All language subtitles for Maron - 02x03 - Therapy.ABH.English.C.edit.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:11,000 - corrected by lml - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:17,117 --> 00:00:18,951 Hey, birthday girl. Having fun? 3 00:00:18,953 --> 00:00:21,153 Yes. That's the third time you asked me. 4 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:22,955 I-it's a great party. 5 00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:24,957 I'm just not any happier about turning 30. 6 00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:26,658 You know, don't worry about it. 7 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,627 When you hit my age, you're not even gonna remember your 30s. 8 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:31,130 Wow. Okay. Here. - What? That was a joke. 9 00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:32,564 It was a joke. 10 00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:36,168 Wow. Teach me, master. - Oh, great. You guys. 11 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,303 30 years old. Tick, tock, tick, tock. 12 00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:40,639 You know what I'm saying? - Come on, man. Whose side are you on? 13 00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,307 Yeah, man, give him a break. 14 00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:44,309 If NPR wanted kids, he'd have had them a long time ago. 15 00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,978 I -- - What are you, like 70? 16 00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:48,213 All right, okay, look, the timing was just never right. 17 00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:50,382 You know, give me a break. - I think you'd be great with kids 18 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,684 'cause you're like a dad and a grandpa all rolled into one. - Thank you. 19 00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,319 A drandpa! - Wow, that's clever. 20 00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:55,654 You -- you proud of yourself? - It is. 21 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:58,490 You better have some more of this laying around 22 00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:01,160 because, hey, come on. - Yeah, maybe you better slow down, Belushi. 23 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:03,395 Tick, tock, tick, tock. Huh? Want to hit a meeting? 24 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:06,999 Bluto, nice to see you. 25 00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:10,269 That was completely uncalled for, but also 100% true. 26 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,008 I think your, uh -- 27 00:01:16,010 --> 00:01:19,511 your friend with the bangs threw up on the succulents. 28 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:22,347 That must mean it was a pretty good party, right? 29 00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:24,016 Yeah, it was good. 30 00:01:24,018 --> 00:01:26,018 Well, it doesn't have to end, 31 00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:28,120 'cause I got one more present. 32 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,593 Oh. 33 00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:38,197 Hawaii. 34 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,032 Wow, that's... 35 00:01:40,034 --> 00:01:41,100 Wow. 36 00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:43,535 Really, that's it? 37 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,204 Kevin gave you a new pair of headphones, 38 00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,805 and you jumped up and did a twerk thing. 39 00:01:48,374 --> 00:01:52,444 I will give you more than a twerk, mister. 40 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,046 Oh, yeah? 41 00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:55,214 Ooh. 42 00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:58,217 Look at that. Wow. 43 00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,619 What's happening? - Mmm. 44 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,321 Ohh. 45 00:02:07,393 --> 00:02:09,628 How about tonight, you cum inside of me? 46 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:10,696 Ooh. 47 00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,132 Um... 48 00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:15,134 I don't know. 49 00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:18,370 Uh... N-no? 50 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,810 Oh, come on. Really? 51 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:27,813 Really? 52 00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:39,124 ♪ Won't fall for it ♪ 53 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:41,593 ♪ you can't see ♪ 54 00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:44,463 ♪ and you can't tell ♪ 55 00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:49,601 ♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪ 56 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,270 I-I-I just don't know what to do anymore. 57 00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,638 I mean, I give her "a," she gets pissed off 58 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,106 I don't give her "b," "c," and "d," 59 00:02:54,108 --> 00:02:55,807 and I just don't know where it stops. 60 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,776 I mean, do the demands ever stop? 61 00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,478 You're a family man. Do they? 62 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,613 Yeah, sometime after the fourth kid. 63 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,683 Oh, man. Look, I-I'm not stupid. 64 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,185 I know what the end game is. 65 00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:07,786 I'm just not ready to go there yet, 66 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:09,288 and she thinks I'm stalling. 67 00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:11,623 Are you? - No, I'm -- I'm waiting. 68 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,292 For what? - For her to grow up. 69 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:16,128 Okay, I think we should put the focus on you, Marc. 70 00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:18,297 I don't know what that means. What does that mean exactly? 71 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:20,465 I don't know. 72 00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:23,135 It's just something our marriage counselor says all the time. 73 00:03:23,137 --> 00:03:24,469 You have no idea. 74 00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:26,638 I think it means you have to be honest with yourself 75 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:29,141 because that's the only thing you actually have control over. 76 00:03:29,143 --> 00:03:30,876 All right, well, I g-- I guess I'm scared. 77 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,146 Right. - You okay, buddy? 78 00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:36,648 I hate to do this. I'm sorry. I got to go to the john. 79 00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:39,351 Really? We're about to wrap up. Like two minutes? 80 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:42,154 I made a plate of huevos rancheros for the kids this morning. 81 00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:43,889 I ended up eating the whole goddamn pan. 82 00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,326 Shit, do I have to draw you a picture? I'm sorry. 83 00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,161 All right, all right, all right. Let's go. Let's go. 84 00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:50,395 Okay, man. All right. 85 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,663 Just -- just hang out here for a second, buddy. 86 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,165 Let me give Jen the heads-up, all right? 87 00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:55,167 What? Just hang out. Just hang out. 88 00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,568 Ohh. Why don't you send out an e-mail blast while you're at it? 89 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,204 Put up some fliers. Ohh! 90 00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:01,340 Jen. 91 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,342 Jesus. Don't you knock? 92 00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,877 I did. Hey, look, Dave Koechner has to use the bathroom. 93 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,579 Who? - Dave Koechner. 94 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,214 He was in "Anchorman." 95 00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:11,683 He was in... The other "Anchorman." 96 00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:14,519 He was on -- look, w-w-why are you taking a-a bubble bath 97 00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,688 in the middle of a Wednesday, anyways? 98 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:17,856 Ugh! 99 00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,524 I'm just gonna grab some napkins. 100 00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:21,760 Ew! What is he talking about? 101 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,762 You know what? I don't even want to know. 102 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,430 Just hand me a towel. 103 00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:36,608 This is why we need a second bathroom. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I get it. 104 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,910 We need a bigger house. I understand. I'm just not good with deadlines. 105 00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:40,712 Life has deadlines, Marc. 106 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,882 Wow, tough talk from someone whose amex bill I pay. 107 00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,385 Remember how I applied to all those grad schools? - I do. 108 00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:48,720 Well, I got in. - Congratulations. I'm so proud of you. 109 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,722 In Seattle -- starts this fall. 110 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,591 Is that a threat? That sounds like a threat. 111 00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:54,226 Are you threatening me? 112 00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:55,761 Well, that ship has sailed. 113 00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:58,563 Seattle peaked when I was like your age. 114 00:04:58,565 --> 00:04:59,998 Dave. 115 00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,735 Dave, the, uh, bathroom's open. 116 00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,570 Well, too late. 117 00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:07,406 You just got yourself some free fertilizer. 118 00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:08,940 Oh, you might want to keep your eye on that ficus. 119 00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:10,442 It's about to get giant. 120 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:13,412 So you shit in my yard? Okay. That's okay. 121 00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:14,913 Not bad, to be honest. 122 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,415 This might be a new thing for me. - Yeah? 123 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,750 Total ass freedom. - Good for you. 124 00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,319 I got to be honest with you -- I think that one 125 00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:21,920 you had in the chamber might have cost me a new house. 126 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,822 Hey, you want to be honest about this? - Uh-huh. 127 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,490 My wife and I have this marriage shrink. 128 00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,626 Uh-huh. - Guy works wonders. 129 00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:29,928 Yeah? - My wife -- she doesn't nag me about my drinking anymore. 130 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,763 Uh-huh. - I did not even have to give her a sixth kid. 131 00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,598 Wow. Good. 132 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,967 Can you imagine number six? - Some therapy, huh? 133 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:37,936 That was good. The guy's amazing. - Yeah? 134 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,605 Dr. Warren -- I'll get you his info, all right? - Okay. Yeah. 135 00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:42,641 He'll have you lovebirds back on track in no time. - Yeah. 136 00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:44,309 I mean, if that's what -- you know. - Did you wash up? 137 00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:45,477 Hey, you didn't wash up, did you? 138 00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:46,845 Good idea. Where's the garden hose? 139 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:49,648 We -- we can just go to the bathroom in the house. 140 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,616 Dave. - Better idea. 141 00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,518 Yeah. - Yeah, sure. Why not? 142 00:05:59,792 --> 00:06:01,693 I can't believe we're not even married, 143 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,829 and we're already going to couples counseling. 144 00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:06,465 Koechner swears by this guy. Just trust me. All right? 145 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:07,966 Oh, right, the guy who took a shit in our yard. 146 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,868 So glad we're taking his advice. 147 00:06:11,304 --> 00:06:13,505 I just don't think she can handle the responsibility of a child. 148 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:16,475 I mean, she can barely be responsible for herself. 149 00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:19,344 What? Just because I can drink alcohol and smoke a little weed 150 00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:22,013 with my friends without losing complete control of my life, like him -- 151 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:24,316 you're a total buzz kill. - Wow, that's sweet. 152 00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:27,352 Ouch. I get it. You see what I'm dealing with? 153 00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,987 Did you ever consider you have a father, and it's not me? 154 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,489 Oh, God. This again. 155 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,324 Wow, o-okay. 156 00:06:32,326 --> 00:06:34,826 Um, you know, when a simple question like, 157 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:38,330 "why are you in therapy?" elicits that kind of a response, 158 00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:40,999 I-I think there's a lot on the table. - That doesn't sound good. 159 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:44,669 No, no, no. E-everything's fine. E-everything's great. Um... 160 00:06:44,671 --> 00:06:46,905 You know what I like to do in a situation like this? 161 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,508 I like to sometimes bring in a second therapist, you know, 162 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,510 just to help us work through some of the issues. 163 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,011 Now, you're in luck 164 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,547 because my wife also happens to work out of our home. 165 00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,015 So with your permission, 166 00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,751 I'd like to see if she's available to work with us. 167 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,386 What is this? Therapy or a dinner party? 168 00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:02,754 I know. 169 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,756 Seems a little odd, but at the same time, 170 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,591 we can work through our couples work, 171 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,027 and then you guys can work through your personal issues 172 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,729 with her separately -- sound good? 173 00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,364 Yeah. 174 00:07:12,366 --> 00:07:14,499 Great! I'll get her right now. 175 00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:17,869 It's weird. 176 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,704 This was your idea. 177 00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:21,773 I hope it doesn't cost double. 178 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,944 We actually met our first year in the same doctorate program. 179 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,712 Oh, we did. We did. 180 00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:29,047 Of course, I finished first. 181 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:30,415 Oh. Guilty. 182 00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,050 I'm slow. 183 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,052 Well, I was just so young, you know? I had so much energy. 184 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,621 It's true. - You can probably relate to that. 185 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,889 Yeah. 186 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,758 Age difference is fine. 187 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,560 I find that, actually, we're -- we're very -- 188 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,462 it works well. It works well. - Sure. Sure. 189 00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:44,963 This is -- no, this is good. 190 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,898 Oh, I can see why you called me in. 191 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,968 She's good. - Ahh. 192 00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,741 You know, Delphine really gets it. 193 00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:59,444 I mean, you've had two train-wreck marriages, 194 00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:02,147 so naturally, you're terrified of commitment. 195 00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:04,950 Uh-huh. 196 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,785 Marc. 197 00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:09,588 You're doing exactly what they told us not to do, remember? 198 00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,623 Empathetic listening? 199 00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:12,757 Right. 200 00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:14,993 Yes, right, okay. All right. 201 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,462 I hear and accept your concerns, 202 00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,598 but I think that my concerns 203 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,933 about you pushing me into marriage 204 00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,469 and into starting a family are valid 205 00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:27,472 and need to be addressed, as does your dishes 206 00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:30,809 and whatever that pile of clothing is in the hallway. 207 00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,944 I hear and I accept your concerns, 208 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,113 and I have been proactive about it. 209 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:39,150 Ergo, I got a robot vacuum cleaner. 210 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,819 Hey! 211 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,854 Hmm. I don't know. 212 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,524 I think that's gonna scare the shit out of the cats. 213 00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,226 Wow. 214 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,800 All right, Marc, um, before we start 215 00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:57,869 our one-on-one session, you have any questions? 216 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,705 Yes. How does our team win? 217 00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:03,842 Really? Nothing? 218 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,644 Look, don't get me wrong, Marc. 219 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:08,480 I love humor, but do you really see this as a competition? 220 00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,048 I mean, 'cause it shouldn't be. 221 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,484 Oh, really? Well, maybe you ought to tell her that. 222 00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,886 Hold on. Do you hear that? 223 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,989 Do you hear that? 224 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:20,025 I think it's coming through the vent. I can hear Jen's laugh. 225 00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:22,561 No, Marc, Marc, look, you shouldn't just concentrate on that right now. 226 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,929 Just shut up for a second. 227 00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:28,567 Marc, just look. Marc, sit back. Stop listening. 228 00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:30,001 Stop listening, okay? 229 00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,003 Look, don't worry about them. 230 00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,672 This is not a competition, okay? 231 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,173 Whatever you think, man, 232 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,008 but right now she's turning your wife against me. 233 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,177 Okay, look, Delphine is a professional. - Mm. 234 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,680 She's not turning anyone against anyone, okay? - Mm-hmm. 235 00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:43,682 So let's just stop talking about them, 236 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:46,084 and let's concentrate on this fella right here, 237 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,185 Mr. Marc Maron, okay? 238 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,521 Okay. Fine. - Good. 239 00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:51,556 So, uh, where should we start? 240 00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:53,692 How come, uh, they got the better office? 241 00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:56,094 Okay. 242 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,530 I come home late from the movie, and he thinks I'm cheating. 243 00:09:58,532 --> 00:10:00,065 And then to prove I'm not lying, 244 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,567 I have to relate the entire plot of "Looper," 245 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:05,537 which is really difficult 'cause there's parts of it that I didn't even understand. 246 00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:08,873 Yeah, that's -- that does sound trying. 247 00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:11,543 You know, s-she wants me to change, but she's not willing to change. 248 00:10:11,545 --> 00:10:13,211 He has this insane temper. 249 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,213 I mean, you never know when he's gonna blow up. 250 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,716 I mean, what's so wrong with laughing at "The Big Bang Theory"? 251 00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:20,218 You know, she works with special-needs kids. 252 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,887 I mean, I-if that's the case, why can't she deal with me better? 253 00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:25,957 He has no problem ridiculing me onstage just to get a laugh. 254 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,960 She's only interested in having a baby, not being with me. 255 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,895 I'm -- I'm hearing a lot of negatives. 256 00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:32,230 Are there any positives? 257 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,932 Yeah, sure. 258 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,734 Uh, she can hold her own in an argument. - Great. 259 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:38,069 Um, she says really funny shit when she's pissed. 260 00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,571 Angry. - Yeah, yeah. 261 00:10:39,573 --> 00:10:41,906 And the sex is... 262 00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:43,074 Cathartic. 263 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,776 Oh, it's so intense. 264 00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,778 Like, I feel like he's gonna have a heart attack 265 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,580 inside of me. 266 00:10:48,582 --> 00:10:50,749 You know those spiders that kill and devour each other 267 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,117 right at climax? 268 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:54,085 Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. - It's like that... 269 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:56,588 Only with crying. 270 00:10:56,590 --> 00:10:58,990 Okay. Very good. 271 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,259 Wait. What was the question? 272 00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:02,794 Does not matter. 273 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,262 I am in the prime of my life. 274 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,264 I mean, why did I have to fall in love 275 00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:09,100 with a 50-year-old, twice-divorced guy with anger issues? 276 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,269 I mean, what does that say about me? 277 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,104 I know what it says. 278 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,106 It says I got to be out of my mind to go through this again. 279 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,941 I mean, what's wrong with me? 280 00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,109 Um... 281 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,779 It's almost like my dick... 282 00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,614 is a broken detector. 283 00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:26,117 That's a good one. - I know, right? 284 00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,119 That was a good one. - Well, it's true. 285 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:31,956 Look, Marc, the -- the thing we all have to accept as couples 286 00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:34,125 is that every couple has growing pains. 287 00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,794 Nobody's broken here. 288 00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:38,830 Uh, it's just that you each have your own issues, you know? 289 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,799 And -- and the -- the question is 290 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,634 how you deal with those issues. 291 00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:44,302 Now, Delphine and I -- you know, we excel 292 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,971 not because of these diplomas on the wall, 293 00:11:46,973 --> 00:11:49,641 but because we've had the exact same issues that you have. 294 00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:51,810 Does your chick have three bathroom drawers full of nail polish? 295 00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,812 No. 296 00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:56,314 She does have four drawers full of blow dryers, though. 297 00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,316 Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. - Huh? Come on. I know. 298 00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,151 Is that a high-five, or was that -- that's a high-five. 299 00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:02,087 Yeah. - All right. It's hard to tell midway through. 300 00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:06,658 Did you notice he was wearing socks 301 00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:08,693 that matched her skirt the other day? 302 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:11,329 I know. It's like, "We get it. You're perfect." 303 00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,031 You know, when I was walking to the bathroom, 304 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:16,000 they had not one, but two entire bookshelves 305 00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:18,002 full of tantric-sex books. 306 00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:19,671 No. - Yeah, they probably, like, 307 00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:22,006 stare each other in the eyes when they come. 308 00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:24,876 Oh, God. I don't even want to picture them doing that. 309 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:28,046 I-I bet you that she, like, makes him clean the oven 310 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:30,048 and probably, like -- 311 00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:32,917 like, puts, like, a -- like, a strap-on on, 312 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,853 you know, and just stands behind him going, 313 00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,254 "You want this? You want this?" 314 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,856 But he can't do anything 315 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,357 'cause it's like a dirty-diaper-scenario thing. 316 00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,860 So he's just like, "I don't know if I want it. 317 00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,194 I don't know." 318 00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,230 You haven't thought about this at all. 319 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,699 No, not at all. I haven't thought about it. 320 00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,367 Oh, God. - All right. 321 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:52,771 So, this is amazing. Dinner -- dinner's almost done, 322 00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,372 and no fights. 323 00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:57,275 Maybe therapy's, uh, panning out. 324 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,277 You know... - What? 325 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,879 ...You're not so far away 326 00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:03,214 from a dirty-diaper scenario yourself, mister. 327 00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,283 Does that mean you're gonna put a strap-on on and -- 328 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,051 That's weird. - Is that what you want? 329 00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,853 No, no, I don't even know why I said that. 330 00:13:10,089 --> 00:13:14,392 So, look, uh, we're sorry we're gonna miss next week's session, 331 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:17,395 but we're gonna be riding sea turtles in Kauai. 332 00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,063 Oh! - Yeah. 333 00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:21,232 And also, uh, I'm pretty happy to report 334 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:24,269 that I think we've been making some progress since last week. 335 00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:26,271 Huh. Well, before we get too optimistic, 336 00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:28,907 um, I think we should get specific about the issues. 337 00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:30,308 Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, um -- 338 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,410 like, what's holding Marc back? - Yeah. 339 00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,412 One of the things that's holding Marc back 340 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,781 is being spoken about like he's not in the room. 341 00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:37,949 Fair enough. - Oops. 342 00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,751 Fair enough. 343 00:13:39,753 --> 00:13:41,419 No, no. - Little hostile, okay. 344 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,087 Marc, you say that you want to move forward, 345 00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:46,291 but you still refer to Jen as broken. 346 00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:48,159 Let's talk about that. 347 00:13:50,262 --> 00:13:52,130 I didn't say that. 348 00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,432 I'm sorry. I was under the impression that you -- 349 00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,267 you said your penis was, uh, 350 00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:59,170 some sort of detection device for broken women. 351 00:14:00,105 --> 00:14:03,041 I'm broken? You think that I'm broken? 352 00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:05,777 No, no, I -- no. 353 00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:07,111 I don't -- I don't think you're broken. 354 00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:08,446 I think we all have issues. 355 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,248 Well, that's not what you said. 356 00:14:12,318 --> 00:14:15,119 Uh, I think there's been some confusion here. 357 00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:16,554 Um... 358 00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,358 Warren, can we talk privately for a second? 359 00:14:21,293 --> 00:14:23,995 You know, I think we're better off talking all this -- 360 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:26,130 I think now is what I'm talking about! 361 00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,266 Sure, yeah, me too. Okay. Right in here, right in here. 362 00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:34,973 What the hell, man?! You sold me out! 363 00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:37,008 Come on, keep your voice down. Keep your voice down. 364 00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:39,310 It was a joke, for Christ's sake! You knew that! 365 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,312 I mean, did you tell her about the Jon Hamm dream, too? 366 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,214 No, no, no, Marc, look. It's like all therapists -- 367 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,149 we consult with each other on a professional level. 368 00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:47,485 Oh, is that what you call it? "Consulting"? 369 00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:50,488 Well, that's weird, because it sounds a lot like gossiping to me. - Marc, come on. 370 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:54,192 What, you're gonna stand there and bullshit me to my face? You didn't need to repeat that. 371 00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:58,563 So, are you excited about Hawaii? 372 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,500 One night, I was trying to fill 373 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,335 the silence and the void with her, you know, by -- 374 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,004 by just kind of being entertaining, 375 00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,338 and it slipped out. 376 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,173 I didn't even think she heard me, you know? 377 00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:11,042 I mean, she's so busy I.M.ing with old flames on Facebook, 378 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,977 I didn't think it registered. 379 00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:18,182 All right, man. All right. Okay. Okay. Cool. 380 00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:20,385 Okay. Hey, look, the -- the most important thing is 381 00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,553 we just don't derail the progress we've been making 382 00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,355 by going out there and harping on this 383 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,190 in front of Delphine, right? - Yeah. 384 00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:28,192 I just think it'd be best for everyone, 385 00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:31,062 when we get out there, you just dropped it, you know what I mean? 386 00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,363 I-I-if you bring it up, 387 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:33,932 it's gonna be worse for all of us. 388 00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,934 All right, okay. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 389 00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:38,202 Okay? Cool? - Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. Yeah, I'm cool, I'm cool. 390 00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:39,537 Okay. Good. All right. 391 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,439 Thanks, pal. Thanks. 392 00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:44,275 Oh! Here we go. 393 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,277 Hey. Hello. - Hello, hello. 394 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,546 All right? You know what? Here's what we'll do. 395 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:50,548 Let's go over a few skills that the two of you can practice 396 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:53,217 between your limbos and luaus. 397 00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:55,286 Oh, great idea because, of course, vacation 398 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:58,122 is such a great time to start new, better habits, right? 399 00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,590 Yeah, it is. Mm-hmm. 400 00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:03,061 Marc, instead of focusing on Jen's shortcomings, 401 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,563 I want you to focus on being the best partner that you can be. 402 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,066 Great idea. - All right? So then, if a conflict -- 403 00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:09,600 Everyone in this room is a liar. 404 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:12,070 Excuse me? - Here we go. 405 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:13,905 Look, I know you two are having personal issues, 406 00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:15,606 but how about attempting a little professionalism? 407 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,575 What is he -- - No, you know what? 408 00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:19,978 I-I think we're just about out of time, so we can -- but what -- 409 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,980 You think just because you color-coordinate your outfits 410 00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:24,983 that you can judge us? - Marc, what the hell are you doing? 411 00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:27,118 They're no better off than us. They're worse than us. 412 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,287 He's terrified of her, and she's trolling for dick on Facebook. 413 00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:32,090 Oh, boy. - What are you -- 414 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,592 please tell me you were not discussing our marriage. 415 00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,327 with a client?! Jesus Christ. 416 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,929 Yeah, how does that feel, Warren, 417 00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:39,263 to be someone else's gossip fodder? 418 00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:40,932 Look, I barely said anything. 419 00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:43,434 You are jeopardizing our entire practice right now. 420 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,504 Oh, wait, I'm acting unprofessionally? Is that what's going on? 421 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,639 Because I hear you flirting with your Friday at 4:00 422 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,609 through the wall, and it sounds like you're on a goddamn date! 423 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:54,112 Oh, my God. How do you know what goes on in my sessions? 424 00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:57,115 A-are you eavesdropping? - Gee, I don't think I'm deaf, 425 00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,950 because I certainly can't not hear you laughing hysterically 426 00:16:58,952 --> 00:17:00,518 at everything he says! 427 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,286 Why don't you just marry the guy?! 428 00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:04,022 "Why don't you just marry the guy?!" 429 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,324 Listen to yourself! Do you know how effeminate you sound? 430 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,526 I -- I think this has been a great session. 431 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,361 You've made a lot of progress. 432 00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:15,466 What? 433 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,969 Screw this. 434 00:17:17,971 --> 00:17:19,670 Jen, come on. 435 00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:21,472 Well, that's awesome. - Thank you. Thank you. 436 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:23,474 Good luck with everything. 437 00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,543 That's great. We got birthday presents to buy. 438 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,212 We will talk to you after your vacation! Have a good one! 439 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,984 I knew this double-therapy thing was weird. 440 00:17:32,986 --> 00:17:34,252 They should pay us for that session. 441 00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:41,159 Hey, Jen. Unlock the door. 442 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:42,493 Jen. 443 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,562 What's happening? 444 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,068 Come on! 445 00:17:56,508 --> 00:17:58,743 Hey, baby. 446 00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:03,648 I think I walked off my entire childhood. 447 00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:08,052 It's a great idea angrily leaving me without a ride. 448 00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:09,787 It's very cathartic. 449 00:18:10,722 --> 00:18:12,790 Hello? 450 00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:24,435 So, uh -- so, did you cool down? 451 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:26,704 What, are you getting a head start on the packing, or -- 452 00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:29,040 Yes, I am packing. 453 00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:31,709 Uh, are we okay? 454 00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:34,045 I mean, I-I think Hawaii's gonna be, you know, 455 00:18:34,047 --> 00:18:36,047 more help to us than therapy, actually. 456 00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:37,215 I'm not going, Marc. 457 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:38,616 What are you talking about? 458 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:42,053 Come on. I mean, therapy was a disaster, but I think -- 459 00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:44,555 No, it wasn't a disaster. It was really helpful. 460 00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,091 It made us both realize that we don't want a future together. 461 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,293 That is not true for me. I mean, you're projecting here. 462 00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,429 I just wanted to wait until we worked some stuff out. 463 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,731 No, you need to work some stuff out. 464 00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:56,234 I am fine. I know exactly what I want. 465 00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:04,242 You're a child, and I'm not gonna have a child with a child. 466 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,277 Come on, why can't we talk about this? 467 00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:09,413 This all goes away in Hawaii. That's what Hawaii's for. 468 00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:11,415 Fine. Go to Hawaii. Have a great time. 469 00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:12,650 I'll be in Seattle. 470 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,085 Can't we talk about it? 471 00:19:14,087 --> 00:19:15,786 What's there to talk about, Marc? 472 00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,456 It's an all-paid vacation. It's an all-inclusive resort. 473 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:21,325 I mean, I can't go down there alone with all those buffets. 474 00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:24,328 What do you want from me? What, do you want me to put a baby in you right now? 475 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,496 Is that what you want? 476 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,498 Yes, Marc! Put a baby in me, okay?! 477 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,767 Come on! Right now! Let's go! Let's do it! 478 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,269 Come on. Is this sexy? 479 00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,171 Put a baby in me! 480 00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:42,246 Exactly. 481 00:20:17,816 --> 00:20:23,154 Look, I'm not what anyone would call the easiest fellow, okay? 482 00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:24,689 And as some of you can tell from my voice, 483 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,824 there is some shit going down with me. 484 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,826 I don't want to get into specifics, 485 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:32,830 but my relationship is, uh -- is over. 486 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,166 And I feel horrible. 487 00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:36,667 And the saddest part about it 488 00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,836 is that we both still love each other. 489 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,538 We just couldn't make it work. 490 00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:44,342 We -- we -- we -- we tried everything, 491 00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:47,678 and we just couldn't make it work. 492 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,747 I mean, it's nobody's fault. 493 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,216 You know, it takes two to toxic, 494 00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,719 so we had to end it. 495 00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:56,854 And I miss her. 496 00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:58,356 And I feel like, you know, 497 00:20:58,358 --> 00:20:59,890 not only is -- is part of my life missing, 498 00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:03,694 but part of my brain is missing, part of my heart is missing. 499 00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:06,430 I mean, I haven't felt this sad and alone in -- 500 00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:09,267 I-I mean, I don't -- I don't know how long. 501 00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:11,202 I-I just don't know 502 00:21:11,204 --> 00:21:13,904 if I'm ever gonna get this relationship thing right. 503 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:16,407 I mean, how much time do I have left? 504 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:19,377 I mean, that's cynical, but, I mean, seriously. 505 00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:21,946 I mean, it'll -- it'll get better, right? 506 00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:25,683 Right? 507 00:21:34,893 --> 00:21:38,929 Hey, look, if you're in the market for, uh, condoms, lube, 508 00:21:38,931 --> 00:21:40,798 or things that go buzz and hum in the night, 509 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,400 I have got a deal for you. 510 00:21:42,402 --> 00:21:45,236 My sponsor will deliver you erotica, 511 00:21:45,238 --> 00:21:47,571 sex toys, discreetly packaged -- 512 00:21:47,573 --> 00:21:50,474 I can't do this now. 513 00:21:51,943 --> 00:21:54,011 Damn. 39827

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