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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,167 --> 00:00:04,597 - Good afternoon, eleanor. What can I get you today? 2 00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:06,735 - Whoa. Lot of new flavors. 3 00:00:06,741 --> 00:00:08,341 - Michael felt bad about the sinkhole, 4 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,312 so he wanted to give you all a little treat. 5 00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:14,481 I recommend "full cell phone battery." 6 00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,082 - whoa. 7 00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:18,553 It somehow tastes how I felt when my cell phone 8 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,122 was fully charged. 9 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,751 Oh, I'm so relaxed. 10 00:00:21,756 --> 00:00:23,156 But they all look good. 11 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,757 This might take me a while. 12 00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:27,189 You know what, gunnar, uh, why don't you go ahead? 13 00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:28,594 - Thanks so much, eleanor. - Mm-hmm. 14 00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:30,356 - What can I get you, gunnar? - Hi, janet. 15 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,134 Can I have some folded laundry? - Coming up. 16 00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:36,544 [indistinct chatter] 17 00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:40,438 [upbeat music] 18 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,111 ♪ ♪ 19 00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:43,679 - chidi! 20 00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:44,677 You'll never believe it. 21 00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:46,048 I was at the frozen yogurt place 22 00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:47,577 and I didn't know what I wanted, 23 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,111 so I turned to the guy behind me, and I was like, 24 00:00:49,116 --> 00:00:50,776 "why don't you go ahead?" [gasps] 25 00:00:50,785 --> 00:00:53,685 just like that! "why don't you go ahead?" 26 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:55,087 - o-okay? 27 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,489 - Dude, you don't understand! 28 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,760 I never did stuff like that when I was on earth. 29 00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:01,059 But now, thanks to your "good person" lessons, 30 00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:02,432 I didn't hold up the line. 31 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:05,160 I didn't even try a dozen samples I didn't want 32 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,566 just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line. 33 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,568 - You do that? 34 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:11,369 - No, chidi, I used to do that. 35 00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:14,472 Now I do selfless things without even thinking about it. 36 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:15,605 - That's great. 37 00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:17,579 I-I'm proud of you. 38 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:18,808 So where's our yogurt? 39 00:01:18,813 --> 00:01:20,513 - Ugh. I forgot it. 40 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,514 Oh... Can you go? 41 00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:24,216 I don't want to go all the way back. 42 00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:27,488 I ran all the way here and it was so hot. 43 00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:32,358 I mean, I will happily get it, because I told you I would. 44 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:36,633 Good person. 45 00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:39,670 [mellow music] 46 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:43,537 ♪ ♪ 47 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,637 - so, to sum up: 48 00:01:45,638 --> 00:01:47,738 Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice 49 00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:50,611 is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, 50 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,741 and the least pain and suffering. 51 00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:55,406 - I like this one. It's simple. 52 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:58,176 Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, 53 00:01:58,185 --> 00:01:59,485 why didn't you start with this one? 54 00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,687 - Ah, but here's the problem. 55 00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:03,888 If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," 56 00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:06,431 then you can justify any number of bad actions, 57 00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:09,457 like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, 58 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:10,703 or preemptive war-- 59 00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:12,198 - oh, dip, I get it. 60 00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:14,129 It's like, I knew this girl sheila? 61 00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:17,495 She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone. 62 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:19,735 - Um, okay, what? 63 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:22,540 - Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, donkey doug 64 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,543 and make him move to sarasota. 65 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,675 It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew 66 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,250 and donkey doug was our best pop-and-locker. 67 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,350 So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards 68 00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:33,822 in sheila's garage and called the cops. 69 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:36,291 I framed one innocent gator dealer 70 00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:38,890 to save a 60-person dance crew. 71 00:02:38,893 --> 00:02:42,163 - Shockingly, that is a relevant example 72 00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:43,603 of the utilitarian dilemma. 73 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,397 Well done. - Thanks! 74 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,569 Um... 75 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,598 - Uh, yes, jianyu? - Can I be excused? 76 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,773 Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there 77 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,572 before all the mini-waffles run out. 78 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:56,214 - Go ahead, man. - Yes! 79 00:02:57,244 --> 00:03:00,484 - So, you want to roll right into another lesson? 80 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,311 I am revved up to learn, man. 81 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:03,716 My brain is horny! 82 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,247 - Um, can we take a little break? 83 00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:06,892 I've been standing at this chalkboard all day. 84 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,397 - Oh, yeah, I get it. 85 00:03:08,405 --> 00:03:09,915 Oh, you could, um, grade my paper I wrote 86 00:03:09,924 --> 00:03:11,664 on the concept of dharma. 87 00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:14,489 Six pages, and I didn't even do that thing 88 00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:16,955 where I try to make it longer by starting every sentence with 89 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,234 "interestingly..." 90 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:20,502 - sure, I'll do that and, uh... 91 00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,701 We can start another lesson. 92 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,234 - Ah, tahani. 93 00:03:29,226 --> 00:03:31,576 I've been working on my western hemisphere brunch banter. 94 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,549 Tell me what you think. 95 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,807 That "new yorker" article was crazy. 96 00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,746 You haven't seen "hamilton"? 97 00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,591 Hey, did you hear about stephanie? 98 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:42,347 - Very well done, michael. - Hi, there! 99 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:47,226 We have a category 55 emergency doomsday crisis. 100 00:03:47,228 --> 00:03:49,958 - A category 55 emergency doomsday crisis? 101 00:03:49,964 --> 00:03:52,114 - Mm-hmm. 102 00:03:52,115 --> 00:03:54,265 - Sorry, what is a category 55 emergency doomsday crisis? 103 00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,898 - It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience. 104 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,974 Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room 105 00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:02,544 where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell 106 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:05,243 very loudly out of fear? 107 00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:08,514 [device chimes] 108 00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:10,395 [gasps] 109 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,280 - it appears that the sinkhole is not repairing itself. 110 00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,516 - This is very bad, janet. 111 00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:17,391 We have to go into the sinkhole and fix it by hand. 112 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,661 Get the tools. 113 00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,389 - Sorry, can I be of any service? 114 00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:21,764 - Ah, tahani. 115 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:24,402 Didn't see you there. Uh, no, no. 116 00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:25,728 We're just having a slight problem 117 00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:28,033 with the enormous sinkhole. 118 00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:29,935 - Yes, I meant to tell you-- 119 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:31,967 I walked past it last night and I actually saw it 120 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:33,042 get a little bit bigger. 121 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,810 - [screams] 122 00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,008 it got bigger? 123 00:04:36,010 --> 00:04:38,610 Ah, well, that's-- that's so normal. 124 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,712 Um, this is the reaction I have when things 125 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:42,954 are incredibly mundane and expected. 126 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,380 I'm gonna leave now... 127 00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,385 At my regular pace, 128 00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:49,347 as I do in most scenarios. 129 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,496 - Finally! 130 00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,328 Let's get back to it. 131 00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:00,933 Whip out that chalkboard, big boy, show me 132 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,394 what you're working with. 133 00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:05,836 - Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some... 134 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:06,939 Blankets. 135 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,070 - Great, I'll grab my sweater. 136 00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:10,936 I can practice letting people cut in front of me. 137 00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:12,944 - You know, uh, I just realized 138 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:16,476 that I have blankets, so I'm going to take a nap 139 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,823 using the several blankets that I already have. 140 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,049 Good night. 141 00:05:20,054 --> 00:05:21,794 - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. 142 00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,489 What's wrong? Out with it. 143 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,720 - I'm just tired, need a break. 144 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:25,855 No big deal. 145 00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:27,689 - The way you're talking to me right now? 146 00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:30,325 "everything's cool, no big deal"--I know that move. 147 00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:33,371 When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," 148 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:36,497 it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew," 149 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:39,073 to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, 150 00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:41,113 things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid." 151 00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,078 - wow. 152 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:45,036 Okay, well, in this case, it really is no big deal. 153 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,075 - Dude, you're hiding something! 154 00:05:47,081 --> 00:05:49,781 What's wrong? - Nothing! 155 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:53,793 - What...Is... 156 00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,887 Wrong? 157 00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:58,885 [device chimes] 158 00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:05,895 - jianyu second. 159 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,969 Oh, well done, my love. 160 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,399 So where am I? 161 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:11,904 Eleanor--6th? 162 00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:14,405 Come on. 163 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:24,423 Oh, no. 164 00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:27,548 I'm second to last. 165 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,394 Mummy, I made you this. 166 00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:31,760 It's the pretty bird we saw in the garden. 167 00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:34,829 - Thank you, tahani. It's very competent. 168 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,898 - I made a bird, as well. 169 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:41,027 I worked in a reflective alloy, holding up a mirror to mankind 170 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,674 and its mistreatment of these defenseless animals. 171 00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:45,540 - Excellent, kamilah. 172 00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:48,909 I sense the influence of brancusi and kapoor. 173 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,039 - It seems you're moving out of your structural period, 174 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,084 and more into conceptual abstraction. 175 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,850 - Good eye, mother. 176 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,618 I grew tired of objective representation. 177 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,847 I trust my audience. 178 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,522 - My birdie has a hat. 179 00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,021 - Yes, well done, tahani. 180 00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:04,964 - What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong. 181 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,558 - What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong. 182 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:07,660 - What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong. 183 00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:08,691 - What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong. 184 00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:09,685 Would you stop doing that? 185 00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:10,726 Okay, fine! - What's wrong? 186 00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:11,901 - You want to know what's wrong? 187 00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:13,699 You are a full-time job. 188 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:15,070 I wake up, there's eleanor. 189 00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:17,138 I spend all day teaching eleanor. 190 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,037 And then it's, "good night, eleanor." 191 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,539 oh, this is a nice dream, my grandma's here. 192 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,012 Wait, she's got eleanor's face! 193 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:24,910 And tentacles for some reason. 194 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:27,082 - I thought you liked teaching me. 195 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,510 So now I'm just some huge burden for you? 196 00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:30,516 - Yes! 197 00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:31,517 Of course you are! 198 00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:32,878 I am in paradise! 199 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,686 I should be doing paradise things, 200 00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:37,158 like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, 201 00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:38,557 reading french poetry. 202 00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:40,829 - That's your idea of paradise? 203 00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:43,128 - You know, and I can't stop helping you, 204 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,730 because then I am shirking my ethical duty. 205 00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:47,172 It's an impossible position! 206 00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,167 - You know what, if you're so stressed from writing 207 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:51,239 on a chalkboard, why don't you just leave? 208 00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,938 We can pretend to be soul mates in public, 209 00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:54,970 but other than that, we don't have to see each other! 210 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,535 - Fine with me! I'll move out right now. 211 00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:57,543 - Fine! 212 00:07:57,544 --> 00:07:58,684 [alarm blares] 213 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,579 - good afternoon. 214 00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,480 As you all may remember, a sinkhole recently 215 00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,553 opened up in the town center. 216 00:08:04,551 --> 00:08:06,991 The situation, sadly, has worsened. 217 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,187 Starting right now, no one may go outside 218 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:11,589 under any circumstances. 219 00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:15,092 Leaving your homes could result in catastrophic damage, 220 00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,955 to you and to the very fabric of the universe. 221 00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,125 Okay, bye. 222 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,273 - Or we could both just stay here. 223 00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:28,842 - We hope you enjoy your eternal stay in the good place. 224 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:32,242 Take advantage of our day spa, or janet-- 225 00:08:32,246 --> 00:08:35,706 a magical assistant who can get you whatever you want. 226 00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:37,076 - You mind turning that off? 227 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,884 It's been playing on a loop for two days. 228 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:41,616 - The whole neighborhood is offline. 229 00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,522 We only get the welcome channel. 230 00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:46,564 I would love to not watch tv, 231 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,590 but you canceled school. 232 00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:50,675 [gasps] 233 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,760 what have you done to me, you monster? 234 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,696 Look at all these dishes piling up. 235 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,571 I used to just throw them in the sink, 236 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,840 and they'd be magically cleaned by morning. 237 00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,539 - I did that. I cleaned the dishes. 238 00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:01,841 - Oh. 239 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:03,242 Then what's up with these bad boys? 240 00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:06,553 - You are unbelievable. 241 00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:07,927 - Are you still upset? 242 00:09:07,931 --> 00:09:09,311 You're not over it yet? - How can I be over it? 243 00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:12,116 We haven't discussed it or even spoken for days. 244 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:14,719 - Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice "vacation" 245 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,121 from your "full-time job." 246 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,763 get your story straight, bro! 247 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:18,858 [knocking] 248 00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,729 - hey, guys, it's michael. 249 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,095 - Hi, michael, what a lovely surprise. 250 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,967 - Oh, I'd love to make small talk--I've been practicing, too. 251 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:29,297 I'm amazing at it--but I'm in a bit of a rush here. 252 00:09:29,303 --> 00:09:31,103 This is bart and nina. 253 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:34,044 They live right next door to the, uh, sinkhole, 254 00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:36,611 so they obviously need a place to stay. 255 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,580 I was wondering, as my assistant, maybe you could 256 00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:39,879 put them up for a while? 257 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,210 - Oh, of course. 258 00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:42,284 Don't--don't think twice. 259 00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,722 - Okay, shouldn't take long. 260 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,677 Between an hour and, um... 261 00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:46,686 11 months. 262 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,887 Somewhere in there. Okay, bye. 263 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,723 Don't go outside. 264 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:53,856 [door closes] 265 00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:54,890 - ha... 266 00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:56,925 - [chuckles] 267 00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:02,273 - hello, everyone, and welcome to day three 268 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:05,089 of our brunch siege. 269 00:10:05,088 --> 00:10:07,908 I stayed up all night to plan a full day of fun activities. 270 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,108 Just check the schedule I made. 271 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,610 - Tahani, you are truly the best. 272 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:15,883 - Yes, you would think so, wouldn't you, henriette? 273 00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:18,777 [device chimes] 274 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,785 no second to last. 275 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,647 [sighs] 276 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:26,286 [indistinct chatter] 277 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,843 - tahani! 278 00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:31,395 This auction threatens to be an embarrassing failure. 279 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:34,028 - 5.2 million isn't bad. 280 00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,234 - It's very "middle-thermometer." 281 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:40,936 your public failure is our public failure. 282 00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:43,311 - You know what has to be done. 283 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,910 - I'm very pleased to announce that there has been 284 00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:48,912 an addition to today's docket. 285 00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:52,145 I'm sure you all know my sister, kamilah. 286 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,852 [cheers and applause] 287 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,815 yes. Kamilah. 288 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,993 Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever 289 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,032 to graduate from oxford university, 290 00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:04,958 she's a world-class painter, social activist, iconoclast, 291 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:08,425 olympic gold medalist for archery, 292 00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:11,235 a bafta award-winner for her documentary 293 00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,738 on her grammy award-winning album, 294 00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:17,910 and the person voted "most likely to be banksy." 295 00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:20,681 so without further ado, 296 00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:22,111 take it away from me! 297 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:24,915 Sorry, I mean take it away, kamilah. 298 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:28,318 [applause] 299 00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:30,721 - I am auctioning off a lunch date with me. 300 00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:32,974 [crowd exclaims] 301 00:11:32,975 --> 00:11:35,225 the bidding shall commence at £3 million. 302 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:36,728 [excited murmuring] 303 00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:38,360 - 5 million! 304 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:39,455 [crowd exclaims] 305 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,872 - thank you guys so much. 306 00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:50,884 Sorry for the imposition. - Oh, bah. 307 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,337 - Oh, well, if you want to know the truth, 308 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:54,145 we asked michael if we could stay with you. 309 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,377 We are obsessed with your relationship. 310 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,383 Always whispering, locking yourself in the house all day. 311 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:02,346 - I thought I was an expert in true love 'cause of my old job, 312 00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:04,915 but I have a lot to learn from you guys. 313 00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:06,455 - Your job? What was your job? 314 00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:08,740 - I was a marriage counselor. 315 00:12:08,745 --> 00:12:11,025 You could say I wrote the book on healthy relationships. 316 00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:12,201 And I did! 317 00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:13,729 [both laughing] 318 00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:16,204 it's called, "how to spot problems in a marriage 319 00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:17,873 from 100 miles away." 320 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,171 both: Oh, cool. 321 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,412 - Really cool. - Cool. 322 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,007 - Really, really cool. - Cool, cool. 323 00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:23,938 And what about you, bart? 324 00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,883 - Oh, well, my job wasn't nearly as interesting. 325 00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,279 I started a company that investigated identity theft. 326 00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,781 Analyzing body language, tracking and catching people 327 00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:32,224 pretending to be someone they're not. 328 00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:34,289 It's--pssh, snooze, am I right? 329 00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:36,417 [both chuckling] 330 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:37,793 - they're gonna catch us! 331 00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:40,091 This is an extremely precarious situation! 332 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,763 I am vexed, eleanor! 333 00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:43,962 - A marriage counselor and a human lie detector 334 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,134 isn't my first choice for company, either. 335 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:48,873 But they have no reason to suspect us! 336 00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:52,439 Plus, I think they may have actually just come here 337 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:55,939 to, you know, swing. 338 00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,282 I say we do it. 339 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,907 It'll get 'em to stop asking questions. 340 00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:01,352 - No, I am not going to have sex with someone 341 00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:03,378 to get them to stop talking to me! 342 00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,523 - Really? You and I are very different. 343 00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:06,989 - Yeah, I noticed! 344 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,187 - You know what, man? 345 00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,018 I have spent every second in this place 346 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:11,193 worried I was gonna get caught, 347 00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,891 but if we go down right now, 348 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,293 that's on you, okay? 349 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,264 Oh, you spend all your time teaching a 350 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:17,533 charming, awesome lady? 351 00:13:17,531 --> 00:13:20,131 How sad for you. Face it, dude. 352 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,933 I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. 353 00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,495 Because guess what, chidi? 354 00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:26,473 Ya basic! - Eleanor-- 355 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,513 - yeah, I know, you want to do that thing where we're 356 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,538 arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like, 357 00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:32,584 "whoa, this is hot," and we start making out. 358 00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:33,949 Dream on! 359 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,307 Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it. 360 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,975 - No, eleanor, look. 361 00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,893 - So how much of that did you hear? 362 00:13:45,892 --> 00:13:47,562 - We couldn't hear you, but I'm an expert in 363 00:13:47,561 --> 00:13:49,491 non-verbal communication, and it is clear-- 364 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,156 you are in conflict. 365 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,364 - We're not judging you. 366 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,295 This has been a tough couple of weeks. 367 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:57,041 I'm sure the stress of the sinkhole has caused 368 00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,567 lots of soul mate squabbles. 369 00:13:58,572 --> 00:14:00,872 - Yes, that's what it is. 370 00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:02,044 A squabble. 371 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,582 We're squabbling. - Squabble, squabble! 372 00:14:03,577 --> 00:14:05,857 - I can help. 373 00:14:05,862 --> 00:14:08,152 I'm gonna take your relationship and put it under a microscope 374 00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:11,278 and dig and poke and prod 375 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:14,194 until you are back to soul mate harmony. 376 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,597 Eleanor, why don't you-- 377 00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:19,015 - she never does the dishes. I have to do them all the time. 378 00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,155 - We just have different interests. 379 00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,931 I like relaxing, he likes getting on my case 380 00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,030 about the dishes. 381 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,931 - I'm getting a lot of repressed anger. 382 00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:29,333 I suspected this when I arrived, but now I'm sure. 383 00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:33,366 You are hiding something. - What on earth would I be-- 384 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,373 - no, no, no, not you. 385 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,335 Him. 386 00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:41,353 - Please go back inside. 387 00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:44,018 It isn't safe to be out of your home. 388 00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:45,477 Please go back inside. 389 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,445 Janet, could you see what's wrong? 390 00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,154 - Everything. 391 00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:50,955 - Ugh. 392 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:53,422 - My goodness! 393 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:54,626 It's even worse than I thought. 394 00:14:54,628 --> 00:14:56,158 - Tahani, what're you doing here? 395 00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:58,202 - Well, everyone else might be okay staying inside, 396 00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,628 but I wanted to help. 397 00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:02,233 So I've brought some cheer and sustenance 398 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,365 to raise your spirits. 399 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,200 Look, I made donut holes. 400 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,305 Do you get it? "donut holes"? 401 00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:08,967 Sinkhole. 402 00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:10,675 Funny, no? - No, too soon. 403 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,477 By exactly nine days. 404 00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:15,649 - Tahani, this sinkhole is incredibly dangerous. 405 00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:17,319 If a human gets too close to it, 406 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,347 there could be disastrous side effects. 407 00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:20,952 [shimmering tones] 408 00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,924 - what's--what's happening to me? 409 00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,363 - Oh, that's one of the side effects. 410 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,657 - Janet, knock her out while we still have time. 411 00:15:26,660 --> 00:15:28,230 - Knock me out? What does that-- 412 00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,528 - boop. 413 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:35,232 - Guys, really, it's no big deal. 414 00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:38,235 - "it's not a big deal" is nearly always code 415 00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,238 for "something is wrong." 416 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,170 - boom! That's what I said. 417 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:43,635 I should've been a marriage counselor. 418 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:45,713 - Okay, chidi, out with it. 419 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,952 What is so unsatisfying about your soul mate relationship? 420 00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:50,449 - Be honest, chidi. 421 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:55,050 Be, like, the exact right amount of honest 422 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:58,985 so that we can both be happy. 423 00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:02,392 - I never had a soul mate on earth. 424 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:05,125 I-I never even really had 425 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:08,301 a girlfriend that I "loved." 426 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,071 and when I got here, and michael said I would 427 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,500 finally meet my actual soul mate, 428 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:14,135 I was so excited. 429 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,980 And it isn't... 430 00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:20,177 Exactly...What I thought. 431 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:23,610 - You've never had an intense relationship before. 432 00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:26,216 This is all uncharted territory. 433 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:29,049 - No wonder you're so tense. 434 00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:33,355 You know, nina and I are skilled in the art of massage. 435 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,430 Uh, not erotic massage. 436 00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,628 Although, it can be, and it often leads there, anyway-- 437 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,600 - okay, well, you know what? 438 00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:42,129 You guys have given us so much to think about. 439 00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,165 And I think we should go to bed. 440 00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:45,499 Just the two of us, alone. Just us. 441 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,565 [whispers] I know it's not the right time, but I told you. 442 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,712 - Tahani, wake up, dear. 443 00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:54,081 - Michael. 444 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,580 Did it work? 445 00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:58,382 Did I fix the sinkhole? Am I a heroine? 446 00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:01,345 - No, you did something catastrophically stupid 447 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,054 and we had to knock you unconscious. 448 00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:05,456 Why in the world did you go outside? 449 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:08,528 - Because I saw the rankings in the manual. 450 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,028 - That manual is only meant to be seen by 451 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,461 architects and janets. 452 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,795 It's got some very sensitive material. 453 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:17,301 Plus some song lyrics I've been working on, 454 00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:19,243 and I'd rather not let people see those 455 00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,409 until they're finished. 456 00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:25,808 Anyway, why did seeing the rankings unravel you so? 457 00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:31,378 - I was so sorry to hear of your parents' passing. 458 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,654 Please bear with me as I share their last will and testament. 459 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:37,424 "to kamilah, we have left £68 million, 460 00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:40,164 "the home in kensington, the yacht, 461 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,560 and other assorted weekend boats." 462 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,732 - well, what did they leave their second favorite child? 463 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,532 - There's still quite a lot of, um, 464 00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,704 money and property that goes to you. 465 00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:52,072 There is one issue, however. 466 00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:55,442 They have, um, spelled your name incorrectly in the will. 467 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:58,082 - You've got to be kidding me. 468 00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,707 - It says, "we bequeath the rest of our estate to tahini." 469 00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:02,113 like the sauce. 470 00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,505 - You know what? 471 00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:04,816 I don't want the money. 472 00:18:04,818 --> 00:18:07,488 My sister can have it all. 473 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:10,857 My whole life, I have lived in your shadow, 474 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,257 but now I'm going to step out of it. 475 00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:16,689 I am going to achieve heights of success and sophistication 476 00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,226 that you can only dream of. 477 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,231 - Your cardigan's on inside out. 478 00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:21,673 - I know! 479 00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:24,568 It's a new trend that I am starting. 480 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,271 Just one example of how I'm going to 481 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:27,642 step out of your shadow. 482 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:31,005 [sighs] 483 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:33,140 oh, I'm sorry that I looked at the rankings, michael. 484 00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:36,206 But I just don't understand how I'm so low. 485 00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,876 My entire life, I have tried to be extraordinary, 486 00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,845 but it just never seemed to be enough. 487 00:18:40,854 --> 00:18:42,624 - Ah. 488 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,122 And you thought you could increase your ranking 489 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:48,355 by helping us fix the sinkhole. 490 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:52,901 Tahani, the point evaluations stop the moment you die. 491 00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:56,669 But also, out of literally billions, 492 00:18:56,669 --> 00:19:00,909 you were one of the most remarkable people on earth. 493 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:04,637 You have nothing left to prove, to anyone. 494 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,284 [chiming] - hi, there. 495 00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,749 The sinkhole has begun to repair itself. 496 00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,408 - [gasps] - it has? 497 00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:11,546 - Could it be-- - but how-- 498 00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,131 - did I...? 499 00:19:13,135 --> 00:19:14,715 "tahani saves the un--" - no, no, no. 500 00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,521 Still not you. You have nothing to do with it. 501 00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:17,863 We've got to leave immediately. 502 00:19:19,225 --> 00:19:22,255 It's now safe to go outside. 503 00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:24,662 It's now safe to go outside. 504 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:27,234 It's now safe to go outside. 505 00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:32,242 - Morning, teach! - Morning. 506 00:19:32,238 --> 00:19:33,838 What's this about? 507 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,610 - Well, here's what I realized. 508 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:38,208 It's not just that helping me is a full-time job 509 00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,481 that you feel you have to do. 510 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,210 The real problem is, that the more you help me, 511 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:45,616 the greater the chance is that I can stay here, 512 00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,718 and me staying here means 513 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,760 you'll never get a real soul mate. 514 00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:52,687 I'm basically a utilitarian nightmare. 515 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,032 - [laughs] 516 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,357 - every ounce of my happiness leads to a ton of pain for you. 517 00:19:57,363 --> 00:20:00,933 So every time the simple fact of my existence 518 00:20:00,934 --> 00:20:03,874 starts to bum you out, 519 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,540 I want you to hold this up. 520 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:07,639 - [laughs] 521 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,640 - at which point, I will leave you alone 522 00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:12,283 for as long as you need. 523 00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:16,508 I know we'll never be soul mates, but we're friends. 524 00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:19,816 Now get in this boat and read some boring french poetry. 525 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,603 - I--I've never actually done this before. 526 00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,429 This is a theoretical fantasy. 527 00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:36,304 How do you row a boat? 528 00:20:37,303 --> 00:20:38,503 - I'll tell ya, it's good as new. 529 00:20:38,504 --> 00:20:39,874 Go ahead, if you want, just--here. 530 00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:40,972 Whoo! See? 531 00:20:40,974 --> 00:20:42,374 You can jump up and down on it. 532 00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:44,635 - Hey, boss. So you fixed the sinkhole. 533 00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:46,944 - Yup, good as new. Crisis averted. 534 00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:48,446 Everybody have a wonderful day, 535 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,948 because I fixed the sinkhole. 536 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,450 I didn't fix the sinkhole. - Sorry? 537 00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:55,793 - I tried and I tried, but nothing worked. 538 00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:57,258 And then all of a sudden... 539 00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,287 This morning, out of the blue, it just--whoop! 540 00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:01,832 It just closed over. 541 00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:03,528 - Huh. 542 00:21:03,529 --> 00:21:05,399 How 'bout that? 543 00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:06,898 Well, as your assistant, 544 00:21:06,899 --> 00:21:09,329 I officially declare this good news. 545 00:21:09,335 --> 00:21:11,735 - No, this is terrible news! 546 00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:14,368 I have no idea what caused it, eleanor. 547 00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:16,644 And no idea what fixed it. 548 00:21:16,643 --> 00:21:19,783 I want you to come to my office first thing in the morning. 549 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:23,849 You and I are gonna find this problem. 40273

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