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1
00:00:00,331 --> 00:00:02,841
We're not going out
2
00:00:02,841 --> 00:00:04,771
Not staying in
3
00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:07,661
Just hanging around
With my head in a spin
4
00:00:07,661 --> 00:00:10,411
But there is no need
to scream and shout
5
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:13,481
We're not going out
6
00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:16,811
We are not going out.
7
00:00:24,761 --> 00:00:26,172
BEEP
8
00:00:31,371 --> 00:00:32,731
BEEP
9
00:00:36,011 --> 00:00:37,451
BEEP
10
00:00:37,451 --> 00:00:41,251
As much as I love a good mime
artist, dinner is served.
11
00:00:41,251 --> 00:00:42,611
BEEP
12
00:00:42,611 --> 00:00:44,011
Don't tell me you can't hear that.
13
00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:45,111
What?
14
00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:46,201
BEEP
That.
15
00:00:46,201 --> 00:00:47,971
It's been bugging me
for the last half hour.
16
00:00:47,971 --> 00:00:50,451
What, you think it's MI5?
17
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,561
Dinner's ready.
18
00:00:51,561 --> 00:00:53,052
Is it the microwave?
19
00:00:53,052 --> 00:00:54,611
No, it's not the bloody microwave.
20
00:00:54,611 --> 00:00:58,011
I've spent all afternoon cooking
a proper meal in the oven.
21
00:00:58,011 --> 00:00:59,371
Does the oven beep?
22
00:01:00,841 --> 00:01:02,941
You can't ignore these warning
signals, you know.
23
00:01:02,941 --> 00:01:05,891
Don't worry, I fully intend to
book us in to Relate.
24
00:01:07,811 --> 00:01:09,121
BEEP
25
00:01:09,121 --> 00:01:11,361
Maybe it's the
carbon monoxide alarm.
26
00:01:11,361 --> 00:01:13,381
That can cause damage to the brain,
you know.
27
00:01:13,381 --> 00:01:15,621
Or it might be the alarm
on the stable door, reminding us
28
00:01:15,621 --> 00:01:18,021
that horse bolted years ago.
29
00:01:18,021 --> 00:01:19,771
BEEP
30
00:01:19,771 --> 00:01:21,381
Have you checked the smoke alarm?
31
00:01:21,381 --> 00:01:22,851
Of course I have.
32
00:01:22,851 --> 00:01:24,411
Was it not that?
33
00:01:24,411 --> 00:01:25,491
Yes, Lucy, it was that.
34
00:01:25,491 --> 00:01:28,302
But I thought I'd leave it because
I was finding the tune quite catchy.
35
00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:31,741
It's not the smoke alarm.
I've just changed the battery.
36
00:01:31,741 --> 00:01:32,851
BEEP
37
00:01:32,851 --> 00:01:34,211
It's not your phone, is it?
38
00:01:34,211 --> 00:01:37,182
No, my phone is in my bedside
drawer and it's switched off.
39
00:01:37,182 --> 00:01:40,231
Why? Because I don't want my mates
texting me the result of the footy.
40
00:01:40,231 --> 00:01:42,741
I'm going to watch it as soon
as I find this bloody beep.
41
00:01:42,741 --> 00:01:43,851
BEEP
42
00:01:43,851 --> 00:01:45,661
You've forgotten, haven't you?
43
00:01:47,331 --> 00:01:50,541
What? That I've cooked
a special meal for us both.
44
00:01:51,771 --> 00:01:54,101
Of course I haven't forgotten.
45
00:01:54,101 --> 00:01:56,052
What made me think of
the smoke alarm?
46
00:01:59,131 --> 00:02:01,182
I wish you'd listen to me
when I tell you things.
47
00:02:01,182 --> 00:02:02,691
BEEP
Hmm?
48
00:02:02,691 --> 00:02:04,182
SHE EXHALES
49
00:02:04,182 --> 00:02:05,491
Please sit down.
50
00:02:07,541 --> 00:02:09,991
Well, obviously, I...
BEEP
51
00:02:09,991 --> 00:02:13,491
Obviously, I can ignore it,
if that's what you want.
52
00:02:13,491 --> 00:02:15,851
Yes, it is what I want.
53
00:02:15,851 --> 00:02:17,581
I just thought it might
be bothering you.
54
00:02:17,581 --> 00:02:18,671
It's not bothering me.
55
00:02:18,671 --> 00:02:21,052
BEEP
56
00:02:21,052 --> 00:02:22,851
Are you sure?
BEEP
57
00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:24,901
Because it's driving me nuts.
58
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:26,052
That's it.
59
00:02:26,052 --> 00:02:28,331
It's the sound of your nuts
reversing into your body
60
00:02:28,331 --> 00:02:29,461
for protection.
61
00:02:36,941 --> 00:02:38,691
Well?
62
00:02:38,691 --> 00:02:40,221
What?
63
00:02:40,221 --> 00:02:41,461
What do you think?
64
00:02:42,611 --> 00:02:44,221
The ambience?
BEEP
65
00:02:45,821 --> 00:02:48,131
I don't think it's an ambulance.
66
00:02:48,131 --> 00:02:49,741
But I'll tell you what,
67
00:02:49,741 --> 00:02:51,381
it might be a fire engine.
68
00:02:51,381 --> 00:02:53,381
Please, stop it.
69
00:02:57,861 --> 00:02:59,581
Kids are a bit old for that,
aren't they?
70
00:02:59,581 --> 00:03:00,741
It's mine.
71
00:03:00,741 --> 00:03:03,861
I'm having an affair
with an eight�inch fireman.
72
00:03:03,861 --> 00:03:05,461
He's six�foot�four.
73
00:03:09,461 --> 00:03:10,611
Are you going to eat?
74
00:03:13,741 --> 00:03:15,821
So how is it?
75
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,541
It's lovely.
76
00:03:17,541 --> 00:03:18,861
What is it?
77
00:03:18,861 --> 00:03:22,861
It's carpaccio beef starter
with pickled beetroot and a salad
78
00:03:22,861 --> 00:03:23,971
of green beans.
79
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,501
BEEP
80
00:03:25,501 --> 00:03:27,541
What did I just say it was?
81
00:03:28,821 --> 00:03:30,661
Carpaccio beep... Beef!
82
00:03:32,182 --> 00:03:35,841
That's right. With pickled beep root
and a salad of green beeps.
83
00:03:37,911 --> 00:03:40,631
Please, Lee, can you just ignore it?
84
00:03:40,631 --> 00:03:42,861
Of course I can. Are you sure?
85
00:03:42,861 --> 00:03:44,182
Yes.
86
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:46,101
Good.
87
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:48,331
Cos, when was the last time
we had an evening together
88
00:03:48,331 --> 00:03:50,182
without any distractions?
89
00:03:51,141 --> 00:03:53,052
Think of the last time we had sex.
90
00:03:53,052 --> 00:03:55,461
I bet it was on the same night.
Well, I hope so.
91
00:03:55,461 --> 00:03:57,501
If the two of us are having sex
on different nights,
92
00:03:57,501 --> 00:03:59,021
we have got problems.
93
00:04:00,611 --> 00:04:03,101
It's important to do things
like this.
94
00:04:03,101 --> 00:04:07,021
So, like I told you earlier,
we're going to spend quality time
95
00:04:07,021 --> 00:04:11,941
together this evening, eating nice
food and dressed in our finest.
96
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,861
Sorry, I've been under
the floorboards.
97
00:04:16,861 --> 00:04:19,971
Spoilsport,
I was going to put you there.
98
00:04:19,971 --> 00:04:21,581
BEEP
99
00:04:21,581 --> 00:04:24,101
I was under there looking for
whatever's causing the...
100
00:04:24,101 --> 00:04:26,461
Whatever, doesn't matter.
I'm ignoring it.
101
00:04:35,302 --> 00:04:38,101
So, how's your day been?
102
00:04:38,101 --> 00:04:39,891
Fine.
103
00:04:39,891 --> 00:04:42,052
What've you been doing?
104
00:04:42,052 --> 00:04:45,251
Anna came round earlier
on her way to meet Toby.
105
00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:46,781
They've gone away for the weekend.
106
00:04:46,781 --> 00:04:49,661
I did actually tell you
all this before.
107
00:04:51,052 --> 00:04:53,251
I know. I was listening.
108
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:55,101
So you know where they've gone,
then?
109
00:04:55,101 --> 00:04:56,221
Yes.
110
00:04:57,801 --> 00:04:58,831
Where?
111
00:05:00,911 --> 00:05:03,881
New... Castle. New York.
112
00:05:03,881 --> 00:05:07,111
New York, I was half listening.
113
00:05:07,111 --> 00:05:10,521
They wanted a break from
the daily grind of life.
114
00:05:10,521 --> 00:05:13,072
Thought you said they'd gone
together.
115
00:05:13,072 --> 00:05:14,801
It's a romantic weekend away.
116
00:05:14,801 --> 00:05:16,711
BEEP
117
00:05:16,711 --> 00:05:19,072
Maybe we should go away
together soon.
118
00:05:19,072 --> 00:05:21,241
Sounds good.
Where do you fancy?
119
00:05:21,241 --> 00:05:23,831
Actually, I searched online
for a canal cruise the other day.
120
00:05:23,831 --> 00:05:26,021
A canal cruise?
Yeah, it's a bit awkward, actually.
121
00:05:26,021 --> 00:05:29,091
The letter C on my keyboard
doesn't work properly
122
00:05:29,091 --> 00:05:32,581
and I accidentally missed
off the first letter C
123
00:05:32,581 --> 00:05:35,381
and, well, let's just say I wish
I hadn't pressed Google Images.
124
00:05:38,091 --> 00:05:40,941
Anyway, maybe we don't even need a
fancy holiday away.
125
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:44,891
Like Anna said, a simple dinner for
two at home can be another way to
126
00:05:44,891 --> 00:05:46,891
add a bit of romance to a marriage.
127
00:05:48,381 --> 00:05:51,021
Sorry, this was Anna's idea?
128
00:05:51,021 --> 00:05:52,302
BEEP
129
00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:53,531
Ignore that.
130
00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:57,422
Well, she prompted it.
131
00:05:57,422 --> 00:05:59,422
HE SCOFFS
132
00:05:59,422 --> 00:06:02,691
What? You always seem to listen
to what Anna tells you to do.
133
00:06:02,691 --> 00:06:03,891
No, I don't.
134
00:06:03,891 --> 00:06:06,051
What about that dairy�free fad?
135
00:06:06,051 --> 00:06:10,231
Quinoa milk, it's the most
disgusting thing I've ever tasted.
136
00:06:10,231 --> 00:06:12,591
That's a bit of an exaggeration.
137
00:06:12,591 --> 00:06:13,621
A bit, maybe.
138
00:06:15,432 --> 00:06:17,071
But what about all this?
139
00:06:17,071 --> 00:06:19,741
Anna comes round to tell you
that we need to put more romance
140
00:06:19,741 --> 00:06:22,731
in our marriage and you cook
us a big meal.
141
00:06:22,731 --> 00:06:24,951
She didn't come round to say that.
142
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:28,591
She just...casually brought it up.
143
00:06:28,591 --> 00:06:30,381
So what did she come round for?
144
00:06:30,381 --> 00:06:32,511
To give me some new tea towels.
145
00:06:32,511 --> 00:06:33,741
Why?
146
00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:37,071
If you must know, she thought ours
were looking a bit old and grubby.
147
00:06:37,071 --> 00:06:40,341
Oh, my God.
Our tea towels aren't old.
148
00:06:40,341 --> 00:06:42,711
Charles and Diana are
on one of them.
149
00:06:43,901 --> 00:06:46,182
I don't know why you let
her influence you so much.
150
00:06:46,182 --> 00:06:47,621
I don't.
151
00:06:47,621 --> 00:06:50,231
She just happened to mention that it
might be nice for us to spend
152
00:06:50,231 --> 00:06:51,461
an evening together.
153
00:06:51,461 --> 00:06:52,901
No telly, no kids.
154
00:06:52,901 --> 00:06:54,312
BEEP
155
00:06:54,312 --> 00:06:56,071
No distractions.
156
00:06:56,071 --> 00:06:58,821
You know, chatting.
157
00:06:58,821 --> 00:07:00,101
About what?
158
00:07:00,101 --> 00:07:01,871
About us.
159
00:07:03,541 --> 00:07:05,302
Why, what's wrong with us?
160
00:07:05,302 --> 00:07:07,261
Why does there have to be
anything wrong with us?
161
00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:09,381
You were just talking about
the food you're eating.
162
00:07:09,381 --> 00:07:11,661
It doesn't mean there's anything
wrong with it, does it?
163
00:07:12,791 --> 00:07:14,071
No.
164
00:07:14,071 --> 00:07:15,461
BEEP
165
00:07:15,461 --> 00:07:16,541
Leave it.
166
00:07:16,541 --> 00:07:19,101
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
167
00:07:19,101 --> 00:07:23,381
Oh, my God. Am I in an intensive
bloody care unit, or something?!
168
00:07:23,381 --> 00:07:26,461
You will be. Why?
What's the main course?
169
00:07:26,461 --> 00:07:27,741
Sorry?!
170
00:07:28,871 --> 00:07:30,231
Nothing. Look... Nothing.
171
00:07:30,231 --> 00:07:32,741
Just give me two minutes to sort
this out, and then you'll
172
00:07:32,741 --> 00:07:34,302
have my full attention.
173
00:07:34,302 --> 00:07:37,452
Will I, though? You're always
distracted by something.
174
00:07:37,452 --> 00:07:42,071
If it's not a beep, it's your phone
or the TV or an eBay auction.
175
00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,351
You didn't complain when
176
00:07:44,351 --> 00:07:46,531
I got that complete set of
Grumbleweeds egg cups.
177
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,381
Well, it was hard to complain
given I was so overwhelmed
178
00:07:50,381 --> 00:07:52,261
with sexual excitement.
179
00:07:52,261 --> 00:07:53,511
What are you doing?
180
00:07:53,511 --> 00:07:55,661
What does it look like I'm doing?
Lion taming?
181
00:07:57,261 --> 00:07:59,871
I am checking out that smoke alarm.
182
00:07:59,871 --> 00:08:01,901
I thought you just put
a new battery in.
183
00:08:01,901 --> 00:08:04,741
Yeah, but it was from the drawer,
so I might've accidentally replaced
184
00:08:04,741 --> 00:08:06,791
an old battery for
another old battery,
185
00:08:06,791 --> 00:08:08,351
and that's why it's beeping.
186
00:08:08,351 --> 00:08:10,302
How can you tell? I lick it.
187
00:08:10,302 --> 00:08:11,991
Oh, great.
188
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,871
My husband, the battery licker.
189
00:08:15,221 --> 00:08:17,511
Maybe you can lick the conversation
we were just having,
190
00:08:17,511 --> 00:08:19,351
see if that's now gone dead.
191
00:08:19,351 --> 00:08:23,741
To be fair, Lucy, you were talking
about tablecloths. Tea towels!
192
00:08:23,741 --> 00:08:25,581
And I'm sorry if I'm boring you.
193
00:08:25,581 --> 00:08:27,791
Maybe I should do something
more interesting.
194
00:08:27,791 --> 00:08:31,101
What if I emitted a high pitched,
whining noise at regular intervals?
195
00:08:31,101 --> 00:08:32,511
What do you mean, if?
196
00:08:35,391 --> 00:08:37,751
Please,
can you leave it until after dinner?
197
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,671
Look, it's got to be coming
from somewhere.
198
00:08:39,671 --> 00:08:41,671
OK, fine.
199
00:08:41,671 --> 00:08:44,031
I'm going to tell you.
200
00:08:44,031 --> 00:08:45,751
What, you know what it is?
201
00:08:45,751 --> 00:08:48,281
I wasn't going to say earlier.
You won't like it.
202
00:08:48,281 --> 00:08:51,591
Go on.
There is no beeping sound.
203
00:08:51,591 --> 00:08:52,871
You're going mad.
204
00:08:55,081 --> 00:08:56,951
It's not in my head.
BEEP
205
00:08:56,951 --> 00:08:58,911
I mean, you heard that.
206
00:08:58,911 --> 00:09:00,471
Heard what?
BEEP
207
00:09:00,471 --> 00:09:01,551
And that.
208
00:09:01,551 --> 00:09:03,161
I didn't hear a thing.
209
00:09:04,281 --> 00:09:05,801
And that one.
210
00:09:05,801 --> 00:09:07,001
There wasn't one that time.
211
00:09:07,001 --> 00:09:08,801
Ah!
212
00:09:13,281 --> 00:09:16,721
Who needs a fire when you can
destroy the house by yourself?
213
00:09:19,312 --> 00:09:20,551
Ugh!
214
00:09:21,641 --> 00:09:23,391
That battery's fine.
215
00:09:25,591 --> 00:09:26,721
BEEP
216
00:09:27,721 --> 00:09:29,031
BEEP
217
00:09:29,031 --> 00:09:31,831
Oh, my God, Lee, at this rate,
we'll end up like Anna and Toby
218
00:09:31,831 --> 00:09:34,751
going halfway around the world to
try and save their marriage.
219
00:09:37,001 --> 00:09:38,721
You what?
220
00:09:38,721 --> 00:09:40,641
Have you checked the thermostat
in the fridge?
221
00:09:40,641 --> 00:09:42,151
That makes a beeping sound.
222
00:09:43,231 --> 00:09:46,111
You said that they'd gone
to New York for a little break.
223
00:09:46,111 --> 00:09:48,391
You didn't say it was
to save their marriage.
224
00:09:48,391 --> 00:09:52,721
Well, you know what they're like.
Always a crisis.
225
00:09:52,721 --> 00:09:55,301
Not so bad that they literally
go to the headquarters
226
00:09:55,301 --> 00:09:56,891
of the United Nations.
227
00:09:57,921 --> 00:10:00,111
Come on. What's going on?
228
00:10:00,111 --> 00:10:01,831
OK.
229
00:10:01,831 --> 00:10:04,281
Yes, they are a bit desperate.
230
00:10:04,281 --> 00:10:07,361
So they decided to spend some time
together in New York to try
231
00:10:07,361 --> 00:10:08,871
and fix things.
232
00:10:09,951 --> 00:10:14,281
A Big Apple a day keeps the marriage
guidance counsellor away.
233
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,471
Is that what this is, then?
234
00:10:16,471 --> 00:10:18,701
What do you mean? All this?
235
00:10:19,681 --> 00:10:21,911
Are we fixing things?
236
00:10:21,911 --> 00:10:23,911
Of course not.
237
00:10:23,911 --> 00:10:25,271
They've flown to New York.
238
00:10:25,271 --> 00:10:27,101
All I've done is make us dinner.
239
00:10:27,101 --> 00:10:29,911
Yeah, yeah, but a very fancy dinner.
240
00:10:29,911 --> 00:10:32,141
It's making me nervous.
I know.
241
00:10:32,141 --> 00:10:35,302
I'm making you use a knife
and fork and everything.
242
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:38,271
Just be honest. Do you think
we're getting like Anna and Toby?
243
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:39,581
Of course I don't.
244
00:10:40,661 --> 00:10:42,781
I just think... Oh, my God!
245
00:10:42,781 --> 00:10:45,061
See, you do think we've got issues!
BEEP
246
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:47,302
This is why I don't like
having serious conversations.
247
00:10:47,302 --> 00:10:49,351
Because every time we have one,
I end up finding out
248
00:10:49,351 --> 00:10:50,861
we've got marriage problems.
249
00:10:50,861 --> 00:10:53,271
If you could manage a serious
conversation once in a while,
250
00:10:53,271 --> 00:10:55,141
we wouldn't have marriage problems.
251
00:10:55,141 --> 00:10:57,422
So you do think
we've got marriage problems?
252
00:10:57,422 --> 00:10:58,581
Of course not.
253
00:10:58,581 --> 00:11:00,741
We're certainly not as bad as
Anna and Toby.
254
00:11:00,741 --> 00:11:03,381
Punch and Judy aren't as
bad as Anna and Toby.
255
00:11:03,381 --> 00:11:04,991
Actually, you're a bit like Punch.
256
00:11:04,991 --> 00:11:06,811
Oh, so now it's the nose.
257
00:11:08,061 --> 00:11:09,781
If you're trying to ruin
my confidence,
258
00:11:09,781 --> 00:11:11,811
that's the way to do it.
259
00:11:12,941 --> 00:11:15,831
You know, I'm not sure that
I appreciate being compared
260
00:11:15,831 --> 00:11:18,422
to a person who's capable of killing
their spouse with a string
261
00:11:18,422 --> 00:11:20,271
of sausages.
262
00:11:20,271 --> 00:11:21,552
Punch doesn't do that.
263
00:11:21,552 --> 00:11:23,781
I meant Anna.
264
00:11:23,781 --> 00:11:26,741
I told you, I'm not
comparing us to Anna and Toby.
265
00:11:26,741 --> 00:11:27,911
BEEP
This...
266
00:11:27,911 --> 00:11:30,731
This was all a scam just to
get me to have a fancy dinner
267
00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:32,221
and a conversation.
268
00:11:32,221 --> 00:11:33,911
Well, of course, when you put
it like that,
269
00:11:33,911 --> 00:11:35,661
I sound like a total monster.
270
00:11:35,661 --> 00:11:37,941
You think we've got marital issues.
271
00:11:37,941 --> 00:11:40,631
Well, I wasn't sure to begin with,
Lee, but you've done an excellent
272
00:11:40,631 --> 00:11:42,271
job of proving that we have.
273
00:11:42,271 --> 00:11:43,981
BEEP, BEEP
274
00:11:43,981 --> 00:11:46,581
Bloody hell!
I bet it's the washing machine.
275
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:51,451
Where's the washing machine?
276
00:11:51,451 --> 00:11:52,501
BEEP
277
00:11:53,501 --> 00:11:54,552
BEEP
278
00:12:00,781 --> 00:12:05,552
Look, I'm not saying we're
anything like Anna and Toby.
279
00:12:05,552 --> 00:12:09,191
All I'm trying to do is spend
enough quality time together
280
00:12:09,191 --> 00:12:11,141
so that we never do
end up like them.
281
00:12:12,271 --> 00:12:13,831
But it was Anna's idea.
282
00:12:13,831 --> 00:12:15,552
Yes, but does it matter?
283
00:12:17,701 --> 00:12:20,781
Actually, I think it was
the washing machine.
284
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,302
Good.
285
00:12:22,302 --> 00:12:27,191
So can we now enjoy the rest
of the evening with no distractions?
286
00:12:27,191 --> 00:12:28,221
Yeah.
287
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:43,011
So, sorry, ...
288
00:12:43,011 --> 00:12:46,731
I admit maybe I was a little bit
distracted.
289
00:12:46,731 --> 00:12:49,501
And I'm sorry for not telling you
the real reasons for Anna and Toby
290
00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:50,861
going away.
291
00:12:50,861 --> 00:12:52,701
I can see it upset you.
292
00:12:55,581 --> 00:12:57,781
Certainly left a nasty taste
in my mouth.
293
00:13:00,501 --> 00:13:04,261
Like Anna said to me today,
she and Toby never chose
294
00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:07,261
to be horrible to each other,
but over the years they stopped
295
00:13:07,261 --> 00:13:10,011
communicating and the cracks
started to grow.
296
00:13:10,011 --> 00:13:12,901
And now they do choose
to be horrible to each other.
297
00:13:12,901 --> 00:13:16,831
And as a friend, she just doesn't
want us ever going the same way.
298
00:13:18,471 --> 00:13:21,011
So what you're saying, if there is
something that you consider
299
00:13:21,011 --> 00:13:25,061
an issue, even if it's a very small
problem, don't ignore it.
300
00:13:25,061 --> 00:13:27,501
Get to the root of the problem
and fix it.
301
00:13:28,651 --> 00:13:30,471
OK,
you were right about the beep.
302
00:13:30,471 --> 00:13:32,621
Thank you.
303
00:13:32,621 --> 00:13:35,061
And because I did get to
the root of the problem,
304
00:13:35,061 --> 00:13:38,371
it means that you now have
my undivided attention
305
00:13:38,371 --> 00:13:40,061
for the rest of the evening.
306
00:13:40,061 --> 00:13:41,361
Good.
307
00:13:52,422 --> 00:13:55,111
So, they're off to New York.
308
00:13:55,111 --> 00:13:56,621
Mm.
309
00:13:56,621 --> 00:13:58,571
They've probably made it there
by now.
310
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:01,781
Well, if you can make it there,
you can make it anywhere.
311
00:14:03,361 --> 00:14:07,411
Well, we don't need to go
to New York because I am happy
312
00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:09,931
to stay here and talk
about our relationship...
313
00:14:11,261 --> 00:14:14,931
...with my beautiful wife
at this beautiful dining table
314
00:14:14,931 --> 00:14:17,011
having this...meal.
315
00:14:19,701 --> 00:14:21,341
Thanks.
316
00:14:21,341 --> 00:14:24,341
And it's not a case of you just
sitting there with me listing
317
00:14:24,341 --> 00:14:25,931
all the things you're doing wrong.
318
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:27,011
I know.
319
00:14:27,011 --> 00:14:31,181
It's not about never loading
the dishwasher, or not replacing
320
00:14:31,181 --> 00:14:35,981
the toilet roll, or always slamming
doors, or the weird noises you make
321
00:14:35,981 --> 00:14:37,931
when you're breathing,
322
00:14:37,931 --> 00:14:41,901
or the constant scratching
all night long like a gerbil,
323
00:14:41,901 --> 00:14:44,751
or the way... Yeah, I get it.
You don't want to list them.
324
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:45,931
And I'm the same.
325
00:14:45,931 --> 00:14:48,821
I don't want to start banging
on about how you roll your knickers
326
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:51,461
on the floor when you take them
off and then just leave them there,
327
00:14:51,461 --> 00:14:53,781
like uneaten croissants
for days on end.
328
00:14:55,931 --> 00:14:57,141
Exactly.
329
00:14:58,211 --> 00:15:00,312
I want to talk about
the good things, too.
330
00:15:18,841 --> 00:15:20,081
In your own time.
331
00:15:21,591 --> 00:15:22,721
The good things?
332
00:15:24,562 --> 00:15:27,481
You're quite good at
opening jam jars.
333
00:15:27,481 --> 00:15:30,281
This is bordering on hero worship.
334
00:15:30,281 --> 00:15:33,281
And you've become very much more
careful with your toenail clippings.
335
00:15:33,281 --> 00:15:35,121
That makes a huge difference.
336
00:15:37,401 --> 00:15:41,562
But most of all, you're loving
and you're a good dad,
337
00:15:41,562 --> 00:15:43,151
and I still fancy you.
338
00:15:49,361 --> 00:15:54,281
This is about demonstrating
how strong our relationship is.
339
00:15:54,281 --> 00:15:56,001
Exactly.
340
00:15:56,001 --> 00:15:58,361
When was the last time
Anna and Toby did that?
341
00:15:58,361 --> 00:16:00,041
Years ago, probably.
342
00:16:00,041 --> 00:16:03,121
When's the last time they pushed
the food to one side and had sex
343
00:16:03,121 --> 00:16:04,562
on the dining table?
344
00:16:06,281 --> 00:16:08,641
That wasn't quite
what I had in mind.
345
00:16:08,641 --> 00:16:11,761
I could clear the table now,
if you like, and put the plates
346
00:16:11,761 --> 00:16:13,562
straight in the dishwasher...
347
00:16:14,951 --> 00:16:16,401
...on a very hot setting.
348
00:16:17,641 --> 00:16:20,121
It needs rinse aid.
And we're back in the room.
349
00:16:22,151 --> 00:16:26,766
I just think, you know,
it'd be nice way to celebrate our
350
00:16:26,766 --> 00:16:28,406
very special evening.
351
00:16:28,406 --> 00:16:32,062
Well, it would certainly be in
keeping with the rest of the night.
352
00:16:32,062 --> 00:16:35,192
You spending ages searching
for something you can't find,
353
00:16:35,192 --> 00:16:37,472
until in the end
I tell you not to bother.
354
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,582
I'll even whisper that special
thing in your ear.
355
00:16:50,423 --> 00:16:51,632
Oh, God!
356
00:16:51,632 --> 00:16:52,673
Oh!
357
00:16:55,423 --> 00:16:59,952
Oh, careful with the teal dinner
service. It's new from John Lewis.
358
00:17:02,032 --> 00:17:03,702
Mummy!
359
00:17:03,702 --> 00:17:05,472
Oh, God!
360
00:17:05,472 --> 00:17:06,862
Mummy!
361
00:17:06,862 --> 00:17:09,912
Will you lie with me
until I go to sleep?
362
00:17:09,912 --> 00:17:11,992
OK, I'm coming.
363
00:17:11,992 --> 00:17:14,342
Hang on, what are you doing?
Going up to lie with Molly.
364
00:17:14,342 --> 00:17:18,632
Oh, what about our, you know,
evening?
365
00:17:18,632 --> 00:17:20,553
I'll only be two minutes.
366
00:17:20,553 --> 00:17:22,272
Sorry, is that your line?
367
00:17:22,272 --> 00:17:23,702
Hey, hang on, hang on.
368
00:17:24,782 --> 00:17:26,693
It's not going to be two minutes,
though, is it?
369
00:17:26,693 --> 00:17:28,022
Because we've been here before.
370
00:17:28,022 --> 00:17:29,582
Molly will take ages to go to sleep
371
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,212
and you will fall asleep
next to her.
372
00:17:31,212 --> 00:17:33,212
And then I will be left
to entertain myself.
373
00:17:34,332 --> 00:17:35,692
I don't mean...
374
00:17:37,102 --> 00:17:39,492
I have to go to her.
Of course you do.
375
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,302
You don't have to lie with her,
do you?
376
00:17:41,302 --> 00:17:43,902
You can tell her to go back
to bed, and then we can carry
377
00:17:43,902 --> 00:17:45,972
on with our very special evening.
378
00:17:45,972 --> 00:17:49,022
Well, I can't just ignore
our daughter. Oh, right.
379
00:17:49,022 --> 00:17:51,772
But I'm supposed to ignore
that beep.
380
00:17:51,772 --> 00:17:54,152
Is this about not getting sex?
No.
381
00:17:54,152 --> 00:17:55,922
It's about spending an evening
382
00:17:55,922 --> 00:17:58,742
talking about our relationship
together.
383
00:18:00,132 --> 00:18:02,582
I mean, obviously, it would be
a nice way to end the evening
384
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,132
if you're still up for it.
385
00:18:05,132 --> 00:18:06,262
I won't be long.
386
00:18:06,262 --> 00:18:08,543
Here, have some more starter.
387
00:18:10,692 --> 00:18:12,902
You have some starter!
I don't want it.
388
00:18:12,902 --> 00:18:14,972
Yeah, you can dish it out,
but you can't take it.
389
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:17,543
Mummy!
390
00:18:17,543 --> 00:18:19,332
Are you coming?
391
00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:22,382
Stay here, spend some quality time
with your husband
392
00:18:22,382 --> 00:18:24,052
with no distractions
393
00:18:24,052 --> 00:18:27,462
or go up them stairs,
fall asleep next to Molly,
394
00:18:27,462 --> 00:18:29,022
and prove you're a hypocrite.
395
00:18:32,102 --> 00:18:33,252
BEEP
396
00:18:44,052 --> 00:18:47,072
Actually, maybe you should
just go up.
397
00:18:47,072 --> 00:18:48,202
No.
398
00:18:48,202 --> 00:18:49,512
It's OK.
399
00:18:49,512 --> 00:18:51,402
BEEP
400
00:18:51,402 --> 00:18:53,712
We were going to have sex
on the table, weren't we?
401
00:18:53,712 --> 00:18:54,792
BEEP
402
00:18:54,792 --> 00:18:57,563
I know, but I'm willing to be the
grown�up in this situation.
403
00:18:58,792 --> 00:19:00,942
No, I insist.
404
00:19:00,942 --> 00:19:02,492
Get your kit off.
405
00:19:05,602 --> 00:19:07,962
All right. I will.
406
00:19:09,152 --> 00:19:10,352
BEEP
407
00:19:13,683 --> 00:19:15,402
You'll never do it.
408
00:19:15,402 --> 00:19:16,632
Try me.
409
00:19:18,882 --> 00:19:21,482
Mummy, what are you doing?
410
00:19:23,322 --> 00:19:24,882
Aaah!
411
00:19:26,792 --> 00:19:28,522
What's the matter, sweetheart?
412
00:19:28,522 --> 00:19:29,712
Can't you sleep?
413
00:19:29,712 --> 00:19:31,602
I kept hearing a beeping noise.
414
00:19:31,602 --> 00:19:32,712
Just ignore it!
415
00:19:33,912 --> 00:19:35,402
Sorry.
416
00:19:35,402 --> 00:19:37,792
I mean, try and ignore it, darling.
417
00:19:37,792 --> 00:19:40,192
Then I heard you and Dad arguing.
418
00:19:40,192 --> 00:19:44,553
Well, grown�up conversations
are complicated.
419
00:19:44,553 --> 00:19:47,242
Sometimes we disagree,
and then we make up again.
420
00:19:47,242 --> 00:19:49,522
Is that why you were taking
your clothes off?
421
00:19:52,762 --> 00:19:56,322
If you want to go back down
with Dad, I'll understand, you know?
422
00:19:56,322 --> 00:20:00,122
It's important to spend time
together, just the two of you.
423
00:20:01,832 --> 00:20:03,992
You're such a lovely girl, Molly.
424
00:20:06,522 --> 00:20:08,553
But promise not to...
We weren't!
425
00:20:09,602 --> 00:20:10,832
Go on, bed.
426
00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:17,162
Actually, I will have some
more of that starter.
427
00:20:18,803 --> 00:20:19,832
BEEP
428
00:20:21,192 --> 00:20:22,803
I thought you were ignoring it.
429
00:20:22,803 --> 00:20:24,322
BEEP
430
00:20:24,322 --> 00:20:25,522
I am.
431
00:20:27,162 --> 00:20:29,553
So what are you doing up there,
looking for the dishwasher?
432
00:20:29,553 --> 00:20:30,992
BEEP
433
00:20:30,992 --> 00:20:32,242
Sorry.
434
00:20:32,242 --> 00:20:34,192
No, I'm sorry.
435
00:20:34,192 --> 00:20:37,072
Let's find out what's causing
this beep together.
436
00:20:37,072 --> 00:20:39,112
Really?
Yeah.
437
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:42,632
We're a team. And if it's
bothering you, it's bothering me.
438
00:20:42,632 --> 00:20:43,882
BEEP
439
00:20:47,553 --> 00:20:50,683
See, this is something Anna and Toby
would never do � work as a team
440
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,192
and admit when they're wrong.
441
00:20:52,192 --> 00:20:55,042
Anna's only ever admitted
to one mistake.
442
00:20:55,042 --> 00:20:57,112
What, to Toby?
Yeah.
443
00:20:57,112 --> 00:20:59,242
He's the one mistake
she's admitted to.
444
00:21:01,553 --> 00:21:04,442
I feel sorry for the poor bugger
who sat next to them on the plane.
445
00:21:04,442 --> 00:21:07,683
Yeah. Who needs a film when you can
watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
446
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,803
being acted out in real life
right next to you.
447
00:21:11,072 --> 00:21:15,602
You know, maybe Anna did us
a favour, you know, telling us
448
00:21:15,602 --> 00:21:18,042
to spend time together.
449
00:21:18,042 --> 00:21:20,442
Was it her idea to have sex
on the dining table?
450
00:21:20,442 --> 00:21:22,683
We're not having sex
on the dining table, Lee.
451
00:21:22,683 --> 00:21:25,392
Why not?
People have Ginsters pasties in bed.
452
00:21:27,752 --> 00:21:29,072
Not normal people.
453
00:21:30,392 --> 00:21:31,472
BEEP
454
00:21:31,472 --> 00:21:33,912
Come down. You're not going to
find anything up there.
455
00:21:33,912 --> 00:21:34,962
BEEP
456
00:21:37,352 --> 00:21:39,803
What's that?
What?
457
00:21:39,803 --> 00:21:43,522
On that shelf over there.
Looks like a phone.
458
00:21:43,522 --> 00:21:46,522
Well, it's not mine.
Mine's in my bag.
459
00:21:46,522 --> 00:21:49,082
It's got to be yours, Lucy,
because I've already told you,
460
00:21:49,082 --> 00:21:50,553
mine is in my bedside drawer.
461
00:21:50,553 --> 00:21:52,272
Well, why would I have two phones?
462
00:21:52,272 --> 00:21:54,632
And why would I keep the other
one up there?
463
00:21:54,632 --> 00:21:56,392
I don't know.
464
00:21:56,392 --> 00:21:58,032
You tell me.
465
00:21:58,032 --> 00:21:59,632
Sorry?
466
00:21:59,632 --> 00:22:02,322
One minute you're acting all weird
and saying that we have to chat
467
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:04,522
about us over dinner.
468
00:22:04,522 --> 00:22:06,553
Then you tell me to stop
looking up there.
469
00:22:06,553 --> 00:22:09,602
And then I find a hidden phone
up there.
470
00:22:09,602 --> 00:22:11,553
Is this audio description
for the blind
471
00:22:11,553 --> 00:22:13,882
or do you actually have a point?
472
00:22:14,962 --> 00:22:18,272
I know it isn't my phone, Lee,
so it has to be yours.
473
00:22:18,272 --> 00:22:19,602
What's up?
474
00:22:19,602 --> 00:22:21,132
Did you forget where you put it,
475
00:22:21,132 --> 00:22:23,412
and the beeping thing was an excuse
to go searching
476
00:22:23,412 --> 00:22:25,162
for it before I found it?
477
00:22:25,162 --> 00:22:29,032
If it was mine, why would
I tell you that I found it?
478
00:22:29,032 --> 00:22:30,162
Double bluff.
479
00:22:30,162 --> 00:22:32,972
Or you mentioning a double bluff
is a triple bluff.
480
00:22:32,972 --> 00:22:35,673
Or you mentioning a triple bluff
is a quadruple bluff.
481
00:22:35,673 --> 00:22:38,192
Oh, you mentioning a quadruple
bluff is a...
482
00:22:39,962 --> 00:22:41,832
What's five?
483
00:22:41,832 --> 00:22:44,553
Interesting that your other phone
has been in your drawer all night
484
00:22:44,553 --> 00:22:45,722
switched off.
485
00:22:45,722 --> 00:22:48,912
What's the matter? Worried someone
might text that one by mistake?
486
00:22:48,912 --> 00:22:51,472
Oh-ho, you've got balls.
487
00:22:51,472 --> 00:22:53,602
So? You've got man boobs.
488
00:22:54,882 --> 00:22:58,602
Styling it out, pretending
I'm the one with two phones.
489
00:22:58,602 --> 00:23:00,082
Talk about distractions.
490
00:23:00,082 --> 00:23:02,112
What's the ultimate distraction?
491
00:23:02,112 --> 00:23:04,832
Is it going insane
and having paranoid delusions?
492
00:23:04,832 --> 00:23:06,673
Oh, right, so I'm going mad now,
am 17
493
00:23:06,673 --> 00:23:08,622
That's called gas piping!
494
00:23:09,602 --> 00:23:12,082
It's gaslighting, you pillock.
495
00:23:12,082 --> 00:23:15,442
And it doesn't count when your other
half has actually lost their mind.
496
00:23:15,442 --> 00:23:16,752
I know what gaslighting is.
497
00:23:16,752 --> 00:23:19,162
It's when you go round pretending
that everything's fine,
498
00:23:19,162 --> 00:23:21,392
when it's bleedin' obvious
that everything is awful.
499
00:23:21,392 --> 00:23:22,442
Like dinner.
500
00:23:24,553 --> 00:23:26,272
Oh, I see.
501
00:23:26,272 --> 00:23:28,112
We're bringing up my cooking now,
are we?
502
00:23:28,112 --> 00:23:30,472
Well, it was hard not to bring
it up when I was eating it.
503
00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:34,553
Well, maybe it was deliberately
bad because I didn't want
504
00:23:34,553 --> 00:23:35,882
you having the calories.
505
00:23:35,882 --> 00:23:38,232
What's that supposed to mean?
What do you think it means?
506
00:23:38,232 --> 00:23:41,722
You look like you're about to go
into hibernation.
507
00:23:41,722 --> 00:23:43,112
You cheeky sod!
508
00:23:43,112 --> 00:23:45,673
You ungrateful shit!
509
00:23:45,673 --> 00:23:47,673
You two�phoned twat!
510
00:23:48,803 --> 00:23:50,832
It's not my phone!
Right!
511
00:23:50,832 --> 00:23:52,632
Well, let's find out, shall we?
512
00:23:52,632 --> 00:23:54,442
Let's have a look at it.
513
00:23:54,442 --> 00:23:55,472
Fine.
514
00:23:56,522 --> 00:23:58,442
Anything you want to tell me
before we do this?
515
00:23:58,442 --> 00:24:02,002
Yes. Stop eating Wagon Wheels
for breakfast.
516
00:24:02,002 --> 00:24:03,272
About the phone!
517
00:24:03,272 --> 00:24:04,553
No.
518
00:24:04,553 --> 00:24:06,272
Anything you want to tell me?
519
00:24:06,272 --> 00:24:09,392
Great, let's do this the hard way,
shall we?
520
00:24:15,082 --> 00:24:16,592
CREAKING
521
00:24:19,362 --> 00:24:21,162
Aah!
522
00:24:22,872 --> 00:24:24,673
Oooh!
523
00:24:24,673 --> 00:24:25,722
Ooh.
524
00:24:25,722 --> 00:24:28,262
Oh, my God, Lee! Are you OK?
525
00:24:28,262 --> 00:24:29,952
Can you sit up?
526
00:24:29,952 --> 00:24:31,673
I don't think I can move.
527
00:24:31,673 --> 00:24:33,312
Oh, God. Why?
528
00:24:33,312 --> 00:24:35,392
You're kneeling on me arm.
529
00:24:35,392 --> 00:24:37,262
Ooh. Sorry.
530
00:24:42,722 --> 00:24:45,112
Oh, God! Phone an ambulance!
531
00:24:45,112 --> 00:24:46,722
It's pasta sauce.
532
00:24:46,722 --> 00:24:48,472
Oh.
533
00:24:48,472 --> 00:24:50,472
I wondered why
I was haemorrhaging olives.
534
00:24:51,803 --> 00:24:53,952
Oh... Oh, I'm sorry.
535
00:24:55,152 --> 00:25:00,002
Oh, I don't care about the damage,
as long as you're OK.
536
00:25:00,002 --> 00:25:01,872
Promise? Yes.
537
00:25:01,872 --> 00:25:03,902
Good, cos I'm completely fine.
538
00:25:08,152 --> 00:25:10,832
You know I'm not really cheating,
don't you?
539
00:25:10,832 --> 00:25:12,442
Of course I do.
540
00:25:12,442 --> 00:25:14,112
And I'm not cheating on you.
541
00:25:14,112 --> 00:25:18,312
I know. You can't even see at Cluedo
without me finding out.
542
00:25:19,592 --> 00:25:20,642
I'm sorry...
543
00:25:21,832 --> 00:25:24,722
...for saying it was Colonel
Mustard with the lead piping.
544
00:25:24,722 --> 00:25:27,112
What about accusing me of
having an affair?
545
00:25:27,112 --> 00:25:28,512
That's what I meant.
546
00:25:29,543 --> 00:25:30,722
BEEP
547
00:25:32,872 --> 00:25:34,512
BEEP
548
00:25:34,512 --> 00:25:36,923
Well, at least we now know
what's causing the beep.
549
00:25:39,312 --> 00:25:40,722
It's Anna.
550
00:25:40,722 --> 00:25:42,543
She's texting from Toby's phone.
551
00:25:42,543 --> 00:25:44,152
This one's hers.
552
00:25:44,152 --> 00:25:46,512
So what's it doing in our kitchen?
553
00:25:46,512 --> 00:25:49,032
She must have accidentally got
it wrapped up in the tea towels
554
00:25:49,032 --> 00:25:50,432
she gave me.
555
00:25:52,392 --> 00:25:54,282
Why were the tea towels up there?
556
00:25:54,282 --> 00:25:56,072
I was saving them for best.
557
00:25:56,072 --> 00:25:58,722
Why would you have best tea towels?
558
00:25:58,722 --> 00:26:01,752
They all end up getting manky
and covered in stains anyway.
559
00:26:01,752 --> 00:26:03,392
You've got best pants.
560
00:26:05,472 --> 00:26:06,923
What does it say?
561
00:26:08,112 --> 00:26:11,362
Lucy, if you're reading this,
you've obviously found my phone.
562
00:26:11,362 --> 00:26:15,072
Toby hasn't got your number and Lee
isn't answering his, so I had no way
563
00:26:15,072 --> 00:26:17,002
of contacting you other than this.
564
00:26:17,002 --> 00:26:20,112
Sorry if my phone's been beeping
all day with work messages -
565
00:26:20,112 --> 00:26:23,232
I bet it's been driving Lee mad.
566
00:26:23,232 --> 00:26:25,562
Maybe this place is bugged.
567
00:26:25,562 --> 00:26:28,182
I feel terrible about what I said
to you, Lucy.
568
00:26:28,182 --> 00:26:30,752
I only hinted that you and Lee
had marriage problems
569
00:26:30,752 --> 00:26:32,392
because I was jealous.
570
00:26:32,392 --> 00:26:34,112
What a cow!
571
00:26:34,112 --> 00:26:35,712
I know, I'm a cow.
572
00:26:39,312 --> 00:26:42,152
You and Lee have the best
relationship in the world.
573
00:26:43,352 --> 00:26:47,002
Well, when she says things like
that, I'm glad you do listen to her.
574
00:26:51,352 --> 00:26:53,002
So now what?
575
00:26:53,002 --> 00:26:55,352
Well, dinner's a write�off.
576
00:26:56,432 --> 00:26:58,352
Shame. I bet it was lovely.
577
00:27:00,712 --> 00:27:01,923
Ugh.
578
00:27:04,432 --> 00:27:07,152
Looks like there's only
one thing for it.
579
00:27:10,642 --> 00:27:12,312
Oh, what the hell?
580
00:27:12,312 --> 00:27:14,202
Daddy!
581
00:27:17,512 --> 00:27:18,673
Coming.
582
00:27:25,462 --> 00:27:26,952
Oh...
583
00:27:31,462 --> 00:27:33,992
We're not going out
584
00:27:33,992 --> 00:27:35,842
Not staying in
585
00:27:35,842 --> 00:27:38,712
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
586
00:27:38,712 --> 00:27:41,562
But there is no need
to scream and shout
587
00:27:41,562 --> 00:27:44,842
We're not going out
588
00:27:44,842 --> 00:27:47,632
We are not going out.
589
00:27:47,682 --> 00:27:52,232
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