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1
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:09,142
Something is wrong
with Gizmo lately.
2
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:10,711
He's morose, distracted.
3
00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:12,613
Like a man with a secret.
4
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:15,082
I mean, he's still
a perfectly adequate familiar.
5
00:00:15,115 --> 00:00:17,351
But there's just something
not right about him.
6
00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:19,319
What it is, I don't know,
7
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,787
but I intend to find out.
8
00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:22,656
So we're all here.
That's good.
9
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,259
-If I can have
your undivided attention - What?
10
00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:27,127
-for a few minutes?
-Absolutely not. - No.
11
00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,496
So, aren't you
actually a vampire now?
12
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,999
-Hmm?
-Didn't you pay your friend Derek
13
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:34,334
-to turn you into a--
-We're not talking about that right now.
14
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,003
He's behaving unusually.
15
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,471
If there's anyone that can get
16
00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:38,338
to the bottom of this
kind of thing, it's me.
17
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,407
Why? 'Cause I'm
the king of bottoms.
18
00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,780
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
19
00:00:46,813 --> 00:00:50,317
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
20
00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:52,586
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
21
00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:54,721
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
22
00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:59,493
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
23
00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:02,429
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
24
00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:04,565
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
25
00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,500
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
26
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:19,146
-As I was saying--
Couple of questions. First one:
27
00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:21,048
-Why? And also,
-Okay, you know what?
28
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,783
-who gives you the right?
Okay, I was just--
29
00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:24,451
I have a follow-up
to that.
30
00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:25,352
Okay.
31
00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:27,688
Yeah.
32
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,023
Nadja, Laszlo,
Colin Robinson, please.
33
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:32,092
I would like to hear
what Guillermo has to say.
34
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:34,661
A lot has changed
35
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:36,363
since you last saw me.
36
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:38,765
I'm in a really good place.
37
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,268
And it is all thanks
to an ancient book of wisdom
38
00:01:41,301 --> 00:01:44,671
I discovered
that laid buried in Laszlo's
39
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,508
library of precious volumes
for years and years.
40
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,309
This book has
41
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:52,112
taught me to focus
on what is really important,
42
00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:56,750
like who is okay
and who is not okay.
43
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,485
Thank you for sharing,
Guillermo.
44
00:01:58,519 --> 00:02:00,320
You are okay.
45
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:03,724
-I didn't say anything yet.
-Then that is okay.
46
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:07,060
Okay. I want to talk about
something very important.
47
00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,196
If this about
my sexual intercourse,
48
00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:11,031
I saw the doctor
and took the test.
49
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,599
No, that was a Cosmo quiz
that you took
50
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,735
called "Which Sex and the City
Icon Are You?"
51
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:17,171
-And I was Kim Cattrall.
-Ooh.
52
00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:18,172
-Ooh.
- Now, I haven't got a clue who
53
00:02:18,205 --> 00:02:19,173
that is,
but as long as she's sexy
54
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:21,308
and down to fuck, bingo.
55
00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:23,343
-Fine diagnosis.
Okay, the thing I want to talk about is
56
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:24,711
-vampire safety.
-Go on.
57
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,146
You're all becoming very sloppy
58
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,748
covering your vampirisms
in public, okay?
59
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:28,715
It's becoming very dangerous.
60
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,651
What is the big deal?
61
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,319
If anyone notices,
we just hypnotize them
62
00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:33,687
-like we always do.
No,
63
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,289
you've been doing that
way too much lately.
64
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:39,126
Yes, but I have getting
really okay at it.
65
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,728
-You okay?
-I am fine.
66
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:44,264
No, no, no. No, no.
67
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:47,701
-You will all forget
68
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:51,305
that someone tripped
and who it was.
69
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,173
I just fear that
the hypnosis is making
70
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,675
the borough dumber and dumber.
71
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:57,611
We live in Staten Island.
Nobody will notice.
72
00:02:57,644 --> 00:03:00,047
There are just some things
you will never understand
73
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,783
-because you're not a vampire.
- Yeah.
74
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:04,551
- Very good point.
- Precisely.
75
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,220
But even if I was a vampire, I--
76
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,528
We are not laughing with you,
we are laughing at you.
77
00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:16,363
You know what?
Enough, okay?
78
00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,031
Don't count on me to always
be here to protect you.
79
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:20,200
I'm not gonna be around forever.
80
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,269
Really? Where will you go,
David Attenborough?
81
00:03:22,302 --> 00:03:23,303
Right now?
-Yes.
82
00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:25,372
-Out of this room.
-Oh, finally.
83
00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:27,040
And that is okay.
84
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,376
Look, guys, please, can I just
have, like, a minute?
85
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:31,144
Please, can--
You know what, fine.
86
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,179
Fine.
Let's get this over with.
87
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:34,414
Lock the door.
88
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:35,549
Lock the--
Please look the door.
89
00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:37,718
So, yeah, 16 days ago,
90
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:40,521
I made an impulsive decision
to have Derek...
91
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,488
Make me a vampire.
92
00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:42,756
Sure, man.
93
00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,360
-Oh. Whoa. Not yet, sorry.
- Just a...
94
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,762
I know, but just
gonna take my...
95
00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:50,297
-cardigan off.
-Yeah, of course, of course.
96
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:51,632
Just don't want anything on it.
97
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,066
-My grandma gave it to me.
-Mm.
98
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,268
And...
99
00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:55,702
I was a little nervous at first,
100
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,605
and your first time
I guess always... is?
101
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:01,675
Uh... Okay.
102
00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:02,543
-Here we are.
-Yes.
103
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,677
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
104
00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:06,713
I'm ready.
105
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:10,751
Derek,
106
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,386
customer toilet
is clogged again.
107
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,620
You know what?
I got to take care of this.
108
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:14,788
Wait, what? Now?
109
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,523
If I don't do it now,
people just go
110
00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:18,325
on top of what's already there,
and believe me,
111
00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:19,459
-then no one's happy.
-Derek,
112
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:21,628
later.
After...
113
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:22,996
Oh, yes, of course, yes.
114
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:23,764
You know what?
Trevor's always telling me
115
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:24,765
I have bad task management
116
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:26,033
skills, you know?
117
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:28,068
First, turn you into a vampire.
118
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,003
-Yes.
-Then I'll clean the toilets.
119
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,605
I'm ready.
120
00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:33,240
Derek moved in,
121
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,209
and finally--
122
00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:40,614
What are you doing?
123
00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:45,485
Just... showing off your...
your sound machine.
124
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,354
Why do you have it on
125
00:04:47,387 --> 00:04:50,190
"rainy night at
the leaky castle" setting?
126
00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:52,159
-Ah...
127
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,361
The creatures of the night.
128
00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:57,498
Such beautiful music they make.
129
00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:01,201
It also has a setting
for "banshee wail"
130
00:05:01,235 --> 00:05:04,171
-It's white noise.
-and "abandoned orphanage."
131
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:05,372
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
132
00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:07,508
-Very creepy.
-Master, is there something that
133
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,409
you needed to discuss with me?
134
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:11,445
Yes.
135
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,514
There is.
136
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,084
Guillermo...
137
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:19,753
we know why
you have been acting so
138
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:22,055
oddly lately.
139
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,524
-You do?
-Mm.
140
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:25,659
Are you-are you mad?
141
00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:27,528
Yes.
142
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:30,164
We are mad at ourselves
143
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:32,633
for forgetting your birthday.
144
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:36,336
I am okay and you are okay,
but this is not okay.
145
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,471
For a human,
146
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,040
a birthday is a terrible day.
147
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:43,377
-We have forgotten his birthday.
-Oh, yes.
148
00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:45,579
No, I really don't think
it's about his birthday.
149
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:48,248
And if it is, what a bitch.
150
00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:50,617
-When is his birthday?
-Uh...
151
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,686
I don't know, to be honest.
152
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,288
Poor creatures
only live for, like,
153
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:57,090
two, 300 years, tops.
154
00:05:57,124 --> 00:05:58,992
So we are taking you out
for a birthday dinner.
155
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,562
Change into your nicest
shitty sweater
156
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,497
-and we will see you
at the restaurant. -What...
157
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,998
What restaurant?
158
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,739
So, full disclosure:
159
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:16,009
I am back in the workforce.
160
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:19,746
I'm Colin Robinson.
I'll be taking your order today.
161
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:23,183
So, what are we thinking about
munching on?
162
00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:26,320
I decided to take a break
from the office life.
163
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:29,723
How about we set you two up
with some pro-sexy?
164
00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:32,559
It's a fun way
of saying prosecco.
165
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,027
-Prosecco is...
166
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:37,030
Simply because
the opportunities to feed
167
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:41,468
in the service industry
are so incredible.
168
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,437
Dressing on the side. Ugh.
169
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:45,405
Uh, I can ask the chef,
170
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:48,008
but it's probably a no go.
171
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,710
-I hate to see you cry.
-I'm not crying.
172
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,211
I just...
I want...
173
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,346
Pardon my reach.
174
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:54,681
Oops.
175
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,450
Just wanted to check in
on you two,
176
00:06:56,483 --> 00:06:57,718
see how everything's tasting.
177
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,721
Think about desert.
178
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,289
-Strip steak.
-Uh-huh.
179
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:03,590
Medium-well.
180
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:07,427
The Caesar salad
but with no croutons.
181
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,696
Are you sure
you're getting all this?
182
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,533
Yeah, I-I never
write anything down.
183
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:15,035
I got it.
I think I know you want.
184
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,436
Bon appétit.
185
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,307
Hey, folks, my name is Colin.
186
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,442
I'll be your server
this evening.
187
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:24,311
Has your whole party arrived?
188
00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:27,748
No. Tonight,
Gizmo arrives upon an Uber.
189
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:30,551
-Mm-hmm.
-Okay. They're really not supposed to
190
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,452
seat you until your
entire party has arrived.
191
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:35,022
Can I ask you to go stand
in the crowded alcove
192
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,690
where the cigarette smoke
comes in?
193
00:07:36,723 --> 00:07:39,059
Fuck off.
Just get us anything
194
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,727
so it looks like we're eating.
195
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:43,263
Okey dokey, jalapeño poppers,
jalapeño poppers,
196
00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,065
jalapeño poppers,
197
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,434
and one more per la tavola.
198
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:51,004
Koúkla mou, do you want
to come up and join us?
199
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,173
-No, I hate you
and I want to die.
200
00:07:53,207 --> 00:07:55,142
When I was running
the vampire nightclub
201
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,277
I may have got a little bit
202
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,446
too much into the old, uh,
203
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,314
liquor blood.
204
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:05,385
And then, one night,
I got so shit off my faced...
205
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,555
...that I sat on my dolly
206
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:11,158
and I minced her legs
with my wagon.
207
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:12,993
Don't be such a Debbie Downer.
208
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:15,996
-Come and join in the human
birthday party. -Yes, eh?
209
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,432
What you've done to my legs
is unforgivable.
210
00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:21,001
Nadja absolutely crushed
my lower body.
211
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,402
There's nothing wrong
with my butt.
212
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:24,738
Eh, I'll be the judge of that.
213
00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,473
And Colin Robinson's solution
214
00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:30,010
is something I very much
do not like.
215
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,579
Come on, you can be the queen
of the restaurant, huh?
216
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:33,580
-Push the button, my darling.
- Don't you dare
217
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,449
press the button on my toe.
218
00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,150
Oh, come on, it's so fun.
219
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,752
-♪ I feel good... ♪
220
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:39,653
-No! I don't actually
feel good at all!
221
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,722
♪ I knew that I would, now... ♪
222
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:44,558
I will never forgive you for
destroying my-- ♪ I feel good ♪
223
00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:47,294
-Wow! Peekaboo!
Queen of Soul in the house. -♪ So good... ♪
224
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,263
-Fuck-fuck-fuck you all!
♪ So good ♪ - I think so.
225
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:50,731
♪ I got you. ♪
Ow!
226
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,332
-Ow! Stop!
227
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,434
Put me back under the table.
228
00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:56,703
-Oh, what have I done?
-You know what you did.
229
00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:58,272
You're never
going to forgive me, are you?
230
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:00,474
Colin Robinson.
231
00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:01,608
-Yes, sir?
- Are those
232
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:05,179
"yalapeño" whatevers--
are they coming any time soon?
233
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,047
Oh, I'll ask your server
to check on those.
234
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,315
I thought you were our server.
235
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,050
I'm on break.
236
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,686
-My darling,
what is on your mind? - Yes.
237
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:15,155
It's nothing, I just...
238
00:09:15,189 --> 00:09:16,690
I can't get something
out of my mind that
239
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,659
that little pipsqueak Gizmo
said about
240
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,562
not being around forever.
241
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:23,697
I mean, he could mean
that he's gonna die soon.
242
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,265
-Right.
-That's something that, uh,
243
00:09:25,299 --> 00:09:26,300
-humans do.
All the time.
244
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:28,135
Or he could get his old job
245
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,469
at Panera Bread back.
246
00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:31,538
That's another thing
all humans do
247
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,540
-at some point. Or...
-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
248
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:36,710
I suppose eventually,
perhaps, he could...
249
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,414
...become a vampire himself.
250
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,749
-
-Fuck, no.
251
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:46,186
-What an idiot.
-It could happen. It could happen.
252
00:09:46,220 --> 00:09:48,622
I don't understand why.
Why do you keep asking that?
253
00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:50,491
You were there,
you saw what happened.
254
00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:51,391
-Why are we going to--
-Guillermo, we're just trying to
255
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,460
understand it from
your point of view.
256
00:09:53,494 --> 00:09:54,695
Derek leaned in...
257
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:55,729
Wait, stop!
258
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,531
-Oh, what?!
-Sorry.
259
00:09:57,564 --> 00:09:58,665
Have you done this before?
260
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:01,134
Yeah.
Tons of ti--
261
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,302
Like, many dozens of times.
262
00:10:02,336 --> 00:10:03,537
-Derek.
-I'm-- No.
263
00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,639
I haven't. No.
Um, have you?
264
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:09,276
Why doesn't Andy just do this?
265
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,311
-Who?
-Your master.
266
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:13,614
You mean Nandor?
267
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,749
Oh-- Okay.
268
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,751
That clears up so much for me.
269
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,319
I mean, I kept thinking,
270
00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:21,421
"A vampire named Andy?
That's so random."
271
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:22,623
It's not like
he doesn't want to.
272
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,024
It's, like, he always says
273
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,193
he's gonna get around
to it, you know?
274
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,028
He actually cares
about me a lot,
275
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,296
and he does a lot of
276
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,431
-really nice things for me.
-Oh.
277
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,304
Oh, sorry, I'm just pausing.
278
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,006
It's for the editors.
279
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,440
They insert, probably, like,
a cute montage or something,
280
00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:42,409
of all the stuff
he's done for me
281
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:45,078
-over the years,
so, might take a second. -Okay.
282
00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:46,346
-Oh, okay.
-Yeah.
283
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,721
Are you sure
you want to do this?
284
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,623
Yes.
285
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:58,425
No, I still absolutely
want to be a vampire.
286
00:10:58,458 --> 00:10:59,593
I just didn't think it would
287
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:01,695
-happen like this.
-Mm.
288
00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:03,564
I don't know, maybe it's, like,
deep down inside,
289
00:11:03,597 --> 00:11:05,299
my psyche is just
telling me that
290
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:08,035
I'm really not ready to, like--
291
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,270
Oh, shit!
What the fuck are you doing?!
292
00:11:10,304 --> 00:11:13,440
-Oh, oh, oh.
293
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:14,575
I'm sorry, I-I thought
you said you were ready.
294
00:11:14,608 --> 00:11:16,410
I wasn't ready!
295
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:17,678
I heard "ready!"
I just heard "ready!"
296
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,146
I think he hit an artery.
297
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,013
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
298
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,315
¡Puta madre!
299
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,317
Oh!
300
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,319
And it was just like...
301
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:29,223
Aah! Fucking shit! Oh!
302
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:30,757
Be honest with me. Is it bad?
303
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:31,992
Hold still, let me look.
304
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,560
Uh, yeah, it's bad.
305
00:11:33,594 --> 00:11:36,163
-Oh! ¡Puta madre!
306
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,397
Okay, I got to drink your blood.
307
00:11:37,431 --> 00:11:39,433
Ooh. That is gonna be
a sticking point for me.
308
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,435
-Why is that?
-Because I'm a bit of a fainter.
309
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,303
-I have low blood pressure.
-What?
310
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:46,740
If I'm being honest, you people
can be real parasites.
311
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,408
I mean, why do I need
to repeat myself?
312
00:11:48,442 --> 00:11:50,310
You were there,
you saw the blood.
313
00:11:50,344 --> 00:11:52,713
-Thank you so much, and
I will be giving you five stars. -Yeah.
314
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:54,348
And you know what? I'm done.
I'm off to my birthday dinner
315
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,415
when it's not really
my birthday.
316
00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:56,583
Imagine Guillermo
317
00:11:56,617 --> 00:12:00,187
flying around
in his little short legs.
318
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,322
-I enjoy that joke.
-That's made my night.
319
00:12:02,356 --> 00:12:04,158
What's so funny?
What'd I miss?
320
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:06,260
Hey, gang.
321
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,997
Hi. Do you mind if I borrow?
Thank you so much.
322
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,732
-That's me.
-What's so funny?
323
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:13,567
Oh, nothing.
324
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,302
We were doing the joke
where we imagine
325
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:17,738
that you have become a vampire.
326
00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:21,141
I don't know why
that's so laughable.
327
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:23,577
-Could you imagine
Grahame as a vampire? -I know!
328
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:26,313
He would be just a little bat
with diarrhea, like...
329
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,482
Flying and then...
330
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,617
Why do I always shit
in your scenarios?
331
00:12:30,651 --> 00:12:32,452
Guillermo, I'm sorry.
Eventually, of course,
332
00:12:32,486 --> 00:12:34,755
I will definitely be
turning you into a vampire
333
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:36,456
when the time is right.
334
00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:38,125
But you got to admit,
it's a funny image.
335
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:41,728
With the big glasses.
336
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,164
Or a shitty woolen cape.
337
00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:45,599
What if-what if I didn't wait
338
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:47,568
till I felt like you thought
the time was right?
339
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,436
- What do you mean?
What if, hypothetically,
340
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,039
walking down the street,
and then Dracula--
341
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:54,741
-
-Dracula? He says,
342
00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:57,144
"Do you want me to make you
into a vampire?"
343
00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,113
And I said yes?
344
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:11,124
A familiar going to a vampire
who is not his master
345
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,060
and asking him to turn him?
346
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:16,029
Now, I am a fan of edgy comedy,
347
00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:18,665
but that is no laughing matter.
348
00:13:18,699 --> 00:13:20,033
I'm not entirely sure
we should be
349
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,402
talking about any of this
out loud.
350
00:13:22,436 --> 00:13:23,237
But it's okay.
351
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,705
I was just saying
hypothetically.
352
00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:25,706
Hypothetically,
353
00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:27,007
what you are talking about
354
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,309
is the greatest humiliation
355
00:13:29,343 --> 00:13:32,145
a familiar could bestow
upon his master.
356
00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:35,682
If that were to happen,
Guillermo...
357
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,320
...then I will kill you.
358
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:45,125
I would not like to do it,
but I would have to do it.
359
00:13:45,159 --> 00:13:46,693
And then I would kill myself,
360
00:13:46,727 --> 00:13:49,163
which I would not like either.
361
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:51,698
There are some things
about which
362
00:13:51,732 --> 00:13:54,134
we do not joke.
363
00:13:54,168 --> 00:13:55,269
Obee-kaybee.
364
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:59,173
I have six plates
of veggie dumplings
365
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,574
and a chocolate pudding.
366
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:03,343
- That looks...
Mm, brown.
367
00:14:03,377 --> 00:14:05,412
-Thank you.
- ...like shit.
368
00:14:11,485 --> 00:14:15,422
Well, it was a nice dinner,
so you have had a
369
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,424
to distract you from the fact
you will soon die.
370
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,293
-You are welcome.
-Hear, hear. Well said.
371
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:21,295
And, for your birthday wish,
372
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:24,064
we all promise
to do a much better job
373
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,133
of blending in,
as you requested.
374
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,302
I guess I'll see you
back at the hou--
375
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,137
Okay. I'm just gonna
get some stuff at the mall.
376
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,540
What is "mawrl?"
377
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,311
I have heard
- Oh, ho!
378
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,447
about this thing called mall.
379
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,717
But I thought
it was a myth, a rumor,
380
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:47,421
a fairy tale made up
by an insane child.
381
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,556
-This, I have to see.
Maybe I shouldn't
382
00:14:49,590 --> 00:14:51,124
have mentioned anything
about the mall. That's on me.
383
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:52,326
I take responsibility for that.
384
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:55,662
Okay, this is the mall.
385
00:14:55,696 --> 00:14:59,466
Just sit down and people-watch,
do whatever you want
386
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,734
while sitting down.
387
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:03,070
I'm gonna get some new glasses
and a footlocker
388
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:05,038
-and then we can go home.
-It is rising!
389
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,039
That's an elevator.
-Ah.
390
00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:07,608
So just stay here.
391
00:15:07,641 --> 00:15:10,410
-Great.
-Yes, we understand. Okay, great.
392
00:15:10,444 --> 00:15:12,412
-I'll be right back.
- All right. Yeah.
393
00:15:12,446 --> 00:15:13,413
I'm gonna get you
some new knickers.
394
00:15:13,447 --> 00:15:15,182
What is Sephora?
395
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:18,685
Gilly's Gifts. Very nice.
396
00:15:18,719 --> 00:15:21,188
This mall has
a Guillermo's Gifts?
397
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,190
Uh, I'm not sure.
398
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,559
That is fine.
I will explore.
399
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:29,196
I would like you to tell me
more about this product.
400
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:31,198
Well, that's Shrek.
-Great.
401
00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:32,266
Ring me up.
402
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,067
And also...
403
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,703
I would like you to honor
these special coupons.
404
00:15:36,737 --> 00:15:39,039
I will honor this coupon
405
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,607
for a free oil change
406
00:15:40,641 --> 00:15:44,144
that expired 18 years ago,
407
00:15:44,178 --> 00:15:46,346
-Yes.
-and this one that's
408
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:50,117
just a cut-out photo of
Ryan Seacrest from a magazine.
409
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,321
-Will it work?
-Yes, of course it will work.
410
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:57,257
We are going to fix this,
and this is how we do it.
411
00:15:57,291 --> 00:15:59,159
Sorry about that.
412
00:15:59,193 --> 00:16:01,161
-So, did we make a selection?
-Yes.
413
00:16:01,195 --> 00:16:03,730
I am looking for
the exact proportions of
414
00:16:03,764 --> 00:16:07,434
Venus herself when her pussy
was serving witches tea,
415
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,137
nipples so sharp they're on
the most wanted list,
416
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,439
and a taint that can sign
its own checks.
417
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:16,710
Uh... I meant more like,
which hat did you want?
418
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:20,080
Oh, yes.
Rainbow sombrero for sure.
419
00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:21,281
- Okay.
420
00:16:21,315 --> 00:16:23,584
-What is wrong now?
421
00:16:23,617 --> 00:16:26,687
You didn't even
ask for my opinion.
422
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,422
What the hell are you
talking about?
423
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:30,724
Did you not hear
what I said about the taint?
424
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:33,393
Malls are fascinating places
full of fascinating things.
425
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:36,697
That's a baby village.
426
00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:38,465
Makes sense to keep them all
in one place.
427
00:16:38,499 --> 00:16:39,666
That's called London Shoes.
428
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:41,702
Now, if those shoes
were really from London,
429
00:16:41,735 --> 00:16:43,403
they'd be covered in shit.
430
00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:45,305
Bikini Warehouse.
431
00:16:45,339 --> 00:16:48,041
-Must be a front for a brothel.
Excuse me.
432
00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:50,577
-Hi. Would you like to sample
our new scent, Noir? -No, fuck off.
433
00:16:50,611 --> 00:16:53,313
Can't be sidetracked
with cheap sex potions.
434
00:16:53,347 --> 00:16:54,715
Question still remains.
435
00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:56,416
What is Gizmo up to?
436
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:07,694
Hyah!
437
00:17:07,728 --> 00:17:10,430
Prepare to be pillaged!
438
00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:12,566
-Laszlo!
-Shut up.
439
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,168
-I found John!
-Idiot.
440
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,435
- It's John!
-Fucking idiot.
441
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:19,306
Make this thing go faster!
442
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:22,075
That was, uh, some pretty
heavy stuff at dinner, huh?
443
00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:26,413
Just stuff I did not even,
I didn't even...
444
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,016
...know.
445
00:17:30,584 --> 00:17:32,486
Sorry.
446
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:35,322
Where was I? Um...
447
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:38,025
I was hemorrhaging profusely,
uh, about to die.
448
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:40,160
-You good?
Yeah.
449
00:17:40,194 --> 00:17:42,062
-Yeah, I think so.
-Well, that's good.
450
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:44,198
-'Cause I haven't done it yet.
-Oh, dude.
451
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:46,066
Other people's blood
I'm fine with.
452
00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:48,168
But the sight of my own?
No, thank you.
453
00:17:48,202 --> 00:17:49,436
You know, when I think
about fainting, I faint.
454
00:17:51,605 --> 00:17:53,707
It's really hard
to break the skin.
455
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,576
-Um...
-I'm running out of time here, buddy.
456
00:17:55,609 --> 00:17:57,711
Here. Why don't you slice me up
with this box cutter?
457
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,313
Are you sure?
It's gonna hurt.
458
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:01,648
-I'm a vampire.
I think I can handle it. -Okay.
459
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:06,153
-Did you do it?
-Yeah, I did.
460
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:07,187
-But don't look because--
-Don't look at what?
461
00:18:07,221 --> 00:18:08,188
-Oh, shit.
-No, Derek.
462
00:18:08,222 --> 00:18:09,523
No.
463
00:18:15,429 --> 00:18:18,465
The deed is done.
The die is cast.
464
00:18:18,499 --> 00:18:20,300
There's no turning--
465
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:33,347
Derek. Toilet again.
466
00:18:34,715 --> 00:18:36,183
Oh...
467
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:37,718
Okay, sorry, dude,
I got to go take care of this.
468
00:18:37,751 --> 00:18:40,287
Oh, shit. Dude?
469
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,689
-Dude?
470
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,695
So, yeah.
471
00:18:50,731 --> 00:18:51,999
That's where we're at.
472
00:18:57,070 --> 00:18:58,205
It seems to be
473
00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,740
a process.
474
00:18:59,773 --> 00:19:03,443
I thought the transformation
would be faster,
475
00:19:03,477 --> 00:19:05,579
but I haven't drank blood.
476
00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:07,214
I can still eat human foods.
477
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,984
In fact, my appetite
for very rare meat is ravenous.
478
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:16,623
My teeth are
totally normal and...
479
00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:18,692
I don't feel any sexier.
480
00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,961
I can still go out into the sun.
481
00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:26,033
I can't fly or turn into a bat.
482
00:19:26,066 --> 00:19:27,034
Yet.
483
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,569
Bat!
484
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:30,070
Human form.
485
00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:31,438
I thought the transformation
486
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:34,741
would be overnight,
but it's been 16 days.
487
00:19:34,775 --> 00:19:36,577
Which is why I've been
keeping it a secret.
488
00:19:38,078 --> 00:19:39,546
I was kind of holding off
for that big
489
00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:41,615
"wow factor" for the reveal,
but at this point,
490
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,450
I don't even think
I should tell them because--
491
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:45,586
Mr. de la Corz?
-Uh, so sorry about that.
492
00:19:45,619 --> 00:19:46,587
De la Cruz? That's me.
493
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,188
-De la Cruz.
-Hi.
494
00:19:48,222 --> 00:19:49,590
How long have you been
wearing glasses
495
00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:50,624
with this prescription?
496
00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:52,426
Oh, since I was three or four?
497
00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:53,994
I-I don't know
who screwed up here,
498
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:57,130
but you actually
don't need glasses at all.
499
00:19:57,164 --> 00:19:58,532
According to the eye exam
you just did,
500
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,667
you have 20/20 vision.
501
00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:02,402
It's actually better than
20/20 vision.
502
00:20:02,436 --> 00:20:03,704
-Whoa.
-Yeah.
503
00:20:03,737 --> 00:20:06,039
Well, that is...
504
00:20:06,073 --> 00:20:09,009
a super power.
505
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:11,445
-Wow, that's... Wow.
-So, right now, you're wearing
506
00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:13,714
a very strong prescription
for no reason.
507
00:20:13,747 --> 00:20:15,048
-Let's stop doing that.
-Let's stop doing that.
508
00:20:15,082 --> 00:20:16,216
-Yeah.
-Yeah, okay.
509
00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:18,452
Would it be possible
to just get a pair
510
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:20,153
without a prescription?
511
00:20:20,187 --> 00:20:21,355
Just, I don't want
people to think
512
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:24,291
I look... different.
513
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:27,027
Uh, yeah. Sure.
You want the same frames or...
514
00:20:32,199 --> 00:20:34,168
Did you enjoy your birthday?
515
00:20:34,201 --> 00:20:36,069
It was all right, Master.
516
00:20:36,103 --> 00:20:37,304
I guess I wasn't really
that hungry.
517
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,439
And that is okay.
518
00:20:39,473 --> 00:20:40,741
Do the other side.
519
00:20:40,774 --> 00:20:43,343
-Master?
-Mm-hmm?
520
00:20:43,377 --> 00:20:45,579
If I accidentally
521
00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:48,015
got made into a vampire...
522
00:20:48,048 --> 00:20:49,049
-Mm-hmm?
-by somebody else,
523
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:50,584
you wouldn't really...
524
00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:52,152
kill me, would you?
525
00:20:53,487 --> 00:20:55,155
Accidentally, you say?
526
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:59,993
-Yes.
-Not intentionally?
527
00:21:00,761 --> 00:21:04,398
No, I guess... not.
528
00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:07,668
I'd still have to kill you.
What choice would I have?
529
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:11,171
What about "vampire shall not
kill other vampire"?
530
00:21:11,205 --> 00:21:13,207
Guillermo, I don't like
531
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,475
hypothetical brain-ticklers
before bedtime.
532
00:21:15,509 --> 00:21:17,177
-You know this.
-Right.
533
00:21:17,211 --> 00:21:19,179
Makes my head heat up.
534
00:21:19,213 --> 00:21:24,084
How's about
a nice bedtime story?
535
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:27,321
Okay. I did see
this very interesting movie
536
00:21:27,354 --> 00:21:28,722
the other night.
537
00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:31,658
-Oh, tell me.
-It was about this guy.
538
00:21:31,692 --> 00:21:34,161
-And he got turned
into a vampire.
539
00:21:34,194 --> 00:21:35,696
-Really?
-Yeah.
540
00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:37,331
But then he realizes that maybe
541
00:21:37,364 --> 00:21:40,701
he wasn't ready
to be turned into a vampire.
542
00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:41,702
Why not?
543
00:21:43,370 --> 00:21:45,038
He had his reasons.
But then
544
00:21:45,072 --> 00:21:46,673
he tries to find a way to
545
00:21:46,707 --> 00:21:48,675
stop the process of becoming
a vampire and rever--
546
00:21:48,709 --> 00:21:50,043
Guillermo, please.
547
00:21:50,077 --> 00:21:52,579
I don't like
science-fiction stories
548
00:21:52,613 --> 00:21:54,581
before bedtime either.
549
00:21:54,615 --> 00:21:57,551
-Yeah.
-That reminds me.
550
00:21:57,584 --> 00:21:59,720
I got you a birthday present.
551
00:21:59,753 --> 00:22:02,289
I heard you when you said
you wanted a footlocker.
552
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:04,158
So I got you
553
00:22:04,191 --> 00:22:06,693
a footlocker.
554
00:22:06,727 --> 00:22:08,729
Thank you, Master.
-Yes.
555
00:22:08,762 --> 00:22:11,732
You are welcome.
Close the lid.
556
00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:25,045
Being a vampire is
557
00:22:25,078 --> 00:22:26,346
no different
than being a human.
558
00:22:26,380 --> 00:22:29,550
We're all just doing
what it takes to survive.
559
00:22:33,086 --> 00:22:35,689
We go on about our day.
560
00:22:35,722 --> 00:22:36,723
Blend in.
561
00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:40,527
Act like everyone else.
562
00:22:43,297 --> 00:22:45,566
But the truth is
563
00:22:45,599 --> 00:22:47,534
we're all just hiding
in plain sight.
564
00:22:49,736 --> 00:22:54,041
♪ Secrets in the moonlight ♪
565
00:22:54,074 --> 00:22:57,744
♪ Whispers in the dark
with you ♪
566
00:22:57,778 --> 00:23:01,014
♪ Secrets in the moonlight ♪
567
00:23:02,249 --> 00:23:06,086
♪ Silent fire kiss or two ♪
568
00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:09,590
♪ When there are moonbeams ♪
569
00:23:09,623 --> 00:23:14,561
♪ Dancing on your cheek ♪
570
00:23:14,595 --> 00:23:18,065
♪ My darling, every dream ♪
571
00:23:18,098 --> 00:23:19,666
♪ I've ever had ♪
572
00:23:19,700 --> 00:23:23,303
♪ Comes true ♪
573
00:23:23,337 --> 00:23:28,075
♪ When I share secrets
in the moonlight ♪
574
00:23:28,108 --> 00:23:43,423
♪ With you. ♪
575
00:23:43,473 --> 00:23:48,023
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