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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,835 --> 00:00:03,420 [phone buzzing] 2 00:00:03,421 --> 00:00:05,130 - Hey, birthday skank! 3 00:00:05,131 --> 00:00:06,674 Where are you? 4 00:00:06,675 --> 00:00:08,050 - Ella, I'm not coming. 5 00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:09,510 I've moved, remember? 6 00:00:09,511 --> 00:00:11,428 And everyone here high-key worships me, 7 00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:12,805 so you have to figure my birthday's gonna be 8 00:00:12,806 --> 00:00:13,931 a huge holiday. 9 00:00:13,932 --> 00:00:15,474 - But if you're not here, 10 00:00:15,475 --> 00:00:18,018 who will take me to the ER when I get really hurt? 11 00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:20,020 - Ella, I know every year on my birthday, 12 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:21,188 you get really hurt. 13 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:24,191 - Physically. I injure my body. 14 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,485 - I guess this year, maybe try not get hurt? 15 00:00:26,486 --> 00:00:28,445 [gasps] Breakfast in bed? 16 00:00:28,446 --> 00:00:30,072 [laughs] No! 17 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:32,950 Mae Mae, stop. For me? For my birthday? 18 00:00:32,951 --> 00:00:34,660 Oh, don't! Oh, my God. 19 00:00:34,661 --> 00:00:36,787 Hmm. - Your father will explain. 20 00:00:36,788 --> 00:00:39,415 - [gasps] My father? 21 00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:41,125 - Hi, Petey! 22 00:00:41,126 --> 00:00:42,835 It's your birthday. 23 00:00:42,836 --> 00:00:46,297 So happy birthday! [laughs] 24 00:00:46,298 --> 00:00:48,090 And if I know Mae Mae, she left this tape 25 00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:49,550 and ran like hell. 26 00:00:49,551 --> 00:00:52,303 There's some bad news you need to hear. 27 00:00:52,304 --> 00:00:53,887 - It's hard for me to hear what you're saying 28 00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:55,556 before you blow out the candles. 29 00:00:55,557 --> 00:00:56,932 - Don't worry about the candles. 30 00:00:56,933 --> 00:00:59,101 In New Utopia, they celebrate 31 00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:00,644 the day you were born, 32 00:01:00,645 --> 00:01:02,313 but it's not about you. 33 00:01:02,314 --> 00:01:03,856 - Oh, no. 34 00:01:03,857 --> 00:01:05,691 - It's in honor of your mother 35 00:01:05,692 --> 00:01:08,068 and her journey to giving birth 36 00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:11,071 in a holiday we call Crowning Day. 37 00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,281 - Uh, what? 38 00:01:12,282 --> 00:01:13,699 - It's the result 39 00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:17,077 of a long-forgotten marital negotiation. 40 00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:20,247 There's a parade and an all-day variety show. 41 00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:21,415 Your mother comes to town. 42 00:01:21,416 --> 00:01:23,042 - My mother comes to town? 43 00:01:23,043 --> 00:01:26,211 - She sings, tells stories, a real triple threat. 44 00:01:26,212 --> 00:01:28,088 Wait, that's... that's two. 45 00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:30,174 - Just blow out the candles, Dad. 46 00:01:30,175 --> 00:01:32,009 - Oh, she tells jokes at your expense. 47 00:01:32,010 --> 00:01:34,011 That's the third. [chuckles] 48 00:01:34,012 --> 00:01:38,515 She really roasts you, but the crowd eats it up. 49 00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:40,100 - No! 50 00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:43,103 - Happy Crowning Day, kid. 51 00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:44,521 Cake is ruined. 52 00:01:44,522 --> 00:01:45,898 - Crowning Day? 53 00:01:45,899 --> 00:01:48,984 [horns blowing] 54 00:01:48,985 --> 00:01:50,194 Hmm. 55 00:01:50,195 --> 00:01:52,988 [upbeat music] 56 00:01:52,989 --> 00:01:56,367 ? ? 57 00:01:56,368 --> 00:01:58,202 [quirky folk music] 58 00:01:58,203 --> 00:02:01,246 [crowd cheering] 59 00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:04,708 ? ? 60 00:02:04,709 --> 00:02:06,086 [goat bleats] 61 00:02:07,462 --> 00:02:08,629 [goat screams] 62 00:02:08,630 --> 00:02:11,507 - So, Mae Mae, Crowning Day. 63 00:02:11,508 --> 00:02:12,966 [laughs] Little curve ball. 64 00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:15,886 Did not realize my birthday would be a holiday 65 00:02:15,887 --> 00:02:18,305 that's not about me, but I can hang with that. 66 00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:19,640 I'm a grown-up. 67 00:02:19,641 --> 00:02:22,810 Don't need to be like, "Wah, my birthday!" 68 00:02:22,811 --> 00:02:26,480 That's... that's for being in your early-mid-20s. 69 00:02:26,481 --> 00:02:28,399 We can just do a small grown-up thing 70 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,567 and be happy with that because there's nothing sadder 71 00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:32,611 than being sad on your birthday. 72 00:02:32,612 --> 00:02:36,448 The good news is, my mom is coming to town, which is good. 73 00:02:36,449 --> 00:02:38,367 So we can do dinner, which is great. 74 00:02:38,368 --> 00:02:40,911 And maybe you could give me one of your incredible hugs. 75 00:02:40,912 --> 00:02:42,579 It'll be perfect. It'll be perfect! 76 00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:45,207 Right, Mae Mae? 77 00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:48,127 Oh, wow, I talked to a mop for a long time. 78 00:02:48,128 --> 00:02:50,754 - [laughs] I saw the whole thing! 79 00:02:50,755 --> 00:02:52,673 [laughs] 80 00:02:52,674 --> 00:02:55,634 [upbeat rock music] 81 00:02:55,635 --> 00:02:57,928 - Last call for pregame alcohol. 82 00:02:57,929 --> 00:02:59,680 Relax your throat. 83 00:02:59,681 --> 00:03:01,724 - Wow. Big day, huh? 84 00:03:01,725 --> 00:03:03,434 - Yeah, Crowning Day. It's a huge holiday. 85 00:03:03,435 --> 00:03:04,685 People love it. 86 00:03:04,686 --> 00:03:06,729 - Which also means it's someone's birthday. 87 00:03:06,730 --> 00:03:07,771 - Oh, it's not my birthday. 88 00:03:07,772 --> 00:03:09,690 - No, it's my birthday. 89 00:03:09,691 --> 00:03:11,316 - Oh, yeah. 90 00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:12,985 You were the baby's head. 91 00:03:12,986 --> 00:03:14,945 Wow. I never put that together. 92 00:03:14,946 --> 00:03:16,822 That's wild. Good for you. 93 00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:18,866 Happy Crowning Day. - Thanks. 94 00:03:18,867 --> 00:03:21,118 So I just learned my mom will be in town, 95 00:03:21,119 --> 00:03:22,870 and you're obviously my bestie, so I was thinking, 96 00:03:22,871 --> 00:03:24,621 after Crowning Day whatever wraps up, 97 00:03:24,622 --> 00:03:26,457 that the three of us should have birthday dinner. 98 00:03:26,458 --> 00:03:28,542 - You want to spend your birthday with your mom? 99 00:03:28,543 --> 00:03:31,837 - Eliza, this is grown-up birthday, city style. 100 00:03:31,838 --> 00:03:33,422 When your mom's in town, you go to dinner. 101 00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:34,882 You bring your friends. Mom pays. 102 00:03:34,883 --> 00:03:37,342 It's like... it's so standard, it's crazy. 103 00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:39,261 - If you say so. 104 00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:41,138 Anyway, thanks for the invite, 105 00:03:41,139 --> 00:03:43,307 but Crowning Day is usually my whole day. 106 00:03:43,308 --> 00:03:44,392 I'm super busy. 107 00:03:46,728 --> 00:03:48,353 - Okay, bye. 108 00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:52,107 Happy Crowning Day, everyone. 109 00:03:52,108 --> 00:03:53,734 Hmm. 110 00:03:53,735 --> 00:03:55,819 [crowd cheering] 111 00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,697 [gasps] My mom. 112 00:03:58,698 --> 00:04:00,574 - Hand in your signed NDA on the right. 113 00:04:00,575 --> 00:04:03,368 Get your ticket for today's show on the left. 114 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:05,871 - And so I said, "Well, well... 115 00:04:05,872 --> 00:04:07,789 you don't deserve the third well." 116 00:04:07,790 --> 00:04:09,625 [forced laughter] 117 00:04:09,626 --> 00:04:11,251 - Mom, it's me, Petey. 118 00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:13,795 - Petey, so good to see you. 119 00:04:13,796 --> 00:04:18,383 Come into my dressing room and not out of my uterus. 120 00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:21,220 [forced laughter] - [laughs nervously] 121 00:04:21,221 --> 00:04:23,263 Oh, I know today is a huge day for you, 122 00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:24,973 but I wanted to see if you're around 123 00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:28,101 to get dinner later for my birthday. 124 00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:29,561 - I'm glad you're here, actually. 125 00:04:29,562 --> 00:04:32,397 - [laughs] Really? You're glad I'm here? 126 00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:33,899 - I need you to sign this. 127 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:35,400 - A nondisclosure agreement? 128 00:04:35,401 --> 00:04:37,736 - Don't act like you haven't seen one before. 129 00:04:37,737 --> 00:04:41,490 I need to create distance between myself and New Utopia. 130 00:04:41,491 --> 00:04:44,701 You see, Petra, I'm from this town 131 00:04:44,702 --> 00:04:46,370 before it was a cult. 132 00:04:46,371 --> 00:04:48,497 - [gasps] So we're not Prussian? 133 00:04:48,498 --> 00:04:50,541 - All right. Well, it is your birthday. 134 00:04:50,542 --> 00:04:53,836 So as a gift, I suppose I can give you a little backstory. 135 00:04:53,837 --> 00:04:56,255 My birth name was Tammy Overalls. 136 00:04:56,256 --> 00:04:58,423 - Tammy Overalls. You know her? 137 00:04:58,424 --> 00:05:00,801 - So I do know an Overalls. 138 00:05:00,802 --> 00:05:02,886 - I managed to climb my way out of the swamp 139 00:05:02,887 --> 00:05:05,305 and reinvent myself in Midtown Manhattan. 140 00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,266 If the truth of my roots ever came out, 141 00:05:07,267 --> 00:05:08,767 it would threaten my current life, 142 00:05:08,768 --> 00:05:10,602 and I'd have to get my hair done in Connecticut 143 00:05:10,603 --> 00:05:11,895 like Ruth Madoff. 144 00:05:11,896 --> 00:05:13,772 - [laughs weakly] 145 00:05:13,773 --> 00:05:16,149 - So instead, I come to town every year 146 00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:18,235 to put on a knock-your-socks-off, 147 00:05:18,236 --> 00:05:21,071 leave-it-all-on-the-stage cabaret, 148 00:05:21,072 --> 00:05:23,657 in exchange for legally binding agreements from everyone 149 00:05:23,658 --> 00:05:26,451 to never mention my association with New Utopia. 150 00:05:26,452 --> 00:05:29,413 Is it also fun for me? Sure. 151 00:05:29,414 --> 00:05:32,332 And since you live here now, I need one from you too. 152 00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:34,626 - So you want me to sign an NDA 153 00:05:34,627 --> 00:05:36,378 because you're embarrassed of your past, 154 00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,338 but not because of me? 155 00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:41,216 That's the nicest thing you've ever said. 156 00:05:41,217 --> 00:05:43,677 [hums] 157 00:05:43,678 --> 00:05:45,637 So how about that dinner? 158 00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,556 There's a really good mashed potato place 159 00:05:47,557 --> 00:05:48,724 in Apple Bucket. 160 00:05:48,725 --> 00:05:50,058 - Oh, honey, I would love to. 161 00:05:50,059 --> 00:05:51,560 [scoffs] But I don't want to. 162 00:05:51,561 --> 00:05:52,936 Every year, I get out of dodge 163 00:05:52,937 --> 00:05:54,354 when the last one of these is signed. 164 00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,939 - [whimpers] 165 00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:57,399 - If you don't like it, you shouldn't have 166 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,234 been born on Crowning Day. 167 00:05:59,235 --> 00:06:00,277 Is that anything? 168 00:06:00,278 --> 00:06:01,571 [forced laughter] 169 00:06:03,489 --> 00:06:06,158 - Hey. Figured I'd catch the show. 170 00:06:06,159 --> 00:06:07,910 [chuckles] Should we sit together? 171 00:06:07,911 --> 00:06:08,911 - Let me see your ticket. 172 00:06:08,912 --> 00:06:10,078 Oh, your seat is so bad. 173 00:06:10,079 --> 00:06:11,663 No, I'm good. Bye. 174 00:06:11,664 --> 00:06:13,498 - [scoffs] Mae Mae! 175 00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:15,542 We sit together? You give me birthday hug? 176 00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:16,919 - [hisses] 177 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,420 - Kay. 178 00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,213 Well, this is just getting weirder and weirder. 179 00:06:20,214 --> 00:06:21,882 [cheers and applause] 180 00:06:21,883 --> 00:06:24,301 - Oh, mama! 181 00:06:24,302 --> 00:06:25,469 [brassy music] 182 00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:27,596 Thank you very much. 183 00:06:27,597 --> 00:06:28,258 ? ? 184 00:06:32,977 --> 00:06:34,227 They say motherhood is a gift. 185 00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:35,354 Well, I'll tell you what motherhood 186 00:06:35,355 --> 00:06:36,563 and gifts have in common... 187 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:39,566 A box getting ripped apart. 188 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,652 [laughter] 189 00:06:41,653 --> 00:06:45,530 [cheering and applause] 190 00:06:45,531 --> 00:06:47,532 It took nine months to create my daughter, 191 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:48,825 yet looking at her, 192 00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,410 you'd think it took five minutes. 193 00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:53,288 [laughter] 194 00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:55,499 - I don't think they realize she's talking about me. 195 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,209 They're not making the connection. 196 00:06:57,210 --> 00:06:59,586 - Petey's like a work of art: I spent millions on her, 197 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,004 she serves no purpose, 198 00:07:01,005 --> 00:07:02,589 and Jerry Saltz of "New York Magazine" 199 00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,800 described her as a tacky piece of shit. 200 00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:06,551 [laughter] - [gasps] What? 201 00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,136 Nope. Nope. 202 00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,596 No, no, no. 203 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,182 No, no, no, no, no! No. 204 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,559 [exhales] Okay. 205 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,229 My mom's roast jokes hurt worse than I was prepared for, 206 00:07:17,230 --> 00:07:19,356 and no one would even sit with me during it. 207 00:07:19,357 --> 00:07:22,567 So my mom and bestie dinner is clearly not happening. 208 00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:24,820 My only option I have left for a grown and sexy birthday 209 00:07:24,821 --> 00:07:27,114 is to find some rando to bang me out. 210 00:07:27,115 --> 00:07:29,032 - Oh. - [gasps] 211 00:07:29,033 --> 00:07:30,075 - Mmm. 212 00:07:30,076 --> 00:07:32,869 - [purrs] That'll do. 213 00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:35,706 - Well, if it's not the apple rolling away from the tree. 214 00:07:35,707 --> 00:07:37,958 What's the matter? Can't share the spotlight? 215 00:07:37,959 --> 00:07:39,835 - I don't need a spotlight, I don't need a hug, 216 00:07:39,836 --> 00:07:41,545 and I don't need my mom. 217 00:07:41,546 --> 00:07:43,547 - What do you need, princess? 218 00:07:43,548 --> 00:07:46,591 - I need to get banged out. 219 00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,093 Like, now. 220 00:07:48,094 --> 00:07:49,469 [doorbell rings] [gasps] Ugh! 221 00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:51,263 - Did I hear someone needs to get banged out? 222 00:07:51,264 --> 00:07:54,182 [laughs] Hi, Petey. I'm Polly. 223 00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:55,892 Bandit's random girlfriend. 224 00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:58,019 So excited to meet you. 225 00:07:58,020 --> 00:07:59,062 Get in, loser. 226 00:07:59,063 --> 00:08:00,857 We're going guy shopping. 227 00:08:04,819 --> 00:08:06,820 - So just to be clear, I wasn't saying 228 00:08:06,821 --> 00:08:08,363 I wanted to get banged out by you. 229 00:08:08,364 --> 00:08:10,699 Ugh. [laughs] Just, like, in general. 230 00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:13,076 And, um, since when do you have a girlfriend? 231 00:08:13,077 --> 00:08:14,870 - Since recently. 232 00:08:14,871 --> 00:08:17,080 We've been dating together, because I like her. 233 00:08:17,081 --> 00:08:19,291 - Cool. Right. Congrats. 234 00:08:19,292 --> 00:08:21,251 - Guys, we're going in. 235 00:08:21,252 --> 00:08:23,837 Petey, are you so stoked? 236 00:08:23,838 --> 00:08:25,046 Get stoked. 237 00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:27,007 [rock music] - [gasps] 238 00:08:27,008 --> 00:08:28,842 Yum. [engine revving] 239 00:08:28,843 --> 00:08:30,135 [wolf howling] [woman moaning] 240 00:08:30,136 --> 00:08:32,012 [gun cocking] [explosion booms] 241 00:08:32,013 --> 00:08:34,639 Polly, what is this place? 242 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,017 - This is the hunky bar on the outskirts of town. 243 00:08:37,018 --> 00:08:38,685 It's where all the square-jawed hotties 244 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,687 got banished to when your dad got paranoid 245 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:42,773 about not being the hottest man around. 246 00:08:42,774 --> 00:08:44,107 - [giggling] - Not all the hotties. 247 00:08:44,108 --> 00:08:45,942 Just the early bloomers. 248 00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:48,403 - So you're really all right helping me out with this? 249 00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:50,614 - Why not? We're buddies. 250 00:08:50,615 --> 00:08:53,742 Fine friends. 251 00:08:53,743 --> 00:08:56,536 - Just try to have a bad birthday in this place. 252 00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,789 I've already put together some great options... 253 00:08:58,790 --> 00:09:01,041 Really sketchy guys, up for anything. 254 00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:02,459 So scary. [laughs] 255 00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:04,544 - Time to make some mistakes. 256 00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,046 [laughter] - Come on, girl. 257 00:09:06,047 --> 00:09:07,297 [dramatic piano music] 258 00:09:07,298 --> 00:09:09,800 - So I picked myself up off the floor, 259 00:09:09,801 --> 00:09:11,551 and I said to myself, 260 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:16,681 "You may have ruined my body and my life and my spirit, 261 00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:19,893 but you will never take my... ? Voice! ? 262 00:09:19,894 --> 00:09:22,354 [cheers and applause] 263 00:09:22,355 --> 00:09:24,106 A one, a two, 264 00:09:24,107 --> 00:09:26,233 a one, two, three, four. 265 00:09:26,234 --> 00:09:28,568 [grand music] 266 00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:30,612 Seven, eight! 267 00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:32,781 [cheers and applause] 268 00:09:32,782 --> 00:09:34,616 - [growls] 269 00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:36,535 [indistinct chatter] 270 00:09:36,536 --> 00:09:38,370 - Oof, I don't even know where to start. 271 00:09:38,371 --> 00:09:40,372 Gosh, it's been so long 272 00:09:40,373 --> 00:09:42,624 since I've been around a really hot guy. 273 00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,459 - [scoffs] You ain't gonna make me jealous. 274 00:09:44,460 --> 00:09:46,128 - She's not trying to, silly. 275 00:09:46,129 --> 00:09:47,504 You don't have to do anything. 276 00:09:47,505 --> 00:09:49,005 I'm the "pear-fect" wingwoman. 277 00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:50,590 - "Or, my gourd." 278 00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,051 I used to be the same way when I lived in the city. 279 00:09:53,052 --> 00:09:56,012 - She's nothing like you. You're two different people. 280 00:09:56,013 --> 00:09:58,765 [whispering] I promised myself I wouldn't act crazy tonight. 281 00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:01,226 - Hmm? What? - Nothing. 282 00:10:01,227 --> 00:10:03,395 - Relax, Petey. I'm a pro. 283 00:10:03,396 --> 00:10:05,605 Because I make men feel funny and smart, 284 00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,732 which gives them confidence to approach girls 285 00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:08,900 out of their league. 286 00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:10,110 Watch. 287 00:10:10,111 --> 00:10:12,904 [upbeat music] 288 00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:14,406 - Hey, you dropped this. 289 00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:16,783 - Oh, my God. I'm such a stupid klutz. 290 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:18,827 - [laughs] No, you're not. 291 00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:21,204 - I'm barely strong enough to hold a purse. 292 00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:23,123 - Oh, well, I'm strong enough to hold a purse. 293 00:10:23,124 --> 00:10:24,416 - Wow. 294 00:10:24,417 --> 00:10:25,584 Have you met my hot friend Petey? 295 00:10:25,585 --> 00:10:26,960 She is the coolest. 296 00:10:26,961 --> 00:10:29,504 Today's her birthday, and she's thirsty. 297 00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:34,426 [both laugh nervously] 298 00:10:34,427 --> 00:10:37,679 - I noticed the bottoms of your jeans are cramped. 299 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,264 Been under house arrest lately? 300 00:10:39,265 --> 00:10:40,557 - What... what are you talking about? 301 00:10:40,558 --> 00:10:42,517 No, they're just too long. 302 00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:45,061 - How about we call your parole officer and find out? 303 00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:47,272 - [stammering] Shut up. 304 00:10:47,273 --> 00:10:49,691 - Bandy, what's your problem? 305 00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:52,068 - I know an ankle monitor indent when I see one. 306 00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:53,528 That man was not safe! 307 00:10:53,529 --> 00:10:56,114 - Babe, you're being so aggro and defensive 308 00:10:56,115 --> 00:10:57,532 of your hot platonic friend. 309 00:10:57,533 --> 00:10:58,909 Don't worry, Petey. 310 00:10:58,910 --> 00:11:01,328 This wingwoman has more tricks up her sleeve. 311 00:11:01,329 --> 00:11:02,579 - ? Get it ? 312 00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:05,123 ? ? 313 00:11:05,124 --> 00:11:08,752 - Your hair is like the finest bale of hay 314 00:11:08,753 --> 00:11:10,128 on a summer morning. 315 00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:11,129 - [giggles] - [growls] 316 00:11:11,130 --> 00:11:12,298 - [scoffs] 317 00:11:14,467 --> 00:11:17,552 - My childhood? Uh, not good. 318 00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:20,430 - Mine wasn't either. 319 00:11:20,431 --> 00:11:21,598 - [grunts] - Oh! 320 00:11:21,599 --> 00:11:23,016 - Oh, no. 321 00:11:23,017 --> 00:11:24,851 Oh, she just abandoned me like everybody else does. 322 00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:27,020 Sure, sure. 323 00:11:27,021 --> 00:11:29,856 - [grunting] 324 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,942 So stupid. 325 00:11:31,943 --> 00:11:33,735 - [gasps] Ooh. 326 00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:35,111 - Okay, Bandit was right. 327 00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:37,530 Those other guys were too artsy and wounded. 328 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:40,200 But this one... - He's just a piece of meat. 329 00:11:40,201 --> 00:11:44,788 And I'm going to gnaw him to the bone. 330 00:11:44,789 --> 00:11:47,666 - ? Get it ? [distant cheering] 331 00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:50,335 - That's the sound of satisfaction. 332 00:11:50,336 --> 00:11:51,461 [sighs] 333 00:11:51,462 --> 00:11:52,712 - We have a problem. 334 00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,422 - I don't pay you to bring me problems. 335 00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:55,715 What are you, my child? 336 00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,759 - Um, it's been brought to my attention 337 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,386 that we are still missing one of 338 00:11:59,387 --> 00:12:01,179 the nondisclosure agreements. - Missing one? 339 00:12:01,180 --> 00:12:02,514 I can't afford to be missing one. 340 00:12:02,515 --> 00:12:03,765 Do you know what is on the line? 341 00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:05,976 I won't have my past become a joke 342 00:12:05,977 --> 00:12:07,894 on the New York cocktail party circuit. 343 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,729 Who's the holdout? 344 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,523 - Yeah, it's pretty cool. 345 00:12:11,524 --> 00:12:13,483 And I can eat whatever I want, so... 346 00:12:13,484 --> 00:12:16,152 - Wow, that's really hot. 347 00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:17,529 - Yay me! 348 00:12:17,530 --> 00:12:20,323 Score another win for the matchmaking queen. 349 00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:21,700 - [scoffs] He's too tall. 350 00:12:21,701 --> 00:12:23,618 That height's not normal. 351 00:12:23,619 --> 00:12:26,204 It's not like I care, but that's serial killer tall. 352 00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:28,498 - Why would a serial killer need to be tall? 353 00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:30,875 Bandit, you're acting like a jealous boyfriend, 354 00:12:30,876 --> 00:12:32,752 but about Petey, your platonic friend. 355 00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,296 That is so funny. 356 00:12:34,297 --> 00:12:35,422 I love comedy. 357 00:12:35,423 --> 00:12:37,048 - Oh, I don't care. 358 00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,551 I don't care about anything. 359 00:12:39,552 --> 00:12:42,595 Well, I care about justice, social movements, 360 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,597 knowing when to pick up a rescue animal 361 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,057 and when to leave it where it is... 362 00:12:46,058 --> 00:12:47,392 - Yeah, yeah, I know, babe. 363 00:12:47,393 --> 00:12:49,352 I'm gonna celebrate this wingwoman win 364 00:12:49,353 --> 00:12:51,313 with a trip to the tinkle factory. 365 00:12:51,314 --> 00:12:54,232 [rock music] 366 00:12:54,233 --> 00:12:56,359 - Hey, you have something in your eye. 367 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,153 Let me get it. - [giggles] 368 00:12:58,154 --> 00:12:59,237 - It's an eyelash. 369 00:12:59,238 --> 00:13:01,656 - [gasps] My hero. 370 00:13:01,657 --> 00:13:03,700 - Hey, blow. 371 00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:04,701 - [blows] 372 00:13:04,702 --> 00:13:05,910 - Huh? Agh! 373 00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:07,245 [grunts] - [screams] 374 00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:08,705 - Ah! Hey, what the frick? 375 00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:10,415 - Don't just tell her to blow! 376 00:13:10,416 --> 00:13:11,708 It's her birthday. 377 00:13:11,709 --> 00:13:15,253 - [gasps] No! 378 00:13:15,254 --> 00:13:18,007 - I told myself I wasn't gonna act crazy tonight. 379 00:13:21,010 --> 00:13:23,345 - You looking for this? 380 00:13:23,346 --> 00:13:24,929 - What do you want, country mouse? 381 00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,848 - I want you. - I'm flattered, 382 00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,892 but I don't do my husband's sloppy seconds. 383 00:13:28,893 --> 00:13:30,685 - Unflatter yourself. 384 00:13:30,686 --> 00:13:33,229 I need a favor. 385 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,856 - [groans] Put me down, jerk. 386 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:37,692 You ruined my birthday sex plans. 387 00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:39,611 - Selfish little cult leader doesn't even know 388 00:13:39,612 --> 00:13:40,737 how to say thank you. 389 00:13:40,738 --> 00:13:42,030 - Thank you for what? 390 00:13:42,031 --> 00:13:44,449 I was doing just fine. Better than fine. 391 00:13:44,450 --> 00:13:46,159 So take me back. [thunderclap] 392 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,204 Oh, no. Oh, my birthday hair! 393 00:13:49,205 --> 00:13:51,122 - Let's take shelter in one of my barns. 394 00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,749 - "One" of your barns? 395 00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:54,292 - [grunts] - [gasps] 396 00:13:54,293 --> 00:13:55,669 My legs work, you know. 397 00:13:57,338 --> 00:13:59,464 [soft music] 398 00:13:59,465 --> 00:14:01,716 - [groans] 399 00:14:01,717 --> 00:14:04,177 Believe it or not, this isn't even my craziest birthday. 400 00:14:04,178 --> 00:14:06,221 My birthday last year, we rented a yacht 401 00:14:06,222 --> 00:14:07,514 in a forbidden lagoon, 402 00:14:07,515 --> 00:14:09,808 a piranha took a chunk out of Ella's leg, 403 00:14:09,809 --> 00:14:12,644 and we had to be airlifted out. [both laugh] 404 00:14:12,645 --> 00:14:15,021 Or the year before that, we rented a helicopter, 405 00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:17,273 and Ella fell out because she was twerking 406 00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:18,566 in front of the open door. 407 00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:20,068 It was so crazy. 408 00:14:20,069 --> 00:14:21,569 - Sounds exhausting. 409 00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:23,947 - I mean, I didn't have birthday parties as a kid. 410 00:14:23,948 --> 00:14:26,157 My mom was never in town. 411 00:14:26,158 --> 00:14:28,827 Oh, she was here. [sighs] 412 00:14:28,828 --> 00:14:30,829 - Crowning Day. - You get it. 413 00:14:30,830 --> 00:14:32,372 Mae Mae was so tied up with the cult, 414 00:14:32,373 --> 00:14:33,873 I'm sure your birthday sucked too. 415 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,709 - Oh, no, my mom went nuts on my birthday... 416 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:40,630 Petting zoo, moon bounce, real swords, the whole nine. 417 00:14:40,631 --> 00:14:42,966 Then she'd sob about how becoming a mom 418 00:14:42,967 --> 00:14:44,843 was the best thing that ever happened to her. 419 00:14:44,844 --> 00:14:46,094 - Oh, wow. 420 00:14:46,095 --> 00:14:49,180 Talk about salt in the wound. 421 00:14:49,181 --> 00:14:51,182 - You know, 422 00:14:51,183 --> 00:14:54,519 salt cures meat. 423 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,689 - I never understood that process. 424 00:14:57,690 --> 00:14:59,732 How does it keep meat from spoiling? 425 00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,443 - It reduces water activity. 426 00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:06,781 - But if you had to choose between curing and freezing... 427 00:15:06,782 --> 00:15:09,784 - Freezing. 428 00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:11,828 [sighs] I have a confession. 429 00:15:11,829 --> 00:15:13,496 I brought you here on purpose. 430 00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:15,331 - [scoffs] You orchestrated this? 431 00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:16,749 - I guess you could say that. 432 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,084 - But why? 433 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,627 [gasps] - [chuckles] 434 00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:21,296 - I know you say you hate me, 435 00:15:21,297 --> 00:15:25,133 but do you maybe opposite hate me? 436 00:15:25,134 --> 00:15:29,053 - [sighs] Maybe. 437 00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:31,264 All: Surprise! 438 00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:32,640 [both gasp] 439 00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:34,642 - Happy birthday, Petey! 440 00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:36,019 - Oh, wow. 441 00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:37,854 You did this for me? 442 00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:40,023 - I did. Uh-huh. I got you, didn't I? 443 00:15:40,024 --> 00:15:43,359 - So everything today was for the surprise? 444 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,904 Bandit didn't do this to be alone with me? 445 00:15:45,905 --> 00:15:48,865 It was all part of a birthday prank? 446 00:15:48,866 --> 00:15:50,491 - I have another surprise for you. 447 00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:51,701 - Darling, it's me. 448 00:15:51,702 --> 00:15:54,787 ? Surprise ? 449 00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:55,998 [all cheering] - [laughs] 450 00:15:57,666 --> 00:16:01,878 - Darling, I who birthed you salute you, 451 00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:05,506 and many returns of the day. 452 00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:08,051 This counts as dinner. 453 00:16:08,052 --> 00:16:10,303 Bah-dah! 454 00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:13,515 [all cheering] 455 00:16:16,227 --> 00:16:18,186 - Is everything okay? 456 00:16:18,187 --> 00:16:20,521 You don't seem very happy to see your mean mom. 457 00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:21,773 Isn't that what you wanted? 458 00:16:21,774 --> 00:16:23,066 - Yeah. 459 00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:24,984 I mean, I did. 460 00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,527 It seemed like a good idea at the time. 461 00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:27,820 - And so I said... 462 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,239 - Well, thank you for getting her here, 463 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,448 however you did it. 464 00:16:30,449 --> 00:16:32,367 - Light blackmail. You're welcome. 465 00:16:32,368 --> 00:16:33,910 - That's really impressive. 466 00:16:33,911 --> 00:16:36,412 She is not easy to blackmail. 467 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,706 - Uh, yeah. 468 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,792 - So just double-checking, when you were 469 00:16:40,793 --> 00:16:43,253 making me feel like shit, was that a Crowning Day thing? 470 00:16:43,254 --> 00:16:44,504 Or... - Oh, yeah. 471 00:16:44,505 --> 00:16:45,672 That was bad, right? 472 00:16:45,673 --> 00:16:47,382 I've never thrown anyone a birthday party, 473 00:16:47,383 --> 00:16:49,425 so I did what they do on TV. 474 00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,761 Get everyone to ignore you so you're really surprised 475 00:16:51,762 --> 00:16:52,971 when the party happens. 476 00:16:52,972 --> 00:16:54,555 - You were really good at it. 477 00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:55,974 It's just... [scoffs] 478 00:16:55,975 --> 00:16:59,560 Today, everything... And with my mom here... 479 00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:02,230 You know, she is what she is. 480 00:17:02,231 --> 00:17:05,692 And I know she loves me... or something. 481 00:17:05,693 --> 00:17:07,235 - Yeah. You know, I'm kind of surprised 482 00:17:07,236 --> 00:17:08,569 you wanted to spend your birthday with her. 483 00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:09,946 Your mom's a lot. 484 00:17:09,947 --> 00:17:11,823 - Huh. She is, isn't she? 485 00:17:11,824 --> 00:17:13,408 - I mean, who am I to say? 486 00:17:13,409 --> 00:17:15,285 I grew up with some big personalities. 487 00:17:15,286 --> 00:17:17,203 But honestly, there's something that you don't seem 488 00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:19,747 to understand that I feel like you should know. 489 00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:21,791 Your mom sucks. 490 00:17:21,792 --> 00:17:22,834 - Whoa. 491 00:17:22,835 --> 00:17:24,669 She does, doesn't she? 492 00:17:24,670 --> 00:17:26,212 - I mean, she puts on a great show. 493 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,006 Don't get me wrong. But she sucks. 494 00:17:28,007 --> 00:17:30,675 - My mom sucks. 495 00:17:30,676 --> 00:17:33,219 [laughing] Why does that feel like good news? 496 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,262 - Exactly. 497 00:17:34,263 --> 00:17:35,263 So did we do it? 498 00:17:35,264 --> 00:17:36,347 Are you happy? 499 00:17:36,348 --> 00:17:38,516 - Oh, my God. 500 00:17:38,517 --> 00:17:41,769 I am happy on my birthday. 501 00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:43,104 [screams] [both laugh] 502 00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:44,939 - Yes! 503 00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:47,483 - Petey, happy birthday! 504 00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,068 Get in here, sweet girl. 505 00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,570 Take a hit of the good stuff. 506 00:17:50,571 --> 00:17:53,281 - [gasps] I've been waiting for this all day. 507 00:17:53,282 --> 00:17:54,574 Yay! 508 00:17:54,575 --> 00:17:55,908 Mae Mae hug. 509 00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:58,411 Ooh, I feel like a dog in a ThunderShirt. 510 00:17:58,412 --> 00:17:59,912 Where have you been all day? 511 00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:01,456 - I'm so sorry. 512 00:18:01,457 --> 00:18:03,875 I can't keep secrets, so I had to skedaddle. 513 00:18:03,876 --> 00:18:05,668 - You can't keep secrets? 514 00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:07,795 How was that possible working for my dad? 515 00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:08,838 - Oh, no, silly. 516 00:18:08,839 --> 00:18:10,506 I mean fun secrets. 517 00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,717 It's wicked secrets I eat for morning meal. 518 00:18:12,718 --> 00:18:14,218 - ? My voice ? [cheering] 519 00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:17,388 - Dear heart, what is that bag of bones doing here? 520 00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:18,598 - Oh, she's here for my party. 521 00:18:18,599 --> 00:18:19,682 Eliza extorted her. 522 00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:21,434 - Oh, that's nice. 523 00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:23,394 Good friend. 524 00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:26,148 - It's like being in a straitjacket who loves you. 525 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:30,234 - Thanks for your help with my surprise party. 526 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,403 It's really nice. 527 00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:35,031 You're a good... friend. 528 00:18:35,032 --> 00:18:36,115 - Thank you. 529 00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:39,786 You are... a friend to me... 530 00:18:39,787 --> 00:18:43,331 is how I think of you on your birthday. 531 00:18:43,332 --> 00:18:45,833 - Oh, and I really hope things work out with Polly. 532 00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:47,335 I hope she's not mad. - Oh, my gosh, mad? 533 00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:49,128 - [gasps] - Mad about what? 534 00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:52,215 Bandit was such a gentleman leaving me the truck. 535 00:18:52,216 --> 00:18:53,841 He did take the keys, so I had to walk 536 00:18:53,842 --> 00:18:55,051 8 miles back in the rain, 537 00:18:55,052 --> 00:18:57,220 but you know how men are, 538 00:18:57,221 --> 00:19:00,724 just so forgetful about the details. 539 00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:03,935 I love when Bandit forgets me. 540 00:19:03,936 --> 00:19:06,187 It's our own fun little inside joke. 541 00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:08,648 - You didn't ask me if you could have a party here. 542 00:19:08,649 --> 00:19:10,066 How'd you even know it'd be open 543 00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:11,776 or if she would even be here? 544 00:19:11,777 --> 00:19:13,361 - I didn't have to. I know you. 545 00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:15,321 And I knew you'd find a way to get her alone today. 546 00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,156 - Now it looks like I was in on it! 547 00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:19,450 - Isn't it better that it looks like you were in on it 548 00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:22,912 versus the alternative? 549 00:19:22,913 --> 00:19:24,914 - So let me get this straight. 550 00:19:24,915 --> 00:19:28,835 You left me to come hang out with Petey in this barn? 551 00:19:28,836 --> 00:19:30,503 I get it. It's her birthday. 552 00:19:30,504 --> 00:19:33,005 I'll go wait in the truck. Come on, Hydrangea. 553 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,133 [dog growling] [laughs] 554 00:19:35,134 --> 00:19:36,843 Funny doggy. 555 00:19:36,844 --> 00:19:38,428 [growls] 556 00:19:38,429 --> 00:19:40,555 - Eliza, you're my best friend. 557 00:19:40,556 --> 00:19:42,682 And you didn't even get hurt on my birthday. 558 00:19:42,683 --> 00:19:44,142 - Make a wish, bitch! 559 00:19:44,143 --> 00:19:46,978 - Hmm, I... 560 00:19:46,979 --> 00:19:48,604 hope my mom dies. 561 00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:50,565 - Whoa, okay! Pull it back. 562 00:19:50,566 --> 00:19:51,525 - Yeah, okay. 563 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:55,570 - Ella, I know every year on my birthday, 564 00:19:55,571 --> 00:19:57,238 you get really hurt. - Physically. 565 00:19:57,239 --> 00:19:59,323 I injure my body. 566 00:19:59,324 --> 00:20:00,908 - ? Everybody move your body ? 567 00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:02,910 - Oh! 568 00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,787 Oh, my tooth! 569 00:20:04,788 --> 00:20:06,456 My foot's in the hole! 570 00:20:06,457 --> 00:20:08,666 My orbital bone! 571 00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:10,918 Petey, help me look for my tooth! 572 00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,962 My left groin! 573 00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:16,340 The mimosa went into my eye! 574 00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:18,968 My eye went into the mimosa! 575 00:20:18,969 --> 00:20:21,763 The police horse thinks my hair is hay! 576 00:20:21,764 --> 00:20:24,515 No, police horse, no! 577 00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,934 My lashes! 578 00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:29,228 I burnt my tongue on an engine. 579 00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,522 Petey, there's an owl attacking me. 580 00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:33,357 Petey! [owl screeching] 581 00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:34,484 Ow! 582 00:20:34,485 --> 00:20:36,861 Oh, oh, oh, oh! 583 00:20:36,862 --> 00:20:38,821 Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. 584 00:20:38,822 --> 00:20:39,864 I can't breathe. 585 00:20:39,865 --> 00:20:41,574 [groans] 586 00:20:41,575 --> 00:20:45,036 [sobbing] - ? Everybody move your body ? 587 00:20:45,037 --> 00:20:48,539 - Can we go to the hospital where Beyonc� had her babies? 588 00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:50,166 Please. 589 00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:52,085 I like that one the best. 590 00:20:52,135 --> 00:20:56,685 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40900

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