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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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"What a loser.
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I hate ChaseDreams. He sucks.
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Loser. Loser.
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"ChaseDreams sucks. Asshole.
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Loser. Sucks."
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And that's just one comment.
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I'm so sorry.
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This is all my fault.
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I mean, it's not all my fault.
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It's just, everyone still
thinks I'm this bad man,
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- and I'm not.
- Yeah.
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You know, and it's giving me anxiety.
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Hold on.
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You have anxiety?
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Yeah, and it's making me depressed.
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What... wait.
17
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You have anxiety and depression?
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I mean, I guess so.
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Oh, my God.
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I have a client...
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Struggling with mental health.
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Chase, you beautiful boy.
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Do you know what this means?
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There's money in singing,
but if we can make you
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the face of mental health, my gosh...
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Shuli, no.
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This is disgusting.
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Why? He has anxiety. He said it himself.
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I thought you'd be on board with this.
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He could do a lot of good.
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Oh.
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Yeah?
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I mean, he does have anxiety,
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so it's not a lie.
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And having him talk about mental health
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could empower others.
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So I could do what I wanted all along:
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Good.
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I could finally do good...
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Girl, don't just do the thing I did.
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Okay, sorry. How does this help me?
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I just want to stop looking
bad and go back to being me.
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First things first,
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we'll set you up with a therapist...
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Okay.
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App.
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A therapist app.
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Hi.
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I'm pop singer ChaseDreams.
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I used to be bad and
want to punch my mom,
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but then I went to therapy,
and now, I'm all better,
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because therapy works,
53
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which is why I've
partnered with BetterHealth
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to give away $1 million
in free therapy to you.
55
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Because we all struggle
sometimes, including me,
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the new face of mental
health, ChaseDreams.
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And then we're gonna go
shopping on Main Street,
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and walk through that
little park with the ducks.
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Do you remember that park, Cary?
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- Uh...
- And then we're gonna go back
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to Lisa's and order dinner
from El Poncho Taqueria.
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Ooh, I can't wait.
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I think you might be
the first person ever
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to be excited to go to Ohio.
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Well, I am.
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Things have been so crazy here.
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I just want a simple weekend back home.
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Reconnect with the old me.
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Are you sure you don't wanna come?
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It is your high school reunion tonight.
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Yeah, no,
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I am absolutely not going to that.
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I just... I don't know.
I thought I was gonna be
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more successful by now.
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Like, if I'm gonna go,
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I need to make sure I fully win.
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Sorry. Aren't you so successful?
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What about "Night Nurse"
and "Emily Overruled"
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and the Disney movie?
And now "WindWeaver"?
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I mean that show's a hit, Cary.
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It's number one on
Netflix, after that show
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where the puppies run the errands.
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What else are you looking for?
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Yeah, I know it's a hit.
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But I still don't know if
they're gonna do more seasons,
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so it's not like I have job security,
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and even if they do, my
character doesn't talk.
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And it's just a dumb wizard show.
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It's not, like, important or...
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Oh, sorry, Cary. My copter's here.
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And I gotta get to my plane ASAP,
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because all the stores on
Main Street close at 3:15.
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Oh, this is my agent.
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She wants me to give her a call.
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Okay, well, have fun.
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Tell no one I said hi.
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Cary...
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- Cary!
- Hey, Mackenzie.
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Guess what. Or wait, can you hear me
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over the sound of the ocean?
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I'm back in the Hamptons.
102
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Again?
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Yes. Yeah, I can hear you.
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Great, because I have incredible news.
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Netflix just picked up
"WindWeaver" for three more seasons.
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Wait. What?
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Yeah. I mean, it makes sense.
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It's the biggest show Netflix has
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that doesn't involve
puppies running errands.
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Oh, and get this.
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They wanna make you a series regular.
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What?
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A series regular?
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Wait. Is this real?
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Like, how? Why?
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Well, you know how "WindWeaver"
is based on those books?
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Apparently, the fifth book
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is being published Friday,
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and in that book, it's
revealed that your character,
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the little serf elf with no lines,
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is actually the one who weaves the wind.
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What?
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Holy fucking shit.
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My... my character
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is the WindWeaver?
126
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It's my... I'm the WindWeaver?
127
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It's insane. Right?
128
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Apparently, the books
end up being all about
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how the least of us hold the most power,
130
00:04:12,258 --> 00:04:15,845
so your lowly, gay elf ends
up being the WindWeaver.
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00:04:15,970 --> 00:04:18,597
Oh, did I mention your
character's gay, too?
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- So it's also important?
- Yeah, and this will all be on "Deadline"
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- in, like, an hour.
- This is, comically, everything I ever wanted.
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I guess... I guess I
should go to my reunion.
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Shit. Okay, it starts in six hours.
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It's an eight-hour drive.
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I'm gonna have to race.
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Mackenzie, find me a
rental car upstate, stat.
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- That is not my job...
- Okay.
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00:04:37,951 --> 00:04:40,078
Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi.
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00:04:40,161 --> 00:04:43,540
I just wanna say thank
you so much for doing this.
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As you all know, Chase,
and by extension, me,
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are all about doing good now,
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and more specifically,
all about mental health,
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which is why I am so proud
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to be producing this telethon for "P!",
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which aims to raise $250 million
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for mental health awareness.
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00:05:03,184 --> 00:05:05,854
Clap for me.
150
00:05:05,979 --> 00:05:08,189
Anyway, note that we're
going live in a few,
151
00:05:08,273 --> 00:05:11,693
but I need this to go
well, so if you have a prob,
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00:05:11,776 --> 00:05:13,445
just let me or one of my co-EPs know.
153
00:05:13,528 --> 00:05:15,113
- Hi.
- But remember,
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this was my idea, not theirs.
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- Yep.
- Hmm.
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00:05:18,199 --> 00:05:20,827
Also, this is Effie, our COVID officer,
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here to make sure that you are all
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physically safe while working.
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And this is Jules, our
mental health officer,
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who is here to make sure
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that you are all emotionally safe.
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Okay, I think I have
all my bases covered.
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So let's go raise some insane money.
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Oh, please, don't say insane.
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Oh, sorry.
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Thank you, Jules.
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Welcome to "ChaseDreams
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"and BetterHealth present
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A Night of Undeniable Good,"
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an eight-hour event raising money
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for mental health awareness,
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featuring performances from singers
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who get anxious sometimes,
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like Lady Gaga, Ben Platt,
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and the cast of "Hamilton," still.
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Plus a teen mental health town hall
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led by Dr. Gregory Neal,
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and a powerful speech
from Parkland survivor
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00:06:06,915 --> 00:06:09,375
insert name of Parkland
survivor we can get.
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- Whoops.
- Now here's your host,
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ChaseDreams.
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Hello. Good evening.
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Thank you for joining me.
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As you know, mental health is something
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I've cared deeply about for five weeks.
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Hi. Um, sorry.
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You know the therapist
doing the town hall?
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- Mm-hmm.
- Apparently,
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he's been sexually harassing the crew.
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00:06:26,267 --> 00:06:28,645
Wait. What?
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Aw, Lisa, it's so nice to be back.
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Everything is just as I remembered.
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00:06:33,191 --> 00:06:34,943
And don't you just love these jackets?
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00:06:35,068 --> 00:06:36,820
Jenny's Jeans really
does have the best stuff.
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I know. I love all the buttons
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and the studs, and only $9.
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00:06:40,657 --> 00:06:42,075
I mean, you really don't need to spend
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more than $9 on a jacket.
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00:06:43,701 --> 00:06:45,203
- There's no reason.
- Nope.
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00:06:45,286 --> 00:06:48,665
Aw, and this pond is
just as I remember, too.
201
00:06:48,790 --> 00:06:50,416
And I bet these are even the same ducks.
202
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,378
Do you want to feed them?
203
00:06:53,461 --> 00:06:55,130
We could get bread at Benny's Bread.
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00:06:55,255 --> 00:06:57,297
It's right on Main Street,
next to Jenny's Jeans.
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00:06:57,424 --> 00:06:59,384
Aw, I'd love to. You
know, it's really too bad
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00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:00,510
that Cary decided not to come.
207
00:07:00,635 --> 00:07:02,178
Okay, if I keep going 90,
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I should be able to make it
for at least the last hour.
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00:07:08,393 --> 00:07:10,645
Aw. Aw. Oh, my God.
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00:07:10,728 --> 00:07:11,813
Oh, my God. Thank you.
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00:07:11,896 --> 00:07:13,148
Thank you. That's so nice.
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00:07:13,273 --> 00:07:14,649
Yeah, I was already planning on coming,
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and then the news came out.
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And the news came out.
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00:07:17,026 --> 00:07:18,528
So... Oh, my God. Thank you.
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00:07:18,653 --> 00:07:20,530
Aw, that's so nice. Thank you so much.
217
00:07:20,655 --> 00:07:21,739
Yes. Thank you.
218
00:07:21,823 --> 00:07:22,824
Thank you. Thank you.
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00:07:22,949 --> 00:07:24,159
Thank you so much.
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00:07:25,243 --> 00:07:26,494
Out you go.
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00:07:26,578 --> 00:07:27,871
I was already planning on coming.
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00:07:27,996 --> 00:07:28,997
Stop. ... the news came out.
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Planning on coming anyway.
224
00:07:30,540 --> 00:07:31,540
So nice. Thank you so much.
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00:07:31,583 --> 00:07:33,501
My God!
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Whoa. I did?
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00:07:35,503 --> 00:07:37,088
I don't even remember that.
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00:07:39,799 --> 00:07:41,551
- What the heck?
- Hi, um...
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00:07:41,676 --> 00:07:45,513
You've been throwing piss on
me for, like, the last hour.
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00:07:45,638 --> 00:07:46,848
Oh, wait.
231
00:07:46,973 --> 00:07:48,224
Are you the WindWeaver?
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00:07:48,349 --> 00:07:49,559
Oh, yeah.
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00:07:49,684 --> 00:07:51,144
I am, yeah. Thank you.
234
00:07:51,227 --> 00:07:53,646
And let me guess: now you're racing home
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00:07:53,730 --> 00:07:55,857
to win your reunion.
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00:07:55,982 --> 00:07:57,192
How'd you know that?
237
00:07:57,275 --> 00:07:58,693
'Cause I just found out I'm gonna be
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00:07:58,818 --> 00:08:00,403
Kamala Harris's new chief of staff,
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00:08:00,528 --> 00:08:01,780
so I'm racing home to win mine.
240
00:08:01,863 --> 00:08:03,198
- Oh.
- And here.
241
00:08:03,323 --> 00:08:04,783
I recommend a diaper
242
00:08:04,866 --> 00:08:06,367
so you can make it in time,
243
00:08:06,451 --> 00:08:08,620
but still show respect
for other gays on the road
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00:08:08,703 --> 00:08:10,163
racing home to their reunions.
245
00:08:10,246 --> 00:08:12,624
Oh, is it more than just the two of...
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00:08:12,707 --> 00:08:14,793
oh, yeah, there's one in front of me.
247
00:08:14,876 --> 00:08:16,878
Uh, okay, so obviously,
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00:08:16,961 --> 00:08:19,994
I can't have a sexual predator
on my "Night of Undeniable Good."
249
00:08:19,995 --> 00:08:22,175
- No, of course not.
- But I also can't lose my mental health therapist
250
00:08:22,258 --> 00:08:24,552
'cause he's here to do the good.
251
00:08:24,636 --> 00:08:25,804
- Yeah.
- Right.
252
00:08:25,887 --> 00:08:28,056
Was he grabbing girl or guy butts?
253
00:08:28,181 --> 00:08:30,642
'Cause if it's guys, I mean...
254
00:08:30,725 --> 00:08:34,729
No, I don't know what you mean.
255
00:08:34,812 --> 00:08:37,648
You know, I think Melanie and
Streeter and I have got this.
256
00:08:37,732 --> 00:08:38,983
But thanks for letting us know, girl.
257
00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:40,567
- Love you.
- Thank you so much.
258
00:08:40,652 --> 00:08:42,487
Yeah, love you. Love you.
259
00:08:42,570 --> 00:08:43,696
Okay. How about we just ask
260
00:08:43,780 --> 00:08:44,864
these women not to say anything?
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00:08:44,948 --> 00:08:47,242
You know, just stay silen...
262
00:08:47,367 --> 00:08:50,078
Well, not stay silent.
That's not what I'm saying.
263
00:08:50,161 --> 00:08:52,610
It's just, you know, maybe these
women were flirting with him.
264
00:08:52,611 --> 00:08:54,958
Maybe they were asking for... eh...
265
00:08:55,083 --> 00:08:57,127
Not asking for... oh, my God.
266
00:08:57,252 --> 00:08:58,920
Everything people say
that gets them in trouble,
267
00:08:59,003 --> 00:09:00,880
I'm actually saying. It's crazy.
268
00:09:00,964 --> 00:09:02,257
Your brain really does go there.
269
00:09:02,382 --> 00:09:03,675
Please, don't say crazy.
270
00:09:03,758 --> 00:09:04,759
Jesus. Yes.
271
00:09:04,884 --> 00:09:05,927
- Thank you, Jules.
- Wait.
272
00:09:06,010 --> 00:09:07,011
I know a Bravo therapist
273
00:09:07,095 --> 00:09:08,555
who might be able to fill in.
274
00:09:08,638 --> 00:09:10,014
But a heads-up: most of his advice
275
00:09:10,098 --> 00:09:11,307
to the teens in crisis will be
276
00:09:11,433 --> 00:09:12,725
to just let Bethenny be Bethenny.
277
00:09:12,809 --> 00:09:14,060
Fine. Whatever.
278
00:09:14,144 --> 00:09:15,728
If he's a therapist, then call him.
279
00:09:15,812 --> 00:09:17,939
Because the good move
is to fire the predator,
280
00:09:18,022 --> 00:09:20,191
so that is what I am doing.
281
00:09:20,275 --> 00:09:24,070
Now I am off to watch
more of my goodness.
282
00:09:24,154 --> 00:09:27,615
Thank you, John Krasinski, for
that beautiful poem while flexing.
283
00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:28,950
When we come back, a message
284
00:09:29,033 --> 00:09:30,660
from a Parkland survivor.
285
00:09:30,785 --> 00:09:32,120
And before that, three performances
286
00:09:32,245 --> 00:09:34,038
from John Legend that will make you say,
287
00:09:34,122 --> 00:09:37,041
"Huh, I think he just
doesn't like to be home."
288
00:09:37,125 --> 00:09:38,293
Okay.
289
00:09:38,376 --> 00:09:40,128
Hi, um, more bad news.
290
00:09:40,211 --> 00:09:43,630
Apparently, the Parkland
survivor has COVID.
291
00:09:43,715 --> 00:09:46,301
Oh, my God.
292
00:09:46,384 --> 00:09:47,510
Okay. Okay.
293
00:09:47,635 --> 00:09:49,471
Okay.
294
00:09:52,390 --> 00:09:54,350
♪ The gays are racing home tonight ♪
295
00:09:54,476 --> 00:09:55,977
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
296
00:09:56,060 --> 00:09:58,605
♪ Our reunions we will crush tonight ♪
297
00:09:58,688 --> 00:10:00,231
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
298
00:10:00,315 --> 00:10:02,275
♪ No one will be more
successful than we ♪
299
00:10:02,358 --> 00:10:04,486
♪ Or understand Kamala better than he ♪
300
00:10:04,569 --> 00:10:08,782
♪ Because we are gay and
coming to win the night ♪
301
00:10:08,865 --> 00:10:10,784
Oh, look, a third gay.
302
00:10:10,867 --> 00:10:12,619
♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪
303
00:10:12,702 --> 00:10:14,329
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
304
00:10:14,412 --> 00:10:16,706
♪ And at Google, I'm the new VP ♪
305
00:10:16,831 --> 00:10:18,333
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
306
00:10:18,416 --> 00:10:20,502
♪ And now I am sitting in my own pee ♪
307
00:10:20,627 --> 00:10:22,545
♪ So all of my past can compliment me ♪
308
00:10:22,670 --> 00:10:26,174
♪ 'Cause we four gays are
coming to win the night ♪
309
00:10:26,299 --> 00:10:28,593
No, but really.
310
00:10:28,676 --> 00:10:32,013
♪ Think of what they'll
say when they see me ♪
311
00:10:32,138 --> 00:10:34,099
- ♪ See me ♪
- ♪ All my classmates ♪
312
00:10:34,182 --> 00:10:36,184
♪ With their sad little lives ♪
313
00:10:36,309 --> 00:10:38,478
- ♪ Sad little lives ♪
- ♪ Think of what they'll say ♪
314
00:10:38,561 --> 00:10:40,814
♪ How they'll swoon and scream ♪
315
00:10:40,897 --> 00:10:45,110
♪ When the WindWeaver arrives ♪
316
00:10:45,193 --> 00:10:47,112
- Holy shit, Cary Dubek?
- Oh, my God.
317
00:10:47,195 --> 00:10:48,696
Everyone, stop what you're doing.
318
00:10:48,780 --> 00:10:50,031
Cary Dubek's here.
319
00:10:50,156 --> 00:10:53,326
This is literally like if
Brad Pitt came to his reunion.
320
00:10:53,409 --> 00:10:55,370
♪ Us gays have not been back in years ♪
321
00:10:55,495 --> 00:10:57,038
♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪
322
00:10:57,122 --> 00:10:59,165
♪ 'Cause high school for
us was full of tears ♪
323
00:10:59,249 --> 00:11:01,042
♪ So sad, oh, well ♪
324
00:11:01,126 --> 00:11:03,211
♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
325
00:11:03,336 --> 00:11:04,671
♪ And look at our résumés ♪
326
00:11:04,754 --> 00:11:05,754
♪ Holy shit, wow ♪
327
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:07,132
♪ The gays are coming ♪
328
00:11:07,215 --> 00:11:09,175
♪ The gays are coming ♪
329
00:11:09,259 --> 00:11:13,638
♪ The gays are coming ♪
330
00:11:13,721 --> 00:11:15,849
♪ Home to win the night ♪
331
00:11:20,895 --> 00:11:22,147
It makes it look, like, super clean
332
00:11:22,230 --> 00:11:23,857
or something like that. Oh, my God.
333
00:11:23,940 --> 00:11:26,109
This is gorgeous, Lisa.
334
00:11:26,234 --> 00:11:29,028
Yep. Finally, have my dream kitchen.
335
00:11:29,112 --> 00:11:30,363
Oh, I'm so jealous.
336
00:11:30,447 --> 00:11:32,240
I wish my kitchen was bee themed.
337
00:11:32,323 --> 00:11:34,075
And I saved money on a designer
338
00:11:34,159 --> 00:11:36,286
by buying this little
stencil kit at Kathy's Crafts
339
00:11:36,411 --> 00:11:38,204
on the other side of Jenny's Jeans,
340
00:11:38,288 --> 00:11:40,290
and just stenciling the bees on myself.
341
00:11:40,415 --> 00:11:43,668
I love that you have bees flying
around on every single cupboard.
342
00:11:43,751 --> 00:11:46,129
I actually did bees flying
around the whole house.
343
00:11:46,254 --> 00:11:48,255
I mean, why not? I had the stencil.
344
00:11:48,339 --> 00:11:49,591
I'm gonna take a picture.
345
00:11:49,716 --> 00:11:51,426
- This is so cozy.
- Thanks.
346
00:11:51,551 --> 00:11:52,552
And aw.
347
00:11:52,635 --> 00:11:53,720
I used to have that sign.
348
00:11:53,803 --> 00:11:55,054
Don't you love it?
349
00:11:55,138 --> 00:11:56,598
Meg got me that for Mother's Day.
350
00:11:56,723 --> 00:11:58,183
She and Mark know to
only ever get me something
351
00:11:58,266 --> 00:12:00,143
with a bee on it now, or else.
352
00:12:00,268 --> 00:12:01,686
And how are Meg and Mark?
353
00:12:01,770 --> 00:12:04,272
The same. That reminds me. How's Brooke?
354
00:12:04,355 --> 00:12:06,191
- What's she up to now?
- Oh...
355
00:12:06,274 --> 00:12:08,526
Are you sure he can't stay
for seven more minutes?
356
00:12:08,610 --> 00:12:10,403
You know, he's on right after the break.
357
00:12:10,487 --> 00:12:11,613
Sorry. Protocol.
358
00:12:11,696 --> 00:12:12,696
Yes, totally.
359
00:12:12,781 --> 00:12:14,407
Safety is so key.
360
00:12:14,491 --> 00:12:15,491
Fuck.
361
00:12:15,575 --> 00:12:16,618
I can't lose my therapist
362
00:12:16,743 --> 00:12:18,328
and my Parkland teen.
363
00:12:18,453 --> 00:12:19,996
Do you know how humiliating it will be
364
00:12:20,121 --> 00:12:22,040
to have an eight-hour
mental health telethon
365
00:12:22,123 --> 00:12:24,334
without one Parkland kid in it?
366
00:12:24,459 --> 00:12:25,794
Ooh, I know.
367
00:12:25,877 --> 00:12:26,920
What if we chloroform her?
368
00:12:27,003 --> 00:12:28,338
Oh, my God, Streeter, no.
369
00:12:28,463 --> 00:12:29,798
We can't chloroform the COVID lady
370
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:31,466
on my "Night of Undeniable Good."
371
00:12:31,549 --> 00:12:32,634
Fine.
372
00:12:32,717 --> 00:12:33,802
This way. This way.
373
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:35,136
- What?
- Hmm?
374
00:12:35,261 --> 00:12:36,304
- Where are we going?
- I have an idea.
375
00:12:36,387 --> 00:12:37,931
I saw a broom closet upstairs.
376
00:12:38,014 --> 00:12:40,266
What if we just...
lock her in it for ten?
377
00:12:40,350 --> 00:12:41,893
Are you out of your mind?
378
00:12:41,976 --> 00:12:43,645
That feels just as bad
as chloroforming her.
379
00:12:43,770 --> 00:12:45,146
No, it's no big deal.
380
00:12:45,271 --> 00:12:46,481
We just lead her in
381
00:12:46,564 --> 00:12:47,816
and let the door shut behind her.
382
00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:49,484
And then we say, "Oh, no.
383
00:12:49,609 --> 00:12:50,819
We thought this was him.
384
00:12:50,902 --> 00:12:52,487
Our bad. We'll go get help."
385
00:12:52,570 --> 00:12:55,782
And then we just let her
out right after he speaks.
386
00:12:55,865 --> 00:12:57,158
No harm, no foul.
387
00:12:57,283 --> 00:12:59,077
Sorry. Excuse me.
388
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,411
His dressing room's up here?
389
00:13:00,495 --> 00:13:01,495
I think so.
390
00:13:01,496 --> 00:13:02,496
Almost there.
391
00:13:02,497 --> 00:13:03,998
You cannot lock a full woman
392
00:13:04,082 --> 00:13:05,917
in a broom closet on our night of good.
393
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,710
We'd still be doing net good.
394
00:13:07,836 --> 00:13:09,921
It's one woman in a closet
for half of "Seinfeld"
395
00:13:10,004 --> 00:13:13,383
so millions of teens can hear
this Parkland kid's message.
396
00:13:13,508 --> 00:13:15,135
I mean, his speech is beautiful.
397
00:13:15,218 --> 00:13:17,011
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
398
00:13:17,137 --> 00:13:18,513
Breakdown to the stage.
399
00:13:18,638 --> 00:13:21,266
Okay, fine. But just ten minutes.
400
00:13:21,349 --> 00:13:23,643
Okay, hands in. We're
doing good on three.
401
00:13:23,726 --> 00:13:24,853
One, two, three.
402
00:13:24,936 --> 00:13:26,020
We are doing good.
403
00:13:26,104 --> 00:13:27,605
Okay.
404
00:13:27,689 --> 00:13:31,693
♪ ♪
405
00:13:31,776 --> 00:13:33,361
Let's do this.
406
00:13:33,486 --> 00:13:39,486
♪ ♪
407
00:13:56,968 --> 00:13:57,968
I feel so stupid.
408
00:13:57,969 --> 00:13:59,053
No one here is gonna...
409
00:13:59,137 --> 00:14:00,137
Holy shit.
410
00:14:00,138 --> 00:14:01,138
Cary Dubek.
411
00:14:01,222 --> 00:14:02,557
Oh, my God.
412
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,893
Everyone, stop what you're doing.
413
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,936
Cary Dubek is here.
414
00:14:07,061 --> 00:14:08,061
Whoa!
415
00:14:08,062 --> 00:14:10,273
This is like if Brad
Pitt came to his reunion.
416
00:14:10,398 --> 00:14:12,567
Wait. This is literally the song.
417
00:14:12,650 --> 00:14:14,444
Oh, my God. I can't believe you came.
418
00:14:14,569 --> 00:14:16,362
- Cary Dubes, dude.
- Yeah.
419
00:14:16,446 --> 00:14:18,156
Wait a minute. What's going on?
420
00:14:18,239 --> 00:14:19,741
It kind of smells like piss over here.
421
00:14:19,824 --> 00:14:22,368
Oh, that's for sure me.
422
00:14:22,452 --> 00:14:24,954
I'm literally covered in piss 24/7.
423
00:14:25,079 --> 00:14:26,247
It's the joy of having a one-year-old.
424
00:14:26,331 --> 00:14:28,124
Oh.
425
00:14:28,249 --> 00:14:30,293
Wow. Cary Dubek, hi.
426
00:14:30,418 --> 00:14:32,086
Sorry. Can I get a pic?
427
00:14:32,212 --> 00:14:33,713
My wife and I love "WindWeaver,"
428
00:14:33,797 --> 00:14:35,632
and now you're the full star?
429
00:14:35,757 --> 00:14:36,758
Thank you.
430
00:14:36,841 --> 00:14:37,926
That's so nice.
431
00:14:38,009 --> 00:14:44,009
But, um, uh, ah, are, ew.
432
00:14:44,891 --> 00:14:46,518
Sorry. What's that, Cary?
433
00:14:46,601 --> 00:14:48,478
Uh, ow are you?
434
00:14:48,603 --> 00:14:51,106
Oh. I think he's asking how we are.
435
00:14:51,231 --> 00:14:52,524
Yeah. Sorry.
436
00:14:52,607 --> 00:14:54,651
Oh, no. We see each other 24/7.
437
00:14:54,776 --> 00:14:56,236
I'm sick of hearing about these people.
438
00:14:56,319 --> 00:14:58,780
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
439
00:14:58,863 --> 00:15:00,073
So wait.
440
00:15:00,156 --> 00:15:01,908
You just want me to talk about myself
441
00:15:01,991 --> 00:15:03,952
all night?
442
00:15:04,077 --> 00:15:05,703
Yes!
443
00:15:05,787 --> 00:15:08,748
I mean, if you insist.
444
00:15:11,876 --> 00:15:12,961
Thank you, John Legend.
445
00:15:13,044 --> 00:15:14,629
Another B-plus.
446
00:15:14,754 --> 00:15:17,173
And now, a quick announcement
for all you at home.
447
00:15:17,298 --> 00:15:19,551
Starting now, if you
tweet about the show
448
00:15:19,634 --> 00:15:22,095
using the hashtag
#ANightOfUndeniableGood,
449
00:15:22,178 --> 00:15:23,847
you will get one month of therapy
450
00:15:23,972 --> 00:15:25,181
courtesy of BetterHealth.
451
00:15:25,306 --> 00:15:26,683
So tell all your mentally ill friends
452
00:15:26,808 --> 00:15:28,810
to tune in and tweet,
and let's make this
453
00:15:28,935 --> 00:15:31,563
the most-watched telethon ever.
454
00:15:31,646 --> 00:15:33,773
Okay, we'll be right
back after the break
455
00:15:33,857 --> 00:15:36,609
with insert name of whatever
Parkland teen we get.
456
00:15:36,693 --> 00:15:38,445
Okay. Set's right this way.
457
00:15:38,528 --> 00:15:39,696
Follow us.
458
00:15:39,821 --> 00:15:41,406
I'm trying. You're
just going really fast.
459
00:15:41,489 --> 00:15:43,907
Well, we're just eager to get
you out there to tell your story.
460
00:15:43,908 --> 00:15:44,909
- Hello?
- Hey.
461
00:15:44,993 --> 00:15:46,119
Is COVID lady still in there?
462
00:15:46,202 --> 00:15:47,787
Mm-hmm. Help's on the way. Sorry.
463
00:15:47,871 --> 00:15:49,831
We really thought this
was his dressing room.
464
00:15:49,956 --> 00:15:52,332
- Okay.
- I feel so weird about this, Brooke.
465
00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:54,418
- Like, that Parkland kid does have COVID.
- No.
466
00:15:54,419 --> 00:15:55,837
Do not get cold feet now.
467
00:15:55,962 --> 00:15:58,548
Plus, who can he hurt
in the next minute?
468
00:15:58,630 --> 00:15:59,883
Hi. Sia?
469
00:16:00,008 --> 00:16:01,342
I'm such a huge fan.
470
00:16:01,426 --> 00:16:03,011
"Rolling In The Deep" is
one of my favorite songs.
471
00:16:03,094 --> 00:16:05,180
Fuck. He's giving Sia COVID.
472
00:16:05,263 --> 00:16:06,473
Hey. Hey, bud?
473
00:16:06,556 --> 00:16:07,682
Let's just keep it moving, okay?
474
00:16:07,807 --> 00:16:09,017
I'm sure Sia is very busy.
475
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:10,351
Can I maybe give you a hug?
476
00:16:10,435 --> 00:16:11,519
- No, no.
- No.
477
00:16:11,644 --> 00:16:12,854
You know what? It's fine.
478
00:16:12,979 --> 00:16:14,314
Everyone has to be vaccinated,
479
00:16:14,397 --> 00:16:15,815
so even if she does
get it, it'll be a cold.
480
00:16:15,899 --> 00:16:16,899
- She's young.
- Right.
481
00:16:16,983 --> 00:16:18,151
And is this your grandma?
482
00:16:18,234 --> 00:16:19,234
I have to give you a hug, too.
483
00:16:19,277 --> 00:16:20,277
Oh, my God.
484
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:21,321
We killed Sia's grandma.
485
00:16:21,404 --> 00:16:22,864
We killed Sia's grandma.
486
00:16:22,947 --> 00:16:24,324
Streeter, quit being psycho.
487
00:16:24,407 --> 00:16:25,784
Oh, please don't say psycho.
488
00:16:25,867 --> 00:16:28,411
God, can someone please
put a bell on them?
489
00:16:28,536 --> 00:16:29,913
Shit. He's on in 10 seconds.
490
00:16:30,038 --> 00:16:31,206
Uh... uh...
491
00:16:33,124 --> 00:16:34,209
Grandma, stay away from the boy.
492
00:16:34,334 --> 00:16:35,376
Step back, Grandma.
493
00:16:35,502 --> 00:16:36,961
- What? What?
- Up we go.
494
00:16:37,045 --> 00:16:38,421
No, no. Don't worry.
495
00:16:38,546 --> 00:16:40,048
We're all doing good.
We're doing good here.
496
00:16:40,130 --> 00:16:41,130
- This is good.
- Okay.
497
00:16:41,132 --> 00:16:42,383
Good coming through.
498
00:16:42,509 --> 00:16:43,559
- What he's doing is good.
- It's all good!
499
00:16:43,676 --> 00:16:45,220
And now, a moving message
500
00:16:45,345 --> 00:16:47,889
from Parkland survivor Cameron Kasky.
501
00:16:49,849 --> 00:16:51,142
Thank you, Chase.
502
00:16:51,226 --> 00:16:53,144
As many of you may know...
503
00:16:53,228 --> 00:16:54,604
Hi.
504
00:16:54,729 --> 00:16:57,732
We have a problem with Ben Platt.
505
00:16:57,857 --> 00:16:59,734
What the fuck?
506
00:16:59,859 --> 00:17:00,860
God.
507
00:17:00,944 --> 00:17:02,570
You are just so famous now.
508
00:17:02,654 --> 00:17:04,405
And it makes sense. I
remember in high school,
509
00:17:04,531 --> 00:17:07,074
you won "Most likely to
win an Academy Award."
510
00:17:07,199 --> 00:17:08,243
I did?
511
00:17:08,368 --> 00:17:09,577
I don't even remember that.
512
00:17:09,660 --> 00:17:11,579
God, I don't know what I won.
513
00:17:11,704 --> 00:17:13,957
Well, I got "most likely
to succeed," which is sad,
514
00:17:14,082 --> 00:17:15,250
'cause now I'm a dentist,
515
00:17:15,375 --> 00:17:16,583
which is nothing compared to Cary.
516
00:17:16,708 --> 00:17:19,629
Oh, being a dentist isn't nothing.
517
00:17:19,754 --> 00:17:21,923
Yes, it is. It's truly nothing.
518
00:17:23,882 --> 00:17:26,928
Seriously, I tell everyone
I was in "Grease" with you.
519
00:17:27,053 --> 00:17:28,429
Oh, that's sweet.
520
00:17:28,513 --> 00:17:30,598
- Are you still acting?
- Oh, no.
521
00:17:30,682 --> 00:17:32,267
I do marketing for a local theater now,
522
00:17:32,392 --> 00:17:34,269
which is nice, 'cause
the hours are flexible,
523
00:17:34,394 --> 00:17:35,728
but it's still creative.
524
00:17:35,812 --> 00:17:38,314
God, this must sound
so small time to you.
525
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:41,109
No. Please, you are not small time.
526
00:17:41,192 --> 00:17:42,735
Yes, she is. She is small, I am big.
527
00:17:42,819 --> 00:17:45,238
And, hey. I'm so happy you're out now.
528
00:17:45,321 --> 00:17:48,032
I had no idea you were
closeted in school.
529
00:17:48,116 --> 00:17:49,242
It must have been so hard.
530
00:17:49,325 --> 00:17:52,036
No, no. And now, I'm winning.
531
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,788
So let's go back to how I'm winning.
532
00:17:57,375 --> 00:17:58,626
- Hi.
- Hey.
533
00:17:58,710 --> 00:17:59,710
Wow.
534
00:17:59,711 --> 00:18:00,753
Hey, Owen?
535
00:18:00,837 --> 00:18:02,130
So cool you're here.
536
00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:03,339
Great to see you.
537
00:18:03,465 --> 00:18:04,966
Yeah. I wasn't gonna come,
538
00:18:05,091 --> 00:18:07,594
but I just got some insane news.
539
00:18:07,677 --> 00:18:09,804
- What?
- I'm gonna be...
540
00:18:09,929 --> 00:18:11,931
an understudy on Broadway.
541
00:18:12,015 --> 00:18:14,267
Wow. That's so cool.
542
00:18:14,350 --> 00:18:15,727
You should talk to Cary Dubek
543
00:18:15,810 --> 00:18:17,145
since you guys are, like,
in the same industry.
544
00:18:17,270 --> 00:18:18,980
Hey, yo, Dubes.
545
00:18:19,063 --> 00:18:20,940
Wait. You came? Fuck!
546
00:18:21,024 --> 00:18:22,817
I can't be the second
most successful gay
547
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:25,904
at this reunion. That's fucking nothing.
548
00:18:25,987 --> 00:18:28,448
No. Gosh.
549
00:18:28,531 --> 00:18:30,867
We're having a great time.
550
00:18:30,992 --> 00:18:32,160
Jesus.
551
00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:33,995
This is the best night of my life.
552
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:36,664
I may need to sing again.
553
00:18:36,748 --> 00:18:38,333
Shit. But we already announced
554
00:18:38,458 --> 00:18:41,628
their company's
$100-million donation on air.
555
00:18:41,711 --> 00:18:43,379
But that was before the
company CEO found out
556
00:18:43,505 --> 00:18:44,964
there was a gay person on the show.
557
00:18:45,048 --> 00:18:47,175
And he's crazy conservative, and he says
558
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,344
that if we let Ben Platt perform,
559
00:18:49,427 --> 00:18:51,179
he'll take their money back.
560
00:18:51,262 --> 00:18:52,639
- I'm so sorry.
- Well, thank you.
561
00:18:52,722 --> 00:18:54,390
- Where are you going?
- Fuck.
562
00:18:54,516 --> 00:18:55,725
Doing good is impossible.
563
00:18:55,850 --> 00:18:58,019
No wonder I didn't do it for 35 years.
564
00:18:58,103 --> 00:18:59,354
Okay, so what do we do?
565
00:18:59,437 --> 00:19:01,147
Let me just try and go talk to him.
566
00:19:01,231 --> 00:19:02,357
Right.
567
00:19:02,482 --> 00:19:04,442
I mean, listen, I hate gays too.
568
00:19:04,526 --> 00:19:06,111
Penises in butts?
569
00:19:06,194 --> 00:19:08,279
How and why, sir?
570
00:19:08,363 --> 00:19:09,864
They're the ones who are mentally ill.
571
00:19:09,948 --> 00:19:11,324
Am I right?
572
00:19:11,407 --> 00:19:13,701
It's just that Ben's
already here, you know,
573
00:19:13,785 --> 00:19:18,540
so let's just... let
him do his little song.
574
00:19:18,623 --> 00:19:21,709
Sorry. But I won't budge on this.
575
00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:23,336
I mean, can you believe it?
576
00:19:23,419 --> 00:19:25,588
He will take his money
back if you perform.
577
00:19:25,713 --> 00:19:28,550
- Jesus. That is so shitty.
- I know.
578
00:19:28,550 --> 00:19:32,762
So obviously, you...
579
00:19:32,887 --> 00:19:36,266
Are going out there, more determined
than ever to not be silenced.
580
00:19:37,559 --> 00:19:40,311
Yas, queen.
581
00:19:40,395 --> 00:19:42,689
Fucking gay people. Fuck.
582
00:19:42,772 --> 00:19:45,066
Okay, I know. What if we chloroform him?
583
00:19:45,191 --> 00:19:47,068
No. Let's just game this out.
584
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:48,903
- All right.
- We can't tell Ben to leave,
585
00:19:48,987 --> 00:19:50,405
- 'cause that would look bad.
- Yeah.
586
00:19:50,488 --> 00:19:51,948
Plus, mental health does affect
587
00:19:52,073 --> 00:19:53,450
the LGBTQ community,
588
00:19:53,575 --> 00:19:55,410
so it is good to have
a gay person on this.
589
00:19:55,535 --> 00:19:57,245
Representation is worth so much.
590
00:19:57,370 --> 00:19:58,913
But is it worth $100 million?
591
00:19:58,997 --> 00:20:01,666
- I don't know.
- Like, if it was 5 or 10...
592
00:20:01,749 --> 00:20:03,543
- Brooke, hey.
- Hi.
593
00:20:03,626 --> 00:20:05,628
I had an idea. What if we do a thing
594
00:20:05,753 --> 00:20:07,422
where, every time someone
buys my last album,
595
00:20:07,505 --> 00:20:08,798
they get a month of free therapy?
596
00:20:08,923 --> 00:20:10,884
What? Absolutely not. That's gross.
597
00:20:10,967 --> 00:20:13,136
But we just said if people
tweet about this show,
598
00:20:13,261 --> 00:20:14,637
they get a month of therapy.
What's the difference?
599
00:20:14,763 --> 00:20:18,600
Well, Bud, you'd be doing it to
help album sales, which is bad.
600
00:20:18,683 --> 00:20:20,977
But I'm doing it to
help promote this show
601
00:20:21,102 --> 00:20:23,980
that helps the whole
world, which is good.
602
00:20:24,105 --> 00:20:25,231
So...
603
00:20:25,315 --> 00:20:26,315
No, yeah.
604
00:20:26,357 --> 00:20:27,442
Yeah, right.
605
00:20:27,525 --> 00:20:29,736
Sorry for asking.
606
00:20:29,737 --> 00:20:30,779
Okay.
607
00:20:30,779 --> 00:20:32,322
I know what we're gonna do.
608
00:20:32,447 --> 00:20:33,490
We're gonna accidentally lock Ben Platt
609
00:20:33,615 --> 00:20:35,074
in the broom closet, too.
610
00:20:35,158 --> 00:20:36,534
Okay.
611
00:20:36,618 --> 00:20:38,328
Yeah, I mean, I've had
an agent for a while,
612
00:20:38,453 --> 00:20:40,538
but now I have a lawyer and a manager.
613
00:20:40,622 --> 00:20:42,540
That is so crazy.
614
00:20:42,624 --> 00:20:44,334
I have none of that.
615
00:20:44,459 --> 00:20:45,585
♪ It's happening ♪
616
00:20:45,668 --> 00:20:47,170
♪ Look how they fawn ♪
617
00:20:47,295 --> 00:20:49,464
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
618
00:20:49,589 --> 00:20:51,674
- Wow.
- Yeah, we shoot in Croatia,
619
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,385
but luckily, they have to fly me first.
620
00:20:54,469 --> 00:20:55,804
Lucky.
621
00:20:55,929 --> 00:20:57,472
We did a friend trip
to Hawaii last year,
622
00:20:57,555 --> 00:21:00,308
- and we were in the very last row of coach.
- Aw.
623
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:02,060
♪ It's happening ♪
624
00:21:02,143 --> 00:21:03,394
♪ I am their God ♪
625
00:21:03,478 --> 00:21:05,563
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
626
00:21:05,647 --> 00:21:08,149
Hey, would you mind
FaceTiming my brother-in-law?
627
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:09,901
He's a huge fan.
628
00:21:09,984 --> 00:21:11,694
My brother-in-law's also a fan.
629
00:21:11,820 --> 00:21:13,446
Girls, girls, there is plenty of me
630
00:21:13,530 --> 00:21:16,074
for every brother-in-law.
631
00:21:16,157 --> 00:21:18,118
♪ Their lives were empty before I came ♪
632
00:21:18,201 --> 00:21:21,454
♪ 'Cause they're just
people, but I have fame ♪
633
00:21:21,538 --> 00:21:23,623
- Aw.
- Already?
634
00:21:23,706 --> 00:21:25,333
But I guess I do need
to relieve the sitter.
635
00:21:25,416 --> 00:21:26,709
And what time is soccer tomorrow?
636
00:21:26,835 --> 00:21:28,169
- Drinks on Thursday, right?
- Love you.
637
00:21:28,253 --> 00:21:30,255
♪ They'll never forget this epic night ♪
638
00:21:30,338 --> 00:21:31,798
It was so great seeing you.
639
00:21:31,881 --> 00:21:34,551
♪ I hope when I leave,
they will be all right ♪
640
00:21:34,676 --> 00:21:36,344
I think we can all safely say,
641
00:21:36,428 --> 00:21:38,012
you won this reunion, bro.
642
00:21:38,138 --> 00:21:39,931
♪ Tonight was just how I hoped it'd be ♪
643
00:21:40,014 --> 00:21:42,183
♪ Add this to the list
of successes for me ♪
644
00:21:42,267 --> 00:21:44,185
♪ The gay has come home ♪
645
00:21:44,269 --> 00:21:46,187
♪ The gay has come home ♪
646
00:21:46,271 --> 00:21:50,608
♪ The gay has come home ♪
647
00:21:50,692 --> 00:21:56,692
♪ And won the night ♪
648
00:21:58,825 --> 00:21:59,868
Ha!
649
00:22:33,318 --> 00:22:35,779
Let's see.
650
00:22:38,615 --> 00:22:40,575
That's why we call
it wine o'clock Zumba.
651
00:22:40,658 --> 00:22:43,244
- Food's here from Pat's fave.
- Yum-yum!
652
00:22:43,328 --> 00:22:45,955
I have been dreaming
about El Pancho Taqueria.
653
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:49,584
That's 'cause nobody does
Mexican like Tony and Mike.
654
00:22:49,709 --> 00:22:52,420
Anyway, you have to come
back next summer, too,
655
00:22:52,504 --> 00:22:53,963
so you can pontoon.
656
00:22:54,088 --> 00:22:57,092
Oh, 100%. I will be on that pontoon.
657
00:22:57,217 --> 00:22:59,094
We thought it was gonna
be a hassle having one.
658
00:22:59,177 --> 00:23:00,845
You know, taking it out in the winter.
659
00:23:00,929 --> 00:23:03,598
But you just pay one fee,
and the marina does it all.
660
00:23:03,681 --> 00:23:05,433
- Love that.
- But if you do go, Pat,
661
00:23:05,517 --> 00:23:08,937
do not let Robin pull you on that tube.
662
00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:12,232
She nearly broke my
neck she went so fast.
663
00:23:12,315 --> 00:23:14,442
You just had one too many Kim Crawfords.
664
00:23:14,526 --> 00:23:16,027
Uh, it was the weekend.
665
00:23:16,111 --> 00:23:18,988
There's no such thing
as one too many Kim Cs.
666
00:23:19,072 --> 00:23:20,949
I'm on her side.
667
00:23:21,074 --> 00:23:23,701
And speaking of, I just wanna say,
668
00:23:23,785 --> 00:23:25,787
thank you so much for having me back.
669
00:23:25,870 --> 00:23:27,997
This has truly been the perfect day.
670
00:23:28,123 --> 00:23:29,666
Melanie, let the COVID lady out.
671
00:23:29,791 --> 00:23:31,292
We need the closet for Ben Platt.
672
00:23:31,376 --> 00:23:32,460
Wait. What?
673
00:23:32,585 --> 00:23:33,920
Okay.
674
00:23:34,003 --> 00:23:36,256
Hi, ma'am. I am so
sorry about the mix-up.
675
00:23:36,339 --> 00:23:38,466
We... wait. Where did she go?
676
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:40,558
Oh, my God.
677
00:23:40,683 --> 00:23:42,060
I think she escaped through the vents.
678
00:23:42,185 --> 00:23:44,521
What? There's a lady in the vents
679
00:23:44,604 --> 00:23:46,397
on my "Night of Undeniable Good"?
680
00:23:46,481 --> 00:23:48,233
It absolutely appears so.
681
00:23:48,316 --> 00:23:49,484
Ugh!
682
00:23:49,567 --> 00:23:50,860
So if we can't throw Ben in a closet,
683
00:23:50,944 --> 00:23:52,070
how else are we gonna distract him
684
00:23:52,153 --> 00:23:53,696
so he misses his performance?
685
00:23:53,780 --> 00:23:55,573
Well, I know you're gonna be mad, but...
686
00:23:55,657 --> 00:23:57,033
Streeter, no chloroform.
687
00:23:57,116 --> 00:23:58,116
Now think.
688
00:23:58,159 --> 00:24:00,370
How else can we distract a gay man?
689
00:24:00,453 --> 00:24:01,453
Oh, my God.
690
00:24:01,454 --> 00:24:03,748
Brooke, I'm a daddy.
691
00:24:07,961 --> 00:24:09,295
- Hey, twink.
- Excuse me?
692
00:24:09,420 --> 00:24:13,424
What do you say we blow off
this fundraiser and I go...
693
00:24:13,508 --> 00:24:16,469
step on your bones, or break your neck?
694
00:24:16,594 --> 00:24:17,845
Or is it legs?
695
00:24:17,929 --> 00:24:19,138
I'm going to... I'm going to...
696
00:24:19,264 --> 00:24:21,766
I will break any bone in your body
697
00:24:21,850 --> 00:24:23,643
that you want me to break.
698
00:24:25,061 --> 00:24:27,355
Well, Ben Platt filed a
sexual harassment complaint
699
00:24:27,438 --> 00:24:29,941
against you, so I guess I
have to fire you now, too?
700
00:24:30,066 --> 00:24:31,943
Okay, but this is great.
701
00:24:32,026 --> 00:24:34,404
This means he isn't gay,
or he would have loved that.
702
00:24:34,487 --> 00:24:36,573
- Oh, just go.
- Brooke!
703
00:24:36,656 --> 00:24:39,367
Sorry, but Ben's on in 15 minutes.
704
00:24:39,450 --> 00:24:40,618
Fuck.
705
00:24:40,743 --> 00:24:42,745
I can't lose $100 million.
706
00:24:42,829 --> 00:24:44,289
I know.
707
00:24:47,500 --> 00:24:50,587
Maybe Streeter was right?
708
00:24:50,670 --> 00:24:54,757
Maybe we do chloroform him?
709
00:24:57,010 --> 00:25:00,889
I actually saw some in the broom closet.
710
00:25:12,984 --> 00:25:14,819
Refinance today, and your new loan
711
00:25:14,944 --> 00:25:16,696
could save you hundreds of dollars.
712
00:25:16,821 --> 00:25:18,698
And get one of our certified
pre-owns at Akron Auto World,
713
00:25:18,823 --> 00:25:20,825
home of the most enormous
American flag you've
714
00:25:20,950 --> 00:25:22,702
ever seen in your Goddamn...
715
00:25:25,914 --> 00:25:28,291
Where is the turnoff?
716
00:26:11,876 --> 00:26:14,295
What the fuck? Did I
just miss the turnoff?
717
00:26:14,379 --> 00:26:16,965
And why does it smell
like full piss in here?
718
00:26:18,341 --> 00:26:19,968
- Okay, but like...
- Uh-huh.
719
00:26:20,051 --> 00:26:21,886
It's good that we're
chloroforming Ben Pratt,
720
00:26:21,970 --> 00:26:23,721
because this money can
help a lot of people.
721
00:26:23,847 --> 00:26:26,224
And he said he was
tired when he got here,
722
00:26:26,349 --> 00:26:28,434
so he'll just think he
slept through his song.
723
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:31,938
Plus, I already have the "Hamilton"
cast ready to go on instead.
724
00:26:32,063 --> 00:26:33,064
They're gonna sing "The
Room Where It Happens,"
725
00:26:33,064 --> 00:26:34,107
but in this version,
726
00:26:34,232 --> 00:26:35,733
the room is a therapist's office.
727
00:26:35,859 --> 00:26:36,860
Ew.
728
00:26:36,943 --> 00:26:39,153
Maybe it's worth $100
million to not hear that.
729
00:26:39,237 --> 00:26:41,114
Also, like, what if we kill Ben Platt?
730
00:26:41,239 --> 00:26:43,533
Oh, my God. We're not
gonna kill Ben Platt.
731
00:26:43,616 --> 00:26:45,076
Just focus.
732
00:26:45,994 --> 00:26:47,912
We are doing this for good.
733
00:26:49,205 --> 00:26:51,624
But if you ever say
anything about the good
734
00:26:51,708 --> 00:26:54,794
that we did here, I will end you.
735
00:26:54,919 --> 00:26:56,588
Okay, fine.
736
00:26:56,671 --> 00:26:57,922
Let's do this.
737
00:27:01,801 --> 00:27:03,595
Hi.
738
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:04,929
Hey. What's up?
739
00:27:05,054 --> 00:27:06,264
Do you think that...
740
00:27:06,389 --> 00:27:08,808
Just stay there, because...
741
00:27:08,933 --> 00:27:10,435
We just wanna...
742
00:27:13,104 --> 00:27:14,355
- Oh, my...
- Oh, my God!
743
00:27:14,439 --> 00:27:16,900
Jesus Christ. Are you okay?
744
00:27:16,983 --> 00:27:18,234
- Oh.
- Hey, girl,
745
00:27:18,318 --> 00:27:20,778
aw, we just sent the maintenance man up.
746
00:27:20,862 --> 00:27:21,988
Who the fuck is this?
747
00:27:22,113 --> 00:27:24,407
Oh, are you Ben Platt?
748
00:27:24,490 --> 00:27:26,451
Yes.
749
00:27:26,576 --> 00:27:28,912
Well, you have COVID and
need to leave immediately.
750
00:27:28,995 --> 00:27:30,705
- I... what?
- Wait, what?
751
00:27:30,788 --> 00:27:32,832
- Yeah.
- Yes!
752
00:27:32,957 --> 00:27:34,584
I mean, no.
753
00:27:34,667 --> 00:27:35,667
He does?
754
00:27:35,752 --> 00:27:37,045
Oh, so he can't perform?
755
00:27:37,128 --> 00:27:38,713
He can't perform, and it's his fault.
756
00:27:38,796 --> 00:27:40,340
Fuck. This sucks.
757
00:27:40,465 --> 00:27:42,300
I feel like I'm letting the
whole gay community down.
758
00:27:42,425 --> 00:27:43,676
You are.
759
00:27:43,801 --> 00:27:45,887
You are letting them down.
760
00:27:45,970 --> 00:27:49,474
Melanie, girl, we fucking did it.
761
00:27:49,557 --> 00:27:50,557
Fuck!
762
00:27:50,642 --> 00:27:51,976
Okay.
763
00:27:55,688 --> 00:27:57,273
Hi, can I use your bathroom, please?
764
00:27:57,357 --> 00:27:58,816
- It's out of order.
- That's okay.
765
00:27:58,900 --> 00:28:00,985
I just need the bathroom room.
766
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:04,989
Why do you need the bathroom room?
767
00:28:05,114 --> 00:28:06,491
'Cause I'm wearing a fucking diaper,
768
00:28:06,616 --> 00:28:07,867
and I need to take it off.
769
00:28:07,992 --> 00:28:09,285
Yep. I've been sitting in my own piss
770
00:28:09,369 --> 00:28:11,162
for the last six hours, so may I please
771
00:28:11,287 --> 00:28:12,830
just use your bathroom room
772
00:28:12,914 --> 00:28:15,124
so I can take off my diaper, kind sir?
773
00:28:17,168 --> 00:28:18,503
Sounds like you had
a pretty rough night.
774
00:28:18,586 --> 00:28:21,172
It's actually one of the
best nights of my entire life.
775
00:28:44,529 --> 00:28:45,905
Ugh.
776
00:28:47,365 --> 00:28:48,533
God.
777
00:29:04,216 --> 00:29:05,416
_
778
00:29:08,717 --> 00:29:11,100
_
779
00:29:11,101 --> 00:29:12,056
_
780
00:29:12,056 --> 00:29:14,392
What? Is there no service in here?
781
00:29:20,857 --> 00:29:22,525
Fuck.
782
00:29:29,324 --> 00:29:33,411
Come on.
783
00:29:33,536 --> 00:29:34,621
Fuck.
784
00:29:36,706 --> 00:29:38,708
What the fucking fuck?
785
00:29:40,376 --> 00:29:42,921
Well, this night sucked my ass.
786
00:29:43,046 --> 00:29:45,632
Yeah. That was 100% cuckoo bananas.
787
00:29:45,757 --> 00:29:48,259
Oh, yeah, please don't
say "cuckoo bananas."
788
00:29:48,343 --> 00:29:49,427
Just kidding. Have a great night.
789
00:29:49,510 --> 00:29:50,762
Okay.
790
00:29:50,845 --> 00:29:53,306
Oh! Watch where you're
going, you fucking psycho.
791
00:29:53,431 --> 00:29:54,766
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, but hey,
792
00:29:54,891 --> 00:29:56,100
this might cheer you up.
793
00:29:56,184 --> 00:29:57,602
Chase's album is number one on iTunes.
794
00:29:57,685 --> 00:29:58,728
Wait. What?
795
00:29:58,811 --> 00:30:00,188
- What do you mean?
- Yeah.
796
00:30:00,271 --> 00:30:01,606
He tweeted he'd give
a free month of therapy
797
00:30:01,689 --> 00:30:03,149
to anyone who bought his last album,
798
00:30:03,274 --> 00:30:04,567
and this whole country is sick,
799
00:30:04,651 --> 00:30:06,402
so it went straight to number one.
800
00:30:06,486 --> 00:30:08,071
Kind of smart. Well...
801
00:30:08,154 --> 00:30:09,489
Wait. No.
802
00:30:09,614 --> 00:30:11,574
I specifically told him not to do that,
803
00:30:11,658 --> 00:30:14,452
and he just did anyway? Fuck.
804
00:30:14,577 --> 00:30:17,205
The whole reason we
pivoted him to mental health
805
00:30:17,288 --> 00:30:19,749
was so that people wouldn't
think he was bad anymore.
806
00:30:19,832 --> 00:30:21,793
But then he does this shit thing?
807
00:30:21,918 --> 00:30:23,127
Ugh!
808
00:30:23,211 --> 00:30:26,839
Why is it so hard to do good?
809
00:30:26,965 --> 00:30:28,633
Okay, if you do think that,
810
00:30:28,758 --> 00:30:32,136
I wouldn't look behind you right now.
811
00:30:35,265 --> 00:30:38,726
♪ ♪
812
00:30:39,811 --> 00:30:43,398
What in the actual fuck?
813
00:30:48,778 --> 00:30:49,863
Hi.
814
00:30:49,988 --> 00:30:50,989
Can I use your bathroom, please?
815
00:30:51,114 --> 00:30:52,490
Another one?
816
00:30:52,615 --> 00:30:54,617
Right. Totally forgot.
817
00:30:54,701 --> 00:30:56,202
It's reunion season.
818
00:30:56,286 --> 00:30:59,205
There's actually another
diaper guy in there now, but...
819
00:30:59,330 --> 00:31:01,040
we should probably check on him.
820
00:31:01,833 --> 00:31:02,833
How are you doing?
821
00:31:02,876 --> 00:31:05,503
My own piss in my eyes.
822
00:31:05,628 --> 00:31:07,171
Oh, God.
823
00:31:08,798 --> 00:31:10,842
I can...
824
00:31:10,967 --> 00:31:12,385
I can take it from here.
825
00:31:15,180 --> 00:31:17,849
I don't know. I don't... I'm lost.
826
00:31:17,974 --> 00:31:21,186
I'm, like, fucking lost.
827
00:31:21,311 --> 00:31:23,354
Yeah, no. I'm lost too.
828
00:31:23,479 --> 00:31:26,191
No. I think I'm, like, lost lost.
829
00:31:26,316 --> 00:31:27,942
Like, I just had this great night,
830
00:31:28,026 --> 00:31:33,656
and immediately, I don't know,
left and just felt unhappy...
831
00:31:33,740 --> 00:31:35,408
or, like, not happy,
832
00:31:35,533 --> 00:31:37,118
and I don't know why.
833
00:31:37,202 --> 00:31:39,746
Like, I am the star of the
number-one show on Netflix
834
00:31:39,871 --> 00:31:41,289
without puppies shopping.
835
00:31:41,372 --> 00:31:44,959
So why do I feel like
I'm about to fucking cry?
836
00:31:45,043 --> 00:31:47,503
I feel lost lost, too,
837
00:31:47,587 --> 00:31:50,381
which is insane, 'cause I
have Kamala's phone number.
838
00:31:50,465 --> 00:31:53,676
Like, if I called her now, she'd answer.
839
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:56,387
It's just like I have
everything I ever wanted.
840
00:31:56,471 --> 00:31:58,223
So what am I missing?
841
00:31:58,306 --> 00:32:00,308
Like what else am I looking for?
842
00:32:03,728 --> 00:32:08,566
Oh, one of my classmates
is videoing me on Instagram.
843
00:32:08,650 --> 00:32:10,527
So weird.
844
00:32:10,610 --> 00:32:14,072
One of my classmates
is videoing me, too.
845
00:32:14,197 --> 00:32:15,406
- Hello?
- Hello.
846
00:32:15,490 --> 00:32:16,574
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
847
00:32:16,658 --> 00:32:17,742
He picked up. Shut up.
848
00:32:17,867 --> 00:32:18,867
Hi. It's Alicia.
849
00:32:18,868 --> 00:32:20,119
Sorry.
850
00:32:20,245 --> 00:32:21,412
I don't mean to be a full stalker...
851
00:32:21,496 --> 00:32:22,496
Yes, we do.
852
00:32:22,580 --> 00:32:23,580
We were just talking
853
00:32:23,581 --> 00:32:26,584
about how you won "most likely
to win an Academy Award."
854
00:32:26,709 --> 00:32:27,919
So we got out Jesse's yearbook,
855
00:32:28,002 --> 00:32:29,420
and guess what I won.
856
00:32:29,504 --> 00:32:30,755
- Wait for it.
- "Most likely to win
857
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:32,840
an Academy Award for Best Actress."
858
00:32:34,551 --> 00:32:36,511
So you should feel
really good about yourself
859
00:32:36,594 --> 00:32:38,513
because I'm a literal dog walker now.
860
00:32:38,596 --> 00:32:40,598
- Thank you.
- Wait.
861
00:32:40,723 --> 00:32:41,975
Cary, what are you doing now?
862
00:32:42,100 --> 00:32:43,100
Want to come hang?
863
00:32:43,101 --> 00:32:44,435
I mean, I'm sure, no,
864
00:32:44,561 --> 00:32:46,020
'cause you're fully famous
865
00:32:46,104 --> 00:32:47,480
and we're just, like,
watching "Survivor."
866
00:32:47,605 --> 00:32:48,773
Oh, I thought only gay people
867
00:32:48,857 --> 00:32:50,191
- watched "Survivor" now.
- What?
868
00:32:50,275 --> 00:32:51,693
I think everyone does.
869
00:32:51,776 --> 00:32:53,695
Anyway, it's just a cazh friend hang,
870
00:32:53,778 --> 00:32:55,738
- if you want to come.
- Yes, come!
871
00:32:55,822 --> 00:32:57,448
- Come on, Dubes.
- Max, Max, Max.
872
00:32:57,574 --> 00:32:59,450
You gotta come. It's a friend hang.
873
00:32:59,534 --> 00:33:00,577
Okay, no, let's let him go.
874
00:33:00,660 --> 00:33:01,786
But come if you want.
875
00:33:01,911 --> 00:33:03,371
I'll DM you the address.
876
00:33:03,454 --> 00:33:05,248
Okay. Great. Great.
877
00:33:05,331 --> 00:33:07,166
I appreciate it.
878
00:33:09,919 --> 00:33:13,756
God, it's so obvious
what I've been missing.
879
00:33:14,966 --> 00:33:16,968
It's so clear what I need.
880
00:33:18,511 --> 00:33:22,765
Hey, would you want to
get a drink as frien...
881
00:33:22,849 --> 00:33:24,017
wait, what?
882
00:33:24,142 --> 00:33:25,435
Mackenzie,
883
00:33:25,518 --> 00:33:27,520
I need to win the Academy Award
884
00:33:27,645 --> 00:33:29,939
for Best Actor in a Motion Picture.
885
00:33:35,528 --> 00:33:36,779
Good night, Pat.
886
00:33:36,863 --> 00:33:38,448
Good night, Lisa.
887
00:33:52,212 --> 00:33:54,881
Wazzup?
888
00:33:55,006 --> 00:33:56,466
I'm not here. Leave a message
889
00:33:56,549 --> 00:34:00,720
after the beep.
890
00:34:00,845 --> 00:34:03,932
Hey, I tried calling you,
but you didn't pick up.
891
00:34:04,015 --> 00:34:07,018
And I just wanted to let
you know about my day.
892
00:34:07,143 --> 00:34:09,062
My friend picked me up from the airport,
893
00:34:09,187 --> 00:34:10,855
and we went shopping
894
00:34:10,939 --> 00:34:14,943
and then got ice cream and
fed the ducks in the park,
895
00:34:15,026 --> 00:34:17,028
then went back to her
house and ordered dinner
896
00:34:17,111 --> 00:34:19,571
with some other friends.
897
00:34:19,696 --> 00:34:21,908
And the whole time, the whole day,
898
00:34:22,033 --> 00:34:24,202
I just kept thinking,
899
00:34:24,327 --> 00:34:27,038
"I am so fucking bored."
900
00:34:29,082 --> 00:34:33,336
I just... I was so excited
to come back, but I...
901
00:34:33,419 --> 00:34:36,839
I hated every minute of it.
902
00:34:36,923 --> 00:34:39,259
Everything we did, I
thought, "How much longer
903
00:34:39,384 --> 00:34:40,593
do I have to do this for?"
904
00:34:40,718 --> 00:34:42,261
All afternoon, if you want.
905
00:34:42,386 --> 00:34:45,598
We walked through town,
and I found it small.
906
00:34:45,723 --> 00:34:47,058
We bought clothes I used to wear,
907
00:34:47,183 --> 00:34:48,893
and I felt foolish in them.
908
00:34:49,018 --> 00:34:52,605
- Pat's fave.
- And everything we ate was so awful.
909
00:34:52,730 --> 00:34:54,065
I was embarrassed to be putting
910
00:34:54,147 --> 00:34:56,401
food like that in my mouth.
911
00:34:56,484 --> 00:34:59,571
And the houses were so ugly.
912
00:34:59,654 --> 00:35:02,448
These people should be in jail
for what their houses look like.
913
00:35:02,449 --> 00:35:04,075
I wish my kitchen was bee-themed.
914
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:05,493
I just... I kept thinking,
915
00:35:05,577 --> 00:35:08,330
"Thank God I don't think
this shit looks good still."
916
00:35:08,331 --> 00:35:09,956
I wanna take a picture.
917
00:35:10,081 --> 00:35:11,541
Eventually, the day was so long,
918
00:35:11,624 --> 00:35:14,419
I started to get physically
mad it was still happening
919
00:35:14,544 --> 00:35:17,338
because the conversations
were so mind-numbing.
920
00:35:17,422 --> 00:35:18,631
And the marina does it all.
921
00:35:18,756 --> 00:35:20,383
And the jokes weren't funny.
922
00:35:20,466 --> 00:35:22,594
One too many Kim Cs.
923
00:35:22,677 --> 00:35:24,929
I just... I was with my friends,
924
00:35:25,013 --> 00:35:26,264
but I wasn't.
925
00:35:26,347 --> 00:35:29,309
I was outside them
926
00:35:29,434 --> 00:35:31,519
because they were the same,
927
00:35:31,603 --> 00:35:34,189
and I was different.
928
00:35:34,272 --> 00:35:35,857
I am different.
929
00:35:35,940 --> 00:35:37,108
And I just...
930
00:35:37,192 --> 00:35:40,028
I don't think I can come here again...
931
00:35:40,111 --> 00:35:42,030
not ever again.
932
00:35:43,990 --> 00:35:46,701
Anyway, this is a lot of texts,
933
00:35:46,784 --> 00:35:48,369
and I know we're not together anymore,
934
00:35:48,453 --> 00:35:50,622
but I just wanted to say hi
935
00:35:50,705 --> 00:35:54,542
and that I miss you... and your dick.
936
00:35:54,626 --> 00:35:57,879
God, I miss your big, fat dick.
937
00:36:00,798 --> 00:36:03,384
Oh, my God. Those were all tweets again.
938
00:36:03,468 --> 00:36:04,469
Delete, delete, delete.
939
00:36:06,304 --> 00:36:08,223
♪ The gays are racing home tonight ♪
940
00:36:08,306 --> 00:36:10,016
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
941
00:36:10,141 --> 00:36:12,310
♪ Our reunions we will crush tonight ♪
942
00:36:12,393 --> 00:36:14,103
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
943
00:36:14,187 --> 00:36:16,523
♪ No one will be more
successful than we ♪
944
00:36:16,648 --> 00:36:18,399
♪ Or understand Kamala better than he ♪
945
00:36:18,483 --> 00:36:23,154
♪ 'Cause we are gay and
coming to win the night ♪
946
00:36:23,238 --> 00:36:24,656
Oh, look, a third gay.
947
00:36:24,739 --> 00:36:26,699
♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪
948
00:36:26,824 --> 00:36:28,201
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
949
00:36:28,326 --> 00:36:30,495
♪ And at Google, I'm the new VP ♪
950
00:36:30,620 --> 00:36:32,330
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
951
00:36:32,455 --> 00:36:34,749
♪ And now I am sitting my own pee ♪
952
00:36:34,832 --> 00:36:36,668
♪ So all of my past can compliment me ♪
953
00:36:36,751 --> 00:36:41,214
♪ 'Cause we four gays are
coming to win the night ♪
954
00:36:41,339 --> 00:36:43,007
No, but really.
955
00:36:43,091 --> 00:36:45,969
♪ Think of what they'll
say when they see me ♪
956
00:36:46,052 --> 00:36:47,595
♪ See me ♪
957
00:36:47,679 --> 00:36:51,099
♪ All my classmates with
their said little lives ♪
958
00:36:51,182 --> 00:36:55,061
♪ Think of what they'll say,
how they'll swoon and scream ♪
959
00:36:55,186 --> 00:36:58,940
♪ When the WindWeaver arrives ♪
960
00:36:59,023 --> 00:37:01,234
♪ Us gays have not been back in years ♪
961
00:37:01,359 --> 00:37:03,027
♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪
962
00:37:03,111 --> 00:37:05,280
♪ 'Cause high school, for
us, was full of tears ♪
963
00:37:05,363 --> 00:37:07,156
♪ So sad, oh, well ♪
964
00:37:07,240 --> 00:37:09,284
♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
965
00:37:09,367 --> 00:37:10,577
♪ And look at our résumés ♪
966
00:37:10,702 --> 00:37:11,786
♪ Holy shit, wow ♪
967
00:37:11,870 --> 00:37:13,413
♪ The gays are coming ♪
968
00:37:13,538 --> 00:37:17,542
♪ The gays are coming ♪
969
00:37:17,625 --> 00:37:19,502
♪ Home to win the night ♪
970
00:37:19,503 --> 00:37:24,503
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
68123
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