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1
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:11,000
- corrected by lml -
- www.addic7ed.com -
2
00:00:17,117 --> 00:00:18,951
Hey, birthday girl.
Having fun?
3
00:00:18,953 --> 00:00:21,153
Yes. That's the third time
you asked me.
4
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:22,955
I-it's a great party.
5
00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:24,957
I'm just not any happier
about turning 30.
6
00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:26,658
You know,
don't worry about it.
7
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,627
When you hit my age, you're not
even gonna remember your 30s.
8
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:31,130
Wow. Okay. Here.
- What? That was a joke.
9
00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:32,564
It was a joke.
10
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:36,168
Wow. Teach me, master.
- Oh, great. You guys.
11
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,303
30 years old.
Tick, tock, tick, tock.
12
00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:40,639
You know what I'm saying?
- Come on, man. Whose side are you on?
13
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,307
Yeah, man,
give him a break.
14
00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:44,309
If NPR wanted kids, he'd have
had them a long time ago.
15
00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,978
I --
- What are you, like 70?
16
00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:48,213
All right, okay, look,
the timing was just never right.
17
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:50,382
You know, give me a break.
- I think you'd be great with kids
18
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,684
'cause you're like a dad and a grandpa
all rolled into one. - Thank you.
19
00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,319
A drandpa!
- Wow, that's clever.
20
00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:55,654
You -- you proud of yourself?
- It is.
21
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:58,490
You better have some more
of this laying around
22
00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:01,160
because, hey, come on. - Yeah, maybe
you better slow down, Belushi.
23
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:03,395
Tick, tock, tick, tock. Huh?
Want to hit a meeting?
24
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:06,999
Bluto, nice to see you.
25
00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:10,269
That was completely uncalled
for, but also 100% true.
26
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,008
I think your, uh --
27
00:01:16,010 --> 00:01:19,511
your friend with the bangs
threw up on the succulents.
28
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:22,347
That must mean it was
a pretty good party, right?
29
00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:24,016
Yeah, it was good.
30
00:01:24,018 --> 00:01:26,018
Well, it doesn't have to end,
31
00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:28,120
'cause I got one more present.
32
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,593
Oh.
33
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:38,197
Hawaii.
34
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,032
Wow, that's...
35
00:01:40,034 --> 00:01:41,100
Wow.
36
00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:43,535
Really, that's it?
37
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,204
Kevin gave you
a new pair of headphones,
38
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,805
and you jumped up
and did a twerk thing.
39
00:01:48,374 --> 00:01:52,444
I will give you
more than a twerk, mister.
40
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,046
Oh, yeah?
41
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:55,214
Ooh.
42
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:58,217
Look at that. Wow.
43
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,619
What's happening?
- Mmm.
44
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,321
Ohh.
45
00:02:07,393 --> 00:02:09,628
How about tonight,
you cum inside of me?
46
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:10,696
Ooh.
47
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,132
Um...
48
00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:15,134
I don't know.
49
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:18,370
Uh... N-no?
50
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,810
Oh, come on. Really?
51
00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:27,813
Really?
52
00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:39,124
♪ Won't fall for it ♪
53
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:41,593
♪ you can't see ♪
54
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:44,463
♪ and you can't tell ♪
55
00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:49,601
♪ I just can't drink
from the poisoned well ♪
56
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,270
I-I-I just don't know
what to do anymore.
57
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,638
I mean, I give her "a,"
she gets pissed off
58
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,106
I don't give her
"b," "c," and "d,"
59
00:02:54,108 --> 00:02:55,807
and I just don't know
where it stops.
60
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,776
I mean,
do the demands ever stop?
61
00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,478
You're a family man.
Do they?
62
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,613
Yeah, sometime
after the fourth kid.
63
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,683
Oh, man.
Look, I-I'm not stupid.
64
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,185
I know what
the end game is.
65
00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:07,786
I'm just not ready
to go there yet,
66
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:09,288
and she thinks
I'm stalling.
67
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:11,623
Are you?
- No, I'm -- I'm waiting.
68
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,292
For what?
- For her to grow up.
69
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:16,128
Okay, I think we should put
the focus on you, Marc.
70
00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:18,297
I don't know what that means.
What does that mean exactly?
71
00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:20,465
I don't know.
72
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:23,135
It's just something our marriage
counselor says all the time.
73
00:03:23,137 --> 00:03:24,469
You have no idea.
74
00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:26,638
I think it means you have
to be honest with yourself
75
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:29,141
because that's the only thing
you actually have control over.
76
00:03:29,143 --> 00:03:30,876
All right, well, I g--
I guess I'm scared.
77
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,146
Right.
- You okay, buddy?
78
00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:36,648
I hate to do this. I'm sorry.
I got to go to the john.
79
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:39,351
Really? We're about to wrap up.
Like two minutes?
80
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:42,154
I made a plate of huevos
rancheros for the kids this morning.
81
00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:43,889
I ended up eating
the whole goddamn pan.
82
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,326
Shit, do I have to draw you
a picture? I'm sorry.
83
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,161
All right, all right, all right.
Let's go. Let's go.
84
00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:50,395
Okay, man. All right.
85
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,663
Just -- just hang out here
for a second, buddy.
86
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,165
Let me give Jen
the heads-up, all right?
87
00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:55,167
What? Just hang out.
Just hang out.
88
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,568
Ohh. Why don't you send out an
e-mail blast while you're at it?
89
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,204
Put up some fliers.
Ohh!
90
00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:01,340
Jen.
91
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,342
Jesus. Don't you knock?
92
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,877
I did. Hey, look, Dave Koechner
has to use the bathroom.
93
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,579
Who?
- Dave Koechner.
94
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,214
He was in "Anchorman."
95
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:11,683
He was in...
The other "Anchorman."
96
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:14,519
He was on -- look, w-w-why are
you taking a-a bubble bath
97
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,688
in the middle of a Wednesday, anyways?
98
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:17,856
Ugh!
99
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,524
I'm just gonna grab
some napkins.
100
00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:21,760
Ew!
What is he talking about?
101
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,762
You know what?
I don't even want to know.
102
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,430
Just hand me a towel.
103
00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:36,608
This is why we need a second bathroom.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I get it.
104
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,910
We need a bigger house. I understand.
I'm just not good with deadlines.
105
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:40,712
Life has deadlines, Marc.
106
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,882
Wow, tough talk from someone
whose amex bill I pay.
107
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,385
Remember how I applied to all
those grad schools? - I do.
108
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:48,720
Well, I got in. - Congratulations.
I'm so proud of you.
109
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,722
In Seattle -- starts this fall.
110
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,591
Is that a threat?
That sounds like a threat.
111
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:54,226
Are you threatening me?
112
00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:55,761
Well, that ship has sailed.
113
00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:58,563
Seattle peaked when I
was like your age.
114
00:04:58,565 --> 00:04:59,998
Dave.
115
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,735
Dave, the, uh, bathroom's open.
116
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,570
Well, too late.
117
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:07,406
You just got yourself
some free fertilizer.
118
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:08,940
Oh, you might want to keep
your eye on that ficus.
119
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:10,442
It's about to get giant.
120
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:13,412
So you shit in my yard?
Okay. That's okay.
121
00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:14,913
Not bad, to be honest.
122
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,415
This might be a new thing for me.
- Yeah?
123
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,750
Total ass freedom.
- Good for you.
124
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,319
I got to be honest with you --
I think that one
125
00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:21,920
you had in the chamber might
have cost me a new house.
126
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,822
Hey, you want to be honest about this?
- Uh-huh.
127
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,490
My wife and I have
this marriage shrink.
128
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,626
Uh-huh.
- Guy works wonders.
129
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:29,928
Yeah? - My wife -- she doesn't nag
me about my drinking anymore.
130
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,763
Uh-huh. - I did not even have
to give her a sixth kid.
131
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,598
Wow. Good.
132
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,967
Can you imagine number six?
- Some therapy, huh?
133
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:37,936
That was good. The guy's amazing.
- Yeah?
134
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,605
Dr. Warren -- I'll get you his info, all right?
- Okay. Yeah.
135
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:42,641
He'll have you lovebirds back on track in no time.
- Yeah.
136
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:44,309
I mean, if that's what -- you know.
- Did you wash up?
137
00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:45,477
Hey, you didn't wash up,
did you?
138
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:46,845
Good idea.
Where's the garden hose?
139
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:49,648
We -- we can just go
to the bathroom in the house.
140
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,616
Dave.
- Better idea.
141
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,518
Yeah. - Yeah, sure.
Why not?
142
00:05:59,792 --> 00:06:01,693
I can't believe
we're not even married,
143
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,829
and we're already
going to couples counseling.
144
00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:06,465
Koechner swears by this guy.
Just trust me. All right?
145
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:07,966
Oh, right, the guy
who took a shit in our yard.
146
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,868
So glad we're taking his advice.
147
00:06:11,304 --> 00:06:13,505
I just don't think she can
handle the responsibility of a child.
148
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:16,475
I mean, she can barely
be responsible for herself.
149
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:19,344
What? Just because I can drink
alcohol and smoke a little weed
150
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:22,013
with my friends without losing complete
control of my life, like him --
151
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:24,316
you're a total buzz kill.
- Wow, that's sweet.
152
00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:27,352
Ouch. I get it.
You see what I'm dealing with?
153
00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,987
Did you ever consider you have
a father, and it's not me?
154
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,489
Oh, God.
This again.
155
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,324
Wow, o-okay.
156
00:06:32,326 --> 00:06:34,826
Um, you know,
when a simple question like,
157
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:38,330
"why are you in therapy?"
elicits that kind of a response,
158
00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:40,999
I-I think there's a lot on the table.
- That doesn't sound good.
159
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:44,669
No, no, no. E-everything's fine.
E-everything's great. Um...
160
00:06:44,671 --> 00:06:46,905
You know what I like to do
in a situation like this?
161
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,508
I like to sometimes bring in
a second therapist, you know,
162
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,510
just to help us work through
some of the issues.
163
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,011
Now, you're in luck
164
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,547
because my wife also happens
to work out of our home.
165
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,015
So with your permission,
166
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,751
I'd like to see if she's
available to work with us.
167
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,386
What is this?
Therapy or a dinner party?
168
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:02,754
I know.
169
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,756
Seems a little odd,
but at the same time,
170
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,591
we can work through
our couples work,
171
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,027
and then you guys can work
through your personal issues
172
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,729
with her separately --
sound good?
173
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,364
Yeah.
174
00:07:12,366 --> 00:07:14,499
Great! I'll get her right now.
175
00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:17,869
It's weird.
176
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,704
This was your idea.
177
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:21,773
I hope it doesn't
cost double.
178
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,944
We actually met our first year
in the same doctorate program.
179
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,712
Oh, we did. We did.
180
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:29,047
Of course, I finished first.
181
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:30,415
Oh.
Guilty.
182
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,050
I'm slow.
183
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,052
Well, I was just so young,
you know? I had so much energy.
184
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,621
It's true.
- You can probably relate to that.
185
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,889
Yeah.
186
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,758
Age difference is fine.
187
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,560
I find that, actually,
we're -- we're very --
188
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,462
it works well. It works well.
- Sure. Sure.
189
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:44,963
This is --
no, this is good.
190
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,898
Oh, I can see
why you called me in.
191
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,968
She's good.
- Ahh.
192
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,741
You know, Delphine
really gets it.
193
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:59,444
I mean, you've had
two train-wreck marriages,
194
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:02,147
so naturally,
you're terrified of commitment.
195
00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:04,950
Uh-huh.
196
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,785
Marc.
197
00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:09,588
You're doing exactly what they
told us not to do, remember?
198
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,623
Empathetic listening?
199
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:12,757
Right.
200
00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:14,993
Yes, right, okay.
All right.
201
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,462
I hear and accept
your concerns,
202
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,598
but I think
that my concerns
203
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,933
about you pushing me
into marriage
204
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,469
and into starting
a family are valid
205
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:27,472
and need to be addressed,
as does your dishes
206
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:30,809
and whatever that pile
of clothing is in the hallway.
207
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,944
I hear and I accept
your concerns,
208
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,113
and I have been
proactive about it.
209
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:39,150
Ergo, I got
a robot vacuum cleaner.
210
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,819
Hey!
211
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,854
Hmm.
I don't know.
212
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,524
I think that's gonna scare
the shit out of the cats.
213
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,226
Wow.
214
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,800
All right, Marc, um,
before we start
215
00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:57,869
our one-on-one session,
you have any questions?
216
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,705
Yes.
How does our team win?
217
00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:03,842
Really? Nothing?
218
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,644
Look, don't get me
wrong, Marc.
219
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:08,480
I love humor, but do you really
see this as a competition?
220
00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,048
I mean, 'cause it shouldn't be.
221
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,484
Oh, really? Well, maybe
you ought to tell her that.
222
00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,886
Hold on.
Do you hear that?
223
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,989
Do you hear that?
224
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:20,025
I think it's coming through the
vent. I can hear Jen's laugh.
225
00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:22,561
No, Marc, Marc, look, you shouldn't
just concentrate on that right now.
226
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,929
Just shut up for a second.
227
00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:28,567
Marc, just look.
Marc, sit back. Stop listening.
228
00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:30,001
Stop listening, okay?
229
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,003
Look, don't worry about them.
230
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,672
This is not a competition, okay?
231
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,173
Whatever you think, man,
232
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,008
but right now she's turning
your wife against me.
233
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,177
Okay, look, Delphine is a professional.
- Mm.
234
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,680
She's not turning anyone against anyone,
okay? - Mm-hmm.
235
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:43,682
So let's just stop
talking about them,
236
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:46,084
and let's concentrate
on this fella right here,
237
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,185
Mr. Marc Maron, okay?
238
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,521
Okay. Fine.
- Good.
239
00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:51,556
So, uh,
where should we start?
240
00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:53,692
How come, uh,
they got the better office?
241
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:56,094
Okay.
242
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,530
I come home late from the movie,
and he thinks I'm cheating.
243
00:09:58,532 --> 00:10:00,065
And then
to prove I'm not lying,
244
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,567
I have to relate
the entire plot of "Looper,"
245
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:05,537
which is really difficult 'cause there's
parts of it that I didn't even understand.
246
00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:08,873
Yeah, that's --
that does sound trying.
247
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:11,543
You know, s-she wants me to change,
but she's not willing to change.
248
00:10:11,545 --> 00:10:13,211
He has
this insane temper.
249
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,213
I mean, you never know
when he's gonna blow up.
250
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,716
I mean, what's so wrong with
laughing at "The Big Bang Theory"?
251
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:20,218
You know, she works
with special-needs kids.
252
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,887
I mean, I-if that's the case, why
can't she deal with me better?
253
00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:25,957
He has no problem ridiculing me
onstage just to get a laugh.
254
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,960
She's only interested in having
a baby, not being with me.
255
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,895
I'm -- I'm hearing
a lot of negatives.
256
00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:32,230
Are there any positives?
257
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,932
Yeah, sure.
258
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,734
Uh, she can hold her own in an argument.
- Great.
259
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:38,069
Um, she says really funny shit
when she's pissed.
260
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,571
Angry.
- Yeah, yeah.
261
00:10:39,573 --> 00:10:41,906
And the sex is...
262
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:43,074
Cathartic.
263
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,776
Oh, it's so intense.
264
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,778
Like, I feel like he's
gonna have a heart attack
265
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,580
inside of me.
266
00:10:48,582 --> 00:10:50,749
You know those spiders
that kill and devour each other
267
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,117
right at climax?
268
00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:54,085
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
- It's like that...
269
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:56,588
Only with crying.
270
00:10:56,590 --> 00:10:58,990
Okay. Very good.
271
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,259
Wait.
What was the question?
272
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:02,794
Does not matter.
273
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,262
I am in the prime of my life.
274
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,264
I mean, why did I have
to fall in love
275
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:09,100
with a 50-year-old, twice-divorced
guy with anger issues?
276
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,269
I mean, what does that
say about me?
277
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,104
I know what it says.
278
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,106
It says I got to be out of my
mind to go through this again.
279
00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,941
I mean,
what's wrong with me?
280
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,109
Um...
281
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,779
It's almost like my dick...
282
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,614
is a broken detector.
283
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:26,117
That's a good one.
- I know, right?
284
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,119
That was a good one.
- Well, it's true.
285
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:31,956
Look, Marc, the -- the thing we
all have to accept as couples
286
00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:34,125
is that every couple
has growing pains.
287
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,794
Nobody's broken here.
288
00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:38,830
Uh, it's just that you each have
your own issues, you know?
289
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,799
And -- and the --
the question is
290
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,634
how you deal
with those issues.
291
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:44,302
Now, Delphine and I --
you know, we excel
292
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,971
not because of these diplomas
on the wall,
293
00:11:46,973 --> 00:11:49,641
but because we've had the exact
same issues that you have.
294
00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:51,810
Does your chick have three bathroom
drawers full of nail polish?
295
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,812
No.
296
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:56,314
She does have four drawers full
of blow dryers, though.
297
00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,316
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
- Huh? Come on. I know.
298
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,151
Is that a high-five, or was
that -- that's a high-five.
299
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:02,087
Yeah. - All right.
It's hard to tell midway through.
300
00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:06,658
Did you notice
he was wearing socks
301
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:08,693
that matched her skirt
the other day?
302
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:11,329
I know. It's like,
"We get it. You're perfect."
303
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,031
You know, when I was walking
to the bathroom,
304
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:16,000
they had not one,
but two entire bookshelves
305
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:18,002
full of
tantric-sex books.
306
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:19,671
No.
- Yeah, they probably, like,
307
00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:22,006
stare each other in the eyes
when they come.
308
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:24,876
Oh, God. I don't even want to
picture them doing that.
309
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:28,046
I-I bet you that she, like,
makes him clean the oven
310
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:30,048
and probably, like --
311
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:32,917
like, puts, like, a --
like, a strap-on on,
312
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,853
you know, and just stands
behind him going,
313
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,254
"You want this?
You want this?"
314
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,856
But he can't do anything
315
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,357
'cause it's like
a dirty-diaper-scenario thing.
316
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,860
So he's just like,
"I don't know if I want it.
317
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,194
I don't know."
318
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,230
You haven't thought
about this at all.
319
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,699
No, not at all.
I haven't thought about it.
320
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,367
Oh, God.
- All right.
321
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:52,771
So, this is amazing.
Dinner -- dinner's almost done,
322
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,372
and no fights.
323
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:57,275
Maybe therapy's,
uh, panning out.
324
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,277
You know...
- What?
325
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,879
...You're not so far away
326
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:03,214
from a dirty-diaper scenario
yourself, mister.
327
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,283
Does that mean you're gonna
put a strap-on on and --
328
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,051
That's weird.
- Is that what you want?
329
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,853
No, no, I don't even know
why I said that.
330
00:13:10,089 --> 00:13:14,392
So, look, uh, we're sorry we're
gonna miss next week's session,
331
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:17,395
but we're gonna be
riding sea turtles in Kauai.
332
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,063
Oh!
- Yeah.
333
00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:21,232
And also, uh,
I'm pretty happy to report
334
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:24,269
that I think we've been making
some progress since last week.
335
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:26,271
Huh. Well, before we get
too optimistic,
336
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:28,907
um, I think we should get
specific about the issues.
337
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:30,308
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Like, um --
338
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,410
like, what's holding Marc back?
- Yeah.
339
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,412
One of the things
that's holding Marc back
340
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,781
is being spoken about
like he's not in the room.
341
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:37,949
Fair enough.
- Oops.
342
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,751
Fair enough.
343
00:13:39,753 --> 00:13:41,419
No, no.
- Little hostile, okay.
344
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,087
Marc, you say that
you want to move forward,
345
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:46,291
but you still refer
to Jen as broken.
346
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:48,159
Let's talk about that.
347
00:13:50,262 --> 00:13:52,130
I didn't say that.
348
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,432
I'm sorry. I was under
the impression that you --
349
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,267
you said your penis was, uh,
350
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:59,170
some sort of detection device
for broken women.
351
00:14:00,105 --> 00:14:03,041
I'm broken?
You think that I'm broken?
352
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:05,777
No, no, I -- no.
353
00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:07,111
I don't -- I don't think
you're broken.
354
00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:08,446
I think we all have issues.
355
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,248
Well, that's not what you said.
356
00:14:12,318 --> 00:14:15,119
Uh, I think there's
been some confusion here.
357
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:16,554
Um...
358
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,358
Warren, can we talk
privately for a second?
359
00:14:21,293 --> 00:14:23,995
You know, I think we're better
off talking all this --
360
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:26,130
I think now is what
I'm talking about!
361
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,266
Sure, yeah, me too. Okay.
Right in here, right in here.
362
00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:34,973
What the hell, man?!
You sold me out!
363
00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:37,008
Come on, keep your voice down.
Keep your voice down.
364
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:39,310
It was a joke, for Christ's
sake! You knew that!
365
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,312
I mean, did you tell her
about the Jon Hamm dream, too?
366
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,214
No, no, no, Marc, look.
It's like all therapists --
367
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,149
we consult with each other
on a professional level.
368
00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:47,485
Oh, is that what you call it?
"Consulting"?
369
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:50,488
Well, that's weird, because it sounds a lot like
gossiping to me. - Marc, come on.
370
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:54,192
What, you're gonna stand there and bullshit
me to my face? You didn't need to repeat that.
371
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:58,563
So, are you excited
about Hawaii?
372
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,500
One night, I was trying to fill
373
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,335
the silence and the void
with her, you know, by --
374
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,004
by just kind of being
entertaining,
375
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,338
and it slipped out.
376
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,173
I didn't even think
she heard me, you know?
377
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:11,042
I mean, she's so busy I.M.ing
with old flames on Facebook,
378
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,977
I didn't think it registered.
379
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:18,182
All right, man. All right.
Okay. Okay. Cool.
380
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:20,385
Okay. Hey, look, the -- the
most important thing is
381
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,553
we just don't derail
the progress we've been making
382
00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,355
by going out there
and harping on this
383
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,190
in front of Delphine, right?
- Yeah.
384
00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:28,192
I just think it'd be best
for everyone,
385
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:31,062
when we get out there, you just
dropped it, you know what I mean?
386
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,363
I-I-if you bring it up,
387
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:33,932
it's gonna be worse
for all of us.
388
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,934
All right, okay.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
389
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:38,202
Okay? Cool? - Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
Yeah, I'm cool, I'm cool.
390
00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:39,537
Okay. Good.
All right.
391
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,439
Thanks, pal.
Thanks.
392
00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:44,275
Oh! Here we go.
393
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,277
Hey. Hello.
- Hello, hello.
394
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,546
All right? You know what?
Here's what we'll do.
395
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:50,548
Let's go over a few skills that
the two of you can practice
396
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:53,217
between your limbos and luaus.
397
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:55,286
Oh, great idea because,
of course, vacation
398
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:58,122
is such a great time to start
new, better habits, right?
399
00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,590
Yeah, it is.
Mm-hmm.
400
00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:03,061
Marc, instead of focusing
on Jen's shortcomings,
401
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,563
I want you to focus on being the
best partner that you can be.
402
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,066
Great idea.
- All right? So then, if a conflict --
403
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:09,600
Everyone in this room is a liar.
404
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:12,070
Excuse me?
- Here we go.
405
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:13,905
Look, I know you two
are having personal issues,
406
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:15,606
but how about attempting
a little professionalism?
407
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,575
What is he --
- No, you know what?
408
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:19,978
I-I think we're just about out of
time, so we can -- but what --
409
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,980
You think just because you
color-coordinate your outfits
410
00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:24,983
that you can judge us?
- Marc, what the hell are you doing?
411
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:27,118
They're no better off than us.
They're worse than us.
412
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,287
He's terrified of her, and she's
trolling for dick on Facebook.
413
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:32,090
Oh, boy.
- What are you --
414
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,592
please tell me you were
not discussing our marriage.
415
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,327
with a client?!
Jesus Christ.
416
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,929
Yeah, how does
that feel, Warren,
417
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:39,263
to be someone else's
gossip fodder?
418
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:40,932
Look, I barely said anything.
419
00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:43,434
You are jeopardizing
our entire practice right now.
420
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,504
Oh, wait, I'm acting unprofessionally?
Is that what's going on?
421
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,639
Because I hear you flirting
with your Friday at 4:00
422
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,609
through the wall, and it sounds
like you're on a goddamn date!
423
00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:54,112
Oh, my God. How do you know
what goes on in my sessions?
424
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:57,115
A-are you eavesdropping?
- Gee, I don't think I'm deaf,
425
00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,950
because I certainly can't not
hear you laughing hysterically
426
00:16:58,952 --> 00:17:00,518
at everything he says!
427
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,286
Why don't you just
marry the guy?!
428
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:04,022
"Why don't you
just marry the guy?!"
429
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,324
Listen to yourself! Do you
know how effeminate you sound?
430
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,526
I -- I think this has been
a great session.
431
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,361
You've made
a lot of progress.
432
00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:15,466
What?
433
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,969
Screw this.
434
00:17:17,971 --> 00:17:19,670
Jen, come on.
435
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:21,472
Well, that's awesome.
- Thank you. Thank you.
436
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:23,474
Good luck with everything.
437
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,543
That's great. We got
birthday presents to buy.
438
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,212
We will talk to you after your
vacation! Have a good one!
439
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,984
I knew this double-therapy thing
was weird.
440
00:17:32,986 --> 00:17:34,252
They should pay us
for that session.
441
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:41,159
Hey, Jen.
Unlock the door.
442
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:42,493
Jen.
443
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,562
What's happening?
444
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,068
Come on!
445
00:17:56,508 --> 00:17:58,743
Hey, baby.
446
00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:03,648
I think I walked off
my entire childhood.
447
00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:08,052
It's a great idea angrily
leaving me without a ride.
448
00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:09,787
It's very cathartic.
449
00:18:10,722 --> 00:18:12,790
Hello?
450
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:24,435
So, uh --
so, did you cool down?
451
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:26,704
What, are you getting a head
start on the packing, or --
452
00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:29,040
Yes, I am packing.
453
00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:31,709
Uh, are we okay?
454
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:34,045
I mean, I-I think Hawaii's
gonna be, you know,
455
00:18:34,047 --> 00:18:36,047
more help to us
than therapy, actually.
456
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:37,215
I'm not going, Marc.
457
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:38,616
What are you
talking about?
458
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:42,053
Come on. I mean, therapy
was a disaster, but I think --
459
00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:44,555
No, it wasn't a disaster.
It was really helpful.
460
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,091
It made us both realize that
we don't want a future together.
461
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,293
That is not true for me.
I mean, you're projecting here.
462
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,429
I just wanted to wait
until we worked some stuff out.
463
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,731
No, you need to work
some stuff out.
464
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:56,234
I am fine.
I know exactly what I want.
465
00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:04,242
You're a child, and I'm not
gonna have a child with a child.
466
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,277
Come on, why can't we
talk about this?
467
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:09,413
This all goes away in Hawaii.
That's what Hawaii's for.
468
00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:11,415
Fine. Go to Hawaii.
Have a great time.
469
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:12,650
I'll be in Seattle.
470
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,085
Can't we talk about it?
471
00:19:14,087 --> 00:19:15,786
What's there
to talk about, Marc?
472
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,456
It's an all-paid vacation.
It's an all-inclusive resort.
473
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:21,325
I mean, I can't go down there
alone with all those buffets.
474
00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:24,328
What do you want from me? What, do you
want me to put a baby in you right now?
475
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,496
Is that what you want?
476
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,498
Yes, Marc!
Put a baby in me, okay?!
477
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,767
Come on! Right now!
Let's go! Let's do it!
478
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,269
Come on. Is this sexy?
479
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,171
Put a baby in me!
480
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:42,246
Exactly.
481
00:20:17,816 --> 00:20:23,154
Look, I'm not what anyone would
call the easiest fellow, okay?
482
00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:24,689
And as some of you can tell
from my voice,
483
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,824
there is some shit
going down with me.
484
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,826
I don't want to get
into specifics,
485
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:32,830
but my relationship is, uh --
is over.
486
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,166
And I feel horrible.
487
00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:36,667
And the saddest part about it
488
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,836
is that we both
still love each other.
489
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,538
We just couldn't make it work.
490
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:44,342
We -- we -- we --
we tried everything,
491
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:47,678
and we just couldn't
make it work.
492
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,747
I mean,
it's nobody's fault.
493
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,216
You know,
it takes two to toxic,
494
00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,719
so we had to end it.
495
00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:56,854
And I miss her.
496
00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:58,356
And I feel like, you know,
497
00:20:58,358 --> 00:20:59,890
not only is -- is part
of my life missing,
498
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:03,694
but part of my brain is missing,
part of my heart is missing.
499
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:06,430
I mean, I haven't felt this sad
and alone in --
500
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:09,267
I-I mean, I don't --
I don't know how long.
501
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:11,202
I-I just don't know
502
00:21:11,204 --> 00:21:13,904
if I'm ever gonna get
this relationship thing right.
503
00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:16,407
I mean,
how much time do I have left?
504
00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:19,377
I mean, that's cynical,
but, I mean, seriously.
505
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:21,946
I mean, it'll --
it'll get better, right?
506
00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:25,683
Right?
507
00:21:34,893 --> 00:21:38,929
Hey, look, if you're in the
market for, uh, condoms, lube,
508
00:21:38,931 --> 00:21:40,798
or things that go buzz
and hum in the night,
509
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,400
I have got a deal for you.
510
00:21:42,402 --> 00:21:45,236
My sponsor will
deliver you erotica,
511
00:21:45,238 --> 00:21:47,571
sex toys,
discreetly packaged --
512
00:21:47,573 --> 00:21:50,474
I can't do this now.
513
00:21:51,943 --> 00:21:54,011
Damn.
39827
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