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1
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:34,074
I don't know, Nick.
You're the accountant.
2
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,515
� These books...
� Yeah, I know.
3
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,318
� Hello?
� I'm not sure.
4
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,472
Hello, there! Excuse me!
5
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,915
I just wonder if... Hel...
6
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,719
It'll be different this time.
Honestly.
7
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,950
The accounts are in order.
8
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:52,590
OK. I'll see you in an hour. OK. Bye.
9
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,990
� Now...
� Those books, how much?
10
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,390
� Hm?
� The leather�bound books.
11
00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,199
The Collected Works
of Charles Dickens.
12
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:03,750
� They're real leather?
� They're real Dickens.
13
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:07,720
I have to know because
they have to go with a sofa.
14
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:11,555
Everything else in my house is real.
I'lL give you 200.
15
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,359
� 200 what?
� �200.
16
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,875
Are they leather�bound pounds?
17
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,430
� No.
� They won't go with my wallet.
18
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:22,193
Next!
19
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,718
� Hello!
� Hello.
20
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,838
I need The Little Book of Calm,
do you have it?
21
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,799
I'm late for work. Uh, Calm...
22
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,996
Er, is this it?
23
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,549
No, no, it's just...
Too big, too big.
24
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,313
Little... just little...
25
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,438
� This one, this?
� No! No, calm.
26
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,955
� The Little Book of Calm.
� Er, this?
27
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,713
That's the one! Yes!
28
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,677
� Two�fifty.
� Two�fifty...
29
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:53,354
� Could...
� I'll just get you a bag.
30
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,636
No, no � no bag, just the book!
31
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:58,712
� I'll do you a receipt.
� No, that's fine!
32
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:03,670
It's broken. I'll write one.
Little...
33
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,435
I'll do it!
Calm, two�fifty. Thank you.
34
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,273
(Muttering frantically)
35
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,791
"Let�let�let go once in a while,
36
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:19,157
"you are a loose lily
floating down an amber river.�
37
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,113
(Sighs)
38
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,316
Sorry. I hate my job.
39
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,197
What a strange man.
40
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,632
Right, the shop is closed!
Everybody get out!
41
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:40,509
� Time to go home! Come on!
� It's only quarter to three.
42
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,558
Yes, but it's my shop!
Come on, go home! Bye�bye!
43
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:47,190
� It's hardly fair.
� It's not fair at all. Get out!
44
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,875
� I expect better service...
� Expect away. Bye�bye!
45
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:54,874
Come on, you time�wasting bastards!
Back on the streets!
46
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:58,919
Goodbye! Thank you! Bye�bye�bye!
Back to reality. Thank you!
47
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,835
(Mechanical knocking)
48
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,434
� Bernard, do you want this?
� What is it?
49
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,636
� It's a thing.
� Is it?
50
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,314
� Yes.
� What does it do?
51
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,199
� It's very in.
� You don't know, do you?
52
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,430
It's very now.
53
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,797
Will you mind the shop?
I have to see my accountant.
54
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,953
Will you get an assistant
so I don't have to keep doing this?
55
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:42,193
OK, but you have to do the same
for me the day after tomorrow.
56
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,918
OK. Why?
57
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,877
- You know Julie?
- Yeah.
58
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,236
They're inducing the baby and...
59
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:50,755
she's asked me to be birth partner.
60
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,194
Ugh.
61
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,432
There'll be a lot
of blood and shouting and...
62
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,636
No, I'll just get drunk.
63
00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:01,600
In fact, she'll be on drugs,
I'll be drunk...
64
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,910
it'll be just like the old days.
65
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,594
OK, have a nice time. Bye.
66
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,752
Hello?
67
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:20,195
I do sell a lot of wank, don't 17
68
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,314
So, show me your new filing system,
Bernard.
69
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,232
This is March...
70
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:32,109
..to, er...Oobely�boo.
71
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,475
This is...Misc...
72
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:40,191
And�and�and the rest are,
er...Other.
73
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,432
Other what?
Other backdated weeks, is it?
74
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:46,512
No. Other...
75
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:47,999
times.
76
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:51,550
So it goes This Week,
Very Recent, and...
77
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,199
All Other Times.
78
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:57,274
Help me out here, Bernard,
what does All Other Times cover?
79
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,556
I don't know, Nick! I'm not...
80
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,638
Wonder Woman.
81
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:07,078
This new system is closely modelled
on the old system, isn't it?
82
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:13,229
I'd go further than that.
I'd say it was exactly the same.
83
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:14,674
Except...
84
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,552
No, it's the same.
85
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,519
I just sort of lied
on the phone, Nick. I lied.
86
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,034
Well...
87
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:25,476
� (Did you hear that?)
� What? What?
88
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,200
Oh, nothing. You're lucky I'm so...
89
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,158
accommodating.
Other accountants might...
90
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,560
(Phone)
91
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,192
Hello? Yes, Jane. Oh, right.
92
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,311
OK, yeah, mm�hm.
93
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,357
(Whirring)
94
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,432
� I've just got to pop off.
� What, now?
95
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,830
Yeah, see you soon, all right? Bye.
96
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,470
He's always one step ahead!
The cat has left the basket.
97
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,710
The cat has left the basket!
98
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,677
(Sirens)
99
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,713
Mmm. Yeah, it's flying.
I'm right on it.
100
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:17,395
It'll be in the pipe soon.
The best thing is if I...
101
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,513
You...
102
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,833
Manny... What's that you're eating?
Soup?
103
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,991
Yes.
104
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,034
It's extra�chunky.
105
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,033
� What's in it?!
� Chunks.
106
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,151
Should I be doing something?
107
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:45,790
I have the Gleason accounts �
I would've e�mailed them
108
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:50,556
but I had a...a lot of clink on...
the stuffer...expander,
109
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:54,190
and, er...plug went in some Tizer.
110
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,954
Look, just shape up
or ship out, all right?
111
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,996
(Phone)
112
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,796
Eh? Hi, yih.
113
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,712
Yuh.
114
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:22,953
(Muffled)
Yeah, I'm chasing up the, er...
115
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,997
..the company account.
116
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,997
"Visualise the ocean.�
117
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:44,357
(Yelling)
118
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,957
Oh, a calm ocean, right.
119
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,869
Right, we've got to get
Friday's invoices in.
120
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,315
OK, yeah. Here I come.
121
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,475
� (Choking)
� What is it?
122
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,473
(Choking)
It's my Little Book of Calm...
123
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,313
I've swallowed
my Little Book of Calm!
124
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,676
(Siren wailing)
125
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:18,275
Is it some kind of bald Furby?
126
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:24,111
Bernard! Early closing? How'd it go?
127
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:28,956
Nick the accountant...
Nick the accountant...is a fugitive!
128
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,035
� I'm not doing my accounts!
� Why?
129
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,952
You can stick it up your arse!
130
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:42,477
Bernard, you'll have
to do them yourself. It's easy.
131
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:44,710
Yeah, give it...give it a go.
132
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,314
I'm sure I could muddle along.
133
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,755
WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
134
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,998
THE WHAT?!
135
00:08:55,080 --> 00:09:00,109
"If you live in a council flat
beside a river but are not blind...�
136
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,554
WHAT?!
137
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,995
"What is your mother's maiden name?�
138
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,037
What's her first name?!
139
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,317
I just knew her as Ma!
Ma � that'll have to do.
140
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:10,834
Ma.
141
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,030
Possibly deceased.
142
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:19,557
"Did your non�returnable outgoings
for the first half of the year
143
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:23,190
"exceed your deductions
for quarterly VAT returns?�
144
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,555
Right, that's all my socks paired.
145
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,438
Back to the accounts.
146
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:34,272
OK.
147
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:39,315
"Did your non�returnable outgoings
for the first half of the year
148
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:43,678
"exceed your deductions
for quarterly VAT returns?�
149
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,349
Hello, Ma? It's Bernard.
150
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,192
No, nothing's wrong.
151
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:57,511
I don't need an excuse
to call my mother, do 1?
152
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,956
I know, I am, yeah. I know.
153
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,997
Yes. Yes. I will.
154
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,071
I know. Ha. Yes.
155
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,958
Yes! I know.
156
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,634
Yeah. OK.
Goodbye, I have to do my tax!
157
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,119
"Did your
non-returnable outgoings...�
158
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,555
� (Knock at door)
� Thank Christ!
159
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,074
Yes?
160
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,390
Could we talk to you about Jesus?
161
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,391
Great! Come in!
162
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,513
� What?
� I'd love to hear about Jesus!
163
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,352
Come on in!
164
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:44,114
� Er, are you sure?
� Yes! In, in! Come in!
165
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,873
It's a trick!
166
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,430
It's just...generally
people don't say yes.
167
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:52,911
I'm not people �
come on in, let's talk beliefs!
168
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,671
Come in, come in. Grab a pew.
169
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,872
Right, let's go.
170
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:12,079
Well...to be honest
we've never actually...
171
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:14,390
thought this far ahead.
172
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,353
It's, uh, it's nice in here.
173
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,477
Indoors.
174
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:25,951
What's your favourite story
about, er...Our Lord?
175
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,116
Money lenders,
it has to be the money lenders.
176
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,909
� Chasing them out of the temple.
� It is knock�out stuff.
177
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,878
� And yourself?
� Well, it's all good.
178
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:45,794
I suppose when he rescued...
when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.
179
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,757
No, that's a story Jesus tells
180
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,480
about the Samaritan
who helps somebody else.
181
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:53,510
Really? Wow.
182
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:57,036
I like the one where he went
to dinner with the tax collector.
183
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:04,353
And do you have any literature
or...anything I could look at?
184
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:06,675
Oh, yes!
185
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,558
Those books and magazines!
186
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,517
(Both) Books and magazines!
187
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,112
(Beeping)
188
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:20,630
Ah, there you are.
Time for my results?
189
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,314
It's bad news, I'm afraid, Mr Bianco.
190
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,357
The Little Book of Calm
191
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,512
is lodged between
the small intestine and the pancreas.
192
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:32,753
If it rotates a centimetre left,
you'll be dead in seconds.
193
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,958
� Oh, my God...
� No, hold on a moment.
194
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,237
The other possibility,
and this is more likely,
195
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,551
is that the Little Book of Calm
will move into the renal canal.
196
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:46,031
If this happens, you could live
for anything up to...
197
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,191
ten years, one year, who knows?
198
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:52,319
Because of the massive scarring
caused by the book, however,
199
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:56,394
� you could be in great pain...
� Oh, my... Sorry.
200
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,596
� ..during that time
� Oh, my God!
201
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,876
� (Beeping)
� Sorry, I have to go.
202
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,837
We'll operate tomorrow.
203
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:06,072
There's a good chance
you'll survive � 30% I'd say �
204
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,197
so try not to worry.
205
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,317
As the book itself says...
206
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:14,633
um, "Whenever
you're in a tight spot,
207
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:18,918
"try to imagine being marooned
on a beautiful desert island.�
208
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,510
So he said that because
no one's without sin, right?
209
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,513
Yeah, that's what he...
But it was hidden.
210
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,513
So it's like God and Jesus
are the one thing?
211
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,750
Yes. Are you sure you won't stay?
212
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,593
No, really, we have to go,
it's very late.
213
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:38,478
OK, whatever.
214
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:41,712
� Call again though, yeah?
� Oh, yes, yes.
215
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,797
Yeah, yeah...
216
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,513
� Goodbye.
� Yeah, later.
217
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,831
Bernard?
Finished with your accounts?
218
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:09,676
Yeah. I've turned them
into a rather smart casual jacket.
219
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,632
Bernard!
220
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:20,476
I mean, it is a very nice jacket,
but what about your accounts?
221
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,676
I don't know! Will you do them?
222
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:28,153
Oh, you've got that wrong for
a start � you divide by ten there.
223
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,754
Oh � no, no, no,
I'm not doing this.
224
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:35,118
I have to give all my attention
to being Julie's birth partner.
225
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,318
Oh! Look, look!
There's something on the side!
226
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,630
15.99. Oh, no, I wrote that.
227
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,560
What am I gonna do?
Who's gonna help me?
228
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,519
(Doctor) Mr Bianco,
back with us at last.
229
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:50,194
There's been a...complication.
230
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:53,511
You see, we went in
to remove the book and, um...
231
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,150
Well, in medical terms, it's gone.
232
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,754
To put it another way,
it's not there.
233
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,911
I don't know how this happened.
234
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,231
The only explanation
is that you assimilated it
235
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,834
into your system,
which is impossible.
236
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,918
How do you feel?
237
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,594
Add a drop of lavender
to your bath,
238
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:20,071
and soon,
you will soak yourself calm.
239
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,753
I'm sorry?
240
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:26,630
If you want to feel calm,
eat more raw fruit and vegetables,
241
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,599
yoghurt, milk and seeds.
242
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,593
Er, maybe I should
let you get some rest.
243
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:36,355
When you rest, you are a king
surveying your estate.
244
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,512
Look at the woodland,
the peacocks on the lawn.
245
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:43,309
Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
246
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,916
Uh.... Yes.
247
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,116
� I've got it!
� I'm doing them!
248
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,909
I know what this is �
it's for giving up sugar.
249
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,310
Yeah, that's exactly what it's not.
250
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,755
No, that's absurd, isn't it?
251
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:01,799
What's this � blah blah
blah blah blah blah
252
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,554
yah yah blah blah...
"Exemption clause,
253
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:08,349
"person suffering from short
or long�term injury or sickness
254
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,397
"may defer their returns...�
255
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:16,158
Wait... "Person suffering from short
or long�term injury or sickness
256
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,197
"may defer their returns...�
257
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,078
(Laughs)
258
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:24,631
No, no, give it up, Bernard. You'd
have to really cripple yourself.
259
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:28,111
You're hardly gonna do that
just to avoid doing accounts.
260
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,440
� This is on special offer.
� Really?
261
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:38,830
Yes, it's free if you break my legs.
262
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,752
� Fair enough.
� Great!
263
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:46,232
� I'lL get the hobbling post.
� Wait, I've read this.
264
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,755
That's the problem with Wodehouse.
265
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,638
Yes, now break my legs.
266
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,950
But I've read it! No, I'm sorry.
267
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:59,119
What is this?! Have you any idea
what the hell this is?
268
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,556
(PA) "Would the birth partner
of Julie Williams
269
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:05,439
�please report to delivery room one."
270
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,477
(Choir) Gloria!
271
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,037
Gloria!
272
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,077
(Woman yelling)
273
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,431
Where's my birth partner?!
274
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:21,478
I can't do this
without my birth partner!
275
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,791
� Where is she?!
� Julie, we can't find her.
276
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,440
We've been calling her all day.
277
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:31,639
When you're feeling under pressure,
do something different.
278
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,917
Roll up your sleeves
or eat an orange.
279
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,031
Gloria!
280
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,951
Gloria!
281
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,997
(Dog barking)
282
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,390
(Car alarm bleeping)
283
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,397
(Alarm stops)
284
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,030
Is it some kind of fake breast?
285
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,997
You know, that dads wear?
286
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:19,075
� What are you talking about?
� You know, for babies.
287
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:20,719
Ba...
288
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,077
Babies. Oh, my God � Julie!
289
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:25,514
Oh!
290
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,075
Be on the lookout
for things that make you laugh.
291
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:34,915
If you see nothing worth laughing at,
pretend you see it, then laugh.
292
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,718
(Mutters)
293
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,076
(Man) Oi! Hairy!
294
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:46,912
What you lookin' at?
295
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,630
Have you ever noticed a calm
person with a loud voice?
296
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,677
Try and speak softly once in a while.
297
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:59,756
Add a dab of lavender to milk,
leave town with an orange
298
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,797
and pretend you're laughing at it.
299
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,150
Qi! You lot, you better clear off,
I have to do a few...
300
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,710
I have to... Oh! Skinheads! Perfect!
301
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,710
� Do you think you're funny?
� What happened?
302
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,360
Looking for another slap, are ya?
303
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:24,999
Another slap?
304
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,833
Which one of you bitches
wants to dance?
305
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:35,239
Hey, when you're doing the usual
sort of threesome of a weekend
306
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:38,551
and the moonlight's bouncing off
your heads and arses,
307
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,597
is that not confusing?
308
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,273
Right. Look, this is you, OK?
309
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:52,072
Tra�la�la la�la
la�la la�la...
310
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,831
Millwall, that's the one.
Do you know this chant?
311
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:02,231
Millwall, Millwall,
you're all really dreadful,
312
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:05,312
and your girlfriends
are unfulfilled and alienated.
313
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,719
( Choir)
314
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,952
Hmm?
315
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,119
Uhh?
316
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,396
(Whimpering)
317
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,196
(Slapping gently)
318
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,079
Are you in pain?
319
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,595
Not enough! Where have they gone?!
320
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,830
They got tired and went away.
321
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,150
Er, why...why did you do that?
322
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,232
That was so incredible,
the way you just...
323
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:49,711
kept letting them
punch you and... Thank you.
324
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,919
I'm injured, I don't have to do
my accounts. You're a witness.
325
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,958
� (Knock at door)
� I could do your accounts.
326
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,873
� What?
� I'm an accountant. I was.
327
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:03,840
� It's the least I could do.
� You mean you could do more?
328
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,355
� Yeah.
� Could I have a glass of wine?
329
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,717
- OK.
� And a ham sandwich?
330
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,235
� If you like.
� With pickle?
331
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,072
All right.
332
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:20,839
(Both yell)
333
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,596
Right, you get started on that
334
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,672
and I'll begin the...
business of the day.
335
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:35,718
Car won't start.
Cab number, cab number.
336
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,830
Got to get to Julie...
337
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,193
(Screams)
25072
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