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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:32,120 Hello. 4 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,720 Hello! How you doing? 5 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:37,720 Great. 6 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:38,800 Thank you. 7 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:39,800 Wow. 8 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,120 Calm down. 9 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:44,040 Shut the fuck up. 10 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,040 Thank you. What a lovely welcome. 11 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,040 I'm gonna try my hardest tonight. 12 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:53,840 You're thinking, "Relax, we've had  our money's worth just seeing you." 13 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,000 What? You're a legend. Shut up!  What is he? 14 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:00,200 I'm not a god. 15 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,080 I'm just an ordinary guy, you know, 16 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,920 going round talking to people 17 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,120 sort... sort of like Jesus... 18 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:11,800 in a way... but better. 19 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,240 Well, I've actually turned up. So... 20 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,000 Thank you and welcome  to my new show, Humanity. 21 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:27,160 I don't know why I called it that. I'm not a big fan. 22 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:29,520 I prefer dogs... obviously. 23 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,560 Dogs are better people than people,  aren't they? 24 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,320 They're amazing, dogs. 25 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,000 They're our best friends. 26 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:37,880 They guard us, they guide us. 27 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,960 There's medical detection dogs 28 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:41,840 that can smell if you've got... 29 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:43,280 AIDS. 30 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:48,200 I'm not a doctor... but their noses are a thousand times 31 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,120 more sensitive than ours, so they go, 32 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,880 "Cor, you're well HIV! Fuck!" You know? 33 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,880 And you go,  "You can smell AIDS on someone?" 34 00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:58,480 Yeah. 35 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:01,280 "Why didn't you smell it on the bloke 36 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,560 I brought home last night,  you fucking idiot?" 37 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:10,040 They did the first three billion years  by themselves, 38 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:11,520 evolution and all that. 39 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,560 Then we got involved and did some selective breeding. 40 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,200 Getting them how we wanted,  to do jobs for us. 41 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,640 Bit stronger, faster, whatever. 42 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,560 They're great at the jobs they're bred to do. 43 00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,640 They love the job they're bred to do. 44 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,320 They're genetically hardwired  to love that behavior. 45 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:32,040 Although, the Rhodesian Ridgeback was bred to hunt lions. 46 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:36,440 I can't help but think it was  a shock to it when it found out. 47 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:40,480 So we've got all the pedigrees for miles around. 48 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,120 A big passing-out parade. 49 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:45,160 There's a bloke with a white coat and a clipboard. 50 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,400 He goes, "Right, dogs!" They go, "What?" 51 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:49,320 "Who wants to know what job they got?" 52 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,720 "We all do. We all do." 53 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:52,920 "Okay, Labradors." 54 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:53,920 "Yeah?" 55 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,680 "Do you like carefully bringing back  dead ducks?" 56 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:01,360 "Yeah?" 57 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:04,080 "That's your job." 58 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:05,560 "Amazing. That is amazing. 59 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:08,200 That is my favorite job.  That is my favorite job." 60 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,160 "Jack Russells?" 61 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,880 -"Yeah?" -"You like shooting down rabbit holes?" 62 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,760 -"Yeah!" -"That's your job." 63 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,640 "Fuckin' hell.  Best day ever! Best day ever!" 64 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,320 -"Miniature poodles?" -"Yeah?" 65 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,600 "Do you like being carried around by elderly homosexuals?" 66 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,040 -"Yeah." -"That's your job." 67 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,160 That's your job. 68 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:34,880 "Ridgebacks?" 69 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:35,880 "Yo!" 70 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:38,280 "You're hunting lions." 71 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:39,320 "What?" 72 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:42,840 "You're hunting lions." 73 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:46,120 "Fuck off!" 74 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,720 -"Yeah, you are." -"No, we're not. 75 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:50,800 Look, lions? 76 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,680 We'll get fucking mashed! 77 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,320 Why can't the Rottweilers hunt lions?" 78 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,440 "They're shaking babies." 79 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,080 Good boy! 80 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,040 Good boy! You shake that baby if you want. 81 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,160 Good boy! 82 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:08,160 Cheers. 83 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,880 This is my first new stand-up  for seven years, 84 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,640 if you don't count the Golden Globes. 85 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,600 Which you shouldn't. 86 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,280 The Golden Globes. Very different. 87 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,040 God, a different vibe. 88 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,040 Two hundred million people watching. 89 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:27,160 And it's live. 90 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:28,400 Big thrill. 91 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,240 But with that many people watching, 92 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,600 there's a bit of stick. 93 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:33,960 Everyone's different,  everyone's a blogger. 94 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,840 Everyone goes, "I was offended." 95 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,800 -"Why?" -"He said an horrible thing." 96 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,600 "He said loads of horrible things." 97 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,520 "Yeah, but that was a thing  that I care about." 98 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,920 That's the thing about offense, 99 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,480 it's about personal feelings. 100 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,480 I don't care about the backlash. 101 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,160 "Comedian in hot water." 102 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:54,480 You know? 103 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,600 My girlfriend, Jane, she worries, and she reads things. 104 00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,080 "What have you said?" 105 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,000 "Don't worry. 106 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,040 They won't come to the house. Fuck 'em." 107 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,520 So I wind her up. 108 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,920 I pretend I'm gonna say much worse things 109 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,120 than I ever would. 110 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,240 I have to make up worse jokes 111 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:14,760 than I actually... 112 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,080 Just to scare my girlfriend. 113 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,120 When I do the Golden Globes, we go out about a week before. 114 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,840 It's in LA. We fly out. 115 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,720 I'm writing jokes  as the ceremony approaches. 116 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,520 They release more presenters. I take my pick. 117 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,880 "I got a good intro for them. Yeah. 118 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,240 Mel Gibson? I'll introduce him, yes." 119 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,760 About three days before this last one, 120 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,720 just to wind Jane up, I said,  "I got a good intro." 121 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:43,840 She went, "What?" 122 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:47,560 I said, "Bill Cosby would make our next presenter sleep on the couch. 123 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,520 Please welcome Helen Mirren!" 124 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:53,480 I didn't do it. 125 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,840 She said, "You won't do that?" I said, "No." 126 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,440 Next day, I got her again. 127 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,400 I said, "Is this too much?" 128 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,840 I said, "Not even Bill Cosby carries enough tranquilizer 129 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,200 to bring down this next magnificent beast. 130 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,000 Please welcome Melissa McCarthy!" 131 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,600 I didn't do it! I would never... 132 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,600 I'd never... tell a joke like that.  It's horrible. 133 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,680 I was just doing it to annoy Jane. 134 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:21,920 I'd never even... 135 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,640 think... of that, 136 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:25,600 so don't... 137 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,680 Even on the day, on the way to the red carpet, in the limo, 138 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,560 I said, "I'll start with  a funny one-liner. 139 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,920 An old-fashioned joke." 140 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,600 She went, "What?" I said, 141 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,120 "What did the deaf, dumb and blind orphan get for Christmas?" 142 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,680 Jane went, "I don't know." 143 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:42,960 I said, "Cancer." 144 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,760 I didn't do it, so... 145 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,960 you're getting offended at a joke 146 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:54,800 that doesn't exist, so... 147 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,320 I'd never say that in public, so... 148 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,320 To anyone who mattered, anyway. 149 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:02,240 So, don't... 150 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,720 I didn't have to worry about  offending anyone. It just happens. 151 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:14,000 The big controversy last time I did it was a Caitlyn Jenner joke. 152 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,360 Outrage on Twitter the next day. 153 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,600 I mean a couple of people going, 154 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,160 "It was transphobic." 155 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:22,840 It wasn't transphobic in the slightest. 156 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,920 It was a joke about a trans person, 157 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:28,120 but it had nothing to do with that aspect of her existence. 158 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:29,920 And that's the other thing  about offense. 159 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,600 People mistake the subject of a joke with the actual target. 160 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,160 They're not necessarily the same. 161 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,520 I'll tell you the joke, you make your minds up. 162 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,960 It's live, so they go, 163 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:48,400 "Your host for the 68th Annual Golden Globes Awards, 164 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,080 please welcome Ricky Gervais." 165 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,960 They're all clapping,  the actors are smiling at me. 166 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,080 Nervously. It's brilliant, right? 167 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:57,920 So, I just go, 168 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,600 "Relax, I'm gonna be nice tonight. 169 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,080 I've changed. 170 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,840 Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously." 171 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:15,560 And I go, "Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course." And what a year she's had. 172 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,240 Became a role model  for trans people everywhere, 173 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,840 bravely breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. 174 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:25,560 She didn't do a lot for women drivers..." 175 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,400 That's a clever joke. I'll tell you why. 176 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:31,360 Right? 177 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,160 It's layered. No, listen, right? 178 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,360 The subject of that joke is stereotypes. 179 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,120 I'm playing with the notion of stereotypes. 180 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,320 I start by saying she's a real woman, 181 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,360 a liberal, progressive attitude. 182 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,240 Then if she's a real woman, 183 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,600 I hit them with  the old-fashioned stereotype. 184 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,120 She must be a bad driver, then. Right? 185 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:56,240 The target of the joke is a celebrity killing someone in their car. 186 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,120 Let's not forget that, shall we? 187 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:05,000 A celebrity killing someone in their car, running home and popping on a dress. 188 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:05,920 That's... 189 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,760 the target of the joke, just so we're clear. 190 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:10,680 Okay? 191 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,800 She was interviewed a week later 192 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,280 at a press conference for a show of hers. 193 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:18,520 Now cancelled. 194 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:19,640 And... 195 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,640 one of the press said, "What do you think of the Ricky Gervais joke?" 196 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,680 She went, "Maybe I should host the Golden Globes." 197 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:30,680 And they tweeted that and @-ed me in, 198 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,880 because they want a celebrity feud. 199 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,960 It was clickbait. I rose to the bait. 200 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:36,880 Obviously... 201 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,320 I just sent back, 202 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,880 "Let her host. Just don't let her drive." 203 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,320 Another website that was in the room, Entertainment Weekly, 204 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,920 they tweeted a different headline,  and they @-ed me in. 205 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,160 Their headline was "Caitlyn finally  breaks silence over Ricky Gervais." 206 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,600 I just sent back: "At last. She always brakes too late." 207 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:09,600 Bring it on. 208 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:10,720 Bring it on. 209 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,920 But I'm a considered comedian. I like my jokes to be accurate 210 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,600 and my targets to be fair. 211 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,880 So I was engaging these people, saying, 212 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,440 "Why is it transphobic?" They said, "It's about a trans person." 213 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,520 That's ridiculous. 214 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,000 That's like saying a joke about Bill Cosby is automatically racist. 215 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,360 It depends on the joke. But I'm willing to learn. 216 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,920 I found out my crime was that I dead-named her. 217 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,160 I'd never heard that term 218 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,360 before a day after the Golden Globes. 219 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,000 And that was saying her old name, 220 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,640 and even acknowledging she used  to be a man. 221 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:47,360 But she did! 222 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,320 I saw him on the Olympic Games! 223 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,040 He was a decathlete, he was in everything! 224 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,440 All over the place! Shot put and pole vault. 225 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,160 He won a medal! He was famous! 226 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,760 He was on telly all the time, you know? 227 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,880 A big... famous... man. 228 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,360 With a huge... I don't know. I'm guessing. 229 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,760 Probably. He was big. 230 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,520 But I've learnt my lesson. 231 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,920 Now I know it's wrong. I'd never dead-name her now. 232 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,760 But, years ago, 233 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,840 when she was a... man... 234 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,400 Years ago, I'm saying. 235 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,040 And she went to the... doctor... 236 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,520 and... knocked on the door. 237 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,280 The doctor went, "Come in!" 238 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,560 This is years ago. 239 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,480 I'd never dead-name her now, but this is like... 240 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:41,720 a flashback before anyone...  You know what... so... 241 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,240 so, like, "Come in!" 242 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:47,000 And he went, "Hello, Bruce Jenner." Because that... 243 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,080 that was his name... then. 244 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,120 The doctor-- This was years ago... 245 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,920 The doctor went, "All right, Bruce Jenner, how you doing, you fucker? 246 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,360 You big old lunk. 247 00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:58,360 How you doing? 248 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:00,960 Come here, you, you fucker. 249 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:04,320 How you doing, Brucie boy?" 250 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:09,000 And Bruce Jenner-- That was his name.  This is years ago. 251 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,360 Right? So... 252 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:14,040 Bruce Jenner went, "Yeah. Yeah, not too bad, Doctor. Yeah." 253 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,960 "What can I do for you, Bruce,  you fucker? How you doing, boy?" 254 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,200 And Bruce Jenner went-- 255 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,480 That was his name. Bruce Jenner went... 256 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,360 "Look at that." 257 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,160 The doctor went, "Come on, Bruce Jenner, you know the rules." 258 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,480 He uses his whole name every time, for some reason... 259 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,280 "Come on, Bruce Jenner, you fucker.  You know the rules. 260 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,520 You can't bring your big old pole vaulting pole in here, mate." 261 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,520 Bruce Jenner went, "No, that's  not my pole, 262 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,120 that's my enormous penis." 263 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,200 "Well, seeing as it's your penis, you can bring it in here. 264 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,840 But you should have left your shot puts outside." 265 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,440 And Bruce Jenner went... 266 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,120 That was his name for... 267 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,800 fifty-eight years, I think. 268 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,200 He went, "No, they're not my shot puts, Doctor, 269 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:09,920 they're my enormous testicles." 270 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:15,480 That's where I keep my testosterone,  and my spunk, and shit, right? 271 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,960 And the doctor went, "Oh yeah. 272 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,200 That makes perfect-- 273 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,760 I'm a medical man. You're a big bloke. 274 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,280 You fucker. How you doing, boy? You're a big... 275 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,440 You're big,  and you would have a big old... 276 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,600 cock and... balls. 277 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:30,800 They're beautiful." 278 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,320 Bit familiar, innit? 279 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,120 "No, you must be very proud of them, Bruce." 280 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,480 Bruce went,  "This is going to surprise you, Doctor. 281 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,560 I wanna get rid of them." 282 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,960 And the doctor went, "What? Why?" 283 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,000 "Oh, they get in the way." "In the way of what?" 284 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,080 "Fucking driving, for one thing!" 285 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,320 So, I'm engaging these people,  and I'm saying, 286 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,000 "But I had to say her old name. 287 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,320 That's the joke. I say, "I've changed. 288 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,800 Not as much as Bruce Jenner." 289 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:05,760 Then I do the joke." But, no. 290 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,600 This is my second crime. I say, she hasn't changed. 291 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,360 She's always identified as a woman. 292 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:12,840 That means she's a woman. 293 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,280 Fine, if that's the rules. 294 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,360 If you feel you're a woman, you are. 295 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,520 I'm not a bigot who thinks 296 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,960 having all that done  is science going too far. 297 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,200 In fact,  I don't think it's going far enough. 298 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,880 Cause I've always identified as a chimp, right? 299 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,040 Well, I am a chimp. 300 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,920 If I say I'm a chimp, I am a chimp. 301 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:32,320 Pre-op. 302 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,560 But... 303 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,320 Don't ever dead-name me. 304 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,320 Don't call me Ricky Gervais again. 305 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,120 From now on, you call me Bobo. 306 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,760 I'm gonna have species realignment. 307 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,400 I'm halfway there. 308 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,040 I'm short, with short legs and long arms. 309 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,920 I stoop.  My back's getting hairier by the day. 310 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,760 I've got fangs, like that. 311 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,000 I love nuts. I love nuts. 312 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:58,000 Once, I was at the zoo,  and people were looking at me, 313 00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,040 so I just started masturbating, like... 314 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:02,840 So... 315 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,440 I am a chimp, right? 316 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,640 I am a chimp if I say I'm a chimp. 317 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,400 I've got to live as a chimp for a year. 318 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,360 Then have hormones,  get me all nice and hairy. 319 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,720 That'd be lovely. 320 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:18,400 I'm gonna stay a male chimp... so I can keep all that, right? 321 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:19,920 Male, heterosexual chimp. 322 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,680 Keep the same girlfriend. 323 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,040 Jane would be happy. She loves me, 324 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,520 she loves chimps, so... You know. 325 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,720 I reckon that's got to be easier 326 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,920 for a man to turn into a chimp, 327 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,600 we're so close, than for a man 328 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,760 to turn into a woman, in many ways. 329 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,280 A bit of hair, and a top lip like that, 330 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:41,200 as opposed to your cock and balls ripped off... 331 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,600 and a hole gouged out, into-- 332 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:44,800 I'm not a doctor! 333 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,120 But that is... 334 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,760 the gist of it. 335 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,000 I know which one I'd rather have done. 336 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:54,200 I'm not saying chimps are better than women. No way. 337 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,880 Right? Any ladies here? 338 00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,520 I can't see you, but, to me, 339 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,120 every single one of you is equal... 340 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,800 to a chimp. So... 341 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,600 So, I'd have all that done, hair and that. 342 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,320 I'd do all that, all the... 343 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:16,000 I'll retain the ability to speak English. 344 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:19,440 Like in emergencies. I'm talking to Jane, she's going, "What is it?" 345 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:22,600 "What is it, Bobo?" 346 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,920 "You left the fucking oven on! There's a fire!" 347 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:32,000 Are you saying that if Caitlyn Jenner was being chased by a wolf, 348 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,720 and there was a big fence but she had a long pole, 349 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,240 she'd... revert. 350 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:38,800 She'd be over that fucking... 351 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:40,640 Easy. 352 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,880 So I'd have all that done. Top lip. 353 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,320 Doing all that. Right? 354 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,920 I'll be legally a chimp. 355 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,400 I'll be well... properly chimped-up. 356 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,080 I'll be able to use chimp toilets! 357 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:58,560 I'll be walking along,   holding Jane's hand. "Come on, Bobo." 358 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,000 Right? We don't hold hands now. 359 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,600 I don't know why she's all over me  now I'm a chimp. 360 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,360 But we'll be all in love.  Maybe matching jumpers. 361 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,000 "Come on, Bobo." In love. Just two... Like that. 362 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:17,120 Then, if a bigot in a van slows down and goes, 363 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,640 "That's fucking disgusting." 364 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,200 I'll fling shit at him and run up a tree. 365 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,720 And that's why that joke isn't transphobic. So... 366 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:28,760 Cheers. 367 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:35,640 So, humanity. 368 00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,240 What is humanity? 369 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,520 What are we? 370 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,640 Well, we've touched upon it there. 371 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:42,040 We're great apes. 372 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:45,280 Not metaphorically! We're literally great apes. 373 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:49,280 We are 98.6% genetically identical to a chimpanzee. 374 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,920 We're closer to chimps  than chimps are to gorillas. 375 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,720 We left our common ancestor  about six million years ago. 376 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:56,960 We have the same life cycle. 377 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,360 Same as any other animal. Which is... 378 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,280 our parents mate... 379 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:02,640 we're born... 380 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:03,840 we grow... 381 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,160 we mate... 382 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,440 our parents die... 383 00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,600 our friends die... 384 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:10,880 and then we die. 385 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,280 Now... 386 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:17,200 my seven-year-old niece didn't like hearing that. 387 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,200 But I said, "You've gotta learn. Stop crying." 388 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,520 I said, "You're seven. 389 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,280 You know... today. 390 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:26,760 So... 391 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,040 Any more grizzling and this party's cancelled, so..." 392 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,800 Let's take the first of those. Birth. 393 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:43,120 It's odd, because a human is born before the end 394 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,680 of its natural gestation period. 395 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,040 I mean, because of our evolution, 396 00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,560 our brain is so big, 397 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,840 we have to get that huge head out early. 398 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,680 That's why the skull  is in parts and supple. 399 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:57,880 Then we go on gestating outside the womb. That's why we're so useless. 400 00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,240 Look at other mammals. 401 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,080 A giraffe is walking along. 402 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,960 It goes, "I'm proper pregnant." Right? 403 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,440 I'm gonna have a baby giraffe right here. 404 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,040 Yeah, there it is. 405 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,320 See you later. 406 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:15,800 And the baby goes, 407 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,200 "Mum!" It's got to be fucking ready. 408 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,280 We're... we're helpless, right? 409 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:24,360 Just think, nine months we're growing in this perfect environment. 410 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:26,680 Everything's... 411 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,960 It's like being in a little Kate Bush video, right? 412 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:36,920 Then, suddenly, you're being squeezed out of an hole near an ass. 413 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,200 You're covered in shit, there's screaming. 414 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,240 You go, "I can't breathe." Someone goes, "Yes, you fucking can!" 415 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,000 The first one second of life on Earth. 416 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:48,560 You don't know where you are. 417 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,240 You can't choose where you're born. 418 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,160 I was born in Whitley Estate  in Reading, right? 419 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,720 I wouldn't have chosen that. 420 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,440 I'd have chosen Hampstead.  I did choose Hampstead. 421 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,880 It just took 45 years to be able  to afford it. 422 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,320 Very different. Very different, 423 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,760 my upbringing to how I live now. 424 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,320 Now I live a privileged life. 425 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,880 Hampstead is ridiculous.  It's a rarefied place. 426 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,760 It's like the grandchildren  of poets and painters 427 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,800 and me, new money, right? 428 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,240 But, growing up, it was tough! 429 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:26,120 I don't know about now, but in my day, my estate was rough and scary. 430 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,640 It felt like wildlife. 431 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,520 I was weak and vulnerable. 432 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,720 There was danger round every corner. 433 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:35,040 My school was on my street and I ran there every day, 434 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,080 so I didn't get mugged or molested. 435 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:40,920 There weren't many pedophiles in Reading, the murderers had killed a lot. 436 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,040 But there was still a couple. 437 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:47,560 I moved to Hampstead. Oh my god! There's no crime! 438 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,560 I saw a knife once in Hampstead. 439 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,000 It was a palette knife. 440 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,960 Just a bloke, oil painting, in the middle of the street. 441 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,800 Broad daylight, no-one gobbing on it or calling him "bender". It was weird! 442 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,440 I know my life has changed drastically, 443 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:06,760 It wasn't always like that. 444 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,200 As a famous person, you read about yourself. 445 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,960 Gossip and Twitter and everything. 446 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:16,560 One thing kept cropping up, even as I prepared for this tour. 447 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,920 People kept saying,  "He's out of touch. 448 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,800 He's so famous. He's rich. He's mega-rich." 449 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,480 I am. Right? 450 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,240 I could have this place burnt down for a laugh. 451 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:37,120 No, but they say things like, "He's an observational comedian. 452 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,280 How can he say things that relate to ordinary... 453 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:41,320 scum." 454 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,480 And I say.. 455 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,280 I say, "Don't call them scum, right?" 456 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,320 But even the papers, they try and... get around to it. 457 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,600 I do interviews and they'll always say, 458 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,120 "Do you always fly first class?" 459 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,400 I go, "No. Often private." Right? 460 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,240 The number of times I've answered this question. They say, 461 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,960 "Do you know how much a pint of milk is?" 462 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,240 To make you look out of touch. 463 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:09,360 I don't know, but that's irrelevant. 464 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,560 Next time a journalist asks me, I'll say, "I don't know. 465 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,640 But here's a grand. Run and get me one." 466 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,600 Is that enough? That enough? Yeah. 467 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:24,880 Another question I always get, 468 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,400 particularly with the posh Sundays, doing a profile piece. 469 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:32,000 They're still trying to alienate you, make you look different. 470 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,440 They say things like, 471 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:35,880 "You don't have children." I say, "No." 472 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,640 "Why don't you have children?" 473 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,320 Which is an odd question. 474 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,880 Why don't you have children? 475 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,960 As opposed to asking people,  "Why do you have children?" 476 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,600 Let's ask the fat lady in the leggings why she's had eight, shall we? 477 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,240 Nine! That one just fell out. 478 00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:56,600 That one didn't even touch the sides. 479 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,600 Or... disturb her cigarette.  That one just... 480 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:02,920 Go and claim for that. 481 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,680 People say it's selfish  to not have children. 482 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,640 How is it selfish to not bring a life  into the world 483 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,560 that doesn't exist on any level? 484 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:19,280 There's not a cabinet full of potential ghost fetuses going, 485 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,240 "We want to be born!" Right? 486 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:27,480 But I've thought about it and there's  three reasons I don't have children. 487 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,160 Three main reasons and I'll share them with you. 488 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:31,960 Three reasons. 489 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,440 One. There's millions! 490 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:39,160 The world's over-populated.  No-one's going, "Rick's not having kids. 491 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:40,920 We're gonna run out. Fuck." 492 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,400 Two. Kids are scroungers. Aren't they? 493 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,960 I mean, from day one,  it's all "me, me, me", isn't it? 494 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:51,440 "Feed me." 495 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,160 "Clothe me." 496 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,760 "Pay for my chemotherapy." 497 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:57,760 No... 498 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,280 No. 499 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,360 Not my problem, son. Not mine. 500 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,680 Luck of the draw, boy. Luck of the draw. 501 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:20,160 It costs the average household  in the West $200,000 to bring up a child. 502 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,120 And they don't want to pay you back. 503 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,480 They're not grateful. 504 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,400 They don't go, "Thanks for having me." It's "I didn't wanna be born." 505 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:29,360 Even if they get a top job, which they won't, 506 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:33,400 you'll never see that money back. 507 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,600 They'll just put you in a home, okay? 508 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:36,960 And my kid, 509 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:40,680 he'd be born into ridiculous wealth,  wouldn't he? So... 510 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:45,320 He'd be a little cunt. 511 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,240 A little Hampstead cunt... 512 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:59,280 running around with all the other  fucking little Hampstead cunts, 513 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,280 being all Hampstead and cunty. 514 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:03,800 "I'm a little Hampstead cunt."  Yes, I know. 515 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,520 "These are my cunty friends."  I know, it's obvious. 516 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,960 I can tell  from your little fucking cunty hats 517 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,760 that you're little Hampstead cunts, you little posh Hampstead... 518 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,400 First, he'd know  he was a little Hampstead cunt. 519 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,200 "I'm a little..." Yes, we know. 520 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:18,720 Everyone knows, right? 521 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,320 He'd know that, right? 522 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:24,480 On the other hand, he'd know he'd never live up to being as brilliant as his dad. 523 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,960 I'd say, "I worked my way up from nothing, 524 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,360 and you're just a useless Hampstead cunt." 525 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:34,760 He'd go, "Yeah." And that would  probably prey on his little mind a bit. 526 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:38,520 Eleven, twelve, he'd be naughty,  run with the wrong crowd, 527 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,680 try and get out from under my shadow. 528 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,720 Then he'd turn to drugs.  About 30, he'd come home, 529 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,400 and overdose on my Afghan rug. 530 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,880 Twenty grand, that was, right? 531 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,080 And as he was there, convulsing, 532 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,840 and throwing up his fucking lungs, right, 533 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:58,200 and with his little posh, high-pitched, fucking death rattle... 534 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,800 his little fucking dying words, 535 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,200 he'd go, "Do you love me now, Daddy?" 536 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:05,120 No! 537 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:06,520 No. 538 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,480 No, I never did.  That's why you'll never be born, 539 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,920 you useless, fucking junkie,  Hampstead cunt. 540 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:25,920 And, three... 541 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,360 I'd worry sick about him. You know? 542 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:35,720 No I would! I've only got a cat now and I worry sick about her. 543 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:39,760 I check the door three times when I go out, so she doesn't escape. 544 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:44,120 I put food and water in every room in case the door shuts and she's peckish. 545 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,160 A human baby? Oh my god, 546 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,400 the responsibility of a human life? 547 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,600 I'd watch it sleep. You know? 548 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,760 We said how weak and vulnerable they are. 549 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,920 Oh, my god! You perfect little thing. 550 00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,200 Oh, you flesh of my flesh. 551 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,600 Now, go to sleep in your expensive cot, like that. 552 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,280 Night, night. Sleep tight. 553 00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:08,280 Don't let the bedbugs... 554 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,040 Dead. 555 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:17,840 Yeah. 556 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:19,640 Just... 557 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:23,880 Why? Why is it dead? 558 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,120 It's just fucking dead, look! 559 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:32,280 Fuck's sake! 560 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:38,680 Fucking hell. 561 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:42,840 What the...  What a fucking waste of time that was! 562 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:45,960 Fuck's sake. 563 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:49,760 Embarrassing. "Jane?" 564 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:53,760 -"What?" -"Come here." 565 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,720 -"I'm in the shower." -"Come here." 566 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:56,680 "What?" 567 00:27:57,360 --> 00:27:58,600 "Fucking dead already. 568 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:00,320 I didn't... Just fucking... 569 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:02,440 Fucking hell, Jane. 570 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:05,200 You call that a baby? That is..." 571 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,960 If Jane was out, I'd have to text her, wouldn't I? 572 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:14,320 What could you... 573 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:16,120 "Baby's dead." 574 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:19,720 She'd come back. "What the fuck?" 575 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:21,720 I'd go, "Yep... 576 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,400 Forget the Pampers. LOL." 577 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:35,480 But even if it made it through the terrifying cot years, 578 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:37,760 and it was a toddler running around 579 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:41,240 head height to my antique tables, with their sharp edges. 580 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:44,960 I'd have to pad them so it didn't run into it, cave its head in and die. 581 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,240 Then Social Services come round and say, 582 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,000 "Is this your child, Mr. Gervais?" 583 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:50,640 -"Yeah." -"What happened here, then?" 584 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:52,440 I go, "It's a fucking idiot." 585 00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:57,640 I did think of adopting for a while. 586 00:28:57,720 --> 00:28:59,400 A little third world child. 587 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,640 Because that would tick all three boxes. 588 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:06,120 One, I wouldn't be adding to the population problem. 589 00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:08,160 I'd be alleviating an existing problem. 590 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,840 A young kid born, through no fault of his own, 591 00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,200 into abject poverty, he would have died, 592 00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:15,240 I can literally save his life, 593 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:17,280 and give him a great upbringing. 594 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,560 Right? Two. 595 00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:20,600 He would be grateful, wouldn't he? 596 00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:22,960 He'd wanna pay me back, woudn't he? 597 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:27,480 Particularly if I let him know the other kids in the village weren't so lucky. 598 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:31,040 They didn't... They didn't make it out. Right? 599 00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:33,560 I'd tell him that early on, 600 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,600 so he really bucked his ideas up. 601 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,960 I'd go, "Tunde, come here. 602 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:41,360 Come here. 603 00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:42,520 Yeah, yeah. 604 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,600 Go and pop a shirt on,  you're not in Africa now. 605 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:51,720 That's better. Yeah. 606 00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:55,920 Tunde, look-- Yeah!  Water straight out of a tap, innit? Yes! 607 00:29:56,800 --> 00:29:57,640 Yeah. 608 00:29:57,720 --> 00:29:58,560 Yeah! 609 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:01,760 No, it's not free. It's Hampstead, you know, but... 610 00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:03,520 Yeah, course it's safe. 611 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:05,680 Safe, fresh drinking water. 612 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,520 Have as much as you want. Have a bucket full. 613 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,400 Fresh drinking water. There you go. 614 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:12,360 Go and clean the car. Go on." 615 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,000 No, I'd go, "Look. 616 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:22,480 Remember all your friends in the village back in Africa? 617 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:23,480 They're all dead. 618 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,880 A rich man didn't save them  and bring them to Hampstead. 619 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:30,520 -Do you wanna pay me back?"  -"Yeah." 620 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,120 "Yeah, I bet you do." 621 00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:34,720 The good thing about them is, 622 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,800 they can start work when they're about... six. 623 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:41,560 I just call up Nike and I go... 624 00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,000 "Do you still make your stuff  in sweatshops? 625 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:48,520 Got a great little worker here, yeah. 626 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:51,040 Pound a day's fine. He's gotta start somewhere. 627 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,080 And, three... 628 00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:56,640 if he ran round and caved his head in... and died, 629 00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:00,760 and Social Services came round and said, "Is this your child, Mr Gervais?" 630 00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:02,840 I'd go, "Does it look like mine?" 631 00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:07,240 I'd go... 632 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,600 "This is Hampstead.  It's obviously broken in." 633 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,120 That's why I don't have kids. 634 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:23,680 Even though I don't have children  of my own, 635 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,360 people still show me photos of theirs, like I give a shit. 636 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:29,760 I don't mean my own family. 637 00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:30,840 They've given up. 638 00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:33,800 I've got older brothers and sisters. They've had loads of kids. 639 00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:36,880 And their kids have kids,  and then their kids! 640 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:38,000 There's about 50. 641 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:40,600 I don't know all their names.  I see them at Christmas. 642 00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:44,080 It's all "Uncle Ricky!"  They know I've got a bit of cash. 643 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,200 They go through my pockets, and then fuck off. 644 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:49,680 It's like being mugged by mice, right? 645 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:52,560 I don't mean them, I mean strangers. 646 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:54,880 I could be busy, I could be working, 647 00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:58,160 like on the set of a TV or film  or something, 648 00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:00,520 stressed, producing or directing it. 649 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:02,720 You get someone who's in for one day, 650 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:04,600 with one line, or a stuntman, 651 00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:06,200 they introduce themselves. 652 00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:08,880 "Good. Be with you in a minute." Then they hover. 653 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:12,840 -"Busy?" -I go, "Yeah! Yes. Yeah." 654 00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:14,960 They go, "Working the weekend?" 655 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,880 I go, "Not filming,  but I'll be in the edit." 656 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:20,440 "I'm taking my youngest  to ballet lessons." 657 00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:22,000 "Ah. Great. 658 00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:22,920 Great." 659 00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:24,920 "Yeah, she's eight." 660 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:29,960 "I've got a photograph." 661 00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:33,040 I go, "You know what? Show me it if she goes missing. 662 00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:40,640 I'll keep an eye open in the woods." 663 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:53,640 You've gotta go through the whole polite rigmarole, and go, 664 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:57,040 "She's beautiful." 665 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:02,040 It's gotta be long. Too short,  it's awkward. They know. 666 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:03,640 You go, "Yeah, right." 667 00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,720 Too long and it's like, 668 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:17,800 "She's... 669 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:20,120 She's fucking beautiful." 670 00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:22,960 It's a minefield, innit? 671 00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:24,280 So... 672 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:33,080 I'm not out of touch. But I am spoiled. 673 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:37,400 There's a difference. I didn't have any money until I was 40. 674 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,560 I've got the same family, friends and values. 675 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:40,880 But I am spoiled. 676 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:44,120 Because opportunity and privilege  spoils you. 677 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:47,160 And it doesn't take much. I'l give you an example. 678 00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:49,280 When I first made it in America, 679 00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:50,520 the next time we flew, 680 00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:52,840 we're met by a bloke in a suit and a thing. 681 00:33:52,920 --> 00:33:55,000 And he just walked us past the queue 682 00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,080 and straight out the other side. 683 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,120 The first time, you're horrified. 684 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:02,680 "Everyone's looking."  Pretending to be late, baseball cap. 685 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:03,600 Oh, god. 686 00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:06,560 Next time we flew, I went,  "Where's that bloke? 687 00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:07,840 I'm not queueing!" 688 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:09,600 It's quick! 689 00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:13,000 When I fly to the States, I've got a place there, 690 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:14,360 but I'm always working. 691 00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,200 So, someone else is paying. 692 00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:18,200 So, I go first class. BA. 693 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:19,760 It doesn't get any better. 694 00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:22,600 Even if I was paying, I'd still go first class, 695 00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:25,240 but Jane would probably be in coach... 696 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:28,040 It's ten grand a pop! 697 00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:31,520 That new Planet of the Apes movie's on.  She'll love that. 698 00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:33,040 She'll be up for that. 699 00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:36,920 But when someone else is paying, 700 00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:38,960 I say,  "Jane, get up here with me." Right? 701 00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:41,480 Front two seats... 702 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:43,080 They board us early. 703 00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:46,480 We're on the plane about 15 minutes before anyone else. God. 704 00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:51,000 They bring round these snacks,  these warmed, caramelized nuts in a bowl. 705 00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,880 Champagne. It's great. It's like a day off. 706 00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:57,520 No phone or anything. It's like a holiday, flying to the States. 707 00:34:57,600 --> 00:34:59,560 I could do without the safety video. 708 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,080 That's always a bit of a downer. 709 00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:03,960 And totally pointless. 710 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:07,160 If you hit the side of a mountain  at 500 miles per hour, 711 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,400 the brace position does fuck all. 712 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:16,000 Imagine if that worked. 713 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:18,360 You're going down, the plane smashes. 714 00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:20,520 You go, "I'll try it." You do that. 715 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:23,320 Ball of flames, you wake up, everyone's dead. 716 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,360 You go, "Fucking hell,  that's amazing, that is!" 717 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:35,000 And they always use that voice,  don't they? 718 00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,840 That calming, hypnotic voice,  like, "Nothing bad will happen." 719 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:43,040 They're saying horrendous things,  but nothing bad will happen, 720 00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:45,520 because I'm using this voice, don't worry. 721 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,840 Things like, "In the event  of the plane landing on water--" 722 00:35:48,920 --> 00:35:51,480 It smashes the fuck to bits, right? 723 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:55,360 They say, "In the event of the plane landing on water, 724 00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:58,160 your life jacket is equipped  with a whistle." 725 00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:01,400 A fucking whistle. 726 00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:04,760 So, the plane hits the water,  smashes to bits, 727 00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:07,640 everyone's dead, except you, by a miracle. 728 00:36:07,720 --> 00:36:10,040 You're bobbing around  in the Atlantic Ocean. 729 00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:12,000 Four degrees, that water is. 730 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:16,280 You've got about 15 minutes before hypothermia sets in. 731 00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:18,520 Or you're eaten by a shark, or you drown. 732 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,920 You're hoping they've sent air-sea rescue. 733 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:24,960 You're going, "God, I'm gonna die,  I don't know what I'm doing!" 734 00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:25,880 Hold on! 735 00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:37,760 I mean, Air Sea Rescue... 736 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,480 I don't know if you've ever been in  a helicopter. 737 00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:41,960 O course you haven't. But... 738 00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:45,160 They're fucking loud. 739 00:36:45,240 --> 00:36:47,760 It's like having your head  in a washing machine. 740 00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:52,040 You have to wear ear plugs and defenders. Your teeth rattle. It's like... 741 00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:57,120 Like that.  Over the Atlantic Ocean at night. 742 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:06,800 Never gonna happen. 743 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:14,960 If you crash, you die, right? 744 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,040 But apart from that, it's brilliant.  Right... 745 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:23,600 I was flying Heathrow to JFK just before Christmas, right? 746 00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:25,560 Boarded us early, on the plane. 747 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:26,800 She comes round. 748 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,040 "Champagne in a wine glass,  like you like it, Mr. Gervais." 749 00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:31,000 She goes off. 750 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:33,840 I go, "Have you got any  of them warm nuts?" 751 00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:37,040 She went, "We're not handing out nuts  on this flight. 752 00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:39,520 A lady's getting on who's so allergic, 753 00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:42,000 even someone eating nuts nearby 754 00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,360 would cause her to have a fatal reaction." 755 00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:46,600 I went, "Oh, my god, of course." 756 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:48,960 I was fuming. I mean... 757 00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:51,440 What's that got to do with me? 758 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:53,360 Why can't I eat nuts, just cause... 759 00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:55,640 fucking... this woman will... die, right? 760 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:58,800 Nuts! How has she lived this long? 761 00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:03,000 If walking by a nut kills you... 762 00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:06,320 if being... just near a nut... 763 00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:08,800 How has she never been near a nut... 764 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:10,440 before? 765 00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:12,840 And how has she lived long enough, 766 00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,000 having never been near a nut, 767 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:18,160 how has she lived long enough to earn enough money 768 00:38:18,240 --> 00:38:20,600 to be near me on a plane, right? 769 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:23,200 Honestly. It's... 770 00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:27,640 And if being near a nut kills you, 771 00:38:27,720 --> 00:38:30,920 do we really want that in the gene pool?  I mean... 772 00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:33,280 I never wanted nuts more. 773 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:37,120 I felt she was infringing  on my human right to eat nuts. 774 00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:40,720 And this is how spoiled I am, okay? 775 00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,280 I actually had this thought. 776 00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:45,600 I thought, "Oh, I wish  I'd brought my own nuts on." 777 00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:46,520 Right?. 778 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:50,600 I thought for a second, but that wouldn't work. 779 00:38:50,680 --> 00:38:54,280 She'd get on and start blowing up  like a frog, right? 780 00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:55,440 Like that... 781 00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:58,200 And... die. 782 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,680 And someone would go,  "Ricky Gervais brought his own nuts on." 783 00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:03,360 You know, right? 784 00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:05,640 So I don't take my own nuts on. 785 00:39:05,720 --> 00:39:07,080 Now, before I fly, 786 00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:10,440 I have a shower,  and then I rub myself all over... 787 00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:12,960 in nuts... just in case. 788 00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:15,280 Then I go, "Can I have any nuts?" 789 00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:17,520 They go, "No, sorry, this lady would die." 790 00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:19,000 "Yeah, not a problem." 791 00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:22,640 Lady gets on, sits down,  starts blowing up like a frog... 792 00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,640 I go, "What's the matter?"  I touch her all over. 793 00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:36,000 "What's the matter?" She goes, "Nuts!" Right? And dies. 794 00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:38,440 And I go, "Who's been eating nuts?" 795 00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:42,600 I get off scot-free. 796 00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:46,160 So I got to America,  I went on a chat show. 797 00:39:46,240 --> 00:39:48,440 Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. 798 00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:51,440 And I told that story, the whole thing. 799 00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:54,440 It went well, audience laughed. Great.  Went out. 800 00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:56,400 Next day on Twitter, outrage. 801 00:39:56,480 --> 00:40:00,400 By "outrage", I mean one person going, "How dare you?" 802 00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:05,840 This woman goes, "I saw you on Jimmy  Fallon, making fun of nut allergies. 803 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,440 My daughter's nut-intolerant.  How dare you?" 804 00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:10,240 I go, "Who is this woman?" 805 00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:14,120 She's tweeted 15 times.  She starts @-ing NBC and Jimmy Fallon. 806 00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,440 I go, "What's this?  How many followers? 807 00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:17,840 Twenty-three. Ignore it." 808 00:40:19,240 --> 00:40:23,240 You know when you're being told off, and they use your own words against you, 809 00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:26,200 like a teacher going,  "So, you find so and so funny?" 810 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,320 And cause the teacher's really angry, 811 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:31,200 yes, you do find that thing funny, whatever... 812 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:32,640 She said... 813 00:40:32,720 --> 00:40:35,800 "Would you find it funny if my daughter blew up like a frog?" 814 00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:39,200 Yeah. 815 00:40:39,720 --> 00:40:42,000 Yeah, you saying that... Yes. 816 00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:45,800 If you said that at the funeral,  I would, yeah... 817 00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:49,000 So, someone else gets involved. 818 00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:51,600 Ohio Moms Against Nuts, right? 819 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:55,280 And she does a blog,  and they're talking to each other, 820 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:59,000 and she puts me in her blog about how disgusting I am. 821 00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:02,920 One filmed her little girl, put it on YouTube, and sent me it. 822 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:05,760 I opened it.  Sweet little girl, seven years old. 823 00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:09,800 And she went, "Dear Mr. Gervais, I have a fatal nut allergy." 824 00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:10,720 Delete. 825 00:41:13,720 --> 00:41:15,600 Not my problem, right? 826 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:19,600 Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Right? 827 00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,760 But then one of them said something that reeled me in. 828 00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:25,400 Just cause I'm this  self-confessed Twitter police. 829 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:30,000 I try and explain to someone every day what freedom of speech means, 830 00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:32,240 particularly in the context of comedy, 831 00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:34,040 and in the context of a joke. 832 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:37,600 A joke about a bad thing isn't as bad as the bad thing, 833 00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:39,640 or necessarily condoning the bad thing. 834 00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:41,320 It could be anti the bad thing. 835 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:43,440 It depends on the actual joke. 836 00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:44,840 And this woman said... 837 00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:48,000 "You should never make jokes about food allergies." 838 00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,080 I should have left it, right? 839 00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:57,240 I sent back, "I make jokes  about AIDS, cancer, 840 00:41:57,320 --> 00:41:59,240 famine, and the Holocaust. 841 00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:03,000 And you're telling me I should never joke about food allergies?" 842 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,840 She sent back, "Yes, but the Holocaust  didn't kill children." 843 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:08,880 Well... 844 00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:12,680 it did, didn't it? 845 00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:16,120 It was horrible, the Holocaust. 846 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:18,560 Some would say as bad as food allergies. 847 00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:24,560 "Didn't kill children..." Jesus. 848 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:28,120 It did kill children. 849 00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:30,960 Hitler killed 12 million people, many of them children. 850 00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:34,480 I have to say, Hitler, you couldn't make him up. 851 00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:37,200 The worst human being to walk the face of the Earth. 852 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:38,600 He is a crazy... 853 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:39,840 evil, 854 00:42:40,240 --> 00:42:41,240 racist, 855 00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:43,640 narcissistic serial killer. 856 00:42:43,720 --> 00:42:45,120 Just terrible. 857 00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:46,800 But... 858 00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:51,760 if I was throwing a dinner party, 859 00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:54,880 and I'd been slaving over a hot stove, 860 00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:56,960 and I was getting everything ready, 861 00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:58,880 and there was one place left, 862 00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,560 and I had to... either invite Hitler 863 00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:03,760 or that little girl with food allergies... 864 00:43:10,240 --> 00:43:12,440 I know who'd ruin that party more. 865 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:16,400 Everyone's enjoying it. "Everything okay?" "Ja, ist yummy!" 866 00:43:16,480 --> 00:43:18,080 Right? He's loving it. 867 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:21,240 I go, "Cheers, you fucker!  How you doing, boy?" 868 00:43:22,240 --> 00:43:24,720 She's going, "I can't eat that."  Fucking hell. 869 00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:27,680 "Who wants Ferrero Rocher?" 870 00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:28,640 "Me!" 871 00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:30,080 "All right. Here!" 872 00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,280 "I can't eat them." Oh, fuck off home. 873 00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:34,240 Right? 874 00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:37,400 That's what the world's like. 875 00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:40,640 People see something they don't like, they expect it to stop, 876 00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:42,920 as opposed to deal with their emotions. 877 00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,880 They want us to care about their thing as much as they do. 878 00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:47,800 It's why the world is getting worse, 879 00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:49,880 and the world is getting worse. 880 00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:53,120 I think I've lived through the best 50 years of humanity... 881 00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:57,720 1965 to 2015, the peak of civlization, for everything. 882 00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:01,880 For tolerances, for freedoms, for communication, for medicine. 883 00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:03,600 Now it's going the other way a bit. 884 00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:06,600 Last couple of years, just a little blip, maybe. 885 00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:08,520 I'm not saying this because I'm old. 886 00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:10,240 Old people say things like, 887 00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:12,800 "Oh, everything was better when I was a kid." 888 00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:14,440 Course it was. You were a kid. 889 00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:17,000 Everything's better when you're a kid. 890 00:44:17,200 --> 00:44:18,880 Being old is the shit bit. 891 00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:21,320 Whatever's happening, being old is... 892 00:44:21,480 --> 00:44:25,440 I wake up these days, and I go,  "Oh fuck, I didn't die." 893 00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:29,040 Gotta do it all again. 894 00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:32,000 I'm usually hung over, headache, liver pains. 895 00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:34,040 I can't walk for the first five minutes, 896 00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,160 'cause I've got no joints in my knees. 897 00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:38,880 I'm getting fat again now, right? 898 00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:42,840 I was thin till I was about 28, proper  skinny, like nine and a half stone. 899 00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:44,960 Then I got a job, right? 900 00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:48,800 And the next, sort of, 20 years were what I call my eating years... 901 00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:52,280 And I just got steadily fatter and fatter. 902 00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:55,440 Until I reached a peak of unwellness and blobbiness, 903 00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:57,760 when I was about 48 years old. 904 00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:00,920 There was one Christmas, I was at home, lying on the floor... 905 00:45:01,520 --> 00:45:02,400 And... 906 00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:04,680 I was saying to Jane, 907 00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:07,080 "I'm having a heart attack." Right? 908 00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,920 And, honestly, my heart rate was like 130. 909 00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:14,520 I felt nauseous, I had palpitations, I was sweating. 910 00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:16,840 Because I'd eaten eleven sausages. 911 00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:22,840 True story, right? 912 00:45:23,360 --> 00:45:25,080 I was like one of them snakes. 913 00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:27,280 Like when you see a big, like... 914 00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:30,320 python swallow a pig whole. 915 00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:31,960 And then it's just fucked. 916 00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:34,440 It's, like... it'll sit there for a week. 917 00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:36,920 It's like a duffel bag.  Just there, like that. 918 00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:39,120 That was me, right? 919 00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:42,360 I wasn't having a heart attack, but it worried Jane. 920 00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:46,120 She said, "You gotta look after yourself." I thought, "You're right. 48." 921 00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:49,120 So I started working out, right,  every day. 922 00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:50,600 I didn't give anything up. 923 00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:52,000 I don't eat meat anymore. 924 00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:54,800 But I was having 2500, 3000 calories a day, 925 00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:56,720 including wine every night. 926 00:45:56,800 --> 00:45:58,600 But I burnt it off the next day. 927 00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:00,280 Just so I could do all that, 928 00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:03,320 I worked out every day,  running, weight training... 929 00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:06,160 I had more time on my hands  than the average person. 930 00:46:06,240 --> 00:46:08,760 I had a gym in my house, I had no excuse. 931 00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:10,840 I lost 20 pounds. It was great. 932 00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,280 But now, I still eat and drink too much, 933 00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:17,360 but I physically can't... burn off  the calories. I can't do enough. 934 00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:19,800 Cause I'm so old and broken and tired. 935 00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:23,080 So, I'm going to get steadily fatter and fatter again, 936 00:46:23,160 --> 00:46:25,280 and this time I am going to die. 937 00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:30,720 I'm losing my hair. It's getting really thin. 938 00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:33,320 I know it looks great from there. Cheers, but... 939 00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:36,680 No, honestly, in a lift, 940 00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:39,400 with that light directly overhead, 941 00:46:39,480 --> 00:46:42,560 and the mirror, it looks like an x-ray,  right? 942 00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:48,560 I'll have to buzz that off soon. I'd never wear a wig, oh, my god. 943 00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:52,560 If you wear a wig or a toupee,  and you think you've got away with it... 944 00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:54,720 you haven't. 945 00:46:54,800 --> 00:46:56,280 Everyone knows. 946 00:46:56,360 --> 00:46:58,280 Everyone knows immediately. 947 00:46:58,360 --> 00:47:02,640 My brain knows a wig has come  into the room before I do, right? 948 00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:06,480 I could be at a party, it'll go, "There's a wig in here." 949 00:47:06,560 --> 00:47:09,120 -I go. "Is there?" -"Yes! There is, yeah!" 950 00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:12,480 Spidey senses for the wig. 951 00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:13,400 It's obvious. 952 00:47:14,120 --> 00:47:16,480 The way they smile,  like nothing's wrong. 953 00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:17,400 Hiya. 954 00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:21,520 It's the telltale signs, isn't it? 955 00:47:22,520 --> 00:47:25,480 I was put off wigs for life by my Uncle Reginald. 956 00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:29,640 Great bloke. He's dead now. Died a few years ago. I was only little. 957 00:47:29,760 --> 00:47:31,520 He went bald in his twenties. 958 00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:33,800 Tragically bald. His hair fell out. 959 00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:36,600 It might have been something like alopecia 960 00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:40,160 But he was bald for ten years into his thirties. 961 00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:42,080 Turns up one day at our house... 962 00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:44,000 "Elvis! What is--" 963 00:47:46,640 --> 00:47:47,800 I was about eight, 964 00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:50,680 I said to Auntie Edna, "What happened?" She went, 965 00:47:50,760 --> 00:47:53,120 "It was a miracle." 966 00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:55,080 They were lying! They were just... 967 00:47:55,160 --> 00:47:57,280 Everyone knew he was bald! 968 00:47:57,520 --> 00:48:01,200 But he'd embroiled his family in the lie, so they had to lie as well. 969 00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:03,640 They're going, "Yeah, it just grew back." 970 00:48:03,720 --> 00:48:07,880 There's so much he wouldn't do, cause he was terrified of the wig coming off. 971 00:48:08,800 --> 00:48:11,680 We weren't allowed balloons at parties,  right? 972 00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:16,200 Auntie Edna said, "Reg is allergic  to balloons." He wasn't allergic. 973 00:48:16,280 --> 00:48:19,880 He was terrified one of us kids would rub one on our sweater, 974 00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:22,760 and his wig would fly across the room. 975 00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:27,040 We've got photos in the family album. 976 00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:30,680 If he's at a wedding or a christening, and he's holding a baby, 977 00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:32,400 it's always at arms' length. 978 00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:34,760 Like that. So it can't grab his wig. 979 00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:38,080 It must have been on his mind  all the time, right? 980 00:48:38,160 --> 00:48:41,520 It was the only thing he feared, the wig coming off in public, 981 00:48:41,600 --> 00:48:43,640 and this ridiculous lie being exposed. 982 00:48:43,720 --> 00:48:45,800 He was in the Army, hard as nails. 983 00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:48,960 He wasn't scared of anyone or anything. Spiders, snakes... 984 00:48:49,040 --> 00:48:50,200 cancer... 985 00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:51,840 How's the chemo going, Uncle? 986 00:48:51,920 --> 00:48:53,240 "Not a problem." 987 00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:58,840 We've got a photo of him,  the last year, I think. 988 00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:02,280 He was 75. It must have been the last year he was alive. 989 00:49:02,360 --> 00:49:04,640 It was a hot day. He was in the garden. 990 00:49:04,720 --> 00:49:06,080 In his little trunks. 991 00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,280 He was a wizened little man by then. 992 00:49:08,360 --> 00:49:11,240 White chest hair. Jet black wig still! 993 00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:14,360 Died in it, buried in it. 994 00:49:14,440 --> 00:49:15,800 He's wearing it now. 995 00:49:16,720 --> 00:49:19,320 A little skeleton with jet black hair. 996 00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:23,280 Like Posh Spice for eternity. 997 00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:27,680 But I knew that was gonna happen. 998 00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:30,400 I knew I would get old and fat and... 999 00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:32,840 ill and blind and deaf and... 1000 00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:36,720 shit myself and be pushed round in a fucking bucket. 1001 00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:42,120 You're ready, because you're warned. You know about getting old. 1002 00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:45,120 What they don't talk about, so you're not prepared, 1003 00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:47,000 and it was a shock to me... 1004 00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:50,080 I only found out recently,  I'll share it with you now. 1005 00:49:50,960 --> 00:49:52,520 The distending testicles. 1006 00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:55,400 See, you don't know about it. 1007 00:49:55,480 --> 00:49:57,480 But it happens in your fifties. 1008 00:49:57,560 --> 00:49:59,920 I wasn't checking them or anything... 1009 00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:01,720 I didn't see 'em for 20 years. 1010 00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:05,000 As a young man, they were pert, 1011 00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:07,200 and now they're like two plums in a sock. 1012 00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:09,720 I don't know when it happened, 1013 00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:11,960 but it was recently. They just... 1014 00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:14,000 And this is how I found out. 1015 00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:16,080 So, as I've been getting older, 1016 00:50:16,160 --> 00:50:18,600 and they've been secretly  stretching away... 1017 00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:21,440 as I've got older, I've got richer, 1018 00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:24,240 so my baths have been getting more luxurious. 1019 00:50:25,720 --> 00:50:28,440 Last year, I moved into a new house in Hampstead. 1020 00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:30,480 Big bath. Big sunken bath. 1021 00:50:31,120 --> 00:50:32,320 South-facing windows. 1022 00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:35,120 I was in there the first night.  Lovely bath. 1023 00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:38,360 Sun streaming in, classical music, this is the life. 1024 00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:39,400 I looked down. 1025 00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:41,480 And they're floating. 1026 00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:42,920 Right? 1027 00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:48,000 Now, I'd never dreamt  that testicles would float. 1028 00:50:48,320 --> 00:50:50,040 They seem like they'd be heavy. 1029 00:50:50,600 --> 00:50:53,840 You could tie things down with them, and they'd sink. You know? 1030 00:50:54,520 --> 00:50:56,320 Most people never see their... 1031 00:50:56,400 --> 00:50:59,480 In the sea, you're in trunks, in the shower, they dangle, 1032 00:50:59,560 --> 00:51:01,320 and baths aren't usually that deep! 1033 00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:04,280 That was my first thought. "Oh, my god, 1034 00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:06,680 I never thought testicles would float." 1035 00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:09,760 Then my second thought kicked in. 1036 00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:11,960 "Hold on, this bath's two feet deep!" 1037 00:51:12,040 --> 00:51:12,880 Right? 1038 00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:16,440 I'm sitting on the bottom, they're on top. 1039 00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:17,560 What's going on? 1040 00:51:18,120 --> 00:51:18,960 Right? 1041 00:51:19,040 --> 00:51:19,880 And... 1042 00:51:20,680 --> 00:51:21,520 I looked, 1043 00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:24,800 and my testicles are now longer  than my penis. 1044 00:51:25,880 --> 00:51:29,200 Easily, by some way, right? 1045 00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:31,040 In fact, they'd created, 1046 00:51:31,120 --> 00:51:34,520 a little, fleshy sort of life raft, right? 1047 00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:38,760 My penis was dry, just nestled, just... 1048 00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:39,960 floating on top. 1049 00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:41,520 Like that. Like that. 1050 00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:43,320 Just bouncing around. 1051 00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:47,120 I should have given it a little whistle. 1052 00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:53,400 I'm just thinking, "This is bizarre." 1053 00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:54,720 Fucking hell, right? 1054 00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:56,040 And... 1055 00:51:56,120 --> 00:51:57,760 I thought, "Maybe it's a fluke." 1056 00:51:57,840 --> 00:52:01,040 So I held them under the water  for a minute, 1057 00:52:01,120 --> 00:52:03,120 I let them go and they bobbed up! 1058 00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:06,600 They're really...  They're really buoyant, right? 1059 00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:09,680 Try it when you get home,  if you're in your 50s. 1060 00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:11,440 And a man, obviously. 1061 00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:14,160 Or Caitlyn Jenner. 1062 00:52:16,840 --> 00:52:17,680 But... 1063 00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:23,560 But the world is getting worse. 1064 00:52:24,160 --> 00:52:27,920 And I blame the beginning of its demise on social media. 1065 00:52:28,840 --> 00:52:33,520 Because Twitter and Facebook, that's where this ridiculous notion bred, 1066 00:52:33,600 --> 00:52:35,320 and became stable, 1067 00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:38,720 that it was more important to be popular  than right. 1068 00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:42,680 Everything was "like me", "agree with me". It falls into two tribes. 1069 00:52:42,760 --> 00:52:45,160 "I don't agree with them,  so I block them." 1070 00:52:45,240 --> 00:52:47,080 And now, in this post-truth era, 1071 00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:49,480 people don't care about the argument, 1072 00:52:49,560 --> 00:52:52,080 they say, "Who's saying the argument? 1073 00:52:52,160 --> 00:52:53,840 No, they're not on our side." 1074 00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:55,520 It's ludicrous, okay? 1075 00:52:55,880 --> 00:52:59,280 And it also bred this ridiculous notion we've always had. 1076 00:52:59,360 --> 00:53:01,880 My opinion is worth as much as yours. 1077 00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:04,800 Now, it's my opinion is worth as much as your fact, 1078 00:53:04,880 --> 00:53:06,040 which is nonsense. 1079 00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:07,800 I get tweets from people saying, 1080 00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:10,560 "I believe the Earth is 6,000 years old." 1081 00:53:10,960 --> 00:53:12,840 "I believe you're a fucking idiot." 1082 00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,200 You can't have an opinion  on the age of the Earth. 1083 00:53:16,280 --> 00:53:18,840 You can have opinions,  but not your own facts. 1084 00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:22,040 But it was all about being popular, right? 1085 00:53:22,120 --> 00:53:24,880 And even politicians  picked up those symptoms. 1086 00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:27,280 Politicians tweet now, they want to be popular. 1087 00:53:27,360 --> 00:53:30,080 We had a Brexit referendum cause they passed the buck. 1088 00:53:30,160 --> 00:53:32,280 They didn't want to make a mistake. 1089 00:53:32,360 --> 00:53:34,160 And there's a ridiculous thing of, 1090 00:53:34,240 --> 00:53:36,920 "Let's ask the average person  what they think." 1091 00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:40,240 Let's stop asking the average person  what they... 1092 00:53:40,320 --> 00:53:43,080 Do you know how fucking stupid the average person is? 1093 00:53:50,080 --> 00:53:52,600 We still sell bottles of bleach 1094 00:53:52,680 --> 00:53:54,320 with big labels on 1095 00:53:54,400 --> 00:53:56,520 that say "Do not drink". 1096 00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:57,440 Right? 1097 00:53:57,520 --> 00:54:00,080 Let's take those labels off, right? 1098 00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:02,120 For two years. 1099 00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:04,360 And then have a referendum. 1100 00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:16,200 But it's not just politicians.  Even real news. 1101 00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:18,360 The news on TV says things like, 1102 00:54:18,440 --> 00:54:19,720 "Tweet us your news." 1103 00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:21,720 Don't let them tweet you the news! 1104 00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:24,840 -"I saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."  -You liar! Right? 1105 00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:28,560 There was a big news story last year, 1106 00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:32,000 about a train crash that happened  a year before, 1107 00:54:32,080 --> 00:54:33,480 and there was an inquiry. 1108 00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:35,960 The results of the inquiry were published 1109 00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:38,480 and there was an expert on the news. 1110 00:54:38,560 --> 00:54:41,040 He said, "We've looked at everything, 1111 00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:43,840 and we've decided that the speed  of the trains 1112 00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:45,480 was a contributing factor, 1113 00:54:45,560 --> 00:54:47,960 so we're going to slow them down a bit. 1114 00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:50,560 Statistically, this shouldn't happen again." 1115 00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:51,840 That would have been it. 1116 00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:54,960 But the guy went, "We asked the public  what they thought." 1117 00:54:56,560 --> 00:54:58,720 Then there was three banal vox pops. 1118 00:54:58,800 --> 00:55:02,080 First one said,  "I already pay £960 a year, 1119 00:55:02,160 --> 00:55:03,760 so I'm not happy." 1120 00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,920 The next one said, "It takes me 45 minutes each way, 1121 00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:08,320 it's not good enough." 1122 00:55:08,400 --> 00:55:09,880 The last one said, 1123 00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:13,320 "I say it's better to arrive at work late  than dead." 1124 00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:18,000 Why is that on the news? 1125 00:55:18,080 --> 00:55:20,840 And when is that applicable  in any situation? 1126 00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:23,960 All right, Ted? You're in early. 1127 00:55:24,680 --> 00:55:25,520 Ted? 1128 00:55:29,080 --> 00:55:30,680 Oh, Ted! 1129 00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:33,960 We've been through this. 1130 00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:36,720 Remember I said I'd rather you arrive late than dead? 1131 00:55:41,200 --> 00:55:42,760 But... the big enemy 1132 00:55:43,360 --> 00:55:45,000 is stupidity... right? 1133 00:55:45,440 --> 00:55:48,040 I wanna share with you  the most stupid tweet I ever got. 1134 00:55:48,920 --> 00:55:51,520 Now, admittedly, when I first got  on Twitter, 1135 00:55:51,600 --> 00:55:54,040 I pushed my agenda. I was an outspoken atheist. 1136 00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:56,960 Not to change anyone's opinions. 1137 00:55:57,200 --> 00:55:59,920 I thought it was important to tell the other side. 1138 00:56:00,240 --> 00:56:02,560 There are still 13 countries where people 1139 00:56:02,640 --> 00:56:04,960 are put to death for being an atheist. 1140 00:56:05,200 --> 00:56:08,400 I just wanted to say, "It's fine to be an atheist. 1141 00:56:08,480 --> 00:56:11,280 It's fine to believe in God, and it's fine not to." 1142 00:56:11,360 --> 00:56:13,360 That's all I was saying. 1143 00:56:13,440 --> 00:56:15,280 I realized I didn't have to tweet 1144 00:56:15,360 --> 00:56:17,040 about religion or atheism. 1145 00:56:17,120 --> 00:56:18,080 I could tweet a fact, 1146 00:56:18,160 --> 00:56:20,360 and that annoyed just the right people. 1147 00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:24,680 I'd tweet things like "Happy birthday, Earth. 1148 00:56:24,760 --> 00:56:26,800 Four point six billion years old today." 1149 00:56:26,920 --> 00:56:28,320 Someone would always go, 1150 00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:30,400 "We know what you're fucking doing." 1151 00:56:36,240 --> 00:56:38,640 This is a tweet I got after one of those. 1152 00:56:39,440 --> 00:56:41,720 And... it was all in capitals, 1153 00:56:41,800 --> 00:56:42,920 which excited me... 1154 00:56:44,720 --> 00:56:46,800 That's the sign of Twitter madness. 1155 00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:49,280 Mixed with anger. It's great, right? 1156 00:56:49,360 --> 00:56:50,680 I looked at his profile. 1157 00:56:50,760 --> 00:56:52,920 Sure enough, he's a gentleman from Texas. 1158 00:56:53,000 --> 00:56:56,200 He's a fundamentalist,  creationist Christian. 1159 00:56:56,280 --> 00:56:57,200 Which is fine! 1160 00:56:57,280 --> 00:56:59,640 He loves God. He loves God and... 1161 00:56:59,720 --> 00:57:01,440 fetuses, mainly. 1162 00:57:02,400 --> 00:57:04,280 He loves the fetus from conception 1163 00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:06,840 to when it turns out gay, and then he's... 1164 00:57:16,680 --> 00:57:19,240 Remember it's in capitals.  He's shouting at me. 1165 00:57:20,040 --> 00:57:21,160 Best tweet ever. 1166 00:57:22,160 --> 00:57:23,480 "YOUR SCIENCE--" 1167 00:57:23,560 --> 00:57:25,200 My science, right? 1168 00:57:25,280 --> 00:57:29,800 Science, by the way, is spelled S-C-I-E-N-T-S. 1169 00:57:30,840 --> 00:57:32,720 Already good, isn't it? I mean... 1170 00:57:33,440 --> 00:57:36,480 He's obviously heard the word, he took a guess... 1171 00:57:38,320 --> 00:57:42,640 Never seen it written down, because it's not in the Bible. So he's... 1172 00:57:46,760 --> 00:57:48,320 "YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU... 1173 00:57:48,400 --> 00:57:49,720 Well, it will. 1174 00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:52,520 It's helping him... 1175 00:57:52,600 --> 00:57:55,680 beam this little message  up to a satellite and down to me. 1176 00:58:00,200 --> 00:58:02,960 "YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU WHEN SATAN..." 1177 00:58:03,440 --> 00:58:05,680 Of course he believes in Satan. Why not? 1178 00:58:05,760 --> 00:58:08,760 He believes that God made the universe in six days. 1179 00:58:08,840 --> 00:58:11,600 You're not gonna say to him, "Do you believe in Satan?" 1180 00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:13,520 And have him say, "Bit far-fetched." 1181 00:58:18,280 --> 00:58:20,360 Why doesn't God kill Satan? 1182 00:58:21,920 --> 00:58:23,800 That's... what I'd ask him. 1183 00:58:23,880 --> 00:58:25,360 If I was wrong and I met God, 1184 00:58:25,440 --> 00:58:27,000 I'd go, "Oh, you do exist." 1185 00:58:27,080 --> 00:58:28,000 He'd go, "Yeah." 1186 00:58:28,080 --> 00:58:30,560 I'd go, "I've got  a few fucking questions, mate. 1187 00:58:33,120 --> 00:58:34,520 The first one would be, 1188 00:58:34,600 --> 00:58:36,960 "Why did you make chocolate kill dogs?" 1189 00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:42,600 Mental, right? 1190 00:58:45,040 --> 00:58:48,560 Also, if you hate homosexuality so much, 1191 00:58:48,640 --> 00:58:51,760 why did you put the male G-spot up the arse? 1192 00:58:51,840 --> 00:58:52,680 What... 1193 00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:57,960 What is wrong with you? 1194 00:58:59,240 --> 00:59:00,080 Then I'd say, 1195 00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,240 "Why don't you kill Satan?" 1196 00:59:02,320 --> 00:59:03,760 And he'd go, "What?" 1197 00:59:03,840 --> 00:59:06,400 I'd go, "Why don't you kill Satan? 1198 00:59:06,480 --> 00:59:07,960 If he does all the bad stuff 1199 00:59:08,040 --> 00:59:10,920 and you do all the good stuff,  which you want... 1200 00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:12,320 I mean, you do want--" 1201 00:59:12,400 --> 00:59:13,280 "Yes, yeah." 1202 00:59:13,360 --> 00:59:16,800 "You could kill him if you wanted, you can do anything, easy." 1203 00:59:16,880 --> 00:59:17,720 "Yeah." 1204 00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:19,640 "Why don't you kill him, then?" 1205 00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:21,120 "Because... 1206 00:59:22,040 --> 00:59:23,000 Shut up." 1207 00:59:29,320 --> 00:59:31,040 "YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU 1208 00:59:31,120 --> 00:59:34,600 WHEN SATAN IS RAPING YOUR BRITISH ASS." 1209 00:59:43,640 --> 00:59:45,200 And he's got a point. 1210 00:59:47,800 --> 00:59:49,480 Because if I die, 1211 00:59:49,560 --> 00:59:51,520 and I find myself in Hell, 1212 00:59:51,600 --> 00:59:53,400 being raped by Satan... 1213 00:59:54,040 --> 00:59:56,520 Science has pretty much let me down. 1214 01:00:02,160 --> 01:00:05,240 But it's this last line  that he just throws away. 1215 01:00:05,320 --> 01:00:06,760 The line he signs off with, 1216 01:00:06,840 --> 01:00:09,160 makes this the best tweet  I've ever received. 1217 01:00:09,240 --> 01:00:13,600 "YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU WHEN SATAN IS RAPING YOUR BRITISH ASS. 1218 01:00:13,680 --> 01:00:14,880 I'LL BE LAUGHING." 1219 01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:18,640 So... he's there too! He's... 1220 01:00:23,280 --> 01:00:26,120 So, he's a fundamentalist... Christian, 1221 01:00:26,200 --> 01:00:28,840 who's lived his life  by the Old and New Testaments. 1222 01:00:28,920 --> 01:00:31,520 He dies, he wakes up in Hell, right? 1223 01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:34,080 Which must be off the charts 1224 01:00:34,160 --> 01:00:37,680 on the scale of emotional trauma... 1225 01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:39,160 "Oh, my God, I'm in Hell! 1226 01:00:39,240 --> 01:00:41,360 Oh, my God, why have you forsaken me? 1227 01:00:41,440 --> 01:00:44,240 I'm gonna be tortured for eternity!" 1228 01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:47,000 He sees me getting raped and goes, "Ha, ha, ha!" 1229 01:00:50,400 --> 01:00:52,160 He's suddenly over it, is he? 1230 01:00:52,240 --> 01:00:55,320 His day's suddenly got  a little bit brighter. 1231 01:00:56,760 --> 01:00:59,040 And like he's not next, right? 1232 01:00:59,120 --> 01:01:03,360 So I'm getting raped, right, by the Devil, right? 1233 01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:07,200 He's just there.  "You fucking atheist scum." 1234 01:01:07,800 --> 01:01:09,560 And I'm like that. "Yeah, whatever." 1235 01:01:09,640 --> 01:01:12,920 I assume it happens all eternity. "Yeah, yeah, whatever." 1236 01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:14,400 Like that. 1237 01:01:14,480 --> 01:01:17,120 I might say, "Watch your hooves on my testicles." 1238 01:01:21,040 --> 01:01:23,560 And he'd go, "Why are they so distended?" 1239 01:01:23,640 --> 01:01:26,640 And I go, "Oh, like you're Brad Pitt!" 1240 01:01:26,720 --> 01:01:28,160 You know what I mean? 1241 01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:30,280 Sorry, are we talking or raping? 1242 01:01:30,360 --> 01:01:31,200 Can we... 1243 01:01:35,680 --> 01:01:38,600 "You lying, fucking atheist." He's probably bored. 1244 01:01:38,680 --> 01:01:41,760 "Fucking atheists. Every fucking day." Right? 1245 01:01:41,840 --> 01:01:44,360 His little gargoyle comes up. "Satan?" 1246 01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:46,400 He goes, "What?" And I go, "Yeah? What?" 1247 01:01:47,040 --> 01:01:49,440 He goes,  "There's a fundamentalist Christian." 1248 01:01:49,520 --> 01:01:52,360 "Fuck this!"  He'd be on him like a ton of bricks! 1249 01:01:54,280 --> 01:01:56,680 So... I got that tweet. 1250 01:01:56,760 --> 01:01:59,800 I loved it. All I did was re-tweet, right? 1251 01:02:00,880 --> 01:02:05,960 And just watch the fun, people piling on, going, "Ah, loser!" 1252 01:02:06,040 --> 01:02:08,480 And he's fighting back, really witlessly, 1253 01:02:08,560 --> 01:02:11,800 saying things like, "Go fuck your sister, you English faggot!" 1254 01:02:16,200 --> 01:02:18,680 That makes no sense at all. 1255 01:02:21,120 --> 01:02:23,600 I forgot about it.  Went and did something else. 1256 01:02:23,680 --> 01:02:25,760 Few hours later, on Twitter again. 1257 01:02:25,840 --> 01:02:27,800 It's still all going off, right? 1258 01:02:27,880 --> 01:02:31,000 It's really funny,  I'm laughing at all the replies. 1259 01:02:31,080 --> 01:02:34,080 People saying things to him.  I'm scrolling down. 1260 01:02:34,160 --> 01:02:37,760 There's one tweet, directly to me, from this woman. She says, 1261 01:02:37,840 --> 01:02:39,480 "You find rape funny?" 1262 01:02:39,560 --> 01:02:41,280 No! No! What? 1263 01:02:41,360 --> 01:02:42,200 No... 1264 01:02:42,280 --> 01:02:44,000 "Your mates find rape funny?" 1265 01:02:44,080 --> 01:02:45,000 No! Listen, right? 1266 01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:46,400 "You find rape funny?" 1267 01:02:46,480 --> 01:02:48,840 Listen, everyone! Listen, right? No... 1268 01:02:48,920 --> 01:02:51,600 I said to her, "I didn't tweet that." 1269 01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:54,800 -She went, "You retweeted it." -To show he's an idiot. 1270 01:02:54,880 --> 01:02:57,600 "But you must find it funny or amusing. 1271 01:02:57,680 --> 01:02:59,360 It's not a frivolous thing." 1272 01:02:59,440 --> 01:03:03,880 I said, "No, well, it's up to him,  isn't it? He can do it." 1273 01:03:03,960 --> 01:03:06,720 Now I'm arguing with quite a nice, sane person, 1274 01:03:06,800 --> 01:03:08,360 who thinks this is mental. 1275 01:03:08,600 --> 01:03:10,640 But I'm fighting for his right... 1276 01:03:12,880 --> 01:03:16,360 to fantasize about me being raped by the Devil. 1277 01:03:17,800 --> 01:03:20,240 Because I'm so conscious  of "freedom of speech"... 1278 01:03:20,320 --> 01:03:22,880 What a topsy-turvy world, right? 1279 01:03:22,960 --> 01:03:26,240 Although her opening gambit  annoyed me a bit. 1280 01:03:26,320 --> 01:03:28,680 Because she did that thing that people do. 1281 01:03:28,760 --> 01:03:32,120 She didn't say, "What, you find jokes about rape funny?" 1282 01:03:32,200 --> 01:03:34,440 She said, "What, you find rape funny?" 1283 01:03:35,000 --> 01:03:38,840 The answer to that is, no, of course not. No one finds rape funny. 1284 01:03:38,920 --> 01:03:42,240 Not even rapists find rape funny, know what I mean? 1285 01:03:42,320 --> 01:03:46,320 Noone ever gives evidence saying, "It was dark, he wore a ski mask, 1286 01:03:46,400 --> 01:03:47,520 and he was giggling." 1287 01:03:47,600 --> 01:03:48,560 That's never... 1288 01:03:54,360 --> 01:03:56,520 So... I sent back, 1289 01:03:56,920 --> 01:03:59,560 "You mean jokes about rape?" She said, "Yes." 1290 01:03:59,640 --> 01:04:03,240 -I went, "Depends on the joke." "-It fucking doesn't!" 1291 01:04:03,320 --> 01:04:06,280 I'm going, "No, it does! It does!  It depends on the joke. 1292 01:04:07,520 --> 01:04:09,480 It's about context, it's about content. 1293 01:04:10,120 --> 01:04:11,640 What do you mean by a rape joke?" 1294 01:04:11,720 --> 01:04:15,200 She said, "Even a joke with  the word 'rape' in it is unacceptable." 1295 01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:18,720 I said, "That's ridiculous, it depends what the joke is." 1296 01:04:18,800 --> 01:04:21,840 I tweeted that clip of me  in The Office, going, 1297 01:04:21,920 --> 01:04:24,840 "I think there's been a rape up there!" 1298 01:04:29,680 --> 01:04:32,520 Everyone gets that because of the context. 1299 01:04:32,600 --> 01:04:34,720 And the target is a middle-aged man, 1300 01:04:34,800 --> 01:04:38,400 who's so narcissistic,  he'll say anything to win a silly game. 1301 01:04:38,480 --> 01:04:41,880 You have to understand the joke and where it comes from. 1302 01:04:41,960 --> 01:04:44,360 I said, "Some jokes don't punch up or down. 1303 01:04:44,440 --> 01:04:45,880 They don't punch anywhere. 1304 01:04:45,960 --> 01:04:49,920 They can just be a pun, a play on words, that don't really mean anything." 1305 01:04:50,600 --> 01:04:53,840 A joke went round when I was a kid, even adults told it. 1306 01:04:53,920 --> 01:04:55,040 I'll tell you. 1307 01:04:55,120 --> 01:04:57,760 A woman goes running  into a police station. 1308 01:04:57,840 --> 01:04:59,720 She says, "Help, I've been graped!" 1309 01:04:59,800 --> 01:05:02,160 The policeman says, "Do you mean raped?" 1310 01:05:02,240 --> 01:05:04,040 She says, "No, there was a bunch of them." 1311 01:05:12,240 --> 01:05:13,840 That is a rape joke, right? 1312 01:05:14,560 --> 01:05:15,400 So.... 1313 01:05:15,480 --> 01:05:18,960 And I even said to her,  "No, I agree, in most cases, yeah. 1314 01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:23,400 Real rape jokes, they are fucking horrible when the victim is the target. 1315 01:05:23,480 --> 01:05:25,480 Disgusting! I'd never tell those. 1316 01:05:25,560 --> 01:05:29,160 But it depends on the joke, not the word or the subject." 1317 01:05:29,240 --> 01:05:32,800 I calmed it down, and they agreed some jokes are worse than others. 1318 01:05:33,520 --> 01:05:34,840 She ended it by saying, 1319 01:05:34,920 --> 01:05:38,600 "Well, okay, I see your point,  but... still... 1320 01:05:38,680 --> 01:05:42,240 I will laugh at a joke  with the word 'rape' in it, 1321 01:05:42,320 --> 01:05:44,760 when no-one in the audience has been raped." 1322 01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:47,480 I should have left it. 1323 01:05:49,200 --> 01:05:51,920 I just sent back, 1324 01:05:59,680 --> 01:06:01,120 "What a weird door policy." 1325 01:06:02,800 --> 01:06:05,160 You turn up to a comedy gig,  pay your money, 1326 01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:07,760 someone says, "Can I just ask you a question?" 1327 01:06:07,840 --> 01:06:08,680 Yeah. 1328 01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:10,760 Have you ever been raped? 1329 01:06:10,840 --> 01:06:11,800 I have, yes. 1330 01:06:11,880 --> 01:06:13,080 You can't come in. 1331 01:06:14,400 --> 01:06:15,280 What? Why? 1332 01:06:15,360 --> 01:06:17,640 A lady says she won't laugh if you're in. 1333 01:06:17,720 --> 01:06:18,560 Off you go. 1334 01:06:20,320 --> 01:06:23,920 That's what the world is like. People take everything personally. 1335 01:06:25,000 --> 01:06:27,600 They think the world revolves around them, particularly on Twitter. 1336 01:06:27,680 --> 01:06:30,080 I'm not tweeting anyone, I'm just tweeting. 1337 01:06:30,160 --> 01:06:34,160 I don't know who's following me. I've got 12 million followers. 1338 01:06:34,240 --> 01:06:36,440 They can be following me without me knowing, 1339 01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:40,560 choose to read my tweet, and then take that personally. 1340 01:06:40,640 --> 01:06:42,760 That's like going into a town square, 1341 01:06:42,840 --> 01:06:44,680 seeing a big noticeboard saying 1342 01:06:44,760 --> 01:06:46,680 "Guitar lessons", and you go, 1343 01:06:46,760 --> 01:06:49,520 "But I don't fucking want guitar lessons!" 1344 01:06:59,600 --> 01:07:00,520 What's this? 1345 01:07:01,560 --> 01:07:04,200 There's a number here. Right, call that. 1346 01:07:05,200 --> 01:07:07,080 Are you giving guitar lessons? 1347 01:07:07,160 --> 01:07:08,720 I don't fucking want any! 1348 01:07:10,480 --> 01:07:13,720 Fine! It's not for you, then.  Just walk away. 1349 01:07:14,400 --> 01:07:15,640 Don't worry about it. 1350 01:07:17,840 --> 01:07:20,120 I should say one thing  in Twitter's defense. 1351 01:07:20,200 --> 01:07:24,440 I use it as a marketing tool and for fun, like everyone else. 1352 01:07:24,520 --> 01:07:28,360 But one great thing about Twitter, for me, personally, 1353 01:07:28,800 --> 01:07:30,640 I'm very into anti-animal cruelty. 1354 01:07:30,720 --> 01:07:35,920 Years ago, it would take ages to get 100,000 signatures on a petition. 1355 01:07:36,000 --> 01:07:38,080 Standing outside Tesco's or something. 1356 01:07:38,160 --> 01:07:41,960 That's the magic number, because then it gets heard in Parliament. 1357 01:07:42,040 --> 01:07:45,440 I've been part of many campaigns  through Twitter 1358 01:07:45,520 --> 01:07:49,440 when we've got 100,000 signatures in days, and the law has been changed. 1359 01:07:49,880 --> 01:07:52,760 Thank you to those who've retweeted about animal cruelty. 1360 01:07:52,840 --> 01:07:54,000 It makes a difference. 1361 01:07:54,440 --> 01:07:55,280 Thank you. 1362 01:08:01,200 --> 01:08:05,200 But even something as clear and distinct as animal cruelty, 1363 01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:07,360 You think no one's gonna argue with that. 1364 01:08:07,840 --> 01:08:10,240 Yes, they will. 1365 01:08:10,320 --> 01:08:12,120 They just wanna be heard. 1366 01:08:12,200 --> 01:08:15,040 I'll tweet something about  a bull being tortured 1367 01:08:15,120 --> 01:08:17,040 in a bullring for entertainment. 1368 01:08:17,120 --> 01:08:18,560 I say, "Ban bullfighting." 1369 01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:21,520 Someone always says, "What about the kids in Syria?" 1370 01:08:21,600 --> 01:08:22,520 What? 1371 01:08:25,480 --> 01:08:27,480 Well, I'm not giving you a choice. 1372 01:08:29,680 --> 01:08:32,080 You can do both. I'm not saying, 1373 01:08:32,160 --> 01:08:34,920 "Throw that kid back in the hole, there's a bull here!" 1374 01:08:38,000 --> 01:08:41,240 And there's one thing that I didn't want in my head, 1375 01:08:41,320 --> 01:08:45,400 but it exists, so we have to deal with it now that I found out, through Twitter. 1376 01:08:45,480 --> 01:08:48,280 There's a thing called  the Yulin Dog Meat Festival, 1377 01:08:48,360 --> 01:08:49,640 in China, every year. 1378 01:08:49,720 --> 01:08:50,800 And it's horrendous. 1379 01:08:50,880 --> 01:08:54,360 And we send people with money to buy the dogs, 1380 01:08:54,440 --> 01:08:56,200 to bring them back. 1381 01:08:56,320 --> 01:08:59,320 It's a drop in the ocean. They eat thousands over this weekend. 1382 01:09:00,400 --> 01:09:02,320 I tweet the details, 1383 01:09:02,400 --> 01:09:04,920 the petition, people don't really read it. 1384 01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:07,880 It's a knee-jerk. People say, "Racist!" 1385 01:09:07,960 --> 01:09:08,840 I go, "What?" 1386 01:09:08,920 --> 01:09:11,760 They go,  "We eat pigs and cows in the West." 1387 01:09:11,840 --> 01:09:14,280 Yep, we do. I don't but, yeah, I used to. 1388 01:09:14,360 --> 01:09:16,560 You're right, a pig or a cow 1389 01:09:16,640 --> 01:09:18,320 is worth as much as a dog. 1390 01:09:18,400 --> 01:09:21,560 It's not about the species. It's what they do to these poor dogs. 1391 01:09:21,680 --> 01:09:24,760 What they do is torture the dogs first. 1392 01:09:24,840 --> 01:09:26,920 'Cause they think  it makes the meat taste better. 1393 01:09:27,240 --> 01:09:29,640 They beat them, they blowtorch them. 1394 01:09:29,720 --> 01:09:31,400 They even skin them alive. 1395 01:09:31,480 --> 01:09:33,120 And I saw this picture... 1396 01:09:33,200 --> 01:09:35,760 on Twitter of the opening of this ceremony. 1397 01:09:36,840 --> 01:09:40,040 These two guys, in this Chinese square, and they're skinning this dog alive. 1398 01:09:40,120 --> 01:09:43,640 It's screaming, they're laughing. It's the worst thing I've ever seen. 1399 01:09:43,760 --> 01:09:46,120 I thought, "I've got to tweet that." 1400 01:09:46,200 --> 01:09:49,560 I tweeted the picture, with a petition, and I just said, 1401 01:09:49,640 --> 01:09:53,800 "One beautiful creature, and two ugly cunts, skinning it alive." 1402 01:09:53,880 --> 01:09:55,480 Right? And it took off. 1403 01:09:55,560 --> 01:09:57,400 Loads of retweets, it made the press. 1404 01:09:57,840 --> 01:10:00,840 I got one tweet back, from a woman, that said, 1405 01:10:00,920 --> 01:10:02,480 "Is that language necessary?" 1406 01:10:09,160 --> 01:10:11,040 I should have left it, right? 1407 01:10:12,720 --> 01:10:15,120 But I was... I was incensed! I said, 1408 01:10:15,200 --> 01:10:18,400 "You're more offended by a word 1409 01:10:18,480 --> 01:10:20,840 than by an animal being  tortured to death?" 1410 01:10:21,040 --> 01:10:23,520 She said, "I just hate the C-word." 1411 01:10:24,640 --> 01:10:26,280 I definitely should have left it. 1412 01:10:27,760 --> 01:10:31,400 I sent back, "People who hate the C-word would hear it a lot less, 1413 01:10:31,480 --> 01:10:33,880 if they didn't go round acting like such cunts." 1414 01:10:34,280 --> 01:10:35,160 Thank you! 1415 01:10:35,240 --> 01:10:37,440 You've been fantastic! Good night! 1416 01:10:59,200 --> 01:11:01,600 Cheers! Thank you so much! 1417 01:11:04,400 --> 01:11:05,600 Thank you so much. 1418 01:11:06,240 --> 01:11:07,760 I hope you enjoyed the show. 1419 01:11:07,840 --> 01:11:09,440 I hope no-one was offended. 1420 01:11:10,080 --> 01:11:12,000 No, I really do! That's not the point. 1421 01:11:12,080 --> 01:11:13,840 I've always wanted people to know 1422 01:11:13,920 --> 01:11:15,600 they can laugh at bad things, 1423 01:11:15,680 --> 01:11:16,920 without being bad people. 1424 01:11:17,120 --> 01:11:18,600 I think it's my upbringing. 1425 01:11:18,880 --> 01:11:21,440 I grew up... in poverty, with nothing. 1426 01:11:22,160 --> 01:11:24,000 But the point was to pay your way 1427 01:11:24,080 --> 01:11:25,240 then have a laugh. 1428 01:11:25,320 --> 01:11:27,760 That was the men.  The women carried on working. 1429 01:11:32,120 --> 01:11:33,440 It was my older brother, Bob, 1430 01:11:33,520 --> 01:11:37,040 it was him who I first saw making these dark jokes, 1431 01:11:37,120 --> 01:11:40,280 right in the bad situation, as things were happening. 1432 01:11:41,400 --> 01:11:44,200 People were laughing. I realized, "He's healing them." 1433 01:11:44,280 --> 01:11:46,720 That's what comedy's for,  what humor's for. 1434 01:11:46,800 --> 01:11:48,280 It gets us over bad stuff. 1435 01:11:48,360 --> 01:11:50,720 Right? Typical Bob story. 1436 01:11:51,240 --> 01:11:54,360 He once spent an hour in the pound shop 1437 01:11:54,440 --> 01:11:57,080 in Hayling Island, just asking the cashier 1438 01:11:57,160 --> 01:11:58,640 how much everything was. 1439 01:12:01,560 --> 01:12:04,320 Just to see if he could break this poor man's will. 1440 01:12:06,920 --> 01:12:10,040 Bob was the first person I saw answer back to authority. 1441 01:12:10,120 --> 01:12:12,840 The first authority you come across are  your parents. 1442 01:12:13,200 --> 01:12:15,600 And he'd get in trouble. He got sent to bed. 1443 01:12:15,680 --> 01:12:17,680 But I thought he'd won the argument. 1444 01:12:17,760 --> 01:12:19,520 And he'd tease my mum. 1445 01:12:19,600 --> 01:12:22,320 My mum was a typical working-class woman. 1446 01:12:22,400 --> 01:12:25,480 As I say, we lived in a shitty area, right? 1447 01:12:25,560 --> 01:12:28,160 And most of the houses looked like 1448 01:12:28,240 --> 01:12:32,080 a bit of mud, and a stolen bike, and fence posts missing. 1449 01:12:32,160 --> 01:12:36,280 She mended the fence, turfed the garden herself, painted the step. 1450 01:12:36,360 --> 01:12:39,760 She thought, "If it looked respectable, we'd be respectable." 1451 01:12:40,000 --> 01:12:41,720 It was about reputation, I guess. 1452 01:12:41,800 --> 01:12:44,760 Bob would send her postcards that just read, 1453 01:12:44,840 --> 01:12:47,760 "Is that pedophile postman still reading your mail?" 1454 01:12:49,440 --> 01:12:51,160 And she'd take it, she'd go in, 1455 01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:53,640 and she'd be horrified. She'd call Bob. 1456 01:12:53,720 --> 01:12:56,280 "He saw it this time, you must stop doing that!" 1457 01:13:04,960 --> 01:13:07,280 Even at her funeral... My mum died first, 1458 01:13:07,360 --> 01:13:09,680 and my dad carried on for a year or so, 1459 01:13:09,760 --> 01:13:11,880 just drinking beer, then he went. 1460 01:13:12,680 --> 01:13:15,040 At Mum's funeral, we had different duties. 1461 01:13:15,120 --> 01:13:16,760 I did catering and flowers. 1462 01:13:16,840 --> 01:13:18,920 Bob went to see the local vicar. 1463 01:13:19,000 --> 01:13:21,040 That was a mistake, right? 1464 01:13:22,160 --> 01:13:25,520 We'd never been to church, he didn't know us, we didn't know him. 1465 01:13:25,600 --> 01:13:26,960 So, he said to Bob, 1466 01:13:27,040 --> 01:13:29,720 "Tell me about your mum, so I can say a few words." 1467 01:13:29,800 --> 01:13:32,080 Bob saw that as an opportunity, right? 1468 01:13:33,040 --> 01:13:35,240 So, Bob, with a straight face, said, 1469 01:13:35,320 --> 01:13:37,520 "Well, she was a keen racist." 1470 01:13:41,160 --> 01:13:43,120 The vicar went, "I can't say that." 1471 01:13:43,200 --> 01:13:45,320 Bob said, "Okay, put she liked gardening." 1472 01:13:45,760 --> 01:13:50,800 He was trying to get the vicar to say something to make us laugh in church. 1473 01:13:50,880 --> 01:13:52,400 He didn't warn us. 1474 01:13:52,480 --> 01:13:54,720 And he did get something by the vicar. 1475 01:13:54,800 --> 01:13:57,560 So we're called Ricky, Robert-- Bob-- 1476 01:13:57,640 --> 01:14:00,160 Ricky, Robert, Marsha and Larry. 1477 01:14:00,240 --> 01:14:02,840 Now, Larry is the oldest,  in his seventies. 1478 01:14:02,920 --> 01:14:04,120 Born in the war. 1479 01:14:04,200 --> 01:14:06,840 I always thought he was the sensible one. 1480 01:14:06,960 --> 01:14:09,880 First born, weight of the world on his shoulders. 1481 01:14:09,960 --> 01:14:11,880 My mum said, when he was a teenager, 1482 01:14:11,960 --> 01:14:14,920 he got a job and gave her  the money to help out. 1483 01:14:15,000 --> 01:14:17,000 He's a stand-up guy, Larry. 1484 01:14:17,480 --> 01:14:20,080 So, Bob... gives the vicar the wrong name. 1485 01:14:22,400 --> 01:14:24,840 Didn't warn us. We're all in church. 1486 01:14:25,720 --> 01:14:27,760 Start of the funeral, we're all there. 1487 01:14:27,840 --> 01:14:28,760 Packed out. 1488 01:14:29,200 --> 01:14:30,760 The coffin comes down. 1489 01:14:31,280 --> 01:14:32,600 Guided by the vicar. 1490 01:14:33,320 --> 01:14:34,840 The vicar goes to his pulpit. 1491 01:14:34,920 --> 01:14:37,520 All confident, with his little notes, right? 1492 01:14:38,800 --> 01:14:39,840 And he goes... 1493 01:14:41,640 --> 01:14:44,440 Eva leaves behind four loving children. 1494 01:14:45,000 --> 01:14:45,840 Ricky. 1495 01:14:45,920 --> 01:14:47,040 Robert. 1496 01:14:47,120 --> 01:14:48,000 Marsha. 1497 01:14:48,080 --> 01:14:49,240 And Barry. 1498 01:14:50,600 --> 01:14:53,840 And... we snort like that, right? 1499 01:14:54,520 --> 01:14:55,360 Bob's going... 1500 01:14:56,880 --> 01:14:58,960 Everyone realizes. We're all laughing. 1501 01:14:59,040 --> 01:15:00,400 We see Larry go... 1502 01:15:03,040 --> 01:15:03,880 All right. 1503 01:15:05,600 --> 01:15:07,120 And the church is like... 1504 01:15:09,240 --> 01:15:10,640 Every time we thought of it, 1505 01:15:11,320 --> 01:15:13,040 we'd see Larry go... 1506 01:15:13,120 --> 01:15:14,320 Like that, right? 1507 01:15:15,240 --> 01:15:19,080 Then we'd just start giggling, just fits of fucking giggles, right? 1508 01:15:19,520 --> 01:15:21,760 Larry eventually started doing this. 1509 01:15:23,840 --> 01:15:26,520 And the vicar's thinking,  "What have I said?" Right? 1510 01:15:27,200 --> 01:15:30,000 He'd put in a few things the vicar  didn't know 1511 01:15:30,080 --> 01:15:31,760 that set us off again. 1512 01:15:31,840 --> 01:15:34,760 Things that were just lies,  or slightly wrong. 1513 01:15:35,440 --> 01:15:37,800 My nieces and nephews started crying. 1514 01:15:37,880 --> 01:15:40,480 I'd come prepared with a pack of tissues. 1515 01:15:41,120 --> 01:15:43,760 They'd take one and hand it on. Before the funeral, 1516 01:15:44,360 --> 01:15:45,960 I'd taken the tissues out, 1517 01:15:46,040 --> 01:15:48,920 written on them, folded them back and put them in. 1518 01:15:49,000 --> 01:15:51,720 And each tissue said, "Snivelling fucking bitch." 1519 01:15:53,440 --> 01:15:55,160 And they're sort of laughing. 1520 01:15:55,240 --> 01:15:57,680 So it was like a madhouse, right? 1521 01:15:57,760 --> 01:15:59,680 Everything the vicar said or did, 1522 01:15:59,760 --> 01:16:02,120 we all started fucking laughing! Right? 1523 01:16:03,560 --> 01:16:07,160 And you could see the vicar was visibly shook a little bit. 1524 01:16:08,000 --> 01:16:11,280 He ended the funeral, and he made a beeline for me and Bob. 1525 01:16:11,560 --> 01:16:13,520 He said, "Sorry, was that okay?" 1526 01:16:13,600 --> 01:16:16,160 Me and Bob went, "Fucking brilliant, mate. 1527 01:16:16,240 --> 01:16:17,800 It was fucking brilliant." 1528 01:16:17,880 --> 01:16:21,640 That's what I mean. We're all gonna die, so we should have a laugh. 1529 01:16:21,720 --> 01:16:25,600 If you can laugh in the face of adversity, you're bullet-proof. 1530 01:16:25,680 --> 01:16:29,040 Me and my brother, Bob, had one simple rule, and that was 1531 01:16:29,120 --> 01:16:31,840 if you think of something funny, you've got to say it. 1532 01:16:33,280 --> 01:16:34,600 Win, lose or draw. 1533 01:16:38,400 --> 01:16:39,720 It might go well... 1534 01:16:47,600 --> 01:16:49,040 it might go badly. 1535 01:16:49,120 --> 01:16:50,800 But you've gotta say it. 1536 01:16:50,880 --> 01:16:53,720 And bear that in mind, as I leave you with this. 1537 01:16:53,800 --> 01:16:54,640 Right... 1538 01:16:57,480 --> 01:16:59,800 So... we're all in the car one day. 1539 01:16:59,880 --> 01:17:02,320 Bob's driving. Packed in this car. 1540 01:17:02,400 --> 01:17:04,240 A little day trip to the beach. 1541 01:17:04,320 --> 01:17:06,520 We get stopped for a security check. 1542 01:17:07,400 --> 01:17:09,240 And there's a British bobby there. 1543 01:17:09,320 --> 01:17:10,560 And he stops the car. 1544 01:17:10,640 --> 01:17:13,040 Bob's at the window. He said, "Where are we off to?" 1545 01:17:13,120 --> 01:17:14,160 Bob went, "Bognor." 1546 01:17:14,240 --> 01:17:17,360 He went, "Can you just pop the boot,  please?" 1547 01:17:17,440 --> 01:17:18,840 So he looks at that. 1548 01:17:18,920 --> 01:17:20,680 Looks in the boot, like that. 1549 01:17:20,760 --> 01:17:22,360 Back to Bob's window. 1550 01:17:23,680 --> 01:17:25,720 Gets that mirror on a stick thing. 1551 01:17:25,800 --> 01:17:28,320 And he starts just looking under the car. 1552 01:17:28,400 --> 01:17:31,680 And as he does that, his helmet falls off, right? 1553 01:17:31,760 --> 01:17:34,520 And out of the helmet falls a packet of 20 cigarettes. 1554 01:17:34,920 --> 01:17:36,120 And the copper went, 1555 01:17:36,200 --> 01:17:39,120 "Bet you always wondered what we kept under our helmets." 1556 01:17:39,520 --> 01:17:42,320 And Bob went,  "I knew it wasn't fucking brains." 1557 01:17:45,480 --> 01:17:47,280 You've been amazing. Good night! 112906

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