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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,610 --> 00:00:04,003 It's official. 2 00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:06,484 I closed escrow on my house in Maine. 3 00:00:06,527 --> 00:00:08,355 - Alright, Roger! - Alright, alright, alright! 4 00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:09,487 Whoo! 5 00:00:09,530 --> 00:00:11,706 Yeah, Stan, yeah. 6 00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:13,578 Thanks, Roger, but I was dancing for me. 7 00:00:13,621 --> 00:00:15,231 My friend Skip Yates died. 8 00:00:15,275 --> 00:00:17,277 You're dancing 'cause your friend died? 9 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:19,627 Well, he was a member of my ham club. 10 00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:21,629 I'll now explain what that is. 11 00:00:21,673 --> 00:00:24,632 For those who already know, I authorize you to leave the room. 12 00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:25,981 [CLATTERING, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS] 13 00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:27,635 The Tappahonnock Ham Society 14 00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:29,332 is a brotherhood of Southern gentlemen 15 00:00:29,376 --> 00:00:31,552 who carry out the great Virginian tradition 16 00:00:31,596 --> 00:00:33,554 of curing and aging hams. 17 00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:35,556 - Ham the meat? - The same. 18 00:00:36,842 --> 00:00:38,690 - That's cool. - Very. 19 00:00:38,733 --> 00:00:39,995 And the only way to rise up the ranks 20 00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:41,997 in ham club is if someone dies. 21 00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:44,478 So Skip's death is friggin' huge for me. 22 00:00:44,522 --> 00:00:45,784 And why? 23 00:00:46,666 --> 00:00:49,440 I'll get slightly better ham now. 24 00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,050 Thanks, Skippy. 25 00:00:51,703 --> 00:00:53,661 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] 26 00:00:54,412 --> 00:00:56,534 - Do you have... - A governing body in ham club? 27 00:00:56,577 --> 00:00:57,752 Excellent question. 28 00:00:57,796 --> 00:00:59,972 We have a president, VP, treasurer, 29 00:01:00,015 --> 00:01:02,409 and, best job of all, carver. 30 00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:05,325 And that position is open, thanks to the big-rig tire 31 00:01:05,368 --> 00:01:07,109 that jumped through Skip's windshield. 32 00:01:07,153 --> 00:01:10,286 I was gonna ask you if had any idea where the bathroom was. 33 00:01:10,330 --> 00:01:11,723 The bathroom at ham club? 34 00:01:11,766 --> 00:01:13,638 It's an 18th-century outhouse. 35 00:01:13,681 --> 00:01:16,249 Pretty cool. 36 00:01:16,292 --> 00:01:17,685 That is pretty cool. 37 00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:19,121 With a red-eye gravy 38 00:01:19,165 --> 00:01:21,559 sandwiched between a fresh buttermilk biscuit. 39 00:01:21,602 --> 00:01:24,039 Mmm. Ham, you mean. 40 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:26,085 Well, I think I'll turn in. 41 00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:29,567 Can I get you two some coffee... to go? 42 00:01:29,610 --> 00:01:31,220 No, Carol. Thank you. 43 00:01:31,264 --> 00:01:32,874 You can put the coffee in proper mugs. 44 00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:35,834 We're gonna stay a while. 45 00:01:35,877 --> 00:01:37,879 Stan, I know this might sound crazy, 46 00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:40,403 but I feel like your friend died for a reason... 47 00:01:40,447 --> 00:01:43,319 to open up a slot for me in ham club. 48 00:01:43,363 --> 00:01:46,105 You in ham club? I don't think so. 49 00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:48,237 - Why not? - You're not a good fit. 50 00:01:48,281 --> 00:01:50,762 By that, I just mean I don't think anyone would like you. 51 00:01:50,805 --> 00:01:53,592 Also, you have a tendency to ruin all my things. 52 00:01:53,627 --> 00:01:55,070 I ruin everyone's things. 53 00:01:55,114 --> 00:01:57,725 That's my thing, and now you've ruined it. 54 00:01:57,769 --> 00:02:00,467 [CRYING] 55 00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:02,861 ♪♪ 56 00:02:02,904 --> 00:02:05,298 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 57 00:02:05,341 --> 00:02:09,215 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 58 00:02:09,258 --> 00:02:12,479 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 59 00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:16,875 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 60 00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:22,184 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 61 00:02:22,228 --> 00:02:24,622 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 62 00:02:24,665 --> 00:02:25,666 Aah! 63 00:02:27,015 --> 00:02:30,366 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 64 00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:34,719 Roger wants to join ham club. 65 00:02:34,762 --> 00:02:36,590 Roger? No. 66 00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:38,374 Ham club has standards, Stan. 67 00:02:38,418 --> 00:02:40,768 I tried to tell him that, but he gets so emotional. 68 00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:43,379 He's carrying around his vial of hemlock again. 69 00:02:43,423 --> 00:02:46,295 Does Roger even have a relationship with ham? 70 00:02:46,339 --> 00:02:48,428 - None. - So get him an interview. 71 00:02:48,471 --> 00:02:50,735 Let his lack of ham knowledge do the rest. 72 00:02:50,778 --> 00:02:52,519 That's genius. 73 00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:53,607 I'm a friend. 74 00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:55,174 I throw his hat in the ring. 75 00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:58,220 But you coach him so he doesn't jeopardize your reputation 76 00:02:58,264 --> 00:03:01,180 with any of his typical Roger antics. 77 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,485 I thread the needle. 78 00:03:02,529 --> 00:03:03,617 There's nothing easier. 79 00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:05,053 I know I don't say it enough, Klaus, 80 00:03:05,097 --> 00:03:06,707 but you're a hell of a valet. 81 00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:08,143 Don't mention it, Stan. 82 00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,189 The way you shit on me in front of everyone 83 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,626 and pretend we don't have this special connection 84 00:03:12,670 --> 00:03:14,802 is thank you enough. 85 00:03:17,109 --> 00:03:18,632 Oh, my God. Tuttle? 86 00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:20,416 He is such a scaredy-cat. 87 00:03:20,677 --> 00:03:23,376 Yeah, I've seen him scared tons of times. 88 00:03:23,419 --> 00:03:24,464 I've seen Jeff scared. 89 00:03:24,507 --> 00:03:27,206 Oh, yeah, I've seen, like, 20 Jeffs scared. 90 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:31,297 Spell it with a "G," a "J," if your name's Jeff, 91 00:03:31,340 --> 00:03:33,647 you're scared, and I've seen it. 92 00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:36,084 Check it. I'm gonna flip it on you. 93 00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:39,392 Who have you never seen scared? 94 00:03:39,435 --> 00:03:41,655 Great cue. 95 00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:44,832 You know, I've... I've never seen Greg scared. 96 00:03:44,876 --> 00:03:46,791 That's true. Weird. 97 00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:48,183 Pfft, Greg. 98 00:03:48,227 --> 00:03:49,445 Greg the egg. 99 00:03:49,489 --> 00:03:50,546 I could scare him. 100 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,710 Oh-ho-ho-ho. How would you do it? 101 00:03:52,753 --> 00:03:55,713 Easy. Come at him with an ax. 102 00:03:55,756 --> 00:03:58,498 [ROGER SOBBING] 103 00:03:58,541 --> 00:04:00,848 [CRYING] 104 00:04:00,892 --> 00:04:02,763 Wow, Roger, this place looks great. 105 00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:04,939 I'll drink it, Stan. I will. 106 00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:06,637 I got you an interview with my ham club. 107 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,377 Oh, thank you, Stan. 108 00:04:08,421 --> 00:04:09,770 I'm so friggin' amped. 109 00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:11,816 [GRUNTS] 110 00:04:11,859 --> 00:04:12,991 About that. 111 00:04:13,034 --> 00:04:14,906 Sometimes you can be a little big. 112 00:04:14,949 --> 00:04:17,343 - I'll wear my girdle. - I mean your personality. 113 00:04:17,386 --> 00:04:20,781 - My personality? - It's just you can be flamboyant, 114 00:04:20,825 --> 00:04:21,913 and these guys are fancy. 115 00:04:21,956 --> 00:04:23,784 You put those polar opposites together, 116 00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:26,178 - and things could get... - Flambancy? 117 00:04:26,221 --> 00:04:28,702 - Exactly. - So should I not be myself? 118 00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:30,617 Yes. Thanks for making this easy. 119 00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:32,184 So how should I act? 120 00:04:32,227 --> 00:04:33,794 Buttoned-up, humble, all about ham. 121 00:04:33,838 --> 00:04:35,187 What were you thinking of wearing? 122 00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:37,755 Two hooks for my hands, two hooks for my feet. 123 00:04:39,482 --> 00:04:41,439 _ 124 00:04:41,904 --> 00:04:43,137 Hello, Roger. 125 00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:44,573 I'm Ignatius Calhoun, 126 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:47,837 22nd President of the Tappahonnock Ham Society, 127 00:04:47,881 --> 00:04:50,840 and on behalf of the membership, thank you for chatting with us 128 00:04:50,884 --> 00:04:54,540 about a subject we hold most dear. 129 00:04:54,583 --> 00:04:57,673 I speak, of course, of ham. 130 00:04:57,717 --> 00:05:00,023 [CHUCKLES] Of course. 131 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,025 I know you're a friend of Brother Stan, 132 00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:05,246 so I'll get to the meat of the matter. 133 00:05:05,289 --> 00:05:07,074 Do you like ham? 134 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,905 Roger? Your thoughts on ham? 135 00:05:11,948 --> 00:05:13,297 Yes, yes. 136 00:05:13,341 --> 00:05:15,735 Bottom line, there's not a thing in all God's creation 137 00:05:15,778 --> 00:05:17,693 I love more than the taste of clam. 138 00:05:17,737 --> 00:05:20,000 Uh, sorry. What I'm trying to say is that, 139 00:05:20,043 --> 00:05:23,264 more than anything in the world, I want in your clam club. 140 00:05:23,307 --> 00:05:24,657 Sugar. 141 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:28,051 Obviously, you get I'm trying to say "clam," not "clam." 142 00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,139 Motherfu... 143 00:05:29,183 --> 00:05:30,880 Thanks so much. 144 00:05:30,924 --> 00:05:32,360 Pleasure. 145 00:05:32,404 --> 00:05:33,709 Excuse my handshake. 146 00:05:33,753 --> 00:05:36,059 It's not an accurate reflection of who I am. 147 00:05:37,974 --> 00:05:40,586 He's a really nice guy, but... 148 00:05:40,629 --> 00:05:42,109 Not a Tappahonnock man. I get it. 149 00:05:42,152 --> 00:05:43,458 I'll let him down easy. 150 00:05:44,062 --> 00:05:45,547 That wasn't so bad. 151 00:05:45,591 --> 00:05:47,157 [ENGINE STARTS] 152 00:05:47,201 --> 00:05:49,986 Whatever happens now is out of my control. 153 00:05:50,030 --> 00:05:52,293 [SIGHS] 154 00:05:52,336 --> 00:05:53,468 No, no, no, no, no, no. 155 00:05:53,512 --> 00:05:54,861 Ain't happening, Jack. 156 00:05:54,904 --> 00:05:57,733 Now, with status quo secure, 157 00:05:57,777 --> 00:06:00,736 shall we get down to the matter at ham? 158 00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:02,999 More like matter at ham. 159 00:06:03,043 --> 00:06:04,697 - [LAUGHTER] - That... that was... 160 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,655 That was my joke. 161 00:06:07,787 --> 00:06:08,875 What the hell is going on? 162 00:06:08,918 --> 00:06:10,442 ♪♪ 163 00:06:10,485 --> 00:06:11,660 Oh, shit. 164 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:15,708 ♪♪ 165 00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:20,495 ♪ Come on, babe, why don't we paint the town? ♪ 166 00:06:20,539 --> 00:06:22,105 ♪ And all that ham ♪ 167 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:27,981 ♪ I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down ♪ 168 00:06:28,024 --> 00:06:29,765 ♪ And all that ham ♪ 169 00:06:29,809 --> 00:06:32,986 ♪ Start the car, I know a whoopee spot ♪ 170 00:06:33,029 --> 00:06:36,424 ♪ Where the ham is cold, but some of it's also hot ♪ 171 00:06:36,468 --> 00:06:40,646 ♪ It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl ♪ 172 00:06:40,689 --> 00:06:46,782 ♪ And all that jazz ham ♪ 173 00:06:46,826 --> 00:06:48,305 [SONG ENDS] 174 00:06:48,349 --> 00:06:50,220 - [STAN GRUNTS] - So, do you think it went well? 175 00:06:50,264 --> 00:06:52,005 I just slammed you against a wall. 176 00:06:52,048 --> 00:06:55,617 Yeah, but sometimes people do that before hardcore sex. 177 00:06:55,661 --> 00:06:57,184 - Are we... - You made a fool of me. 178 00:06:57,227 --> 00:06:58,620 I never should've vouched for you. 179 00:06:58,664 --> 00:07:01,623 You owe us an apology, Smith. 180 00:07:01,667 --> 00:07:03,669 Where you been hiding this guy? 181 00:07:03,712 --> 00:07:05,758 Roger, we'd be honored 182 00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:08,108 if you'd join the Tappahonnock Ham Society. 183 00:07:08,151 --> 00:07:09,892 - What? - What? Oh, my God. 184 00:07:09,936 --> 00:07:11,633 I was so worried you wouldn't let me in 185 00:07:11,677 --> 00:07:13,809 after I did the splits and that feather went up my butt, 186 00:07:13,853 --> 00:07:15,811 but maybe you didn't notice. 187 00:07:16,977 --> 00:07:20,399 IGNATIUS: Heavenly Father, we thank You for providing this ham. 188 00:07:20,443 --> 00:07:21,835 This ham is a good ham, 189 00:07:21,879 --> 00:07:24,577 and it is the work of Your hands. 190 00:07:24,621 --> 00:07:26,710 May this ham bless our bodies 191 00:07:26,753 --> 00:07:30,670 and give us the strength to endure the day. 192 00:07:30,714 --> 00:07:31,797 Amen. 193 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,369 Nice [BLEEP] prayer, man. 194 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,675 Are you nuts? 195 00:07:35,719 --> 00:07:37,416 It's your first day. Stay in your lane. 196 00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:39,636 Geez. Got it. Sorry. 197 00:07:39,679 --> 00:07:41,594 Hey, check it out. Meat curtains. 198 00:07:41,638 --> 00:07:43,770 [LAUGHTER] 199 00:07:44,424 --> 00:07:45,555 This guy's a live wire. 200 00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:48,514 Look at me. I'm somebody's wife. 201 00:07:50,211 --> 00:07:54,694 ♪♪ 202 00:07:54,738 --> 00:07:56,609 Mr. Brave, huh? 203 00:07:56,653 --> 00:07:58,655 That's what you're calling yourself? 204 00:07:58,698 --> 00:08:01,005 'Cause that's a bunch of crap, if you ask me. 205 00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:02,615 Hi, Francine. 206 00:08:02,659 --> 00:08:03,921 Hi? 207 00:08:03,964 --> 00:08:07,620 Let's see who's saying hi when I change your world. 208 00:08:07,664 --> 00:08:08,752 What you doing with the ax? 209 00:08:08,795 --> 00:08:12,843 This is what I'm doing with the ax, Greg! 210 00:08:14,584 --> 00:08:16,977 - Mmm. - Good gracious. 211 00:08:18,006 --> 00:08:20,677 I propose we move on to discussing glazes. 212 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,375 Now, I've been contemplating dried honeysuckle. 213 00:08:23,418 --> 00:08:25,406 Ugh, again with the ham? 214 00:08:25,441 --> 00:08:27,230 Don't you guys ever do anything else? 215 00:08:27,265 --> 00:08:29,421 This is a ham club. 216 00:08:29,456 --> 00:08:30,676 And I love ham. 217 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:32,906 Top 10 meat, no question. But there's more to life. 218 00:08:32,950 --> 00:08:35,332 - Like what? - I don't know. 219 00:08:35,367 --> 00:08:36,562 Anyone heard of Six Flags? 220 00:08:36,606 --> 00:08:39,304 - Well, that sounds good. - What about ham? 221 00:08:39,347 --> 00:08:40,880 Arturo's smiling. 222 00:08:40,915 --> 00:08:42,742 What do you say, Iggy? Day at the park? 223 00:08:42,786 --> 00:08:43,874 You're a prime candidate 224 00:08:43,917 --> 00:08:47,530 for Yosemite Sam's Hollywood Flight School. 225 00:08:48,478 --> 00:08:49,532 Let's get in the car! 226 00:08:49,575 --> 00:08:53,884 - Alright, alright, alright. - I say, whoo-hoo! 227 00:08:53,927 --> 00:08:57,801 I hope my face shows how mad I am emotionally. 228 00:08:57,844 --> 00:09:01,152 MAN: Stop the coaster! Something's wrong! 229 00:09:02,313 --> 00:09:04,372 - Stupid Roger. - Stan, where the heck were you 230 00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:06,026 during the "Looney Tunes" meet and greet? 231 00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:08,725 Arturo high-fived Speedy Gonzales. 232 00:09:08,768 --> 00:09:10,509 Congratulations, Roger. 233 00:09:10,553 --> 00:09:12,903 Once again, you've ruined something I love. 234 00:09:12,946 --> 00:09:15,558 Arturo, why don't you run along and buy some churros... 235 00:09:15,601 --> 00:09:16,733 and a basketball jersey. 236 00:09:16,776 --> 00:09:17,864 I feel overdressed. 237 00:09:17,908 --> 00:09:19,387 Probably a long shot they sell them here, 238 00:09:19,431 --> 00:09:21,433 but everyone's wearing one, so maybe. 239 00:09:21,476 --> 00:09:24,218 The club was perfect, but you just had to change it. 240 00:09:24,262 --> 00:09:25,872 You couldn't stay in your lane. 241 00:09:25,916 --> 00:09:26,986 Lane, schmane. 242 00:09:27,030 --> 00:09:28,745 - Just take ham. - What ham? 243 00:09:28,788 --> 00:09:29,963 Any ham. All the ham. 244 00:09:30,007 --> 00:09:32,749 Whatever "ham" you want in life, just take it. 245 00:09:32,792 --> 00:09:35,795 See this? It's Arturo's two-year ham. 246 00:09:35,839 --> 00:09:36,896 How'd you get that? 247 00:09:36,940 --> 00:09:39,218 Only cabinet members get the prestige ham. 248 00:09:39,253 --> 00:09:41,395 I took it. Did it in front of him, too. 249 00:09:41,430 --> 00:09:43,934 He didn't say shit. Here. 250 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:49,417 Arturo, Stan ganked a piece of your two-year. 251 00:09:49,461 --> 00:09:50,549 [GASPS] 252 00:09:51,855 --> 00:09:54,727 See? You just took ham, and there were no repercussions. 253 00:09:54,771 --> 00:09:55,902 Whoa. 254 00:09:55,946 --> 00:09:58,992 Now picture "taking ham" in the biggest way possible. 255 00:09:59,036 --> 00:10:00,864 Doesn't have to be ham-related. 256 00:10:00,907 --> 00:10:02,779 What do you want most in life? 257 00:10:02,822 --> 00:10:04,519 I want to be the new ham carver. 258 00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:06,609 Yes. It didn't have to be ham-related, 259 00:10:06,652 --> 00:10:07,653 but I'm glad it was. 260 00:10:07,697 --> 00:10:09,742 It's settled. You're gonna be carver. 261 00:10:09,786 --> 00:10:10,874 But how? 262 00:10:11,772 --> 00:10:13,180 Put on a fresh pot, Carol. 263 00:10:13,215 --> 00:10:14,486 We're writing a candidacy poem. 264 00:10:14,529 --> 00:10:16,836 - A what? - Yeah, I need clarification, too. 265 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,144 Stan, it's a poem to announce, with authority, 266 00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:22,537 you're the man to carve the ham. 267 00:10:22,581 --> 00:10:23,974 Oh, we're already rhyming. 268 00:10:24,017 --> 00:10:26,324 Oh, my God, Carol. Why aren't you writing this down? 269 00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:30,328 Ham, pam, ram, bam, blam, shlam. 270 00:10:30,371 --> 00:10:31,503 - Shlam! - Shlam! 271 00:10:31,546 --> 00:10:33,331 I like to eat my ham. 272 00:10:33,374 --> 00:10:35,746 It makes me feel like shmam. 273 00:10:35,781 --> 00:10:37,335 - Hey, another rhyme. - I brought cookies. 274 00:10:37,378 --> 00:10:39,642 Not now, Carol. We're finally onto something. 275 00:10:39,685 --> 00:10:41,861 I have nothing. I'm a fraud. 276 00:10:41,905 --> 00:10:44,777 All I can hear is the ticking of this tiny clock. 277 00:10:44,821 --> 00:10:45,865 [CLOCK CRASHES] 278 00:10:45,909 --> 00:10:47,911 [BOTH MUNCHING] 279 00:10:47,954 --> 00:10:49,913 I was probably too harsh on Carol. 280 00:10:49,956 --> 00:10:51,871 This cookie was just the spark I needed. 281 00:10:51,915 --> 00:10:53,830 - She should've knocked. - Right? 282 00:10:53,873 --> 00:10:55,353 Well, we did it. 283 00:10:55,396 --> 00:10:57,094 I think it's pretty good, too. 284 00:10:57,137 --> 00:10:58,748 So, how long you been writing poems? 285 00:10:58,791 --> 00:11:00,532 Oh, God, all my life. 286 00:11:00,575 --> 00:11:04,275 Kind of what I thought I'd be, a poem-writing guy. 287 00:11:04,318 --> 00:11:08,758 ♪♪ 288 00:11:11,978 --> 00:11:14,851 "I like to eat my ham. 289 00:11:14,894 --> 00:11:17,505 "It makes me feel like shmam. 290 00:11:17,549 --> 00:11:20,378 "Have you seen the movie 'Kazaam'? 291 00:11:20,421 --> 00:11:21,727 "But back to ham. 292 00:11:21,771 --> 00:11:23,381 "Did you know that an imam 293 00:11:23,424 --> 00:11:25,862 "is a man who leads prayers in a mosque? 294 00:11:25,905 --> 00:11:29,422 "What if you pronounced imam "i-mam"? 295 00:11:29,457 --> 00:11:31,563 "W-would that make you think of ham? 296 00:11:31,606 --> 00:11:33,478 "My name is Stan. 297 00:11:33,521 --> 00:11:34,827 Ham." 298 00:11:34,871 --> 00:11:36,481 ROGER: Ne-e-xt. 299 00:11:36,524 --> 00:11:38,570 [LAUGHTER] 300 00:11:38,613 --> 00:11:41,007 What kind of dillbag writes a poem? 301 00:11:41,051 --> 00:11:42,835 The poem sucked. 302 00:11:42,879 --> 00:11:47,057 I dare say, Roger, you should be the new ham carver. 303 00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:48,798 Me? Okay, I'll do it. 304 00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:50,974 - Whoo-hoo! - My man! 305 00:11:51,017 --> 00:11:52,889 I wrote the poem, by the way. 306 00:11:52,932 --> 00:11:54,629 We loved the poem. 307 00:11:57,769 --> 00:11:59,460 Hey, bud, great meeting tonight. 308 00:11:59,504 --> 00:12:00,548 You sabotaged me. 309 00:12:00,592 --> 00:12:01,680 Well, yeah, Stan. 310 00:12:01,724 --> 00:12:03,029 You didn't want me in your ham club. 311 00:12:03,073 --> 00:12:04,814 That really hurt my feelings. 312 00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:07,468 I didn't want you in my ham club because you do things like this. 313 00:12:07,512 --> 00:12:10,297 Eh, feels like we got a "chicken or the egg" situation here. 314 00:12:10,341 --> 00:12:12,256 Besides, we bust balls in this club. 315 00:12:12,299 --> 00:12:14,084 You got to come right back at me, dude. 316 00:12:14,127 --> 00:12:16,826 Arturo actually brought that up. He's been clocking it. 317 00:12:16,869 --> 00:12:18,175 He's actually a pretty funny guy if you can get him 318 00:12:18,218 --> 00:12:20,264 talking about something other than... 319 00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:21,961 dinosaurs. 320 00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:27,967 Oh, God, how I want my first ham for the club 321 00:12:28,011 --> 00:12:29,664 to be absolute perfection. 322 00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:31,666 The boys will accept only the best, 323 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:34,582 and yet mine looks nothing like this good ham. 324 00:12:35,932 --> 00:12:37,107 Oh, bother. 325 00:12:37,150 --> 00:12:40,066 Maybe I should step away and rest my fevered mind 326 00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:43,113 and returneth anew in the freshness of the morn. 327 00:12:43,156 --> 00:12:45,898 But shall I secure my precious ham? 328 00:12:45,942 --> 00:12:50,163 Nay. Let it lieth here under the eyes of angels. 329 00:12:51,425 --> 00:12:54,559 For now, I seeketh repose in my chambers, 330 00:12:54,602 --> 00:12:57,997 to drift dreamward while hardcore porn blasts 331 00:12:58,041 --> 00:13:00,478 on my Samsung Galaxy 9+. 332 00:13:00,521 --> 00:13:02,001 Let's see how much your butt buddy 333 00:13:02,045 --> 00:13:05,526 Arturo loves you after he pukes his guts out. 334 00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:10,836 ROGER: Oh, this gentleman doth be nice and veiny. 335 00:13:14,605 --> 00:13:16,651 My little birds tell me you skipped 336 00:13:16,694 --> 00:13:18,348 Tappahonnock last night. 337 00:13:18,392 --> 00:13:21,003 It's not like you to miss a carve, Stan. 338 00:13:21,046 --> 00:13:24,441 But it is like me to not eat poison. 339 00:13:24,485 --> 00:13:25,877 Tee-hee-hee-hee, hee-hee-hee-hee. 340 00:13:25,921 --> 00:13:28,228 You were right, Stan. I should've stayed in my lane. 341 00:13:28,271 --> 00:13:32,014 Oh, was your ham not a complete and total success? 342 00:13:32,057 --> 00:13:33,189 [ALL GROANING] 343 00:13:33,233 --> 00:13:35,322 Oh, my God, these men are far sicker 344 00:13:35,365 --> 00:13:37,454 than medium-strength food-poisoning sick. 345 00:13:37,498 --> 00:13:38,586 That's a strange way to put it. 346 00:13:38,629 --> 00:13:41,676 Uh, uh, but would you agree? Look at them. 347 00:13:41,719 --> 00:13:43,547 - They're at death's door. - Stay calm. 348 00:13:43,591 --> 00:13:45,854 I'll load them into a U-Haul and drive them into the ocean. 349 00:13:45,897 --> 00:13:48,073 - Just wait. - I already rented the U-Haul, Stan. 350 00:13:48,117 --> 00:13:49,336 - It's done. - Slow down. 351 00:13:49,379 --> 00:13:51,033 We could drop them at a hospital? 352 00:13:51,076 --> 00:13:52,252 A hospital. 353 00:13:52,295 --> 00:13:54,428 Those nosy nurses will track this right back to me... 354 00:13:54,471 --> 00:13:56,377 I mean us... I mean you. 355 00:13:56,412 --> 00:13:59,476 We need to bring the men somewhere quiet, secluded, 356 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:00,651 where we can nurse them back to health. 357 00:14:00,695 --> 00:14:03,001 My house in Maine. It's super secluded. 358 00:14:03,045 --> 00:14:06,657 And the Maine breezes, Stan, oh, my God, they're curative. 359 00:14:06,701 --> 00:14:07,876 Okay, Maine. 360 00:14:07,919 --> 00:14:08,977 - Maine? - Maine. 361 00:14:09,020 --> 00:14:11,023 - Maine! - Maine! 362 00:14:12,533 --> 00:14:13,882 Those bones look broken. 363 00:14:13,925 --> 00:14:16,406 I suggest you get to Maine immediately. 364 00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:20,236 Eh, there's only so much Maine can do. 365 00:14:21,324 --> 00:14:24,458 Mom, you're awake. You've been in a coma. 366 00:14:24,501 --> 00:14:25,763 What? 367 00:14:25,807 --> 00:14:28,026 You got hit by a truck charging across the street 368 00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:29,593 to scare Greg. 369 00:14:31,378 --> 00:14:33,336 - Greg! - [HORN HONKS, TIRES SCREECH] 370 00:14:34,481 --> 00:14:35,773 Look out! 371 00:14:36,633 --> 00:14:39,516 So, why are you in the hospital, Hayley? 372 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:40,604 Are you sick, too? 373 00:14:40,648 --> 00:14:43,259 No, I'm visiting you. 374 00:14:43,303 --> 00:14:44,869 Ah. 375 00:14:44,913 --> 00:14:47,307 Francine, thank God you're okay. 376 00:14:47,350 --> 00:14:48,960 But I didn't scare you. 377 00:14:49,004 --> 00:14:51,180 What? We didn't think you'd make it. 378 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,312 You scared me terribly. 379 00:14:53,514 --> 00:14:55,402 Yeah, I did, you little bitch. 380 00:14:55,445 --> 00:14:57,186 High five, Hayley. 381 00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,276 - Let's do the other one. - Absolutely not. 382 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:01,377 Get it. 383 00:15:01,421 --> 00:15:03,497 Aah! Nurse! 384 00:15:06,407 --> 00:15:08,893 Now, I know sleeping in a new bed can be scary, 385 00:15:08,937 --> 00:15:12,419 but just lie back and let Maine do its work. 386 00:15:12,462 --> 00:15:14,986 Good night, you princes of ham, 387 00:15:15,030 --> 00:15:16,727 you kings of... 388 00:15:16,771 --> 00:15:18,990 ham. 389 00:15:20,396 --> 00:15:21,645 What are you doing? I was in there. 390 00:15:21,689 --> 00:15:24,300 You were? Stan, those men are quite sick. 391 00:15:24,344 --> 00:15:25,736 They're not your playthings. 392 00:15:25,780 --> 00:15:27,825 Better make sure you didn't bother them. 393 00:15:27,869 --> 00:15:30,654 ROGER: Here comes the tickle monster. 394 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,224 [BREATHES DEEPLY] 395 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:38,314 Ah, first cup of the day. 396 00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:41,404 Second cup of the day. 397 00:15:42,351 --> 00:15:44,364 Third cup of the day. 398 00:15:45,870 --> 00:15:47,497 Ah. 399 00:15:47,541 --> 00:15:49,369 Now to cure the men. 400 00:15:53,460 --> 00:15:55,288 What a mess. 401 00:15:55,331 --> 00:15:57,768 ♪♪ 402 00:15:59,276 --> 00:16:01,076 Feel that Maine breeze, men. 403 00:16:01,119 --> 00:16:02,295 It'll cure you. 404 00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:05,385 Sponge baths will also cure you, Arturo. 405 00:16:05,428 --> 00:16:07,996 Oh, I forgot my soothing eucalyptus spray. 406 00:16:09,563 --> 00:16:12,522 Wait. Did I even pack that? 407 00:16:12,566 --> 00:16:13,623 Why am I running? 408 00:16:14,354 --> 00:16:16,396 Little more breeze time. 409 00:16:17,512 --> 00:16:18,585 Arturo, wake up. 410 00:16:18,628 --> 00:16:21,139 Chloe Sevigny's sucking Vincent Gallo's di... 411 00:16:21,183 --> 00:16:22,576 [ALL GROANING] 412 00:16:22,619 --> 00:16:25,013 We should've done this a long time ago, Stan. 413 00:16:25,056 --> 00:16:28,146 The men are really responding to the ocean. 414 00:16:28,816 --> 00:16:31,976 Stan, have you noticed how I hold my hot drinks in Maine... 415 00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:34,152 with two hands? I think you should try it. 416 00:16:34,196 --> 00:16:36,590 The men aren't getting better, Roger. 417 00:16:40,768 --> 00:16:43,640 Stan! Arturo escaped! 418 00:16:43,684 --> 00:16:44,946 He can't have gone far. 419 00:16:44,989 --> 00:16:47,209 Grab a few Uzis, and we'll fan out in the woods. 420 00:16:47,252 --> 00:16:49,516 God, I should never have let you in this club. 421 00:16:49,559 --> 00:16:52,606 Then you couldn't have clowned me so hard after I read my poem, 422 00:16:52,649 --> 00:16:55,130 I wouldn't have gotten mad and poisoned your... 423 00:16:55,173 --> 00:16:56,392 Poisoned my what? 424 00:16:57,533 --> 00:16:59,134 Your ham. I poisoned your ham. 425 00:16:59,177 --> 00:17:01,571 Son of a bitch. You know what you did? 426 00:17:02,604 --> 00:17:04,705 - You took ham. - What? 427 00:17:04,748 --> 00:17:08,622 Poisoning ham is the ultimate example of taking ham. 428 00:17:08,665 --> 00:17:10,798 - So you're not mad? - Mad? 429 00:17:10,841 --> 00:17:12,713 I'm proud of you, man. 430 00:17:12,756 --> 00:17:14,584 [ARTURO GROANS, FARTS] 431 00:17:17,239 --> 00:17:21,025 Arturo, what the heck are you doing under there, you silly? 432 00:17:21,069 --> 00:17:22,766 [ARTURO GROANS] 433 00:17:22,810 --> 00:17:24,333 Wait. Did you hear that? 434 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:28,772 - What? - He's trying to say, "Ha-a-a-m." 435 00:17:28,816 --> 00:17:30,687 - I'm not sure. - Of course you're not sure. 436 00:17:30,731 --> 00:17:33,429 We don't know what we're doing. But they know. 437 00:17:33,473 --> 00:17:34,822 Their bodies want ham. 438 00:17:34,865 --> 00:17:36,476 We need to make a ham so good 439 00:17:36,519 --> 00:17:38,695 it'll restore their will to live. 440 00:17:38,739 --> 00:17:41,176 - A redemption ham. - Redemption ham. 441 00:17:41,219 --> 00:17:42,699 This ham's nice. 442 00:17:42,743 --> 00:17:44,614 Ooh, but this is also a nice ham. 443 00:17:44,658 --> 00:17:46,660 And get a load of this ham, Stan. 444 00:17:46,703 --> 00:17:48,052 That's the ham. 445 00:17:48,096 --> 00:17:49,489 Should we also get some pumpkin butter while we're here? 446 00:17:49,532 --> 00:17:51,142 I think we have enough on our... 447 00:17:51,186 --> 00:17:53,275 Stan, we need to focus. We have enough on our plate. 448 00:17:53,318 --> 00:17:54,624 Hands are full, Stan. 449 00:17:54,668 --> 00:17:56,278 Just buy the pumpkin butter. 450 00:17:56,321 --> 00:17:57,453 Two big ones. 451 00:18:00,630 --> 00:18:02,458 It seems you've rediscovered your passion 452 00:18:02,502 --> 00:18:05,418 for curing and aging hams. 453 00:18:05,461 --> 00:18:10,248 ♪♪ 454 00:18:10,292 --> 00:18:13,817 [MEN FARTING] 455 00:18:13,861 --> 00:18:15,558 It stinks in here, right? 456 00:18:15,602 --> 00:18:16,616 Should I crack a window? 457 00:18:16,659 --> 00:18:20,607 I'm worried about the ham. 458 00:18:20,650 --> 00:18:22,347 It's not enough. Cut it down, Stan. 459 00:18:22,391 --> 00:18:23,566 Run. Run from the farts. 460 00:18:23,610 --> 00:18:25,525 It'll get in the ham. 461 00:18:25,568 --> 00:18:27,918 For those of you who participated in the farting, 462 00:18:27,962 --> 00:18:30,617 I hope you had a good laugh, but I've got a joke for you. 463 00:18:30,660 --> 00:18:31,661 Knock knock. 464 00:18:31,705 --> 00:18:34,142 Who's there? Not a ham to look at. 465 00:18:34,185 --> 00:18:37,362 Oh, I don't hear any laughing now. 466 00:18:37,406 --> 00:18:38,625 Sinking in, huh? 467 00:18:38,668 --> 00:18:39,930 It's sinking in what happened. 468 00:18:39,974 --> 00:18:41,889 Good. I want it to. 469 00:18:41,932 --> 00:18:43,412 Think long and hard. 470 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,110 Me? I'll be downstairs with Stan, having fun, 471 00:18:46,154 --> 00:18:49,113 looking at the ham whenever I want. 472 00:18:49,157 --> 00:18:50,724 [MAN FARTS] 473 00:18:50,767 --> 00:18:52,856 Who did it? Who was it? I'll smell every ass in... 474 00:18:55,424 --> 00:18:57,426 It's time, Arturo. 475 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:58,819 No. 476 00:18:58,862 --> 00:19:01,517 Not for that, silly, for me and Stan's ham. 477 00:19:01,561 --> 00:19:02,997 It's gonna be nice. 478 00:19:03,824 --> 00:19:05,303 I hope this works. 479 00:19:05,347 --> 00:19:06,522 So, how do you want to serve it? 480 00:19:06,566 --> 00:19:07,654 Real thick-like? 481 00:19:07,697 --> 00:19:09,743 - Super thin. - Like prosciutto. 482 00:19:09,786 --> 00:19:11,788 American prosciutto. 483 00:19:11,832 --> 00:19:13,529 Again with the correcting. 484 00:19:13,573 --> 00:19:20,580 ♪♪ 485 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,671 I don't understand. 486 00:19:24,714 --> 00:19:26,760 I can see there's no tricking you, Stan, 487 00:19:26,803 --> 00:19:27,817 so I'll just come clean. 488 00:19:27,861 --> 00:19:30,198 I poisoned our redemption ham. 489 00:19:30,241 --> 00:19:31,329 Why, you ask? 490 00:19:31,373 --> 00:19:33,027 Because I was having so much fun with you, 491 00:19:33,070 --> 00:19:35,856 and I knew if the men got better, we'd leave. 492 00:19:35,899 --> 00:19:37,945 I think it was just always about that. 493 00:19:37,988 --> 00:19:41,731 Joining the club, I just wanted to spend time with you. 494 00:19:41,775 --> 00:19:42,776 I'm sorry. 495 00:19:42,819 --> 00:19:44,386 No, I'm sorry. 496 00:19:44,429 --> 00:19:45,605 I was a jerk. 497 00:19:45,648 --> 00:19:47,084 You said no one would like me. 498 00:19:47,128 --> 00:19:49,130 I know, and I was wrong. 499 00:19:49,173 --> 00:19:51,306 Plus, you taught me to take ham. 500 00:19:51,349 --> 00:19:53,743 Do you have any idea how big that is? 501 00:19:53,787 --> 00:19:56,180 Hug time? 502 00:19:56,224 --> 00:19:57,878 I also poisoned the first ham. 503 00:19:57,921 --> 00:19:59,575 - What? - The ham you poisoned? 504 00:19:59,619 --> 00:20:00,837 I also poisoned it. 505 00:20:00,881 --> 00:20:02,404 - Like, a lot. - Why'd you do that? 506 00:20:02,447 --> 00:20:03,623 To get you to Maine, man. 507 00:20:03,666 --> 00:20:04,841 How great is it here? 508 00:20:04,885 --> 00:20:05,886 Very great. 509 00:20:05,929 --> 00:20:07,540 You know what's not so very great? 510 00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:08,584 The men. 511 00:20:08,628 --> 00:20:11,152 Ah, yes, the sticky question of the men. 512 00:20:11,195 --> 00:20:12,632 I've been thinking on this, Stan, 513 00:20:12,675 --> 00:20:15,330 and when I put my mind to something, watch out, 514 00:20:15,373 --> 00:20:17,854 because great things can occur. 515 00:20:19,073 --> 00:20:20,335 Were you gonna say an idea? 516 00:20:20,378 --> 00:20:22,772 Oh, yeah. I'll stop feeding them poison hams. 517 00:20:22,816 --> 00:20:24,078 I'll also stop poisoning their water. 518 00:20:24,121 --> 00:20:25,862 I've been poisoning their water. 519 00:20:25,906 --> 00:20:27,647 Although, I will say, I think they like the poison water 520 00:20:27,690 --> 00:20:29,170 even though it's bad for them. 521 00:20:29,213 --> 00:20:31,346 People don't know what's good for them, Stan. 522 00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:33,547 _ 523 00:20:34,915 --> 00:20:38,005 - Let us out of here! - My family thinks I'm dead! 524 00:20:38,048 --> 00:20:39,528 There's gonna be hell to pay! 525 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,705 - The men seem to be thriving, Roger. - I'll say. 526 00:20:42,749 --> 00:20:45,708 You know, if we're gonna do that little detour to Lake Champlain, 527 00:20:45,752 --> 00:20:47,275 which I would really like to do, 528 00:20:47,318 --> 00:20:48,972 the men will have to be subdued. 529 00:20:49,016 --> 00:20:51,279 Oh, we're doing the trip. 530 00:20:51,322 --> 00:20:54,674 Alright, piggies, it's watering time. 531 00:20:54,717 --> 00:20:58,591 Oh, boy! Water! 532 00:20:58,634 --> 00:21:00,462 Bye-bye. See you soon. 533 00:21:01,962 --> 00:21:03,979 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 37878

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