Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,136 --> 00:00:03,596
The following is a message
of New York Mayor
2
00:00:03,596 --> 00:00:04,943
Michael Bloomberg.
3
00:00:05,375 --> 00:00:10,731
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
4
00:00:14,676 --> 00:00:15,690
Hello.
5
00:00:16,566 --> 00:00:18,027
I'm Michael Bloomberg.
6
00:00:18,855 --> 00:00:21,914
Now, before I begin, I hope you
have all recovered from the
7
00:00:21,914 --> 00:00:25,292
traumatic, leaf-rustling
earthquake that hit New York
8
00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:26,485
this July.
9
00:00:27,743 --> 00:00:31,461
Also, I'd like the apologize for
all the Hurricane Irene hysteria
10
00:00:31,461 --> 00:00:35,212
this summer, but since you're
such bitches about the snowstorm
11
00:00:35,212 --> 00:00:38,349
last year, you left me
with little choice.
12
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:43,337
Tonight I went to address the
demonstrations currently taking
13
00:00:43,337 --> 00:00:46,169
place in Lower Manhattan
and what is being called
14
00:00:46,806 --> 00:00:48,299
Occupy Wall Street.
15
00:00:49,334 --> 00:00:52,723
While these protests began here
in New York, they have spread to
16
00:00:52,723 --> 00:00:56,119
dozens of other cities
throughout the globe, proving
17
00:00:56,119 --> 00:00:59,481
once again that New York sets
the trends and
18
00:00:59,481 --> 00:01:01,315
the rest of the world follows.
19
00:01:04,949 --> 00:01:06,737
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
20
00:01:09,663 --> 00:01:11,447
So with all due respect to
21
00:01:11,447 --> 00:01:16,753
Chicago, Los Angeles and London,
if you're looking to vent your
22
00:01:16,753 --> 00:01:20,773
rage at the system, where the
richest 1% controls 40% of the
23
00:01:20,773 --> 00:01:24,916
planet's wealth, there is no
better time and no better place
24
00:01:25,282 --> 00:01:26,827
than autumn in New York.
25
00:01:30,293 --> 00:01:33,572
The weather here has been
absolutely gorgeous and while
26
00:01:33,572 --> 00:01:37,653
you're in town why not cap all a
day of protests with dinner at
27
00:01:37,653 --> 00:01:40,966
one of New York's many
world-class restaurants?
28
00:01:42,757 --> 00:01:45,752
Or take in a Broadway show like
"Marry Poppins."
29
00:01:46,409 --> 00:01:48,672
Currently at the New
Amsterdam Theater.
30
00:01:49,946 --> 00:01:53,075
Whatever you may have heard, I
want to make demonstrators as
31
00:01:53,075 --> 00:01:55,360
welcome and as
comfortable as possible.
32
00:01:56,624 --> 00:01:59,610
Yes, sometimes things do not go
as planned.
33
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:03,301
This week, my office had
arranged to clear the park of
34
00:02:03,301 --> 00:02:06,905
protesters so the area could be
power washed.
35
00:02:07,548 --> 00:02:11,886
The protesters became upset and
some went so far as to suggest
36
00:02:12,243 --> 00:02:16,420
that the power washing was simply
a ruse to break up the demonstration.
37
00:02:16,861 --> 00:02:17,941
Nonsense.
38
00:02:18,441 --> 00:02:22,497
As all New Yorkers know, various
parts of the city are routinely
39
00:02:22,497 --> 00:02:23,859
power washed.
40
00:02:28,634 --> 00:02:32,274
Power washing is a New York
institution and without it the
41
00:02:32,637 --> 00:02:34,777
Big Apple would lose its
reputation as the world's
42
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:37,889
cleanest and most thoroughly sanitized city �
43
00:02:40,152 --> 00:02:43,368
with streets, as the saying goes, "you can eat off!"
44
00:02:46,045 --> 00:02:49,416
Now, even though we have gone to
great lengths to make them feel
45
00:02:49,416 --> 00:02:52,786
welcome, there have regrettably
been some clashes between the
46
00:02:52,786 --> 00:02:54,754
protesters and law enforcement.
47
00:02:54,997 --> 00:02:57,825
Several demonstrators have even
been pepper sprayed.
48
00:02:58,286 --> 00:03:01,384
Although they're isolated
incidents, on behalf of the city
49
00:03:01,384 --> 00:03:05,332
I would like to apologize and
make one thing absolutely clear.
50
00:03:06,093 --> 00:03:11,283
All pepper spray used was
made from 100% pure extract
51
00:03:12,071 --> 00:03:16,578
without any added oil or transfats
and was completely salt free.
52
00:03:18,772 --> 00:03:21,786
Now, for the protesters down
on Wall Street, let me say
53
00:03:21,786 --> 00:03:23,392
something from the heart.
54
00:03:23,392 --> 00:03:26,573
The message of the Occupy Wall
Street movement should not be
55
00:03:26,573 --> 00:03:27,699
trivialized.
56
00:03:27,987 --> 00:03:32,006
The wealthiest 1% of the nation
continues to profit outrageously
57
00:03:32,006 --> 00:03:34,024
at the expense of the 99%.
58
00:03:34,701 --> 00:03:38,230
Ordinary people are angry at
those on top and I can well
59
00:03:38,230 --> 00:03:41,183
understand why they would occupy
their places of businesses and
60
00:03:41,183 --> 00:03:44,330
even demonstrate outside their
homes, but here
61
00:03:44,330 --> 00:03:46,258
I'd like to point out something.
62
00:03:46,523 --> 00:03:50,368
Despite what you may have heard,
I'm not really all that rich.
63
00:03:51,971 --> 00:03:55,230
In fact, there are several
individuals living right here in
64
00:03:55,230 --> 00:03:57,690
New York who are far wealthier
than myself.
65
00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:01,626
People like Hedge Fund
Billionaire George Soros, who
66
00:04:02,049 --> 00:04:04,791
lives at 85th street and 5th
avenue.
67
00:04:06,876 --> 00:04:10,280
Or Jamie Diamond,
CEO of JP Morgan CHASE,
68
00:04:10,871 --> 00:04:13,287
Whose townhouse
I believe is on Madison
69
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,218
between 73rd and 74th.
70
00:04:17,138 --> 00:04:18,453
On the left side.
71
00:04:21,413 --> 00:04:25,046
And for protesters who are also
Yankee fans, angry at the team's
72
00:04:25,046 --> 00:04:28,918
embarrassing loss to Detroit,
Alex Rodriguez has a penthouse
73
00:04:28,918 --> 00:04:30,345
at Trump Tower.
74
00:04:32,185 --> 00:04:35,124
Technically I might be richer
than A-Rod, but I think we can
75
00:04:35,124 --> 00:04:37,499
all agree he has done
less to earn it.
76
00:04:40,653 --> 00:04:42,747
[ APPLAUSE ]
77
00:04:46,269 --> 00:04:47,866
My point is this.
78
00:04:47,866 --> 00:04:50,195
Occupy Wall Street,
I'm on your side.
79
00:04:50,195 --> 00:04:52,738
Come to New York and let
your voice be heard.
80
00:04:52,738 --> 00:04:56,332
You'll be treated with dignity
and respect by the city and the
81
00:04:56,332 --> 00:04:57,309
police.
82
00:04:57,533 --> 00:04:58,894
With one caveat.
83
00:04:59,589 --> 00:05:03,108
The second, and I mean the
second, I see a demonstrator
84
00:05:03,108 --> 00:05:05,977
lighting up a cigarette,
we're moving in.
85
00:05:08,017 --> 00:05:11,388
The batons will come out and the
badge numbers will come off and
86
00:05:11,604 --> 00:05:15,162
if you think I'm joking, go
ahead, make my day.
87
00:05:16,766 --> 00:05:19,367
Thank you for listening
and Live from New York,
88
00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:20,778
it's Saturday Night!
89
00:07:08,933 --> 00:07:12,817
Ladies and gentlemen,
Anna Faris.
90
00:07:34,419 --> 00:07:35,729
Hi.
91
00:07:37,389 --> 00:07:38,703
Thank you.
92
00:07:38,703 --> 00:07:40,215
Thank you guys.
93
00:07:40,215 --> 00:07:41,648
Thank you.
94
00:07:41,648 --> 00:07:43,409
Thank you so much.
95
00:07:43,681 --> 00:07:46,412
It is great to be hosting
"Saturday Night Live's
96
00:07:46,412 --> 00:07:47,813
Halloween Show."
97
00:07:47,813 --> 00:07:51,918
You know, a lot of girls will
dress up as sexy kittens for
98
00:07:51,918 --> 00:07:54,399
halloween but, you know,
I hate that stuff.
99
00:07:54,399 --> 00:07:58,005
So I'm going to go with the
opposite of the sexy kitten.
100
00:07:58,954 --> 00:08:00,565
An old sick horse.
101
00:08:01,610 --> 00:08:02,962
Yeah.
102
00:08:03,886 --> 00:08:06,384
This is actually
my second hosting.
103
00:08:06,766 --> 00:08:09,920
The first time I was really
nervous but, you know, now I'm
104
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:12,302
totally comfortable
and confident.
105
00:08:12,302 --> 00:08:15,304
So, I thought I'd
take some questions.
106
00:08:16,045 --> 00:08:17,829
So, this is going to be fun.
107
00:08:17,829 --> 00:08:19,316
Ah, yes, you.
108
00:08:19,608 --> 00:08:24,627
Yeah. The economic crisis in Greece,
is the problem fiscal or cultural?
109
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:31,295
Um, yeah. I was hoping we could
talk about something a little more fun.
110
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:34,872
What's more fun than discussing
the collapse of the euro zone?
111
00:08:34,872 --> 00:08:36,184
I mean...
112
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:39,831
Okay.
Sure.
113
00:08:39,831 --> 00:08:42,573
I just meant something a little
more lighthearted.
114
00:08:43,301 --> 00:08:46,450
Hey, how about you, girlfriend?
What you gossiping about?
115
00:08:46,450 --> 00:08:47,877
Okay.
116
00:08:47,877 --> 00:08:51,456
If you have to pick which of the
world's religions would you say
117
00:08:51,456 --> 00:08:52,787
is the right one?
118
00:08:55,596 --> 00:08:56,676
Oh.
119
00:08:57,794 --> 00:09:00,655
That seems like something
I should not answer.
120
00:09:00,655 --> 00:09:02,640
Come on, guys.
Think fun.
121
00:09:02,903 --> 00:09:05,024
Like we're at a
girlie sleep over.
122
00:09:05,297 --> 00:09:06,771
Oh, how about you?
123
00:09:10,264 --> 00:09:15,366
At these sleepovers, what are
you wearing when you practice
124
00:09:15,366 --> 00:09:16,756
kiss each other?
125
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:18,973
I mean, you know what?
126
00:09:18,973 --> 00:09:21,281
Let's forget the whole
sleep over thing.
127
00:09:21,281 --> 00:09:22,404
Too late.
128
00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:28,206
You know, I don't really feel
comfortable with anyone here.
129
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:31,623
What about me?
130
00:09:33,601 --> 00:09:34,736
Oh.
131
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,587
I love your dress.
132
00:09:36,587 --> 00:09:37,145
Oh.
133
00:09:37,145 --> 00:09:38,501
I love yours!
134
00:09:39,582 --> 00:09:40,492
Oh, wait.
135
00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:41,667
Who are you?
136
00:09:41,922 --> 00:09:43,145
I'm Hannah.
137
00:09:43,418 --> 00:09:44,606
Hannah Garis.
138
00:09:46,189 --> 00:09:47,642
I love your name!
139
00:09:47,642 --> 00:09:49,207
Where did you get it?
140
00:09:49,708 --> 00:09:50,931
My parents.
141
00:09:51,915 --> 00:09:52,927
Me, too!
142
00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:55,930
Spooky.
Spooky!
143
00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:06,416
Let's go talk about cute boys.
144
00:10:06,416 --> 00:10:08,420
You have to start the show?
145
00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:09,579
Oh, yeah.
146
00:10:09,869 --> 00:10:10,872
Okay.
147
00:10:10,872 --> 00:10:13,626
Well, we have a great
show for you tonight.
148
00:10:13,872 --> 00:10:15,072
Drake is here.
149
00:10:30,599 --> 00:10:32,640
"The Manuel Ortiz Show."
150
00:10:36,873 --> 00:10:38,787
Hola.
And welcome to my show.
151
00:10:38,787 --> 00:10:41,926
I'm Manuel Ortiz and here to
help you with whatever you're
152
00:10:41,926 --> 00:10:43,027
going through.
153
00:10:43,027 --> 00:10:45,103
If I cannot, I'm
very, very sorry.
154
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,366
We have a big surprise
for our first guest.
155
00:10:47,366 --> 00:10:49,345
Please welcome
Cassandra Jimenez.
156
00:10:59,016 --> 00:11:00,221
Hola, Cassandra.
157
00:11:00,221 --> 00:11:01,301
Hola Manuel.
158
00:11:01,301 --> 00:11:03,046
Do you know why you're here?
159
00:11:03,046 --> 00:11:06,358
I'm here for a makeover
because my hair needs more
160
00:11:06,358 --> 00:11:07,502
crunchy curl.
161
00:11:08,473 --> 00:11:10,900
Your mother has a secret she
wants to share.
162
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,353
Do you want to hear it?
163
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:16,429
I do not but it will be
good the see my mother.
164
00:11:17,150 --> 00:11:19,367
Please welcome senora
Briana Espinar
165
00:11:29,582 --> 00:11:30,656
Hola, senora.
166
00:11:30,656 --> 00:11:31,395
Hola.
167
00:11:31,395 --> 00:11:32,908
Say, what is your big secret?
168
00:11:32,908 --> 00:11:34,753
My daughter's husband is
cheating on her.
169
00:11:34,753 --> 00:11:35,600
How do you know this?
170
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,245
I've seen the sexting
on his cell phone.
171
00:11:37,245 --> 00:11:38,108
Oy.
172
00:11:38,108 --> 00:11:39,384
Let's bring him out now.
173
00:11:39,384 --> 00:11:41,108
Please welcome Oscar Jimenez.
174
00:11:47,258 --> 00:11:50,231
[ APPLAUSE ]
175
00:11:55,625 --> 00:11:58,000
Manuel, it's good to see you
in person.
176
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,979
You may change your mind
about that.
177
00:11:59,979 --> 00:12:01,399
If I do, I will.
178
00:12:01,399 --> 00:12:04,037
Your stepmother says
you have been sexting.
179
00:12:04,037 --> 00:12:04,938
No way.
180
00:12:04,938 --> 00:12:06,840
The text is not
included in my bundle.
181
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,204
He lies! He cheats with women!
182
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:10,929
She's **
183
00:12:11,371 --> 00:12:15,348
Also we used a sexy decoy, and caught
you cheating on hidden camera.
184
00:12:15,348 --> 00:12:16,215
No.
185
00:12:16,215 --> 00:12:17,487
Let's roll it.
186
00:12:19,050 --> 00:12:19,949
Quieres plantanos?
187
00:12:19,949 --> 00:12:20,449
Si
188
00:12:21,676 --> 00:12:23,086
Do you want to cheat with me?
189
00:12:23,086 --> 00:12:25,188
Si, I would like
to cheat with you.
190
00:12:25,188 --> 00:12:26,822
Hey! Look at the hidden camera.
191
00:12:26,822 --> 00:12:27,757
Where?
192
00:12:27,757 --> 00:12:28,561
Oh.
193
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,134
What did you think of
yourself now?
194
00:12:38,134 --> 00:12:42,476
- I look good.
- Let's bring out our sexy decoy, Maria Montoya.
195
00:12:51,973 --> 00:12:53,553
Hola, Manuel.
196
00:12:53,553 --> 00:12:55,923
This was a fun job for me.
197
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,655
So, what kind of things
did he say to you?
198
00:12:58,655 --> 00:13:02,187
He said he wanted me to touch
his tomatillos.
199
00:13:04,306 --> 00:13:06,058
I don't know if we can say
that on broadcast television.
200
00:13:06,058 --> 00:13:08,441
Let me check with our censor.
Please welcome, Benny.
201
00:13:12,201 --> 00:13:13,244
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
202
00:13:13,244 --> 00:13:16,503
So, "touch his tomatillos"
is this too racy for TV?
203
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:21,205
Si, si, maybe you just say tickle his
tiny coconuts instead.
204
00:13:22,072 --> 00:13:23,583
Okay. Very well, my friend.
Gracias.
205
00:13:30,783 --> 00:13:32,524
So, Maria, what else did you
find out about Oscar?
206
00:13:32,524 --> 00:13:36,962
Oscar's trying to make the
child with another woman.
207
00:13:36,962 --> 00:13:37,896
You lie.
208
00:13:37,896 --> 00:13:39,566
I don't lie. I am an actress.
209
00:13:39,566 --> 00:13:40,966
And he is a dog.
210
00:13:40,966 --> 00:13:42,726
Not a dog. I am a man.
211
00:13:43,393 --> 00:13:44,669
You are dead to me.
212
00:13:44,669 --> 00:13:45,837
Here she is.
213
00:13:45,837 --> 00:13:48,075
Please welcome Gabriella
Molina Montoya Gutierrez.
214
00:13:55,069 --> 00:13:57,974
[ APPLAUSE ]
215
00:13:59,541 --> 00:14:01,851
Hola, Oscar. Are you surprised?
216
00:14:01,851 --> 00:14:03,620
I am. To a certain point.
217
00:14:03,620 --> 00:14:05,388
Gabriella, there's something
you want Oscar to know?
218
00:14:05,388 --> 00:14:08,258
Si.
I am not what he thinks I am.
219
00:14:08,258 --> 00:14:10,262
You are not from
Santo Domingo area?
220
00:14:10,262 --> 00:14:12,300
I am a man under this wig.
221
00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:13,525
Ow.
222
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,003
[ BUZZER ]
223
00:14:17,227 --> 00:14:19,138
Okay, this is a fire alarm.
Do not panic. This is a drill.
224
00:14:19,138 --> 00:14:22,163
Okay, we have to get out in an
orderly fashion.
225
00:14:22,399 --> 00:14:23,075
We go.
226
00:14:23,075 --> 00:14:23,875
Okay.
227
00:14:23,875 --> 00:14:25,744
Let's go.
228
00:14:56,610 --> 00:14:57,914
You're watching Lifetime.
229
00:14:58,253 --> 00:15:01,227
Television for women,
white women.
230
00:15:01,227 --> 00:15:04,198
And now from the creators of
Lifetime original movies like,
231
00:15:04,198 --> 00:15:08,702
"What Did Becky See" And "Where
Does Brenda Go At Night", comes
232
00:15:08,702 --> 00:15:11,272
the first Lifetime Original Game
Show.
233
00:15:11,272 --> 00:15:12,976
It's time to play...
234
00:15:12,976 --> 00:15:17,002
"What's Wrong With Tanya."
235
00:15:17,769 --> 00:15:19,447
And here's your host, Vince
Blake.
236
00:15:19,447 --> 00:15:23,351
Thank you and welcome to
"What's Wrong With Tanya," the
237
00:15:23,351 --> 00:15:26,454
game show where mothers from
Lifetime original movies try and
238
00:15:26,454 --> 00:15:28,089
guess what's wrong with
Beautiful daughter Tanya.
239
00:15:28,089 --> 00:15:30,058
Let's meet our contestants.
240
00:15:30,058 --> 00:15:31,659
First up from Pleasant Grove,
Mary Jo Williams.
241
00:15:31,659 --> 00:15:32,894
Hello.
242
00:15:32,894 --> 00:15:36,297
Says here you and your family
live in a quiet town on a quiet
243
00:15:36,297 --> 00:15:37,432
street.
244
00:15:37,432 --> 00:15:39,634
Nothing bad could
ever happen to us.
245
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:42,503
Or so it would seem.
246
00:15:42,503 --> 00:15:47,308
Next up, from Pleasant Falls,
Jobeth Anderson.
247
00:15:47,308 --> 00:15:48,776
Says here your new husband has a
locked drawer in the office that
248
00:15:48,776 --> 00:15:51,079
you're not allowed to open.
249
00:15:51,079 --> 00:15:52,213
It's none of my business.
250
00:15:52,213 --> 00:15:55,449
Finally, from Pleasant Town,
Mary Jo Beth Jo-Jo.
251
00:15:55,449 --> 00:15:58,286
Says here that you have the
perfect life.
252
00:15:59,111 --> 00:16:01,890
Perfect from the outside.
253
00:16:03,515 --> 00:16:04,859
Yikes!
254
00:16:05,184 --> 00:16:07,061
Okay. Let's go over the rules.
255
00:16:07,639 --> 00:16:09,791
A Lifetime movie Tanya
will walk out and you'll
256
00:16:09,791 --> 00:16:11,838
have 15 seconds to guess
what's wrong with her.
257
00:16:12,628 --> 00:16:13,673
There's nothing wrong with her!
258
00:16:14,499 --> 00:16:18,119
Yes, there is.
259
00:16:18,598 --> 00:16:19,307
All right.
260
00:16:19,307 --> 00:16:21,309
Let's bring out our first Tanya.
261
00:16:24,604 --> 00:16:25,613
All right.
262
00:16:25,613 --> 00:16:30,218
Mothers, what is wrong with...
Tanya?
263
00:16:30,218 --> 00:16:32,043
Tanya?
264
00:16:32,645 --> 00:16:33,354
Show me your eyes, Tanya.
265
00:16:33,354 --> 00:16:34,188
Over here!
266
00:16:34,188 --> 00:16:34,789
Over here!
267
00:16:34,789 --> 00:16:35,964
Look at me.
268
00:16:36,244 --> 00:16:38,430
[ BUZZER ] Mary Beth Jo-Jo.
269
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:41,464
Tanya, you have been going to
those parties where girls do
270
00:16:41,464 --> 00:16:42,932
oral sex for bracelets.
271
00:16:42,932 --> 00:16:44,867
[ DING ] That's right.
272
00:16:44,867 --> 00:16:46,142
That's right.
273
00:16:46,793 --> 00:16:48,603
She goes to those parties which
are a real thing.
274
00:16:48,603 --> 00:16:50,439
Good work, Mary Jo.
275
00:16:50,439 --> 00:16:53,014
You won a Volvo filled
with groceries.
276
00:16:53,401 --> 00:16:55,011
Let's bring out our next Tanya.
277
00:17:01,742 --> 00:17:03,118
But it can want happen to a boy.
278
00:17:03,343 --> 00:17:05,155
So you thought.
279
00:17:05,155 --> 00:17:07,382
What's wrong with boy Tanya?
280
00:17:07,382 --> 00:17:10,359
Tanya? Tanya?
281
00:17:10,984 --> 00:17:13,688
Boy Tanya? Tanya?
282
00:17:14,455 --> 00:17:15,465
Mary Jo Williams.
283
00:17:15,465 --> 00:17:17,626
You're a secret stripper.
284
00:17:17,992 --> 00:17:18,642
No.
285
00:17:19,692 --> 00:17:21,336
Tanya, you're pregnant.
286
00:17:21,336 --> 00:17:22,471
What?
287
00:17:22,471 --> 00:17:23,296
No!
288
00:17:23,963 --> 00:17:25,106
Come on.
289
00:17:25,526 --> 00:17:27,849
Tanya, your english teacher
caught you cheating so he made
290
00:17:28,317 --> 00:17:30,535
you take naked pictures and it's online and it's giving
291
00:17:30,743 --> 00:17:32,654
you an eating disorder, and also you can't read.
292
00:17:35,508 --> 00:17:38,653
Mary Beth Jo-Jo.
293
00:17:38,653 --> 00:17:40,646
You are in lead.
294
00:17:41,214 --> 00:17:45,727
You move to our lightning round.
295
00:17:45,727 --> 00:17:47,262
You may watch the rest of the
game while you pretend to rake
296
00:17:47,262 --> 00:17:48,763
leaves.
297
00:17:51,891 --> 00:17:53,968
All right.
Get you on your Mark here.
298
00:17:53,968 --> 00:17:56,037
Oh, you're hurting my arm.
299
00:17:56,037 --> 00:17:58,012
Who's going to believe you?
300
00:18:05,772 --> 00:18:09,617
Now, in this round, I'll say
something Tanya's doing and you
301
00:18:09,617 --> 00:18:11,352
either say yes or you scream no.
302
00:18:11,352 --> 00:18:12,887
Let's get 20 seconds on the clock.
303
00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:16,079
Tanya's back on the swim team.
304
00:18:16,079 --> 00:18:17,440
Yes.
305
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,460
The girls at school are
saying Tonya is easy.
306
00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:20,495
No!
307
00:18:20,495 --> 00:18:21,329
[ DING ]
308
00:18:21,329 --> 00:18:23,232
She has bruises on the
shoulders.
309
00:18:23,232 --> 00:18:24,299
Tanya!
310
00:18:24,299 --> 00:18:25,300
Judges?
311
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:26,325
[ DING ]
312
00:18:28,344 --> 00:18:29,703
Tanya had a baby at prom.
313
00:18:29,703 --> 00:18:30,503
No!
314
00:18:30,503 --> 00:18:31,139
[ DING ]
315
00:18:31,139 --> 00:18:31,739
She named the baby Tanya.
316
00:18:31,739 --> 00:18:32,564
Yes.
317
00:18:32,832 --> 00:18:35,344
[ DING ] Congrats,
Mary Jo Beth Jo-Jo, you won
318
00:18:35,344 --> 00:18:37,719
everything a woman could ever want.
319
00:18:38,525 --> 00:18:41,180
But what happened to Tanya?
320
00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:42,648
She died.
321
00:18:42,648 --> 00:18:45,484
Oh. Well, thanks for having me.
322
00:18:45,484 --> 00:18:46,919
You're not going anywhere.
323
00:18:46,919 --> 00:18:48,913
You'll never leave me.
324
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,215
That's our show!
325
00:18:51,482 --> 00:18:53,893
Stay tuned for the Lifetime
original comedy "Weekend at
326
00:18:53,893 --> 00:18:56,529
Meredith Baxter Bernie's."
Thank you.
327
00:18:56,529 --> 00:18:59,554
[ APPLAUSE ]
328
00:19:03,829 --> 00:19:07,235
And now, a brief interview
with Drake.
329
00:19:11,002 --> 00:19:13,513
Good evening and welcome to a
very brief interview.
330
00:19:13,513 --> 00:19:16,618
I'm joined this evening by
international phenomenon,
331
00:19:16,618 --> 00:19:21,020
Singer, rapper, and actor Drake.
332
00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:22,389
Drake, how are you?
333
00:19:22,389 --> 00:19:23,791
Man, I am, I'm just...
334
00:19:23,791 --> 00:19:26,861
this has been a brief
interview with Drake.
335
00:19:26,861 --> 00:19:30,488
And now, an extremely close
interview with Drake.
336
00:19:30,854 --> 00:19:32,098
Good evening.
337
00:19:32,098 --> 00:19:33,766
I'm joined tonight by Singer,
rapper, Drake.
338
00:19:33,766 --> 00:19:35,201
Drake, how are you?
339
00:19:35,201 --> 00:19:38,169
I'm good, man. Can you see me?
340
00:19:38,169 --> 00:19:40,072
Oh, yeah. We can see you
loud and clear, Buddy.
341
00:19:40,072 --> 00:19:42,541
Just seems like the
cameras are really close.
342
00:19:42,541 --> 00:19:44,777
No. This is how we do it.
Totally normal.
343
00:19:44,777 --> 00:19:46,778
Well, can we at least show
my album Cover? Please.
344
00:19:46,778 --> 00:19:48,214
You got it.
Here it is right here.
345
00:19:48,214 --> 00:19:51,718
- Are you seeing that?
- Yeah, I don't think...
346
00:19:51,718 --> 00:19:55,780
and now an EXTREMELY
sarcastic interview with Drake.
347
00:19:56,046 --> 00:19:57,491
Good evening.
348
00:19:57,491 --> 00:19:59,892
I'm joined by musician Drake.
349
00:19:59,892 --> 00:20:01,729
Drake, how are you?
350
00:20:01,729 --> 00:20:03,697
I'm... I'm good, I guess.
351
00:20:03,697 --> 00:20:06,999
And now a racist
interview with Drake.
352
00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:09,003
- So Drake... - Don't do it.
- Yeah. - Not worth it.
353
00:20:09,003 --> 00:20:12,408
And now a wordless
deduction of Drake.
354
00:20:17,737 --> 00:20:20,637
[ LAUGHTER ]
355
00:20:27,178 --> 00:20:28,587
I don't... I don't like men.
356
00:20:28,587 --> 00:20:30,162
Oh, no. Me neither.
357
00:20:30,514 --> 00:20:32,148
And now a quick word
from our sponsor.
358
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:33,582
Hi!
359
00:20:33,784 --> 00:20:35,295
Okay. That's just our sponsor.
360
00:20:35,295 --> 00:20:38,732
She pays for the show so...
I have sex with her.
361
00:20:38,732 --> 00:20:42,894
And now, a matching sweaters
interview with Drake.
362
00:20:43,161 --> 00:20:46,061
[ LAUGHTER ]
363
00:20:47,310 --> 00:20:50,149
And now, a horribly dubbed
interview with Drake.
364
00:20:51,127 --> 00:20:53,206
So, Drake, what's your
favorite track off the new
365
00:20:53,437 --> 00:20:53,891
record?
366
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:56,033
Oh, well, I'm Drake.
367
00:20:58,475 --> 00:21:01,706
Although, I'm a person doing
rap and stuff, you know.
368
00:21:02,357 --> 00:21:05,550
I have a little
doggy that I love.
369
00:21:06,436 --> 00:21:07,011
Oh, interesting.
370
00:21:07,274 --> 00:21:10,383
And now, an extremely dark
interview with Drake.
371
00:21:10,765 --> 00:21:11,432
Hello.
372
00:21:11,432 --> 00:21:12,934
Thanks for being here, Drake.
373
00:21:12,934 --> 00:21:13,801
Come on, man.
374
00:21:13,801 --> 00:21:16,571
Quit... I can't even see
[ BLEEP] right now.
375
00:21:16,571 --> 00:21:18,697
Dra-ake.
376
00:21:19,463 --> 00:21:20,798
Who said that?
377
00:21:21,865 --> 00:21:23,115
[ EERIE MUSIC ]
378
00:21:23,534 --> 00:21:24,870
Hello!
379
00:21:26,337 --> 00:21:27,909
Hello?
380
00:21:30,176 --> 00:21:33,755
Happy Halloween!
381
00:21:33,755 --> 00:21:35,530
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
382
00:22:00,577 --> 00:22:03,661
You're watching Marriott TV,
the in-room guide to everything
383
00:22:03,661 --> 00:22:05,663
our hotel has to offer.
384
00:22:05,663 --> 00:22:09,366
Up next, live from Conference
room 5 in the Cedar Falls
385
00:22:09,366 --> 00:22:13,070
Ccourtyard Marriott, it's yet
another GOP debate.
386
00:22:13,904 --> 00:22:15,072
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
387
00:22:15,072 --> 00:22:16,443
Hello.
388
00:22:16,443 --> 00:22:18,978
I'm Sandy Schaub
from Marriott TV.
389
00:22:18,978 --> 00:22:22,714
Welcome to the second of
two GOP debates this week,
390
00:22:22,714 --> 00:22:26,685
the first of which was televised by
Bloomberg TV, while tonight's debate
391
00:22:26,685 --> 00:22:30,756
takes place on the only channel
people tune in to less.
392
00:22:30,756 --> 00:22:32,424
As a reminder to the candidates,
no one is watching,
393
00:22:32,424 --> 00:22:34,184
so the stakes are low.
394
00:22:34,551 --> 00:22:38,295
We have rearranged the seating
from past debates based on the
395
00:22:38,295 --> 00:22:40,931
most recent polling results, and
therefore, the likelihood of
396
00:22:40,931 --> 00:22:43,800
each candidate winning the
nomination.
397
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,937
In the center, the new Leader in
the polls, Herman Cain.
398
00:22:46,937 --> 00:22:48,962
I'm as surprised as you are.
399
00:22:50,767 --> 00:22:53,036
Next to him is former
Governor Mitt Romney.
400
00:22:54,502 --> 00:22:56,346
Herman Cain, you guys are
killing me.
401
00:22:56,346 --> 00:22:58,348
[ LAUGHTER ]
402
00:22:58,348 --> 00:23:02,619
Three seats over in a chair
facing the wall, the fading
403
00:23:02,619 --> 00:23:04,044
Rick Perry.
404
00:23:07,151 --> 00:23:11,164
In a locked janitor's closet is
congresswoman Michele Bachmann
405
00:23:11,164 --> 00:23:13,889
and curio of a bygone
era, Newt Gingrich.
406
00:23:16,759 --> 00:23:20,534
Out in the parking garage, it's
Texas congressman Ron Paul.
407
00:23:25,101 --> 00:23:27,014
And live from a crowded
gay bar in the Castro
408
00:23:27,014 --> 00:23:29,709
District of San Francisco, Rick Santorum.
409
00:23:32,062 --> 00:23:33,665
Very funny!
410
00:23:34,645 --> 00:23:38,124
And Jon Huntsman couldn't be
here tonight because we gave him
411
00:23:38,124 --> 00:23:40,199
the wrong address on purpose.
412
00:23:41,351 --> 00:23:42,860
We begin with Governor Romney.
413
00:23:42,860 --> 00:23:44,295
Governor, on Monday, you
received an endorsement from
414
00:23:44,295 --> 00:23:46,564
Chris Christie.
415
00:23:46,564 --> 00:23:49,366
Then you outperformed your
opponents at Tuesday's debate.
416
00:23:49,366 --> 00:23:51,968
Yet the newest polls show you
trailing Herman Cain by as many
417
00:23:51,968 --> 00:23:53,337
as 15 points.
418
00:23:53,337 --> 00:23:54,538
Yes.
419
00:23:54,538 --> 00:23:57,842
When are you going to accept
that Republicans just don't like
420
00:23:57,842 --> 00:23:59,267
you?
421
00:23:59,267 --> 00:24:00,444
Look.
422
00:24:00,444 --> 00:24:02,482
I don't think they dislike me.
423
00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:05,551
I just think they want to
exhaust their options.
424
00:24:05,551 --> 00:24:07,586
I understand that before anyone
goes home with Mitt Romney,
425
00:24:07,586 --> 00:24:12,058
they're going to take one last
lap around the bar to see who's
426
00:24:12,058 --> 00:24:14,133
there, anyone better than me.
427
00:24:14,133 --> 00:24:15,426
And I'm okay with that.
428
00:24:15,426 --> 00:24:16,260
Go.
429
00:24:16,260 --> 00:24:17,128
Go, sow your oats.
430
00:24:17,128 --> 00:24:19,130
I will wait for you.
431
00:24:19,130 --> 00:24:22,233
You be Jenny and I'll
be your Forrest Gump.
432
00:24:22,233 --> 00:24:26,239
Be with as many guys as you want
and I will be here still running
433
00:24:26,239 --> 00:24:29,643
around the country like an idiot
until you can come home so I can
434
00:24:29,643 --> 00:24:31,505
watch you die.
435
00:24:34,072 --> 00:24:36,216
I should have left off
that last part, I guess.
436
00:24:36,216 --> 00:24:38,019
Herman Cain?
437
00:24:38,019 --> 00:24:39,253
Yes.
438
00:24:39,253 --> 00:24:42,055
With your rise in the polls,
many are taking a closer look at
439
00:24:42,055 --> 00:24:44,956
your 999 tax plan, and most
economists agree It's an
440
00:24:44,956 --> 00:24:47,758
oversimplified, unworkable
solution to a complicated
441
00:24:47,758 --> 00:24:49,860
financial situation.
442
00:24:49,860 --> 00:24:51,795
Well, let me explain.
443
00:24:51,795 --> 00:24:56,666
I never thought that I would
be taken seriously, so I never
444
00:24:56,666 --> 00:25:01,504
thought that anyone
would look at it.
445
00:25:01,504 --> 00:25:05,742
The original goal of the 999
plan was to get me a show on Fox
446
00:25:05,742 --> 00:25:08,267
News at 9:00.
447
00:25:08,931 --> 00:25:12,348
But if America is looking for
catchy, unworkable solutions to
448
00:25:12,348 --> 00:25:16,052
complicated problems, Herman
Cain will keep them coming.
449
00:25:16,052 --> 00:25:17,754
How do we fight terrorism?
450
00:25:17,754 --> 00:25:20,590
My 555 plan.
451
00:25:20,590 --> 00:25:23,426
For every terrorist, America
will send five airplanes, five
452
00:25:23,426 --> 00:25:26,262
soldiers and five of those dogs
that caught Osama bin laden.
453
00:25:26,262 --> 00:25:27,697
How we fix health care?
454
00:25:27,697 --> 00:25:29,399
The 333 plan.
455
00:25:29,399 --> 00:25:32,302
Every time you get sick, you get
three pills, three days off, and
456
00:25:32,302 --> 00:25:34,236
three chicken noodle soups.
457
00:25:34,236 --> 00:25:36,273
[ LAUGHTER ]
458
00:25:36,273 --> 00:25:37,775
Having trouble getting
to the airport?
459
00:25:37,775 --> 00:25:39,922
Dial 777 for a car or
limousine.
460
00:25:41,103 --> 00:25:42,645
Don't hassle with a cab.
461
00:25:42,645 --> 00:25:44,641
Vote Herman Cain.
462
00:25:45,384 --> 00:25:49,222
Governor Perry, on Thursday
your wife said you were being
463
00:25:49,222 --> 00:25:50,690
brutalized because
of your faith.
464
00:25:50,690 --> 00:25:54,792
Yet, it was a Pastor affiliated
with your campaign who recently
465
00:25:54,792 --> 00:25:56,226
called mormonism a cult.
466
00:25:56,226 --> 00:25:57,654
What's going on?
467
00:25:58,048 --> 00:26:00,630
I think the best way to
explain it is we're desperate
468
00:26:00,630 --> 00:26:02,633
and we're willing
to try anything.
469
00:26:02,633 --> 00:26:04,402
Nothing is beneath us right now.
470
00:26:04,402 --> 00:26:07,872
You are going to see us start
playing the mormon card.
471
00:26:07,872 --> 00:26:09,574
We'll start playing the race
card.
472
00:26:09,574 --> 00:26:11,275
Heck, this week my staff looked
in to a plan that would frame
473
00:26:11,275 --> 00:26:13,500
Mitt Romney for murder in Texas.
474
00:26:14,002 --> 00:26:17,476
Railroad him through a sham
trial and then, you know.
475
00:26:21,423 --> 00:26:23,465
Oh, let me stress, Mitt,
that plan never passed the
476
00:26:23,465 --> 00:26:24,613
exploratory phase.
477
00:26:24,613 --> 00:26:25,629
That's okay.
478
00:26:25,629 --> 00:26:28,676
I'm incapable of rage.
479
00:26:28,676 --> 00:26:31,828
The point is, when you can't
get better, your options are
480
00:26:31,828 --> 00:26:32,996
limited, so my promise is this.
481
00:26:32,996 --> 00:26:36,051
You haven't seen the
worst of Rick Perry yet.
482
00:26:36,707 --> 00:26:39,215
Let's go back to the
janitor's closet.
483
00:26:39,215 --> 00:26:41,582
Michele Bachmann
and Newt Gingrich.
484
00:26:43,565 --> 00:26:45,018
Neither of you are
going to win, and
485
00:26:45,018 --> 00:26:46,576
you're starting to
waste our time.
486
00:26:46,576 --> 00:26:48,012
Fair.
487
00:26:48,012 --> 00:26:49,438
Agreed.
488
00:26:50,004 --> 00:26:53,283
At the end of Tonight's debate,
we'll unlock the door to your room.
489
00:26:53,283 --> 00:26:55,852
Whoever is still standing can
come to the next debate.
490
00:26:55,852 --> 00:26:58,421
Whoever isn't is
out of the race.
491
00:26:58,421 --> 00:27:00,504
I don't understand.
492
00:27:00,504 --> 00:27:01,847
Aah!
493
00:27:02,407 --> 00:27:03,507
Ow!
494
00:27:05,722 --> 00:27:09,543
Herman Cain, do you think
your campaign will be able to
495
00:27:09,543 --> 00:27:11,501
withstand the extra scrutiny
that comes with being the
496
00:27:11,501 --> 00:27:12,691
front-runner?
497
00:27:13,027 --> 00:27:14,370
I do not.
498
00:27:14,370 --> 00:27:17,273
If I may, let me put it in pizza
terms.
499
00:27:17,273 --> 00:27:20,377
Nothing beats that first
hot slice of pizza.
500
00:27:20,377 --> 00:27:22,679
Second slice is
also hard to beat.
501
00:27:22,679 --> 00:27:24,780
You see, America is on the
second slice of Herman Cain
502
00:27:24,780 --> 00:27:26,349
right now.
503
00:27:26,349 --> 00:27:29,785
But unfortunately, there's no
such thing as a two-slice pizza,
504
00:27:29,785 --> 00:27:32,910
so you keep stuffing yourself
full of Herman Cain, and soon
505
00:27:32,910 --> 00:27:35,727
your tummy will be a gassy mess.
506
00:27:36,651 --> 00:27:39,270
You will go to bed
and have bad dreams.
507
00:27:39,860 --> 00:27:41,888
In the morning, you
wake up and say,
508
00:27:41,888 --> 00:27:43,520
today I'm eating a nice salad.
509
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:47,691
If I may, I believe I
can be that salad.
510
00:27:48,106 --> 00:27:49,699
All right?
No croutons, no dressing.
511
00:27:49,699 --> 00:27:51,568
Just lettuce in a bowl.
512
00:27:52,735 --> 00:27:55,912
Look, in 2008, America was a
place full of hope and
513
00:27:55,912 --> 00:27:58,181
Barack Obama was the candidate
for that America.
514
00:27:58,181 --> 00:28:00,483
Now, it's starting to sink in
that there's nothing to be
515
00:28:00,483 --> 00:28:02,699
hopeful about.
516
00:28:02,699 --> 00:28:06,156
In 2008, America was a vibrant,
young person with their whole
517
00:28:06,156 --> 00:28:08,379
life ahead of them.
518
00:28:08,379 --> 00:28:12,662
Now America has a bum knee, an
exploded mortgage and no job.
519
00:28:12,662 --> 00:28:14,816
The time for dreaming is over.
520
00:28:14,816 --> 00:28:16,834
It's time to settle.
521
00:28:16,834 --> 00:28:19,871
And nothing says you're settling
like Mitt Romney.
522
00:28:21,062 --> 00:28:23,139
barack obama made
523
00:28:23,139 --> 00:28:24,540
America say yes, we can.
524
00:28:24,540 --> 00:28:29,173
Well, I think I can make them
say, yes, we can live with that.
525
00:28:31,496 --> 00:28:33,584
Rick Santorum, how
are you doing?
526
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:36,385
Bad!
527
00:28:38,145 --> 00:28:39,483
And Ron Paul?
528
00:28:42,022 --> 00:28:44,672
Seems like an unmarked
Van is approaching.
529
00:28:46,751 --> 00:28:49,723
Looks like bad
news for Ron Paul.
530
00:28:51,057 --> 00:28:52,630
But hold on.
531
00:28:57,457 --> 00:28:58,825
Ron Paul!
532
00:28:59,033 --> 00:29:00,643
Not going anywhere.
533
00:29:00,643 --> 00:29:02,971
Ideologically pure
and tough as nails.
534
00:29:03,416 --> 00:29:05,091
Well, that concludes
tonight's debate.
535
00:29:05,091 --> 00:29:08,085
Join us for our next debate when
we basically continue to turn
536
00:29:08,085 --> 00:29:11,221
into a season of "Survivor"
Where no one is ever
537
00:29:11,221 --> 00:29:12,896
voted off the island.
538
00:29:35,324 --> 00:29:38,703
Ladies and gentlemen, Drake!
539
00:33:13,168 --> 00:33:16,173
"Weekend update"
With Seth Meyers.
540
00:33:16,173 --> 00:33:18,775
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
541
00:33:18,775 --> 00:33:19,877
Good evening.
542
00:33:19,877 --> 00:33:23,480
I'm Seth Meyers and here
are tonight's top stories.
543
00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:25,582
The White House on Thursday
made its first attack on
544
00:33:25,582 --> 00:33:28,418
Mitt Romney's presidential
campaign saying that on many
545
00:33:28,418 --> 00:33:31,588
issues Romney is
stunningly inconsistent.
546
00:33:31,588 --> 00:33:34,158
Romney fired back calling the
charges absolutely false and
547
00:33:34,158 --> 00:33:37,983
absolutely true.
548
00:33:39,955 --> 00:33:42,099
On Tuesday night, the
Republican candidates met once
549
00:33:42,099 --> 00:33:45,869
again for what appeared to
either be a seance or the
550
00:33:45,869 --> 00:33:47,571
world's most Boring poker game.
551
00:33:47,571 --> 00:33:48,905
Let's see.
552
00:33:48,905 --> 00:33:50,273
Boring poker game.
553
00:33:50,273 --> 00:33:52,177
Boring poker game.
554
00:33:52,177 --> 00:33:53,802
Oh, it was a seance.
555
00:33:54,739 --> 00:33:56,084
It was a saance.
556
00:33:56,084 --> 00:34:00,660
A new chat down security program
is being tested in when
557
00:34:00,660 --> 00:34:05,582
agents try to scene out possible
terrorists by talking to travelers
558
00:34:05,582 --> 00:34:09,254
and asking where are you going
and how long are you staying?
559
00:34:09,519 --> 00:34:11,355
And then they simply arrest
anyone who answers to be with
560
00:34:11,355 --> 00:34:13,230
Allah for all eternity.
561
00:34:18,297 --> 00:34:19,465
Fail safe.
562
00:34:20,747 --> 00:34:24,596
Phoenix Jones, a costume
vigilant, was arrested in
563
00:34:24,596 --> 00:34:28,278
Seattle After using pepper
spray on a group of people.
564
00:34:28,278 --> 00:34:30,713
Jones apparently became
a superhero after
565
00:34:30,713 --> 00:34:33,322
was bitten by a
radioactive idiot.
566
00:34:38,448 --> 00:34:42,022
Well, there's been a lot of news in
the news lately but here with the news
567
00:34:42,022 --> 00:34:46,297
he heard secondhand is our secondhand
news corresponder Anthony Crispino
568
00:34:50,662 --> 00:34:54,098
how's it going, everybody?
Great to be back.
569
00:34:54,098 --> 00:34:55,802
Congratulations.
570
00:34:55,802 --> 00:34:57,096
On what? I don't know.
571
00:34:57,096 --> 00:34:58,684
On whatever that
thing was you did.
572
00:35:01,098 --> 00:35:02,019
Thanks.
573
00:35:02,019 --> 00:35:03,671
So Anthony, what are
you hearing newswise?
574
00:35:03,671 --> 00:35:09,289
First of all, Seth, you hear
about this big thing downtown?
575
00:35:11,535 --> 00:35:13,946
Apparently they're
occupying Walgreens.
576
00:35:13,946 --> 00:35:15,761
No, Anthony.
577
00:35:17,656 --> 00:35:19,266
They're occupying Wall Street.
578
00:35:19,266 --> 00:35:22,003
Pretty sure it was
Walgreens, Seth.
579
00:35:22,003 --> 00:35:24,105
I know because it's
full of protestants.
580
00:35:24,105 --> 00:35:25,605
They're protesters.
581
00:35:25,605 --> 00:35:27,973
They're not protestants,
they're protesters.
582
00:35:27,973 --> 00:35:30,109
Either way, they're
very mad because they
583
00:35:30,109 --> 00:35:32,865
want everything in the
store to be 99% off.
584
00:35:33,629 --> 00:35:35,940
And you can't deny
the movement, Seth.
585
00:35:35,940 --> 00:35:37,351
It's finally gaining momento.
586
00:35:37,351 --> 00:35:39,156
I'm sorry. This is wrong.
587
00:35:39,156 --> 00:35:40,768
Where did you hear this?
588
00:35:40,768 --> 00:35:43,953
From the lady that sells me
the salami Meaty Diane.
589
00:35:43,953 --> 00:35:45,080
OK.
590
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:46,413
She's meaty
591
00:35:47,234 --> 00:35:49,178
Meaty Diane gave you
the wrong information.
592
00:35:49,178 --> 00:35:49,912
Okay.
593
00:35:49,912 --> 00:35:50,756
All right.
594
00:35:50,756 --> 00:35:51,974
Do you have anything
else for us?
595
00:35:51,974 --> 00:35:54,810
Yeah. You hear about this one?
596
00:35:55,762 --> 00:35:57,206
They freed Courteney Cox.
597
00:35:57,206 --> 00:35:58,903
No. Amanda Knox.
598
00:35:58,903 --> 00:36:00,864
- Close enough.
- No, it's not.
599
00:36:00,864 --> 00:36:02,597
- Not close at all.
- True.
600
00:36:02,597 --> 00:36:04,386
Apparently thigh finally
released her from that
601
00:36:04,386 --> 00:36:05,738
Olive Garden.
602
00:36:05,738 --> 00:36:06,660
No.
603
00:36:06,660 --> 00:36:09,882
It wasn't an Olive Garden.
It was italian prison.
604
00:36:09,882 --> 00:36:14,015
No. It was the italian
restaurant, Olive Garden.
605
00:36:14,015 --> 00:36:18,024
You see, they accused of killing
her the roommate but they were
606
00:36:18,024 --> 00:36:21,728
like, when you're here, you're
family so they let her go.
607
00:36:22,486 --> 00:36:23,729
Who told you that?
608
00:36:24,424 --> 00:36:25,969
My nazi friend Pee Wee German.
609
00:36:25,969 --> 00:36:27,231
Okay, Anthony.
610
00:36:27,231 --> 00:36:29,860
- He's weird.
- Do you have anything else?
611
00:36:29,860 --> 00:36:31,921
Yeah. Let's see.
612
00:36:31,921 --> 00:36:34,993
I heard that Ashton Kutcher is
breaking up with Dinty Moore.
613
00:36:35,528 --> 00:36:37,268
She told no soup for you!
614
00:36:37,268 --> 00:36:38,302
No.
615
00:36:39,312 --> 00:36:41,128
They released an
iPhone for your ass.
616
00:36:41,128 --> 00:36:43,269
No! No.
617
00:36:43,269 --> 00:36:45,199
It's the iPhone 4s.
618
00:36:46,954 --> 00:36:48,704
No. It's for your ass there.
619
00:36:48,704 --> 00:36:49,636
No.
620
00:36:49,636 --> 00:36:51,688
Why it will be for ass?
621
00:36:51,688 --> 00:36:52,989
For Bootie calls.
622
00:36:52,989 --> 00:36:54,194
- Come on.
- All right.
623
00:36:55,155 --> 00:36:56,468
Let's see.
624
00:36:56,468 --> 00:36:58,536
What else? What else?
625
00:36:58,536 --> 00:36:59,749
And oh!
626
00:36:59,749 --> 00:37:02,527
All the NBA players, they got
locked out of their houses.
627
00:37:02,527 --> 00:37:03,881
- Nope.
- Yep.
628
00:37:03,881 --> 00:37:06,519
Because the commissioner Howard
Stern couldn't find the keys.
629
00:37:06,519 --> 00:37:07,590
Nope. That's wrong.
630
00:37:07,590 --> 00:37:09,225
You know what they
should get, Seth?
631
00:37:09,225 --> 00:37:12,395
One of those...
they should get one of those fake rocks.
632
00:37:12,395 --> 00:37:14,897
You put it outside your
rock with a hollow bottom.
633
00:37:14,897 --> 00:37:17,333
You know how they work?
634
00:37:17,333 --> 00:37:19,803
Yeah. Hide a key in
the hollow bottom.
635
00:37:19,803 --> 00:37:22,988
That's way better.
I chuck it through the window.
636
00:37:22,988 --> 00:37:24,785
So much smarter.
637
00:37:24,785 --> 00:37:26,879
Anthony, everyone!
638
00:37:29,467 --> 00:37:31,602
There's someone in there.
639
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:36,152
According to a new study 91%
of children in the U.S. Play
640
00:37:36,152 --> 00:37:41,033
video games while the other 9%
ARE too fat to play video games.
641
00:37:46,353 --> 00:37:49,165
A man in Kansas who was taken
to the hospital after he
642
00:37:49,165 --> 00:37:53,436
was stabbed in the scrotum with
a hypodermic needle until an
643
00:37:53,896 --> 00:37:57,047
argument and that's just one of
the reasons to never get in an
644
00:37:57,047 --> 00:37:59,639
argument when your
scrotum is out.
645
00:38:06,048 --> 00:38:09,404
50 couples in Maine this
past weekend competed in the
646
00:38:09,404 --> 00:38:11,665
annual wife carrying
championship.
647
00:38:11,665 --> 00:38:14,912
Which means that afterwards,
49 couples drove home
648
00:38:14,912 --> 00:38:16,615
in stony silence.
649
00:38:18,636 --> 00:38:20,555
Good carrying.
650
00:38:21,589 --> 00:38:25,001
A restauranteur in New York
city is planning to convert an
651
00:38:25,001 --> 00:38:29,972
old Ferry in to a floating
lobster restaurant combining the
652
00:38:29,972 --> 00:38:32,541
grand your of a terrible commute
with the sanitary standards of
653
00:38:32,541 --> 00:38:34,923
the Hudson river.
654
00:38:37,138 --> 00:38:41,550
The assistant suicide machine
will be auctioned off
655
00:38:41,550 --> 00:38:43,604
later this month so if you're
656
00:38:43,604 --> 00:38:46,800
looking for a great gag
gift for grandma...
657
00:38:50,472 --> 00:38:52,521
just a suggestion.
658
00:38:53,850 --> 00:38:56,643
I actually don't know
what it looks like.
659
00:38:56,643 --> 00:38:58,333
Can we take a look?
660
00:38:58,333 --> 00:39:01,359
Oh, come on!
661
00:39:02,863 --> 00:39:07,109
A woman in Chicago's 39 weeks
pregnant ran the marathon
662
00:39:07,109 --> 00:39:09,683
Sunday and then gave birth to a
daughter
663
00:39:09,683 --> 00:39:11,131
after she'd finished the race.
664
00:39:11,131 --> 00:39:13,536
I think we have a
photo of the baby.
665
00:39:18,112 --> 00:39:19,355
Halloween is just
around the corner.
666
00:39:19,355 --> 00:39:23,706
Here to talk about a new trend
are two teenagers dressed as
667
00:39:23,706 --> 00:39:25,587
werewolves.
668
00:39:36,515 --> 00:39:38,383
You're already in costume.
669
00:39:38,383 --> 00:39:40,124
Oh, we love Halloween.
670
00:39:42,511 --> 00:39:45,358
Aren't you too old to
be trick or treating?
671
00:39:46,162 --> 00:39:49,612
Oh, we don't trick or treat,
but we still get candy.
672
00:39:49,612 --> 00:39:51,160
OK. How's that?
673
00:39:52,159 --> 00:39:54,159
It's called bag jacking, Seth.
674
00:39:54,405 --> 00:39:56,030
Little kids get candy...
675
00:39:56,030 --> 00:39:57,452
And we take it.
676
00:39:57,858 --> 00:39:59,670
Sorry, bag jacking?
677
00:39:59,670 --> 00:40:02,892
You know, instead of going house
to house, we go kid to kid and
678
00:40:02,892 --> 00:40:05,048
take their bags, and they
just cry like, "I'm hungry."
679
00:40:05,048 --> 00:40:07,243
I want my Candy.
It is really funny.
680
00:40:08,421 --> 00:40:11,089
I don't think it is
fun for everyone.
681
00:40:11,089 --> 00:40:12,643
Oh, it is.
682
00:40:12,643 --> 00:40:14,468
We made a song about it.
683
00:40:17,203 --> 00:40:19,413
Man, hit the track.
684
00:40:19,413 --> 00:40:21,849
What we doin' Drake
We bag jacking bitches
685
00:40:21,849 --> 00:40:24,985
What we doin' Drake
We bag jacking bitches
686
00:40:24,985 --> 00:40:27,651
We'll take your whole
bag of Candy, leave you
687
00:40:27,651 --> 00:40:29,056
in the cold, so bring your
ruckus if you under
688
00:40:29,056 --> 00:40:32,960
12 years old
It's 7:58 and now your
689
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:34,995
curfews pushing
Watch out 'cause like
690
00:40:34,995 --> 00:40:37,264
Republicans I'm
behind the bushes
691
00:40:37,264 --> 00:40:40,100
It wasn't me if you ask me
That's what I'mma tell you
692
00:40:40,100 --> 00:40:43,571
and I'mma eat so much chocolate
my blood type's nutella
693
00:40:43,571 --> 00:40:46,674
Got wanted signs from mad parents,
state troopers, kidnapped Willy Wonka
694
00:40:46,674 --> 00:40:49,747
and bitch slapped the
Oompa Loompa
695
00:40:49,747 --> 00:40:51,102
What we doin Drake
696
00:40:51,102 --> 00:40:53,608
We bag jacking bitches
What we doin Drake
697
00:40:53,608 --> 00:40:55,025
We bag jacking bitches
698
00:40:55,025 --> 00:40:57,944
we'll take your bag of
Candy leave you in the cold
699
00:40:57,944 --> 00:41:00,967
so you bring your ruckus
if you're under 12 years old
700
00:41:00,967 --> 00:41:02,640
Give me your Reese's pieces
701
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:05,458
Give me your Hershey bar
I want your milky way
702
00:41:06,053 --> 00:41:08,963
Give me that snickers bar
I would trick or treat but
703
00:41:08,963 --> 00:41:11,204
I'm too old now so I
snatch your bag
704
00:41:11,204 --> 00:41:13,356
So, I don't look
like a pedophile
705
00:41:13,356 --> 00:41:15,704
My sticky fingers got all of
these mothers mad at me
706
00:41:16,027 --> 00:41:17,504
We're talking stomach aches
707
00:41:17,829 --> 00:41:20,340
Restraining orders cavities
I probably won't have
708
00:41:20,340 --> 00:41:23,446
no teeth when I'm finished
I don't pay for the porcelains.
709
00:41:23,446 --> 00:41:24,951
I just marry my dentist.
710
00:41:25,472 --> 00:41:28,182
What we doin Drake
We bag jacking bitches
711
00:41:28,507 --> 00:41:31,218
What we doin Drake
We bag jacking bitches
712
00:41:31,218 --> 00:41:33,253
We'll take your whole
bag of Candy, leave you
713
00:41:33,253 --> 00:41:34,578
in the cold
714
00:41:34,578 --> 00:41:37,292
So bring your ruckus if
you're under 12 years old
715
00:41:37,517 --> 00:41:40,153
Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween!
716
00:41:43,395 --> 00:41:44,738
Thank you.
717
00:41:44,738 --> 00:41:47,463
Two teenagers dressed as
werewolves, everyone.
718
00:41:55,977 --> 00:41:57,379
They jack bag.
719
00:41:59,006 --> 00:42:02,686
This weekend is the New York
comic con if you're wondering
720
00:42:02,686 --> 00:42:06,011
why your local grocery store
is out of aluminum foil.
721
00:42:08,249 --> 00:42:11,696
The national hot dog and
sausage council on Monday
722
00:42:11,696 --> 00:42:15,799
condemned the incident of throwing a hot
dog at Tiger Woods during a tournament.
723
00:42:15,799 --> 00:42:20,235
The council incidentally is made
up of the most disgusting parts
724
00:42:20,235 --> 00:42:21,897
of other councils.
725
00:42:24,664 --> 00:42:27,842
A couple in Massachusetts
called police to rescue them
726
00:42:27,842 --> 00:42:30,111
after they were lost in a corn
Maze, even more embarrassing,
727
00:42:30,111 --> 00:42:31,636
this was the Maze.
728
00:42:34,943 --> 00:42:36,849
Good night?!
729
00:42:54,137 --> 00:42:55,837
Four root beer floats.
730
00:42:55,837 --> 00:42:57,067
Enjoy, ladies.
731
00:42:57,067 --> 00:42:57,853
Hey.
732
00:43:01,194 --> 00:43:03,155
What's the matter, Kendra?
733
00:43:03,155 --> 00:43:04,576
Yeah, Kendra.
734
00:43:04,576 --> 00:43:05,960
You love root beer floats.
735
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:08,171
Oh, you know, just boy drama.
736
00:43:08,171 --> 00:43:09,449
What happened?
737
00:43:09,449 --> 00:43:11,313
Well, there's this guy and,
738
00:43:11,313 --> 00:43:13,097
Well, we've been texts and,
739
00:43:13,097 --> 00:43:15,221
Well, I'm really in to him and,
740
00:43:15,221 --> 00:43:16,522
Well, I can't tell if he's in to
741
00:43:16,522 --> 00:43:17,578
Me or not.
742
00:43:17,578 --> 00:43:19,531
Well, have you
talked to him, yet?
743
00:43:19,531 --> 00:43:21,007
I would but...
744
00:43:21,007 --> 00:43:23,095
I don't know what to say.
745
00:43:23,095 --> 00:43:24,921
All right, Kendra. Listen up.
746
00:43:30,673 --> 00:43:33,898
I know something about love
747
00:43:34,143 --> 00:43:36,534
You got to want him bad
748
00:43:36,534 --> 00:43:39,737
If the guy's got
in to your blood
749
00:43:39,737 --> 00:43:41,744
go ahead and get him
750
00:43:41,744 --> 00:43:44,674
if you want him to be
751
00:43:44,674 --> 00:43:47,549
the very part of you
752
00:43:47,549 --> 00:43:50,537
that makes you want to breathe
753
00:43:50,537 --> 00:43:52,544
Here's the thing to do
754
00:43:53,037 --> 00:43:55,669
Tell him that you're never
going to leave him
755
00:43:55,669 --> 00:43:58,538
Tell him that you're
always going to love him
756
00:43:58,538 --> 00:44:00,547
Tell him tell him
tell him
757
00:44:00,547 --> 00:44:02,363
Tell him right now
758
00:44:02,363 --> 00:44:04,267
But guys, I did tell him that
759
00:44:04,267 --> 00:44:05,806
on our first date.
760
00:44:05,806 --> 00:44:07,595
I told him I would
never leave him
761
00:44:07,595 --> 00:44:09,417
and that I would
always love him.
762
00:44:09,417 --> 00:44:11,728
He seemed really weirded out.
763
00:44:11,728 --> 00:44:13,356
Oh, my god, you can't say
764
00:44:13,356 --> 00:44:15,705
something that intense
on your first date.
765
00:44:15,705 --> 00:44:18,225
Yeah, Kendra. When you
first start dating a guy
766
00:44:18,225 --> 00:44:20,604
you have to keep things
Light and casual.
767
00:44:20,604 --> 00:44:22,182
Before you tell
him you love him,
768
00:44:22,182 --> 00:44:24,319
you have to tell him a lot
of other things, first.
769
00:44:25,324 --> 00:44:27,083
Tell him that you don't
770
00:44:27,083 --> 00:44:29,245
believe in marriage
Tell him that
771
00:44:29,245 --> 00:44:30,790
you don't care if
you have kids
772
00:44:30,790 --> 00:44:32,879
Tell him
Tell him tell him
773
00:44:32,879 --> 00:44:34,280
Tell him all lies
774
00:44:34,575 --> 00:44:37,387
But I love him.
Why would I lie to him?
775
00:44:37,387 --> 00:44:38,764
She's not getting it.
776
00:44:38,764 --> 00:44:41,872
You see, lies are a natural
part of the dating process.
777
00:44:41,872 --> 00:44:43,281
Especially early on.
778
00:44:43,281 --> 00:44:46,007
You need to show him that
you're not one of those girls.
779
00:44:46,007 --> 00:44:48,303
What do you mean, those girls?
780
00:44:49,253 --> 00:44:50,764
I mean, like, girls.
781
00:44:51,803 --> 00:44:53,675
You need to tell them that
782
00:44:53,675 --> 00:44:55,253
you love watching hockey
783
00:44:55,253 --> 00:44:57,964
Tell him that you
play "Call of Duty"
784
00:44:57,964 --> 00:44:59,507
Tell him you're a total nerd
785
00:44:59,507 --> 00:45:01,420
And you love reading comics
786
00:45:01,420 --> 00:45:03,269
But I don't understand.
787
00:45:03,269 --> 00:45:05,654
I don't even know what
"Call of Duty" is.
788
00:45:05,654 --> 00:45:07,367
What if he asks me
to play it with him?
789
00:45:07,367 --> 00:45:08,391
Trust me.
790
00:45:08,391 --> 00:45:11,375
He'll never ask you to play.
He just wants you to appreciate
791
00:45:11,375 --> 00:45:13,629
all the time he
spends playing It.
792
00:45:13,629 --> 00:45:16,682
And if guys want to watch
sports and sci-fi all day,
793
00:45:16,682 --> 00:45:18,500
why don't they just date each other?
794
00:45:18,500 --> 00:45:20,180
Increasingly they do.
795
00:45:20,180 --> 00:45:23,179
In fact, psychologists predict
that eventually all men will
796
00:45:23,179 --> 00:45:25,258
become gay to watch
their favorite shows.
797
00:45:26,388 --> 00:45:28,496
But for now they still need sex.
798
00:45:28,496 --> 00:45:30,110
And when it comes to that, you
799
00:45:30,110 --> 00:45:31,650
have to seem fun and
up for anything.
800
00:45:33,707 --> 00:45:36,348
Tell him that you'll
always do a three-way
801
00:45:36,348 --> 00:45:39,267
Tell him that you
want porn every day
802
00:45:39,267 --> 00:45:41,130
Tell him you're not broke out
803
00:45:41,130 --> 00:45:42,715
and you said the word panties
804
00:45:42,715 --> 00:45:44,737
What do you want
us to call them?
805
00:45:44,737 --> 00:45:47,087
- Underwear!
- No!
806
00:45:47,087 --> 00:45:48,345
Okay.
807
00:45:48,345 --> 00:45:50,102
So early on I have to lie to him
808
00:45:50,102 --> 00:45:51,862
a little, but once we're dating
809
00:45:51,862 --> 00:45:53,974
then we're just honest
with each other, right?
810
00:45:53,974 --> 00:45:55,205
No.
811
00:45:55,205 --> 00:45:57,377
Then you enter a
new phase of lies.
812
00:45:57,377 --> 00:45:59,712
I call it maintaining
the mystery.
813
00:46:01,329 --> 00:46:04,252
I know something about men
814
00:46:04,252 --> 00:46:06,697
they never want to know
815
00:46:06,697 --> 00:46:09,705
How us women keep it all up
816
00:46:09,705 --> 00:46:11,846
You have to hide it
817
00:46:12,424 --> 00:46:14,588
If you want him to stay
818
00:46:14,588 --> 00:46:16,885
pining after you
819
00:46:16,885 --> 00:46:18,768
then you have to
820
00:46:18,768 --> 00:46:20,713
hide the things
821
00:46:20,713 --> 00:46:22,260
all women do.
822
00:46:22,260 --> 00:46:23,552
Tell him that
823
00:46:23,552 --> 00:46:24,844
You're natural hairless
824
00:46:24,844 --> 00:46:26,024
Make him think you
825
00:46:26,024 --> 00:46:27,599
never use the bathroom,
826
00:46:27,599 --> 00:46:28,849
then when he's sleeping
827
00:46:28,849 --> 00:46:31,008
you can run to Starbucks
828
00:46:31,008 --> 00:46:33,703
Wait, I can never
go to the bathroom?
829
00:46:33,703 --> 00:46:34,733
No!
830
00:46:34,733 --> 00:46:36,188
Of course not.
831
00:46:36,188 --> 00:46:38,032
I went away to Mexico
with a guy once.
832
00:46:38,032 --> 00:46:39,282
I spent so much time in the
833
00:46:39,282 --> 00:46:40,729
lobby bathroom people started
834
00:46:40,729 --> 00:46:41,920
tipping me.
835
00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:44,665
One night after a big dinner I
had to fake a kidnapping just to
836
00:46:44,665 --> 00:46:46,222
Get a couple hours alone.
837
00:46:46,222 --> 00:46:48,383
But it was worth it because
at The end of the trip
838
00:46:48,383 --> 00:46:50,196
he said I was one of
the chillest girls he
839
00:46:50,196 --> 00:46:52,208
ever met and that
he would call Me.
840
00:46:52,208 --> 00:46:53,657
Did he?
841
00:46:53,657 --> 00:46:55,611
It's been a real crazy work
842
00:46:55,611 --> 00:46:57,493
year for him, but we're going to
843
00:46:57,493 --> 00:46:58,915
hang out real soon, though.
844
00:46:59,300 --> 00:47:00,484
This seems like a lot of
845
00:47:00,484 --> 00:47:02,751
deception just to fall in love.
846
00:47:02,751 --> 00:47:03,992
Here's the deal.
847
00:47:03,992 --> 00:47:05,700
These are just the things we say
848
00:47:05,700 --> 00:47:07,642
until we actually fall in love.
849
00:47:07,642 --> 00:47:09,744
When you meet the one,
none of This matters.
850
00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:11,180
You can finally just be
851
00:47:11,180 --> 00:47:12,740
yourself and
not worry about
852
00:47:12,740 --> 00:47:14,356
playing games or
tricking him.
853
00:47:16,408 --> 00:47:17,868
Then you know
854
00:47:17,868 --> 00:47:19,146
It will be
855
00:47:20,643 --> 00:47:23,260
True Love from fairytale
856
00:47:24,797 --> 00:47:27,283
You'll both be happy
857
00:47:28,750 --> 00:47:31,930
But if he tries to bail
858
00:47:33,758 --> 00:47:35,072
Tell him that
859
00:47:35,072 --> 00:47:36,463
You're pregnant and
it's his kid
860
00:47:36,463 --> 00:47:37,657
Tell him that
861
00:47:37,657 --> 00:47:39,158
You need to get married
862
00:47:39,158 --> 00:47:40,416
Tell him
Tell him
863
00:47:40,416 --> 00:47:41,779
Tell him tell him right
864
00:47:41,779 --> 00:47:43,666
Tell him Tell him.
Tell him
865
00:47:43,666 --> 00:47:44,972
Tell him right
Tell him
866
00:47:44,972 --> 00:47:46,269
Tell him tell him
867
00:47:46,269 --> 00:47:47,916
Tell him right now
868
00:47:47,916 --> 00:47:51,133
[ Cheers and applause ]
869
00:48:11,355 --> 00:48:14,864
You're watching Michigan
State Campus TV.
870
00:48:14,864 --> 00:48:20,003
At 4:15, it's "Hazing Bloopers
with Al Fakai," But up next,
871
00:48:20,003 --> 00:48:22,572
it's "J-Pop America
Fun Time Now."
872
00:48:24,928 --> 00:48:31,070
[ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE ]
873
00:48:35,762 --> 00:48:39,179
J-Pop America Fun Time Now
874
00:48:40,594 --> 00:48:41,905
Konnichiwa.
875
00:48:41,905 --> 00:48:43,051
Konnichiwa.
876
00:48:43,051 --> 00:48:44,494
I am Jonathan-san.
877
00:48:44,494 --> 00:48:46,836
I'm Rebecca-san.
878
00:48:48,195 --> 00:48:50,700
Welcome to "J-Pop
America Fun Time Now"!
879
00:48:50,700 --> 00:48:53,870
Celebrating Japanese culture,
fashion and music.
880
00:48:55,295 --> 00:49:01,493
[ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE ]
881
00:49:14,349 --> 00:49:17,694
Before we begin, we should
clarify that Jonathan-san and
882
00:49:17,694 --> 00:49:19,395
myself are not Japanese.
883
00:49:19,395 --> 00:49:20,797
I am from Nebraska.
884
00:49:20,797 --> 00:49:24,070
And I'm from Daytona beach-aru.
885
00:49:26,060 --> 00:49:28,238
We have never been to Japan,
but it is our dream.
886
00:49:28,238 --> 00:49:31,263
[ GIGGLING ]
887
00:49:32,555 --> 00:49:35,567
Our passion for all things
Japanese was inspired by our
888
00:49:35,567 --> 00:49:38,945
honorable Japanese study
Professor Sensei Mark Kaufman.
889
00:49:38,945 --> 00:49:41,953
He is here because he is our
hero, and also because we need a
890
00:49:41,953 --> 00:49:44,172
faculty member present
to run the TV studio.
891
00:49:44,445 --> 00:49:47,058
Please, a very huge, happy
hello to Sensei Mark.
892
00:49:48,818 --> 00:49:50,918
Hello, Hello?
893
00:49:50,918 --> 00:49:52,832
Hey guys, I love the enthusiasm.
894
00:49:52,832 --> 00:49:54,900
I would like to point out to
everyone watching that what
895
00:49:54,900 --> 00:49:58,904
Rebecca and Jonathan have
latched onto represents a very
896
00:49:58,904 --> 00:50:02,338
narrow and mostly inaccurate
view of Japanese culture.
897
00:50:03,345 --> 00:50:06,205
They are actually my
two worst students.
898
00:50:06,535 --> 00:50:08,581
Thank you, Sensei Mark.
899
00:50:08,581 --> 00:50:12,283
Sensei is Japanese for one who
has been guided by the spirits
900
00:50:12,283 --> 00:50:13,838
of many ages-aru.
901
00:50:13,838 --> 00:50:16,096
No, no, no. It's not.
It just means teacher.
902
00:50:16,096 --> 00:50:17,488
That's all it means.
903
00:50:17,913 --> 00:50:20,215
Sensei Mark has a great
sense of humor-ru.
904
00:50:20,215 --> 00:50:22,955
Hih-Hih. Oh!
905
00:50:25,935 --> 00:50:30,982
[ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE ]
906
00:50:35,834 --> 00:50:36,739
Guest time!
907
00:50:39,635 --> 00:50:41,979
Our honored guest today has
the largest anime video
908
00:50:41,979 --> 00:50:44,408
collection on MSU's campus.
909
00:50:44,408 --> 00:50:48,120
Please bow with honor for the
Jennifer Hamstead-staru.
910
00:50:55,449 --> 00:50:56,792
It is an honor to be here.
911
00:50:56,792 --> 00:51:01,365
Or as they say in Japan...
[ SPEAKS GIBBERISH ]
912
00:51:01,365 --> 00:51:04,468
No, no, no. No one says that.
None of those are words.
913
00:51:05,193 --> 00:51:08,472
Jennifer-san, it looks like you
are dressed as a character
914
00:51:08,695 --> 00:51:12,706
from Japanese anime, or the art
of Japanese animation-dedu.
915
00:51:13,668 --> 00:51:17,048
Yes, I made this costume based
on a character I created
916
00:51:17,048 --> 00:51:20,273
named Cherry Cherry Iraq and Iran.
917
00:51:20,273 --> 00:51:22,286
Oh! How very Japanese.
918
00:51:22,286 --> 00:51:25,022
Certainly you are the
very most Japanese.
919
00:51:25,022 --> 00:51:30,362
You two are non-hinjin which
is Japanese for Japanese.
920
00:51:30,687 --> 00:51:33,199
None of you are Japanese. Okay?
921
00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:38,768
Also, you're riding a fine line
between homage and racism, kids.
922
00:51:39,293 --> 00:51:41,861
[ GIGGLING ]
Oh!
923
00:51:43,364 --> 00:51:45,775
Sensei Mark, you must
know I am not a racist.
924
00:51:45,775 --> 00:51:47,180
My girlfriend is Japanese!
925
00:51:51,207 --> 00:51:52,507
Hi.
926
00:51:54,261 --> 00:51:57,341
And Jennifer-san, you have super
yes good news for this weekend.
927
00:51:58,147 --> 00:52:01,192
Yes. I'm hosting a viewing party
in the Steinberg Recreational
928
00:52:01,192 --> 00:52:05,612
Center-desu of the 1976
anime series "Candy Candy."
929
00:52:06,027 --> 00:52:09,933
Candy, we love to...
the one who wants to love us.
930
00:52:09,933 --> 00:52:11,935
Oh! Oh!
931
00:52:12,676 --> 00:52:15,678
I love it so much I've written
a song about it in Japanese.
932
00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:17,457
Oh, please. We want to hear it.
933
00:52:17,932 --> 00:52:19,867
Yeah!
934
00:52:20,828 --> 00:52:22,738
[ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE ]
935
00:52:44,726 --> 00:52:47,261
- Oh.
- Oh.
936
00:52:49,766 --> 00:52:52,243
- Okay.
- Okay.
937
00:52:52,243 --> 00:52:53,812
That's the end of our show.
938
00:52:54,337 --> 00:52:56,816
But before we go, we must thank
and give all credit to the
939
00:52:56,816 --> 00:52:58,787
one that started this,
Sensei Mark.
940
00:52:59,012 --> 00:53:01,327
No, no, no.
Don't you dare put this on me.
941
00:53:01,752 --> 00:53:05,652
So, good bye, see you next time
on J-Pop America Fun Time Now!
942
00:53:06,900 --> 00:53:11,646
[ SPEAKING IN FAKE JAPANESE ]
943
00:53:37,266 --> 00:53:41,345
Ladies and gentlemen, Drake
featuring Nicki Minaj.
944
00:57:22,688 --> 00:57:25,666
Honey, we are all very excited
to meet your new fella.
945
00:57:26,591 --> 00:57:27,901
I bet he's a huge loser.
946
00:57:27,901 --> 00:57:28,835
Shut up, Steven!
947
00:57:28,835 --> 00:57:30,837
Yeah, come on, Steven.
Knock it off.
948
00:57:30,837 --> 00:57:33,176
Anything's gonna be better
than that last guy.
949
00:57:33,176 --> 00:57:35,578
Go easy on this one, dad.
I really like him, okay?
950
00:57:35,803 --> 00:57:38,306
Well, it's my birthday.
I don't have to go easy on anybody.
951
00:57:38,306 --> 00:57:39,917
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
952
00:57:39,917 --> 00:57:41,451
Oh guys, he's here.
953
00:57:43,276 --> 00:57:44,620
Come on in.
954
00:57:44,620 --> 00:57:46,588
Presenting Lord Wyndemere!
955
00:57:46,588 --> 00:57:49,526
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ha!
956
00:57:49,526 --> 00:57:50,860
It is I!
957
00:57:51,685 --> 00:57:54,463
Everyone, this is
my boyfriend Cecil.
958
00:57:54,463 --> 00:57:57,232
i want sweets!
959
00:57:57,232 --> 00:57:58,600
What?
960
00:58:00,025 --> 00:58:03,237
Cecil, do you want to sit down
and make yourself at home?
961
00:58:03,237 --> 00:58:06,517
I don't want to sit down.
I want to do my dance!
962
00:58:06,932 --> 00:58:09,512
Cecil has a little dance
he does to show off.
963
00:58:09,837 --> 00:58:11,347
Turlington, my melody!
964
00:58:25,064 --> 00:58:27,356
Ha Ha ha!
965
00:58:27,356 --> 00:58:28,684
Oh!
966
00:58:28,684 --> 00:58:30,575
I could watch that all day!
967
00:58:31,424 --> 00:58:34,035
Debbie, you didn't tell
me this guy was awesome.
968
00:58:34,481 --> 00:58:36,260
Oh, he is.
969
00:58:36,260 --> 00:58:38,932
When I first saw him chasing
swans in the park, I was like,
970
00:58:38,932 --> 00:58:40,447
Oh, mama, please.
971
00:58:40,447 --> 00:58:43,116
I am hungry. I want sweets!
972
00:58:44,041 --> 00:58:45,385
Steve!
973
00:58:46,150 --> 00:58:49,260
Get off your Butt and get
the little guy some sweets!
974
00:58:50,603 --> 00:58:51,903
No.
975
00:58:52,996 --> 00:58:55,403
I just remembered.
I know a secret
976
00:58:55,403 --> 00:58:58,291
and I shan't tell a soul
even if you catch me.
977
00:58:58,291 --> 00:58:59,960
- What?
- You can't catch me.
978
00:58:59,960 --> 00:59:01,295
Ha ha ha ha ha!
979
00:59:01,295 --> 00:59:04,653
Wait! somebody catch that
little son of a bitch!
980
00:59:04,653 --> 00:59:05,957
I want to hear that secret!
981
00:59:05,957 --> 00:59:07,370
Ha Ha Ha Ha ha!
982
00:59:07,370 --> 00:59:08,695
Catch him!
983
00:59:08,695 --> 00:59:10,062
Ha Ha Ha Ha ha!
984
00:59:10,062 --> 00:59:12,341
I'm going to hide where
no one can find me!
985
00:59:14,066 --> 00:59:16,978
I'll go get him.
You can usually hear him giggling.
986
00:59:17,303 --> 00:59:21,762
Oh, man, oh, boy!
How great is Cecil? Huh?
987
00:59:22,442 --> 00:59:24,253
Real salt of the earth.
988
00:59:25,478 --> 00:59:27,288
Dad, he brought a
fricking footman.
989
00:59:27,288 --> 00:59:28,613
I mean, look at this dude.
990
00:59:32,598 --> 00:59:34,243
You'll never catch me!
991
00:59:36,223 --> 00:59:37,633
That is great.
992
00:59:38,058 --> 00:59:40,569
Oh, have the sweets come yet?
993
00:59:40,569 --> 00:59:42,561
That's real good. Steven!
994
00:59:44,599 --> 00:59:47,270
Did I not say get the
boy some sweets?
995
00:59:47,634 --> 00:59:48,944
I don't want to.
996
00:59:50,789 --> 00:59:53,436
Gary. I'll go get the cake.
997
00:59:53,436 --> 00:59:54,851
Thanks, babe.
998
00:59:54,851 --> 00:59:58,379
Cecil is a little shy but he want it
is know if he can give you a present.
999
00:59:58,740 --> 01:00:01,363
Are you kidding me? Absolutely.
1000
01:00:02,650 --> 01:00:03,950
Turlington.
1001
01:00:06,486 --> 01:00:08,597
That's his dog Bugsby
1002
01:00:08,597 --> 01:00:11,593
Bugsby's nose is cold. Ha ha ha!
1003
01:00:13,211 --> 01:00:16,021
Lord Wyndemere,
this is too much.
1004
01:00:16,706 --> 01:00:18,818
What did you give me, Steven?
1005
01:00:19,899 --> 01:00:21,543
You said you didn't
want anything.
1006
01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:23,328
Yeah, well, I guess I was wrong.
1007
01:00:23,780 --> 01:00:25,180
I wanted this.
1008
01:00:26,443 --> 01:00:28,384
Okay, everybody.
1009
01:00:28,384 --> 01:00:30,953
Happy birthday to you
1010
01:00:30,953 --> 01:00:32,821
Wait, wait, wait.
Stop! stop, stop, stop!
1011
01:00:33,327 --> 01:00:34,927
Look at Lord Wyndemere!
1012
01:00:38,121 --> 01:00:39,463
Sweet.
1013
01:00:41,353 --> 01:00:43,630
Oh, man. He's out like a light.
1014
01:00:43,630 --> 01:00:45,339
I remember when you
guys were this age.
1015
01:00:45,339 --> 01:00:46,981
Actually, dad, he's 48.
1016
01:00:46,981 --> 01:00:49,771
No kidding.
No wunder he's tuckered out.
1017
01:00:50,898 --> 01:00:53,146
I was just pretending!
1018
01:00:55,002 --> 01:00:56,579
You little scamp.
1019
01:00:56,579 --> 01:00:57,914
Hey, do that dance
again, will you?
1020
01:00:57,914 --> 01:00:59,239
Certainly.
1021
01:00:59,239 --> 01:01:00,618
Turlington.
1022
01:01:01,276 --> 01:01:03,622
Look at him go.
Steven, watch him!
1023
01:01:22,716 --> 01:01:26,116
I will not stop
until we find this.
1024
01:01:26,116 --> 01:01:26,827
Okay.
1025
01:01:29,952 --> 01:01:32,262
Welcome inside here today.
1026
01:01:32,262 --> 01:01:35,685
I'm not good at talking
sometimes. I'm sorry.
1027
01:01:35,685 --> 01:01:38,970
Hi. Oh, please,
have what we want.
1028
01:01:38,970 --> 01:01:40,271
We have been to every bookstore.
1029
01:01:40,583 --> 01:01:42,693
We certainly have some stuff.
What you looking for?
1030
01:01:43,398 --> 01:01:44,840
A Ferrari calendar.
1031
01:01:45,326 --> 01:01:46,702
You ladies in to cars?
1032
01:01:46,702 --> 01:01:50,210
No. We're in to the freaking hot
guys that pose next to them.
1033
01:01:50,210 --> 01:01:54,223
Ferrari calendars have the
hottest guys, and if we don't
1034
01:01:54,223 --> 01:01:56,491
get our hands on one,
our asses will explode.
1035
01:01:56,871 --> 01:01:59,887
Whoa.
I don't want to clean that up.
1036
01:02:01,912 --> 01:02:03,289
They're right over there.
1037
01:02:05,083 --> 01:02:08,897
Oh, my god, Danielle.
It's a frigging Ferrari calendar.
1038
01:02:14,157 --> 01:02:16,236
I don't know what I'm going
to do when I see these guys.
1039
01:02:16,236 --> 01:02:19,404
We have to play it real cool or our
whole asses are going to explode.
1040
01:02:19,404 --> 01:02:23,562
Oh, I hope they do. Here we go.
January. Are you ready?
1041
01:02:23,562 --> 01:02:25,973
God, I feel like I need to
put lipstick on. Oh, OK.
1042
01:02:25,973 --> 01:02:29,804
Oh, God. Look how fricking
gorgeous this guy is.
1043
01:02:29,804 --> 01:02:34,156
He is exactly my type.
So much attitude.
1044
01:02:34,156 --> 01:02:38,078
Square jaw. Dark glasses.
White sneakers.
1045
01:02:38,078 --> 01:02:42,296
Fitted light jeans, rolled
above the shoe, half his mouth
1046
01:02:42,296 --> 01:02:44,168
covered his popped up collar.
1047
01:02:44,168 --> 01:02:47,989
Yellow teeth. Kiss me now.
I can't take it. Can't take it.
1048
01:02:48,531 --> 01:02:50,776
Go to June I want to
see my birthday month.
1049
01:02:55,543 --> 01:02:59,042
I have to find out where that
model is and go to his house.
1050
01:02:59,042 --> 01:03:04,051
I love how he's pretending
to point and with attitude.
1051
01:03:04,513 --> 01:03:05,942
Bright white hair.
1052
01:03:05,942 --> 01:03:08,688
Black eyebrows and a
Dent in his forehead.
1053
01:03:09,313 --> 01:03:13,496
Slightly crossed eyes, long
fingernails, short legs. Oh!
1054
01:03:13,752 --> 01:03:17,566
Hello. Yeah. Those can come in
handy. Let's go to September.
1055
01:03:18,657 --> 01:03:19,966
Oh!
1056
01:03:20,291 --> 01:03:21,867
Now this one's the
boyfriend type.
1057
01:03:22,492 --> 01:03:25,638
My mom would be like, finally,
a guy with huge knees,
1058
01:03:25,963 --> 01:03:30,009
tiny shoulders and an inexplicable
point coming out of his head.
1059
01:03:30,734 --> 01:03:35,281
Don't leave out he has a tiny,
purple, newborn baby neck.
1060
01:03:36,406 --> 01:03:38,292
I noticed. I noticed. May!
1061
01:03:38,292 --> 01:03:39,886
May! Oh!
1062
01:03:39,886 --> 01:03:41,221
Oh my god.
This is my dream guy.
1063
01:03:41,221 --> 01:03:43,923
This is kid from the
streets attitude.
1064
01:03:44,348 --> 01:03:48,160
Long, stringy, shiny ear lobes.
1065
01:03:48,385 --> 01:03:51,064
Six-inch waist.
A vertical belly button.
1066
01:03:51,389 --> 01:03:55,336
Huge, beautiful blue
triangle-shaped eyes.
1067
01:03:56,268 --> 01:03:59,661
No nose, just holes.
1068
01:04:02,565 --> 01:04:05,448
Did you notice the
adorable tiny foot
1069
01:04:05,448 --> 01:04:07,246
coming straight out of his butt?
1070
01:04:07,246 --> 01:04:09,348
Oh, did I? Hello! Yeah.
1071
01:04:09,348 --> 01:04:12,052
Ladies, are you going to buy the
calendar or just look at it?
1072
01:04:12,277 --> 01:04:13,587
Just look at it.
1073
01:04:13,587 --> 01:04:15,792
That's fine for the
way I say today.
1074
01:04:15,792 --> 01:04:17,643
What is wrong with me?
1075
01:04:18,949 --> 01:04:21,150
Okay. Look, I don't know
about you but I don't know
1076
01:04:21,150 --> 01:04:22,698
if I can handle having
this calendar in my home.
1077
01:04:22,698 --> 01:04:25,049
I know. My ass would explode
all over the house.
1078
01:04:25,049 --> 01:04:29,010
We're pining after perfection
who we'll never find
1079
01:04:29,286 --> 01:04:30,787
I hear december
lives around here.
1080
01:04:31,628 --> 01:04:32,938
- What?
- What?
1081
01:04:32,938 --> 01:04:37,230
- God. Oh! Oh!
- Oh! Whoa.
1082
01:04:37,468 --> 01:04:42,384
Cool sunglasses, pepperoni nipples.
A bright red wizard hat.
1083
01:04:43,009 --> 01:04:46,621
Look at those legs
and Pilgrim shoes.
1084
01:04:46,844 --> 01:04:49,153
- My God.
- It's him!
1085
01:04:49,153 --> 01:04:50,578
What?
1086
01:04:54,318 --> 01:04:55,718
Want to go for a spin?
1087
01:04:56,361 --> 01:04:58,036
Pepperoni nipples.
1088
01:05:03,360 --> 01:05:06,153
Let's be today now ...
1089
01:05:07,002 --> 01:05:09,213
Our lives have been changed!
1090
01:05:10,238 --> 01:05:15,588
I'm ready to take
a chance again
1091
01:05:15,588 --> 01:05:17,081
[ APPLAUSE ]
1092
01:05:27,315 --> 01:05:35,766
Thank you so much to Drake,
Nicki Minaj, Lorne Michaels.
1093
01:05:35,766 --> 01:05:38,791
[ APPLAUSE ]
80259
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.