Original subtitles

[phone buzzing]

- Hey, birthday skank!

Where are you?

- Ella, I'm not coming.

I've moved, remember?

And everyone here high-key worships me,

so you have to figure my birthday's gonna be

a huge holiday.

- But if you're not here,

who will take me to the ER when I get really hurt?

- Ella, I know every year on my birthday,

you get really hurt.

- Physically. I injure my body.

- I guess this year, maybe try not get hurt?

[gasps] Breakfast in bed?

[laughs] No!

Mae Mae, stop. For me? For my birthday?

Oh, don't! Oh, my God.

Hmm. - Your father will explain.

- [gasps] My father?

- Hi, Petey!

It's your birthday.

So happy birthday! [laughs]

And if I know Mae Mae, she left this tape

and ran like hell.

There's some bad news you need to hear.

- It's hard for me to hear what you're saying

before you blow out the candles.

- Don't worry about the candles.

In New Utopia, they celebrate

the day you were born,

but it's not about you.

- Oh, no.

- It's in honor of your mother

and her journey to giving birth

in a holiday we call Crowning Day.

- Uh, what?

- It's the result

of a long-forgotten marital negotiation.

There's a parade and an all-day variety show.

Your mother comes to town.

- My mother comes to town?

- She sings, tells stories, a real triple threat.

Wait, that's... that's two.

- Just blow out the candles, Dad.

- Oh, she tells jokes at your expense.

That's the third. [chuckles]

She really roasts you, but the crowd eats it up.

- No!

- Happy Crowning Day, kid.

Cake is ruined.

- Crowning Day?

[horns blowing]

Hmm.

[upbeat music]

? ?

[quirky folk music]

[crowd cheering]

? ?

[goat bleats]

[goat screams]

- So, Mae Mae, Crowning Day.

[laughs] Little curve ball.

Did not realize my birthday would be a holiday

that's not about me, but I can hang with that.

I'm a grown-up.

Don't need to be like, "Wah, my birthday!"

That's... that's for being in your early-mid-20s.

We can just do a small grown-up thing

and be happy with that because there's nothing sadder

than being sad on your birthday.

The good news is, my mom is coming to town, which is good.

So we can do dinner, which is great.

And maybe you could give me one of your incredible hugs.

It'll be perfect. It'll be perfect!

Right, Mae Mae?

Oh, wow, I talked to a mop for a long time.

- [laughs] I saw the whole thing!

[laughs]

[upbeat rock music]

- Last call for pregame alcohol.

Relax your throat.

- Wow. Big day, huh?

- Yeah, Crowning Day. It's a huge holiday.

People love it.

- Which also means it's someone's birthday.

- Oh, it's not my birthday.

- No, it's my birthday.

- Oh, yeah.

You were the baby's head.

Wow. I never put that together.

That's wild. Good for you.

Happy Crowning Day. - Thanks.

So I just learned my mom will be in town,

and you're obviously my bestie, so I was thinking,

after Crowning Day whatever wraps up,

that the three of us should have birthday dinner.

- You want to spend your birthday with your mom?

- Eliza, this is grown-up birthday, city style.

When your mom's in town, you go to dinner.

You bring your friends. Mom pays.

It's like... it's so standard, it's crazy.

- If you say so.

Anyway, thanks for the invite,

but Crowning Day is usually my whole day.

I'm super busy.

- Okay, bye.

Happy Crowning Day, everyone.

Hmm.

[crowd cheering]

[gasps] My mom.

- Hand in your signed NDA on the right.

Get your ticket for today's show on the left.

- And so I said, "Well, well...

you don't deserve the third well."

[forced laughter]

- Mom, it's me, Petey.

- Petey, so good to see you.

Come into my dressing room and not out of my uterus.

[forced laughter] - [laughs nervously]

Oh, I know today is a huge day for you,

but I wanted to see if you're around

to get dinner later for my birthday.

- I'm glad you're here, actually.

- [laughs] Really? You're glad I'm here?

- I need you to sign this.

- A nondisclosure agreement?

- Don't act like you haven't seen one before.

I need to create distance between myself and New Utopia.

You see, Petra, I'm from this town

before it was a cult.

- [gasps] So we're not Prussian?

- All right. Well, it is your birthday.

So as a gift, I suppose I can give you a little backstory.

My birth name was Tammy Overalls.

- Tammy Overalls. You know her?

- So I do know an Overalls.

- I managed to climb my way out of the swamp

and reinvent myself in Midtown Manhattan.

If the truth of my roots ever came out,

it would threaten my current life,

and I'd have to get my hair done in Connecticut

like Ruth Madoff.

- [laughs weakly]

- So instead, I come to town every year

to put on a knock-your-socks-off,

leave-it-all-on-the-stage cabaret,

in exchange for legally binding agreements from everyone

to never mention my association with New Utopia.

Is it also fun for me? Sure.

And since you live here now, I need one from you too.

- So you want me to sign an NDA

because you're embarrassed of your past,

but not because of me?

That's the nicest thing you've ever said.

[hums]

So how about that dinner?

There's a really good mashed potato place

in Apple Bucket.

- Oh, honey, I would love to.

[scoffs] But I don't want to.

Every year, I get out of dodge

when the last one of these is signed.

- [whimpers]

- If you don't like it, you shouldn't have

been born on Crowning Day.

Is that anything?

[forced laughter]

- Hey. Figured I'd catch the show.

[chuckles] Should we sit together?

- Let me see your ticket.

Oh, your seat is so bad.

No, I'm good. Bye.

- [scoffs] Mae Mae!

We sit together? You give me birthday hug?

- [hisses]

- Kay.

Well, this is just getting weirder and weirder.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, mama!

[brassy music]

Thank you very much.

? ?

They say motherhood is a gift.

Well, I'll tell you what motherhood

and gifts have in common...

A box getting ripped apart.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

It took nine months to create my daughter,

yet looking at her,

you'd think it took five minutes.

[laughter]

- I don't think they realize she's talking about me.

They're not making the connection.

- Petey's like a work of art: I spent millions on her,

she serves no purpose,

and Jerry Saltz of "New York Magazine"

described her as a tacky piece of shit.

[laughter] - [gasps] What?

Nope. Nope.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no! No.

[exhales] Okay.

My mom's roast jokes hurt worse than I was prepared for,

and no one would even sit with me during it.

So my mom and bestie dinner is clearly not happening.

My only option I have left for a grown and sexy birthday

is to find some rando to bang me out.

- Oh. - [gasps]

- Mmm.

- [purrs] That'll do.

- Well, if it's not the apple rolling away from the tree.

What's the matter? Can't share the spotlight?

- I don't need a spotlight, I don't need a hug,

and I don't need my mom.

- What do you need, princess?

- I need to get banged out.

Like, now.

[doorbell rings] [gasps] Ugh!

- Did I hear someone needs to get banged out?

[laughs] Hi, Petey. I'm Polly.

Bandit's random girlfriend.

So excited to meet you.

Get in, loser.

We're going guy shopping.

- So just to be clear, I wasn't saying

I wanted to get banged out by you.

Ugh. [laughs] Just, like, in general.

And, um, since when do you have a girlfriend?

- Since recently.

We've been dating together, because I like her.

- Cool. Right. Congrats.

- Guys, we're going in.

Petey, are you so stoked?

Get stoked.

[rock music] - [gasps]

Yum. [engine revving]

[wolf howling] [woman moaning]

[gun cocking] [explosion booms]

Polly, what is this place?

- This is the hunky bar on the outskirts of town.

It's where all the square-jawed hotties

got banished to when your dad got paranoid

about not being the hottest man around.

- [giggling] - Not all the hotties.

Just the early bloomers.

- So you're really all right helping me out with this?

- Why not? We're buddies.

Fine friends.

- Just try to have a bad birthday in this place.

I've already put together some great options...

Really sketchy guys, up for anything.

So scary. [laughs]

- Time to make some mistakes.

[laughter] - Come on, girl.

[dramatic piano music]

- So I picked myself up off the floor,

and I said to myself,

"You may have ruined my body and my life and my spirit,

but you will never take my... ? Voice! ?

[cheers and applause]

A one, a two,

a one, two, three, four.

[grand music]

Seven, eight!

[cheers and applause]

- [growls]

[indistinct chatter]

- Oof, I don't even know where to start.

Gosh, it's been so long

since I've been around a really hot guy.

- [scoffs] You ain't gonna make me jealous.

- She's not trying to, silly.

You don't have to do anything.

I'm the "pear-fect" wingwoman.

- "Or, my gourd."

I used to be the same way when I lived in the city.

- She's nothing like you. You're two different people.

[whispering] I promised myself I wouldn't act crazy tonight.

- Hmm? What? - Nothing.

- Relax, Petey. I'm a pro.

Because I make men feel funny and smart,

which gives them confidence to approach girls

out of their league.

Watch.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, you dropped this.

- Oh, my God. I'm such a stupid klutz.

- [laughs] No, you're not.

- I'm barely strong enough to hold a purse.

- Oh, well, I'm strong enough to hold a purse.

- Wow.

Have you met my hot friend Petey?

She is the coolest.

Today's her birthday, and she's thirsty.

[both laugh nervously]

- I noticed the bottoms of your jeans are cramped.

Been under house arrest lately?

- What... what are you talking about?

No, they're just too long.

- How about we call your parole officer and find out?

- [stammering] Shut up.

- Bandy, what's your problem?

- I know an ankle monitor indent when I see one.

That man was not safe!

- Babe, you're being so aggro and defensive

of your hot platonic friend.

Don't worry, Petey.

This wingwoman has more tricks up her sleeve.

- ? Get it ?

? ?

- Your hair is like the finest bale of hay

on a summer morning.

- [giggles] - [growls]

- [scoffs]

- My childhood? Uh, not good.

- Mine wasn't either.

- [grunts] - Oh!

- Oh, no.

Oh, she just abandoned me like everybody else does.

Sure, sure.

- [grunting]

So stupid.

- [gasps] Ooh.

- Okay, Bandit was right.

Those other guys were too artsy and wounded.

But this one... - He's just a piece of meat.

And I'm going to gnaw him to the bone.

- ? Get it ? [distant cheering]

- That's the sound of satisfaction.

[sighs]

- We have a problem.

- I don't pay you to bring me problems.

What are you, my child?

- Um, it's been brought to my attention

that we are still missing one of

the nondisclosure agreements. - Missing one?

I can't afford to be missing one.

Do you know what is on the line?

I won't have my past become a joke

on the New York cocktail party circuit.

Who's the holdout?

- Yeah, it's pretty cool.

And I can eat whatever I want, so...

- Wow, that's really hot.

- Yay me!

Score another win for the matchmaking queen.

- [scoffs] He's too tall.

That height's not normal.

It's not like I care, but that's serial killer tall.

- Why would a serial killer need to be tall?

Bandit, you're acting like a jealous boyfriend,

but about Petey, your platonic friend.

That is so funny.

I love comedy.

- Oh, I don't care.

I don't care about anything.

Well, I care about justice, social movements,

knowing when to pick up a rescue animal

and when to leave it where it is...

- Yeah, yeah, I know, babe.

I'm gonna celebrate this wingwoman win

with a trip to the tinkle factory.

[rock music]

- Hey, you have something in your eye.

Let me get it. - [giggles]

- It's an eyelash.

- [gasps] My hero.

- Hey, blow.

- [blows]

- Huh? Agh!

[grunts] - [screams]

- Ah! Hey, what the frick?

- Don't just tell her to blow!

It's her birthday.

- [gasps] No!

- I told myself I wasn't gonna act crazy tonight.

- You looking for this?

- What do you want, country mouse?

- I want you. - I'm flattered,

but I don't do my husband's sloppy seconds.

- Unflatter yourself.

I need a favor.

- [groans] Put me down, jerk.

You ruined my birthday sex plans.

- Selfish little cult leader doesn't even know

how to say thank you.

- Thank you for what?

I was doing just fine. Better than fine.

So take me back. [thunderclap]

Oh, no. Oh, my birthday hair!

- Let's take shelter in one of my barns.

- "One" of your barns?

- [grunts] - [gasps]

My legs work, you know.

[soft music]

- [groans]

Believe it or not, this isn't even my craziest birthday.

My birthday last year, we rented a yacht

in a forbidden lagoon,

a piranha took a chunk out of Ella's leg,

and we had to be airlifted out. [both laugh]

Or the year before that, we rented a helicopter,

and Ella fell out because she was twerking

in front of the open door.

It was so crazy.

- Sounds exhausting.

- I mean, I didn't have birthday parties as a kid.

My mom was never in town.

Oh, she was here. [sighs]

- Crowning Day. - You get it.

Mae Mae was so tied up with the cult,

I'm sure your birthday sucked too.

- Oh, no, my mom went nuts on my birthday...

Petting zoo, moon bounce, real swords, the whole nine.

Then she'd sob about how becoming a mom

was the best thing that ever happened to her.

- Oh, wow.

Talk about salt in the wound.

- You know,

salt cures meat.

- I never understood that process.

How does it keep meat from spoiling?

- It reduces water activity.

- But if you had to choose between curing and freezing...

- Freezing.

[sighs] I have a confession.

I brought you here on purpose.

- [scoffs] You orchestrated this?

- I guess you could say that.

- But why?

[gasps] - [chuckles]

- I know you say you hate me,

but do you maybe opposite hate me?

- [sighs] Maybe.

All: Surprise!

[both gasp]

- Happy birthday, Petey!

- Oh, wow.

You did this for me?

- I did. Uh-huh. I got you, didn't I?

- So everything today was for the surprise?

Bandit didn't do this to be alone with me?

It was all part of a birthday prank?

- I have another surprise for you.

- Darling, it's me.

? Surprise ?

[all cheering] - [laughs]

- Darling, I who birthed you salute you,

and many returns of the day.

This counts as dinner.

Bah-dah!

[all cheering]

- Is everything okay?

You don't seem very happy to see your mean mom.

Isn't that what you wanted?

- Yeah.

I mean, I did.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

- And so I said...

- Well, thank you for getting her here,

however you did it.

- Light blackmail. You're welcome.

- That's really impressive.

She is not easy to blackmail.

- Uh, yeah.

- So just double-checking, when you were

making me feel like shit, was that a Crowning Day thing?

Or... - Oh, yeah.

That was bad, right?

I've never thrown anyone a birthday party,

so I did what they do on TV.

Get everyone to ignore you so you're really surprised

when the party happens.

- You were really good at it.

It's just... [scoffs]

Today, everything... And with my mom here...

You know, she is what she is.

And I know she loves me... or something.

- Yeah. You know, I'm kind of surprised

you wanted to spend your birthday with her.

Your mom's a lot.

- Huh. She is, isn't she?

- I mean, who am I to say?

I grew up with some big personalities.

But honestly, there's something that you don't seem

to understand that I feel like you should know.

Your mom sucks.

- Whoa.

She does, doesn't she?

- I mean, she puts on a great show.

Don't get me wrong. But she sucks.

- My mom sucks.

[laughing] Why does that feel like good news?

- Exactly.

So did we do it?

Are you happy?

- Oh, my God.

I am happy on my birthday.

[screams] [both laugh]

- Yes!

- Petey, happy birthday!

Get in here, sweet girl.

Take a hit of the good stuff.

- [gasps] I've been waiting for this all day.

Yay!

Mae Mae hug.

Ooh, I feel like a dog in a ThunderShirt.

Where have you been all day?

- I'm so sorry.

I can't keep secrets, so I had to skedaddle.

- You can't keep secrets?

How was that possible working for my dad?

- Oh, no, silly.

I mean fun secrets.

It's wicked secrets I eat for morning meal.

- ? My voice ? [cheering]

- Dear heart, what is that bag of bones doing here?

- Oh, she's here for my party.

Eliza extorted her.

- Oh, that's nice.

Good friend.

- It's like being in a straitjacket who loves you.

- Thanks for your help with my surprise party.

It's really nice.

You're a good... friend.

- Thank you.

You are... a friend to me...

is how I think of you on your birthday.

- Oh, and I really hope things work out with Polly.

I hope she's not mad. - Oh, my gosh, mad?

- [gasps] - Mad about what?

Bandit was such a gentleman leaving me the truck.

He did take the keys, so I had to walk

8 miles back in the rain,

but you know how men are,

just so forgetful about the details.

I love when Bandit forgets me.

It's our own fun little inside joke.

- You didn't ask me if you could have a party here.

How'd you even know it'd be open

or if she would even be here?

- I didn't have to. I know you.

And I knew you'd find a way to get her alone today.

- Now it looks like I was in on it!

- Isn't it better that it looks like you were in on it

versus the alternative?

- So let me get this straight.

You left me to come hang out with Petey in this barn?

I get it. It's her birthday.

I'll go wait in the truck. Come on, Hydrangea.

[dog growling] [laughs]

Funny doggy.

[growls]

- Eliza, you're my best friend.

And you didn't even get hurt on my birthday.

- Make a wish, bitch!

- Hmm, I...

hope my mom dies.

- Whoa, okay! Pull it back.

- Yeah, okay.

- Ella, I know every year on my birthday,

you get really hurt. - Physically.

I injure my body.

- ? Everybody move your body ?

- Oh!

Oh, my tooth!

My foot's in the hole!

My orbital bone!

Petey, help me look for my tooth!

My left groin!

The mimosa went into my eye!

My eye went into the mimosa!

The police horse thinks my hair is hay!

No, police horse, no!

My lashes!

I burnt my tongue on an engine.

Petey, there's an owl attacking me.

Petey! [owl screeching]

Ow!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

[groans]

[sobbing] - ? Everybody move your body ?

- Can we go to the hospital where Beyonc� had her babies?

Please.

I like that one the best.

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