All language subtitles for Haileys.On.It.S01E01.The.Beginning.of.the.Friend.1080p.HULU.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

[alarm blaring]

They're gaining on us!

[tires screech]

[Hailey] Hi, this is me,
Hailey Banks, and--

Wait, is that a bug
in my teeth?

Ugh, let's just keep going.

Don't worry,
I've got tiny oranges.

This is my best friend,
Scott Denoga.

Ah! The tiny oranges
did nothing!

This here is a squid
I've always wanted to rescue.

And these two weirdoes
are Sparky and Zoot

from the Hot 95
Morning Radio Party Patrol.

Every week, the let poor
Sid the Psychic Squid

pick the winners
of high school football games,

which is why I put
liberating him

on my list of stuff
I always wanted to do.

[tires squeal]

I'd say we lost them. Ah!

[Scott]
Sign! Cones! Art!

Oh, were you telling me
to avoid those things?

- Ramp!
- [both scream]

Up until a week ago,
I never would have

actually gone through
with this.

I'm not really
the kind of person

who likes to try new things.

Not happening.

Maybe next year.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

But that all changed
back on New Year's Eve.

[all] Five, four, three,
two, one!

- Happy New Year!
- [music blares]

[blowing horn]

Resolution time.

This year, I'm gonna stop
wasting my afternoons

watching parkour fails online

and start doing my own
parkour fails.

Whoa-ba! Whoo-hoo!

[grunts]
Nailed it.

Well, my resolution
is equally exciting.

I'm going to finally enter
one of my handmade birdhouses

into the largest
birdhouse-building competition

on the West Coast:
Home Tweet Home.

That's awesome, Hailey.

I really believe you think
you're going to do that.

Although,
now that I look at it,

my latticework
is still builder grade.

What if I get there and everyone
hates it and they laugh at me?

Then one of the judges throws
my birdhouse into the Dumpster,

but there was a bird still
in there because no one checked,

and now I'm a bird murderer.

- You're doing it again.
- What?

That thing
where you talk yourself

out of doing something cool.

No, I'm totally
going to do it eventually.

In fact, I'm going to write
it down in my big list of things

I'm totally going to do.

Hailey, you've been
working on that list

since the first grade,

and you haven't crossed off
a single item.

Well, this year's
gonna be different.

In fact, that's going to be
my New Year's resolution:

to do every single thing
on my list.

Now you're talking.

You know, something tells me

this is going to be the year

we both make our dreams
come true.

Parkour!

- [grunts]
- [loud crash]

I'm okay.

[whirring]

Chaos!

[gasps]

- Got him!
- Whoa.

Okay, where did you come from,

and what the heck
was that?

Chaos bot. And it was
sent here to stop you,

Hailey Alakh Auli'i Banks,

from completing the most
important document in history.

Hey. It's my list, but
everything's crossed off.

Where'd you get this?

From the future.

[dramatic keytar music]

You know, I almost didn't bring
this keytar. Glad I did.

If you're really
from the future, prove it.

Fine. In 3.8 seconds,

Ryan Seacrest will get hit
by a pigeon live on TV.

[screams]

Whoa. But that could
have just been a coincidence.

Fine. You don't believe me,
maybe you'll believe you.

[Hailey, over recording]
Hi, Hailey. It's, well, you.

Hailey. Future you. Hi.

Whoa! Future me,
is that really you?

Sorry, this is a recording,
so we can't actually interact.

- Oh. Got it. Okay.
- Yeah. Sorry about that.

But just to prove
this is legit,

I'm going to tell you something
only you would know.

Back in third grade, you ate
all of Scott's Halloween candy,

and blamed it on burglars.

Anyway, I'm sure
you're freaking out right now

'cause we tend
to do that, but don't.

All you need to do is complete
every item on our list.

Yes, everything. It'll all
make sense later, trust me.

You've got this, Hailey. Bye!

Okay, for the record, I only
lied about the candy thing

to protect
Scott's feelings.

Yeah, I don't really care.

I got to return this list
to the Smithsonian.

I just came to warn you
about the bots.

But you can keep that phone.

There's a copy of the list
on it. Oh, and here.

Wait. My list is
in the future Smithsonian?

Am I, like, important?

[laughs]
Of course you're important.

Completing the list
was the first step

toward you saving the world.

How do you not know this?

Oh, right,
you're not from the future.

Wait, me saving the what now?

Ugh. Look, I'm not really
supposed to give out spoilers

- from the future, but...
- Hey!

...here's the 12-second summary.

By completing your list,
you're named San Diego County's

Young Person of the Year.

You win a big trophy.
The mayor's there,

wearing his mayor sash.
It's kind of a big deal.

That accomplishment
then catches the attention

- of President Serena Williams.
- Hold on.

- The tennis player?
- Oh, right. She did play tennis.

But, yes, President Williams
sponsors you for an X Grant,

which you work
your butt off and win

by inventing a crowdsource
decarbonization device,

which reverses
the effects of climate change.

By the way, thanks for that.

Whoa! Go me! I can't
believe I'm actually

gonna do everything on my list.

I'm gonna learn
to play the glockenspiel.

I'm gonna invent a new color.
I'm gonna...

kiss Scott Denoga?

- Did you say my name, Hailey?
- No! Go away!

Okay. Jackknife!

I can't kiss Scott.

- [Scott screams and grunts]
- [cat mewls]

I wrote that back
in fifth grade as a joke.

As a joke for yourself?

You had to be there.
Okay, look,

maybe I thought Scott
was cute for a hot minute

when he tried that new hair gel

before it got recalled
for attracting bears.

But that was a long time ago,
and we're older now,

and he's Scott.

He wears the same jeans
for a month straight.

He thinks the monkey wrench
was invented by monkeys.

He calls potato chips
"crispy dippers."

Look, if I'd wanted
all this teen drama,

I'd watch the new season
of Xerxes and Marnius.

It's the big teen drama
50 years from now.

He's a cyborg,
she's an all-knowing mess.

You know,
I don't want to spoil it.

Point is, I don't care
what you wrote on your list.

I'm just here to tell you
if you don't do every item,

you won't compete for a grant

and climate change
will accelerate

until the world looks like this.

Aw. That doesn't look so--

[gasps]
It's on fire!

- [grunts]
- So, yeah,

there's a lot
riding on your shoulders.

But as long as you don't
screw up,

the world will be just fine.

Again, no pressure, but just to
recap, it's all on you.

[nervously]
Super.

Oh! And I almost forgot!
To make things easier for you,

I brought tomorrow's
winning jackpot numbers.

They are seven--
[screams]

- Seriously?
- [knock on door]

Check it out, Hailey.

I made duck lips
out of crispy dippers.

Quack, quack!

- [screams]
- Ah! Something bit my butt.

Something bit my butt!

[Scott screaming]

Whoa!

So, a couple things
we should probably talk about.

[Hailey] So I laid it
all out for Scott.

The bots, the professor,

the world potentially
melting into a ball of fire--

everything except the whole
"kissing him" thing.

And all she left me
with was this.

"Enable beta features"?

- Ah!
- [both scream]

Who are you? Who am I?
Where are my legs?

Am I supposed to have legs?

[shrieks]

Whoa! A screaming phone!

I'm more than a screaming phone,
you buffoon.

I'm Beta, the world's
most advanced AI,

here to help Hailey Banks
complete her list.

Oh, that's who I am.

So, yeah, my year got off
to a pretty weird start.

And somehow,
it just keeps getting weirder.

Trying to save the future
of the world

by doing things
like item number 195:

free Sid the Psychic Squid.

That squid is property
of the Hot 95 Party Patrol...

coming at you with
San Diego County's hottest mix

- of music, sports and talk!
- [air horn blows]

I'll take care of these guys.

[slow-motion scream]

Nope.

[grunts]

Give me a hand, Sid.

- [screams]
- [tires squeal]

[both cry]

Hailey, over here!

Yeah!

Sid!

Come back! You never
picked this weekend's games!

Heck, yeah! One step closer
to saving the world.

- You should take a shower.
- I'm going to take a shower.

[deep, ominous voice]
Hailey Banks.

I've been waiting for you.

[Hailey]
Hey, Beta.

[in normal voice]
How am I supposed to help you

if you leave me behind
for all the fun stuff?

[Hailey]
You remember Beta.

He's that screaming phone
from earlier.

He's still cranky,
but he's a lot cuter

now that I made him that body
out of a spare robotics kit

at Command a Koala Plushie.

Oh, and he hates it
when you do this.

I wuv you!

All right, that's enough.

Hey, look on the bright side.

We finished another list item.

Well, I guess I do
"wuv" that.

So, what's next on the list?

Well, according
to my calculations,

the next item
you should attempt,

with a 92%
achievement probability,

is number 143:
kiss Scott Denoga.

Isn't that the buffoon who
wears the same jeans every day?

Whee!

Why would you put that
on your list?

You know, I've actually
been thinking about that,

and I'm pretty sure I meant
to write "kick Scott Denoga."

So I'll just go ahead
and make a quick correction

to the list here.

[man yelps]

Uh, what was that?

Time glitch.

A rift in the very fabric

of the space-time continuum,

which could give chaos bots
an opening

to jump into our timeline.

So it's not a good
time glitch, then.

No! Hailey, this item
is no bigger deal

than any of the others.

In fact, according
to my research,

human kissing
is quite simple.

It simply involves
briefly interlocking

your two face holes.

Ugh! Beta!

Look, I know you don't
always get human stuff,

but Scott is my best friend.

Part of me wonders, what if
we were more than friends?

But the other part of me knows

that would risk making things
weird between us,

and ruin the great thing
we already have.

But then that
first part of me knows

the truth is that I like him.

I never even said it out loud,
but, yes, for some reason,

I like Scott Denoga.

Hey, guys,
what you talking about?

Ah! Nothing!
Certainly not you, Scott.

The world does not revolve
around your lips.

I mean, your face hole.
I mean, any part of your body.

[chuckles nervously]

Okay.

You know you're sitting
in glue, right?

[scoffs]
As a joke.

[laughs]

Oh, glue pants!
Good one!

So, Beta,
what's the next list item?

As I was explaining
to Hailey,

- she's supposed to give you a--
- A present for Christmas,

which is at the end
of the year.

So, let's just plan
to do that one later.

I wuv you!

Sure, why not?

It's only the fate
of the world at stake.

Okay, okay, it looks like
the next most optimal item

is number 239: ride
every ride at the county fair.

There we go.
That sounds fun--

Wait, did you say county fair?

[riders screaming]

[laughing]
Oh, man!

Remember the last time
you went to the county fair?

- Yes.
- You went on the Zero Gravitron

and barfed
in front of everyone.

- Yes.
- And Kristine Sanchez

accidentally livestreamed
the whole thing,

and then everyone called you
Hurley for the next month.

- I said I remember!
- That was hilarious!

[laughs] I-I mean, not-not
for you. For everyone else.

[sighs]

So, Beta, what's
the next, next item?

Oh, come on, Hailey.

I know you're scared,
but you can do this one.

You know, I was scared once too.
Back in the third grade,

after all my Halloween candy
was stolen by those burglars

who left the empty wrappers
in your trash can...

Ugh! Burglars!

But the next year,
I got right back out there

and trick-or-treated
harder than ever.

I even got a king-sized
Keith bar.

- Keith bars are disgusting.
- So disgusting.

But it was king-sized.

Point is, the county fair
is nothing to be afraid of.

Especially since I'm gonna
be there every step of the way.

Thanks, Scott.
You're a great friend.

But just a friend.

Yeah. I know.

Would you two
just kiss already?

I wuv you!

- What did he say?
- Let's go to the fair!

Okay!

[all scream]

It's time for me
to scope out the premises

for any suspicious activity.

It's go-time.

Where'd you get
those sunglasses?

The Mr. Tomato Head doll
in your closet.

Now... go-time.

♪ Go, go-go, go, go ♪

[zip tie rasps]

Well, this is humiliating.

Okay, Scott,

looks like it's time
for us to save the world.

♪ I'm making my moves
Playing my rules ♪

♪ That's how I do it ♪

♪ Seizing the day ♪

♪ There's just no way
I'm gonna lose it ♪

♪ I could do anything ♪

♪ Watch as I spread my wings ♪

♪ Baby, it's no big thing ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ It's obvious
That I was born for this ♪

♪ You know I was
Born for this ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[camera shutters click]

♪ You know I was
Born for this ♪

Last ride.
The Zero Gravitron.

My white whale.

I always thought
it was a spaceship.

But, yeah, I can see it.

Hey, look,
it's almost empty.

If you hork,
nobody will ever know.

Oh, no.

Hey, K Squad, it's me,

Kristine the Hot Queen.

Today, I'm sporting
a wide-brim

Ruffiusan & Haute vintage
2006 Lionel Verducci scarf.

Hashtag "thrift store gem."

[Hailey]
Kristine Sanchez,

the most popular girl
in school,

with over 2,000 followers.

She's stylish, she's tall,

she never sweats
in gym class.

And the worst part of all:

She's actually really nice.

[gasps and squeals]

- Hi, Kristine.
- Hey, hey!

Can I just say how truly
inspiring it is

to see you
back on this ride?

Oh, and you brought Scott!

You guys are such
a cute couple.

Couple?

[stammers and scoffs]

Yeah, more like
a couple of friends

who aren't destined to kiss.

Oh, sorry.

I just assumed
because you guys are so close,

and you hang out all the time,
and you have your own handshake.

Because we're friends.

I mean, I have handshakes
with lots of people.

- You do?
- Sure. Like...

Born Shorts here.

What's up, Born Shorts?

Catch you later, bud.

OMG, can I livestream this?

Your bravery would be
such an inspiration

to all the little Kristinies
out there.

That sounds great.

[squeals] By the way,

what do you think
of my scarf?

Eh. It's okay.

Oh, man, I want that scarf.

Well, good luck.

Just ignore her

and her thousands of fans
watching you live.

You can do this.
Just think calm thoughts.

- [machinery activates]
- [man] Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to your worst nightmare!

[man] Hold on to
your personal items,

because they will become
deadly projectiles.

Don't worry, they're just
building the suspense.

[man] I'm not just
building the suspense.

You're gonna scream
till you puke!

[rock music playing]

See? Everything's fine.

Chaos!

Something's wrong!
Something's very wrong!

[alarm blaring]

I don't remember this
from last time.

Where's Beta?

This one's kind of cute.

I like the blue one.

Death Spiral, Inc.
is not responsible

for any injuries
that may occur.

It's over.
I can see through...

I guess it's up to me.

I'm on it.

♪ Don't play it safe ♪

♪ I like it dangerous ♪

[screams]

Ah! Excuse me.
Coming through.

Sorry about that.

Kristine, I need your scarf.

Sure! Don't you love it?

Yes, it's adorable.

- Hold this.
- Okay.

[cheering]

[all groan]

Whoo!

I slayed the white whale!

Not for real.
I love whales.

You rock, Hailey.

That was amazing, Hailey.

I tip my hat--

- [retches]
- Okay.

Whoo-hoo! That was so cool!

Everyone was like, "Ah."
And you were like, "Pfft."

And then everyone was like...
[grunting]

And then we got off this ride,
and I started saying all this.

How did you do all that?

I don't know.
I just did it.

I guess I can do
everything on my list.

- I can do anything.
- [alarm blaring]

That's weird. This thing

is supposed to go green
when we finish a list item.

Guess we're not done
riding all the rides yet.

Oh, look.
There's a new one.

The Tunnel of Love.

[Hailey]
The Tunnel of Love?

You know what?

I think I can do
that one solo.

Oh, no. I promised I'd
help you complete every ride.

And I'm nothing
if not a man of my word.

And look, there's no line.
Score!

[calliope music playing]

Welcome to the Tunnel of Love,

the most romantic six minutes
of your life.

Oh, man.
This is gonna be so lame.

[song over speakers]
♪ You've been best friends ♪

♪ But that'll all change
Tonight ♪

- So lame.
- I don't know.

I think it's kind of cool.

♪ The moment just feels right ♪

♪ This romantic endeavor ♪

♪ Could change the world
Forever ♪

♪ If you just
Kiss your friend ♪

♪ Kiss your friend ♪

♪ You don't need to be shy
Go on and kiss your friend ♪

♪ Kiss your friend ♪

♪ He's actually a great guy ♪

♪ If you want to prevent
The apocalypse ♪

♪ Smooch your friend
Right on the lips ♪

♪ Don't make the world end... ♪

[Hailey]
So this was the moment

I was supposed to kiss Scott.

Maybe it was the lights,
or the fountains,

or the weirdly
on-the-nose music,

but it was actually perfect.

[retches]

Until that happened.

Okay, okay, that was bad.
But you've just got to do it.

You've got to tell Scott that
kissing him is on your list.

Who knows,
he might even be into it.

What if he is into it?

What if he's not into it?

[sighs]
Whatever.

It's not the end
of the world, Hailey.

Well, maybe it is.

- Hey, Hailey.
- Ah!

Listen, Scott, I am so sorry.

No, don't be.

Check out this sweet T-shirt
they gave me.

This isn't me.
It's just painted on.

- [Scott laughs]
- I know.

Look, Scott,

there's something I need
to tell you about the list,

and our friendship, and--

Hey, Hailey,
can I ask you something?

Yes. Please. Anything.

Would you mind
if I asked out Scott?

What? But... why?

Well, we started talking
in the cleanup tent,

and it turns out
we both have a lot in common.

We both have great hair.
We both got barf on us today.

And our birthdays are only
five and a half months apart.

That's actually
about as far apart as they--

- So? What do you think?
- Um...

I mean... sure.
Why would I mind?

I told you,
we're just friends.

Great! Hey, Scott!

Do you want to go out?

Sure.

Thank you so much, Hailey.

I'll get us
a cotton candy!

Yay!

That was cool.

Yeah. So cool.

Cool for you.
Cool for her.

And cool for me.

Yep, I am cool
like a cantaloupe.

- Are you okay?
- Like a cantaloupe!

Okay.

So, what were you saying
about the list?

Oh, uh, just that
one of the items

is that I have to kick
Scott Denoga.

So...

Ow! Ugh!
That was a hard one.

Well, anything
to save the world.

Later, Hay.

Not if I see you first, crocodile.

Ugh!

[both laugh]

- [alarm blaring]
- [grunts]

[Beta]
Hailey, what is going on?

- Beta? Why are you--?
- Uh-uh.

Not important.
What is important is that,

according to my calculations,
there's no only a 0.02% chance

that you'll ever kiss Scott.

What? How is that possible?
Kristine just asked him out.

That doesn't mean
they're already--

Hey, K Squad, meet Scott.

Hi, everyone.
Can you believe our birthdays

are only five
and a half months apart?

[grunts]

- Chaos!
- Chaos!

You picked the wrong day
to mess with me, bots.

[bell dings]

- [blows]
- Dang, Hailey!

That was the coolest thing
I have ever seen you do.

[Hailey]
So that's me, Hailey Banks.

Here to save the world...

- Ah!
- ...someday.

I take it back.
That was not remotely cool.

[Hailey] Man, that was,
like, all pinkie toe.

[Beta] Come on,
I'll buy you a churro.

[Hailey]
You don't have any money.

[Beta] Fine, then you
buy me a churro.

[Hailey] You don't even
eat people food.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ It's obvious
That I was born for this ♪

♪ You know I was
Born for this ♪

♪ Born for this ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I got it, I got it
No forcing it ♪

♪ You know I was
Born for this ♪

♪ I'm fearless, the fiercest
That you ever seen ♪

♪ I bring it, 'cause winning
Comes naturally ♪

♪ Can't stop me, can't face me
I shoot every shot ♪

♪ Can't miss ♪

♪ You know I was
Born for this ♪