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1
00:00:02,610 --> 00:00:04,003
It's official.
2
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:06,484
I closed escrow on my house in Maine.
3
00:00:06,527 --> 00:00:08,355
- Alright, Roger!
- Alright, alright, alright!
4
00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:09,487
Whoo!
5
00:00:09,530 --> 00:00:11,706
Yeah, Stan, yeah.
6
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:13,578
Thanks, Roger, but I was dancing for me.
7
00:00:13,621 --> 00:00:15,231
My friend Skip Yates died.
8
00:00:15,275 --> 00:00:17,277
You're dancing 'cause your friend died?
9
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:19,627
Well, he was a member of my ham club.
10
00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:21,629
I'll now explain what that is.
11
00:00:21,673 --> 00:00:24,632
For those who already know,
I authorize you to leave the room.
12
00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:25,981
[CLATTERING, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
13
00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:27,635
The Tappahonnock Ham Society
14
00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:29,332
is a brotherhood of Southern gentlemen
15
00:00:29,376 --> 00:00:31,552
who carry out the great
Virginian tradition
16
00:00:31,596 --> 00:00:33,554
of curing and aging hams.
17
00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:35,556
- Ham the meat?
- The same.
18
00:00:36,842 --> 00:00:38,690
- That's cool.
- Very.
19
00:00:38,733 --> 00:00:39,995
And the only way to rise up the ranks
20
00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:41,997
in ham club is if someone dies.
21
00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:44,478
So Skip's death is friggin' huge for me.
22
00:00:44,522 --> 00:00:45,784
And why?
23
00:00:46,666 --> 00:00:49,440
I'll get slightly better ham now.
24
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,050
Thanks, Skippy.
25
00:00:51,703 --> 00:00:53,661
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
26
00:00:54,412 --> 00:00:56,534
- Do you have...
- A governing body in ham club?
27
00:00:56,577 --> 00:00:57,752
Excellent question.
28
00:00:57,796 --> 00:00:59,972
We have a president, VP, treasurer,
29
00:01:00,015 --> 00:01:02,409
and, best job of all, carver.
30
00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:05,325
And that position is open,
thanks to the big-rig tire
31
00:01:05,368 --> 00:01:07,109
that jumped through Skip's windshield.
32
00:01:07,153 --> 00:01:10,286
I was gonna ask you if had any
idea where the bathroom was.
33
00:01:10,330 --> 00:01:11,723
The bathroom at ham club?
34
00:01:11,766 --> 00:01:13,638
It's an 18th-century outhouse.
35
00:01:13,681 --> 00:01:16,249
Pretty cool.
36
00:01:16,292 --> 00:01:17,685
That is pretty cool.
37
00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:19,121
With a red-eye gravy
38
00:01:19,165 --> 00:01:21,559
sandwiched between a
fresh buttermilk biscuit.
39
00:01:21,602 --> 00:01:24,039
Mmm. Ham, you mean.
40
00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:26,085
Well, I think I'll turn in.
41
00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:29,567
Can I get you two some coffee... to go?
42
00:01:29,610 --> 00:01:31,220
No, Carol. Thank you.
43
00:01:31,264 --> 00:01:32,874
You can put the coffee in proper mugs.
44
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:35,834
We're gonna stay a while.
45
00:01:35,877 --> 00:01:37,879
Stan, I know this might sound crazy,
46
00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:40,403
but I feel like your
friend died for a reason...
47
00:01:40,447 --> 00:01:43,319
to open up a slot for me in ham club.
48
00:01:43,363 --> 00:01:46,105
You in ham club? I don't think so.
49
00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:48,237
- Why not?
- You're not a good fit.
50
00:01:48,281 --> 00:01:50,762
By that, I just mean I don't
think anyone would like you.
51
00:01:50,805 --> 00:01:53,592
Also, you have a tendency
to ruin all my things.
52
00:01:53,627 --> 00:01:55,070
I ruin everyone's things.
53
00:01:55,114 --> 00:01:57,725
That's my thing,
and now you've ruined it.
54
00:01:57,769 --> 00:02:00,467
[CRYING]
55
00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:02,861
♪♪
56
00:02:02,904 --> 00:02:05,298
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
57
00:02:05,341 --> 00:02:09,215
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
58
00:02:09,258 --> 00:02:12,479
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
59
00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:16,875
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
60
00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:22,184
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
61
00:02:22,228 --> 00:02:24,622
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
62
00:02:24,665 --> 00:02:25,666
Aah!
63
00:02:27,015 --> 00:02:30,366
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
64
00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:34,719
Roger wants to join ham club.
65
00:02:34,762 --> 00:02:36,590
Roger? No.
66
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:38,374
Ham club has standards, Stan.
67
00:02:38,418 --> 00:02:40,768
I tried to tell him that,
but he gets so emotional.
68
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:43,379
He's carrying around his
vial of hemlock again.
69
00:02:43,423 --> 00:02:46,295
Does Roger even have a
relationship with ham?
70
00:02:46,339 --> 00:02:48,428
- None.
- So get him an interview.
71
00:02:48,471 --> 00:02:50,735
Let his lack of ham
knowledge do the rest.
72
00:02:50,778 --> 00:02:52,519
That's genius.
73
00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:53,607
I'm a friend.
74
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:55,174
I throw his hat in the ring.
75
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:58,220
But you coach him so he doesn't
jeopardize your reputation
76
00:02:58,264 --> 00:03:01,180
with any of his typical Roger antics.
77
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,485
I thread the needle.
78
00:03:02,529 --> 00:03:03,617
There's nothing easier.
79
00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:05,053
I know I don't say it enough, Klaus,
80
00:03:05,097 --> 00:03:06,707
but you're a hell of a valet.
81
00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:08,143
Don't mention it, Stan.
82
00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,189
The way you shit on me
in front of everyone
83
00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,626
and pretend we don't have
this special connection
84
00:03:12,670 --> 00:03:14,802
is thank you enough.
85
00:03:17,109 --> 00:03:18,632
Oh, my God. Tuttle?
86
00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:20,416
He is such a scaredy-cat.
87
00:03:20,677 --> 00:03:23,376
Yeah, I've seen him
scared tons of times.
88
00:03:23,419 --> 00:03:24,464
I've seen Jeff scared.
89
00:03:24,507 --> 00:03:27,206
Oh, yeah, I've seen,
like, 20 Jeffs scared.
90
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:31,297
Spell it with a "G," a "J,"
if your name's Jeff,
91
00:03:31,340 --> 00:03:33,647
you're scared, and I've seen it.
92
00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:36,084
Check it. I'm gonna flip it on you.
93
00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:39,392
Who have you never seen scared?
94
00:03:39,435 --> 00:03:41,655
Great cue.
95
00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:44,832
You know, I've...
I've never seen Greg scared.
96
00:03:44,876 --> 00:03:46,791
That's true. Weird.
97
00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:48,183
Pfft, Greg.
98
00:03:48,227 --> 00:03:49,445
Greg the egg.
99
00:03:49,489 --> 00:03:50,546
I could scare him.
100
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,710
Oh-ho-ho-ho. How would you do it?
101
00:03:52,753 --> 00:03:55,713
Easy. Come at him with an ax.
102
00:03:55,756 --> 00:03:58,498
[ROGER SOBBING]
103
00:03:58,541 --> 00:04:00,848
[CRYING]
104
00:04:00,892 --> 00:04:02,763
Wow, Roger, this place looks great.
105
00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:04,939
I'll drink it, Stan. I will.
106
00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:06,637
I got you an interview with my ham club.
107
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,377
Oh, thank you, Stan.
108
00:04:08,421 --> 00:04:09,770
I'm so friggin' amped.
109
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:11,816
[GRUNTS]
110
00:04:11,859 --> 00:04:12,991
About that.
111
00:04:13,034 --> 00:04:14,906
Sometimes you can be a little big.
112
00:04:14,949 --> 00:04:17,343
- I'll wear my girdle.
- I mean your personality.
113
00:04:17,386 --> 00:04:20,781
- My personality?
- It's just you can be flamboyant,
114
00:04:20,825 --> 00:04:21,913
and these guys are fancy.
115
00:04:21,956 --> 00:04:23,784
You put those polar opposites together,
116
00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:26,178
- and things could get...
- Flambancy?
117
00:04:26,221 --> 00:04:28,702
- Exactly.
- So should I not be myself?
118
00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:30,617
Yes. Thanks for making this easy.
119
00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:32,184
So how should I act?
120
00:04:32,227 --> 00:04:33,794
Buttoned-up, humble, all about ham.
121
00:04:33,838 --> 00:04:35,187
What were you thinking of wearing?
122
00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:37,755
Two hooks for my hands,
two hooks for my feet.
123
00:04:39,482 --> 00:04:41,439
_
124
00:04:41,904 --> 00:04:43,137
Hello, Roger.
125
00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:44,573
I'm Ignatius Calhoun,
126
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:47,837
22nd President of the
Tappahonnock Ham Society,
127
00:04:47,881 --> 00:04:50,840
and on behalf of the membership,
thank you for chatting with us
128
00:04:50,884 --> 00:04:54,540
about a subject we hold most dear.
129
00:04:54,583 --> 00:04:57,673
I speak, of course, of ham.
130
00:04:57,717 --> 00:05:00,023
[CHUCKLES] Of course.
131
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,025
I know you're a friend of Brother Stan,
132
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:05,246
so I'll get to the meat of the matter.
133
00:05:05,289 --> 00:05:07,074
Do you like ham?
134
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,905
Roger? Your thoughts on ham?
135
00:05:11,948 --> 00:05:13,297
Yes, yes.
136
00:05:13,341 --> 00:05:15,735
Bottom line, there's not
a thing in all God's creation
137
00:05:15,778 --> 00:05:17,693
I love more than the taste of clam.
138
00:05:17,737 --> 00:05:20,000
Uh, sorry.
What I'm trying to say is that,
139
00:05:20,043 --> 00:05:23,264
more than anything in the world,
I want in your clam club.
140
00:05:23,307 --> 00:05:24,657
Sugar.
141
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:28,051
Obviously, you get I'm trying to say
"clam," not "clam."
142
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,139
Motherfu...
143
00:05:29,183 --> 00:05:30,880
Thanks so much.
144
00:05:30,924 --> 00:05:32,360
Pleasure.
145
00:05:32,404 --> 00:05:33,709
Excuse my handshake.
146
00:05:33,753 --> 00:05:36,059
It's not an accurate
reflection of who I am.
147
00:05:37,974 --> 00:05:40,586
He's a really nice guy, but...
148
00:05:40,629 --> 00:05:42,109
Not a Tappahonnock man. I get it.
149
00:05:42,152 --> 00:05:43,458
I'll let him down easy.
150
00:05:44,062 --> 00:05:45,547
That wasn't so bad.
151
00:05:45,591 --> 00:05:47,157
[ENGINE STARTS]
152
00:05:47,201 --> 00:05:49,986
Whatever happens now
is out of my control.
153
00:05:50,030 --> 00:05:52,293
[SIGHS]
154
00:05:52,336 --> 00:05:53,468
No, no, no, no, no, no.
155
00:05:53,512 --> 00:05:54,861
Ain't happening, Jack.
156
00:05:54,904 --> 00:05:57,733
Now, with status quo secure,
157
00:05:57,777 --> 00:06:00,736
shall we get down to the matter at ham?
158
00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:02,999
More like matter at ham.
159
00:06:03,043 --> 00:06:04,697
- [LAUGHTER]
- That... that was...
160
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,655
That was my joke.
161
00:06:07,787 --> 00:06:08,875
What the hell is going on?
162
00:06:08,918 --> 00:06:10,442
♪♪
163
00:06:10,485 --> 00:06:11,660
Oh, shit.
164
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:15,708
♪♪
165
00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:20,495
♪ Come on, babe,
why don't we paint the town? ♪
166
00:06:20,539 --> 00:06:22,105
♪ And all that ham ♪
167
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:27,981
♪ I'm gonna rouge my knees
and roll my stockings down ♪
168
00:06:28,024 --> 00:06:29,765
♪ And all that ham ♪
169
00:06:29,809 --> 00:06:32,986
♪ Start the car,
I know a whoopee spot ♪
170
00:06:33,029 --> 00:06:36,424
♪ Where the ham is cold,
but some of it's also hot ♪
171
00:06:36,468 --> 00:06:40,646
♪ It's just a noisy hall where
there's a nightly brawl ♪
172
00:06:40,689 --> 00:06:46,782
♪ And all that jazz ham ♪
173
00:06:46,826 --> 00:06:48,305
[SONG ENDS]
174
00:06:48,349 --> 00:06:50,220
- [STAN GRUNTS]
- So, do you think it went well?
175
00:06:50,264 --> 00:06:52,005
I just slammed you against a wall.
176
00:06:52,048 --> 00:06:55,617
Yeah, but sometimes people
do that before hardcore sex.
177
00:06:55,661 --> 00:06:57,184
- Are we...
- You made a fool of me.
178
00:06:57,227 --> 00:06:58,620
I never should've vouched for you.
179
00:06:58,664 --> 00:07:01,623
You owe us an apology, Smith.
180
00:07:01,667 --> 00:07:03,669
Where you been hiding this guy?
181
00:07:03,712 --> 00:07:05,758
Roger, we'd be honored
182
00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:08,108
if you'd join the
Tappahonnock Ham Society.
183
00:07:08,151 --> 00:07:09,892
- What?
- What? Oh, my God.
184
00:07:09,936 --> 00:07:11,633
I was so worried you wouldn't let me in
185
00:07:11,677 --> 00:07:13,809
after I did the splits and
that feather went up my butt,
186
00:07:13,853 --> 00:07:15,811
but maybe you didn't notice.
187
00:07:16,977 --> 00:07:20,399
IGNATIUS: Heavenly Father,
we thank You for providing this ham.
188
00:07:20,443 --> 00:07:21,835
This ham is a good ham,
189
00:07:21,879 --> 00:07:24,577
and it is the work of Your hands.
190
00:07:24,621 --> 00:07:26,710
May this ham bless our bodies
191
00:07:26,753 --> 00:07:30,670
and give us the strength
to endure the day.
192
00:07:30,714 --> 00:07:31,797
Amen.
193
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,369
Nice [BLEEP] prayer, man.
194
00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,675
Are you nuts?
195
00:07:35,719 --> 00:07:37,416
It's your first day. Stay in your lane.
196
00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:39,636
Geez. Got it. Sorry.
197
00:07:39,679 --> 00:07:41,594
Hey, check it out. Meat curtains.
198
00:07:41,638 --> 00:07:43,770
[LAUGHTER]
199
00:07:44,424 --> 00:07:45,555
This guy's a live wire.
200
00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:48,514
Look at me. I'm somebody's wife.
201
00:07:50,211 --> 00:07:54,694
♪♪
202
00:07:54,738 --> 00:07:56,609
Mr. Brave, huh?
203
00:07:56,653 --> 00:07:58,655
That's what you're calling yourself?
204
00:07:58,698 --> 00:08:01,005
'Cause that's a bunch of crap,
if you ask me.
205
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:02,615
Hi, Francine.
206
00:08:02,659 --> 00:08:03,921
Hi?
207
00:08:03,964 --> 00:08:07,620
Let's see who's saying hi
when I change your world.
208
00:08:07,664 --> 00:08:08,752
What you doing with the ax?
209
00:08:08,795 --> 00:08:12,843
This is what I'm doing
with the ax, Greg!
210
00:08:14,584 --> 00:08:16,977
- Mmm.
- Good gracious.
211
00:08:18,006 --> 00:08:20,677
I propose we move on
to discussing glazes.
212
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,375
Now, I've been contemplating
dried honeysuckle.
213
00:08:23,418 --> 00:08:25,406
Ugh, again with the ham?
214
00:08:25,441 --> 00:08:27,230
Don't you guys ever do anything else?
215
00:08:27,265 --> 00:08:29,421
This is a ham club.
216
00:08:29,456 --> 00:08:30,676
And I love ham.
217
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:32,906
Top 10 meat, no question.
But there's more to life.
218
00:08:32,950 --> 00:08:35,332
- Like what?
- I don't know.
219
00:08:35,367 --> 00:08:36,562
Anyone heard of Six Flags?
220
00:08:36,606 --> 00:08:39,304
- Well, that sounds good.
- What about ham?
221
00:08:39,347 --> 00:08:40,880
Arturo's smiling.
222
00:08:40,915 --> 00:08:42,742
What do you say, Iggy? Day at the park?
223
00:08:42,786 --> 00:08:43,874
You're a prime candidate
224
00:08:43,917 --> 00:08:47,530
for Yosemite Sam's
Hollywood Flight School.
225
00:08:48,478 --> 00:08:49,532
Let's get in the car!
226
00:08:49,575 --> 00:08:53,884
- Alright, alright, alright.
- I say, whoo-hoo!
227
00:08:53,927 --> 00:08:57,801
I hope my face shows how
mad I am emotionally.
228
00:08:57,844 --> 00:09:01,152
MAN: Stop the coaster!
Something's wrong!
229
00:09:02,313 --> 00:09:04,372
- Stupid Roger.
- Stan, where the heck were you
230
00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:06,026
during the "Looney Tunes"
meet and greet?
231
00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:08,725
Arturo high-fived Speedy Gonzales.
232
00:09:08,768 --> 00:09:10,509
Congratulations, Roger.
233
00:09:10,553 --> 00:09:12,903
Once again,
you've ruined something I love.
234
00:09:12,946 --> 00:09:15,558
Arturo, why don't you run
along and buy some churros...
235
00:09:15,601 --> 00:09:16,733
and a basketball jersey.
236
00:09:16,776 --> 00:09:17,864
I feel overdressed.
237
00:09:17,908 --> 00:09:19,387
Probably a long shot
they sell them here,
238
00:09:19,431 --> 00:09:21,433
but everyone's wearing one, so maybe.
239
00:09:21,476 --> 00:09:24,218
The club was perfect,
but you just had to change it.
240
00:09:24,262 --> 00:09:25,872
You couldn't stay in your lane.
241
00:09:25,916 --> 00:09:26,986
Lane, schmane.
242
00:09:27,030 --> 00:09:28,745
- Just take ham.
- What ham?
243
00:09:28,788 --> 00:09:29,963
Any ham. All the ham.
244
00:09:30,007 --> 00:09:32,749
Whatever "ham" you want in life,
just take it.
245
00:09:32,792 --> 00:09:35,795
See this? It's Arturo's two-year ham.
246
00:09:35,839 --> 00:09:36,896
How'd you get that?
247
00:09:36,940 --> 00:09:39,218
Only cabinet members
get the prestige ham.
248
00:09:39,253 --> 00:09:41,395
I took it. Did it in front of him, too.
249
00:09:41,430 --> 00:09:43,934
He didn't say shit. Here.
250
00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:49,417
Arturo, Stan ganked
a piece of your two-year.
251
00:09:49,461 --> 00:09:50,549
[GASPS]
252
00:09:51,855 --> 00:09:54,727
See? You just took ham,
and there were no repercussions.
253
00:09:54,771 --> 00:09:55,902
Whoa.
254
00:09:55,946 --> 00:09:58,992
Now picture "taking ham"
in the biggest way possible.
255
00:09:59,036 --> 00:10:00,864
Doesn't have to be ham-related.
256
00:10:00,907 --> 00:10:02,779
What do you want most in life?
257
00:10:02,822 --> 00:10:04,519
I want to be the new ham carver.
258
00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:06,609
Yes. It didn't have to be ham-related,
259
00:10:06,652 --> 00:10:07,653
but I'm glad it was.
260
00:10:07,697 --> 00:10:09,742
It's settled. You're gonna be carver.
261
00:10:09,786 --> 00:10:10,874
But how?
262
00:10:11,772 --> 00:10:13,180
Put on a fresh pot, Carol.
263
00:10:13,215 --> 00:10:14,486
We're writing a candidacy poem.
264
00:10:14,529 --> 00:10:16,836
- A what?
- Yeah, I need clarification, too.
265
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,144
Stan, it's a poem to announce,
with authority,
266
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:22,537
you're the man to carve the ham.
267
00:10:22,581 --> 00:10:23,974
Oh, we're already rhyming.
268
00:10:24,017 --> 00:10:26,324
Oh, my God, Carol.
Why aren't you writing this down?
269
00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:30,328
Ham, pam, ram, bam, blam, shlam.
270
00:10:30,371 --> 00:10:31,503
- Shlam!
- Shlam!
271
00:10:31,546 --> 00:10:33,331
I like to eat my ham.
272
00:10:33,374 --> 00:10:35,746
It makes me feel like shmam.
273
00:10:35,781 --> 00:10:37,335
- Hey, another rhyme.
- I brought cookies.
274
00:10:37,378 --> 00:10:39,642
Not now, Carol.
We're finally onto something.
275
00:10:39,685 --> 00:10:41,861
I have nothing. I'm a fraud.
276
00:10:41,905 --> 00:10:44,777
All I can hear is the
ticking of this tiny clock.
277
00:10:44,821 --> 00:10:45,865
[CLOCK CRASHES]
278
00:10:45,909 --> 00:10:47,911
[BOTH MUNCHING]
279
00:10:47,954 --> 00:10:49,913
I was probably too harsh on Carol.
280
00:10:49,956 --> 00:10:51,871
This cookie was just the spark I needed.
281
00:10:51,915 --> 00:10:53,830
- She should've knocked.
- Right?
282
00:10:53,873 --> 00:10:55,353
Well, we did it.
283
00:10:55,396 --> 00:10:57,094
I think it's pretty good, too.
284
00:10:57,137 --> 00:10:58,748
So, how long you been writing poems?
285
00:10:58,791 --> 00:11:00,532
Oh, God, all my life.
286
00:11:00,575 --> 00:11:04,275
Kind of what I thought I'd be,
a poem-writing guy.
287
00:11:04,318 --> 00:11:08,758
♪♪
288
00:11:11,978 --> 00:11:14,851
"I like to eat my ham.
289
00:11:14,894 --> 00:11:17,505
"It makes me feel like shmam.
290
00:11:17,549 --> 00:11:20,378
"Have you seen the movie 'Kazaam'?
291
00:11:20,421 --> 00:11:21,727
"But back to ham.
292
00:11:21,771 --> 00:11:23,381
"Did you know that an imam
293
00:11:23,424 --> 00:11:25,862
"is a man who leads prayers in a mosque?
294
00:11:25,905 --> 00:11:29,422
"What if you pronounced imam "i-mam"?
295
00:11:29,457 --> 00:11:31,563
"W-would that make you think of ham?
296
00:11:31,606 --> 00:11:33,478
"My name is Stan.
297
00:11:33,521 --> 00:11:34,827
Ham."
298
00:11:34,871 --> 00:11:36,481
ROGER: Ne-e-xt.
299
00:11:36,524 --> 00:11:38,570
[LAUGHTER]
300
00:11:38,613 --> 00:11:41,007
What kind of dillbag writes a poem?
301
00:11:41,051 --> 00:11:42,835
The poem sucked.
302
00:11:42,879 --> 00:11:47,057
I dare say, Roger,
you should be the new ham carver.
303
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:48,798
Me? Okay, I'll do it.
304
00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:50,974
- Whoo-hoo!
- My man!
305
00:11:51,017 --> 00:11:52,889
I wrote the poem, by the way.
306
00:11:52,932 --> 00:11:54,629
We loved the poem.
307
00:11:57,769 --> 00:11:59,460
Hey, bud, great meeting tonight.
308
00:11:59,504 --> 00:12:00,548
You sabotaged me.
309
00:12:00,592 --> 00:12:01,680
Well, yeah, Stan.
310
00:12:01,724 --> 00:12:03,029
You didn't want me in your ham club.
311
00:12:03,073 --> 00:12:04,814
That really hurt my feelings.
312
00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:07,468
I didn't want you in my ham club
because you do things like this.
313
00:12:07,512 --> 00:12:10,297
Eh, feels like we got a
"chicken or the egg" situation here.
314
00:12:10,341 --> 00:12:12,256
Besides, we bust balls in this club.
315
00:12:12,299 --> 00:12:14,084
You got to come right back at me, dude.
316
00:12:14,127 --> 00:12:16,826
Arturo actually brought that up.
He's been clocking it.
317
00:12:16,869 --> 00:12:18,175
He's actually a pretty
funny guy if you can get him
318
00:12:18,218 --> 00:12:20,264
talking about something other than...
319
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:21,961
dinosaurs.
320
00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:27,967
Oh, God, how I want
my first ham for the club
321
00:12:28,011 --> 00:12:29,664
to be absolute perfection.
322
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:31,666
The boys will accept only the best,
323
00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:34,582
and yet mine looks nothing
like this good ham.
324
00:12:35,932 --> 00:12:37,107
Oh, bother.
325
00:12:37,150 --> 00:12:40,066
Maybe I should step away
and rest my fevered mind
326
00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:43,113
and returneth anew in the
freshness of the morn.
327
00:12:43,156 --> 00:12:45,898
But shall I secure my precious ham?
328
00:12:45,942 --> 00:12:50,163
Nay. Let it lieth here
under the eyes of angels.
329
00:12:51,425 --> 00:12:54,559
For now, I seeketh
repose in my chambers,
330
00:12:54,602 --> 00:12:57,997
to drift dreamward while
hardcore porn blasts
331
00:12:58,041 --> 00:13:00,478
on my Samsung Galaxy 9+.
332
00:13:00,521 --> 00:13:02,001
Let's see how much your butt buddy
333
00:13:02,045 --> 00:13:05,526
Arturo loves you after
he pukes his guts out.
334
00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:10,836
ROGER: Oh, this gentleman
doth be nice and veiny.
335
00:13:14,605 --> 00:13:16,651
My little birds tell me you skipped
336
00:13:16,694 --> 00:13:18,348
Tappahonnock last night.
337
00:13:18,392 --> 00:13:21,003
It's not like you to miss a carve, Stan.
338
00:13:21,046 --> 00:13:24,441
But it is like me to not eat poison.
339
00:13:24,485 --> 00:13:25,877
Tee-hee-hee-hee, hee-hee-hee-hee.
340
00:13:25,921 --> 00:13:28,228
You were right, Stan.
I should've stayed in my lane.
341
00:13:28,271 --> 00:13:32,014
Oh, was your ham not a
complete and total success?
342
00:13:32,057 --> 00:13:33,189
[ALL GROANING]
343
00:13:33,233 --> 00:13:35,322
Oh, my God, these men are far sicker
344
00:13:35,365 --> 00:13:37,454
than medium-strength
food-poisoning sick.
345
00:13:37,498 --> 00:13:38,586
That's a strange way to put it.
346
00:13:38,629 --> 00:13:41,676
Uh, uh, but would you agree?
Look at them.
347
00:13:41,719 --> 00:13:43,547
- They're at death's door.
- Stay calm.
348
00:13:43,591 --> 00:13:45,854
I'll load them into a U-Haul
and drive them into the ocean.
349
00:13:45,897 --> 00:13:48,073
- Just wait.
- I already rented the U-Haul, Stan.
350
00:13:48,117 --> 00:13:49,336
- It's done.
- Slow down.
351
00:13:49,379 --> 00:13:51,033
We could drop them at a hospital?
352
00:13:51,076 --> 00:13:52,252
A hospital.
353
00:13:52,295 --> 00:13:54,428
Those nosy nurses will track
this right back to me...
354
00:13:54,471 --> 00:13:56,377
I mean us... I mean you.
355
00:13:56,412 --> 00:13:59,476
We need to bring the men
somewhere quiet, secluded,
356
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:00,651
where we can nurse them back to health.
357
00:14:00,695 --> 00:14:03,001
My house in Maine. It's super secluded.
358
00:14:03,045 --> 00:14:06,657
And the Maine breezes, Stan,
oh, my God, they're curative.
359
00:14:06,701 --> 00:14:07,876
Okay, Maine.
360
00:14:07,919 --> 00:14:08,977
- Maine?
- Maine.
361
00:14:09,020 --> 00:14:11,023
- Maine!
- Maine!
362
00:14:12,533 --> 00:14:13,882
Those bones look broken.
363
00:14:13,925 --> 00:14:16,406
I suggest you get to Maine immediately.
364
00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:20,236
Eh, there's only so much Maine can do.
365
00:14:21,324 --> 00:14:24,458
Mom, you're awake.
You've been in a coma.
366
00:14:24,501 --> 00:14:25,763
What?
367
00:14:25,807 --> 00:14:28,026
You got hit by a truck
charging across the street
368
00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:29,593
to scare Greg.
369
00:14:31,378 --> 00:14:33,336
- Greg!
- [HORN HONKS, TIRES SCREECH]
370
00:14:34,481 --> 00:14:35,773
Look out!
371
00:14:36,633 --> 00:14:39,516
So, why are you in the hospital, Hayley?
372
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:40,604
Are you sick, too?
373
00:14:40,648 --> 00:14:43,259
No, I'm visiting you.
374
00:14:43,303 --> 00:14:44,869
Ah.
375
00:14:44,913 --> 00:14:47,307
Francine, thank God you're okay.
376
00:14:47,350 --> 00:14:48,960
But I didn't scare you.
377
00:14:49,004 --> 00:14:51,180
What? We didn't think you'd make it.
378
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,312
You scared me terribly.
379
00:14:53,514 --> 00:14:55,402
Yeah, I did, you little bitch.
380
00:14:55,445 --> 00:14:57,186
High five, Hayley.
381
00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,276
- Let's do the other one.
- Absolutely not.
382
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:01,377
Get it.
383
00:15:01,421 --> 00:15:03,497
Aah! Nurse!
384
00:15:06,407 --> 00:15:08,893
Now, I know sleeping in
a new bed can be scary,
385
00:15:08,937 --> 00:15:12,419
but just lie back and
let Maine do its work.
386
00:15:12,462 --> 00:15:14,986
Good night, you princes of ham,
387
00:15:15,030 --> 00:15:16,727
you kings of...
388
00:15:16,771 --> 00:15:18,990
ham.
389
00:15:20,396 --> 00:15:21,645
What are you doing? I was in there.
390
00:15:21,689 --> 00:15:24,300
You were?
Stan, those men are quite sick.
391
00:15:24,344 --> 00:15:25,736
They're not your playthings.
392
00:15:25,780 --> 00:15:27,825
Better make sure you didn't bother them.
393
00:15:27,869 --> 00:15:30,654
ROGER: Here comes the tickle monster.
394
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,224
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
395
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:38,314
Ah, first cup of the day.
396
00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:41,404
Second cup of the day.
397
00:15:42,351 --> 00:15:44,364
Third cup of the day.
398
00:15:45,870 --> 00:15:47,497
Ah.
399
00:15:47,541 --> 00:15:49,369
Now to cure the men.
400
00:15:53,460 --> 00:15:55,288
What a mess.
401
00:15:55,331 --> 00:15:57,768
♪♪
402
00:15:59,276 --> 00:16:01,076
Feel that Maine breeze, men.
403
00:16:01,119 --> 00:16:02,295
It'll cure you.
404
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:05,385
Sponge baths will also cure you, Arturo.
405
00:16:05,428 --> 00:16:07,996
Oh, I forgot
my soothing eucalyptus spray.
406
00:16:09,563 --> 00:16:12,522
Wait. Did I even pack that?
407
00:16:12,566 --> 00:16:13,623
Why am I running?
408
00:16:14,354 --> 00:16:16,396
Little more breeze time.
409
00:16:17,512 --> 00:16:18,585
Arturo, wake up.
410
00:16:18,628 --> 00:16:21,139
Chloe Sevigny's sucking
Vincent Gallo's di...
411
00:16:21,183 --> 00:16:22,576
[ALL GROANING]
412
00:16:22,619 --> 00:16:25,013
We should've done this
a long time ago, Stan.
413
00:16:25,056 --> 00:16:28,146
The men are really
responding to the ocean.
414
00:16:28,816 --> 00:16:31,976
Stan, have you noticed how
I hold my hot drinks in Maine...
415
00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:34,152
with two hands?
I think you should try it.
416
00:16:34,196 --> 00:16:36,590
The men aren't getting better, Roger.
417
00:16:40,768 --> 00:16:43,640
Stan! Arturo escaped!
418
00:16:43,684 --> 00:16:44,946
He can't have gone far.
419
00:16:44,989 --> 00:16:47,209
Grab a few Uzis,
and we'll fan out in the woods.
420
00:16:47,252 --> 00:16:49,516
God, I should never
have let you in this club.
421
00:16:49,559 --> 00:16:52,606
Then you couldn't have clowned
me so hard after I read my poem,
422
00:16:52,649 --> 00:16:55,130
I wouldn't have gotten
mad and poisoned your...
423
00:16:55,173 --> 00:16:56,392
Poisoned my what?
424
00:16:57,533 --> 00:16:59,134
Your ham. I poisoned your ham.
425
00:16:59,177 --> 00:17:01,571
Son of a bitch. You know what you did?
426
00:17:02,604 --> 00:17:04,705
- You took ham.
- What?
427
00:17:04,748 --> 00:17:08,622
Poisoning ham is the ultimate
example of taking ham.
428
00:17:08,665 --> 00:17:10,798
- So you're not mad?
- Mad?
429
00:17:10,841 --> 00:17:12,713
I'm proud of you, man.
430
00:17:12,756 --> 00:17:14,584
[ARTURO GROANS, FARTS]
431
00:17:17,239 --> 00:17:21,025
Arturo, what the heck are you
doing under there, you silly?
432
00:17:21,069 --> 00:17:22,766
[ARTURO GROANS]
433
00:17:22,810 --> 00:17:24,333
Wait. Did you hear that?
434
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:28,772
- What?
- He's trying to say, "Ha-a-a-m."
435
00:17:28,816 --> 00:17:30,687
- I'm not sure.
- Of course you're not sure.
436
00:17:30,731 --> 00:17:33,429
We don't know what we're doing.
But they know.
437
00:17:33,473 --> 00:17:34,822
Their bodies want ham.
438
00:17:34,865 --> 00:17:36,476
We need to make a ham so good
439
00:17:36,519 --> 00:17:38,695
it'll restore their will to live.
440
00:17:38,739 --> 00:17:41,176
- A redemption ham.
- Redemption ham.
441
00:17:41,219 --> 00:17:42,699
This ham's nice.
442
00:17:42,743 --> 00:17:44,614
Ooh, but this is also a nice ham.
443
00:17:44,658 --> 00:17:46,660
And get a load of this ham, Stan.
444
00:17:46,703 --> 00:17:48,052
That's the ham.
445
00:17:48,096 --> 00:17:49,489
Should we also get some pumpkin
butter while we're here?
446
00:17:49,532 --> 00:17:51,142
I think we have enough on our...
447
00:17:51,186 --> 00:17:53,275
Stan, we need to focus.
We have enough on our plate.
448
00:17:53,318 --> 00:17:54,624
Hands are full, Stan.
449
00:17:54,668 --> 00:17:56,278
Just buy the pumpkin butter.
450
00:17:56,321 --> 00:17:57,453
Two big ones.
451
00:18:00,630 --> 00:18:02,458
It seems you've
rediscovered your passion
452
00:18:02,502 --> 00:18:05,418
for curing and aging hams.
453
00:18:05,461 --> 00:18:10,248
♪♪
454
00:18:10,292 --> 00:18:13,817
[MEN FARTING]
455
00:18:13,861 --> 00:18:15,558
It stinks in here, right?
456
00:18:15,602 --> 00:18:16,616
Should I crack a window?
457
00:18:16,659 --> 00:18:20,607
I'm worried about the ham.
458
00:18:20,650 --> 00:18:22,347
It's not enough. Cut it down, Stan.
459
00:18:22,391 --> 00:18:23,566
Run. Run from the farts.
460
00:18:23,610 --> 00:18:25,525
It'll get in the ham.
461
00:18:25,568 --> 00:18:27,918
For those of you who
participated in the farting,
462
00:18:27,962 --> 00:18:30,617
I hope you had a good laugh,
but I've got a joke for you.
463
00:18:30,660 --> 00:18:31,661
Knock knock.
464
00:18:31,705 --> 00:18:34,142
Who's there? Not a ham to look at.
465
00:18:34,185 --> 00:18:37,362
Oh, I don't hear any laughing now.
466
00:18:37,406 --> 00:18:38,625
Sinking in, huh?
467
00:18:38,668 --> 00:18:39,930
It's sinking in what happened.
468
00:18:39,974 --> 00:18:41,889
Good. I want it to.
469
00:18:41,932 --> 00:18:43,412
Think long and hard.
470
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,110
Me? I'll be downstairs
with Stan, having fun,
471
00:18:46,154 --> 00:18:49,113
looking at the ham whenever I want.
472
00:18:49,157 --> 00:18:50,724
[MAN FARTS]
473
00:18:50,767 --> 00:18:52,856
Who did it? Who was it?
I'll smell every ass in...
474
00:18:55,424 --> 00:18:57,426
It's time, Arturo.
475
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:58,819
No.
476
00:18:58,862 --> 00:19:01,517
Not for that, silly,
for me and Stan's ham.
477
00:19:01,561 --> 00:19:02,997
It's gonna be nice.
478
00:19:03,824 --> 00:19:05,303
I hope this works.
479
00:19:05,347 --> 00:19:06,522
So, how do you want to serve it?
480
00:19:06,566 --> 00:19:07,654
Real thick-like?
481
00:19:07,697 --> 00:19:09,743
- Super thin.
- Like prosciutto.
482
00:19:09,786 --> 00:19:11,788
American prosciutto.
483
00:19:11,832 --> 00:19:13,529
Again with the correcting.
484
00:19:13,573 --> 00:19:20,580
♪♪
485
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,671
I don't understand.
486
00:19:24,714 --> 00:19:26,760
I can see there's no tricking you, Stan,
487
00:19:26,803 --> 00:19:27,817
so I'll just come clean.
488
00:19:27,861 --> 00:19:30,198
I poisoned our redemption ham.
489
00:19:30,241 --> 00:19:31,329
Why, you ask?
490
00:19:31,373 --> 00:19:33,027
Because I was having
so much fun with you,
491
00:19:33,070 --> 00:19:35,856
and I knew if the men got better,
we'd leave.
492
00:19:35,899 --> 00:19:37,945
I think it was just always about that.
493
00:19:37,988 --> 00:19:41,731
Joining the club,
I just wanted to spend time with you.
494
00:19:41,775 --> 00:19:42,776
I'm sorry.
495
00:19:42,819 --> 00:19:44,386
No, I'm sorry.
496
00:19:44,429 --> 00:19:45,605
I was a jerk.
497
00:19:45,648 --> 00:19:47,084
You said no one would like me.
498
00:19:47,128 --> 00:19:49,130
I know, and I was wrong.
499
00:19:49,173 --> 00:19:51,306
Plus, you taught me to take ham.
500
00:19:51,349 --> 00:19:53,743
Do you have any idea how big that is?
501
00:19:53,787 --> 00:19:56,180
Hug time?
502
00:19:56,224 --> 00:19:57,878
I also poisoned the first ham.
503
00:19:57,921 --> 00:19:59,575
- What?
- The ham you poisoned?
504
00:19:59,619 --> 00:20:00,837
I also poisoned it.
505
00:20:00,881 --> 00:20:02,404
- Like, a lot.
- Why'd you do that?
506
00:20:02,447 --> 00:20:03,623
To get you to Maine, man.
507
00:20:03,666 --> 00:20:04,841
How great is it here?
508
00:20:04,885 --> 00:20:05,886
Very great.
509
00:20:05,929 --> 00:20:07,540
You know what's not so very great?
510
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:08,584
The men.
511
00:20:08,628 --> 00:20:11,152
Ah, yes, the sticky question of the men.
512
00:20:11,195 --> 00:20:12,632
I've been thinking on this, Stan,
513
00:20:12,675 --> 00:20:15,330
and when I put my mind
to something, watch out,
514
00:20:15,373 --> 00:20:17,854
because great things can occur.
515
00:20:19,073 --> 00:20:20,335
Were you gonna say an idea?
516
00:20:20,378 --> 00:20:22,772
Oh, yeah.
I'll stop feeding them poison hams.
517
00:20:22,816 --> 00:20:24,078
I'll also stop poisoning their water.
518
00:20:24,121 --> 00:20:25,862
I've been poisoning their water.
519
00:20:25,906 --> 00:20:27,647
Although, I will say,
I think they like the poison water
520
00:20:27,690 --> 00:20:29,170
even though it's bad for them.
521
00:20:29,213 --> 00:20:31,346
People don't know what's good
for them, Stan.
522
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:33,547
_
523
00:20:34,915 --> 00:20:38,005
- Let us out of here!
- My family thinks I'm dead!
524
00:20:38,048 --> 00:20:39,528
There's gonna be hell to pay!
525
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,705
- The men seem to be thriving, Roger.
- I'll say.
526
00:20:42,749 --> 00:20:45,708
You know, if we're gonna do that
little detour to Lake Champlain,
527
00:20:45,752 --> 00:20:47,275
which I would really like to do,
528
00:20:47,318 --> 00:20:48,972
the men will have to be subdued.
529
00:20:49,016 --> 00:20:51,279
Oh, we're doing the trip.
530
00:20:51,322 --> 00:20:54,674
Alright, piggies, it's watering time.
531
00:20:54,717 --> 00:20:58,591
Oh, boy! Water!
532
00:20:58,634 --> 00:21:00,462
Bye-bye. See you soon.
533
00:21:01,962 --> 00:21:03,979
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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