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1
00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:19,440
Bloody hell.
2
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,200
HE SIGHS
3
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,920
HE GRUNTS
4
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,479
UNDER BREATH: Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on...
5
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,720
..yes!
6
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:48,799
Hey, I'm up a tree.
7
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,959
Oh, well, I'll let the Pride Of
Britain people know.
8
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,679
Don't be like that.
It doesn't feel stable.
9
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,319
It's the only place I can get
a signal. What do you want, Wicky?
10
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,559
I'm in Wales.
11
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,119
Again, congratulations.
12
00:00:58,120 --> 00:00:59,239
Give my love to...
13
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,919
What are those dolls with the big
hats? What do you want?
14
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,479
I can't find this murder scene.
15
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,519
I can't even find any houses,
to be honest.
16
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:07,679
I thought I saw a bloke
to ask directions earlier -
17
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,399
turned out just to be a giant crow.
18
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,159
I mean, like, crazy big,
a-kid-could-ride-it big.
19
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,519
Look, I can't help you. What? Why?
20
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,239
Cos it's not my jurisdiction.
21
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:19,159
Oh, help me out, Ruth.
For old times' sake.
22
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,839
Look, I can't help you
because we don't cover Wales.
23
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,399
I don't even know about a murder.
24
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,959
Well, who do I talk to, then?
25
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,639
Well, I don't know, you berk.
The Welsh police?
26
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:30,280
Wales doesn't have its own
police force, Ruth. Grow up.
27
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:35,559
Look, I need to get on.
Hang on... I CAN see a house.
28
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:39,519
I'll go to that. Right. Well, thanks
for being no help whatsoever.
29
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,399
And when are you coming
down the pub again?
30
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,239
You haven't been in there for ages.
The bloody nerve of you.
31
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:45,839
Are you a lightweight now, as well?
32
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,320
Ruth?
33
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,159
There we are. Steady, now.
34
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,199
Steady...
35
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,680
All right?
36
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,919
THUD
Timber, you bloody fool!
37
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,559
Sorry. Have you no respect
for the departed?
38
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:16,839
Butter fingers.
39
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,879
I don't have butter on my fingers.
40
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,639
He doesn't. He just has
a pathological disregard
41
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,239
for those that have passed.
42
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,519
I do respect those
that have passed, Richard.
43
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,639
He looks pretty respectful.
Size of that hat.
44
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,879
You think this is the first body
he's dropped?
45
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,759
He drops a body
on a near weekly basis.
46
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:36,119
Treats those who are no longer
with us like a collection of yo-yos.
47
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,159
He was waving, Richard.
48
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,279
Hm...
49
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:40,960
I'm going to leave you to it, lads.
50
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,760
Right. This time, with respect.
51
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,360
Better.
52
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,039
Good grief.
53
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:10,599
Harrowing, isn't it?
54
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:14,319
OK, we're instigating a
no-sneaking-up-in-the-creepy-cottage
rule.
55
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,439
What the hell happened?
56
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,919
Police are baffled.
They think foul play.
57
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,200
You sure? He might have
cut himself shaving, no?
58
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,359
They don't have the faintest idea
59
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,719
who would have beef
with a gamekeeper.
60
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,719
Fair enough. He'd have pheasant
if anything, play to his strengths.
61
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:33,959
Side serving of root veg,
lovely glass of heavy red,
62
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,439
what a charming evening.
63
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,719
You are a tough crowd.
I prefer not to jest.
64
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,519
You're telling me.
Well, someone didn't like him.
65
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,559
That is a frenzied attack.
66
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,879
No. No? No.
67
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:51,679
A crossbow through the heart.
He would have died almost instantly.
68
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,199
So why all the blood?
I'd rather not say.
69
00:03:55,200 --> 00:04:00,319
What? Why? Respect to those who
have crossed to another realm.
70
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,959
Don't be daft. I'm never daft.
71
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,519
Look at the way I'm dressed.
72
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,839
This is not daft attire.
73
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,159
Can YOU tell me?
Don't you dare, Timber.
74
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,159
You ignore him, Tim... Timber, is it?
75
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:16,319
Yes. He won't say, either.
And his name's Timber? Yes.
76
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,759
Re...
77
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:21,799
OK, look, lads, the thing is,
I do have respect for the dead.
78
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,839
Those that are no longer
in earthly constraints.
79
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:25,919
Yeah, yeah, yeah, them.
80
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,359
But I'm going to need to know
what sort of blood that is.
81
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:29,920
It's the gamekeeper's blood. Quiet!
82
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:36,999
What do you mean?
Different blood needs different
chemicals to get it up, all right?
83
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,319
If anything, you'd be more
respectful by telling me,
84
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:43,919
because it will stop me from
wiping he who has escaped this
earthly plane around the floor
85
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,919
like a big old juicy meat pie.
86
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:47,440
Hm...
87
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:55,959
Timber, go wait in the car.
Why? Because I asked you to.
88
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,639
You may drive us to the parlour.
89
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,879
Really? I'll go warm the engine up.
Don't rev it.
90
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:07,639
Remember...we have a
distinguished passenger.
91
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:14,479
Now, do you wish me to explain
the amount of blood? Yes.
92
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:15,559
Please.
93
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:21,239
Let's just say, the cadaver
was not left intact.
94
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,039
I don't know what that means.
95
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:28,879
His anatomy was not appropriately
fused post mortem.
96
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,519
I still don't know what
you're talking about.
97
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:34,879
The victim's earthly remains
had been tampered with.
98
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,999
OK, mate, you and I are
going to fall out in a minute.
I'm being respectful.
99
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,759
This isn't respectful. This is like
talking to a pissed wizard.
100
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:45,079
Hm. In the attack...
that snuffed out the life...
101
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,159
Someone chopped his head off.
Ah. Get out!
102
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,799
I just want to know if I can bring
the hearse around. Yes, you may
bring the hearse around!
103
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:55,760
Slowly. Remember, you are...
At the helm of a person's final
earthly journey, I know. Good.
104
00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,959
Well... Who the hell
would have wanted to ch...
105
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,119
Who'd want to do that to him?
106
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,079
I'd rather not speculate.
107
00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:09,120
And after they HAD done it to him,
where did they take the...
108
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,240
..the, um...
109
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,399
..bonce? Bonce?
110
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,160
Yeah, I went with bonce.
111
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,639
Hm...
112
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,239
The head was found by the door,
113
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,719
as if dropped on exit.
114
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:33,919
One feels the intention was to
remove it from the scene.
115
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,839
The local police are
quite traumatised.
116
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:37,279
They would be, wouldn't they?
117
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:41,479
The only crime they get round here
normally is someone nicking a Zoom
lolly from a post-office freezer.
118
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,119
Zoom? I'm projecting.
119
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,319
It's a crime I got away
with as a child -
120
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,239
I've been...haunted by guilt
ever since.
121
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:49,999
Right.
122
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:54,919
Well, we better get the poor fellow
back to the parlour for preparation.
123
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,359
New shirt, spot of powder,
sew his head back on, is it?
124
00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,039
Please! Some respect!
125
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,839
ENGINE REVS, CRASH
Richard!
126
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,240
Timber!
127
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,520
No! Timber!
128
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:09,760
Well?
129
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,240
I don't know, they've
gone out the front.
130
00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:16,239
And my present?
131
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,799
Well, it's gone, isn't it?
132
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,719
Where would it have gone?
133
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,599
Well, I imagine they put it in
the coffin with the rest of him.
134
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,439
It would still be mine
if you hadn't dropped it.
135
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,519
I didn't think we'd be disturbed.
136
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,640
Though, if I had, I would have
put my fingers up the nostrils
for a better grip.
137
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:34,639
You dropped my head.
138
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,519
There wouldn't have been a head
to drop, if it wasn't for me.
139
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:43,079
I must have it, so that part of him
belongs to me. I must own him.
140
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,000
Give it a bloody rest.
141
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,199
Give what a rest?
142
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,879
The husky voice,
the...dramatic gestures,
143
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,879
the flared nostrils.
You think I flare my nostrils?
144
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,760
Yeah, you bloody do. Giving it
the big 'un while I do all the work.
145
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,079
Oh, really? Who selected the kill?
146
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,119
Who planned the route?
Who filled the car up?
147
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,439
Arranged for a dog sitter?
148
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:06,999
Hm? Who packed the killing kit?
149
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,199
Hm? You don't even know
what's in the killing kit.
150
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,359
Why are you being like this?
151
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:15,959
I'm not being like anything.
I just wouldn't mind
some gratitude, sometimes.
152
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,479
Do you not find me grateful?
153
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,360
Don't, no, no, don't start...
154
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:25,159
Will you get it back?
155
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,159
For me? You know I will.
156
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,439
No...no.
157
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,319
No, we can't have creepy
death sex now, no.
158
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,039
We've got things to do.
159
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:35,639
Oh, God, I'm helpless.
160
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,400
HE MOANS
161
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,599
I'm just not used to
an automatic, Richard.
162
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:49,759
Please, no excuses. Let's just try
and afford our client some dignity.
163
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,439
Is he a client?
Not really a client, is he?
164
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:53,919
Why wouldn't he be the client?
165
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:58,119
I suppose I thought it'd be hard to
settle an invoice when he hasn't
got a head on his shoulders.
166
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,039
We need to phone for
a recovery vehicle.
167
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,559
I tried, there's no signal.
Well, then you'll have to find one.
168
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:05,799
There's a tree about
two miles down there you can use.
169
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,639
Get in, I'll give you a lift.
The walk will do him good.
Quick as you like, Timber.
170
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,360
CAR DOOR SLAMS
171
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,520
I've got a question.
Why am I so hard on him?
172
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,399
Because I know...
173
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,759
..that one day...
174
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,199
..he will have to fend for himself.
175
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,599
Because I won't be here,
176
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,599
and because every night,
I go to bed knowing
177
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,959
he will never be able to cope.
178
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,479
That is why I am so hard
179
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:42,600
on my poor, baby brother.
180
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:48,639
No, why is he called Timber?
181
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:52,119
Oh. When he was a kid,
he kept falling down. Oh.
182
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,080
What's his real name?
Timber. Oh, right.
183
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:03,680
Well?
184
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,959
They've just gone back in.
Well, two of them have.
185
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,959
And the other one has my head?
No, the hearse hasn't left yet.
186
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,039
Just listen when I tell you things,
or YOU take over the watch.
187
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,959
You're being really grumpy today.
I'm not being grumpy,
188
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,839
it's just you forget,
this is my day off.
189
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:22,359
I've got mountain of paperwork
waiting for me tomorrow.
190
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,200
You know, this is
supposed to be fun.
191
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,919
I must have it.
It's how I possess him.
192
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,680
Do you know that?
193
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:37,919
I've been thinking...
Do you think, just this once...
194
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,279
..can we just leave it there, today?
195
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:41,959
You know, we did a really good kill.
196
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,559
It was... It was neat, and...
197
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,999
Could you maybe just leave
without a trophy, just this once?
198
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,160
And what do you propose we do
with the rest of the day?
199
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,400
Well, I thought we could get
a takeaway and watch The Chase.
200
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,919
Everyone takes a trophy.
201
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:02,199
All our favourites - Peter, Ted,
Dennis. They all took trophies.
202
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,319
We said we were going to
do this properly.
203
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,159
We said we were
going to be the best.
204
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,319
I know... Oh, does he think he's
better than Dennis, all of a sudden?
205
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,959
"Oh, I've done enough for today.
Now I'll just have a jalfrezi,
206
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,799
"and fingers crossed, I just make it
into the history books, anyway."
207
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,959
Look at the state of you.
You've barely pulled
a comb through your hair.
208
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:23,759
Sorry... Just tired.
209
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,319
Why don't you have a sleep, then?
210
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,120
Sure Fred and Rose
built naps into their routine.
211
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,000
I'll get you the head. Thank you.
212
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,960
There we are. Ah, thank you.
213
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,679
You must see some awful things.
214
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,959
Yeah. You just normalise it
after a while, though, don't you?
215
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,879
But you must know that.
216
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,439
Normalise death?
217
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,599
Well, yeah. Blood's blood
after a while, isn't it?
218
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,479
A body's just... No, it is not.
219
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,559
The earthly remains are
precious to those left behind.
220
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:36,199
They shoulder the burden
and it is to them I show my respect
221
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:41,079
with the care that I take.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
222
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:44,239
I never get to meet the relatives,
but I... I do like...
223
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,639
Putting things right.
224
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,159
Yes. That's what I always say,
I like to put things right.
225
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:53,039
Erase the signs of the pain
their loved ones endured.
226
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:57,200
Exactly. See, there you go,
Mr Big Hat, we're not so different.
227
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,919
What does your partner think
of this grisly profession?
228
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,799
Ah, well, that lucky lady
is yet to make herself known.
229
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,839
You don't have a partner?
230
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,759
No. Do you?
231
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,119
Of course. I'm in my 50s.
232
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,359
Well, 50's the new 35,
isn't it? So...
233
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,120
Well, who will look after things
if you were to...
234
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,759
..you know? Die?
235
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,439
I think we're all right
for a few years yet.
236
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,159
HE GRUNTS
237
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,839
Are you sure?
238
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,679
How much do you weigh?
239
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,239
I'm at my fighting weight.
240
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,639
You're very fat.
241
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:35,959
Blood pressure high?
242
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,639
Not that I'm aware of, no.
243
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,719
Get dizzy when you stand?
244
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:43,439
No. You're almost certainly
pre-diabetic, you know that?
245
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,319
How many days a week do you drink?
246
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,919
Only on the ones with the word
"day" in them. Am I right?
247
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,159
No laughing matter.
248
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:50,919
Your liver must be foie gras.
249
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,039
Oh, yeah, I'm a giant human goose.
250
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,639
You have had no-one in your life to
implore you to exercise restraint.
251
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,639
Delayed gratification. You eat and
drink what you want, when you want.
252
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:05,079
You have no-one to love you and
you have failed to love yourself.
253
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:08,080
Bloody hell!
Sorry, none of my business.
254
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,279
I'm perfectly happy on my own,
thank you.
255
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,640
For now.
256
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,519
If you've had no-one
to look after you in this life,
257
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:22,240
who will look after you
when you've gone?
258
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,600
Well, don't walk out now!
259
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,679
I'm starting to get bored.
260
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,519
You know what happens
when I get bored.
261
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,679
Listening? Yes! Sh!
262
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,319
Just give me a minute.
263
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,360
Something's happening.
264
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,119
I might have had one of my ideas.
265
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:54,239
Oh, I like your ideas.
Is it very dark?
266
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,839
Oh...
267
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,559
Black as, baby. Mm.
268
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,279
Why would I need someone to
look after me when I'm dead?
269
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:05,159
Pauper's grave for you, then?
It's a little Dickensian, isn't it?
270
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,839
You're a little Dickensian. What?
271
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:07,919
Nothing.
272
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,519
Look, what do you mean?
273
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,559
Well, let's start with the basics.
274
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:16,719
Who would arrange and pay
for your funeral?
275
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,759
I don't know. The lads?
276
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,559
You have sons? No.
No, the lads from the pub.
277
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:26,559
So no partner or children,
no family, and your parents?
278
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,039
One dead, one dead to me.
279
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,919
I see.
280
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,679
I've got a sister.
Someone to bury you, at least.
281
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:37,039
Are you close? I mean,
she's got a family of her own, so...
282
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:40,399
Just the lads from a pub, then.
283
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,040
Oh, God... What?
284
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:47,199
I've just remembered the funeral
they arranged for Trinidad Dave.
285
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:50,119
Would he not have approved,
Trinidad Dave?
286
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,279
I mean, they meant well, but...
287
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,879
..they...
CARIBBEAN MUSIC
288
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,560
..they took it in turns
to limbo under his coffin.
289
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,839
Oh... God, you're right.
290
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,079
I can't let them arrange my funeral.
291
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,319
What happens to your body...
292
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,840
..is the tip of the iceberg.
293
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,240
Your soul should be
your biggest concern.
294
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,520
Stop saying cryptic things
and then walking off!
295
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:33,520
Oh...
296
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,520
Richard's going to be so cross.
297
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,079
Basically, what you're saying is
just religious mumbo jumbo.
298
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,479
You think so?
299
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,479
I have to have someone
to look after my soul?
300
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:54,599
Do you think you'd get away with
spouting that sort of nonsense
in front of Professor Brian Cox?
301
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:58,279
He'd make you feel this big
with his piercing eyes
and his soft, wet lips.
302
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,559
I'm not religious. What?
303
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,279
I don't have a faith.
304
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,279
So why do you need
a bloody soul chaperone?
305
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:11,559
I have people who love me above
all others - my wife, my daughter,
306
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,039
my beautiful, innocent brother.
307
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,839
These are my chaperones.
308
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:21,679
When I pass,
I will live on through them.
309
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,159
How? Everything you have done,
310
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,199
every memory you created,
311
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,839
every positive influence
you had in the world,
312
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,479
they will take on
a life of their own.
313
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:36,720
They will live on in the minds
of those once touched.
314
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,280
My father lives here.
315
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,919
My grandparents, even.
316
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:49,359
And anyone I tell of them
takes them on, too.
317
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:53,000
My father's name was Geraint.
318
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,000
Hmm...
319
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,799
You now have a little of
my father inside you.
320
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,639
I don't want your father inside me.
321
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,599
Where have you cast
your shadow, Wicky?
322
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,559
Who will be taking you on?
323
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:12,320
Keeping the memory of you alive?
324
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,880
The boys from the pub?
325
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,759
You're going to
walk out again, aren't you?
326
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,000
Yeah.
327
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,199
Do you know what Philip Larkin
said on the subject?
328
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,639
Something about it being perfect.
329
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:31,480
He said,
"What will survive of us is love."
330
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,559
OK, the young one's clearly
gone off to get the hearse fixed.
331
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,359
That could take ages.
332
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:47,919
We'll wait it out.
333
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,839
And when he gets back,
he'll take my head.
334
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:54,359
I know, I know, but we have to be
practical sometimes, sweetheart.
335
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,559
We've probably lost that trophy,
but I told you that.
336
00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:01,999
I have an idea. I thought
we might get another one.
337
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:07,479
A different head. A jogger...
on the way home. Mm-mm.
338
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,280
Once the undertakers have gone...
339
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,480
..I could get you
a very big head indeed.
340
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,480
I like the big head.
341
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,839
I want the big head.
We need to stay focused.
342
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,639
I have to get into the bloodlust
zone if I'm to take a second life.
343
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,679
Imagine a double murder.
344
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:29,920
Hm?
345
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,840
I didn't hear anything you said.
You can just let me go.
346
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,319
HE WAILS
347
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,360
Is that..? Timber!
348
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:49,520
SHOUTING: Timber!
349
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,519
Oh, thank God. Can you help?
350
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,240
He's had a terrible fall.
351
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,800
HIGH-PITCHED WAIL
352
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,519
A chair...
353
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,119
Put you down here.
354
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:15,679
Thanks so much.
355
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:19,479
What were you two doing out there?
356
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,799
Er, we're bird-watchers.
357
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,479
We are.
358
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,040
We like watching...
359
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,280
..birds.
360
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,559
What happened here?
361
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,959
Oh... It was just an accident.
362
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,319
Someone cut themselves shaving?
363
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:37,399
I did say that! Please.
364
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,599
WHISPERING: He doesn't like
people dissing the dead.
365
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,759
We don't have
a telephone signal here.
366
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,959
My brother will be back soon,
so we'll organise something then,
367
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,079
but it doesn't seem broken to me.
368
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,960
Are you very close
with your brother?
369
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,639
Yes. Very.
370
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,159
Adorable.
371
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:59,079
Such a shame about this accident.
372
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,039
It's very sad for someone to die
all alone out here.
373
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,879
Is there anything more tragic?
374
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:05,920
Hey, don't start, you.
375
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,479
Where is he?
376
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:09,880
Where's who?
377
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,559
Where is the body?
378
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,839
What does that matter to you?
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
379
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,919
Oh... Could I have some tea?
I think I may be in shock.
380
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,239
I can make some tea.
381
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,279
The deceased is in the hearse,
if that's what you mean.
382
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,519
We're having transport problems.
383
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,879
Oh, you've got problems, all right.
384
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,480
Would you like some tea, dear?
385
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,440
How long have you two
been birdwatching?
386
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,039
Oh, a...long time.
387
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,440
Years.
388
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,079
What's your favourite bird?
389
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,039
I like a curlew.
They're inquisitive.
390
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,919
Oh. And you?
391
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,000
Why do you ask?
392
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,280
Just answer the question, dear.
393
00:21:58,520 --> 00:21:59,919
Why should I?
394
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,319
I've got another question,
if you don't like that one.
395
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,279
How did you know it was a "he"?
396
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:07,479
What?
397
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,800
You said the victim was a "he".
How did you know?
398
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,639
I'm saying you're murderers,
just to be clear.
399
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,679
I think you two are murderers!
400
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,239
HE YELLS
401
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,400
Ugh!
THUD
402
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,240
I like the robin.
403
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,600
Fiercely territorial.
404
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,519
You said I'd have to
stand up one day, Richard.
405
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,800
You told me that one day
I would be tested.
406
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,080
Today, I become a man.
407
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,200
THUD
408
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,719
Shall we take it now?
Shall we just take it straight away?
409
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,799
Don't be ridiculous,
it has to be dead first.
410
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,559
Why? It might be more fun
just to take it now.
411
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,959
It wouldn't stay still enough.
It would scream. We're lucky
enough to have it tied up at all,
412
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,559
with all the hints
you were bloody giving,
413
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,279
and now I've got two of them
to deal with. I got over-excited.
414
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,759
Yeah, well, you always do.
415
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,959
You were supposed to wait
for the undertaker to go.
416
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,279
PATHETICALLY: Humph.
Don't be mad at her.
417
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,319
You're not the one who has to
kill three of them in one day.
418
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,399
And all because you
have to take your souvenir.
419
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:33,560
Hang on... Am I one of the three?
420
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,720
And what are you planning to take?
421
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,799
HE GASPS
422
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,399
My head!
423
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,280
My beautiful head!
424
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,839
You can't kill me!
425
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,559
Oh, I'm afraid that horse
has bolted.
426
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,919
Put it back!
Put the horse back in the stable.
427
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:52,519
It's massive.
428
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,839
I don't even know
where we'd keep it.
429
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,999
I'll build a shelf,
an extra-wide one.
430
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,119
You're going to get it...
431
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,800
..I promise.
432
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,959
THEY MOAN
433
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,400
MOANING CONTINUES
434
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,960
Do you actually mind?
435
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,400
Don't you raise your voice to ME...
436
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,559
..or maybe I'll do as she asked.
437
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:24,799
Do it.
438
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,320
Do it, please.
439
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,119
But why would you want to?
440
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,999
I'm just a bloke.
441
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,760
I haven't even found anyone
to look after my soul yet.
442
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:40,639
What? Just give me
a few more years to find someone
to remember me when I'm dead.
443
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,799
What is it talking about?
444
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,279
I haven't got anyone who'll care
if you murder me.
445
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,400
Well, I have, but it's not
going to ruin anyone's life.
446
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:53,919
Sur... Surely you want to
murder someone people will miss?
447
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,800
Why would I care about that?
Why would he care?
448
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:00,200
Don't you people want to be famous?
449
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,040
You're not going to get famous
by killing a nobody.
450
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,320
We're going to make YOU
famous, too, silly.
451
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,160
Your famous, massive head...
452
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,040
..on...my...shelf.
453
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:31,560
WOMAN: Surprise!
454
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:35,919
Taser, taser, taser.
455
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,399
Ugh!
456
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,680
GRUNTING
457
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,119
All right, dickhead?
458
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:45,279
They were going to chop my head off.
459
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,599
Where would they have kept that?
It's massive.
460
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,040
Yeah...
461
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,360
Did I do well, Richard?
I'm very proud of you.
462
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,159
Bit dramatic, all this,
innit, babs? Just a bit.
463
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:09,199
I've got a question.
How did I know to come?
464
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:13,039
Just heard two DCs in the station
talking about some murders
in rural Wales.
465
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,399
They were getting all excited
it was a serial killer.
466
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,159
Then I remembered you ringing.
467
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,999
No. Why did you say
"taser" three times?
468
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,039
SHE CHUCKLES
469
00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,159
What, so you just came
on the off-chance?
470
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:28,039
I thought, if I know anyone
unlucky enough to be
murdered in rural Wales,
471
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,399
it's you.
472
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,879
I'm not unlucky.
473
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,959
You've bought tickets to the White
Horse Christmas raffle for 25 years.
474
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:36,159
You've won nothing.
475
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,839
Yeah, because Mervyn fixes it,
I've told you.
476
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,040
It's just a way of getting
cheap meat for his cousins.
477
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,839
Back to Brum, then? Please.
478
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:49,799
I need a pint. So will you be
naming your firstborn after me,
then, now I've saved your life?
479
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,159
Oh, God, yeah. Even if it's a boy.
Especially if it's a boy.
480
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,119
No, you'd be better with girls.
You're not man enough to raise boys.
481
00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:56,839
Shut up. I'm a hunk.
482
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:58,399
You didn't look very hunky in there.
483
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,920
What, when the murderers were
trying to chop my head off?
484
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:07,559
How come you're in this?
485
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:08,839
It's my car.
486
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,119
Why aren't you in a cop car?
487
00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:12,999
I told you,
Wales isn't my jurisdiction.
488
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,679
But you were at work.
489
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,559
I took the afternoon off.
490
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:17,639
Why?
491
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,479
I just had a bad feeling.
492
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:23,239
You are a disgustingly nice person,
aren't you?
493
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,080
It's horrible, actually.
Good job, too, innit?
494
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,519
So...are you coming down
The Horse later, then,
495
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,880
or are you feeling
too almost-murdered?
496
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,799
Why did you do that?
497
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,479
Why did you come?
498
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,959
Well...cos I was worried about you.
499
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,320
I often am.
500
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:46,800
I'm a nobody.
501
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,200
Not to me.
38295
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