All language subtitles for The Last Lovecraft. Relic of Cthulhu. Henry Saine.2009.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC

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Fucking did it.
We bought a boat.

Drink.

I dub thee, Bitch Slayer.

We're retired,
a little early retirement.

- Yeah, the company that went under.
- Whatever.

Look at that shit.

Look at that, man.

I'm out.

Hmm.

I got it.
I got it.

Okay. okay.

- Lighten this thing.
- Oh, okay.

That's your job, Sheldon.
You got it.

Come on, man,
you're the first mate.

Mate, first.

Okay, I got 'em.

Sheldon.

Wow, how did he get past me

Mother
He's not small.

So there's strong
scientific evidence

that octopi are smaer
than dolphins.

So why in the deepest
parts of the ocean

couldn't there be similar animals,

even a hundred times
more intelligent.

But how could anything
but microbes

survive in those
kind of conditions?

I assure you.

Things dwell at the bottom of the
sea that are far more sinister

than the human mind
would care to imagine.

I'm sorry, class.
Something has come up.

We will pick up
from there tomorrow.

What's this all about?

I don't know but it came
straight from the council.

The council hasn't been
in session for years.

Good, Lake, you're here.

I believe the sister relic
has been found.

The cult has been working
to secure the relic.

If they have succeeded
in finding the other half,

mankind could be in for short
and devastated war.

The relic must not be rejoined.

Our piece must be delivered to
a descendant of H.P. Lovecraft.

Lake, this task has been
appointed to you.

What?

But why?

I'm the least experienced
of the council.

I haven't had weapons
training in 15 years.

This is true but all of us are
well beyond our days of adventure.

Lake, for countless of ages, we
have fought to keep mankind safe

from the horrors hidden and waiting
in the dark places of the earth.

Your time has come.

But alone what
chance do I have?

Not much.

My money is on you being
brutality killed within two days.

But what choice do we have?

The relic must be delivered,

or all hope is lost.

So be it.

Who's next in the bloodline?

Sqrly Sqrl Gift Baskets,
this is Jeff.

May I take your order?

I... I'm so... I'm sorry, ma'am.

No, no, no.
I understand.

Yes.

Ok... okay.

Yeah.
All right.

Look into my eyes.

Ah-hum

Damn it, Charlie!

What the hell is this?

That's Mr. Sqrly Sqrl
with a chainsaw

buzzin' prices.

Not company protocol.

Okay.

And what did I say about
bringing those things into work.

That I should because they're
entertaining and awesome.

Don't be a smart ass, Charlie.

Oh, I think, sir,
I feel a moment here.

It's you and Skelly Man.

Your eyes, they're meeting.
It's meeting.

There's hatred but
Skelly Man says "I don't hate".

Why can't you just take care of your
shit like your co-worker, Jeff, over there.

Well, sir, that's because Jeffy-boy after
whittling away in this cubicle all day,

comes home and locks
himself in his room

where he starts to make a slow
kind of gentle love to himself.

It's like this moaning like,
like a... hmmm.

Do you knowwhat I mean?
Like, hmmm.

Mr. Russell, you're over sharing.

You're an asshole, Charlie.

Hostile, too.

Just get your work done,
gentleman,

and if I see one of those things
anywhere near your desk,

you're fired.

Hey, happy birthday, big guy.

Is this really my freaking life?

Hey, man, are you happy stuck
in this shitty cubicle all day?

God!

Stop talking!

Okay!

Stop it, you guys.
I'm working here.

This is a place of buis...

Nobody gives a shit
about your high score, Henry.

Ah-hum.

Mother fucker.

Hey, cheer up, man.

Think about that comic book
we're going to sell.

Dude, that's your
little dream, man.

I don't even like comic books.

And what... you started drawing
that thing like six months ago,

and you have like
two pages done.

Hey, those were sweet pages.

Take a look at those back...

Besides, there's a
bunch of shit we could do.

Who cares?

Yeah, like what?

I don't know like... like getting our
pee-pee sucked by that goddess.

Is she coming
over here right now?

Please, please, please,
just don't be an idiot this time.

Please, keep your fucking idiot..

- Put that stupid thing away.
- Shh. Shh.

Hi, boys.

Hey, Susie.

Um, hey, Jeff, I was wondering if
you want to come to my place

this weekend to help me
with all these paperwork.

- Ah... um... this weekend?
- Mm-hmm.

Actually, it's kind of weird,
me and Charlie were

working on this whole
comic book thing so

kind of booked up,

but maybe I can stop by your
cubicle on Monday

and we can go over all the
paperwork and everything.

Would that be all right?

Ah... okay.

Sure.
That's too bad.

See you guys later.

Okay.
Bye, Susie.

I think that went well.

I like her a lot.

I should kill you
with my stapler right now.

I'm going to put staple
in each of your eyes.

No, it's just, you know the whole
timing thing wasn't right, so.

Yeah 'cause I'm pretty sure Susie
wanted to move into pee-pee town

and you said no thanks.

No, it's because we have plans to
plan the whole comic book thing.

You know what, an hour ago
you didn't want to do the comic.

Whatever, man. I'm just saying you
better hope juicy little Susie is a necrophiliac

by the time you get around to it.

Fuck you, man.

When was the last time
you even got laid, anyway?

How about last weekend?

Bullshit. Who?

Nicki from accounting.

Oh my God, I'm so close...

I'm so close... don't stop
where you're taking me to!

Oh my God, I'm so close!
Don't... Don't...

Ow!

Hey, be careful.
That's a collectible.

What about my eye?

Ah... first edition.

Are you joking?

Why don't you go fuck
your stupid toy then, asshole?

God.

Let's just say she thought
I was quite the freak.

Great, bro.
That's just one more girl at work

that I'm not going to be
able to make eye contact with

because I know
I live with you, dude.

- You're kind of a pussy.
- I'm not a pussy.

Long have we awaited
your return.

Now that we have recovered
a portion of the relic,

it has allowed us to release you.

Who is your leader?

I am.

Who is your leader?

We only serve one master.

I have summoned the last
of the ancient Deep Ones.

They are still half a day's
journey from shore.

So until their arrival,
you will all... suffice.

Now bring me the relic.

Nice shirt.

This half signifies
the beginning of a newworld.

No man shall prevent the second
coming of the great Old Ones.

Once again,
our time is upon us.

Dude, what's this?

A comic book that I actually
bought foryour birthday

but you found it early.

Goblin Wizards number 63, dude?

- You're welcome.
- Thanks.

Happy birthday.

Look at them.
I'm so happy, man.

It reminds me of
how you used to be.

What is that supposed to mean?

You've never done the splits
in the air but

you know he's happy,

shooting a little mother
fucking magic into the world.

No, I just live in reality.

I mean, yeah, I may drive a fucking
car with a squirrel on the side of it,

but other than that, dude.

Yeah, no, I mean,
you're like the... you know

you're like that smiley, happy.

I don't fucking live in a little
dream land like you do,

so just take your comic book
and say thanks.

- Okay. Happy birthday.
- Dude, this is awesome.

- Thank you, bro.
- That's all I want to hear, bro.

- It's cool. Cool.
- All right. Cool, man. Thanks, dude.

- You like it?
- Yeah, I'm thrilled.

Hey, Jeff, there's some
old guy in our apartment.

Oh, yeah. How old?

I don't know.
Why don't you ask him?

What the hell.

How did you even
get in here, man?

Is one of you Jeff Phillips?

Thanks, bro.

Yeah, I'm Jeff.

Do I know you 'cause you
just broke into our house.

I don't have much time.

The Council of Cthulhu has sent me
to give you an ancient relic,

one you must risk your life
to protect.

Mm-hmm.
Well, here's athought.

Why don't you go back to your little cardboard
box or whatever you crawled out of

and then I won't have to
call the cops.

I wish it were that simple.

I know this will be hard
for you to believe.

Have you heard of
the author H.P. Lovecraft?

Ah... he's onlythe forefather
of modern horror, so yeah.

Why I'm I not surprised you
know what he's talking about.

Jeff, you're the end
of a great bloodline,

the last living relative
of Lovecraft himself.

Listen, okay.

Lovecraft wrote about this.

There are people who say they
have firsthand account of,

of these monsters that
the mere knowledge of

would drive a man insane.

Lovecraft disguised the truth
of these nightmares as fiction

and formed a secret society
to stand against them.

Okay. Well, while you guys are
doing little comic book party here,

I'm going to go dial 911.

I'm not talking...
Comic books, comic books.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

Here it is.

Tales of the Deep issue 171,

The Rise and fall of Cthulhu.

It's all in here, man.

Check it out.

Millions of years ago when
the earth was in its infancy,

Cthulhu and his minions
came from the stars

and built the great city of R'lyeh.

It was the time
of the dinosaurs.

Cthulhu was going to rule this world,

but the earth had already
been colonized by the Shoggoths

and their masters are race of
aliens known as the Elder Things.

Cthulhu was pissed.

A great war was fought
between the two alien races.

The Elder Things send in wave
after wave of their shoggoth hordes.

It was a long and bloody war

until a giant meteorite,
or whatever killed the dinosaurs

came hurdling towards the earth

sending Cthulhu back
to his tomb beneath the sea

and sent the Elder Things
fleeing into the last great utopia

among the Mountains of Madness.

The meteor crushed into the earth

causing the great ice age.

Cthulhu waited for the stars to align
as the earth gave way to civilization.

He sent forth his minions

led by his general Star-spawn

who influenced mankind
using telepathy.

And thus,
the cult of Cthulhu was born.

The cult spread
to all areas of the world,

China, Japan,

England, France,

parts of Kentucky,

a small piece of land in Ireland
known as Worchester.

They bayou.

And from the darkest corners of the
earth, cult worshipped their master,

waiting for the day
the stars would again align,

and they could release Cthulhu
from his tomb beneath the sea

to once again rule
in his dominion over man.

It's pretty much we're
talking about... Cthulhu.

In part, but it fails
to mention the relic,

an ancient key made into parts,
split and lost centuries ago.

If this relic comes together
when the great city of R'lyeh rises,

it forms the key to Cthulhu's tomb.

The stars are aligning.

The cult has found
the other piece.

Now you must keep this safe

until the city sinks beneath
the waves once more.

This was fashioned by
the Old Ones

using craft and skill
lost long ago.

It cannot be destroyed by
man or any known force.

Right.

Can I hold it?

- What'd I do?
- What the fuck was that?

That's it.
I'm calling the cops.

Come on.
You've got to be shittin' me.

We're sorry. Your call
cannot be completed as dialed.

Whoa!

If they found us,
the council is already dead.

Get behind me!

Run. Protect the relic,

the fate of the world
rest with you now.

So, you are the one?

I am.

I'll drive! I'll drive!

This is fucking crazy, man.

There's no such thing
as fish people, dude!

Ah!

- Start the car, okay!
- I don't have the keys!

You have the keys!

It's like a volcano with teeth!

- Get it off the window!
- I'm trying to.

It won't come off.

Get him off!
Get him off!

Ah!

Where the fuck is reverse
in this thing?

Into the front.

Got it!

You've got a lot of fight
in you, old man.

It's not too late to
serve your true god.

I know my path,

and it doesn't lead to
rotting at the bottom of the sea

with you and your masters.

I don't understand this
crazy comic book Cthulhu bullshit!

Okay. Look, man, when I was reading,
it was just a comic book.

There weren't monsters
hitting my window.

So what the fuck
are we going to do?

What the fuck
are we going to do?

I don't know.
I think he was pretty clear,

you're supposed to
save the world and shit.

Oh, really?

I look like a fucking hobbit
to you, bro?

- A fucking hobbit.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Let me think. Let me think.
Let me think, all right. Okay.

Oh, shit, man!
Paul Reemer, man!

That kid from high school.

You remember,
you broke both of his arms.

Yeah, so?

All right, right, well,
that kid ate Lovecraft, bro.

If we can find him,
he can probably help us.

- How the hell are we going to find him?
- I don't know.

A guy like that probably still lives
with his grandparents, right?

We're going to go. We're just
going to go find him somewhere.

Find Paul Reemer out of thin air.

Here we come, Paul.
Are you ready?

Here we come.

All right, knock.

You knock.

No, you're the one who
mentioned coming over here.

Just fucking knock on the door.

Hey, man, you're
the chosen one, okay.

I can only show you the door.
I can't open it...

I'm not the chosen one,
just knock on the fucking door.

Come on, man, just knock.

You are pathetic.

This isn't right.

Well, it's our only plan.

Did you see him?
Look what he's wearing!

A fucking fish head on his...

What do you want me
to do about it, man?

I don't dress the kid.

So what if he's still looks retarded...

Hey, Paul, I don't know if
you remember me, Charlie.

We had science class together.

This is Jeff. He used to punch you
in the back of the head.

Remember the...

Anyway, I just want to come by
and say I'm sorry about that, so...

Yeah.

Well, I appreciate that,
bone breaker.

So, what can I do
for you, Charlie?

Ah, yeah. We wanted you
to look at something

if we can just have a minute
of your time, that would be...

Let's see it.

If we can just come inside,
it's kind of important, so.

It has to do with Cthulhu, dude.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, entre vous.

Go on...

Pretty crazy running into
you, guys, like this.

I don't have to keep up with
the whole "alumni situation".

I don't know if you remember

back in high school,
I used to be a bit of a lone wolf.

It's just how I roll.

Oh, would you look at this?

Looks like there's no
peanut butter.

Boy, it'd sure be great
if I can make a sandwich.

My own grandmother wasn't
such a peanut butter whore!

I'm sorry, Nana.

Ah, I'll make one later.

Let's go to my room.

Fuck you.

Love you.

Bullshit.

We have the relic to prove it.

Oh, really?

Is it like mine?

Where the hell did you
get this thing from, man?

What, you think you're the only
one with the Mastercraft replica?

They make it from
H.P. Lovecraft drawings or something.

I don't know.

I have one of their light swords
around here somewhere.

These things that
tried to attack us.

They weren't after just
some kind of a toy, man.

Look, I don't like you guys'
tone of voice.

You're the two guys who came
to the master's house for help.

Right, right. What, the master
of your grandma's guest room?

Okay.
Let me see yours.

- Huh.
- What?

It's a fake.

It's a phony.
It's not like mine, though.

It's like bootleg.

It's not like yours
because it's real.

This is a boot-leg.

I'm so fucking sick of
thiswhole Cthulhu bullshit.

It's all fake, anyway.

Guys, I think something
is going on.

Do you have like an LED relic?

Because, this is doing
some weird stuff.

They found us in our apartment.

They're going to find us
here for sure.

Okay.
Tell me about the big guy again.

He was tall, reddish.

He had like this weird handle bar,
tentacle mustache thing.

He still looked like
a man, though.

Yeah.
That's the Star-spawn.

That's like one of Cthulhu's
main generals.

Okay.
You're going to help us.

- No.
- Yeah. You are, Paul.

Well, I'm not ready to roll the
nine-sided dice just yet

on this one, boys.

I think we need to find someone who's got
a little firsthand knowledge of the situation.

That's great.

So, what's you're saying is
you're a waste of our time?

No. What I'm saying is Captain Olaf.

It's sea captain.

Look, Captain Olaf had a run in
with the Deep One a few years ago,

and he survived.
That's like a big thing.

The Deep Ones are like
Star-spawn's soldiers.

Like... they're bad news, right.

If there's anybody
who can help us,

Olaf can, all right.

Look, look, here it is.

Here's a map to his place
I got a few years ago.

That's less than a
day's drive away.

It's like the best buck 25
I've ever spent.

That's great.

So, what your saying is
your plan which suck balls,

is to go off some
buck 25 souvenir map

and go find some sea captain
in the fucking desert?

Okay, it's settled then.
Give us the map.

No, no, no, no.

I've been waiting for a long time for
something like this to come around.

I'm in this to win this
as a team.

So, you're the master,
what do we do?

I am Cthulhu. Ah...

I come from space and beyond
down to the ocean depths.

Rarr... Ah...

Come on. We don't have time
for this shit, man.

It's called being prepared, Jeff.

What do you care?
You're the chosen one,

which is weird 'cause Lovecraft
didn't even have any heirs.

Oh, you guys
must have been secrets.

Oh, ow.

So why would he
give me this relic?

I mean, even if I am related to
this Lovecraft guy or whatever,

what can I possibly do?

Time out.

Okay.
I have a theory.

Look, Lovecraft went through all
these things with all these creatures,

stuff that would have driven
other men mad.

But he didn't go mad, right?

He must have some kind of
genetic predisposition

to not be affected,
an immunity.

And if he had that,
what's to say hypothetically

that can go down the bloodline
to someone like you, his heir.

Ow! Awesome.

Star-spawn, behind you!

Deep One in your butt!

Oh, so here's what I'm supposed to do.

"Defeat the Star-spawn and
send R'lyeh back to the abyss".

"Good luck, adventurers".

Hey, Paul.

Tell your ugly grandma
to stop calling people faggots

'cause that shit's not PC...
What the fuck is on your face?

Hey, Clarence.

Hey, you remember my best friends
from high school, right, Charlie and Jeff.

Either your grandma just slipped me acid in
the breast milk she's always offering people,

or you're wearing a
fucking Cthulhu mask.

The one you promised
not to open without me.

Yeah. It totally is. But hey,

It's cool, though, because
there is an emergency going on.

It's like a level one emergency.

Fucking bullshit, man.

Why don't I just take this 1985
blaster set that I just got on eBay

for us

and fucking play with myself.

I get it. You're mad
but shouldn't be, all right.

Just calm down.

It's like a fucking nerd black hole.

You want me to calm down.

Why don't you fucking calm down

after I fuck up
your little outfit, huh?

You wouldn't dare.

- Oh, wouldn't I dare?
- No.

Then why is my hand
moving slowly towards your face.

I don't know
but you're not daring.

You don't think
I have the balls to do this!

Not even one ball.

Raped your fucking mask.

Bitch.

- Ah...
- No, no, no, no!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I got six bucks on
laser beam boy.

I'll take it.

Ah! There it was.

Do you think
you should break it up?

Eh, I'm kind of enjoying it
to be honest with you.

Ah!

Break it up.

All right.

You guys can go to my basement

and then find
whateveryou need for the trip.

Ah, Nana,
I'm leaving now.

I'm going on an adventure
with my friends

and it's an adventure
full of glory and danger,

so I might not make it back.

Please don't say what you always
say when my friends come over

that I'm fat and retarded.

But that's how you look.

Come on!

I love you.

I'll never be your
dungeon master again.

What?
They're fish people.

I hate you.

All right.

Sorry.

I would have been a little bit
quicker if somebody wasn't so old!

Fuck you.

Hey, sweet mask.

Let's roll.

No!
Oh my god!

A praying mantis would
destroy a salamander.

No, no.

You sound like an idiot, Charlie.

Do you know how fast
a salamander is?

Hey, a salamander
has no defenses, man.

A praying mantis has
its little hook claws.

Somebody's never
been into a zoo.

Seriously, salamanders,

praying mantis,
what if dolphins were robots?

- What if dolphins were robots?
- Yeah.

They're not,
so shut the fuck up!

What do you want to do, man?

Do you want to go back and sit
and work in your cubicle all day?

The Jeff Phillips I know

the one who defended that
tree fort when we were kids?

Okay.
He'd do something about this.

He'd make a difference.

He's right, Jeff.

You shut your mouth,
you, little grandma's boy.

I'm sorry.
Are we still a team?

Yeah, man. Are we still
a team, Jeff Phillips?

If you say Jeff Phillips
one more time,

I'll fucking turn you
into bone dust.

Hey, this might be some
pretty bad timing,

but I just wanted to thank you
guys for bringing me along.

Shut up!

We're still a team, Charlie.

Really?
That's awesome, bro.

Gentle giant.

How charming. A half-breed.

These Deep Ones have travelled
so far, my children,

and it is they you shall be serving.

You'll see,
they are still so hungry.

All right.
You stay here with the relic.

I'm going to see if
they have a vending machine.

- Hey, can you see if they have cream cakes?
- Yeah.

Good evening.

It's a nice boar you got there.

Yeah.
I found it on the road.

You need a room?

No. I was wondering if you had
a vending machine around here.

Does this look like a
fucking Quick Mart to you?

No.
I was just asking...

I was just kidding.

You should've seen your face.

Hey, Charlie,
um... I was just thinking.

I made this bracelet
when I was in the third grade,

and I never gave it to anybody.

I didn't have anybody
to give it to.

I think I just held
onto it for good luck.

Yeah.

So, do you have a
vending machine at all?

There's a snack rack
right there in the corner.

Bend on over
and see what we got.

All right.

I was just thinking
if anything would happen

I want you to have it, please.

Hey, you know what, man,

I'm a little flattered
but I don't swing that way, so.

No, no, no.
This is a friendship bracelet.

- Whoa! Hey!
- Hey.

About what I said back there,

I didn't mean nothin' by it

so if you want to have
sex with me or whatever.

No, man.

I'm cool, bro.

- Well?
- Well, well what?

Do you need any magazines?

No.

You know, I don't really
want the chips anymore.

I'm just going to take off.

Excuse me there.

Hey, this is my sex face.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, whatever
you want to call it.

- It's what I'm calling it...
- Shh. Hey.

- It's for friendship.
- Hey, nobody is judging, okay.

It's... we're all good, bro.

Be careful out there.

There are some weird folk
out here in the desert.

I know.

Start the car.

Start the car.

It's already started, man.

There are some
weird people here.

Paul's gay.

Hey, Charlie, do you still make comic
books like you did back in high school?

Yeah, yeah, man.

Actually, I got a couple of pages
right now that are pretty sweet.

No way, really?
What are they about?

Well now, you see all these like Japanese
fish and ponds and stuff in malls,

Okay, right,
well they get fed up, right,

so they like reach back into their
heritage and they make all these

ancient, you know
weapons and armors.

So, I mean, they become

samurai fish.

Right, right.

And then they just... they come out and
they fucking just... they slaughter people.

- It's like revenge, you know.
- That is so good.

Yeah. Well, I mean,
you know it's kind of stalled.

The fish have fins so they can't
really do any proper blacksmithing.

I mean, it's a brilliant idea.

It's so good.

And who is to say that the
samurai fish can't come in to contact

with like a league of gorillas
with opposablethumbs

and they can make the armor
and the weapons?

It's not out of the realm
of realistic-ness.

I love that.

It's like a monkey-fish army.

You like it?

You can use it.

Guys, we're really are
meant for each, I think.

What's wrong with that, Jeff?

Did you watch this show when
you were a kid too, man?

Goblins in forest,
goblin magic!

- Yeah, I love that, man.
- I didn't watch it.

All right, home slices.

Lets get in the damn car
and get some sleep.

Hoo-rah?

Hey, Paul, can we use your
cellphone to set the alarm?

I left ours at home.

I don't have a cellphone.

Are you serious?

Who would I call?

Hey, all right,
don't even worry about it, okay.

I like a human alarm clock.

Sincewhen, dude?

I've got it covered.

All right, just...
Nighty-night.

Nighty-night, man.

Ah!

Good morning!

What the hell are you doing,
you freak?

Did you reallythink
we wouldn't find you?

- We're everywhere.
- What? Big, greasy rhinos.

He's one of the cult of Cthulhu.

Step out of the car
and hand over the relic.

- Start the car, man.
- The big boss is on his way,

and I'm the one
giving him the relic.

It won't start, dude.

Step out of the car and I won't
have to kill you right away.

What are you talking about, bitch?
There's like three of us.

- We'll take you out.
- Please, Paul.

It doesn't work for you.

Hey, what's he doing?

I'm pretty sure the relic is
fire proof, you little pop tarts.

Well, I guess, we'll find out.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

You win. You win.
We're coming out.

That's what I'm talking about,
ass-kicking time, right guys?

Shut the fuck up, Paul.

Just listen.

When we get out of the car,
you wait for my signal and we run.

Run?

Where to? We're in the
middle of a fucking desert.

We don't have choice,
dowe, dude?

Now bring that bag.

We're getting out.

Just calm down.

It's all good.

That's it, boys,

and keep playing ball and maybe
I won't have to play with yours.

Wait, what?
Our balls?

You got balls, don't you?

Yeah. I guess,
I just don't get the reference.

You were in there, dude.
He'll fuck with your balls, bro.

Trust me.

Is that why you were
running to the car, man?

Did you got your balls
fucked with?

Just get ready to run.

I wouldn't run
if I was you,

seeing as we have you surrounded.

All right, look. Easy, easy.

What are we going to do?

All right.

There's that bag from Paul's house,

when I start to approach him,
you throw me a weapon, all right.

No, no, no.

That's like the worst plan
I've ever heard.

We don't have any
other choice, all right.

Now, let's just do it.

All right.

I got the relic, I'm going to
bring it overto you, all right.

I got it right here.

Now!

Why?

I was on top.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey look, everybody.

I got the relic.

Paul, what the fuck
are you doing?

I'm saving you!

Go.

Oh, god.

Do you guys exercise
or something?

Like... doyou do cardio?

Hand over the relic.

Here, geez.

Wait, hold on...

Man.

If that map is right, this place
should be around here somewhere.

Hey, man.
Do you think Paul is okay?

Oh, who knows, man?
It's your fault anyway.

A fucking snorkel mask!

Hey, you know I'm not good
under pressure, all right.

A fucking snorkel mask, bro!

Hey,

that's an RV, right.

This place is a rat hole, man.

All right, knock.

You knock.

No, man. I did all knocking
at Paul's house.

Hey, we already established this,
okay, you're the chosen one.

- I show you the door.
- You're such a pussy, man.

Ain't nothing to see here, boys.

Just move along now.

Oh, we are looking for a man
that might live around here.

Like I said, ain't nothing here.

No Captain Olaf for you.

Uh...

We never said anything
about a Captain Olaf.

Would you be Captain Olaf?

Cripes, I keep doing that.

I'm Captain Olaf,
'tis true.

You got me there, but

I cannot help you fight the monsters.
You seek to slay.

I don't know nothing about
fighting no sea monsters.

Okay, bro.

We could go right back
into the desert.

No, no.
Look, we came this far.

We can do this.

Captain Olaf, open up.
We need your help.

We have the relic, the one
that opens Cthulhu's tomb.

You shouldn't speak so lightly of
things you know nothing about.

Real or not,

that's not something you want
to just be flashing about

like the ass end of a sea donkey.

Sea donkey?

Stop your yammerin'.

Get your asses in here before you
bring down the minions of hell.

- All right, all right. We apolo...
- I shouldn't have...

Okay, okay, we're coming in.

All right, hold it.

Let me tidy up.

Go ahead.
Have a seat.

That's a nice crab.

Sure, until you
find it in your pants.

Yeah.

Now, let's hear your fish story.

Oh, come on.

Ew.

What is this?

I'm like a ninja eagle.

Ah!

Fools.

And that's why we're here.

We're hoping you can help us.

You boys have ever been
fish-raped?

It's something you're
not likely to forget.

We were out night fishing.

It was one of them
real cold nights,

kind of cold that makes a man's
balls want to hibernating

like a pair of weasels
up inside his chest.

A creepin' fog coming out of space,

slipping over the deep water.

We never even heard
those things come aboard.

It killed my crew
within minutes.

The sound of their screams
still haunt my waking hours.

I close my eyes,

I see the horror of a thousand
deaths play across the blackness.

Those teeth,

those cold insidious eyes

that hell sent to
drive a man to madness,

Deep Ones, as legend calls them

have hankerin' to
mate with us, normal folk,

for those scaled, webbed
hands might tickle a bit.

I dare to even call them soothing.

Then bang!
You're an anchovy popsicle.

If you catch my meaning.

Now, you boys start down this road,

that's all that's waiting for you,

awhole heapin' of fish-rapin'.

So why don't you do what I did.

Move as far away
from the water as you can

and never look back.

Don't worry.
That's just Gary.

Is somebody back there?

Come on back.
I'll introduce you.

What the hell is that thing?

Do you remember how I told you how
Deep Ones like to mate with normal folks?

Well, Gary here is the unfortunate
offspring of one such encounter.

You see, being that one of his
parents is a Deep One,

he started changing as
the ocean called him back.

His human side
just keeps fighting to hang on.

I've been takin' care of him
about six months now.

Good kid.

Here you go.

First, I thought I might be able to
make a little money of the fellow.

You know maybe start a little
freak show or whatever.

Yeah, right, a freak show.
That makes sense.

Well, that didn't quite pan out.

It seems you need a license
for him... or it... or something.

I was just going to
bury him out in the desert.

But then I realized
I've grown fond of the little fellow.

Isn't that right, Gary.

You know, now that I think about
it and you've seen him up close,

you probably owe me
a couple of bucks.

You boys, expecting someone?

No.

There's something out there,

and he's got a wild eye
the size of a sperm whale.

God, it's Paul.

- Wait!
- Paul.

Paul.

Damn you,
you fish worshipping freaks!

Damn you all!

Charlie.

Paul, buddy.

Hi.

You're alive.

Yeah.
They just broke my arms.

Does it hurt?

They broke both my arms.

Jeff, man, he's alive.

Come on.
They just broke his arms.

All right.
Come on. Get him back.

Ah!

- Ow my arms!
- Take it easy, take it easy.

Easy, guys.

Oh, man, what happened to him?

Set your bones down here
and rest, what's left of them.

Try something of the
captain's special tonic.

Good for what ails ya.

Is that Captain Olaf?

Is he cool?

Yeah, man.
Hey, what happened?

Oh, while I was running away
from the cult members,

saving you, remember?

Yeah, and I said I'm going to
stop and fight and so I did,

and I started taking them down.

And then Star-spawn came,
and he's like, "Ah, I'm red. Ah"

So, I started kicking him and then he
turned into a giant octopus and stuff.

And so basically,
I was the hero.

Star-spawn, huh?

Out here in the desert,
they can be hurt.

They can't be out
of the ocean indefinitely

without getting back
to some sort of water.

Isn't that right, Gary?

What... Who's Gary?

Forget it.

Look, I say we make stand.

- What?
- Yeah, what?

If that relic is reassembled,
all hell is going to break loose,

and then what?

Are we just going
to run forever?

Look.

They already killed
the professor.

They broke both Paul's arms,
they violated the captain.

So, how long are we going to end up
running until we stand up and fight?

Look, man, I'm sorry,
but I say we keep running, okay.

What chance do we have
against those things, Jeff?

Come on, Charlie.

What about all the stuff you said
about saving the world?

What do you say, Cap?

Are you gonna help us?

I'm sorry, boys.

I've been living out here this long,
and now this is where I'll die.

My love for life ended when
they took the ocean from me.

My will to fight is long gone.

Hey, I don't want to interrupt
but just FYI,

I'm pretty sure those guys saw
the map that leads to here

so whatever we're going to decide
we should decide it.

I do have a weapon stash
not far from here.

We can give them a real fight.

Okay, okay, okay, look. Okay.

I'm going to stay here with Paul.

You get the stash
and you get back.

Jeff and I will be back faster than
whale shit through an ice flow.

Hey, be careful.
You get back here, okay.

You know I will, man.

You guys got like a
hidden handshake or something...

Ow, ow, ow.

Oh, that's spicy.

Are you hungry too, Gary?

Looks like peanut action, huh.

All right.

Here you go, little buddy.

Sour cream and onion.

Bingo.

Lets see here.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Oh, shit.

Water, water.
We've got to get you to water.

God.

Okay, hang in there.

Okay, hang on, that's my back.

Just breath.

Ah!

Oh, god, Gary.

Oh... Oh, god.

What are we looking for?

We're looking for an old sea chest
I left in this branch of the cave.

Ah, hold on, Gary.

I'll get you to the water.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, now.

Okay.

Okay, Oh, all right.

Let's get you in there.

Okay. All right.

There you go, huh.

Got your little tub, huh.

There we go.
There, there we go.

He's breathin' now buddy.
Look at that.

Oh, the sour cream
and onion back there.

There she be.

Let's bring the dynamite too.

I like the cut of your jib.

Oh, god.

Gary!

He's dead.

What the hell did you do?

Hey, man, I couldn't even take care of
my goldfish when I was a kid,

and you leave me with this.

That is not a goldfish.

You just killed Gary, man.

I tried to save Gary
that's why he's in the sink.

He did try, kind of.

Did you put salt in the water?

Unbelievable.

I'm really sorry, Jeff.
I've never babysat a mer-guy before.

It's common sense, Charlie.

Okay, Jeff, there's nothing common sense
about a mer-guy named Gary living in an RV.

You did something
I could never do,

kill an innocent sea creature.

Fine.

I suppose you put him out of his
misery in some perverse way.

Right, huh, you see that, Jeff.

Looks like Gary had a guardian
angel and his name is Charlie.

Right.

Everytime a fog horn blows another
twisted mer-being gets his fins.

Exactly.

A moment of silence
for our fallen comrade.

Bow your head.

I once had a fish
pee on me for hours.

I loved it.

Well, all right then.

We got company.

Olaf, can you start the RV?

Do you happen to have
an engine on you?

Oh, we're going to die.
Aren't we?

Ah... bullets?

I keep them just outside...
near the trash heap.

Why would you keep your
bullets in the trash heap?

It's a safety issue.

For awhile when
Gary was changing,

I wanted to shoot myself.

Figured it was better not to have
them lying around inside the RV.

We're setting ducks
out there, man.

They'll tear us apart even
before we got to that trash heap.

Oh, right. That somebody decided
to keep their bullets in.

Oh, we need some kind of a bait,

something to keep their
attention to this side of the RV

while we go for the ammo.

That's great, Jeff.

Okay, but there's no
bait shop around, okay.

Where are we going to get bait?

You heartless bastards.

No, no, no, wait.

Why do we both have to go again?

Because, I'd rather have two
armed people out there than one.

- Now let's go.
- Wait... look I...

Look, I could cover you.
I'll be like 'You could do it, Jeff. '

Yeah, yeah, really,
with one bullet, dude.

Gary ain't getting any fresher.

All right.
Here's what we're going to do.

We're going out there and we're
going to get those bullets, all right.

Which had better be there.

I'm going to open it up with that key,

and you're going to be my look out.

- Do you understand me?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Do you understand?
- Yeah!

I got nothing.

Oh, that's better.

Yeah, choke on him you bastard.

Well, what are you waiting for?

- Come on!
- All right.

Go, go.

Gary! Oh, Gary...

- Hurry up.
- I'm trying, man.

Man, I'm serious!
They're almost out of Gary.

I know! It's locked, dude. Shit!

We're going to have to
run this thing back.

Okay? Grab it.

Ready. Go.

Olaf!

Who's fish-rapin' now?

If you boys are done lookin'...

I thought you lost
your love for life.

Yeah, well,
I couldn't have lived with guilt.

For what, not helping us?

'Cause I gave you the wrong key.

Holy shit!

The key! Get the key!

Olaf, the key.

Oh my god.

Run!

You got him, man.

Now get the ammo.
Come on, lets run.

Hey, what's in the other box?

Dynamite.

Will it work?

Maybe, maybe not.

Okay.

- Oh, guys, do you think I can get some...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry,

- There you go. Okay.
- I don't know if this is...

Guard the RV.

Okay, let's go.

Well done.

You've managed
to destroy my pets.

Now bring me the relic.

- You can talk.
- Talk?

We helped create your language.

- Dude.
- Silence!

Bring me the relic or your death
will be the length of most lifetimes!

So, the bloodline of
Lovecraft lives.

I guess so.

Then I suppose you will be
able to watch your friends die.

I'm sorry, Charlie!
I didn't mean to do that.

Do over! Do over!

No!

I can smell the ocean again

and seagulls.

I can hear the seagulls.

I freakin' hate seagulls,

but I feel the mist of the ocean.

It's okay.

It's okay now

and we can sail, going home.

It's so beautiful.

Hey, he's gone.
You've got to let him go.

Wait.

Wait.
What happened to the captain?

He's gone.

He's gone?

Oh, shit.

Oh, I think I just peed myself.

Reload, reload.

That's all my ammunition. You?

- That's the last one.
- Oh, shit.

- Look, I say we make a run for it.
- Okay.

At the count of three.

One, two, three.

Something is blocking it, man.

Hey!
There's a thing out there!

Oh, shit.

Ah!

What the fuck!

Fuck! Shoot it!

I can't get a clear shot, man.

Shoot it!

I trust you!
Fucking shoot it!

Oh, fuck! Fuck!

- Jeff!
- Charlie!

- Jeff!
- Charlie!

Mother fucker!

What the fuck are we
going to do now?

We're just got to get
to the roof.

How?

I've got a plan.

Go!

- Oh, shit!
- Go, go.

Fuck!

Oh, fuck!

We made it up.
Now what?

That was the plan,
to get to the roof.

We could have jumped out
the window and then run for it.

We don't know how fast
those fucking things are, man.

Okay, okay, so now what?

I got dynamite, bro.

Okay, okay, okay, so...

All right, I'm going to light this.

I'm going to throw it at that window

and I'm going to blow
that mother fucker up.

How long are you
going to make the fuse?

That long.

Okay, how about like that?

Sounds good.

Here, light that shit.

- Okay.
- Here we go.

Okay, okay, okay.

- Okay, throw it out. Throw it out.
- Ready?

Hey, guys.

Paul, what the fuck
are you doing in there?

My arms don't work and there's
tentacle things swinging around me

and dynamite next to my penis.

I don't like it, I don't like it!

I don't like it!

Okay, throw it now! Go!

Go!

Duck down, it's gonna blow!

Where's the relic?

Son of a bitch.

God, I suck at saving the world.

Well, this suck balls.

I'm glad your little plan
didn't work.

Perhaps I will allow you
to be slaves after all.

How much ammunition we got left?

I got nothing.

I got one left here.

Behold.

It's gonna' be all right.

This one's foryou, Olaf.

We did it, man.

We saved the world.

Yeah... we did.

There you go.

Cool, man.

Thank you, man.
Take care.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

What's going on?
You like the relic of Cthulhu, huh.

It's okay.

Hey, come here.

I don't tell this to most people,
but this story,

it really happened.

No, it didn't.

No, I mean, I mean, to me and
my friend, it really happened.

Can you just sign my comic?

I'm trying at the moment.

- I'm just trying to share with you tha...
- Just hand my comic, dude.

I got the map.

The council thinks there are maybe
more important relics there.

Paul is waiting with the plane.

Let's go.

The fate of the world
rests with you now kid.

Good luck.

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