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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:19,300 But by 2008, we'd all had enough. 2 00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:21,101 Well, most of us. 3 00:00:21,301 --> 00:00:24,501 Who wants to kiss The Barney Stone? 4 00:00:24,501 --> 00:00:26,802 - Look, it's the Riddler. - That's not the Riddler. 5 00:00:26,802 --> 00:00:27,602 That's Gumby. 6 00:00:27,602 --> 00:00:29,702 Hey, Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later? 7 00:00:29,702 --> 00:00:33,003 Hey, NBA player sidelined by a knee injury? 8 00:00:33,103 --> 00:00:35,603 All right, laugh all you want, 9 00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:38,504 but this is my lucky St. Patty's Day suit. 10 00:00:38,504 --> 00:00:41,704 I have dry-cleaned many a stain off of this baby. 11 00:00:42,104 --> 00:00:43,404 You know why it's lucky? 12 00:00:43,404 --> 00:00:47,005 'Cause it's green, the color of go, as in let's. 13 00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:48,505 Uh, Barney, we, uh... 14 00:00:48,605 --> 00:00:50,405 we talked this over, and, uh, 15 00:00:50,405 --> 00:00:52,306 we're not doing St. Patty's Day this year. 16 00:00:53,506 --> 00:00:54,806 Come on. Let's... 17 00:00:55,506 --> 00:00:56,807 Are you s... 18 00:00:59,007 --> 00:01:00,507 Wow. Okay. 19 00:01:00,707 --> 00:01:02,307 I think I got to lie down. 20 00:01:02,307 --> 00:01:03,508 Can we shoot pool on you? 21 00:01:04,108 --> 00:01:05,808 No! No! 22 00:01:05,808 --> 00:01:07,108 Unacceptable! 23 00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:09,009 That's so not Raven! 24 00:01:09,309 --> 00:01:11,109 What are you gonna do instead? 25 00:01:11,109 --> 00:01:12,509 We just got the keys to our new apartment, 26 00:01:12,509 --> 00:01:14,609 so we're gonna go over there and hang up that painting, 27 00:01:14,609 --> 00:01:15,610 have board game night. 28 00:01:15,610 --> 00:01:17,010 You're welcome to join us if you want. 29 00:01:17,110 --> 00:01:18,910 Board game night?! 30 00:01:19,510 --> 00:01:21,110 Board game night. 31 00:01:21,311 --> 00:01:22,911 Come on! 32 00:01:22,911 --> 00:01:24,711 Let's drink green beer. 33 00:01:24,711 --> 00:01:26,511 Let's do green Jell-O shots! 34 00:01:26,511 --> 00:01:28,212 Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit?! 35 00:01:28,212 --> 00:01:29,612 We're drinking green tea. 36 00:01:29,712 --> 00:01:31,312 With caffeine. 37 00:01:31,812 --> 00:01:33,713 Sorry, Peter. We're grown-ups now. 38 00:01:33,713 --> 00:01:36,113 We can't fly off to Neverland with you anymore. 39 00:01:36,713 --> 00:01:38,413 All right, fine. 40 00:01:38,913 --> 00:01:39,814 You know what? 41 00:01:39,814 --> 00:01:42,114 I'll celebrate St. Patty's Day by myself. 42 00:01:42,314 --> 00:01:43,914 I don't need you people. 43 00:01:43,914 --> 00:01:46,315 You make me physically ill. 44 00:01:47,715 --> 00:01:49,615 He did look a little green. 45 00:01:54,316 --> 00:01:55,416 Hello? 46 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,816 Hey, happy St. Patty's Day! 47 00:01:57,816 --> 00:02:00,117 How are you? Yeah, I haven't talked to you forever. 48 00:02:00,117 --> 00:02:01,817 - Who is it? - It's Ted's butt. 49 00:02:04,218 --> 00:02:05,318 Ah, damn it! 50 00:02:05,318 --> 00:02:06,918 My phone keeps pocket-dialing! 51 00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:08,618 That's, like, the eighth time today. 52 00:02:08,618 --> 00:02:11,719 In fairness, I did call Ted's butt at, like, 2:00 this afternoon. 53 00:02:11,719 --> 00:02:14,619 It took long enough to call you back. 54 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:18,320 Barney, where are you? 55 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,820 In a cab, heading downtown with our 56 00:02:20,820 --> 00:02:22,921 hot and sexy dates for the evening. 57 00:02:22,921 --> 00:02:25,821 Yes, it happens that fast! 58 00:02:25,821 --> 00:02:27,421 We're going to that club Low Point, 59 00:02:27,421 --> 00:02:28,822 and you're coming with us. 60 00:02:28,822 --> 00:02:30,222 Barney, for the last time... 61 00:02:30,222 --> 00:02:32,822 All right, I didn't want to tell you this in front of Marshall 62 00:02:32,822 --> 00:02:34,322 and Lily because they're old and married, 63 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:36,823 and it's too late for them anyway, but Ted, 64 00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:40,023 the world is going to come to an end tonight. 65 00:02:40,824 --> 00:02:42,524 Yes. Think about it. 66 00:02:42,524 --> 00:02:45,524 End of the world, Nostradamus. Notre Dame. 67 00:02:45,524 --> 00:02:46,524 Fighting Irish. 68 00:02:46,524 --> 00:02:48,725 Irish. St. Patrick's Day. 69 00:02:48,725 --> 00:02:49,825 This is it, bro. 70 00:02:50,025 --> 00:02:51,825 Bro-pocalypse Now. 71 00:02:52,625 --> 00:02:54,226 Bromageddon. 72 00:02:54,226 --> 00:02:56,926 Ted, you are young, you're single. 73 00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,526 You'll have so much more fun with me. 74 00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:01,027 Do you really want to spend your last night on 75 00:03:01,027 --> 00:03:04,027 Earth playing board games with Marshall and Lily? 76 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:09,028 My hands smell weird. Smell this. 77 00:03:09,328 --> 00:03:11,429 Yeah, they do. That's new. 78 00:03:11,829 --> 00:03:13,529 I'll be there in five minutes. 79 00:03:14,029 --> 00:03:16,729 Yes! All right! 80 00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:18,630 He's in! Ted's a great guy. 81 00:03:18,630 --> 00:03:19,630 Y... 82 00:03:22,130 --> 00:03:23,931 You're gonna love him. 83 00:03:25,231 --> 00:03:28,131 So on March 17, 2008, 84 00:03:28,131 --> 00:03:30,632 I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party. 85 00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:32,532 And it's a good thing I did, 86 00:03:32,632 --> 00:03:34,032 because, funny story: 87 00:03:34,632 --> 00:03:36,133 your mother was there. 88 00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:39,233 How I Met Your Mother 3x12 - No Tomorrow - 89 00:03:52,535 --> 00:03:55,136 Hi. Have you met Ted? 90 00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:56,536 Hi. I'm Mary. 91 00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:58,036 Hi. Happy St. Patty's Day. 92 00:03:58,036 --> 00:03:59,536 I haven't met Ted, either. 93 00:03:59,536 --> 00:04:00,837 - I'm Stephanie. - Hi. 94 00:04:01,837 --> 00:04:04,537 Dude, back off. I called dibs on Stephanie. 95 00:04:04,537 --> 00:04:06,438 Okay. Mary's hot. 96 00:04:07,238 --> 00:04:08,638 Well, then I want Mary. 97 00:04:08,938 --> 00:04:09,838 Fine. 98 00:04:11,038 --> 00:04:13,839 Oh, I see. Reverse psychology. 99 00:04:13,839 --> 00:04:17,039 Then I'm sticking with Stephanie, Dr. Freud. 100 00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:17,939 Okay. 101 00:04:18,039 --> 00:04:19,840 - Which one do you want more? - Either one. 102 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:21,740 - I want them both. - You're an idiot, 103 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,440 and it may be a moot point. 104 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:24,941 I mean, it doesn't look like we're getting in. 105 00:04:24,941 --> 00:04:26,041 Look at this. 106 00:04:26,241 --> 00:04:27,541 You know why there's a line? 107 00:04:27,641 --> 00:04:29,441 It's because I ditched Marshall and Lily, 108 00:04:29,441 --> 00:04:31,642 and now the universe is punishing us for it, 109 00:04:31,742 --> 00:04:32,842 that's why. 110 00:04:37,143 --> 00:04:37,843 Yeah. 111 00:04:39,743 --> 00:04:42,043 What's it gonna cost us to get in, $20? 112 00:04:42,343 --> 00:04:43,144 $40? 113 00:04:43,144 --> 00:04:45,344 Dude, come on, you're making the wee folk look bad. 114 00:04:45,344 --> 00:04:46,944 Just give him your pot o' gold. 115 00:04:47,744 --> 00:04:48,744 Is it just you two? 116 00:04:48,744 --> 00:04:50,345 Don't worry. We're not gonna blow your ratio. 117 00:04:50,345 --> 00:04:52,245 We happen to have two very hot girls with us. 118 00:04:52,945 --> 00:04:54,445 Mine's the hotter one. 119 00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:57,246 Look, if it was just you two, 120 00:04:57,246 --> 00:04:58,346 you could go in right now. 121 00:04:58,446 --> 00:05:00,046 We got nothing but girls in there. 122 00:05:00,046 --> 00:05:02,247 People are gonna start thinking it's a lesbian bar. 123 00:05:04,047 --> 00:05:05,947 Would you excuse us for just a minute? 124 00:05:08,548 --> 00:05:09,648 Ted, I'm gonna be honest. 125 00:05:09,648 --> 00:05:12,148 I was full of it with that whole Nostradamus thing. 126 00:05:12,248 --> 00:05:13,048 No. 127 00:05:13,048 --> 00:05:15,649 But I am starting to think there is some serious 128 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,849 planetary crap going on here tonight. 129 00:05:17,849 --> 00:05:20,750 Never in the history of New York City nightclubs 130 00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:22,950 has there been a shortage of dudes, 131 00:05:22,950 --> 00:05:26,251 not even during the Great Dude Shortage of 1883. 132 00:05:26,651 --> 00:05:27,951 We got to ditch these girls. 133 00:05:28,651 --> 00:05:30,251 But you dragged them all the way down here. 134 00:05:30,251 --> 00:05:32,152 I don't see no ring on this finger. 135 00:05:33,052 --> 00:05:34,052 All right, hold on. 136 00:05:34,752 --> 00:05:35,952 Uh, excuse me? 137 00:05:35,952 --> 00:05:38,253 Are the girls in there hotter than our dates? 138 00:05:38,953 --> 00:05:40,353 I don't know if they're hotter, 139 00:05:40,353 --> 00:05:41,553 but they're drunker. 140 00:05:41,553 --> 00:05:42,953 Rock 'n' roll. 141 00:05:46,654 --> 00:05:49,354 Welcome to your dream home, my lady. 142 00:05:51,155 --> 00:05:52,255 All right, all right. 143 00:05:52,255 --> 00:05:54,655 You can put me down. Robin thinks we're weird. 144 00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,055 No, it's fine. 145 00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:58,156 It was only weird on the subway. 146 00:06:00,256 --> 00:06:02,256 Oh. I'm gonna check the other rooms to see 147 00:06:02,256 --> 00:06:05,057 if the previous owners left us any free stuff. 148 00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,057 I'm gonna hang our first piece of art. 149 00:06:07,357 --> 00:06:08,758 Oh, look, there's already a nail. 150 00:06:08,758 --> 00:06:10,358 Hey, Lil, free nail! 151 00:06:10,358 --> 00:06:11,758 Score! 152 00:06:15,259 --> 00:06:16,459 How's that? Perfect. 153 00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:29,561 Oh, now this is ridiculous. 154 00:06:29,561 --> 00:06:30,761 Is it the nail? 155 00:06:30,761 --> 00:06:31,661 Marshall? 156 00:06:31,661 --> 00:06:33,462 Is the wall slippery or something? 157 00:06:33,462 --> 00:06:34,162 Marshall. 158 00:06:34,162 --> 00:06:36,162 Is there a wind? Is there some sort of draft in here? 159 00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:37,462 - Marshall! - What? 160 00:06:37,862 --> 00:06:39,763 Your apartment's crooked. 161 00:06:40,263 --> 00:06:41,363 What do you mean? 162 00:06:46,064 --> 00:06:48,864 It was the kind of thing you didn't notice until you noticed it. 163 00:06:48,864 --> 00:06:51,965 But once you did notice it, you couldn't not notice it. 164 00:06:52,065 --> 00:06:55,065 Lily and Marshall's new apartment was crooked. 165 00:06:57,766 --> 00:06:58,966 Oh, no! 166 00:06:58,966 --> 00:07:00,766 Oh, no, no, no! 167 00:07:00,766 --> 00:07:02,866 Oh, no, no. Oh, no. 168 00:07:02,866 --> 00:07:03,566 Yes. 169 00:07:03,566 --> 00:07:06,867 Are you telling me that we just spent our entire life savings and then some on... 170 00:07:06,867 --> 00:07:08,367 on a crooked apartment? 171 00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:09,968 Oh, my God! 172 00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:11,068 No, she's gonna flip. 173 00:07:11,068 --> 00:07:12,068 Just calm down. It's gonna be fine. 174 00:07:12,068 --> 00:07:14,168 Look what I found in the kids' room! 175 00:07:14,168 --> 00:07:16,169 Free skateboard. Score! 176 00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:18,069 Free Hungry Hungry Hippos. 177 00:07:18,069 --> 00:07:20,669 Double score! I'm gonna check the kitchen! 178 00:07:20,669 --> 00:07:22,570 Okay. How could she not notice this? 179 00:07:22,570 --> 00:07:25,070 It's like the last 20 minutes of Titanic in here. 180 00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:27,170 We have to keep this quiet. 181 00:07:27,170 --> 00:07:29,871 If Lily finds out her new dream house is crooked, it's gonna... 182 00:07:29,871 --> 00:07:31,171 it's gonna break her heart. 183 00:07:31,571 --> 00:07:33,371 Free salad strainer! 184 00:07:33,371 --> 00:07:35,172 I love this place. 185 00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,472 Just for tonight, okay? 186 00:07:37,472 --> 00:07:38,572 Okay. 187 00:07:39,272 --> 00:07:41,473 But it's gonna be an uphill battle. 188 00:07:42,273 --> 00:07:45,973 I am just saying we have to think of the right angle. 189 00:07:47,174 --> 00:07:49,374 I have a third one, but I'm not gonna say it. 190 00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:53,575 Okay, Barney, I think we've stumbled into some kind of ethical, 191 00:07:53,575 --> 00:07:54,975 philosophical wormhole. 192 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,175 - Green suit. - Yeah. 193 00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:57,875 I ditched Marshall and Lily, 194 00:07:57,875 --> 00:08:00,076 and was rewarded with two beautiful girls. 195 00:08:00,076 --> 00:08:01,276 Suit's made of green. 196 00:08:01,276 --> 00:08:03,576 We bailed on those two beautiful girls, 197 00:08:03,576 --> 00:08:06,577 and now we're being rewarded with a sea of beautiful girls. 198 00:08:06,577 --> 00:08:08,177 38 long. 199 00:08:08,677 --> 00:08:11,478 It's like the laws of the universe are working in reverse. 200 00:08:11,478 --> 00:08:13,678 - Can you put it on my tab? - Yeah. What's the last name? 201 00:08:13,678 --> 00:08:14,478 Garrido. 202 00:08:15,978 --> 00:08:18,279 All right, I'm gonna try something, and if this works... 203 00:08:18,279 --> 00:08:19,079 Uh, hey. 204 00:08:19,079 --> 00:08:20,279 Hey, what can I get you guys? 205 00:08:20,279 --> 00:08:22,379 A bottle of Dom Perignon, and can you put it on my tab? 206 00:08:22,379 --> 00:08:23,480 Sure. What's the name? 207 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:25,080 - Garrido. - Dude! 208 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,780 Oh, uh, yeah, you're right. Uh, make it two bottles. 209 00:08:27,780 --> 00:08:28,680 Two. 210 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,281 Now we wait, see if something good happens... 211 00:08:31,481 --> 00:08:32,581 Oh! Hello! 212 00:08:32,581 --> 00:08:33,781 St. Patrick's Day tradition. 213 00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:36,082 If you're not wearing green, you got to get pinched. 214 00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:37,882 Well, I guess I got what I deserved. 215 00:08:37,882 --> 00:08:39,182 I'm not wearing green, either. 216 00:08:39,182 --> 00:08:42,583 This is, um, deep teal. 217 00:08:42,583 --> 00:08:45,283 - The lighting makes it... - Uh, I'm Ted. 218 00:08:45,283 --> 00:08:47,783 Ashlee with two "e"s. 219 00:08:47,783 --> 00:08:50,084 Please. "C"s at most. 220 00:08:50,084 --> 00:08:52,084 You know, you guys should come join me and my friends. 221 00:08:52,084 --> 00:08:56,285 We have a bottle of tequila and shockingly deep belly buttons. 222 00:08:57,685 --> 00:09:00,486 Okay, it's official: do bad things, good things happen. 223 00:09:02,086 --> 00:09:03,486 Ted, listen. 224 00:09:03,486 --> 00:09:05,686 Are you hearing that? That's the universe. 225 00:09:05,686 --> 00:09:07,687 The universe is talking to us. 226 00:09:07,687 --> 00:09:09,787 We don't have to build a baseball field, do we? 227 00:09:10,087 --> 00:09:14,788 No. The universe is telling us that we have a free pass tonight. 228 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:19,489 The universe is saying that we don't have to live in fear of the... 229 00:09:19,489 --> 00:09:20,989 - Are you still there? - Yeah, I'm here. 230 00:09:20,989 --> 00:09:23,789 ...of the repercussions of our actions. 231 00:09:23,989 --> 00:09:26,190 There is no waiting for tomorrow, 232 00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,990 because do you know why, Ted? 233 00:09:30,691 --> 00:09:33,191 There is no tomorrow. 234 00:09:34,291 --> 00:09:35,691 No tomorrow, huh? 235 00:09:35,691 --> 00:09:37,292 By the way, Mr. Garrido, 236 00:09:37,392 --> 00:09:40,992 second bottle of champagne gets you a complimentary ounce of caviar. 237 00:09:41,192 --> 00:09:42,092 Enjoy. 238 00:09:45,593 --> 00:09:47,993 - No tomorrow! - No tomorrow! 239 00:09:47,993 --> 00:09:49,494 No tomorrow! 240 00:09:49,494 --> 00:09:51,994 Hey, I wonder what the grown-ups are doing right now. 241 00:09:57,295 --> 00:09:59,095 I win again. 242 00:09:59,095 --> 00:10:00,895 Why do I keep winning? 243 00:10:01,396 --> 00:10:04,596 Maybe your hippo is just hungrier hungrier than ours. 244 00:10:04,596 --> 00:10:05,296 That's it. 245 00:10:05,296 --> 00:10:06,896 That's what it is. It's not gravity, 246 00:10:06,996 --> 00:10:08,297 that's for sure. I'll tell you that. 247 00:10:10,397 --> 00:10:11,897 What was that? 248 00:10:16,698 --> 00:10:18,398 What's going on here? 249 00:10:20,999 --> 00:10:22,099 Okay, Lily... 250 00:10:22,999 --> 00:10:25,900 while you were in the other room, Robin and I, 251 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,700 we discovered something about the apartment. 252 00:10:28,700 --> 00:10:29,800 It's not a big deal. 253 00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:32,401 It's not like a disaster. It's just... 254 00:10:32,401 --> 00:10:34,801 It's something that we're going to have to learn to live with. 255 00:10:38,902 --> 00:10:41,002 Robin and I saw a ghost. 256 00:10:41,602 --> 00:10:42,602 What? 257 00:10:43,102 --> 00:10:44,703 Oh, he's kidding, right? 258 00:10:45,003 --> 00:10:47,403 No, we really saw a ghost. 259 00:10:47,603 --> 00:10:49,103 What did it look like? 260 00:10:49,803 --> 00:10:52,904 Uh, a sheet with two holes in it. 261 00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:55,904 He was a Confederate general 262 00:10:55,904 --> 00:10:58,205 who was wounded at the Battle of Antietam, 263 00:10:58,205 --> 00:11:02,806 and he died at the army hospital which once stood on this very spot. 264 00:11:02,906 --> 00:11:04,906 And now he wanders these halls, 265 00:11:04,906 --> 00:11:08,707 vowing revenge against the Union cannonade hat once felled him. 266 00:11:08,907 --> 00:11:11,107 But he seems nice. He's a good-good guy. 267 00:11:11,807 --> 00:11:15,908 Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere. You see ghosts at Stars Bucks. 268 00:11:16,108 --> 00:11:20,008 That Kenny G holiday CD just flew off the shelf. 269 00:11:20,008 --> 00:11:21,409 Last time that happened. 270 00:11:22,009 --> 00:11:24,109 But, Robin, you're a skeptic, 271 00:11:24,109 --> 00:11:26,409 so if you say you saw a ghost... 272 00:11:28,710 --> 00:11:30,610 It passed right through me, 273 00:11:30,610 --> 00:11:34,211 and suddenly I felt cold, so very cold. 274 00:11:37,711 --> 00:11:40,012 You know, Ashlee, I'm sorry. 275 00:11:40,012 --> 00:11:42,012 You're probably just gonna want to get up and walk away, 276 00:11:42,012 --> 00:11:45,012 but I just have to test out this theory I've been working on. 277 00:11:45,613 --> 00:11:48,513 Tonight, I am not looking for a relationship. 278 00:11:48,513 --> 00:11:50,913 I really just want to hook up with you, 279 00:11:50,913 --> 00:11:53,114 leave before breakfast, and never see you again. 280 00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:56,514 I'm in. 281 00:11:56,514 --> 00:11:58,415 Unbelievable. 282 00:12:00,315 --> 00:12:02,515 Hot damn, that's a deep navel. 283 00:12:02,715 --> 00:12:04,216 No tomorrow, Ted. 284 00:12:04,216 --> 00:12:06,116 Yeah, no tomorrow, Barney. 285 00:12:06,716 --> 00:12:08,316 No tomorrow, huh? 286 00:12:08,816 --> 00:12:10,717 I like that idea. 287 00:12:11,117 --> 00:12:13,617 Because if there is a tomorrow, 288 00:12:13,617 --> 00:12:15,717 I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble. 289 00:12:15,717 --> 00:12:18,018 Oh, yeah? Why is that? 290 00:12:18,018 --> 00:12:19,718 I'm married. 291 00:12:23,119 --> 00:12:25,319 Tell me you're messing with me, guys. 292 00:12:25,319 --> 00:12:27,219 You didn't actually see a ghost. 293 00:12:27,219 --> 00:12:29,920 It's not a big deal, baby. He seemed friendly. 294 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,220 You said he's a Confederate general. They're the bad guys. 295 00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,921 And he's probably racist. 296 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,121 No, he seemed polite. 297 00:12:37,121 --> 00:12:39,721 He had courtly Southern manners. 298 00:12:39,721 --> 00:12:41,722 We're gonna raise our kids here. 299 00:12:41,722 --> 00:12:45,722 I don't want some Confederate general ghost teaching them his racism. 300 00:12:45,722 --> 00:12:49,223 He loves people of all colors and creeds. 301 00:12:49,223 --> 00:12:51,123 He was fighting for states' rights, that's all. 302 00:12:51,123 --> 00:12:52,924 Robin said he was wearing a sheet. 303 00:12:52,924 --> 00:12:54,624 What do you think that means? 304 00:12:54,624 --> 00:12:56,524 The apartment is crooked. 305 00:12:57,424 --> 00:12:58,524 What? 306 00:13:00,625 --> 00:13:03,225 Robin and I didn't see a ghost. 307 00:13:06,126 --> 00:13:08,426 The floor is crooked, isn't it? 308 00:13:09,126 --> 00:13:10,226 Yeah. 309 00:13:11,327 --> 00:13:14,927 We spent our entire life's savings on this floor. 310 00:13:15,327 --> 00:13:19,728 The next 30 mortgage-paying years of our lives will be spent 311 00:13:19,828 --> 00:13:22,328 on this floor, and it's crooked. 312 00:13:29,029 --> 00:13:30,930 Thanks a lot, Robin. 313 00:13:33,030 --> 00:13:36,931 How is "racist ghost" better than "crooked"? 314 00:13:37,631 --> 00:13:40,331 Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better. 315 00:13:42,732 --> 00:13:44,132 Oh, I'm sorry. 316 00:13:44,132 --> 00:13:45,632 Oh, that's okay. 317 00:13:45,632 --> 00:13:48,533 Um, dude, so, I'm having second thoughts about that theory. 318 00:13:48,533 --> 00:13:52,233 I'm telling you, if you want to know how old a woman is, check her elbows. 319 00:13:52,233 --> 00:13:53,433 Not that theory. 320 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:56,534 You have to be more specific, Ted, 'cause I have so many theories. 321 00:13:56,534 --> 00:13:59,334 The whole do bad, good things happen... 322 00:13:59,334 --> 00:14:01,935 - Ashlee is married. - So? 323 00:14:01,935 --> 00:14:03,335 What do you mean, so? 324 00:14:03,435 --> 00:14:05,235 Open your brain tank, brah, 325 00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:08,936 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. 326 00:14:08,936 --> 00:14:10,536 There's three rules of cheating: 327 00:14:10,536 --> 00:14:12,937 It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married, 328 00:14:12,937 --> 00:14:16,337 it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels, 329 00:14:16,337 --> 00:14:18,838 and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. 330 00:14:18,838 --> 00:14:20,338 You're fine on all three counts. 331 00:14:20,338 --> 00:14:22,338 How do you know she's from a different area code? 332 00:14:22,338 --> 00:14:24,439 She's 516. 333 00:14:24,439 --> 00:14:27,539 She might dress like she's 718, act like she's 212, 334 00:14:28,439 --> 00:14:29,739 but trust me, she's 516. 335 00:14:29,739 --> 00:14:31,040 Oh, and her husband... 336 00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,340 letting her out alone on Saint Patty's Day? 337 00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:36,540 If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. 338 00:14:38,141 --> 00:14:39,341 Wyoming. 339 00:14:43,642 --> 00:14:45,842 We're gonna have to nail down all our furniture. 340 00:14:45,842 --> 00:14:48,242 We won't be able to get a pinball machine. 341 00:14:48,342 --> 00:14:51,643 I mean, unless we put some books under two of the legs or something. 342 00:14:51,643 --> 00:14:53,443 But then what if we want to read those books? 343 00:14:53,443 --> 00:14:55,144 This is a nightmare. 344 00:14:55,444 --> 00:14:58,644 We can't raise our kids here. They'll grow up slanted. 345 00:14:58,844 --> 00:15:01,445 If we have a daughter, we'll have to call her Eileen. 346 00:15:02,545 --> 00:15:05,245 I don't think we can live here, Marshall. 347 00:15:05,745 --> 00:15:07,846 I don't know what we're gonna do. 348 00:15:08,446 --> 00:15:09,746 Marshall? 349 00:15:10,246 --> 00:15:11,746 Open the door. 350 00:15:22,148 --> 00:15:24,948 If I make it through the door, that's five points. 351 00:15:26,449 --> 00:15:28,949 Woo-hoo! 352 00:15:29,049 --> 00:15:30,249 Yeah! 353 00:15:31,449 --> 00:15:32,750 Five points. 354 00:15:32,750 --> 00:15:35,150 Ten bucks says I can do it backwards. 355 00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:39,051 So Lily and Marshall decided to make the best of a bad situation. 356 00:15:39,051 --> 00:15:42,851 And that's also how the sport of Apartment Roller Luge was invented. 357 00:15:42,851 --> 00:15:46,452 Very careful baby! Oh yeah! 358 00:15:46,452 --> 00:15:49,252 So she's married? It's not like she has kids. 359 00:15:49,352 --> 00:15:50,453 How do you know? 360 00:15:50,653 --> 00:15:51,553 Wrists. 361 00:15:51,553 --> 00:15:53,853 It's like you don't even listen to me. 362 00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:56,854 - Oh, hey. - Hey. 363 00:15:56,854 --> 00:15:58,054 Where'd you go? 364 00:15:58,054 --> 00:15:59,354 Well, I just, um... 365 00:15:59,354 --> 00:16:02,054 - Was it something I said? - No, no, no, it's just, well... 366 00:16:02,054 --> 00:16:06,155 you're married and-and we've been drinking, and I was worried we might... 367 00:16:07,555 --> 00:16:09,856 Oh, this is a very bad idea. 368 00:16:11,756 --> 00:16:14,356 - We have a problem. - Hey, hey. Hey. 369 00:16:14,356 --> 00:16:16,157 Hey. 370 00:16:16,157 --> 00:16:17,757 Is this your husband? 371 00:16:17,857 --> 00:16:20,057 I've never seen this man in my life. 372 00:16:20,357 --> 00:16:22,558 Oh, okay. Uh, what's our problem? 373 00:16:22,558 --> 00:16:24,558 Rick. Rick Garrido. 374 00:16:24,558 --> 00:16:26,458 According to the bartender, I'm the guy 375 00:16:26,458 --> 00:16:28,659 that's been buying you champagne all night. 376 00:16:28,759 --> 00:16:32,559 Okay, there's-there's a very simple explana... 377 00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:35,660 Next thing I know the police show up, they arrest the other guy, 378 00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:38,160 and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night. 379 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,361 It was awesome. 380 00:16:41,361 --> 00:16:42,661 Awesome, huh? 381 00:16:42,861 --> 00:16:43,861 Yeah. 382 00:16:44,261 --> 00:16:46,562 You don't see anything wrong with that story? 383 00:16:46,762 --> 00:16:49,162 Well, I lost my new phone back at the club somewhere. 384 00:16:49,162 --> 00:16:51,563 What the hell is wrong with you, dude? 385 00:16:51,663 --> 00:16:53,563 You know me, I lose things. 386 00:16:53,563 --> 00:16:56,263 You kissed a married woman, Ted. 387 00:16:56,263 --> 00:16:58,864 You committed credit card fraud. 388 00:16:58,864 --> 00:17:02,664 You... you kissed a married woman. Do you know how offensive that is to me? 389 00:17:02,664 --> 00:17:04,265 You're turning into Barney. 390 00:17:04,265 --> 00:17:05,965 We don't need another Barney. 391 00:17:06,465 --> 00:17:07,465 Look... 392 00:17:07,565 --> 00:17:09,565 it's Saint Patty's Day. 393 00:17:09,866 --> 00:17:12,066 It wasn't as bad as it sounds. 394 00:17:12,066 --> 00:17:14,166 - "It wasn't as bad as it sounds"? - No. 395 00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:15,366 Huh? Okay... 396 00:17:15,466 --> 00:17:18,267 I want you to hear exactly how it sounds, Ted. 397 00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:23,068 First skipped message: I don't see no ring on this finger. 398 00:17:23,068 --> 00:17:25,268 And then last night started coming back to me: 399 00:17:25,568 --> 00:17:26,568 The real version. 400 00:17:27,468 --> 00:17:30,069 Are the girls in there hotter than our dates ? 401 00:17:30,269 --> 00:17:32,969 I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker. 402 00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:35,470 Rock 'n' roll. 403 00:17:39,070 --> 00:17:41,371 - How many messages did I... - Seventeen... 404 00:17:42,471 --> 00:17:46,171 Kids, it's sometimes possible to think you're doing just fine in life... 405 00:17:46,171 --> 00:17:49,072 Next message: Can you put it on my tab? 406 00:17:49,772 --> 00:17:51,472 Sure, what's the last name? 407 00:17:51,672 --> 00:17:53,073 Garrido. 408 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:55,473 ...and then someone opens your eyes a little bit, 409 00:17:55,473 --> 00:17:56,773 and you realize... 410 00:17:56,773 --> 00:17:58,173 Next message: 411 00:17:58,173 --> 00:17:59,974 I really want to hook up with you, 412 00:17:59,974 --> 00:18:02,574 leave before breakfast, and then never see you again. 413 00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:05,075 ...your whole world is off balance... 414 00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:07,075 Next message : 415 00:18:07,075 --> 00:18:08,075 ...out of whack... 416 00:18:08,075 --> 00:18:10,275 Okay, look, brah, 417 00:18:10,275 --> 00:18:12,776 there is a very simple explana... 418 00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:14,676 ...crooked. 419 00:18:18,977 --> 00:18:20,677 That was hard to listen to. 420 00:18:22,477 --> 00:18:25,178 No one likes how they sound on an answering machine. 421 00:18:27,278 --> 00:18:28,678 Thanks for doing that. 422 00:18:31,979 --> 00:18:33,579 You yelled at me. 423 00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:35,780 You got very firm with me. 424 00:18:35,780 --> 00:18:36,880 Very confident. 425 00:18:37,180 --> 00:18:38,380 It was cool. 426 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:39,880 Thanks. 427 00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:42,181 - You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall. - Shut up. 428 00:18:42,881 --> 00:18:44,881 Veins, crazy muscles in your neck. 429 00:18:44,881 --> 00:18:46,881 You look like a Kentucky Derby-winning steed. 430 00:18:46,881 --> 00:18:48,282 You're ruining a nice moment. 431 00:18:48,282 --> 00:18:50,482 At one point, I swear, I thought we were gonna kiss. 432 00:18:50,482 --> 00:18:52,182 Ted, seriously. 433 00:18:52,682 --> 00:18:54,083 I'm married. 434 00:18:57,383 --> 00:18:58,883 Oh... a slanted floor. 435 00:18:58,883 --> 00:19:01,184 Architecturally speaking, fixing that's going to be... 436 00:19:01,184 --> 00:19:03,884 Very, very, very expensive. 437 00:19:03,884 --> 00:19:06,685 And it's gonna take some time, too, so 438 00:19:06,685 --> 00:19:09,785 it looks like you're stuck with us for a little while longer, if that's okay. 439 00:19:09,985 --> 00:19:11,085 Are you kidding? 440 00:19:11,085 --> 00:19:11,986 I love it. 441 00:19:11,986 --> 00:19:14,786 I don't know what's gonna happen to me without you guys around. 442 00:19:14,786 --> 00:19:15,686 Where are you going? 443 00:19:15,686 --> 00:19:18,187 I'm going to get my stupid phone. 444 00:19:19,387 --> 00:19:22,387 So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008. 445 00:19:22,387 --> 00:19:25,388 I found out years later that your mom was at that party. 446 00:19:25,388 --> 00:19:26,988 I just didn't meet her. 447 00:19:27,088 --> 00:19:29,088 And it's a good thing I didn't, 448 00:19:29,088 --> 00:19:31,989 'cause if I had met her, I don't think she would have liked me. 449 00:19:31,989 --> 00:19:34,089 Heck, I don't think I liked me. 450 00:19:34,189 --> 00:19:35,689 But that's okay. 451 00:19:35,889 --> 00:19:37,090 Tomorrow had arrived. 452 00:19:37,090 --> 00:19:40,390 # Leave me alone, and there'll be # 453 00:19:40,390 --> 00:19:46,291 # No one to get hurt # 454 00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:55,193 # Nobody move and there'll be Nothin' to disturb # 455 00:19:55,193 --> 00:20:04,894 # The sum of it all is that you Don't know where to turn # 456 00:20:04,894 --> 00:20:12,995 # Despite all your promises you Don't keep what you learn # 457 00:20:12,995 --> 00:20:15,096 You see, I didn't know it yet, 458 00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:18,496 but my luck was about to change. 459 00:20:18,496 --> 00:20:23,997 # Beautiful beat get me out of this mess # 460 00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:42,600 I'm awesome! 33569

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