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1
00:00:00,835 --> 00:00:03,420
[phone buzzing]
2
00:00:03,421 --> 00:00:05,130
- Hey, birthday skank!
3
00:00:05,131 --> 00:00:06,674
Where are you?
4
00:00:06,675 --> 00:00:08,050
- Ella, I'm not coming.
5
00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:09,510
I've moved, remember?
6
00:00:09,511 --> 00:00:11,428
And everyone here
high-key worships me,
7
00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:12,805
so you have to figure
my birthday's gonna be
8
00:00:12,806 --> 00:00:13,931
a huge holiday.
9
00:00:13,932 --> 00:00:15,474
- But if you're not here,
10
00:00:15,475 --> 00:00:18,018
who will take me to the
ER when I get really hurt?
11
00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:20,020
- Ella, I know every
year on my birthday,
12
00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:21,188
you get really hurt.
13
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:24,191
- Physically. I injure my body.
14
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,485
- I guess this year,
maybe try not get hurt?
15
00:00:26,486 --> 00:00:28,445
[gasps] Breakfast in bed?
16
00:00:28,446 --> 00:00:30,072
[laughs] No!
17
00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:32,950
Mae Mae, stop. For
me? For my birthday?
18
00:00:32,951 --> 00:00:34,660
Oh, don't! Oh, my God.
19
00:00:34,661 --> 00:00:36,787
Hmm.
- Your father will explain.
20
00:00:36,788 --> 00:00:39,415
- [gasps] My father?
21
00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:41,125
- Hi, Petey!
22
00:00:41,126 --> 00:00:42,835
It's your birthday.
23
00:00:42,836 --> 00:00:46,297
So happy birthday! [laughs]
24
00:00:46,298 --> 00:00:48,090
And if I know Mae Mae,
she left this tape
25
00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:49,550
and ran like hell.
26
00:00:49,551 --> 00:00:52,303
There's some bad news
you need to hear.
27
00:00:52,304 --> 00:00:53,887
- It's hard for me to
hear what you're saying
28
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:55,556
before you blow out the candles.
29
00:00:55,557 --> 00:00:56,932
- Don't worry about the candles.
30
00:00:56,933 --> 00:00:59,101
In New Utopia, they celebrate
31
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:00,644
the day you were born,
32
00:01:00,645 --> 00:01:02,313
but it's not about you.
33
00:01:02,314 --> 00:01:03,856
- Oh, no.
34
00:01:03,857 --> 00:01:05,691
- It's in honor of your mother
35
00:01:05,692 --> 00:01:08,068
and her journey to giving birth
36
00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:11,071
in a holiday we
call Crowning Day.
37
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,281
- Uh, what?
38
00:01:12,282 --> 00:01:13,699
- It's the result
39
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:17,077
of a long-forgotten
marital negotiation.
40
00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:20,247
There's a parade and an
all-day variety show.
41
00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:21,415
Your mother comes to town.
42
00:01:21,416 --> 00:01:23,042
- My mother comes to town?
43
00:01:23,043 --> 00:01:26,211
- She sings, tells stories,
a real triple threat.
44
00:01:26,212 --> 00:01:28,088
Wait, that's... that's two.
45
00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:30,174
- Just blow out
the candles, Dad.
46
00:01:30,175 --> 00:01:32,009
- Oh, she tells jokes
at your expense.
47
00:01:32,010 --> 00:01:34,011
That's the third. [chuckles]
48
00:01:34,012 --> 00:01:38,515
She really roasts you,
but the crowd eats it up.
49
00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:40,100
- No!
50
00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:43,103
- Happy Crowning Day, kid.
51
00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:44,521
Cake is ruined.
52
00:01:44,522 --> 00:01:45,898
- Crowning Day?
53
00:01:45,899 --> 00:01:48,984
[horns blowing]
54
00:01:48,985 --> 00:01:50,194
Hmm.
55
00:01:50,195 --> 00:01:52,988
[upbeat music]
56
00:01:52,989 --> 00:01:56,367
? ?
57
00:01:56,368 --> 00:01:58,202
[quirky folk music]
58
00:01:58,203 --> 00:02:01,246
[crowd cheering]
59
00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:04,708
? ?
60
00:02:04,709 --> 00:02:06,086
[goat bleats]
61
00:02:07,462 --> 00:02:08,629
[goat screams]
62
00:02:08,630 --> 00:02:11,507
- So, Mae Mae, Crowning Day.
63
00:02:11,508 --> 00:02:12,966
[laughs] Little curve ball.
64
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:15,886
Did not realize my
birthday would be a holiday
65
00:02:15,887 --> 00:02:18,305
that's not about me, but
I can hang with that.
66
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:19,640
I'm a grown-up.
67
00:02:19,641 --> 00:02:22,810
Don't need to be like,
"Wah, my birthday!"
68
00:02:22,811 --> 00:02:26,480
That's... that's for being
in your early-mid-20s.
69
00:02:26,481 --> 00:02:28,399
We can just do a
small grown-up thing
70
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,567
and be happy with that
because there's nothing sadder
71
00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:32,611
than being sad on your birthday.
72
00:02:32,612 --> 00:02:36,448
The good news is, my mom is
coming to town, which is good.
73
00:02:36,449 --> 00:02:38,367
So we can do dinner,
which is great.
74
00:02:38,368 --> 00:02:40,911
And maybe you could give me
one of your incredible hugs.
75
00:02:40,912 --> 00:02:42,579
It'll be perfect.
It'll be perfect!
76
00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:45,207
Right, Mae Mae?
77
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:48,127
Oh, wow, I talked to
a mop for a long time.
78
00:02:48,128 --> 00:02:50,754
- [laughs] I saw
the whole thing!
79
00:02:50,755 --> 00:02:52,673
[laughs]
80
00:02:52,674 --> 00:02:55,634
[upbeat rock music]
81
00:02:55,635 --> 00:02:57,928
- Last call for pregame alcohol.
82
00:02:57,929 --> 00:02:59,680
Relax your throat.
83
00:02:59,681 --> 00:03:01,724
- Wow. Big day, huh?
84
00:03:01,725 --> 00:03:03,434
- Yeah, Crowning Day.
It's a huge holiday.
85
00:03:03,435 --> 00:03:04,685
People love it.
86
00:03:04,686 --> 00:03:06,729
- Which also means it's
someone's birthday.
87
00:03:06,730 --> 00:03:07,771
- Oh, it's not my birthday.
88
00:03:07,772 --> 00:03:09,690
- No, it's my birthday.
89
00:03:09,691 --> 00:03:11,316
- Oh, yeah.
90
00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:12,985
You were the baby's head.
91
00:03:12,986 --> 00:03:14,945
Wow. I never put that together.
92
00:03:14,946 --> 00:03:16,822
That's wild. Good for you.
93
00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:18,866
Happy Crowning Day.
- Thanks.
94
00:03:18,867 --> 00:03:21,118
So I just learned my
mom will be in town,
95
00:03:21,119 --> 00:03:22,870
and you're obviously my
bestie, so I was thinking,
96
00:03:22,871 --> 00:03:24,621
after Crowning Day
whatever wraps up,
97
00:03:24,622 --> 00:03:26,457
that the three of us should
have birthday dinner.
98
00:03:26,458 --> 00:03:28,542
- You want to spend your
birthday with your mom?
99
00:03:28,543 --> 00:03:31,837
- Eliza, this is grown-up
birthday, city style.
100
00:03:31,838 --> 00:03:33,422
When your mom's in
town, you go to dinner.
101
00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:34,882
You bring your
friends. Mom pays.
102
00:03:34,883 --> 00:03:37,342
It's like... it's so
standard, it's crazy.
103
00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:39,261
- If you say so.
104
00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:41,138
Anyway, thanks for the invite,
105
00:03:41,139 --> 00:03:43,307
but Crowning Day is
usually my whole day.
106
00:03:43,308 --> 00:03:44,392
I'm super busy.
107
00:03:46,728 --> 00:03:48,353
- Okay, bye.
108
00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:52,107
Happy Crowning Day, everyone.
109
00:03:52,108 --> 00:03:53,734
Hmm.
110
00:03:53,735 --> 00:03:55,819
[crowd cheering]
111
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,697
[gasps] My mom.
112
00:03:58,698 --> 00:04:00,574
- Hand in your signed
NDA on the right.
113
00:04:00,575 --> 00:04:03,368
Get your ticket for
today's show on the left.
114
00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:05,871
- And so I said, "Well, well...
115
00:04:05,872 --> 00:04:07,789
you don't deserve
the third well."
116
00:04:07,790 --> 00:04:09,625
[forced laughter]
117
00:04:09,626 --> 00:04:11,251
- Mom, it's me, Petey.
118
00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:13,795
- Petey, so good to see you.
119
00:04:13,796 --> 00:04:18,383
Come into my dressing room
and not out of my uterus.
120
00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:21,220
[forced laughter]
- [laughs nervously]
121
00:04:21,221 --> 00:04:23,263
Oh, I know today is
a huge day for you,
122
00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:24,973
but I wanted to see
if you're around
123
00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:28,101
to get dinner later
for my birthday.
124
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:29,561
- I'm glad you're
here, actually.
125
00:04:29,562 --> 00:04:32,397
- [laughs] Really?
You're glad I'm here?
126
00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:33,899
- I need you to sign this.
127
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:35,400
- A nondisclosure agreement?
128
00:04:35,401 --> 00:04:37,736
- Don't act like you
haven't seen one before.
129
00:04:37,737 --> 00:04:41,490
I need to create distance
between myself and New Utopia.
130
00:04:41,491 --> 00:04:44,701
You see, Petra,
I'm from this town
131
00:04:44,702 --> 00:04:46,370
before it was a cult.
132
00:04:46,371 --> 00:04:48,497
- [gasps] So we're not Prussian?
133
00:04:48,498 --> 00:04:50,541
- All right. Well,
it is your birthday.
134
00:04:50,542 --> 00:04:53,836
So as a gift, I suppose I can
give you a little backstory.
135
00:04:53,837 --> 00:04:56,255
My birth name was
Tammy Overalls.
136
00:04:56,256 --> 00:04:58,423
- Tammy Overalls.
You know her?
137
00:04:58,424 --> 00:05:00,801
- So I do know an Overalls.
138
00:05:00,802 --> 00:05:02,886
- I managed to climb
my way out of the swamp
139
00:05:02,887 --> 00:05:05,305
and reinvent myself
in Midtown Manhattan.
140
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,266
If the truth of my
roots ever came out,
141
00:05:07,267 --> 00:05:08,767
it would threaten
my current life,
142
00:05:08,768 --> 00:05:10,602
and I'd have to get my
hair done in Connecticut
143
00:05:10,603 --> 00:05:11,895
like Ruth Madoff.
144
00:05:11,896 --> 00:05:13,772
- [laughs weakly]
145
00:05:13,773 --> 00:05:16,149
- So instead, I come
to town every year
146
00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:18,235
to put on a
knock-your-socks-off,
147
00:05:18,236 --> 00:05:21,071
leave-it-all-on-the-stage
cabaret,
148
00:05:21,072 --> 00:05:23,657
in exchange for legally binding
agreements from everyone
149
00:05:23,658 --> 00:05:26,451
to never mention my
association with New Utopia.
150
00:05:26,452 --> 00:05:29,413
Is it also fun for me? Sure.
151
00:05:29,414 --> 00:05:32,332
And since you live here now,
I need one from you too.
152
00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:34,626
- So you want me to sign an NDA
153
00:05:34,627 --> 00:05:36,378
because you're
embarrassed of your past,
154
00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,338
but not because of me?
155
00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:41,216
That's the nicest
thing you've ever said.
156
00:05:41,217 --> 00:05:43,677
[hums]
157
00:05:43,678 --> 00:05:45,637
So how about that dinner?
158
00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,556
There's a really good
mashed potato place
159
00:05:47,557 --> 00:05:48,724
in Apple Bucket.
160
00:05:48,725 --> 00:05:50,058
- Oh, honey, I would love to.
161
00:05:50,059 --> 00:05:51,560
[scoffs] But I don't want to.
162
00:05:51,561 --> 00:05:52,936
Every year, I get out of dodge
163
00:05:52,937 --> 00:05:54,354
when the last one
of these is signed.
164
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,939
- [whimpers]
165
00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:57,399
- If you don't like
it, you shouldn't have
166
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,234
been born on Crowning Day.
167
00:05:59,235 --> 00:06:00,277
Is that anything?
168
00:06:00,278 --> 00:06:01,571
[forced laughter]
169
00:06:03,489 --> 00:06:06,158
- Hey. Figured I'd
catch the show.
170
00:06:06,159 --> 00:06:07,910
[chuckles] Should
we sit together?
171
00:06:07,911 --> 00:06:08,911
- Let me see your ticket.
172
00:06:08,912 --> 00:06:10,078
Oh, your seat is so bad.
173
00:06:10,079 --> 00:06:11,663
No, I'm good. Bye.
174
00:06:11,664 --> 00:06:13,498
- [scoffs] Mae Mae!
175
00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:15,542
We sit together? You
give me birthday hug?
176
00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:16,919
- [hisses]
177
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,420
- Kay.
178
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,213
Well, this is just getting
weirder and weirder.
179
00:06:20,214 --> 00:06:21,882
[cheers and applause]
180
00:06:21,883 --> 00:06:24,301
- Oh, mama!
181
00:06:24,302 --> 00:06:25,469
[brassy music]
182
00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:27,596
Thank you very much.
183
00:06:27,597 --> 00:06:28,258
? ?
184
00:06:32,977 --> 00:06:34,227
They say motherhood is a gift.
185
00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:35,354
Well, I'll tell
you what motherhood
186
00:06:35,355 --> 00:06:36,563
and gifts have in common...
187
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:39,566
A box getting ripped apart.
188
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,652
[laughter]
189
00:06:41,653 --> 00:06:45,530
[cheering and applause]
190
00:06:45,531 --> 00:06:47,532
It took nine months
to create my daughter,
191
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:48,825
yet looking at her,
192
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,410
you'd think it
took five minutes.
193
00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:53,288
[laughter]
194
00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:55,499
- I don't think they realize
she's talking about me.
195
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,209
They're not making
the connection.
196
00:06:57,210 --> 00:06:59,586
- Petey's like a work of
art: I spent millions on her,
197
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,004
she serves no purpose,
198
00:07:01,005 --> 00:07:02,589
and Jerry Saltz of
"New York Magazine"
199
00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,800
described her as a
tacky piece of shit.
200
00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:06,551
[laughter]
- [gasps] What?
201
00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,136
Nope. Nope.
202
00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,596
No, no, no.
203
00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,182
No, no, no, no, no! No.
204
00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,559
[exhales] Okay.
205
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,229
My mom's roast jokes hurt
worse than I was prepared for,
206
00:07:17,230 --> 00:07:19,356
and no one would even
sit with me during it.
207
00:07:19,357 --> 00:07:22,567
So my mom and bestie dinner
is clearly not happening.
208
00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:24,820
My only option I have left
for a grown and sexy birthday
209
00:07:24,821 --> 00:07:27,114
is to find some
rando to bang me out.
210
00:07:27,115 --> 00:07:29,032
- Oh.
- [gasps]
211
00:07:29,033 --> 00:07:30,075
- Mmm.
212
00:07:30,076 --> 00:07:32,869
- [purrs] That'll do.
213
00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:35,706
- Well, if it's not the apple
rolling away from the tree.
214
00:07:35,707 --> 00:07:37,958
What's the matter? Can't
share the spotlight?
215
00:07:37,959 --> 00:07:39,835
- I don't need a spotlight,
I don't need a hug,
216
00:07:39,836 --> 00:07:41,545
and I don't need my mom.
217
00:07:41,546 --> 00:07:43,547
- What do you need, princess?
218
00:07:43,548 --> 00:07:46,591
- I need to get banged out.
219
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,093
Like, now.
220
00:07:48,094 --> 00:07:49,469
[doorbell rings] [gasps] Ugh!
221
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:51,263
- Did I hear someone
needs to get banged out?
222
00:07:51,264 --> 00:07:54,182
[laughs] Hi, Petey. I'm Polly.
223
00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:55,892
Bandit's random girlfriend.
224
00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:58,019
So excited to meet you.
225
00:07:58,020 --> 00:07:59,062
Get in, loser.
226
00:07:59,063 --> 00:08:00,857
We're going guy shopping.
227
00:08:04,819 --> 00:08:06,820
- So just to be
clear, I wasn't saying
228
00:08:06,821 --> 00:08:08,363
I wanted to get
banged out by you.
229
00:08:08,364 --> 00:08:10,699
Ugh. [laughs] Just,
like, in general.
230
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:13,076
And, um, since when do
you have a girlfriend?
231
00:08:13,077 --> 00:08:14,870
- Since recently.
232
00:08:14,871 --> 00:08:17,080
We've been dating together,
because I like her.
233
00:08:17,081 --> 00:08:19,291
- Cool. Right. Congrats.
234
00:08:19,292 --> 00:08:21,251
- Guys, we're going in.
235
00:08:21,252 --> 00:08:23,837
Petey, are you so stoked?
236
00:08:23,838 --> 00:08:25,046
Get stoked.
237
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:27,007
[rock music]
- [gasps]
238
00:08:27,008 --> 00:08:28,842
Yum. [engine revving]
239
00:08:28,843 --> 00:08:30,135
[wolf howling] [woman moaning]
240
00:08:30,136 --> 00:08:32,012
[gun cocking]
[explosion booms]
241
00:08:32,013 --> 00:08:34,639
Polly, what is this place?
242
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,017
- This is the hunky bar
on the outskirts of town.
243
00:08:37,018 --> 00:08:38,685
It's where all the
square-jawed hotties
244
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,687
got banished to when
your dad got paranoid
245
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:42,773
about not being the
hottest man around.
246
00:08:42,774 --> 00:08:44,107
- [giggling]
- Not all the hotties.
247
00:08:44,108 --> 00:08:45,942
Just the early bloomers.
248
00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:48,403
- So you're really all right
helping me out with this?
249
00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:50,614
- Why not? We're buddies.
250
00:08:50,615 --> 00:08:53,742
Fine friends.
251
00:08:53,743 --> 00:08:56,536
- Just try to have a bad
birthday in this place.
252
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,789
I've already put together
some great options...
253
00:08:58,790 --> 00:09:01,041
Really sketchy guys,
up for anything.
254
00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:02,459
So scary. [laughs]
255
00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:04,544
- Time to make some mistakes.
256
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,046
[laughter]
- Come on, girl.
257
00:09:06,047 --> 00:09:07,297
[dramatic piano music]
258
00:09:07,298 --> 00:09:09,800
- So I picked myself
up off the floor,
259
00:09:09,801 --> 00:09:11,551
and I said to myself,
260
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:16,681
"You may have ruined my body
and my life and my spirit,
261
00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:19,893
but you will never
take my... ? Voice! ?
262
00:09:19,894 --> 00:09:22,354
[cheers and applause]
263
00:09:22,355 --> 00:09:24,106
A one, a two,
264
00:09:24,107 --> 00:09:26,233
a one, two, three, four.
265
00:09:26,234 --> 00:09:28,568
[grand music]
266
00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:30,612
Seven, eight!
267
00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:32,781
[cheers and applause]
268
00:09:32,782 --> 00:09:34,616
- [growls]
269
00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:36,535
[indistinct chatter]
270
00:09:36,536 --> 00:09:38,370
- Oof, I don't even
know where to start.
271
00:09:38,371 --> 00:09:40,372
Gosh, it's been so long
272
00:09:40,373 --> 00:09:42,624
since I've been around
a really hot guy.
273
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,459
- [scoffs] You ain't
gonna make me jealous.
274
00:09:44,460 --> 00:09:46,128
- She's not trying to, silly.
275
00:09:46,129 --> 00:09:47,504
You don't have to do anything.
276
00:09:47,505 --> 00:09:49,005
I'm the "pear-fect" wingwoman.
277
00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:50,590
- "Or, my gourd."
278
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,051
I used to be the same way
when I lived in the city.
279
00:09:53,052 --> 00:09:56,012
- She's nothing like you.
You're two different people.
280
00:09:56,013 --> 00:09:58,765
[whispering] I promised myself
I wouldn't act crazy tonight.
281
00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:01,226
- Hmm? What?
- Nothing.
282
00:10:01,227 --> 00:10:03,395
- Relax, Petey. I'm a pro.
283
00:10:03,396 --> 00:10:05,605
Because I make men
feel funny and smart,
284
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,732
which gives them confidence
to approach girls
285
00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:08,900
out of their league.
286
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:10,110
Watch.
287
00:10:10,111 --> 00:10:12,904
[upbeat music]
288
00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:14,406
- Hey, you dropped this.
289
00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:16,783
- Oh, my God. I'm
such a stupid klutz.
290
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:18,827
- [laughs] No, you're not.
291
00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:21,204
- I'm barely strong
enough to hold a purse.
292
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:23,123
- Oh, well, I'm strong
enough to hold a purse.
293
00:10:23,124 --> 00:10:24,416
- Wow.
294
00:10:24,417 --> 00:10:25,584
Have you met my
hot friend Petey?
295
00:10:25,585 --> 00:10:26,960
She is the coolest.
296
00:10:26,961 --> 00:10:29,504
Today's her birthday,
and she's thirsty.
297
00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:34,426
[both laugh nervously]
298
00:10:34,427 --> 00:10:37,679
- I noticed the bottoms
of your jeans are cramped.
299
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,264
Been under house arrest lately?
300
00:10:39,265 --> 00:10:40,557
- What... what are
you talking about?
301
00:10:40,558 --> 00:10:42,517
No, they're just too long.
302
00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:45,061
- How about we call your
parole officer and find out?
303
00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:47,272
- [stammering] Shut up.
304
00:10:47,273 --> 00:10:49,691
- Bandy, what's your problem?
305
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:52,068
- I know an ankle monitor
indent when I see one.
306
00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:53,528
That man was not safe!
307
00:10:53,529 --> 00:10:56,114
- Babe, you're being
so aggro and defensive
308
00:10:56,115 --> 00:10:57,532
of your hot platonic friend.
309
00:10:57,533 --> 00:10:58,909
Don't worry, Petey.
310
00:10:58,910 --> 00:11:01,328
This wingwoman has more
tricks up her sleeve.
311
00:11:01,329 --> 00:11:02,579
- ? Get it ?
312
00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:05,123
? ?
313
00:11:05,124 --> 00:11:08,752
- Your hair is like
the finest bale of hay
314
00:11:08,753 --> 00:11:10,128
on a summer morning.
315
00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:11,129
- [giggles]
- [growls]
316
00:11:11,130 --> 00:11:12,298
- [scoffs]
317
00:11:14,467 --> 00:11:17,552
- My childhood? Uh, not good.
318
00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:20,430
- Mine wasn't either.
319
00:11:20,431 --> 00:11:21,598
- [grunts]
- Oh!
320
00:11:21,599 --> 00:11:23,016
- Oh, no.
321
00:11:23,017 --> 00:11:24,851
Oh, she just abandoned me
like everybody else does.
322
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:27,020
Sure, sure.
323
00:11:27,021 --> 00:11:29,856
- [grunting]
324
00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,942
So stupid.
325
00:11:31,943 --> 00:11:33,735
- [gasps] Ooh.
326
00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:35,111
- Okay, Bandit was right.
327
00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:37,530
Those other guys were
too artsy and wounded.
328
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:40,200
But this one...
- He's just a piece of meat.
329
00:11:40,201 --> 00:11:44,788
And I'm going to
gnaw him to the bone.
330
00:11:44,789 --> 00:11:47,666
- ? Get it ?
[distant cheering]
331
00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:50,335
- That's the sound
of satisfaction.
332
00:11:50,336 --> 00:11:51,461
[sighs]
333
00:11:51,462 --> 00:11:52,712
- We have a problem.
334
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,422
- I don't pay you to
bring me problems.
335
00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:55,715
What are you, my child?
336
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,759
- Um, it's been
brought to my attention
337
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,386
that we are still missing one of
338
00:11:59,387 --> 00:12:01,179
the nondisclosure agreements.
- Missing one?
339
00:12:01,180 --> 00:12:02,514
I can't afford to
be missing one.
340
00:12:02,515 --> 00:12:03,765
Do you know what is on the line?
341
00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:05,976
I won't have my
past become a joke
342
00:12:05,977 --> 00:12:07,894
on the New York
cocktail party circuit.
343
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,729
Who's the holdout?
344
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,523
- Yeah, it's pretty cool.
345
00:12:11,524 --> 00:12:13,483
And I can eat
whatever I want, so...
346
00:12:13,484 --> 00:12:16,152
- Wow, that's really hot.
347
00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:17,529
- Yay me!
348
00:12:17,530 --> 00:12:20,323
Score another win for
the matchmaking queen.
349
00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:21,700
- [scoffs] He's too tall.
350
00:12:21,701 --> 00:12:23,618
That height's not normal.
351
00:12:23,619 --> 00:12:26,204
It's not like I care, but
that's serial killer tall.
352
00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:28,498
- Why would a serial
killer need to be tall?
353
00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:30,875
Bandit, you're acting
like a jealous boyfriend,
354
00:12:30,876 --> 00:12:32,752
but about Petey,
your platonic friend.
355
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,296
That is so funny.
356
00:12:34,297 --> 00:12:35,422
I love comedy.
357
00:12:35,423 --> 00:12:37,048
- Oh, I don't care.
358
00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,551
I don't care about anything.
359
00:12:39,552 --> 00:12:42,595
Well, I care about
justice, social movements,
360
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,597
knowing when to pick
up a rescue animal
361
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,057
and when to leave
it where it is...
362
00:12:46,058 --> 00:12:47,392
- Yeah, yeah, I know, babe.
363
00:12:47,393 --> 00:12:49,352
I'm gonna celebrate
this wingwoman win
364
00:12:49,353 --> 00:12:51,313
with a trip to the
tinkle factory.
365
00:12:51,314 --> 00:12:54,232
[rock music]
366
00:12:54,233 --> 00:12:56,359
- Hey, you have
something in your eye.
367
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,153
Let me get it.
- [giggles]
368
00:12:58,154 --> 00:12:59,237
- It's an eyelash.
369
00:12:59,238 --> 00:13:01,656
- [gasps] My hero.
370
00:13:01,657 --> 00:13:03,700
- Hey, blow.
371
00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:04,701
- [blows]
372
00:13:04,702 --> 00:13:05,910
- Huh? Agh!
373
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:07,245
[grunts]
- [screams]
374
00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:08,705
- Ah! Hey, what the frick?
375
00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:10,415
- Don't just tell her to blow!
376
00:13:10,416 --> 00:13:11,708
It's her birthday.
377
00:13:11,709 --> 00:13:15,253
- [gasps] No!
378
00:13:15,254 --> 00:13:18,007
- I told myself I wasn't
gonna act crazy tonight.
379
00:13:21,010 --> 00:13:23,345
- You looking for this?
380
00:13:23,346 --> 00:13:24,929
- What do you want,
country mouse?
381
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,848
- I want you.
- I'm flattered,
382
00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,892
but I don't do my
husband's sloppy seconds.
383
00:13:28,893 --> 00:13:30,685
- Unflatter yourself.
384
00:13:30,686 --> 00:13:33,229
I need a favor.
385
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,856
- [groans] Put me down, jerk.
386
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:37,692
You ruined my
birthday sex plans.
387
00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:39,611
- Selfish little cult
leader doesn't even know
388
00:13:39,612 --> 00:13:40,737
how to say thank you.
389
00:13:40,738 --> 00:13:42,030
- Thank you for what?
390
00:13:42,031 --> 00:13:44,449
I was doing just fine.
Better than fine.
391
00:13:44,450 --> 00:13:46,159
So take me back. [thunderclap]
392
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,204
Oh, no. Oh, my birthday hair!
393
00:13:49,205 --> 00:13:51,122
- Let's take shelter
in one of my barns.
394
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,749
- "One" of your barns?
395
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:54,292
- [grunts]
- [gasps]
396
00:13:54,293 --> 00:13:55,669
My legs work, you know.
397
00:13:57,338 --> 00:13:59,464
[soft music]
398
00:13:59,465 --> 00:14:01,716
- [groans]
399
00:14:01,717 --> 00:14:04,177
Believe it or not, this isn't
even my craziest birthday.
400
00:14:04,178 --> 00:14:06,221
My birthday last year,
we rented a yacht
401
00:14:06,222 --> 00:14:07,514
in a forbidden lagoon,
402
00:14:07,515 --> 00:14:09,808
a piranha took a chunk
out of Ella's leg,
403
00:14:09,809 --> 00:14:12,644
and we had to be airlifted
out. [both laugh]
404
00:14:12,645 --> 00:14:15,021
Or the year before that,
we rented a helicopter,
405
00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:17,273
and Ella fell out
because she was twerking
406
00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:18,566
in front of the open door.
407
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:20,068
It was so crazy.
408
00:14:20,069 --> 00:14:21,569
- Sounds exhausting.
409
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:23,947
- I mean, I didn't have
birthday parties as a kid.
410
00:14:23,948 --> 00:14:26,157
My mom was never in town.
411
00:14:26,158 --> 00:14:28,827
Oh, she was here. [sighs]
412
00:14:28,828 --> 00:14:30,829
- Crowning Day.
- You get it.
413
00:14:30,830 --> 00:14:32,372
Mae Mae was so tied
up with the cult,
414
00:14:32,373 --> 00:14:33,873
I'm sure your
birthday sucked too.
415
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,709
- Oh, no, my mom went
nuts on my birthday...
416
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:40,630
Petting zoo, moon bounce,
real swords, the whole nine.
417
00:14:40,631 --> 00:14:42,966
Then she'd sob about
how becoming a mom
418
00:14:42,967 --> 00:14:44,843
was the best thing that
ever happened to her.
419
00:14:44,844 --> 00:14:46,094
- Oh, wow.
420
00:14:46,095 --> 00:14:49,180
Talk about salt in the wound.
421
00:14:49,181 --> 00:14:51,182
- You know,
422
00:14:51,183 --> 00:14:54,519
salt cures meat.
423
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,689
- I never understood
that process.
424
00:14:57,690 --> 00:14:59,732
How does it keep
meat from spoiling?
425
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,443
- It reduces water activity.
426
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:06,781
- But if you had to choose
between curing and freezing...
427
00:15:06,782 --> 00:15:09,784
- Freezing.
428
00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:11,828
[sighs] I have a confession.
429
00:15:11,829 --> 00:15:13,496
I brought you here on purpose.
430
00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:15,331
- [scoffs] You
orchestrated this?
431
00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:16,749
- I guess you could say that.
432
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,084
- But why?
433
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,627
[gasps]
- [chuckles]
434
00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:21,296
- I know you say you hate me,
435
00:15:21,297 --> 00:15:25,133
but do you maybe
opposite hate me?
436
00:15:25,134 --> 00:15:29,053
- [sighs] Maybe.
437
00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:31,264
All: Surprise!
438
00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:32,640
[both gasp]
439
00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:34,642
- Happy birthday, Petey!
440
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:36,019
- Oh, wow.
441
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:37,854
You did this for me?
442
00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:40,023
- I did. Uh-huh. I
got you, didn't I?
443
00:15:40,024 --> 00:15:43,359
- So everything today
was for the surprise?
444
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,904
Bandit didn't do this
to be alone with me?
445
00:15:45,905 --> 00:15:48,865
It was all part of
a birthday prank?
446
00:15:48,866 --> 00:15:50,491
- I have another
surprise for you.
447
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:51,701
- Darling, it's me.
448
00:15:51,702 --> 00:15:54,787
? Surprise ?
449
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:55,998
[all cheering]
- [laughs]
450
00:15:57,666 --> 00:16:01,878
- Darling, I who
birthed you salute you,
451
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:05,506
and many returns of the day.
452
00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:08,051
This counts as dinner.
453
00:16:08,052 --> 00:16:10,303
Bah-dah!
454
00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:13,515
[all cheering]
455
00:16:16,227 --> 00:16:18,186
- Is everything okay?
456
00:16:18,187 --> 00:16:20,521
You don't seem very happy
to see your mean mom.
457
00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:21,773
Isn't that what you wanted?
458
00:16:21,774 --> 00:16:23,066
- Yeah.
459
00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:24,984
I mean, I did.
460
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,527
It seemed like a good
idea at the time.
461
00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:27,820
- And so I said...
462
00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,239
- Well, thank you
for getting her here,
463
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,448
however you did it.
464
00:16:30,449 --> 00:16:32,367
- Light blackmail.
You're welcome.
465
00:16:32,368 --> 00:16:33,910
- That's really impressive.
466
00:16:33,911 --> 00:16:36,412
She is not easy to blackmail.
467
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,706
- Uh, yeah.
468
00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,792
- So just double-checking,
when you were
469
00:16:40,793 --> 00:16:43,253
making me feel like shit, was
that a Crowning Day thing?
470
00:16:43,254 --> 00:16:44,504
Or...
- Oh, yeah.
471
00:16:44,505 --> 00:16:45,672
That was bad, right?
472
00:16:45,673 --> 00:16:47,382
I've never thrown
anyone a birthday party,
473
00:16:47,383 --> 00:16:49,425
so I did what they do on TV.
474
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,761
Get everyone to ignore you
so you're really surprised
475
00:16:51,762 --> 00:16:52,971
when the party happens.
476
00:16:52,972 --> 00:16:54,555
- You were really good at it.
477
00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:55,974
It's just... [scoffs]
478
00:16:55,975 --> 00:16:59,560
Today, everything...
And with my mom here...
479
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:02,230
You know, she is what she is.
480
00:17:02,231 --> 00:17:05,692
And I know she loves
me... or something.
481
00:17:05,693 --> 00:17:07,235
- Yeah. You know,
I'm kind of surprised
482
00:17:07,236 --> 00:17:08,569
you wanted to spend
your birthday with her.
483
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:09,946
Your mom's a lot.
484
00:17:09,947 --> 00:17:11,823
- Huh. She is, isn't she?
485
00:17:11,824 --> 00:17:13,408
- I mean, who am I to say?
486
00:17:13,409 --> 00:17:15,285
I grew up with some
big personalities.
487
00:17:15,286 --> 00:17:17,203
But honestly, there's
something that you don't seem
488
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:19,747
to understand that I feel
like you should know.
489
00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:21,791
Your mom sucks.
490
00:17:21,792 --> 00:17:22,834
- Whoa.
491
00:17:22,835 --> 00:17:24,669
She does, doesn't she?
492
00:17:24,670 --> 00:17:26,212
- I mean, she puts
on a great show.
493
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,006
Don't get me wrong.
But she sucks.
494
00:17:28,007 --> 00:17:30,675
- My mom sucks.
495
00:17:30,676 --> 00:17:33,219
[laughing] Why does that
feel like good news?
496
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,262
- Exactly.
497
00:17:34,263 --> 00:17:35,263
So did we do it?
498
00:17:35,264 --> 00:17:36,347
Are you happy?
499
00:17:36,348 --> 00:17:38,516
- Oh, my God.
500
00:17:38,517 --> 00:17:41,769
I am happy on my birthday.
501
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:43,104
[screams] [both laugh]
502
00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:44,939
- Yes!
503
00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:47,483
- Petey, happy birthday!
504
00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,068
Get in here, sweet girl.
505
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,570
Take a hit of the good stuff.
506
00:17:50,571 --> 00:17:53,281
- [gasps] I've been
waiting for this all day.
507
00:17:53,282 --> 00:17:54,574
Yay!
508
00:17:54,575 --> 00:17:55,908
Mae Mae hug.
509
00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:58,411
Ooh, I feel like a
dog in a ThunderShirt.
510
00:17:58,412 --> 00:17:59,912
Where have you been all day?
511
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:01,456
- I'm so sorry.
512
00:18:01,457 --> 00:18:03,875
I can't keep secrets,
so I had to skedaddle.
513
00:18:03,876 --> 00:18:05,668
- You can't keep secrets?
514
00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:07,795
How was that possible
working for my dad?
515
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:08,838
- Oh, no, silly.
516
00:18:08,839 --> 00:18:10,506
I mean fun secrets.
517
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,717
It's wicked secrets I
eat for morning meal.
518
00:18:12,718 --> 00:18:14,218
- ? My voice ?
[cheering]
519
00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:17,388
- Dear heart, what is that
bag of bones doing here?
520
00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:18,598
- Oh, she's here for my party.
521
00:18:18,599 --> 00:18:19,682
Eliza extorted her.
522
00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:21,434
- Oh, that's nice.
523
00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:23,394
Good friend.
524
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:26,148
- It's like being in a
straitjacket who loves you.
525
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:30,234
- Thanks for your help
with my surprise party.
526
00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,403
It's really nice.
527
00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:35,031
You're a good... friend.
528
00:18:35,032 --> 00:18:36,115
- Thank you.
529
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:39,786
You are... a friend to me...
530
00:18:39,787 --> 00:18:43,331
is how I think of
you on your birthday.
531
00:18:43,332 --> 00:18:45,833
- Oh, and I really hope
things work out with Polly.
532
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:47,335
I hope she's not mad.
- Oh, my gosh, mad?
533
00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:49,128
- [gasps]
- Mad about what?
534
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:52,215
Bandit was such a gentleman
leaving me the truck.
535
00:18:52,216 --> 00:18:53,841
He did take the keys,
so I had to walk
536
00:18:53,842 --> 00:18:55,051
8 miles back in the rain,
537
00:18:55,052 --> 00:18:57,220
but you know how men are,
538
00:18:57,221 --> 00:19:00,724
just so forgetful
about the details.
539
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:03,935
I love when Bandit forgets me.
540
00:19:03,936 --> 00:19:06,187
It's our own fun
little inside joke.
541
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:08,648
- You didn't ask me if you
could have a party here.
542
00:19:08,649 --> 00:19:10,066
How'd you even know it'd be open
543
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:11,776
or if she would even be here?
544
00:19:11,777 --> 00:19:13,361
- I didn't have
to. I know you.
545
00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:15,321
And I knew you'd find a
way to get her alone today.
546
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,156
- Now it looks like
I was in on it!
547
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:19,450
- Isn't it better that it
looks like you were in on it
548
00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:22,912
versus the alternative?
549
00:19:22,913 --> 00:19:24,914
- So let me get this straight.
550
00:19:24,915 --> 00:19:28,835
You left me to come hang
out with Petey in this barn?
551
00:19:28,836 --> 00:19:30,503
I get it. It's her birthday.
552
00:19:30,504 --> 00:19:33,005
I'll go wait in the
truck. Come on, Hydrangea.
553
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,133
[dog growling] [laughs]
554
00:19:35,134 --> 00:19:36,843
Funny doggy.
555
00:19:36,844 --> 00:19:38,428
[growls]
556
00:19:38,429 --> 00:19:40,555
- Eliza, you're my best friend.
557
00:19:40,556 --> 00:19:42,682
And you didn't even get
hurt on my birthday.
558
00:19:42,683 --> 00:19:44,142
- Make a wish, bitch!
559
00:19:44,143 --> 00:19:46,978
- Hmm, I...
560
00:19:46,979 --> 00:19:48,604
hope my mom dies.
561
00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:50,565
- Whoa, okay! Pull it back.
562
00:19:50,566 --> 00:19:51,525
- Yeah, okay.
563
00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:55,570
- Ella, I know every
year on my birthday,
564
00:19:55,571 --> 00:19:57,238
you get really hurt.
- Physically.
565
00:19:57,239 --> 00:19:59,323
I injure my body.
566
00:19:59,324 --> 00:20:00,908
- ? Everybody move your body ?
567
00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:02,910
- Oh!
568
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,787
Oh, my tooth!
569
00:20:04,788 --> 00:20:06,456
My foot's in the hole!
570
00:20:06,457 --> 00:20:08,666
My orbital bone!
571
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:10,918
Petey, help me
look for my tooth!
572
00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,962
My left groin!
573
00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:16,340
The mimosa went into my eye!
574
00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:18,968
My eye went into the mimosa!
575
00:20:18,969 --> 00:20:21,763
The police horse
thinks my hair is hay!
576
00:20:21,764 --> 00:20:24,515
No, police horse, no!
577
00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,934
My lashes!
578
00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:29,228
I burnt my tongue on an engine.
579
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,522
Petey, there's an
owl attacking me.
580
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:33,357
Petey! [owl screeching]
581
00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:34,484
Ow!
582
00:20:34,485 --> 00:20:36,861
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
583
00:20:36,862 --> 00:20:38,821
Oh, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
584
00:20:38,822 --> 00:20:39,864
I can't breathe.
585
00:20:39,865 --> 00:20:41,574
[groans]
586
00:20:41,575 --> 00:20:45,036
[sobbing]
- ? Everybody move your body ?
587
00:20:45,037 --> 00:20:48,539
- Can we go to the hospital
where Beyonc� had her babies?
588
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:50,166
Please.
589
00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:52,085
I like that one the best.
590
00:20:52,135 --> 00:20:56,685
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