All language subtitles for Parks.and.Recreation.S02E19.HDTV.LOL.en

Okay, everybody,
time for the hummingbird lottery.

[all groaning] yay, okay.

You know how it works.

Write your name down
on a piece of paper.

No, they don't win a hummingbird.

I installed hummingbird feeders

In all of the parks.

So the winner gets to
refill those feeders.

Scientifically, hummingbirds
are the world's cutest animals.

I mean, they're so small,
and they have tiny beaks.

Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers?

Yeah. They do.

Baby monkeys in diapers
are the cutest.

Okay, who's it gonna be?

All: Not me. Not me. Not me.

- Jerry.
- Yeah!

You can stop by tomorrow
morning before work.

This is my third time in a row.

It's just a bad
luck streak, buddy.

Next time, I'm sure it'll
definitely be one of us.

But it won't be me
because I always write...

[laughs] yeah.

Yup.

No. I always write my own name.

But just to be safe,
I do add 20 extra jerrys.

[triumphant music]

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

And finally we are going

To kick off the
children's concert series

This weekend with a performance
by freddy spaghetti.

I thought freddy
spaghetti o.D.'d.

No. That's mr. Funny noodle.

And he didn't o.D.
His drummer shot him.

- Oh.
- Where's jerry, by the way?

Why isn't he back?
How long does it take

To fill bird feeders?

Maybe he fell into the toilet.

Remember when he
fell into the toilet?

[laughter]

"oh, sorry, guys. Sorry I'm late.

"I got confused and took a shower

After I got dressed
'cause I'm jerry."

[laughter]

David meyers,
the jewish guy who works

At city hall,
once told me something.

A schlemiel is the
guy who spills soup

At a fancy party.

A schlimazel is the
guy he spills it on.

Jerry is both the schlemiel and
the schlimazel of our office.

"and then I put my
underwear on my head

Instead of my butt."

[laughter]

Okay, okay, guys, that's enough.

Unless somebody has
another good one.

[cell phone rings]

Oh. [clears throat]

Hey, ann.

Oh, no.

Jerry, jerry, are you okay?

Ann, is jerry okay?
What's wrong with your arm?

Ann, tell me what's
wrong with jerry's arm.

Jerry, talk to me.
Ann, get jerry to talk to me.

Okay. He's okay.

He's got a couple of scrapes
and a dislocated shoulder.

- What happened?
- You guys are just gonna laugh.

Why? Did you throw
out your shoulder

Trying to swing a honey
pot off your hand?

I was mugged.

- Oh.
- Oh, my god.

Oh, I'm so sorry, jerry.

I was on my way to the
hummingbird feeders,

And I was walking
lord sheldon. - Ew.

Is that code for some
kind of weird sex act?

Lord sheldon is my dog.

My wife named him.

Ew.

These kids,
they came out of nowhere.

They pinned my arm back,
they grabbed my wallet,

And they knocked me to the ground.

How did you counterattack?

Fist to the throat?

Did you hit 'em in the beanbag?

There's no shame in attacking
a criminal's beanbag.

No, I just curled up and
laid still till they left.

Well, that's another
way to play it.

Did any of them
have weird tattoos

Or scars or anything?

If even one of them
had a unique scar,

We got 'em.

I didn't get a good look.

Damn it, jerry.

Sorry. You're the victim.

Sorry. Sorry. [sighs]

I feel like we're
responsible for this.

Why? We didn't mug jerry.

Well, why was he in the
park in the first place?

'cause we tricked
him into going there.

I don't see the connection.

Oh, no, no. This is on us.

It's karma. - Wouldn't it be karma

If we were the ones
that got mugged?

Yeah, that's how
pathetic jerry is.

He can't even get karma right.

[laughter]

No, that's not funny.

Our friend got mugged this morning.

And we will not let
that happen in vain.

He doesn't have a black eye.

Well, frankly, the whole
department has a black eye.

This is our wakeup call, guys.

Jerry's face is the
symbol of failure.

[snickers]

Our failure.
To keep the parks safe.

I have some folders.

Inside are some assignments.

And some homemade taffy.

All: Mm.

April, I want you to check
in with our police liaison.

Donna, I need you to
go to ramsett park.

Tom, you're with me.

So when you say you
want me to check in

With the police liaison,
you mean hook up with him, right?

No. Just check in with him.

Everybody dismissed.
Wait. I want to help.

- What?
- I'm gonna teach everybody

Self-defense, so you
can defend yourselves.

We need it 'cause we certainly
are a bunch of weaklings.

Especially tom.

I am not a weakling.

- Arm-wrestle me right now.
- Okay.

I think I'm more than
holding my own here.

- Three, four, five...
- Hey.

Six.

Hey. How you doing? - Not too bad.

I was just dropping off
jerry from the hospital.

He was mugged in the park.

No. Jerry?

Uh, the black guy with the
looney tunes ties?

I love him.

No, jerry who works with leslie.

[laughs] that jerry?

- Yeah.
- He got mugged?

[laughs] oh, oh, wow.

I mean, that's kind
of a bummer too.

Hey, while I have you here,
what do you think of this?

- Uh...
- Scrotation marks.

I don't know what
you're talking about,

But my gut says no.

New band name.

'cause, mouse rat,
it's a great name,

But, at the same time, it sucks.

So I think we have to change
it just one more time.

Dude, you've got
to stop doing that.

How are people gonna become fans

If they literally don't
know the name of the band

They're listening to?

That is a really good point.

I always had fun with andy.

The problem is,
when you're his girlfriend,

You're also his mother and his maid

And his nurse.

He's completely helpless.

He's like a baby in
a straightjacket.

Ooh, baby in a straightjacket.
That's a good band name.

I should tell him that.

Ha ha, guys, really funny.

Where's the real banner?

We only had an hour.

So did I.

Look what I did.

- Hey, guys.
- Jerry!

Welcome back. All: Hi.

Wow. Really. My gosh.

You should not have gone
to all this trouble.

Oh, it's no trouble
for our buddy.

Here you go. - Oh. Thank you.

Listen. Today is jerry day.

We'll do whatever you want to do.

Anything at all.

Honestly, what I would like to do

Is just have everything
go back to normal.

- That sounds good to me.
- Okay?

I believe you were going
to do a presentation?

Yes, sir, I was.
I will go set up.

Okay.

Remember, you guys,

No jokes, no comments,

Nothing but support.

- He needs a lot of support.
- Tom.

I'm talking about
a bra for a man.

[laughter]

Okay, seriously,
that was the last one.

So as we know,
spring hunting season is upon us.

Uh, anyway, here's the info
about the new licensing system.

Uh... - Jerry, I don't think

Your computer's plugged in.

I'm sorry, guys.
Just gotta power up.

First thing we should
have is my graph

About the season. What?

Wait a minute. No.

That is not the graph.

That is a picture from
my vacation in muncie.

You went on a vacation,

And you chose muncie, indiana?

Yeah. My wife and
I have a timeshare.

- In muncie?
- Tom.

Muncie is a lovely city.

Anyway, hunting and fishing
season is winding down.

Okay, and we all know that it is
already closed season on twout.

So now-- I said twout

Instead of trout.

It happens to everyone.

My marbles are
full of mouth today.

You know what,
has anybody seen my glasses?

I don't even think I can...

[flatulence]

It says here 1:00 meeting.

Who are we meeting with?
Don't worry about it.

Oh, no, please no.

Tom, it's important to
meet with the park rangers.

They are the first line of defense.

- [sighs]
- [loud voice] leslie knope!

- Hey, carl.
- What's up, pencil pushers?

Haverford. Good to see you, man.

[laughs]

Is it hot in here? I feel hot.

Are you guys hot?
How you guys doing? I'm good.

You guys got any snacks?

Carl is the head of
all outdoor security.

Why was he transferred from
his indoor desk job, you ask.

Listen. - It's so sweet.

Hey, leslie, have you seen avatar?

I never saw avatar.

I wanted to read the book first,

But then I realized there's no
book version of avatar.

What'd you guys do for st.
Patty's day?

I was wearing this t-shirt that said,
"kiss me. I'm irish."

But no one would kiss me.

So you're too important for me

Until one of your
own gets attacked.

I just feel like
there's more we can do

To keep the parks safe.

Oh, you think you
know how to do my job?

Well, you might not be so confident

Once you've walked a
mile in my size sevens.

Kind of small feet.

Actually, seven is
the worldwide average.

- Boom!
- Hup!

Welcome to the emergency
self-defense class.

I'll be showing you how
to escape from a variety

Of situations

While inflicting maximum damage

On your attackers.

Ron, do you think that
maybe I should put mark

In a headlock?

That way I can show everyone
how to escape a pervert.

In the scenario
you just laid out,

You're the pervert.

You understand that, right?

- [scoffs] you wish.
- Enough.

I'm gonna start off simple

And demonstrate how to extract
oneself from a wrist grab.

Andy, ann, step up here.

I watch a lot of lifetime movies.

There was this one,
how far is too far enough:

The teri palliber lonergan story.

This woman had agoraphobia,

And her therapist was
obsessed with her.

And he hid in her house,
and then he attacked her

And tried to eat her toes.

Also, her daughter was
having sex way too young.

So yeah, free self-defense
class, I'm there.

- And just twist your weight.
- [yells]

Oh. - Very good.

Very good. Well done.

Oh, what's up now, mugger?

Ann, that was awesome.
That was really good.

I don't know, leslie.

I'd rather be back at the office.

I know this is
painful for you, jerry,

But you have to be strong.

You guys ready?

Oh, boy, yeah. Okay, we're ready.

I'm gonna show you guys

All the problems we've been facing.

I'm gonna show you we've
been doing everything we can.

I'm looking forward to
working together, carl.

And after that, I'm gonna
show you this log I found.

It's got, like, 50 worms on it.

I call it worm log.

Yeah, I've always been a
bit of an outdoorsman.

Uh, when I was a kid,
my parents used to make me hang out

In the backyard a lot
and just run around

Till I got tired.

But if there's any criminals
out there watching,

I never get tired.

And ladies too.

This thing is a mess.

We used to have
three carts actually.

The first one got pushed
into the creek by some kids.

The second one raccoons got onto.

There was urine everywhere.

And the third one
was recently stolen.

What's this one?

This is the second one.
The raccoon piss one.

All right, so we're
gonna just head out.

[screeching]

Oh, no.

You know what, I think
we got too much weight.

Oh. That's tom probably.

Are you serious?

Tom, can you get off please?

Just run alongside the cart, okay?

Okay, here we go.

Whoa.

So let me tell you a
little bit about the park.

Up here on the left

Is one of our most
beautiful grass fields.

Uh, it's primarily grass.

All right, I'm gonna
make a hard left here.

Stick with us, tom.

Okay. Lesson learned.

[applause] thank you.

Next, andy. Impressive.

I'm going to engage
andy in an attack hold,

And he's gonna try and break free.

Cool.

Now I don't want to hurt you, ron.

Don't worry about that.
Just try to escape my attack.

Now when I get out,
am I allowed to counterstrike?

Sure. When you get out,

You may counterattack.

But just promise
me you'll be ready

Because, I mean,
I don't want to destroy you.

Okay.

I see where we're going with this.

Now when your arms are
pinned to your sides,

Use your legs to break free

Instead of your neck,
which is what andy's trying to do.

Okay, hold on. [shouts]

Let him go.

Andy.

- Oh, god.
- Oops.

Any of this looking familiar?

Yeah, it happened
right over there.

Oh, yeah, I'm not surprised.

Take a look at this path.

With budget cuts, we can't
afford a single safety light.

There's been ten assaults
already this year.

Wow. Really? Can't you
station a park ranger

Out here? - We have.

[shouting] who do you
think they're assaulting?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell.

One way or another,

I'm gonna get money so
you can protect jerry

And all the other helpless,
pathetic people in this town.

[breathing heavily]

You guys got to slow down.

Can I just take a
rest for a minute?

No, tom. Sorry. No can do.

Sun's going down.
It's real dangerous out here.

Let's roll, carl.
Okay, going fast.

[grumbles]

Okay, what day is it today?

I don't know.

Okay, but to be fair,
you never know.

That's kind of true.

I'm super bad at days.

But honestly I'm fine.

Sorry I squeezed your
lights out there, son.

No worries. Will you show me
how to do that move, though?

Sure. I can teach you right now.

No, no, no.

Andy, you should really
just take it easy, I think.

Do you want some more water
or maybe some pancakes?

No, no, no. I'm fine.

Thank you though.

What's the first
move in any fight?

Punch to the balls.

We've all heard the old saying,

"parks are supposed to be fun,"

But sometimes muggers
have their own ideas.

Leslie knope is with us again

From the parks department. Leslie.

Tell us your story.

This is my coworker
jerry gergich,

Diabetic, sloppily out of shape,

Friend.

He was mugged this
morning in ramsett park.

Who's next? Your frumpy uncle?

Your simple neighbor?

Your unpopular coworker?

Head of security carl
lorthner is doing his best

To keep the parks safe,
but he's failing.

So what is the
solution to fix this?

To make it right and not bad?

We need money from city hall,

And it's not coming through.

And, pawnee, I am sorry to say this

But your government is failing you.

Up next, ten objects you
didn't know you can eat.

What possessed you to do that?

I'm sorry, paul,

But one of my guys got
mugged in the park.

I don't care how upset you are,

You do not badmouth your
own government on tv.

I'm sure you'll be happy to know

Your little stunt worked.

The mayor's going to divert $2,500

To the parks for security upgrades.

There's going to be an
announcement tomorrow

At 10:00 in the press room,
so make sure

You bring the doofus
that got his ass kicked.

I don't know who
you're referring to.

We treat everyone with
respect around here.

[softly] okay.

[clears throat] good morning.

As many of you know,

There was an incident involving
a government employee

In ramsett park.

Jerry, are you nervous?

Just talk about how
hard it was for you.

Speak from the heart.
You'll be fine.

Leslie, I wasn't mugged.

-...Safety of our citizens.

That's why we're here today,
to give pawnee...

Jerry, why don't
you step on up here?

No, no, I will get up here.

I'm gonna speak for jerry.

He can't talk right now because
he has hysterical muteness.

From trauma. - Correct.

Jerry.

What about this? Is this fake?

Huh? Is this fake? - This is real.

I really dislocated my shoulder.

Were you even in
the park yesterday?

Look, I was on my way
to feed the hummingbirds,

And I stopped for a
breakfast burrito.

- The farting.
- Yeah.

And, lord sheldon,
he lunged at a bird,

I dropped the burrito,
and it lands on a log in the creek.

So I go to reach for it,
I lose my balance,

And I fall on my
shoulder really weird.

Well, why didn't you just
tell everybody the truth?

Are you kidding me?

Imagine what tom would have said.

[as tom] damn, jerry,
you jumped in a creek for a burrito?

What would you do
for a klondike bar?

Kill your wife?

Block the opponent's punch
and counterpunch to the jaw.

Whooh. Shoeshine?

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Ann perkins in the shoe shouse.

[laughs]

I wanted to check in.

I brought some stuff
from the hospital--

Water, compress, aspirin,
some lollipops.

I know you love those.

You know, hey, thank you,

But I'm really-- I'm feeling great.

I took a couple of aspirin

And slept right through the night

And-- hold on a second.

Uh, ludgate! What the hell?

I got you one of
those veggie muffins

That you're always eating. - Score.

Yeah. Tastes like a rug.

Shut up.

[protests indistinctly] anyhow.

Good, well, I'm glad
you're feeling better.

I am. Thank you for that.

That's so cool.

Since when did he
start doing stuff

For other people?

Now I actually am worried that
something happened to his brain.

People change, I guess.

Wouldn't you rather the money
go to keeping the parks safe?

Yes, but now we have the
money under false pretences.

I actually think that you have
a bigger problem than the money.

What?

There is someone in your
department who is willing to lie

About being mugged because
he's afraid of his coworkers.

[cell phone rings]

Knope. Yup.

No!

Carl, what are you doing here?

Oh, leslie.

Well, since you decided
to drag my name

Through the mud on tv,
I figured why not return the favor?

Carl, could you
quietly quiet down

For a second and please tell
me what's going on quietly?

Okay? In a quiet voice.

[loud as usual] a
citizen handed in

A very interesting
home video that I think

The people of pawnee will
find very interesting.

Take a peek at this.

[flatulence]

Keep your eyes on the creek.

There he is.

Oh, this is my favorite part.

Not willing to share with a dog.

So it would appear
that park security

Was not to blame after all.

Okay, look, I have a
proposition for you.

Fine. I'll have sex with
you in exchange for the tape.

That's not what I'm saying! Okay?

Just listen to what I have to say.

The ramsett park
mugging story continues

With a shiny new twist.

Ranger carl lorthner is here today.

Now I understand that
you have a bombshell

To drop that you are
just sitting on.

Yes, that's correct.

I came on today because I have

Some very important
information to share.

I finally saw avatar,

And I thought it
lived up to the hype.

Wow, I'm not sure what that
has to do with the mugging.

[laughs]

Um, leslie, counterpoint.

I disagree with carl.

- Okay.
- I have seen avatar as well.

And I think it exceeded the hype.

- What?
- Oh, boy.

We... - Disagreement.

[sighs] well, things are
really heating up in here.

Aren't they?

We should probably take some calls.

That segment was a disaster!

Don't you ever [bleep]
me like that again.

This is pawnee [bleep] today.

Do you know that I bumped a cat

That can stand up on
its hinders for you?

You disgust me, knope.
Get out of my sight.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Go.

Go. No, no, no.

Don't make me chase you.

You want to go eat something.

[softly] okay.

I am part of a great team.

And sometimes the best way
to maintain a strong team

Is just by letting someone know
that he is still a part of it.

Okay. This is the only copy.

And I am going to destroy it.

Right after I watch
it one more time.

I'm sorry, but it is so good.

- Hey, jerry.
- Mm-hmm.

I got you a peppermint latte.

Seriously?

My goodness. I love a pepp--

I know.

Ah, jeez. Go ahead.

We should just directly apply
the food to your clothes.

[laughter] - yay!

Making fun of jerry's back.

They can laugh at
me all they want.

Because two more
years until I retire

With full benefits and pension.

And my wife and I, we have bought

A little cottage on a lake.

And I am going to get myself

A stack of mystery novels,
a box of cigars,

And I am going to sit
back and enjoy my life.

Hey, jerry, April was just
double-checking the lunch order.

Do you want the
salmon or the twout?

Twout! Both: Twout! Twout! Twout!

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com