All language subtitles for The Cannonball Run 2

For one thousand centuries...

the Falafel family has ruled
the deserts with one thing:

Speed.

We have the fastest camels
and the fastest horses.

Now, due to...

you know what...

we have the fastest planes...

the fastest boats and
the fastest cars.

Except for one: yours.

Last year I sent you to
America for one simple task.

So simple.

To emblazon the Falafel name
as the fastest in the world

by winning the Cannonball Run.

And you... failed.

- A thousand thanks.
- But Lion of the deserts...

King of Kings...

Pop.

No excuses, you son
of my ugliest wife.

A thousand thanks.

How come you have a
blond, blue-eyed slave?

He's an actor. Hasn't had
a series in seven years.

Nine.

- Two thousand thanks.
- I know I didn't win, Pop.

I was sick. My ulcer...

I order you back to America...

to win the Cannonball Run.

I give you one last
chance, because...

you are my only son with
a driver's licence.

But Pop, there is no
Cannonball Run this year.

So?

- Buy one.
- Of course.

Couple of wise guys behind us.

Slow down. Let's see
how ballsy they are.

Wow. What a couple of
great-looking chicks.

- So much for boredom.
- Let's nail 'em.

- Wise broads.
- They can't outrun the radio.

Charlie, you got one
heading your way.

You'll see it in
about three minutes.

You're three minutes are up. Man,
a couple of great-looking chicks.

Road's straight as
an arrow. I can see

for five miles. Wonder
where they are?

Don't panic. Just
watch the side roads

for dust. No way
they can shake us.

You heard me? I think we lost 'em.

How can you lose a
white Lamborghini

with two chicks in the
middle of nowhere?

What is this? A quiz?
We lost 'em, okay?

Haha. I just found 'em, son.
This here's the end of the hunt.

Good luck, buddy.

Figure, they gotta
be between us. Just

pull out and block the damn road.

You got any other bright ideas?

I'm eastbound in pursuit
of a white Lamborghini.

This is not a recording.

Hey, thanks for the hose job.

If I tell you boys
something, you won't

think I've been drinking, will ya?

The white Lamborghini is
vanished, but there's

a red one behind me
honking its horn.

Correction. It's
passing me, and it's

got two great-looking
chicks in it.

You know Marcie, we've
got this routine down.

Yeah, I think we're ready
for the Cannonball.

Oh yeah, I think so. How
far is Redondo Beach?

- 150 miles.
- An hour flat.

What are we waiting for? Let's go.

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to
the fifth annual Madera air show.

The greatest, most
sensational gathering

of stunt pilots and
daredevils in the US.

Displays of flying and courage
like you've never seen before...

concluding with the most
death-defying stunt of them all:

The human Bomb. So grab
your kids, grab your hats.

The festivities
will begin shortly.

Are you sure this is
a good idea, J.J?

A good idea?

We're gonna get so rich.

- Rich?
- Rich.

We're gonna split everything 50/50

right down the middle.
We're partners.

Partners?

You bet. We're friends, aren't we?

Partners and friends.

And we're gonna be rich.

- Rich partners and friends.
- That's right.

- What if something goes wrong?
- What could go wrong?

We've got the ace dive bomber
pilot from World War II.

Dive bomber?

Oh yeah. He'll let you go
right out of the plane...

with this. And you'll go
right through that target.

- Target?
- Right through...

- and into a net, strong net...
- Net?

And if you go through
the net, then you'll

land in some hay. I
mean, so much hay

you could feed all
the cattle in Texas.

What am I worried about?

- Nothing. Are you crazy?
- I'm so glad you're laughing.

He can't miss. He can't miss. I
bless you. You will not miss.

J.J., I'm still scared.

- You're still scared?
- Yeah.

Well, if you're scared, you
could always have "him" do it.

"Him" doesn't come unless there's
grave danger to human life.

Right...

You oughta call "him".

Hello, this is Jack Smith.

We've brought our cameras
to record for our

30 million viewers a
vintage dive bomber,

flying on a simulated attack
run, drop a human bomb.

A man encased in steel,
risking life and limb,

hurtling to the ground
at 140 miles per hour.

Now, this is a man of
such great courage

that he's destined to
become a household name.

He'll be besieged for autographs,

his picture will be on magazine
covers all over the world.

Millions of adoring women
will be at his feet.

He's bound to become a
national celebrity.

Oh, shit...

- J.J. Long time no see.
- Nice to see you, Captain Chaos.

Listen, I'd like to take
your place in the bomb.

Have no fear. "Him" is here.

- It'd make me very happy.
- You want it?

- Yes.
- You got it.

Thank you.

- Suck in.
- Okay.

What a guy.

Give me a D, give me a
D, give me a D-E-U,

give me a T, give me a T, T-S-C-H.

Yea, Deutschland. Listen...

- You think you might like a beer?
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Deutschland, Deutschland...

I want outta here.

You asked for it.

Here he comes,
folks... Here he is...

One of the most dangerous stunts

we've ever had
performed in Madera.

On his final approach...
This has to

be perfect the first time around.

That's my partner. What a team.

The crash trucks are
on their way. We'll

have word on his
condition in a minute.

What a pilot. What a
pilot. Are you okay?

Oh my goodness, did you see
that? Wasn't that fantastic?

I'm so terrifically happy...

Oh, shut up and get me outta here.

Did you hear the crowd?
We were terrific.

Get me out.

I can just see us on People

magazine. We're
gonna be a big hit.

J.J., you seem a little shorter.

J.J., are you okay? You know
something? I figured it out.

Yeah?

If we do this ten times a day...

- Yeah?
- By the end of the year

we're gonna be billionaires.

What is that?

Oh don't worry about that.
It's the Cannonball Race.

It's on again. A million
dollars' the prize.

Don't worry. We're
gonna be billionaires.

What did I say?

You want me to do
this ten times a day?

Nine?

What a grouch.

I asked you to come here out
of respect for the family.

In the past, the Cannelloni family

was the richest and most powerful
family of all the families.

We controlled drugs,
prostitution, extortion,

prostitution, gambling...

You said "prostitution" twice.

Well, I like it. And now...

the Rigatonis, the
Tortellinis, the Fettucinis...

and even the Raviolis
are bigger than we are.

And why?

High interest rates?

- Acid rain?
- Japanese imports?

None of the above.

No... No... No.

You I'm not even gonna answer.

Gee boss, if I knew
there was gonna

be a test I would have studied.

When I passed on the
powers of the Don...

to my son Don,

making him Don Don,

I had high hopes for him.

And what has he done? He has
only brought us disgrace...

and shame.

Wait a minute...

This cat is dead.

Get me a new cat.

Oh God...

The cat could have
been a contender.

I should have
thought... Thank you.

It's a tabby. Very nice.

It's a boy.

Boys, go to Vegas. Lean on Don.

Don Don.

We're here to straighten
out your affairs.

What are your assets?

Well, I'm good-natured and I dress
well. And some people think...

- What about your liabilities?
- Well, there is...

one small liability.

What?

Well... I could use a tummy tuck.

A tummy tuck? A tummy tuck?

I'll kill him... I'll kill him.

- Calm yourself.
- I'll kill him.

Don Don, do you have any
outstanding markers?

- Look in the in-box.
- Look in the in-box.

30,000... It's not too
outstanding, but it's a start.

- Fenderbaum?
- Fenderbaum.

You better call Jim and
tell him where his car is.

Me? I called last
time. You call Jim.

- Well, hi there.
- Hi. Could I help you girls?

- This thing's stuck.
- Oh yeah. Yeah.

- Take a hike, Mike.
- Yeah, get lost.

What a jerk.

Okay. What are we gonna
do? Marcie, hey.

Hey, honey. Right here,
yeah. Come on here, baby.

Hi, sugar.

- You girls all right?
- Could be.

This is a beauty.
Doesn't sound stock.

It isn't. I took the six out
and shoe-horned in a 383 hemi.

- It's hot, baby.
- Hey, you got room for two more?

- I'm Marcie.
- Yeah, and I'm Jill.

- I'm George.
- Let's go, Georgie.

L.A. Tower to Japan cargo.
Report to hangar three.

Roger, Tower.

No luck. They want us in customs.

They'll impound your
car for two days.

That means, you're gonna miss the
race. What do you want to do?

- Okay, down.
- Okay.

Change of plans.
You're bailing out.

- Button up.
- Roger.

Battle stations.

Okay, make us invisible.

I know you're in there, Blake.
I can hear the ice cubes.

This is me, Fenderbaum.
So open up.

Blake, I know you're in there.

The Candy Man can.

Everybody loves
somebody, sometime...

When I make a dry Martini,
I make a dry Martini.

- There's somebody at the window.
- That's just the window cleaner.

Honey, who is it?

I don't know. There's
nobody there.

Blake.

Open up the window.

I'll be back in a
minute. Don't go away.

I'm gonna kill him.

- There's nothing out here.
- Blake. Down here.

I don't care what it is. Not now.

But I gotta talk to you now.

- You gotta?
- Yes.

Do you know that I'm eighteen

stories above the
ground? Eighteen.

- Eighteen?
- Yes, eighteen.

Eighteen?

You know you're the tallest
short guy I've ever seen?

Read this, will you? Just read
that. That's from the Sheik.

They're gonna start the Cannonball
again. And the sheik's putting up

$1 million to the
winner. And you know

who the winner will
be? $1 million.

Take it easy now.
No, don't come out.

- I'll come in.
- Blake?

Where are you going?

I gotta do it. It's
a million dollars.

You creep.

Where did you get the scaffold?

Huh? I thought this
was the elevator.

I see you got my telegram, Doctor.

Was that that yellow thing
with the printing on it?

Yes.

I got that, yes. I
read that. It's...

It was... What does it say?

It said I wish to
employ your services

to take care of my Royal ulcer
during the Cannonball Run.

Do you know much about ulcers?

Proctology's my speciality.

I'm very probably...

the world's most famous
expert on ulcers.

I should probably give you an

examination right
now. Open up there.

I sterilised it. Before
we go any further...

There's the matter of my fee.
We should discuss my fee...

It's... just about that amount.

Hey, wait a minute.
You gonna drink milk?

Yeah.

Aren't you afraid it's gonna
curdle when it hits your liver?

My liver died last year.

Can I help you?

Anybody around here
speak Oriental?

Sure. One sake coming up.

What he said was:
"Blackjack and water"

Now.

- You got it?
- Yes Sir. Coming right up.

We'll get a nice big
bottle of champagne,

and then we'll go up to my place.

Father, what are you saying?

Didn't you ever see Thorn Birds?

Hey pal, I'll never get
laid in this outfit.

From now on, I'm gonna wear
nothing but open collars.

- No man can live by bread alone.
- I can. I love bread.

You know, my favourite is a Parker
House roll. It just is so nice.

And then the Russian
rye. You know,

there's so many
raisins in it that...

- I'm not talking about that.
- Okay.

I'm talking about women.

- Women?
- Women.

I want a girl that's sensitive and

vulnerable. I really...
I need a girl.

- Yeah. Me too.
- You?

Sure. Hey J.J., I'm not
a eunuch, you know?

Of course you're not a eunuch.

Don't put yourself down like that.

You have a striking resemblance
to a eunuch, but you...

I'm just kidding. You want a girl?
You can have one of my girls.

I couldn't take one of your girls.

- Oh, you can.
- Well, maybe just one.

To clear up my complexion.

- So tomorrow...
- Tomorrow.

- We turn over a new leaf.
- A new leaf.

- Up and clean.
- Up and clean.

And tonight... down and dirty.

Hi J.J.

Hi. Are you guys doing
anything tonight?

Not now.

Let's go somewhere and talk
about customs and camshafts.

Coming, J.J.

Do we still owe Don Don $30,000?

- Did you pay him?
- No.

Well, then we still
owe him $30,000.

Well, one of his collection
men came to collect it.

Where?

He's at the front
door, but don't look.

I said don't look.

If he's at the front door,
we'll go out the back door,

since he can't be at two
places at one time, right?

- That's a good suggestion.
- Split city.

- We're gonna die.
- Aye.

What are they gonna do to us?

Don't know what they're
gonna do to you,

but since Mr. T. Ain't
here, I'm gonna

be too busy licking
their boots to see.

The money, or I'll blow you away.

I'll take the money.

Listen guys, why would a couple of

operators like us
be in Redondo Beach

with a bunch of
hayseeds in jumpsuits?

Okay, wise guys.

You tell us.

We're gonna race to Connecticut
and the one that wins

gets $1 million in cash.

Only a moron would back
up a race like that.

Fenderboom, Blake.

Good to see you. You should
be sleeping at this hour.

Remember, we leave
at noon tomorrow.

Wingtips? Barbarians.

Come, come. Buy yourselves
a decent clothing store.

- Infidels.
- That's the moron.

You know, these liars could
be telling the truth.

Hymie Kaplan, what a surprise.

Oh wow. You look wonderful.

What brings you to the Pinto
Ranch? Is it business or pleasure?

- May I have a chair?
- Oh, certainly.

Oh, it's business.

I just spoke to Dad,
isn't that funny?

Don. You don't mind if I
call you Don Don, do you?

No, no.

Oh good, Don Don. When
your father was having

a little trouble with
you in Brooklyn,

he called me and asked
me for a favour.

Could he send you
out here to Vegas

so that I could watch over
yours. So what do I do?

I give you a job working at the
casino. And what did you do?

You spend all your time
working on the chorus lines.

One line.

I slept with one
lousy chorus line.

Shut up.

The second favour I do for
yours: you come to me

and I lend you the
money to start this...

Hymie, the recession has hurt
every small businessman.

Oh yeah.

- What does he owe?
- As of 9:30,

the compounded 24% interest
weekly brings it to exactly

9 million, 332 thousand,
448 dollars and 55 cents.

Hymie, I'm doing the best I can.

What? I'll kill you.

That's what's so tragic. I'm
gonna do you another big favour.

I'll give you exactly until
tomorrow to pay everything off.

- Well, it's no problem because...
- Shut up.

Exactly 24 hours, Don Don.

I mean, Dumb Dumb.

I think I call you
Dumb Dumb from now on.

What do you think
about that, chaps?

- It's very funny, boss.
- It ain't funny.

Now, I'll tell you when
something is funny.

Tomorrow, Dumb Dumb.

Hymie, one question.

Oh my God.

What was the question?

It'll keep, Hymie.

Are you sure this
guy's your uncle?

Yeah, and I told you
he's your uncle too.

Listen, I told you, don't tell me,

don't explain it to
me again, please.

He's my mother's
brother, who moved

to California, and my mother

is your father's sister, and
you're my mother's brother's son.

Is that our uncle?

As... as they said,
he had... er...

er... a white limo. I ain't
seen him in 20 years.

He's from your side of the family.

Uncle Cal?

Howdy, boys. Cal's the
name and cars is my game.

Got some real sweetheart for
little down and 9.9% financing.

Uncle Cal, I'm your nephew...
er... Melvin from North Carolina.

You're my brother
and sister's boy?

And I'm your nephew
Tony from Brooklyn.

What pair are you out of?

Well, it don't matter. Guess you

boys are wandering
about my driver?

He sure looks a little... er...
little... er... little...

He's weird.

Yeah, I mean, is it easy to
get a licence in this town?

Oh, he ain't got no
licence. Come here.

I do all the driving
from here. He just

sits there and looks
like he's driving.

It's a publicity
gimmick. I got a slogan:

"If a monkey can
drive, so can you."

I love this boy. He's
part of our family.

Come on, son. Ain't he cute?

Hey look. Hey, Uncle Cal.
We got a real real problem.

Hey Uncle Cal, we ain't got any
money right now. We're flat broke.

Yeah, but we need
a car right away.

What are you boys doing out here?

Uncle Cal, we... er... we're Ca...

- We're Cannon...
- We are Cannonballers.

Stop it, boy. I told you not
to play with the phones.

Damn chimp costs me $300 a
month in wrong numbers.

Hey, stop it, you primate.
That's it. I've had it with you.

Excuse me, fellas. I've gotta
teach this old boy some manners.

Son.

Now you've stepped in it.

Boys, I got one
condition on the deal.

I'm gonna give you the
limo, but only if you

take this hairy
son-of-a-bitch with you.

If he's a choreographer,
I'm an aviator.

Really?

Same old slop. Let's
go to the coffee shop.

Alright.

- See you at the matinee?
- Yeah.

If I have to sing "Sound of music"
one more time, I'm gonna croak.

I'm so sick of the Crap
family, I'm gonna scream.

- Oh, it's so crowded.
- Why do we eat here at all?

Here Sisters, take this
table. We're finished.

Oh, thank you.

Very generous and
very sweet of you.

Bless you. Awfully nice of you.

I tell you, I'm sick of coffee
shops, I'm sick of the show.

- I'm sick of show business.
- Betty, look at it this way:

It's a stepping stone to Broadway.

I'm getting out while
I'm at the bottom.

Finito, Veronica. I wanna get
married, I wanna have a big house.

I just wanna find some nice,
sweet, bozo millionaire.

You know what I'm gonna do
with my half of the million?

- Tell me.
- Alright.

I'm gonna buy my mum a
great, big, brand new house.

And I'm gonna buy my
nephew a pony. And I

will get the kid a shovel,
because ponies...

I tell you something.

J.J., what are you
gonna do with yours?

My money's gonna be gone,
before I even get to the car.

Really?

Come on, let's go
introduce ourselves.

Are you crazy?

- Oh my God.
- For Jesus Christ.

Excuse us gentlemen,
but we have just

spilled coffee all over the table.

Would you mind, if
we sat with you?

Sit with us?

- You wanna join us?
- Oh no, don't get up.

- Sure.
- Boy-nun, boy-nun.

- Boy-nun, boy-nun?
- Thank you, Sir.

J.J., they're gonna join us.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

- I'm Sister Veronica.
- And I'm Sister Betty.

How do you do?

I'm J.J. McClure and
this is Victor Prinze.

- We're partners.
- Are you boys married?

No, just partners.

- Partners? Well, sweet.
- Sister Betty?

That's correct. But
we're not partners,

we're sisters. Not real sisters.

We're just in the
same order together.

So what do you gentlemen
do for a living?

We race across the
country. For money.

Oh, and we're gonna have a
race today to the East Coast.

Are you racing to Broadway?

Connecticut. What order
did you say you're from?

Oh, actually it's just
a... a bunch of girls.

Bunch of girls?

We're affiliated together
in the Order of...

- Immaculate...
- Chastity.

The Order of Immaculate Chastity.

The Order of Immaculate Chastity.
I read the Bible all the time.

In fact, I read the Bible that was
printed on the head of a pin.

That was hard. But I
never heard of the...

Well, you have to read
the New Testament.

That... It's not even
in the New Testament.

It's the New...

- New Wave.
- Aha.

New... New Test... very
progressive Testament.

We'll try to catch it.

We have holy work to do. Let's go.

Okay. Well, maybe some other time.

At what time did you
say your race is?

- Noon.
- At the Portofino Inn, Sister.

- Goodbye, Sister Veronica.
- Come, Sister Betty.

Nice meeting you, Sister.

- Thank you.
- Bye bye.

Come on, hurry Sister Betty, we
have lots of lepers waiting.

- Don Don?
- What is this now?

Everything is fine.

What we did is, we put
our heads together

and we're gonna rip off the Arab
on the road during the car race.

You put your heads
together, huh? It

must have sounded
like a bowling alley.

Yes, Don Don.

We need millions of dollars
by... what time is it now?

Oh my God. By tomorrow.

If we can get the sheikh,
we got the money.

He wants us to rip off the
Arab and then kidnap him.

What for?

What for? Ransom,
you idiots. Ransom.

R-A-N-S-U-M. Ransom.

Understand, you imbeciles?

You got it. Please calm yourself.

- Tell this to Hymie.
- Okay, have a nice day.

J.J., is that legal? Both
of them? At the same time?

J.J., you're bad.
Hi Jill, Hi Marcie.

Cute car.

Imagine the stories J.J.'s
making up about last night.

He's driving poor Victor crazy.

Yeah. Poor Victor's
buying every word of it.

Well, what he doesn't
know ain't gonna hurt us.

Never has.

- Let's check out our competition.
- Alright.

Well, you look great. You
really do. You look real sexy.

Sexy?

- You look...
- And I look like a turd.

- No, you don't.
- J.J., what am I supposed to be?

You're a career army man.

Forty years in the army,
the backbone of the army.

- Alright.
- Alright.

Man.

- Wish I had a medal.
- You want a medal?

Well, I'd like to have a medal.

- Take one.
- Oh, no.

- Take one, you're my friend.
- I couldn't take

one of your medals.
I couldn't do it.

Take anyone you like. I love you.

Okay.

This is a nice one right here.

- That one.
- Thanks.

Oh, this is really swell.

The Congressional Medal of
Honour. Thank you very much.

That's really nice.

Oh boy... Oh, and it's so shiny.
I'm real glad. I love it.

- Oh, look, J.J.
- Ah.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

General? Are you a General?
General J.J. McClure.

Oh, you're a private.

- National Guard.
- Listen...

The Lord asks a favour and
we ask a favour of you.

We have an emergency
in New York and

it's very important
that we get there.

And we've lost our means
of transportation.

And our vows of poverty

prevent us from
travelling commercially.

Could we go along with you?

We only have 48 hours to get
there, you see. Otherwise...

the lepers might cause a panic.

The lepers?

Yes. We treated lepers on Molokai,

and now several
hundred of them have

made their way East
to the Big Apple.

We'd like to continue
treating them.

Oh...

Oh, sure Sister, this
is gonna be swell.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Just one minute.

- What?
- Come here.

What?

How could you tell
'em "The Big Apple"?

The lepers? Big Apple?

Well, The Big Apple
is New York, J.J.

I know that.

And I didn't even know
they had lepers there.

Listen to me. We can't
take nuns along.

- Oh please.
- No.

What, if we're driving along and I
see a pretty girl hitch-hiking?

She wants to get in
the car, a little

action? And we got nuns along?

- I'm good, but I'm not that good.
- Listen, if we take these nuns

I bet that God will
be our co-pilot.

Well...

- Why not?
- Oh, J.J.

- You can come along.
- Oh, bless you, my son.

Oh, J.J. You'll get
your reward in heaven.

I don't wanna wait that long.

Snappy bags, huh?

- It's purple for Lent.
- Ah. Good.

I should tell you
something. When we're gonna

be in the car, it'll
be kind of cramped.

- It'll be alright?
- Of course.

It'll be alright.

My Milly took a vow of chastity.
She had headaches all the time.

Well, well, well...

Look who we have here. General
Patton... and General Admission.

Heckle and Jeckle dressed as cops.

Gotta arrest their
minds for vagrancy.

- Any problems, officers?
- Are you kidding, Ladies?

I might as well tell you
something. We tried

it at the last race,
dressed like priests.

We didn't win. It didn't help
us and it ain't gonna help you.

Now, as a law enforcement
officer I exercise my rights

to take these two young ladies and
submit them to a very nice long

and thorough body search.

- Shame on you.
- Listen.

These are real nuns. This is not a

Halloween party. Have
a little respect.

I'm up to here with you.

You're sick.

Gather around, look this way.
Fenderboom, Blake, J.J., Victor...

Fellow Cannonballers,
give me your attention.

Allah came to me one
night and said:

"Falafel, be a sport."

"Spread the wealth before
Khomeini gets it all."

Please, please... The
important thing to know is

that I personally am donating the
purse of $1 million to the winner.

Remember the golden rule: He who
has the gold makes the rules.

I go first.

General, will this
trip be dangerous?

Oh, I don't think
dangerous, Sister.

Maybe exciting, but...

Hello everyone... Good
to see you again.

J.J., I shall endeavour
to get you the win.

Throw the little nuns in
the car and let's be off.

Does your friend have
an identity problem?

No problem and no time, Sister.

General, you should
be in the back.

Sister Betty, up front with me.

Boy-nun, boy-nun.

- Isn't he adorable?
- I heard that.

The jury's still out on that.

Here is to good luck.
May it all be mine.

I don't understand this, Tony.

For the last time: I hit the
back of the Arab's car,

push a button, presto. These
things clamp onto the bumper.

Then I step on the brakes.
We stop, get out of the car,

and snatch him... Now
do you understand?

Yeah...

- Attention: Smokey in pursuit.
- Oh, trouble.

- Well, do something high-tech.
- Smokey... gaining.

Afterburner... ready.

Boy, that's what I
call a high-tech.

- Here they come.
- Still seems complicated, Tony.

It's a piece of cake. I just speed
up and I get to his back bumper.

Here we go. Get ready. Easing up.

Now don't blow it.
Just hit the button.

Easing up. Easing up. Now. Now.

You're not holding the
wheel steady, Tony.

Hey, you wanna drive?

Hit it.

Nothing can separate
us now. Nothing.

Nothing.

Maybe it only works on
American cars, Tony?

Oh, how sweet.

Can I help you, ma'am?

Aren't we going above
the speed limit?

Yes, 110, Sister Betty.

- Oh, this is exciting.
- Are you blessing my leg?

Yeah.

Keep blessing, sister.

We just passed this police car.

That's alright. We
pass 'em all the time.

- Sarge, are we doing 80?
- Yeah, we sure are.

Did they just pass us like
we were standing still?

Let me tell you what to do, son.

Buckle up. You're
taking part in your

first high-speed
pursuit and capture.

It's following us. The
police car's following us.

Probably recognised me.

- What?
- I mean, it's not my life style.

- I don't...
- No, you're fine.

You're shaking. I'll
hold your hand.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

- Oh, they're so warm.
- J.J. is the warmest.

Sister Betty, he has
such warm skin.

He has such warm skin?

You should feel the
heater up here.

Noticed how I took
that last curve? High

and wide, straight
through the apex.

Pick up about 15 mph
more coming out.

- What are you writing?
- The accident report.

Damn.

- Tony, are you sure about this?
- Stop complaining.

Statistics proof flying
is safer than driving.

Is that right?

Sideward and rearward manoeuvring
is accomplished by...

oh, am I mad at you. You told
me you could fly this thing.

We almost got killed
three times already.

Will you shut up an
read the instructions?

Or we'll be killed
for the last time.

You're getting me crazy. This
thing can not fly by itself.

- We're levelling out.
- Alright, so we didn't crash.

Now, explain to me about the
magnet on the helicopter.

Why?

This scheme is too
complicated for me.

The alphabet is too
complicated for you.

It's simple: this magnet
is powerful enough

to pick a Brinks truck
right off the street.

Oh, a Brinks truck, huh?

Here's your sandwich,
Your Highness.

You'd better not, Your Royalship.

That salami will kick the
shit out of your ulcer.

- Wait, wait. There's the Rolls.
- Ha. Good.

This flying is a piece of cake.

Now that we found
'em, what do we do?

Are you kidding? I just
sneak up behind 'em.

They probably won't
even know I'm there.

Then, at the right second:
zappo. We snatch 'em.

Oh. Smart.

Why did I ever doubt you Tony? I'm
too dumb to question smart people.

This is true.

Tony, don't you think
you're too low?

That's a negative.

It looks a little low, Tony.

I can see it through
the window, okay?

A little bit to the left.

A little more to the left.

How did you get here?
The Tooth Fairy?

- I flew you here, shmuck.
- Now, down a little.

Hit the button on the magnet.

I love being a gangster.

We're on like glue.
Nothing, nothing

could separate us now. Nothing.

- Up, up and away.
- Up, up and away.

Listen.

Up, up and awaaay...

I don't know why it ain't working.

Could be the fan belt.

Maybe it don't work on
nothing but Brinks trucks.

Don't worry about it. I'll have
it all figured out in a second.

Tony, is your seat belt on?

Hep. Eating time. You feed
him, and... I'll drive.

No, no, no. It's your turn.
You feed him. Come on.

Here you go. Oh...

Son-of-a-bitch.
That son-of-a-bitch

is crazy. He's got
a mental case...

- Corporal.
- Yes, sir.

- You're driving well.
- Thank you, sir.

Sister Betty? You
know, I was raised a

Catholic and I'm
really interested.

Could you tell us more about the
Order of the Immaculate Charity?

- Chastity.
- Chastity.

He always get those
words mixed up.

Well... I think it's time
for us to get some sleep.

Oh sure. Good.

So if you just excuse us, we'd
like to have a little privacy.

Sure.

Go ahead, there's...
Just put that...

- Good night.
- Good night.

Hey, am I crazy? Or are those the
friendliest nuns you've ever seen?

- Isn't Sister Betty cute?
- I'd...

I'd like to jump her bones.

J.J., bite your tongue.

- Can't help it. I'm sorry.
- Aren't you ashamed?

I would.

Oh my goodness. Why
would you say such a...

- That's sacrilegious.
- These are human beings.

And I'd be very interested
to know how you make out.

Huh?

Because I been thinking about
getting into Sister Betty's pants.

Oh God, forgive me...

Morning officer.
Nice day, isn't it?

Get out of the road, fat boy,
before you get run over. Come on.

Okay.

- Good morning.
- Goddamn. A General.

Now, what seems to be
the problem, officer?

We have speed limits
in this here state.

- Even in a nuclear emergency?
- What emergency?

We can't talk about it, officer.

Let me see your driver's licence.

No.

I have radioactive breath.

What are you boys trying to pull?

There has been a nuclear meltdown.

We're taking some contaminated
material to Connecticut.

Why Connecticut?

They ran out.

Bullshit.

- Hey, uncle Hinky.
- Homer. My nephew.

- We'll wait for you, Homer.
- Thanks, Sir.

How you're doing, Homer?

Goddamn, I didn't know
you was coming home.

Private.

Yes sir, General.

What are you doing here, son?

Well, I had a 3-day
pass to come home.

It's the first one I
had in two years.

I'm gonna commandeer you

to drive this car to Connecticut.
Get in the car, son.

Yes, Sir.

Hold it. Ain't nobody going no
place till I phoned this here in.

Uncle Hinky, I gotta do
what he says. He got

more medals than all
at the base together.

It don't make no difference.
I phone it in anyway.

- Good morning, officer.
- Sweet Jesus.

- General, why are we stopping?
- I'm sorry, Sister.

I was just explaining to the
sheriff the purpose of my mission.

- You carry nuns with you?
- In case we don't...

- make it, you know?
- Oh, really?

There's a higher purpose involved,

officer. Only the Lord
knows what it is.

The safety of our nation depends
on the speed of our mission.

Wow. Praise the Lord.

Well, in that case
I'll give you a police

escort all the way
to the county line.

- Bless you.
- Sheriff...

I just want you to know something:
America needs your help.

There are two
communists disguised as

policemen chasing us
in a red Corvette.

- Commies.
- No shit?

No shit.

Now, don't go arguing
with me. I've

got it straight from the General.

There are two
communists dressed up

as policemen in a red Corvette...

trying to steal our
nuclear shit. Shoot 'em.

The fate of the country depends
on it, do you hear me?

Headquarters, this is units 2
and 5 eastbound on Highway 10.

We got those commies
in our sights.

Commies?

Now, I been called a
lot of things but

I ain't never been
called no commie.

I ain't even a Democrat.

You can inform the General
they're as good as caught.

The General... General?

J.J. That son-of-a-bitch.

Good, Blake. But not good enough.

This is 2 and 5 again. We're
now westbound on Highway 10.

This is the Captain. I want those
two foreigners brought in.

- Dead or alive.
- Don't you worry about it.

- You know what I'm gonna do?
- What?

I'm gonna turn this car around

and I am gonna block the
whole highway sideways.

And when they come they have
a choice: either to ditch it

or ram right straight into us.

Just ditch it or...
ram straight into us?

Yeah.

Get outta here with these bananas.
I don't want the bananas.

This is humiliating as hell...
er... sitting up here.

Well, it's no picnic being
back here. Wacked-out monkey.

Stop it. Well, keep your
hands off me, monkey.

- What are you doing up here?
- Man, it's safer.

- Well, who's driving?
- He is.

Would you boys like to stay for
dinner? I just made noodle soup.

Note, Blake. General Patton's car.

Is the blimp driving?

No. It's the General.

The General, huh? Ha.

Oh, I'm gonna make a
private out of him.

It's money in the bank.
A million bucks.

Oh, come on. It'll be a
weekend you'll never forget.

- All three of us?
- Yep.

It's gonna be a
weekend you can tell

your kids about...
if they're all boys.

Look, you guys thrashed
this gull-wing

out. I didn't even pay
for that one yet.

Listen, baby. We're
gonna be as gentle

with that car as we're
gonna be with you.

Real sound. Come on, what you say?

Okay.

- Alright.
- Okay.

The keys are in the
car, but hurry back.

My friends aren't
gonna believe this.

Know what? You just
bring them too.

Really?

Sure. And don't
forget your camera.

Really?

You got a full tank
of gas in here?

Please, be careful
with it. Please.

I'll be real gentle.

What do you want, Ching-Chong man?

Help? Gee, there's
only a dozen of 'em.

By the way, can you
split that for me?

Thank you.

I'll be there in a minute.

That was wonderful.
You're great. Can you

stay for dinner and
meet my parents?

That was so great.
What's your name?

Hey, we got a race to
finish. A million bucks.

He can stay for dinner, too.

Dammit. The race is
gonna be over, if

they don't get their
buns out here soon.

Golly. They changed their clothes.

- You think we've gone too far?
- Probably.

Let's go for it.

You know, General?
I bet this mission

is so secret you had 'em do this

so Russian spies
wouldn't recognise 'em.

We got a six-pack and some
chilli-dogs for the trip.

I got one for you and
one for... "him".

You've adapted to
civilian life very well.

Oh my God. Private...
Walk this way.

Nuns, huh?

- Get in the car.
- Yes, General.

Put that away. You
ain't gonna use it.

To your right, Highness.
To your right.

As soon as this cable
rips up the Rolls...

- you grab the money...
- I grab the money?

And I grab the sheikh or
what's left of 'em...

- and we head back to Vegas.
- Vegas?

Prince Falafel. Buy what?

Nimitz? What's a Nimitz?

The U.S.S. Nimitz, ah.

I want to buy it. I want
to land my 747s on it.

I don't care what
it costs. How much?

- Feeling better now, aren't you?
- I can't hear you. Talk louder.

I said, you're feeling
better now, aren't you?

Yes, a thousand thanks.

- No problem. Buy.
- Bye.

Tighten it up, they're coming.

- I tighten it.
- Tighter.

Come. Hurry. Here it comes.

Well yeah, you get
what you pay for.

Oh, dammit.

- What now?
- I don't know.

- Well, get out and start smiling.
- Yeah, right.

Don't blame me. I
didn't do nothing.

Me neither. I'm just
following orders.

We were turning about
8 grand when the

gages lit up like a
pinball machine.

Yeah, so we propped the hood
and there's oil leaking.

- Right here.
- Does it look bad?

Not from where I'm standing.

Oh, can you fix it then?

Honey, I got a tool
that'll fix anything.

Oh, yeah?

- Hey, sugar?
- Yeah?

What have you got under the hood?

Alright. That's a 454,
four on the floor.

- Full house, with a blower.
- Yeah?

She's a sweetheart, isn't she?

It sure is hot out here, ain't it?

Yeah, it really is.

Why don't you relax, sugar?
Everything's gonna be just fine.

I don't think my boss
wanted this to do 120 mph.

Well, it's doing it.

Come on, listen. Why don't
you just take me back and...

My... Just take me back to my

boss... Oh jeez,
am I gonna get it.

What the heck. It's
only a job. Let's go.

And it's gonna be a weekend
you'll never forget.

Attention... Smokie in pursuit.
Attention... Smokie in...

Battle stations.

- Afterburner.
- Roger.

Afterburner ready... 3, 2, 1...

Ignition.

- Turn it off.
- Turn it off.

Prepare to crash dive.

We just lost it.

- Look, beer cans.
- Underwear?

Now let's give 'em the oil slick.

Yes, man.

Oil slick... Sorry, fellas.

- We're just doing our job.
- Yes, sorry.

Attention... enemy astern.

Let's see what's
happening. Up the scope.

Okay.

Quiet, please.

Stand by for depth charge attack.

Come on. Catch one. Pay attention.

We've been coming
here for five years.

- Five years.
- Without a fish.

A big one's out there
for you, boys.

You're sure?

Darn right. I saw him
jump the other day. I

took a picture, while
it was in the air.

Picture weighed 13
and a half pounds.

I really don't like this guy.

Forward all engines.

Come on, just pay attention
to what you're doing.

All ahead full.

- Let him go.
- No.

We've caught ourselves
a Moby Dick.

God damn, we're going with him.

And you haven't seen
your family in 2 years?

No, but I'm not
complaining. Duty calls.

- General?
- What?

How long do you think
the national emergency

will require the services
of Private Lyle here, Sir?

I don't know.

He hasn't seen his
family in 2 years.

J.J., that is not
nice. Truly isn't.

A General's work is never done.

- Private.
- Yes, Sir.

I've checked the Geiger counter

and the radioactivity
seems to be dropping. I

don't think we need
your services any more.

- Yes, sir.
- Pull over.

Yes, sir.

Private Lyle, you've rendered a
great service to this country.

You make me proud
to be in the same

army with a man with
your character.

I'd like to present you with the
Congressional Medal of Honour.

This Congressional
Medal of Honour?

That Congressional
Medal of Honour.

- That's French.
- I know.

General, for the
last 20 years while

I was working in the motor pool

I always knew the Good
Lord's gonna give

me a chance to come
on a special mission

like this, to serve my country.

Bye, Lyle.

And that's all you
have to do, honey.

Boy, am I sick.

I ain't never gonna
fly with you again.

Will you shut up and
read the instructs

and tell me what it says
about landing this thing?

- It says: lower the flaps.
- Okay, then do it, quickly.

- Where are they?
- Under "F", you idiot.

Well, let's see. There's a "T"
for tabs. Is that any good?

- Fantastic. Pull it.
- Pull what?

- Anything, dummy.
- Okay, Tony.

To look sharp...

To feel sharp...

I like this song so much,
I bought the company.

I don't know why everybody
makes such a big

deal about flying.
It's a piece of cake.

This better work, Tony. I just

called Don Don, and
he's really mad.

Caesar, Caesar...

Simplicity is the hallmark
of genius. This cannot miss.

Yeah?

Relax, alright?

Damn ulcer's killing me.
You got anything for it?

Charlotte Russe. How delightful.

Not exactly the Maxim's, but
my compliments to the chef.

A thousand pardons.

I couldn't help
noticing. Obviously

you are a damsel in distress.

May I be of service
to you? I am the

great Prince Abdul-Ben Falafel,

master of all deserts,
Prince of princes,

and one of the world's biggest...

Yoyos.

How dare you put a gun to my head.

As I was saying, do
you come here often?

I wish you guys would
have seen us change

in the bathroom,
making this decision.

Know, what she wanted
to do? To put the

nun's habit on and the
shorts underneath.

And she thought you
wouldn't notice.

I will notice.

Well, I just didn't
want you to be upset

when you found out I wasn't a nun.

You're not?

- I'm not even a Catholic.
- Well, nobody's perfect.

- May I?
- Oh, I been waiting for this.

Sure hate to give the
chauffeur a ticket.

Yeah, it's always the jerk in back

- giving the orders.
- Yeah.

Pardon me, Sir, we're...

You know what that is, back there?

Damn right. It's a chimp.

Listen to me. See that
dark glass? Don't look.

You know who's behind
that glass filming us?

Allen Funt. We're
on "Candid Camera".

Come on, it's our chance. Come on.

Stand right here so they can
see you. Stand right here.

Pardon me, Sir. I'd like
to see your licence...

Oh God, I wonder what the penalty

is for assaulting
a police officer.

He's not gonna make
a monkey out of me.

You're okay? Don't make him mad.

I'm gonna say hello
to my mum. I just

wondered if I could say
hello to my mother?

This is working great. Let's go
sing. Come on, before they go.

By the light of the
silvery moon...

Let's get the hell outta here.

Hey, Mr. Funt. Aren't we
supposed to sign a release?

Oh, shut up.

Oh, listen. Look. Hold it. Look,
Cannonballers ahead of us.

Alright, what the hell happened?

Sir. I was eating my dessert when

suddenly I saw one
of the cat people.

- Beautiful body was...
- Now, we have a slight problem.

Two hoods. They parted with
the Sheik and the money.

How that happen?

She was hitch-hiking in a leopard
coat and as we approached

she flashed and we stopped.

He's right. Who else knew the
million was in the sheik's trunk?

I think you two guys have got
something to tell us, right?

Right.

J.J, let me explain to
you as briefly as I can.

Here's what happened.
We owed the guys in

Vegas a little chump
change. Nothing really.

So they sent down some
torpedoes to collect.

And you told 'em about the Sheik.

It was tell 'em or else.

Who were these guys?

The Cannelloni family
from Las Vegas.

Well, hell. Let's just
go get these guys.

We can't just go get these guys.

- Why?
- They hold up at the Pinto Ranch,

and that's guarded like Fort Knox.

Wait a minute. Maybe
"him" can get through.

Maybe "him" can get "himself"
killed and take you with "him".

"Him" is open for
other suggestions.

What's happening?
What's going on here?

Gaped at her naked
body glistening in the

hot sun and her sweet
sweat rolling down...

Hey, wait a minute.
We'll go to the King.

No, no. The sheik's
father hates him.

Hey, he's not the only king. We
have royalty in this country, too.

He'll see you guys.

Sit on this.

How did you enjoy the
Halloween party?

- What a guy he is.
- What a guy.

Alright. How much this time?

Frank, you know. It's
never for ourselves.

Not this time, Frank.

And who asked you to
sit down? Get up.

- Mr. Sinatra...
- You may call me Frank.

- I can call him Frank.
- Not yet.

I'll let you know
when you can. Not

exactly now, but
I'll let you know.

- What can I call you?
- Call me sir.

Call him Sir.

I got it. Sir... We
are Cannonballers.

- What?
- Cannonballers.

Oh, wait a minute...

I've been lonely as much as
you have, from time to time.

Come on.

That's a hot one,
Your Majesty. Sir.

You see, the Cannonball is a race
from California to Connecticut.

We have lots of fun.
But the Sheik...

- Sheik?
- Yes.

With the blue Rolls Royce.

Who is he? Did I ever sing for
him in London, you think?

We can't even pronounce his name.
You see, they kidnapped him

and they took $1 million
out of the trunk

of his car. That's
why we came to you.

Why come to me? Why don't
you go to the FBI?

Who taught the FBI?

Okay, alright. Who snatched him?

Oh, the Cannellonis.

I got an idea.

I got a trio that I use
in my act and this

bum's been trying to
steal it for months.

Dorothy, get me Don Don.

They must be terrific for Frank
to recommend them personally.

I guarantee you have never seen

anything like this
in your whole...

I'm not saying this, just
because I'm their agent.

You know, I just love auditioning
new talent. I get all excited.

Come on, what's the matter?

They are a little short on looks.

But didn't you notice the nice
unison? The way they dance?

They're fabulous.

Frank ain't no dummy.
I can't sing...

but even I can follow that act.

Thank you.

Girls, you're hired. You're
hired, girls. You're hired.

You all have life... lifetime
contracts here at the Pinto Ranch.

I'll just have to move some
place else... Now, girls.

Lovely. Go to your dressing rooms
and powder your noses... a lot.

Absolutely wonderful.
Frank certainly

knows his stuff. Just wonderful.

Bad news.

Oh, girls. How do you spell
Laverne? Is that one word or two?

- Two.
- Three.

Oh, Hymie, what a
pleasant surprise.

What a pleasant surprise...

Hey. I said I'd be here
in 24 hours. Therefore...

it ain't no surprise. And it ain't
gonna be pleasant either. May I?

Oh my God...

- What are these three bowwows?
- It's our new lounge act.

What do they do? Scare the
audience to death?...That's funny.

Mr. Hymie?

You girls ever hear of Nair?

- We're working on it.
- Huh?

Our doctor has us on hormones.

Well, I suggest you go
for a second opinion,

because I think he's
over-prescribing.

Hi, I'm Laverne.

Get me those hormones.

Alright, Dumb-Dumb.
Where's my nine large?

One million dollars, Hymie.
And the rest is in escrow

in a bank in downtown Las Vegas.

I'm gonna consider this
interest only, alright?

Now, you have the
principal by tomorrow,

or you'll be under
downtown Las Vegas.

- Girls... so long.
- Bye, Mr. Hymie.

Excuse me... You have
a Ladies' restroom?

Yes, it says "Cowgirls". It's
the second door on the left.

On the left.

Now, this is a lifetime
contract, as I said.

I presume they'll have
their own wardrobe?

- Tits up.
- Alright.

Mr. Hymie.

That Laverne comes
near me, waste her.

We were just wondering
if you could

give us a little
advice on our careers.

Oh, yeah. Get out
of show business.

Now.

We got the money.

Hide. Somebody's coming.

- Your purses.
- Oh, good. We got the money.

- Oh, let's go.
- No, no.

We gotta save the Sheik.

- Come on.
- Alright.

Hi, I was wondering
if you gentlemen will

be kind enough to help
me with my baggage?

Man, those three broads
got a case of the uglies.

Let the boss not
hear you say that.

It's torture, I tell you.
Torture. Please. Please.

Hey, it's got a lock on it.

- Break it down.
- Come on.

Ladies, at one, two, three.

More Ladies. My beauties,
you must wait your turn.

There is only so much
water in the fountain.

- Sheik, it's us.
- We're not girls.

How dare you?

It is out of the question. Allah
will only forgive so much.

Hey Abdul, put your slipper's
on. Let's get outta here.

I don't want to go.

I've tried everything, but...

- Get me out of this.
- This is something.

- Can I take this with me?
- Okay with me. Come, tickle.

I'm terribly sorry.

Now, listen to me. If these three
uglies get away with my million

Dumb-Dumb, then
your father's gonna

owe me a big favour. You know why?

No.

Because I'm gonna
kill you. And then...

he's gonna kill you. And
then he's gonna kill you.

And then he's gonna kill you.

Charmed. There's no
need to worry, Hymie.

You see, they cannot escape.
There's no way out of here.

You are totally secure.

However, I'm very shaky.

- Open.
- Oh, shit. You got the key?

- Maybe.
- You ungrateful putz.

Hold it.

The three little pigs.

Get me somebody to hide behind.

This is it, boys.
Remember the rules...

No rules.

You heard him.
Absolutely no rules.

I told you, there's
nothing to worry

about. There won't
be any witnesses.

No witnesses?

J.J., they're all around us. I...

- My money or your life.
- Money.

- He's got the money.
- Ha... He's got the money.

J.J.

Hey, did you see
that picture where

the bad guys get
their last request?

Yeah.

Well, some time on the late show.

It was really a good movie.

A last meal perhaps? You could
lay a little BBQ on us.

You know, something that you
would go over the coals with?

I'll have some quiche. And
a little chocolate mousse.

Er, Shish kebab...
No, no. Couscous.

Frigging chickasee?

Chicken fricasse...

- And you?
- I'd like a wine list.

Where I'm sending you, baby,
everything's on the menu.

We're saved.

Hey, reminds me of Brooklyn.

Hi there.

Surprise.

You too.

Any questions, boys?

- Do you mind a personal remark?
- No, of course not.

That is absolutely gorgeous.

Hey, one's getting away.

I got him.

I'll guard your back. Be
careful and watch out.

No problem. I'll be right back.

You're okay? Must be a
pretty tough guy up there.

Maybe I should take
care of this one.

He's all yours.

I think, he's over
his head this time.

Hey. You look like an athlete.

Wow, thank you. I was an athlete.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, I was...

Oh, then you can probably
handle yourself.

- You're in danger.
- I'll protect you, Sister.

Four, five, six, seven...

Next.

Oh, don't do that to me again.
This is just beautiful.

That's European, isn't it?

- But of course.
- Absolutely stunning.

That's enough. That's enough.

- A thousand thanks, Sisters.
- Bless you, my friend.

Over there. Yeah.

Come on, you brat. You pervert.

Hey, how do you like
this for a hose job?

Oh yeah? Salute.

- Hello, Chaos.
- Look J.J., a flower. Nice, huh?

See ya.

And I figured that
30,000 we owe you...

This will more than
take care of it.

May I buy you a drink?

- Yes.
- Cherie.

Cherie? I guess everyone...
They seem to be so busy.

That was fun, J.J.

- Get those guys.
- You got it.

Fly, baby. Fly.

Help is on the way.
Justice will triumph.

Sorry, bad guys. Carry on.

Raining like a son-of-a-bitch over
there. You need any help here?

Yes. Inject that.

Fine. Oh, the plague.
I've seen this before...

No, Jackie. J.J...
Cannonball... You got it.

- Friend or foe?
- Have a guess.

- It's a bird.
- It's a plane.

It's Hymie.

Would you hold this for me,
please? I would like to really...

get a good look at that ring
again. It's truly lovely.

Oh my God...

oh, look...

- J.J., it's a vision.
- No... No, it's us.

Oh, Sister Betty.

"Him" didn't know you
had that in you.

"Him" will.

We're here to help you win.

- Did you miss me?
- So much...

Oh thanks. A little
more than that?

I'm glad you missed me that much.

All these wonderful gals.

Fenderbaum.

Boy-nun, boy-boy, boy-nun.

Fenderbaum. What are you
doing with my partner?

- Partner?
- Partner?

Yes. I have bought
the Pinto Ranch.

Yes.

And why not? I have a
weakness for blondes...

and women without moustaches.

Before you do any hiring you tell

your partner about
your liabilities.

You know, you have
a very big mouth.

- My sheikh.
- My partner.

My Sheik, I will need just a
little operating capital.

How much?

- Nine million dollars?
- Nine million?

A drop in the well. I
will give you 18 million.

That way you will
have some petty cash.

Thank you, my sheikh.
Where are you going?

To win the race.

To share in my good fortune
with my fellow Cannonballers

I have decided to raise the prize
money to two million dollars.

- How many zeros is in that?
- I don't know.

- We'll split it three ways?
- Yeah.

Come, my sweethearts, we go.

Hey, Fenderbaum, Blake.
Come here a minute.

What is it, Frank? Can't
you see we're busy?

I know that. That's
why I want to get

a head start. See
you in Connecticut.

Oh, so sorry. You are average
player. Please try again later.

You gotta have to stop
this thing. I can't

examine you with all
this moving around.

I can't stop. I can't
stop. Just keep

me alive until we
reach Connecticut.

So much for Abdul...

It's money in the bank, I
tell you. A million bucks.

The whole of a million
bucks apiece.

That's Frank.

Where'd he learn to
drive like that?

I don't know, but don't
let him pass us.

- Floor it.
- It's floored.

Hi Frank, chicky-lover
baby. Hi there.

Remember me, Fenderbaum? Listen,

whoever gets to the
finish line first

we split it 50/50, okay?

70/30

How about 10%?

Forget it.

Forget it, guys. You're four
hours and 15 Martinis late.

Better go in the bar
and get gassed up,

because you're racing
back tomorrow...

at noon.

Park it. I'll see you in the bar.

Thanks. We'll leave tomorrow and
we'll be back in four days.

Then Atlantic City and a
weekend you'll never forget.

Once again you have brought
shame and disgrace to our tribe

by not winning the Cannonball Run.

But Pop, there was this
doctor in the car.

- He gave me a... It was kismet.
- I warn you.

Tomorrow's race is the last
Cannonball I am financing.

If you do not win, do not
bother to come home.

Pop, don't worry. I can't lose.

I have hired the winner
of this Cannonball

to be my co-driver
in the next one.

I'd like you to meet him. I have
told him so much about you, Pop.

Excuse me, Sir. I'd like
you to meet my Pop.

The Cannonball is a
race from California

to Connecticut. We
have lots of fun.

And then... The
Sheik... What they...

I can get this. Just a minute.
I can do it. Wait a minute.

- And...
- We'll start from the slap.

From the slap?

Sir. Er...

Just pick it up right
from the slap.

Sir.

Sorry, we get this
in a minute. It's

alright. We get it. Here we go.

Oh, Sir. The Cannonball is a race

from Connecticut to your ass.

Now, if your mother
could kiss like that...

We're just gonna place
it. Ready? Huh?

Is that what you want? You got it.

- Okay?
- I don't trust you.

No, you got it, I swear.
I'm just gonna place it.

Oh shit, if I wasn't
getting a lot of money...

- Don't get it from the ground.
- Where might I gonna get it from?

Get it from here. This is fresh.

- There'll be a mound here.
- I got fresh stuff here.

Nobody's ever peed on this.
I'm just gonna place it.

How animals live on this shit?

Listen, if we have these nuns
God will be our co-pilot.

I don't care. You listen
to me. Listen to me.

We're not taking those nuns along.

What is the matter with you?
I can't work like this.

She's winking at me.

- Hold there.
- She's to wave.

Alright.

I have no protection.
She is... Goddammit...

Pick it up.

- Lepers? New York?
- No: "Lepers? Big Apple?"

I order you...

J.J. Long time no see.

Captain Chaos, nice
to see you again.

Would you do it again?

- Yeah, certainly.
- Here we go.

Keep it rolling. Here we go.

- J.J.
- Captain Chaos.

Long time no see.

Good to see you again.

Good to see you.

Listen, I'd deem it a personal
pruverage... privilege,

if I can get in that
bomb and get my teeth

fixed. Turn around,
let's start again.

- J.J.
- Captain Chaos.

Long time no see.

Good to see you again.

I'd deem it a privilege you
let me ride in the bomb.

Did you understand
that at all? Just

turn around and let
me do it again.

Listen, isn't somebody
gonna say "Cut"?