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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:19,440 Bloody hell. 2 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,200 HE SIGHS 3 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,920 HE GRUNTS 4 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,479 UNDER BREATH: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on... 5 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,720 ..yes! 6 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:48,799 Hey, I'm up a tree. 7 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,959 Oh, well, I'll let the Pride Of Britain people know. 8 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,679 Don't be like that. It doesn't feel stable. 9 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,319 It's the only place I can get a signal. What do you want, Wicky? 10 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,559 I'm in Wales. 11 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,119 Again, congratulations. 12 00:00:58,120 --> 00:00:59,239 Give my love to... 13 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,919 What are those dolls with the big hats? What do you want? 14 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,479 I can't find this murder scene. 15 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,519 I can't even find any houses, to be honest. 16 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:07,679 I thought I saw a bloke to ask directions earlier - 17 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,399 turned out just to be a giant crow. 18 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,159 I mean, like, crazy big, a-kid-could-ride-it big. 19 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,519 Look, I can't help you. What? Why? 20 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,239 Cos it's not my jurisdiction. 21 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:19,159 Oh, help me out, Ruth. For old times' sake. 22 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,839 Look, I can't help you because we don't cover Wales. 23 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,399 I don't even know about a murder. 24 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,959 Well, who do I talk to, then? 25 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,639 Well, I don't know, you berk. The Welsh police? 26 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:30,280 Wales doesn't have its own police force, Ruth. Grow up. 27 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:35,559 Look, I need to get on. Hang on... I CAN see a house. 28 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:39,519 I'll go to that. Right. Well, thanks for being no help whatsoever. 29 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,399 And when are you coming down the pub again? 30 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,239 You haven't been in there for ages. The bloody nerve of you. 31 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:45,839 Are you a lightweight now, as well? 32 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,320 Ruth? 33 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,159 There we are. Steady, now. 34 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,199 Steady... 35 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,680 All right? 36 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,919 THUD Timber, you bloody fool! 37 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,559 Sorry. Have you no respect for the departed? 38 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:16,839 Butter fingers. 39 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,879 I don't have butter on my fingers. 40 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,639 He doesn't. He just has a pathological disregard 41 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,239 for those that have passed. 42 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,519 I do respect those that have passed, Richard. 43 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,639 He looks pretty respectful. Size of that hat. 44 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,879 You think this is the first body he's dropped? 45 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,759 He drops a body on a near weekly basis. 46 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:36,119 Treats those who are no longer with us like a collection of yo-yos. 47 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,159 He was waving, Richard. 48 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,279 Hm... 49 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:40,960 I'm going to leave you to it, lads. 50 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,760 Right. This time, with respect. 51 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,360 Better. 52 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,039 Good grief. 53 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:10,599 Harrowing, isn't it? 54 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:14,319 OK, we're instigating a no-sneaking-up-in-the-creepy-cottage rule. 55 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,439 What the hell happened? 56 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,919 Police are baffled. They think foul play. 57 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,200 You sure? He might have cut himself shaving, no? 58 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,359 They don't have the faintest idea 59 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,719 who would have beef with a gamekeeper. 60 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,719 Fair enough. He'd have pheasant if anything, play to his strengths. 61 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:33,959 Side serving of root veg, lovely glass of heavy red, 62 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,439 what a charming evening. 63 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,719 You are a tough crowd. I prefer not to jest. 64 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,519 You're telling me. Well, someone didn't like him. 65 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,559 That is a frenzied attack. 66 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,879 No. No? No. 67 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:51,679 A crossbow through the heart. He would have died almost instantly. 68 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,199 So why all the blood? I'd rather not say. 69 00:03:55,200 --> 00:04:00,319 What? Why? Respect to those who have crossed to another realm. 70 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,959 Don't be daft. I'm never daft. 71 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,519 Look at the way I'm dressed. 72 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,839 This is not daft attire. 73 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,159 Can YOU tell me? Don't you dare, Timber. 74 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,159 You ignore him, Tim... Timber, is it? 75 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:16,319 Yes. He won't say, either. And his name's Timber? Yes. 76 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,759 Re... 77 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:21,799 OK, look, lads, the thing is, I do have respect for the dead. 78 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,839 Those that are no longer in earthly constraints. 79 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:25,919 Yeah, yeah, yeah, them. 80 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,359 But I'm going to need to know what sort of blood that is. 81 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:29,920 It's the gamekeeper's blood. Quiet! 82 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:36,999 What do you mean? Different blood needs different chemicals to get it up, all right? 83 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,319 If anything, you'd be more respectful by telling me, 84 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:43,919 because it will stop me from wiping he who has escaped this earthly plane around the floor 85 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,919 like a big old juicy meat pie. 86 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:47,440 Hm... 87 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:55,959 Timber, go wait in the car. Why? Because I asked you to. 88 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,639 You may drive us to the parlour. 89 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,879 Really? I'll go warm the engine up. Don't rev it. 90 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:07,639 Remember...we have a distinguished passenger. 91 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:14,479 Now, do you wish me to explain the amount of blood? Yes. 92 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:15,559 Please. 93 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:21,239 Let's just say, the cadaver was not left intact. 94 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,039 I don't know what that means. 95 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:28,879 His anatomy was not appropriately fused post mortem. 96 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,519 I still don't know what you're talking about. 97 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:34,879 The victim's earthly remains had been tampered with. 98 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,999 OK, mate, you and I are going to fall out in a minute. I'm being respectful. 99 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,759 This isn't respectful. This is like talking to a pissed wizard. 100 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:45,079 Hm. In the attack... that snuffed out the life... 101 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,159 Someone chopped his head off. Ah. Get out! 102 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,799 I just want to know if I can bring the hearse around. Yes, you may bring the hearse around! 103 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:55,760 Slowly. Remember, you are... At the helm of a person's final earthly journey, I know. Good. 104 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,959 Well... Who the hell would have wanted to ch... 105 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,119 Who'd want to do that to him? 106 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,079 I'd rather not speculate. 107 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:09,120 And after they HAD done it to him, where did they take the... 108 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,240 ..the, um... 109 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,399 ..bonce? Bonce? 110 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,160 Yeah, I went with bonce. 111 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,639 Hm... 112 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,239 The head was found by the door, 113 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,719 as if dropped on exit. 114 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:33,919 One feels the intention was to remove it from the scene. 115 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,839 The local police are quite traumatised. 116 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:37,279 They would be, wouldn't they? 117 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:41,479 The only crime they get round here normally is someone nicking a Zoom lolly from a post-office freezer. 118 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,119 Zoom? I'm projecting. 119 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,319 It's a crime I got away with as a child - 120 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,239 I've been...haunted by guilt ever since. 121 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:49,999 Right. 122 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:54,919 Well, we better get the poor fellow back to the parlour for preparation. 123 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,359 New shirt, spot of powder, sew his head back on, is it? 124 00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,039 Please! Some respect! 125 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,839 ENGINE REVS, CRASH Richard! 126 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,240 Timber! 127 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,520 No! Timber! 128 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:09,760 Well? 129 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,240 I don't know, they've gone out the front. 130 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:16,239 And my present? 131 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,799 Well, it's gone, isn't it? 132 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,719 Where would it have gone? 133 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,599 Well, I imagine they put it in the coffin with the rest of him. 134 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,439 It would still be mine if you hadn't dropped it. 135 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,519 I didn't think we'd be disturbed. 136 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,640 Though, if I had, I would have put my fingers up the nostrils for a better grip. 137 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:34,639 You dropped my head. 138 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,519 There wouldn't have been a head to drop, if it wasn't for me. 139 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:43,079 I must have it, so that part of him belongs to me. I must own him. 140 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,000 Give it a bloody rest. 141 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,199 Give what a rest? 142 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,879 The husky voice, the...dramatic gestures, 143 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,879 the flared nostrils. You think I flare my nostrils? 144 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,760 Yeah, you bloody do. Giving it the big 'un while I do all the work. 145 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,079 Oh, really? Who selected the kill? 146 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,119 Who planned the route? Who filled the car up? 147 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,439 Arranged for a dog sitter? 148 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:06,999 Hm? Who packed the killing kit? 149 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,199 Hm? You don't even know what's in the killing kit. 150 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,359 Why are you being like this? 151 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:15,959 I'm not being like anything. I just wouldn't mind some gratitude, sometimes. 152 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,479 Do you not find me grateful? 153 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,360 Don't, no, no, don't start... 154 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:25,159 Will you get it back? 155 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,159 For me? You know I will. 156 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,439 No...no. 157 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,319 No, we can't have creepy death sex now, no. 158 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,039 We've got things to do. 159 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:35,639 Oh, God, I'm helpless. 160 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,400 HE MOANS 161 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,599 I'm just not used to an automatic, Richard. 162 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:49,759 Please, no excuses. Let's just try and afford our client some dignity. 163 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,439 Is he a client? Not really a client, is he? 164 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:53,919 Why wouldn't he be the client? 165 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:58,119 I suppose I thought it'd be hard to settle an invoice when he hasn't got a head on his shoulders. 166 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,039 We need to phone for a recovery vehicle. 167 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,559 I tried, there's no signal. Well, then you'll have to find one. 168 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:05,799 There's a tree about two miles down there you can use. 169 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,639 Get in, I'll give you a lift. The walk will do him good. Quick as you like, Timber. 170 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,360 CAR DOOR SLAMS 171 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,520 I've got a question. Why am I so hard on him? 172 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,399 Because I know... 173 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,759 ..that one day... 174 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,199 ..he will have to fend for himself. 175 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,599 Because I won't be here, 176 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,599 and because every night, I go to bed knowing 177 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,959 he will never be able to cope. 178 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,479 That is why I am so hard 179 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:42,600 on my poor, baby brother. 180 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:48,639 No, why is he called Timber? 181 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:52,119 Oh. When he was a kid, he kept falling down. Oh. 182 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,080 What's his real name? Timber. Oh, right. 183 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:03,680 Well? 184 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,959 They've just gone back in. Well, two of them have. 185 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,959 And the other one has my head? No, the hearse hasn't left yet. 186 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,039 Just listen when I tell you things, or YOU take over the watch. 187 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,959 You're being really grumpy today. I'm not being grumpy, 188 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,839 it's just you forget, this is my day off. 189 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:22,359 I've got mountain of paperwork waiting for me tomorrow. 190 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,200 You know, this is supposed to be fun. 191 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,919 I must have it. It's how I possess him. 192 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,680 Do you know that? 193 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:37,919 I've been thinking... Do you think, just this once... 194 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,279 ..can we just leave it there, today? 195 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:41,959 You know, we did a really good kill. 196 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,559 It was... It was neat, and... 197 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,999 Could you maybe just leave without a trophy, just this once? 198 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,160 And what do you propose we do with the rest of the day? 199 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,400 Well, I thought we could get a takeaway and watch The Chase. 200 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,919 Everyone takes a trophy. 201 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:02,199 All our favourites - Peter, Ted, Dennis. They all took trophies. 202 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,319 We said we were going to do this properly. 203 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,159 We said we were going to be the best. 204 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,319 I know... Oh, does he think he's better than Dennis, all of a sudden? 205 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,959 "Oh, I've done enough for today. Now I'll just have a jalfrezi, 206 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,799 "and fingers crossed, I just make it into the history books, anyway." 207 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,959 Look at the state of you. You've barely pulled a comb through your hair. 208 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:23,759 Sorry... Just tired. 209 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,319 Why don't you have a sleep, then? 210 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,120 Sure Fred and Rose built naps into their routine. 211 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,000 I'll get you the head. Thank you. 212 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,960 There we are. Ah, thank you. 213 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,679 You must see some awful things. 214 00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,959 Yeah. You just normalise it after a while, though, don't you? 215 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,879 But you must know that. 216 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,439 Normalise death? 217 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,599 Well, yeah. Blood's blood after a while, isn't it? 218 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,479 A body's just... No, it is not. 219 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,559 The earthly remains are precious to those left behind. 220 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:36,199 They shoulder the burden and it is to them I show my respect 221 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:41,079 with the care that I take. Yeah, I know what you mean. 222 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:44,239 I never get to meet the relatives, but I... I do like... 223 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,639 Putting things right. 224 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,159 Yes. That's what I always say, I like to put things right. 225 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:53,039 Erase the signs of the pain their loved ones endured. 226 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:57,200 Exactly. See, there you go, Mr Big Hat, we're not so different. 227 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,919 What does your partner think of this grisly profession? 228 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,799 Ah, well, that lucky lady is yet to make herself known. 229 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,839 You don't have a partner? 230 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,759 No. Do you? 231 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,119 Of course. I'm in my 50s. 232 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,359 Well, 50's the new 35, isn't it? So... 233 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,120 Well, who will look after things if you were to... 234 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,759 ..you know? Die? 235 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,439 I think we're all right for a few years yet. 236 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,159 HE GRUNTS 237 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,839 Are you sure? 238 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,679 How much do you weigh? 239 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,239 I'm at my fighting weight. 240 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,639 You're very fat. 241 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:35,959 Blood pressure high? 242 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,639 Not that I'm aware of, no. 243 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,719 Get dizzy when you stand? 244 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:43,439 No. You're almost certainly pre-diabetic, you know that? 245 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,319 How many days a week do you drink? 246 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,919 Only on the ones with the word "day" in them. Am I right? 247 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,159 No laughing matter. 248 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:50,919 Your liver must be foie gras. 249 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,039 Oh, yeah, I'm a giant human goose. 250 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,639 You have had no-one in your life to implore you to exercise restraint. 251 00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,639 Delayed gratification. You eat and drink what you want, when you want. 252 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:05,079 You have no-one to love you and you have failed to love yourself. 253 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:08,080 Bloody hell! Sorry, none of my business. 254 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,279 I'm perfectly happy on my own, thank you. 255 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,640 For now. 256 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,519 If you've had no-one to look after you in this life, 257 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:22,240 who will look after you when you've gone? 258 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,600 Well, don't walk out now! 259 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,679 I'm starting to get bored. 260 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,519 You know what happens when I get bored. 261 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,679 Listening? Yes! Sh! 262 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,319 Just give me a minute. 263 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,360 Something's happening. 264 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,119 I might have had one of my ideas. 265 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:54,239 Oh, I like your ideas. Is it very dark? 266 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,839 Oh... 267 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,559 Black as, baby. Mm. 268 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,279 Why would I need someone to look after me when I'm dead? 269 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:05,159 Pauper's grave for you, then? It's a little Dickensian, isn't it? 270 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,839 You're a little Dickensian. What? 271 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:07,919 Nothing. 272 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,519 Look, what do you mean? 273 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,559 Well, let's start with the basics. 274 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:16,719 Who would arrange and pay for your funeral? 275 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,759 I don't know. The lads? 276 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,559 You have sons? No. No, the lads from the pub. 277 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:26,559 So no partner or children, no family, and your parents? 278 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,039 One dead, one dead to me. 279 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,919 I see. 280 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,679 I've got a sister. Someone to bury you, at least. 281 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:37,039 Are you close? I mean, she's got a family of her own, so... 282 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:40,399 Just the lads from a pub, then. 283 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,040 Oh, God... What? 284 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:47,199 I've just remembered the funeral they arranged for Trinidad Dave. 285 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:50,119 Would he not have approved, Trinidad Dave? 286 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,279 I mean, they meant well, but... 287 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,879 ..they... CARIBBEAN MUSIC 288 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,560 ..they took it in turns to limbo under his coffin. 289 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,839 Oh... God, you're right. 290 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,079 I can't let them arrange my funeral. 291 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,319 What happens to your body... 292 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,840 ..is the tip of the iceberg. 293 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,240 Your soul should be your biggest concern. 294 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,520 Stop saying cryptic things and then walking off! 295 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:33,520 Oh... 296 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,520 Richard's going to be so cross. 297 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,079 Basically, what you're saying is just religious mumbo jumbo. 298 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,479 You think so? 299 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,479 I have to have someone to look after my soul? 300 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:54,599 Do you think you'd get away with spouting that sort of nonsense in front of Professor Brian Cox? 301 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:58,279 He'd make you feel this big with his piercing eyes and his soft, wet lips. 302 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,559 I'm not religious. What? 303 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,279 I don't have a faith. 304 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,279 So why do you need a bloody soul chaperone? 305 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:11,559 I have people who love me above all others - my wife, my daughter, 306 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,039 my beautiful, innocent brother. 307 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,839 These are my chaperones. 308 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:21,679 When I pass, I will live on through them. 309 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,159 How? Everything you have done, 310 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,199 every memory you created, 311 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,839 every positive influence you had in the world, 312 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,479 they will take on a life of their own. 313 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:36,720 They will live on in the minds of those once touched. 314 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,280 My father lives here. 315 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,919 My grandparents, even. 316 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:49,359 And anyone I tell of them takes them on, too. 317 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:53,000 My father's name was Geraint. 318 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,000 Hmm... 319 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,799 You now have a little of my father inside you. 320 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,639 I don't want your father inside me. 321 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,599 Where have you cast your shadow, Wicky? 322 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,559 Who will be taking you on? 323 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:12,320 Keeping the memory of you alive? 324 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,880 The boys from the pub? 325 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,759 You're going to walk out again, aren't you? 326 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,000 Yeah. 327 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,199 Do you know what Philip Larkin said on the subject? 328 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,639 Something about it being perfect. 329 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:31,480 He said, "What will survive of us is love." 330 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,559 OK, the young one's clearly gone off to get the hearse fixed. 331 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,359 That could take ages. 332 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:47,919 We'll wait it out. 333 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,839 And when he gets back, he'll take my head. 334 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:54,359 I know, I know, but we have to be practical sometimes, sweetheart. 335 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,559 We've probably lost that trophy, but I told you that. 336 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:01,999 I have an idea. I thought we might get another one. 337 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:07,479 A different head. A jogger... on the way home. Mm-mm. 338 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,280 Once the undertakers have gone... 339 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,480 ..I could get you a very big head indeed. 340 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,480 I like the big head. 341 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,839 I want the big head. We need to stay focused. 342 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,639 I have to get into the bloodlust zone if I'm to take a second life. 343 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,679 Imagine a double murder. 344 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:29,920 Hm? 345 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,840 I didn't hear anything you said. You can just let me go. 346 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,319 HE WAILS 347 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,360 Is that..? Timber! 348 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:49,520 SHOUTING: Timber! 349 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,519 Oh, thank God. Can you help? 350 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,240 He's had a terrible fall. 351 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,800 HIGH-PITCHED WAIL 352 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,519 A chair... 353 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,119 Put you down here. 354 00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:15,679 Thanks so much. 355 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:19,479 What were you two doing out there? 356 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,799 Er, we're bird-watchers. 357 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,479 We are. 358 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,040 We like watching... 359 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,280 ..birds. 360 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,559 What happened here? 361 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,959 Oh... It was just an accident. 362 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,319 Someone cut themselves shaving? 363 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:37,399 I did say that! Please. 364 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,599 WHISPERING: He doesn't like people dissing the dead. 365 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,759 We don't have a telephone signal here. 366 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,959 My brother will be back soon, so we'll organise something then, 367 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,079 but it doesn't seem broken to me. 368 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,960 Are you very close with your brother? 369 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,639 Yes. Very. 370 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,159 Adorable. 371 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:59,079 Such a shame about this accident. 372 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,039 It's very sad for someone to die all alone out here. 373 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,879 Is there anything more tragic? 374 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:05,920 Hey, don't start, you. 375 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,479 Where is he? 376 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:09,880 Where's who? 377 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,559 Where is the body? 378 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,839 What does that matter to you? HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY 379 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,919 Oh... Could I have some tea? I think I may be in shock. 380 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,239 I can make some tea. 381 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,279 The deceased is in the hearse, if that's what you mean. 382 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,519 We're having transport problems. 383 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,879 Oh, you've got problems, all right. 384 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,480 Would you like some tea, dear? 385 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,440 How long have you two been birdwatching? 386 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,039 Oh, a...long time. 387 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,440 Years. 388 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,079 What's your favourite bird? 389 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,039 I like a curlew. They're inquisitive. 390 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,919 Oh. And you? 391 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,000 Why do you ask? 392 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,280 Just answer the question, dear. 393 00:21:58,520 --> 00:21:59,919 Why should I? 394 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,319 I've got another question, if you don't like that one. 395 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,279 How did you know it was a "he"? 396 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:07,479 What? 397 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,800 You said the victim was a "he". How did you know? 398 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,639 I'm saying you're murderers, just to be clear. 399 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,679 I think you two are murderers! 400 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,239 HE YELLS 401 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,400 Ugh! THUD 402 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,240 I like the robin. 403 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,600 Fiercely territorial. 404 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,519 You said I'd have to stand up one day, Richard. 405 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,800 You told me that one day I would be tested. 406 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,080 Today, I become a man. 407 00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,200 THUD 408 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,719 Shall we take it now? Shall we just take it straight away? 409 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,799 Don't be ridiculous, it has to be dead first. 410 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,559 Why? It might be more fun just to take it now. 411 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,959 It wouldn't stay still enough. It would scream. We're lucky enough to have it tied up at all, 412 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,559 with all the hints you were bloody giving, 413 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,279 and now I've got two of them to deal with. I got over-excited. 414 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,759 Yeah, well, you always do. 415 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,959 You were supposed to wait for the undertaker to go. 416 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,279 PATHETICALLY: Humph. Don't be mad at her. 417 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,319 You're not the one who has to kill three of them in one day. 418 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,399 And all because you have to take your souvenir. 419 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:33,560 Hang on... Am I one of the three? 420 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,720 And what are you planning to take? 421 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,799 HE GASPS 422 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,399 My head! 423 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,280 My beautiful head! 424 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,839 You can't kill me! 425 00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,559 Oh, I'm afraid that horse has bolted. 426 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,919 Put it back! Put the horse back in the stable. 427 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:52,519 It's massive. 428 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,839 I don't even know where we'd keep it. 429 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,999 I'll build a shelf, an extra-wide one. 430 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,119 You're going to get it... 431 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,800 ..I promise. 432 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,959 THEY MOAN 433 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,400 MOANING CONTINUES 434 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,960 Do you actually mind? 435 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,400 Don't you raise your voice to ME... 436 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,559 ..or maybe I'll do as she asked. 437 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:24,799 Do it. 438 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,320 Do it, please. 439 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,119 But why would you want to? 440 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,999 I'm just a bloke. 441 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,760 I haven't even found anyone to look after my soul yet. 442 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:40,639 What? Just give me a few more years to find someone to remember me when I'm dead. 443 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,799 What is it talking about? 444 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,279 I haven't got anyone who'll care if you murder me. 445 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,400 Well, I have, but it's not going to ruin anyone's life. 446 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:53,919 Sur... Surely you want to murder someone people will miss? 447 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,800 Why would I care about that? Why would he care? 448 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:00,200 Don't you people want to be famous? 449 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,040 You're not going to get famous by killing a nobody. 450 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,320 We're going to make YOU famous, too, silly. 451 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,160 Your famous, massive head... 452 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,040 ..on...my...shelf. 453 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:31,560 WOMAN: Surprise! 454 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:35,919 Taser, taser, taser. 455 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,399 Ugh! 456 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,680 GRUNTING 457 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,119 All right, dickhead? 458 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:45,279 They were going to chop my head off. 459 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,599 Where would they have kept that? It's massive. 460 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,040 Yeah... 461 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,360 Did I do well, Richard? I'm very proud of you. 462 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,159 Bit dramatic, all this, innit, babs? Just a bit. 463 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:09,199 I've got a question. How did I know to come? 464 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:13,039 Just heard two DCs in the station talking about some murders in rural Wales. 465 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,399 They were getting all excited it was a serial killer. 466 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,159 Then I remembered you ringing. 467 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,999 No. Why did you say "taser" three times? 468 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,039 SHE CHUCKLES 469 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,159 What, so you just came on the off-chance? 470 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:28,039 I thought, if I know anyone unlucky enough to be murdered in rural Wales, 471 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,399 it's you. 472 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,879 I'm not unlucky. 473 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,959 You've bought tickets to the White Horse Christmas raffle for 25 years. 474 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:36,159 You've won nothing. 475 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,839 Yeah, because Mervyn fixes it, I've told you. 476 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,040 It's just a way of getting cheap meat for his cousins. 477 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,839 Back to Brum, then? Please. 478 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:49,799 I need a pint. So will you be naming your firstborn after me, then, now I've saved your life? 479 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,159 Oh, God, yeah. Even if it's a boy. Especially if it's a boy. 480 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,119 No, you'd be better with girls. You're not man enough to raise boys. 481 00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:56,839 Shut up. I'm a hunk. 482 00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:58,399 You didn't look very hunky in there. 483 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,920 What, when the murderers were trying to chop my head off? 484 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:07,559 How come you're in this? 485 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:08,839 It's my car. 486 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,119 Why aren't you in a cop car? 487 00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:12,999 I told you, Wales isn't my jurisdiction. 488 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,679 But you were at work. 489 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,559 I took the afternoon off. 490 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:17,639 Why? 491 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,479 I just had a bad feeling. 492 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:23,239 You are a disgustingly nice person, aren't you? 493 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,080 It's horrible, actually. Good job, too, innit? 494 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,519 So...are you coming down The Horse later, then, 495 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,880 or are you feeling too almost-murdered? 496 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,799 Why did you do that? 497 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,479 Why did you come? 498 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,959 Well...cos I was worried about you. 499 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,320 I often am. 500 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:46,800 I'm a nobody. 501 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,200 Not to me. 38295

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