Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,123 --> 00:00:05,723
Due to the global pandemic, residents have been
given strict orders of how they can and cannot
2
00:00:05,723 --> 00:00:14,043
interact. We have been tasked to enforce those
orders and let's just say it's been interesting...
3
00:00:14,043 --> 00:00:29,883
[Alex] I swear every time I think the world
can't get dumber, someone's like hold my keg.
4
00:00:29,883 --> 00:00:30,380
[Intro music]
5
00:00:30,380 --> 00:00:36,043
[Randall] Well good folks, I don't mean
to interrupt but due to the pandemic...
6
00:00:36,043 --> 00:00:39,403
[Theo] Oh my god. I'm so sorry
we weren't even thinking!
7
00:00:39,403 --> 00:00:42,683
[Randall] It's okay. As long as you
keep your distance and wear your mask
8
00:00:43,403 --> 00:00:46,323
it's fine. But thank you for... What is that?
9
00:00:46,323 --> 00:00:51,963
[Theo] It's just some essential
oils Wolf's Bane, Witch Hazel,
10
00:00:51,963 --> 00:00:56,571
Phosphorus or as it's also known... "The Cure"
11
00:00:56,571 --> 00:00:58,283
[Alex] Ugh, I can smell it...
12
00:00:58,283 --> 00:00:59,243
[Randall] (Disgusted) I can taste it...
13
00:00:59,243 --> 00:01:01,723
[Alex] If one of you cold brown'd I swear to God!
14
00:01:01,723 --> 00:01:05,723
[Carrie] Oh, you must be talking
about our homemade antibiotics.
15
00:01:05,723 --> 00:01:09,082
Yeah; coconut oil; durian paste, arnica...
16
00:01:09,683 --> 00:01:15,963
[Randall] So you guys did all of this to
make sure people stay 10 feet away from you?
17
00:01:15,963 --> 00:01:19,003
[Carrie] Oh so you're one of those?
18
00:01:19,003 --> 00:01:23,163
[Alex] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I hope
you're referring to people with functioning noses!
19
00:01:23,163 --> 00:01:28,443
[Theo] Whoa, whoa, whoa,The medical
industry is a 20 trillion dollar business!
20
00:01:28,443 --> 00:01:30,763
[Alex] ehh...That's just obviously not true.
21
00:01:31,523 --> 00:01:33,323
[Alex] Do you taste that?
22
00:01:33,323 --> 00:01:34,763
[Randall] I do. Taste it.
23
00:01:34,763 --> 00:01:42,522
[Carrie] Insurance companies push drugs on us to
make money off of us when nature has every cure we
24
00:01:42,522 --> 00:01:48,603
need for free! You know we haven't followed
one rule and haven't had one infection yet.
25
00:01:48,603 --> 00:01:49,243
[Randall Really!
26
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:52,123
[Carrie] Aside from Celeste, Dawn,
27
00:01:52,123 --> 00:01:57,951
Harmony, Karma... But it's their own fault they
were using Opal crystals over Obsidian ugh!
28
00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:02,203
[Randall] Look i don't care if you
use Opal crystals, Obsidian crystals
29
00:02:02,203 --> 00:02:07,163
or crystal-light crystals! Look! Just wear
your mask okay? Here. Okay. Make sure you
30
00:02:07,163 --> 00:02:11,082
recycle them. You can just spray your little
crystal stuff inside. But wear your mask!
31
00:02:12,803 --> 00:02:17,323
[Theo] Are these compostable?
Uhh where do we throw these away?
32
00:02:17,323 --> 00:02:17,936
[Carrie] I don't know
33
00:02:17,936 --> 00:02:19,963
[Alex] Put them on or I'll put you on!
34
00:02:21,323 --> 00:02:27,163
[Theo] me off? Put me on? Ah, is he
hitting on us? What's up? Hey! We swing!
35
00:02:27,163 --> 00:02:27,963
[Alex] Don't ask!
36
00:02:27,963 --> 00:02:29,443
[Theo] Thursdays!
37
00:02:29,443 --> 00:02:32,683
[Alex] I'm telling you past
Caitlyn Jenner in the 70's...
38
00:02:32,683 --> 00:02:34,203
[Dankbank] Hey! What's up my ninjas?
39
00:02:34,203 --> 00:02:36,763
[Alex] Okay, if he's got a
mask on nothing makes sense.
40
00:02:36,763 --> 00:02:39,643
[Dankbank] How are my two favorite
security guards doing today? Hey,
41
00:02:39,643 --> 00:02:42,443
actually I'm about to get on live real
quick if you guys want to hop on with me?
42
00:02:42,443 --> 00:02:46,003
I really want to get out there the message
of why it's important to wear your mask.
43
00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:47,563
[Alex] Oh hell yeah, that'd be awesome.
44
00:02:47,563 --> 00:02:50,203
[Randall] No, no. I.. I don't I don't
45
00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:52,043
know I don't get on live. I've
never been on live before, right.
46
00:02:52,043 --> 00:02:54,203
[Alex] What are you talking about?
We got cameras all the time!
47
00:02:54,203 --> 00:02:57,003
[Randall I know, but that's different. I
don't like... what do I do? With my hands?
48
00:02:57,003 --> 00:02:58,359
[Alex] Just put them right on your belt...
49
00:02:58,359 --> 00:03:01,643
[Dankbank] What's good Dank squad? I
just wanted to hop on the live real quick
50
00:03:01,643 --> 00:03:05,723
to remind you guys that this pandemic is
serious okay? So if you're going outside
51
00:03:05,723 --> 00:03:07,723
you need to wear your mask! All right?
52
00:03:07,723 --> 00:03:09,243
Just because it doesn't affect you
53
00:03:09,243 --> 00:03:13,403
doesn't mean it doesn't affect the people around
you right? You got to think of your parents,
54
00:03:13,403 --> 00:03:17,883
your grandparents, okay? It's not
just about you. It's about all of us.
55
00:03:17,883 --> 00:03:18,523
[Randall] That's right.
56
00:03:18,523 --> 00:03:19,883
[Dankbank] You guys got
anything else you want to add?
57
00:03:19,883 --> 00:03:23,723
[Alex] Uh, no not really. Just listen
to Dankbank man. That's the homie!
58
00:03:23,723 --> 00:03:24,523
[Randall] I'm randall.
59
00:03:24,523 --> 00:03:25,723
[Alex] What did you say?
60
00:03:25,723 --> 00:03:30,203
[Dankbank] Hey, think about your
first responders okay? These guys
61
00:03:30,203 --> 00:03:33,483
put their lives on the line for our freedom!
62
00:03:33,483 --> 00:03:35,443
[Alex] Well, not really...
63
00:03:35,443 --> 00:03:40,923
[Dankbank] Hm I appreciate what you do man
okay. I'll never kneel for that flag! Black
64
00:03:40,923 --> 00:03:45,883
Lives Matter! Hashtag me too! Grab
her by the [__]! Go vegan y'all!
65
00:03:45,883 --> 00:03:47,836
[Awkward silence]
66
00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:51,243
[Randall] Trust..trust... that, thank
you thank you Dankbank. That's. That
67
00:03:51,243 --> 00:03:54,803
was really helpful and I'm sure that's
gonna tell a lot of people what to do...
68
00:03:54,803 --> 00:03:58,203
[Alex] Went a little off the rails at the
end... But that was dope man thank you.
69
00:03:58,203 --> 00:04:03,323
[Dankbank] Oh no, I got you. Hey, yo this
is gonna get me some major action bro!
70
00:04:03,323 --> 00:04:06,403
Dankbank bout to get all up
in that poontank! Thank you!
71
00:04:06,403 --> 00:04:08,283
[Alex] What the hell are you doing?
72
00:04:08,283 --> 00:04:14,323
[Dankbank] Bro! The algorithm eats this mask [__
] up. You already know I had to get me a piece!
73
00:04:14,323 --> 00:04:19,322
[Alex] Okay, so that's why your causes sounded
like you were having a hashtag stroke? Got it
74
00:04:19,322 --> 00:04:22,363
[Dankbank] Bro! I can't put a mask
over this pretty ass face! I'm trying
75
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,083
to be like Future! You know what I'm saying?
76
00:04:24,083 --> 00:04:26,603
[Alex] I get it. Mask Off.
77
00:04:26,603 --> 00:04:27,083
[Randall] Who's Future?
78
00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:27,763
[Alex] That's good
79
00:04:27,763 --> 00:04:30,283
[Dankbank]. Nah! I'm trying to [__] Ciara!
80
00:04:30,283 --> 00:04:32,202
[Alex] Okay, I feel that with that.
81
00:04:32,202 --> 00:04:33,403
[Dankbank] Uh.. yeah
82
00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:33,963
[Alex] Yeah I..
83
00:04:33,963 --> 00:04:35,163
[Bump Elbows]
[Dankbank]I like that I like that!
84
00:04:35,163 --> 00:04:38,763
[Randall] You know what
Dankbank? I think you're right.
85
00:04:38,763 --> 00:04:40,363
[Alex] Randall, No, no, no.
86
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:44,923
[Randall] I think these masks
are... um lame um yeah you
87
00:04:45,643 --> 00:04:48,763
know what I'm saying. I'm gonna,
I'm gonna follow your lead okay.
88
00:04:48,763 --> 00:04:52,123
And I'm gonna make sure
everybody knows that Dankbank
89
00:04:52,123 --> 00:04:58,202
influenced me! Because you're cool. I
wanna be cool. Let's be cool. Dankbaaank!
90
00:04:58,202 --> 00:05:03,563
[Dankbank] Yo if this nerd isn't wearing
a mask. Then that's not dank anymore.
91
00:05:03,563 --> 00:05:05,643
[clears throat]
92
00:05:05,643 --> 00:05:09,883
Gotta stay ahead of the algorithm.
You know what I'm saying?
93
00:05:09,883 --> 00:05:10,662
[Randall] Good.
94
00:05:10,662 --> 00:05:12,843
[Alex] That really does cover your whole face huh?
95
00:05:12,843 --> 00:05:13,490
[Randall] It does.
96
00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:14,683
[Alex] Ugly people came up.
97
00:05:14,683 --> 00:05:15,723
[Randall] Nice work.
98
00:05:15,723 --> 00:05:17,243
[Alex] Rules are rules.
99
00:05:17,243 --> 00:05:19,803
You better put this back on.
100
00:05:19,803 --> 00:05:20,841
[Randall] Mask on!
101
00:05:20,841 --> 00:05:22,243
[Alex] See future is a rapper...
[Randall] Ah
102
00:05:27,643 --> 00:05:35,083
Mr. Stevens... Look at you. Now, you know
you're required to wear a mask right?
103
00:05:35,083 --> 00:05:39,243
[Mr. Stevens] And are you two [__] still
aware this is the U.S. of [__] - A!?
104
00:05:39,243 --> 00:05:42,735
[Alex] Well it's the state government
that mandated the mask requirement so...
105
00:05:42,735 --> 00:05:49,083
[Mr. Stevens] Man so... You guys can't mandate [
__]! The U.S. Constitution! You ever heard of it?
106
00:05:49,723 --> 00:05:52,603
My grandfather didn't fight in Korea for this!
107
00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:55,403
[Randall] We thank your
grandfather for his services...
108
00:05:55,403 --> 00:05:59,723
[Mr. Stevens] No he wasn't in the
military. He was a taxi driver
109
00:05:59,723 --> 00:06:04,763
and a cage fighter. And people respected
him all over Korea whether it was in the
110
00:06:04,763 --> 00:06:08,043
cage or whether he's dropping
somebody off at the airport.
111
00:06:08,843 --> 00:06:13,803
And I'll have you know when he left Korea
everyone in the peninsula knew his name
112
00:06:13,803 --> 00:06:19,883
as Gingyang son mcgigan. Which
means "the masked American".
113
00:06:19,883 --> 00:06:25,083
[Alex] Your grandfather was literally
known as the masked American?
114
00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:28,283
[Mr. Stevens] Yes. But it's not what
you think. It's not that Nacho Libre
115
00:06:28,283 --> 00:06:32,283
[__]! He was wearing a mask because
there was like a... flu back then yeah...
116
00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:34,523
[Alex] You don't see the irony in this?
117
00:06:34,523 --> 00:06:35,323
[Mr. Stevens] No?
118
00:06:35,323 --> 00:06:37,403
[Alex] I'm not the only one hearing this right?
119
00:06:37,403 --> 00:06:40,115
[Randall] You're getting a
little bit off subject here.
120
00:06:40,115 --> 00:06:41,403
[Mr. Stevens] What subject?
121
00:06:41,403 --> 00:06:46,202
The subject about your mask being a
Liberal plot to overthrow the government?
122
00:06:46,202 --> 00:06:51,003
I'm not believing in that fake news.
Never in the history of my great nation
123
00:06:51,003 --> 00:06:54,923
has a bigger hoax been pulled
on the people of our country!
124
00:06:54,923 --> 00:06:57,163
[Alex] You've got Watergate uh Iran-Contra...
125
00:06:57,163 --> 00:06:58,043
[Randall] Slavery...
126
00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:02,388
[Alex] Lack of rights for gay
people and lesbian people...
127
00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:03,326
[Randall] Jim Crow, Three strike law...
128
00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:04,169
[Alex] Uh Tulsa... I got like 50...
129
00:07:04,169 --> 00:07:07,403
[Mr. Stevens] Okay! Enough! This is
harassment. AndII'm not okay with
130
00:07:07,403 --> 00:07:10,603
it. And I'm not gonna be bullied
by the likes of you two [__]!
131
00:07:10,603 --> 00:07:16,123
[Randall] Okay, you can be not okay with it
all you want. But just be not okay with it
132
00:07:16,123 --> 00:07:20,203
behind a mask! Thank you.Put it on!
133
00:07:20,723 --> 00:07:22,763
[Alex] Punk ass Popeye.
134
00:07:22,763 --> 00:07:26,795
[phone ringing]
135
00:07:26,795 --> 00:07:29,483
[Randall]
136
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,643
Hello? This is Randall with security.
137
00:07:31,643 --> 00:07:36,763
[Mr. Stevens] Yes. This is Mr Stevens. There's
a black guy that's harassing me with his partner
138
00:07:36,763 --> 00:07:41,723
for no reason. I was wearing my mask and
they started yelling at me. Probably because
139
00:07:42,443 --> 00:07:48,443
I love my country... And uh he's looking
at me menacingly right now. Send help fast!
140
00:07:48,443 --> 00:07:49,691
[confesional]
141
00:07:49,691 --> 00:07:54,843
[Alex] Just wear the mask people! Is that so
much to ask? Everybody in this town is just
142
00:07:54,843 --> 00:08:01,243
a... a medical professional all of a sudden? You
know somebody at the CDC? No you don't! You don't!
143
00:08:01,243 --> 00:08:11,883
[Randall] Maybe I should get Mr. Keene?
144
00:08:11,883 --> 00:08:12,273
[Both] Laughter
145
00:08:12,273 --> 00:08:13,493
[Alex] Oh.. oh god you actually almost had me.
146
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,603
[Randall] Just trying to lighten the mood.
147
00:08:14,603 --> 00:08:17,483
[Alex] No, no I'll listen to Dr.
Pepper before I listen to him!
148
00:08:17,483 --> 00:08:20,763
[Randall] Been a long day.
149
00:08:21,763 --> 00:08:26,009
[Carlton] Oh, oh my God... I'm supposed
to be wearing a mask aren't I?
150
00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:27,003
[Randall] Yes you are sir.
151
00:08:27,003 --> 00:08:30,443
[Carlton] Uh, I'm so sorry. I know the rules.
I know the rules. I figure you two have a lot
152
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:33,722
better things to do than babysit a bunch of
adults who can't even follow the rules, right?
153
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:34,079
[Randall] ha, ha, ha
154
00:08:34,079 --> 00:08:35,163
[Alex] You would think...
155
00:08:35,163 --> 00:08:35,803
[Randall] Right, right
156
00:08:35,803 --> 00:08:38,123
[Carlton] Oh, man. This pandemic
has people acting crazy huh?
157
00:08:38,123 --> 00:08:38,563
[Randall] Yeah.
158
00:08:38,563 --> 00:08:40,602
[Carlton] Yeah. It's like nobody
can follow directions anymore.
159
00:08:40,602 --> 00:08:41,323
[Randall] Yeah...
160
00:08:41,323 --> 00:08:41,894
[Alex] You tell 'em man!
161
00:08:41,894 --> 00:08:44,202
[Clayton] Well allow me to
be the first to apologize
162
00:08:44,202 --> 00:08:46,123
for the species. Let me... Oh here's my mask
163
00:08:46,123 --> 00:08:49,219
[Randall] Thank you for cooperating.
You are doing [Alex] Put on a mask...
164
00:08:49,219 --> 00:08:49,723
[Carlton] No problem
165
00:08:49,723 --> 00:08:53,483
[Randall] Um...
166
00:08:53,483 --> 00:08:54,114
[Alex] That is not a mask.
167
00:08:54,114 --> 00:08:54,297
[Awkward silence]
168
00:08:54,297 --> 00:08:57,643
[Carlton] What is... What's the matter? You
boys never seen a man wear a mask before?
169
00:08:57,643 --> 00:09:03,403
[Randall] That's not it, it's just that
you know... Your underwear has holes in it
170
00:09:03,403 --> 00:09:08,963
[Carlton] Oh does that bother you? Does
that hurt your prude American sexuality?
171
00:09:08,963 --> 00:09:12,523
[Alex] Dude it's been a long
day okay! Can you please just
172
00:09:12,523 --> 00:09:14,843
use one of our masks we've got
like 50. Will you give me one.
173
00:09:14,843 --> 00:09:18,523
[Carlton] Well, what are you gonna do if i
don't huh? You gonna pin me down and arrest me?
174
00:09:18,523 --> 00:09:18,923
[Alex] No?
175
00:09:18,923 --> 00:09:22,283
[Carlton] Yeah? Hold me
down, have your way with me?
176
00:09:22,283 --> 00:09:25,563
You'd like that huh? You tall chocolate
frosty how about you vanilla? You want
177
00:09:25,563 --> 00:09:28,603
to break me like a Mcdonald's ice cream
machine? uhh, why is it always broken?
178
00:09:28,603 --> 00:09:29,723
[Randall] What?
179
00:09:29,723 --> 00:09:32,763
[Alex] Look sir this is your
last warning! Okay? You need
180
00:09:32,763 --> 00:09:35,083
to use an approved method to cover your face.
181
00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:36,671
[Carlton] Oh I'll cover my face alright!
182
00:09:36,671 --> 00:09:39,163
[loud noise]
[Alex] Oh Jesus! That is assault!
183
00:09:39,163 --> 00:09:41,483
[Randall] Sir, sir sir. N,o no uh-huh... Okay?
184
00:09:41,483 --> 00:09:44,203
[Alex] Don't do that. Come on! What,
what the hell are you doing man?
185
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,683
[Carlton] Ah yeah...
186
00:09:46,683 --> 00:09:48,443
[Alex] What the hell are you doing?
187
00:09:48,443 --> 00:09:51,003
[Carlton] Oh yeah! Is this what you want?
188
00:09:51,003 --> 00:09:51,483
[Alex] No!
189
00:09:51,483 --> 00:09:52,843
[Carlton] Yeah! Yeah!
190
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,043
[Randall] Sir, you're gonna hurt yourself.
191
00:09:54,043 --> 00:09:56,843
[Carlton] Oh you would have hurt
me yourself huh? Come on you boys...
192
00:09:57,403 --> 00:10:05,501
Bring me your chocolate ice cream swirls uh...
[Thuds to the ground]
193
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:06,683
[Randall] Is he okay?
194
00:10:06,683 --> 00:10:09,323
[Alex] Who cares? Wanna get some ice cream?
195
00:10:09,323 --> 00:10:10,603
[Randall] Yeah.
196
00:10:13,083 --> 00:10:17,883
Put it on when you're up.
197
00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:31,883
[Alex] He kind of sounds like that Hans guy...
198
00:10:31,933 --> 00:10:36,483
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
18151
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.