All language subtitles for Parks.and.Recreation.S02E17.HDTV.LOL.en

But we scheduled for
this time on this field.

Okay, this is no way for adults

to act in front of children.

You're not only coaches,
you're also role models.

[Scoffs].

I would hardly call
what he does coaching.

Oh...Wow.
Excellent role modeling.

Apparently, the girls'
team does not have a field

assigned to them for practice,
but the boys' team does.

No. Not on my watch.

Every child has the right to play,

no matter how boring the sport.

Okay, could you
just share the field

with the girls today, please?

I'm the girls' coach.
She's the boys' coach.

- Oh, okay, sorry.
- That's sexist.

- No, it's not.
- Yeah, it kind of is.

Okay, why don't the
boys take the field today

and then I will make
sure that the girls

get a place to practice
by the end of the week?

And that, little lady,
is a Leslie Knope promise.

- I'm a boy.
- Good, yeah.

'Cause I wasn't talking to you,
I was talking to you.

You're a girl, right?

- Yeah.
- Yep. She.

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mail's here.

Oh! Hey.

Jerry.

You got soup all over
our mail. You jerk.

Oh, my God.

It's an envelope from the I.
O.W. Awards office.

Nobody freak out.

Do you know what this means?

I am Pawnee's woman of the year.

The I.O.W. Is the Indiana
organization of women.

I have been a dues-paying
member since I was nine.

And every year,
they choose one woman to win

the Dorothy Everton Smythe
female empowerment award.

Winning is every girl's dream.

But it's my destiny.

And my dream.

Can you read it, please?

Where my ladies at?

Here we go.

The I.O.W. Is proud
to announce this year's

Dorothy Everton Smythe

female empowerment award winner:

Ronald Swanson.

Ah-ha, okay, pretty funny.

It says Ronald Swanson.

What? No, no. No, it doesn't.

I... that... no.

That... what?

They... they only honor women,

and Ron's the opposite of a woman.

What's going on?

You're, um,
Pawnee's woman of the year,

it looks like.

- Well, it's about time.
- [laughs]

No, no, no.

They've obviously made
some sort of mistake.

Bully for me.

- Congratulations, Ron.
- Yeah, congratulations.

Congrats. It's very exciting.

It's awesome.

Awards are stupid.

Which is why I fully intend
to decline this nonsense

and recommend it go to Leslie.

Because she works
really hard and I don't.

However, she cares way too
much about crap like this,

which is why I can't
pass up this opportunity

to tease her about it.

Well, we can't
stand around all day

congratulating me on
receiving an award

from some lousy
women's organization.

Back to work, everyone.

[Stutters]

[Dance music]

Hey, Freddy.

Good news.

Your liquor license
renewal got got, yo.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, I got you temporary approval

from the liquor board
pending full-board

authorization and council review.

Got got.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

No worries.

You know the Snakehole's my
favorite Pawnee hot spot.

I wanna open up my
own club one day.

Maybe call it something
like club-a-dub-dub

or the clubmarine,

sort of a submarine-themed club.

Or Tom's bistro.

The word bistro is
classy as [Bleep].

Tom, man, we are looking for

a few top quality
guys like yourself

to become part owners.

A guy like you with your
political connections,

I think you'd make a great asset.

I agree.

That's why I got into
public service, to help me.

All right. $10,000 a share.

Need the money by Friday.

$10,000. That's chump change.

I will see you Friday with $10,000.

All right, partner.

I just don't get why the I.O.W.

Would give that award to Ron.

Yeah, that's a bummer.

One, he's not a woman.

And two, they mention
the camp Athena project

in that letter.

That's my project. I started that.

It was my brainchild.

Why would Ron start a
camp for troubled girls?

- He wouldn't.
- Exactly.

I deserve that award.

That award is mine, not his.
It's mine.

You know what you should do...

I know, I already started a list.

"Write an email to Barack Obama.

"Lock myself in my
office and scream

until I lose my voice."

That's all I have so far.

I was gonna suggest
maybe you just go

and talk to him.

Oh.

You're only gonna get
more resentful if you don't.

[Sighs]

[Cell phone rings]

- Hey, Ann. How...
- Ann.

I have so much I need
to tell you right now.

Hey, Ann, Leslie would
like to talk to you

for a moment, is that all right?

Good.

Jean-Ralphio.

Big t, what it do, nephew?

[Both making whooshing sounds]

Jean-Ralphio,

I have a hot investment opportunity

that you are gonna
wanna jump all over.

Hit me with it, daddy.

- The Snakehole lounge...
- Heard of it.

- Is looking for investors.
- No way.

Yesterday if you
would have asked me,

I would have said no, but thank God

my grandfather just died so I am

* fluh-ush with cah-ash *

awesome.

I have 4,000 bucks.

All I need you to do is kick in 6gs

and then you and I are part owners

of the hottest nightclub in Pawnee.

Also, sorry about your grandpa.

No worries, he was a Dick.
Here's the thing.

I can kick in 5gs.
That should be enough, right?

No, it's not enough.
I just said I need 6gs.

What about your trust fund?

My parents had it amended.

I don't get anything until I'm 50,

which is a waste,
'cause I'm gonna be

a billionaire in
Costa Rica by then,

eating dolphins and hanging
out with lady singers.

It's not a huge deal.
Just sit tight.

I'll take care of it.

You wanna come home with me?

Don't you work at
lady foot locker?

Look, if you're
not gonna pay rent,

at least clean up your dishes.

Ugh! Is that all?

No.

Also, the bag of smells
was a fun experiment,

but it has to stop.

Come on.

Now... no, we're finally starting
to get serious results.

Andy, dude, I love you.

But shape up or move out.

What's going on?

The guitarist from my
band is driving me crazy.

He's such a control freak.

[Imitating roommate] Uh,
that's not a working fireplace, Andy.

Stop writing phone
messages on the wall, Andy.

Dude, seriously, I love you,

but stop digging that weird
hole in the backyard.

Is mouse rat gonna break up?

Well, we're not
mouse rat anymore.

We changed it to Tackleshaft.

Oh.

I should just get my own place.

You should. I'll help you.

- You could help me?
- Yeah, that'd be fun.

April, you're like
an angel with no wings.

So like a person.

[Approaching footsteps]

Hey. What's in the envelope?

Nothing. You wanted to see me?

I think the Pawnee
chapter of the I.O.W.

Has a made a little mistake.

RR, RR, RR. Really?

You're saying a women's
organization made a mistake?

I was as surprised as you were.

But the fact is,

they only give that award to women.

Hmm.

Well, it definitely said
Ron Swanson in the letter.

Yeah, but it also
mentioned my camp project.

Ah, yes, camp Xena.

Athena. Camp Athena.

You don't even know the name.

Oh, I almost got it.
It was pretty close.

- No.
- Look, Leslie.

Your job, which you're great at,

is making me look good.

Which you've clearly done well

because I'm getting an award.

Right?

- Yeah?
- Be proud of yourself.

I mean, you deserve an award.

Not this one, obviously.
This one belongs to me.

But some other one.

Some other lesser award.

And if the shoe were
on the other foot

and you won the award,
I would have congratulated you.

[Softly] Congratulations, Ron.

- What's that?
- You heard me.

You promised the girls a field

by the end of this week.

Well, it's a man's world,
Winston, get used to it.

I'm a man.

You know who you should talk to?

Ron Swanson.

He's an award winning
public servant.

He's the guy that's
gonna help you out.

Go on in there.

'Scuse me.
Ron, someone's coming in.

Hi.

Leslie said I should
come over here.

If you don't get
credit for your work,

why bother doing it?

Because I love it.

But I'm gonna make a point.

This VIP card gives
you exclusive access

to the investment
opportunity of a lifetime.

Where: Multipurpose room f.

When: 3:00 P.M.

Dress code: Black tie optional.

Just like life.

Hey, you want to see me?

Yes, yes,
just hang on one second.

I'm doing my official portrait

for the I.U.D.
Awards dinner program.

I.O.W.

No, this portrait is
not official in any way.

I'm paying for it myself.

Did you need me?

Because some of us actually
do work around here.

Work that often goes unrewarded.

I need your opinion.

Which of these objects
most represents women

for this portrait?

A pot?

Or this deputy director Barbie?

Isn't it adorable?

She's got a little briefcase,
her cell phone...

[High-pitched voice] I'm going
to help my boss win an award.

How's the, uh,
scheduling conflict

with the soccer teams going?

Take care of that, did you?

Nope. Passed the buck to Donna.

That's not really the attitude

I expect from an award winner.

Everything I do is the attitude

of an award winner because
I've won an award.

So what kind of place
are you looking for?

I can afford, like,
300 bucks a month.

I've always wanted a
doorman named Ernie.

That would be awesome. Or Kipp.

I'm pretty flexible on that.

Here's a great one.

It's a Tudor mansion,
it's got seven rooms,

four bathrooms,
it's got a tennis court,

a pool, and a three-car garage.

What?

And it's only $20,000 a month.

And it's in Chicago.

Aw. That close.
It was almost perfect.

Actually, there are a
couple cool places in here.

- Let's go look at them.
- Now?

- Let's roll.
- Okay.

Thank you all so much
for joining me today.

I have two questions for you.

One: Are you ready for the
investment opportunity

of a lifetime?

And two: Do any of
you have pacemakers

or a history of epilepsy?

Yes, both.

- Anybody, no?... right.
- Both.

[Frenetic club music]

Ladies.

* *

Jay-z. Rihanna. Audrina Patridge.

Jon Gosselin. Lady Gaga. Snooki.

Are these real people?

Cash Warren. And Dennis Rodman.

These are just a few
of the celebrities

that wish they could invest
in Pawnee's hottest club.

But they caaaaan't!

And you can for the
small price of only

[echoing] $1,000.

The only question is,
who's gonna be my partner?

Mark, I'm talking to you.

Donna, I'm talking to you.

Jerry, I'm talking to you.

Mark, I'm talking to you.

26 certificates, plaques,
ribbons, trophies,

medals, and miscellany
certifying that I am

the kind of person who
deserves recognition

for her achievements.

What do you have, Ron?

I have the Dorothy
everytime Smurf girl trophy

for excellence in female stuff.

Dorothy Everton Smythe.
I swear to God...

Leslie.

Before you continue,
please read this.

Another organization
giving you credit

for something you didn't do?

"I, Ron Swanson, recognize that

"Leslie Knope should have
received the I.O.W. Award

"for all the hard
work she has done,

"especially for the
camp Athena project.

"However, in my opinion,
she is far too concerned

with institutional gratification."

No, I'm not.

"So I'm gonna let her
dangle in order to show her

that awards are bull... crap."

Come on, Leslie,
you know I'm not sexist.

I love powerful women.

Well, you do attend a
shocking number of WNBA games.

I'm just saying that
awards are political.

And everybody has an agenda.

You spend your life chasing them,

you'll drive yourself nuts.

Yeah, all right.

But Dorothy Everton Smythe
was a trailblazing feminist.

She was the first woman in Pawnee

to wear pants on a Sunday.

She spent four years
in jail for that.

I know I'm not supposed to
care about these things,

but this one means a lot.

* I know you've been changing *

the acoustics in the
bathroom are insane.

So, um, how much
is this one again?

Uh, this one is $425
a month plus utilities.

Hmm. I like it.

Uh, it seems to have...

A lot of potential and...

A lot of advantages, per Se.

Could definitely picture myself

doing something over there.

You hear that?

What is that?

It's still on.

You can light a match
to get rid of that smell.

I feel really good about this.

- Really?
- It screams Andy Dwyer.

And I live nearby,
so we could, like,

carpool to work or something.

- Oh, are you serious?
- Yep.

The scream just got louder.

Uh, so what do you think?

I don't know, make me an offer.

Okay. First come, first served.

Who's in? Jerry.

Oh, geez, Tom.

If I spend any more than 25 bucks,
I gotta ask my wife.

- Jerry, get out.
- Okay.

[Imitating Ann] Mark,
what are we doing tonight?

[Imitating mark] Oh,
I don't know, Ann.

We could do the usual boring stuff

like eat some chicken
salad with some crackers

or watch the pay-per-view.

Or...

We could go to my nightclub
and do some dancin'.

I don't think so, man.

You'd never have
to beg for sex again.

I don't wanna get
into this, really,

but I don't beg for sex now.

Forget about that, mark.
Are you in or out?

Just not really my thing.

Bye, mark.

Cindy.

* Donna *

maybe. I like the Snakehole.

Plus, I would look
good pulling into

my owner's parking
space in my Mercedes.

Just to be clear,
you wouldn't be an owner per Se.

You, me, and my boy jean-Ralphio

would each own part of a share.

Will that be cash or check?

Not so fast.

I'd like to know who
I'm in business with.

I wanna meet your boy.

Come here. This lady's here.

Hi. I'm Elise Yarktin.
I'm with the I.O.W.

I'm...Woman of the year,
Ron Swanson.

Yes, I know.

We are very excited
to be presenting you

with the Smythe award.

That's what I called
you to talk about.

I don't know if I can
take all the excitement.

So I think the award should
go to miss Knope here.

Hello.

She's the one who
really deserves it.

Camp Athena was her idea,
she did all the work.

You made a mistake.

Uh, we didn't make a mistake.

We made a very conscious
decision this year

to choose a man.

Why?

Well, uh, every year
we give it to a woman,

and frankly nobody cares.

Yeah, the media has
all but written us off

as a niche interest group.

But if you give a woman's award to

a mustachioed, masculine
man such as yourself,

well, then, eventually
people take notice.

I don't want the damn thing.

Well, we're giving it to you.

So you're gonna take it.

Like a man.

So congratulations.

The I.O.W.
Is a bunch of sexist jerks

who need to get back in the
kitchen where they belong

and leave the real feminist
work to actual feminists

like Ron Swanson!

Oh, my God, what is happening?

Now do you see how
silly these things are?

Unbelievable.

Obviously,
I'm just gonna decline it.

No, I want you to accept it.

I want you to go to the
podium and talk about

how stupid awards are.

And how they're superficial
and meaningless.

I want you to rip
awards a new a-hole.

Now we're talking.
I'll tell you what.

You write the speech,
don't pull your punches.

I won't. I'm gonna
push my punches.

As far as my fist can extend.

Atta girl.

Kind of.

What up, big t? Stop.

This must be the lovely Donna.

Enchante.

Listen, beautiful,
let's cut the bull.

Right? You want this.

I definitely want this.
T.H. Wants this.

[Makes explosion sound]

Let's seal this devil's
threeway right here, right now.

Step one: We buy into this club.

Step two: We roll over to the club,

either in your Mercedes-Benz
or my pre-owned Acura legend.

Step three: I dagger
you on the dance floor,

just bounce, bounce,
bounce, bounce.

* and now all the ladies say *

* bounce, bounce, bounce,
bounce, bounce *

what do you say, sexy?

- I'm out.
- Why?

I hate that guy.

[Sighs]

Oh, Mr. Swanson.

Hi, welcome to the I.O.W. Awards,

and congratulations on winning.

Yay.

Well, here is your awards packet,

and, uh, if you
will just follow me,

uh, we're gonna have a
little meet and greet

before the ceremony.

- Okay.
- Great.

Oh, um, no, I'm sorry,

this area is for
award winners only.

Oh, get over yourself, Elise.

Work on the speech.
Let's nail these women.

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

I don't know, Andy.
What's it all about?

What's the secret?

Yeah.

Why is it so hard
to become a mogul?

All I want in life
is to own a nightclub

on every continent.

Have my own line of
upscale sweat suits

and a cologne called Tommy fresh.

And I fell $1,000 short.

Seriously? That's all you needed?

Tom, I have $1,000.
You can have it.

Thanks, Andy,
but I can't take your money.

I'm a singer-songwriter.

The two lines I put into
every song I've ever sang,

"spread your wings and fly"

and "you deserve to be a champion."

You're telling me that all you need

is $1,000 to do your dreams?

Then I want you to have it.

Are you sure about this?

Maybe.

You know how happy
you just made me?

[Laughs]

He's the director of the Pawnee

parks and recreation department.

He is also the recipient
of this year's

Dorothy Everton Smythe
female empowerment award.

Please put your hands
together for Mr. Ron Swanson.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you, thank you.

Every award from
the smallest trophy

to the Nobel prize

is nothing more than...

Is nothing more than a great way

to honor someone.

So I would like to
present this year's

Dottie English whatever award

to the person who
actually deserves it.

Leslie Knope.
Come on up here, Leslie.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you.

I don't know what to say.

Um, honestly, I'm just very honored

to work for someone
as insightful and kind

as my boss.

So I would like to
present this year's

Dorothy Everton Smythe award

to Ron Swanson.

I don't want it.
Just take the damn thing.

- You deserve it.
- No, no, really.

No, Ron, you deserve it.

Really, but I don't want it.

But you won it,
and you should win it.

After that whole conversation...

- I'm being ridiculous.
- If you don't...

Could someone
please just take it?

Okay, I'll take it.

Who do I speak to about
getting this changed?

Get off the stage.

I still think awards are stupid.

But they'd be less
stupid if they went to

the right people.

You gave Tom all your money?

Yeah. Well, I'm investing.

I'm like Warren "Buffay."

I kind of feel like
it would have been

good for you to
have your own place.

Ah, yeah, I know.

But I feel like Tom
really needed the money.

And small sacrifice to see
one of your best friend's

dreams come true.

[Scoffs]

They cropped you out.

Figures.

So where are you gonna put it?

Uh, I have an idea.

One...

Both: Two, three.

[Chuckles]

What's up?

Hey, guys. How long
did you wait in line?

I didn't wait at all.
I'm a part owner.

Freddy. I'm back.

Tom Haverford, part owner.

Let me know if you need anything.

Keep this booth warm
for me every night.

I'm gonna live in this booth.

[Chuckles]

Yes, sir.

Donna?

What are you doing here?

I bought three shares.
Thanks for the tip.

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