Original subtitles

[ Boat horn blaring ]

♪♪

I'm in. We're on site.

Affirmative, Pony Boy.

We've got a lock on the target's cellphone

20 meters northwest of you.

I don't like it.

He's been a ghost for three days,

and suddenly we get a ping?

Hunter: Maybe he couldn't find his charger.

Alright, team. Eyes open!

This could be a trap.

[ Monitor beeping, keyboard clacking ]

Ugh. Why do they always have to be "pre-dawn," these raids?

I mean, what's wrong with a nice pre-noon raid?

Like a brunch raid?

[ Watch beeping ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Trash can squeaks ]

♪♪

[ Gasps ] Oh, no.

♪♪

Hank?

Buddy?

Agh! The hell you people doin'?!

Tryin' ta sleep!

Negative. It's not him.

It ain't Hank.

It's not him. It's not him.

Told you this was a waste of time.

Ugh! What would Hank be doing in Queens anyway?

Nobody goes to Queens.

I-I live in Queens.

My point exactly.

Cut the chatter, you two!

Yeah, dad, shh!

Shush me.

Give. That's mine!

[ Snorts, speaking indistinctly ]

Where'd you get this?

B-Batman gave it to me! Give it!

Where is he? Where is Hank Ven--

[ Explosion in distance ]

Samson! Something big just went kablooey five blocks south.

Heat signature's off the charts.

Pull your team and check it out!

Alright, you heard the man!

Let's pull out, people! Move, move!

Where are they going? W-what about Hank?

Ugh...

Can't believe I got up early for this.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Doc: No! Absolutely not!

You people broke into my home, kidnapped me,

dragged me to your Honeycomb Hideout.

And now you want, what? My blood?

It's just a little cheek swab.

Two seconds and I'll be outta your...

b-business.

Well, you're not getting a swab,

so I guess our business is done here.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've a very important product

launch to prepare for, and my morning's

already been shot to hell.

Don't you understand?

We need to determine conclusively whether you

and The Monarch are related.

What? Are you making your Christmas card list?

Why should I care if your husband

is some fifth cousin thrice removed?

This is a Guild matter, I'm not here as

The Monarch's wife.

Oh, that much is obvious.

I don't see a wedding ring.

I'm wearing gloves.

I think I know what this is really about.

You and I have had a certain unspoken sexual tension

between us for years, meow.

Ugh. No.

And this is where you play your part,

by denying it, because you must.

You're a married woman.

So you come here, wishing on a swab

to find some tiny speck of magic

Rusty dust deep inside that husband of yours.

Oh, I can see by the look on your face

I've struck a nerve.

[ Window thuds ]

What was that?

They're calling it off!

They're calling off the search for Hank!

"O.S.I." Office of...Stupid...

Idiots!

Daddy's working, Dean.

Daddy's receptionist should've told you that.

Well, I can see you're very busy, Dr. Venture,

and I'm not getting anywhere with you,

so I won't take up any more of your time.

They said they "don't have the resources"

to keep looking for him

'cuz some frog guy blew up or something.

Plus he isn't really "missing" because he left

on his own recong-- reco-- recka--

Recognizance.

Well, they have a point-

Wh-? Didn't I have a coffee?

I have to find him!

We have to find him!

He could be laying dead in a ditch somewhere!

Not a lot of ditches in New York, son.

Dead in a gutter, maybe. Pop!

Why aren't you more worried about Hank?!

Because he's Hank.

He does this.

He runs off and does crazy things

and then he comes back home again.

Remember when he tried to run away to the North Pole

because Santa didn't get him a go-kart?

He was gone for three whole days,

until Brock finally found him in a--

Wait, he actually was dead in a ditch that time.

Anyway, right now,

the best thing you can do for Hank is to go

back to school and live your life.

How will that help?

Because that school is costing me a fortune.

Pop, unbelievable!

Doc, we've got a huge problem with the new product!

Do I even have a receptionist?

Ugh.

♪♪

Hmm?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪♪

[ Brakes squeak ]

Heh.

H-Heyyyyy, honey.

Get in the car.

You, too, Gary.

[ Car door closes ]

What are you trying to prove?

Exactly what I'd ask you!

What are you trying to prove?

The answer better be that Dr. Venture isn't related to me!

I just collected better DNA and we'll run proper tests,

then the Guild will redefine your status.

Oh, I have been jerked around for years by your Guild.

They made me a Level Ten!

Now I'm supposed to sit around and wait...again!

There are very specific rules.

No arching Venture till we define his relation to you.

I'm sorry. [ Sighs ]

You really don't get this.

Get what?

I am a super villain that hates Dr. Venture.

That is the way it is, has been, and will always be.

That's what I do!

Ever since you became a Councilwoman for the Guild,

I've been unable to be -- to be me!

I know. I swear I do.

But you have to just hang on a little longer.

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Sighs ] Hold on. You said that years ago.

Yes?

Of course I'm sitting down. Who stands up in a limo?

No! Are you ser-- When?

Call an Emergency session of the Council of Thirteen!

I'll be right there!

Driver! Pull over.

[ Brakes squeal ]

What is this? What's happening?

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I have work in the city, so you're gonna need

to take the PATH Train.

Unreal.

Just unreal.

Uh, thank you for the ride, Mrs. Monarch.

[ Helper playing dance music ]

Oh, God. Has it become sentient?

No, no, that's not -- Phew.

And my father's brain isn't trapped inside of it?

What? No.

Well then, what's the big problem?

White, a demonstration?

[ Clears throat ] Hey Helper: Turn it up.

[ Music volume rises ]

Well, it sounds great.

Glad I insisted on upgrading

the superconductors in those speakers.

Wait.

Uh-huh. Alright.

Nothing a few stick'ems can't solve.

Whoa! When did we add that?!

We didn't, Rust! That's the problem!

We need to stop the launch, open this thing up,

re-tool it, and fix whatever the bug is --

Oh, for the love of Benji, this is what you're panicking about?

This is a feature, not a bug.

Levitating personal assistant!

Who else is doing this?

[ Sighs ] Hey Helper: Stop the music.

[ Music stops ]

Gaaaahhhh! Son of a -- Ngh!

That could've been a baby's head.

Now do you get it?!

Well, we can't stop the launch!

Look around you!

We've got thousands of these things ready to ship.

The fate of the company is literally riding

on this product!

Yeah, about that, Doc.

Since ye insisted on all them modifications

to the original design... Improvements.

...the bleedin' things cost more to manufacture

than we was gonna sell 'em fer!

VenTech'll actually lose money on every unit she sell!

So, basically you Blue Monday-ed it.

[ Groans ] You knows I hates ta say it, I been with this company

since she first set sail,

but it might be time to consider filin' fer--

Don't even. I am not bankrupt.

Here's what I am going to do:

You're gonna jack up the price and change all the advertising.

And you two are gonna figure out how to...

not crush babies or whatever.

We're launching tomorrow, gentlemen!

Get to work!

[ Angry beeping ]

Oh, stop it! They're not replacing you.

[ Frantic beeping ]

No, no, no, it's an homage! Helper!

Hey, c'mon.

You owe me $2.75.

Dude...

villain!

Stop pointing.

So what, who cares?

She's in colors! Let's go talk to her.

No, just come on, just leave it.

I've never seen her before, and she's blazing colors.

I'm gonna talk to her! No, just w--

[ Sighs ] There he goes.

Colors!

Monarch: Oh, hi, you're dressed like me, will you be my friend?

Well, of course I will because we have so much in common.

Do you like food? I love food.

Really, me too. Do you like sleep and shelter?

This is amazing, it's like you can read my mind.

Oh, you're kidding me? How did he get her number?

Oh, a thumbs up. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, h-hi, thank you for dragging me in--

Oh, my God. Debbie?!

[ Electricity crackles ]

[ Conversations stop ]

[ Squeaking in distance ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Air hisses ]

♪♪

♪♪

Call me!

♪♪

[ Energy pulses, whirring ]

♪♪

[ Car alarms blaring in distance ]

Did you see that?! That was awesome!

Never saw that coming.

Hey, hey, here's crazy: that was my ex.

Look at that hole. No debris.

Mapped trajectory heat laser.

That's state of the art shit right there.

How did she get that? The Guild doesn't have that.

The Guild has a giant boxing glove

on the end of a big rusty spring.

Well, Mantilla's not Guild!

She's from ARCH. She gave me her card.

And she knew who you were, which was weird.

Dude, not weird!

For one, I am the Mighty Monarch.

And for two, that's my ex!

That was your ex? You dated Mantilla?

Yes! She wasn't Mantilla then.

You should've asked her for a ride

because there's no way the train's coming after all that.

♪♪

[ Static ]

[ Glass shatters ]

[ People screaming ]

♪♪

There were casualties.

Is it me or is every new show about super heroes?

I can't keep up!

It's like a job trying to follow this nonsense.

"Inhumans?"

Did I have to watch fake X-Men on the moon

to understand the movies?

Gentlemen, this isn't a TV show.

This just happened.

This is a real, unlicensed arching.

And does anyone recognize the primary antagonist?

He's not one of ours.

I don't recognize him.

Well, how about now?

You mean to tell me that extra-cool lizard guy

and H.R. Pufnstuf there are the same antagonist?

This is Brickfrog.

EMA Level One, powers include holding a brick

and shouting his name.

Pays his dues, keeps low.

Then last week he suddenly quits with a note stating

"Later losers," signed Brick Frog

with like 10 exclamation points.

Oh, right: "Brickfrog!"

Brickfrog! Yes, yes, Brickfrog!

Brickfrog! Brickfrog!

He was jovial chap.

Okay, fine! So what?

Someone had a rich aunt die and went out on their own.

How does this warrant an emergency Council Meeting?

This isn't an isolated case!

In the past week we've received several of these notices.

Yes, Red Mantle?

I need answers to this age old question.

How many is several?

"A few" is not unlike "some."

While "several" is more than "a couple,"

but less than "many."

Wait. How many is "many?" [ Bangs table ]

This is a threat against our very foundation.

This body has guided organized villainy for a century,

and we must protect our collective

from this clear commination!

Oh, great. What does commination mean?

Oh, my God!

Commination means threat,

several means about four, and I agree with Red Death.

Then you shall head up the subcommittee

to investigate this alleged commination.

Oh, come now.

You just learned that word when we did.

[ Air hisses ]

♪♪

Hello?

[ Door closes ]

Hello?!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Dr. Orpheus?

Anybody? [ Roaring ]

[ Screams ] Oh, my God!

Oh, greetings, Dean Venture!

Mind not the Golem. He, uh --

he came with the place.

He's made outta pants!

Schmatte Golem! Wouldja believe?

Found him in the attic.

Then Al was all "Hey, I know a little Hebrew."

Hey, I am a little Hebrew!

Whoa! Easy, boy! [ Roaring ]

Easyyyyy! Next thing you know: walkin' pants monster.

[ Grunts ] [ Roaring ]

No, that's not gonna work.!

Come, young Dean, and pardon the mess.

We are still moving in. What's a shem?!

Wow, looks like you've already finished.

Merely an illusion of the well-appointed study yet to be.

The chair is real, however.

So, you have come to seek my aid in locating your brother.

Y-Yes! How did you know that?

Oh, you know, "Magic Guy."

Oh, thank God.

I just knew you could help me.

H-here. This belonged to Hank.

That is how this works, right?

You are confusing me with a bloodhound.

And quite unnecessarily so,

for I already know where Hank is.

You do?

Of course.

He's right here.

Oh, come on! What're you, E.T.?

Mistake not my words for mawkish

Spielbergian sentiment!

You carry Hank within your heart,

yet it is far heavier than his 160 pounds.

What are you hiding?

W-- N-Nothing.

Ah-hah!

This is news I can use.

But no! Hey, hey, that's personal.

Precisely! Your remorse is a direct conduit to your brother.

I shall ride this info-emotional superhighway to his whereabouts!

♪♪

Oh, oh, dear.

Oh. The horror!

[ Whimpers ]

[ Screams ]

I have seen him!

Hank? You saw him?! Where?

The images were...distorted. Fleeting.

Past, present and yet-to-be, all swirling together!

Yeah, yeah. Okay, but where?

He is oscillating between worlds.

Betwixt selves.

I fear his very soul may be in peril!

We must go to him at once!

Jeffersonnnn!

Ah, we found the off button!

Super. Jefferson?

May we borrow your vehicle?

Nah-ah.

Nobody drives the Blood Vessel but me!

I see. Dr. Orpheus. Dr. Orpheus.

Are you busy this evening? Dr. Orpheus!

Where is Hank?!

Hank: Where am I?

Neither here nor there.

[ Train horn blowing ]

The real question is: who am I?

A week ago, I was just a happy-go-Hanky kid

living the high life, with a girlfriend and everything.

Then a blizzard of betrayal blew through my world

and knocked me flat on my heiney.

Metaphorically. [ Gasps ]

I woke up with a sore head and a busted heart.

I just had to get out of there,

but I had no life to go back to.

The old Hank was dead.

Something else was driving me now.

[ As The Bat ] I knew they 'd come looking for me.

And how could I find myself if someone else found me first?

I had to shed my skin, slough off all the old Hank.

And old Hank's stuff.

T-Take it all, I don't care anymore.

I'm going off the grid! [ Horn blares in distance ]

Yeah, I'm takin' a break from social media myself.

Godspeed, Batman.

I hopped the first tramp steamer headed out of town.

I didn't know where it would take me-

Zanzibar?

The South China seas? Disko Island?

[ Normal voice ] That's a real place. Did you know that?

Welcome aboard, everyone!

I'm Carter, and for the next three hours,

it's my absolute pleasure to show you

all the sights of New York City by water.

My life just seemed to keep going around in circles.

But it did give me time to think:

Why does this keep happening to me?

Why do I lose all the women in my life?

Why --

[ As The Bat ] No! Don't think about her!

Stick to the mission!

[ Normal voice ] The train, then!

Yeah, those go in a straight line.

I'll ride the rails, hobo-style!

Roughing it!

This was the way to truly find myself.

Stripped of everything. Surviving on my wits alone.

See what I'm really made of.

♪ Run away, turn away, run away, turn away ♪

♪ Run away ♪

And then I remembered: I'm, like, totally rich.

I mean, Bruce Wayne is rich.

The Shadow is rich. James Bond is -- wait?

Is he rich?

I dunno, he gets to have

nice things anyway.

Whenever you're ready, sir.

Ah, I'll take care of that right now, my good man.

Anyway, Pop always says "if you lost something,

look in the last place you had it."

Well, I lost myself, so I'm headed to the last place

I had...me.

Before New York, before the penthouse, before --

[ Moans ]

Ngh! W-Whyyyy?!

[ Italian accent ] You should look up alla you old-a flames

while you're in-a town.

Ask a them why they leave Hank.

Like-a John Cusack in-sa the "High Fidelity," eh?

[ Russian accent ] Or like Zoe Kravitzes,

in ze "High Fidelities."

You're asking the wrong questions, boychik.

There's really only one dame who left ya.

The dame. [ Sniffles ]

W-Who do you mean?

Don't confuse him!

Stick to the mission!

Okay, okay!

Can I have my pen back?

[ Knock on door ]

Next stop: Denver, Colorado!

♪♪

21: Arch. It's simple.

Almost elegant.

Monarch: Her name's not even on this thing.

Just the single worst logo I've ever seen.

That's a QR code. You scan it with your phone.

Should we do it?

Should we do it?

What allegiance do we have to the Guild?

They made us a Level 10, then they handed me

some horse shit about Venture being related to me.

Yeah, nah, I'm tired of their crap.

Yeah, but, dude, that was your ex!

Your wife is gonna flip out.

Relax. It's nothing.

I dated her right before I met my wife.

She dumped me!

Yeah, she dumped me because she was screwing that ass-hat

Venture while we were together.

Oh, my God!

That's like origin myth stuff!

The truth has been revealed.

Dude, that's like reason 100 I hate Venture.

That's not the reason I hate Venture.

You're making way too big a deal out of this.

Well, then if it's not a big deal

we should see what ARCH is all about.

Not a big deal. Little deal.

Just scan it or whatever.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Crap. It's loading tons of data.

It's downloading my data!

Oh, if they get into my porn!

My spank bank is super specific.

It's very hard to explain.

Shh. Shhh.

Do you hear a car or something?

[ Revving in distance ]

[ Gasps ] Minions! Battle stations!

Ready the! Pfff.

Ready the -- ready...

We have nothing to ready.

We don't really have battle stations anymore.

[ Engine whirring ]

♪♪

Gentlemen, nice to see you again so soon.

What can ARCH do for you?

Shoreleave: Alright, everybody.

Bag 'em up, and tag 'em up, people.

Antagonists go in that pile, scientists get the body-bags.

We ran out of body-bags so we're using tarps.

Eh, if Fort Brocks says tarps then it's tarps.

Let's get 'em out of here.

And you should be wearing gloves.

This is a crime scene, formal attire only!

Man: Sir! Unbidden counter agents on premises!

Oo, Guten tag, Frau Schmetterling.

I figured you'd show up to our little barbecue.

It's not one of ours.

Yeah, when we didn't see any anvils

or guys with pianos on their heads we figured

this was a little too upscale for the Guild.

You, uh, know anything?

The antagonist is Brickfrog.

He was a Guild Willy Loman

punching the clock till a couple days ago.

I don't know how he pulled this off.

Who's the protagonist?

Professor Vigo Dale.

He was working on a building material

that's supposed to be indestructible.

Clearly he didn't use it to build his lab.

Because...hole.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You can't do that!

Evidence. We need to analyze this.

I'll save you some time. They're dead people.

Analyzed.

Now put 'em down before I put you down.

Where's your money on that?

Oh, Brock, all the way.

I'll go 20 bucks on it.

Eh, can't call it.

So, you wanna share intel on this?

Uh, yeah, sure but we gotta keep it soft.

Off the wire.

Too much -- Red tape. Yeah, same here.

Okay, why don't you take him back to his haunted castle

and let us get back to work?

Eh, could you take him?

What, Red Death? He's like 73.

Are you joking? He scares the crap out of me.

Alright, fine, yeah he's a little --

just a little bit scary.

Pretty sure I could take him.

Red, what was all that about?

Ah, simply a distraction.

I found this phone on one of the henchmen.

That poor guy's hand was blown off.

No, of course not.

I ripped it off his corpse just in case he had

a fingerprint lock on his phone.

[ Elevator dings ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hibiscus tea with lemon and acai berry?

Oh, uh, thank you.

Ah, Hench...

You call them Acolytes.

Thousands of them are at your disposal.

Just bring up the ARCH app on your phone and enter an amount.

Voila, instant army.

[ Chuckles ] Watch this: Acolyte, Kill!

[ Screams ]

Oh, my God! What the fuck!

Acolyte, stop!

Go ahead and give her a kick.

Just go ahead and kick her right in the throat meat.

Hard as you want. What? No.

I-I don't want to kick anyone in the...throat meat.

Your loss.

Can I get a refresh!

[ Monitor beeps, cheers and applause ]

100,000 vanquished!

Great job, team. Now let's get back work.

Our clients need us.

There are one 100,000 rivalries in this city?

[ Chuckles ] City?

ARCH is global.

Seven continents, seven seas, and five oceans.

ARCH is the largest and most effective

antagonist solution resource known.

By who? I've never even heard of ARCH.

Because we're perfect.

Quiet, efficient, deadly.

We work behind the scenes for you.

You get all the glory, and we do all the dirty work.

Let me show you around.

So, what do you need?

This isn't the Guild of Calamitous Intent,

this is ARCH. We're here to help you.

You need a grapple gun?

Voila, grapple gun brought to you

by focused beam teleportation

exacted by thought accessed inventory request.

In short, if you can think of it, we can get it for you.

It's an ARCH exclusive.

Totally want that grapple gun.

So, what do you need?

Or did life already give you everything.

Never made a misstep or a bad choice.

Perfect life. Or do you want more?

You deserve everything and I want to give it to you.

This is your moment to finally have it all.

What do you need?

Malcolm.

Debra.

Name it, Malcolm.

What do you need?

Well, for starters, new costumes,

and two of those sliding poles!

Like, for firemen, you know, in batmen.

All yours.

Just pull out your porn-stuffed phone and hit accept.

It'll load everything you need.

We've done all the intel, we've done all the research.

We know what you want...

even if you don't.

Give me your phone. [ Sighs ]

Don't go into the gallery.

I'm not gonna look at your porn.

Oh, you have no idea how much you don't wanna see his porn.

Just scroll down to the bottom and hit accept.

[ Cellphone clacking ]

[ Cellphone chimes ] Done.

Jefferson: Alright, Chicago!

Makin' good time.

We get an early start tomorrow,

we'll there by mid-day.

W-wait, we're gonna stop?

We can't stop! What about Hank?

Shoulda thought of that before you poached the pooty.

"Poached the p-poo-?"

Stealing your own brother's girlfriend, man.

That's lowdown. You told?!

Don't you have a vow of secrecy or something?

I am not your Catholic priest.

Know what kinda people do that?

Take other folks' lives for their own?

Vampire people.

Oh, don't be so hard on the boy, Jefferson.

He's tormented enough.

Alright, sorry.

Ugh, I'm just beat.

I got a place we can crash nearby.

This does not look like a motel.

You want to work pro-bono, we can't afford one.

This was my old base of operations back in the day.

Uh, I like your new place better.

Man: Jefferson Twilight!

[ Gasps ] Ah!

What're you doing here?

[ Grunts ]

[ Evil laughs ]

Clayton!

Just passing though on our way to Colorado.

Got any room for some overnight guests?

We've still got your room.

C'mon the heck up, fellas. [ Laughs ]

So, you two must be the rest of the famous Order of the Triad.

Only myself.

Our tertiary member is back at our New York headquarters.

Oooo. The boy here is our...

client.

Ah! [ Electricity crackles ]

Heya, Seth. S'up?

Oh, hey, Jefferson!

Long time.

Aw, shit.

Guys! We have roaches!

So are you guys, like, Mr. Jefferson's old team?

[ Laughs ] Nah, no, no, no, we were never a team.

Oh, we're not a team.

It's more of a shared live work space deal.

We're all obsessive loners who need the space and privacy

of an abandoned factory.

But like to keep expenses down.

Aaaaand here you are.

Just like you left it.

Ah, thanks, again, man.

Hey, you wanna grab a nightcap before we turn in?

Nah, you know me.

Night's my busy time.

[ Laughs ]

[ Grunts ] Think you packed enough stuff?

One must be prepared for anything.

And my cloak gets all wrinkly if I wear it in the car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll take the couch. You two can share the bed.

We're leavin' at first light.

[ Beads rattle ]

Hey.

You blocked my battle van in.

Gracias, señor!

Okay, Hank.

Ready for this?

Huh, well that's new.

Hmmm. Didn't plan for this contingency.

If only I'd packed my grapple gun.

Dammit! We should turn back.

He-eh -- I got this one.

[ Fence creaking ]

What the...?

W-what happened to it all?

A-all those memories, my whole life!

And it's just one big...

nothing-hole?!

All the answers are right in front of you.

You just gotta look.

♪♪

Scamp!

Here, boy! Here, Scamp!

Brock: Alright, you really gotta pound that hip in there.

Break his balance. You can't just pull the guy over.

You have to roll him over your hip.

Mecha-Shiva! Mecha-Shiva!

You are an Immortal.

Like, the Highlander?

Yes, like the Highlander.

We are clones, Hank.

Dean, that is...awesome!

Monarch: [ Laughs ] Dance! Dance, little man!

-I think we're being shut down! -Jacketttt!

Employee Dean, isn't that your make-believe girlfriend?

Oh, crap! Where?

Ma Venture didn't raise no fools.

W-We don't have a mom, Hank.

We don't have a mom, Hank.

[ Thunder crashes ]

All: We don't have a mom.

[ Echoing ] Mom.

[ Whimpers ]

Hank: Are you talking about my mom?

Action Man: Yeah. Dammit, Hank, you're missing my point!

What was my mom's name?!

It's Bobbi St. Simone!

H-huh, B-Bobbi?

Bobbi St. Simone! That's a dumb name!

She was an actress!

She was an actress...

Halt! In the name of the Office of Secret Intelligence!

Bobbi St. Simone. She was an actress.

Hank?! Dude, what're you, high?

D-Dermott? Dude, what're you doing here?

I totally coulda shot you.

W-With a super-soaker?

It's not a -- I haven't got my lethal firearms rating yet!

Friggin' red tape and shit.

But it is filled with pee and I am authorized to --

Dermott! Listen: I need your help!

Fuck yeah, we're gettin' the band back together!

Doc: Ahem. Testing, one, two.

One, two, three.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press,

VenTech is proud to present

its revolutionary new product -- the Helper Pod!

The cutting edge of...

Are we in still love with that name?

"Helper Pod?"

[ Furious beeping ] The name stays.

Ain't changin' all these slides again.

Maybe we shorten it to, uhh, Help Pod?"

That's catchier, right?

Nah, nah, sounds like "Hell Pod."

Wasn't asking you, Hatred.

Aren't you done down there yet?

It'd go a heckuva lot faster if I had get a li'l help here...

fellas.

Where do you two think you're going?

My mom made chicken piccata!

And if you want this thing ready by tomorrow

morning, which is impossible,

by the way, we're gonna need to fuel up

for an all-nighter.

Well, hide that thing under your coat.

There might be paparazzi outside!

And make your mother sign an NDA!

[ Insects chirping ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Handle cranks ]

[ Upbeat music plays ]

♪♪

Ahh... What? What's the problem?

Dude, our suits have giant outie belly buttons!

Ew! They're worse than the nipple suit in "Batman Forever!"

Ah, and they catch the light when you gyrate!

Ugh, it's a horror show!

[ Gasps ]

Ah! Yes! Yes!

Whoo!

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

Zing!

Swimming.

Garçon!

What's on tonight's menu?

For the main course, our chef recommends stealing

Dr. Venture's latest invention.

Mmmm. That sounds tasty.

Oh, that comes with one battle-tank garnished

with a top mounted laser that shoots your logo.

And it's served with a side of five armed henchmen.

Mm, how about 10?

I've worked up quite an appetite.

Excellent choice, sir. 10.

Shall I put your order in?

Oh, absolutely.

I am famished.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Surf rock music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ You gotta follow that bikini ♪

♪♪

♪ Follow that bikini ♪

♪♪

Dude, for real? Shhh!

♪♪

That's her!

Whoa, she's hot!

I'd do her. Dude!

That's my mom! Pfft.

Why, cuz Chewbacca told you in a dream?

He wasn't Chewbacca, he was Mark Hand

the Catchman, as played by The Action Man.

And it wasn't a dream.

It was Coma Town.

Whoa, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I know this chick!

What? You do?!

Yeah, yeah.

Hold on here.

Yep. Yeah, fuckin' knew it!

Check it out.

Ah, this proves it!

They totally XO'ed each other!

Wait, why do you have this?

Hey, Fictel! Fictel!

Who the heck is that?

Nuthin', he's just a crazy old hippie

who's always trespassing on the compound.

You're the trespasser, ya sticky-fingered little fascist!

Hey, it's Old Man Potter.

He lives in that haunted house on the edge of the compound.

Hi, Mr. Potter!

Ben. M'name's Ben. Not Potter.

How many times I gotta -- Dude, we're busy!

Whaddya need? Uh...polyphase Venturilium converter?

Blue, kinda looks like a car battery

with a funnel on one end?

'Bout yay big? Ah, fine.

One sec'.

Think fast, old man.

Who, wah! Dammit! How much?

Dugh, I dunno, like $200?

$200. Why, you greedy little...

Fine. Put it ah...

put it on my tab.

Minus the beer!

Dermott, did you steal all this stuff from our compound?

Uh, excuse me? I secured it.

For the O.S.I.!

They don't want your dad's old tech

falling into the wrong hands.

Sure. Can we get back to my Mommy Quest?

Maybe one of these videos'll tell me where she is now.

[ Mouse clicks ]

[ Somber music plays ]

We all know animals make wonderful companions.

But far too many of them are being turned into

sidekicks and hench-beasts every day,

and they need your help.

Hello, I'm Bobbi St. Simone.

♪♪

[ Screams ]

[ Snoring ]

Hmmm...

I saw him again!

With the awful Fictel boy.

He's inching closer to his fate!

We must stop him!

We haven't a moment to lose!

[ Pants ]

[ Sniffs ]

♪♪

[ Hissing ]

[ Screams ]

Ow. Ow.

Gimme a second. I think I pulled something.

Shouldn'a come back here, Hunter.

Chi-Town belongs to the Blood Brothers now!

[ Laughter ]

Get in the Blood Vessel!

Yes, sir!

Uh, you, too, O'.

Nay, we shall fight them together!

Magic cloak, I thee invoke!

[ Laughs ]

Your magic don't work on us, fool!

Is that true? 'Fraid so.

You might wanna... [ Clicks tongue ]

Off I go!

[ Grunts ]

[ Blackulas hissing ]

♪♪

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

No! Lock everything!

Can they turn into smoke?

Can they get in through the air conditioner?

[ Hissing ] Oh, no!

Orpheus, clean that bug off my windshield!

Clean what...

Oh, yes.

[ Groans ]

Holy water. [ Tink! ]

Whoa, now!

[ Grunts ]

[ Hissing ] No, no, no, no.

♪♪

[ Sniffing ]

♪♪

[ Gasps ]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

[ Grunting ]

[ Laughter ]

The Hunter's mine!

But first we make him watch while we turn his friends

into that which he hates the most.

Oh, you can try.

But I don't think they can pull off that New Jack style.

[ Blackulas hissing ]

Hey, no fair!

Did that sumbitch just bail on us?

♪♪

Unhand my friends, blood-suckers!

Nah, you don't get to do that.

♪♪

[ Roaring ]

W-what the hell is that?

Wh-what the fuck is that shit?

An' you all are getting killed by this?

You're really gonna let that thing kick your ass.

Move, move, move! You wanna get bit? Let's go!

I knew it. I knew. You all are punks! Move your narrow ass!

Everybody is getting -- You getting fucked up, too?

Oh, now you gettin' fucked up, now you gettin' fucked up.

Oh, wait a minute. It's comin' over here.

Ahh! Now I'm gettin' fucked up!

[ High-pitched scream ]

[ All panting ]

That was so close!

So nice of your old team to lend us a hand back there.

I told you, we were never a team!

W-wha...

It's the police!

Oh, my God! It's the police!

It's not the police!

Of course it's the police!

It's so obviously the police!

Toto! It's Toto!

Everyone knows it's Toto!

Toto? Toto did "Rosanna!"

Roxanne is "The Police!"

Ohhhh, right.

Ah, ya see where I got it all mixed up.

Roxanne, Rosanna. I mean...

[ Sighs ] Alright...

Let's just...siege.

Ya know, they're both really great songs.

Now I'm way off my game.

Yeah, you really dug in there.

I don't know why I dig in like that.

You really dig in. I just dig in.

Alright! Okay!

[ Exhales sharply ] Shake it off.

Laser cannon ready!

Okay, okay, okay, okay, kay.

No, no, I-I really don't wanna do the speech.

Fire? Yeah, yeah, yeah, fire, whatever.

Dude, come on.

Fiiiiine.

For you.

Fire!

♪♪

Uh, we can't fit through that.

Oh, great siege! This is great!

Don't blame me!

That's a really delicate logo.

Oh, okay it's my fault we can't fit through our logo?

[ Alarm blaring ] There is a breach in sector A-11.

Huh, wha...

Oh, come on!

Aghh!

Penthouse Emergency Mode!

Come on, gah!

I gotta take the ding-dong stairs!

[ Elevator dings ]

Seriously?

It's the middle of the night,

my husband snuck out, now I gotta...

Wh-- What?

Why are you all looking at me weird?

Welcome to ARCH headquarters.

Or what's left of it, at least.

We de-encrypted the data from the phone

we took off that agent.

It led us right here.

I'm sorry Madam.

For what? Come on. What's going on?

This is weird. I'll say it.

We've got tons of evidence here that closes this case.

And it all leads to you.

W-What are you talking about?

You're not serious, right?

Oh, we're dead serious.

That's you.

This is a hard one to get out of.

And this video's just one tube of lube in an orgy of evidence.

The Guild and the O.S.I. both have enough on you

to hang you for treason.

This is a set up!

You can't possibly think I did this!

Be fucking reasonable!

It's all right here.

The evidence speaks for itself.

It's too bad that we can't find you.

You're just too clever.

You slipped away.

But we will hunt you down.

I'm sorry, Sheila, but you're gonna have to run away.

What?

Ruuunnnnnnn!

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

[ Horse whinnies ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Dude, our ride just left with our troops.

Oh, come on now!

You know, we should just take an L on this crap.

ARCH fuckin' sucks.

We got played. [ Alarm blares ]

Nobody...

No-- Nobody move.

[ Coughing ]

So many stairs.

Oh, suck on this, fatty!

Feel the sting of the --

Oh shi--

[ Both screaming ]

[ Gunshots continue ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cellphone alarm blaring ]

Hey, hey! Hey, time out!

I think it's an Amber alert or a silver alert.

Is no one else getting this?

[ Blaring continues ]

♪♪

Right about now...

What did -- What're ya...

What is this now?

Emcee Rob Base and D.J. E-Z Rock.

Hit it!

♪♪

♪♪

♪ It takes two to make a thing go right ♪

♪ It takes two to make it outta sight ♪

♪ It takes two to make a thing go right ♪

♪ It takes two to make it outta sight ♪

[ Ground rumbling ]

♪ I wanna rock right now ♪

♪ I'm Rob Base and I came to get down ♪

♪ I'm not internationally known ♪

♪ But I'm known to rock the microphone ♪

♪ Because I get stupid, I mean outrageous ♪

♪ Stay away from me if you're contagious ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the winner, no, not a loser ♪

♪ To be an M.C. is what I choose-a ♪

♪ Ladies love me, girls adore me ♪

♪ I mean even the ones who never saw me ♪

♪ Like the way that I rhyme at a show ♪

♪ The reason why, man, I don't know ♪ [ Horns honking ]

♪ So let's go, 'cause ♪

♪♪

♪ It takes two to make a thing go right ♪

♪ It takes two to make it outta sight ♪

♪♪

Uh, three o'clock, Brock of Seagulls.

Isn't that your house?

Holy fuck!

Pilot! Follow that...

skyscraper!

[ Watch phone ringing ]

Doc! Are you okay?!

What the hell is going on over there?!

I'm fine.

Hatred pulled the alarm or something.

You know how paranoid he can get.

Paranoid? Do you not -- What the --

Have you looked out a window?!

No, silly-billy, I'm in the panic room.

There aren't any win-- Go look out the fucking window!

Fiiiiiine.

Second night in a row I'm getting no sleep

because of you people.

Okay, what am I supposed to be looking at,

a double rainbow or something?

All I see is...

Oh.

Oooo...

♪ I'm number one, the uno, I like comp ♪

♪ Bring all the suckers 'cause all them I'll stomp ♪

Hey Helper! Helper!

Stop the music!

It's not working. Hit the power button!

I'm hitting the power button! Agh! That racket!

Don't just whack it, you gotta hold it down for three seconds!

Party's over, laddies.

I-It's not a party, we're working.

And that's why we don't bring our super-science

work home with us!

Ma, don't clean.

White'll do it. Oh, just a quick tidy...

No, Ma, please. [ Cellphone ringing ]

Doc! I was about to call you.

We absolutely cannot launch tomorrow!

Ohhhh, we're way past "launch."

Horse: I apologize for that kerfuffle back there.

We know you're innocent, so we gave you the chance to prove it.

And you're a talking horse? Great.

No, it's me, Red Death, but I'm a horse, too.

D-Daisy is connected to me by a neurotransmitter.

We are one.

I understand -- Wait.

You named a flaming hell-horse Daisy?

No, my daughter Lila named me.

I wanted to call me Lady Disaster.

But in retrospect it's more of a name for band.

Well, Daisy, where are we going?

I've got good news and bad news.

Which do you want first? I need some good news.

A rental agreement found at the remains of ARCH

led to a woman called Mantilla.

I'm riding you to her apartment now.

Is it riding? Or am I flying you there?

Carrying, maybe? Riding's fine.

What's the bad news?

Your husband's joined ARCH, and he appears

to be flying a building to the moon.

What?! And there is an OSI Interceptor about to shoot us down.

Hang on!

♪♪

[ Snoring ]

[ Vehicle approaching ]

[ Tires squeal ]

Dermott Fictel! We need your help!

No, you need to learn to use a friggin' door, dude.

Get outta my room!

Time is of the essence.

Where is Hank Venture?

I ain't seen him. Liar!

Pants aflame!

His psychic residue permeates the air about you!

I sense it still!

Yeah, I dropped a big deuce before you got here,

you're probably smellin' that.

Wh--? Foul boy!

Master Venture is in grave danger!

Tell us where he is, Dermott! Pff.

What is this, the Good Cop, Unabomber routine?

Well, I ain't no snitch.

Where is Hank?!

Whoa! Alright, fine!

He went to look for your mom.

Bullpucky! We don't have a mom!

Woah, woah, woah, woah! W-We Googled her!

She's down the road in some shitty zoo!

D-Dean?

[ Hisses ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Whimpers ] It's starting!

I can feel it. I'm turning.

Th-- the change!

Oh, God! Ughhhh!

What's eatin' him?

What shitty zoo?

♪♪

This is crazy.

Your whole life you've wondered about her,

and she's been right here the whole time?

[ Normal voice ] Mmm, this was the place in the video.

Yeah, but how do you know it's her joint?

She was an actress.

'Coulda been jobbing on a commercial gig.

She's here.

I can just feel it.

Huh. Looks like it's closed.

That's-a never stop you before.

Love can-a open all-a doors.

Go! Meet-a you mama!

You sure you want to do that?

This woman abandoned you!

Oh, what do you know?

Batman's mom's dead.

Hmph. Some mystery.

I always thought the missing mom'd turn out to be

the Queen of Atlantis or some other swell.

Mmm, I had-a my money on-a "she was-a

trapped in-a the quantum realm."

I thought she is prostitute.

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Leaves rustling ]

Hm?

M-mom?

[ Roars ] [ Screams ]

[ Roaring ] [ Whimpering ]

Woman: Buddy, no!

Go play your drums.

♪♪

Huh, if it isn't Hank Venture.

You're younger than I expected.

Y-you were expecting me?

I've come to. Is your brother with you?

We had a...falling out.

Oh, that's a shame.

Family is --

it's everything really.

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke?

Language, Hank.

Oh, language shmanguage!

Where have you been all my life?

Hm. Right. [ Exhales sharply ]

'Guess you're gonna want to hear the whole sordid story, huh?

Billy: Alright, Doc, we figured out what's going on. [ Dance music blaring ]

The magnets in the Pods' speakers

are made of cutting edge super-conductors.

And, thanks to a software glitch --

White: Not my fault. It's your fault.

When the volume goes up, so do they

by generating a powerful magnetic field.

It's actually kind of amazing.

We accidentally built a miniature anti-gravity engine.

Go Team Venture.

So can White fix the glitch?

Not a problem.

If I could get into the software that is.

But someone locked me out of the system, so...

problem. So what do I do? Cut the power?

That's the last thing you want to do!

VenTech would plummet like a bag of hot rocks!

Or, you know, a 500,000 ton skyscraper.

Exactly why I'm getting the hell out of here,

if Hatred would get his fat ass up to the hangar already.

[ Panting ]

I...stairs...

Doc, from that height, if VenTech crashes down

it'll take out half of Manhattan!

Well, I definitely don't want to be in it when that happens.

No, you can't let that happen!

Y-Y-You just can't bail, you have to fix this!

You have a responsibility, we all do!

This is our fault!

I didn't even want to make these goddamn things!

You people talked me into this "lifestyle products" crap!

I was happier as a middling super-scientist

in the middle of nowhere!

You done feeling sorry for yourself?

[ Sighs ] Yeah. What do we do?

Your only hope is to shut the Helper pods down manually,

one by one, until you start to level off.

Then gradually turn more off to control your descent.

Okay. And how do I do that?

Uh, we've found shooting them to be pretty effective.

Yeah, but the thing is, with all that electromagnetic energy --

[ Static plays ]

Doc? Doc?!

Billy? Hello, Billy?

I lost you.

Hello? [ Grunts ]

Uh, you get all that, Hatred?

Turn around and head back downstairs.

I'll meet you by the mezzanine elevator.

Sgt. Hatred: [ Panting ]

[ Banging on window ]

Hey, hey, hey! Help us!

Help us! Get us outta here!

Help us, baldy! Please take us with you!

You're gonna shoot 'em down?! You can't do that!

If it's between them and millions of citizens

nestled snuggly in their beds, I can and will.

The second they tumble into Uncle Sam's airspace.

Just give me a chance.

Put me in a shuttle and get me up there!

No dice, Samson.

This is one cluster you can't un-fuck with a Bowie knife.

ARCH ain't playing by the rules.

We're in uncharted territory here.

Uh, not entirely true, Sir.

September 1962, Fantastic Four number six.

Dr. Doom lifted the Baxter Building

into space with a device called "The Grabber."

Really? And how'd ol' Reed and F.F.

get outta that sticky wicket?

They had help, sir.

From Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner.

Hmph. Last I checked, Dr. Venture

doesn't have one of those, does he?

No. He's only one of the foremost

super-scientists on the planet,

with a seasoned super-soldier at his side

who used to be one of ours.

That's a team you can bet on.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you are adorable. Oh, you guys suck!

Fine, if you don't trust them to fix this,

then trust the agent we have working the ARCH angle.

If ARCH is pulling the strings here, she'll cut 'em.

[ Laser whirring ]

[ Whispering ] Alright, I'm gonna look around.

Watch your head.

Eh, looks like an episode of "Intervention" in here.

Or an episode of "C.S.I."

Man, someone is obsessed with your husband. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, my God. How'd she even get these?

That's a picture of us eating dinner.

There's one of you both asleep in your bed.

Ew. It's like she was always there.

I was.

I was there for all of it.

It should have been me.

You dropped your gun when you landed on me.

Aw, nice job, you two.

Now the knife you keep in your boot, please.

I know you.

You're that girl that my husband used to date.

Debbie, right? You're Debbie!

Ha, trying to erase me and steal my husband?

Okay, first of all, it's Debra, not Debbie,

and second of all, you got it all wrong.

The crime scene cliché here tells a different story.

Yeah, it started as kind of a checklist,

then I had all these pictures, then I got some...yarn.

You never set out to make an "I'm crazy" wall,

but ya know.

They happen. It's an organic thing.

You insinuated yourself into the sanctity of matrimony.

I took some pictures, go cry about it.

Who is the talking horse? Daisy.

Well, Daisy, why don't you sit down and shut up,

because this has nothing to do with you.

And I'm not obsessed with The Monarch. Seriously?

Right now that evil genius and his brilliant arch enemy

are flying haplessly into space in overpriced real estate.

No offense to morons, but [snorts]

your husband is their king.

I don't know what you even see in him.

Daisy: Of course!

It's you.

She's obsessed with you.

Daisy, seriously, shut your mouth.

I have no problem shooting a robot horse.

[ Gun cocks ]

Bobbi: The year was 19-I'd-rather-not-say,

and I was shooting "Follow That Bikini"

on the Isotope lot.

Your grandfather was consulting

on some hush-hush project on the next sound stage,

and I guess our little movie piqued his curiosity.

He told me he knew a much more convincing way

to make me look invisible,

and invited me back to his compound to show me.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Well, it sure was convincing!

And so was Jonas.

I ended up staying the night,

which is how I met your father.

And that's when you fell in love and had me and Dean?

No, cuckoo-pants.

He was just a little kid at the time.

Adorable little Rusty.

Such a sweetie.

'Little bit sad, too.

I think he asked if I was his mommy.

Anyway, "Follow That Bikini" was a certified bomb.

Talk about a fading star!

I couldn't even make it through an audition without fading.

I begged Jonas to fix me, but instead,

he and his O.S.I. cronies offered me a job.

And just like that, I went from an actress...

to a spy.

Cool!

It ain't like it is in the movies, kid.

They threw me to the wolves.

But I guess they knew their wolves,

because it wasn't long before I caught the eye of the alpha.

Force Majeure.

Number One on the O.S.I.'s Most Wanted List,

Sovereign of the Guild of Calamitous Intent

and Jonas Venture's arch enemy.

Gaining his trust was easy-peasy.

My "special talent" made me a natural for super-crime.

And truth is, I was attracted the Guild lifestyle...

and to him, meow.

It didn't matter how many dumb names

I crossed off their Most Wanted list,

the O.S.I. only wanted Force Majeure.

But how could I betray the man I'd fallen in love with?

The father of my child?

[ Spits ] Whoa!

Force Majeure is my real father?!

No, Hank. I was talking about my daughter.

I have a sister?!

Does my dad know?

Your father comes later.

After Force Majeure was usurped,

I knew I was next on the new Sovereign's hit list.

So I grabbed little Debbie and got the heck outta Dodge.

And after a decade on the run,

I just wanted to live a normal life again.

Jonas was dead by then, so I found your father

and asked for his help.

Aaaand...?

And...he helped me. That's it.

That's it?! Nothing else happened

between your father and me, Hank.

I'm not your mother.

And...I've already told you all of this.

W-What do you mean?

This ain't the first time you've come looking for me, kid.

Heck, it isn't even the second.

Wha...

[ Mumbling ]

♪♪

[ Gasps ]

Awwwwww sh--

Hank? Hank?!

Buddy, fetch the smelling salts!

[ Grunts ]

No need, Buddy.

I shall take it from here.

Monarch: I can't believe we stayed for your over-the-hill rent-a-cop.

Why didn't we just leave him and get the hell out of here?

We didn't stay for Hatred, we stayed because if we leave,

the building'll kill a bunch of people.

[ Scoffs ] So? Dude.

And that's why I'm always the hero

and you're always the villain.

Oh, don't flatter yourself, slick.

And don't think this is some buddy-buddy

comic book team-up crap.

I still hate you. Yeah?

Well I hate you, too.

But I don't walk around obsessing about it all day.

It's not why I put on my speedsuit every morning.

[ Inhales sharply ]

Why'd you fuck Debbie? Debbie?

Debbie who? Debbie St. Simone!

She was my girlfriend.

Debbie from 20 years ago Debbie?

We never voh-dee-oh-doh-doh'ed,

I did some work for her and her mother.

[ Inhales sharply ]

Fine.

[ Elevator whirring ]

Hey, uh, you hear this crap about how we might be related?

[ Scoffs ] Ridiculous. Ridiculous, right?

Yeah, that's what I said.

I mean, maybe you go back like

20 generations or something.

Sure, sure. Yeah, they say like half the world

can trace their roots to Genghis Khan.

Exactly. Exactly.

Then again, my dad did get around.

And he did know your mom, so...

[ Music blaring ]

[ Elevator dings ] Say it again!

Say that about my mother one more time!

I will kick you in your fucking throat meat!

What the hell?!

The elevators work?!

What?! Of course, you just override the --

Oh, never mind, get in.

Ah, geez.

[ Rapid beeps ]

You've been waiting all day for this, haven't you?

[ Gun cocks ]

Okay, it's gonna be loud in there,

and probably a little disorienting.

So get in and get out.

Start in the corners, pick off a few pods,

then regroup in here to reload.

We'll work in waves.

What?! What?! Doc, what?!

Just follow my lead!

[ Music blaring ]

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

[ All screaming ]

♪♪

No! [ Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

♪♪

[ Grunting ]

Abort!

Abort the mission!

♪♪

Grab him!

Come on now! Pull!

Pull!

Ggggrrr!

[ Screams ]

[ Panting ]

-Come on. -Dammit.

-Aaahh! -Get far away.

♪♪

You'll never take-a me alive, Bat-a fool!

Hyah!

Ow! [ Laughs ]

No fair!

Aw, it's all in my eye slits now...

No, no, no. Clients like petite girl.

You make good money, you do this.

I only keep 50 percent. Think about.

[ Dolls shriek softly ] Hmmm, call me daffy,

but I'd bet dollars to donuts

we're not in Colorado anymore.

Orpheus: Hank?

Hank?

Haaaank?

Master Venture, are you here?

Doctor Orpheus?

What are you doing here?

Are you in a coma, too?

No, young Hank.

We have come to rescue you.

Why're you dressed as Borat? I know not.

But I deduce your comatose delusions

are somehow drawn from half-remembered cinema.

Jefferson: You're Zed, man! From "Zardoz?"

Sci-fi classic! Hrm.

Be that as it may,

you must come back with us, young Hank.

Back? To what?

There's nothing there for me.

I don't have a girlfriend anymore.

My mommy isn't even my mommy.

And my own brother stabbed me in the back.

Who do you think brought me here,

some 1,700 miles through dark of night

and threat of desanguination, just to find you?

It was Dean.

I drove!

Jefferson drove.

But your brother's love for you and his deep

and earnest remorse were our compass.

He is waiting out there to make amends.

Your whole life is waiting!

So...am I calling an ambulance, or...?

No, no. They can fix him.

Mr. Jefferson's kind of a conduit between realms,

so he's taking Dr. Orpheus into Hank's coma world.

So, that one's a doctor, Okay.

I'm, uh, I'm not your mother, by the way.

Oh, I know.

Oh. So you remember me, then?

Uh, have we met? [ Groans ]

Dr. Girlfriend: So you ruin my life,

you launch my husband into space,

then suddenly you and I are listening to Dolly Parton,

kicking it as "Sheila and the Invisible Debbie?"

You chose a ridiculous 20-year revenge plan

over asking me to team up?

When?! Seriously, Sheila, when?

You went from Truckules, to Phantom Limb,

right to The Monarch.

Always a number two for some incompetent man.

I'm saving you from that system!

Me! You're welcome!

Screw you, Debbie.

I'm not gonna thank you and join ARCH.

ARCH? There is no ARCH.

But there could be.

Do you know how easy it was to poach from the Guild?

We could have their entire roster

if we just gave them a better insurance package

and donuts every Friday.

They're hungry!

For more than just donuts.

They want efficiency donuts!

Effective leadership donuts!

"Sixteen Candles!"

Horse, What? What now? What?

You sitting on that table.

I was trying to remember what it reminded me of.

It's the end of "Sixteen Candles." [ Hoof stomps ]

It was killing me.

Thanks. Very helpful.

Debbie, wake up.

This is nuts.

Let's go back to the Guild and fix it.

It's not too late. There should be a cake.

You're Guild persona non grata!

There's no going back to that mess.

The Council of Thirteen is now what, seven old men?

There's no Sovereign.

You have no choice but to start again!

You and me! No.

I have always had a choice.

You followed me for years,

and you know my life isn't perfect,

but I don't need to be saved from it.

Yes, the Guild is a mess, and we're trying to make it better.

But I'm not a victim.

I chose my life.

I never chose my life.

My mother chose my life.

You know why I broke up with The Monarch?

He told me it was because you slept with Dr. Venture.

Gross, no, ew.

I never slept -- G-- Ugh!

Ew! God, that was business.

Rusty just took away my mom's invisibility and gave it to me.

And I gave him my...

stuff I wasn't planning on using.

I can't believe he told you I slept with Rusty.

Well, then why did you break up with him?

Please!

My mom took one look at his costume and was like,

"No way! You're not dating a super villain!

We gave all that up!"

Your mom was an antagonist? Who?

Honey, my mom was "The" antagonist!

Madam Majeure.

I'm the daughter of Force Majeure.

The last true Sovereign of The Guild!

And my mom has me shoveling monkey shit?

I'm Debra fuck'n Majeure!

You are the rightful heir

to the Guild of Calamitous Intent.

My Liege. I'm at your service.

Rise, humble servant.

You shall be my steed and be at my side

as I take my birthright --

Shut that noise up!

That's not how this ends!

I'm done with your plan, Debbie.

Here's my plan. Non-negotiable.

I'll save your ass from the Guild and OSI,

and make you a super villain.

Simply bring down that flying building my husband's in,

and untie us.

Now! Don't fucking listen to that horse!

Seriously, I need to shut my mouth.

Mm-hmm, I knew that wasn't gonna fly.

Yeah, deal. I'll bring it down.

I'm not nuts, ya know?

Despite the, nerh-nerh. [ Laughs ]

I just wanted... [ Clears throat ]

Or thought maybe we could've -- Rrghh!

I wanna blame my mom here, but I gotta -- Oh, my God, whatever!

Bring the building down!

Oh shit, yeah, sorry.

Just gotta turn off the...

Done. [ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Panting ]

That was -- that was so much wrong...

New -- Need new plan...

[ All panting ]

I think all my organs are inside out.

I think...mine came out my ass.

Wait, wait. Shh, shh!

The music stopped. Thank fucking God.

Uh, no. That's a bad thing.

That's very ba--

Ahh! Shit! I'm weightless!

Well, duh! We're in space, right?

No, we're in free fall.

We're falling.

Oh, my God, the building is falling!

[ All Screaming ]

♪♪

Wait! Wait! Wait! Think!

We've still got your plane.

Can we get back to the hangar from here?

I don't know!

I don't even know what part of the building this is!

Well, we know the hangar's up, right?

So let's go up!

[ All grunting ]

H-How long have we got?

Uh, uh, uh, let's see...

Felix Baumgartner took just over four minutes.

Uh, but he started in the stratosphere,

and the air's thinner in the mesosphere and the thermosphere,

So terminal velocity -- Sgt. Hatred: Ballpark it, egghead!

Uh, less than five minutes!

[ Clang ] Ow!

Can't see a goddamn thing. Doesn't anybody have a light?

Monarch: I think my costume had headlight goggles.

But your angry robot DJs ate it.

Hang on, I think I got some matches.

You know, for my stogies.

And... bathroom odors.

[ Match strikes ]

[ All scream ]

21: Gah! What the fuck was that?!

Doc: Our way out.

[ Whooping ]

I mean, I guess I could give it another try out there.

Eh, but I don't think they're gonna want to go back.

Look at 'em.

Then leave them.

They are the stuff of fantasy,

conjured by a hurt and frightened boy

who's outgrown his need for them.

They belong in this place.

But they're...me.

No more than the Hank whose diapers

your father once changed.

Or the Hank who lost his first tooth,

or scanned the December sky for Santa's sleigh.

You will carry them inside you always,

but their time has passed.

♪♪

[ Laughing ] Aw! He's really cute.

Aw, he likes you.

You know, if you ever want to come visit --

t-to see the animals --

you're welcome anytime.

Your brother, too.

Well, thanks. That sounds...nice.

But we don't really live around here anymore.

Ya see, we moved to the...

[ Zap ]

-Goodbye! -Good-a-bye, Hank-a Venture!

-Goodbye! -Arrivederci!

Aaaaahhhhh!

Dean?

All: Deeeeean!

Here's what's coming to you!

-How about a little chin music, huh? -Aah! Hanks!

[ All shouting, grunting ]

-No, no, no, no, no! -Guys! Guys, quit it!

Stop! Forgive him!

We forgive him!

[ Hanks shouting ]

Jefferson!

Exeunt, s'il vous plaît!

Hrmm.

[ Gasps ]

Ugh.

Oh, thank God...

-Huh! -Sorry, Deano.

Guess I had a little residual anger there, huh?

No, I... kinda deserved that.

Hey, thanks for coming to rescue me.

Oh, did Pop come, too?

Well, he... y'know...

he -- he had a thing.

Brock? You guys bring Brock?

[ Siren wailing in distance ]

W-What is it?

Is it a missile?

It's...

It's coming down!

We have target lock.

Awaiting your order, General.

Sorry, Samson.

Artillery!

On my mark...

Uh... Something's happening to it.

[ Whooshing ]

♪♪

Ventronic Red is go!

Ventronic Gold is go!

Ventronic Blue is go!

Nuh-uh, not saying that shit.

♪♪

I remember that fucking thing.

Doc: Sgt. Gold, get us down there!

Henchman Blue, get ready to grab that building.

Gah! Easy, Godzilla!

That's my house!

Sorry! Sorry! I've never driven a...

giant arm before!

Hatred, back it up!

[ Grunts ]

[ All shout ]

21: I don't know if I can hold it!

Monarch! Help me out here!

Help how?! I'm a fucking clown!

Sgt. Hatred: Yeah, ya can say that again.

"You can say that again." Fuck you!

Do these things even do anything?

[ Squeak ]

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Uh, General? Are we firing, or...?

Belay that order!

By golly, they have a fightin' chance!

Artillery! Switch to harpoon cannons!

Snoopy!

Find somewhere safe to put her down!

We're goin' in!

♪♪

♪♪

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

[ Rapid beeping ]

Aahhhh...

Gah!

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

[ Alarm sounds ]

[ Grunting ]

Ugh! Aah!

[ Alarm continues ]

[ All shouting ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Whoo! Yeah! -Whoo-hoo!

Whoa! Is this...real life?

Are we moving back?

[ Tires screech ]

Aah! Ugh!

We... [ Coughing ]

We did it... [ Panting ]

[ Metal creaking ]

[ High-pitched ringing ]

[ Heartbeat thudding ]

21: [ Distantly ] Monarch?

Monarch?

Dude, are you awake?

Oh, my God, he's really hurt!

Medic! We need a medic here!

Medic!

No, I'm not that kind of doctor, but...

Jesus, look at that!

My Dad clearly wants him dead.

Whoa! Boys?!

What are you doing here? Well, where should we be?

If we were home right now, home wouldn't be.

What're you all standing around for?

We gotta get this thing off him.

Everybody! On three...

One!

Two!

Three!

[ All grunting ]

[ Gibberish ]

Whoa, that's a lotta blood!

[ Gasps ] B-B-Blood?

-Oof! -No, no, no, no, no!

I seen a lotta battlefield injuries.

That is a ruptured liver right there!

Sergeant! I can enter the inter-dimensional ether

and procure a liver from one of Mr. Monarch's

other dimensional selves,

returning with the organ before this event has transpired!

P-P-Please don't kill me!

What?! Now, why would I...

I got bit. Back in Chicago.

I can feel the change coming.

[ Sobbing ] I don't wanna be a vampire!

Boy, you got nicked by my necklace

when I tackled your ass, is all.

Hey -- Huh?!

Always gotta make it about you.

All I can smell is blood!

I have a liver! I have a liver!

What the hell is that? That's disgusting.

Oh, it has inverted.

The time shift part inverts matter.

My bad. Oh, my God, you guys!

He's totally dying! What do we do?!

[ Horn honking ]

I can fix him.

[ Beeping, whirring ]

Dr. Girlfriend: Eh, there. You're vanquished.

And I guess I'm a hero for saving the Guild.

These records will be intercepted by OSI.

Case closed.

Mantilla: And I'm set up with a sweet villain gig?

I already have costume ideas!

The Peril Partnership will be expecting you.

Daisy'll fly you to their Toronto headquarters.

It's time you lived up to your pedigree.

You make me sound like a poodle.

[ Laughs, snorts ]

Or a -- Or a Petit Basset Griffon Vendéen!

[ Chuckles ] Stupidest dog name.

Don't drink that! Watch and Ward pee in bottles.

That's probably pee.

Ugh, when guys get comfortable somewhere,

they always start peeing in bottles.

What is wrong with them?

Ugh, who the hell knows?

Hey, how long does your, uh, invisible blood last?

Oh, like another day or so? Why? [ Gasps ]

Do you wanna go do invisible stuff and freak people out?

No, I gotta go get my husb-- [ Machine beeping ]

Sorry, just a sec, these are, uh,

Venture's DNA results from the mug.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-- Oh, my God!

[ Gasps ] The Phantom of the Guild!

The legends are true!

Doc: My dad...

What a dick.

[ Sighs ]

I mean our dad. [ Chuckles ]

Crazy, right?

Yyyyyep. [ Smacks lips ]

It figures.

I swear, we should've expected this.

Yeaaaah, I...

wasn't expecting this.

[ Indistinct conversations ] I had done this before, when I was younger,

but it was quite messy this time.

Um, I-I didn't have my gloves with me...

All stitched up! He'll be fine.

They're just finishing up the blood transfusion.

I was so worried.

I'm just glad he had his brother's blood.

Brother's blood? That's what you guys think?

-Brothers? -They are not brothers?

Ben: They are not brothers.

They're the same guy.

Or clones of the same guy, at least.

Other than a pinch of baboon DNA we spliced into R-22

to counteract the premature balding, they're identical.

They're both Rusty clones.

Monarch has baboon in him?

-Cool! -Two percent!

I told Jonas, "Don't put that monkey junk in there,

it'll make him more aggressive," but did he listen?

Noooo.

Pawned R-22 off on that Morpho couple.

Couldn't have kids of their own, poor bastards.

Felt sorry for 'em.

Doc: Uh, where are the boys?

I gotta blow their little minds.

Again.

[ Monitor beeping ]

[ Window scrapes ]

Dr. Girlfriend: How's my king butterfly?

S-Sweetie? W-Where are you?

I'm, uh, invisible.

Your ex-girlfriend?

Yeah, she gave me some of her blood.

It should wear off soon.

Eh, I-I'm so sorry about all that.

Every stupid idea I have, I just -- I just dig in.

You dig in. I know who you are, baby.

Oh, so you know I'm Dr. Venture plus baboon?

Fuckin' baboon.

You are The Monarch.

That Dr. Venture makes my skin crawl

And you make feel like the luckiest person alive.

You're not the same.

So, what now?

Spent my entire life arching...me.

I'm pathetic.

Honey, you're a Greek myth.

You're pitted in the eternal battle

against the worst aspects of yourself.

The Guild, it can't touch a rivalry like that.

He's all yours, if ya want.

Or...

maybe I should just...

give this all up.

It's your choice.

I'll stand by you either way.

Tell me what to do.

Hey, kid, wanna give you something.

[ Groans ]

Your Grandpap gave me this before your dad was born.

Is it more dumb news?

You gonna tell me who my mom isn't?

Nah, just a watch.

GMT Master, Venture blue dial.

Tells the time in two time zones.

It's heavy.

Yeah, that fourth hand there? Little date window?

Those are called complications.

Complications make a watch special.

The more complications, the more valuable.

Read the engraving Jonas put on the back there.

"EE-LIE-GHEE TUA"?

Eh, close enough.

It's Latin for "choose your family."

Blood doesn't make a family. Love does.

Your Grandpap knew that.

[ Groans ]

Choose your family.

And remember that complications make it special.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ] Well, yeah, surprisingly uncomfortable, but...

Okay, so... who is our mom?

Seriously, Dean, haven't we had

enough family history for one day?

I don't even know who my mom is.

All you need to know is that the person

who gave birth to you loves you.

I promise they do.

I love you, Pop.

Watch the arm, son.

Oh, come on!

Who did that?

[ Snickers ] Who's there?

Feel the sting of The Mighty Monarch!

[ Wheezes ]

Yes! We are back!

Mark my words!

I will get you, Dr. Venture!

You can't hide from the villainous wrath

of your better self! [ Groans ]

I am radiant and vitalized

by the blood of the ferocious baboon!

Aah!

Now somebody call me an Uber!

[ Sighs ]

I knew this was coming.

Brock, aren't you gonna get him?

Yeah, I've had enough for tonight.

I'ma just get him an Uber.

Pwned!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Birds chirping, fountain burbling ]

[ Electronic lullaby plays ]

♪♪

[ Watch beeps ]

Well, looks like they're about done, Helper.

[ High-pitched tone ]

Are you ready to meet The Venture Brothers?

♪♪