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1
00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:19,300
But by 2008, we'd all had enough.
2
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:21,101
Well, most of us.
3
00:00:21,301 --> 00:00:24,501
Who wants to kiss
The Barney Stone?
4
00:00:24,501 --> 00:00:26,802
- Look, it's the Riddler.
- That's not the Riddler.
5
00:00:26,802 --> 00:00:27,602
That's Gumby.
6
00:00:27,602 --> 00:00:29,702
Hey, Gumby, can we tie you
in a knot later?
7
00:00:29,702 --> 00:00:33,003
Hey, NBA player sidelined
by a knee injury?
8
00:00:33,103 --> 00:00:35,603
All right, laugh all you want,
9
00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:38,504
but this is my lucky
St. Patty's Day suit.
10
00:00:38,504 --> 00:00:41,704
I have dry-cleaned many
a stain off of this baby.
11
00:00:42,104 --> 00:00:43,404
You know why it's lucky?
12
00:00:43,404 --> 00:00:47,005
'Cause it's green,
the color of go, as in let's.
13
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:48,505
Uh, Barney, we, uh...
14
00:00:48,605 --> 00:00:50,405
we talked this over, and, uh,
15
00:00:50,405 --> 00:00:52,306
we're not doing
St. Patty's Day this year.
16
00:00:53,506 --> 00:00:54,806
Come on. Let's...
17
00:00:55,506 --> 00:00:56,807
Are you s...
18
00:00:59,007 --> 00:01:00,507
Wow. Okay.
19
00:01:00,707 --> 00:01:02,307
I think I got to lie down.
20
00:01:02,307 --> 00:01:03,508
Can we shoot pool on you?
21
00:01:04,108 --> 00:01:05,808
No! No!
22
00:01:05,808 --> 00:01:07,108
Unacceptable!
23
00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:09,009
That's so not Raven!
24
00:01:09,309 --> 00:01:11,109
What are you gonna do instead?
25
00:01:11,109 --> 00:01:12,509
We just got the keys to
our new apartment,
26
00:01:12,509 --> 00:01:14,609
so we're gonna go over there and
hang up that painting,
27
00:01:14,609 --> 00:01:15,610
have board game night.
28
00:01:15,610 --> 00:01:17,010
You're welcome to join us
if you want.
29
00:01:17,110 --> 00:01:18,910
Board game night?!
30
00:01:19,510 --> 00:01:21,110
Board game night.
31
00:01:21,311 --> 00:01:22,911
Come on!
32
00:01:22,911 --> 00:01:24,711
Let's drink green beer.
33
00:01:24,711 --> 00:01:26,511
Let's do green Jell-O shots!
34
00:01:26,511 --> 00:01:28,212
Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit?!
35
00:01:28,212 --> 00:01:29,612
We're drinking green tea.
36
00:01:29,712 --> 00:01:31,312
With caffeine.
37
00:01:31,812 --> 00:01:33,713
Sorry, Peter.
We're grown-ups now.
38
00:01:33,713 --> 00:01:36,113
We can't fly off to Neverland
with you anymore.
39
00:01:36,713 --> 00:01:38,413
All right, fine.
40
00:01:38,913 --> 00:01:39,814
You know what?
41
00:01:39,814 --> 00:01:42,114
I'll celebrate St. Patty's Day
by myself.
42
00:01:42,314 --> 00:01:43,914
I don't need you people.
43
00:01:43,914 --> 00:01:46,315
You make me physically ill.
44
00:01:47,715 --> 00:01:49,615
He did look a little green.
45
00:01:54,316 --> 00:01:55,416
Hello?
46
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,816
Hey, happy St. Patty's Day!
47
00:01:57,816 --> 00:02:00,117
How are you?
Yeah, I haven't talked to you forever.
48
00:02:00,117 --> 00:02:01,817
- Who is it?
- It's Ted's butt.
49
00:02:04,218 --> 00:02:05,318
Ah, damn it!
50
00:02:05,318 --> 00:02:06,918
My phone keeps pocket-dialing!
51
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:08,618
That's, like, the eighth time today.
52
00:02:08,618 --> 00:02:11,719
In fairness, I did call Ted's butt at,
like, 2:00 this afternoon.
53
00:02:11,719 --> 00:02:14,619
It took long enough to call you back.
54
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:18,320
Barney, where are you?
55
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,820
In a cab, heading downtown with our
56
00:02:20,820 --> 00:02:22,921
hot and sexy dates for the evening.
57
00:02:22,921 --> 00:02:25,821
Yes, it happens that fast!
58
00:02:25,821 --> 00:02:27,421
We're going to that club Low Point,
59
00:02:27,421 --> 00:02:28,822
and you're coming with us.
60
00:02:28,822 --> 00:02:30,222
Barney, for the last time...
61
00:02:30,222 --> 00:02:32,822
All right, I didn't want to tell you
this in front of Marshall
62
00:02:32,822 --> 00:02:34,322
and Lily because they're old
and married,
63
00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:36,823
and it's too late for them anyway,
but Ted,
64
00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:40,023
the world is going to come
to an end tonight.
65
00:02:40,824 --> 00:02:42,524
Yes. Think about it.
66
00:02:42,524 --> 00:02:45,524
End of the world, Nostradamus.
Notre Dame.
67
00:02:45,524 --> 00:02:46,524
Fighting Irish.
68
00:02:46,524 --> 00:02:48,725
Irish.
St. Patrick's Day.
69
00:02:48,725 --> 00:02:49,825
This is it, bro.
70
00:02:50,025 --> 00:02:51,825
Bro-pocalypse Now.
71
00:02:52,625 --> 00:02:54,226
Bromageddon.
72
00:02:54,226 --> 00:02:56,926
Ted, you are young, you're single.
73
00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,526
You'll have so much more fun with me.
74
00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:01,027
Do you really want to spend
your last night on
75
00:03:01,027 --> 00:03:04,027
Earth playing board games
with Marshall and Lily?
76
00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:09,028
My hands smell weird.
Smell this.
77
00:03:09,328 --> 00:03:11,429
Yeah, they do.
That's new.
78
00:03:11,829 --> 00:03:13,529
I'll be there in five minutes.
79
00:03:14,029 --> 00:03:16,729
Yes! All right!
80
00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:18,630
He's in! Ted's a great guy.
81
00:03:18,630 --> 00:03:19,630
Y...
82
00:03:22,130 --> 00:03:23,931
You're gonna love him.
83
00:03:25,231 --> 00:03:28,131
So on March 17, 2008,
84
00:03:28,131 --> 00:03:30,632
I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party.
85
00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:32,532
And it's a good thing I did,
86
00:03:32,632 --> 00:03:34,032
because, funny story:
87
00:03:34,632 --> 00:03:36,133
your mother was there.
88
00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:39,233
How I Met Your Mother 3x12
- No Tomorrow -
89
00:03:52,535 --> 00:03:55,136
Hi. Have you met Ted?
90
00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:56,536
Hi. I'm Mary.
91
00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:58,036
Hi. Happy St. Patty's Day.
92
00:03:58,036 --> 00:03:59,536
I haven't met Ted, either.
93
00:03:59,536 --> 00:04:00,837
- I'm Stephanie.
- Hi.
94
00:04:01,837 --> 00:04:04,537
Dude, back off.
I called dibs on Stephanie.
95
00:04:04,537 --> 00:04:06,438
Okay. Mary's hot.
96
00:04:07,238 --> 00:04:08,638
Well, then I want Mary.
97
00:04:08,938 --> 00:04:09,838
Fine.
98
00:04:11,038 --> 00:04:13,839
Oh, I see.
Reverse psychology.
99
00:04:13,839 --> 00:04:17,039
Then I'm sticking with Stephanie,
Dr. Freud.
100
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:17,939
Okay.
101
00:04:18,039 --> 00:04:19,840
- Which one do you want more?
- Either one.
102
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:21,740
- I want them both.
- You're an idiot,
103
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,440
and it may be a moot point.
104
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:24,941
I mean, it doesn't look like
we're getting in.
105
00:04:24,941 --> 00:04:26,041
Look at this.
106
00:04:26,241 --> 00:04:27,541
You know why there's a line?
107
00:04:27,641 --> 00:04:29,441
It's because I ditched
Marshall and Lily,
108
00:04:29,441 --> 00:04:31,642
and now the universe is
punishing us for it,
109
00:04:31,742 --> 00:04:32,842
that's why.
110
00:04:37,143 --> 00:04:37,843
Yeah.
111
00:04:39,743 --> 00:04:42,043
What's it gonna cost us to get in, $20?
112
00:04:42,343 --> 00:04:43,144
$40?
113
00:04:43,144 --> 00:04:45,344
Dude, come on, you're making
the wee folk look bad.
114
00:04:45,344 --> 00:04:46,944
Just give him your pot o' gold.
115
00:04:47,744 --> 00:04:48,744
Is it just you two?
116
00:04:48,744 --> 00:04:50,345
Don't worry.
We're not gonna blow your ratio.
117
00:04:50,345 --> 00:04:52,245
We happen to have
two very hot girls with us.
118
00:04:52,945 --> 00:04:54,445
Mine's the hotter one.
119
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:57,246
Look, if it was just you two,
120
00:04:57,246 --> 00:04:58,346
you could go in right now.
121
00:04:58,446 --> 00:05:00,046
We got nothing
but girls in there.
122
00:05:00,046 --> 00:05:02,247
People are gonna start
thinking it's a lesbian bar.
123
00:05:04,047 --> 00:05:05,947
Would you excuse us for just a minute?
124
00:05:08,548 --> 00:05:09,648
Ted, I'm gonna be honest.
125
00:05:09,648 --> 00:05:12,148
I was full of it with that
whole Nostradamus thing.
126
00:05:12,248 --> 00:05:13,048
No.
127
00:05:13,048 --> 00:05:15,649
But I am starting to think
there is some serious
128
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,849
planetary crap going on here tonight.
129
00:05:17,849 --> 00:05:20,750
Never in the history of
New York City nightclubs
130
00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:22,950
has there been a shortage of dudes,
131
00:05:22,950 --> 00:05:26,251
not even during
the Great Dude Shortage of 1883.
132
00:05:26,651 --> 00:05:27,951
We got to ditch these girls.
133
00:05:28,651 --> 00:05:30,251
But you dragged them all
the way down here.
134
00:05:30,251 --> 00:05:32,152
I don't see no ring
on this finger.
135
00:05:33,052 --> 00:05:34,052
All right, hold on.
136
00:05:34,752 --> 00:05:35,952
Uh, excuse me?
137
00:05:35,952 --> 00:05:38,253
Are the girls in there
hotter than our dates?
138
00:05:38,953 --> 00:05:40,353
I don't know if they're hotter,
139
00:05:40,353 --> 00:05:41,553
but they're drunker.
140
00:05:41,553 --> 00:05:42,953
Rock 'n' roll.
141
00:05:46,654 --> 00:05:49,354
Welcome to your dream home,
my lady.
142
00:05:51,155 --> 00:05:52,255
All right, all right.
143
00:05:52,255 --> 00:05:54,655
You can put me down.
Robin thinks we're weird.
144
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,055
No, it's fine.
145
00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:58,156
It was only weird on the subway.
146
00:06:00,256 --> 00:06:02,256
Oh. I'm gonna check
the other rooms to see
147
00:06:02,256 --> 00:06:05,057
if the previous owners
left us any free stuff.
148
00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,057
I'm gonna hang our
first piece of art.
149
00:06:07,357 --> 00:06:08,758
Oh, look, there's already a nail.
150
00:06:08,758 --> 00:06:10,358
Hey, Lil, free nail!
151
00:06:10,358 --> 00:06:11,758
Score!
152
00:06:15,259 --> 00:06:16,459
How's that?
Perfect.
153
00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:29,561
Oh, now this is ridiculous.
154
00:06:29,561 --> 00:06:30,761
Is it the nail?
155
00:06:30,761 --> 00:06:31,661
Marshall?
156
00:06:31,661 --> 00:06:33,462
Is the wall slippery or something?
157
00:06:33,462 --> 00:06:34,162
Marshall.
158
00:06:34,162 --> 00:06:36,162
Is there a wind?
Is there some sort of draft in here?
159
00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:37,462
- Marshall!
- What?
160
00:06:37,862 --> 00:06:39,763
Your apartment's crooked.
161
00:06:40,263 --> 00:06:41,363
What do you mean?
162
00:06:46,064 --> 00:06:48,864
It was the kind of thing
you didn't notice until you noticed it.
163
00:06:48,864 --> 00:06:51,965
But once you did notice it,
you couldn't not notice it.
164
00:06:52,065 --> 00:06:55,065
Lily and Marshall's
new apartment was crooked.
165
00:06:57,766 --> 00:06:58,966
Oh, no!
166
00:06:58,966 --> 00:07:00,766
Oh, no, no, no!
167
00:07:00,766 --> 00:07:02,866
Oh, no, no. Oh, no.
168
00:07:02,866 --> 00:07:03,566
Yes.
169
00:07:03,566 --> 00:07:06,867
Are you telling me that we just spent our
entire life savings and then some on...
170
00:07:06,867 --> 00:07:08,367
on a crooked apartment?
171
00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:09,968
Oh, my God!
172
00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:11,068
No, she's gonna flip.
173
00:07:11,068 --> 00:07:12,068
Just calm down.
It's gonna be fine.
174
00:07:12,068 --> 00:07:14,168
Look what I found in the kids' room!
175
00:07:14,168 --> 00:07:16,169
Free skateboard.
Score!
176
00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:18,069
Free Hungry Hungry Hippos.
177
00:07:18,069 --> 00:07:20,669
Double score!
I'm gonna check the kitchen!
178
00:07:20,669 --> 00:07:22,570
Okay.
How could she not notice this?
179
00:07:22,570 --> 00:07:25,070
It's like the last 20 minutes
of Titanic in here.
180
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:27,170
We have to keep this quiet.
181
00:07:27,170 --> 00:07:29,871
If Lily finds out her new dream
house is crooked, it's gonna...
182
00:07:29,871 --> 00:07:31,171
it's gonna break her heart.
183
00:07:31,571 --> 00:07:33,371
Free salad strainer!
184
00:07:33,371 --> 00:07:35,172
I love this place.
185
00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,472
Just for tonight, okay?
186
00:07:37,472 --> 00:07:38,572
Okay.
187
00:07:39,272 --> 00:07:41,473
But it's gonna be an uphill battle.
188
00:07:42,273 --> 00:07:45,973
I am just saying we have to
think of the right angle.
189
00:07:47,174 --> 00:07:49,374
I have a third one,
but I'm not gonna say it.
190
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:53,575
Okay, Barney, I think we've stumbled
into some kind of ethical,
191
00:07:53,575 --> 00:07:54,975
philosophical wormhole.
192
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,175
- Green suit.
- Yeah.
193
00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:57,875
I ditched Marshall and Lily,
194
00:07:57,875 --> 00:08:00,076
and was rewarded with
two beautiful girls.
195
00:08:00,076 --> 00:08:01,276
Suit's made of green.
196
00:08:01,276 --> 00:08:03,576
We bailed on those
two beautiful girls,
197
00:08:03,576 --> 00:08:06,577
and now we're being rewarded
with a sea of beautiful girls.
198
00:08:06,577 --> 00:08:08,177
38 long.
199
00:08:08,677 --> 00:08:11,478
It's like the laws of the universe
are working in reverse.
200
00:08:11,478 --> 00:08:13,678
- Can you put it on my tab?
- Yeah. What's the last name?
201
00:08:13,678 --> 00:08:14,478
Garrido.
202
00:08:15,978 --> 00:08:18,279
All right, I'm gonna try something,
and if this works...
203
00:08:18,279 --> 00:08:19,079
Uh, hey.
204
00:08:19,079 --> 00:08:20,279
Hey, what can I get you guys?
205
00:08:20,279 --> 00:08:22,379
A bottle of Dom Perignon,
and can you put it on my tab?
206
00:08:22,379 --> 00:08:23,480
Sure. What's the name?
207
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:25,080
- Garrido.
- Dude!
208
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,780
Oh, uh, yeah, you're right.
Uh, make it two bottles.
209
00:08:27,780 --> 00:08:28,680
Two.
210
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,281
Now we wait,
see if something good happens...
211
00:08:31,481 --> 00:08:32,581
Oh! Hello!
212
00:08:32,581 --> 00:08:33,781
St. Patrick's Day tradition.
213
00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:36,082
If you're not wearing green,
you got to get pinched.
214
00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:37,882
Well, I guess I got what I deserved.
215
00:08:37,882 --> 00:08:39,182
I'm not wearing green, either.
216
00:08:39,182 --> 00:08:42,583
This is, um, deep teal.
217
00:08:42,583 --> 00:08:45,283
- The lighting makes it...
- Uh, I'm Ted.
218
00:08:45,283 --> 00:08:47,783
Ashlee with two "e"s.
219
00:08:47,783 --> 00:08:50,084
Please. "C"s at most.
220
00:08:50,084 --> 00:08:52,084
You know, you guys should
come join me and my friends.
221
00:08:52,084 --> 00:08:56,285
We have a bottle of tequila and
shockingly deep belly buttons.
222
00:08:57,685 --> 00:09:00,486
Okay, it's official:
do bad things, good things happen.
223
00:09:02,086 --> 00:09:03,486
Ted, listen.
224
00:09:03,486 --> 00:09:05,686
Are you hearing that?
That's the universe.
225
00:09:05,686 --> 00:09:07,687
The universe is talking to us.
226
00:09:07,687 --> 00:09:09,787
We don't have to build
a baseball field, do we?
227
00:09:10,087 --> 00:09:14,788
No. The universe is telling us that
we have a free pass tonight.
228
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:19,489
The universe is saying that
we don't have to live in fear of the...
229
00:09:19,489 --> 00:09:20,989
- Are you still there?
- Yeah, I'm here.
230
00:09:20,989 --> 00:09:23,789
...of the repercussions of our actions.
231
00:09:23,989 --> 00:09:26,190
There is no waiting for tomorrow,
232
00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,990
because do you know why, Ted?
233
00:09:30,691 --> 00:09:33,191
There is no tomorrow.
234
00:09:34,291 --> 00:09:35,691
No tomorrow, huh?
235
00:09:35,691 --> 00:09:37,292
By the way, Mr. Garrido,
236
00:09:37,392 --> 00:09:40,992
second bottle of champagne gets you
a complimentary ounce of caviar.
237
00:09:41,192 --> 00:09:42,092
Enjoy.
238
00:09:45,593 --> 00:09:47,993
- No tomorrow!
- No tomorrow!
239
00:09:47,993 --> 00:09:49,494
No tomorrow!
240
00:09:49,494 --> 00:09:51,994
Hey, I wonder what
the grown-ups are doing right now.
241
00:09:57,295 --> 00:09:59,095
I win again.
242
00:09:59,095 --> 00:10:00,895
Why do I keep winning?
243
00:10:01,396 --> 00:10:04,596
Maybe your hippo is just
hungrier hungrier than ours.
244
00:10:04,596 --> 00:10:05,296
That's it.
245
00:10:05,296 --> 00:10:06,896
That's what it is.
It's not gravity,
246
00:10:06,996 --> 00:10:08,297
that's for sure.
I'll tell you that.
247
00:10:10,397 --> 00:10:11,897
What was that?
248
00:10:16,698 --> 00:10:18,398
What's going on here?
249
00:10:20,999 --> 00:10:22,099
Okay, Lily...
250
00:10:22,999 --> 00:10:25,900
while you were in
the other room, Robin and I,
251
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,700
we discovered something
about the apartment.
252
00:10:28,700 --> 00:10:29,800
It's not a big deal.
253
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:32,401
It's not like a disaster.
It's just...
254
00:10:32,401 --> 00:10:34,801
It's something that we're going
to have to learn to live with.
255
00:10:38,902 --> 00:10:41,002
Robin and I saw a ghost.
256
00:10:41,602 --> 00:10:42,602
What?
257
00:10:43,102 --> 00:10:44,703
Oh, he's kidding, right?
258
00:10:45,003 --> 00:10:47,403
No, we really saw a ghost.
259
00:10:47,603 --> 00:10:49,103
What did it look like?
260
00:10:49,803 --> 00:10:52,904
Uh, a sheet with two holes in it.
261
00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:55,904
He was a Confederate general
262
00:10:55,904 --> 00:10:58,205
who was wounded at
the Battle of Antietam,
263
00:10:58,205 --> 00:11:02,806
and he died at the army hospital
which once stood on this very spot.
264
00:11:02,906 --> 00:11:04,906
And now he wanders these halls,
265
00:11:04,906 --> 00:11:08,707
vowing revenge against the
Union cannonade hat once felled him.
266
00:11:08,907 --> 00:11:11,107
But he seems nice.
He's a good-good guy.
267
00:11:11,807 --> 00:11:15,908
Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere.
You see ghosts at Stars Bucks.
268
00:11:16,108 --> 00:11:20,008
That Kenny G holiday CD
just flew off the shelf.
269
00:11:20,008 --> 00:11:21,409
Last time that happened.
270
00:11:22,009 --> 00:11:24,109
But, Robin, you're a skeptic,
271
00:11:24,109 --> 00:11:26,409
so if you say you saw a ghost...
272
00:11:28,710 --> 00:11:30,610
It passed right through me,
273
00:11:30,610 --> 00:11:34,211
and suddenly I felt cold,
so very cold.
274
00:11:37,711 --> 00:11:40,012
You know, Ashlee, I'm sorry.
275
00:11:40,012 --> 00:11:42,012
You're probably just gonna want
to get up and walk away,
276
00:11:42,012 --> 00:11:45,012
but I just have to test out
this theory I've been working on.
277
00:11:45,613 --> 00:11:48,513
Tonight, I am not looking
for a relationship.
278
00:11:48,513 --> 00:11:50,913
I really just want to hook up with you,
279
00:11:50,913 --> 00:11:53,114
leave before breakfast,
and never see you again.
280
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:56,514
I'm in.
281
00:11:56,514 --> 00:11:58,415
Unbelievable.
282
00:12:00,315 --> 00:12:02,515
Hot damn, that's a deep navel.
283
00:12:02,715 --> 00:12:04,216
No tomorrow, Ted.
284
00:12:04,216 --> 00:12:06,116
Yeah, no tomorrow, Barney.
285
00:12:06,716 --> 00:12:08,316
No tomorrow, huh?
286
00:12:08,816 --> 00:12:10,717
I like that idea.
287
00:12:11,117 --> 00:12:13,617
Because if there is a tomorrow,
288
00:12:13,617 --> 00:12:15,717
I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble.
289
00:12:15,717 --> 00:12:18,018
Oh, yeah? Why is that?
290
00:12:18,018 --> 00:12:19,718
I'm married.
291
00:12:23,119 --> 00:12:25,319
Tell me you're messing with me, guys.
292
00:12:25,319 --> 00:12:27,219
You didn't actually see a ghost.
293
00:12:27,219 --> 00:12:29,920
It's not a big deal, baby.
He seemed friendly.
294
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,220
You said he's a Confederate general.
They're the bad guys.
295
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,921
And he's probably racist.
296
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,121
No, he seemed polite.
297
00:12:37,121 --> 00:12:39,721
He had courtly Southern manners.
298
00:12:39,721 --> 00:12:41,722
We're gonna raise our kids here.
299
00:12:41,722 --> 00:12:45,722
I don't want some Confederate general
ghost teaching them his racism.
300
00:12:45,722 --> 00:12:49,223
He loves people of
all colors and creeds.
301
00:12:49,223 --> 00:12:51,123
He was fighting
for states' rights, that's all.
302
00:12:51,123 --> 00:12:52,924
Robin said he was wearing a sheet.
303
00:12:52,924 --> 00:12:54,624
What do you think that means?
304
00:12:54,624 --> 00:12:56,524
The apartment is crooked.
305
00:12:57,424 --> 00:12:58,524
What?
306
00:13:00,625 --> 00:13:03,225
Robin and I didn't see a ghost.
307
00:13:06,126 --> 00:13:08,426
The floor is crooked, isn't it?
308
00:13:09,126 --> 00:13:10,226
Yeah.
309
00:13:11,327 --> 00:13:14,927
We spent our entire life's
savings on this floor.
310
00:13:15,327 --> 00:13:19,728
The next 30 mortgage-paying years
of our lives will be spent
311
00:13:19,828 --> 00:13:22,328
on this floor, and it's crooked.
312
00:13:29,029 --> 00:13:30,930
Thanks a lot, Robin.
313
00:13:33,030 --> 00:13:36,931
How is "racist ghost"
better than "crooked"?
314
00:13:37,631 --> 00:13:40,331
Seriously, somebody tell me
how that's better.
315
00:13:42,732 --> 00:13:44,132
Oh, I'm sorry.
316
00:13:44,132 --> 00:13:45,632
Oh, that's okay.
317
00:13:45,632 --> 00:13:48,533
Um, dude, so, I'm having second
thoughts about that theory.
318
00:13:48,533 --> 00:13:52,233
I'm telling you, if you want to know how
old a woman is, check her elbows.
319
00:13:52,233 --> 00:13:53,433
Not that theory.
320
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:56,534
You have to be more specific, Ted,
'cause I have so many theories.
321
00:13:56,534 --> 00:13:59,334
The whole do bad,
good things happen...
322
00:13:59,334 --> 00:14:01,935
- Ashlee is married.
- So?
323
00:14:01,935 --> 00:14:03,335
What do you mean, so?
324
00:14:03,435 --> 00:14:05,235
Open your brain tank, brah,
325
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:08,936
'cause here comes some
premium 91 octane knowledge.
326
00:14:08,936 --> 00:14:10,536
There's three rules of cheating:
327
00:14:10,536 --> 00:14:12,937
It's not cheating if you're not
the one who's married,
328
00:14:12,937 --> 00:14:16,337
it's not cheating if her name has
two adjacent vowels,
329
00:14:16,337 --> 00:14:18,838
and it's not cheating if she's from
a different area code.
330
00:14:18,838 --> 00:14:20,338
You're fine on all three counts.
331
00:14:20,338 --> 00:14:22,338
How do you know she's from
a different area code?
332
00:14:22,338 --> 00:14:24,439
She's 516.
333
00:14:24,439 --> 00:14:27,539
She might dress like she's 718,
act like she's 212,
334
00:14:28,439 --> 00:14:29,739
but trust me, she's 516.
335
00:14:29,739 --> 00:14:31,040
Oh, and her husband...
336
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,340
letting her out alone
on Saint Patty's Day?
337
00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:36,540
If that dude's not 973, I'm 307.
338
00:14:38,141 --> 00:14:39,341
Wyoming.
339
00:14:43,642 --> 00:14:45,842
We're gonna have to nail down
all our furniture.
340
00:14:45,842 --> 00:14:48,242
We won't be able to get
a pinball machine.
341
00:14:48,342 --> 00:14:51,643
I mean, unless we put some books under
two of the legs or something.
342
00:14:51,643 --> 00:14:53,443
But then what if we want
to read those books?
343
00:14:53,443 --> 00:14:55,144
This is a nightmare.
344
00:14:55,444 --> 00:14:58,644
We can't raise our kids here.
They'll grow up slanted.
345
00:14:58,844 --> 00:15:01,445
If we have a daughter,
we'll have to call her Eileen.
346
00:15:02,545 --> 00:15:05,245
I don't think we can live here,
Marshall.
347
00:15:05,745 --> 00:15:07,846
I don't know what we're gonna do.
348
00:15:08,446 --> 00:15:09,746
Marshall?
349
00:15:10,246 --> 00:15:11,746
Open the door.
350
00:15:22,148 --> 00:15:24,948
If I make it through the door,
that's five points.
351
00:15:26,449 --> 00:15:28,949
Woo-hoo!
352
00:15:29,049 --> 00:15:30,249
Yeah!
353
00:15:31,449 --> 00:15:32,750
Five points.
354
00:15:32,750 --> 00:15:35,150
Ten bucks says I can do it backwards.
355
00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:39,051
So Lily and Marshall decided to make
the best of a bad situation.
356
00:15:39,051 --> 00:15:42,851
And that's also how the sport of
Apartment Roller Luge was invented.
357
00:15:42,851 --> 00:15:46,452
Very careful baby!
Oh yeah!
358
00:15:46,452 --> 00:15:49,252
So she's married?
It's not like she has kids.
359
00:15:49,352 --> 00:15:50,453
How do you know?
360
00:15:50,653 --> 00:15:51,553
Wrists.
361
00:15:51,553 --> 00:15:53,853
It's like you don't even listen to me.
362
00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:56,854
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
363
00:15:56,854 --> 00:15:58,054
Where'd you go?
364
00:15:58,054 --> 00:15:59,354
Well, I just, um...
365
00:15:59,354 --> 00:16:02,054
- Was it something I said?
- No, no, no, it's just, well...
366
00:16:02,054 --> 00:16:06,155
you're married and-and we've been
drinking, and I was worried we might...
367
00:16:07,555 --> 00:16:09,856
Oh, this is a very bad idea.
368
00:16:11,756 --> 00:16:14,356
- We have a problem.
- Hey, hey. Hey.
369
00:16:14,356 --> 00:16:16,157
Hey.
370
00:16:16,157 --> 00:16:17,757
Is this your husband?
371
00:16:17,857 --> 00:16:20,057
I've never seen this man in my life.
372
00:16:20,357 --> 00:16:22,558
Oh, okay.
Uh, what's our problem?
373
00:16:22,558 --> 00:16:24,558
Rick. Rick Garrido.
374
00:16:24,558 --> 00:16:26,458
According to the bartender,
I'm the guy
375
00:16:26,458 --> 00:16:28,659
that's been buying you
champagne all night.
376
00:16:28,759 --> 00:16:32,559
Okay, there's-there's
a very simple explana...
377
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:35,660
Next thing I know the police show up,
they arrest the other guy,
378
00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:38,160
and I'm drinking for free
the rest of the night.
379
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,361
It was awesome.
380
00:16:41,361 --> 00:16:42,661
Awesome, huh?
381
00:16:42,861 --> 00:16:43,861
Yeah.
382
00:16:44,261 --> 00:16:46,562
You don't see anything wrong
with that story?
383
00:16:46,762 --> 00:16:49,162
Well, I lost my new phone back
at the club somewhere.
384
00:16:49,162 --> 00:16:51,563
What the hell is wrong
with you, dude?
385
00:16:51,663 --> 00:16:53,563
You know me, I lose things.
386
00:16:53,563 --> 00:16:56,263
You kissed a married woman, Ted.
387
00:16:56,263 --> 00:16:58,864
You committed credit card fraud.
388
00:16:58,864 --> 00:17:02,664
You... you kissed a married woman.
Do you know how offensive that is to me?
389
00:17:02,664 --> 00:17:04,265
You're turning into Barney.
390
00:17:04,265 --> 00:17:05,965
We don't need another Barney.
391
00:17:06,465 --> 00:17:07,465
Look...
392
00:17:07,565 --> 00:17:09,565
it's Saint Patty's Day.
393
00:17:09,866 --> 00:17:12,066
It wasn't as bad as it sounds.
394
00:17:12,066 --> 00:17:14,166
- "It wasn't as bad as it sounds"?
- No.
395
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:15,366
Huh? Okay...
396
00:17:15,466 --> 00:17:18,267
I want you to hear exactly
how it sounds, Ted.
397
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:23,068
First skipped message:
I don't see no ring on this finger.
398
00:17:23,068 --> 00:17:25,268
And then last night started
coming back to me:
399
00:17:25,568 --> 00:17:26,568
The real version.
400
00:17:27,468 --> 00:17:30,069
Are the girls in there
hotter than our dates ?
401
00:17:30,269 --> 00:17:32,969
I don't know if they're hotter,
but they're drunker.
402
00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:35,470
Rock 'n' roll.
403
00:17:39,070 --> 00:17:41,371
- How many messages did I...
- Seventeen...
404
00:17:42,471 --> 00:17:46,171
Kids, it's sometimes possible to think
you're doing just fine in life...
405
00:17:46,171 --> 00:17:49,072
Next message:
Can you put it on my tab?
406
00:17:49,772 --> 00:17:51,472
Sure, what's the last name?
407
00:17:51,672 --> 00:17:53,073
Garrido.
408
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:55,473
...and then someone opens
your eyes a little bit,
409
00:17:55,473 --> 00:17:56,773
and you realize...
410
00:17:56,773 --> 00:17:58,173
Next message:
411
00:17:58,173 --> 00:17:59,974
I really want to hook up with you,
412
00:17:59,974 --> 00:18:02,574
leave before breakfast,
and then never see you again.
413
00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:05,075
...your whole world is off balance...
414
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:07,075
Next message :
415
00:18:07,075 --> 00:18:08,075
...out of whack...
416
00:18:08,075 --> 00:18:10,275
Okay, look, brah,
417
00:18:10,275 --> 00:18:12,776
there is a very simple explana...
418
00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:14,676
...crooked.
419
00:18:18,977 --> 00:18:20,677
That was hard to listen to.
420
00:18:22,477 --> 00:18:25,178
No one likes how they sound
on an answering machine.
421
00:18:27,278 --> 00:18:28,678
Thanks for doing that.
422
00:18:31,979 --> 00:18:33,579
You yelled at me.
423
00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:35,780
You got very firm with me.
424
00:18:35,780 --> 00:18:36,880
Very confident.
425
00:18:37,180 --> 00:18:38,380
It was cool.
426
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:39,880
Thanks.
427
00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:42,181
- You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall.
- Shut up.
428
00:18:42,881 --> 00:18:44,881
Veins, crazy muscles in your neck.
429
00:18:44,881 --> 00:18:46,881
You look like
a Kentucky Derby-winning steed.
430
00:18:46,881 --> 00:18:48,282
You're ruining a nice moment.
431
00:18:48,282 --> 00:18:50,482
At one point, I swear,
I thought we were gonna kiss.
432
00:18:50,482 --> 00:18:52,182
Ted, seriously.
433
00:18:52,682 --> 00:18:54,083
I'm married.
434
00:18:57,383 --> 00:18:58,883
Oh... a slanted floor.
435
00:18:58,883 --> 00:19:01,184
Architecturally speaking,
fixing that's going to be...
436
00:19:01,184 --> 00:19:03,884
Very, very, very expensive.
437
00:19:03,884 --> 00:19:06,685
And it's gonna take some time, too, so
438
00:19:06,685 --> 00:19:09,785
it looks like you're stuck with us for
a little while longer, if that's okay.
439
00:19:09,985 --> 00:19:11,085
Are you kidding?
440
00:19:11,085 --> 00:19:11,986
I love it.
441
00:19:11,986 --> 00:19:14,786
I don't know what's gonna happen
to me without you guys around.
442
00:19:14,786 --> 00:19:15,686
Where are you going?
443
00:19:15,686 --> 00:19:18,187
I'm going to get my stupid phone.
444
00:19:19,387 --> 00:19:22,387
So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008.
445
00:19:22,387 --> 00:19:25,388
I found out years later
that your mom was at that party.
446
00:19:25,388 --> 00:19:26,988
I just didn't meet her.
447
00:19:27,088 --> 00:19:29,088
And it's a good thing I didn't,
448
00:19:29,088 --> 00:19:31,989
'cause if I had met her,
I don't think she would have liked me.
449
00:19:31,989 --> 00:19:34,089
Heck, I don't think I liked me.
450
00:19:34,189 --> 00:19:35,689
But that's okay.
451
00:19:35,889 --> 00:19:37,090
Tomorrow had arrived.
452
00:19:37,090 --> 00:19:40,390
# Leave me alone, and there'll be #
453
00:19:40,390 --> 00:19:46,291
# No one to get hurt #
454
00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:55,193
# Nobody move and there'll be
Nothin' to disturb #
455
00:19:55,193 --> 00:20:04,894
# The sum of it all is that you
Don't know where to turn #
456
00:20:04,894 --> 00:20:12,995
# Despite all your promises you
Don't keep what you learn #
457
00:20:12,995 --> 00:20:15,096
You see, I didn't know it yet,
458
00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:18,496
but my luck was about to change.
459
00:20:18,496 --> 00:20:23,997
# Beautiful beat get me
out of this mess #
460
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:42,600
I'm awesome!
33569
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