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1
00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:05,949
Oh... you're gonna regret that.
2
00:00:06,069 --> 00:00:07,236
Pigfoot was your favorite.
3
00:00:07,270 --> 00:00:08,537
He wasn't real, Burt.
4
00:00:08,571 --> 00:00:09,872
None of this stuff is real.
5
00:00:09,906 --> 00:00:12,007
Hey. We came
as fast as we could.
6
00:00:12,041 --> 00:00:15,010
Wait a minute, you're not
bleeding from your ear.
7
00:00:15,044 --> 00:00:16,912
Damn it. I was really excited
to either save your life
8
00:00:16,946 --> 00:00:18,380
or end it compassionately.
9
00:00:18,414 --> 00:00:20,782
I just said that
to get you over here.
10
00:00:20,817 --> 00:00:22,918
It's your mother--
I've never seen her like this.
11
00:00:25,345 --> 00:00:27,065
Oh, come on, Virginia, that's
your authentic
12
00:00:27,090 --> 00:00:28,290
Navajo dreamcatcher
13
00:00:28,324 --> 00:00:30,364
that we got at the Trail
of Tears Casino and Suites.
14
00:00:30,393 --> 00:00:32,861
I'm done with all this
make-believe stuff, Burt.
15
00:00:32,896 --> 00:00:34,296
How's a bunch of string
and feathers
16
00:00:34,297 --> 00:00:36,198
supposed to hold
thousands of dreams?
17
00:00:36,232 --> 00:00:38,734
And... who needs this telescope?
18
00:00:38,768 --> 00:00:40,402
There's no such thing as UFOs.
19
00:00:41,404 --> 00:00:42,938
Telescopes don't
just look at UFOs.
20
00:00:42,972 --> 00:00:44,932
They actually have a variety
of scientific uses...
21
00:00:44,941 --> 00:00:46,108
Oh, grow up.
22
00:00:46,142 --> 00:00:48,243
(crashing)
23
00:00:48,278 --> 00:00:49,411
What happened to you?
24
00:00:49,445 --> 00:00:50,646
BURT:
I'll tell you what happened.
25
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,281
That mermaidspecial on TV.
26
00:00:52,315 --> 00:00:54,950
I just saw a special
where actual scientists--
27
00:00:54,984 --> 00:00:56,985
Norwegian scientists--
28
00:00:57,020 --> 00:00:59,121
proved the existence
of mermaids.
29
00:00:59,155 --> 00:01:00,289
Do you know how many mermaids
30
00:01:00,323 --> 00:01:02,391
get caught in fishing nets
every year?
31
00:01:02,425 --> 00:01:03,926
None...
32
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,229
because mermaids, like actual
cans of dolphin-safe tuna...
33
00:01:07,263 --> 00:01:09,064
don't really exist.
34
00:01:09,098 --> 00:01:11,199
You're a mermaid
holocaust denier.
35
00:01:14,470 --> 00:01:16,939
Attention Howdy's shoppers.
36
00:01:16,973 --> 00:01:21,643
This store is selling mermaid
contaminated tuna fish.
37
00:01:21,678 --> 00:01:23,645
(screams)
38
00:01:24,981 --> 00:01:27,149
That show was a total
hoax, Virginia.
39
00:01:28,818 --> 00:01:29,918
But it was on that channel
40
00:01:29,953 --> 00:01:31,453
where you're supposed to
learn stuff.
41
00:01:31,487 --> 00:01:34,156
Plus, the narrator was British.
42
00:01:34,190 --> 00:01:36,825
Look at this. Ah!
43
00:01:36,859 --> 00:01:39,995
Jude Law and the network
apologized...
44
00:01:40,029 --> 00:01:41,630
saying, "We never
would've aired the film
45
00:01:41,631 --> 00:01:43,799
if we thought there were people
stupid enough to fall for it."
46
00:01:43,833 --> 00:01:45,467
Mm-mm.
47
00:01:45,501 --> 00:01:47,169
I've been burned too many times.
48
00:01:47,203 --> 00:01:49,271
I'm done believing
in anything magical:
49
00:01:49,305 --> 00:01:52,941
dreamcatchers, ghosts,
angels, Criss Angel.
50
00:01:52,976 --> 00:01:55,344
And definitely not Pigfoots.
51
00:01:56,746 --> 00:01:58,680
BURT:
Oh...
52
00:01:58,715 --> 00:02:00,449
Don't go throwin' ghosts
into all the nutty crap
53
00:02:00,483 --> 00:02:01,717
you used to believe in.
54
00:02:01,751 --> 00:02:02,818
Ghosts are real.
55
00:02:02,852 --> 00:02:05,620
I've got one
living in my closet.
56
00:02:05,655 --> 00:02:07,356
You people can believe
whatever you want.
57
00:02:07,390 --> 00:02:08,357
I'm done.
58
00:02:09,859 --> 00:02:12,160
Apparently she's also
stopped believing
59
00:02:12,195 --> 00:02:13,662
in cleaning up her own messes.
60
00:02:19,447 --> 00:02:24,926
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
61
00:02:25,274 --> 00:02:26,675
(sighs)
62
00:02:26,709 --> 00:02:27,876
What are you doing?
63
00:02:27,910 --> 00:02:30,012
Huh? Nothing.
64
00:02:30,046 --> 00:02:31,413
You're not trying to put
that stupid pigurine
65
00:02:31,447 --> 00:02:32,681
back together, are you?
66
00:02:32,715 --> 00:02:34,916
Well, I was hoping when
you cooled off,
67
00:02:34,951 --> 00:02:36,585
you might want it again.
68
00:02:36,619 --> 00:02:38,553
I tried to buy you one,
but it turns out they're not
69
00:02:38,588 --> 00:02:40,068
selling them anymore
'cause apparently
70
00:02:40,089 --> 00:02:42,057
they're made out of
(coughing) asbestos.
71
00:02:42,091 --> 00:02:44,192
I tried to fix it,
but it's impossible.
72
00:02:44,227 --> 00:02:46,895
Now I see why God never actually
made a pig Sasquatch--
73
00:02:46,929 --> 00:02:49,164
it's-it's very time-consuming.
74
00:02:49,198 --> 00:02:50,899
Don't bother trying to fix it.
75
00:02:50,933 --> 00:02:53,535
Pigurines are a ceramic lie.
76
00:02:53,569 --> 00:02:55,704
Pigs can't have careers.
77
00:02:55,738 --> 00:02:57,839
The truth is, they're just
bacon and footballs.
78
00:02:57,874 --> 00:02:59,041
End of story.
79
00:02:59,075 --> 00:03:01,343
I miss the woman who believed
pigs could be policeman
80
00:03:01,377 --> 00:03:03,578
or lawyers or pork-tologists.
81
00:03:03,613 --> 00:03:06,114
Well, she's gone.
(sighs)
82
00:03:06,149 --> 00:03:09,017
I used to think there was more
to life than being a maid...
83
00:03:09,052 --> 00:03:10,719
I was wrong.
84
00:03:10,753 --> 00:03:12,554
You scrub toilets
and then you die.
85
00:03:12,588 --> 00:03:14,790
Oh, come on, Virginia,
you're not just a maid anymore.
86
00:03:14,824 --> 00:03:16,691
(sighs)
You're a crew chief now.
87
00:03:16,726 --> 00:03:19,428
It's not just scrubbing toilets,
you do paperwork, too.
88
00:03:21,564 --> 00:03:24,266
My closet ghost
is getting feisty.
89
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,534
He threw a lamp.
90
00:03:25,568 --> 00:03:27,069
(gasping): I can't,
I can't sleep in there.
91
00:03:27,103 --> 00:03:28,737
Maw Maw, there's no
such thing as ghosts.
92
00:03:28,771 --> 00:03:30,372
You probably just
knocked it over yourself.
93
00:03:30,406 --> 00:03:32,140
Did not.
94
00:03:32,175 --> 00:03:33,442
Dibs on the middle.
95
00:03:33,476 --> 00:03:34,910
Let's make a Maw Maw sandwich.
96
00:03:34,944 --> 00:03:36,912
No, Maw Maw. Just go
on back to your room.
97
00:03:36,946 --> 00:03:38,747
Will you take me?
I'm scared.
98
00:03:38,781 --> 00:03:40,982
Fine!
(groans)
99
00:03:41,017 --> 00:03:43,085
Sucker.
What? (sighs)
100
00:03:45,354 --> 00:03:46,922
If I start to scream...
101
00:03:46,956 --> 00:03:50,926
just slap me and tell
me the war's over.
102
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,894
This is ridiculous.
103
00:03:52,929 --> 00:03:55,831
I'm going to prove to you that
there's no such thing as ghosts.
104
00:03:55,865 --> 00:03:57,099
(snoring)
105
00:03:57,133 --> 00:03:59,601
Okay, so...
106
00:03:59,635 --> 00:04:02,170
the windows in there
are boarded up.
107
00:04:02,205 --> 00:04:05,474
This door is locked.
108
00:04:05,508 --> 00:04:08,176
And I'm putting powder down.
109
00:04:08,211 --> 00:04:11,413
So if anyone tries to go
in or out...
110
00:04:11,447 --> 00:04:12,948
there'll be footprints.
111
00:04:12,982 --> 00:04:16,685
So I challenge your ghost
to prove that it's here.
112
00:04:18,121 --> 00:04:20,755
But my guess is, that in the
morning when we wake up,
113
00:04:20,790 --> 00:04:23,225
everything's gonna be
exactly how I left it.
114
00:04:25,995 --> 00:04:28,096
(door closes)
115
00:04:28,131 --> 00:04:30,132
(birds chirping)
116
00:04:33,035 --> 00:04:34,302
There you go. See?
117
00:04:34,337 --> 00:04:36,338
Nothing's changed.
118
00:04:36,372 --> 00:04:37,873
Now you'll know how I felt
119
00:04:37,907 --> 00:04:40,308
when I was
dumb enough to believe.
120
00:04:40,343 --> 00:04:41,810
Who are you?
121
00:04:41,844 --> 00:04:44,613
Is this cocaine
on the floor up for grabs?
122
00:04:44,647 --> 00:04:47,682
Prepare to feel like
an idiot, Maw Maw.
123
00:04:51,001 --> 00:04:54,075
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
124
00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,127
Oh, my God.
125
00:04:59,162 --> 00:05:00,462
We have a ghost.
126
00:05:00,496 --> 00:05:01,796
(rattling)
127
00:05:01,831 --> 00:05:04,065
It's making Maw Maw's
nightstand vibrate.
128
00:05:05,334 --> 00:05:07,702
(switch clicks, rattling stops)
129
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:20,193
I'm sorry I ever doubted
you, dreamcatcher.
130
00:05:20,308 --> 00:05:22,576
I hope you catch dreams
as well as you caught fire.
131
00:05:22,611 --> 00:05:23,711
Speaking of fire...
132
00:05:23,745 --> 00:05:25,579
let's burn this house
before we're slaughtered
133
00:05:25,614 --> 00:05:27,148
in the night
by this angry poltergeist.
134
00:05:27,182 --> 00:05:29,216
Burt, it's obviously
a nice ghost.
135
00:05:29,251 --> 00:05:30,718
He made a smiley face.
136
00:05:30,752 --> 00:05:33,154
I've seen all five
Paranormal Activity movies.
137
00:05:33,188 --> 00:05:35,389
I promise you,
this does not end well for us.
138
00:05:35,424 --> 00:05:37,104
Did you say you wanted me
to believe again?
139
00:05:37,125 --> 00:05:38,793
Well now... I believe.
140
00:05:38,827 --> 00:05:39,927
Well, there's a big difference
141
00:05:39,961 --> 00:05:41,996
between mermaids and
angry vengeful phantoms.
142
00:05:42,030 --> 00:05:45,299
I feel like I could
take a mermaid... on land.
143
00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:47,535
In a bathtub,
it'd be anybody's game.
144
00:05:51,139 --> 00:05:52,740
Maw Maw,
145
00:05:52,774 --> 00:05:54,341
were you in the laundry room?
146
00:05:54,376 --> 00:05:55,810
I don't go in there;
147
00:05:55,844 --> 00:05:57,578
that TV only gets
the clothes channel.
148
00:05:57,612 --> 00:06:00,181
Burt, did you do the laundry?
149
00:06:00,215 --> 00:06:02,950
Not since the great
acid-wash disaster of '91.
150
00:06:02,984 --> 00:06:04,819
We got jeans...
(grunts)
151
00:06:04,853 --> 00:06:06,120
and we got acid.
152
00:06:06,154 --> 00:06:08,489
How hard can it be?
153
00:06:08,523 --> 00:06:10,257
(rattling)
154
00:06:10,292 --> 00:06:11,759
(loud bang)
155
00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:13,160
(rattling)
156
00:06:18,633 --> 00:06:19,800
Well, he's thorough.
157
00:06:19,835 --> 00:06:22,603
He even cleaned out
the pube catcher.
158
00:06:22,637 --> 00:06:24,038
You're winning me over, ghost!
159
00:06:24,072 --> 00:06:26,207
Whoever you are!
160
00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:27,775
We brought a bag of ice!
161
00:06:27,809 --> 00:06:29,310
Where's the thumb?!
Where's Burt's thumb?
162
00:06:29,344 --> 00:06:31,145
Good job getting here so fast.
163
00:06:31,179 --> 00:06:33,681
So... dad didn't
cut off his thumb
164
00:06:33,715 --> 00:06:35,316
testing out his new
mouse guillotine?
165
00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:37,284
No. We just wanted you
to get here as fast as possible
166
00:06:37,319 --> 00:06:38,652
before we made contact.
167
00:06:39,688 --> 00:06:40,988
What do you mean, "contact"?
168
00:06:41,022 --> 00:06:42,323
We have a ghost.
169
00:06:42,994 --> 00:06:44,634
We have a laundry-folding,
chair-stacking,
170
00:06:44,659 --> 00:06:46,060
lipstick-writing,
possibly friendly,
171
00:06:46,094 --> 00:06:47,862
possibly
Mr. Belvedere phantasm.
172
00:06:47,896 --> 00:06:50,798
And we hired a professional
to help us communicate with it.
173
00:06:50,832 --> 00:06:52,393
Well, this should be
as interesting as a
174
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,168
still twitching thumb
in a bucket of ice.
175
00:06:54,202 --> 00:06:55,336
Hey, Chances.
176
00:06:55,370 --> 00:06:56,504
You guys order a medium?
177
00:06:56,538 --> 00:06:57,671
Not a medium pizza.
178
00:06:57,706 --> 00:06:59,707
A medium to help us
talk to our ghost.
179
00:07:00,909 --> 00:07:02,042
Your card says you do that.
180
00:07:02,077 --> 00:07:03,644
That's an old business card.
181
00:07:03,678 --> 00:07:05,579
I also no longer do
videotape rentals
182
00:07:05,614 --> 00:07:07,348
or teach the Macarena.
183
00:07:07,382 --> 00:07:10,985
But I have branched out into
writing people's names
184
00:07:11,019 --> 00:07:12,353
on grains of rice.
185
00:07:12,387 --> 00:07:13,954
Here's my new business card.
186
00:07:15,557 --> 00:07:18,225
But I don't open the portal
into the spirit world anymore.
187
00:07:18,260 --> 00:07:19,994
It's too dangerous.
188
00:07:20,028 --> 00:07:21,695
Why? Possessions?
189
00:07:21,730 --> 00:07:22,897
Poltergeists? Demons?
190
00:07:22,931 --> 00:07:25,566
No, worse.
My dead grandma.
191
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,069
She was annoying
when she was alive...
192
00:07:29,104 --> 00:07:31,839
she's downright unbearable
as a spectral being.
193
00:07:31,873 --> 00:07:33,507
Please, Tyler,
we don't need much.
194
00:07:33,542 --> 00:07:35,109
We just want to know who
he is and what he wants.
195
00:07:35,143 --> 00:07:37,044
And I have so many
questions about Heaven.
196
00:07:37,078 --> 00:07:38,879
Like, how do they keep birds
from sneaking in there?
197
00:07:38,914 --> 00:07:40,714
If you guys are willing
to compensate me
198
00:07:40,749 --> 00:07:44,485
for three pizzas and
two cheesy breads... I'm in.
199
00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:47,555
So, that's gonna be...
200
00:07:47,589 --> 00:07:48,689
four bucks each.
201
00:07:48,723 --> 00:07:50,724
Did you drag us here
just to pay for pizza?
202
00:07:50,759 --> 00:07:53,260
No. We invited you here
to join us on our journey
203
00:07:53,295 --> 00:07:54,929
to the other side.
204
00:07:54,963 --> 00:07:57,244
By the way, tickets to the
other side are four bucks each.
205
00:07:58,099 --> 00:07:59,934
But it comes with
complimentary cheesy bread.
206
00:07:59,968 --> 00:08:02,236
(groans) I'm not sure
it was such a great idea
207
00:08:02,270 --> 00:08:05,205
to eat all this greasy pizza
before we hold hands.
208
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:06,407
I don't know,
just wipe it on your shirt.
209
00:08:06,441 --> 00:08:07,875
That's what I do.
210
00:08:07,909 --> 00:08:09,743
Yep. Everyone can see that.
211
00:08:09,778 --> 00:08:12,112
And everyone can also see
where you caressed by boob.
212
00:08:13,081 --> 00:08:16,083
Shh, shh.
The portal's opening.
213
00:08:16,117 --> 00:08:18,886
I'm feeling the presence
of a spirit.
214
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,323
Go ahead, ask him
whatever you want.
215
00:08:22,357 --> 00:08:25,426
Uh... I have a question
for the big guy.
216
00:08:25,460 --> 00:08:28,295
Hammerhead sharks,
duckbill platypuses--
217
00:08:28,330 --> 00:08:30,864
were you just throwing leftover
parts together at that point?
218
00:08:32,467 --> 00:08:34,101
Let me try.
219
00:08:34,135 --> 00:08:37,605
Hello... Mr. Spirit.
220
00:08:37,639 --> 00:08:40,107
Hello.
221
00:08:40,141 --> 00:08:41,809
I'm Virginia Chance.
222
00:08:41,843 --> 00:08:43,611
I live here.
223
00:08:43,645 --> 00:08:47,147
You already know that
from folding my underwear.
224
00:08:47,182 --> 00:08:50,451
Which, uh, thank you for that,
by the way.
225
00:08:50,485 --> 00:08:52,453
Are you always that friendly?
226
00:08:52,487 --> 00:08:55,322
I sense he is benevolent...
227
00:08:55,357 --> 00:08:57,591
and means you no harm.
228
00:08:57,626 --> 00:08:59,193
Who is he?
Where does he come from?
229
00:08:59,227 --> 00:09:01,862
(Virginia gasps)
(bones cracking)
230
00:09:01,896 --> 00:09:04,698
(falsetto):
Tyler...
231
00:09:04,733 --> 00:09:07,468
how many times I gotta tell you?
232
00:09:07,502 --> 00:09:09,136
Get a haircut.
233
00:09:09,170 --> 00:09:10,638
(whispering):
God, I think it's his grandma.
234
00:09:10,672 --> 00:09:13,340
Who you calling grandma,
Grandma?
235
00:09:13,375 --> 00:09:16,210
I remember from those
six Martin Lawrence movies,
236
00:09:16,244 --> 00:09:19,647
this is exactly what an old
black grandma sounds like.
237
00:09:19,681 --> 00:09:24,818
Tyler, I told you, quit hanging
around these crazy honkeys.
238
00:09:24,853 --> 00:09:27,788
(bones cracking, grunts)
239
00:09:27,822 --> 00:09:29,490
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
240
00:09:29,524 --> 00:09:31,492
Did she say anything bad?
241
00:09:31,526 --> 00:09:32,826
She's a bit of a racist.
242
00:09:32,861 --> 00:09:34,561
So, you definitely
felt our ghost?
243
00:09:34,596 --> 00:09:36,830
He was a good spirit, right?
244
00:09:36,865 --> 00:09:38,165
I mean, I'm sure you get this
all the time but
245
00:09:38,199 --> 00:09:40,534
when I go to Heaven will I be
anatomically correct?
246
00:09:40,568 --> 00:09:41,902
'Cause the angel I put on
the Christmas tree's
247
00:09:41,936 --> 00:09:43,504
got nothing going on
under his robe.
248
00:09:43,538 --> 00:09:47,141
No, it's not the Holy Ghost,
it's just a ghost.
249
00:09:47,175 --> 00:09:48,308
Oh...
Sorry, Burt.
250
00:09:48,343 --> 00:09:50,744
Now I gotta go home and
clear the history on my browser.
251
00:09:50,779 --> 00:09:52,746
Grandma will not be happy
if she finds out
252
00:09:52,781 --> 00:09:55,949
- I was looking at white women
on the computer. - Mm.
253
00:09:59,554 --> 00:10:01,522
(crickets chirping)
254
00:10:05,393 --> 00:10:07,928
(yawns)
255
00:10:09,597 --> 00:10:11,699
(sniffs)
256
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:32,490
Oh, hey, Burt.
257
00:10:32,610 --> 00:10:33,888
You're out of fabric softener.
258
00:10:34,222 --> 00:10:35,823
Ow!
259
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,341
What the hell, Burt?
260
00:10:43,461 --> 00:10:44,619
You didn't have to hit me.
261
00:10:44,787 --> 00:10:45,987
Of course I had to hit you.
262
00:10:46,022 --> 00:10:47,455
You're a creepy stranger
in my house at night.
263
00:10:47,490 --> 00:10:49,557
You meet all the qualifications
of someone I should hit.
264
00:10:49,592 --> 00:10:50,926
What do you mean?
I'm not a stranger.
265
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,440
I'm the guy
who watches your sex tape.
266
00:10:52,461 --> 00:10:54,930
(yells) Hey! No-No-No.
I mean, I mean,
267
00:10:54,964 --> 00:10:57,432
my wife and I,
we found your sex tape.
268
00:10:57,466 --> 00:10:59,067
Don't you remember?
269
00:10:59,101 --> 00:11:01,937
You hid it in an old clown doll
which we ended up finding.
270
00:11:01,971 --> 00:11:05,073
My wife and I watched that tape
over and over again.
271
00:11:05,107 --> 00:11:07,275
Not for the sex, but because
seeing how you two related
272
00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:10,612
to each other really
helped out our marriage.
273
00:11:10,646 --> 00:11:12,347
Oh, yeah, I remember.
274
00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:13,682
So what the hell
are you doing in my house?
275
00:11:13,716 --> 00:11:15,250
Well, my wife and I
had an argument
276
00:11:15,284 --> 00:11:16,618
and I went a little
overboard and left.
277
00:11:16,652 --> 00:11:18,119
So I came to ask for your advice
278
00:11:18,154 --> 00:11:19,921
and... uh...
the door was unlocked.
279
00:11:19,956 --> 00:11:22,023
You weren't home,
I had to go to the bathroom.
280
00:11:22,058 --> 00:11:24,025
So I opened the wrong door,
found a closet,
281
00:11:24,060 --> 00:11:26,027
saw a hatch in the floor,
discovered a bomb shelter.
282
00:11:26,062 --> 00:11:27,395
It's pretty self-explanatory.
283
00:11:28,998 --> 00:11:30,131
We got a bomb shelter?
284
00:11:30,166 --> 00:11:33,601
(grunts, groans)
285
00:11:33,636 --> 00:11:35,804
No wonder we never
knew this existed.
286
00:11:35,838 --> 00:11:37,372
This is really small.
287
00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:38,673
I don't think Paw Paw
was planning
288
00:11:38,708 --> 00:11:40,108
to save the whole family.
(laughs)
289
00:11:40,142 --> 00:11:41,343
VIRGINIA (over vent):
Burt!
290
00:11:41,377 --> 00:11:43,511
Yeah, been down here
a couple weeks now.
291
00:11:43,546 --> 00:11:45,447
I can overhear everything
through this vent.
292
00:11:45,481 --> 00:11:47,983
VIRGINIA: Could you bring me a
glass of water, honey? Hmm, see?
293
00:11:48,017 --> 00:11:50,352
You guys are always
so sweet to each other.
294
00:11:50,386 --> 00:11:51,453
(scoffs) My wife and I,
295
00:11:51,487 --> 00:11:53,054
we don't communicate like that.
296
00:11:53,089 --> 00:11:54,456
That's why I stayed.
297
00:11:54,490 --> 00:11:56,691
I'm learning valuable stuff
from you guys.
298
00:11:56,726 --> 00:11:59,127
Like how to wash
my wife's underwear?
299
00:11:59,161 --> 00:12:00,495
Well, I felt like
I owed you guys,
300
00:12:00,529 --> 00:12:02,797
so I started doing stuff
around the house.
301
00:12:02,832 --> 00:12:05,367
Look, I will say the way you
starched my Foghat T-shirt
302
00:12:05,401 --> 00:12:07,202
is... otherworldly.
303
00:12:07,236 --> 00:12:08,803
But you can't just be
spying on us,
304
00:12:08,838 --> 00:12:10,305
and pretending to be a ghost.
305
00:12:10,339 --> 00:12:13,408
That wasn't my plan at first.
306
00:12:13,442 --> 00:12:16,911
Then I overheard
Virginia talking about
307
00:12:16,946 --> 00:12:19,047
losing her sense of wonder
and I wanted to help.
308
00:12:19,081 --> 00:12:20,348
That's why I stacked
the furniture.
309
00:12:20,383 --> 00:12:23,518
This is terrible.
310
00:12:23,552 --> 00:12:24,886
Virginia loves having a ghost.
311
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,154
If she finds out
all this is just you,
312
00:12:26,188 --> 00:12:27,689
she's going to be devastated.
313
00:12:27,723 --> 00:12:30,692
I'm sorry, Burt.
Once again, I go overboard,
314
00:12:30,726 --> 00:12:33,194
I create more problems
than I solve.
315
00:12:33,229 --> 00:12:34,329
Christy is right.
316
00:12:34,363 --> 00:12:36,398
Every time I find myself
317
00:12:36,432 --> 00:12:38,867
in a good situation,
I make it bad.
318
00:12:40,970 --> 00:12:42,337
That's it.
319
00:12:42,371 --> 00:12:44,072
What if we scare her?
320
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:46,917
The only reason Virginia
likes you is 'cause
321
00:12:46,942 --> 00:12:48,043
she thinks you're
a friendly ghost.
322
00:12:48,077 --> 00:12:50,211
But what if
you were a bad ghost?
323
00:12:50,246 --> 00:12:51,546
Then she'd be happy you left,
324
00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:53,281
and she'd still
believe in magical stuff.
325
00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:54,949
Sure, I guess it's worth a try.
326
00:12:54,984 --> 00:12:56,918
Hey, you know what?
I could scare her in the shower.
327
00:12:56,952 --> 00:12:58,386
That's what they
always do in horror movies.
328
00:12:58,421 --> 00:12:59,954
I...
329
00:12:59,989 --> 00:13:02,390
think anything in the bathroom
crosses a line.
330
00:13:02,425 --> 00:13:04,192
Hey, Burt...
331
00:13:04,226 --> 00:13:06,895
I've watched your
sex tape thousands of times;
332
00:13:06,929 --> 00:13:08,430
nothin' I ain't seen before.
333
00:13:09,832 --> 00:13:11,533
(woman screaming on TV)
334
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:12,834
(man growls)
335
00:13:14,670 --> 00:13:16,738
That's like in that movie,
Poltergeist.
336
00:13:16,772 --> 00:13:18,807
(clanging)
337
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,608
Creepy...
338
00:13:23,612 --> 00:13:25,747
(woman laughing shrilly)
339
00:13:25,781 --> 00:13:27,582
(music box plays gentle melody)
340
00:13:27,616 --> 00:13:29,951
(whispering): Burt, Burt,
do you hear that?
341
00:13:29,985 --> 00:13:31,419
Where do you think
it's coming from?
342
00:13:31,454 --> 00:13:32,921
(shrill laughter continues)
343
00:13:32,955 --> 00:13:34,255
It's probably just the wind.
344
00:13:35,624 --> 00:13:37,625
(shrill laughter continues)
345
00:13:39,295 --> 00:13:41,696
(gentle melody plays)
(shrill laughter)
346
00:13:43,966 --> 00:13:45,934
Or it's the restless souls
347
00:13:45,968 --> 00:13:48,570
of the Native American children
buried beneath the house.
348
00:13:48,604 --> 00:13:49,771
(gasps)
349
00:13:49,805 --> 00:13:51,773
(laughing, burps)
350
00:13:51,807 --> 00:13:55,310
Oh, there's nothing scarier
than the burp of a dead child.
351
00:14:04,286 --> 00:14:06,287
(screaming)
352
00:14:09,458 --> 00:14:10,758
(laughing)
353
00:14:10,793 --> 00:14:13,128
(screaming)
354
00:14:13,162 --> 00:14:15,263
Oh, God.
Move it. Oh.
355
00:14:15,297 --> 00:14:17,699
(Maw Maw continues indistinctly)
356
00:14:20,302 --> 00:14:22,537
(musicox plays gentle melody)
357
00:14:25,307 --> 00:14:26,674
I'm scared. Aren't you scared?
358
00:14:26,709 --> 00:14:28,143
This is scary.
359
00:14:28,177 --> 00:14:29,911
I know. I don't care what
360
00:14:29,945 --> 00:14:31,446
Tyler thinks
about his grandma...
361
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,281
we're having an exorcism.
362
00:14:33,315 --> 00:14:34,682
(screaming)
363
00:14:45,060 --> 00:14:47,495
Oh, demented spirits
of the laundry,
364
00:14:47,530 --> 00:14:50,165
please forgive us for
unstacking your furniture.
365
00:14:50,199 --> 00:14:53,668
We needed a place to sit and
the armoire seemed precarious.
366
00:14:53,702 --> 00:14:55,103
(sporadic banging)
367
00:14:58,908 --> 00:15:00,208
He hears you.
368
00:15:00,242 --> 00:15:01,342
(gasps) It's working.
369
00:15:01,377 --> 00:15:02,677
Do you smell that?
(sniffs)
370
00:15:02,711 --> 00:15:04,045
(sniffs, snorts)
371
00:15:04,079 --> 00:15:05,046
The spirit is close.
372
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,147
(sniffs, groans)
373
00:15:06,182 --> 00:15:07,682
The spirit could use a shower.
374
00:15:07,716 --> 00:15:09,918
(groans, blows)
375
00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:12,387
(trembling): Man... I can't
believe this is working.
376
00:15:12,421 --> 00:15:13,688
I'm gonna be honest with you,
377
00:15:13,722 --> 00:15:15,657
I'm a little freaked out.
(gasps)
378
00:15:15,691 --> 00:15:17,559
(whispering): It's never
gone this well before.
379
00:15:17,593 --> 00:15:18,893
Tell him to leave.
Tell him to leave!
380
00:15:18,928 --> 00:15:20,128
Uh... leave!
381
00:15:21,397 --> 00:15:22,997
Ow! Damn it.
382
00:15:23,032 --> 00:15:24,032
(birds cawing)
383
00:15:24,066 --> 00:15:26,634
"Ow"? What kind
of a ghost says, "Ow"?
384
00:15:27,703 --> 00:15:30,004
Hey didn't say, "Ow."
He said, uh...
385
00:15:30,039 --> 00:15:33,908
"Out. I want to get out."
386
00:15:33,943 --> 00:15:37,078
Burt, are you okay?
(groaning)
387
00:15:37,112 --> 00:15:39,347
He-He's not Burt anymore.
388
00:15:39,381 --> 00:15:40,415
I think the ghost has
taken possession of him.
389
00:15:40,449 --> 00:15:41,616
(gasps)
Yeah-Yeah-Yeah.
390
00:15:41,650 --> 00:15:43,251
That's exactly what's happened.
391
00:15:43,285 --> 00:15:44,452
I am the ghost...
392
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:47,422
and I am very, very real.
393
00:15:47,456 --> 00:15:50,458
(groaning)
(screaming)
394
00:15:51,727 --> 00:15:54,095
Way to go, Burt, put on a show.
395
00:15:54,129 --> 00:15:55,663
(groaning, gurgling)
396
00:15:57,266 --> 00:15:59,801
Do something! Do something!
(yells)
397
00:15:59,835 --> 00:16:02,103
Do you want your name
on a piece of rice?
398
00:16:02,137 --> 00:16:03,271
Get out...!
399
00:16:03,305 --> 00:16:05,073
Well, I'm out of ideas.
Better go.
400
00:16:05,107 --> 00:16:06,441
No! Don't go!
401
00:16:06,475 --> 00:16:09,210
Damn it, ghost,
give me back my husband!
402
00:16:09,245 --> 00:16:10,578
Okay...!
403
00:16:10,613 --> 00:16:13,014
(clangs)
404
00:16:14,483 --> 00:16:16,784
(sighs)
405
00:16:19,488 --> 00:16:20,955
Is that it?
Did the ghost leave?
406
00:16:20,990 --> 00:16:23,191
I think so.
(gasps)
407
00:16:29,465 --> 00:16:31,866
(sighs)
408
00:16:36,272 --> 00:16:39,173
I think I can hear
the spirit rushing out.
409
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:46,447
Oh, yeah, now
I can hear it, too.
410
00:16:46,482 --> 00:16:49,117
Quick question: Where's
the water main shut off valve?
411
00:16:49,151 --> 00:16:51,786
Oh, my God!
412
00:16:51,820 --> 00:16:54,789
What is Jim the sex tape guy
doing in our house?!
413
00:16:55,991 --> 00:16:57,725
(eerie moaning)
414
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,901
I shut the water off.
415
00:17:06,935 --> 00:17:08,426
Problem solved.
416
00:17:08,546 --> 00:17:10,187
What a crazy adventure, huh?
417
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:12,464
So... who wants
to watch RoboCop?
418
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:16,101
I can't believe you lied
to me about pervy Jim!
419
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:18,603
I'm sorry. It's just when
you broke your one-of-a-kind
420
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:20,438
Sasquatch pigurine
it broke my heart.
421
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,474
And I hated that you
stopped believing in stuff.
422
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:24,309
And I don't want Hope
to grow up in a world where
423
00:17:24,343 --> 00:17:27,145
she's told it's wrong to still
believe in UFOs and fairies
424
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,613
and Siamese twins.
425
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:30,515
JIM:
This is beautiful,
426
00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:32,350
the fact that you have a husband
who cares enough about you
427
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,519
to go out of his way
to make you believe in things.
428
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,354
That's the real magic.
429
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,490
Exactly.
I'm the real magic.
430
00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:42,460
I guess it was kind of sweet
of you in your own messed up,
431
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,829
twisted, misguided, warped...
432
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,498
Yes, yes, I love you, too.
433
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,401
Oh!
434
00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:52,037
(groans) This is what Christy
and I need in our relationship.
435
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,239
(groans) You know, a real, true,
understanding of one another
436
00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:56,741
and a willingness...
to forgive.
437
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,543
Hey, you know what? Hey...
438
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:01,813
would you maybe be willing
to go to talk to her for me?
439
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:03,348
I... don't know.
440
00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,350
But she respects your
relationship so much.
441
00:18:05,384 --> 00:18:07,252
We really wouldn't
know what to say.
442
00:18:07,286 --> 00:18:08,353
Yeah, you're right,
I should go.
443
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:10,088
There's a load of delicates
in the wash
444
00:18:10,122 --> 00:18:11,723
and there's a...
cake in the oven
445
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:14,225
that should be taken out
in about 20 minutes.
446
00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,395
It's in the shape of a heart.
447
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,496
I'll get my coat.
448
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:19,564
I'll get my keys.
449
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,202
So, you're just a strange man
450
00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:25,737
sneaking around
my bedroom at night?
451
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,940
Well, I guess I'm going to bed.
(laughs)
452
00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:31,242
By myself. No risk of pregnancy.
453
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,879
I'll never remember.
454
00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:36,448
You'll never forget.
455
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,389
(dog barking in distance)
456
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:52,530
Hey, uh...
I'm just gonna wait in the car.
457
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:54,065
You know, if she sees me
she'll probably freak out.
458
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:57,302
So, will you just tell her
I really love her...
459
00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:59,871
and I'm really, really sorry
for going overboard.
460
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:01,106
Got it.
461
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,608
(sighs)
462
00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:06,745
You know, for someone who
handled all our underwear,
463
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:07,912
secretly lived in our house
464
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,781
and obsessively watched
our sex tape,
465
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,483
he's actually a sweet guy.
466
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:12,951
But we're on the same page?
467
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,719
If he comes to our house again
we're calling the cops.
468
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:15,987
Oh, definitely.
(laughs)
469
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:17,822
(knocking)
470
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:18,990
Oh, my God.
471
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:20,125
Burt and Virginia,
472
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,459
what are you guys doing here?
473
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,228
Well, we spoke to Jim
474
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:24,462
and there's something
we want to tell you.
475
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,631
(stutters) Is this some
kind of a sick joke?
476
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:29,734
I know you guys haven't
been together for a while.
477
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,303
Yeah, because he died
two months ago.
478
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,472
What?
479
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,308
We were on a
booze cruise to Cabo
480
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,078
and he was drinking
Rum Runners by the gallon,
481
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,880
and he fell overboard.
482
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,617
(whispering):
Overboard.
483
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:47,652
Overboard.
Overboard. Overboard.
484
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,487
Overboard.
For going overboard.
485
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:52,490
Overboard. Overboard.
Overboard. Overboard.
486
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,159
Overboard. Overboard.
487
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,596
So... what message
could you possibly have?
488
00:19:58,631 --> 00:19:59,898
Well...
489
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,436
We ran into him
at the drugstore...
490
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:06,604
the day before the cruise.
491
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:09,307
While he was buying
seasickness medication.
492
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:10,942
Right, Burt?
Yep.
493
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:13,144
And... he said how...
494
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:14,479
Excited he was
495
00:20:14,513 --> 00:20:15,847
about the cruise
496
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:19,417
and...
How much he loved you.
497
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:21,719
Really?
498
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,028
Well, thank you.
That really means a lot.
499
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,030
Okay, so, now that
we know you're good,
500
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,224
we should probably get going.
501
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,899
Do you want to come in?
No.
502
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,534
No. No. You're a widow,
503
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:39,471
so you should probably
be alone right now.
504
00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:41,106
Okay.
505
00:20:42,374 --> 00:20:44,042
That was weird.
506
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,543
Virginia, look.
507
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,113
(bird caws)
508
00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:02,393
Okay, so, maybe he just jumped
off the boat so he could
509
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,362
fake his own death
and collect insurance money.
510
00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:05,430
But then why would he
live in our basement
511
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:06,731
and fold our laundry,
512
00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:07,999
when he could be livin' it up
513
00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:09,567
on some beach in Wisconsin?
514
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,736
It makes perfect sense,
you guys, he's a ghost.
515
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,238
You can't really prove that.
516
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,372
I don't need proof.
517
00:21:14,406 --> 00:21:16,574
It's called belief,
not fact, for a reason.
518
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,209
And I choose to believe.
519
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:21,679
I am so happy to have my
open-minded, UFO believing,
520
00:21:21,714 --> 00:21:23,615
mermaid rights activist back.
521
00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:24,883
Now who wants cake?
522
00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:26,718
That may or may not
have been made by a ghost.
523
00:21:26,815 --> 00:21:33,603
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
524
00:21:33,731 --> 00:21:36,845
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
525
00:21:36,895 --> 00:21:41,445
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37938
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