00:43:32,726 --> 00:43:34,644
Oh, are, uh--
Are you Harold?
948
00:43:36,063 --> 00:43:38,865
No, he's not Harold.
He's for Harold.
949
00:43:42,870 --> 00:43:44,371
Goodbye, Hank. It was
awfully nice meeting you.
950
00:43:44,371 --> 00:43:46,456
Same here, Alan.
If you ever get to Washington,
951
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:48,709
I'd like you to meet my wife.
Right. Good.
952
00:43:48,709 --> 00:43:49,993
Oh, that'd be fun,
wouldn't it, Hank?
953
00:43:49,994 --> 00:43:52,796
Mm. They'd love to
meet him. Uh, her.
954
00:43:52,796 --> 00:43:55,165
I have such
a problem with pronouns.
955
00:43:55,165 --> 00:43:56,666
How many esses are there
in "pronoun"?
956
00:43:56,667 --> 00:43:59,086
How'd you like to kiss my ass?
Got two or more esses in it.
957
00:43:59,086 --> 00:44:00,420
How'd you like to blow me?
958
00:44:00,421 --> 00:44:01,972
What's the matter?
Your wife got lockjaw?
959
00:44:01,972 --> 00:44:03,556
Faggot! Fairy!
960
00:44:03,557 --> 00:44:05,475
Alan! Alan!
961
00:44:09,647 --> 00:44:10,981
Get some ice.
Get some ice.
962
00:44:11,849 --> 00:44:14,101
Oh, my God!
My nose is broken!
963
00:44:14,101 --> 00:44:15,435
Oh, God! Oh, God!
964
00:44:16,403 --> 00:44:17,904
Knock it off!
965
00:44:20,691 --> 00:44:22,025
Hang on!
You faggot! Faggot!
966
00:44:24,278 --> 00:44:27,331
Aah! Keep him away from me!
967
00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:35,172
Would you mind waiting
over there with the gifts?
968
00:44:38,208 --> 00:44:40,927
I can't breathe!
969
00:44:42,463 --> 00:44:45,549
Well, Harold. Happy Birthday.
970
00:44:45,549 --> 00:44:47,634
You're just in time
for the floor show,
971
00:44:47,634 --> 00:44:49,719
which, as you see,
is on the floor.
972
00:44:51,138 --> 00:44:52,939
Oh, it's Harold.
Now, it's all right.
973
00:44:52,940 --> 00:44:55,609
Hey you.
This is Harold.
974
00:44:55,609 --> 00:44:57,193
Now, put this up on your chin.
975
00:44:57,194 --> 00:44:58,195
Will it be ruined?
976
00:44:58,195 --> 00:45:00,530
No, it'll be ruined if it swells up.
977
00:45:00,531 --> 00:45:03,951
♪ Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you ♪
978
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:05,652
♪ Happy birthday
Dear Harold ♪
979
00:45:05,652 --> 00:45:07,036
♪ Happy birthday
To you ♪
980
00:45:24,671 --> 00:45:26,005
What's so fucking funny?
981
00:45:27,307 --> 00:45:29,309
Life.
982
00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:32,312
Life's a goddamn
laugh riot.
983
00:45:32,312 --> 00:45:34,314
You remember life.
984
00:45:34,314 --> 00:45:35,598
You're stoned.
985
00:45:35,599 --> 00:45:36,683
Happy Birthday, Harold.
986
00:45:36,683 --> 00:45:38,401
You're stoned, and you're late.
987
00:45:38,402 --> 00:45:39,936
You were supposed to
arrive at this location
988
00:45:39,937 --> 00:45:43,073
at approximately 8:30,
dash 9:00.
989
00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:47,578
What I am, Michael,
is a 32-year-old
990
00:45:47,578 --> 00:45:50,581
ugly, pockmarked,
Jew fairy.
991
00:45:50,581 --> 00:45:53,584
And if it takes me a while
to pull myself together,
992
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:55,586
and if I smoke
a little grass
993
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:58,589
before I get up the nerve
to show my face to the world,
994
00:45:58,589 --> 00:46:02,092
it's nobody's goddamn
business but my own.
995
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:05,596
And how are you
this evening?
996
00:46:10,434 --> 00:46:12,352
Happy Birthday, Hallie.
997
00:46:12,352 --> 00:46:14,387
What happened
to you?
998
00:46:14,388 --> 00:46:15,972
Don't ask.
999
00:46:15,973 --> 00:46:17,975
Your lips
are turning blue.
1000
00:46:17,975 --> 00:46:20,527
You look like you've been
rimming a snowman.
1001
00:46:20,527 --> 00:46:23,112
That piss-elegant
cooz in there hit me.
1002
00:46:23,113 --> 00:46:24,114
Careful, Emory.
1003
00:46:24,114 --> 00:46:26,065
That kind of talk just
makes him so nervous.
1004
00:46:28,819 --> 00:46:29,820
Who is she?
1005
00:46:32,322 --> 00:46:34,324
Who was she?
1006
00:46:35,325 --> 00:46:37,210
Who does she hope to be?
1007
00:46:37,211 --> 00:46:38,829
Who knows, who cares.
1008
00:46:38,829 --> 00:46:40,630
His name is Alan McCarthy.
1009
00:46:40,631 --> 00:46:42,716
Not the famous
college chum?
1010
00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:45,218
Is this my surprise
from you, Michael?
1011
00:46:45,219 --> 00:46:47,337
I think Alan's the one
who got the surprise.
1012
00:46:47,337 --> 00:46:49,972
And if you'll notice,
he's absolutely speechless.
1013
00:46:49,973 --> 00:46:52,558
Oh, she's in shock.
She's a beast.
1014
00:46:52,559 --> 00:46:53,927
That's your surprise.
1015
00:46:53,927 --> 00:46:55,645
Uh, speaking of beasts.
1016
00:46:55,646 --> 00:46:58,065
From me to you, darling.
How do you like it?
1017
00:47:13,997 --> 00:47:17,000
Well, I suppose he has an
interesting face and body,
1018
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:19,002
but it turns me right off,
1019
00:47:19,002 --> 00:47:21,454
because he can't talk
intelligently about art.
1020
00:47:21,455 --> 00:47:23,173
Yeah, ain't it a shame?
1021
00:47:23,173 --> 00:47:25,258
I could never
love anyone like that.
1022
00:47:25,259 --> 00:47:27,261
Never. Who could?
1023
00:47:27,261 --> 00:47:29,263
I could and you could.
That's who could.
1024
00:47:30,380 --> 00:47:32,382
Mary, she's gorgeous.
1025
00:47:32,382 --> 00:47:34,467
She may be dumb,
but she's all yours.
1026
00:47:34,468 --> 00:47:37,187
In affairs of the heart,
there are no rules.
1027
00:47:38,889 --> 00:47:42,309
I'm so thrilled to get it,
I could kiss you.
1028
00:47:42,309 --> 00:47:44,778
But I don't wanna
get blood all over me.
1029
00:47:45,696 --> 00:47:47,698
Oh, look at
my sweater.
1030
00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:49,149
Wait'll you see
your face.
1031
00:47:49,149 --> 00:47:51,701
Come on, Emory,
let's get you cleaned up.
1032
00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:53,787
Happy birthday, Harold.
Thanks, love.
1033
00:47:53,787 --> 00:47:55,572
My sweater's ruined.
1034
00:47:55,572 --> 00:47:57,156
Take one of mine
in the bedroom.
1035
00:47:57,157 --> 00:47:59,159
Oh, the one on
the floor is vicuña.
1036
00:47:59,159 --> 00:48:00,577
My sweater's ruined.
1037
00:48:00,577 --> 00:48:03,329
Come on. You'll feel better after I bathe your face.
1038
00:48:03,330 --> 00:48:05,832
Just another birthday party
with the folks.
1039
00:48:08,669 --> 00:48:10,170
Here's a cold bottle
of pouilly-fuissé
1040
00:48:10,170 --> 00:48:12,172
I bought especially
for you, kiddo.
1041
00:48:13,674 --> 00:48:14,675
Pussycat.
1042
00:48:15,676 --> 00:48:18,679
All is forgiven.
You can stay.
1043
00:48:18,679 --> 00:48:20,347
Ah.
1044
00:48:20,347 --> 00:48:23,900
No, you can stay,
but not all is forgiven.
1045
00:48:23,901 --> 00:48:25,018
Cheers.
1046
00:48:25,018 --> 00:48:26,602
I feel sick. I think
I'm gonna throw up.
1047
00:48:26,603 --> 00:48:28,404
Wait a minute.
Say that again,
1048
00:48:28,405 --> 00:48:30,824
and I won't have to take
my appetite depressant.
1049
00:48:30,824 --> 00:48:32,492
All right, up the steps,
to the john. Right?
1050
00:48:32,492 --> 00:48:35,077
Easy does it.
One step at a time.
1051
00:48:37,531 --> 00:48:40,116
There.
Feel better?
1052
00:48:54,514 --> 00:48:57,517
I'm not ready for my close-up,
Mr. DeMille.
1053
00:48:57,517 --> 00:48:59,519
Nor will I be
for the next two weeks.
1054
00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:02,806
Oh, my God,
he's after me again!
1055
00:49:08,111 --> 00:49:10,113
Turning on.
1056
00:49:13,650 --> 00:49:15,652
Anybody care to join me?
1057
00:49:27,164 --> 00:49:29,166
Many thanks. No.
1058
00:49:30,667 --> 00:49:32,669
How about
you, Tex?
1059
00:49:32,669 --> 00:49:34,671
Yeah.
1060
00:49:36,673 --> 00:49:39,392
Michael, I left
the casserole in the oven.
1061
00:49:39,393 --> 00:49:40,477
You can
take it out anytime.
1062
00:49:40,477 --> 00:49:41,644
You're not going.
1063
00:49:41,645 --> 00:49:43,730
I couldn't
eat now anyway.
1064
00:49:43,730 --> 00:49:45,765
Well, I'm absolutely
ravenous.
1065
00:49:45,766 --> 00:49:48,485
I'm going to eat until
I have a fat attack.
1066
00:49:48,485 --> 00:49:49,569
I said, you're not going.
1067
00:49:50,103 --> 00:49:53,189
Beware the hostile fag.
1068
00:49:53,190 --> 00:49:55,692
When he's sober,
he's dangerous.
1069
00:49:55,692 --> 00:49:58,695
When he drinks, he's lethal.
1070
00:49:58,695 --> 00:50:01,447
Attention must not be paid.
1071
00:50:01,448 --> 00:50:03,450
I'm starved, Em.
1072
00:50:03,450 --> 00:50:05,535
I'm ready for some of your
1073
00:50:05,535 --> 00:50:08,955
Alice B. Toklas
opium-baked lasagna.
1074
00:50:08,955 --> 00:50:12,041
Are you really?
Oh, that makes me so happy.
1075
00:50:12,042 --> 00:50:14,427
Maybe I'll just
serve before I leave.
1076
00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:16,012
Nobody's
going anywhere.
1077
00:50:16,013 --> 00:50:18,515
You are going to have
schmertz tomorrow
1078
00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:21,518
you wouldn't believe.
Do a figure eight on that.
1079
00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:25,188
I'm turning on,
and you're just turning.
1080
00:50:25,188 --> 00:50:27,106
Michael, is there
any air spray?
1081
00:50:27,107 --> 00:50:29,692
Hair spray? You're supposed
to be holding his head,
1082
00:50:29,693 --> 00:50:31,111
not doing his hair.
1083
00:50:31,111 --> 00:50:32,946
"Air" spray. Not hair spray.
1084
00:50:32,946 --> 00:50:35,148
There's a can of floral spray
right on top of the john.
1085
00:50:35,148 --> 00:50:36,232
Right. Thanks.
1086
00:50:37,784 --> 00:50:40,870
I keep my grass
in the medicine cabinet,
1087
00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:41,872
in the Band-Aid
box.
1088
00:50:43,373 --> 00:50:45,875
Somebody told me
it's the safest place.
1089
00:50:45,876 --> 00:50:47,377
If the cops arrive,
1090
00:50:47,377 --> 00:50:48,878
you can always lock yourself
in the bathroom
1091
00:50:48,879 --> 00:50:51,164
and flush it down the john.
1092
00:50:51,164 --> 00:50:52,632
Very cagey.
1093
00:50:52,632 --> 00:50:55,217
Makes more sense
than where I was keeping it:
1094
00:50:55,218 --> 00:50:58,221
in an oregano jar
in the spice rack.
1095
00:51:00,090 --> 00:51:01,674
I kept forgetting
and accidentally
1096
00:51:01,675 --> 00:51:05,178
turning my hateful mother on
with the salad. Hm.
1097
00:51:05,178 --> 00:51:06,679
But I think she liked it.
1098
00:51:06,680 --> 00:51:09,182
No matter what meal
she comes over for,
1099
00:51:09,182 --> 00:51:10,683
even if it's breakfast,
she says:
1100
00:51:10,684 --> 00:51:12,185
"Let's have a salad."
1101
00:51:14,071 --> 00:51:17,657
I bet you move your lips
when you read.
1102
00:51:17,657 --> 00:51:19,659
I bet you sit in the steam room
and say things like,
1103
00:51:19,659 --> 00:51:21,077
"Hot enough for you?"
1104
00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:24,164
I don't use the steam room
when I go to the gym.
1105
00:51:24,164 --> 00:51:27,116
It's bad for you after
a workout. Flattens you down.
1106
00:51:27,117 --> 00:51:29,702
Just after you've broken
your back to blow yourself up.
1107
00:51:29,703 --> 00:51:32,455
Like a poisoned dog.
1108
00:51:32,456 --> 00:51:33,507
Yeah.
1109
00:51:34,458 --> 00:51:36,460
Oh, Harold,
he's beautiful.
1110
00:51:36,460 --> 00:51:39,463
Yeah. Beautiful.
1111
00:51:39,463 --> 00:51:42,466
He has unnatural
natural beauty.
1112
00:51:43,467 --> 00:51:45,852
Not that
that means anything.
1113
00:51:45,852 --> 00:51:47,353
It doesn't mean everything.
1114
00:51:47,354 --> 00:51:51,107
Keep telling yourself that as
your hair drops out in handfuls.
1115
00:51:51,108 --> 00:51:53,193
Faggots are worse than
women about their age.
1116
00:51:53,193 --> 00:51:56,196
They think their lives
are over at 30.
1117
00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:58,448
Physical beauty is not
all that goddamn important.
1118
00:51:58,448 --> 00:52:00,533
Of course not,
how could it be?
1119
00:52:00,534 --> 00:52:02,819
It's only in the eye
of the beholder.
1120
00:52:04,204 --> 00:52:05,622
And it's only skin deep.
1121
00:52:07,073 --> 00:52:09,575
Only skin deep.
1122
00:52:09,576 --> 00:52:11,578
And it's transitory too.
1123
00:52:11,578 --> 00:52:14,047
It's terribly transitory.
1124
00:52:15,632 --> 00:52:20,219
Oh, yes. It's too bad about
this poor boy's face.
1125
00:52:21,221 --> 00:52:22,722
It's tragic.
1126
00:52:22,722 --> 00:52:25,508
He's absolutely cursed.
1127
00:52:26,810 --> 00:52:31,264
How could his beauty
ever compare with my soul?
1128
00:52:31,264 --> 00:52:33,849
And although
I've never seen my soul,
1129
00:52:33,850 --> 00:52:36,352
I understand
from my mother's rabbi
1130
00:52:36,353 --> 00:52:37,737
that it's a knockout.
1131
00:52:37,737 --> 00:52:41,690
I, however, cannot seem
to locate it for a gander.
1132
00:52:41,691 --> 00:52:44,193
And if I could...
1133
00:52:44,194 --> 00:52:47,197
I'd sell it in a flash...
1134
00:52:47,197 --> 00:52:50,200
for some skin-deep,
transitory,
1135
00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:51,951
meaningless beauty.
1136
00:52:51,952 --> 00:52:54,537
Forgive him, father,
for he know not what he do.
1137
00:52:55,755 --> 00:52:59,258
Michael, you don't know what
side of the fence you're on.
1138
00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:02,262
Say something pro-religion,
you're against it.
1139
00:53:02,262 --> 00:53:05,265
Deny God, you're
against that.
1140
00:53:05,265 --> 00:53:08,768
One might say you have
some problem in that area.
1141
00:53:08,768 --> 00:53:11,270
You can't live with it,
and you can't live without it.
1142
00:53:11,271 --> 00:53:12,772
Hot stuff coming through.
1143
00:53:12,772 --> 00:53:15,524
One could murder you
with very little effort.
1144
00:53:15,525 --> 00:53:18,110
You hang on to that
great insurance policy
1145
00:53:18,111 --> 00:53:19,362
called the Church.
1146
00:53:19,362 --> 00:53:21,447
That's right.
I believe in God.
1147
00:53:21,448 --> 00:53:25,201
And if it turns out there
isn't one, okay, nothing's lost.
1148
00:53:25,202 --> 00:53:27,370
But if it turns out
there really is, I'm covered.
1149
00:53:27,370 --> 00:53:29,405
Harriet Hypocrite,
that's who you are.
1150
00:53:29,406 --> 00:53:31,991
Right. I'm one of those
truly rotten Catholics
1151
00:53:31,992 --> 00:53:32,993
who gets drunk,
sins all night,
1152
00:53:32,993 --> 00:53:34,828
and then goes to Mass
the next morning.
1153
00:53:34,828 --> 00:53:38,214
Gilda Guilt. It all depends
on what you think sin is.
1154
00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:40,300
Will you just shut up
your goddamn minty mouth
1155
00:53:40,300 --> 00:53:42,302
and get back
in the goddamn kitchen?
1156
00:53:42,302 --> 00:53:44,804
Say anything you want.
Just don't hit me.
1157
00:53:47,807 --> 00:53:50,476
Well. Is it bigger
than a bread stick?
1158
00:53:50,477 --> 00:53:53,062
He's lying down
for a minute, Michael.
1159
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:55,065
How does
the bathroom smell?
1160
00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:56,649
Better.
1161
00:53:56,650 --> 00:53:58,234
Before, it smelled like
somebody puked.
1162
00:53:58,235 --> 00:54:01,104
Now it smells like somebody
puked in a gardenia patch.
1163
00:54:01,104 --> 00:54:03,523
Dinner is served.
1164
00:54:03,523 --> 00:54:05,358
Bread. Isn't that great?
1165
00:54:05,358 --> 00:54:08,361
Emory, it looks
absolutely fabulous.
1166
00:54:08,361 --> 00:54:10,279
I'd make somebody
a good wife.
1167
00:54:10,280 --> 00:54:14,000
I could cook. I could
do an apartment and, um...
1168
00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:16,002
I could entertain.
1169
00:54:16,002 --> 00:54:18,454
Kiss me quick, I'm Carmen.
1170
00:54:20,924 --> 00:54:24,010
One really needs castanets
for that sort of thing.
1171
00:54:24,010 --> 00:54:25,711
And a getaway car.
1172
00:54:25,712 --> 00:54:27,296
What are you having,
big boy?
1173
00:54:27,297 --> 00:54:29,432
Alan McCarthy,
and don't hold the mayo.
1174
00:54:29,432 --> 00:54:31,350
Oh, I can't keep up with you two.
1175
00:54:31,351 --> 00:54:33,886
First you're mad at him, now
he's bitchin' you. What gives?
1176
00:54:33,887 --> 00:54:35,104
Never mind.
1177
00:54:35,105 --> 00:54:37,557
W-what is it?
Lasagna.
1178
00:54:37,557 --> 00:54:39,141
Uh, it looks like
spaghetti and meatballs,
1179
00:54:39,142 --> 00:54:40,643
all sort of flattened out.
1180
00:54:40,644 --> 00:54:42,646
It's been
in the steam room.
1181
00:54:42,646 --> 00:54:43,647
It has?
1182
00:54:45,649 --> 00:54:47,484
It looks like spaghetti
and meatballs,
1183
00:54:47,484 --> 00:54:49,068
all sort of
flattened out.
1184
00:54:49,069 --> 00:54:51,704
Oh, yes, Harold.
Truly enviable.
1185
00:54:51,705 --> 00:54:55,792
As opposed to you, who knows
so much about haute cuisine.
1186
00:54:55,792 --> 00:54:59,212
Raconteur, gourmet, troll.
1187
00:55:01,214 --> 00:55:03,883
It's good.
You like it? Eat it.
1188
00:55:03,883 --> 00:55:05,918
Stuff your mouth
so you can't say anything.
1189
00:55:05,919 --> 00:55:07,136
Turning!
1190
00:55:07,137 --> 00:55:08,721
Wine?
No, thanks. Water.
1191
00:55:08,722 --> 00:55:10,724
Oh, go on, kiddo,
force yourself.
1192
00:55:10,724 --> 00:55:11,725
Have a little
vin ordinaire
1193
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:13,927
to wash down all
that depressed pasta.
1194
00:55:13,927 --> 00:55:17,430
Sommelier,
connoisseur, pig.
1195
00:55:17,430 --> 00:55:20,232
Aren't you gonna have some of that fantastic sauce you made?
1196
00:55:20,233 --> 00:55:22,602
No. My lip hurts
too much to eat.
1197
00:55:22,602 --> 00:55:25,187
I hear that if you puts a knife under the bed,
1198
00:55:25,188 --> 00:55:27,406
it cuts the pain.
1199
00:55:27,407 --> 00:55:28,991
I hear if you put
a knife under your chin,
1200
00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:30,777
it cuts your throat.
1201
00:55:32,612 --> 00:55:34,614
Is anyone going to
bring a plate up to Alan?
1202
00:55:34,614 --> 00:55:37,917
The punching bag has now
dissolved into Flo Nightingale.
1203
00:55:39,202 --> 00:55:40,786
Ladies and gentlemen.
1204
00:55:40,787 --> 00:55:42,672
Oh, correction.
1205
00:55:42,672 --> 00:55:44,757
Ladies and ladies.
1206
00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:46,760
I would like to announce
that you have just eaten
1207
00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:47,677
Sebastian Venable.
1208
00:55:49,012 --> 00:55:50,763
Uh, just eaten what?
1209
00:55:50,764 --> 00:55:52,849
Well, not what,
stupid. Who.
1210
00:55:52,849 --> 00:55:54,851
A character in a play.
1211
00:55:54,851 --> 00:55:56,352
A fairy who got eaten alive.
1212
00:55:59,055 --> 00:56:00,473
I mean the chop, chop variety.
1213
00:56:01,775 --> 00:56:04,611
Hm. Jesus.
1214
00:56:04,611 --> 00:56:07,280
Emory, how much
did you pay for him?
1215
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:09,065
He was a steal.
1216
00:56:09,065 --> 00:56:10,649
He's a ham sandwich.
1217
00:56:10,650 --> 00:56:13,152
Fifty cents, any time
of the day or night.
1218
00:56:13,153 --> 00:56:16,206
King of the pig people.
1219
00:56:16,206 --> 00:56:17,790
Would you like
some more, Donald?
1220
00:56:17,791 --> 00:56:19,492
Uh, no thanks, Emory.
It was very good though.
1221
00:56:19,492 --> 00:56:21,544
Did you like it?
1222
00:56:21,544 --> 00:56:25,331
I'm not a steal.
I cost $20.
1223
00:56:27,133 --> 00:56:28,217
The cake?
1224
00:56:28,218 --> 00:56:30,720
Well, you go get it.
1225
00:56:30,720 --> 00:56:33,422
Isn't anyone going to have seconds?
1226
00:56:33,423 --> 00:56:36,592
I'm having seconds,
and thirds,
1227
00:56:36,593 --> 00:56:38,177
and maybe even
fifths.
1228
00:56:38,178 --> 00:56:41,014
I'm absolutely desperate
to keep the weight up.
1229
00:56:41,014 --> 00:56:44,934
You're absolutely paranoid
about absolutely everything.
1230
00:56:44,934 --> 00:56:46,602
Oh, yeah?
1231
00:56:49,105 --> 00:56:51,991
Well, why don't you
not tell me about it?
1232
00:56:53,359 --> 00:56:55,361
You starve yourself
all day,
1233
00:56:55,361 --> 00:56:57,863
living on coffee
and cottage cheese,
1234
00:56:57,864 --> 00:57:00,867
so that you can gorge
yourself at one meal.
1235
00:57:00,867 --> 00:57:03,369
And then you feel guilty,
and moan and piss
1236
00:57:03,369 --> 00:57:05,371
about how fat you are,
and how ugly you are.
1237
00:57:05,371 --> 00:57:06,872
When the truth is,
you're not fatter
1238
00:57:06,873 --> 00:57:08,457
and no thinner
than you ever are.
1239
00:57:08,458 --> 00:57:09,509
Polly Paranoia.
1240
00:57:10,460 --> 00:57:12,128
Just great, Emory.
Thank you.
1241
00:57:12,128 --> 00:57:15,214
Connie Casserole,
no trouble at all.
1242
00:57:15,215 --> 00:57:16,633
Oh, Mary, don't ask.
1243
00:57:16,633 --> 00:57:18,551
And this
pathological lateness.
1244
00:57:18,551 --> 00:57:20,135
It's downright
crazy.
1245
00:57:20,136 --> 00:57:21,554
Turning.
1246
00:57:21,554 --> 00:57:25,057
Standing in front of a bathroom
mirror for hours and hours
1247
00:57:25,058 --> 00:57:27,310
before you can walk out
onto the street?
1248
00:57:27,310 --> 00:57:28,811
And then looking
no different.
1249
00:57:28,812 --> 00:57:30,697
After Christ knows
how many applications
1250
00:57:30,697 --> 00:57:32,281
of Christ knows
how many ointments,
1251
00:57:32,282 --> 00:57:34,317
and salves
and creams and masks.
1252
00:57:34,317 --> 00:57:36,902
I've got bad skin.
What can I tell you?
1253
00:57:36,903 --> 00:57:38,487
Who wouldn't after
they deliberately
1254
00:57:38,488 --> 00:57:39,989
take a pair of tweezers
1255
00:57:39,989 --> 00:57:42,491
and deliberately
mutilate their pores.
1256
00:57:42,492 --> 00:57:44,494
No wonder you've got
holes in your face,
1257
00:57:44,494 --> 00:57:46,996
after the hack job
you've done on yourself.
1258
00:57:46,996 --> 00:57:48,547
Year in and
year out.
1259
00:57:48,548 --> 00:57:50,716
You hateful sow.
1260
00:57:50,717 --> 00:57:52,301
Yes, you've got scars
on your face,
1261
00:57:52,302 --> 00:57:53,803
but they're not that bad.
1262
00:57:53,803 --> 00:57:55,805
And if you'd
leave yourself alone,
1263
00:57:55,805 --> 00:57:58,340
you wouldn't have any more than
you've already awarded yourself.
1264
00:57:58,341 --> 00:57:59,925
You'd really like me
to compliment you now
1265
00:57:59,926 --> 00:58:02,144
for being so honest,
wouldn't you?
1266
00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:04,230
For being my best friend,
1267
00:58:04,230 --> 00:58:06,515
who will tell me what even
my best friends won't tell me.
1268
00:58:09,819 --> 00:58:11,353
Slut.
1269
00:58:11,354 --> 00:58:13,439
And the pills.
1270
00:58:13,439 --> 00:58:15,441
Harold has been
gathering and storing
1271
00:58:15,441 --> 00:58:17,943
and saving up barbiturates
for the past year
1272
00:58:17,944 --> 00:58:20,446
like a goddamn squirrel.
1273
00:58:20,446 --> 00:58:23,449
Hundreds of Nembutals,
hundreds of Seconals.
1274
00:58:23,449 --> 00:58:26,618
All in preparation for
and anticipation of
1275
00:58:26,619 --> 00:58:28,504
the long winter
of his death.
1276
00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:30,089
Well, I'll tell you
something, Hallie.
1277
00:58:30,089 --> 00:58:32,007
When the time comes,
you won't have the guts.
1278
00:58:32,008 --> 00:58:34,377
It's not always
like it happens in plays.
1279
00:58:34,377 --> 00:58:38,848
Not all faggots bump themselves
off at the end of the story.
1280
00:58:43,720 --> 00:58:45,722
What you're saying
may be true.
1281
00:58:45,722 --> 00:58:48,725
Time will
undoubtedly tell.
1282
00:58:48,725 --> 00:58:50,727
In the meantime,
you've left out one detail.
1283
00:58:52,061 --> 00:58:54,146
The cosmetics and astringents
are paid for.
1284
00:58:54,147 --> 00:58:57,150
The bathroom is paid for.
The tweezers are paid for.
1285
00:58:57,150 --> 00:58:58,568
And the pills are paid for.
1286
00:59:11,331 --> 00:59:14,217
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
1287
00:59:14,217 --> 00:59:16,836
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
1288
00:59:16,836 --> 00:59:21,223
♪ Happy birthday, dear Harold ♪
1289
00:59:21,224 --> 00:59:26,262
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
1290
00:59:26,262 --> 00:59:28,180
Blow out your candles,
Mary, and make a wish.
1291
00:59:32,068 --> 00:59:34,987
Aw, he's 32 years young!
1292
00:59:39,492 --> 00:59:40,993
Come over here, Harold.
1293
00:59:41,995 --> 00:59:43,997
Surprise!
1294
00:59:43,997 --> 00:59:46,082
- Oh, my God, they're beautiful.
- Take one.
1295
00:59:46,082 --> 00:59:48,451
All right,
I'll take the red one.
1296
00:59:48,451 --> 00:59:50,286
I'll take...
1297
00:59:50,286 --> 00:59:51,587
Where's the card?
1298
00:59:51,588 --> 00:59:52,872
Oh, what'd you
do with it, Emory?
1299
00:59:52,872 --> 00:59:54,506
It's between
my legs. Heh.
1300
00:59:59,512 --> 01:00:02,181
"From Larry."
1301
01:00:02,181 --> 01:00:03,765
Ohh!
1302
01:00:12,275 --> 01:00:15,361
Oh, it's heaven.
I love it, Larry.
1303
01:00:16,813 --> 01:00:17,897
What is it?
1304
01:00:17,897 --> 01:00:20,816
It's the deed
to Boardwalk.
1305
01:00:20,817 --> 01:00:21,617
Gay pop art.
1306
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:23,236
Butchest thing
you've ever seen.
1307
01:00:23,236 --> 01:00:27,123
It is super, Larry.
Did you blow it up yourself?
1308
01:00:28,491 --> 01:00:30,326
It goes up
the minute I get home.
1309
01:00:32,378 --> 01:00:34,463
I don't get it. You cruise
Atlantic City or something?
1310
01:00:37,166 --> 01:00:38,250
Will somebody
1311
01:00:38,251 --> 01:00:39,135
get him out of here?
1312
01:00:41,387 --> 01:00:43,389
Oh.
1313
01:00:43,389 --> 01:00:46,058
What a nifty sweater.
1314
01:00:47,927 --> 01:00:49,011
Thank you, Hank.
1315
01:00:49,012 --> 01:00:50,513
Well, you know, if you
don't like it, I--
1316
01:00:50,513 --> 01:00:52,014
You can always
take it back and--
1317
01:00:52,015 --> 01:00:53,516
And exchange it
for something else.
1318
01:00:53,516 --> 01:00:56,018
No, I think this one's
just nifty.
1319
01:00:56,019 --> 01:00:57,987
It's gorgeous.
1320
01:00:57,987 --> 01:00:59,571
Who wanted cake?
1321
01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:01,440
Everyone for cake?
Quick.
1322
01:01:01,441 --> 01:01:02,525
Oh, none for me, please.
1323
01:01:02,525 --> 01:01:04,777
No, I'd just like to sleep
on mine, thank you.
1324
01:01:06,863 --> 01:01:08,331
Oh, Bernard,
1325
01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:10,082
how divine.
1326
01:01:10,083 --> 01:01:13,169
Look, everybody.
Bejeweled kneepads.
1327
01:01:14,620 --> 01:01:15,754
Monogrammed.
1328
01:01:16,839 --> 01:01:19,208
Bernard,
you're a camp.
1329
01:01:22,095 --> 01:01:24,180
You all heard of Gloria De Haven
and Billy De Wolfe?
1330
01:01:24,180 --> 01:01:27,132
Well, this here is
Rosemary De Camp.
1331
01:01:29,602 --> 01:01:30,552
Into the sack.
1332
01:01:45,785 --> 01:01:47,286
Thank you, Michael.
1333
01:01:47,286 --> 01:01:48,120
What?
1334
01:01:49,455 --> 01:01:50,372
Oh. You're welcome.
1335
01:01:51,741 --> 01:01:52,992
Well, what is it, Harold?
1336
01:01:54,577 --> 01:01:56,579
It's a photograph of him...
1337
01:01:56,579 --> 01:01:58,080
in a silver frame.
1338
01:01:58,081 --> 01:02:01,584
And there's an inscription
engraved, and the date.
1339
01:02:01,584 --> 01:02:03,085
What's it say?
1340
01:02:04,087 --> 01:02:06,089
Just something personal.
1341
01:02:06,089 --> 01:02:08,841
Say, Bernard, what do you say
we have a little music
1342
01:02:08,841 --> 01:02:10,309
to liven things up?
1343
01:02:10,309 --> 01:02:11,393
Okay.
1344
01:02:11,394 --> 01:02:13,262
Yeah, I feel like dancing.
1345
01:02:13,262 --> 01:02:14,346
Uh-oh.
1346
01:02:14,347 --> 01:02:16,349
How about something
good and ethnic, Emory.
1347
01:02:16,349 --> 01:02:17,850
Uh, one of
your specialties.
1348
01:02:17,850 --> 01:02:19,852
Like a military toe-tap
with sparklers.
1349
01:02:20,853 --> 01:02:21,854
I don't do that
at birthdays.
1350
01:02:21,854 --> 01:02:24,356
Only on the Fourth
of July.
1351
01:02:30,363 --> 01:02:31,364
Come on, Michael.
1352
01:02:32,865 --> 01:02:34,366
I only lead.
1353
01:02:34,367 --> 01:02:35,868
Well, I can follow.
1354
01:02:38,371 --> 01:02:41,374
No, thanks. I'll just
sit this one out.
1355
01:03:04,864 --> 01:03:06,365
Come on, Tex.
You're on.
1356
01:03:24,634 --> 01:03:25,801
Later.
1357
01:04:50,136 --> 01:04:51,720
Come on. Let's get this stuff
off the terrace.
1358
01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,422
Hey.
1359
01:05:29,292 --> 01:05:30,626
Come on, Cowboy.
1360
01:05:44,974 --> 01:05:46,058
Whoo-hoo.
1361
01:05:58,204 --> 01:05:59,238
Wanna dance?
1362
01:06:00,239 --> 01:06:02,741
Uh-oh. Ivan
the terrible is back.
1363
01:06:07,246 --> 01:06:09,748
Oh, hello, Alan.
Feel better?
1364
01:06:11,250 --> 01:06:13,502
This is where you came in,
isn't it?
1365
01:06:17,306 --> 01:06:20,809
Don't rush off in
this inclement weather.
1366
01:06:20,810 --> 01:06:22,311
You'll never
get a cab.
1367
01:06:24,063 --> 01:06:26,065
Revolution complete.
1368
01:06:28,934 --> 01:06:31,436
You've missed the cake...
1369
01:06:31,437 --> 01:06:35,441
and you've missed
the opening of the gifts...
1370
01:06:35,441 --> 01:06:37,943
but you're still
in luck.
1371
01:06:37,943 --> 01:06:41,446
You're just in time
for a little party game.
1372
01:06:46,702 --> 01:06:51,256
Hey, everybody. Game time.
1373
01:06:53,926 --> 01:06:56,378
Why don't you just
let him go, Michael?
1374
01:06:56,379 --> 01:06:59,965
Oh, he can go
if he wants to...
1375
01:06:59,965 --> 01:07:01,967
but not until we've played
a little game.
1376
01:07:01,967 --> 01:07:05,470
movie-star gin?
1377
01:07:06,972 --> 01:07:10,976
No. That's too faggy
for Alan to play.
1378
01:07:12,478 --> 01:07:13,979
He wouldn't be
any good at it.
1379
01:07:13,979 --> 01:07:16,231
What do you
wanna play, Michael?
1380
01:07:16,232 --> 01:07:17,816
The Truth Game?
1381
01:07:17,817 --> 01:07:20,152
Cute, Hallie.
1382
01:07:20,152 --> 01:07:22,237
Or do you wanna play Murder?
1383
01:07:22,238 --> 01:07:24,073
You all remember that one,
don't you?
1384
01:07:25,157 --> 01:07:26,908
Very, very cute.
1385
01:07:26,909 --> 01:07:28,493
As I recall,
they're similar.
1386
01:07:28,494 --> 01:07:32,464
The rules are the same
in both. You kill somebody.
1387
01:07:32,465 --> 01:07:34,166
Mickey, I'm leaving.
1388
01:07:34,166 --> 01:07:35,500
Stay where
you are.
1389
01:07:35,501 --> 01:07:36,585
Michael,
let him go.
1390
01:07:36,585 --> 01:07:37,586
He doesn't
really want to.
1391
01:07:37,586 --> 01:07:39,588
If he did, he'd have
left a long time ago.
1392
01:07:42,591 --> 01:07:44,593
Or he wouldn't have come
in the first place.
1393
01:07:46,562 --> 01:07:48,063
Mickey, I don't
feel well.
1394
01:07:50,566 --> 01:07:53,068
My name is Michael.
1395
01:07:53,069 --> 01:07:55,571
I am called Michael.
1396
01:07:55,571 --> 01:08:00,158
You must never call anyone
called Michael, Mickey.
1397
01:08:00,159 --> 01:08:01,660
Those of us
who are named Michael
1398
01:08:01,660 --> 01:08:03,161
get very nervous
about it.
1399
01:08:04,747 --> 01:08:05,748
I'm sorry. I can't think.
1400
01:08:05,748 --> 01:08:08,500
You can think. What
you can't do is leave.
1401
01:08:08,501 --> 01:08:11,587
It's like watching
an accident on the highway.
1402
01:08:11,587 --> 01:08:13,956
You can't look at it
and you can't look away.
1403
01:08:42,985 --> 01:08:44,319
Well, now...
1404
01:08:44,320 --> 01:08:46,905
who's gonna play
with Alan and me?
1405
01:08:46,906 --> 01:08:48,908
Everybody?
1406
01:08:48,908 --> 01:08:51,460
I have no intention
of playing.
1407
01:08:51,460 --> 01:08:52,961
Nor do I.
1408
01:08:52,962 --> 01:08:54,546
Well, not everybody's
a participant in life.
1409
01:08:54,547 --> 01:08:56,582
There are those who just stand
on the sidelines and watch.
1410
01:08:56,582 --> 01:08:58,050
Well, what's
the game?
1411
01:08:58,050 --> 01:08:59,634
Simply this.
1412
01:08:59,635 --> 01:09:04,139
We all have to call
on the telephone the one person
1413
01:09:04,140 --> 01:09:06,642
we truly believed
we have loved.
1414
01:09:09,478 --> 01:09:10,979
Oh, well,
I'm not playing then.
1415
01:09:10,980 --> 01:09:12,481
Oh, yes, you are.
1416
01:09:12,481 --> 01:09:14,983
Oh, you'd like me to,
wouldn't you?
1417
01:09:14,984 --> 01:09:17,353
You bet I would.
1418
01:09:17,353 --> 01:09:18,937
I'd like to know
who you'd call
1419
01:09:18,938 --> 01:09:22,191
after all those fancy speeches
I've been hearing lately.
1420
01:09:23,492 --> 01:09:24,993
Who would
you call?
1421
01:09:27,580 --> 01:09:28,864
Would you call me?
1422
01:09:29,615 --> 01:09:31,116
And who would you call?
1423
01:09:31,116 --> 01:09:32,117
Don't think
I think for one minute
1424
01:09:32,117 --> 01:09:34,119
it would be me
or that one call would do it.
1425
01:09:34,119 --> 01:09:35,620
You'd have to make several,
wouldn't you?
1426
01:09:35,621 --> 01:09:37,623
About three long-distance...
1427
01:09:37,623 --> 01:09:39,591
and God only knows
how many locals.
1428
01:09:39,592 --> 01:09:41,677
I-I-I'm glad I don't
have to pay the bill.
1429
01:09:41,677 --> 01:09:43,261
Quiet.
Oh, don't worry.
1430
01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:45,264
Michael won't
pay it either.
1431
01:09:45,264 --> 01:09:47,015
Now, here's
how it works.
1432
01:09:47,016 --> 01:09:49,601
If you make the call,
you get one point.
1433
01:09:49,602 --> 01:09:51,804
If the person you're calling
answers, you get two points.
1434
01:09:51,804 --> 01:09:54,439
If somebody else answers,
you only get one point.
1435
01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:57,526
And if nobody answers
at all, you're screwed.
1436
01:09:57,526 --> 01:09:59,694
You're screwed if
you make the call.
1437
01:09:59,695 --> 01:10:01,229
You're a fool
if you screw yourself.
1438
01:10:01,230 --> 01:10:03,282
And when you get the person
you've called on the line,
1439
01:10:03,282 --> 01:10:06,234
if you tell them who you are,
you get two more points.
1440
01:10:06,235 --> 01:10:09,655
And then if you tell them
that you love them,
1441
01:10:09,655 --> 01:10:12,290
you get a bonus
of five more points.
1442
01:10:12,291 --> 01:10:13,875
Hateful.
1443
01:10:13,876 --> 01:10:17,880
Therefore, you can get as many
as ten points and as few as one.
1444
01:10:17,880 --> 01:10:19,381
You can get
as few as none
1445
01:10:19,381 --> 01:10:20,632
if you know how
to work it.
1446
01:10:20,633 --> 01:10:22,167
Hank, leave with me.
1447
01:10:25,638 --> 01:10:29,091
You don't understand,
Alan. I can't.
1448
01:10:29,091 --> 01:10:30,175
Well, if he doesn't
understand it,
1449
01:10:30,175 --> 01:10:32,510
why don't you
explain it to him?
1450
01:10:32,511 --> 01:10:33,595
I'll explain it
to him.
1451
01:10:33,596 --> 01:10:35,598
I had a feeling
you might.
1452
01:10:35,598 --> 01:10:38,100
Although I doubt that
it'll make any difference.
1453
01:10:38,100 --> 01:10:39,601
That type refuses
to understand
1454
01:10:39,602 --> 01:10:41,937
that which they do not
wish to accept.
1455
01:10:41,937 --> 01:10:44,489
They reject
certain facts.
1456
01:10:47,443 --> 01:10:48,444
Alan...
1457
01:10:48,444 --> 01:10:50,946
Hank and Larry
are lovers.
1458
01:10:50,946 --> 01:10:54,950
Not just roommates,
bedmates.
1459
01:10:54,950 --> 01:10:56,701
Lovers.
Michael--
1460
01:10:56,702 --> 01:10:59,788
No man has a roommate
after he's 30 years old.
1461
01:10:59,788 --> 01:11:02,090
If they're not lovers,
they're sisters.
1462
01:11:02,091 --> 01:11:03,208
Hank's the one
who's over 30.
1463
01:11:03,208 --> 01:11:05,093
You're pushing it.
1464
01:11:06,345 --> 01:11:07,262
Hank?
1465
01:11:09,715 --> 01:11:11,850
Yes, Alan. Larry is my lover.
1466
01:11:11,850 --> 01:11:12,934
But you're married.
1467
01:11:16,805 --> 01:11:19,140
I think you said
the wrong thing.
1468
01:11:19,141 --> 01:11:21,726
Don't you just love
that quaint little idea?
1469
01:11:21,727 --> 01:11:25,731
If a man is married, he's
automatically heterosexual.
1470
01:11:25,731 --> 01:11:28,734
Alan, Hank swings
both ways...
1471
01:11:28,734 --> 01:11:31,737
but with a decided
preference.
1472
01:11:34,740 --> 01:11:35,707
Well, now...
1473
01:11:35,708 --> 01:11:37,793
who's gonna make
the first call?
1474
01:11:56,762 --> 01:11:57,763
Emory.
1475
01:12:06,989 --> 01:12:08,490
You go, Bernard.
1476
01:12:10,492 --> 01:12:11,493
I don't want to.
1477
01:12:11,493 --> 01:12:14,946
I don't want to either.
I don't want to at all.
1478
01:12:14,947 --> 01:12:16,531
There are no accidents.
1479
01:12:16,532 --> 01:12:17,866
Then may I say,
1480
01:12:17,866 --> 01:12:18,950
that on your way home,
1481
01:12:18,951 --> 01:12:21,036
I hope you will yourself
over an embankment.
1482
01:12:22,121 --> 01:12:24,256
Go on. Call up
Peter Dahlbeck.
1483
01:12:24,256 --> 01:12:26,041
That's who you'd like
to call, isn't it?
1484
01:12:26,041 --> 01:12:28,209
Who is Peter Dahlbeck?
1485
01:12:28,210 --> 01:12:30,795
Boy in Detroit whose family
Bernard's mother
1486
01:12:30,796 --> 01:12:33,882
has been a laundress for
since he was a pickaninny.
1487
01:12:33,882 --> 01:12:35,884
I worked for them, too...
1488
01:12:36,385 --> 01:12:38,687
after school and every summer.
1489
01:12:40,556 --> 01:12:42,641
I think I've loved him
all my life.
1490
01:12:44,643 --> 01:12:46,144
Hmm.
1491
01:12:46,145 --> 01:12:48,147
But he never knew I was alive.
1492
01:12:49,648 --> 01:12:51,733
Besides, he's straight.
1493
01:12:51,734 --> 01:12:54,820
Oh, so nothing ever
happened between you?
1494
01:12:54,820 --> 01:12:56,822
Oh, they finally
made it...
1495
01:12:56,822 --> 01:12:58,323
in the pool house
one night
1496
01:12:58,323 --> 01:13:01,042
after a drunken
swimming party.
1497
01:13:01,043 --> 01:13:02,627
With the right wine
and the right music,
1498
01:13:02,628 --> 01:13:04,880
there are damn few
that aren't curious.
1499
01:13:04,880 --> 01:13:07,966
And afterwards, we went
swimming in the nude.
1500
01:13:07,966 --> 01:13:08,967
How romantic.
1501
01:13:08,967 --> 01:13:11,469
And the next morning you took
his coffee and Alka-Seltzer
1502
01:13:11,470 --> 01:13:13,472
up to him on a tray.
1503
01:13:15,974 --> 01:13:17,475
It was in
the afternoon.
1504
01:13:18,477 --> 01:13:20,479
I remember that I was
worried sick all morning
1505
01:13:20,479 --> 01:13:22,981
about having to face him.
1506
01:13:22,981 --> 01:13:24,983
He pretended like nothing
at all had happened.
1507
01:13:24,983 --> 01:13:26,484
Christ, he must have
been so drunk,
1508
01:13:26,485 --> 01:13:27,986
he didn't remember
a thing.
1509
01:13:28,987 --> 01:13:31,990
Yeah. Heh.
I was sure relieved.
1510
01:13:31,990 --> 01:13:34,492
Odd how that works.
1511
01:13:34,493 --> 01:13:37,996
Now, for ten points,
get that liar on the phone.
1512
01:14:04,306 --> 01:14:06,808
You know
the number?
1513
01:14:06,809 --> 01:14:09,311
Sure. He's back in
Grosse Pointe, living at home.
1514
01:14:10,813 --> 01:14:13,315
He just got separated
from his third wife.
1515
01:14:20,956 --> 01:14:23,041
D.A. or B.Y.?
1516
01:14:23,041 --> 01:14:26,627
He didn't even
give it time to find out.
1517
01:14:29,131 --> 01:14:31,133
Come on, Bernard.
Pick up the phone and dial.
1518
01:14:31,133 --> 01:14:32,884
You'll think
of something.
1519
01:14:32,885 --> 01:14:33,886
You know you
want to call him.
1520
01:14:33,886 --> 01:14:35,387
You know that,
don't you?
1521
01:14:35,387 --> 01:14:37,889
Well, go ahead.
1522
01:14:37,890 --> 01:14:39,892
Your curiosity has
got the best of you now,
1523
01:14:39,892 --> 01:14:43,345
so go on. Call him.
1524
01:14:49,651 --> 01:14:51,903
Hateful.
1525
01:14:51,904 --> 01:14:53,989
Oh, what's "D.A. or B.Y."?
1526
01:14:55,491 --> 01:14:58,911
Operator lingo for
"doesn't answer" or "busy."
1527
01:15:02,831 --> 01:15:05,283
Hello.
One point.
1528
01:15:05,284 --> 01:15:06,835
Who's speaking?
1529
01:15:09,338 --> 01:15:10,839
Oh, Mrs. Dahlbeck,
um--
1530
01:15:10,839 --> 01:15:12,841
One point.
1531
01:15:12,841 --> 01:15:15,376
It's Bernard.
Francine's boy.
1532
01:15:15,377 --> 01:15:16,294
Son, not boy.
1533
01:15:18,630 --> 01:15:20,632
How are you?
1534
01:15:20,632 --> 01:15:22,634
Good.
1535
01:15:26,138 --> 01:15:27,639
Oh, just fine,
thank you.
1536
01:15:28,640 --> 01:15:31,643
Um...Mrs. Dahlbeck,
is...
1537
01:15:31,643 --> 01:15:32,644
Peter at home?
1538
01:15:35,147 --> 01:15:37,149
Oh. Oh, I-- I see.
1539
01:15:37,149 --> 01:15:38,150
Bullshit.
1540
01:15:39,151 --> 01:15:40,902
No, no, it's
nothing important. I--
1541
01:15:42,204 --> 01:15:44,873
I just wanted to tell him
that I, um...
1542
01:15:44,873 --> 01:15:46,491
That I love him.
I've always loved him.
1543
01:15:49,578 --> 01:15:51,079
I just wanted to tell him
that I was sorry to hear
1544
01:15:51,079 --> 01:15:52,046
about him and his wife.
1545
01:15:52,047 --> 01:15:53,415
No points.
1546
01:15:53,415 --> 01:15:55,333
My-- My mother wrote me, yes.
1547
01:15:55,334 --> 01:15:57,919
Yes, it is.
It really is.
1548
01:16:00,422 --> 01:16:02,424
Well...would you just
tell him that I called
1549
01:16:02,424 --> 01:16:04,426
and said I was very,
very sorry to hear,
1550
01:16:04,426 --> 01:16:05,927
and I hope they can
get it straightened out.
1551
01:16:08,430 --> 01:16:09,431
Yes.
1552
01:16:12,434 --> 01:16:13,435
Yes.
1553
01:16:15,437 --> 01:16:16,938
Goodbye.
1554
01:16:21,443 --> 01:16:23,194
Two points total.
Terrible.
1555
01:16:23,195 --> 01:16:25,280
Next?
1556
01:16:25,280 --> 01:16:27,782
Are you all right,
Bernard?
1557
01:16:30,786 --> 01:16:32,788
Why did I call?
1558
01:16:36,792 --> 01:16:37,759
Why did I do that?
1559
01:16:39,294 --> 01:16:41,296
Where
was he?
1560
01:16:42,798 --> 01:16:43,799
Out on a date.
1561
01:16:51,523 --> 01:16:53,691
Come on, Emory.
Punch in.
1562
01:17:10,042 --> 01:17:12,044
Can I have the number
in the Bronx
1563
01:17:12,044 --> 01:17:14,296
for a Delbert Botts,
please?
1564
01:17:14,296 --> 01:17:17,382
A Delbert Botts.
How many can there be?
1565
01:17:17,382 --> 01:17:19,467
I wish I hadn't called now.
1566
01:17:19,468 --> 01:17:21,336
No, the residence number, please.
1567
01:17:28,677 --> 01:17:30,061
Tha-- Thank you.
1568
01:17:32,431 --> 01:17:35,484
I wish information would
stop calling me "ma'am."
1569
01:17:36,518 --> 01:17:38,486
By all means,
1570
01:17:38,487 --> 01:17:39,571
scribble all over
my telephone.
1571
01:17:39,571 --> 01:17:41,573
Comes off with a little spit.
1572
01:17:41,573 --> 01:17:43,575
Like a lot of things.
1573
01:17:43,575 --> 01:17:45,026
Who in the hell
1574
01:17:45,027 --> 01:17:47,195
is Delbert Botts?
1575
01:17:47,195 --> 01:17:50,615
He's the one person
I've always loved.
1576
01:17:52,951 --> 01:17:54,953
That's who you said
to call, isn't it?
1577
01:17:54,953 --> 01:17:56,955
That's right,
Emory Board.
1578
01:17:56,955 --> 01:18:00,091
Look, how could you love anybody
with a name like that?
1579
01:18:00,092 --> 01:18:01,676
Yes, Emory. You couldn't
love anybody
1580
01:18:01,677 --> 01:18:03,045
with a name
like that.
1581
01:18:03,962 --> 01:18:06,965
It wouldn't look good
on a place card.
1582
01:18:06,965 --> 01:18:07,966
Isn't that right, Alan?
1583
01:18:07,966 --> 01:18:10,518
I admit his name
is not so good,
1584
01:18:10,519 --> 01:18:12,103
but he's absolutely
beautiful.
1585
01:18:13,105 --> 01:18:15,107
At least he was
when I was in school.
1586
01:18:17,109 --> 01:18:18,610
Of course, I haven't
seen him since,
1587
01:18:18,610 --> 01:18:21,529
and he was about seven years
older than I, even then.
1588
01:18:21,530 --> 01:18:23,615
Christ, you'd better call him
quick before he dies.
1589
01:18:26,151 --> 01:18:28,153
I've loved him
ever since the first day
1590
01:18:28,153 --> 01:18:29,654
I laid eyes on him...
1591
01:18:29,654 --> 01:18:32,456
which was when
I was in the fifth grade
1592
01:18:32,457 --> 01:18:33,541
and he was a senior.
1593
01:18:35,043 --> 01:18:36,544
And then he went away
to college,
1594
01:18:36,545 --> 01:18:38,046
and by the time
he got out,
1595
01:18:38,046 --> 01:18:40,832
I was in high school,
and he had become a dentist.
1596
01:18:40,832 --> 01:18:42,300
A dentist?
1597
01:18:42,300 --> 01:18:45,886
Yes. Delbert Botts, D.D.S.
1598
01:18:47,889 --> 01:18:50,841
He opened his office
in a bank building.
1599
01:18:50,842 --> 01:18:53,427
So you went and had every tooth
in your head pulled out, right?
1600
01:18:58,233 --> 01:19:01,236
No, I just had my teeth
cleaned, that's all.
1601
01:19:02,404 --> 01:19:04,322
I shouldn't have called.
1602
01:19:04,322 --> 01:19:05,406
Bernard, will you
shut up and go take
1603
01:19:05,407 --> 01:19:07,859
your boring, sleep-making icks
somewhere else?
1604
01:19:20,872 --> 01:19:22,874
I remember I looked
right into his eyes
1605
01:19:22,874 --> 01:19:24,375
the whole time.
1606
01:19:24,376 --> 01:19:26,378
Kept wanting to bite
his fingers.
1607
01:19:28,380 --> 01:19:31,883
Well, it's absolutely
mind-boggling.
1608
01:19:31,883 --> 01:19:33,384
Phyllis
Phallic.
1609
01:19:33,385 --> 01:19:36,388
It absolutely
boggles the mind.
1610
01:19:36,388 --> 01:19:37,222
Alan.
1611
01:19:38,557 --> 01:19:39,558
Thank you,
Donald.
1612
01:19:40,559 --> 01:19:42,561
Sara Samaritan.
1613
01:19:42,561 --> 01:19:45,030
I told him I was having my teeth cleaned
1614
01:19:45,030 --> 01:19:46,114
for the junior-senior
prom,
1615
01:19:46,114 --> 01:19:48,616
for which I was in charge
of decorations.
1616
01:19:50,619 --> 01:19:52,621
I told him it was
a celestial theme,
1617
01:19:52,621 --> 01:19:54,623
and I was cutting stars
out of tinfoil,
1618
01:19:54,623 --> 01:19:56,625
and making clouds
from angel's hair
1619
01:19:56,625 --> 01:19:57,626
and chicken wire.
1620
01:20:01,630 --> 01:20:05,083
Mary, it takes a fairy
to make something pretty.
1621
01:20:08,336 --> 01:20:12,340
He was engaged to this
stupid-ass girl named Loraine,
1622
01:20:12,340 --> 01:20:14,842
whose mother was
truly Supercunt.
1623
01:20:14,843 --> 01:20:15,844
Don't
digress.
1624
01:20:18,847 --> 01:20:20,431
Anyway,
I was a wreck.
1625
01:20:20,432 --> 01:20:23,351
I mean, I was
a total mess.
1626
01:20:23,351 --> 01:20:25,936
Finally, I called him
on the telephone
1627
01:20:25,937 --> 01:20:28,439
and asked him if I could
see him alone.
1628
01:20:28,440 --> 01:20:31,443
Clearly not
the coolest of moves.
1629
01:20:31,443 --> 01:20:34,946
He said okay and told me
to come by his house.
1630
01:20:36,448 --> 01:20:39,451
I was so nervous this time,
my voice was shaking
1631
01:20:39,451 --> 01:20:42,454
and my hands
were unsteady.
1632
01:20:42,454 --> 01:20:43,955
I couldn't even
look at him.
1633
01:20:43,955 --> 01:20:45,456
I just stared straight
ahead in space
1634
01:20:45,457 --> 01:20:47,375
and blurted out
why I'd come.
1635
01:20:51,096 --> 01:20:53,098
And I asked him to be my friend.
1636
01:20:54,432 --> 01:20:56,016
Poor bastard.
Shh!
1637
01:20:57,018 --> 01:20:59,520
He said he'd be glad
to be my friend.
1638
01:21:00,522 --> 01:21:03,024
And any time I wanted to
see him or call him
1639
01:21:03,024 --> 01:21:05,026
to just call him
and he'd see me.
1640
01:21:06,528 --> 01:21:10,532
Shook my trembling wet hand,
and I left on a cloud.
1641
01:21:10,532 --> 01:21:13,034
One of the ones
you made yourself?
1642
01:21:13,034 --> 01:21:15,036
And the next day I went out
and bought him
1643
01:21:15,036 --> 01:21:16,821
a gold-plated
cigarette lighter,
1644
01:21:16,821 --> 01:21:19,907
and had his initials
monogrammed on it.
1645
01:21:19,908 --> 01:21:21,910
And I wrote him
a card that said,
1646
01:21:21,910 --> 01:21:23,628
"From your
friend, Emory."
1647
01:21:23,628 --> 01:21:25,713
Seventeen years old
1648
01:21:25,714 --> 01:21:27,632
and already big
with the gifts.
1649
01:21:28,550 --> 01:21:31,553
And the night of the prom
I found out.
1650
01:21:31,553 --> 01:21:33,388
Found out
what?
1651
01:21:38,677 --> 01:21:42,180
I heard Loraine and another girl
I knew giggling together.
1652
01:21:44,683 --> 01:21:47,185
Pretty soon everyone at
the dance had heard about it.
1653
01:21:47,185 --> 01:21:49,187
They were all laughing
and making jokes.
1654
01:21:52,190 --> 01:21:55,193
Everyone knew I had a crush
on Dr. Delbert Botts
1655
01:21:55,193 --> 01:21:57,195
and that I asked him
to be my friend.
1656
01:22:03,201 --> 01:22:06,204
And what they didn't know
was that I loved him.
1657
01:22:08,206 --> 01:22:10,708
And that I'd go on
loving him years after
1658
01:22:10,709 --> 01:22:12,711
they had all forgotten
my funny secret.
1659
01:22:19,718 --> 01:22:23,354
Well, I for one, need
an insulin injection.
1660
01:22:25,557 --> 01:22:27,392
Call him.
Don't, Emory.
1661
01:22:27,392 --> 01:22:29,227
Since when are you
telling him what to do?
1662
01:22:29,227 --> 01:22:32,313
What do I care? I'm pissed.
I'll do anything three times.
1663
01:22:32,314 --> 01:22:34,366
Don't, please.
I said call him.
1664
01:22:34,366 --> 01:22:36,067
Don't. You'll be sorry.
Take my word for it.
1665
01:22:36,067 --> 01:22:37,785
What have I got to lose?
1666
01:22:37,786 --> 01:22:39,621
Your dignity. That's
what you've got to lose.
1667
01:22:39,621 --> 01:22:41,739
Well, that's a knee-slapper.
1668
01:22:41,740 --> 01:22:43,324
I love your telling him
about dignity,
1669
01:22:43,325 --> 01:22:45,827
when you allow him
to degrade you constantly
1670
01:22:45,827 --> 01:22:48,079
by Uncle Tomming
you to death.
1671
01:22:48,079 --> 01:22:50,631
He can do it, Michael.
1672
01:22:50,632 --> 01:22:52,550
I can do it.
You can't do it.
1673
01:22:52,550 --> 01:22:54,885
Isn't that discrimination?
I don't like it from him.
1674
01:22:54,886 --> 01:22:55,970
I don't like it
from me.
1675
01:22:55,971 --> 01:22:57,806
I do it to myself,
and I let him do it.
1676
01:22:57,806 --> 01:23:00,675
I let him do it because
it's the only thing that,
1677
01:23:00,675 --> 01:23:01,976
to him, makes him
my equal.
1678
01:23:01,977 --> 01:23:03,561
You all want to hear
1679
01:23:03,561 --> 01:23:07,014
a polite little parlor jest
from the liberal Deep South?
1680
01:23:07,015 --> 01:23:10,101
You know why nigras
have such big lips?
1681
01:23:10,101 --> 01:23:12,570
'Cause they're always going:
1682
01:23:13,655 --> 01:23:15,823
You son of a bitch!
Jesus Christ, Michael!
1683
01:23:15,824 --> 01:23:17,275
Michael, why don't you lay off.
1684
01:23:18,526 --> 01:23:20,110
And I can do without
your goddamn spit
1685
01:23:20,111 --> 01:23:21,112
all over my telephone,
1686
01:23:21,112 --> 01:23:23,114
you nelly coward.
1687
01:23:23,114 --> 01:23:25,616
I may be nelly, Michael,
but I'm no coward.
1688
01:23:42,600 --> 01:23:44,602
B.Y.
Mm, it's busy?
1689
01:23:46,104 --> 01:23:48,389
Loraine is probably
speaking to her mother.
1690
01:23:49,691 --> 01:23:52,360
Oh, yes. Delbert
married Loraine.
1691
01:23:52,360 --> 01:23:54,445
Well, I'm sorry.
We can't wait.
1692
01:23:54,446 --> 01:23:55,864
You forfeit
your turn.
1693
01:24:04,155 --> 01:24:06,657
Well, you're not
wasting any time.
1694
01:24:08,076 --> 01:24:09,077
Who are you
calling?
1695
01:24:12,080 --> 01:24:14,832
Charlie.
I refuse to forfeit my turn.
1696
01:24:14,833 --> 01:24:17,302
It's my turn
and I'm taking it.
1697
01:24:17,302 --> 01:24:18,386
That's the spirit, Emory.
1698
01:24:18,386 --> 01:24:20,504
Hit that iceberg.
Don't miss it!
1699
01:24:20,505 --> 01:24:22,089
Hit it, goddamn it!
1700
01:24:22,090 --> 01:24:23,975
I want a smash of a finale!
1701
01:24:25,310 --> 01:24:26,594
God, I'm drunk.
1702
01:24:26,594 --> 01:24:29,179
A falling-down drunk
nelly queen.
1703
01:24:29,180 --> 01:24:32,516
Well, that's the pot
calling the kettle beige.
1704
01:24:32,517 --> 01:24:33,601
I am not drunk!
1705
01:24:36,604 --> 01:24:38,405
You cannot tell that I am drunk.
1706
01:24:40,358 --> 01:24:41,826
Donald, I'm not drunk, am I?
1707
01:24:43,244 --> 01:24:44,745
I'm drunk.
1708
01:24:44,746 --> 01:24:47,615
So am I. I'm
a major drunk.
1709
01:24:47,615 --> 01:24:49,700
Shut up
and dial.
1710
01:24:51,703 --> 01:24:54,706
I'm a major drunk of
this or any other season.
1711
01:24:59,210 --> 01:25:01,212
It's ringing.
1712
01:25:01,212 --> 01:25:04,215
It's no longer B.Y.
1713
01:25:06,718 --> 01:25:08,720
Hello, who's speaking?
1714
01:25:08,720 --> 01:25:10,722
One point.
Who?
1715
01:25:12,724 --> 01:25:14,525
Dr. Delbert Botts.
1716
01:25:14,526 --> 01:25:15,610
Two points.
1717
01:25:17,612 --> 01:25:19,614
Del, is this
really you?
1718
01:25:23,651 --> 01:25:24,652
Nobody.
1719
01:25:26,654 --> 01:25:28,155
You don't know me.
1720
01:25:30,158 --> 01:25:31,659
You wouldn't remember me.
1721
01:25:33,661 --> 01:25:35,663
I'm just a friend.
1722
01:25:38,166 --> 01:25:40,468
Falling-down drunken friend.
1723
01:25:43,755 --> 01:25:44,756
Hello?
1724
01:25:51,763 --> 01:25:52,647
He hung up.
1725
01:25:54,232 --> 01:25:56,234
Three points total.
1726
01:25:56,234 --> 01:25:57,735
You're winning.
1727
01:25:58,736 --> 01:26:01,739
He said I must have
the wrong party.
1728
01:26:01,739 --> 01:26:03,490
He's right.
1729
01:26:03,491 --> 01:26:05,493
We have the wrong party.
1730
01:26:09,113 --> 01:26:10,614
It's your party, Hallie.
1731
01:26:12,116 --> 01:26:14,001
Aren't you having
a good time?
1732
01:26:15,870 --> 01:26:17,872
Simply fabulous.
1733
01:26:17,872 --> 01:26:19,874
What about you?
1734
01:26:19,874 --> 01:26:21,375
You having
a good time, Emory?
1735
01:26:22,877 --> 01:26:25,012
Are you having as good a time
as you thought you would?
1736
01:26:25,013 --> 01:26:26,547
If you're bored, Harold,
1737
01:26:26,548 --> 01:26:29,050
we could sing
"Happy Birthday" again
1738
01:26:29,050 --> 01:26:30,017
to the tune of
"Hava Nagila."
1739
01:26:34,973 --> 01:26:38,276
Not for all the tea
in Mexico.
1740
01:26:38,276 --> 01:26:39,860
My turn now.
1741
01:26:39,861 --> 01:26:40,862
No, it's my turn
to call Charlie.
1742
01:26:40,862 --> 01:26:41,863
Nope. Let me.
1743
01:26:42,864 --> 01:26:44,365
You gonna call
Charlie?
1744
01:26:44,365 --> 01:26:46,367
The score
is three to two.
1745
01:26:46,367 --> 01:26:48,369
Emory's favor.
Don't, Hank.
1746
01:26:48,369 --> 01:26:50,371
Don't you see
Bernard was right?
1747
01:26:50,371 --> 01:26:51,372
I want to.
1748
01:26:54,876 --> 01:26:56,377
Larry.
1749
01:27:02,884 --> 01:27:04,385
Be my eager guest.
1750
01:27:06,087 --> 01:27:08,889
Is he gonna call
Charlie for you?
1751
01:27:08,890 --> 01:27:11,475
Charlie is all the people
I cheat on Hank with.
1752
01:27:11,476 --> 01:27:12,977
"With whom"
I cheat on Hank.
1753
01:27:12,977 --> 01:27:14,845
The butcher,
the baker,
1754
01:27:14,846 --> 01:27:16,430
the candlestick maker.
Right.
1755
01:27:16,431 --> 01:27:17,432
I love 'em all.
1756
01:27:18,933 --> 01:27:20,935
And what Hank refuses
to understand
1757
01:27:20,935 --> 01:27:23,437
is that I've got to
have them all.
1758
01:27:23,438 --> 01:27:25,857
I'm not the marrying kind,
and I never will be.
1759
01:27:27,275 --> 01:27:28,776
Gypsy feet.
1760
01:27:30,245 --> 01:27:32,747
Who you calling?
Did it ever occur to you
1761
01:27:32,747 --> 01:27:34,331
that Hank might be
doing behind your back
1762
01:27:34,332 --> 01:27:35,916
the same thing
that you do behind his?
1763
01:27:35,917 --> 01:27:38,002
Oh, I wish to Christ
he would.
1764
01:27:38,002 --> 01:27:41,005
It would make life
a hell of a lot easier.
1765
01:27:41,005 --> 01:27:42,673
Who are you calling?
1766
01:27:42,674 --> 01:27:44,625
Whoever it is,
they're not
1767
01:27:44,626 --> 01:27:46,628
sitting on top of
the telephone.
1768
01:27:46,628 --> 01:27:49,547
Hello.
Oh, uh, they must have been in the tub.
1769
01:27:49,547 --> 01:27:51,765
Eighty-six. One point.
1770
01:27:51,766 --> 01:27:53,217
I'd like to leave
a message please.
1771
01:27:53,217 --> 01:27:54,268
Not in?
1772
01:27:55,219 --> 01:27:56,720
One point.
1773
01:27:56,721 --> 01:27:57,722
Would you say that Hank called?
1774
01:27:58,723 --> 01:27:59,724
Yes, it is.
1775
01:28:00,725 --> 01:28:02,226
Oh. Good evening.
1776
01:28:02,226 --> 01:28:03,227
How are you?
1777
01:28:03,227 --> 01:28:04,978
Oh, who the hell is that?
1778
01:28:06,864 --> 01:28:09,199
Yes, that's right. The message
is for my roommate, Larry.
1779
01:28:09,200 --> 01:28:11,452
Would you just...say
that I called?
1780
01:28:11,452 --> 01:28:12,953
It's our answering service.
1781
01:28:14,322 --> 01:28:15,623
Said, "I love you."
1782
01:28:15,623 --> 01:28:16,540
Hank, are you crazy?
1783
01:28:16,541 --> 01:28:17,875
You didn't hear me
incorrectly,
1784
01:28:17,875 --> 01:28:19,376
that's what
I said.
1785
01:28:19,377 --> 01:28:20,878
The message is for Larry,
and it's from me, Hank,
1786
01:28:20,878 --> 01:28:22,379
and it's just
as I said, "I love you."
1787
01:28:23,881 --> 01:28:25,465
Thank you.
1788
01:28:25,466 --> 01:28:27,050
Seven points total.
1789
01:28:27,051 --> 01:28:28,552
You're way ahead,
Hank, baby.
1790
01:28:28,553 --> 01:28:30,922
You're way ahead
of everybody.
1791
01:28:30,922 --> 01:28:33,341
Why, Hank?
Why did you do that?
1792
01:28:33,341 --> 01:28:34,342
I do love him.
1793
01:28:36,344 --> 01:28:37,928
And I don't care
who knows it.
1794
01:28:37,929 --> 01:28:39,013
Don't say that.
1795
01:28:43,101 --> 01:28:44,102
Why not?
1796
01:28:45,103 --> 01:28:46,104
It's the truth.
1797
01:28:46,104 --> 01:28:47,605
I can't believe you.
1798
01:28:50,608 --> 01:28:53,661
I left my wife and family
for Larry, Alan.
1799
01:28:53,661 --> 01:28:55,746
I'm really not very interested
in hearing about it.
1800
01:28:55,747 --> 01:28:57,749
Sure you are.
1801
01:28:57,749 --> 01:28:59,751
Go on, Hankola,
tell him all about it.
1802
01:28:59,751 --> 01:29:01,753
No, I don't want to
hear it. It's disgusting.
1803
01:29:01,753 --> 01:29:03,588
Some men do it
for another woman.
1804
01:29:03,588 --> 01:29:05,122
Well, I can understand
that. That's normal.
1805
01:29:08,593 --> 01:29:10,094
Well, it just
doesn't always
1806
01:29:10,094 --> 01:29:11,595
work out
that way, Alan.
1807
01:29:12,597 --> 01:29:15,600
No matter how much
we might want it to.
1808
01:29:15,600 --> 01:29:17,101
God knows, nobody
ever wanted it to
1809
01:29:17,101 --> 01:29:18,051
more than
I did.
1810
01:29:20,104 --> 01:29:21,605
I mean, I really
and truly believed
1811
01:29:21,606 --> 01:29:23,608
I was in love with my wife
when I married her.
1812
01:29:23,608 --> 01:29:25,109
It wasn't
entirely my trying
1813
01:29:25,109 --> 01:29:26,610
to prove something
to myself.
1814
01:29:28,613 --> 01:29:29,614
No, I didn't...
1815
01:29:30,615 --> 01:29:33,117
love her. She
loved me. But, uh...
1816
01:29:34,118 --> 01:29:35,903
there was always
that something there.
1817
01:29:36,654 --> 01:29:37,655
Always?
1818
01:29:39,624 --> 01:29:40,625
I don't know.
1819
01:29:40,625 --> 01:29:42,576
I suppose so.
1820
01:29:42,577 --> 01:29:45,046
I've known what I was
since I was 4 years old.
1821
01:29:46,964 --> 01:29:48,465
I don't know when it was
1822
01:29:48,466 --> 01:29:50,968
that I first started
admitting it to myself.
1823
01:29:53,471 --> 01:29:55,473
For a long time, I either...
1824
01:29:55,473 --> 01:29:58,976
labeled it something else or...
1825
01:29:58,976 --> 01:30:00,978
denied it completely.
1826
01:30:00,978 --> 01:30:03,981
Christ, was I drunk last night.
1827
01:30:06,484 --> 01:30:07,485
But there did
come a time
1828
01:30:07,485 --> 01:30:09,987
when I just couldn't
lie to myself anymore.
1829
01:30:13,491 --> 01:30:15,493
I thought about it.
1830
01:30:15,493 --> 01:30:17,495
But I never did
anything about it.
1831
01:30:18,496 --> 01:30:20,498
I think...
1832
01:30:20,498 --> 01:30:23,000
the first time I ever really
did anything about it
1833
01:30:23,000 --> 01:30:26,003
was...during my wife's
last pregnancy.
1834
01:30:27,955 --> 01:30:30,507
There was a, uh...
1835
01:30:30,508 --> 01:30:32,593
teacher's meeting
here in New York.
1836
01:30:32,593 --> 01:30:34,177
My wife didn't
feel up to the trip,
1837
01:30:34,178 --> 01:30:36,680
so I said I would
come alone.
1838
01:30:36,681 --> 01:30:39,467
That day on the train,
I started to think about it.
1839
01:30:41,219 --> 01:30:43,221
And think about it, and...
1840
01:30:43,221 --> 01:30:44,722
think about it.
1841
01:30:44,722 --> 01:30:47,224
The whole trip I didn't
think about anything else.
1842
01:30:50,728 --> 01:30:52,229
Within 15 minutes
after I had arrived,
1843
01:30:52,230 --> 01:30:54,732
I'd picked up a guy
in the men's room
1844
01:30:54,732 --> 01:30:56,150
of Grand Central Station.
1845
01:30:56,150 --> 01:30:57,201
Jesus.
1846
01:30:58,152 --> 01:31:01,655
I'd never done anything
like that in my life before.
1847
01:31:01,656 --> 01:31:04,158
I was scared
to death.
1848
01:31:04,158 --> 01:31:06,160
But he turned out
to be a nice fellow.
1849
01:31:08,162 --> 01:31:10,130
I haven't seen him since,
of course.
1850
01:31:11,666 --> 01:31:13,668
And the funny
thing is...
1851
01:31:13,668 --> 01:31:16,303
I can't remember
his name anymore.
1852
01:31:19,557 --> 01:31:21,892
Anyway, after that,
it got easier.
1853
01:31:21,893 --> 01:31:24,312
Practice
makes perfect.
1854
01:31:27,181 --> 01:31:28,682
And then, not
too long after that,
1855
01:31:28,683 --> 01:31:30,685
Larry and I
met at a party
1856
01:31:30,685 --> 01:31:33,688
that my wife and I
had come into town for.
1857
01:31:33,688 --> 01:31:37,191
Then your real troubles began.
1858
01:31:37,191 --> 01:31:38,692
You know that was--
1859
01:31:38,693 --> 01:31:40,828
Was nearly
two years ago.
1860
01:31:40,828 --> 01:31:45,699
Why am I always the goddamn
villain in the piece.
1861
01:31:47,502 --> 01:31:50,004
If I'm not thought of
as a happy-home wrecker,
1862
01:31:50,004 --> 01:31:53,507
I'm an impossible
son of a bitch to live with.
1863
01:31:53,508 --> 01:31:55,626
Guilt turns
to hostility.
1864
01:31:55,626 --> 01:31:57,628
Isn't that right,
Michael?
1865
01:31:57,628 --> 01:31:59,963
Go stick your tweezers
in your cheek.
1866
01:31:59,964 --> 01:32:01,548
I'm fed up to my teeth
with everybody
1867
01:32:01,549 --> 01:32:05,052
feeling so goddamn sorry
for poor shat-upon Hank.
1868
01:32:05,052 --> 01:32:08,055
Oh, Larry. Everybody knows
you're Freda Fickle.
1869
01:32:08,055 --> 01:32:09,890
Look.
1870
01:32:09,891 --> 01:32:12,977
I've never made any promises,
and I don't intend to.
1871
01:32:12,977 --> 01:32:14,979
It's my right to lead
my sex life
1872
01:32:14,979 --> 01:32:16,981
without answering to anybody.
1873
01:32:16,981 --> 01:32:18,482
Hank included.
1874
01:32:18,482 --> 01:32:20,700
And if those terms
are not acceptable,
1875
01:32:20,701 --> 01:32:22,202
then we must not
live together.
1876
01:32:23,704 --> 01:32:26,573
Numerous relations is
a part of the way I am.
1877
01:32:26,574 --> 01:32:28,959
You don't have to be gay
to be wanton.
1878
01:32:28,960 --> 01:32:32,046
By "the way I am,"
I don't mean "being gay."
1879
01:32:32,046 --> 01:32:34,548
I mean my sexual appetite.
1880
01:32:34,549 --> 01:32:37,552
And I don't think of
myself as a wanton.
1881
01:32:39,053 --> 01:32:41,805
Oh, Emory, you're the most
promiscuous person I know.
1882
01:32:43,307 --> 01:32:44,808
I'm not promiscuous
at all.
1883
01:32:44,809 --> 01:32:46,760
Not by choice.
1884
01:32:46,761 --> 01:32:48,312
By design.
1885
01:32:49,814 --> 01:32:52,316
Who would want to go to bed with
a flaming little sissy like you?
1886
01:32:52,316 --> 01:32:53,317
Michael.
1887
01:32:53,317 --> 01:32:54,818
Who'd make
a pass at you?
1888
01:32:54,819 --> 01:32:56,854
I'll tell you who,
nobody.
1889
01:32:56,854 --> 01:33:00,440
Except some fugitive
from the Braille Institute.
1890
01:33:00,441 --> 01:33:02,075
Why do you let him
talk to you that way?
1891
01:33:02,076 --> 01:33:04,445
"Physical beauty
isn't everything."
1892
01:33:04,445 --> 01:33:05,996
Thank you, Quasimodo.
1893
01:33:05,997 --> 01:33:08,833
Do you know what it's like
living with the goddamn gestapo?
1894
01:33:08,833 --> 01:33:12,286
I can't breathe without
getting the third degree.
1895
01:33:12,286 --> 01:33:13,620
Larry, it's your turn to call.
1896
01:33:13,621 --> 01:33:14,922
You know, I can't
take all this
1897
01:33:14,922 --> 01:33:17,925
let's-be-faithful-and-never-
look-at-another-person routine,
1898
01:33:17,925 --> 01:33:19,509
because it just doesn't work.
1899
01:33:19,510 --> 01:33:21,094
If you want to
promise that, fine.
1900
01:33:21,095 --> 01:33:23,130
Then you do it
and you stick to it.
1901
01:33:23,130 --> 01:33:25,715
But if you have to promise it,
as far as I'm concerned,
1902
01:33:25,716 --> 01:33:27,968
nothing finishes
a relationship faster.
1903
01:33:29,804 --> 01:33:31,889
Give me Librium
or give me meth.
1904
01:33:31,889 --> 01:33:34,858
Yeah, freedom, baby.
Freedom.
1905
01:33:34,859 --> 01:33:35,943
You gotta have it.
1906
01:33:35,943 --> 01:33:38,395
It-- It just doesn't
work any other way.
1907
01:33:38,396 --> 01:33:41,949
Oh, and the ones who swear their
undying fidelity are lying.
1908
01:33:43,451 --> 01:33:45,536
90 percent of them anyway.
1909
01:33:45,536 --> 01:33:47,120
They cheat on
each other constantly
1910
01:33:47,121 --> 01:33:48,622
and lie through
their teeth.
1911
01:33:48,623 --> 01:33:50,124
Well, I'm sorry,
I can't be like that,
1912
01:33:50,124 --> 01:33:52,126
and it drives Hank
up the wall.
1913
01:33:52,126 --> 01:33:54,128
Yeah, well, there is
that 10 percent, Larry.
1914
01:33:54,128 --> 01:33:55,629
Well, the only way
that stands a chance
1915
01:33:55,630 --> 01:33:57,632
is with some sort of
an understanding.
1916
01:33:57,632 --> 01:33:59,634
Yeah, well, I've tried
to go along with that.
1917
01:33:59,634 --> 01:34:01,469
Oh, come on.
I agreed to an agreement.
1918
01:34:01,469 --> 01:34:02,303
Your agreement.
1919
01:34:03,587 --> 01:34:04,387
What agreement?
1920
01:34:05,640 --> 01:34:07,058
A ménage.
1921
01:34:08,643 --> 01:34:10,928
Oh, now, look, I know a lot of
people think that's the answer.
1922
01:34:10,928 --> 01:34:12,429
They don't consider
that cheating.
1923
01:34:12,430 --> 01:34:13,681
But it's not my style.
1924
01:34:13,681 --> 01:34:14,982
Well, I certainly
never wanted it.
1925
01:34:14,982 --> 01:34:16,483
Well, then
who suggested it?
1926
01:34:16,484 --> 01:34:17,485
Well, it was
a compromise.
1927
01:34:17,485 --> 01:34:19,270
Exactly.
And you agreed!
1928
01:34:19,270 --> 01:34:20,854
I didn't agree to anything.
1929
01:34:20,855 --> 01:34:24,775
You agreed to your own proposal
and informed me that I agreed.
1930
01:34:27,578 --> 01:34:29,663
Uh, I don't
understand.
1931
01:34:29,664 --> 01:34:30,498
What's a me--
1932
01:34:30,498 --> 01:34:32,082
A ménage à
trois, baby.
1933
01:34:32,083 --> 01:34:35,586
Two's company,
three's a ménage.
1934
01:34:35,586 --> 01:34:38,088
Well, it...
1935
01:34:38,089 --> 01:34:39,590
works for some.
1936
01:34:39,590 --> 01:34:42,042
Well, I'm not one
for group therapy.
1937
01:34:42,043 --> 01:34:45,096
I can't relate to anything
or anyone that way.
1938
01:34:45,096 --> 01:34:47,098
I'm old-fashioned.
I like 'em all,
1939
01:34:47,098 --> 01:34:48,966
but I like 'em
one at .
1940
01:34:48,966 --> 01:34:52,052
And did you like Donald
as a single side attraction?
1941
01:35:01,062 --> 01:35:02,446
Yes, I did.
1942
01:35:04,482 --> 01:35:06,066
So did I, Larry.
1943
01:35:07,485 --> 01:35:09,153
Did you tell him?
1944
01:35:09,153 --> 01:35:10,237
No.
1945
01:35:10,237 --> 01:35:14,241
It was obvious from the moment
you walked in the door.
1946
01:35:14,241 --> 01:35:16,243
What was this song and dance
about never having met
1947
01:35:16,243 --> 01:35:17,744
but having seen
each other?
1948
01:35:17,745 --> 01:35:19,747
It was true.
1949
01:35:19,747 --> 01:35:21,915
We saw each other at the baths
and went to bed together,
1950
01:35:21,916 --> 01:35:25,169
but we never spoke
a word, and we--
1951
01:35:25,169 --> 01:35:27,337
We never knew
each other's names.
1952
01:35:27,338 --> 01:35:29,423
You had better luck
than I do.
1953
01:35:29,423 --> 01:35:30,924
If I don't
get arrested,
1954
01:35:30,925 --> 01:35:32,927
my trick announces
on departure
1955
01:35:32,927 --> 01:35:34,929
that he's been
exposed to hepatitis.
1956
01:35:36,931 --> 01:35:38,399
What kind of an understanding
do you want?
1957
01:35:40,401 --> 01:35:43,404
Respect for
one another's freedom.
1958
01:35:43,404 --> 01:35:46,190
With no need to lie or pretend.
1959
01:35:47,491 --> 01:35:50,193
Hank, in my own way,
I love you.
1960
01:35:50,194 --> 01:35:53,197
But you've got to understand
that even though I do want to
1961
01:35:53,197 --> 01:35:55,949
go on living with you, that
sometimes there may be others.
1962
01:35:55,950 --> 01:35:58,035
Now, I don't want to
flaunt it in your face,
1963
01:35:58,035 --> 01:35:59,036
and I know if
it ever happens,
1964
01:35:59,036 --> 01:36:00,954
I'll never
mention it to you.
1965
01:36:00,955 --> 01:36:03,040
But if you ask me,
I'll tell you.
1966
01:36:03,040 --> 01:36:05,342
He gets points.
1967
01:36:05,342 --> 01:36:06,343
What?
1968
01:36:06,343 --> 01:36:08,345
He said it.
1969
01:36:08,345 --> 01:36:09,846
He said I love you to Hank,
he gets the bonus.
1970
01:36:09,847 --> 01:36:11,348
He didn't
call him.
1971
01:36:11,348 --> 01:36:13,883
Uh, he called him. He just
didn't use the telephone.
1972
01:36:13,884 --> 01:36:15,685
Then he doesn't get any points.
1973
01:36:15,686 --> 01:36:17,354
He gets five points.
1974
01:36:17,354 --> 01:36:18,438
He didn't use
the goddamn telephone!
1975
01:36:18,439 --> 01:36:20,224
He doesn't get a goddamn thing.
1976
01:36:41,712 --> 01:36:44,081
Hank.
It's for you.
1977
01:36:57,928 --> 01:36:59,095
Hello.
1978
01:36:59,096 --> 01:37:00,097
One point.
1979
01:37:00,981 --> 01:37:02,182
Hello, Hank.
1980
01:37:02,183 --> 01:37:03,267
Two points.
1981
01:37:03,267 --> 01:37:04,268
This is
Larry.
1982
01:37:04,268 --> 01:37:05,686
Two more points.
1983
01:37:07,605 --> 01:37:09,607
For what it's worth...
1984
01:37:12,610 --> 01:37:13,611
I love you.
1985
01:37:15,112 --> 01:37:16,947
Five points bonus.
1986
01:37:19,200 --> 01:37:20,784
I'll try.
1987
01:37:23,287 --> 01:37:24,288
I will too.
1988
01:37:30,928 --> 01:37:32,346
Larry's the winner.
1989
01:37:45,442 --> 01:37:48,528
Well, that wasn't as much fun
as I thought it would be.
1990
01:37:50,197 --> 01:37:52,032
The game isn't over yet.
1991
01:37:54,068 --> 01:37:55,736
Your turn,
Alan.
1992
01:37:55,736 --> 01:37:57,821
Pick up the telephone,
buster.
1993
01:37:57,821 --> 01:37:58,822
Michael, don't.
1994
01:37:58,822 --> 01:38:00,824
You keep out of this.
1995
01:38:00,824 --> 01:38:03,326
You don't
have to, Alan.
1996
01:38:03,327 --> 01:38:04,494
You don't have to.
1997
01:38:04,495 --> 01:38:06,997
Emory, I'm sorry
for what I did before.
1998
01:38:06,997 --> 01:38:08,081
Oh, forget it.
1999
01:38:08,082 --> 01:38:10,084
Forgive us
our trespasses.
2000
01:38:10,084 --> 01:38:13,587
Christ, now you're both
joined at the goddamn hip.
2001
01:38:13,587 --> 01:38:15,589
You can decorate his house
for him, Emory,
2002
01:38:15,589 --> 01:38:18,091
and he can get you out of jail
the next time you're arrested
2003
01:38:18,092 --> 01:38:19,593
on a morals charge.
2004
01:38:21,061 --> 01:38:22,562
Who are you gonna
call, Alan?
2005
01:38:24,481 --> 01:38:26,232
Can't remember anyone?
2006
01:38:27,518 --> 01:38:29,603
Well, maybe you need
a minute to think.
2007
01:38:29,603 --> 01:38:31,688
Is that it?
2008
01:38:33,657 --> 01:38:36,242
I believe this will be
the final round.
2009
01:38:40,781 --> 01:38:42,999
Aren't you gonna
call anyone, Michael?
2010
01:38:43,000 --> 01:38:44,501
How could he?
2011
01:38:44,501 --> 01:38:45,919
He's never loved
anyone.
2012
01:38:48,255 --> 01:38:50,757
♪ No matter how you figure
It's tough to be a nigger ♪
2013
01:38:50,758 --> 01:38:53,510
♪ But it's tougher
To be a Jew ♪
2014
01:38:53,510 --> 01:38:55,678
My God, Michael.
2015
01:38:55,679 --> 01:38:57,681
You're a charming host.
2016
01:38:57,681 --> 01:38:59,549
Michael doesn't have charm, Donald.
2017
01:38:59,550 --> 01:39:03,470
Michael has
counter-charm.
2018
01:39:04,805 --> 01:39:06,807
You going somewhere?
2019
01:39:07,808 --> 01:39:09,309
Yes, you're gonna
have to excuse me.
2020
01:39:10,811 --> 01:39:12,362
You're gonna miss
the end of the game.
2021
01:39:12,363 --> 01:39:14,198
You'll have to tell me
how it comes out.
2022
01:39:14,198 --> 01:39:15,782
I never reveal an ending.
2023
01:39:15,783 --> 01:39:18,735
And no one will be reseated
during the climactic revelation.
2024
01:39:44,928 --> 01:39:46,930
What do you suppose
is going on up there?
2025
01:39:46,930 --> 01:39:48,431
Hm, Alan?
2026
01:39:49,933 --> 01:39:53,770
What do you imagine Hank and
Larry are doing up there? Hm?
2027
01:39:53,771 --> 01:39:56,356
Whatever they're doing,
they're not hurting anyone.
2028
01:39:56,357 --> 01:39:58,575
And they're minding
their own business.
2029
01:39:58,575 --> 01:40:00,159
And you mind
yours, Harold!
2030
01:40:00,160 --> 01:40:01,444
I'm warning you.
2031
01:40:02,246 --> 01:40:04,748
Are you now?
2032
01:40:04,748 --> 01:40:06,249
You warning me?
2033
01:40:06,250 --> 01:40:07,751
Me?
2034
01:40:10,704 --> 01:40:12,205
I'm Harold.
2035
01:40:12,206 --> 01:40:14,708
I'm the one person
you don't warn, Michael.
2036
01:40:14,708 --> 01:40:17,210
Because you and I
are a match.
2037
01:40:17,211 --> 01:40:19,213
And we tread very softly
with each other
2038
01:40:19,213 --> 01:40:22,716
because we both play
each other's game too well.
2039
01:40:23,717 --> 01:40:25,218
I know this game
you're playing.
2040
01:40:25,219 --> 01:40:29,223
I know it very well,
and I play it very well.
2041
01:40:29,223 --> 01:40:31,225
You play it very well too,
but you know what?
2042
01:40:32,393 --> 01:40:35,312
I'm the only one who's
better at it than you are.
2043
01:40:36,730 --> 01:40:39,733
I can beat you at it,
so don't push me.
2044
01:40:40,734 --> 01:40:43,570
I'm warning you.
2045
01:40:47,958 --> 01:40:49,326
You're funny, Hallie.
2046
01:40:50,711 --> 01:40:53,630
A laugh riot.
2047
01:40:53,630 --> 01:40:55,164
Isn't he funny, Alan?
2048
01:40:56,166 --> 01:40:58,668
Or as you might say,
"Isn't he amusing?"
2049
01:40:58,669 --> 01:41:00,504
He's an amusing
faggot, isn't he?
2050
01:41:01,972 --> 01:41:03,556
Or as you might say,
"freak."
2051
01:41:04,892 --> 01:41:06,677
That's what you called
Emory, wasn't it?
2052
01:41:06,677 --> 01:41:08,261
A "freak"?
2053
01:41:08,262 --> 01:41:09,763
A "pansy."
2054
01:41:09,763 --> 01:41:13,099
My, what an antiquated
vocabulary you have.
2055
01:41:13,100 --> 01:41:15,602
I'm surprised
you didn't say "sodomite."
2056
01:41:15,602 --> 01:41:17,186
Or "pederast."
2057
01:41:17,187 --> 01:41:20,190
You better let me
bring you up to date.
2058
01:41:20,190 --> 01:41:23,159
Now, this isn't so new,
but it might be new to you.
2059
01:41:24,194 --> 01:41:27,197
Have you heard the term,
"closet queen"?
2060
01:41:27,197 --> 01:41:29,199
You know what
that means?
2061
01:41:29,199 --> 01:41:31,584
Do you know what it means
to be in the closet?
2062
01:41:31,585 --> 01:41:34,955
Don't, Michael. It won't help
to explain what it means.
2063
01:41:34,955 --> 01:41:36,539
He already knows
what it means.
2064
01:41:38,041 --> 01:41:41,094
He knows very, very well
what a closet queen is.
2065
01:41:41,095 --> 01:41:42,179
Don't you, Alan?
Michael,
2066
01:41:42,179 --> 01:41:44,681
if you're insinuating
that I'm homosexual,
2067
01:41:44,681 --> 01:41:46,132
I can only say
that you're mistaken.
2068
01:41:46,133 --> 01:41:48,218
Am I?
2069
01:41:48,218 --> 01:41:49,686
What about Justin Stuart?
2070
01:41:50,637 --> 01:41:52,605
What about
Justin Stuart?
2071
01:41:52,606 --> 01:41:54,691
You were in love with him.
That's what about him.
2072
01:41:54,691 --> 01:41:56,275
And that's who
you're gonna call.
2073
01:41:56,276 --> 01:41:58,861
Justin and I were
very good friends.
2074
01:41:58,862 --> 01:41:59,646
That's all.
2075
01:42:00,731 --> 01:42:01,732
According to Justin,
2076
01:42:01,732 --> 01:42:03,150
the friendship was
quite passionate.
2077
01:42:03,150 --> 01:42:04,651
What do you mean?
I mean that you slept
2078
01:42:04,651 --> 01:42:05,652
with him in college...
2079
01:42:05,652 --> 01:42:06,736
several times.
2080
01:42:06,737 --> 01:42:09,156
That's not true.
Several times.
2081
01:42:09,156 --> 01:42:10,707
Once is youth.
2082
01:42:10,707 --> 01:42:12,792
Twice, a phase
maybe.
2083
01:42:12,793 --> 01:42:14,461
Several times,
you like it.
2084
01:42:14,461 --> 01:42:16,379
That's not true.
It is true!
2085
01:42:16,380 --> 01:42:18,665
Because Justin Stuart
is homosexual.
2086
01:42:18,665 --> 01:42:20,583
He comes to
New York occasionally.
2087
01:42:20,584 --> 01:42:22,669
He calls me. I've
taken him to parties.
2088
01:42:22,669 --> 01:42:23,586
Larry's had him once.
2089
01:42:23,587 --> 01:42:25,171
I've slept with Justin!
2090
01:42:25,172 --> 01:42:27,057
And he's told me
all about you!
2091
01:42:27,057 --> 01:42:29,726
Then he told you a lie.
You were obsessed with Justin.
2092
01:42:29,726 --> 01:42:31,728
That's all
you could talk about,
2093
01:42:31,728 --> 01:42:33,396
morning, noon and night.
2094
01:42:33,397 --> 01:42:36,433
You began it tonight
upstairs about Hank,
2095
01:42:36,433 --> 01:42:38,017
what an attractive
fellow he was,
2096
01:42:38,018 --> 01:42:40,520
and all the rest of
that transparent crap.
2097
01:42:40,521 --> 01:42:42,322
I said he was attractive.
That's all.
2098
01:42:42,322 --> 01:42:44,907
How many times
do you have to say it?
2099
01:42:44,908 --> 01:42:48,411
And how many times did you
have to say it about Justin?
2100
01:42:48,412 --> 01:42:50,414
What a good
tennis player he was,
2101
01:42:50,414 --> 01:42:53,333
what a good dancer he was,
what a good body he had.
2102
01:42:53,333 --> 01:42:55,785
How amusing he was,
how bright he was.
2103
01:42:55,786 --> 01:42:57,370
How the girls were
all mad about him.
2104
01:42:57,371 --> 01:42:59,373
What close
friends you were!
2105
01:42:59,373 --> 01:43:03,093
We were. We were very good,
very close friends. That's all.
2106
01:43:03,093 --> 01:43:04,260
It was obvious!
2107
01:43:04,261 --> 01:43:05,345
When you did it
in front of Fran,
2108
01:43:05,345 --> 01:43:06,846
it was downright
embarrassing.
2109
01:43:06,847 --> 01:43:08,715
Even she must have
had her doubts about you.
2110
01:43:10,050 --> 01:43:12,052
Justin lied.
2111
01:43:12,052 --> 01:43:13,553
If he told you that,
he lied.
2112
01:43:13,554 --> 01:43:15,556
And it is a lie.
A vicious lie.
2113
01:43:17,057 --> 01:43:19,025
He'd say anything
about me now to get even,
2114
01:43:19,026 --> 01:43:21,528
because he could never get over
the fact that I dropped him.
2115
01:43:23,530 --> 01:43:24,447
But I had to.
2116
01:43:25,899 --> 01:43:28,401
I had to because he told me
all about himself.
2117
01:43:29,403 --> 01:43:30,904
He told me that he--
2118
01:43:32,906 --> 01:43:34,874
He told me that he wanted me
to be his lover.
2119
01:43:37,878 --> 01:43:39,880
And I told him
that he made me sick.
2120
01:43:42,382 --> 01:43:44,384
I told him that I pitied him.
2121
01:43:46,670 --> 01:43:48,304
You ended the friendship,
Alan,
2122
01:43:48,305 --> 01:43:50,890
because you couldn't face
the truth about yourself.
2123
01:43:50,891 --> 01:43:53,393
Oh, you could go on
sleeping with Justin...
2124
01:43:53,393 --> 01:43:54,394
as long as he lied
to himself,
2125
01:43:54,394 --> 01:43:55,895
and you lied
to yourself.
2126
01:43:55,896 --> 01:43:58,899
And you both dated girls
and labeled yourselves men,
2127
01:43:58,899 --> 01:44:01,401
and called yourselves
just fond friends.
2128
01:44:01,401 --> 01:44:03,903
But Justin finally
had to be honest!
2129
01:44:03,904 --> 01:44:05,906
And you couldn't
take it.
2130
01:44:05,906 --> 01:44:08,909
You-- You couldn't take it,
and so you destroyed
2131
01:44:08,909 --> 01:44:09,910
the friendship...
2132
01:44:09,910 --> 01:44:12,412
and your friend
along with it.
2133
01:44:12,412 --> 01:44:13,413
Justin could never
understand
2134
01:44:13,413 --> 01:44:15,915
what he had done wrong
to make you drop him.
2135
01:44:15,916 --> 01:44:17,417
He blamed himself.
No.
2136
01:44:17,417 --> 01:44:18,918
He did that, yes,
until he discovered
2137
01:44:18,919 --> 01:44:21,204
who he was
and what he was.
2138
01:44:21,204 --> 01:44:22,672
No.
But to this day
2139
01:44:22,673 --> 01:44:24,207
he remembers the treatment,
2140
01:44:24,207 --> 01:44:26,509
the scars he got from you.
2141
01:44:26,510 --> 01:44:27,761
No!
Pick up this phone
2142
01:44:27,761 --> 01:44:29,095
and call Justin.
2143
01:44:29,096 --> 01:44:30,597
Call him and apologize,
2144
01:44:30,597 --> 01:44:32,682
and tell him what you should've
told him 12 years ago.
2145
01:44:32,683 --> 01:44:34,301
Call him.
2146
01:44:34,301 --> 01:44:35,302
No, Michael.
2147
01:44:35,302 --> 01:44:37,354
He lied.
Not a word is true.
2148
01:44:37,354 --> 01:44:37,937
Call him!
2149
01:44:45,395 --> 01:44:46,896
Very well.
2150
01:44:47,898 --> 01:44:49,366
I'll dial.
2151
01:44:51,201 --> 01:44:52,569
You're so helpful.
2152
01:44:58,075 --> 01:44:59,459
Give it to me.
2153
01:45:51,428 --> 01:45:53,546
Hello.
One point.
2154
01:45:54,548 --> 01:45:56,967
It's Alan.
Two points.
2155
01:45:56,967 --> 01:45:58,551
Yes.
2156
01:45:58,552 --> 01:46:00,720
Yes, it's me.
Is that Justin?
2157
01:46:00,721 --> 01:46:02,439
You sound surprised.
I should hope to think
2158
01:46:02,439 --> 01:46:04,107
he would be after 12 years.
2159
01:46:04,107 --> 01:46:06,192
No, I'm-- I'm
in New York.
2160
01:46:06,193 --> 01:46:09,196
I, uh--
I won't explain now.
2161
01:46:09,196 --> 01:46:11,698
I-I-- I just called
to tell you that--
2162
01:46:13,700 --> 01:46:15,568
I just called to
tell you that I'm here--
2163
01:46:15,569 --> 01:46:17,821
"That I love you," goddamn it!
2164
01:46:17,821 --> 01:46:18,738
I love you!
2165
01:46:24,828 --> 01:46:26,162
And I love you.
2166
01:46:28,999 --> 01:46:32,002
You get the goddamn bonus.
2167
01:46:32,002 --> 01:46:33,470
Ten points, jackpot.
2168
01:46:34,921 --> 01:46:37,173
I love you and I beg you
to forgive me.
2169
01:46:37,174 --> 01:46:38,341
Give me that telephone.
2170
01:46:39,426 --> 01:46:41,428
Justin, did you hear
what that son of--?
2171
01:46:44,931 --> 01:46:46,933
F-Fran?
2172
01:46:49,436 --> 01:46:51,438
W-- Well, of course
I knew it was you.
2173
01:46:52,439 --> 01:46:53,940
How are you doing?
2174
01:46:56,827 --> 01:46:57,828
Uh, fine.
2175
01:47:01,281 --> 01:47:03,366
Uh...yes, me too.
2176
01:47:03,366 --> 01:47:04,950
Fine.
2177
01:47:07,087 --> 01:47:09,205
Um, uh, yes.
2178
01:47:09,206 --> 01:47:12,209
He told me all about it.
2179
01:47:16,213 --> 01:47:18,715
No, don't thank me,
please. Uh--
2180
01:47:20,217 --> 01:47:23,220
Uh, look, I'll-- I'll put him
back on the line.
2181
01:47:25,722 --> 01:47:27,724
Give my love to the kids.
2182
01:47:40,036 --> 01:47:41,037
Darling.
2183
01:47:43,540 --> 01:47:44,991
I'll catch the first
plane I can get.
2184
01:47:48,462 --> 01:47:49,412
Yes.
2185
01:47:51,798 --> 01:47:53,800
I love you very much.
2186
01:47:57,304 --> 01:47:58,805
Yes.
2187
01:48:13,403 --> 01:48:14,904
Thank you, Michael.
2188
01:48:34,374 --> 01:48:35,291
Who won?
2189
01:48:36,760 --> 01:48:37,761
It was a tie.
2190
01:48:39,212 --> 01:48:42,298
Now, it's my turn.
2191
01:48:42,299 --> 01:48:45,385
And ready or not,
Michael, here goes.
2192
01:48:45,385 --> 01:48:47,687
You're a sad
and pathetic man.
2193
01:48:50,440 --> 01:48:53,526
You're a homosexual,
and you don't want to be.
2194
01:48:53,527 --> 01:48:56,112
But there's nothing
you can do to change it.
2195
01:48:57,614 --> 01:49:01,117
Not all your prayers
to your God...
2196
01:49:01,117 --> 01:49:03,119
not all the analysis
you can buy
2197
01:49:03,119 --> 01:49:05,621
in all the years
you've got left to live.
2198
01:49:07,624 --> 01:49:09,125
You may very well
one day be able to know
2199
01:49:09,125 --> 01:49:12,128
a heterosexual life...
2200
01:49:12,128 --> 01:49:15,131
if you want it
desperately enough.
2201
01:49:15,131 --> 01:49:18,634
If you pursue it with the fervor
with which you annihilate.
2202
01:49:20,136 --> 01:49:22,588
But you'll always be
homosexual as well.
2203
01:49:24,057 --> 01:49:25,558
Always, Michael.
2204
01:49:27,060 --> 01:49:28,061
Always.
2205
01:49:29,062 --> 01:49:31,564
Until the day you die.
2206
01:49:40,357 --> 01:49:41,408
Friends.
2207
01:49:41,408 --> 01:49:43,493
Oh.
2208
01:49:43,493 --> 01:49:46,913
Thanks for
the nifty party...
2209
01:49:46,913 --> 01:49:49,865
and the super gift.
2210
01:49:50,700 --> 01:49:53,202
It's just what I needed.
2211
01:49:54,204 --> 01:49:57,006
Bernard,...thank you.
2212
01:49:58,341 --> 01:50:00,843
Will you
get him home?
2213
01:50:00,844 --> 01:50:04,347
Don't worry about her. I'll
take care of everything.
2214
01:50:09,019 --> 01:50:10,353
Donald, good to see you.
2215
01:50:11,688 --> 01:50:13,940
Good night, Harold.
See you again sometime.
2216
01:50:13,940 --> 01:50:16,525
Yeah. How about
a year from Shevouth?
2217
01:50:18,028 --> 01:50:20,030
Come on, Tex.
2218
01:50:20,030 --> 01:50:21,314
Let's go to my place.
2219
01:50:36,830 --> 01:50:38,331
Oh, Michael...
2220
01:50:38,331 --> 01:50:40,132
thanks for the laughs.
2221
01:50:43,920 --> 01:50:45,388
Call you tomorrow.
2222
01:50:52,345 --> 01:50:54,347
Thank you, Michael.
2223
01:50:54,347 --> 01:50:55,648
Good night,
Donald.
2224
01:50:55,649 --> 01:50:56,733
Goodbye, Emory.
2225
01:50:58,184 --> 01:50:59,735
Come on, Bernard.
2226
01:50:59,736 --> 01:51:01,237
Time to go home.
2227
01:51:05,742 --> 01:51:08,745
Oh, Mary. You're
a heavy mother.
2228
01:51:08,745 --> 01:51:10,747
Why did I call?
Why'd I--?
2229
01:51:21,041 --> 01:51:22,042
Donald?
2230
01:51:24,127 --> 01:51:26,462
Donald. Donald!
2231
01:51:30,050 --> 01:51:32,052
What have I done?
2232
01:51:34,054 --> 01:51:37,057
My God.
What have I d--?
2233
01:51:37,057 --> 01:51:38,058
Michael. Michael.
2234
01:51:38,058 --> 01:51:41,061
It's beginning.
2235
01:51:41,061 --> 01:51:43,063
The anxiety.
2236
01:51:43,063 --> 01:51:43,897
I feel it.
2237
01:51:45,732 --> 01:51:48,201
Donald. Don't leave.
2238
01:51:48,201 --> 01:51:50,736
Please, don't leave me.
2239
01:51:52,205 --> 01:51:53,789
Oh, Jesus.
2240
01:51:53,790 --> 01:51:55,291
I can't handle it.
2241
01:51:55,291 --> 01:51:56,792
I won't make it.
2242
01:51:56,793 --> 01:51:57,794
I won't make it!
Michael--
2243
01:51:57,794 --> 01:52:00,630
I won't make it!
Michael, stop it.
2244
01:52:00,630 --> 01:52:02,214
Stop it.
2245
01:52:02,215 --> 01:52:03,716
Look, I'll-- I'll
give you a Valium.
2246
01:52:03,717 --> 01:52:07,220
I've got some in my pocket.
No. No. No.
2247
01:52:07,220 --> 01:52:08,721
Pills and alcohol,
I'll die.
2248
01:52:08,722 --> 01:52:11,224
I'm not gonna give you
the whole bottle.
2249
01:52:11,224 --> 01:52:12,725
Come on, let go of me.
No.
2250
01:52:12,726 --> 01:52:15,729
Let go of me long enough for me
to get my hand in my pocket.
2251
01:52:17,731 --> 01:52:20,233
No. Don't leave.
2252
01:52:20,233 --> 01:52:21,734
Come on.
2253
01:52:23,236 --> 01:52:24,237
Come on.
2254
01:52:25,238 --> 01:52:27,607
I d-- I don't have any water
2255
01:52:27,607 --> 01:52:29,692
to take it with.
2256
01:52:29,692 --> 01:52:31,193
Well, if you'll wait
one goddamn minute,
2257
01:52:31,194 --> 01:52:32,111
I'll get you some.
2258
01:52:36,783 --> 01:52:39,368
Uh, your water,
Your Majesty.
2259
01:52:39,369 --> 01:52:41,371
Come on.
2260
01:52:42,872 --> 01:52:45,124
Michael, stop that goddamn
crying and take the pill.
2261
01:52:45,125 --> 01:52:46,209
I--
2262
01:52:58,138 --> 01:53:01,641
I--
2263
01:53:01,641 --> 01:53:04,143
I feel like
Old Man River.
2264
01:53:04,144 --> 01:53:06,646
I'm tired of living
and I'm scared of dying.
2265
01:53:06,646 --> 01:53:07,647
Shh.
2266
01:53:09,149 --> 01:53:11,151
Shh. Michael.
2267
01:53:11,151 --> 01:53:12,652
Come on. Come on.
2268
01:53:12,652 --> 01:53:13,653
Shh.
2269
01:53:15,155 --> 01:53:18,158
Michael.
2270
01:53:18,158 --> 01:53:20,160
Shh. Shh.
2271
01:53:25,665 --> 01:53:27,166
I'm sorry.
2272
01:53:43,900 --> 01:53:47,403
If we could just not
hate ourselves so much.
2273
01:53:50,907 --> 01:53:52,909
That's it, you know.
2274
01:53:54,911 --> 01:53:58,414
If we could just learn
not to hate ourselves...
2275
01:53:59,916 --> 01:54:01,417
quite so very much.
2276
01:54:01,417 --> 01:54:04,420
I know. I know.
2277
01:54:06,923 --> 01:54:10,426
Um-- Inconceivable as
it may be...
2278
01:54:10,426 --> 01:54:12,928
you used to be worse
than you are now.
2279
01:54:13,930 --> 01:54:15,932
Maybe with
a lot more work, you--
2280
01:54:15,932 --> 01:54:17,934
You'll be able to help
yourself some more.
2281
01:54:17,934 --> 01:54:19,435
If you try, huh?
2282
01:54:25,441 --> 01:54:28,944
Who was it who
always used to say...
2283
01:54:28,945 --> 01:54:31,447
"You show me
a happy homosexual,
2284
01:54:31,447 --> 01:54:34,450
and I'll show you
a gay corpse."
2285
01:54:34,450 --> 01:54:37,453
I don't know. Who was it
that always used to say that?
2286
01:54:39,956 --> 01:54:41,457
And how dare you come on
2287
01:54:41,457 --> 01:54:43,959
with that holier-than-thou
attitude with me.
2288
01:54:44,961 --> 01:54:48,464
With a lot more work, indeed.
2289
01:54:48,464 --> 01:54:49,965
You've got
a long row to hoe
2290
01:54:49,966 --> 01:54:50,967
before you're perfect,
you know.
2291
01:54:50,967 --> 01:54:52,969
I never said
I didn't.
2292
01:54:54,470 --> 01:54:55,471
And while we're
on the subject,
2293
01:54:55,471 --> 01:54:57,473
I think your analyst
is a quack.
2294
01:54:57,473 --> 01:54:59,475
Earlier, you said
he was a prick.
2295
01:54:59,475 --> 01:55:01,143
That's right.
He's a quack prick.
2296
01:55:01,144 --> 01:55:04,230
Or a prick quack,
whichever you prefer.
2297
01:55:27,370 --> 01:55:29,839
Oh, icks,
icks, icks.
2298
01:55:31,791 --> 01:55:33,292
Terrible icks.
2299
01:55:38,298 --> 01:55:41,301
Tomorrow is gonna be
an ick-packed day.
2300
01:55:57,817 --> 01:55:59,368
Do you suppose there's
any possibility
2301
01:55:59,369 --> 01:56:01,237
of just flushing
this place?
2302
01:56:19,639 --> 01:56:20,973
Where are you going?
2303
01:56:23,760 --> 01:56:25,261
There's a midnight Mass
at St. Malachy's.
2304
01:56:25,261 --> 01:56:27,263
I thought I'd
walk over and catch it.
2305
01:56:28,765 --> 01:56:30,266
Well, pray for me.
2306
01:56:32,268 --> 01:56:34,770
Maybe they'll be gone
when I get back.
2307
01:56:34,771 --> 01:56:36,773
Well, I will be...
2308
01:56:36,773 --> 01:56:39,659
just as soon as I knock off
this bottle of brandy.
2309
01:56:43,746 --> 01:56:44,696
Will I see you
next Saturday?
2310
01:56:46,199 --> 01:56:47,667
Unless you have other plans.
2311
01:56:49,585 --> 01:56:50,953
No.
2312
01:56:52,372 --> 01:56:53,373
Michael.
2313
01:56:53,373 --> 01:56:54,874
What?
2314
01:56:54,874 --> 01:56:57,877
Did he ever tell you why
he was crying on the phone?
2315
01:56:57,877 --> 01:56:59,378
What it was
he had to tell you?
2316
01:57:01,347 --> 01:57:03,349
No.
2317
01:57:03,349 --> 01:57:06,352
It must have been
that he'd left Fran.
2318
01:57:08,855 --> 01:57:10,857
Or maybe it was
something else,
2319
01:57:10,857 --> 01:57:11,941
and he changed
his mind.
2320
01:57:11,941 --> 01:57:14,526
Uh, maybe so.
2321
01:57:14,527 --> 01:57:15,394
I wonder why he left her.
2322
01:57:20,483 --> 01:57:24,487
As my father said to me
when he died in my arms...
2323
01:57:24,487 --> 01:57:27,990
"I don't understand any of it.
2324
01:57:27,990 --> 01:57:29,408
I never did."
2325
01:57:32,662 --> 01:57:34,664
Turn the lights off
when you leave.
168535
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